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1
00:00:05,511 --> 00:00:08,131
Yeah, "And how's your
mother keeping?" she asks,
2
00:00:09,455 --> 00:00:14,035
and their Bett says,
"She's keeping away, and you can't ask for more than that!"
3
00:00:18,095 --> 00:00:20,255
Who's that?
4
00:00:20,255 --> 00:00:22,895
It's him from next door.
5
00:00:22,895 --> 00:00:24,615
Not him! Who's she?
6
00:00:24,615 --> 00:00:26,535
I've no idea.
7
00:00:26,535 --> 00:00:29,055
Oh, don't say that.
8
00:00:29,055 --> 00:00:31,155
She'll never be able to sleep.
9
00:00:31,155 --> 00:00:34,015
It's no business of
mine who he's with.
10
00:00:34,015 --> 00:00:35,935
I know that,
11
00:00:35,935 --> 00:00:38,175
but how are you going to find out?
12
00:00:38,175 --> 00:00:39,735
I'll ask him.
13
00:00:39,735 --> 00:00:41,935
I don't believe in being sneaky.
14
00:00:41,935 --> 00:00:44,595
Oh, what about his right to privacy?
15
00:00:44,595 --> 00:00:47,035
I don't believe in
that much, either.
16
00:01:18,515 --> 00:01:21,515
You look at the
world and sometimes you think,
17
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:23,935
"Where did it all come from?"
18
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:27,515
I think the butler did it.
19
00:01:36,815 --> 00:01:38,175
On guard!
20
00:01:38,175 --> 00:01:40,515
MAKES FIGHTING NOISES
21
00:01:42,775 --> 00:01:44,075
Oi!
22
00:01:46,015 --> 00:01:48,635
Well, get the kettle on, then.
23
00:01:49,035 --> 00:01:53,935
Get your own kettle on. I haven't
time to be serving passing lunatics.
24
00:01:53,935 --> 00:01:56,575
I live here. I'm not passing.
25
00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:59,415
Something else to look forward to.
26
00:01:59,415 --> 00:02:02,555
We wouldn't lie to you, Mrs Batty,
27
00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:05,155
we're hopelessly addicted to your
fruitcake.
28
00:02:05,155 --> 00:02:07,935
So that's three teas, with milk,
no sugar.
29
00:02:07,935 --> 00:02:11,355
You don't deserve any fruitcake.
30
00:02:11,355 --> 00:02:14,715
You know what Confucius
used to say -
31
00:02:14,715 --> 00:02:19,435
"Man without fruitcake
is like bird without tree."
32
00:02:19,435 --> 00:02:21,415
I thought that was Entwistle.
33
00:02:21,415 --> 00:02:24,455
Confucius got that from Entwistle?
34
00:02:24,455 --> 00:02:28,715
That's amazing.
You get dafter, you lot.
35
00:02:28,715 --> 00:02:34,415
You can but try. Didn't I see
you in the street this morning?
36
00:02:34,415 --> 00:02:36,555
You see how she keeps an eye on me?
37
00:02:36,555 --> 00:02:43,335
You weren't alone, I noticed.
Oh...you saw her, did you?
38
00:02:43,335 --> 00:02:45,755
I expect she's not from round here.
39
00:02:45,755 --> 00:02:51,055
Ah, but she might be soon.
Oh, like that, is it?
40
00:02:51,055 --> 00:02:53,495
Not just a casual acquaintance.
41
00:02:53,495 --> 00:02:56,715
My lips are sealed.
42
00:02:56,715 --> 00:02:59,495
Well, I'm sure it's of no interest
to me.
43
00:03:02,295 --> 00:03:05,855
Um...who was this woman?
44
00:03:05,855 --> 00:03:08,375
A cousin on me mam's side.
45
00:03:08,375 --> 00:03:14,475
Nora thinks there's more to it
than that. Then we ought to lead her on a bit. Possibly a lot.
46
00:03:14,475 --> 00:03:18,895
Don't be wicked.
Serves her right for being nosey.
47
00:03:18,895 --> 00:03:21,795
She was raised nosey. They all were.
48
00:03:21,795 --> 00:03:25,355
They kept an eye on one other,
and it kept the place tidy.
49
00:03:25,355 --> 00:03:27,655
They hardly needed a police force.
50
00:03:27,655 --> 00:03:31,375
Go on, then! Let's be wicked.
TEACUPS CLATTER
51
00:03:35,555 --> 00:03:39,375
That's three no sugars
and a piece each,
52
00:03:39,375 --> 00:03:41,835
and I don't want crumbs
all over the yard.
53
00:03:43,775 --> 00:03:46,515
Well, only slightly wicked.
54
00:03:50,835 --> 00:03:55,295
She never looks at me.
I mean, REALLY looks.
55
00:03:55,295 --> 00:03:58,235
Sounds reasonable to me.
56
00:03:58,235 --> 00:04:03,875
It's...disconcerting when you're
supposed to be close.
57
00:04:03,875 --> 00:04:07,995
Well, it's because you're close
that she doesn't look at you.
58
00:04:07,995 --> 00:04:10,215
You don't when you're
living together.
59
00:04:10,215 --> 00:04:13,075
It's nature's way of reducing stress.
60
00:04:14,795 --> 00:04:19,235
People who care
look deep into each other's eyes.
61
00:04:19,235 --> 00:04:23,295
There you go, Howard. I knew you were
going to start getting embarrassing.
62
00:04:23,295 --> 00:04:26,695
I bet your wife used to look deep
into your eyes.
63
00:04:26,695 --> 00:04:29,695
Once, when I got some grit in it.
64
00:04:31,695 --> 00:04:34,695
Do you ever read the personal ads?
65
00:04:34,695 --> 00:04:36,335
I always do,
66
00:04:36,335 --> 00:04:38,375
and I saw this one yesterday.
67
00:04:38,375 --> 00:04:40,015
"Cutey Pie,
68
00:04:40,015 --> 00:04:42,495
"your Golden Boy is available.
69
00:04:42,495 --> 00:04:44,535
"We should meet.
70
00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:47,415
"Reply via these personal ads."
71
00:04:47,415 --> 00:04:51,695
Cutey Pie? Who's this Golden Boy?
72
00:04:51,695 --> 00:04:54,315
I'm wondering if it might be him.
73
00:04:54,315 --> 00:04:59,155
Howard? I know, but they do
get carried away.
74
00:04:59,155 --> 00:05:02,975
Howard as Golden Boy?! That's really
getting carried away.
75
00:05:04,275 --> 00:05:07,355
It might be worth checking.
It might be worth forgetting.
76
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:11,355
I'd love to catch him out.
77
00:05:13,655 --> 00:05:15,355
I can understand that.
78
00:05:19,795 --> 00:05:23,175
Aghhhh!
79
00:05:23,175 --> 00:05:25,575
Aghh!
80
00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:27,915
Whoa-a-a!
81
00:05:28,475 --> 00:05:31,455
CHUCKLING
82
00:05:33,135 --> 00:05:35,415
It's a while since we did that.
83
00:05:35,415 --> 00:05:39,815
Yes, and now I can understand why.
84
00:05:41,395 --> 00:05:44,475
Oh, my left knee says,
"Don't do that again."
85
00:05:44,475 --> 00:05:47,735
What does your right knee say?
86
00:05:47,735 --> 00:05:49,995
Nothing. I think it's sulking.
87
00:05:52,455 --> 00:05:55,215
You should listen to your left knee.
88
00:05:55,215 --> 00:05:57,835
It knows what it's talking about.
89
00:05:57,835 --> 00:06:01,395
Maybe if you trained it,
it could tell fortunes.
90
00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:04,655
I couldn't do with strangers
consulting my knee.
91
00:06:04,655 --> 00:06:07,095
Depends how much it charged.
92
00:06:07,095 --> 00:06:10,575
No. You know what people are like.
93
00:06:10,575 --> 00:06:13,235
They'd come at inconvenient times.
94
00:06:13,235 --> 00:06:16,735
They'd have me rolling
me trouser leg up at all hours.
95
00:06:26,095 --> 00:06:28,655
Tha's breathing heavy, Howard.
96
00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:31,295
The name's Wilkinson.
97
00:06:31,295 --> 00:06:34,175
Give our regards to MRS Wilkinson.
98
00:06:38,235 --> 00:06:43,015
So, we've got Nora Batty
curious about my other woman.
99
00:06:43,015 --> 00:06:45,735
Nora Batty is more curious than that.
100
00:06:45,735 --> 00:06:48,215
We should build on it -
101
00:06:48,215 --> 00:06:50,255
see how nosey she gets.
102
00:06:50,255 --> 00:06:52,315
I don't think there are any limits.
103
00:06:52,315 --> 00:06:55,195
They could nose for England
round here.
104
00:06:55,195 --> 00:07:00,915
Suppose she caught a glimpse of
this woman coming to my house? Yeah.
105
00:07:02,515 --> 00:07:07,595
And suppose you couldn't get
this woman out again?
106
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:10,095
You remember what
happened to Charlie Bradlaw!
107
00:07:10,095 --> 00:07:14,315
Well, yes, but he was half Mexican.
108
00:07:14,315 --> 00:07:16,615
He came from Norfolk.
109
00:07:16,615 --> 00:07:18,295
Close enough.
110
00:07:18,295 --> 00:07:20,135
Anyway, he used to play the piano.
111
00:07:20,135 --> 00:07:22,095
The ladies go for those types.
112
00:07:22,095 --> 00:07:23,655
Alvin'll be fine.
113
00:07:23,655 --> 00:07:25,255
He's totally unattractive.
114
00:07:25,255 --> 00:07:27,815
Have you finished?
115
00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:30,035
It won't be a real woman.
116
00:07:30,035 --> 00:07:34,475
And have you some
unreal woman in mind?
117
00:07:34,475 --> 00:07:37,395
Depends which of you
looks best in a frock.
118
00:07:46,195 --> 00:07:50,955
I was wondering, Miss Davenport,
what do you do in your spare time?
119
00:07:57,175 --> 00:08:03,675
It's very kind of you, Barry,
but you're a happily married man and I feel I must decline.
120
00:08:03,675 --> 00:08:06,735
Don't think I'm not grateful
for the offer.
121
00:08:06,735 --> 00:08:13,775
Actually, I was just hoping for some
ideas on what I might take up as a hobby if I have to give up golf.
122
00:08:13,775 --> 00:08:16,915
Oh! Nicely done, Barry.
123
00:08:16,915 --> 00:08:19,395
I like a man
who knows how to recover.
124
00:08:20,535 --> 00:08:23,735
Trust me. I'm a librarian.
125
00:08:23,735 --> 00:08:25,295
Discretion is our watchword.
126
00:08:25,295 --> 00:08:28,495
Our little secret is safe with me.
127
00:08:28,495 --> 00:08:33,075
Secret? That you're attracted to me.
128
00:08:33,075 --> 00:08:36,495
Oh, if only it were not forbidden.
129
00:08:36,495 --> 00:08:39,175
But we must be strong, Barry.
130
00:08:39,175 --> 00:08:41,075
Strong?
131
00:08:41,075 --> 00:08:44,795
Maybe that's it. Have you got
anything on body-building?
132
00:08:46,395 --> 00:08:50,455
Oh, dear, don't develop
enormous muscles just for me.
133
00:08:50,455 --> 00:08:52,215
They'd only be redundant.
134
00:08:52,215 --> 00:08:53,935
Wow...
135
00:08:53,935 --> 00:08:55,855
is it that time already?
136
00:08:57,575 --> 00:09:00,615
You're leaving? Yes.
137
00:09:00,615 --> 00:09:02,495
Perhaps it's best.
138
00:09:04,155 --> 00:09:06,675
Our secret, Barry.
139
00:09:17,204 --> 00:09:19,164
'Do not move.
140
00:09:19,164 --> 00:09:21,364
'These premises are electrified.
141
00:09:21,364 --> 00:09:23,364
'Stay behind the white line.'
142
00:09:26,064 --> 00:09:30,124
Call me cynical, but I don't
believe they're electrified.
143
00:09:30,124 --> 00:09:32,524
She'd never run up such a bill.
144
00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:38,764
Is the door electrified?
145
00:09:38,764 --> 00:09:40,484
Shall we ever get out?
146
00:09:40,484 --> 00:09:43,364
Out? You've only just come in.
147
00:09:43,364 --> 00:09:46,624
Well, I'm missing outside already.
148
00:09:46,624 --> 00:09:49,384
Where's your pride, man?
Be a good loser.
149
00:09:50,964 --> 00:09:52,524
We haven't lost anything yet.
150
00:09:52,524 --> 00:09:54,684
Give it time.
151
00:09:54,684 --> 00:09:56,544
Now, what can I assist you with?
152
00:09:56,544 --> 00:10:00,024
Though I must warn you
there are no reductions for groups.
153
00:10:00,024 --> 00:10:02,324
What have you got
in women's clothing?
154
00:10:02,324 --> 00:10:04,104
Well, there's me for a start.
155
00:10:05,684 --> 00:10:07,304
But I'm reserved.
156
00:10:08,544 --> 00:10:12,104
Reserved for who?
For Mr Right, when he comes along.
157
00:10:12,104 --> 00:10:15,864
Well, that'll be a treat
for somebody(!)
158
00:10:15,864 --> 00:10:19,084
And what will he look like,
Mr Right, do you think?
159
00:10:19,084 --> 00:10:20,884
Worried.
160
00:10:20,884 --> 00:10:23,224
I'll know him when I see him.
161
00:10:24,804 --> 00:10:26,644
Tha's left it a bit late.
162
00:10:28,244 --> 00:10:32,804
That's because I've never
met anyone as fascinating as my one true love...
163
00:10:32,804 --> 00:10:34,844
MEN: Aw-w-w...
164
00:10:34,844 --> 00:10:36,844
..money.
165
00:10:38,644 --> 00:10:40,644
Now, how much can I rid you of?
166
00:10:40,644 --> 00:10:44,304
Don't look at me. It's Billy's idea.
167
00:10:44,304 --> 00:10:47,604
And he's an idiot,
which will give you some idea.
168
00:10:47,604 --> 00:10:50,044
A bloke has to start somewhere.
169
00:10:50,044 --> 00:10:52,644
Idiot seemed
as good a place as any.
170
00:10:52,644 --> 00:10:55,064
We need something cheap in a frock.
171
00:10:55,064 --> 00:10:59,284
There used to be plenty,
but now they wear jeans.
172
00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,924
We need the frock, just the frock.
173
00:11:01,924 --> 00:11:04,484
We'll fill it ourselves. I see.
174
00:11:04,484 --> 00:11:06,244
A takeaway, is it?
175
00:11:06,244 --> 00:11:07,864
What size?
176
00:11:07,864 --> 00:11:13,024
Flexible. We haven't decided yet
who's going to be wearing it.
177
00:11:13,024 --> 00:11:16,444
And who do you think
might be this lucky person?
178
00:11:16,444 --> 00:11:18,144
ALL: Him!
179
00:11:20,324 --> 00:11:22,304
Well? It's in.
180
00:11:23,904 --> 00:11:26,764
"Golden Boy,
Cutey Pie will be at the Monkey
181
00:11:26,764 --> 00:11:28,804
"tonight at seven."
182
00:11:28,804 --> 00:11:31,024
Oh, I hope it's him.
183
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:34,604
I'll give him more Cutey Pie
than he can handle.
184
00:11:34,604 --> 00:11:37,944
You're coming with me.
What'll I tell Travis?
185
00:11:37,944 --> 00:11:40,224
Tell him you're
helping a friend out.
186
00:11:40,224 --> 00:11:42,704
I'll make sure he
changes his library books.
187
00:11:42,704 --> 00:11:45,024
If he's got plenty to read,
he's not so bad.
188
00:11:45,024 --> 00:11:49,284
Supposing it turns out to be some
stranger? Stranger than Howard?
189
00:11:49,284 --> 00:11:51,964
That's going some!
190
00:11:51,964 --> 00:11:55,184
Don't worry - he won't know us.
191
00:11:55,184 --> 00:11:59,064
Why not?
We'll change our appearance a bit.
192
00:11:59,064 --> 00:12:00,664
Good idea.
193
00:12:00,664 --> 00:12:03,764
I don't want to get
involved with some stranger.
194
00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:09,084
If he's not a toy boy he'll be at
that age where all they're looking for is first aid and feeding.
195
00:12:09,084 --> 00:12:11,204
You mean there's more?
196
00:12:16,244 --> 00:12:18,704
There's no sign of Nora.
197
00:12:18,704 --> 00:12:21,784
A situation I'd normally
be inclined to leave alone.
198
00:12:21,784 --> 00:12:25,304
When she hears the door
she'll soon be at the window.
199
00:12:25,304 --> 00:12:27,484
She mustn't see too close,
just a glimpse.
200
00:12:31,304 --> 00:12:34,284
Just a glimpse is TOO close
from where I'm standing.
201
00:12:34,284 --> 00:12:36,364
You look divine, Billy.
202
00:12:36,364 --> 00:12:37,844
We were all remarking.
203
00:12:40,984 --> 00:12:43,804
I look a pillock, is how I look.
204
00:12:43,804 --> 00:12:47,864
Steady on. You're speaking
of the woman Nora thinks is mine.
205
00:12:47,864 --> 00:12:50,364
I'm just glad our Robin's
not alive to see this.
206
00:12:50,364 --> 00:12:53,004
Me, Keeper of the Flame!
207
00:12:53,004 --> 00:12:55,904
I think your wick needs adjusting.
208
00:12:55,904 --> 00:13:00,444
There's DNA behind this brassiere
that belonged to Robin Hood.
209
00:13:00,444 --> 00:13:02,244
Robin Hood wore a bra?
210
00:13:02,244 --> 00:13:04,044
Not many people know that.
211
00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:12,964
SWITCHES VACUUM OFF
212
00:13:12,964 --> 00:13:18,764
Barry, it's a waste of your time off
if you're just going to sit around the house all day.
213
00:13:20,604 --> 00:13:22,764
Hello.
214
00:13:22,764 --> 00:13:25,644
Come in, number 22.
215
00:13:25,644 --> 00:13:27,904
I'm speaking to you, Barry.
216
00:13:28,844 --> 00:13:31,324
Oh, yeah...thanks.
217
00:13:31,324 --> 00:13:33,864
You're on auto pilot, Barry.
218
00:13:33,864 --> 00:13:36,624
Will you please land
and pay attention to me?
219
00:13:38,224 --> 00:13:41,964
Oh, Barry! Go out and change
your library book or something.
220
00:13:41,964 --> 00:13:43,584
Library?
221
00:13:43,584 --> 00:13:46,804
What made you say that? I'm going
nowhere near the library.
222
00:13:46,804 --> 00:13:48,504
It was only a suggestion.
223
00:13:48,504 --> 00:13:51,284
I've stopped reading.
I'm renouncing reading.
224
00:13:51,284 --> 00:13:53,444
Barry, you love reading.
225
00:13:53,444 --> 00:13:55,824
Not any more. It's dangerous.
226
00:14:17,364 --> 00:14:19,064
Catch you later, hot potato.
227
00:14:20,364 --> 00:14:21,824
The Monkey at seven!
228
00:14:21,824 --> 00:14:27,264
# I'll be in my heaven
at the Monkey at seven. #
229
00:14:34,364 --> 00:14:36,204
What you fidgeting for?
230
00:14:36,204 --> 00:14:38,724
You've been shuffling about all day.
231
00:14:38,724 --> 00:14:40,444
It's these underpants.
232
00:14:40,444 --> 00:14:43,084
My wife shrinks my underpants.
233
00:14:43,084 --> 00:14:44,984
You mean, they've shrunk in t'wash.
234
00:14:44,984 --> 00:14:49,004
No. I mean she goes out of her
way to shrink my underpants.
235
00:14:49,004 --> 00:14:51,344
You should buy bigger.
236
00:14:51,344 --> 00:14:54,904
They were bigger.
There was room for a granny flat.
237
00:14:54,904 --> 00:14:57,904
She gets hold of them
and turns them into stranglers.
238
00:14:57,904 --> 00:15:01,424
It's a terrible way to go -
slow strangulation.
239
00:15:01,424 --> 00:15:04,784
Why would she deliberately
shrink your underpants?
240
00:15:04,784 --> 00:15:07,384
It's obviously
deeply Freudian, isn't it?
241
00:15:07,384 --> 00:15:10,364
I really don't want
to get into that.
242
00:15:10,364 --> 00:15:14,604
Sounds like you'd be better
getting into that than getting into your underpants.
243
00:15:14,604 --> 00:15:16,464
You see? People think it's funny.
244
00:15:16,464 --> 00:15:19,884
You get no sympathy
for abuse from your underpants.
245
00:15:19,884 --> 00:15:21,604
Are they jockey shorts?
246
00:15:21,604 --> 00:15:22,804
They are now.
247
00:15:28,544 --> 00:15:32,264
Did you see that
terrible-looking bird?
248
00:15:33,384 --> 00:15:36,364
Now that could
terminally shrink your underpants.
249
00:15:39,244 --> 00:15:41,864
They just take you for granted.
250
00:15:41,864 --> 00:15:45,824
You know, for a while
you're Mr Magic and then...
251
00:15:45,824 --> 00:15:49,144
you start coming
second to the furniture.
252
00:15:49,144 --> 00:15:51,924
Second's not bad
if they're house-proud.
253
00:15:51,924 --> 00:15:54,204
You know what really hurts?
254
00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:58,464
It's that
it's not even new furniture.
255
00:15:58,464 --> 00:16:03,724
A girl has to adjust. The world
never comes up to expectations.
256
00:16:03,724 --> 00:16:05,444
How is Howard?
257
00:16:05,444 --> 00:16:11,664
In relation to being
swept off your feet, Howard is more your feather duster.
258
00:16:14,064 --> 00:16:18,644
Sometimes one finds one has admirers
in the most unexpected quarters.
259
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:22,784
It would help if a girl
could be sure which of her quarters was most admired.
260
00:16:22,784 --> 00:16:28,024
If you see me smiling,
it will be at Miss Davenport.
261
00:16:28,024 --> 00:16:30,924
I can't say I recognize
the other lady.
262
00:16:33,384 --> 00:16:37,304
Steady, Barry. Tha's just been where
very few have trod.
263
00:16:38,104 --> 00:16:39,944
Where are you going, Barry?
264
00:16:39,944 --> 00:16:41,664
I can't stop.
265
00:16:41,664 --> 00:16:44,104
I have to
help this lady with her mortgage.
266
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:47,944
Gerr-off! I'm warning thee, Barry,
I'm already spoken for.
267
00:16:49,744 --> 00:16:53,564
Barry must be in a panic to
snatch the first available female.
268
00:16:53,564 --> 00:16:55,844
Especially when it looks like Billy.
269
00:16:55,844 --> 00:16:57,644
Especially when it IS Billy.
270
00:16:59,444 --> 00:17:01,104
Now what?
271
00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:03,164
It's like going on a blind date.
272
00:17:03,164 --> 00:17:06,724
And I never had much luck with
those. That's how I met Howard.
273
00:17:06,724 --> 00:17:09,084
No. No, I tell a lie.
274
00:17:09,084 --> 00:17:11,024
He sort of crept up on me.
275
00:17:11,024 --> 00:17:14,644
Travis was more of
a sort of RSPCA job.
276
00:17:14,644 --> 00:17:16,924
I rescued him from a bad owner -
277
00:17:16,924 --> 00:17:18,844
his mother.
278
00:17:18,844 --> 00:17:24,024
It starts out of sympathy and before
you know it they're sprawling on your sofa and sleeping in your bed.
279
00:17:24,024 --> 00:17:26,084
As long as they don't leave hairs.
280
00:17:26,084 --> 00:17:28,164
He's very faithful.
281
00:17:28,164 --> 00:17:29,844
Howard's very...
282
00:17:29,844 --> 00:17:31,724
Howard.
283
00:17:31,724 --> 00:17:34,304
I'll give him Golden Boy!
284
00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:38,824
The thing is, I don't want him
recognizing me until it's too late.
285
00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:41,424
If he sees me from a distance,
he'll do a runner.
286
00:17:41,424 --> 00:17:45,384
Slap a bit of paint on. That should
do it. Do you think so?
287
00:17:45,384 --> 00:17:47,644
Oh, it's like stealth technology.
288
00:17:47,644 --> 00:17:50,304
It makes the real you
invisible to radar.
289
00:18:04,844 --> 00:18:07,504
I've never been so embarrassed.
290
00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:09,824
You should wear
all this more often,
291
00:18:09,824 --> 00:18:11,684
then you probably will be.
292
00:18:11,684 --> 00:18:14,944
This is no kind of rig
for an outlaw chief.
293
00:18:14,944 --> 00:18:16,764
Chief of what?
294
00:18:16,764 --> 00:18:20,184
All right, I admit,
recruitment's a bit slow.
295
00:18:20,184 --> 00:18:22,604
There's only me
and him from Cleckheaton,
296
00:18:22,604 --> 00:18:25,344
and he thinks we're doing
it for the environment.
297
00:18:25,344 --> 00:18:30,044
What happened to
Roger of Huddersfield? His mother came and took him home.
298
00:18:30,044 --> 00:18:32,124
You should have
recruited his mother.
299
00:18:32,124 --> 00:18:34,904
We tried,
but she failed Basic Ambush.
300
00:18:34,904 --> 00:18:37,944
Billy,
you're the last of the Samurai.
301
00:18:37,944 --> 00:18:41,184
I didn't feel like it
in that frock.
302
00:18:41,184 --> 00:18:44,004
Robin Hood used to wear tights.
303
00:18:44,004 --> 00:18:46,544
Not with a girdle.
304
00:18:46,544 --> 00:18:49,884
You were great, Billy.
It did the trick.
305
00:18:49,884 --> 00:18:51,564
It nearly did my head in.
306
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:56,304
I do not appreciate
a drunk outside a pub offering to show me a good time.
307
00:19:08,524 --> 00:19:15,404
Well, I suppose if he's free and
single he's entitled to a woman.
308
00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:18,944
But do you think he should
be bringing them to the house?
309
00:19:18,944 --> 00:19:21,164
Them? Is he running bus trips?
310
00:19:21,164 --> 00:19:25,284
I've only glimpsed one,
but that could be just the start.
311
00:19:25,284 --> 00:19:27,804
What is she like, then, this one?
312
00:19:27,804 --> 00:19:30,204
I've only seen her from the back.
313
00:19:30,204 --> 00:19:32,484
I haven't seen her face...yet. Yet?
314
00:19:32,484 --> 00:19:35,724
Are you expecting to see her again?
315
00:19:35,724 --> 00:19:38,444
He's meeting her
at the Monkey at seven.
316
00:19:38,444 --> 00:19:41,284
That's a long way out.
317
00:19:41,284 --> 00:19:43,344
See what I mean?
318
00:19:43,344 --> 00:19:45,164
Suspicious.
319
00:19:45,164 --> 00:19:49,704
I mean, how respectable can it be if
he daren't be seen with it locally?
320
00:19:50,964 --> 00:19:57,524
And in the meantime, if we happened
to be at the Monkey at about seven?
321
00:19:57,524 --> 00:20:03,104
I want to know
who he's bringing home. I'm not living next door to any trollop.
322
00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:09,904
Well, wouldn't you think people
would mind their own business?!
323
00:20:13,844 --> 00:20:16,384
TOOTS HORN
324
00:20:50,484 --> 00:20:53,184
Man in big hurry catch early worm.
325
00:20:54,424 --> 00:20:57,844
"Man in big hurry catch early worm"?
326
00:20:57,844 --> 00:21:00,004
Where did you get that from?
327
00:21:00,004 --> 00:21:02,444
Wise man from Hull teach that.
328
00:21:02,444 --> 00:21:05,064
Of course,
for best effect you need worm.
329
00:21:19,004 --> 00:21:22,624
It's kind of you to drive us
all this way, Barry.
330
00:21:22,624 --> 00:21:24,724
Barry doesn't mind. ..Do you, Barry?
331
00:21:24,724 --> 00:21:28,804
I don't, actually.
There's safety in numbers.
332
00:21:28,804 --> 00:21:31,504
Safety?
What's he feeling unsafe about?
333
00:21:31,504 --> 00:21:34,584
Oh, you know,
just speaking generally.
334
00:21:34,584 --> 00:21:37,944
Life comes up with these
unexpected dangers.
335
00:21:37,944 --> 00:21:41,964
He's right. I once had to
change our insurance man.
336
00:21:41,964 --> 00:21:43,704
You never said.
337
00:21:43,704 --> 00:21:47,604
And risk people saying
there's no smoke without fire?
338
00:21:47,604 --> 00:21:50,224
Barry's my insurance man.
339
00:21:50,224 --> 00:21:52,004
I'd never change him.
340
00:21:52,004 --> 00:21:56,084
You maybe would if he jumped at you
in the wash house.
341
00:21:56,084 --> 00:21:59,444
What were you doing in the
wash house on insurance day?
342
00:21:59,444 --> 00:22:03,484
I was fighting off the insurance
man, that's what I was doing.
343
00:22:03,484 --> 00:22:05,164
I thought he'd gone.
344
00:22:05,164 --> 00:22:08,284
He said he'd come back to look
for his bulldog clip.
345
00:22:08,284 --> 00:22:13,264
I thought, "Yes, mister,
there's no way you're going to find it where YOU'RE looking!"
346
00:22:13,264 --> 00:22:16,104
Barry thinks reading's dangerous.
347
00:22:17,564 --> 00:22:19,784
He's right.
348
00:22:19,784 --> 00:22:24,204
Our Ethel always had her head in a
book and look what happened to her.
349
00:22:24,204 --> 00:22:25,984
She had a good career.
350
00:22:25,984 --> 00:22:27,884
She was very successful.
351
00:22:27,884 --> 00:22:30,924
Having to get dressed up every day?
352
00:22:30,924 --> 00:22:39,004
She's the only female in our family
who's never known the comfort of a full-length, shapeless apron.
353
00:22:39,004 --> 00:22:43,524
Inside a full-length, shapeless
apron you can let yourself go a bit.
354
00:22:43,524 --> 00:22:45,564
Or even a lot.
355
00:22:45,564 --> 00:22:50,184
Which, I suppose, in the end is the
best defence against insurance men.
356
00:22:58,324 --> 00:23:00,804
Looks like a Howard-free zone.
357
00:23:00,804 --> 00:23:03,484
Give him time. We're early yet.
358
00:23:03,484 --> 00:23:05,964
Is he really as sneaky as this?
359
00:23:05,964 --> 00:23:07,424
Trust me.
360
00:23:09,264 --> 00:23:11,344
He looks suspicious.
361
00:23:12,904 --> 00:23:14,884
They all look suspicious.
362
00:23:14,884 --> 00:23:19,544
Who's going to come all the way
out here unless they're up to something sneaky?
363
00:23:19,544 --> 00:23:21,544
Whoops!
364
00:23:31,444 --> 00:23:36,104
I know it's a long way,
but I'm beginning to think that's the secret.
365
00:23:36,104 --> 00:23:39,924
It's a secret you can keep,
as far as I'm concerned.
366
00:23:39,924 --> 00:23:44,824
I always think there's safety
in long distance.
367
00:23:44,824 --> 00:23:46,984
That gives a girl heart -
368
00:23:46,984 --> 00:23:52,344
to think when she's come all this
way, at least she'll be safe.
369
00:23:52,344 --> 00:23:55,004
Don't worry.
We'll take the shortcut.
370
00:23:55,004 --> 00:23:56,644
Where's the shortcut?
371
00:23:56,644 --> 00:24:02,864
WESTERN AMERICAN ACCENT:
Stick with me, Honey Bun. I know this country.
372
00:24:08,264 --> 00:24:12,404
I don't see any sign
of your neighbour and his woman.
373
00:24:12,404 --> 00:24:16,524
He said the Monkey. I distinctly
heard him say the Monkey.
374
00:24:16,524 --> 00:24:19,484
Are you sure it was tonight?
375
00:24:19,484 --> 00:24:24,104
It must be tonight.
He didn't mention any other night.
376
00:24:24,104 --> 00:24:27,024
Are you sure we've got the right pub?
377
00:24:27,024 --> 00:24:28,804
It was this pub.
378
00:24:28,804 --> 00:24:31,004
I'm sure it was this pub.
379
00:24:31,004 --> 00:24:33,284
Well, it's way past seven.
380
00:24:33,284 --> 00:24:36,004
I hope we haven't
wasted your time, Barry.
381
00:24:36,004 --> 00:24:40,384
We weren't doing anything. I thought
we're going to visit your Auntie Jessie.
382
00:24:40,384 --> 00:24:44,024
I thought coming here was instead.
No. We can go later.
383
00:24:44,024 --> 00:24:46,104
It's time you paid a visit.
384
00:24:46,104 --> 00:24:48,844
We went last year. Barry!
385
00:24:48,844 --> 00:24:52,184
Looks like you're going
to see your Auntie Jessie.
386
00:24:52,184 --> 00:24:55,984
I wouldn't care, but she talks
about her daughter all the time -
387
00:24:55,984 --> 00:24:59,524
the outstanding unknown
genius of Western civilization(!)
388
00:24:59,524 --> 00:25:02,484
Teaches handicrafts. Barry!
389
00:25:02,484 --> 00:25:05,744
Every time we go, we have to
buy another hand-thrown pot.
390
00:25:10,844 --> 00:25:15,104
So this is what Mother meant
when she warned me. Warned you?
391
00:25:15,104 --> 00:25:19,464
About men who offer
to show you a shortcut.
392
00:25:25,924 --> 00:25:27,424
All right!
393
00:25:29,124 --> 00:25:33,024
Which one of you two beauties
is Cutey Pie?
394
00:25:35,164 --> 00:25:37,364
We thought you might be.
395
00:25:37,364 --> 00:25:39,384
Do I look like Cutey Pie?
396
00:25:39,384 --> 00:25:41,804
You could be having an off-day.
397
00:25:41,804 --> 00:25:43,664
I'm his wife.
398
00:25:43,664 --> 00:25:45,564
I'm Mrs Golden Boy.
399
00:25:45,564 --> 00:25:47,944
Lucky him.
400
00:25:47,944 --> 00:25:52,004
I was hoping the advert would
bring you out into the daylight.
401
00:25:52,004 --> 00:25:54,524
Although I didn't expect twins.
402
00:25:54,524 --> 00:25:56,084
You know what it's like.
403
00:25:56,084 --> 00:25:58,924
You get older - you need help.
404
00:25:58,924 --> 00:26:00,744
My money's on you.
405
00:26:00,744 --> 00:26:02,404
You look more the type.
406
00:26:02,404 --> 00:26:06,544
Oh, thank you very much.
I'll take that as a compliment.
407
00:26:06,544 --> 00:26:10,724
At my age you're glad
if anything still shows.
408
00:26:10,724 --> 00:26:13,184
Where does that leave me?
409
00:26:13,184 --> 00:26:16,584
You look more
ferocious than flighty.
410
00:26:16,584 --> 00:26:19,084
Is there a purpose
to this conversation?
411
00:26:19,084 --> 00:26:22,104
There is. I put the advert in.
412
00:26:22,104 --> 00:26:24,304
He knows nothing about it.
413
00:26:26,024 --> 00:26:28,364
I was hoping it would flush you out.
414
00:26:28,364 --> 00:26:30,124
Could we enquire why?
415
00:26:30,124 --> 00:26:32,244
To see if you're still interested.
416
00:26:32,244 --> 00:26:36,324
If you are, I'll give you
his address. You can take him.
417
00:26:36,324 --> 00:26:39,504
He's got eight suits in the
wardrobe. I'll throw them in too.
418
00:26:59,644 --> 00:27:03,064
BARKS
419
00:27:05,804 --> 00:27:08,784
Hey up, lass! Tha looks
like tha's had a rough ride.
420
00:27:08,784 --> 00:27:10,384
Tell me about it.
421
00:27:11,964 --> 00:27:15,304
I found this young lady
lost in the wilderness.
422
00:27:15,304 --> 00:27:19,124
Fair enough, but did you
have to drag her through it?
423
00:27:19,124 --> 00:27:20,584
They'll make it up.
424
00:27:20,584 --> 00:27:23,544
He should buy her little gift.
Maybe new washing machine.
425
00:27:27,144 --> 00:27:30,184
LOUD BARKING
426
00:27:31,664 --> 00:27:33,584
There they are - look.
427
00:27:33,584 --> 00:27:35,644
I told you it was this pub.
428
00:27:35,644 --> 00:27:38,424
Ye Gods! Look at the state of her.
429
00:27:38,424 --> 00:27:41,284
He's not started
bringing that home, is he?
430
00:27:41,284 --> 00:27:44,424
Maybe she has a nice personality.
431
00:27:44,424 --> 00:27:49,944
In a skirt as short as that it makes
you wonder where she keeps it.
432
00:27:49,944 --> 00:27:53,504
Wow! It is rather short.
433
00:27:53,504 --> 00:27:56,264
You just keep your
mind on Auntie Jessie.
434
00:28:27,964 --> 00:28:30,664
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
435
00:28:43,704 --> 00:28:46,244
Ah, narrow squeak there, Howard.
436
00:28:46,244 --> 00:28:48,864
The eagle eye of Nora Batty.
437
00:28:48,864 --> 00:28:52,544
It could have been worse.
There's one eye even eagler.
438
00:28:55,564 --> 00:28:57,864
She's with him!
439
00:28:57,914 --> 00:29:02,464
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