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1
00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:13,200
Excuse me! Is there anybody home?
2
00:00:17,180 --> 00:00:22,380
This is your captain speaking.
We're approaching some turbulence.
3
00:00:29,420 --> 00:00:32,140
The house is on fire.
4
00:00:32,140 --> 00:00:34,760
Oh, that's nice.
5
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:38,680
I'm leaving you, Howard.
I've had a better offer.
6
00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:43,120
It's not a very good offer, but
it's better than the one I've got.
7
00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:50,980
What is it with you and this book?
It's terrific. He's so heroic. Right up your street.
8
00:00:50,980 --> 00:00:57,660
The adventures of El Lobo - The Wolf.
The Smiling Bandit and his struggles against the oppressors of his people.
9
00:00:57,660 --> 00:01:03,460
But can he clean a good window?
It could have been me if I'd been born in South America.
10
00:01:03,460 --> 00:01:08,400
You can't do that kind of stuff here.
They'd laugh if you wore a sombrero.
11
00:01:10,660 --> 00:01:12,840
See?!
12
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:04,020
Woof-woof! We'll have none of that.
It's pay-back time!
13
00:02:04,020 --> 00:02:08,580
I must have worn two sets of tyres
out trying to pin you down.
14
00:02:08,580 --> 00:02:14,700
But today's the day! I was watching
from up the hill with binoculars, I saw you arrive. I know you're there.
15
00:02:18,700 --> 00:02:21,200
Mr Simmonite.
16
00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:26,320
Hey up. All right. Up front.
17
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:32,460
Cards on the table. Here we are.
Face to face. Let's get down to business.
18
00:02:32,460 --> 00:02:38,580
You led me a right old chase,
but I want your signature now on a few dotted lines.
19
00:02:38,580 --> 00:02:45,540
You want me autograph? In several
places. That's ever so flattering, but I ought to warn you -
20
00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:51,560
we haven't actually made it
in showbiz yet. Waldo and me have only just started.
21
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:55,800
Crikey, I've heard of sudden fame,
but this is really fast. Fame?
22
00:02:55,800 --> 00:03:02,040
Ventriloquist act. I'm beginning
to think he's Polish or something. Can we get down to business?
23
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:08,820
Are you under the impression
that I'm the Mr Simmonite who's normally to be found in this hut?
24
00:03:08,820 --> 00:03:14,940
I AM under that impression. Are you
saying you're not Mr Tom Simmonite? I can understand why -
25
00:03:14,940 --> 00:03:21,220
the resemblance is uncanny.
Resemblance? Between me and Mr Tom Simmonite of no fixed abode,
26
00:03:21,220 --> 00:03:25,460
who, some say, is inclined to be
tricky. That was probably me.
27
00:03:25,460 --> 00:03:28,100
I'd give you his address,
28
00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:34,340
but I'd hate to feel responsible
for sending you to him when there's a full moon. Full moon?
29
00:03:34,340 --> 00:03:36,520
That fat white round thing.
30
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:43,940
I've always felt I could
make a man happy. Flower arranging.
31
00:03:43,940 --> 00:03:50,420
I read one of the major weapons in
the armoury of the perfect homemaker is a gift for flower arranging.
32
00:03:50,420 --> 00:03:53,260
Sharlene, it's not flower arranging.
33
00:03:53,260 --> 00:03:56,280
The choice of container is crucial.
34
00:03:56,280 --> 00:04:00,720
The gifted homemaker
matches her blooms to her vase.
35
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:04,840
There's no wonder
your Italian went back to his wife.
36
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:08,960
He promised me he'd send me her
recipe for spaghetti carbonara.
37
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:13,080
Men lie. I don't care
what you put in your container.
38
00:04:17,420 --> 00:04:19,900
Hey up, hey up.
39
00:04:23,820 --> 00:04:26,420
Can you hide this car?
40
00:04:26,420 --> 00:04:33,140
Tha nearly hid it yourself.
It almost went up my trouser leg. There's room up there for a trailer.
41
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:37,200
This is a matter of urgency.
What do you want it hiding for?
42
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,820
They're coming to take it back.
43
00:04:39,820 --> 00:04:46,920
Your father had a telly like that.
They're so unreasonable! You scrape everything you can borrow to buy it.
44
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:51,640
Where do they expect you
to get the money to pay it back?
45
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:56,500
There must be a flaw in the argument
somewhere, but you've convinced me.
46
00:04:56,500 --> 00:05:03,160
That's because you'd believe anybody.
I find it's simpler to wait till the wife tells me what I believe.
47
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:09,760
I wish I could make the Repo Man
believe. He was at the door! Your father had a door like that, too.
48
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:15,280
How did you get away? I'm trying to
convince him I'm not Tom Simmonite.
49
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:20,920
Oh, that's easy! I'd believe it.
Just passing through, are you, stranger?
50
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:25,980
Ignore him. So where are you with
this "not being Tom Simmonite"?
51
00:05:25,980 --> 00:05:33,480
I've promised to bring him the real
Tom Simmonite. I've got to find a lookalike. WE can find one of those.
52
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:37,760
You are looking at Truly of the Yard.
Finding people is my speciality.
53
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:45,400
Where are you going to find
another like him? He doesn't have to be perfect. Just a rough match.
54
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,020
Sounds like my marriage.
55
00:06:17,900 --> 00:06:24,860
It could be yours for a small
deposit. Oh, no, I'm not buying. I'm looking for a Mr Simmonite.
56
00:06:24,860 --> 00:06:27,900
And you think he's under there?
57
00:06:27,900 --> 00:06:34,440
Oh, no, no. I'm also looking
for his car. Well, when I say "his" car, I use the word loosely.
58
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:38,980
At the rate he's going, it could be
his car in about 30 years.
59
00:06:38,980 --> 00:06:45,400
What does this Mr Simmonite
look like? I have my own suspicions, but he says he's not.
60
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:49,440
Who says he's not what?
Mr Simmonite. Swears blind he's not.
61
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:53,980
You're losing me. No, well, I'm not
losing him, though. Not again.
62
00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:58,800
I'm supposed to be meeting him
later with the real Mr Simmonite.
63
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:03,220
I don't suppose you know the real
Mr Simmonite? Simmonite? Um...
64
00:07:03,220 --> 00:07:10,300
Never mind. Don't strain yourself.
I'll sort it out. They don't call me the Bloodhound for nothing.
65
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:25,800
I need a lookalike!
There must be one somewhere.
66
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:31,400
It's possible. It's amazing where
your father got to on that old bike.
67
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:42,520
You think you can help me? Listen,
let's have a few conditions here.
68
00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:46,800
I don't believe in helping for
nothing. There are no free lunches.
69
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:51,520
You can tell he's descended
from Robin Hood. He's a total bandit.
70
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:56,180
He's got all those legs to support.
What ARE these conditions, Billy?
71
00:07:56,180 --> 00:08:00,640
I'm recruiting for the Merry Men.
I thought you'd got one.
72
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:05,520
One? What good's one? Anyway,
he went home when he got stung.
73
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,640
By you!
Stinging him for an entrance fee.
74
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:12,820
It goes towards the uniforms.
I'm not wearing a uniform.
75
00:08:12,820 --> 00:08:16,860
Tha'll be safe in t'greenwood.
We all protect each other.
76
00:08:16,860 --> 00:08:19,080
Each other. There's only you!
77
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:24,100
There's me and him now. That's not
enough to fill a greenwood, is it?
78
00:08:24,100 --> 00:08:27,280
You need three more
to fill a greenhouse!
79
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:31,200
Robin Hood and his Merry Man
living in the greenwood.
80
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:39,320
We don't live in the greenwood.
We don't do a night shift. We have to adjust to modern conditions.
81
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:43,280
- More than you can say for this bun.
- You what?!
82
00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:48,960
How did she hear that?
I think it's witchcraft.
83
00:08:49,220 --> 00:08:54,100
What's wrong with these buns? That's
a solid bun. That is a reliable bun.
84
00:08:54,100 --> 00:09:00,500
You don't get a nervous stomach
after a bun like that. Two of those and you don't need a tranquilliser.
85
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:07,580
Delicious buns! Hands up all those
who think these are delicious buns!
86
00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:09,740
We tell everybody.
87
00:09:09,740 --> 00:09:17,500
Tell him. Comes back here after
all those years down south to the detriment of his digestive system.
88
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:24,920
A momentary lapse of judgment on the
part of certain taste buds normally associated with delicious buns.
89
00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:31,920
I-I blame the police canteen for
excessive use of vanilla essence.
90
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,820
Lost his taste for an honest bun.
91
00:09:38,820 --> 00:09:44,020
Worse than that - he wears fancy
boxer shorts. They were in the sale.
92
00:09:44,020 --> 00:09:47,900
It's a good job
your mother went when she did.
93
00:09:47,900 --> 00:09:50,460
You weren't always this way.
94
00:09:50,460 --> 00:09:55,980
I remember you
behind the sports pavilion wrestling with Denny Hodgeson.
95
00:09:55,980 --> 00:09:58,640
Just remember who won.
96
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:06,160
Where did you find this
golden tongue? In the police force?
97
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:11,700
Not only short of a lookalike,
I had to leave half a bun!
98
00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:14,300
It was a pleasure leaving mine.
99
00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:18,720
If tha father was here,
he'd never have left half a bun.
100
00:10:20,260 --> 00:10:24,260
Was he a big eater, then?
Only at meal times.
101
00:10:24,260 --> 00:10:26,800
Oh! And sometimes between meals.
102
00:10:34,613 --> 00:10:38,773
What's your Howard wearing?
He looks like a funny Mexican.
103
00:10:38,773 --> 00:10:45,973
He does in a certain light. I saw
his reflection once and thought, "You look like a funny Mexican."
104
00:10:45,973 --> 00:10:50,433
I knew a Frenchman once,
but he smoked very heavily.
105
00:10:50,433 --> 00:10:54,573
He was very careless with his ash.
A good job the marks didn't show.
106
00:10:56,713 --> 00:11:01,813
Was he good looking? Yes, as far as
you could see through the smoke.
107
00:11:06,793 --> 00:11:14,033
Oh, that?! He's fallen in love
with El Lobo, the Smiling Bandito.
108
00:11:14,033 --> 00:11:16,253
Howard!
109
00:11:19,353 --> 00:11:23,933
He used to smoke. Maybe
I couldn't see too clearly either.
110
00:11:24,533 --> 00:11:28,713
Yes, love?
Well, where's your silly hat? Hat?
111
00:11:28,713 --> 00:11:33,353
Small pause while he runs through
his list of handy excuses.
112
00:11:33,353 --> 00:11:38,073
Well, come on, let's hear it.
Why were you wearing a silly hat?
113
00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:43,293
Yes. It IS a silly hat. And it fits
because I've had a silly life.
114
00:11:43,293 --> 00:11:45,873
No action...no heroics.
115
00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:52,453
Well, it's going to stop.
I'm going to stop being the kind of person who wears a silly hat.
116
00:11:52,453 --> 00:11:57,253
Ooh! Inclined to be touchy,
these Mexicans.
117
00:11:57,253 --> 00:11:59,813
Where do you think you're going?
118
00:12:01,893 --> 00:12:06,013
Do not presume to question El Lobo,
the Smiling Bandito!
119
00:12:38,593 --> 00:12:41,993
Did he look like
an Entwistle to you?
120
00:12:41,993 --> 00:12:46,053
Isn't that a Lancashire name?
Probably explains it, then.
121
00:12:59,453 --> 00:13:02,493
Hello, here he is again.
122
00:13:07,033 --> 00:13:10,953
If he wants any money,
tell him you don't speak English.
123
00:13:10,953 --> 00:13:15,013
Isn't he the one
who shouldn't be speaking English?
124
00:13:15,013 --> 00:13:17,373
Exactly! We'll confuse him.
125
00:13:17,373 --> 00:13:21,233
You lads in the market
for some ancient Eastern wisdom?
126
00:13:21,233 --> 00:13:26,193
What sort of ancient Eastern wisdom?
Don't encourage him.
127
00:13:26,193 --> 00:13:33,213
The experience of centuries,
available as a guide to your life. Advice on health, wealth, romance.
128
00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:39,673
I also offer a first-rate service
for any domestic electrical appliance.
129
00:13:39,673 --> 00:13:45,453
The state that van's in,
you're no great advert for ancient Eastern wisdom!
130
00:13:45,453 --> 00:13:49,473
There you go, you see,
judging by appearances.
131
00:13:49,473 --> 00:13:54,293
The Sage would say, "Appearances
are but the smoke in the wind."
132
00:13:55,813 --> 00:13:58,693
That'll be 50p. Each.
133
00:13:58,693 --> 00:14:02,233
For what?
For the ancient Eastern wisdom.
134
00:14:02,233 --> 00:14:06,533
We haven't asked for any. Too late.
You should've stopped me.
135
00:14:06,533 --> 00:14:12,453
I'm not allowed to give it
without somebody making a token offering to the spirits.
136
00:14:12,453 --> 00:14:17,493
50p for appearances
are but smoke in the wind.
137
00:14:17,493 --> 00:14:20,053
I'm giving you group discount.
138
00:14:20,053 --> 00:14:22,933
What's your name? It's on the van.
139
00:14:24,193 --> 00:14:25,773
Electrical?!
140
00:14:25,773 --> 00:14:27,653
Entwistle.
141
00:14:27,653 --> 00:14:32,193
Don't think I'm being nosy,
er, just because I'm being nosy,
142
00:14:32,193 --> 00:14:34,933
but how come your name's Entwistle?
143
00:14:34,933 --> 00:14:37,453
I changed my name, didn't I?
144
00:14:38,653 --> 00:14:42,233
From McIntyre.
I kept being mistaken for a Scot.
145
00:14:43,853 --> 00:14:46,253
What are you, then?
146
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:52,213
A Yorkshireman. What else? So where
does all this ancient Eastern wisdom come from, then?
147
00:14:52,213 --> 00:14:53,973
Hull.
148
00:14:53,973 --> 00:14:56,353
I was born in Hull.
149
00:14:56,353 --> 00:15:01,573
As far East as you can get.
Any further, you're in the Humber.
150
00:15:25,773 --> 00:15:30,473
El Lobo is merciless to those
who mistreat their women.
151
00:15:30,473 --> 00:15:32,833
You will release her, Senor.
152
00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:36,213
Caramba! Is it so?
153
00:15:36,213 --> 00:15:40,393
You will face
the marksmanship of El Lobo!
154
00:15:46,233 --> 00:15:51,073
Ha, ha, ha! I am the Hawk!
Move back, varlet.
155
00:15:51,073 --> 00:15:55,053
Nobody stands against the Hawk!
Ha, ha, ha...OOH!
156
00:15:58,113 --> 00:16:00,933
I am El Lobo,
157
00:16:00,933 --> 00:16:03,873
the Smiling Bandito.
158
00:16:05,653 --> 00:16:12,293
I tell thee, verily, Big Gob.
Those who survive will rue the day they met the Hawk.
159
00:16:12,293 --> 00:16:14,093
Ha, ha!
160
00:16:36,773 --> 00:16:39,213
We've no noodles!
161
00:16:39,213 --> 00:16:43,313
Did I ask for noodles? What makes
you think he wants noodles?
162
00:16:43,313 --> 00:16:45,953
Just a wild guess.
163
00:16:45,953 --> 00:16:48,113
This is Entwistle.
164
00:16:48,113 --> 00:16:50,333
He's from Hull.
165
00:16:50,333 --> 00:16:53,013
Where did his father come from?
166
00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:58,513
Bridlington.
They said that Humber Bridge would make a difference.
167
00:16:58,513 --> 00:17:04,433
We owe him a snack in exchange for
some ancient Eastern wisdom. From Hull.
168
00:17:04,433 --> 00:17:07,353
What do you want?
Bacon and eggs.
169
00:17:07,353 --> 00:17:10,473
It's expensive,
this ancient Eastern wisdom.
170
00:17:10,473 --> 00:17:14,873
- Do you all want bacon and eggs?
- With all that cholesterol?
171
00:17:14,873 --> 00:17:18,793
Course we do!
You need it out on them hills.
172
00:17:18,793 --> 00:17:23,053
Three bacon and eggs.
Oh, it's a big day for catering.
173
00:17:23,053 --> 00:17:28,533
And beans and chips. Sit him down
before he gets any more ideas!
174
00:17:30,313 --> 00:17:33,293
Where did you find HIM?
175
00:17:33,293 --> 00:17:38,293
We've got a job for him. He's going
to be Tom Simmonite's look-alike.
176
00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:51,613
Can you do inscrutable?
I can do a great inscrutable. Let's see, then.
177
00:18:03,053 --> 00:18:07,513
Come out from behind the settee,
Barry. Turn round.
178
00:18:07,513 --> 00:18:14,053
I won't turn round.
You're just being over-sensitive. You look good in shorts.
179
00:18:14,053 --> 00:18:20,533
They're going to laugh.
They're not going to laugh at you. Everybody wears shorts these days.
180
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,993
And they make you want to laugh.
181
00:18:22,993 --> 00:18:27,833
Barry, we have to take up SOME
activity now you've given up golf.
182
00:18:27,833 --> 00:18:34,793
I haven't - it's given ME up.
Come along. You dressed properly for golf. You can dress for hiking.
183
00:18:34,793 --> 00:18:37,153
You can wear long trousers for golf.
184
00:18:37,153 --> 00:18:39,533
Barry. It's a different world now.
185
00:18:39,533 --> 00:18:43,753
People take a pride
in looking terrible in shorts.
186
00:18:43,753 --> 00:18:48,093
I can tell you now with confidence -
people won't laugh.
187
00:18:50,973 --> 00:18:54,753
I'll give him credit.
He does a good inscrutable.
188
00:18:54,753 --> 00:18:59,673
It's in the blood. But how come
NOODLES are not in the blood?
189
00:19:00,353 --> 00:19:05,673
That's the Chinese blood.
The inscrutable's in the Yorkshire blood.
190
00:19:05,673 --> 00:19:10,233
Ah, I never knew that.
I wonder if we invented gunpowder.
191
00:19:10,233 --> 00:19:14,213
Maybe Marco Polo
only got as far as Cleckheaton.
192
00:19:14,213 --> 00:19:20,133
The Chinese aren't inscrutable -
they yak and jabber. Yorkshiremen are inscrutable.
193
00:19:20,133 --> 00:19:26,493
When did you discover that?
When you try to sell them some ancient Eastern wisdom.
194
00:19:26,493 --> 00:19:32,953
Talk about stone-faced.
Well, wherever it comes from, that's a very good inscrutable.
195
00:19:32,953 --> 00:19:37,813
Never fails. When I put
the inscrutable on, ha-ha...
196
00:19:37,813 --> 00:19:40,293
nothing moves it.
197
00:19:47,093 --> 00:19:49,413
I told you!
198
00:20:00,513 --> 00:20:02,873
It was you, wasn't it?
199
00:20:02,873 --> 00:20:05,253
They don't have sombreros!
200
00:20:05,253 --> 00:20:09,313
You'd think a decent hat shop
would carry sombreros.
201
00:20:09,313 --> 00:20:15,033
It was you in the woods,
wearing a silly hat. Well, you were waving a silly stick.
202
00:20:15,033 --> 00:20:20,033
That was quarter staff drill!
Well, I wasn't wearing a silly hat.
203
00:20:20,033 --> 00:20:25,073
I was wearing the best hat
I could get for El Lobo. El Lobo?!
204
00:20:25,073 --> 00:20:27,633
El Lobo - The Wolf.
205
00:20:27,633 --> 00:20:30,133
The Smiling Bandito.
206
00:20:30,133 --> 00:20:36,453
I do the Hawk. Direct descendent
of Robin Hood, on my mother's side. She was a Bristow.
207
00:20:36,453 --> 00:20:41,193
I just wish life had been
more adventurous. I know the feeling.
208
00:20:41,193 --> 00:20:44,513
I'm going to MAKE it
more adventurous.
209
00:20:44,513 --> 00:20:46,873
Go for it!
210
00:20:46,873 --> 00:20:49,373
But get yourself a better hat.
211
00:20:50,893 --> 00:20:56,193
We were supposed to be hiking,
but my Barry won't wear shorts.
212
00:20:56,193 --> 00:21:02,093
Quite right.
If knees were meant to be seen, they'd be nearer your ankles.
213
00:21:02,093 --> 00:21:08,353
I do a hiker's breakfast,
and if they can walk very far after that, I should like to see it.
214
00:21:08,353 --> 00:21:10,953
I think they just go off for a zizz.
215
00:21:10,953 --> 00:21:17,973
I can't do with anything that you
can't do in high heels. I expect you've explored most possibilities.
216
00:21:17,973 --> 00:21:24,773
I never mean it, but it's too late
by the time you realise you should have got out at the last stop.
217
00:21:24,773 --> 00:21:27,893
I think I must have missed the bus.
218
00:21:27,893 --> 00:21:33,433
Me too. Except for
the best out of three falls once with little Denny Hodgeson.
219
00:21:33,433 --> 00:21:36,353
When was this? Drink your coffee!
220
00:21:36,353 --> 00:21:40,093
How long have you been
going hiking? We haven't.
221
00:21:40,093 --> 00:21:44,353
It was my idea, to get his mind off
his failure at golf.
222
00:21:44,353 --> 00:21:48,313
Mine's gone off
looking for a sombrero,
223
00:21:48,313 --> 00:21:52,613
as worn by El Lobo,
the Smiling Bandito.
224
00:21:52,613 --> 00:22:00,573
Oh, didn't they make a film about
that? Oh, he had lovely big brown eyes. Oh, he was lovely, he was.
225
00:22:00,573 --> 00:22:04,133
Well, you've had your share
of brown eyes.
226
00:22:04,133 --> 00:22:08,013
Who was that one from Huddersfield?
How should I know?
227
00:22:08,013 --> 00:22:12,573
But I must've loved him a lot to
cycle all the way to Huddersfield.
228
00:22:12,573 --> 00:22:16,153
To look at Howard
on our wedding photos,
229
00:22:16,153 --> 00:22:22,913
you'd never realise I were marrying
El Lobo, the Smiling Bandito. Cake, anyone?
230
00:22:41,553 --> 00:22:44,153
Why have we come to the allotments?
231
00:22:44,153 --> 00:22:48,133
Because there's a surprise
waiting for you in your hut.
232
00:22:48,133 --> 00:22:52,873
Not only have we found just what
you're looking for, but we deliver.
233
00:22:52,873 --> 00:22:57,433
You've found me a look-alike?
Guaranteed to confuse the Repo Man.
234
00:22:57,433 --> 00:23:00,593
And even you, for that matter.
Er, wait.
235
00:23:05,493 --> 00:23:08,293
BELL CHIMES
236
00:23:10,213 --> 00:23:14,473
You're right. It's uncanny.
I could be his double.
237
00:23:15,513 --> 00:23:19,513
Could I have a word?
He doesn't look like me!
238
00:23:19,513 --> 00:23:24,293
I think he was here first. What you
mean is, YOU don't look like HIM.
239
00:23:24,293 --> 00:23:28,393
We don't look like each other.
Why would you say that?
240
00:23:28,393 --> 00:23:35,773
He's Chinese! You can't deny him
the right to look like you just because he's Chinese. That's racist.
241
00:23:35,773 --> 00:23:38,353
He's older than me. Ageist.
242
00:23:38,353 --> 00:23:43,133
He doesn't look like anybody
that calls themselves Simmonite.
243
00:23:43,133 --> 00:23:47,153
There was an Emperor Simmonite.
Had 400 concubines.
244
00:23:47,153 --> 00:23:50,613
You see where your father
was coming from?
245
00:23:50,613 --> 00:23:53,653
You've brought him
to the right place.
246
00:23:53,653 --> 00:24:00,233
There's nobody else for miles
equipped for turning people into Mexicans. Oh, aye.
247
00:24:00,233 --> 00:24:06,633
He wants to know - how much are
the boots with the silver spurs? Get them on his feet!
248
00:24:06,633 --> 00:24:11,413
What kind of smiling bandit
goes around worrying about money?
249
00:24:11,413 --> 00:24:15,433
What else have you got
in that costume department?
250
00:24:15,433 --> 00:24:19,473
By sheer coincidence,
just what you're looking for.
251
00:24:19,473 --> 00:24:22,853
You don't KNOW
what I'm looking for. Try me.
252
00:24:22,853 --> 00:24:30,433
Have you got anything for the Hawk,
a tall, legendary figure, with room for a thermal vest? The Hawk...
253
00:24:30,433 --> 00:24:38,053
I'm sure I had something last Monday.
I remember thinking, "Just the thing for the Hawk." What is it?
254
00:24:38,053 --> 00:24:42,213
I can't remember off-hand.
I'll know it when I see it.
255
00:24:43,913 --> 00:24:47,193
He says the boots
are a bit too small.
256
00:24:48,713 --> 00:24:54,733
The boots are what they are.
If his feet are too big, I can't be responsible.
257
00:24:54,733 --> 00:24:57,233
Tell him to walk about a bit.
258
00:24:58,253 --> 00:25:00,673
He says the hat's too big as well.
259
00:25:00,673 --> 00:25:04,753
Tell him never.
Mexicans are famous for big hats.
260
00:25:13,353 --> 00:25:19,873
Here we go. This is him now.
He looks like somebody who knows how to collect money.
261
00:25:19,873 --> 00:25:22,273
Don't let me give him any money.
262
00:25:22,273 --> 00:25:28,953
The fellow that belongs to the hut
there - er, you don't know of any other Simmonites, do you?
263
00:25:28,953 --> 00:25:31,513
There was an Emperor Simmonite.
264
00:25:31,513 --> 00:25:34,493
Had 400 porcupines.
265
00:25:34,493 --> 00:25:40,613
Not going to the hut, are you?
Oh, aye, I've got some business with the owner.
266
00:25:40,613 --> 00:25:43,033
With Simmonite? Aye.
267
00:25:43,033 --> 00:25:45,413
What? Should we warn him?
268
00:25:45,413 --> 00:25:50,533
Why do I need warning? You develop
a hide like a rhino in this game.
269
00:25:50,533 --> 00:25:53,493
I am immune to personal suggestions.
270
00:25:53,493 --> 00:26:01,053
Maybe he'll be all right.
If he doesn't wander into tricky territory. What tricky territory?
271
00:26:01,053 --> 00:26:07,033
With Simmonite, lots of things
are tricky territory. Especially his pride.
272
00:26:07,033 --> 00:26:11,973
He once threw a pub bouncer straight
over a van. Did he say what for?
273
00:26:11,973 --> 00:26:14,373
For questioning his Yorkshire roots.
274
00:26:14,373 --> 00:26:18,813
It wasn't a LARGE van.
But it was travelling pretty fast.
275
00:26:18,813 --> 00:26:23,693
Oh, I'm not a beginner in this job.
I've been doing it for years!
276
00:26:25,073 --> 00:26:27,473
Pub...bouncer?
277
00:26:27,473 --> 00:26:30,513
Big fella.
Works for Mothercare now.
278
00:26:30,513 --> 00:26:32,973
I've heard he's getting better.
279
00:26:32,973 --> 00:26:36,073
But he still can't sleep
without a light on.
280
00:26:36,593 --> 00:26:38,973
Why not come and introduce me,
281
00:26:38,973 --> 00:26:43,233
and leave when we get down
to personal details? Fine.
282
00:26:43,233 --> 00:26:48,253
You'll be OK if you don't offend
his pride. What's he so proud about?
283
00:26:48,253 --> 00:26:52,233
Being a Yorkshireman.
Oh, one of them, is he?!
284
00:26:53,913 --> 00:27:01,153
What kind of funny phone call?
"This is El Lobo," it said. "The Smiling Bandito."
285
00:27:01,153 --> 00:27:03,273
Sounds Italian.
286
00:27:03,853 --> 00:27:06,853
Are they very...you know...
287
00:27:06,853 --> 00:27:08,653
demanding?
288
00:27:08,653 --> 00:27:11,213
You'll need plenty of olive oil.
289
00:27:11,213 --> 00:27:13,793
Is that the best you can offer?
290
00:27:13,793 --> 00:27:17,833
Get to the bathroom first.
He'll be longer than you.
291
00:27:17,833 --> 00:27:23,273
I thought it was going to be
one of those FUNNY phone calls.
292
00:27:23,273 --> 00:27:25,793
I nearly didn't agree to meet him!
293
00:27:25,793 --> 00:27:29,973
I thought the other one
was the real Mr Simmonite.
294
00:27:29,973 --> 00:27:35,413
People do.
I've been after him for yonks. I like a happy ending.
295
00:27:35,413 --> 00:27:37,993
Gentleman to see you, Mr Simmonite.
296
00:27:37,993 --> 00:27:44,433
How do, lad?
Tha's just in time for a bit of ancient Hull Fish Docks Wisdom.
297
00:27:44,433 --> 00:27:47,393
How did tha know
I was having a sale?
298
00:27:48,453 --> 00:27:53,313
Remember - don't start querying
his Yorkshire credentials.
299
00:27:53,313 --> 00:27:59,333
Remember -
compared to him, Sean Connery is a lady from Wimbledon.
300
00:28:21,153 --> 00:28:23,673
Little Denny Hodgeson!
301
00:28:34,993 --> 00:28:39,793
You don't REALLY wear
fancy boxer shorts, do you?
302
00:28:39,793 --> 00:28:42,293
They were in the sale!
303
00:28:47,753 --> 00:28:51,733
I thought El Lobo
was the SMILING Bandito.
304
00:28:51,783 --> 00:28:56,333
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