Original subtitles

ARCHER: You're probably wondering what we're doing.

Short answer, saving the earth.

Again.

I'm not leaving without you.

I need something soft to land on.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[cawing]

It is a dark time in Staten Island.

A lot of vampires have been slaughtered.

[grunting, screaming]

Not us, thankfully. We're fine.

But are we?

I don't think we are. [short chuckle]

NANDOR: The worst part

is that it was our familiar

that did the slaughtering.

The worst part is it was Nandor's

own familiar that did the slaughtering.

It was Nandor's employee.

Really Nandor's responsibility.

-Yep. -Talk to Nandor.

It is true that Guillermo--

the familiar that all of us share command of

and responsibility for-- is the one that did the slaughtering.

-Aah! -NANDOR: But he did it

to save our lives from the Vampiric Council.

Still, he should not have done so much slaughtering.

I frankly couldn't give a cat's knuckle about Gizmo.

I mean, he's just kind of this fluttering lickspittle

that is always bouncing about, always behind Nandor.

-But Nandor likes him. -LASZLO: Oh, shut up, Colin Robinson.

-You're giving me the pip. -Yes.

And we are running out of time here.

Well, I guess I should just shut the fuck up then.

If you insist.

NADJA: I'm not objecting.

You know, we know what we have to do.

We have to put Guillermo to death

before he puts all of us to death.

-But he saved our lives. -NADJA: Okay, so we're saying,

"Thank you for saving us, but sorry,

you're our mortal enemy-- you got to die, babes."

But we are still in imminent danger.

May I remind you all that we were sentenced

to death by the Vampiric Council for killing vampires.

-Which he did. -And then more vampires were killed.

-By him. -Which means they're gonna send more assassins

over here to get us. And perhaps our familiar...

-Your familiar, dickhead. -You hired him, you bloody plonker.

...is the only one that can protect us.

But how do you know he's not going to kill us?

-It is in his bloods. -COLIN: Ah, yes.

Francis Galton's perennial conundrum:

-nature versus nurture... -LASZLO: Shut the fuck up.

-Speak quiet, Colin Robinson. -Stop it, Colin Robinson.

DOLL NADJA: Everybody relax. I have given this

a lot of thought, and my vote is...

-You don't get a vote. -Hey!

-Why not? -Because you are basically

just another version of Nadja,

and so your vote would be the same as hers,

-which is not fair. -BOTH: You don't know that.

-Just because... -Oh, sorry, you go.

-No, you go. -No, you go.

-Okay, I'll go. -Okay, fine.

What would your vote be?

Death.

What a brilliant point she has.

I think we should slumber on this.

We do not have time to slumber! The Vampiric Council is probably

-out there now searching for us and him as we speak. -[bell ringing]

Silence! And hark.

That was him.

What could he want?

Perhaps he is warning us of an imminent danger.

Or maybe his poop bucket's full.

-We must check. -I hope it's the poop bucket.

Oh, and while you're down there...

kill him.

["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long♪

♪ They have no use for your song♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world.♪

NANDOR: Make sure that you use the handrail, because

-the stairs are very steep. -[clattering]

LASZLO: Stupid prick.

NANDOR: When was he last fed?

-COLIN: What day is it? -LASZLO: Sunday, maybe?

Really? Gosh, it feels like Saturday.

It's just, like, "Where did my weekend go?"

[laughing]: Am I right?

NANDOR: This is why I said we should have a checklist

of when he was fed and who fed him.

[speaking foreign language]

How long has he been down here?

Almost a month. 29 days.

A month, and you've not decided his fate yet?

Well, I have certainly been trying to.

A decision like that, there's a lot of moving parts.

Got it.

Now remember, do not look him directly in the eyes.

We still do not know the depths of his power.

I never looked him in the eyes anyway, so I'm certainly

not gonna start now. Get the door open.

Stand aside.

-Hi. -Guillermo, why did you summon us?

-Is there a threat of imminent danger? -No.

-Stand back! He's lunging at us! -NADJA: Oh! -Not that I know of.

-My bathroom bucket's full, needs to be emptied. -NANDOR: Eesh.

-Okay. Maybe one of you big, strong men... -I'll do it. I'll do it.

I-I think it's important that I sift through the scat

to see if he's sending out any secret messages.

-LASZLO: Scat away. -NANDOR: Good thinking.

NADJA: Um, so, here are your foods.

-[short chuckle] -Thank you, Nadja.

-You can just hand it to me. I'm not... -Stay.

-...not gonna hurt you. -NANDOR: Nice job.

Yay, more raw chicken.

The prisoner will slide his bucket of shame

over to the sally port.

And the prisoner will be reminded

not to make any sudden movements,

-lest he get the prod. -I have a name.

Just slide your shit bucket over to sally's port.

Thank you.

-[Nadja retching] -NANDOR: Careful.

-GUILLERMO: There you go. -COLIN: Come to Mama.

GUILLERMO: This is ridiculous. Can't you just let me out?

-You know I wouldn't hurt you. -LASZLO: Bullshit. Please remember

that this man is a vampire killer.

I was protecting you! I saved your lives!

Yes, and we have taken that into consideration.

But we are still in discussions about

what your fate is going to be.

Oh, okay. And may I ask how far along you are

-in these discussions? Or is it one of those things -LASZLO: No.

where you just linger and argue with each other

'cause you don't have a Guillermo next to you

to solve all of your problems?

-This fucking guy. -Insolent! -You need to prod him.

Hey, hey, hey! The prisoner will be reminded

to treat his captors with respect

-and kindness. -Yes.

-Or he'll taste the wrath of my... -NANDOR: Do it.

-GUILLERMO: Don't touch the metal. -Prod. Ow!

-Shit! -NANDOR: Ay, shit.

-You okay? -No! -LASZLO: Let's go.

We've lingered here long enough.

He'll just do his mind magic on us.

-What? -That's probably what he's doing with my cattle prod.

-GUILLERMO: No, don't touch that end, Colin Rob... -Ow!

-NANDOR: Ay, fuck. -Shit! That one was on me.

-Not giving you credit for that one. -GUILLERMO: I don't want credit.

We will make a judgement about your future shortly.

And who's gonna protect you, huh?

I'm not asking

for any kind of special treatment!

I'm just want to protect you from yourselves!

Laszlo. Laszlo?

-No, Laszlo... -[electricity buzzing]

COLIN: Ow, Fuck!

Okay, so, day 30 of imprisonment.

Not bad, actually.

I get pretty good Wi-Fi down here, so I've been able

to rewatch some of my favorites.

Did another round of Gilmore Girls.[chuckles]

I can show you around if you want, give you a tour.

Here, this is my bed.

Here's my mini fridge.

And there's the chicken they think I eat raw.

And some Yoo-hoos.

And that is where I, um... yeah.

Without me, the vampires don't know what they're doing.

Like, literally they can't do anything without me.

They can't even imprison someone.

You want to see something cool?

Here's a little secret.

What I've been doing is I've been

sneaking out when they go into slumber.

Colin Robinson heads out to work by 9:45,

so I'm up by then.

I've been coming up here and doing all the things

that need to be done to keep the house functioning.

♪

Of course they don't notice, because

they just think it happens automatically.

It doesn't.

I do it.

Heads up.

I mean, I should really just consider

escaping,

And leaving.

And never coming back.

Especially 'cause they're considering

you know, killing me. [laughs]

-Thank you. -But I just wonder what

would happen if I wasn't here to help them out.

They're like family.

I know--

codependent much? [short chuckle]

[crows cawing]

NADJA: Look, I, too have developed

a small seed of affection

for Guillermo, but the vampire code stands.

He killed vampires, therefore he must be killed.

NANDOR: What about the warrior's code?

A man who saves your life in battle should be owed

a debt of eternal gratitude and mercy.

Ah, yeah, the, uh, perennial conundrum between

-the warrior code and the vampire code... -[thud]

What... Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that?

NADJA: Oh, you know what, it's probably one of the black birds

that's been gathering outside lately.

[Nandor grunts]

[sighs]

How you holding up?

Yeah, comme ci, comme ça.

I don't know what that means.

So... has there been any updates

-on... my fate? -No.

It's really looking like we're going to end up killing you.

Well...

-I'm a soldier. -Yes.

Not a great warrior like you, of course, but...

-Oh, thank you. -...a soldier nonetheless.

Who saved your life.

And would do it again in a heartbeat.

'Cause that's the code I live by.

The code of the warrior.

Yes.

This is what I've been trying to tell them.

You are?

There's a code amongst warriors.

-The warriors code. -Yes.

Sadly, I am but a lone voice crying out in the...

wilderness.

[grunts]

Ow. Fucking splinter in my foot.

Which reminds me.

I brought you your dinner.

-The chicken. -Yes.

I let it warm up to room temperature for a few days.

Oh... mm.

-I'll leave the light on. -Thank you.

[door closes]

[cawing]

[phone chiming]

I put these security cameras everywhere just to make sure

the vampires are safe.

Usually, the only alerts I get are when raccoons get into

the trash cans or Laszlo goes out to the potting shed

in the back yard to, uh, whack off.

But...

What the hell?

And you're comfortable slumbering in your coffin

knowing that bloody Guillermo's poncing around the house?

We could get locks for our coffins-- inside locks.

Does such a thing even exist?

LASZLO: I can't even slumber knowing he's downstairs

in that basement, so I've been...

busy in my potting shed.

Well, I've continued

to sift through his stinky pickles

from his toilet bucket, and I can confirm

he's not smuggling out any secret messages.

Good work, Colin Robinson. [clears throat]

But I will continue to sift through it

on a daily basis in...

-The... -What?

[all gasping, whimpering]

Stand back!

[all exclaiming]

NADJA: Laszlo, get down!

Ooh! What the heck?!

You hit me with a stake!

Stand back! She's trying to kill all of you.

See, this is what I'm talking about. He's a good soldier.

-He's gonna kill us all! -I'm not trying to kill anyone.

-I'm not trying to kill anyone, either... except for you! -GUIDE: Great.

-Whoa. -NANDOR: Good catch.

Thank you.

Chillax, familiar.

We get it: you're a vampire-killer,

with the stakes and the reflexes and all that-- great job.

-[claps] -Yay. Now,

-may I speak? -LASZLO: You may speak,

dark shade, but, remember,

no bullshit from thy mouth.

COLIN: But before you speak,

how did the prisoner get out of his cage?

-I'll tell you later. -Okay, but what about your poop bucket?

I mean, is it empty, half-empty, mostly liquid,

or are there some Lincoln Logs in there for me?

-Okay. -GUIDE: Listen, everyone,

I didn't mean to alarm you,

but we haven't heard from you.

We sent 87 ravens to summon you...

which is a big deal for our budget.

-Oh, that makes sense-- all the ravens. -[overlapping muttering]

Okay. So you did see them,

and you did nothing, just like last time?

Well, maybe you could try using the telephone?

We did try the telephone.

It is Guillermo's job to answer the telephone.

I'm sorry, but why did you not answer the telephone?

Because you had me in a cage in the basement!

Always an excuse with this wise guy.

GUIDE: All right, on to the business at hand.

I come to you with a personal message

from the Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council.

-Oh, shit. -Yes, the council that rules

over all other councils.

Now, do you have a VCR?

-A what? -How are you spelling that?

V-C-R.

-"Visar." -No.

-Is this really necessary? -NANDOR: Yes, it is. -LASZO: Ah, ah, ah.

GUIDE: Vampires all, draw ye near

that ye may receive the message

from the Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council.

[whispers]: Now press play.

GUILLERMO: That's rewind. That's pause.

-I'm pressing it. -COLIN: The Voice is on in a little bit--

-can we, uh... -NANDOR: Careful. -Ugh.

Play.

♪

Hi.

-Nandor the Relentless, -NANDOR: Yes?

-Nadja of Antipaxos, -NADJA: Oh!

Leslie "Laszlo" Cravensworth and Colin Rubenstein,

I applaud you.

Congratulations. With the help of your bloodthirsty minion,

you have eliminated almost

70% of the most powerful vampires

in the Tri-State area.

What? He's here now?

-Right when I'm doing this piece? Tell him to go -Is he being sarcastic?

-It does sound a little bit... not sarcastic, -to my chambers and wait there.

-What's the other word that sort of means "sarcastic"? -Okay, where was I?

-Ah, yes. -Begins with "F."

Lest you think I'm being facetious,

-That's the word. -I can assure you

I am not.

"Vampire must never kill vampire."

Is that not the thing that we say all the time?

-We do. Uh... some of us do. -At dinner parties

-I do. -and at social gatherings, we come and say,

"Hey, how's it going, Jeffrey?

Vampire shall not kill vampire,"

just to remind ourselves of that big law that we made

many, many years ago.

But when a vampire kills, like,

37, 38 vampires?

Well, these are vampires

who know how to get things done.

-Oh, isn't he great? -[exclaiming] -So this is why

I am pleased to announce that

you four are hereby appointed

-to be the leaders -What the fuck?

-of the Vampiric Council -Oh!

of the Eastern Seaboard of the New World.

-GUIDE: Wow. That's sort of -Congratulations,

-a surprise even to me. -guys. Well done.

-NADJA: Very nice! -So, sit upon the throne with pride.

-[squeals] -You are in charge now.

We will be monitoring your progress.

And with that, I bid you adieu.

-Adieu to you. -Yeah, yeah. -NANDOR: A dude.

-FML. -Hell yeah.

I love thrones-- they're my favorite chair.

It is a great honor.

But, also, you know, quite a responsibility.

COLIN: Well, I've been on the local

Vampiric Council for a few years now.

Mainly at an entry-level position.

I... Well, what can I say?

It's good to be the king. [chuckles]

Mel Brooks, History of the World: Part I.

LASZLO: I didn't become a vampire

to end up a pen-pushing bureaucrat.

I became a vampire to suck blood and to fuck forever.

-But you must admit, this is quite an honor. -I couldn't give a fuck.

Push the stop button. It is the record button.

-GUILLERMO: Should I turn it off? -Who is he talking to?

-GUIDE: Just turn it off. -The red one.

I have done the bidding for countless

fearsome and legendary councils.

Lords and lady,

I have assisted every local

Vampiric Council since 1759.

The best of the best.

I now stand charged with assisting you.

-Nice. -All right.

And now we have these guys.

Which is...

whatever, you know, it's above my pay grade.

NADJA: You know, it isn't just an honor.

It is also a nine-to-five.

You know, full-time working job. I'm a working woman.

This is now a documentary about Vampire Council leaders.

I will take you upon tomorrow's eve to Vampiric Council

headquarters so that you may assume the throne.

Once the leader of men.

Now a leader of vampires.

But one matter still remains:

what to do about Guillermo?

-Do you have to chain me? -Uh, no.

Then why did you do it?

Well, seemed kind of fun.

All right, get in there.

Kneel before your masters, fool.

I will not kneel.

All right, then. Shit.

Who-who took the batteries out of my proddy?

-Just let him stand there, Colin Robinson. -We all agreed

-I could prod him one more time. -Yeah, yeah, well, you tried, and nothing happened.

We have a lot to get through this evening.

[clears throat] Guillermo...

de la... eh...

What is it again?

-Um, Greenberg? -De la Cruz.

-Oh. -We have come to a final

decision regarding your fate.

All those in favor of revealing this decision, say aye!

ALL: Aye!

It's unanimous.

In the case of Guillermo Greenberg

-de la Cruz -Not my name.

in the killing of many, many vampires,

we have come to a final decision regarding your fate.

We have decided...

-Drum roll. -Thank you.

[Nadja imitates cymbal crash]

...not to kill you.

NADJA: At least not right now

and not for this particular thing,

but my eyes are on you.

You were shitting yourself there for a second, weren't you?

-Little bit. -In fact, for our own protection,

we have decided

to make you a fully-fledged member of the team.

What?

You're gonna make me a vampire.

-Course we're fucking not, -What?

-you idiot. -Fucking kidding me. [laughs]

NANDOR: No, we're gonna do something

much better than that.

Do you want to do another drum roll or...

-I don't think drum roll's... -NADJA: No. I...

-That is it. -We are gonna make you

a vampires'...

-bodyguard. -Ah!

-Hmm. -NANDOR: Exciting.

Not... not really what "a fully-fledged

-member of the group" kind of person... -NADJA: Well, excuse me,

it's a big bloody step up from being a familiar,

and it's way better than being dead,

-so you gonna take it or leave it? -Take it.

-Okay. I'll take it. -NANDOR: Okay, good.

All those in favor of accepting his acceptance, say aye!

ALL: Aye!

Okay. Great. Unanimous... Uh, tut, tut, tut...

Before you remove the chains,

there's just, uh, another thing that you will have to do

for it to be, you know, finalized.

This thing, it might, uh...

might be a little bit dangerous. For you.

Vampiric hypnosis

is a very powerful tool,

which, if improperly used

by the hypnotizer, can really mess up the mind

of the hypnotizee.

NADJA: And the twice-as-powerful

double hypnosis can lead

to weak brain or, even worse,

the thoughtless Sallies.

And if things go very, very tits-up,

you end up with full-blown brain scramblies.

LASZLO: As we both know, my darling,

from experience, but take that up a notch.

to a three-way hypnosis,

well, then you might be

faced with the purple screaming Henries.

Or worse still...

half-man, half-madness.

NANDOR: But desperate times

call for desperate measures.

So, a four-way hypnosis?

NADJA: Yes, and we've actually

never ever done one of those before, so...

LASZLO: Yeah, and the odds against you being normal afterwards

-are pretty fucking low. -Do you think I can have a minute to think about it?

The prisoner needs a moment to think about it.

It's okay. I thought about it.

He's thunk about it.

Okay. And I agree.

-Great. -Yeah, being alone in that cell

down there gives you a lot of time.

-Mm. -And you guys-- you're like my family.

It's okay, you don't have to give us your life story.

-We get it. Should we, uh... -LASZLO: Yeah.

Assume the position.

What position would that be?

I haven't got a fucking clue. What is it?

Uh, stand there, we'll come to you.

-Yes. -Good idea.

-[Nandor clears throat] -[all vocalizing]

NANDOR: Quadruple hypnosis.

ALL: Guillermo...

Greenberg de la Cruz,

you will now find yourself

in a trance-like state.

GUILLERMO: Between you and I,

vampire hypnosis doesn't work on me anymore.

I mean, it used to, years ago,

when they first started doing it.

But I guess after a while, my body just...

got immune to it.

ALL: When you awaken, and for the rest of your natural life,

you will in no way harm Nandor...

GUILLERMO: And they used to use it on the stupidest things, too.

Things I would've done anyways.

Gizmo, stop doing that.

Could you do me a small favor?

Fetch me the book,

which is next to my father's ashes.

Do it a bit quicker because

you are interrupting my magazine reading.

Now go into the basement and fetch my witch's skin hat.

Don't you fucking dare.

So, yeah.

I just let them think they can hypnotize me.

Who's gonna know the difference?

-[all chanting] -Wait, wait, wait. Also...

whenever Colin Robinson says your name,

you will meow like a kitty cat.

The...

ALL: End.

Colin Robinson, why did you have to add that bit?

It's for me, all right?! For me!

[exhales]

Guillermo... awaken.

[gasps]

Is your brain fully operational?

-Yeah, I'm fine. -He's not fine.

He's got that slack jaw, half-wit look.

Guillermo, you will now

take Colin Robinson's peen and scrotum

and crush it in your hand.

-What? No. -Good idea.

LASZLO: Yeah.

NANDOR: He's gonna do it.

I'm afraid I can't, Master.

As much as I would love to,

something compels me not to.

-It worked! Yay! -It worked! [laughs] -Yeah, wait, wait, wait! No, no.

-NANDOR: Yes! -Hold on, hold on. Guillermo?

-Meow. -[laughing]

It worked.

NANDOR: This building. Eesh!

Still sends shivers through my bones.

Last time we were here we were sentenced

to death by the Vampiric Council.

Had we not escaped from this cack house...

-I saved them. -We saved them.

Had we not escaped from this fluorescent mausoleum,

we'd be fucking dead.

First... thank you.

NANDOR: Does anyone remember how the elevator works?

NADJA: Nandor, just tell it to take us to the dungeon.

COLIN: I think it's P3.

[elevator bell dings]

-NANDOR: Oh. -GUIDE: This is my favorite room.

-NANDOR: This is lovely. -LASZLO: Very nice.

GUIDE: And I'm sure you'll all remember

-the judgement chamber. -LASZLO: No.

NANDOR: How could we forget?

Yes. I remember it well.

The last time we were in this very room,

we were sentenced to death and Wesley Snipes

-was right over there on a laptop. -GUIDE: Right.

And now you're the ones who will be

sentencing other vampires to death.

-Yes! -Yes. -GUIDE: Which

doesn't really make a lot of sense to me.

[laughs] But, whatever, above my pay grade.

I am here to serve.

Good for you. That's great.

NADJA: Well, it's much bigger and

-more impressive than I remember. -Yes.

Feel a little bit chilly willies, too.

-Oh. -NANDOR: It is a little cold.

-GUIDE: These are the wraiths. -Oh, great,

I'm fucking freezing.

-Oh! -GUIDE: Do not fear them--

-they are here to serve us. -Thank you.

NANDOR: Thanks a lot.

Darling, it's almost as soft as you are.

LASZLO: Mm, very nice.

Are they gonna come back with another one? 'Cause...

Membership has its privileges.

Clearly.

Now, before we get down to business...

-[snaps fingers] -[Nandor exclaims]

-Ooh, nice. -GUIDE: Which one of you

will assume the Master's Throne?

Is there not a throne for all of us?

[laughing]

No!

I just... I assumed, you know, because there is more

than one of us, there will be more than one throne.

-This is it. Listen. -LASZLO: Oh.

You're all on the Vampiric Council,

-All of us? -But those... All four of you.

But only one of you can be the supreme leader.

The one who rules over all vampires.

All vampires in the local New York area.

And also is the boss over all the other members

of the Council-- only one.

So who will be the supreme leader

who rules over all others?

-Um... -Fuck no.

-I'll do it. -I think I'm probably the best one for it, probably I think...

They're idiots.

Haven't decided yet, Colin Robinson!

-You will not take it! -We've to make a decision together!

♪ King of the nighttime world♪

♪ You're my headlight queen♪

♪ I'm the king of the nighttime world♪

♪ Come live your secret dream♪

♪ I'm the king of the nighttime world♪

♪ You're my headlight queen♪

♪ I'm the king of the nighttime world♪

♪ I'm the king, now come live your secret dreams♪

♪ I'm the king of the nighttime world♪

♪ You're my headlight queen♪

♪ I'm the king of the nighttime world.♪

[LASZLO READING]

[NANDOR READING]

[NADJA READING]

[GUILLERMO READING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN 1: Go!

MAN 2: It's easy to be bad.

It's hard to be a warrior with dignity.

[SCREAMS AND COUGHS]

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

[PLAYS DISCORDANT TUNE]

MAN: Mr. President, you have a moment to go over the witness list?

Sure.

The only one who didn't look familiar was Monica Lewinsky.

Does that name sound familiar?

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Are there other survivors?

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

God, I hope so. [CHUCKLES]

Do not more. Do not...

Wander? Yes. I know.

[MONKEY SCREECHING]

I'm about to put myself

in between you and whatever comes through that door.

Crazier things have happened.

I mean, half the world died.

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]