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1
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:53,120
What?
2
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:05,760
You all right?
3
00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:06,880
Hiya.
4
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:08,600
You here to see Mr Bedford?
5
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,640
Yeah. Well, sort of.
6
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He's dead. No, I know.
7
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:13,840
I'm here to, uh...
8
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:15,840
What?
9
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,920
I'm here to
clean up the blood. What?
10
00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,840
I'm here to
clean up his blood!
11
00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:22,600
I'm a crime scene cleaner.
12
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:25,800
Well, why are you ringing the
doorbell if you know he's dead?
13
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,520
I thought his relatives
might be in, no?
14
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,640
No, he didn't have any.
Just a dog.
15
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,520
Well, here's the thing -
16
00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:34,000
some dogs can open
doors these days.
17
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:38,240
My mate Daz, he taught his dog
to walk on its hind legs.
18
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:40,280
In the end, that's
the only way it walked.
19
00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:42,480
It was weird
seeing him round town.
20
00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,720
It just looked like
he was hanging out with a hairy kid
21
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:47,480
that kept shitting on pavements.
22
00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:54,040
Good chat.
23
00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:02,040
Ah, no. Argh!
24
00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:27,600
What the...?
25
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,560
This felt more polite.
26
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,680
Right.
27
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,320
Got another dog story?
28
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,920
I am so sorry about that.
29
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:38,600
It's so stupid of me
going on about walking.
30
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,440
What? Eh?
31
00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:43,040
Um, my phone's run out of charge,
32
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:45,280
and I've got the
wrong keys for next door
33
00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:48,080
and it's chucking it down. OK.
34
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,400
I couldn't plug it in,
could I? Phone the boss.
35
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:52,640
Save me running back
to the office.
36
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:55,240
I can't imagine you've done
a lot of running lately.
37
00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:58,680
You can use my phone.
38
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:00,200
Really? Get up!
39
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:03,960
You OK?
40
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,440
Yes, it's middle age, isn't it?
41
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,520
The old legs
not what they once were.
42
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,000
Bad legs.
43
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:12,440
Ba-a-ad legs!
44
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:15,720
I'll just get my stuff.
45
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:17,960
Uh, what's in the lunch box?
46
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,640
A ham sandwich.
47
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:21,760
Well, that can stay out there.
Why?
48
00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:23,600
I'm vegan.
49
00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:29,040
Course you are.
50
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,560
Charger.
51
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:42,840
Thanks.
52
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,720
Eeee...
53
00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:48,000
This is so nice of you.
54
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,440
Are you surprised to meet
a nice disabled person?
55
00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:54,440
Dis... You're not...
56
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:55,920
Are you dis...? You...
57
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,480
You're not dis...abled.
58
00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:00,240
You shouldn't say that
about yourself. You're special,
59
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,920
and not special needs.
60
00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:04,200
I bet you've got exams,
have you? Course you have.
61
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,800
Can you re...
Course you can read! Come on!
62
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,880
So you didn't notice
the wheelchair?
63
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,080
Yeah, I suppose I did.
64
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,240
My peripheral vision,
I must have clocked it,
65
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:17,560
like you do with fat people,
66
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,760
I must have thought,
"Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, fat."
67
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,520
Fat?
You're not fat, you're thin.
68
00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:24,040
Not too thin. You're about
the right weight, are you?
69
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,640
The phone's in there. Yeah!
70
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,560
Left!
71
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:32,440
It's here!
72
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:34,920
Fucking hell.
73
00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:40,880
It's fine.
When are they sending someone?
74
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:44,280
Yeah? No, no, it's fine.
75
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:45,880
Yeah, I can wait, course.
76
00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,000
All right. All right, boss.
77
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,080
They're sending someone over.
78
00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:05,840
Well...
79
00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:10,520
I'll be off.
80
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,040
Uh, hey!
81
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:13,360
Yes?
82
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:15,640
Well...
83
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:17,160
Please could you get the orange?
84
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:20,240
Oh! Yes, of course.
85
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,200
Yeah, I just...
I didn't like to presume.
86
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:23,960
Presume what?
87
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,800
Presume you didn't have a system.
88
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,880
A system for getting an orange
out from under a sofa?
89
00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:31,840
Yeah, yeah. My mate works
at a rehabilitation centre
90
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:34,400
for, um... And he says,
"You should never presume -
91
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,840
"they might find it humiliating."
92
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,440
They? Yeah.
93
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:38,680
They. Them.
94
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:40,160
You... Legs.
95
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:41,480
Well, in this instance,
96
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:44,000
isn't it just being nice
to get the orange for me?
97
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,480
Of course. I shouldn't be
listening to Weasel anyway.
98
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,160
He shouldn't be allowed to work
there. He's a dirty bastard.
99
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:50,680
He'll bone anyone.
100
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,400
Oh, even me?
101
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,920
Oh, my God, he'd be all over you.
102
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,120
And do I not want to get boned?
103
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,880
Not by Weasel.
He's only got three teeth.
104
00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:59,880
Could you just get
the orange for me, please?
105
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,800
I'll get the orange. Thank you.
106
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,680
Uh-oh, old legs playing up again?
107
00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,840
My bloody back's gone. Oh, has it?
108
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:11,360
Do you mind if I just...
109
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:12,600
Sor... Sorry.
110
00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:18,320
There she blows.
111
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:19,600
That's sore.
112
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:23,680
Ooh, it stings.
113
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,840
Oh, when it goes, it goes.
114
00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:31,080
Look, can I wait here
till they come?
115
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,640
Course. I didn't like to presume.
116
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:36,200
Oh, yeah, that's funny,
117
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,720
because of the, uh, the legs.
118
00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:48,880
It's not just murders.
119
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:52,520
Sometimes it's suicides
or just accidents, you know.
120
00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:54,120
So what happened to Bedford?
121
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,240
Oh, I shouldn't say.
122
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:56,400
What? Tell me.
123
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,720
Well, he was on his
own when he died,
124
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,600
and they didn't find him
125
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,240
and his dog was there. So it, uh...
126
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,760
What? It sort of...
127
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,360
..ate his head a bit.
128
00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:09,960
Good.
129
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,600
Good?
130
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,360
Well, he never walked that dog.
131
00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:16,160
He deserves to get his
head eaten by it. Oh, right.
132
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,040
So I'm not allowed to
have a ham sandwich,
133
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,200
but it's all right for a dog
to tuck into Mr Bedford?
134
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:21,720
Into his headford?
135
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,240
Of course, it's a dog!
136
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,240
It doesn't know any better.
137
00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:27,960
Yeah. Mr Bedford's deadford,
so dog ate his headford.
138
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,840
It's not appropriate, this,
is it? Any of this? No. No.
139
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:32,800
Oh.
140
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,880
Landline? Old school.
141
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,360
Yeah, Mum's idea.
It's a good backup, apparently.
142
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,600
This'll be her now.
She's probably worried
143
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:42,000
you're stuck under the sofa
trying to get a trapped orange.
144
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,880
Um, uh, hi, Helena.
It...it's me.
145
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,920
Um, look, I'm sorry to call,
it's just, I...
146
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,280
I'm do... I'm doing
pretty terrible at the moment,
147
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:51,440
and I... Oh.
148
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,840
And I needed to...to hear
the sound of your voice. I just...
149
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,400
Um, I-I thought
it would be a good idea to...
150
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,000
..to look at...at some photos...
151
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,120
Read this...
..um, of us, you know,
152
00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,960
as part of a...a healing
process, I suppose, but...
153
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,960
I just... I just miss
you so much, Helena.
154
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,800
I thought I'd get over it,
but I can't.
155
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:11,200
Oh, God!
156
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,920
I'm sorry.
157
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:17,440
Oh, shall I?
158
00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:19,200
I didn't call just to...
159
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:22,080
I didn't call just to cry
at you down the phone,
160
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:23,680
but these photos, I just...
161
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,200
..I love you.
162
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,840
Bye.
163
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,120
Mm...
164
00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:34,400
Wrong number?
165
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:35,800
What?
166
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,400
It's all I could think to say.
167
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,840
It was that or put
my whole fist in my mouth.
168
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,160
When did you split up?
169
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,560
Two months ago.
170
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,240
I'm sorry.
171
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:49,000
Don't be. It was his fault.
172
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:52,320
He knew what he was getting into,
he said he could adapt,
173
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,680
but he couldn't.
174
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:56,200
Believe me, he couldn't.
175
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:10,880
Look,
176
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,800
I know it's normal for you,
177
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,960
but it must have been
a big change for him.
178
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:18,680
Well, then, he couldn't have cared.
179
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:20,600
Come on.
180
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:23,040
I mean,
if you're not used to...
181
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,680
Even holding hands must be weird,
mustn't it?
182
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,080
What?
183
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:33,000
You must feel that, any minute,
you could get carried away
184
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,520
and just bowl you,
185
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,720
straight into a river maybe.
186
00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:39,160
And then what?
187
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:42,120
What happens if he books
a restaurant with a tall table?
188
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:43,600
What are you talking about?
189
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,080
Well, you'd know better than me,
190
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,800
but book the wrong place and...
191
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:51,480
..he's going to be eating
with a floating head, isn't he?
192
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,200
He couldn't handle
the fact that I'm vegan.
193
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:55,720
What?
194
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:59,680
We split up because he couldn't
cope with my veganism, you idiot.
195
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,040
Of course!
196
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:02,400
Of course, that's going to be
197
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,320
a real lifestyle clash
as well, isn't it?
198
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,360
I mean, what's all this bullshit?
199
00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:08,840
Do you want another cup of tea?
I've got a really dry mouth.
200
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,000
Have you got a dry mouth?
I'll make it, you stay...
201
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,720
Yeah, lovely.
Lovely cup of tea, isn't it?
202
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,040
He said it wasn't
a problem at the start.
203
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,280
He said he'd been thinking
about it anyway because
204
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,160
a lot of people at his
work had gone full vegan.
205
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:28,120
It was perfect. And then...
206
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,240
..my friend saw him
at the supermarket,
207
00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:32,840
and all he had in his basket
208
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,120
was one big pork chop.
One big pork chop?
209
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:36,600
One big pork chop.
Please tell me
210
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:38,880
you didn't end a relationship
over one big pork chop?
211
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,040
No, of course not.
212
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,720
Thank God for that,
I was going to say!
213
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,720
A pinch of salt,
15 minutes under the grill,
214
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,800
it's like it never existed.
Lovely big pork chop.
215
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:47,920
I have physio on Tuesdays,
216
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:49,680
and he always said
he went to meet a friend.
217
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:51,800
I knew it, I knew it.
218
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:53,520
And I suppose...
219
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,360
..she could walk, couldn't she?
220
00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,520
It was his friend Toby.
221
00:10:58,520 --> 00:10:59,920
He's gay?
222
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,600
Gay Gareth, gay Toby, both walkers.
You poor thing.
223
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,560
They were in a steak house!
224
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,040
That's bad. Is it?
225
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,240
Yeah.
226
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,000
I confronted him there and then.
227
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,480
I could barely stand
to be in the building.
228
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,080
The stench of death was everywhere.
229
00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:17,880
He didn't even try and deny it.
230
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,120
Said he's been going there
every week for a "meat orgy".
231
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,680
A meat...orgy?
232
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,680
Mm. While I was in
there, they brought out
233
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,560
a bucket of chicken wings.
I thought I was going to be sick.
234
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:30,200
Ah, tell me about it.
Disgusting, aren't they?
235
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,320
There's nothing on 'em.
236
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,240
It's like sucking
a little skeleton.
237
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:34,600
Oh, for God's sake.
238
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:35,720
Eh?
239
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:37,240
Jeez.
240
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,360
It is!
241
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,280
Did you really dump him
242
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,560
just cos he goes for a
steak every now and then?
243
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:50,640
Well, you might be happy to date
a mass murderer, but I'm not.
244
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,360
It's clear you've had
a few burgers, isn't it?
245
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:57,040
Ah, come on!
246
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:59,040
Yeah, it's fine to
kill and eat animals.
247
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:01,000
Maybe I should date
a people-trafficker next,
248
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,720
get myself a nice slave
to do my housework.
249
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,680
You can't compare. They're animals!
250
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,400
You're old enough
to remember The Smiths,
251
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,920
aren't you?
Did Morrissey not get to you?
252
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:12,320
Yeah, Meat Is Murder's a great song,
so is Fuck Tha Police.
253
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,120
I don't take songs literally.
254
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:16,120
I have had sex
with a policewoman, though.
255
00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:18,200
Look, you think...
It was a dry hump.
256
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:19,760
You think that a human
257
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,920
is more important than
an animal, obviously.
258
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,160
Well, yeah, if I'm honest. Why?
259
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,800
Well, because we know
we're alive, don't we?
260
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,960
Cos we can talk
and we can wa... Heh.
261
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,920
Walk upright? Ah, no.
262
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:34,400
You can't get me like that.
I told you about my friend's dog.
263
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,520
Oh, will you stop
with your friend and his dog
264
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:37,760
walking on its hind legs?
265
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,800
I would have reported him
for animal cruelty.
266
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,920
The dog liked it.
It made his lipstick come out.
267
00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,680
Oh, right, well, shall we get
some photographs up, shall we?
268
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:45,800
There's no need.
269
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,240
Oh, come on,
we've got a nice one here,
270
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,160
of a calf being slaughtered,
and a few of some baby chickens
271
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:52,640
being thrown through the grinder.
272
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,320
It'll really sharpen up
your appetite.
273
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,600
I've seen the vegan stuff.
I get it.
274
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:59,320
I just don't think you can compare
humans and animals, that's all.
275
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,040
Because humans are
aware they're alive,
276
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:02,560
because they're sentient?
277
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:03,760
Well, yeah. Fine.
278
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:06,600
Then go down to the old people's
home, eat an Alzheimer's patient.
279
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,640
Oh, don't be daft. Why not?
280
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,240
They don't know what's going on.
281
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,680
You can have yourself
a nice Alzheimer's ribeye.
282
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:14,240
I don't want
an Alzheimer's ribeye.
283
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,520
Well, why don't you
go down to the hospital,
284
00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:18,000
eat a nice coma victim curry?
285
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,400
Stop making up
delicious human dishes!
286
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,480
Look, I can see I'm winding you up.
287
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,960
I'm going to go and wait outside.
288
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,800
Fine, go! You stink of death anyway.
289
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,680
God.
290
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:32,360
For the record,
the reason I stink of death
291
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:33,680
is, this morning, I cleaned up
292
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:36,240
the body of a woman who'd been
killed in an armed robbery.
293
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:37,400
She had three children.
294
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,520
Shall I tell them
it could have been worse?
295
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:42,720
She could have been caught
going for a steak with Gareth!
296
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,880
I like a steak myself!
297
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,920
I'm a carnivore, and you're
not going to spoil it for me!
298
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,360
I'd love to see your face
if you had to kill a cow.
299
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:55,880
I've thought about this, actually,
300
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,360
and I could kill a cow!
301
00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:58,600
You wouldn't know how to.
302
00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,520
You're like all meat-eaters,
a coward!
303
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:02,560
I'd punch a cow
as soon as look at it.
304
00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:04,640
And then I'd eat it! Raw!
305
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,160
Sorry about this, mate.
306
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,760
I'm having a row with a
disabled girl about eating meat.
307
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,640
Which reminds me,
308
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,360
don't get me started about Quorn!
309
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,000
Are you there?
310
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,640
She's gone.
311
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,640
Hello, love. Hiya, Mum.
312
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,000
Fancy a hot pot?
313
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,600
Yes, come in. Yay!
314
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,240
Oh, Gareth,
315
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:17,720
you have been wronged!
316
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,480
Yeah, no, of course.
317
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,840
Yeah, no, I'm still here.
318
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,880
Yeah.
319
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,640
Tell him to take his time.
320
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,240
No, I'm happy to wait.
321
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,360
I want to wait.
322
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:32,720
Cheers, Mum. Got to go.
323
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:37,080
OK. See you later, darling.
Oh, see you, Mum. Thanks!
324
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:38,720
Bye! Love you. Love you!
325
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,000
Bye! Bye!
326
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:44,720
Hello?
327
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,080
Oh. Hello.
328
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,560
What do you want? I just wanted
to say sorry about earlier.
329
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,840
Apology accepted. Bye!
330
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,400
I've been, uh, reading
about the old veganism
331
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:03,840
while I was waiting.
332
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,760
Really popular these days, isn't it?
333
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,040
Yeah, of course it is.
334
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:10,240
Mm, a lot of celebrities
on the old "vege".
335
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:13,760
Yeah, it's just the dinosaurs
who haven't woken up.
336
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,640
Yeah, I didn't know about cows.
337
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:18,840
Little moo cows' farts
ruining the climate.
338
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:22,280
Well done. You've learnt what
most people did a decade ago.
339
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,720
What's next? Will you be recycling?
340
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,320
You're really like
superheroes, aren't you?
341
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,520
You vegans.
342
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:34,000
What do you want? I think I've
left some cleaning stuff here.
343
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,120
You didn't bring any in.
A small specialist brush.
344
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,040
I think it fell out of my pocket.
I didn't see it.
345
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,960
It's not in my bag, so...
I've told you,
346
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,400
there's nothing in here.
I would have seen it.
347
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:43,920
Perhaps it rolled under your sofa.
348
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,840
Like I said,
there's nothing in here.
349
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,840
Mind if I have a look?
Yes, I do mind.
350
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,320
I won't be long. No.
351
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,400
I think I'm going to jump you.
352
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,440
You wouldn't dare.
353
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:56,840
I would dare.
354
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:58,560
You wouldn't dare jump me.
355
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,520
I think I'm going to jump you.
356
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,960
No, you've got a bad back.
357
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,480
It popped back in.
358
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:07,760
No, no!
359
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,400
Aha!
360
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,640
What do you think you're doing?
361
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,840
You just got jumped.
362
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:34,280
And now
you're going to get judged.
363
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,920
Ah! Jesus!
364
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,640
I flew too close to the sun!
365
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,000
This is for Gareth.
366
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:49,800
Leave it! Leave it!
367
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,240
Mmmm!
368
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,720
Beef! I knew it!
369
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,000
It's not what you think.
370
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:25,320
Is it not? Because I think that
that was a hot pot full of beef!
371
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,520
Well, it was. Unbelievable.
372
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,160
You're not a vegan?
No, I am, I am.
373
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:31,240
Did you eat that hot pot?
374
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,520
Well, yeah, but...
375
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,680
But nothing. Poor Gareth.
376
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,040
No, I hate it.
377
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:37,840
I just try and eat the potato,
378
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:39,640
just enough to make
her think I've had it.
379
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:40,800
Eh?
380
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,920
Your mum doesn't know
you're a vegan?
381
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,760
Well, I've tried telling her,
but she just doesn't get it.
382
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:47,760
Well, tell her she can go
to the old people's home
383
00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,000
for an Alzheimer's steak.
Worked for me.
384
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,760
Well, she took it
harder than anyone.
385
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,000
Harder than me. What?
386
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,760
The accident.
387
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,400
I thought you'd always
been in a wheelchair.
388
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:00,520
No.
389
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,960
Six years ago,
car accident, drunk driver.
390
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,840
Bastard!
391
00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,040
Why do people do that? No, no.
392
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,480
I was the drunk driver.
393
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,240
Yeah, well, we all like a drink
when we're stressed, don't we?
394
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:14,720
Come on.
I've operated a fork lift
395
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,480
after a bottle of Schnapps.
Who hasn't?
396
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,280
No, I-I don't need you
to try and make me feel better.
397
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,040
It's my own fault.
398
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,960
I'm just lucky
that no-one else got hurt.
399
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,520
Well, I say no-one.
400
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:25,800
Oh, God.
401
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,400
You hit a cow, didn't you?
402
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:29,920
That's why you're a vegan.
403
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:32,880
No! I mean my mum.
404
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:36,000
She just worries
and worries so much.
405
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:39,400
It's difficult seeing
your own mum look at you
406
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:43,560
and then just start crying,
no reason.
407
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,520
We could be having
a perfectly nice day,
408
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,120
and then she'll see
me in my wheelchair
409
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,120
and it's like she's seeing
it for the first time.
410
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:52,920
But you're doing all right.
411
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,400
I mean, you're rubbish
at getting oranges, but...
412
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,840
I'm fine.
413
00:19:57,840 --> 00:19:59,920
I've adjusted and I love life.
414
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,440
I probably do more
than I would have
415
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:03,000
if it hadn't happened.
416
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,120
So you'd recommend it,
being disabled?
417
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,920
Oh, shut up.
418
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:11,240
So, every week, she brings me
a hot pot or a shepherd's pie,
419
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:13,440
and I just can't bring
myself to tell her no.
420
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,160
It's her way of,
like, helping, you see.
421
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,040
Her way of being a mum.
422
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:22,000
I get it. My mum used
to make awesome hot pots.
423
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,080
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is she not here any more?
424
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:27,120
No, she's fine, she just
can't make hot pots any more.
425
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:29,160
Dad's got a catchphrase about it.
426
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,360
"Your mum used to be
a great cook, kids.
427
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,960
"Now she's shit.
I wish I'd never married her."
428
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,040
Jesus!
429
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:39,080
Oh, right, well, there you go,
there's the full story.
430
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,880
God, I'm exhausted.
I feel like I need a beer.
431
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:43,640
Hmm, I'm sorry,
I can't help you there.
432
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,400
It's got animal products in it.
433
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,080
I prefer a joint these days, anyway.
434
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:51,320
Is that right?
435
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,360
No animals in a joint.
436
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:55,080
And have you, uh...?
437
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:04,880
You're like Robocop.
438
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,120
Your move, creep.
439
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,160
I haven't seen Robocop.
440
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:10,520
Oh.
441
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,280
How come your mum's allowed meat
442
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:53,040
and Gazza isn't?
443
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:54,880
It's different. How?
444
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,600
She's my mum, silly. She raised me.
445
00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,760
When I first met him,
I told him I was vegan,
446
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,240
and I take it seriously,
447
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,200
and I can't be
with anyone who isn't.
448
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:05,360
Right.
449
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:08,000
He chose to come into my life,
she chose to give me it.
450
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,360
I get it, your mum's
allowed meat orgies.
451
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:15,400
Don't put my mum in the same
sentence as "orgies", right?
452
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:18,120
Oh, and for God's sake,
do not call him Gazza again.
453
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:19,520
Listen, all I'm saying is,
454
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,240
there's a double standard there,
455
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,960
but I'm going to let it slide
because I have a question.
456
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,960
Oh, bloody hell. I don't want
to talk about him any more.
457
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,880
It's not about him,
it's not about meat,
458
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,880
but it is serious.
459
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:38,920
Can you get me one?
460
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:42,080
"One"?
461
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:45,360
You know, it's the Holy Grail.
462
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:48,560
Oh...
463
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,520
You're talking about
a blue badge, aren't you?
464
00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,640
Sweet freedom of the city.
465
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:56,800
No.
466
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,240
I'm not getting you a bloody
disabled parking badge.
467
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,640
Yeah, thought not.
Closed shop, ain't it?
468
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:03,560
Damn right.
469
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,000
There's got to be some perks.
470
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,360
I'm glad you admit it.
471
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:07,840
No, no, no, no.
472
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,640
Any advantages we have are fair.
473
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:10,760
Yeah, right.
474
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:12,200
I seem to remember
475
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,040
Oscar Pistorius did pretty
well on those springs.
476
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:19,520
I mean, before all the horrible
murder and stuff, obviously.
477
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,160
Springs? They weren't springs.
478
00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:23,800
I know a spring when I see it, mate.
479
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,160
Guy bounced his way to victory.
480
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:28,040
Right, well, let's put
your theory to the test.
481
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,520
There's a food truck down the road.
482
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:30,840
It does great vegan sausages.
483
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:32,240
I can't go, can I? My back.
484
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:34,440
No, I'm talking about
levelling the playing field,
485
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:36,600
aren't I? A fair race.
486
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,600
How?
487
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,000
Got a spare, haven't I?
488
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,520
Ah. Bring it.
489
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,000
Oh, I'll bring it.
490
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:02,200
Come on, able-bodied athlete,
you're getting thrashed!
491
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:11,720
I'm in hell! Oh, what?
492
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,200
I don't get it!
493
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,280
Something wrong with your arms?
494
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:18,360
Too many burgers,
that's your problem.
495
00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:22,440
Oh, you poor thing!
Does he need my help?
496
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:23,720
Oh... Oh...
497
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,440
Would you?
498
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:27,080
Oh, thanks.
499
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:30,160
This is so lovely of you.
500
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,720
He's been really struggling
at the minute.
501
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,440
So what do you think?
502
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:46,000
I think I want to go and
find Gareth and have a steak.
503
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,280
It's nice! It's just like meat.
504
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,200
This is as like meat
as I'm like...
505
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:51,640
..a goose.
506
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,240
You'll be helping
the environment by
507
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:54,440
stopping cows from farting.
508
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,880
You think this isn't
going to make me fart?
509
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,160
Give me half an hour,
I'll be going off like a tug boat.
510
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,080
I'm eating it, aren't I?
I'm eating it.
511
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:05,720
Bollocks! What?
512
00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:06,880
Oh, it's him.
513
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:08,160
Who?
514
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,360
Gareth!
515
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:18,160
Oh, God,
516
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:19,960
you still love him, don't you?
517
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,480
He's amazing.
518
00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:31,720
Oh.
519
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:34,160
All right. I'll do it.
520
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:35,600
Do what?
521
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:37,680
I'll go vegan one day a week.
522
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:39,560
I can stomach this
shit one day a week.
523
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:40,920
How's that going to help?
524
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:42,560
Use your brains.
525
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,760
If I'm not eating
meat one day a week,
526
00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:48,360
it means that Gareth can go
on his meat orgies, can't he?
527
00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:51,400
Cos there'll be one person
not eating meat, all the time.
528
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:52,640
Right?
529
00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,200
No, you...
You wouldn't stick to that.
530
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:58,160
You think I wouldn't eat
a soya sausage for love?
531
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:01,960
I'll eat a soya sausage for love.
532
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,280
Go on, go after him!
533
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:07,120
You'll catch him easy,
he's only got legs.
534
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:24,240
Hello, boss.
535
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:25,720
Yeah.
536
00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:26,840
He's there? All right.
537
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:28,320
No, I'm just down the road.
538
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,000
Yeah, yeah, I'll get it done.
539
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:31,040
All right.
540
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:46,120
All right? Yeah.
541
00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:47,320
What are they, mate?
542
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:49,280
They pork, yeah? Yeah.
543
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:50,680
Go on, sort me out.
544
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:54,440
Liar!
545
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,640
Sumo Santa!
546
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:00,200
I can walk!
547
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:01,240
Oh!
36235
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