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Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
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Welcome to
the Eddie Griffin experience
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00:01:18,166 --> 00:01:20,291
at the world famous
SLS casino
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00:01:20,291 --> 00:01:22,667
live from the Sayers Club.
Show your love...
5
00:01:22,667 --> 00:01:24,083
and he'll show you right.
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00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:25,709
For a brother who brings
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00:01:25,709 --> 00:01:28,417
laughter to your soul
and to the masses
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00:01:28,417 --> 00:01:31,125
of planet Earth...
for 30 years plus.
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00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:33,875
For 30 years plus.
For 30 years plus.
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00:01:33,875 --> 00:01:36,583
Put your hands together
for the one and only
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00:01:36,583 --> 00:01:40,041
the undeniable,
Mr. Eddie Griffin.
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00:01:54,333 --> 00:01:57,959
Go on, cop a squat, y'all. Go
on, cop a squat.
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00:01:57,959 --> 00:01:59,834
Fuck that!
Get back up!
14
00:02:01,959 --> 00:02:04,041
Yeah, what's up?!
15
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:06,834
Let's do
this motherfucking thing.
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00:02:06,834 --> 00:02:10,542
Go on, sit down, y'all.
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00:02:10,542 --> 00:02:13,709
Hey, Junior!
Eeh, my nigga!
18
00:02:13,709 --> 00:02:15,834
-What's going on, y'all?
19
00:02:15,834 --> 00:02:17,583
-Yes!
20
00:02:17,583 --> 00:02:19,667
Welcome, welcome,
welcome to Las Vegas.
21
00:02:19,667 --> 00:02:22,375
If you just got here,
it's the only city
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00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:24,166
you can see dead people
walking down the street.
23
00:02:24,166 --> 00:02:25,792
-You don't believe me?
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00:02:25,792 --> 00:02:27,333
Take your ass out
on Las Vegas Boulevard,
25
00:02:27,333 --> 00:02:29,250
nigga, there's a dead
Michael Jackson out there
26
00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:30,875
still moonwalking.
27
00:02:30,875 --> 00:02:33,583
Elvis still got three shows
in this motherfucking town.
28
00:02:33,583 --> 00:02:36,375
I seen that--Y'all seen that
Transformer out there?
29
00:02:36,375 --> 00:02:38,750
That motherfucker
asked me for five dollars.
30
00:02:38,750 --> 00:02:40,333
I said, "Turn into a car,
motherfucker,
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00:02:40,333 --> 00:02:43,000
I'll give you 100."
That nigga was trying, too.
32
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,166
-Jeez. You really need a job
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00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:48,792
dressing up like a truck
in this motherfucking heat.
34
00:02:48,792 --> 00:02:50,208
You know when he leave the house
he son be like,
35
00:02:50,208 --> 00:02:52,875
"Daddy, why you dressing up
like a truck?"
36
00:02:52,875 --> 00:02:55,250
"Nigga, do you like food?
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00:02:55,250 --> 00:02:57,333
Your daddy dumb.
This is all I know how to do.
38
00:02:57,333 --> 00:02:59,208
Get my tires!"
39
00:02:59,208 --> 00:03:01,667
It's so hot
in this motherfucking town.
40
00:03:01,667 --> 00:03:03,250
I seen the devil
walking down the street
41
00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:04,709
looking for ice water.
"Listen..."
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00:03:04,709 --> 00:03:07,625
Said he going back to hell
to cool off.
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00:03:07,625 --> 00:03:09,917
There shouldn't be
a fat motherfucker
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00:03:09,917 --> 00:03:11,417
nowhere in this town.
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00:03:11,417 --> 00:03:13,834
Take your fat ass outside
there'd be a puddle
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00:03:13,834 --> 00:03:16,041
-of grease around your ass.
47
00:03:16,041 --> 00:03:17,709
"Hey, nigga,
what's your diet?"
48
00:03:17,709 --> 00:03:19,542
"The sun!"
49
00:03:19,542 --> 00:03:22,417
And crazy white people.
Y'all motherfuckers crazy.
50
00:03:22,417 --> 00:03:24,375
Y'all the only ones
be at these pools.
51
00:03:24,375 --> 00:03:26,875
Nigga, it's a hundred-and-hell.
They out there, nigga,
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00:03:26,875 --> 00:03:28,709
skin bubbling.
Sound like bacon.
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00:03:30,583 --> 00:03:33,959
Niggas be in them cabanas and
we don't pay for 'em, either.
54
00:03:35,417 --> 00:03:37,667
"Shit, no, we gonna sit
right in this motherfucker
55
00:03:37,667 --> 00:03:40,083
till they come and kick us out."
56
00:03:40,083 --> 00:03:41,291
And then that waitress
will come over.
57
00:03:41,291 --> 00:03:42,834
"Would you like a bottle
of champagne?"
58
00:03:42,834 --> 00:03:45,250
"Not for no
three-thousand-goddamn-dollars!
59
00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:46,709
"Well, we gonna have
you ask you to leave."
60
00:03:46,709 --> 00:03:48,208
"I didn't wanna sit
in this motherfucker.
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00:03:48,208 --> 00:03:49,583
No goddamn way."
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00:03:49,583 --> 00:03:51,250
Then we'll walk
to another casino
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00:03:51,250 --> 00:03:52,625
and get right back
in another cabana.
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00:03:53,875 --> 00:03:55,583
Y'all be careful
when you're out here.
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00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:57,083
They ain't building
these casinos
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00:03:57,083 --> 00:03:58,875
'cause motherfuckers
are winning.
67
00:03:58,875 --> 00:04:01,083
-It got quiet in this bitch.
68
00:04:01,083 --> 00:04:02,750
Vegas has got some of you
motherfuckers.
69
00:04:02,750 --> 00:04:05,041
I don't know why you don't
figure it out when you land
70
00:04:05,041 --> 00:04:07,667
at McCarran Airport and they
got that escalator going down?
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00:04:07,667 --> 00:04:09,083
Motherfuckers be hype
on arrival.
72
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,375
"Nigga, we in Vegas.
We about to kick it
73
00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:11,750
like a motherfucker."
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00:04:11,750 --> 00:04:14,208
Y'all better watch them bitches
going up.
75
00:04:16,959 --> 00:04:19,000
Nigga, they be quiet.
76
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,458
Purse empty!
Wallet dry!
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00:04:21,458 --> 00:04:24,500
And my people, we the loudest
when we check in casinos.
78
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,458
Niggas arriving.
"Nigga, I'm in Vegas!
79
00:04:26,458 --> 00:04:28,458
Nigga, I'm about
to get these motherfuckers!"
80
00:04:28,458 --> 00:04:30,375
That's when them dudes
in them black suits be like,
81
00:04:30,375 --> 00:04:32,458
-"We got one."
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00:04:32,458 --> 00:04:35,000
You'll see that motherfucker
later on that evening
83
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,542
on that lonely couch.
Every casino got one.
84
00:04:38,542 --> 00:04:40,250
Niggas, got, you know,
it's over in the distance.
85
00:04:40,250 --> 00:04:41,375
Right by the crap table.
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00:04:41,375 --> 00:04:43,291
They know niggas
like to shoot craps.
87
00:04:43,291 --> 00:04:44,834
Nigga,
I call it the Losing Couch.
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00:04:44,834 --> 00:04:47,458
It ain't got no back on it.
It don't need one.
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00:04:47,458 --> 00:04:49,834
Motherfuckers sitting there
like this...
90
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,750
They mumbling to themselves.
"I had it.
91
00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:55,917
It was in my hand. I had it.
$1,500 it was mine.
92
00:04:55,917 --> 00:04:57,750
I should've walked
when I had the chance to."
93
00:04:57,750 --> 00:05:00,542
Sistas don't let a brother
leave clean, either.
94
00:05:00,542 --> 00:05:02,667
You lose, a sister will be like,
"Yeah, nigga...
95
00:05:02,667 --> 00:05:06,208
I told your black ass
couldn't shoot no craps.
96
00:05:06,208 --> 00:05:07,834
Nigga,
that was our house money."
97
00:05:07,834 --> 00:05:11,333
"Bitch, I lost the house.
You gonna have to sell pussy
98
00:05:11,333 --> 00:05:13,291
so we can get out
this motherfucker."
99
00:05:13,291 --> 00:05:16,041
You see them old bitches like,
"Anybody want some of this?"
100
00:05:18,041 --> 00:05:21,000
Now, this is my 11th year
doing shows out here
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00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:23,083
in Las Vegas
with my residency.
102
00:05:23,083 --> 00:05:25,000
-Yeah. Yes.
103
00:05:27,375 --> 00:05:29,500
It's my 32nd year anniversary
104
00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:31,667
of doing this shit
called stand-up, man.
105
00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:33,166
You understand?
Yeah!
106
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,709
See, nigga--
Nigga...
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00:05:41,125 --> 00:05:43,542
Shit, being out here
in this motherfucking, nigga,
108
00:05:43,542 --> 00:05:46,709
-there's a lot of hoes here.
109
00:05:46,709 --> 00:05:49,542
Vegas got a lot of hoes, man.
Man, when I used to come here
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00:05:49,542 --> 00:05:51,041
on the weekend
before I lived here, man,
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00:05:51,041 --> 00:05:52,667
you know,
you come and do a show,
112
00:05:52,667 --> 00:05:54,583
you get your dick sucked,
make some money, you leave.
113
00:05:54,583 --> 00:05:57,583
Now that I live here,
I know all the hoes.
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00:05:57,583 --> 00:05:59,875
Couple of y'all motherfuckers
in here tonight.
115
00:06:01,375 --> 00:06:04,000
You know who you are.
Nigga, the hoes!
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00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:07,417
All them motherfuckers,
they got big, giant bags.
117
00:06:07,417 --> 00:06:09,959
Young hoes,
they work indoors, see?
118
00:06:09,959 --> 00:06:12,208
They got giant purses.
See, real women, you know,
119
00:06:12,208 --> 00:06:13,875
y'all got respectable,
small purses.
120
00:06:13,875 --> 00:06:15,417
You know, a little makeup.
121
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:17,667
You know, probably
a couple tampons, you know?
122
00:06:17,667 --> 00:06:19,583
If it's that time of the month,
you know?
123
00:06:19,583 --> 00:06:22,458
Hoes got giant bags
so that you can spot 'em.
124
00:06:22,458 --> 00:06:25,750
They got three pair of shoes
in there, four or five wigs.
125
00:06:25,750 --> 00:06:27,417
You know, they'll go upstairs,
nigga, turn a trick,
126
00:06:27,417 --> 00:06:30,625
-come down a redhead.
127
00:06:30,625 --> 00:06:32,500
And if y'all really wanna see
some funny shit,
128
00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:34,083
go to downtown Las Vegas.
129
00:06:34,083 --> 00:06:36,417
That's where the old hoes
hang out.
130
00:06:36,417 --> 00:06:39,083
They still walk the stroll
like it's 1972.
131
00:06:39,083 --> 00:06:41,750
They out in the sun.
Hot.
132
00:06:41,750 --> 00:06:44,250
And they loud when you walk by.
When you're driving by,
133
00:06:44,250 --> 00:06:47,417
"Hey, you see us
over here, nigga!
134
00:06:47,417 --> 00:06:49,917
Come on over here, nigga!
135
00:06:49,917 --> 00:06:53,041
Fuck with a bitch,
nigga!
136
00:06:53,041 --> 00:06:56,667
Let me suck
your little comedy dick, nigga!"
137
00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:58,333
I said, "Bitch,
you got three teeth
138
00:06:58,333 --> 00:07:01,625
and they don't look like
they like each other.
139
00:07:01,625 --> 00:07:03,291
Wait till
them motherfuckers fall out,
140
00:07:03,291 --> 00:07:06,458
come back and see a nigga."
141
00:07:06,458 --> 00:07:09,000
Fuck y'all.
Don't knock it till you try it.
142
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,959
They'll gum you down, nigga.
Smooth sailing.
143
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:16,875
Hoes got regular lives, too.
I live out here.
144
00:07:16,875 --> 00:07:18,792
You see hoes in grocery stores
out here.
145
00:07:18,792 --> 00:07:20,667
Nigga, you on aisle nine
and a bitch come out
146
00:07:20,667 --> 00:07:23,500
with her titty hanging out.
"Nigga, where the bread at?"
147
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:24,834
I said,
"Baby, put your titty up.
148
00:07:24,834 --> 00:07:27,583
My son right here.
You're making him hungry.
149
00:07:29,500 --> 00:07:31,959
Hell, yeah, nigga.
Shit, I was married to a...
150
00:07:31,959 --> 00:07:34,625
a motherfucker that was...
whoo.
151
00:07:34,625 --> 00:07:37,166
I'm on my fourth marriage,
you understand me?
152
00:07:37,166 --> 00:07:39,542
My first three wives was cool,
nigga,
153
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:42,125
but the third one...
nigga...
154
00:07:42,125 --> 00:07:45,333
that was crazy pussy.
155
00:07:45,333 --> 00:07:49,333
Nigga, I call it--
You ever had polio pussy?
156
00:07:49,333 --> 00:07:52,417
Polio pussy
and not a bitch that got polio.
157
00:07:52,417 --> 00:07:54,917
The pussy's so good
you just put your dick in it
158
00:07:54,917 --> 00:07:57,291
that bitch give you polio.
"Oh! Goddamn!
159
00:07:57,291 --> 00:08:01,125
-It's so good! It's so good!"
160
00:08:01,125 --> 00:08:03,250
That bitch had me
following her around.
161
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:04,792
Nigga, I couldn't go nowhere.
162
00:08:04,792 --> 00:08:07,917
"Where you going?"
"I'm right behind you."
163
00:08:07,917 --> 00:08:10,000
You ever had pussy
so motherfucking good
164
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,834
she's in your house...
165
00:08:11,834 --> 00:08:14,500
she go in the bathroom, nigga,
you be outside the door...
166
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:16,375
"The fuck you in there doing?
167
00:08:16,375 --> 00:08:18,500
You been
in there too goddamn long.
168
00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:20,208
What you in there
doing, woman?!"
169
00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:22,166
"I'm right in here
taking a shit."
170
00:08:22,166 --> 00:08:23,709
The bitch come out,
"Where you going?"
171
00:08:23,709 --> 00:08:26,542
"I'm going to the store."
"I'm going with you."
172
00:08:26,542 --> 00:08:28,417
Y'all remember I disappeared
off the scene
173
00:08:28,417 --> 00:08:30,375
for, like, two, three years?
174
00:08:30,375 --> 00:08:34,458
Nigga...
that pussy was that good.
175
00:08:34,458 --> 00:08:36,709
I couldn't leave, nigga,
'cause, you know,
176
00:08:36,709 --> 00:08:39,875
women fuck, I think,
like your occupation.
177
00:08:39,875 --> 00:08:42,542
You know, if you fuck a doctor,
she gonna fuck like a doctor.
178
00:08:42,542 --> 00:08:45,750
You know, "Just, uh,
flex your gluteus maximus."
179
00:08:45,750 --> 00:08:48,458
You know what I mean?
You fuck a crazy bitch?
180
00:08:48,458 --> 00:08:51,041
Crazy women, nigga...
181
00:08:52,667 --> 00:08:55,542
Nigga, your dick,
"Oh, goddamn. Shit."
182
00:08:55,542 --> 00:08:57,333
Nigga, I sat at that
motherfucking house...
183
00:08:57,333 --> 00:09:00,417
My mama came over.
She said, "Baby, ain't nobody
184
00:09:00,417 --> 00:09:03,625
seen you in about three years.
185
00:09:03,625 --> 00:09:04,959
I ain't
seen you in seven months.
186
00:09:04,959 --> 00:09:06,750
You ain't doing
no movies no more,
187
00:09:06,750 --> 00:09:09,834
you ain't doing TV,
you ain't even touring, Eddie.
188
00:09:09,834 --> 00:09:11,834
What you doing?
You just underneath this
189
00:09:11,834 --> 00:09:15,583
-stinky, nasty bitch?"
190
00:09:15,583 --> 00:09:18,375
She said,
"She done put the roots on you."
191
00:09:18,375 --> 00:09:20,583
Now, nigga, I didn't know
what the fuck "the roots" mean.
192
00:09:20,583 --> 00:09:22,000
I'm like,
"Mama, what you talking about?"
193
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,458
"The roots, nigga."
I said, "Did she make you
194
00:09:24,458 --> 00:09:26,000
some kind of gravy
or spaghetti?"
195
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,959
-I said, "Every three days."
196
00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:30,792
I didn't know, shit!
197
00:09:30,792 --> 00:09:32,959
This bitch making me
period panty spaghetti.
198
00:09:32,959 --> 00:09:36,208
Nigga, I'm sitting over there
brainwashed.
199
00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:38,583
My mama said,
"Here, to kill a nigga,
200
00:09:38,583 --> 00:09:42,041
you make this bitch a special
clam chowder, all right?
201
00:09:42,041 --> 00:09:44,583
Motherfucker,
give her a clam chowder
202
00:09:44,583 --> 00:09:47,458
and get a pair of her panties
and bury them in the backyard."
203
00:09:47,458 --> 00:09:49,583
Well, as y'all can see,
I'm back to work.
204
00:09:51,709 --> 00:09:55,709
So, if the shit ever happen to
you, you know the cure.
205
00:09:55,709 --> 00:09:57,458
When I was a kid, nigga,
you know they take you
206
00:09:57,458 --> 00:10:00,458
on these field trips?
I was like six, seven years old.
207
00:10:00,458 --> 00:10:02,208
They take you to the zoo.
208
00:10:02,208 --> 00:10:04,458
So we went to the monkey exhibit
209
00:10:04,458 --> 00:10:06,333
and they wasn't doing
monkey shit.
210
00:10:06,333 --> 00:10:07,792
They wasn't moving.
211
00:10:07,792 --> 00:10:09,250
So, nigga, I started
throwing rocks at 'em.
212
00:10:09,250 --> 00:10:11,083
I wanted to see them
do monkey shit.
213
00:10:11,083 --> 00:10:14,000
That monkey loaded up, nigga...
214
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,250
Pow!
215
00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:20,458
And it hit a nigga right here
and it was hot!
216
00:10:20,458 --> 00:10:22,959
All you heard was...
217
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,667
Nigga,
this is how I became funny.
218
00:10:27,667 --> 00:10:29,917
Two years of kids
don't give a fuck.
219
00:10:29,917 --> 00:10:31,709
Kids fucking with me
all the time.
220
00:10:31,709 --> 00:10:33,667
-"Hey, monkey shit head!"
221
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:36,625
Yeah, you better learn
how to clown back.
222
00:10:36,625 --> 00:10:39,291
Yeah, fuck monkeys.
Yeah.
223
00:10:39,291 --> 00:10:41,000
They full of shit,
but I think that was
224
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:44,000
God talking to me, really.
That's God's way of saying,
225
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:47,500
-"Nigga, you the shit."
226
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:49,875
Nigga, shit.
I been telling jokes
227
00:10:49,875 --> 00:10:52,417
so motherfucking long, nigga.
I used to do this shit
228
00:10:52,417 --> 00:10:54,375
-for free on the corner.
- Oh, no.
229
00:10:54,375 --> 00:10:57,375
-Yeah, I never had to buy weed.
230
00:10:57,375 --> 00:10:58,875
They're like, "Give a little
nigga a dime sack,
231
00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:01,542
he gonna go all night."
And I did, too, nigga.
232
00:11:01,542 --> 00:11:02,875
Shit, they mamas be
on the porch.
233
00:11:02,875 --> 00:11:06,083
"I told y'all Eddie crazy.
Look at him.
234
00:11:06,083 --> 00:11:08,125
He can do anybody.
The boy's a mimic."
235
00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:09,709
I said, "What are you
talking about, woman?"
236
00:11:09,709 --> 00:11:12,709
-"See, the nigga doing me.
237
00:11:12,709 --> 00:11:14,667
Eddie, you gonna make it.
Keep going, baby.
238
00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:16,041
You keep going."
239
00:11:16,041 --> 00:11:19,709
I appreciate the fuck
out of them old sisters, man.
240
00:11:19,709 --> 00:11:22,458
Shit, only family members
would come outside,
241
00:11:22,458 --> 00:11:25,917
-"That boy ain't gonna be shit.
242
00:11:25,917 --> 00:11:28,250
He going to jail
like his Uncle Bucky."
243
00:11:29,875 --> 00:11:32,750
I remember I had a principal who
told me I wasn't gonna be shit.
244
00:11:32,750 --> 00:11:34,542
"Nigga, you ain't gonna never
gonna be shit, nigga.
245
00:11:34,542 --> 00:11:37,041
You're getting suspended,
you're always clowning in class.
246
00:11:37,041 --> 00:11:40,375
Nigga, you ain't gonna be shit,
Eddie."
247
00:11:40,375 --> 00:11:42,333
Show you how God work.
I fuck around,
248
00:11:42,333 --> 00:11:44,709
and I become famous, right?
I go back home
249
00:11:44,709 --> 00:11:46,709
to Kansas City, Missouri, nigga,
I did a concert.
250
00:11:46,709 --> 00:11:48,542
Midland Theater,
5,000 seats sold the fuck out.
251
00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:50,375
It was a line around a line
around a building
252
00:11:50,375 --> 00:11:52,792
if you can wrap your head
around that.
253
00:11:52,792 --> 00:11:54,750
I spotted this
motherfucking principal
254
00:11:54,750 --> 00:11:57,625
in line to get a ticket.
I told my limo driver,
255
00:11:57,625 --> 00:11:59,709
-"Slow down."
256
00:11:59,709 --> 00:12:01,250
Oh, I got bougier
than a motherfucker.
257
00:12:01,250 --> 00:12:03,083
- "Slow down."
258
00:12:03,083 --> 00:12:04,792
Nigga, I rolled the window down,
"Nigga,
259
00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:07,291
you ain't gonna never
be shit!
260
00:12:08,583 --> 00:12:11,583
Onward, Charles.
Onward."
261
00:12:11,583 --> 00:12:13,792
You don't tell no kid
they ain't gonna be shit
262
00:12:13,792 --> 00:12:16,583
even if they ain't
gonna be shit.
263
00:12:16,583 --> 00:12:19,333
Now we on this election cycle
again, nigga.
264
00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:21,959
- Oh, right?
-And Trump motherfucker--
265
00:12:21,959 --> 00:12:23,667
Nigga...
266
00:12:23,667 --> 00:12:25,709
this motherfucker...
267
00:12:25,709 --> 00:12:27,834
-Trump untouchable, nigga.
- Yup.
268
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:29,417
They did this
Mueller Report shit.
269
00:12:29,417 --> 00:12:31,917
What did that take?
Two, three fucking years, nigga?
270
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:34,208
FBI can't get him.
CIA can't get him.
271
00:12:34,208 --> 00:12:37,417
Nigga, this nigga--
God, we need ya.
272
00:12:37,417 --> 00:12:39,458
-You gonna have to come down
273
00:12:39,458 --> 00:12:41,458
and get this
orange motherfucker.
274
00:12:41,458 --> 00:12:43,709
The Sunny D is untouchable...
275
00:12:45,959 --> 00:12:48,166
and I don't like the Democrats.
Don't get it twisted.
276
00:12:48,166 --> 00:12:50,959
Democrats to me
is some pussy motherfuckers.
277
00:12:50,959 --> 00:12:53,458
All they do is motherfucking
apologize every day.
278
00:12:53,458 --> 00:12:56,834
"I wanna apologize for 1972."
279
00:12:56,834 --> 00:13:00,041
Biden apologizing
for touching a bitch's shoulder.
280
00:13:00,041 --> 00:13:02,417
Now I wanna know
who this bitch is
281
00:13:02,417 --> 00:13:04,125
that a motherfucker
touch your shoulder,
282
00:13:04,125 --> 00:13:08,208
you think you getting raped.
Bitch, you ain't had dick ever.
283
00:13:08,208 --> 00:13:09,458
You should've thanked that man
284
00:13:09,458 --> 00:13:11,333
for the fucking shoulder
massage.
285
00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:14,417
Trump don't apologize for shit.
You gotta respect this gangsta.
286
00:13:14,417 --> 00:13:15,875
- Got to.
-You understand?
287
00:13:15,875 --> 00:13:18,709
That motherfucker
nuts be dragging the ground
288
00:13:18,709 --> 00:13:21,750
leaving orange juice trails.
289
00:13:21,750 --> 00:13:23,917
"Trump, did you grab the pussy?"
290
00:13:23,917 --> 00:13:26,208
"I'm gonna grab
another one tonight.
291
00:13:26,208 --> 00:13:28,875
I invited Tiger Woods
over to the White House
292
00:13:28,875 --> 00:13:30,875
and we just
grabbing pussy together.
293
00:13:30,875 --> 00:13:33,792
I mean, I'm gonna
give him an award."
294
00:13:33,792 --> 00:13:36,625
Trump don't give a fuck,
that racist motherfucker.
295
00:13:36,625 --> 00:13:38,875
I don't like this motherfucker,
man, 'cause...
296
00:13:38,875 --> 00:13:41,166
he want all niggas in jail
or dead.
297
00:13:41,166 --> 00:13:44,500
He don't want no Mexicans
in this country whatsoever.
298
00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:47,291
Paco, I'm here to tell you,
don't go nowhere.
299
00:13:47,291 --> 00:13:50,333
Stay, nigga, we need you.
300
00:13:50,333 --> 00:13:51,709
Hell, motherfucking, yeah.
301
00:13:51,709 --> 00:13:53,000
They trying to turn
back the clock, y'all.
302
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,834
- You got that right.
-Beware.
303
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,041
'Cause the Trump Show is just
what it's always been,
304
00:13:57,041 --> 00:13:58,667
-a reality show.
- Exactly.
305
00:13:58,667 --> 00:14:00,208
That's just to keep
your ass busy, nigga.
306
00:14:00,208 --> 00:14:03,208
He do so much shit every day
it tires you out.
307
00:14:03,208 --> 00:14:06,625
You wake up in the morning,
he done did some shit already.
308
00:14:06,625 --> 00:14:08,375
You go to work,
by the time you get home,
309
00:14:08,375 --> 00:14:11,458
"What?
The nigga did all that today?!"
310
00:14:11,458 --> 00:14:13,917
Nigga,
if Obama did five of the things
311
00:14:13,917 --> 00:14:15,667
this motherfucker
pulled off every day,
312
00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:17,709
they'd have hung that nigga
on national TV
313
00:14:17,709 --> 00:14:19,667
and charged you to see it.
314
00:14:19,667 --> 00:14:22,083
You know how hard it was
to be that nigga?
315
00:14:22,083 --> 00:14:23,917
A nigga that clean?
This nigga didn't have
316
00:14:23,917 --> 00:14:27,667
one...motherfucking...blemish.
317
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,625
Nigga, you know how hard
it is for a nigga
318
00:14:29,625 --> 00:14:31,834
not to do something?
319
00:14:31,834 --> 00:14:34,500
Nigga, I'm gonna fuck up
in about 15 minutes.
320
00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:37,125
Just keep watching.
321
00:14:37,125 --> 00:14:38,875
- And he's from Chicago!
-Yeah, shit!
322
00:14:38,875 --> 00:14:41,041
I'm from Kansas City, Missouri,
nigga.
323
00:14:43,417 --> 00:14:45,417
Yeah, Obama from Chicago,
but if you listen
324
00:14:45,417 --> 00:14:48,750
to white people, he's from
Nigeria or somewhere over there.
325
00:14:48,750 --> 00:14:51,041
Uganda and "Du-bu-ja-ba-ga."
326
00:14:52,917 --> 00:14:56,041
Trump motherfucking ass, nigga.
This motherfucker...
327
00:14:56,041 --> 00:14:57,917
but it's all right, nigga.
328
00:14:57,917 --> 00:14:59,583
Y'all trying to turn
back the clock, white people.
329
00:14:59,583 --> 00:15:03,291
I'm hip to you.
I ain't going.
330
00:15:03,291 --> 00:15:05,083
I want you motherfucking
white people in here
331
00:15:05,083 --> 00:15:07,375
to look around at the niggas
sitting close to you.
332
00:15:07,375 --> 00:15:10,250
We ain't our
father's father's father.
333
00:15:10,250 --> 00:15:12,250
-You ain't gonna never hear,
334
00:15:12,250 --> 00:15:14,083
"Yessum?"
335
00:15:14,083 --> 00:15:16,625
Nigga, I'm going to hell
or jail, you pick which one.
336
00:15:18,583 --> 00:15:21,458
-For real, though.
337
00:15:21,458 --> 00:15:23,792
I couldn't have been
no slave, man.
338
00:15:23,792 --> 00:15:26,208
Master would've killed me
in five minutes.
339
00:15:27,834 --> 00:15:29,625
With this mouthpiece?
Nigga, shit.
340
00:15:29,625 --> 00:15:31,792
"Kill that damn nigger!
341
00:15:31,792 --> 00:15:35,208
Put that smart nigger down!
342
00:15:35,208 --> 00:15:38,375
Put him down!
He keeps talking!
343
00:15:38,375 --> 00:15:40,458
He's riling up the rest of 'em!
344
00:15:41,792 --> 00:15:44,959
Put him down!"
345
00:15:44,959 --> 00:15:46,959
'Cause they always say
we come from slaves.
346
00:15:46,959 --> 00:15:48,542
Nigga, we don't come
from no motherfucking slaves.
347
00:15:48,542 --> 00:15:51,542
We come from kings and queens.
You understand me?
348
00:15:51,542 --> 00:15:54,000
-They act like our history
349
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:57,125
started at Roots, nigga.
I seen Roots.
350
00:15:57,125 --> 00:15:59,375
I didn't like
that motherfucking film, man.
351
00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:01,834
In the movie they always had us
picking cotton
352
00:16:01,834 --> 00:16:04,500
in the hot sun singing
like it's a happy thing.
353
00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:07,166
♪ Lord, Jesus ♪
354
00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:09,750
♪ Lord, Lord Jesus ♪
355
00:16:09,750 --> 00:16:12,250
-Nigga, run!
356
00:16:12,250 --> 00:16:15,750
They gonna kill your ass anyway!
Make a run for it, nigga!
357
00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:19,500
Nigga, I'd have took off
every day. Pow!
358
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:21,500
And you know, back then, nigga,
when you ran,
359
00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:24,000
if they caught you,
they would cut something off.
360
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,041
I'd have did it so many times
I'd have been
361
00:16:26,041 --> 00:16:29,709
a head and a torso.
Still trying to get away!
362
00:16:33,333 --> 00:16:36,041
"Hey, nigga, there go Worm.
Nigga, there go little Worm.
363
00:16:36,041 --> 00:16:39,000
That nigga Worm at it again,
nigga."
364
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,125
Nigga, I'd have came back.
They'd have caught my ass
365
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:45,208
no arms, no legs.
"Hey, what you gonna do, Eddie?
366
00:16:45,208 --> 00:16:46,583
He took your arms
and your legs."
367
00:16:46,583 --> 00:16:49,041
-"I still got my dick."
368
00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:51,208
Life is always good
with a dick.
369
00:16:51,208 --> 00:16:52,959
"Shit,
I can still get some pussy.
370
00:16:52,959 --> 00:16:55,041
It's all right with me."
"Nigga, how--how you fuck?"
371
00:16:55,041 --> 00:16:57,458
"I tell the bitches,
'Pull me up in you.
372
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,542
Spin me, bitch.
Spin me.'"
373
00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:03,750
"What do they call you?"
"They call me Pogo Stick."
374
00:17:14,750 --> 00:17:17,166
Don't worry about it,
white folks, your time's coming.
375
00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:19,250
-Oh, yeah.
376
00:17:19,250 --> 00:17:21,875
If karma has any kind of
validity in reality--
377
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:24,875
and it does,
the law of karma says what?
378
00:17:24,875 --> 00:17:26,917
-"What goes around..."
- "Comes around."
379
00:17:26,917 --> 00:17:28,709
I can't hear you,
motherfuckers.
380
00:17:28,709 --> 00:17:31,709
-"What goes around..."
- "Comes around."
381
00:17:31,709 --> 00:17:35,417
"Sally...Scott...Jill...
382
00:17:35,417 --> 00:17:38,500
it's going down.
I'm telling you.
383
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:41,291
You're gonna have
a real good time when I own you.
384
00:17:42,917 --> 00:17:44,917
I'm gonna treat you right,
Bob, Jill.
385
00:17:44,917 --> 00:17:48,458
I'm gonna let you pick cotton
at night.
386
00:17:48,458 --> 00:17:51,291
That way your skin
don't burn up.
387
00:17:51,291 --> 00:17:54,083
I'm only gonna beat you
on Thursdays at 7:30.
388
00:17:54,083 --> 00:17:57,041
-I got shit to do.
389
00:17:57,041 --> 00:17:59,208
And it's gonna be
a whole lot of light-skinned,
390
00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:02,333
Morris Day--Day Prince-looking
motherfucking kids
391
00:18:02,333 --> 00:18:04,750
-on my plantation.
392
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:08,041
Sally,
you gonna get it!
393
00:18:13,917 --> 00:18:15,959
She gonna come out the barn
every damn morning,
394
00:18:15,959 --> 00:18:19,166
"That nigger wouldn't stop!"
395
00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:22,625
"Sally, what are you gonna do?
He fucks you every night.
396
00:18:22,625 --> 00:18:24,583
What are you gonna do about it?"
397
00:18:24,583 --> 00:18:26,458
"I'm gonna move in.
I love him."
398
00:18:29,583 --> 00:18:31,875
White people, I don't think--
You couldn't have been a slave.
399
00:18:31,875 --> 00:18:35,166
- I don't know.
-Y'all too soft.
400
00:18:35,166 --> 00:18:36,750
Look,
he got that face like,
401
00:18:36,750 --> 00:18:39,166
"Whatever,
nigga, we could've did it."
402
00:18:39,166 --> 00:18:42,000
You can barely take five minutes
of me talking shit
403
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,792
right now without turning red
404
00:18:43,792 --> 00:18:46,875
-let alone me fucking your wife.
405
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:50,291
I think all the black slave
owners would be on they porch,
406
00:18:50,291 --> 00:18:52,000
"Eh, let 'em go.
407
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:55,166
No, let all of 'em go.
They ain't worth a damn.
408
00:18:55,166 --> 00:18:58,667
Shit, I got 100 white slaves,
I ain't got a bushel of cotton
409
00:18:58,667 --> 00:19:00,375
out these motherfuckers yet.
410
00:19:00,375 --> 00:19:02,291
All they do is lay
on the ground, burn up on you,
411
00:19:02,291 --> 00:19:04,500
and bitch all the time!
And then when you put 'em
412
00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:07,000
in the sun you gotta
grease 'em down first.
413
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,458
And that sun tan lotion
ain't cheap shit!
414
00:19:09,458 --> 00:19:11,166
These motherfuckers
ain't cost effective.
415
00:19:11,166 --> 00:19:13,458
They bad for business.
I tell you what,
416
00:19:13,458 --> 00:19:16,166
I'll sell you
all 100 of my white slaves,
417
00:19:16,166 --> 00:19:18,375
-for one Mexican."
418
00:19:18,375 --> 00:19:20,333
Fuck y'all.
One Mexican will pick like
419
00:19:20,333 --> 00:19:23,667
a thousand niggas,
but they hard to catch.
420
00:19:23,667 --> 00:19:26,875
Yeah, they go underground.
All y'all been trying to catch
421
00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:29,375
Paco for three years!
422
00:19:29,375 --> 00:19:33,709
I know he down there
with that gold necklace on.
423
00:19:33,709 --> 00:19:36,000
I can hear him in the distance
late at night,
424
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,542
"Hey, holmes..."
425
00:19:38,542 --> 00:19:40,792
Y'all need us, white people.
426
00:19:40,792 --> 00:19:43,458
You don't wanna
get rid of me, Ned.
427
00:19:43,458 --> 00:19:47,000
-You need me.
428
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,375
White people need us.
I mean, who you gonna have
429
00:19:49,375 --> 00:19:51,709
to blame your ineptitude on
if I ain't here?
430
00:19:51,709 --> 00:19:54,333
See, white people need us
so they can point the finger.
431
00:19:54,333 --> 00:19:57,583
"Why you ain't shit, Ned?"
"'Cause of niggers.
432
00:19:57,583 --> 00:20:00,291
Niggers is the only reason
I ain't got something
433
00:20:00,291 --> 00:20:03,041
and the Mexicans
are taking all our jobs."
434
00:20:03,041 --> 00:20:04,417
"I didn't know you wanted
to leaf blow.
435
00:20:04,417 --> 00:20:06,041
How the fuck
they taking your jobs?"
436
00:20:06,041 --> 00:20:09,458
Hey, the Mexicans
ain't taking your jobs, nigga.
437
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:10,834
Technology is.
438
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:13,083
Robots took everybody
goddamn job.
439
00:20:13,083 --> 00:20:15,500
You used to have a factory job.
You worked with your hands.
440
00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:18,417
Now a robot can do that shit.
They don't need us.
441
00:20:18,417 --> 00:20:20,583
It ain't just you, Ned.
442
00:20:20,583 --> 00:20:23,750
-We're all unemployed.
443
00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:28,834
Everybody sick
of a goddamn robot, nigga.
444
00:20:28,834 --> 00:20:31,959
You ain't gotta provide
healthcare for no fucking robot.
445
00:20:31,959 --> 00:20:33,375
And I'm sick of these
motherfuckers saying
446
00:20:33,375 --> 00:20:35,083
black people using up
all the healthcare.
447
00:20:35,083 --> 00:20:37,917
No, we ain't!
We only 12% of the population.
448
00:20:37,917 --> 00:20:40,709
And niggas don't go
to the hospital.
449
00:20:40,709 --> 00:20:44,583
We just sick.
We can't afford it, nigga.
450
00:20:44,583 --> 00:20:46,792
And we don't trust doctors.
You go in a hospital,
451
00:20:46,792 --> 00:20:48,542
I don't trust
that motherfucker.
452
00:20:48,542 --> 00:20:50,500
"What's in that needle?
453
00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,000
'Cause, you know,
they trying to kill us, nigga.
454
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,333
I ain't taking shit."
455
00:20:54,333 --> 00:20:56,750
-People are crazy, man.
- Preach!
456
00:20:56,750 --> 00:20:58,709
I don't preach,
I teach.
457
00:21:02,333 --> 00:21:03,458
Hell, yeah,
you want a preacher,
458
00:21:03,458 --> 00:21:05,542
you know where to find him
every Sunday.
459
00:21:07,291 --> 00:21:09,333
Nigga, you remember
them motherfucker--
460
00:21:09,333 --> 00:21:11,667
They came and shot
up the black church?
461
00:21:11,667 --> 00:21:13,458
They can only pull that
with black people.
462
00:21:13,458 --> 00:21:15,083
You know,
we catch on quick.
463
00:21:15,083 --> 00:21:17,458
You know, I been to
a black church lately, nigga--
464
00:21:17,458 --> 00:21:19,834
nigga, they got guns
in church now.
465
00:21:19,834 --> 00:21:21,792
And black churches,
when everybody get in there,
466
00:21:21,792 --> 00:21:24,458
they lock the doors,
you understand me?
467
00:21:24,458 --> 00:21:26,125
Motherfucker gotta knock
to get into church.
468
00:21:28,125 --> 00:21:31,125
"Hi, I was trying to, uh,
come and praise,
469
00:21:31,125 --> 00:21:33,291
uh, Christ."
470
00:21:33,291 --> 00:21:34,792
That's when the nigga
behind the door,
471
00:21:34,792 --> 00:21:36,667
"No, no, we don't
praise Christ here,
472
00:21:36,667 --> 00:21:38,667
we praise the Lord."
473
00:21:38,667 --> 00:21:41,166
See, this code word, see?
White people say "Christ."
474
00:21:41,166 --> 00:21:45,166
Niggas, we going to see
the Lord.
475
00:21:45,166 --> 00:21:46,333
Hell, yeah, nigga.
Shit.
476
00:21:46,333 --> 00:21:48,083
White people been
killing up everybody.
477
00:21:48,083 --> 00:21:51,625
-What's going on with y'all?
478
00:21:51,625 --> 00:21:53,750
Just last week they tried to say
it was that brother
479
00:21:53,750 --> 00:21:55,166
that killed the motherfuckers
at their job,
480
00:21:55,166 --> 00:21:56,917
they ain't tricking me.
481
00:21:56,917 --> 00:21:58,959
Nigga, that nigga was dead
already and they said,
482
00:21:58,959 --> 00:22:00,333
"He was the shooter."
483
00:22:00,333 --> 00:22:02,333
'Cause they tired of
the motherfucking story
484
00:22:02,333 --> 00:22:04,333
that the white man
is killing everybody,
485
00:22:04,333 --> 00:22:05,500
So they made
the nigga the shooter.
486
00:22:05,500 --> 00:22:08,500
Why is he already dead?
You understand me?
487
00:22:08,500 --> 00:22:11,041
You know, fuck that.
It was somebody white again.
488
00:22:11,041 --> 00:22:14,333
'Cause if I can think it,
nigga, they did it.
489
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:16,542
White people, what's wrong?
490
00:22:16,542 --> 00:22:18,625
Now I'm making you
my white representative tonight.
491
00:22:18,625 --> 00:22:21,417
You shouldn't have
sat that close!
492
00:22:24,667 --> 00:22:26,917
No, I'm gonna fuck with ya.
I don't give a fuck.
493
00:22:26,917 --> 00:22:28,834
Here's the shit, nigga,
what is wrong?
494
00:22:28,834 --> 00:22:30,375
Can y'all get fired?
495
00:22:30,375 --> 00:22:33,333
White people get fired and go
kill everybody on the job.
496
00:22:33,333 --> 00:22:35,458
Niggas be getting fired
all the time.
497
00:22:35,458 --> 00:22:37,375
We don't go kill nobody.
498
00:22:37,375 --> 00:22:39,041
They come to us,
"Hey, you're fired."
499
00:22:39,041 --> 00:22:41,792
"Get my motherfucking check.
500
00:22:41,792 --> 00:22:44,417
I didn't like this fuck ass job
no goddamn way.
501
00:22:44,417 --> 00:22:46,458
Get me my motherfucking check."
502
00:22:46,458 --> 00:22:47,792
"Oh, we're gonna send
your check in the mail."
503
00:22:47,792 --> 00:22:49,583
"No, motherfucker,
I'm leaving today,
504
00:22:49,583 --> 00:22:52,709
my money leaving when I leave.
Give me my motherfucking check!
505
00:22:52,709 --> 00:22:55,166
No fuck ass shit."
506
00:22:55,166 --> 00:22:57,583
Nigga be on the block later on,
"Hey, Ed, what happened?"
507
00:22:57,583 --> 00:22:59,417
"That motherfucker
told me I'm fired, nigga. Shit.
508
00:22:59,417 --> 00:23:00,875
I cashed this bitch,
got some weed.
509
00:23:00,875 --> 00:23:03,208
Nigga, light it up."
510
00:23:03,208 --> 00:23:06,083
White people get fired,
they nice to white people.
511
00:23:06,083 --> 00:23:08,834
You know, when they fire us,
"You're fired! Get out of here!"
512
00:23:08,834 --> 00:23:10,250
White people get fired?
513
00:23:10,250 --> 00:23:12,250
Nigga, it's a whole different
way of firing.
514
00:23:14,959 --> 00:23:17,250
Ned, ugh...
515
00:23:17,250 --> 00:23:20,250
God, I don't even know
how to tell you this.
516
00:23:20,250 --> 00:23:22,250
Oh, fuck.
517
00:23:22,250 --> 00:23:24,792
I hate doing this, man.
518
00:23:24,792 --> 00:23:27,959
I mean, it's not me.
It's coming from upstairs.
519
00:23:29,208 --> 00:23:31,250
I gotta let you go, Ned."
520
00:23:31,250 --> 00:23:33,583
"You're gonna fucking
let me go?
521
00:23:33,583 --> 00:23:35,750
Is this
some kind of fucking joke?
522
00:23:35,750 --> 00:23:38,417
I been working here
27 fucking years.
523
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:39,959
You're gonna tell me
I'm fucking fired?
524
00:23:39,959 --> 00:23:41,500
Is this--that how this
fucking goes, man?
525
00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:43,625
I got a fucking mortgage,
I got a wife,
526
00:23:43,625 --> 00:23:45,458
I got four kids,
and a dog named Petie.
527
00:23:45,458 --> 00:23:46,875
You're telling me
I'm fucking fired?
528
00:23:46,875 --> 00:23:49,709
I'm fucking fired?!
I'm fucking fired."
529
00:23:49,709 --> 00:23:51,500
-That's right!
530
00:23:51,500 --> 00:23:53,333
They should know, nigga!
"I'm fucking fired?!"
531
00:23:53,333 --> 00:23:56,375
They should know, run, nigga!
532
00:23:56,375 --> 00:23:58,125
"I'm fired?
Okay!"
533
00:23:58,125 --> 00:24:01,166
You see that motherfucker
come to work the next day,
534
00:24:01,166 --> 00:24:04,083
suit on, briefcase.
535
00:24:04,083 --> 00:24:06,333
"How's it going?
Hey!
536
00:24:06,333 --> 00:24:09,166
Fucking--It's fucking Ned.
Ha ha ha.
537
00:24:09,166 --> 00:24:11,166
Yeah, ha ha ha.
538
00:24:11,166 --> 00:24:14,000
Yeah,
ha ha ha."
539
00:24:16,583 --> 00:24:19,917
Niggas--Niggas never get shot
on the job, nigga,
540
00:24:19,917 --> 00:24:21,291
when that shit goes down
541
00:24:21,291 --> 00:24:23,500
'cause we aware of our
surroundings.
542
00:24:23,500 --> 00:24:27,041
That motherfucker Ned
come back the next day...
543
00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:30,333
niggas be on
the motherfucking job,
544
00:24:30,333 --> 00:24:32,959
-"Ain't that Ned?
545
00:24:32,959 --> 00:24:36,041
Didn't they fire
that motherfucker yesterday?
546
00:24:36,041 --> 00:24:39,500
Shit, it's time to take
a long lunch."
547
00:24:39,500 --> 00:24:41,583
They be outside,
548
00:24:41,583 --> 00:24:46,166
"I told you!
He killing everybody!"
549
00:24:46,166 --> 00:24:48,208
White people,
y'all are just the opposite.
550
00:24:48,208 --> 00:24:50,333
Y'all too fucking nosey.
551
00:24:50,333 --> 00:24:52,333
I think that's why y'all got
the pointy nose.
552
00:24:52,333 --> 00:24:54,041
You're nosey!
553
00:24:54,041 --> 00:24:57,667
Ned come back the next day,
y'all motherfuckers be like,
554
00:24:57,667 --> 00:25:00,667
-"God, that's--that's Ned.
555
00:25:00,667 --> 00:25:05,583
Shit, he looks distraught.
Fuck, man, hard way to go.
556
00:25:05,583 --> 00:25:07,875
Come on,
let's go try to cheer him up."
557
00:25:12,583 --> 00:25:15,625
Nigga, when niggas leave,
come with us.
558
00:25:15,625 --> 00:25:18,417
We know something.
559
00:25:18,417 --> 00:25:20,250
We got street spider senses.
560
00:25:20,250 --> 00:25:22,250
You know, that's from
being on the block, nigga.
561
00:25:22,250 --> 00:25:25,875
We be like, "They about to kill
that nigga Earl."
562
00:25:25,875 --> 00:25:29,041
Nigga, we be at the club, nigga.
Dancing like a motherfucker.
563
00:25:29,041 --> 00:25:32,041
"Oh, these niggas about to shoot
this motherfucker up, nigga."
564
00:25:32,041 --> 00:25:34,041
We don't stop dancing,
though.
565
00:25:37,375 --> 00:25:41,291
I talk about you, white people,
because I care.
566
00:25:41,291 --> 00:25:42,917
I'm trying to help you.
567
00:25:42,917 --> 00:25:46,250
Y'all do shit
that no other culture does.
568
00:25:46,250 --> 00:25:50,083
Goddamnit, this is the, uh,
white people getting chewed up
569
00:25:50,083 --> 00:25:51,917
by shark season.
570
00:25:51,917 --> 00:25:54,166
I'm 52 years old.
All the years I've been
571
00:25:54,166 --> 00:25:56,959
on this earth y'all keep
getting chewed up by sharks.
572
00:25:56,959 --> 00:25:59,041
When the fuck y'all gonna learn?
573
00:25:59,041 --> 00:26:01,583
Why do y'all go out that far?
574
00:26:01,583 --> 00:26:04,750
-That's where they at.
575
00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:07,250
You ain't heard of a chewed up
nigga nowhere on earth.
576
00:26:07,250 --> 00:26:09,625
We go waist high.
577
00:26:09,625 --> 00:26:11,625
Y'all seen us at the beach
splashing around,
578
00:26:11,625 --> 00:26:13,834
make it look like
we doing some shit.
579
00:26:13,834 --> 00:26:17,250
Nigga feels some seaweed.
"There's something!
580
00:26:17,250 --> 00:26:19,208
Yo, kids,
get out that water!"
581
00:26:19,208 --> 00:26:21,375
We won't even go get the kids.
"Do what Daddy taught you!
582
00:26:21,375 --> 00:26:25,500
-Swim, nigga!"
583
00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:27,542
Nigga jump out dry.
Nigga...
584
00:26:30,125 --> 00:26:31,959
I joke around, man.
Love who you love.
585
00:26:31,959 --> 00:26:33,250
You understand me?
586
00:26:33,250 --> 00:26:34,959
I see interracial couples
in here, nigga.
587
00:26:34,959 --> 00:26:37,625
And, you know, you're with
your white woman tonight,
588
00:26:37,625 --> 00:26:40,750
-you're taking a chance.
589
00:26:40,750 --> 00:26:42,625
That's all I'm saying.
590
00:26:42,625 --> 00:26:45,625
Love who you love,
but, nigga, you taking a chance.
591
00:26:45,625 --> 00:26:48,041
She got that phone call
she can make, man.
592
00:26:48,041 --> 00:26:49,625
All she gotta do is,
9-1-1.
593
00:26:49,625 --> 00:26:51,959
"He's raping me."
Nigga, you going to jail.
594
00:26:51,959 --> 00:26:54,125
Who you think
they gonna believe, nigga?
595
00:26:54,125 --> 00:26:57,083
I ain't fucking around.
"Sally, you're safe with him."
596
00:26:57,083 --> 00:26:59,792
-But love who you love, man.
597
00:26:59,792 --> 00:27:01,291
You know how hard it is
for y'all to be
598
00:27:01,291 --> 00:27:02,959
in an interracial relationship?
599
00:27:02,959 --> 00:27:05,834
Y'all was probably tortured
on the way in this room.
600
00:27:05,834 --> 00:27:07,834
'Cause motherfuckers
be talking shit.
601
00:27:07,834 --> 00:27:09,834
Sisters cold, nigga.
"Look at that nigga
602
00:27:09,834 --> 00:27:12,125
-with that white bitch.
603
00:27:12,125 --> 00:27:14,625
Couldn't handle us, huh,
nigga?
604
00:27:14,625 --> 00:27:17,542
Had to go get you
a snow bunny, nigga.
605
00:27:17,542 --> 00:27:20,208
Probably little dick,
motherfucker.
606
00:27:20,208 --> 00:27:22,750
We didn't want your black ass
no way."
607
00:27:22,750 --> 00:27:24,291
Leroy be walking with Sally,
608
00:27:24,291 --> 00:27:28,041
"Sally, come on,
they're gonna kill us."
609
00:27:28,041 --> 00:27:29,834
Brothers, we the same way.
610
00:27:29,834 --> 00:27:32,500
We see a sista with a
white dude, we go the fuck off.
611
00:27:32,500 --> 00:27:35,208
"Get your money, bitch.
612
00:27:35,208 --> 00:27:36,709
Get your money, bitch.
613
00:27:36,709 --> 00:27:38,417
Yeah, you couldn't handle
that anaconda, huh?
614
00:27:38,417 --> 00:27:40,500
Get your money, bitch."
615
00:27:40,500 --> 00:27:42,625
Sista be like, "What?!"
"I was just saying something."
616
00:27:44,959 --> 00:27:46,875
Hell, motherfucker, yeah.
Love who you love, man,
617
00:27:46,875 --> 00:27:48,291
but that's some rough shit,
nigga.
618
00:27:48,291 --> 00:27:51,709
You in a--a fucking relationship
just, you know,
619
00:27:51,709 --> 00:27:55,166
white and black,
Leroy and Sally...
620
00:27:55,166 --> 00:27:58,542
Sally, you got it rough.
You better really love Leroy
621
00:27:58,542 --> 00:28:01,458
'cause that's the only nigga
you gonna have.
622
00:28:01,458 --> 00:28:04,834
'Cause, nigga, white families
kick y'all out the family.
623
00:28:04,834 --> 00:28:07,542
Man, white families cold.
"Get your ass out
624
00:28:07,542 --> 00:28:09,750
the goddamn family, Sally.
625
00:28:09,750 --> 00:28:13,417
Bringing that jiggaboo
to my goddamn home.
626
00:28:13,417 --> 00:28:15,333
He ain't coming in here!
627
00:28:15,333 --> 00:28:17,542
What am I supposed to cook?
Some fucking fried chicken?
628
00:28:17,542 --> 00:28:20,709
I ain't cooking
no fucking fried chicken!
629
00:28:20,709 --> 00:28:23,542
You out of the family!
You're out of the fucking will!
630
00:28:23,542 --> 00:28:25,959
Get your fucking cunt, whore,
bitch ass...
631
00:28:28,083 --> 00:28:30,625
Sally leave the house,
" Goddamn, Leroy,
632
00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:32,917
you're all I have."
633
00:28:32,917 --> 00:28:36,750
Leroy trying to you--
take her to his mama house.
634
00:28:36,750 --> 00:28:38,417
You already know sistas,
"You ain't bringing
635
00:28:38,417 --> 00:28:39,917
that white bitch in here.
636
00:28:39,917 --> 00:28:42,625
You ain't bringing that
white bitch in my house, Leroy.
637
00:28:42,625 --> 00:28:44,667
I taught you
better than this, nigga.
638
00:28:44,667 --> 00:28:46,250
What am I supposed to cook?
Quiche?
639
00:28:46,250 --> 00:28:49,291
I don't cook no goddamn quiche.
640
00:28:49,291 --> 00:28:52,250
Get your black ass outta here
with that snow bunny, nigga.
641
00:28:52,250 --> 00:28:54,291
You can't
come in this goddamn house
642
00:28:54,291 --> 00:28:55,917
till you get a bitch
with cornrows.
643
00:28:57,792 --> 00:29:00,917
Leroy leave the house,
"You're all I got, Sally."
644
00:29:00,917 --> 00:29:03,917
And they wander
the earth together, nigga.
645
00:29:05,417 --> 00:29:06,959
That's why you see them
walk like that.
646
00:29:06,959 --> 00:29:09,083
They all alone just...
647
00:29:12,625 --> 00:29:14,792
Hell, yeah, the two
most racist motherfuckers
648
00:29:14,792 --> 00:29:16,709
on earth is a white man
649
00:29:16,709 --> 00:29:20,083
and a black woman,
you understand me?
650
00:29:20,083 --> 00:29:22,834
Yeah, a white man don't give
a fuck, sista don't give a fuck.
651
00:29:22,834 --> 00:29:25,625
The only cure
for that kind of relationship
652
00:29:25,625 --> 00:29:27,792
is when they have a baby.
653
00:29:27,792 --> 00:29:30,041
-Y'all had a baby yet?
-We got two.
654
00:29:30,041 --> 00:29:31,417
-You got two?
- Yeah!
655
00:29:31,417 --> 00:29:34,000
-See, you're back in the family.
656
00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:36,583
'Cause only the babies
can cure that racism.
657
00:29:36,583 --> 00:29:39,959
You bring that baby over
to their sister's house...
658
00:29:44,250 --> 00:29:46,792
"This my grandbaby?
659
00:29:46,792 --> 00:29:48,583
Lord...
660
00:29:48,583 --> 00:29:51,625
-he got that good hair.
661
00:29:51,625 --> 00:29:55,000
He got the skin to win, too.
662
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:58,750
Sally, come on in here, girl.
I was just bullshitting.
663
00:29:58,750 --> 00:30:00,875
Yeah, I went on
that Food Network.
664
00:30:00,875 --> 00:30:02,667
I learned how to make
that quiche.
665
00:30:02,667 --> 00:30:03,834
Come on in here."
666
00:30:03,834 --> 00:30:07,041
You take them over
to that redneck house...
667
00:30:12,875 --> 00:30:15,667
"This my goddamn grandson?
668
00:30:15,667 --> 00:30:20,166
God damn...little fucker's
got a permanent tan.
669
00:30:20,166 --> 00:30:22,709
I mean, look at the size
of the balls on this fucker.
670
00:30:22,709 --> 00:30:25,000
-Whoo!
671
00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:27,917
Look at how big his hands are!
We're going to the NFL.
672
00:30:38,709 --> 00:30:41,500
Love who you love, man.
Shit.
673
00:30:41,500 --> 00:30:43,750
My wife's Korean, nigga.
Shit.
674
00:30:43,750 --> 00:30:46,083
I'm sleeping with the enemy.
675
00:30:46,083 --> 00:30:48,417
I'm dating Kim Yum Yum's
motherfucking sister.
676
00:30:48,417 --> 00:30:51,208
-Little sister's looking at me
677
00:30:51,208 --> 00:30:53,250
like, "Nigga, what you doing
with that Korean chick?"
678
00:30:53,250 --> 00:30:55,792
I was married to three of y'all.
Y'all had a chance, shit.
679
00:30:57,542 --> 00:31:01,291
Now I got
ten beautiful children.
680
00:31:01,291 --> 00:31:02,875
-Yeah, thank you.
681
00:31:02,875 --> 00:31:05,291
-That's a blessing.
682
00:31:05,291 --> 00:31:08,458
Niggas looking at me like,
"Damn, ten, nigga?"
683
00:31:08,458 --> 00:31:11,709
Don't judge my motherfucking
ability to take care of my kids
684
00:31:11,709 --> 00:31:13,625
-by your wallet.
685
00:31:13,625 --> 00:31:16,333
All ten of mine
finer than a motherfucker
686
00:31:16,333 --> 00:31:18,083
and most of 'em grown,
anyway.
687
00:31:18,083 --> 00:31:19,625
Nigga, I just got
my four youngest with me.
688
00:31:19,625 --> 00:31:22,291
The rest of the first crop--
I call the first crop, gone.
689
00:31:23,667 --> 00:31:26,709
-You know, my oldest is 33.
690
00:31:26,709 --> 00:31:28,917
-My youngest is five.
691
00:31:28,917 --> 00:31:31,125
Hell, yeah,
and I got my first grandson
692
00:31:31,125 --> 00:31:33,750
-and he five.
693
00:31:33,750 --> 00:31:36,375
Nigga,
they go to school together.
694
00:31:38,208 --> 00:31:40,750
Only in a black family.
695
00:31:40,750 --> 00:31:42,875
Hey, you know
the greatest joy of my life
696
00:31:42,875 --> 00:31:44,792
outside of seeing smiles
on y'all face
697
00:31:44,792 --> 00:31:46,750
doing this job
that I love to death?
698
00:31:46,750 --> 00:31:50,542
Is watching my youngest son
and my grandson hang out.
699
00:31:50,542 --> 00:31:52,166
You know, I tour
on the weekends, man,
700
00:31:52,166 --> 00:31:54,166
so Sunday's our day.
I call Junior up,
701
00:31:54,166 --> 00:31:56,083
"Junior,
bring my grandson over, man."
702
00:31:56,083 --> 00:31:58,208
So, they sitting there.
I'm trying to teach 'em
703
00:31:58,208 --> 00:32:00,291
how to shoot pool.
You know, Kansas City, Missouri,
704
00:32:00,291 --> 00:32:01,875
you know, there's a lot
of pool halls.
705
00:32:01,875 --> 00:32:03,291
So, we shoot pool back home.
So I'm like,
706
00:32:03,291 --> 00:32:05,417
"Nigga, you gotta get the angle
and the dangle, nigga."
707
00:32:05,417 --> 00:32:07,291
They ain't paying
no attention to me.
708
00:32:07,291 --> 00:32:09,083
Just listening to them
two little niggas talk
709
00:32:09,083 --> 00:32:10,959
be killing me.
"Hey, nephew, come here.
710
00:32:10,959 --> 00:32:15,000
-Let me holla at you.
711
00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:17,417
Your teacher
came and talked to me...
712
00:32:17,417 --> 00:32:19,208
again today.
713
00:32:19,208 --> 00:32:21,792
Yeah,
'cause I'm your uncle.
714
00:32:21,792 --> 00:32:24,959
She told me that you
shit on yourself again.
715
00:32:24,959 --> 00:32:27,208
No, no, no, nigga,
I was out of pull-ups
716
00:32:27,208 --> 00:32:29,125
at age two,
you know what I mean?
717
00:32:29,125 --> 00:32:32,583
You're making the Griffin family
look bad shitting on yourself.
718
00:32:32,583 --> 00:32:34,333
And that little Asian chick
in the corner
719
00:32:34,333 --> 00:32:36,667
with the wooden blocks
with the little letters on it?
720
00:32:36,667 --> 00:32:38,709
That's me, nigga, back up."
721
00:32:38,709 --> 00:32:41,250
Nigga, my grandson's,
"Yeah, uh...
722
00:32:41,250 --> 00:32:44,792
if she was yours,
she wouldn't be hollering."
723
00:32:44,792 --> 00:32:47,333
I said,
"Look at this little player!"
724
00:32:47,333 --> 00:32:50,834
Nigga, my grandson
is half Mexican, half black.
725
00:32:50,834 --> 00:32:52,583
Yeah, my son married a Mexican
lady, nigga.
726
00:32:52,583 --> 00:32:56,000
I call him
my little "Mexi-nigga."
727
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:58,500
When he comes by I make him
tacos with collard greens.
728
00:33:00,667 --> 00:33:03,542
Burritos
with mac and cheese in it.
729
00:33:03,542 --> 00:33:07,250
You know, just so he get
both sides of his culture.
730
00:33:07,250 --> 00:33:08,667
And he be trying to teach
me Spanish, you know?
731
00:33:08,667 --> 00:33:10,041
He call me "Pa-paw."
"Pa-paw..."
732
00:33:10,041 --> 00:33:12,166
'Cause he used
to say "granddad," I'm like,
733
00:33:12,166 --> 00:33:14,041
"Hey, nigga, I ain't that old.
734
00:33:14,041 --> 00:33:16,417
I look too good to be granddad.
735
00:33:16,417 --> 00:33:18,458
Wait till I get old
and 'raggley.'"
736
00:33:18,458 --> 00:33:20,583
I said, "It's Pa-paw.
Like, Pa-paw."
737
00:33:20,583 --> 00:33:22,500
He say,
"Pa-paw, que pasa?
738
00:33:22,500 --> 00:33:26,250
I said, "No, uh...
that's at your mama's house.
739
00:33:26,250 --> 00:33:28,250
It's, 'What up, nigga?'
over here.
740
00:33:28,250 --> 00:33:30,583
Try that.
'What up, nigga?'"
741
00:33:33,041 --> 00:33:36,375
My oldest daughter, nigga,
just turned 17.
742
00:33:36,375 --> 00:33:38,125
And, yeah,
it's that season, nigga.
743
00:33:38,125 --> 00:33:40,542
I just bought two more guns.
744
00:33:40,542 --> 00:33:42,834
'Cause this is when the little
"ignit" motherfuckers
745
00:33:42,834 --> 00:33:45,250
start coming by trying to
take 'em on dates.
746
00:33:45,250 --> 00:33:47,875
And them motherfuckers
act like we don't remember
747
00:33:47,875 --> 00:33:49,917
being them,
you know what I mean?
748
00:33:49,917 --> 00:33:51,667
Motherfucker come to the door...
749
00:33:51,667 --> 00:33:54,208
"Hey, uh, Mr. Griffin,
how you doing, man?
750
00:33:54,208 --> 00:33:56,083
Man, I really liked you
in Undercover Brother, man.
751
00:33:56,083 --> 00:33:57,875
That was my joint, man.
Hey, I was wondering
752
00:33:57,875 --> 00:33:59,583
if I could take your daughter
out to the movies?"
753
00:33:59,583 --> 00:34:01,542
"No, nigga."
754
00:34:01,542 --> 00:34:03,709
The one I really don't trust,
he's too nice.
755
00:34:03,709 --> 00:34:05,709
When he too nice,
this is the freak.
756
00:34:05,709 --> 00:34:07,125
You know, this motherfucker
comes to the door,
757
00:34:07,125 --> 00:34:10,000
"Hello, Mr. Griffin.
I was wondering
758
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:12,250
if I could acquire your
daughter's hand in going to--"
759
00:34:12,250 --> 00:34:14,458
I said, "Nigga, get the fuck
away from my--"
760
00:34:14,458 --> 00:34:17,000
He said, "No, really, I'd love
to take her to the movies."
761
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:18,875
I said, "What movie
you talking about seeing?"
762
00:34:18,875 --> 00:34:21,083
This motherfucker told me
the title then I was like,
763
00:34:21,083 --> 00:34:22,500
"Well,
I'm in the Writer's Guild,
764
00:34:22,500 --> 00:34:24,208
Screen Actor's Guild,
Director's Guild,
765
00:34:24,208 --> 00:34:26,083
they send
the movies for me to screen 'em
766
00:34:26,083 --> 00:34:28,250
so I can vote on
who should get the awards.
767
00:34:28,250 --> 00:34:29,834
I just happen
to have that movie.
768
00:34:29,834 --> 00:34:32,375
Come on in!"
I brought that nigga in,
769
00:34:32,375 --> 00:34:33,750
sat him on the couch.
770
00:34:33,750 --> 00:34:35,417
I say,
"Y'all want some popcorn?"
771
00:34:35,417 --> 00:34:37,250
I went in the kitchen.
You know, that microwave shit?
772
00:34:37,250 --> 00:34:39,291
One minute, twenty five seconds.
Pop pop pop pop pop pop.
773
00:34:39,291 --> 00:34:42,125
Threw it on the table, nigga,
and gave both of 'em a Coke.
774
00:34:42,125 --> 00:34:45,291
-I sat right between 'em.
775
00:34:45,291 --> 00:34:46,959
Yeah,
we gonna watch this movie.
776
00:34:46,959 --> 00:34:49,250
My daughter like, "You can't--"
"Shut the fuck up."
777
00:34:49,250 --> 00:34:51,875
"You getting on my nerves."
I said, "Shut the fuck up."
778
00:34:51,875 --> 00:34:54,625
I said, "So, uh, yeah,
what's your name, little fella?
779
00:34:54,625 --> 00:34:58,166
Erik? Ah, yeah.
Hey, Erik, check it out,
780
00:34:58,166 --> 00:35:01,000
what's your intentions,
young man?
781
00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:03,750
No, you act like
I didn't used to be your age.
782
00:35:03,750 --> 00:35:05,667
Yeah, you thought you was going
to get my daughter
783
00:35:05,667 --> 00:35:09,417
in that dark movie theater
and go, oooh...
784
00:35:09,417 --> 00:35:12,166
ahh....
ooohhh...
785
00:35:12,166 --> 00:35:13,959
and then run to school
the next day,
786
00:35:13,959 --> 00:35:17,917
-'Hey, man, smell my finger.'"
787
00:35:17,917 --> 00:35:20,291
That nigga left my house.
I ain't seen him since.
788
00:35:20,291 --> 00:35:23,417
-My daughter still mad at me.
789
00:35:23,417 --> 00:35:25,125
"You get on my nerves.
You always doing--"
790
00:35:25,125 --> 00:35:27,792
I said, "Shut the fuck up.
Get the fuck outta here.
791
00:35:27,792 --> 00:35:30,000
You ain't fucking
around my house.
792
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:31,834
You finishing
a four-year university
793
00:35:31,834 --> 00:35:34,250
that I already paid
the fuck for.
794
00:35:34,250 --> 00:35:37,000
Give a fuck.
You can stay mad, goddamnit.
795
00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:39,709
Shit, I ain't
your motherfucking friend.
796
00:35:39,709 --> 00:35:42,417
I'm your father, all right?
797
00:35:42,417 --> 00:35:45,834
You--You wanna run away?
Run home.
798
00:35:45,834 --> 00:35:48,083
Shit, I got nine more.
I ain't gonna miss you."
799
00:35:54,333 --> 00:35:57,000
I love my daughters to death,
man, you know what I mean?
800
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:58,625
But they the hardest
to deal with, you know?
801
00:35:58,625 --> 00:36:01,333
First I had all boys.
That shit's easy.
802
00:36:01,333 --> 00:36:03,375
You know, I been a boy.
"Nigga, take the trash out."
803
00:36:03,375 --> 00:36:05,500
"Do I?"
Pow! "Take the trash out."
804
00:36:05,500 --> 00:36:07,166
"Okay, trash."
805
00:36:07,166 --> 00:36:10,375
I can't touch my daughters, man.
Any other man in here like that
806
00:36:10,375 --> 00:36:11,875
where you can't--
That's my little queen.
807
00:36:11,875 --> 00:36:13,417
My little princess, man.
808
00:36:13,417 --> 00:36:15,208
All they gotta do is
bat them eyes at me...
809
00:36:15,208 --> 00:36:18,500
"Daddy..."
"Here, take everything!"
810
00:36:18,500 --> 00:36:21,041
Then I have to go to my wife.
"Hey, baby, uh...
811
00:36:21,041 --> 00:36:23,625
Need you to go get
my money back.
812
00:36:23,625 --> 00:36:26,458
You gotta work as a team.
"Go get it. Go get it."
813
00:36:26,458 --> 00:36:28,542
I hear my wife in the room,
"Give me that goddamn money.
814
00:36:28,542 --> 00:36:31,041
What'd I tell you
about working that nigga?
815
00:36:31,041 --> 00:36:33,875
That's my motherfucking money,
goddamnit.
816
00:36:33,875 --> 00:36:36,375
I'm sucking the comedy dick."
817
00:36:36,375 --> 00:36:39,375
Nigga, my wife
come back in the bedroom like...
818
00:36:39,375 --> 00:36:41,875
Fifteen minutes go by.
She ain't told me shit
819
00:36:41,875 --> 00:36:44,208
about my money.
I said, "Uh, baby,
820
00:36:44,208 --> 00:36:46,542
you wanna bring up, uh,
the money?"
821
00:36:46,542 --> 00:36:50,583
"Uh, wasn't you listening?"
I said, "Yeah. My money."
822
00:36:50,583 --> 00:36:53,583
"Nah, nigga,
I said 'I suck the comedy dick.
823
00:36:53,583 --> 00:36:56,917
It's my money.'"
Nigga, I couldn't say shit.
824
00:37:02,041 --> 00:37:04,375
"Shit, you took the money.
Put it in your mouth."
825
00:37:06,291 --> 00:37:08,333
Hell, yeah.
Nigga, shit.
826
00:37:08,333 --> 00:37:12,542
Like I said, I'm 52.
Shit, I need some head.
827
00:37:12,542 --> 00:37:14,417
You know what I mean?
We don't fuck like we used to.
828
00:37:14,417 --> 00:37:16,792
I'ma be honest, nigga.
I see the older men in here.
829
00:37:16,792 --> 00:37:19,250
"Now, come on, be quiet now.
Speak for yourself."
830
00:37:19,250 --> 00:37:23,208
Shit, you over 50,
your dick dies.
831
00:37:23,208 --> 00:37:25,792
Sometimes you can feel it.
"Hey, you all right?"
832
00:37:27,667 --> 00:37:31,792
And he'll look up at you,
833
00:37:31,792 --> 00:37:34,041
You try to jack him off
like when you was a teenager.
834
00:37:34,041 --> 00:37:35,458
"Come on, man!
Come back!"
835
00:37:35,458 --> 00:37:38,667
-"Nigga, leave me alone!
836
00:37:38,667 --> 00:37:42,959
You freak!
I'm tired, Eddie! I'm tired!
837
00:37:42,959 --> 00:37:45,583
52 years, nigga!
I'm a soldier!
838
00:37:45,583 --> 00:37:48,542
That's why I got a helmet!
839
00:37:48,542 --> 00:37:50,917
I stay in the trenches, nigga!
Back and forth!
840
00:37:50,917 --> 00:37:53,291
In and out!
841
00:37:53,291 --> 00:37:55,917
We ain't got
no more bullets left!
842
00:37:55,917 --> 00:37:58,875
I'm shooting air, Eddie!
Look at that!
843
00:38:01,250 --> 00:38:05,375
Leave me alone, nigga.
Put me back in the drawers."
844
00:38:12,709 --> 00:38:14,333
Then you take
one of them Cialis'.
845
00:38:14,333 --> 00:38:17,667
-"Reporting for duty, sir."
846
00:38:17,667 --> 00:38:20,333
Now I just tell my wife.
You know, I be honest with her.
847
00:38:20,333 --> 00:38:22,834
I be like,
"You know, like, baby...
848
00:38:22,834 --> 00:38:24,792
I need a jumpstart."
849
00:38:24,792 --> 00:38:27,375
Yeah, the old niggas in here,
don't lie.
850
00:38:27,375 --> 00:38:29,583
Shit, if your wife
don't suck dick,
851
00:38:29,583 --> 00:38:32,291
you getting rid of that bitch.
852
00:38:32,291 --> 00:38:34,375
You over 50?
"Baby, I need a jumpstart
853
00:38:34,375 --> 00:38:37,458
to get a nigga...
854
00:38:47,959 --> 00:38:50,375
Don't laugh, ladies.
I see y'all motherfuckers.
855
00:38:50,375 --> 00:38:53,834
Y'all pussy dying right now.
856
00:38:53,834 --> 00:38:57,166
Old pussy dies.
It dies.
857
00:38:57,166 --> 00:39:01,041
It's beat up
its whole motherfucking life.
858
00:39:01,041 --> 00:39:03,208
Gravity don't give a fuck,
nigga.
859
00:39:03,208 --> 00:39:05,375
It pulls on them lips.
860
00:39:05,375 --> 00:39:07,875
Them motherfuckers
get long as fuck, nigga.
861
00:39:07,875 --> 00:39:12,083
It look like that extra bologna
meat on the side of the bread.
862
00:39:12,083 --> 00:39:16,166
Don't nobody want no pussy
they got to roll up to get.
863
00:39:16,166 --> 00:39:18,041
"Nigga, what you doing?"
"I'm rolling this pussy up
864
00:39:18,041 --> 00:39:20,875
so I can hit it."
865
00:39:22,709 --> 00:39:25,792
How many of y'all ever fuck
your woman on they period?
866
00:39:25,792 --> 00:39:28,208
Oh, fuck y'all lying ass
motherfuckers.
867
00:39:28,208 --> 00:39:32,583
Now y'all gonna
be in the SLS bougie.
868
00:39:32,583 --> 00:39:34,875
You a lying motherfucker.
Ain't no man gonna wait
869
00:39:34,875 --> 00:39:36,583
no goddamn week on no pussy.
870
00:39:36,583 --> 00:39:40,583
That's why every household
got that old, raggedy towel.
871
00:39:40,583 --> 00:39:44,500
"Lay that towel down so we don't
fuck these sheets up."
872
00:39:44,500 --> 00:39:46,750
Nigga, that's the only time
a little dick motherfucker
873
00:39:46,750 --> 00:39:48,834
probably feel like
he did something.
874
00:39:48,834 --> 00:39:50,750
Nigga be like,
"Blood everywhere, nigga.
875
00:39:50,750 --> 00:39:54,125
It's a crime scene!
876
00:39:54,125 --> 00:39:57,583
Get the forensics."
877
00:39:57,583 --> 00:39:59,208
Hell, yeah, nigga.
I ain't saying I got
878
00:39:59,208 --> 00:40:01,250
the biggest dick on earth,
879
00:40:01,250 --> 00:40:04,792
but, nigga,
I get return visits.
880
00:40:04,792 --> 00:40:07,208
Hell, yeah, nigga.
If a bitch look for you
881
00:40:07,208 --> 00:40:09,250
and you ain't seen her
in a long time,
882
00:40:09,250 --> 00:40:11,417
you did something
the last time.
883
00:40:11,417 --> 00:40:14,375
If you don't get a return visit,
you can't fuck.
884
00:40:14,375 --> 00:40:16,959
And women talk.
If you got a little dick,
885
00:40:16,959 --> 00:40:19,041
your whole block know.
886
00:40:19,041 --> 00:40:20,834
Oh, women can't help they
selves.
887
00:40:20,834 --> 00:40:22,792
Nigga, women be walking
down the street,
888
00:40:22,792 --> 00:40:26,083
"Uh-huh, that nigga talked
all that shit, Eddie.
889
00:40:26,083 --> 00:40:29,500
Showed up
with his little brother's dick.
890
00:40:31,792 --> 00:40:34,417
The nigga whipped his dick out,
I threw baby powder on it."
891
00:40:36,291 --> 00:40:39,375
If I had a little dick,
I would kill myself.
892
00:40:39,375 --> 00:40:42,125
Nah, God give me all this
fucking talent and shit, nigga,
893
00:40:42,125 --> 00:40:44,625
and opportunity and no dick...
894
00:40:44,625 --> 00:40:47,125
just kill yourself.
You know, a bitch show up,
895
00:40:47,125 --> 00:40:48,875
nigga,
"Well, that's all you got?"
896
00:40:48,875 --> 00:40:52,834
I'd kill myself.
Hell, motherfucking yeah. Shit.
897
00:40:52,834 --> 00:40:54,750
That's why I got ten kids.
898
00:40:54,750 --> 00:40:56,542
I be deep...
899
00:40:56,542 --> 00:41:00,041
up in 'em.
I make the furniture move.
900
00:41:03,208 --> 00:41:05,834
All up in the chest.
901
00:41:05,834 --> 00:41:09,291
Yeah, if you can't have kids
it's 'cause your dick is small.
902
00:41:09,291 --> 00:41:12,917
You dropping the sperm off
so far away from the egg
903
00:41:12,917 --> 00:41:15,625
they die
before they ever get there.
904
00:41:17,500 --> 00:41:20,166
"Goddamn,
how deep is this bitch?
905
00:41:20,166 --> 00:41:23,667
We been swimming
for, nigga, months!
906
00:41:23,667 --> 00:41:25,166
Some of 'em never get in there.
907
00:41:25,166 --> 00:41:27,500
Little dick motherfucker,
Bust on the outside.
908
00:41:27,500 --> 00:41:30,709
They be
swimming around her lips.
909
00:41:30,709 --> 00:41:32,750
I drop mine off
right at the egg.
910
00:41:32,750 --> 00:41:34,208
They come out,
"Thanks for the ride.
911
00:41:34,208 --> 00:41:37,667
Bitch, you pregnant."
912
00:41:37,667 --> 00:41:40,125
Hell, motherfucking,
yeah, nigga.
913
00:41:40,125 --> 00:41:41,750
If y'all don't remember
a motherfucking thing
914
00:41:41,750 --> 00:41:44,250
I said tonight,
please remember this:
915
00:41:44,250 --> 00:41:45,709
You're born a winner.
916
00:41:45,709 --> 00:41:48,083
Everybody in this room
is a winner.
917
00:41:48,083 --> 00:41:51,041
You understand me?
When our father's busted a nut--
918
00:41:51,041 --> 00:41:55,000
Every time we bust a nut,
there's billions of sperm.
919
00:41:55,000 --> 00:41:57,542
Only one can make it to the egg.
920
00:41:57,542 --> 00:42:00,875
We all made it there first.
Nigga, you born a winner.
921
00:42:00,875 --> 00:42:03,875
Stop letting the world
teach your ass how to lose.
922
00:42:03,875 --> 00:42:06,125
-When we got to that egg...
923
00:42:06,125 --> 00:42:09,041
Nigga, you bust that nut.
Pow! "Nigga, I got this!"
924
00:42:09,041 --> 00:42:11,458
Nigga, you get in the egg.
"Nigga, I'm in this bitch!
925
00:42:11,458 --> 00:42:14,542
I won, nigga! I'm comin'!
Nigga, I'm comin'!"
926
00:42:14,542 --> 00:42:18,208
The sperm that don't make it,
"Man, that's fucked up!
927
00:42:18,208 --> 00:42:20,250
Nigga, I been next to you
for five years
928
00:42:20,250 --> 00:42:22,125
in this nigga
left nut, nigga!
929
00:42:22,125 --> 00:42:25,709
Come on, let another nigga in.
We could be twins."
930
00:42:25,709 --> 00:42:28,125
"Too late, nigga.
I'm already mutating."
931
00:42:30,417 --> 00:42:32,083
"Pop, now what we gonna do?"
932
00:42:32,083 --> 00:42:35,291
"This old, arrogant motherfucker
ain't letting nobody else in.
933
00:42:35,291 --> 00:42:37,083
Selfish ass nigga!
934
00:42:37,083 --> 00:42:39,083
You ain't gonna be shit!
You're gonna work at McDonalds
935
00:42:39,083 --> 00:42:43,792
with a paper hat!
Nigga, I had doctor in me!"
936
00:42:43,792 --> 00:42:47,417
"Pop, what we gonna do?"
"Junior...
937
00:42:47,417 --> 00:42:50,333
this ain't gonna go good for us.
938
00:42:50,333 --> 00:42:53,333
We gonna have to
swim back the way we came.
939
00:42:53,333 --> 00:42:57,208
We gonna end up
in that bitch's panties.
940
00:42:57,208 --> 00:42:59,500
Yeah, they gonna call us
a 'discharge.'
941
00:43:03,917 --> 00:43:06,166
Shame!
942
00:43:06,166 --> 00:43:09,291
Then we gonna dry out.
It's gonna be a crunchy crotch.
943
00:43:12,333 --> 00:43:15,041
That nigga gonna be looking for
something in the dirty clothes
944
00:43:15,041 --> 00:43:17,458
and happen to come across
the crunchy crotch.
945
00:43:17,458 --> 00:43:19,667
He gonna be intrigued.
He gonna squeeze us.
946
00:43:19,667 --> 00:43:21,834
We gonna flake off
like snowflakes.
947
00:43:21,834 --> 00:43:24,792
Now, that's if we're in
a good, honest woman.
948
00:43:24,792 --> 00:43:29,500
What if he bust a nut and we
end up in a nasty, stanky bitch?
949
00:43:29,500 --> 00:43:31,667
We swim back the way we came
950
00:43:31,667 --> 00:43:33,834
and another nigga's
eating the pussy.
951
00:43:33,834 --> 00:43:37,625
-We end up in this nigga throat!
952
00:43:37,625 --> 00:43:39,959
I don't wanna be in
no other nigga's throat.
953
00:43:39,959 --> 00:43:43,125
I'll take
the crunchy panties every day.
954
00:43:43,125 --> 00:43:44,667
Hey, Junior,
won't you do me a favor?
955
00:43:44,667 --> 00:43:47,417
Swim up ahead
and see if the coast is clear."
956
00:43:50,208 --> 00:43:52,375
Nigga, hand!
957
00:43:55,667 --> 00:43:58,375
What? Y'all thought y'all
was just gonna see comedy today?
958
00:43:58,375 --> 00:44:00,834
Shit, I got magic in my show.
959
00:44:00,834 --> 00:44:03,667
I got a magical nigga hand
that show up with gifts.
960
00:44:03,667 --> 00:44:06,792
Look at my white people in here,
"I want a nigger hand."
961
00:44:06,792 --> 00:44:10,166
Y'all used to have whole niggas.
You fucked it up.
962
00:44:11,583 --> 00:44:13,250
Aah, shit.
963
00:44:13,250 --> 00:44:15,000
Yeah, you go on over there,
motherfucker
964
00:44:15,000 --> 00:44:16,875
and you replace him.
965
00:44:16,875 --> 00:44:19,208
Y'all need to try this drink,
too, nigga.
966
00:44:19,208 --> 00:44:21,291
Ah, it's called
the Eddie Griffin.
967
00:44:21,291 --> 00:44:24,000
It's champagne mixed
with a shot of Patrón.
968
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:26,542
Oh, I know y'all didn't think
I be getting this fucked up
969
00:44:26,542 --> 00:44:29,166
just on champagne.
It's that Patrón
970
00:44:29,166 --> 00:44:31,166
that don't leave you alone,
get all up in your dome
971
00:44:31,166 --> 00:44:33,959
-and make you miss your home.
972
00:44:33,959 --> 00:44:36,208
That's why I be sippin'
these bitches.
973
00:44:36,208 --> 00:44:40,041
'Cause Patrón don't give a fuck.
Patrón have your ass stuck.
974
00:44:40,041 --> 00:44:42,625
Yeah, there's gonna be some hard
nigga here talking shit.
975
00:44:42,625 --> 00:44:45,291
"Nigga, give me 17 of whatever
that little nigga had."
976
00:44:45,291 --> 00:44:48,125
Y'all gonna see that nigga
later at the club, nigga...
977
00:44:49,959 --> 00:44:51,875
Patrón have your body talk
to itself.
978
00:44:51,875 --> 00:44:53,291
"Legs, how we doing?"
979
00:44:53,291 --> 00:44:56,500
"I wouldn't take another step
if I was you.
980
00:44:56,500 --> 00:44:58,041
You gonna bust
your motherfucking head.
981
00:44:58,041 --> 00:44:59,959
That's why I locked up.
I locked up, nigga."
982
00:44:59,959 --> 00:45:02,250
"Hey, lungs!"
"We need air."
983
00:45:02,250 --> 00:45:04,375
"Eyes!"
"I can't see!"
984
00:45:04,375 --> 00:45:05,375
"Ears?"
"Huh?"
985
00:45:05,375 --> 00:45:06,542
"Ears!?"
"Huh?!"
986
00:45:06,542 --> 00:45:09,125
"Heart."
"It's all over."
987
00:45:09,125 --> 00:45:10,333
"Dick, how you doing?"
988
00:45:10,333 --> 00:45:12,000
"I already pissed
all over the shoes."
989
00:45:14,208 --> 00:45:17,291
Hell, yeah.
You ever been so fucked up...
990
00:45:17,291 --> 00:45:20,417
you throw up
in your own hat?
991
00:45:20,417 --> 00:45:22,041
I had one of them days, nigga.
992
00:45:22,041 --> 00:45:23,542
There was this shit--
Y'all remember the shit
993
00:45:23,542 --> 00:45:25,291
-called Sherman?
- Oh, yeah.
994
00:45:25,291 --> 00:45:27,083
Yeah, we called 'em
"Wet Daddies" back home, nigga.
995
00:45:27,083 --> 00:45:30,333
So there's this partner of mine,
nigga, uh, fucking June Bug.
996
00:45:30,333 --> 00:45:32,125
He was the neighborhood
dope fiend
997
00:45:32,125 --> 00:45:35,250
and one night he came back,
nigga, with a little joint.
998
00:45:35,250 --> 00:45:36,792
You know, I smoke weed,
but I didn't know
999
00:45:36,792 --> 00:45:38,500
what the fuck that was.
It stunk.
1000
00:45:38,500 --> 00:45:40,792
And I hit that motherfucker
thinking it was regular weed.
1001
00:45:40,792 --> 00:45:43,583
I hit it. Hit it. Hit it.
Hit it.
1002
00:45:43,583 --> 00:45:45,917
That Sherman make you heat up.
1003
00:45:45,917 --> 00:45:48,917
Nigga, I started
taking everything off, nigga.
1004
00:45:48,917 --> 00:45:51,250
I'm running down the street
asshole naked
1005
00:45:51,250 --> 00:45:54,583
with just my hat on.
They said I jumped over--
1006
00:45:54,583 --> 00:45:56,834
over to the I-70 freeway
1007
00:45:56,834 --> 00:45:59,625
and was pissing on cars
coming by.
1008
00:45:59,625 --> 00:46:01,583
So they called my first wife,
Carla.
1009
00:46:01,583 --> 00:46:04,125
"Carla, come and get Eddie.
This nigga fucked up."
1010
00:46:04,125 --> 00:46:07,000
So, Carla pulled up.
We had this Buick LeSabre.
1011
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:08,750
She pulled up,
"Nigga, what is wrong with you?
1012
00:46:08,750 --> 00:46:10,542
What did they give you?"
"I don't know, baby,
1013
00:46:10,542 --> 00:46:13,917
but...I'm at work."
She said, "Huh?"
1014
00:46:13,917 --> 00:46:17,542
I said, "I gotta wash the cars.
I gotta wash the cars."
1015
00:46:19,208 --> 00:46:21,959
She said, "Get your ass
in the goddamn car!"
1016
00:46:21,959 --> 00:46:25,500
I sat in the backseat 'cause
I always wanted to be famous.
1017
00:46:25,500 --> 00:46:27,458
So I made her feel like
a limo driver.
1018
00:46:27,458 --> 00:46:29,166
I got in the backseat, nigga.
1019
00:46:29,166 --> 00:46:31,000
Nigga, I'm back there fucked up.
1020
00:46:31,000 --> 00:46:33,959
Nigga, I don't know what it is
when we high...
1021
00:46:33,959 --> 00:46:35,750
but, ladies, this is the only
time we can tell y'all
1022
00:46:35,750 --> 00:46:37,333
how we really love you.
1023
00:46:37,333 --> 00:46:40,875
You know, when we sober you be
like, "Baby, do you love me?"
1024
00:46:40,875 --> 00:46:42,375
"What the hell you talking
about?"
1025
00:46:42,375 --> 00:46:44,375
"Baby, do you love me?"
"Is there food
1026
00:46:44,375 --> 00:46:47,834
in the refrigerator?
Is the lights on?
1027
00:46:47,834 --> 00:46:49,709
What the fuck you ask me
stupid shit for?"
1028
00:46:49,709 --> 00:46:54,291
When we fucked up,
"Baby...
1029
00:46:54,291 --> 00:46:57,375
-Baby...Baby..."
1030
00:46:57,375 --> 00:46:59,166
When y'all hear that,
you already know
1031
00:46:59,166 --> 00:47:00,500
y'all getting ready
to get y'all sensitive.
1032
00:47:00,500 --> 00:47:03,333
"Baby...Baby...
1033
00:47:03,333 --> 00:47:04,959
I love you, baby.
1034
00:47:04,959 --> 00:47:07,333
I love you, baby!
1035
00:47:07,333 --> 00:47:09,875
I lo--I do--I-I love you.
1036
00:47:09,875 --> 00:47:12,208
I love you.
You take care of me
1037
00:47:12,208 --> 00:47:16,000
when I don't take care of me.
I love you, baby.
1038
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:18,208
I love you.
You got a big booty.
1039
00:47:18,208 --> 00:47:23,083
I married your booty, baby.
♪ I married your boot-tay ♪"
1040
00:47:23,083 --> 00:47:26,583
And I did, too, nigga.
1041
00:47:26,583 --> 00:47:31,583
I ain't never
getting that fucked up again.
1042
00:47:31,583 --> 00:47:33,500
I threw up
in my motherfucking hat, nigga.
1043
00:47:33,500 --> 00:47:36,041
Shit start bubbling.
I was like,
1044
00:47:36,041 --> 00:47:38,375
and I put that motherfucker
back on.
1045
00:47:39,959 --> 00:47:41,625
I woke up the next morning,
nigga,
1046
00:47:41,625 --> 00:47:43,917
had all kind of corn and shit
in the nigga's 'fro.
1047
00:47:43,917 --> 00:47:46,250
It took two days
to get that shit out.
1048
00:47:46,250 --> 00:47:48,959
And you know what fucks me up?
Every time you throw up,
1049
00:47:48,959 --> 00:47:51,125
why is there corn?
1050
00:47:51,125 --> 00:47:53,875
I ain't had corn
since last fucking July.
1051
00:47:53,875 --> 00:47:56,750
Where the fuck the corn
keep coming from?
1052
00:47:56,750 --> 00:47:59,125
You take a shit,
there's corn!
1053
00:47:59,125 --> 00:48:00,750
It's like corn just hang out
in your intestines
1054
00:48:00,750 --> 00:48:02,667
"I leave when I wanna leave."
1055
00:48:05,333 --> 00:48:06,917
Ladies, don't get it twisted,
though,
1056
00:48:06,917 --> 00:48:08,417
we love you like a motherfucker.
1057
00:48:08,417 --> 00:48:11,083
Whoever wrote this statement
was real honest, man.
1058
00:48:11,083 --> 00:48:13,917
"Can't live with you,
can't live without you."
1059
00:48:13,917 --> 00:48:16,709
Living with you
is a motherfucker.
1060
00:48:16,709 --> 00:48:19,000
Y'all motherfuckers
will find a way to fuck up
1061
00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:21,625
a relationship
when it's right at it's best.
1062
00:48:21,625 --> 00:48:23,667
You know what I mean?
I don't know why y'all do it.
1063
00:48:23,667 --> 00:48:26,250
It's auto-pilot.
"Things are too good.
1064
00:48:26,250 --> 00:48:29,208
-I must fuck it up."
1065
00:48:29,208 --> 00:48:30,917
You know what I'm saying?
This is when you finally, like,
1066
00:48:30,917 --> 00:48:32,625
"Nigga, damn,
I love my wife, man.
1067
00:48:32,625 --> 00:48:35,959
Look at my beautiful children.
Look at this house, nigga.
1068
00:48:35,959 --> 00:48:38,750
We doing this shit."
1069
00:48:38,750 --> 00:48:41,291
-We need to talk."
1070
00:48:41,291 --> 00:48:43,125
"About what?"
1071
00:48:43,125 --> 00:48:45,041
"See, that's what
I'm talking about?
1072
00:48:45,041 --> 00:48:47,709
You don't even know
what I wanna talk about."
1073
00:48:47,709 --> 00:48:50,333
Why do y'all play that fucking
riddle me shit?
1074
00:48:50,333 --> 00:48:52,834
"Bitch, what the fuck
you wanna say?
1075
00:48:52,834 --> 00:48:55,333
I ain't no goddamn psychic."
1076
00:48:55,333 --> 00:48:57,333
"You didn't notice
I did my hair."
1077
00:48:57,333 --> 00:48:59,291
"Your hair?!
This is what we talking about?
1078
00:48:59,291 --> 00:49:00,917
I didn't notice you did
your motherfucking hair?
1079
00:49:00,917 --> 00:49:03,917
Ha ha! You did it!
You like it? Ha ha!
1080
00:49:05,291 --> 00:49:07,583
You gonna fuck up this
relationship with that bullshit?
1081
00:49:07,583 --> 00:49:09,333
All right, bitch,
let's play this game.
1082
00:49:09,333 --> 00:49:13,291
You didn't notice I got
a new grey hair on my left nut.
1083
00:49:13,291 --> 00:49:16,917
Now we both didn't notice
some shit."
1084
00:49:16,917 --> 00:49:19,959
That's when they run out
the room, ""
1085
00:49:19,959 --> 00:49:21,500
"Bitch, bye.
The game on."
1086
00:49:23,709 --> 00:49:26,625
Ladies, we love you...
1087
00:49:26,625 --> 00:49:30,000
but we need your help,
you understand me?
1088
00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:33,542
I think that we need
a female president myself.
1089
00:49:33,542 --> 00:49:36,875
-Real talk.
1090
00:49:36,875 --> 00:49:38,208
You know what I mean?
1091
00:49:38,208 --> 00:49:39,750
'Cause America's
fucked up right now.
1092
00:49:39,750 --> 00:49:41,125
You know,
motherfuckers talking about,
1093
00:49:41,125 --> 00:49:42,667
"America's the greatest country
on earth."
1094
00:49:42,667 --> 00:49:46,750
No, we not.
We steal kids from they parents
1095
00:49:46,750 --> 00:49:49,792
down in our motherfucking border
in the south, nigga.
1096
00:49:49,792 --> 00:49:52,083
We kidnap motherfucking kids.
1097
00:49:52,083 --> 00:49:53,667
That ain't nothing
to be proud of.
1098
00:49:53,667 --> 00:49:56,333
This nation ain't great.
It's like being an alcoholic.
1099
00:49:56,333 --> 00:49:59,333
You can't cure yourself
till you admit you fucked up.
1100
00:49:59,333 --> 00:50:01,458
Long as we keep running around
lying to ourselves,
1101
00:50:01,458 --> 00:50:02,834
"America's the greatest country
on earth."
1102
00:50:02,834 --> 00:50:04,834
No, motherfucker,
we fucked up
1103
00:50:04,834 --> 00:50:08,208
and we gotta fix this shit.
It needs a mother in spirit.
1104
00:50:08,208 --> 00:50:11,041
'Cause men, we got testosterone.
All we gonna do is,
1105
00:50:11,041 --> 00:50:14,291
"Look how big my dick is.
Blow the bitch up. Ha ha!"
1106
00:50:14,291 --> 00:50:17,083
We need a female up in there
to caress this nation.
1107
00:50:17,083 --> 00:50:18,542
Nigga, and raise
this motherfucker up
1108
00:50:18,542 --> 00:50:21,875
-and turn it back into a family.
1109
00:50:23,250 --> 00:50:26,458
But once a goddamn month
we gonna have to take
1110
00:50:26,458 --> 00:50:29,125
-the missile codes from her.
1111
00:50:29,125 --> 00:50:32,625
Yeah, that PMS shit?
That bitch get the codes,
1112
00:50:32,625 --> 00:50:36,792
-"Blow up everybody!"
1113
00:50:36,792 --> 00:50:39,208
'Cause, women,
y'all bad motherfuckers.
1114
00:50:39,208 --> 00:50:42,083
Y'all can work
while you're on your period,
1115
00:50:42,083 --> 00:50:43,291
you understand me?
1116
00:50:43,291 --> 00:50:44,875
You're on your period
for a week,
1117
00:50:44,875 --> 00:50:46,583
you don't die,
you got the string hanging,
1118
00:50:46,583 --> 00:50:49,291
and still go to work.
"Going to work."
1119
00:50:49,291 --> 00:50:51,917
That's because
men are in charge,
1120
00:50:51,917 --> 00:50:53,250
you understand me?
I believe every woman
1121
00:50:53,250 --> 00:50:55,375
should get that week off
when they on their period.
1122
00:50:55,375 --> 00:50:58,250
-With pay, nigga!
1123
00:50:58,250 --> 00:50:59,834
You understand me?
'Cause you don't want
1124
00:50:59,834 --> 00:51:01,625
that bitch at the job anyway.
1125
00:51:01,625 --> 00:51:03,458
That bitch coming to work,
"What y'all lookin' at?!
1126
00:51:03,458 --> 00:51:05,583
What the fuck on your mind?"
"Baby, just go on home.
1127
00:51:05,583 --> 00:51:07,750
Just go home."
1128
00:51:07,750 --> 00:51:09,166
That's why it's called PMS,
nigga.
1129
00:51:09,166 --> 00:51:11,250
Pain, misery, and shit.
1130
00:51:14,667 --> 00:51:17,208
Nigga, if men had periods...
watch how quick
1131
00:51:17,208 --> 00:51:21,166
that law would pass.
If we had periods, nigga...
1132
00:51:21,166 --> 00:51:25,083
'cause we got testosterone.
It'd be a whole different trip.
1133
00:51:25,083 --> 00:51:28,291
Nigga be walking around,
"I'm on my period, nigga!"
1134
00:51:28,291 --> 00:51:29,959
"What's wrong with you?!"
"Nigga, I got blood
1135
00:51:29,959 --> 00:51:31,792
comin' out my dick, nigga!
1136
00:51:31,792 --> 00:51:34,667
I gotta wear this cotton sleeve
with a twisty tie.
1137
00:51:36,792 --> 00:51:38,500
I'm on my period, nigga!"
1138
00:51:38,500 --> 00:51:40,291
And, nigga,
it'd be a period walk, nigga.
1139
00:51:40,291 --> 00:51:41,834
Women would know.
"That nigga on his period.
1140
00:51:41,834 --> 00:51:43,667
Look at the walk."
1141
00:51:45,291 --> 00:51:46,875
Everybody be sounding like
Bernie Mac.
1142
00:51:46,875 --> 00:51:49,333
"What the fuck
you looking at, motherfucker?
1143
00:51:49,333 --> 00:51:51,458
You motherfucking ass,
looking at a nigga.
1144
00:51:51,458 --> 00:51:55,709
I'm on my motherfucking period!
I'm on my fucking period!"
1145
00:52:00,500 --> 00:52:03,041
Hell motherfucking yeah, nigga.
1146
00:52:03,041 --> 00:52:05,125
Shit.
Y'all some bad mot--
1147
00:52:05,125 --> 00:52:06,792
And, ladies, y'all know
when y'all on your period,
1148
00:52:06,792 --> 00:52:08,125
y'all still go to a club.
1149
00:52:08,125 --> 00:52:09,542
Then they'll meet
in the bathroom.
1150
00:52:09,542 --> 00:52:13,291
"Girl, you got a tampon?
I ran out."
1151
00:52:13,291 --> 00:52:14,792
You know, bitches
share shit like that.
1152
00:52:14,792 --> 00:52:17,542
"Here you go, girl."
One size fit all.
1153
00:52:17,542 --> 00:52:20,291
Nigga, if we had periods,
nigga be in the bathroom,
1154
00:52:20,291 --> 00:52:21,583
"Hey, my nigga...
1155
00:52:21,583 --> 00:52:25,166
you got an extra sleeve on you?"
"Here you go."
1156
00:52:25,166 --> 00:52:27,250
"Nigga, what am I gonna do
with this little, bitty shit?
1157
00:52:27,250 --> 00:52:30,125
I need the jumbos, nigga!
1158
00:52:30,125 --> 00:52:31,542
Nigga, I'm wearing white.
I gotta go.
1159
00:52:31,542 --> 00:52:33,583
This shit about to show,
nigga.
1160
00:52:35,750 --> 00:52:39,542
I went back home
to Kansas City a few weeks ago.
1161
00:52:39,542 --> 00:52:43,709
My Uncle James has got
fourth-stage cancer.
1162
00:52:43,709 --> 00:52:46,500
So he called me up, nigga,
and, um...
1163
00:52:46,500 --> 00:52:48,500
he said, "Eddie, um...
1164
00:52:48,500 --> 00:52:51,291
they told me, you know,
I don't know how much, uh,
1165
00:52:51,291 --> 00:52:53,208
time I got left
and, um...
1166
00:52:53,208 --> 00:52:55,625
you my favorite nephew.
I want you to come back,
1167
00:52:55,625 --> 00:52:58,542
you know, I wanna be able
to tell all those--
1168
00:52:58,542 --> 00:53:02,291
not everybody in the family,
just the ones I love,
1169
00:53:02,291 --> 00:53:04,583
I just wanna be able
to tell all of y'all to...
1170
00:53:04,583 --> 00:53:07,834
kiss my black ass
one last time."
1171
00:53:07,834 --> 00:53:11,709
I said, "Unc, I'd be honored
to come back and let you
1172
00:53:11,709 --> 00:53:14,625
tell me to kiss your black ass
one last time."
1173
00:53:14,625 --> 00:53:17,208
So, nigga, I gathered up
the cousins and family
1174
00:53:17,208 --> 00:53:19,375
from L.A.
and out here in Vegas, nigga.
1175
00:53:19,375 --> 00:53:22,542
We flew back home.
We at James' house, nigga.
1176
00:53:22,542 --> 00:53:26,750
James had a table set up with
every liquor you could think of,
1177
00:53:26,750 --> 00:53:28,875
weed, all kind of shit.
I said, "Nigga..."
1178
00:53:28,875 --> 00:53:30,208
He said,
"You ain't gotta bring shit.
1179
00:53:30,208 --> 00:53:31,834
Shit, I'm dying.
I sold the house.
1180
00:53:31,834 --> 00:53:34,583
Nigga, we gonna drink up
the crib tonight!
1181
00:53:34,583 --> 00:53:37,667
So, nigga, we sitting there
getting drunk and shit
1182
00:53:37,667 --> 00:53:40,917
and, nigga, look,
those who've been fans
1183
00:53:40,917 --> 00:53:43,250
of mine for a while
remember Dysfunktional Family.
1184
00:53:43,250 --> 00:53:45,834
Y'all have met my uncles,
Curtis, James, Bucky,
1185
00:53:45,834 --> 00:53:47,583
and my mama, right?
1186
00:53:47,583 --> 00:53:51,083
So, nigga, they all sitting
around--Now our generation
1187
00:53:51,083 --> 00:53:54,208
listening to these niggas
talk...nigga.
1188
00:53:54,208 --> 00:53:57,166
They was sitting there with
one of 'ems wives talking about
1189
00:53:57,166 --> 00:53:59,625
-"Yeah, we all fucked her.
1190
00:53:59,625 --> 00:54:01,250
I think James
was the first one to fuck her.
1191
00:54:01,250 --> 00:54:03,417
Was it you, James?
No, it was Bucky, nigga.
1192
00:54:03,417 --> 00:54:06,083
Bucky got her first
and then, uh, Curtis hit it."
1193
00:54:06,083 --> 00:54:08,375
And she right there saying,
"Yup, yup, uh...
1194
00:54:08,375 --> 00:54:11,250
it was you, James.
I fucked you first.
1195
00:54:11,250 --> 00:54:14,125
Uh, Bucky little motherfucking
ass dancing nigga.
1196
00:54:14,125 --> 00:54:15,875
I had to give him some pussy.
1197
00:54:15,875 --> 00:54:19,291
And I gave, uh--uh, Curtis some.
Big old horse-dick nigga.
1198
00:54:19,291 --> 00:54:23,166
I didn't go back there no more,
but I stayed with you, James,
1199
00:54:23,166 --> 00:54:24,500
'cause you had the right
stroke."
1200
00:54:24,500 --> 00:54:26,291
Nigga, me and my brother
and my cousin
1201
00:54:26,291 --> 00:54:28,667
was sitting there,
"Nigga...
1202
00:54:28,667 --> 00:54:31,250
we ain't gonna have no stories
to match this shit
1203
00:54:31,250 --> 00:54:33,959
with our little youngins
when we the old motherfuckers
1204
00:54:33,959 --> 00:54:35,542
sitting around playing
bid whist.
1205
00:54:35,542 --> 00:54:37,500
Hey, baby bro!"
"Yeah, Eddie?"
1206
00:54:37,500 --> 00:54:40,625
"Shit, remember that time
I didn't fuck your wife?
1207
00:54:40,625 --> 00:54:43,333
You remember that time
you didn't fuck none of mine?"
1208
00:54:43,333 --> 00:54:46,125
-Boring ass shit.
1209
00:54:46,125 --> 00:54:48,083
But he had a good time, nigga.
1210
00:54:48,083 --> 00:54:50,709
He was sitting there.
He got fucked up and drunk.
1211
00:54:50,709 --> 00:54:52,625
And then the nigga
went to the hospital
1212
00:54:52,625 --> 00:54:56,041
and they told him he's got
at least 17 more years.
1213
00:55:00,333 --> 00:55:02,583
This nigga done
drunk the house up.
1214
00:55:03,792 --> 00:55:06,250
This nigga gonna be homeless
for 17 years.
1215
00:55:07,834 --> 00:55:09,333
I ain't gonna let the nigga
go homeless.
1216
00:55:09,333 --> 00:55:11,500
Shit, I bought the nigga
house back.
1217
00:55:13,625 --> 00:55:14,959
Hell, motherfucking, yeah,
nigga.
1218
00:55:14,959 --> 00:55:16,500
I love him to death.
Shit.
1219
00:55:16,500 --> 00:55:19,166
Hell, yeah.
I didn't have no father, nigga.
1220
00:55:19,166 --> 00:55:20,917
Them was my three
father-figures,
1221
00:55:20,917 --> 00:55:24,083
-you know what I mean?
1222
00:55:25,583 --> 00:55:27,625
Them motherfuckers like,
"Ed, you such a great dad
1223
00:55:27,625 --> 00:55:29,375
with your kids, nigga.
You didn't have a father."
1224
00:55:29,375 --> 00:55:30,709
I said,
"Nigga, I made a promise.
1225
00:55:30,709 --> 00:55:32,709
I'm gonna be the father
that I always wanted.
1226
00:55:32,709 --> 00:55:34,834
- I know that's right!
-It's easy to do, shit.
1227
00:55:34,834 --> 00:55:36,208
-As a kid you know
1228
00:55:36,208 --> 00:55:37,542
what you want a father to do.
1229
00:55:37,542 --> 00:55:39,375
Well, nigga,
that's what I'm doing for mine.
1230
00:55:39,375 --> 00:55:40,792
- That's right.
-You know what I mean? Shit.
1231
00:55:40,792 --> 00:55:42,208
"We gonna go play catch, nigga?
1232
00:55:42,208 --> 00:55:43,542
All right, nigga,
let's knuckle up, nigga.
1233
00:55:43,542 --> 00:55:46,333
Tighten that jab up.
Twist it, nigga. Twist it.
1234
00:55:46,333 --> 00:55:48,875
You know what I mean?
Drop that hook on 'em, nigga."
1235
00:55:48,875 --> 00:55:50,834
You know, just basic shit.
1236
00:55:50,834 --> 00:55:52,625
"Take the trash out,
little fucker."
1237
00:55:55,542 --> 00:55:57,417
Hell, yeah, nigga.
1238
00:55:57,417 --> 00:55:59,625
Daughters are so hard
to raise, nigga.
1239
00:55:59,625 --> 00:56:01,667
-Shit.
- Little terrorists!
1240
00:56:01,667 --> 00:56:03,709
Yeah, they terrorists, nigga,
and they hustlers.
1241
00:56:03,709 --> 00:56:05,709
You give your son a football,
he'll play with that
1242
00:56:05,709 --> 00:56:07,417
same football till he make it
to the pros
1243
00:56:07,417 --> 00:56:08,959
making money playing football.
1244
00:56:08,959 --> 00:56:10,542
You buy your daughter
a Barbie doll,
1245
00:56:10,542 --> 00:56:12,959
now it needs a Ken doll.
Now they need friends.
1246
00:56:12,959 --> 00:56:14,834
Now they need an apartment.
Now they need a car.
1247
00:56:14,834 --> 00:56:16,625
Now they need some
fucking clothes and shit.
1248
00:56:16,625 --> 00:56:20,375
This shit go on for 18 years.
They'll break your ass.
1249
00:56:20,375 --> 00:56:22,375
Why do you think a father
is so happy
1250
00:56:22,375 --> 00:56:24,500
to give his daughter away
at a wedding?
1251
00:56:24,500 --> 00:56:26,750
"Uh, nigga,
it's your problem now.
1252
00:56:26,750 --> 00:56:30,542
I hope you got a good job.
That little bitch broke me.
1253
00:56:32,458 --> 00:56:35,083
And God made sure
they can't come back.
1254
00:56:35,083 --> 00:56:36,417
'Cause you--
When you get married,
1255
00:56:36,417 --> 00:56:38,417
your last name change.
1256
00:56:38,417 --> 00:56:40,250
She try to come back,
"Daddy...
1257
00:56:40,250 --> 00:56:42,667
just wondering if you could
help us on the light bill.
1258
00:56:42,667 --> 00:56:44,375
He just lost his job."
1259
00:56:44,375 --> 00:56:47,208
"I told you nigga wasn't shit
when brought him by the house,
1260
00:56:47,208 --> 00:56:49,417
but, no, you was so in love.
1261
00:56:49,417 --> 00:56:52,583
Let's see if love
turn them lights back on.
1262
00:56:52,583 --> 00:56:55,125
I only take care of Griffins,
you a Williams now.
1263
00:56:58,542 --> 00:57:00,291
All right, let me
get outta here, y'all.
1264
00:57:00,291 --> 00:57:01,959
I gotta go
'cause I got another show
1265
00:57:01,959 --> 00:57:03,959
in September...
1266
00:57:07,291 --> 00:57:09,583
It take a minute
to get ready for this shit.
1267
00:57:12,291 --> 00:57:14,834
Look it, here, y'all.
Y'all been wonderful.
1268
00:57:14,834 --> 00:57:18,375
I'm E.G. G.C.
God's child.
1269
00:57:18,375 --> 00:57:20,792
One time for your mind
and never let a hater
1270
00:57:20,792 --> 00:57:24,125
rent a motherfucking
moment of time in your mind.
1271
00:57:24,125 --> 00:57:26,291
Take the Lord with you.
1272
00:57:45,375 --> 00:57:47,417
♪ Impossible ♪
1273
00:57:51,792 --> 00:57:55,500
♪ They all like to
beat us down ♪
1274
00:57:57,333 --> 00:58:02,291
♪ They all like to
see us proud ♪
1275
00:58:02,291 --> 00:58:04,625
♪ They all like to ♪
1276
00:58:04,625 --> 00:58:07,667
♪ Stand in line today ♪
1277
00:58:07,667 --> 00:58:12,000
♪ But it'll never happen
no way, no way ♪
1278
00:58:12,000 --> 00:58:14,583
♪ They all like to ♪
1279
00:58:14,583 --> 00:58:17,250
♪ Sit and stare ♪
1280
00:58:17,250 --> 00:58:20,291
♪ They all like to
come and-- ♪
96119
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