All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine s17e08 Beware Of The Elbow.eng

What are you doing
sitting on my steps?

I'm thinking.

Thinking? About what?

About things.

About what things?

Well, there's thee for a start.

Coming here sitting on my steps
thinking about me! Go and sit on your own steps.

It don't work down there.
Why are my steps any different?

Because they're your steps.
They're full of Eastern promise.

A brush is the only promise
you'll get round here!

Look, it's not easy.
With my trousers, I'm not built for sitting on stone steps.

Then why do you do it?

Because when I'm sitting here,

I can hear voices.

Good morning.
Would you like to be saved?

What I'd like first is something
to happen worth saving me from!

Morning, sir.
Would you like to be saved?

Keep your voice down.
It's all a lie.

Who told you anyway?
I was just teaching the lady the rudiments of botany.

How do you mean - if you sit
on my steps you can hear voices?

I don't know, it's very mysterious.

Whenever I sit on YOUR steps,

I hear voices.

What kind of voices?

Oh, come and listen for thaself.

You mean anyone can hear 'em?
I don't see why not.

Here, that stone's still warm.

I can't hear anything! Hang on,
tha's hardly been here a minute.

You're pulling my leg again!

With them wrinkled stockings,
I could unscrew it!

Hush, hush, hush!

Oh, get off you cheeky devil!

You're having me on again!

There you are.
I told thee I heard voices.

You know how it is when you're...
young and stupid.

It's like being old and stupid,
but you get stupid much quicker.

Well, all I'm saying is that in
those days I never used to be bored.

And then I woke up one morning
and there I was -

bored!

When was this? 1939.

But you can't have been bored
since 1939!

Oh, yes I can.

You can make it a way of life.

It's the Yorkshire equivalent of
oriental pathways to self-knowledge.

1939? That was the year
the war broke out.

Yes, I noticed that.

I thought, fair enough,
they're doing their best for me,

but I was still bored.

Huh! When I wasn't scared to death.
DOORBELL

If that's Howard, I'm not at home.

It's that religious group.

You go. You're a trained killer.
You need saving more than me.

I resent that!
I never missed a church parade.

If I go, I'll end up
with armfuls of pamphlets.

Are they free?
No, they're not free. Oh.

Well, they'll not be selling me
any pamphlets.

Hei-ho-ho-ha!

I've got some pamphlets on bayonet
fighting if you're interested.

Bayonet fighting?! All tha's ever
done with a bayonet is polish it!

It was to get the blood off it.
Tha faints when tha sees blood!

Only my own.
I don't faint at the enemy's. Oh!

You're not supposed to spill
your own. That's the whole idea!

How can these young missionaries
go round telling people how to live their lives?

I mean, they don't have ANY idea
how to defend themselves against a ruthless enemy.

Oh, just like thee.

I shall ignore that.

Well, they've got a damn good idea
how to sell pamphlets.

That's how they deal with ruthless
enemies - they sell 'em pamphlets.

They'd have been no good
in the jungle!

Oh, just like thee!

I shall ignore that, too.

Hey up!

Now what?

Did tha see that? What?

A giant, fat lady
came floating up into the air

and then
simply floated down again!

He's gone. He's completely gone.

Yeah.

Well, she would, wouldn't she? It's
what you'd expect fat ladies to do.

Pop up everywhere(!)

He don't believe me. I believe.
She's worked one miracle already -

Foggy bought a round
without arguing.

The man needed a drink.
He's under stress.

I know when I see things
and when I don't. My one flaw is I'm mad about Nora Batty.

A big enough flaw for anyone. What
did she look like, this "vision"?

She were ugly, Norm.

Horrible. Frightening.

Probably an ex-girlfriend of yours.

She were bigger than that -
a giant.

Yeah, but so was that fearsome bird
you used to knock about with.

Who were that?

Well, the one who was a bouncer.

She weren't a bouncer!
She were an assistant manager.

Well, she used to throw people out.
That were only part of her job.

She used to take the money to the
bank and she weren't robbed once!

A responsible position like that
and here she is - popping up all over the place.

It wasn't her.
It were bigger than her!

There she is!

I think he's finally cracked.

Nobody can live
in trousers like that without the tension getting to them.

She were there.
She passed the window.

We understand. Don't upset yourself.

I'm telling you, she were there.
I saw her!

You've been working too hard.

Oh, I wouldn't go as far as that!

She is definitely here!

It's been a long time,

but I'm pretty certain
that is not a fat lady.

What's the bar food like here, lads?
Rubbish.

Nourishing, but nothing fancy.

Rubbish is closer.

They don't use microwaves, do they?
They're all using microwaves.

There's all this global warming,
and still they're using microwaves.

It's in the air. You can't get shut
of it. What are you doing about it?

Don't look at me.
I don't use a microwave.

I still haven't passed toaster.

Good man. I wish there were
more like you. Thank you!

Has tha seen a fat lady? Fat lady?

Don't torture me with fat ladies!

I bet you wished you hadn't
asked that. Oh, I do, Norm.

You were perfectly safe, you know.

Oh, yes. Ah, yes.
I was watching every move.

Aye, just watching.

Tha didn't do anything.

I could have sworn I saw a big,
fat lady floating up in the sky.

You've nothing to worry about.
It's probably a small deficiency in your diet.

Hallucinations are quite common at
your age. And you soon make friends.

There he was - a total stranger...

and within seconds
he's grasping you by the throat!

HORN TOOTS

They do. They use microwaves!

Yeah, but...

Phrrrrht!

Mother, you're in the wrong car!

Well, there's no need to shout.
It could happen to anybody.

Mother, don't you think you ought
to change those glasses? That'll do.

These glasses are all right.
There's a lot of wear left in these glasses.

Until you've been in the jungle,
you don't know what wildlife is!

You think so? Have you ever been
in that pub down Spansyke Street?

I mean places where the insects
are bigger than our animals here.

Well, that's it.
That pub down Spansyke Street!

Give over! I've seen thee hopping
about at the sight of a spider.

Yeah, small spiders, yes.

You see, I'm...I'm used to big
spiders, the size of a dinner plate.

There's one thing you can rely on -
I have strong nerves when it comes to dangerous animals.

Phrrrrht!

What was that?!

Mother! Be quiet. Mother! Be quiet.
But...but, Mother!

Stop criticising the way
I drive - I don't criticise you for being a passenger.

Every time I drive,
you complain about it. You need new glasses! That'll do!

Phrrrrht!

It's him from the pub!

It's Mr Microwave!

There's absolutely nothing
to be nervous about.

I told thee - a giant, fat lady!

Damn thing! Leaky damn thing!

Don't know why she does this to me.
I've always liked fat ladies!

How do, lads?

She's leaking.
Hope she didn't startle you.

Er...how long have you been
playing with balloons?

Playing with balloons? Who is this
person? Watch tha throat, Norm. Yes.

Let me rephrase that.
How long have you had an interest in big, rubber, fat ladies?

I think I'd better rephrase that
as well. He means balloons.

This isn't just a balloon!
This is serious!

It'll be serious when tha wife
finds out tha's going out with big, fat ladies!

She used to be a big, fat lady.

I loved her being a big, fat lady.

Well, maybe not...loved her,

but I was used to her being
a big, fat lady.

She was a serious presence in bed.

Now she's like a rail.

Like being married to a pickle fork!

When are we going to stop
for a rest, Howard? Soon, love.

We've come a long way.
Because it's safer way out here.

Nobody knows us way out here.

I know I've brought you a long way,
love. You're so forceful, Howard.

Well...

a man has to do
what a man has to do.

Oh, Howard!

Oh, Marina!

I just want you
to put yourself in my hands.

It's not easy
when you're holding a bicycle.

I just want you
to leave the planning to me.

I'll always find us places
where we can be together...

unnoticed.
A CAR APPROACHES

There's still a leak.

Where was it leaking before?
I've fixed that one! Oh.

What are you two doing?
Now, come on!

Help the man. Don't just sit there.
Find the leak.

Suppose it blows up? It won't blow
up! Nora Batty often blows up.

You never think,
when you get up in the morning, that by the end of the day,

you're going to be this close
to a big, rubber, fat lady.

DOLL: Phssssht!

It's...it's here. I've found it!

Keep your finger on it.

Ah, that's it. There we are then.
Ah, she's ready!

Ready for what?

A gesture.
I'm going to make a gesture.

Well, he does that
without a balloon!

A serious political gesture.

And you need a balloon?
You have to catch people's attention.

By the throat? No! That's how tha
caught mine! I was under stress.

It's the burden, you know.
The responsibility.

I know you're asking, "Why me?",
but somebody's got to do it. Calm down. Do what?

Save the world.

Oh, that!

I thought we'd done that.

We?

Huh! I don't remember seeing you
where the fighting was thickest.

There you go again.
That pub in Spansyke Street!

Somebody's got to start!
Saving the world from what?

Thin people! Slimming! Health foods!

Help, help! Get him off!
Get him off! Help, get him off!

I don't know what all the fuss was
about. You never will until you get some new glasses. These are fine.

Your eyes have changed.
This is the pair I've always had!

Did you see who it was
at that level crossing?

I never even saw
the level crossing!

Nor me.

I had me eyes firmly shut!

Just like the driver!

It's all right for you lot,
sitting enjoying it.

You forget how much a driver
has to think about.

I keep telling Wesley there's
too many knobs and switches.

And he keeps adding more!

He doesn't add more! You keep
forgetting you used things before.

Oh, I'm not just losing me eyesight.
I'm losing me memory, am I?

I'm not losing MY memory. I saw
who it was at that level crossing!

If we go much further like this,
I'M going to make a gesture.

There isn't enough room
for gestures!

Pull into the next pub.

What for? Well, you need to write
your message. We'll help you.

HORN BLARES

I've got to get the message
through to people.

Well, it'll have to be a short one.
You can't hang much under a balloon.

You try to save the world
and there's always a flaming snag!

Explain it to me. What exactly is
it you want to say in this message?

I want to warn people

against the perils of being thin.

Such as? Elbows.

Have you ever been struck
by a thin person's elbows?

Ooh, I could show you the bruises!

The wife's lethal in bed.

It's like sleeping
with a can opener!

I must say, I prefer cuddly.

Nora Batty is cuddly?

But of course!

I thought everybody knew that!

I think he's right about elbows.

If everybody was thin,
there would be terrific injuries in post office queues.

And slimming does awful things
to people.

Changes their whole personality.

The wife used to like a giggle.

Now she daren't laugh
in case it's fattening.

You'll need a rehearsal
before you go into town.

What happens
if the world springs a leak?

You think the world
might spring a leak?

Well, it floats in space.

So it must be like a balloon.

Well, if it springs a leak, you'll
hear these terrible, rude noises,

you'll go out of your orbit

and skid all over the universe
getting flatter all the time.

I wish I'd never asked!

Does tha think if there's a God,
he'll carry a pump?

Nobody? This is it.

This is the place. This is
what we've been looking for - tranquillity, peace.

Privacy.

"And what do we want
all that for, Howard?", says she with her heart racing.

Look, I've only been waiting
until we found the right place.

Waiting for what, Howard?

There's something I've
always wanted us to try together.

Oh, Howard!

What is it? What is it?

Show me, Howard.

I've always wanted us...
to try the tango.

TANGO MUSIC

Don't scratch it. It could be worth
twice what I've just paid for it.

Twice? You're slipping.

It's usually three times.
Less of your flattery!

Oh, oh, it's too heavy.

Oh, don't think heavy,
think valuable.

Just think - every time you scratch
it, that's a pound off your wages.

What wages?

I'm speaking figuratively.

Now, have you got it safely?
It's all right. It's perfectly safe.

I'm...I'm too tall for heavy.

Tall's not for lifting.
Tall's for elegant and suave.

You get attached to things.

Just remember that when you get
to my age you get very sentimental about damaging your profit margins.

- I'd hate you to drop it.
- Nobody's going to drop it.

Why should we drop it?

Right...on my signal.

How come it's his signal? It's my
balloon, how come it's his signal?!

Well, we find it easier not to ask.
Tha'll get used to it.

Now, will you pay attention here?!

When I drop my arm, I want you to
raise the balloon, gently...GENTLY.

How long's he been like this?
He used to be a Nazi.

Until he was thrown out
for excessive force.

Right, prepare to raise balloon.

On my signal...

One...two...three...

Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina!

You do a lovely tango, Howard. It's
because I'm relaxed. We're all alone.

There's nobody watching...

Phrrrrht!

Phrrrrht!

Well, a right boghole you made of
that! You let it go. It just went!

I've never been good
with fat ladies!

Phrrrrht!

You were right. I did need
new glasses. These are much better.

You're certainly driving better.

ALL: Aagh!

CRASH!

Can we have our balloon back?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2006

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