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1
00:00:54,640 --> 00:01:00,260
'Ey up, Smiler! Ohh...!
Has she got thee outdoors already?
2
00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:08,880
She's had me out here an hour!
"Don't be under me feet," she says. "Go and enjoy some nice fresh air."
3
00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:14,040
Well, tha certainly looks as though
tha's really enjoying it (!)
4
00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:20,080
All I want from life is to sit
indoors and watch a bit of telly.
5
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:24,800
Come on! Let's start counting
a few blessings.
6
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:29,140
One - she's a good cook.
Aye, she is.
7
00:01:29,140 --> 00:01:32,100
Two - she is totally desirable.
8
00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:34,800
She's a good cook.
9
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:42,120
Don't you ever look at her
and think, "Here I am alone with this attractive woman"?
10
00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:48,100
No, never! It's more like "Here I am
alone with this terrifying..."
11
00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:51,100
Can't you find something to do!?
12
00:01:51,100 --> 00:01:53,740
I'm off for some fresh air!
13
00:01:53,740 --> 00:01:56,180
What are YOU doing?
14
00:01:56,180 --> 00:01:59,200
Well, it's a sort of pilgrimage.
15
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:05,100
Some people go to Elvis Presley's
house. I go to Nora Batty's steps.
16
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:12,140
You dozy beggar! Get away!
You make the place look untidy.
17
00:02:12,140 --> 00:02:19,100
I'm going, I'm going.
But I think I ought to warn you. Warn me...? About what...?
18
00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:21,920
It's only fair you be warned.
19
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:31,560
I'll just say this - tha should be
very careful of a certain person.
20
00:02:32,540 --> 00:02:34,580
Who!?
21
00:02:34,580 --> 00:02:36,320
Me!
22
00:02:44,580 --> 00:02:47,280
Invite me out!
23
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:52,380
I beg your pardon!?
Ask me to go for a walk.
24
00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:56,460
Howard, we are friends, but...
25
00:02:56,460 --> 00:02:58,940
Make it sound natural.
26
00:02:58,940 --> 00:03:02,560
It DOESN'T sound natural to me!
27
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:07,680
Knock on the door and tell Pearl
you're ready. For what!?
28
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:14,400
For a walk! I'm not going for a walk
with Pearl! I'd rather go with you!
29
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:19,680
You're GOING with me! Tell her
you've come to call for me.
30
00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:23,760
Oh...!
31
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:38,040
No, he's not going for a walk!
32
00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:43,380
And tell him to shut that window
and get on with his housework!
33
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:12,600
Ahem... Have you anything
on silent killing?
34
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:19,880
If we HAVE, you'll find it
under Sports and Pastimes.
35
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:24,880
How about unarmed combat
for the over-60s?
36
00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:30,360
All I could find for the over-60s
is old-time dancing.
37
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:35,520
You can hardly
Veleta a mugger to death, can you?
38
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:39,940
Haven't you anything
on strangulation?
39
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:45,740
It isn't as though
I haven't been trained.
40
00:04:45,740 --> 00:04:49,320
But maybe it's been updated.
41
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:57,560
Probably done by remote control now.
W-we have nothing of that nature...
42
00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:02,400
Typical ! Shelves full
of doctor and nurse romances!
43
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:07,320
Just hard luck if you're interested
in strangulation!
44
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:14,940
Ah, well. I'll have to stick
to the old techniques. HAI-EEE !
45
00:05:19,940 --> 00:05:22,920
It was a perfectly routine request!
46
00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:28,000
It's ridiculous to suggest I was
making a noise in the library!
47
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:32,540
I was asking for books
on silent killing!
48
00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:39,980
Does that sound like someone
who'd make a noise in a library!? Silent killing!? You ARE weird!
49
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:46,380
Weird!? I'll have you know
that was my profession!
50
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:54,660
I thought you had a duty
to keep material for the benefit of the home hobbyist!
51
00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,400
^
SMASHING PLATES
52
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:04,480
PEARL:
Don't give me that old rubbish!
53
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:08,700
I'm sick of your lies!
But...
54
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:16,800
One of those days, Howard?
It's the only kind I get.
55
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:22,320
I don't know why,
but she never believes a word I say.
56
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:27,580
Even when I'm lying. And I'm
pretty convincing when I'm lying.
57
00:06:27,580 --> 00:06:30,000
No, you're not!
58
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:38,680
See what I mean? How did YOU go on
with lying when you were married?
59
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:43,380
Well, I always found it easier
to tell the truth.
60
00:06:43,380 --> 00:06:50,820
That's a nice thing to say!
You ask a friend for advice and he tells you stuff like that!
61
00:06:50,820 --> 00:06:53,640
Advice like that could kill you!
62
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:59,560
Mind you, I didn't have a problem
like Marina.
63
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:04,640
We had the Second World War,
but that was over in a few years.
64
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:27,020
Is something wrong with the tea?
No, it's fine.
65
00:07:27,020 --> 00:07:29,860
You don't LOOK as if it's fine!
66
00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:35,080
It's a good cup of tea.
67
00:08:00,260 --> 00:08:04,680
That man, what are you doing!?
Sshhh!
68
00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:09,620
What's he doing!? He's listening
at the door. I can see that!
69
00:08:09,620 --> 00:08:16,920
But what's he listening FOR ?
I think it's disgusting, listening at people's doors!
70
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:22,120
Maybe there's something interesting
going on. That's no excuse. SHUSH !
71
00:08:23,180 --> 00:08:26,200
What is it? I can't hear anything.
72
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:31,280
What are we listening for?
Be quiet! I think she's singing.
73
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:37,360
Nora Batty singing!?
I could have sworn I heard her.
74
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:42,280
Ye gods! That's the most
sinister thing I've ever heard!
75
00:08:50,980 --> 00:08:57,300
Do we have to?
Yes! It won't hurt you once every 10 years.
76
00:08:57,300 --> 00:08:59,980
What won't hurt him?
77
00:08:59,980 --> 00:09:02,840
Taking me shopping to Huddersfield.
78
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:06,760
Ten years?
It seems like five!
79
00:09:07,940 --> 00:09:15,660
Two teas, please.
They don't like shopping. They don't like ANYTHING normal.
80
00:09:15,660 --> 00:09:18,380
Why do we have to go by bus?
81
00:09:18,380 --> 00:09:27,680
Because if we go by car
we'll get halfway there and you'll start tinkering with the engine!
82
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:33,040
Well, I am not taking you
round Huddersfield covered in oil !
83
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:38,620
What kind of example is that to make
..when you're using a CREDIT CARD ?
84
00:09:40,860 --> 00:09:47,660
If I promise not to tinker,
can we go by car? No! You can't resist it.
85
00:09:53,180 --> 00:10:00,200
What's up with him?
I don't know if there's anything. I think he's ALWAYS like that.
86
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:05,060
I've had three customers
turn round and go out!
87
00:10:05,060 --> 00:10:12,540
Take one look at a face like that,
gives you no confidence in the catering standards.
88
00:10:20,743 --> 00:10:26,303
Well, I didn't hear her singing.
Me neither, and I'm glad about that.
89
00:10:26,303 --> 00:10:31,543
It's flying in the face of Nature,
Nora Batty singing.
90
00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:37,583
Well, I think I heard her singing.
It's unlikely. WHY would she sing?
91
00:10:37,583 --> 00:10:43,583
Why would she sing? Because she's
HAPPY because she's got a lodger!
92
00:10:43,583 --> 00:10:50,243
That's absurd! I've never known her
to be happy! Have you? Never.
93
00:10:50,243 --> 00:10:56,743
She's in love.
Yeah, with polished surfaces and clean steps.
94
00:10:56,743 --> 00:11:00,643
With Smiler. With Smiler!?
95
00:11:00,643 --> 00:11:03,363
Old happy-go-lucky Smiler (?)
96
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:09,263
Why not? Because she chucks him out
every morning at the crack of dawn!
97
00:11:09,263 --> 00:11:14,103
She bullies him rotten.
That could be just bluff.
98
00:11:15,543 --> 00:11:20,143
'Morning, ladies. 'Morning, Eli.
'Morning, Eli. 'Morning, Eli.
99
00:11:21,763 --> 00:11:27,263
Nobody in their right minds
would fall in love with Smiler.
100
00:11:27,263 --> 00:11:32,883
It would take someone who was
very fond of depressed bloodhounds.
101
00:11:32,883 --> 00:11:36,463
What do you think, Norm? He's right.
102
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:42,383
Smiler drove his wife so potty
she went to Australia.
103
00:11:42,383 --> 00:11:45,523
..I wish I could be sure.
104
00:11:46,523 --> 00:11:49,723
I promise, it really was Australia.
105
00:11:49,723 --> 00:11:52,303
CRASH !
106
00:11:52,303 --> 00:11:57,723
HELP ! There's something inside
these railings grabbing me leg!
107
00:12:01,283 --> 00:12:03,263
90p.
108
00:12:07,303 --> 00:12:13,783
'Ey up! Is this Wesley in a soo-it?
It's a day for surprises.
109
00:12:13,783 --> 00:12:18,763
He wears it like a civilian.
He IS a civilian! And it shows.
110
00:12:18,763 --> 00:12:22,143
Looks like someone died. The suit!
111
00:12:24,323 --> 00:12:28,323
Wesley! We can't stand here
gossiping!
112
00:12:28,323 --> 00:12:33,583
Where's tha going, Wesley?
To Huddersfield - shopping!
113
00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:40,403
I'm sorry to hear that, Wesley.
If there's anything we can do to help...
114
00:12:40,403 --> 00:12:43,083
Time is a great healer.
115
00:12:43,083 --> 00:12:45,503
Are you coming!?
116
00:12:47,823 --> 00:12:51,003
OH !! THREE TEAS, PLEASE, IVY !
117
00:12:56,323 --> 00:12:59,183
Does he LOOK happy?
118
00:12:59,183 --> 00:13:04,443
If his ears were a bit longer
he'd look like a basset hound.
119
00:13:04,443 --> 00:13:07,503
A sort of Down-in-the-Mush Puppy.
120
00:13:09,023 --> 00:13:14,183
I still say it could be a bluff.
Why should it be a bluff!?
121
00:13:14,183 --> 00:13:19,043
It could be a mask he and Nora
are hiding their happiness behind.
122
00:13:19,043 --> 00:13:21,063
Oh...!
123
00:13:21,623 --> 00:13:25,563
Here. How long has he been here?
124
00:13:25,563 --> 00:13:27,683
Forever.
125
00:13:27,683 --> 00:13:35,303
He comes in when Nora throws him out.
I wouldn't mind if he were cheerful, but he puts me customers off.
126
00:13:35,303 --> 00:13:40,923
You see? I still say it could be
a bluff. Aw...! Aw...!
127
00:13:40,923 --> 00:13:43,523
Ivy, pardon me for asking,
128
00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:48,103
but could a woman of your age
fall in love?
129
00:13:50,743 --> 00:13:56,063
Don't think I don't appreciate
the offer, but no thanks!
130
00:13:56,063 --> 00:14:01,203
I'm speaking generally.
Oh, speaking generally?
131
00:14:01,203 --> 00:14:04,263
Fall in love? I don't think so.
132
00:14:04,263 --> 00:14:09,843
It would require more confidence
in the male than we have left!
133
00:14:50,743 --> 00:14:58,263
How can anyone call Smiler happy!?
It's a terrible thing to say about ANYBODY !
134
00:14:58,263 --> 00:15:03,363
You'd feel such a fool if
everybody thought you were happy.
135
00:15:03,363 --> 00:15:10,443
He's the last person in the world
to accuse of being happy. It could be a disguise!
136
00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:13,363
Then he's been wearing it forever.
137
00:15:13,363 --> 00:15:18,343
The bottom dropped out of my world
when I heard Nora Batty singing.
138
00:15:19,443 --> 00:15:26,883
It doesn't mean she's entangled
romantically with her lodger. Then why was she singing!?
139
00:15:26,883 --> 00:15:29,923
There could be a number of reasons.
140
00:15:29,923 --> 00:15:35,483
She could be in love with a number
of people. Stop upsetting him!
141
00:15:35,483 --> 00:15:43,163
I've got to be sure!
Why don't you take my word for it? Have I ever put you wrong?
142
00:15:43,163 --> 00:15:45,823
All the time!
143
00:15:45,823 --> 00:15:54,023
I don't know how you can say that!
I don't know how you could think that I would ever lead you wrong.
144
00:15:54,023 --> 00:15:56,703
MARTIAL MUSIC
145
00:15:56,703 --> 00:16:01,743
You're in the hands
of former Corporal Dewhurst,
146
00:16:01,743 --> 00:16:06,903
with all that means
in terms of security... PEEP !!
147
00:16:15,123 --> 00:16:20,303
There's only one way to settle
this - ask him point-blank. We...
148
00:16:21,583 --> 00:16:23,463
Oh...
149
00:16:23,463 --> 00:16:26,723
Oh, you again!
150
00:16:26,723 --> 00:16:32,843
Have you seen Smiler? I've seen
too damn much of him! Where is he?
151
00:16:32,843 --> 00:16:35,763
I don't care where he is!
152
00:16:35,763 --> 00:16:39,583
I do! I care very much where he is!
153
00:16:39,583 --> 00:16:42,303
That man, come here...!
154
00:16:59,703 --> 00:17:04,823
What do YOU want!? Don't speak to me
in that seductive voice!
155
00:17:04,823 --> 00:17:07,443
I know what tha's up to!
156
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:13,223
Just tell him to come outside!
Tell who!? Don't give me that!
157
00:17:13,223 --> 00:17:18,303
After all we've been to each other!
WHO'S been to each other!?
158
00:17:18,303 --> 00:17:25,363
Tell him I want a word with him!
Tell who!? Thy lodger, the great long dollop!
159
00:17:25,363 --> 00:17:34,043
He's not in here. You don't think
he has privileges I wouldn't extend to me husband when he was alive?
160
00:17:34,043 --> 00:17:41,283
Are you sure? You wouldn't lie
to me? Of course I'm sure. Are you deaf or what?
161
00:17:42,963 --> 00:17:49,603
Oh, today I feel so happy,
So happy, so happy...
162
00:17:49,603 --> 00:17:52,363
She could be lying...!
163
00:17:59,743 --> 00:18:02,683
You could be lying... OH !
164
00:18:13,283 --> 00:18:16,883
There we are. And likewise.
165
00:18:16,883 --> 00:18:23,843
You must admit
Nora Batty didn't look as if she was in a singing mood.
166
00:18:23,843 --> 00:18:28,623
Queen Boadicea,
that's who Nora reminds me of.
167
00:18:28,623 --> 00:18:33,403
I can see her scattering Romans
with her wrinkled chariot.
168
00:18:33,403 --> 00:18:40,703
So your problems are over.
She's obviously just as miserable as she always was.
169
00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:44,103
Tha's not just saying that? No, no.
170
00:18:44,103 --> 00:18:48,123
How much more miserable
can a woman get?
171
00:18:48,123 --> 00:18:55,523
Nora has spent a lifetime
extending the boundaries of lack of playfulness.
172
00:18:55,523 --> 00:18:59,543
I admit
she looked pretty miserable.
173
00:18:59,543 --> 00:19:03,783
Very attractive but...
pretty miserable.
174
00:19:03,783 --> 00:19:08,863
There you are. Smiler's miserable,
she's miserable. Everybody's happy.
175
00:19:10,063 --> 00:19:13,063
But they're not together, are they?
176
00:19:13,063 --> 00:19:20,243
They're miserable
when they're apart, but what's it like when they're TOGETHER ?
177
00:19:21,523 --> 00:19:27,443
I'll have it out with him to his
face! You can't reach his face!
178
00:19:28,943 --> 00:19:31,763
Look him straight in the navel.
179
00:19:33,343 --> 00:19:36,383
I will, right in the belly-button.
180
00:19:42,663 --> 00:19:45,563
You don't even know where he is.
181
00:19:45,563 --> 00:19:51,163
In the library. If he's not in
the cafe, he'll be in the library.
182
00:19:51,163 --> 00:19:56,303
Do we have to go to the library?
I don't find them very helpful.
183
00:19:56,303 --> 00:19:59,063
You've been thrown out again!
184
00:19:59,063 --> 00:20:04,163
It was a misunderstanding.
He has! He's been thrown out again!
185
00:20:04,163 --> 00:20:09,203
Did you ask for the Boys' Book
of Bayonet Practice again?
186
00:20:09,203 --> 00:20:13,343
They don't cater
for the warrior classes!
187
00:20:14,403 --> 00:20:16,603
Hiya, lads!
188
00:20:18,043 --> 00:20:22,863
Bit of oil on the suit.
Feels better already.
189
00:20:22,863 --> 00:20:29,763
I thought you went to Huddersfield.
The bus broke down. Look at the state of his suit!
190
00:20:29,763 --> 00:20:37,383
It was a right engine, was that.
It wasn't working, though! Engines have their off days, too.
191
00:20:37,383 --> 00:20:40,083
Don't tell me about off days!
192
00:20:54,543 --> 00:20:56,543
Aw...!
193
00:20:59,863 --> 00:21:06,023
What time is it? Twenty to two.
Ye gods, is that all it is!?
194
00:21:06,023 --> 00:21:11,363
Keep that civilian in uniform away
from me. I've no wish to harm him.
195
00:21:14,863 --> 00:21:19,663
What's up with him?
I think he's in love.
196
00:21:19,663 --> 00:21:22,403
Well, he needn't look at me!
197
00:21:22,403 --> 00:21:28,663
He's not in love with you.
That's a relief! For me, too.
198
00:21:29,723 --> 00:21:35,143
So why's he looking at me like that?
He wants to ask you something.
199
00:21:35,143 --> 00:21:38,163
What? What!?
200
00:21:38,163 --> 00:21:41,143
I've got to know, Smiler.
201
00:21:41,143 --> 00:21:44,023
What!? WHAT !?
202
00:21:44,023 --> 00:21:48,883
Ask him and let's get out of here
before I injure somebody!
203
00:21:51,243 --> 00:21:54,063
Is tha carrying on with Nora Batty?
204
00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:56,163
WHAT !!?
205
00:21:56,163 --> 00:22:02,003
Who said that!? It's a lie,
a nightmare! How could you...!?
206
00:22:06,423 --> 00:22:09,423
These hands are lethal weapons!
207
00:22:09,423 --> 00:22:12,223
His gob's pretty deadly an' all.
208
00:22:12,223 --> 00:22:15,203
Thrown out of a library!
209
00:22:16,883 --> 00:22:22,583
I've told you before! I never opened
my mouth! Well, SOMEBODY did!
210
00:22:25,643 --> 00:22:28,423
Go on, blame ME for it!
211
00:22:29,703 --> 00:22:33,023
POIGNANT MUSIC
212
00:22:34,063 --> 00:22:37,023
It's not just a library.
213
00:22:40,023 --> 00:22:47,303
It's a little hideaway for me,
a little place of refuge and warmth.
214
00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,983
And now you've ruined it for me.
215
00:23:07,323 --> 00:23:14,763
He didn't really answer, did he?
He didn't say they WEREN'T having an affair.
216
00:23:14,763 --> 00:23:21,923
Forget it! He's obviously in fear
and trembling of Nora Batty! Which sounds reasonable to me.
217
00:23:21,923 --> 00:23:27,243
That's what I've got to do -
catch them together!
218
00:23:28,023 --> 00:23:33,103
Oh, give over! Norman, supposing
they ARE happy together!?
219
00:23:33,103 --> 00:23:39,983
Happy together, Smiler and Nora!?
Huh! The worst they can be is miserable together.
220
00:23:39,983 --> 00:23:42,843
See!? They have so much in common!
221
00:23:59,803 --> 00:24:07,283
I can't do with this! My bird
going out with other blokes! It's probably quite harmless.
222
00:24:07,283 --> 00:24:12,743
He doesn't look like he's enjoying
it. He always looks the same!
223
00:24:12,743 --> 00:24:18,003
But that's not the expression
of a lover. What do you say, Clegg?
224
00:24:18,003 --> 00:24:23,283
Don't ask me. I was never a lover.
I got married instead.
225
00:24:24,943 --> 00:24:32,343
Well, we can't follow them
on the bus. They'll see us. We must! I've got to KNOW !
226
00:24:32,343 --> 00:24:35,423
Oh, all right, we'll head them off.
227
00:24:44,883 --> 00:24:48,283
There's a bus coming!
It's only a bus.
228
00:24:48,283 --> 00:24:53,163
But someone on it may see us
and tell Pearl !
229
00:25:01,863 --> 00:25:05,483
Oh, Marina...!
Oh, Howard...
230
00:25:18,203 --> 00:25:23,643
Howard and Marina's. Well, they
won't need them for a while.
231
00:26:01,563 --> 00:26:07,303
She's going into church. They're
getting married! They are not!
232
00:26:07,303 --> 00:26:10,503
I bet they are!
233
00:26:10,503 --> 00:26:17,483
It's the wrong time of day for it.
Maybe there's a reduction. She's a great one for reductions.
234
00:26:23,003 --> 00:26:30,323
I'll go and see. Oh, I daren't go.
With a record like you've got, I'm not surprised.
235
00:26:33,923 --> 00:26:40,523
What will I tell Pearl ?
Just tell her your bike's been stolen.
236
00:26:40,523 --> 00:26:47,963
She'll want to know where I was
when it was stolen. Tell her you were in the park!
237
00:26:49,963 --> 00:26:54,863
Couldn't I tell her I lost it
outside Woolworth's?
238
00:26:54,863 --> 00:27:02,743
It sounds less intimate than a park.
She's bound to think I was up to something in the park.
239
00:27:02,743 --> 00:27:05,743
Well, she'll be wrong, won't she?
240
00:27:12,843 --> 00:27:18,063
They're just cleaning and polishing.
But why would she need Smiler?
241
00:27:18,063 --> 00:27:23,603
He's the only one tall enough to
reach the cobwebs. That makes sense.
242
00:27:23,603 --> 00:27:27,603
Happy now? Every day is Christmas!
243
00:27:29,503 --> 00:27:31,683
Look out!
244
00:27:38,403 --> 00:27:43,543
They ARE our bicycles!
But what are they doing here?
245
00:27:43,543 --> 00:27:47,383
Our bicycles came to church,
Howard!
246
00:27:48,023 --> 00:27:50,903
Are they telling us something?
247
00:27:52,023 --> 00:27:54,863
But we did nothing in the park!
248
00:28:13,323 --> 00:28:15,323
EEK !
249
00:28:27,703 --> 00:28:33,003
Nice to see them back together
again. Gets you right here.
250
00:29:29,223 --> 00:29:31,203
Subtitles by BBC
251
00:29:31,253 --> 00:29:35,803
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