All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s24e05 In Which Gavin Hinchcliffe.eng

I saw Gavin Hinchcliffe yesterday.

There's no need to get excited(!)

Yesterday?
I was interviewing a bank manager.

You? In a bank?

Must have been a riverbank.

I bet I haven't seen Gavin
Hinchcliffe since I were at school.

He looked just the same.

Does it suit him,
still being in short trousers?

He were all nervous and twitchy.

He jumped three foot in the air
when I slapped his back and said, "How do, Gavin?" You'd scare ME!

And I've got nerves of steel.

Pass. What I can't understand
is what was Tom doing in a bank.

I often go to a bank.

Could one ask what for? It's not
as if you could get any money.

It's like Wembley.
You go for the atmosphere.

Go on, go on...

Ooh, er, you say me father used
to do this? All the time.

Did he ever say why?

If you have to ask,
you've not got the feel for it.

Yeah, I think you're right.
He's not got the feel for it.

Oh...
He yells OK. He got that bit down.

Oh... He did this all the time?

All the time.

And on much higher walls.

Does anyone feel that Tom's not all
that accustomed to physical effort?

Mrs Avery used to take care of that.
Tha's into equal opportunities.

I am, Billy. I bet you spoiled her.
Well, you do.

I tried to spoil the wife,
but she does it better herself.

Now we come
to the real showbiz bit, Tom.

Put your hands in your pockets
like your father used to do. Why?

We used to wonder about that. Maybe
his pockets were the only place in his trousers without a draught.

Tha's got a low centre of gravity.
And low sense of responsibility.

OK...

So! I'm doing it!

Now what?

Oh... Oh... Ah!

That's it! That's it!
You've got it.

You know what puzzles me about life?

What was that bloke
doing on the roof of a van?

We'll never know now.
We should have asked.

You can't go asking
personal questions of strangers.

He could be barmy. Which is good
if you don't want to stand out here.

When I think of all the hedges I've
been behind with you. I hope you never think that too loudly, Howard.

I'm in favour of retaining the
English hedgerow. It's such a boon to wildlife. It has been to ours.

It's nice to feel that no-one can
see you. It helps me to relax more.

I sometimes think you're
too relaxed. That's kind of you.

People don't
usually realise how laid-back I am.

They don't recognise that
Howard's really cool underneath.

So long as somebody doesn't see us.
..You've even brought the sauce!

How thoughtful.

Hot and spicy.

It matches my perfume, Howard.

How did you smuggle this lot out?
One piece at a time.

I'm like those prisoners of war
digging tunnels. Sneaking the soil out down their trousers.

How inventive.

Soil's all very well,
but this is the last time I'll be bringing pickled onions.

Nice day for it!

I don't remember Gavin Hinchcliffe.
Course tha remembers Gavin Hinchcliffe.

We used to throw him at the lasses
in the playground. Oh, HIM.

Couldn't you afford a ball? He was
the weapon of choice. If you wanted to attract the attention of a lass,

you threw Gavin Hinchcliffe at her.
It paid not to miss.

I once spent a full term refusing
sweets from that boy Sparkbrook. Tha does spin some dollop, Truly.

Nobody'll ever believe
YOU refused a sweet.

Was Gavin Hinchcliffe good to throw?
He had places you could get a grip.

He used to squeal a lot.
That was one of the places.

He had ears like a dart's feathers.
Why did you throw him at girls?

If a lass got Gavin Hinchcliffe
thrown at her, it was...romantic. Although not for Gavin Hinchcliffe.

He was all right! How bad could
it be, falling on girls? I think he had more fun than any of us.

It's true. He got to like it.
You couldn't keep him away.

"Throw me at her over there,"
he used to say.

Yes, it had a vein of poetry
about it. A sort of ancient courtship ritual.

"Dear diary, Today he threw
Gavin Hinchcliffe at me.

"Does this mean we're engaged?"

What if the girl didn't appreciate
having him thrown at her?

They threw him back.
It marked the end of an affair when a girl gave you your Gavin back.

Very sad. Several of Form Four went
off to join the foreign legion.

Hey! There's the van. Van?

The one with the crackpot
on the roof. Let's hope he's not drinking and driving on roofs.

Barry?

Why are you standing staring
at a wall, Barry? Oh, am I?

Well, it's our wall. Barry, come
back from wherever you are. I'm not really looking at it. Oh, no?!

But sooner than visit your mother,
I'd rather look at a wall.

Oh, that's what this is all about.
Any wall. It's not just my mother. The other ladies'll be there.

They like to see you. They used to
sit round the guillotine watching beheadings. They were French.

They weren't that French that
they didn't look like your mother!

I'll tell her you think
she looks French. I'll deny it.

Look, tell her I couldn't come
because of this bad cough.

You're coming. They make me feel
like a laboratory specimen.

And you look like one, the way
you wriggle and squirm about. Just relax and join in the conversation.

Speak? I'm not allowed to speak.
If I start to open my mouth, they look at me - daring me to speak.

Oh, Barry. They're just a group of
respectable ladies. You think so?

All I can say is if somebody
blew a bugle, they'd all turn into the Hermann Goering Division.

�8.20, please.

I know it's my turn, but I left
my wallet in the other suit.

I'll do it.

That's him.

Even from the back, he looks
the sort you'd find on a van roof.

She was driving. Maybe he was
on the roof cos she was driving.

It's Gavin Hinchcliffe!

Billy Hardcastle! Again!

Ha!

And you used to be Norman Clegg.
Uh, well, I...I... I suppose I still am, technically.

Norman Clegg. And Herbert Truelove.

This is Tom. I don't remember him.

He'd probably gone back
for his wallet in his other suit.

He was in the police.
He never forgets a poor excuse.

Is this Mrs Hinchcliffe? No...no...

This is, er, Miss Davenport, who is
very kindly keeping me warm until the missus comes back. Mr Clegg.

- Er...
- I believe I've seen you in the library. Devouring Barbara Cartland.

I deny that. It was either
50 Things To Do With The Potato

or An Account Of The
Carlisle To Settle Steam Railway.

This young lady,
whom I've only recently met, and I

want to start a club for healthy
and innocent outdoor activities.

Oh, that sort of club.
No. Some harmless pastime of a clearly innocent nature

which doesn't draw people's
suspicious attentions. What kind of pastime? We haven't decided yet.

What have you got?

I always think refurbishing old
wardrobes is an attractive hobby...

No. It has to be easily portable.
You can hire the handcart.

It has to be something tasteful,
compact and handy for a bicycle.

Oh, dash!
I think I just sold the last one.

Not to worry.
I'll find you something.

He's very tall
for a second-hand establishment. I think small is neater.

It's not always that easy to find
just what you want in trousers. I know exactly what you mean!

An easel, a set of paints and
brushes, and you'll want a beret.

That's it, Auntie.
We've cracked it!

Is Miss Davenport
often to be found at that angle?

She can't handle drink. On account
of an old romantic injury. She says some fool promised to marry her.

It was you. That's another thing -
she hears voices.

And misreads library books.

I gave him the unrestricted
use of my photocopier. A position I never abused.

That day at Cleethorpes. It was
raining! ..I could hardly be expected to take her to the zoo.

He promised me marriage.

I...I...never said "marriage".
I may have said "garage".

I have a garage. You see how easily
the word could have cropped up?

"We'll be together," he said. Look,
the most I said was would SHE care to assist ME with my experiments.

Would you excuse us a minute?
He's so strong when he's roused. I call him my Hercules.

So that's why he was on the roof.
They argue if he sits inside.

Hercules? After the bicycle.

..It were pouring!

I think they're a lovely couple.
They have something.

You like anybody who's barmy.
That's it. Barmy.

Come in
and make yourself comfy, Barry.

I could wait outside.

You won't wait outside. You'll
wait in here where you belong. As long as I'm not in the way.

We'll tell you when you are.

Oh yes. It's always best
to be upfront about these things.

He's looking well. ..Don't
you think he's looking well?

He looks OK on the outside, but is
his inside regularly cleansed?

Do we have to go into details? Have
his spots cleared up? Yes, Mother.

There you go, you see. Spots.

There must be a connection
with not being regularly cleansed.

Is it always this much fun?

They have a tendency
to pick up spots.

They don't come in my place.
Not with spots.

They pick up worse than spots.

Men! They come at you with promises
in clouds of aftershave.

Then before you know it,
life's Vick and Germoline.

I never realised you told
everybody. I was concerned, Barry.

Has he tried coal-tar soap?
They need bathing regular in coal-tar soap.

Yes, the old remedies are still
the best. I'd almost cured my husband's funny rash when he died.

My spots have all cleared up.
He doesn't need coal-tar soap.

I think when they get too fancy
for coal-tar soap, it's a bad sign.

Mine's started sneaking
out with pickled onions. The drug of choice in our day.

You try to stay one jump ahead,
but how are you supposed to anticipate pickled onions?

Why is he on a van roof,
you keep asking.

We just thought we'd mention it.

We don't make a habit of it. We've
never asked anyone else. You don't, do you. The big freeze is coming.

Mrs Hinchcliffe due back, is she?

I'm talking global warming.

Oh, not just Miss Davenport.

I gave up my night classes for him.

It's going to change the climate.
We'll lose the Gulf Stream.

There's always summat.
Has anybody reported it? What colour is it?

I was well on my way to
a diploma in Vegetarian Studies.

We're going to be snowed in deep
for six months every year. And I'm going to be ready. Yes...

Yes, I can see it'll be OK
for you on the roof,

but won't it be inconvenient
for Miss Davenport?

They don't care. I'm going
to be ready for living on skis.

I'm going to be finely tuned,
balancewise.

I think he's
finely tuned, balancewise.

I think he's as finely
tuned balancewise as you can be!

I've been practising up here
till I've got the balance of a monkey on a twig.

Go, Davenport, go!

I think tha monkey's just fell off.

Come on, Tom. I think his head
broke his fall.

Quite like old times, picking Gavin
up. She's been drinking. I'm remembering. She's been drinking.

Yes, I've been drinking! If you keep
on avoiding your responsibilities, I'll keep on drinking!

It's a good job
he's finely tuned balancewise.

It's shaken Miss Davenport up so
much, she's celebrating at the bar.

Always heavy on the clutch. Is it
likely I'd be promising wedlock to anyone so heavy on the clutch?

Right. What do we do now that
Gavin's finished his global warming for the day? I aren't finished!

You don't pack it in
after the first tumble.

I think "before"
has much to recommend it.

Is he ready for any more? Hey!

Should be fun finding out. But
he's going to need another driver.

You'll have to drive, Clegg.
Me? Well, you're sober.

Listen, I can soon alter that.

Think of it as doing your bit
for global warming, Clegg.

I'm wearing a vest, a shirt,
a cardigan and a waistcoat. That's doing my bit for global warming.

That's just in the summer. What
does he take off in hot weather? His cap.

Do you read Trollope? Never, madam.
I borrow Clegg's Barbara Cartlands.

He does. He reads Trollope.

I like a man who reads Trollope.
Hey!

Tha's found a friend, Truly.
Next thing, you'll be throwing Gavin Hinchcliffe at her!

Can we get underway?
I haven't got the keys.

Where are the keys? Somebody find
him the keys. She has the keys. I have. It's true. I have the keys.

He stole my innocence, but I've the
keys. I'm damned if I'll ever borrow another photocopier. Ow! Watch it!

Tell her there's no hurry.
Ignore him - he's only the driver.

Here...
Now, all I need to know is where to put it. Try it in there.

It was just a hypothetical question.
There's no need to get all specific.

Ohhh...

There now. There's a big sigh.
Tell Miss Davenport your troubles, why don't you?

How do you spell Nicaragua?
With a K.

I've done that. It doesn't look
right. It maybe isn't. You asked how I spell it. I spell it with a K.

I don't think it's optional. What
are you doing in Nicaragua, anyway?

You know that drunk we arrested?
He called us a pair of Nazis.

Well, put that down. You can spell
Nazi. I have. But later, he said, "You're a couple of storm troopers.

"Where do you think this is -
Nicaragua?"

I was handcuffing his leg at
the time. You were there. You're supposed to be a witness to this.

Oh, I remember him saying it.
I remember it distinctly.

What about the report of a man
on the roof of a moving vehicle? I don't believe it. Me neither.

I wish we could solve 'em all as
quick. If he was, he'll have fallen off by now. Look on the bright side.

Do you fancy a pizza? I fancy
a pizza. Let's be gone, then.

I've got to finish this. I'm still
not happy with Nicaragua. It's lucky they got rid of Czechoslovakia.

You know what he really said?
"You're a couple of storm troopers.

"Where do you think this is -
Cuba?" Oh, aye. I remember now.

Is this how he always drives?
He has his own style.

It feels like we've been jumping a
few stiles. I used to deliver lino.

I'm better
with a few rolls in the back.

You men. You're all the same.

This'll do, Clegg. Stop the van.

Not in the middle of the road.
Pull into the side.

I knew it.
It's getting trickier all the time.

Off you go then, Gavin.
Up on the roof. Miss Davenport can supervise while walking alongside.

I thought I might stay in here
with you. Talk Trollope.

He does mostly. I can't go up there
if he drives like that.

That was till he got the hang of
it. He's improving by the minute. We'll all be confident down here.

Tha'll be all right, Gavin.
It'll be a good test of balance. Not to mention mental stability.

Start the engine, Clegg.

Can't somebody find him
a few rolls of lino?

Stand by to let the clutch in
gently. You heard him - gently!

Off you go, then.

How come I've got to come up here?

Because there's a limit
to the number of times we can drop even a Gavin Hinchcliffe.

And because tha's just been
elected. We'll keep the experiment going until Gavin's ready again.

Practice for the driver. There are
more knobs here than a church organ.

Just don't go playing any funeral
march. Let Miss Davenport drive.

She can't drive.
She's been drinking.

She'll be better than Cleggy sober.

It's true. I confess. I'll sign it.

You'll be all right. You can't
rob Tom of his moment of glory.

Right, let's get moving while I've
got him psyched up. And go steady. Steady's his middle name.

I hear him calling thee a name,
Cleggy. Don't think it's "Steady".

Are you too warm under a duvet?
You can't tell me they're not responsible for folk getting spots.

I suppose they're OK for people who
live at continental temperatures.

My spots have been
cleared up for ages.

I told her to get an eiderdown.
..Didn't I tell you? Fashions change, Mother. Not in this house.

Quite often, it's diet. Oh, they
eat all this fancy foreign stuff.

There are things in supermarkets
you'd wonder how anyone'd tackle.

Like her at the checkout.

There's a Mrs Newall from
Hebden Street who blames their duvet for her husband's hair falling out.

Barry's got a good head of hair.
At least, I had when I came.

Newalls from Hebden Street? From
what I hear, she gives him reason for his hair falling out.

What does she do
that makes his hair fall out?

Now, you can wait outside, Barry.

You see what happens when you're
among friends? People take every precaution to ensure your safety.

So, how come I don't feel safe? It's
a failure of trust on your part.

That kind of ingratitude hurts.
Have you noticed how he's all gob?

Don't talk to me when I'm driving.

You haven't started yet.

Damn it! I...I thought it was too
good to be true. Off you go, then.

And let your clutch in more gently.
A bit of embroidery - not your heavy metal.

Remember there's a passenger
on the upper deck. Remember this, remember that... Start your engine.

You see?! What did I tell you?

Look who's getting the hang of it.
A definite touch of the Mansells.

Not Nigel. Cynthia Mansell.
Don't start till I'm ready.

You're ready. You're ready.
Oh, well, in that case...

Don't leave me
on top of Miss Davenport. She'll think we're engaged!

You're doing great, man.
Getting better all the time.

Told you, didn't I? How we look
after your safety. ..Wait for us!

I think we've really cracked it.

People won't look twice at people
harmlessly painting the scenery.

You told them I had spots.

I just mentioned it, Barry.

Who did Gavin Hinchcliffe marry?

I think it was a Mrs Hinchcliffe.

That sounds logical.

Are we going to lie here all day?

Probably.

Sounds logical.

Be reasonable, Miss Davenport.
Rolling out of a van together is not legally binding.

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