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1
00:00:10,580 --> 00:00:11,820
Morning. Morning.
2
00:00:11,820 --> 00:00:13,800
BLEEPING
3
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:21,480
So, Morton Beamish, alias
Herman Teasdale, you're Russian.
4
00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:25,040
I'm not Russian.
You can't fool my Russian detector.
5
00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:27,440
BLEEPING
6
00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:29,180
What's that awful noise?
7
00:00:29,180 --> 00:00:31,860
BLEEPING
8
00:00:31,860 --> 00:00:34,100
I suppose he's Russian as well?
9
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:37,840
All right, all right.
It just needs a fine tune.
10
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:40,560
BLEEPING
11
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,080
BLEEPING
12
00:00:46,740 --> 00:00:49,440
AERIAL WHIPS AGAINST HIM
Ow!
13
00:00:53,180 --> 00:00:58,620
I opened some jam this morning,
and it had fur on it.
14
00:00:58,620 --> 00:01:00,880
I had an old pair
of boots that did that.
15
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:05,800
Yes, but jam
was supposed to last longer.
16
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,400
You'll have to eat it quicker.
17
00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:12,400
Fast food is becoming compulsory?
18
00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:19,240
Reminds me of a certain
valley in Albania.
19
00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:25,900
I'm getting flashbacks
of escaping their security forces clad only in a vest.
20
00:01:25,900 --> 00:01:28,020
No wonder they
called it the Cold War.
21
00:01:28,020 --> 00:01:30,300
It left me this weakness
in the kidneys.
22
00:01:30,300 --> 00:01:32,640
I blame the draught
from the Adriatic.
23
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,840
Safer in cellar than attic.
24
00:01:36,660 --> 00:01:40,480
D'you know this idiot?
I thought he was with YOU.
25
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:15,920
All right...
26
00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:17,620
Ye... Yes...
27
00:02:17,620 --> 00:02:20,980
Yes, I hear what
you're saying, Monica.
28
00:02:20,980 --> 00:02:24,560
You've made it quiet clear you're
still not ready to take me back.
29
00:02:28,540 --> 00:02:34,560
Back to our own cosy little
refuge, safe from the world.
30
00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:37,600
Just you and I against the universe.
31
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:39,820
What a team we were!
32
00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:46,060
Yes, I hear what you're saying.
33
00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:51,720
I understand
why you feel you hate me.
34
00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:55,260
My question is...
35
00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:59,280
can you find room
in all that bitterness...
36
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,720
to do me a bit of laundry?
37
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,620
Just a few shirts?
38
00:03:08,620 --> 00:03:11,020
DIAL TONE
39
00:03:24,620 --> 00:03:27,840
"To Mother from Guess Who."
40
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:29,840
He never gives up.
41
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:37,160
I've never had the time before...
42
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:39,760
for thinking about life.
43
00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,400
I do it all the time.
44
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,760
Yes, they said you were weird.
45
00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:51,160
It's just another one other
of the tedious avenues which open up for the divorced male.
46
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,420
I like 'em to think I'm weird.
47
00:03:55,420 --> 00:03:59,760
It conceals the
powerful mind at work beneath.
48
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:02,200
Conceals it well, I'm told.
49
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,540
At it all the time, you say?
50
00:04:06,540 --> 00:04:09,580
At what? Thinking about life.
51
00:04:09,580 --> 00:04:14,040
Oh, yes.
We're old adversaries, life and I.
52
00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:16,720
Reached any conclusions, have you?
53
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:20,080
Never skimp on good underwear.
54
00:04:22,700 --> 00:04:26,300
I'm a great believer in at least
one layer of wool over the kidneys.
55
00:04:27,940 --> 00:04:33,980
Yes, well, not a lot in that to lift
the spirits of the divorced male.
56
00:04:33,980 --> 00:04:36,960
Have you tried needlework?
57
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,700
No, I'm a golfer!
58
00:04:39,700 --> 00:04:42,960
Even that doesn't feel
the same as it used to.
59
00:04:44,540 --> 00:04:46,600
You miss her.
60
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:51,600
I miss the house and one's previous
standard of living.
61
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:53,340
Then you should go back to her.
62
00:04:53,340 --> 00:04:56,100
She won't let me in. Persevere.
63
00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:58,840
Stick at it.
64
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,640
It brought me safely out of Albania.
65
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,400
Do you miss the pub trade?
66
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,500
Well, I expected I would.
67
00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:18,840
I thought, "How am I going to adjust
to life without all these dozy men?"
68
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:22,640
But with you lot, it's been a doddle.
I'm still surrounded by dozy men.
69
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:24,900
It's the only way to travel.
70
00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:28,500
So you ran the pub on your own
when your Wilf died?
71
00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:32,640
Listen, I ran it on my own
while the idle beggar was alive.
72
00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:34,920
I can't think why I miss him.
73
00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,120
It's called love.
74
00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,560
He got called a lot worse than that!
75
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:41,820
We had terrible rows.
76
00:05:41,820 --> 00:05:43,820
Didn't that upset the customers?
77
00:05:43,820 --> 00:05:46,220
I use to row with them as well.
78
00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:50,680
There's a limit to how
patient you can be with boozy men.
79
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:54,060
You don't seem to have
a lot for sober men.
80
00:05:54,060 --> 00:05:59,000
Well, I shall be a lot better
when I stop stopping smoking.
81
00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:08,260
Hobdyke thinks I should persevere.
82
00:06:08,260 --> 00:06:13,800
What at? At worming my way back
into the affections of my ex.
83
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:17,460
I mean, I love her in my way.
84
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,760
It's not as if I'd be faking it.
85
00:06:21,340 --> 00:06:24,880
I thought you said
Hobdyke was weird. Did I?
86
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,260
I must have heard it somewhere.
87
00:06:27,260 --> 00:06:32,180
He's not without a certain
commonplace shrewdness.
88
00:06:32,180 --> 00:06:36,060
From the mouths of fools
there sometimes comes wisdom.
89
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:40,240
What do you wear over your kidneys?
90
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:50,100
Oh, sit down.
Stop being such a Priscilla.
91
00:06:50,100 --> 00:06:52,760
It's damp. It's not damp.
92
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:55,320
It's just grass being grass.
93
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:58,400
If you weren't wearing that coat,
I could sit on that.
94
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:01,660
You're not having the coat.
95
00:07:01,660 --> 00:07:04,360
Anyway, who sits on grass?
96
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:07,080
Cows sit on grass. And then what?
97
00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:09,860
Somebody comes along and milks them.
98
00:07:09,860 --> 00:07:12,580
You're right. Not good comparison.
99
00:07:12,580 --> 00:07:14,740
LAUGHTER
100
00:07:14,740 --> 00:07:18,580
We were always trained
to never take unnecessary risks.
101
00:07:18,580 --> 00:07:20,440
Who did the training, your mother?
102
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,320
She won't even speak to me.
103
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:25,460
Hasn't said much to your father
for 50 years.
104
00:07:25,460 --> 00:07:27,020
I wonder where he went.
105
00:07:27,020 --> 00:07:30,580
I'll bet it wasn't
to Albania in just a vest.
106
00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:32,520
You think I lie, don't you?
107
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,980
Think you don't lie on grass.
108
00:07:34,980 --> 00:07:37,300
These things I remember
could be true.
109
00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:38,940
They don't come from nowhere.
110
00:07:38,940 --> 00:07:41,520
Close.
111
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:44,640
I knew too much.
They had to make me forget.
112
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:47,020
Scramble my memories.
113
00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:50,400
They daren't let me retire
with all my secrets intact.
114
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:53,340
The Secret Vest of Albania.
115
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:59,140
It was actually. It was equipped
with numerous useful devices.
116
00:07:59,140 --> 00:08:01,600
Many of which are still classified.
117
00:08:03,820 --> 00:08:05,560
These leaves are damp.
118
00:08:09,745 --> 00:08:11,645
You're going back to her?!
119
00:08:11,645 --> 00:08:15,085
I've decided I'm big enough
to forgive her.
120
00:08:15,085 --> 00:08:18,045
I've had enough of this
unmarried existence.
121
00:08:18,045 --> 00:08:20,045
I expect we'll get used to it.
122
00:08:20,045 --> 00:08:21,765
I don't intend to get used to it.
123
00:08:21,765 --> 00:08:23,845
I'm going back to the little woman.
124
00:08:23,845 --> 00:08:25,645
She threw you out.
125
00:08:25,645 --> 00:08:27,445
She was angry.
126
00:08:27,445 --> 00:08:30,185
I'll start courting her again.
127
00:08:30,185 --> 00:08:33,085
I'm not without charm
for the ladies.
128
00:08:33,085 --> 00:08:34,945
Which is why she threw you out.
129
00:08:44,245 --> 00:08:47,745
If you see Mother,
give her my fondest.
130
00:08:47,745 --> 00:08:50,565
Nelly says she's not your mother.
131
00:08:50,565 --> 00:08:54,165
Well, give her my fondest,
anyway, just in case.
132
00:08:54,165 --> 00:08:57,165
She thinks you're a lunatic.
133
00:08:57,165 --> 00:09:00,005
Just one of my many disguises.
134
00:09:02,045 --> 00:09:05,105
You're not looking
exactly chipper today.
135
00:09:05,105 --> 00:09:06,905
I'm depressed.
136
00:09:06,905 --> 00:09:09,465
It's probably indigestion.
137
00:09:09,465 --> 00:09:11,705
Hastily snatched meals.
138
00:09:11,705 --> 00:09:14,905
In the service we were martyrs to it.
139
00:09:14,905 --> 00:09:18,485
They never sent us out
without our antacid pill.
140
00:09:18,485 --> 00:09:23,145
The trick was to keep it
in a different pocket to your suicide pill.
141
00:09:25,245 --> 00:09:28,005
It's not indigestion.
142
00:09:28,005 --> 00:09:31,125
It's psychological.
143
00:09:31,125 --> 00:09:34,045
Now you're talking where I can help.
144
00:09:34,045 --> 00:09:37,905
I wonder if she cares any more.
145
00:09:37,905 --> 00:09:40,005
And how about YOU?
146
00:09:40,005 --> 00:09:42,025
Have you romanced her lately?
147
00:09:43,925 --> 00:09:46,845
I wouldn't say lately.
148
00:09:46,845 --> 00:09:48,565
There you have it.
149
00:09:48,565 --> 00:09:50,625
It's not easy.
150
00:09:50,625 --> 00:09:54,685
If I'm nice to her,
she thinks I'm up to something.
151
00:09:54,685 --> 00:09:56,365
I'll stand by you.
152
00:09:56,365 --> 00:09:58,345
We'll see it through together.
153
00:09:58,345 --> 00:10:00,225
I know how you feel.
154
00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,225
My mother won't speak to ME.
155
00:10:02,225 --> 00:10:06,665
I tell a lie.
Only yesterday she said, "Go away."
156
00:10:06,665 --> 00:10:10,765
We must stick together,
Howard, together.
157
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:13,705
Aah!
158
00:10:28,845 --> 00:10:30,825
Toby's going back to his wife.
159
00:10:30,825 --> 00:10:33,465
Have they made it up?
Not yet. But he's working on it.
160
00:10:33,465 --> 00:10:36,725
He's going to start courting
her again. He told YOU this?
161
00:10:36,725 --> 00:10:40,445
Yes, he confides in me these days.
162
00:10:40,445 --> 00:10:44,465
Imagine, I, Barry,
163
00:10:44,465 --> 00:10:47,525
confidante of the Captain.
164
00:10:47,525 --> 00:10:49,645
He probably tells everybody.
165
00:10:49,645 --> 00:10:51,805
I don't think so.
166
00:10:51,805 --> 00:10:56,705
As a measure of how close we are,
he asked me what I thought he should wear over his kidneys.
167
00:10:58,085 --> 00:10:59,965
Why did he want to know that?
168
00:10:59,965 --> 00:11:01,825
I have no idea.
169
00:11:01,825 --> 00:11:06,225
I'm just grateful to be the one he
turns to for advice on his kidneys.
170
00:11:06,225 --> 00:11:08,345
What answer did you give him?
171
00:11:08,345 --> 00:11:10,045
I said I'd ask around.
172
00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:13,225
What do YOU think he should wear
over his kidneys?
173
00:11:13,225 --> 00:11:16,605
If he thinks he's going to march
straight back into his marriage,
174
00:11:16,605 --> 00:11:19,565
protective clothing.
175
00:11:19,565 --> 00:11:21,765
She'll probably kill him.
176
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:23,425
It's worth a try.
177
00:11:23,425 --> 00:11:26,505
I wouldn't have him back
if he came on his knees.
178
00:11:26,505 --> 00:11:28,725
I've seen Toby on his knees.
179
00:11:28,725 --> 00:11:31,785
People think he's got
no serious side but...
180
00:11:31,785 --> 00:11:35,585
you should see him
when he's got a difficult putt.
181
00:11:35,585 --> 00:11:38,305
He's awful with women.
Looking good, though.
182
00:11:38,305 --> 00:11:41,045
Morton's pressed his
shirt, suit and tie.
183
00:11:41,045 --> 00:11:44,105
We have to do something
about poor Morton.
184
00:11:44,105 --> 00:11:46,645
He needs a woman in his life.
185
00:11:46,645 --> 00:11:48,385
He needs rescuing.
186
00:11:48,385 --> 00:11:51,205
Toby's using him
for just about everything
187
00:11:51,205 --> 00:11:53,605
but covering his kidneys.
188
00:11:54,645 --> 00:11:56,405
Morton's not good with women.
189
00:11:56,405 --> 00:11:57,965
He's too shy.
190
00:11:57,965 --> 00:12:00,965
So were you once, I remember.
191
00:12:00,965 --> 00:12:03,465
That wasn't shy.
192
00:12:03,465 --> 00:12:05,405
I was terrified of your mother.
193
00:12:10,685 --> 00:12:13,345
I've been telling Howard
to count his blessings.
194
00:12:13,345 --> 00:12:15,345
He's got a good Yorkshire wife.
195
00:12:15,345 --> 00:12:16,965
Nasty and efficient.
196
00:12:16,965 --> 00:12:19,445
They're ideal for keeping
a well-run home.
197
00:12:19,445 --> 00:12:23,105
He's basically a romantic.
He wants more.
198
00:12:23,105 --> 00:12:25,345
Yes, I've heard about that.
199
00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:27,805
He says they study wildlife together.
200
00:12:27,805 --> 00:12:31,505
It's the longest course
of study in history.
201
00:12:31,505 --> 00:12:34,845
He wants a little
colour in his life.
202
00:12:34,845 --> 00:12:38,085
I was raised on black and white.
203
00:12:38,085 --> 00:12:42,005
Howard believes his main problem
204
00:12:42,005 --> 00:12:44,125
is that Pearl thinks he's a muffin.
205
00:12:44,125 --> 00:12:46,505
Well, you can see her point.
206
00:12:46,505 --> 00:12:50,105
That shouldn't come
as much of a surprise.
207
00:12:50,105 --> 00:12:53,705
She's always thought
he was a muffin.
208
00:12:53,705 --> 00:12:55,965
But HER muffin.
209
00:12:55,965 --> 00:13:00,205
I'll have to take him in hand.
I've cured worse.
210
00:13:00,205 --> 00:13:04,545
I had to retrain a security guard
who used to mangle his letters.
211
00:13:04,545 --> 00:13:09,525
Instead of saying, "Halt,
who goes there?" he used to say, "Walter oogle air sog."
212
00:13:13,285 --> 00:13:16,425
A man should have respect
in his own house.
213
00:13:16,425 --> 00:13:18,145
The Godfather.
214
00:13:18,145 --> 00:13:19,905
Part nine and a half.
215
00:13:19,905 --> 00:13:22,505
She feeds and clothes you.
216
00:13:22,505 --> 00:13:24,645
She warms your pyjamas.
217
00:13:24,645 --> 00:13:30,365
I'm not saying she neglects me. I'm
saying she treats me too casually.
218
00:13:30,365 --> 00:13:31,965
She takes me for granted.
219
00:13:31,965 --> 00:13:35,325
I took you for better or worse.
220
00:13:35,325 --> 00:13:38,125
And guess which I got?
221
00:13:38,125 --> 00:13:40,205
What's brought all this on, anyway?
222
00:13:40,205 --> 00:13:42,205
You never used to go out.
223
00:13:42,205 --> 00:13:44,025
Now you're ALWAYS out.
224
00:13:44,025 --> 00:13:47,705
You never think to ask me
if it's all right.
225
00:13:47,705 --> 00:13:49,285
Can you hear this?
226
00:13:49,285 --> 00:13:53,445
Houdini complaining because
I escape now and again.
227
00:13:53,445 --> 00:13:56,345
They hate any streak of independence.
228
00:13:56,345 --> 00:13:59,905
Travis thinks the world is full
of dangers for the older woman.
229
00:13:59,905 --> 00:14:04,245
He thinks gigolos are lined up
waiting for us in Marks & Spencer's.
230
00:14:09,645 --> 00:14:11,985
You were never in Albania.
231
00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:14,305
I had the Albanian desk.
232
00:14:14,305 --> 00:14:17,185
Second-hand was it?
233
00:14:17,185 --> 00:14:19,665
Dry sense of humour,
these people from Hull.
234
00:14:21,365 --> 00:14:24,185
So, tell us about Albania.
235
00:14:24,185 --> 00:14:29,205
It's not a country you can really
appreciate while wearing only a vest.
236
00:14:29,205 --> 00:14:32,465
The tribesmen are keen-sighted.
237
00:14:32,465 --> 00:14:36,985
There were times I had to go on
all fours with a flock of sheep.
238
00:14:36,985 --> 00:14:39,385
Until one of the rams
became troublesome.
239
00:14:41,025 --> 00:14:44,245
If we're going to compete
for tall stories, let me say
240
00:14:44,245 --> 00:14:48,285
it's days like this
makes me wish I'd never said goodbye to Rita Hayworth.
241
00:14:48,285 --> 00:14:50,285
You too?
242
00:14:51,325 --> 00:14:54,665
Unlikely. So's Albania.
243
00:14:54,665 --> 00:14:56,505
Man with flowers.
244
00:14:56,505 --> 00:14:57,965
Must be trouble.
245
00:14:59,765 --> 00:15:03,445
Flowers, Toby? Hospital or funeral?
246
00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:10,465
Could be either. This is
the first move in my campaign to win back the little woman.
247
00:15:10,465 --> 00:15:13,505
To say nothing of the house,
the car,
248
00:15:13,505 --> 00:15:19,245
my drinks cabinet and all
the finer elements of furniture.
249
00:15:19,245 --> 00:15:22,605
She took me for every stick,
the little...
250
00:15:23,665 --> 00:15:26,185
..sweetheart.
251
00:15:26,185 --> 00:15:28,145
Price of freedom.
252
00:15:28,145 --> 00:15:30,745
Can't afford it. Won't afford it.
253
00:15:30,745 --> 00:15:32,905
I'm going back to wedded bliss.
254
00:15:32,905 --> 00:15:35,265
Oh, I like a happy ending.
255
00:15:35,265 --> 00:15:37,745
Can we give you a lift? Yes.
256
00:15:37,745 --> 00:15:40,345
I'm not a natural pedestrian.
257
00:15:40,345 --> 00:15:42,725
You're not a natural husband.
258
00:15:42,725 --> 00:15:44,205
I'll fake it.
259
00:16:00,565 --> 00:16:04,905
Very impressive. Yes, isn't it?
260
00:16:04,905 --> 00:16:07,565
Must miss it.
261
00:16:07,565 --> 00:16:09,565
It's like an ache inside.
262
00:16:09,565 --> 00:16:13,925
Double garage. Yes, that aches, too.
263
00:16:13,925 --> 00:16:17,305
My Jaguar's nestling inside it.
264
00:16:17,305 --> 00:16:19,545
I'm getting shadowy images
265
00:16:19,545 --> 00:16:25,465
that point to me
once having to terminate a mafia don in a place like this.
266
00:16:25,465 --> 00:16:32,065
Yes, well, thanks for the offer
but I'm hoping to handle things less dramatically.
267
00:16:32,065 --> 00:16:34,165
At this stage, anyway.
268
00:16:36,005 --> 00:16:39,645
Question is,
does she still love you?
269
00:16:39,645 --> 00:16:45,745
She pretends she hates me
but, of course, she loves me.
270
00:16:45,745 --> 00:16:49,225
I'm her man. Trust me.
271
00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:51,065
I'm loveable.
272
00:16:51,065 --> 00:16:53,305
He's got a string
of women to prove it.
273
00:16:54,885 --> 00:16:56,845
That's all in the past.
274
00:16:56,845 --> 00:16:58,765
I'm a changed man.
275
00:17:00,685 --> 00:17:03,485
I love this place.
276
00:17:03,485 --> 00:17:05,805
It's snug and warm.
277
00:17:05,805 --> 00:17:08,225
You're in the wrong mood here.
278
00:17:08,225 --> 00:17:11,745
You're feeling sorry for yourself.
279
00:17:11,745 --> 00:17:13,325
I am.
280
00:17:13,325 --> 00:17:16,785
Good job I'm inscrutable,
else might cry.
281
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:19,745
Breaks your heart.
282
00:17:19,745 --> 00:17:22,545
It won't do. Won't do at all.
283
00:17:22,545 --> 00:17:24,685
You want to win the woman back,
284
00:17:24,685 --> 00:17:27,505
I want to see
a powerhouse personality.
285
00:17:27,505 --> 00:17:29,105
I can do that.
286
00:17:29,105 --> 00:17:30,625
I do that all the time.
287
00:17:30,625 --> 00:17:33,725
Then go. Recapture your woman.
288
00:17:33,725 --> 00:17:37,285
I will.
That's what we're here for, right?
289
00:17:39,945 --> 00:17:41,545
How do I look?
290
00:17:41,545 --> 00:17:44,265
Desperate. Wrong answer.
291
00:17:44,265 --> 00:17:46,545
Dishy? Better.
292
00:17:46,545 --> 00:17:49,305
Reminds me of movie star.
293
00:17:49,305 --> 00:17:52,065
He has opinions you have to respect.
294
00:17:52,065 --> 00:17:54,145
Now, make it plain.
295
00:17:54,145 --> 00:17:56,345
You're determined to reform.
296
00:17:56,345 --> 00:17:58,045
That goes without saying.
297
00:17:58,045 --> 00:18:01,065
No other women.
I wouldn't say that, either.
298
00:18:01,065 --> 00:18:03,665
Only kidding.
299
00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:05,285
Reformed.
300
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:12,245
I hereby renounce all previous
interest in the smell of perfume,
301
00:18:12,245 --> 00:18:14,445
shapely figures...
302
00:18:14,445 --> 00:18:17,145
soft, silky hair...
303
00:18:17,145 --> 00:18:19,305
Oh!
304
00:18:19,305 --> 00:18:21,905
Good man!
305
00:18:21,905 --> 00:18:24,625
Keep it up. We'll help you.
306
00:18:27,705 --> 00:18:29,825
Did I tell you she can be nasty?
307
00:18:29,825 --> 00:18:31,285
Go! Go!
308
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:43,105
Morton!
309
00:18:43,105 --> 00:18:45,705
Come and meet a friend. Whose friend?
310
00:18:45,705 --> 00:18:47,785
Could turn out to be yours.
311
00:18:47,785 --> 00:18:49,745
A friend for me? Where?
312
00:18:49,745 --> 00:18:52,525
In the house, now. Come on.
313
00:18:52,525 --> 00:18:55,565
I can't come like this.
Just take your apron off.
314
00:18:55,565 --> 00:18:57,885
Is it male? No.
315
00:18:57,885 --> 00:19:01,185
Is it female? Shrewd guess.
316
00:19:01,185 --> 00:19:04,585
Oh, no, I ought to finish
this door before Toby gets home.
317
00:19:04,585 --> 00:19:06,645
I've got a casserole
needs my attention.
318
00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:08,465
You're telling porkies, Morton.
319
00:19:08,465 --> 00:19:11,365
I just wish your female
hadn't been female.
320
00:19:11,365 --> 00:19:13,365
I'm not very good with females.
321
00:19:13,365 --> 00:19:15,345
Nobody's good with females.
322
00:19:15,345 --> 00:19:17,125
It's like trying to fly.
323
00:19:17,125 --> 00:19:19,685
You just have
to close your eyes and jump.
324
00:19:28,085 --> 00:19:30,045
I don't hear it. What?
325
00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:32,625
The cooing of lovebirds.
326
00:19:32,625 --> 00:19:36,785
If he stays calm and follows
my advice, he should do well.
327
00:19:36,785 --> 00:19:37,845
Aah!
328
00:19:54,065 --> 00:19:56,345
It's the ingratitude that hurts.
329
00:19:56,345 --> 00:20:01,965
I taught that woman
everything she knows about decanting a decent claret.
330
00:20:03,365 --> 00:20:05,605
So what did you do wrong in there?
331
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:07,345
Wrong?
332
00:20:07,345 --> 00:20:09,325
What did I do wrong?
333
00:20:09,325 --> 00:20:11,425
I went in there softly-softly.
334
00:20:11,425 --> 00:20:14,705
I showed the patience of a saint.
335
00:20:14,705 --> 00:20:18,245
I even let that minx
ramble on about my shortcomings.
336
00:20:18,245 --> 00:20:21,305
We wondered why it took so long.
337
00:20:22,465 --> 00:20:27,025
What was her body language?
We were trained to use that as the best indicator.
338
00:20:27,025 --> 00:20:29,485
What was her body language?!
339
00:20:29,485 --> 00:20:31,865
It was foul.
340
00:20:31,865 --> 00:20:35,545
For a moment, she looked
at me like she hated me.
341
00:20:35,545 --> 00:20:38,945
Can you believe that?! Me!
342
00:20:38,945 --> 00:20:42,685
Who once spent �4
buying her a Valentine's card.
343
00:20:42,685 --> 00:20:45,405
Who had she caught
you with THAT time?
344
00:20:47,005 --> 00:20:50,285
I can't remember,
but it wasn't worth �4.
345
00:20:50,285 --> 00:20:55,405
Life unfair. Being bad
almost as tricky as being good.
346
00:20:55,405 --> 00:20:58,925
Did you tell her you
were going to reform?
347
00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:00,565
Everything.
348
00:21:00,565 --> 00:21:04,045
When did she start
throwing things at you?
349
00:21:04,045 --> 00:21:07,665
I thought we were
having a genuine moment...
350
00:21:07,665 --> 00:21:10,265
I thought we'd reconnected.
351
00:21:10,265 --> 00:21:14,005
Maybe I was overly sentimental,
352
00:21:14,005 --> 00:21:17,725
but I just had to tell her
that I forgave her.
353
00:21:17,725 --> 00:21:21,045
I opened my arms
wide to receive her,
354
00:21:21,045 --> 00:21:25,485
and she hit me such a wallop in the
well-beloved, it made my eyes water.
355
00:21:27,685 --> 00:21:32,245
So you'll
be finished with these, then?
356
00:21:38,625 --> 00:21:42,545
Tell Peggy what your
interests are, Morton.
357
00:21:42,545 --> 00:21:45,045
Suicide.
358
00:21:45,045 --> 00:21:47,325
Oh, come on!
359
00:21:47,325 --> 00:21:49,385
Survival.
360
00:21:49,385 --> 00:21:50,965
From what?
361
00:21:50,965 --> 00:21:53,465
All the tricks that
life throws at you.
362
00:21:53,465 --> 00:21:58,125
Illness, old age, global warming.
363
00:21:58,125 --> 00:21:59,945
Then there's the biggy, of course.
364
00:21:59,945 --> 00:22:02,565
Death. What about that, then?
365
00:22:02,565 --> 00:22:04,825
He's not at all like
this normally, Peggy.
366
00:22:04,825 --> 00:22:08,245
Always ready for a laugh.
367
00:22:08,245 --> 00:22:11,325
Death! Talk about sneaky.
368
00:22:11,325 --> 00:22:13,185
We weren't talking about sneaky.
369
00:22:13,185 --> 00:22:14,965
Or about death.
370
00:22:14,965 --> 00:22:18,205
Death is Mr Big if you want sneaky.
371
00:22:18,205 --> 00:22:21,325
We don't.
There was this Mr Ollerenshaw.
372
00:22:21,325 --> 00:22:24,065
He thought all he had was a bad leg.
373
00:22:24,065 --> 00:22:28,325
I think Glenda meant, tell Peggy
what your leisure interests are.
374
00:22:28,325 --> 00:22:32,445
Never came out again, did he?
Mr Ollerenshaw.
375
00:22:32,445 --> 00:22:37,285
Barry tells me you're
very interested in amateur archaeology, Morton.
376
00:22:38,865 --> 00:22:40,325
No.
377
00:22:53,525 --> 00:22:55,105
What is it? I can't stop,
378
00:22:55,105 --> 00:22:57,405
I've got to pack. Going somewhere?
379
00:22:57,405 --> 00:22:59,025
New Zealand.
380
00:22:59,025 --> 00:23:01,045
They're looking for fresh blood.
381
00:23:01,045 --> 00:23:03,385
Been planning this long, have you?
382
00:23:03,385 --> 00:23:07,185
Since before lunch. As long as that?
383
00:23:07,185 --> 00:23:09,945
You do know they've
got man-eating mice?
384
00:23:09,945 --> 00:23:11,985
Still, I expect
somebody's warned you.
385
00:23:13,545 --> 00:23:15,285
Man-eating mice?
386
00:23:15,285 --> 00:23:18,125
The big ones can reach 20ft.
387
00:23:18,125 --> 00:23:20,945
There's no mention
in the literature.
388
00:23:20,945 --> 00:23:25,385
They're not going to broadcast
it, are they? But have no fear,
389
00:23:25,385 --> 00:23:28,085
there's absolutely no reason
for you to leave home.
390
00:23:28,085 --> 00:23:30,705
I'm not staying where
I'm not appreciated.
391
00:23:30,705 --> 00:23:33,785
I think you'll find
you are appreciated.
392
00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:43,845
It's very nice of you
to buy me flowers but...
393
00:23:43,845 --> 00:23:46,505
I'm not ready
for any new relationships.
394
00:23:50,225 --> 00:23:52,425
They're for Pearl, you crackpot!
395
00:23:52,425 --> 00:23:55,525
Oh! For Pearl.
396
00:23:55,525 --> 00:23:58,965
How long since you've bought her any?
397
00:23:58,965 --> 00:24:00,965
They're always so expensive.
398
00:24:00,965 --> 00:24:02,605
How much are these?
399
00:24:02,605 --> 00:24:05,165
Free! Gratis, a gift.
400
00:24:05,165 --> 00:24:07,925
Oh, well, then. Thank you very much.
401
00:24:09,705 --> 00:24:12,145
They're a bit bedraggled.
402
00:24:12,145 --> 00:24:14,265
Well, tell her you dropped them.
403
00:24:14,265 --> 00:24:17,565
She won't care.
She'll be too pleased at the thought.
404
00:24:17,565 --> 00:24:19,685
You think so? Trust me.
405
00:24:19,685 --> 00:24:22,905
This is your first step
back to being Mr Wonderful.
406
00:24:33,325 --> 00:24:36,745
Toby's flowers?
Found a good home for them.
407
00:24:36,745 --> 00:24:40,685
When Pearl gets back,
I think she'll be pleased.
408
00:24:59,505 --> 00:25:01,305
She'll think he's up to something.
409
00:25:01,305 --> 00:25:04,525
Not with a bunch of flowers.
He's never bought her one before.
410
00:25:04,525 --> 00:25:05,885
She'll be over the moon.
411
00:25:14,305 --> 00:25:17,665
It was nice of you
to bring me flowers.
412
00:25:17,665 --> 00:25:20,405
Especially when the card says,
"To Monica."
413
00:25:26,505 --> 00:25:28,345
You forgot the card.
414
00:25:28,345 --> 00:25:29,925
Whoops!
415
00:25:29,925 --> 00:25:34,125
Why am I the one who always
has to think of everything?
416
00:25:39,445 --> 00:25:42,065
Women are difficult.
417
00:25:42,065 --> 00:25:43,925
Wives are worse.
418
00:25:43,925 --> 00:25:47,345
Wives are more than women.
419
00:25:47,345 --> 00:25:50,005
Wives are own species.
420
00:25:50,005 --> 00:25:52,145
I don't understand women.
421
00:25:52,145 --> 00:25:54,625
There's nothing to it.
422
00:25:54,625 --> 00:25:56,925
You just work on the premise
423
00:25:56,925 --> 00:25:59,925
that they can see
right through you.
424
00:26:01,565 --> 00:26:03,625
But are we downhearted?
425
00:26:03,625 --> 00:26:06,285
ALL: Yes.
426
00:26:06,285 --> 00:26:08,485
I won't accept that.
427
00:26:08,485 --> 00:26:11,405
Hands up
all in favour of downhearted.
428
00:26:13,945 --> 00:26:17,365
Enough. I have a plan. Pay attention.
429
00:26:17,365 --> 00:26:22,905
I know why your attempt to create
a romantic atmosphere went wrong.
430
00:26:22,905 --> 00:26:25,165
I know why mine went wrong.
431
00:26:25,165 --> 00:26:28,605
Because you
forgot to remove the card.
432
00:26:30,645 --> 00:26:33,645
What happens in every
movie you've ever seen?
433
00:26:33,645 --> 00:26:36,245
Romance equals music.
434
00:26:41,105 --> 00:26:42,905
They're sentimental creatures.
435
00:26:42,905 --> 00:26:44,645
They need the romantic touch.
436
00:26:44,645 --> 00:26:46,125
They need music.
437
00:26:50,805 --> 00:26:54,045
I'll play the tape.
All we have to do is mime.
438
00:27:19,305 --> 00:27:23,665
HE MIMES TO VOICE ON TAPE
Be my love
439
00:27:23,665 --> 00:27:29,045
For no-one else
can end this yearning
440
00:27:30,825 --> 00:27:33,705
This need that you
441
00:27:33,705 --> 00:27:38,565
And you alone create
442
00:27:38,565 --> 00:27:42,045
Just fill my arms
the way you...
443
00:27:47,905 --> 00:27:49,785
You see, she even got the gun!
444
00:27:49,785 --> 00:27:52,065
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Wait a second.
445
00:27:52,065 --> 00:27:55,325
I'm a Hobdyke, late of Her
Majesty's Secret Primrose Dairies.
446
00:27:55,325 --> 00:27:57,105
I don't run away from guns.
447
00:28:01,245 --> 00:28:04,585
I come in peace, to speak for Toby.
448
00:28:04,585 --> 00:28:06,345
He sends his love.
449
00:28:06,345 --> 00:28:08,145
What is your reply?
450
00:28:20,465 --> 00:28:23,465
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
451
00:28:23,515 --> 00:28:28,065
Repair and Synchronization by
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