All language subtitles for Adams.Package.2021.HDRip.XviD.AC3-EVO

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

We now return to
Aliens Exist on the History Channel.

Personally, I find the thought of alien
life offensive and affront to our Lord.

You would, man, because
you've never met alien life.

- I have and... and it's beautiful.
- Huh! This is insane.

This is the truth.

They want to unite us.

- They want to show us the way.
- Sir, only God can show us the way.

- With God...
- With due respect, sir...

Goddamnit Lulu.

I can't stand this anymore.

- Who is it?
- It's me.

Who are you expecting?

Oh, God! Get inside, quick.

- What?
- Hortense!

Dude, you weren't
expecting her, were you?

God no.

Man, that is one scary lady.

Sometimes she stands
at her window and flashes me.

Yeah,
that's got to be memorable.

Like a scene
from a horror movie.

- Dude, I brought food, too, you know.
- I know.

Dude, you're going to make it
through this?

Probably not.

- I am so, so, sorry.
- Don't go there.

Three months,
just three more months.

Do you hear that?

- Tell me you can hear that.
- Dude, you're drinking way too much.

I know. This divorce bullshit
is driving me crazy.

Plus, being stuck here all day
unable to work.

Shut up, Lulu. I'm in a meeting.

I can't even hear myself think
with you around.

You got to
get yourself together, man.

This just in.

The body of rapper Muhammad Mahad Pappa
was discovered this morning in Hollywood.

Los Angeles Police believe Pappa was
a victim of a gangland-style shooting.

Pappa's main rival
Spare Change Sniggy

is considered a person of
interest in the investigation.

Stay tuned
for more developments.

Up yours, Mongo!

Hey, I told you
my name was Froggy.

Water your garden there,
jailbird.

Hello.

Shit, shit, shit.

Hello, Cynthia. Yeah, sorry.

No, I was outside.
No, on the property outside.

Shit,
I can't stand this anymore.

Were you able
to get my restrictions modified?

Are you serious?

I'm sick of having to call my probation
officer every time I want to...

Hold on. Someone's at the gate.

Adam. Adam.

Hi, Adam.

Hi.

- Eve.
- Eve.

You got to be kidding.

Why?

You know, Adam.
Eve. Start of things.

Sorry, do we know each other?

Yeah, we worked together on that crazy
video shoot last year in New York.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

You're the one
with the little snake tattoo.

That's me.

The little snake.

Sometimes.

- Did I catch you at a bad time?
- No, no, sorry.

I'm just so surprised
to see you. Come on in.

You're an asshole, Froggy.

Are you talking to me?

No, of course, not.

Sometimes
words just pop out of my mouth.

I don't have
any control over it.

Sounds terrible.

That's not the half of it.
Stop it, Lulu. I have a guest.

Okay, I think
maybe this was a mistake.

Uh, maybe, I caught you at a bad
time, so, I'm just going to get going.

Oh, no, no.

All my temps are bad but now
that you're here, it's better.

I told you my name is Mongo.

Have a seat.

So, who's Lulu?

Let's not talk about her.

She here?

Not really.

How can she not really be here?

It's hard to explain.

And what is that thing
around your ankle?

Uh...

Why are you here, anyway?

Hmm?

I have a favor to ask,

but, first, is there anything
left to drink in this place?

- There you go.
- Thank you.

Cheers to all
of the not reallys in the world!

Oh, my God!
I'm not a beer drinker.

Look, I'm sorry but things are a little
complicated for me right now, so...

So?

- What's up?
- Oh, the usual.

There's a show
at the Beverly Hilton,

so I stopped by the agency
and they gave me your info.

- They told you I was off the roster?
- That you couldn't work.

Did they tell you why?

No, just that you hadn't worked
in months, so I was concerned.

We hardly know each other.

What does that have to do
with anything?

I can still be concerned about
the well-being of a co-worker.

And you have a favor to ask.

My little sister is a huge fan.

Nice to know.

She has your picture
on her dorm room wall.

- Really?
- Really.

- Which one?
- The one.

- The briefs?
- Yeah, the famous briefs.

That did cause a stir.

- That was more like an earthquake.
- Hey, what can I say?

The world's a funny place.

People get hung up
on the littlest things.

Yeah, I don't think,
that the word little applies here.

Hey, it's nothing I can take credit for.
It just happened.

Luck of the draw.

I'm not so sure
the word luck applies here.

Hey, I've always said, you got to
play the cards that you're dealt.

And with that
piece of philosophy,

I think we've come back
full circle to what's up?

I thought,
it would surprise her.

Uh, you know how young girls are with
their bragging rights and all that stuff.

So, you want a reveal shot?

Just for her.

And her friends because without friends
there's no bragging rights, right?

You do realize it'll go around the globe
in an hour. Thanks to social media.

No one has to know
that it's you. I mean yours.

Adam.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah!

Stop it!

Shit! Cynthia.

Cynthia, I am so sorry.

I was under the impression that you
actually cared about resolving your issue.

I do.

Then why am I standing on the other
side of this gate like a criminal?

- I'm sorry, Cynthia.
- Shush! Why didn't you call me back?

As your attorney
I can't help with your situation

if you don't care enough about
your freedom to get back to me.

You know I called you every
five seconds for 30 minutes.

And why are you standing
in the rain in a towel?

I fell asleep.

You fell asleep?

There's just been a lot going on and...
and my head's been playing tricks on me.

You would think that you would
have had the common courtesy

especially given the fact that
you haven't been able to pay me

for months to at least
not leave me hanging.

Have you got someone up there?

It's probably
from the neighbor's unit.

- Who is that upstairs, Adam?
- A model from my agency.

- Oh, it's a model.
- She lives in New York,

but when she comes out west,
she usually stays with Mickey and me.

She showed up unexpectedly today.
Her flight from New York got delayed.

- Bullshit!
- Seriously, there was bad weather.

She was very tired when she arrived,
so she took a nap in the guest bedroom.

She's probably
taking a shower now.

How many models
have you got in this place?

- Do you know this man?
- No.

- Sorry, ahem, the pepper got to me.
- What are you doing in my house?

I'm your wife's therapist

and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to
spend the remainder of my life with her.

- Nikki?
- I can't live without her.

She's everything
a man could desire in a woman.

- That's crazy.
- Who are you?

Harry, Harry Balls, Dr. Harry Balls.
Please, don't laugh.

I've had enough of people's smirks and
snide chuckles and giggles my entire life.

Wow!

Uh, well, Dr. Balls,
before I call the police,

why don't you tell us
what you're doing here?

- I... Uh...
- Nine, one...

- I'm planting evidence.
- Evidence?

What kind of evidence?

- A gun.
- Why would you do that?

To get you arrested.

I want you out of Nikki's life.

The idea of you in her bed slobbering
all over her delicious body.

Dr. Balls, you need help.

So I planted the gun
to frame you.

Wait, what gun?

The weapon used to kill Muhammad
Mahad Pappa, the Muslim rapper.

- You shot Muhammad Mahad Pappa?
- No, of course, not.

I purchased the gun from his
rival, Spare Change Sniggy.

- You bought the gun from Sniggy?
- Oh, no, not directly.

Where is it?

In the drawer there.

Whoa!

Don't touch it.

Oh, we have company.

Oh, I see the princess
has recovered from her nap.

Princess?

Uh, Eve, this is my attorney,
Cynthia Morgan.

I told her how you just flew in
from New York

but were delayed
due to bad weather.

Oh, yeah. I got in late.

Apparently, so did Adam,
but just in time to witness a felony.

What?

We caught this man planting a gun in
an attempt to frame Adam for murder.

Oh, my God!

I'm Harry... Harry Balls.

- Dr. Balls?
- Yes.

The sex therapist
from Beverly Hills.

Well, sex therapy is only
one aspect of my practice.

Ugh, Eve Kane,
I met with you last year.

Of course, the model with the recurring
fantasy of having sex with an alien.

Uh, that was supposed to be
privileged information, Doctor.

- But under the circumstances...
- What circumstances?

I have never witnessed such an
utterly satisfying sexual experience

like the one
you two had earlier.

You witnessed?

- How?
- Such stamina.

So, that's why
you're wearing my bathrobe?

Adam told me it belonged
to his soon-to-be ex.

You fucked him
and I can still smell it on you.

How can that be?
I just showered.

You lying bastard.
She's no model from New York.

Yes, I am. Upper West Side.

- Get yourself a new lawyer, slime ball.
- What about my petition?

Oh, here's to your petition!

Yeah, you can keep that ankle
bracelet on forever for all I care.

I'm done with you.

In fact, I'll petition the court
for an extension for bad behavior.

And you can keep the robe, slut.

She just called me a slut.

Don't worry about her.
She's upset.

Huh, I just messed up
your whole situation.

It was worth it.

Based on my observations,
I have to agree.

Shut up.

DA's office.

I've got a lead on the
Muhammad Mahad Pappa murder.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Sorry,
but I got to get back to town.

I have a really early shoot tomorrow and
then I'm off to Paris for a few days.

I understand. I'll see you out.

- Yeah.
- Nice to see you again, Eve.

Thanks, Doctor.

I hope that you two are able to work
out your... Shall we call them problems?

Oh, and I really like
your little snake.

What'd you think of the big one?

Awesome. Really, awesome.

Okay, let's go.

- Thank you.
- Pleasure was all mine.

As for the photo, you have made me
the hero in at least one girl's room.

Keep your identity secret,

otherwise you might find
yourself famous around the globe

and for more than
just your modeling.

You are an egomaniac.

Come back.

You couldn't keep me away.

- Go.
- I'll be back.

Okay, Arnold.

I'll be waiting.

I hate it when you do that.

That thing you do with your
tongue every time I'm making out.

- You talking to me?
- No, I'm not talking to you.

What's wrong?

- I lied.
- What do you mean?

I was supposed to kill you.

What?

Shoot you through the head,
put a gun in your hand...

Make it look like a suicide.

Yeah.

I just couldn't do it.

- Because the doorbell rang?
- No. It's...

Now, she's never going
to let me back into her life.

And that's what's bothering you?

What about me?
I could be dead right now.

I could never have
actually killed you.

She had me under her spell,
hypnotized by her allure.

Her smell alone
would drive me crazy.

I'm sorry.

Look, Harry, trust me,
you were never in her life.

- Why would she want me dead?
- For the insurance.

What insurance?

The five-million-dollar policy.

But that wouldn't pay
in the event of a suicide.

It would after three years
and yesterday was three years.

- The bitch!
- Yeah, I know. It's terrible.

She told me we'd run off
together to the South Pacific,

lay on the beach,
eat fruit from the trees.

- You would have ended up dead, too.
- You think?

Ugh, how could
I have been so stupid?

That's what happens when you let your
little head do your thinking for you.

You need to
get yourself together.

We need to figure out
what to do.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

We have to work something out.

Why are you talking
with your back to me?

- This is not working for me.
- For me, either.

I can't stand this anymore,
Lulu.

- Who's Lulu?
- A goddamn ghost.

A ghost?

Yeah, she was murdered upstairs
before I moved in.

- Murdered?
- Yes.

- Upstairs?
- Upstairs. She sings to me.

- Sings to you?
- She was a rising opera star.

- Opera?
- Yeah, opera.

- Drives me crazy and she knows it.
- She does?

Her spirit has never left.
It's like she enjoys taunting me.

She pops up at the most inopportune
times like when I'm in bed with someone.

She smiles at me, flashes her boobs,
does sick things with her tongue.

- Sounds terrible.
- Yeah, she's a real pain in the ass.

I got a plan. A brilliant plan.

Hide this
and do exactly as I tell you.

No distractions. Understood?

Look, you don't have to keep
supplying me with groceries.

- If not me, then who?
- That's not the point.

That's exactly the point.
You don't have any money.

You can't leave. All you have is
that opera singer.

Stop it.

I think, that'll cause
severe weight loss,

so, tonight you're having food
with the alcohol and I'm cooking.

So, I'm standing there
with Cynthia who was pissed

because I didn't call her back, talking
to this guy that Nikki sent to kill me...

Whoa, what?

And Eve comes walking into
the room towel drying her hair.

Who's Eve?

A goddess and she's wearing
Cynthia's bathrobe.

- Oh-oh!
- No shit, oh-oh.

You know, I... Hold on.

I thought you might be lonely
all by yourself.

I guess now,
you won't be needing this.

This my friend, is an authentic
Sasha Grey Deep Throat stroker.

Yes!

- Good God!
- Good God is right.

It comes with a screaming vibrating
cock ring and organic lubricant.

Yeah.

But since you have your goddess,
you won't be needing this. Give me that.

What I need is
to get out of here.

I told you, I spoke to some
brothers and, uh, there's a guy.

It's too risky.

Next step after being locked up

here in my own place is being
locked up in a place with bars

and you visiting me on Sundays.

I can do Saturdays too,
depending on how far away they send you.

I need my life back
and I need a new attorney.

I'll do what I can.

- Do you want to know what you can do?
- Of course, I do.

Stop feeling guilty.

And how exactly
do you expect me to do that?

Just do it.

You didn't slip that package
in my bag to hurt me.

You know I didn't.

You did it 'cause you thought I'd come
across the border without a hitch.

- Yeah, you were white.
- Still I am.

- Such a known face.
- Somewhat known.

- It should have been easy.
- And you needed the money.

Fucking desperately.

It's not a hard thing, it's a...
it's a... it's ecstasy, man.

It's a feel-good thing.

You know, they're even thinking
about like legalizing it now.

It's over.

You're still my best friend,
so start acting like it never happened.

This ain't right, man.

What ain't right?

You acting like Mother Teresa

instead of some guy whose life has been
turned upside down over something I did.

Something selfish and stupid.

It's all good, man.

Everything happens for a reason.

Ta-da!

Thanks for not singing.

What about it?

Oh!

Cool.

Jesus!

Who could that be?

Can I help you?

I'm Watson.
This is Officer Hopkins.

It's the middle of the night.

- What could I do for you?
- Can we come in?

I would prefer
you come back during the day.

It would be best if you let us in.
It'll only take a minute.

- I'm not in any more trouble, am I?
- We're not sure yet.

Come in.

We received an anonymous tip.

- About a gun?
- And drugs.

Something I understand
you have some experience with.

Hey, I don't use this stuff,
never have.

Beer drinker myself I prefer
getting high the old-fashioned way.

I could care less.

You know that tip probably came
from my ex-attorney.

We had an argument.

This is obviously her way
of getting back at me.

You don't mind
if we look around, do you?

Go ahead. Look all you want.

So, you're working late.

Can I offer you a beer?

I could make you guys some peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches.

What's this?

It's not a gun.

Don't be a smartass.
We can plant one if you prefer.

It's a novel, my first.

I can't leave the house.
I can't work.

I have a lot of time on my hands,
so I started dabbling in writing.

What's this title, "Truth of X?"

One of my hobbies is collecting
info on UFOs.

I thought,
it would make for a good story.

Really?

You believe in that shit?

It's hard to say.

There's some evidence that we're
not alone and haven't been.

I mean it just seems to make sense that
we're not the beginning and the end.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me give you some advice,

you should go to church instead of
filling your head with that nonsense.

Yeah, I really wish I could,
but, uh, I can't.

You're a smartass and a felon.

The federal government is not an
organization you want to mess with.

Believe me, prison would be
the least of your concerns.

I'd be careful if I were you.

Yeah, on that note,
we're done here.

Be careful.

Just keep saying that to yourself
over and over again, careful.

Careful. Careful.

Careful.

I'ma see what you got, big boy.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

Whoo, ah!

Whoo, whoo, he-haw!

In your time of need,
I'm glad you reached out for Harry Balls.

Sorry that I missed your call.
Leave a message after the beep.

I'll say you're sorry.
You're a sorry son of a bitch.

Where are you?

I've been trying to reach your
sorry ass for the last two hours.

Is that loser dead yet?
He better be.

Oh, this is Nikki by the way.
Call me back.

Coming.

Hold on.

What's your hurry?

Oh, my God!

Hey, Adam.

Eve, what are you...?

- I thought...
- I canceled.

Paris?

Paris, everything.

I couldn't stop
thinking about you, about...

Me too.

I laid in bed tossing
and turning.

Oh, Adam! Adam.

What's that?

My obsession.

Or should I say
my other obsession.

I do love flattery.

And this?

I have a passion
for things extraterrestrial.

So do I.

But then again, you know that thanks
to the good doctor's big mouth.

So, we really do have
a lot in common.

Curious.

Scary.

What's wrong?

What?

- It's a long story.
- Tell me.

But first, coffee, food.

I'm drained.

You're not the only one
who's drained.

This townhouse
has a tragic history.

How so?

It's haunted.

You got to be kidding.

No, really.

There's an annoying ghost
who lives here.

So cool.

- You can see her now, can't you?
- Yes.

She was murdered here.

The previous owner
of this house was a scientist

involved in highly classified
work with the government.

He and Lulu were lovers.

Ah! What the hell.

She's very talented.

An opera singer.

She sings to me.

What happened?

One day they were assassinated
in the bedroom upstairs.

I didn't know any of this when
I bought the place and then...

- Don't they have to disclose that?
- I guess not.

He didn't have any heirs.

I bought it from the court,
complete with all this furniture and stuff.

Including Lulu.

Yeah, including Lulu.

One day I was in the
storage room downstairs

trying to
get myself organized...

when I looked up and saw this door that
I quite honestly hadn't noticed before.

Curious, I went to it...

and when I opened it,
I was shocked to see...

Lulu.

I thought, I was going to have
a heart attack.

I can't even imagine
what that must have been like.

- That wasn't all.
- What do you mean?

She wanted me to follow her
under the house.

She pointed at a light,
a glow off in the corner.

She was leading me towards something,
watching from the other side of the room.

I navigated in the darkness
without knowing why.

It was as if I didn't have
any control over my actions.

What was it,
the glow in the corner?

A package, it came from the lab
where the previous owner was working.

I glanced over at Lulu
looking for answers.

And then she was gone.

Just like now.

What was in the package?

- Documents.
- Documents?

Top secret documents giving details of
the examination of an alien spacecraft.

What?

And, look,
I shouldn't be telling you this.

- Why?
- Because it might put you in danger.

I believe it was the motive
behind the murders.

I don't care. I want to know.

- There was information on a treaty.
- A treaty?

Signed by President Eisenhower.

Between who?

- The United States and...
- And who?

Aliens.

I fucking knew it.

Give me a sec.

- Hello.
- Adam, it's me Harry.

What's the matter, Harry?

- I didn't get very far.
- Why? What happened?

I was abducted and raped
by the most marvelous woman.

You were abducted and raped?

Yes, and it was everything
a good rape fantasy should be.

Harry, you are so sick!

Seriously, Adam,

it... it was far more satisfying
than anything I ever had with Nikki.

For the last time, Harry,
you never had anything with Nikki.

Who raped you?

- Your neighbor, Hortense Bailey.
- My God!

You're telling me the big bush Bailey
raped you and that you enjoyed it?

I got off like a Roman candle.

- Oh, Jesus!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, that feels so good.

Give me a break, Lulu.
What about the plan?

Adam, I want to thank you.

I am a changed man now.

Harry, the plan? What about the plan?
I can't hear a damn thing, Lulu.

I'm sorry to yell at you.

I realize you're terribly lonely,
but please work with me, here.

Adam. Adam.

- Yeah, Harry?
- Is that Lulu again?

Don't worry yourself about that
now just deal with the plan.

Don't worry about it.
I've got it covered.

The plan is happening.

I heard the bell.

Could've waited
till I got to you.

Why?

Because it's my house and you don't know,
what or who you might be walking in on.

I got very little sleep.

Mm.

Eve came back for a visit.

Bro, you still living
in that fantasy world?

Look this sweet thing
is calling you and it's real.

What's real?

Ooh!

- Yum.
- Yeah.

Hi. I'm Eve.

- Um, hi, I'm, uh...
- What's that?

Uh, a stupid toy.

It looks ghastly.
What do you do with it?

This is Rob. Rob's a skeptic.

He thinks people like me are delusional
and have trouble telling the truth.

What he means to say is,
"Hi, I'm Rob,

his best friend and also responsible
for his current circumstance."

- That's enough, best friend.
- Hi, Rob.

So, would you
like to tell me more

about Adam's
current circumstance?

Do you know,
it's a pleasure to meet you?

- Adam has told me so much about you.
- He has?

- None of which he believed.
- That's not my fault.

That's not my fault.

- Has he told you about Lulu?
- Yeah.

Yeah, so you can understand
why I'm skeptical.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- I'm real.
- Yeah, all right.

So, hmm.

It's time I tell you
both about the plan.

Harry, you son of a bitch!
Where have you been?

I've been trying you non-stop.

- I can't explain at all...
- Shut up!

- Did you do it? Is it done?
- Yes.

I shot him in the head.
It's like you said...

Fantastic.

- Harry, you're the best.
- It was awful.

- Blood was everywhere.
- Oh, wonderful!

I can't tell you
how happy you've made me

and what a big surprise I have in store
for you the next time we're together.

- Hello.
- It's Harry. I told her.

- So?
- Exactly what you said.

And?

She's on her way.

We don't have much time.

Heads up. She's here.

Adam.

Yes!

You brought this on yourself,
you know.

Did you really think I would stand for
you not making good on your promise?

The deal was never
that I would go wanting.

You're stuck here, broke,
because of stupidity.

What was I supposed to do?

Work?

It's a good thing I had the foresight to
protect myself with that insurance policy.

Now at least, you'll be able to
support my needs like you promised,

and for that I thank you.

I've always appreciated
a man of his word.

Good job. Good on you.

I loved her.

She was afraid of everything,
even life itself.

She thought it might be
the answer, but...

she could never find joy,
no matter what.

It was always just out of reach.

She's cursed
and I weep for her...

and...

I forgive her.

That ass though.

- Hey, guys.
- Did she buy it?

Sure did.

Thank you, Harry.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh, I can't thank you enough.

Finally, I can relax.

It's like the tensions
have been lifted

and I feel like my old self again
for the first time in a long time.

I can only imagine.
It's been what, three months?

Watch the sarcasm, Harry.

Don't turn this joyous moment
into shit for me.

- Sorry. You know I'd do anything for you.
- That's better.

You do want to stay on
my good side, don't you, Harry?

- My giving side.
- Yes, of course.

Okay.

Okay, here's what I want
you to do. Find a pay phone.

Call the police
and tell them you heard

what sounded like a gunshot
coming from Adam's townhouse.

- Can you do that for me, Harry?
- Yes, of course.

Will you call me as soon
as you think it's safe?

I will.

It won't be long and we'll be off to
start our new life together in Tahiti.

Yes!

I can't wait to see...

This is impressive
and I love the title.

In order for us to continue to
have a trusting relationship...

Yeah 'cause it's been like what,
24 hours already?

- Stay out of this and cook.
- Oh, yes, Sir, yes, Sir!

Mr. Adam Sir.

As I was saying...

we need to be completely honest
with each other

and I need to know you'll keep
my private life private.

Of course.

So no talk about the package
or my aliens?

- Your aliens?
- You know what I mean.

It's uncanny.

This book is so authentic and real,
the characters, it's as if you knew them.

What if I told you that they were
fiction and authentic at the same time?

And what if I told you
that lunch was ready?

I wouldn't be surprised.

What did he tell you before?

- About?
- About the package.

I saw that.

Wha... Adam's package is no secret,
all right? It's known far and wide, so...

So, let's forget about it
and eat.

I heard what you said before.
I'm your oldest friend, man.

I'm your oldest friend and I don't
know anything about any other package.

What is it?

More guns, drugs, tell me it's not drugs.
Tell me something.

That really pisses me off.

- Hello.
- It's Harry. I've got the gun.

- I know where the car is.
- Okay.

- This needs to be published.
- No way!

- It'll be a bestseller.
- Not interested.

- But we could do...
- Look, it's too dangerous.

People have a right to know.

The powers that be are afraid
it'll freak them out,

change everything
they believe in.

The truth is not negotiable.

- I know, but...
- But what?

Look, I'm not even a writer.

I only did it because I had
nothing else to do.

It just sort of wrote itself.

Yeah, but everything happens
for a reason.

I know this publisher.

- I think he could...
- No.

You can't just run away from
this like it never happened.

- Stay out of this.
- What?

- Not you.
- She agrees, doesn't she?

Yes.

So this publisher he specializes
in this kind of stuff.

Area 51, paranormal,
ghost stories.

- I do know a thing or two about ghosts.
- Let's go see him.

I can't, remember.

- Tell him to come here.
- He won't.

He's in Palm Springs. He's a big shot.
He's not just going to come here.

Oh, too bad then.

But he needs to meet you
and hear your story.

He would love this.
He would do it for sure.

What part of, I'm under house arrest.
Don't you understand?

I'm willing to bet
that that's why you're here.

- The bracelet?
- No, here.

You guys
are going to get us killed.

One of us is already dead.

This homicide?

Never mind who I am.

Just tell them if they want
the weapon used in the murder

of Muhammad Mahad Pappa,

look in the trunk of a car
parked on Fiji Way in the Marina.

California license plate 2-4-0.

- Hey, Rob.
- Yeah.

Um, you know
that guy you told me about?

- What guy?
- About the bracelet.

Yeah, you told me
it's too risky. Remember?

You know, locked up behind bars,
visiting me on Sundays.

Hey, you said you might be able
to come on Saturdays, too.

Look, I need 24 hours.
It's important.

It's about that package, right?

You know that package you won't tell
your best friend anything about.

Look, as soon as I get this thing
cleared up, I'll tell you everything.

For the moment it's better
that you're in the dark.

It's safer.
So, just leave it at that.

I need your help on this.

- You sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.

All right. His name is Jesus.

- Jesus?
- Yeah, Jesus.

- Well, what did he say?
- That it was possible.

What do you think?

Well, if he could walk on water

then I guess he can get you out
of the ankle bracelet, right?

- Funny, very funny.
- I'll call him.

Just don't be put off by his appearance.

Oh, boy!

Jesus?

God blesses you.

Cool. Come on in.

Hey.

Hey, back at you.

- Is she okay?
- Oh, yeah. A true believer.

Hmm.

So, what can Jesus do for you?

Can you get me out of this thing
without setting off alarms?

Oosh, hmm.

That'll take a miracle,
but I do miracles for a living.

Uh, excuse me for asking,
but who are you?

Oh, I... I'm Jesus,
the son of God.

Of course.

- God Alvarez is my father.
- You're kidding.

- Your father's name is God?
- Exactly.

And since you seemed
so interested in my credentials,

I started off as a commercial
fisherman of Catalina.

Naturally.

But then I followed in on my father's
footsteps and I became a locksmith.

Ah, a natural progression.

We run a small place
on Benny's Boulevard.

It's called the Jesus
and God Locksmith Shop.

- So, a family operation.
- Yes, yes, yes.

I have a younger brother
named Moses.

Oh, my God.
This is just too good.

And an older brother named Judah.
We get a lot of west side Jewish business.

I bet.

Sorry for all the questions,
but how do you know about ankle bracelets?

You're not a true believer
and your friend here is a cynic.

Oh, now this is not a good environment
for me to do what you need me to do.

Don't take it personally.

- We're just trying to understand.
- I wore one myself for a while.

For what?

Turning water into wine
without a liquor license?

You see what I mean? You see what I mean?
What's her profession anyways, huh?

- Beautiful stand-up comedian?
- She doesn't mean anything by it.

It was a minor, minor,
smuggling charge.

A lovely herb God
would have smoked himself.

Anyway, it kept me ashore
for enough time

with nothing to do but contemplate on that
bracelet and after a while he came to me.

He whispered in my ear, the kind of
whisper that we all wait and pray for,

the one that leads us
to be a novo.

From the TV to the computer,
to the cell phone, to the moon and beyond,

let's just say I grew
to understand how it all works.

How?

Ah, now that is a miracle
that I referred to earlier.

- And I'm sure it doesn't come cheap.
- Oh, there she goes again.

Miracles never do.

So dropping the philosophizing for a
minute, what are we talking about here?

- Cash.
- Yes, how much?

How much you got?

The ATM daily limit is $600.

I can do that.

But...

you need to provide a leg.

- A leg?
- To transfer the bracelet to.

A living human leg.

Wh... Why does it have to be
a living human leg?

Because the bracelet has to be in
contact with living human flesh, yes?

Or the device will send out
a default message

and your boyfriend's ass
will be grass.

The miracle will be reversed

and your boyfriend will be crucified
and Jesus won't be able to save him.

You got it? Si, bueno.

Now you have no idea what some
of my clients have come up with.

I've heard suggested everything from using
a pig to a horse to everything in between.

Where are we going to find
a living human leg?

- I don't know.
- A prayer is always helpful.

Harry Balls.

Well, that's a new one.

I suppose it could work,
but an ankle is better though.

What is this shit about my man
getting a tag on his leg?

He owes me.

He tried to set me up
for a crime I didn't commit.

That's not true.
I was supposed to kill you.

There, even more to my point.

Look, I've apologized.

I'll do whatever I can to help,

but I can't be tied down to this
place like some sort of criminal.

- Harry, it's one day.
- I'm claustrophobic.

I need space, freedom to roam.

The idea of wearing that thing is...
It makes me sick.

How do you think the idea of you
coming here to murder me makes me feel?

Murder? Oh, God!

- For real?
- I couldn't do it.

Just the thought
of you coming here to off me.

Well, since obviously you guys
have many issues

and can get your shit together,

I will be now getting on
with God's work.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's what you came here to do, so.

I'll take your place, honey poo.

Oh, you'd do that for me,
sweet pea?

Anything. You're my squeeze, my man.
As long as I'm getting paid.

Okay, what are we talking here?

My services could be calculated
from an hour, day, week.

One day.

Perks?

- Perks?
- Extras.

Like?

Pizza.

Oh, my God! All you can eat.

- Porn.
- Oh, Lord.

- All that you can handle.
- And 500 big ones under the table.

Deal.

I can never thank you enough
for this.

Yes, you can.

- Jesus is ready.
- Hortense is ready.

I'm ready, too.

Listen up. Now, this miracle requires
a great focus, a great concentration.

You, Hortense, on the couch.
Go on.

- And you Adam, on her lap.
- What?

It is critical that your flesh
is right next to each other.

All right...

lap it is.

Now, bring your ankles right
next to each other as close as you can.

Oh, if you was my man,

I'd be sure that you put some
meat on these rippling muscles.

Well, he's not your man,

so why don't you stick to the
task that you're being paid to do.

Yeah, yeah.

You better be careful with that one
'cause she's a fiery little something.

Now, the contact must be maintained
in order for the miracle to work.

- How is this...
- Shh!

No talking.

Breathe, easily.

See the miracle happen deep,
deep, in your beings.

Pray! Thank you.

Praise the Lord!

It is done. It is done.

Strange how things happen.

I know, it's like a trip.

Like a road map marked with stops
and places to see and things...

You're supposed to say,
what things?

I know.

- Yesterday none of this...
- Yesterday was yesterday.

The truth be told,
I knew it would come to this.

- How?
- I don't know.

I just did.

Oh, they're leaving.

Hey, we just heard that Nikki has been
arrested as an accessory for murder.

- You should be very happy.
- Yeah, ecstatic.

And I hope you didn't forget
to make that pizza order.

It's done.

Give me a minute.

Where is it?

Thank you.

Here it is.

- Open it.
- Me?

Yeah.

This is it, the source.

Years of study and communication
with alien beings

and no one has been allowed
to know about.

But why?

Fear that anarchy would prevail.

That people wouldn't be able
to deal with it.

That it would upset all of their beliefs
about who and what they were. Are.

And that the powers
that be would lose control.

Exactly.

A weakness of power,
a fear of losing control.

Let's get this thing published
and change the world.

What do we do?

Son of a...

Follow me.

Oh, shit!

Who the hell are you?

Shut up! Where are they?

We're just house-sitting.

That's what you call
what you were doing?

They're not here,
went to Palm Springs.

They never got there.
They never left the house.

Not up there.

You got a warrant?

Shut up, fatty.

I'd be surprised
if you could even read it.

- That's pejorative.
- What?

And against my civil rights.

Like I said, you got a warrant?

Yeah, right here.

- Are you expecting someone?
- No.

Did you order pizza?

Yes, it's here?

- What's going on?
- Pepperoni and pineapples.

That sounds disgusting.
Get rid of them.

It's paid for and I'm hungry.

I was just about to leave.

Well, good thing for you,
you didn't.

What?

I do this for a living.
It's how I support my wife and kids.

- You got kids?
- Yeah.

Hold on.

You boys, you need to come up with
a couple for the delivery dude.

I'm broke.

Look, he ain't leaving
till he gets some.

Two broke misfits.

He got kids.

Here you go.

- Wow!
- Don't spend it all in one place.

What are you talking about?

This is the down payment
on my next house.

Don't be a smart ass.
No one likes a smart ass.

Who wants a piece?

- Close it.
- It'll get cold.

Yeah, so will you
if you don't smarten up.

Don't threaten her.
She's the love of my life.

Listen, Sicky.

- Did they get out before we came in?
- No.

Then they're
downstairs somewhere.

It's like a game
of hide-and-seek.

And you're about to go to prison where
you will be hidden for a very long time.

Is she always so uptight?

Nice try.

I should shoot you both just for
bringing me down into that shithole.

Be honest, you've loved it.

Well, not as much as you're
going to love being mauled

by butch chicks
in the federal pen

until that pretty little face of
yours gets ugly with wrinkles.

- Is that it?
- Yes.

- Finally!
- I know.

- I can't believe it.
- The recognition, the honors.

The raises, the promotions.

Tosca, La Boheme,

Madame Butterfly, this...
These are all operas.

Where are they, you bastard?

Let him go, you're hurting him.

Where are they?

Why you were not happy?

- What the...?
- Time is up.

Hold it for the patience for the
few against truth to go away.

That's some fancy ventriloquism.

- You have no idea.
- Play your games.

This is all the evidence
we need.

You see? It is.

And what is can only be denied
at your own peril.

Th... th... this is too weird.
I'm going to call in for backup.

Before you do that there's
something you should see.

Take a look at the screen.

- Oh, my God!
- That's us.

I love you, Simone.

You murdered two innocent people
in cold blood.

We were ordered
to stop this at any cost.

You failed.

I suggest you two leave
and forget you were ever here,

if you want your dirty little secret
to remain a dirty little secret.

Now, get out of here.

Take your crappy,
little ears with you.

It's scary.

They're supposed to be
the good guys.

I'll be right back.

You know, sometimes,
I think that one can see ghosts.

Thank you.

It was my pleasure.

- You speak?
- I do.

- I wish I had known.
- My whispering?

I never really heard words.

I somehow just always knew
what you're saying.

And did I hear him
call you Simone?

That was the name I went by,
my earth name.

Lulu is my other name.

But I was the one
who named you Lulu.

I know you think you did.

I don't understand.

You will.

You're new to this and look
at what you've accomplished.

The information you received

has been trying to get out
for more than six decades...

and you were the one
to actually make it happen.

Soon your book will be read by everyone
and the next step can finally be taken.

And that is?

You know.

It's time for me to leave.

Protect the original documents
in the package.

I will.

When will I see you again?

Remember, there is no past
and future, it's all the same.

If thing's had been different.

I know.

Thank you.

I wanted to do that
since you were sent here.

- I was sent here?
- Of course.

Everything that has happened has
been part of a master plan...

for all of us,
part of our destiny.

Will I ever see you again?

Always.

So, it's true.

- What?
- You're one of them.

Takes one to know one.

By the power vested in me
by the Great State of California

and the West LA
Small Business Association,

I now pronounce you,
woman and husband.

You may kiss the bri...

You can't do this.
You're a locksmith.

Hey, as God as a witness,
this marriage is for real.

That's right, my son.

In Venice, anything can happen
and usually does.

Yes, yes. Now kiss.

We got to get you two in bed
as soon as possible.

Shut up, Lulu.

I'm in a meeting.
I can't even hear myself... Pfft.

I'm your wife's therapist

and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to
spend the remainder of my life with her.

There she is now.

I'm sorry, don't know it...

- Sorry.
- I'm sorry.

- Don't laugh.
- You can laugh.

- You can't laugh.
- All right.

Whoo-ha!

Did you? It was a horse.
I can't.

I did say cut, didn't I?
She just keeps going.

- Are we cut?
- It's near cut.

- I know this publisher. He can help us...
- No!

You can't just run away from
this like it never happened.

Ha, ha. No, I see Lulu behind you.
Yeah, so that doesn't work.

Marker.

I saw that.

Look, look, pack it. Adam's fucking...
Let's do it again.

- Too much space.
- Were you puckering up?

See the miracle happen
deep, deep, in your being.

Okay, come on guys, please.
You're not in it. Get out. Get out.

Get out, you're not in this.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull