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1
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:42,880
It's always the same - trouble.
What's the matter with him now?
2
00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:48,340
He's got indigestion.
What's he been eating? Paper.
3
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:55,500
Well, I hope you give him
a bit of good gravy with it. It's not mine. It's HER paper.
4
00:00:55,500 --> 00:01:02,360
He thinks I don't know.
He gets these notes from... you know who.
5
00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:07,340
Then he swallows them
for security purposes.
6
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:13,340
Wouldn't be so bad,
but it's scented notepaper.
7
00:01:15,180 --> 00:01:19,160
NORA BATTY:
You cheeky monkey!
8
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:25,900
What's up with him?
He's movin' fast for a late riser.
9
00:01:30,860 --> 00:01:32,920
Oh.
10
00:01:34,380 --> 00:01:37,460
I wish she wouldn't wear that hat.
11
00:01:41,660 --> 00:01:47,480
KNOCK AT DOOR
If that's you, Howard, the answer is no.
12
00:01:48,780 --> 00:01:51,260
It's not Howard.
13
00:01:59,020 --> 00:02:03,980
Get your coat on.
I want to show you something.
14
00:02:03,980 --> 00:02:09,660
Whenever you appear, Foggy,
I feel like I'm in the army again.
15
00:02:09,660 --> 00:02:16,540
Funnily enough,
I thought about the army this morning - lying in bed.
16
00:02:16,540 --> 00:02:23,180
That was one thing
the army was never good at - lying in bed.
17
00:02:23,180 --> 00:02:30,240
Ah, I miss it, you know.
The excitement, and the danger and the blood.
18
00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:34,280
You fainted on your first
inoculation.
19
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:40,420
Yes, well, I wasn't battle hardened
then, was I? Get your coat on.
20
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:48,140
All right, I'll not do it again.
You said that last time.
21
00:02:48,140 --> 00:02:52,180
I were lying.
How do I know you're not lying now?
22
00:02:52,180 --> 00:02:59,700
It's one of life's uncertainties.
You shouldn't take advantage of a widow woman living alone.
23
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:07,160
There's no need to be alone.
I can move in wi' thee. You can stay where you are.
24
00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:15,400
It were just an idea. No,
not JUST an idea. Don't be modest. It's the WORST idea I've ever heard.
25
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:24,140
I'll wear thee down.
Give me twenty years and I'll have thee like that!
26
00:03:24,140 --> 00:03:26,540
Bah!
27
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:30,680
Not like that. Like that.
28
00:03:36,820 --> 00:03:39,880
All right, well give us a clue.
29
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:44,780
What's this thing
you're gonna show me? You'll see.
30
00:03:44,780 --> 00:03:51,420
Straighten up, man!
Chest out, shoulders back. You look a disgrace.
31
00:03:51,420 --> 00:03:57,920
Nobody's gonna mistake you
for Errol Flynn this morning. I can't help it.
32
00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:03,340
I've been up half the night
with indigestion. Marina's notes...
33
00:04:03,340 --> 00:04:06,540
He eats them for security purposes.
34
00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:14,380
That's good practice.
I see nothing wrong with that. Scented notepaper?
35
00:04:14,380 --> 00:04:18,520
It's not funny.
Yes, it is, Howard.
36
00:04:38,220 --> 00:04:44,960
Come inside. Browse around.
No obligation. No thanks, love. Just looking.
37
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:48,400
Is that your last word?
Definitely.
38
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,560
Aah! Ohh!
What's wrong, love?
39
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:59,720
It's just me kidneys.
If I could just find me way back inside...
40
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:05,020
When the pain comes,
everything's just a blur. Ohhhh!
41
00:05:05,620 --> 00:05:08,520
Oh, is that you, mother?
42
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,780
How much further?
43
00:05:22,780 --> 00:05:25,440
We're here.
44
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:30,820
What's round here so special
to show us? This.
45
00:05:32,980 --> 00:05:35,660
A hole in the road?
46
00:05:35,660 --> 00:05:40,200
Maybe it's his favourite
hole in the road.
47
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:45,440
Don't start taking the mickey.
Just look at the size of it.
48
00:05:46,540 --> 00:05:49,600
What does it remind you of?
49
00:05:51,260 --> 00:05:53,920
Well, look at it!
50
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:58,140
Come on. You remember.
The old slit trench.
51
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:09,460
I noticed it yesterday.
I thought, yes, the old slit trench!
52
00:06:09,460 --> 00:06:17,020
Tha means tha's brought us
all this way to look at a hole in the road? It's not just a hole.
53
00:06:17,020 --> 00:06:19,500
It's a memory.
54
00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:29,780
That'll be one forty-five, please.
55
00:06:31,420 --> 00:06:33,880
Thank you.
56
00:06:37,660 --> 00:06:40,300
Would you like a bag, sir?
57
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:44,840
What a pleasant young lady,
whoever she is.
58
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:49,660
I might take advantage
of your kind offer.
59
00:06:50,780 --> 00:06:54,180
Thank you. Call again.
60
00:06:54,180 --> 00:06:57,080
I will, I will.
61
00:07:11,380 --> 00:07:13,900
Oh, goody.
62
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:16,360
Another note.
63
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:25,580
Well, go on, then.
Get the feel of it.
64
00:07:25,580 --> 00:07:28,620
Isn't it just the right size?
65
00:07:28,620 --> 00:07:33,020
I told you.
His favourite hole in the road.
66
00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:41,060
Think of it as a slit trench.
The infantryman's friend. It's great, this is.
67
00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:45,160
We should run guided tours
of this hole.
68
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:50,020
We'd be safe here
from anything but a direct hit.
69
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:59,460
How long are we going
to have to stand here wearing this slit trench?
70
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:03,740
I must say it brings back memories.
71
00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:11,940
You know, I've always wanted
to dig one of these, but I knew he'd never put his back into it.
72
00:08:11,940 --> 00:08:16,360
Can we go now?
I feel real barmy in here.
73
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:21,100
Why should you feel barmy?
Three men in a hole.
74
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:26,140
There's no-one watching.
I mean, we're on our own.
75
00:08:26,140 --> 00:08:28,580
VEHICLE APPROACHING
76
00:08:45,623 --> 00:08:48,623
BURPING
77
00:08:48,623 --> 00:08:51,303
Ah, the first cuckoo.
78
00:08:55,403 --> 00:09:01,463
Hey up, Howard!
Has tha been getting more notes?
79
00:09:01,463 --> 00:09:09,443
It must be nice to be wanted.
Does she write you long notes, Howard? No, thank goodness.
80
00:09:09,443 --> 00:09:16,403
Tell her to change her perfume.
Tell her to try bacon and onion flavour.
81
00:09:28,023 --> 00:09:30,503
Shop!
82
00:09:31,503 --> 00:09:36,363
I can hear you.
You don't have to shout.
83
00:09:36,363 --> 00:09:40,403
Hey up.
Tha gets rapid service round here.
84
00:09:40,403 --> 00:09:47,223
Three of your delicious teas,
please, Ivy. We'll have less flannel from you.
85
00:09:47,223 --> 00:09:50,183
I was just leaving.
86
00:09:50,883 --> 00:09:57,923
Come here.
Now, get your teas, sit down and behave yourselves.
87
00:09:57,923 --> 00:10:05,123
That's no way to speak
to someone who's spent years living in an 'ole.
88
00:10:05,123 --> 00:10:10,203
There's something about a hole
that sounds very reasonable.
89
00:10:19,763 --> 00:10:23,183
SLURPING
90
00:10:24,643 --> 00:10:29,203
I'll have you fitted
with a silencer.
91
00:10:29,203 --> 00:10:35,303
It's embarrassing, isn't it?
We should have left him in the trench.
92
00:10:35,303 --> 00:10:40,043
Those workmen thought
we were crackers.
93
00:10:40,043 --> 00:10:43,943
They were right.
Three blokes in an 'ole!
94
00:10:43,943 --> 00:10:48,323
You've no nostalgia for the war,
have you?
95
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:52,943
Foggy, some people didn't like it.
96
00:10:52,943 --> 00:10:55,483
Pure prejudice.
97
00:10:55,483 --> 00:11:02,883
The only thing tha can say about it,
is tha made some good mates. You mean that fat ATS girl?
98
00:11:02,883 --> 00:11:07,923
No, I don't. I mean mates.
Blokes. Goughy.
99
00:11:07,923 --> 00:11:14,243
Me and Goughy were very close.
We swore a vow of eternal friendship.
100
00:11:14,243 --> 00:11:21,423
How long is it
since you've seen him? I was thinking about him last November.
101
00:11:21,423 --> 00:11:28,463
Six months before that
I come across his photograph. How long since I've seen him?
102
00:11:28,463 --> 00:11:30,983
Fifty year.
103
00:11:33,083 --> 00:11:35,703
That's some eternal friendship.
104
00:11:35,703 --> 00:11:40,343
Well, you know how it is.
You get busy.
105
00:11:40,343 --> 00:11:47,823
You haven't seen him for fifty
years? We passed each other once on the bus. We waved.
106
00:11:47,823 --> 00:11:51,983
You mean he lives round here?
Huddersfield.
107
00:11:51,983 --> 00:11:58,903
Well, good grief, man.
Isn't it time you looked him up? I wouldn't mind a drink with Goughy.
108
00:11:58,903 --> 00:12:06,823
Are you sure you want to bring back
all those memories? Him and Goughy had a terrible war.
109
00:12:06,823 --> 00:12:11,723
What - him?
In what way, a terrible war?
110
00:12:11,723 --> 00:12:15,723
Well, you never saw
that fat ATS girl.
111
00:12:15,723 --> 00:12:19,203
Oh, she were a tight lass,
were that.
112
00:12:19,203 --> 00:12:25,003
That's how me and Goughy
got together. Nobody else'd tackle her.
113
00:12:25,003 --> 00:12:30,443
It's those quiet acts of bravery
that you really admire.
114
00:12:30,443 --> 00:12:35,323
So what happened to this girl?
She ran off with a Yank.
115
00:12:35,323 --> 00:12:37,783
Probably under her arm.
116
00:12:37,783 --> 00:12:40,423
What was her name?
117
00:12:40,423 --> 00:12:46,963
Cicely. Named after a big island
in the Med. You can understand why.
118
00:12:54,243 --> 00:12:59,023
I'm sure I had Goughy's address
in here somewhere.
119
00:12:59,023 --> 00:13:01,463
Hey up.
120
00:13:01,463 --> 00:13:05,143
PIERCING WHISTLE
121
00:13:13,723 --> 00:13:16,303
Hey up.
122
00:13:17,623 --> 00:13:20,583
I wondered where thee were.
123
00:13:21,683 --> 00:13:24,803
Will tha get down off my furniture!
124
00:13:26,963 --> 00:13:29,783
Where is it?
125
00:13:29,783 --> 00:13:36,683
It's gone upstairs.
He's looking for his mate. You great big Lulu!
126
00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:40,663
Look at him!
Supposed to be used to jungles.
127
00:13:40,663 --> 00:13:43,203
I AM used to jungles.
128
00:13:43,203 --> 00:13:48,723
But this place is more terrifying.
Why keep your ferrets in a drawer?
129
00:13:48,723 --> 00:13:51,623
You never used to be that tidy.
130
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:54,703
He must've sneaked in.
131
00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:57,163
What's this?
132
00:13:59,483 --> 00:14:03,243
By heck, she were ugly.
133
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:08,003
Good grief! What was that?
I can't remember.
134
00:14:08,003 --> 00:14:12,503
Well, that must be a relief.
It is. Ooh. Ooh.
135
00:14:13,883 --> 00:14:16,763
Watch what you're doin'!
136
00:14:16,763 --> 00:14:19,843
I'm doin' this as a favour.
137
00:14:19,843 --> 00:14:25,203
You're wobbling.
It's these steps that are wobbling.
138
00:14:25,203 --> 00:14:31,363
They're good steps.
My husband used these steps. He was a midget.
139
00:14:31,363 --> 00:14:35,003
He was of average height.
For a midget.
140
00:14:35,003 --> 00:14:42,183
He was very good with pigeons.
Well, he could look 'em in the eye, couldn't he?
141
00:14:47,843 --> 00:14:53,323
How is it possible not to remember
something as ugly as that?
142
00:14:53,323 --> 00:14:58,863
I don't think you should
question it. Just accept it.
143
00:14:58,863 --> 00:15:02,043
Are you sure it wasn't your wife?
144
00:15:02,043 --> 00:15:04,163
No.
145
00:15:10,523 --> 00:15:15,383
I couldn't have married
summat like that.
146
00:15:15,383 --> 00:15:22,743
Were you sober at the time?
I couldn't have been, if I married that. I hope I did, though.
147
00:15:22,743 --> 00:15:30,363
Why on earth do you say that?
Because my wife ran off with a chuffing Pole. Serves him right.
148
00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:37,783
It's incredible that you can't
remember your wife. She weren't around all that long.
149
00:15:38,903 --> 00:15:41,623
We can all understand why.
150
00:15:41,623 --> 00:15:44,743
What the hell is this?
151
00:15:48,923 --> 00:15:51,983
It's a hand-operated siren.
152
00:15:51,983 --> 00:15:56,043
You've had an interesting life,
haven't you?
153
00:15:56,043 --> 00:16:00,983
Wives you can't remember
and portable hand-sirens.
154
00:16:00,983 --> 00:16:08,563
You're not stirring it enough.
It's not going on evenly. You've got to keep stirring it.
155
00:16:08,563 --> 00:16:14,483
Listen, I'm a mechanic,
not a painter. You paint like a mechanic.
156
00:16:15,163 --> 00:16:20,423
Now, don't splash it about.
And try not to spill it.
157
00:16:23,803 --> 00:16:26,663
SIREN BLARES
158
00:16:29,483 --> 00:16:33,523
It works.
Yeah, well don't do it again.
159
00:16:33,523 --> 00:16:38,323
It really works.
More than we can say for its owner.
160
00:16:38,323 --> 00:16:43,923
That noise could take the plaque
off your teeth. Where'd you get it?
161
00:16:43,923 --> 00:16:50,683
I can't remember.
Can't remember his wife. I can, and that's not her.
162
00:16:50,683 --> 00:16:58,483
Can't remember where he got
his siren. Maybe they came together. Maybe she brought it as a gift.
163
00:16:58,483 --> 00:17:01,583
The ugly bird and the siren.
164
00:17:01,583 --> 00:17:04,763
Why would she have a siren?
165
00:17:04,763 --> 00:17:12,263
I don't know, but she's got
the sort of face that seems to go with a portable hand-siren.
166
00:17:12,263 --> 00:17:15,523
I bet you could sell this.
167
00:17:15,523 --> 00:17:19,183
Which is more than you could say
for this.
168
00:17:20,763 --> 00:17:26,403
Sell it? Certainly.
It's a genuine wartime curiosity.
169
00:17:26,403 --> 00:17:32,563
It's worth money.
It's a collectors' item. KNOCK AT DOOR
170
00:17:34,603 --> 00:17:37,043
Was it you?
171
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:06,083
But, do I WANT to sell it?
172
00:18:06,083 --> 00:18:10,123
Don't say it's got
sentimental value.
173
00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:15,183
You don't want to keep
a noisy damn thing like that.
174
00:18:15,183 --> 00:18:22,063
It makes a great row.
Does tha think I could give it another go? Well...
175
00:18:22,063 --> 00:18:27,823
You could, out here.
There's nobody about out here. Right.
176
00:18:28,823 --> 00:18:32,843
SIREN SOUNDS
177
00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:40,043
We weren't doing anything.
178
00:18:40,043 --> 00:18:45,203
I was just showing this young lady
how to thin out her seedlings.
179
00:18:58,503 --> 00:19:02,703
But why does he eat
scented notepaper?
180
00:19:02,703 --> 00:19:05,843
Security purposes.
181
00:19:05,843 --> 00:19:08,803
I wonder if it's fattening.
182
00:19:08,803 --> 00:19:14,183
Ooh, I couldn't do it raw.
I'd have to have a dip with it.
183
00:19:14,183 --> 00:19:19,203
But if you know about the notes,
why does he have to eat them?
184
00:19:19,203 --> 00:19:25,763
Well, he doesn't know I know
he gets notes. You mustn't let them know you know.
185
00:19:25,763 --> 00:19:30,123
No. They go to pieces
if they know you know.
186
00:19:30,123 --> 00:19:34,563
And there's no telling what happens
if they go to pieces.
187
00:19:34,563 --> 00:19:39,523
Your father kicks tyres
and mutters under his breath.
188
00:19:39,523 --> 00:19:44,883
Don't you mind your husband
getting notes like that?
189
00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:47,603
It's a delicate balance, love.
190
00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:55,223
Can't let 'em go too far,
but if you put the lid on it, they're stuck at home all day.
191
00:19:56,603 --> 00:20:03,683
No, you can't do with them
under your feet all day. They're not meant for indoors.
192
00:20:03,683 --> 00:20:09,783
They can't sit still in a chair.
They're incompatible with furniture.
193
00:20:09,783 --> 00:20:15,803
That's the worst thing
about retirement. They're under your feet all day.
194
00:20:15,803 --> 00:20:22,603
Me father isn't.
He's always in his shed. And who bought him the shed?
195
00:20:27,323 --> 00:20:29,823
I'm not going in.
196
00:20:29,823 --> 00:20:37,403
We're selling, not buying.
That won't save you. You'll need stronger magic than that.
197
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:43,343
Does tha think
she'll want to buy a siren? She buys anything.
198
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:46,963
Where else are you going
to sell it?
199
00:20:46,963 --> 00:20:49,783
He's right, Norm. I'm not going in.
200
00:20:54,663 --> 00:20:59,843
AUNTIE'S VOICE BOOMING OUT
'You're on close-circuit television.
201
00:20:59,843 --> 00:21:08,123
'Your every move is being picked up
on infra-red detectors. Wait till I strike this thief.'
202
00:21:08,123 --> 00:21:10,863
Oh, it's you.
203
00:21:10,863 --> 00:21:13,523
Where's the other one?
204
00:21:13,523 --> 00:21:16,423
Oh, he's outside. He won't come in.
205
00:21:16,423 --> 00:21:20,443
Won't come in?!
What kind of an attitude is that?
206
00:21:20,443 --> 00:21:28,223
Does he expect folk to sell him
things while he's on the pavement? Talk about unfair trading.
207
00:21:32,143 --> 00:21:35,363
How many sugars in your tea?
208
00:21:35,363 --> 00:21:43,163
Oh...well...that's very kind
of you, Auntie Wainwright. Two, please. Milk? Yes, thank you.
209
00:21:47,023 --> 00:21:49,523
KEY TURNED IN LOCK
210
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:53,423
I'll make it in a minute.
211
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:59,963
Now then, I hope you haven't come
to take advantage of an old lady.
212
00:21:59,963 --> 00:22:07,063
We're selling this time, Auntie,
not buying. I'll second that. Selling? Yes.
213
00:22:07,063 --> 00:22:13,063
In perfect condition.
A manually operated siren, worked by hand.
214
00:22:23,083 --> 00:22:27,763
If I bought it
I'd be taking a chance, wouldn't I?
215
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:35,263
On what? Suppose I bought it
and there wasn't another war? There'd be no demand, would there?
216
00:22:35,263 --> 00:22:38,263
I'd be stuck with it, wouldn't I?
217
00:22:43,823 --> 00:22:46,963
Oh, it makes you wonder.
218
00:22:46,963 --> 00:22:52,883
D'you think ours
ever had to swallow any scented notepaper?
219
00:22:52,883 --> 00:23:00,203
Not my Wally. He might've left me
for a good racing pigeon, but not for scented notepaper.
220
00:23:00,203 --> 00:23:05,443
I suppose so. I can't imagine Sid
eating scented notepaper.
221
00:23:05,443 --> 00:23:10,903
He was never much for anything
that didn't have chips with it.
222
00:23:16,603 --> 00:23:24,163
I were better off with a siren.
Rubbish. We've got a bargain here. We were gonna sell it, not swap it.
223
00:23:24,163 --> 00:23:31,283
What's the difference?
I can't put this on the gee-gees! Well, you're on a winner then.
224
00:23:31,283 --> 00:23:39,503
He went straight past me
without a word. What's up with him? He's wondering what to do with this.
225
00:23:39,503 --> 00:23:42,963
I've got a few ideas.
226
00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:45,403
What is it?
227
00:23:45,403 --> 00:23:52,803
It's a genuine cedarwood flagpole.
We have a certificate to prove it. Show them, Clegg.
228
00:23:54,563 --> 00:23:59,163
What's he want
with a genuine cedarwood flagpole?
229
00:23:59,163 --> 00:24:05,923
That's what I said.
I dare say we shall find a use for it. Forward!
230
00:24:22,983 --> 00:24:27,643
What is it?
It's a genuine cedarwood flagpole.
231
00:24:33,423 --> 00:24:36,423
Hey up! Pearl's coming.
232
00:25:11,763 --> 00:25:14,343
GEARS CRASHING
233
00:25:14,343 --> 00:25:18,383
Mother, are you sure
you enjoy driving?
234
00:25:18,383 --> 00:25:21,763
Your father's always asking me that.
235
00:25:21,763 --> 00:25:25,203
Mother, look where you're going!
Oh, yes.
236
00:25:25,203 --> 00:25:28,203
TOOTS HORN
237
00:25:33,923 --> 00:25:38,483
Wasn't that Mr Dewhirst
with a flagpole?
238
00:25:39,643 --> 00:25:47,163
Women drivers! Hey up,
one of my favourite women were a driver. A DUMPER driver.
239
00:25:47,163 --> 00:25:49,923
Phrrzzzz!
240
00:25:56,163 --> 00:26:00,283
Didn't I tell you
she'd look splendid?
241
00:26:00,483 --> 00:26:07,503
Here, Clegg, take those,
get in the trench - watch your front. What about me?
242
00:26:07,503 --> 00:26:12,003
You can be in charge
of entertainment. OK.
243
00:26:12,003 --> 00:26:17,463
# There was a man, he had a wife
and she was double-jointed... # No.
244
00:26:17,463 --> 00:26:20,263
Entertainment. Oh.
245
00:26:24,023 --> 00:26:27,083
You don't like my notes, Howard?
246
00:26:27,083 --> 00:26:31,463
I love your notes.
It's just the paper.
247
00:26:31,463 --> 00:26:36,923
Why should we be in the paper?
Just because I write you notes.
248
00:26:36,923 --> 00:26:39,703
Is there going to be a scandal?
249
00:26:39,703 --> 00:26:42,403
Will there be pictures?
250
00:26:42,403 --> 00:26:46,263
Tell me there's not going
to be a scandal.
251
00:26:46,263 --> 00:26:49,223
I shan't know what to wear.
252
00:26:55,203 --> 00:27:00,903
All we need now to complete
the effect is an advancing tank.
253
00:27:29,323 --> 00:27:34,323
Your father's got to do something
about this steering.
254
00:27:34,323 --> 00:27:36,523
Mother!
255
00:27:56,683 --> 00:28:01,663
Subtitles by Wilma Campbell
BBC Scotland 1995
256
00:28:01,713 --> 00:28:06,263
Repair and Synchronization by
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