All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s30e05 Nobody Messes With Tony The Throat.eng

I heard you moving about
in the early hours.

What were you doing? Housework.

It was either that or start smoking.

I'll say this for Nora,
she was quiet at nights.

Her husband could
have told you that.

I think he got so he never noticed.

Married to our Nora, not noticing
would be one of your better options.

So how's she coping in Australia?

She'll be all right. I'm
not so sure about the Australians.

He does remind me of somebody.

Could be Brad Pitt.

It's not Brad Pitt.

Are you often mistaken for Brad Pitt?

Happens all time.

How's Mrs Entwistle?

Forgot to ask.

I knew there was something.

The way they practise marriage
in these parts

it's a wonder anybody's still here.

Good point.

How come we Yorkshire folk
didn't die out?

I think the old-fashioned Sunday
has a lot to answer for.

You weren't supposed to work,
and everything was closed.

The new insurance man wears a wig.

Is that what they mean
by being fully covered?

You know, sometimes it doesn't turn
as fast as his head does.

Why would he want to impress
the ladies at his age?

How come you don't know
the answer to that at your age?

Oh, well,
I sold lino all those years.

That's enough excitement for anybody.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I don't want to intrude.

Goodbye, then, Howard.

Sorry you can't stop.

But I've got to confide in somebody.

He's not in. Try the next street.

You're not being very helpful.

Oh, you noticed that, have you?

It's Pearl.

I think she's seeing someone else.

Have you made any kind
of check for intruders?

You shouldn't leave it all to me.

I've been let down before
by sloppy staff work.

Jam roly-poly.

Excuse me? It sounded like
you said jam roly-poly.

He did. He said jam roly-poly.

Is this new dance?

Jam roly-poly's not a dance.

Ooh, wait a minute,
we could be onto something there.

Used to be dance called cakewalk.

Well, there you go, then.

# Let's all do the jam roly-poly...

# The jam roly-poly
The jam roly-poly

# Let's all do the jam roly-poly. #

Stop blathering and pay attention

while I run you through
some basic field craft moves.

I've just had this vision.

Of jam roly-poly? Yes.

I'm going to bake one tomorrow.

I haven't had one in yonks.

If you see me hesitating here,
it's because I haven't fully decided

between a white sauce
or delicious custard.

Go custard. We invented custard.

You invented custard?

Marco Polo stole recipe.

Started Custard War.

I've heard of Opium War.

That came later.

People turned to opium
when no custard.

Wait a minute. Excuse me!

I brought us up here to practise
staying alert in open countryside.

You want visions,
I'll give you visions.

I keep seeing me
trekking through Siberia

with the KGB looking for me
with helicopters.

I think I'll do a white sauce.

Natasha. If it hadn't been
for Natasha.

She died saving me. "Go," she said.

"Take my heart with you."

How did you get it through customs?

Said it was jam roly-poly.

I hated leaving her.

But I had to get the secret formula
back to Primrose Dairies.

Saddest thing was,
I didn't have time to bury her.

I started, but...

have you tried digging permafrost
with a metal coat hanger?

That's a no.

Make that two.

Best thing I could do

was cover her with bits of bark
from dead branches.

I'd only got as far as one leg
when I heard the helicopter.

What were you doing out there
with a coat hanger?

They were like gold in Siberia.

You could use them for barter.

Without coat hangers, they use to
have to go outside every night

in just their jammies
and hang their coats on trees.

She loved you, and you only buried
one leg? Don't remind me.

I've had to live with it.

He thinks his wife
is seeing someone else.

What's good for the goose!

HE's seeing someone else.

Howard's seeing someone else?

You know this for a fact? Yes.

He's dead. That's it. Finished.

History. He can have his
Field Guide To British Insects back.

I wondered where that had gone.

It's not a library copy.

He bought it for me.

It's personally inscribed.

"To Marina, who makes
insect-spotting an adventure."

Who is this someone else he's seeing?

It's you, you silly girl.

That's all we are, a someone else.

Never a bride,
always a someone else.

I know it's sad,
but we do get more variety.

Not recently.

No, not recently.

Barry! How much water
do you put in these things?

I could tell you
if it was an engine, but irons,

that's female territory.

I'll get the expert.

Glenda! Glenda!

Where's the fire?

How much water should the Captain
put in his steam iron?

Did you hear him? Not only calls me
Barry, but now he's relying on me.

That's progress, Glenda.

He used to wipe me off his shoe.

We're going to be buddies.

I can feel it. "Hi, Barry!"

"Hi, Toby!"

Don't overheat.

He's just an ordinary mortal.

You wouldn't say that
if you'd seen his chip shot.

I never knew he had a chip shop.

Chip SHOT.

Good morning, Toby.

And to you, my dear.

You'd think after 30 years
of marriage,

she could still do
my washing and ironing.

What's wrong with it? It looks new.

Oh, it is. Imagine I get to my age
before experiencing

the thrill of buying an iron(!)

How much water does it recommend
in the instructions?

They come with instructions?

What kind of moron needs
instructions for an iron?

So your wife goes out some
afternoons with Nelly. So what?

You and I often go out
in an afternoon.

She's no business
behaving like that.

I'm afraid I don't see
the difference.

The difference is that Pearl's
not really interested in insects.

Howard, I'M not really
interested in insects.

I wish you'd said
before I bought you the book.

If you think
your wife is going astray,

why do you come to us for sympathy?

I thought
that's what friends were for.

Wives are for sympathy. The other
woman is supposed to be for romance,

excitement, forbidden passion.

Forbidden?

We haven't passed what's allowed yet.

I was working on it.

My life's falling apart.

My wife's acting strangely,
and the one person

I thought I could turn to...

Yes, go on.

..doesn't like insects.

I quite like some furry caterpillars.

You do?

Maybe we could build on that.

Oh, Howard!

Oh, Marina!

Oh, good grief!

And they owe it all
to a furry caterpillar.

Come on! Come on! On your feet!

Action stations. Action stations!

Now, come along,
I want to show you something.

Seen it. No, you haven't.
I was there when he saw it.

I remember him saying, "Let's
not bother seeing that again."

Stop messing about.
Now watch this, you'll be amazed.

Before we be amazed, why don't we
have a stroll to the pub?

I'll vote for that.
Pub, I don't mind seeing again.

Ye gods!

Is this your idea of
a well-structured day?

Now, watch this.

You see that patch of shade
down there near the hedge?

I'll show you
how I can disappear entirely.

Promises, promises.

You don't need to use camouflage,
all you have to do is use the shade.

Now watch me disappear.
You'll be amazed.

Now you see why
they called me The Shadow.

Now, come on, be honest,
I bet I'm invisible.

Hello? Are you there?

Are you receiving me? Team?

Do we wait for him?

Is there any point
now he's invisible?

That's true.
May be in truck already.

Good point. Let's go.

To me! Team!

I'm making that an order.
Team to me!

Hat on fire. Caught it in time.

No problem.

Happened before.

In the course of an adventurous
life, bound to get your hat on fire.

Problem? No problem.

Just waiting for team leader.

He should be coming
round the bend any minute.

If it's him with the hat,

are you sure he's not
round the bend already?

We're keeping an open mind.

He was jumping on his hat.

Yeah, he does that.

Hat dance he learned in Siberia.

Keeps them warm in winter.
It looked like a right paddy to me.

Inclined to be vicious, is he?

No. He's a pussycat.

Was he out there? Was who out there?

Howard. I didn't see him.

Doesn't mean he isn't there.

He can be very sneaky.

Then he'll just have to be out-snuck

by two superior practitioners
of the craft. You're right.

We're sneakier than he is, any day.

But it doesn't mean
he isn't out there.

You know, I think he's watching me.

He's getting very suspicious.

So's mine.

It'll do them both good.

They're never happy unless
you're stuck in the house

like the rest of the furniture.

Been there, done that.

Don't stop. It could be an ambush.

BRAKES SQUEAL

I said, "Don't stop!"

Ah-h-h!

CLUNK

Do we do ironing boards?

Need you ask?

Well, I've never seen one.
We'll work something out.

They can have mine
if they're prepared to compensate me

for the sentimental value.

I'll get it.

Let me feel I'm contributing.

No, Morton. I've not sunk so low
that I have to rely on the charity

of friends for my ironing board.

Don't overdo it. You wash his socks.

Well, he wears nice socks.

I'm a quality dresser.

Used to be.

In my days of fullness and splendour.

Thrown you out, has she?

On a technicality.

You spend one evening with a Mrs
Eriksson. All she eats is muesli.

And the wife refuses to believe
I was merely dieting.

You left good home-cooking
for muesli?

I didn't leave. I was pushed.

My wife could eat.

I used to cook every night.

Morton, you can cook?

Nothing too fancy.

Why don't I give you a try?

Toby, you can come next door
and have a meal with us.

On Morton's night off?

Sounds like a good idea.

Now, dear lady.

I want the simplest
you've got, very cheap.

Setting up house, are we?

Much against my will.

Always a welcome here
for the divorced and useless male.

They're a gift
to the struggling shopkeeper.

You understand I've no intention
of doing the ironing.

But if word got round,
it could seriously interfere

with my sporting activities.

Don't be embarrassed.

You're in the right place.

I understand the problems
of the womanless male.

Yes, well, all I want at the moment
is a cheap ironing board.

I hear you.

So, you want to find out
where the ladies go to

on these afternoon mystery trips?
Well, we can do that.

My team and I can do that.

We'll show you.

I think we volunteered again.

Why do we do that?

How can we follow them
without being seen?

You ask that of The Shadow?

Ha-ha-ha!

We mustn't let Pearl see
she's being followed.

She'll think I'm behind it.

You ARE behind it.

I think we ought
to keep that our secret.

Secret.

Secrets are my business. Stay calm!

You're in professional hands.

What, this lot?

They're not all that reliable.

Look who's talking.

Relax! They're under
my supervision now.

They'll be working
the Hobdyke Rules.

He's not just man
who slides down windscreen.

This man once buried a leg
in Siberia. Please!

I can't bear it.

She'll recognise you lot.

That doesn't matter as long as
she doesn't recognise you.

Whose leg was it? Enough!

Whose leg was it?

You ask that of The Shadow?

Ha-ha-ha!

Stop it, you two, please.
This is very painful for me.

HE SNEEZES VIOLENTLY

What?

Pearl and Nelly?

Oh, there's got to be
a reasonable explanation.

People are talking.

They come in here. I hear them.

Oh, yes, well, you do if you make
sure your ears are close enough.

It's not all that easy.

But you manage. Generally.

Sneaking out?

Now, who said it was sneaking out?

Maybe they're just going out.
But where?

Nobody knows, and they're not saying.

I mean, what's all the mystery about?

Has anybody asked?

You can't just ask.

Oh, you learn how
if you've been a pub landlady.

Anyway, Yorkshire folk are
supposed to be blunt and up front.

That's why they finish up with
only their whippets to talk to.

I don't feel this is really me.

You look like the Godfather.
You look terrific.

You look like Fairy Godfather.

Stop it.

They've gone in.

You're right.

Where's the ironing board?

Did we get the ironing board?

I've got every damn thing
but the ironing board.

You have to pay attention.
I thought I was.

No, really pay attention.

I stood up to her if you noticed.
I didn't buy the aspidistra.

No, but you left a deposit.

You thought you were giving change
for a note, didn't you, Morton?

Gad, it's a harsh world out here

without a loving wife
to take the blows.

I agree. I feel terrible.

Oh, don't go to pieces, Morton.

Yours wasn't a loving wife
or she wouldn't have left you.

No, it's not that.
It's that sneaky deposit.

You might as well come in for a drink
now I have something else to sit on.

What kind of place is it?

It doesn't say.

Maybe place for wayward wives.

I bet that's it. A kind of club.

It's where they go
to meet new friends.

Probably learning tango.

Maybe gambling and drinking.
That kind of club.

I wish you'd stop depressing me.

Courage, Howard!

Life deals these blows.

We have to pick ourselves up.

Have a peppermint. I find it helps.

I left my love dead in Siberia

but after a peppermint
I found the strength to go on.

Have you got any buttered Brazils?

Sorry.

Who do you think
they're meeting in there?

Boyfriends.

Real smoothies.

Hairy chest, big tattoos.

Brilliant dancers,
foreign extraction.

Come here to steal our women.

I don't believe it.
You do believe it.

Look at you. You've gone white.

Stop winding the man up.

It's probably all
completely harmless.

RATTLE OF DOOR

A bikers' club?

Don't look now, Howard,

but I think your wife's involved
with Hell's Angels.

The woman who could be my mother
is in there.

Mummy's a Hell's Angel!

No wonder she left you on doorstep.

No room on bike.

ENGINES REV

I'd like to know
what's going on in there.

No, you wouldn't.

There's only one way to find out.

I'm not going in bikers' den.

I'm with him. You don't know
how many are in there.

Well, we'll catch those two
and question them.

There's four of us.
Only two of them.

Follow that bike.

Excuse me!
What happens when we catch up?

We have to put them in fear.

Can we ask in fear of what?

Of us.

They're young and fit.

And nasty. Don't forget nasty.

They have your wife
and the lady who could be my mother

in their grimy den.

Are we really going to hesitate?

I think that's a yes.

Never. Say it. Never.

Never.

Get some anger with it.

Work yourself into a rage.

Snarl it. Growl it. Never.

Never!

You beast.
That's better. That's my boy.

Now we have to get them to take
the message back to their den

that those two ladies
are out of bounds.

You tell 'em, Howard. No.

I'll tell them. I'll give them
a warning at first. It's only fair.

But I shall make it quite clear

that unless they end their
relationship with those ladies,

the Godfather here will be
quite without mercy.

I've got to thrash two hairy bikers?

One at a time.

Oh, well, then!

One at a time.

Feel better now?

No.

You've got to stop this before
your wife becomes totally involved

with these biker people.

Or is it too late?

Has she got any tattoos? No.

Have you looked lately?

Well, not lately.

ALL: Oooh.

I think it's only fair
to warn you that this man is Tony "the Throat" Lambroso.

Tony the Throat.

"Why the throat?"
you may be wondering.

Well, if he gets near yours,
you'll find out.

I'm trying to hold him back.

He's got the scent of blood.

Back, Tony! Back!

If he gets loose, he'll eat through
your helmet and bite off your ear.

Back, Throat! Back.

Don't just charge them, Tony,
give them your warning.

Give them your roar. Your death roar.

Do it. Do it. This is their
last chance before you strike.

Roar, Tony! Roar!

HE ROARS WEAKLY

Ow!

Tony the Throat!

What are you doing following us?

It's called caring.

Don't say it.

We thought you had a fella.

I have, and look at him.

I've always wanted another
motorbike. Oh, don't tell Travis.

He won't talk.

Not Tony the Throat.

At least we've solved the mystery.

We now know
where she goes of an afternoon.

It's very unnerving
to find your wife's a biker.

How am I going to compete
with just a pushbike?

You ask that of The Shadow?

Ha ha ha!

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