Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,740 --> 00:00:04,100
WOMEN SHRIEK WITH LAUGHTER
Billy!
2
00:00:04,860 --> 00:00:07,320
Tha's looking for
a female companion.
3
00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:09,640
I'm looking to get rid
of the wife's sister.
4
00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:11,560
It's the perfect solution.
5
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:14,760
Oh, I wouldn't say perfect.
6
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,220
She's quite...
7
00:00:16,220 --> 00:00:19,860
well, very nearly, quite attractive.
8
00:00:19,860 --> 00:00:21,640
If you don't mind the warts.
9
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,400
We talked about blemishes.
10
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:25,420
He's not expecting perfection.
11
00:00:25,420 --> 00:00:28,920
He'd consider
loss of leg, going bald.
12
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,560
Still her own teeth.
13
00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:33,220
She's got a full set!
14
00:00:33,220 --> 00:00:35,140
What about facial hair?
15
00:00:35,140 --> 00:00:37,680
Yes. With nearly every wart.
16
00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:40,500
You've got lucky again, Smiler.
17
00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:42,580
Is this uncanny or what?
18
00:00:42,580 --> 00:00:45,360
He doesn't mind warts, do you?
19
00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:47,780
It depends on the bits in between.
20
00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:52,600
The warts are the best bits. But -
21
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:56,580
she'd be company for you
in the winter of your years.
22
00:00:56,580 --> 00:00:58,980
Sounds like another hard winter.
23
00:01:44,420 --> 00:01:46,120
Don't forget your jacket!
24
00:02:02,540 --> 00:02:05,800
Well,
let's look at what we've got here.
25
00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,760
Billy wants a good home
for his wife's sister.
26
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:10,780
And the wife, if there's room.
27
00:02:10,780 --> 00:02:13,140
Don't be greedy!
28
00:02:13,140 --> 00:02:16,920
The first move is to find someone
to soften up your sister-in-law.
29
00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:18,720
I don't think she does soft.
30
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:22,680
She's a lean, mean, man-eating
machine. She terrified Smiler.
31
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:24,340
He didn't last one round.
32
00:02:24,340 --> 00:02:27,300
She needs something
swifter than Smiler.
33
00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:31,260
Who do we know that's
irresistible to the ladies?
34
00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:35,060
I'm retired.
35
00:02:35,060 --> 00:02:38,260
Who says Alvin's irresistible
to the ladies anyway?
36
00:02:38,260 --> 00:02:40,340
It's just a gift.
37
00:02:40,340 --> 00:02:42,540
If you're born with it,
what can you do?
38
00:02:42,540 --> 00:02:45,500
You can use it in the service
of your fellow man.
39
00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:48,260
Perhaps you can bring a smile
back to Billy's wife's sister.
40
00:02:48,260 --> 00:02:50,040
Smile?
41
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:52,080
She'll die laughing if he turns up!
42
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:56,060
We have advantages
undreamed of by tall blokes.
43
00:02:56,060 --> 00:03:00,040
No, I've hung up my aftershave,
sold my hairpiece.
44
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:03,840
You need Crowcroft.
45
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,700
Is he between marriages? Again?
46
00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:08,420
He must be.
47
00:03:08,420 --> 00:03:11,360
He's doing his
flower-arranging classes again.
48
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:14,860
That's where he pulls
all his old birds.
49
00:03:18,260 --> 00:03:20,180
Let me in, Cleggy!
50
00:03:20,180 --> 00:03:23,140
It's dangerous for
husbands out here.
51
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:30,540
(Cleggy!)
52
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:46,160
He comes starting down the line,
passing two defenders...
53
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,960
How long's he been like this?
54
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,500
Seems longer.
55
00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:54,440
They say they're
a comfort in your old age.
56
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:56,240
I thought that was pets.
57
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,600
Oh, that does sound more plausible.
58
00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:15,060
It gets more like
the Costa del Closet every day.
59
00:04:15,060 --> 00:04:19,060
I wonder if Crowcroft
could tackle that.
60
00:04:19,060 --> 00:04:22,180
Never mind her,
I want to book him for my problem.
61
00:04:22,180 --> 00:04:25,340
I know, but what a wonderful
training exercise for him.
62
00:04:25,340 --> 00:04:28,820
If he had to sharpen his skills
first on Nora Batty.
63
00:04:28,820 --> 00:04:32,620
Let's do it. I need someone
to distract her attention from me.
64
00:04:35,820 --> 00:04:39,460
You can't send Crowcroft
up against that.
65
00:04:39,460 --> 00:04:41,940
The man's supposed
to be a ladykiller.
66
00:04:41,940 --> 00:04:44,460
There'll be nowt left
for my sister-in-law.
67
00:04:44,460 --> 00:04:48,800
Your sister-in-law will look twice as
good after Nora's mauled him a bit.
68
00:04:54,260 --> 00:04:57,400
Have you nothing better to do
than keep staring at people?
69
00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:00,000
There's a cup left in the pot
if you'd care to join us.
70
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,100
I don't think so!
71
00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:07,180
Nora Batty lounging
under a brolly with three men?
72
00:05:08,260 --> 00:05:10,980
My lips will stay sealed,
I promise you that!
73
00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,460
CRASHING FROM OUTSIDE
74
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,560
You're looking for
another billet, Crowcroft.
75
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:15,380
Somewhere to put your feet up,
let the little woman take the strain.
76
00:06:15,380 --> 00:06:17,820
Before winter would be nice.
77
00:06:17,820 --> 00:06:20,480
There's no such thing
as winter at Mrs Batty's.
78
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:23,480
Every day is summertime.
79
00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:25,700
Mind you, it can get a bit hot.
80
00:06:25,700 --> 00:06:31,480
Up those steps, Crowcroft,
is some of the finest gravy in the Western world.
81
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,760
Does a good gravy, does she?
82
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,780
And her puddings aren't bad either.
83
00:06:35,780 --> 00:06:40,460
But is she attractive?
To mosquitoes maybe!
84
00:06:40,460 --> 00:06:46,220
Pay no heed. Anyway, does attractive
really matter at your age?
85
00:06:46,220 --> 00:06:48,320
It better be really good gravy.
86
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:51,840
The finest.
And she keeps the house spotless.
87
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,000
But I'm used to attractive, you see.
88
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,540
I did all my training on attractive.
89
00:06:56,540 --> 00:06:59,640
Do you fancy a drink?
That sounds attractive.
90
00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:09,960
Ah, the boys in blue.
91
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:15,060
What adventurous and, dare I say it,
romantic lives you must lead.
92
00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:17,280
We've been looking through
a dustbin for evidence.
93
00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:21,340
We washed our hands!
94
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,760
Heavens! Did you find your evidence?
95
00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:28,220
Aye, covered in sardine paste.
96
00:07:28,220 --> 00:07:30,100
I thought it was crab.
97
00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:32,800
Mine was sardine.
The grey bits were crab.
98
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:35,560
How could you tell?
99
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:37,780
Police powers of observation.
100
00:07:37,780 --> 00:07:39,800
We did the fish paste course
at Police College.
101
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:41,380
Passed everything but anchovy.
102
00:07:41,380 --> 00:07:44,340
Well, they're going to
let us retake anchovy.
103
00:07:44,340 --> 00:07:47,120
Can you stick this where
the good citizens can see it?
104
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,400
Yes, of course! Oh!
105
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,000
What wickedness is he wanted for?
106
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,600
He looks a brute.
107
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,380
That's the chief constable.
108
00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,680
Oh!
109
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,520
Brutes are our business.
110
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:04,400
You get used to putting
your life on the line.
111
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,000
I'd love to hear your stories.
112
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,600
Official secrets.
113
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:10,780
National security.
114
00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:16,300
CAR TOOTS
115
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:40,800
Look at the security she'd offer.
116
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:44,760
Your own bouncer and it cooks
and cleans. I bet it bites.
117
00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:48,060
And I bet it goes septic.
118
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:50,060
Ignore him.
119
00:08:50,060 --> 00:08:52,400
You could soften her up,
Crowcroft.
120
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,620
She'd be putty in your hands.
121
00:08:54,620 --> 00:08:57,340
Accept the challenge, Crowcroft.
It could be your finest hour.
122
00:08:57,340 --> 00:08:59,900
And your last.
123
00:08:59,900 --> 00:09:04,580
Are you ordering or are you just
taking advantage of the facilities?
124
00:09:04,580 --> 00:09:06,860
Four of your delicious teas
please, Ivy.
125
00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:12,580
Make that three!
126
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:22,700
I'll have to go. It's very kind
of you to think of me, but a chap can't live off gravy alone.
127
00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:27,980
Don't judge her by the way
she looks now.
128
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,100
She usually wears curlers.
129
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:40,140
Is that him that does the flowers?
130
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:42,900
So I believe.
131
00:09:42,900 --> 00:09:45,140
Although I think he may have
just lost a few petals.
132
00:09:47,345 --> 00:09:49,385
Of course, I've never been married.
133
00:09:49,385 --> 00:09:51,345
There's no of course about it.
134
00:09:51,345 --> 00:09:54,285
You must be exceptionally
quick on your feet.
135
00:09:54,285 --> 00:09:58,145
I never knew I had a husband
until he went back to his wife.
136
00:09:58,145 --> 00:10:00,165
It must be wonderful.
137
00:10:00,165 --> 00:10:04,145
After a day's work,
knowing there's someone waiting.
138
00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:07,605
For his tea. And a shirt ironing.
139
00:10:07,605 --> 00:10:11,385
I bet you wouldn't exchange
it for a lonely single life.
140
00:10:11,385 --> 00:10:13,565
Can you exchange it just like that?
141
00:10:13,565 --> 00:10:16,445
Oh,
the library service is improving.
142
00:10:16,445 --> 00:10:19,885
It used to be just books
that you could exchange here.
143
00:10:21,465 --> 00:10:23,845
Flower arranging?
144
00:10:23,845 --> 00:10:26,885
Is Crowcroft
between lodgings again?
145
00:10:26,885 --> 00:10:28,885
If it's company
you're looking for...
146
00:10:28,885 --> 00:10:32,405
I've already had one bad experience
with Mr Crowcroft.
147
00:10:32,405 --> 00:10:37,165
Oh, you want to pick yourself up
and get back into the saddle.
148
00:10:37,165 --> 00:10:40,205
I never really trust men
with bow-ties.
149
00:10:40,205 --> 00:10:43,705
How about bow legs?
They're not so reliable either.
150
00:10:43,705 --> 00:10:47,365
No, I can't say I like bow legs.
151
00:10:47,365 --> 00:10:53,525
But by the time they're drawn
to your attention, it's too late for changing your mind.
152
00:10:59,725 --> 00:11:05,145
I think it's very rude when people
speak so low you can't overhear.
153
00:11:05,145 --> 00:11:07,705
I hate it when customers whisper.
154
00:11:07,705 --> 00:11:12,525
You never know whether they're
complaining or on about something much more interesting.
155
00:11:36,465 --> 00:11:38,645
Pull up a chair, Mrs Batty.
156
00:11:45,745 --> 00:11:47,705
So, what do we do now?
157
00:11:47,705 --> 00:11:48,865
Crowcroft's gone.
158
00:11:48,865 --> 00:11:51,085
We've lost him. He was nearly there.
159
00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:53,285
One final push
and we'd have had him.
160
00:11:55,385 --> 00:11:57,765
We forgot Nora's fruit cake.
161
00:11:59,625 --> 00:12:00,605
Is it any good?
162
00:12:01,705 --> 00:12:03,545
Any good?
163
00:12:03,545 --> 00:12:08,405
If she was of a more seductive
nature, there'd be people leaving home for Nora Batty's fruit cake.
164
00:12:08,405 --> 00:12:11,765
It's OK at supper time,
but what about after?
165
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:14,605
You'd have to shut your eyes
and think of breakfast.
166
00:12:22,145 --> 00:12:24,145
Is that nice or is that nice?
167
00:12:24,145 --> 00:12:25,965
It is, it is nice.
168
00:12:25,965 --> 00:12:29,645
Don't you wish you could make
a nice flower arrangement? Me?
169
00:12:29,645 --> 00:12:34,045
I'm more for your contact sports -
sweaty cricket pants.
170
00:12:34,045 --> 00:12:36,685
You'd be able to
brighten up your office.
171
00:12:36,685 --> 00:12:39,565
The district manager
thinks I'm a tulip already.
172
00:12:39,565 --> 00:12:41,905
You're allowed to show
your more sensitive side.
173
00:12:41,905 --> 00:12:43,745
Not in a building society.
174
00:12:43,745 --> 00:12:47,085
I think flower arranging is
a nice skill for a person to have.
175
00:12:47,085 --> 00:12:49,645
Maybe, but if you've got me
spotted for that kind of thing
176
00:12:49,645 --> 00:12:51,985
I'll have to stop shaving
and roughen up the edges.
177
00:12:51,985 --> 00:12:54,445
Oh, Barry!
178
00:12:54,445 --> 00:12:58,565
I want you to get me a shirt with
fast food and beer stains on it.
179
00:13:03,925 --> 00:13:05,725
This should make
her feel challenged.
180
00:13:10,305 --> 00:13:14,285
Passable. Not bad for shop-bought.
181
00:13:14,285 --> 00:13:17,865
You think fruit cake's going to make
all that difference to Crowcroft?
182
00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:19,725
Not just any fruit cake.
183
00:13:19,725 --> 00:13:22,605
Have you ever tasted
Nora's fruit cake?
184
00:13:22,605 --> 00:13:26,925
A recipe with origins
lost in the mists of time.
185
00:13:26,925 --> 00:13:29,725
Why do you think
the Vikings used to come here?
186
00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:31,565
Looting and violence.
187
00:13:31,565 --> 00:13:33,785
I thought that was
Manchester United.
188
00:13:33,785 --> 00:13:35,785
Only on Saturdays.
189
00:13:35,785 --> 00:13:38,325
Weekdays it was the Vikings.
190
00:13:38,325 --> 00:13:42,745
But they only used to
pretend they came looking for looting and violence.
191
00:13:42,745 --> 00:13:44,585
Did a good pretend, didn't they?!
192
00:13:44,585 --> 00:13:47,305
That was only their cover story.
193
00:13:47,305 --> 00:13:51,725
So they could go back home,
swaggering about how butch they all were.
194
00:13:51,725 --> 00:13:56,665
The truth is, what they
really came for was fruit cake.
195
00:13:56,665 --> 00:13:59,565
Never mentioned in the
Viking histories, though, was it?
196
00:13:59,565 --> 00:14:03,425
No, because they'd eaten it all
before they got back home.
197
00:14:03,425 --> 00:14:05,325
You'll not pull on an empty stomach.
198
00:14:05,325 --> 00:14:11,845
It all began when some big Viking
came roaring down that hill over there looking for women.
199
00:14:11,845 --> 00:14:15,505
At first he was disappointed -
they all looked like your missus.
200
00:14:15,505 --> 00:14:17,365
That I can believe.
201
00:14:17,365 --> 00:14:21,705
But then -
he discovered their fruit cake.
202
00:14:23,865 --> 00:14:25,885
What have you got there?
203
00:14:25,885 --> 00:14:30,705
Alvin is kindly introducing us
to this truly delicious fruit cake.
204
00:14:30,705 --> 00:14:32,645
Sits very nicely on the palate.
205
00:14:32,645 --> 00:14:34,645
I didn't make it
but I can recommend it.
206
00:14:37,845 --> 00:14:41,205
Feels a bit dry.
Oh, I wouldn't say dry.
207
00:14:41,205 --> 00:14:44,265
Oh, you must have had
a sad upbringing.
208
00:14:49,925 --> 00:14:52,265
Oh, wait here!
209
00:14:52,265 --> 00:14:54,365
I'll show you fruit cake!
210
00:15:14,825 --> 00:15:16,985
It's you.
211
00:15:16,985 --> 00:15:19,205
It's me every day, Howard.
212
00:15:19,205 --> 00:15:21,205
I thought you knew.
213
00:15:21,205 --> 00:15:23,725
I saw you bending over
214
00:15:23,725 --> 00:15:28,085
and from behind I thought,
that's never Auntie Wainwright.
215
00:15:28,085 --> 00:15:30,985
I hope you thought
the same from the front.
216
00:15:30,985 --> 00:15:33,925
Are you completely in charge?
217
00:15:33,925 --> 00:15:37,985
Well, there's not a lot happening
that would make a girl lose control.
218
00:15:37,985 --> 00:15:41,245
Of the shop. Oh, of the shop!
219
00:15:41,245 --> 00:15:45,185
Yes, fully in charge
while Auntie's away at the auction.
220
00:15:45,185 --> 00:15:49,945
So, I'm free to browse? Well...
221
00:15:49,945 --> 00:15:51,765
Up to a point, Howard.
222
00:15:51,765 --> 00:15:54,705
The shop. Oh, the shop.
223
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:57,505
Yes, customers are free to browse.
224
00:15:57,505 --> 00:15:59,945
Are you interested in antiques?
225
00:15:59,945 --> 00:16:02,345
I am.
226
00:16:02,345 --> 00:16:04,005
Suddenly I am. Good!
227
00:16:04,005 --> 00:16:07,225
She's been dying to get rid
of that horrible old boat.
228
00:16:07,225 --> 00:16:09,565
Would you care to step inside?
229
00:16:21,905 --> 00:16:23,905
What've you got there?
230
00:16:23,905 --> 00:16:26,525
A secret ancient substance.
231
00:16:26,525 --> 00:16:30,465
A very powerful love potion
guaranteed to bring results.
232
00:16:30,465 --> 00:16:32,465
You can ask the ladies.
233
00:16:32,465 --> 00:16:34,405
I'm pretty magical as it is.
234
00:16:34,405 --> 00:16:36,685
I don't need stuff like that.
235
00:16:36,685 --> 00:16:39,505
It didn't do the old man
of Gomersall any harm.
236
00:16:39,505 --> 00:16:42,465
Seventeen wives. Seventeen?
237
00:16:42,465 --> 00:16:45,285
Counting near misses.
238
00:16:45,285 --> 00:16:49,205
Just before he died,
they asked him, what was his secret?
239
00:16:53,025 --> 00:16:54,865
What is it?
240
00:16:54,865 --> 00:16:56,385
It's witchcraft.
241
00:16:56,385 --> 00:16:58,185
That's all I'm saying.
242
00:16:58,185 --> 00:16:59,885
You've been warned.
243
00:16:59,885 --> 00:17:02,525
When he takes the lid off,
keep well back.
244
00:17:02,525 --> 00:17:05,745
One whiff up the unprepared nostril,
you're a slave for life.
245
00:17:06,645 --> 00:17:09,645
Never mind the advertising,
what is it?
246
00:17:09,645 --> 00:17:14,185
A secret handed down
through the generations.
247
00:17:14,185 --> 00:17:16,645
Forget your magic mushrooms.
248
00:17:16,645 --> 00:17:21,525
People come back disappointed
from Tibet because they've failed to find something like this.
249
00:17:31,145 --> 00:17:33,305
Fruit cake?
250
00:17:33,305 --> 00:17:37,585
Not just any fruit cake.
251
00:17:37,585 --> 00:17:40,805
The lost fruit cake of the ancients.
252
00:17:40,805 --> 00:17:43,865
Stonehenge was raised
in honour of it.
253
00:17:43,865 --> 00:17:46,045
The Egyptians never discovered it.
254
00:17:46,045 --> 00:17:48,605
It owes nothing to
the wisdom of the East.
255
00:17:48,605 --> 00:17:51,245
The Chinese disregarded it
because it wouldn't go bang.
256
00:17:53,205 --> 00:17:57,045
It was only in the wilds
of Yorkshire
257
00:17:57,045 --> 00:18:02,025
that certain sacred females used it
for its uncanny powers over men.
258
00:18:06,425 --> 00:18:09,465
Get thee tonsils wrapped round this.
259
00:18:09,465 --> 00:18:12,885
Now, many like it with butter.
260
00:18:14,665 --> 00:18:17,245
And others...
261
00:18:17,245 --> 00:18:19,805
with a knob of cheese.
262
00:18:19,805 --> 00:18:23,585
And the French think
THEY know all about love!
263
00:18:28,305 --> 00:18:31,945
ENGINE SPLUTTERS
264
00:18:36,145 --> 00:18:42,165
Could be warning -
some mysterious powers saying go no further, maybe accident.
265
00:18:42,165 --> 00:18:44,985
Or it could be
this is just a clapped-out truck.
266
00:18:44,985 --> 00:18:47,765
That's a possible explanation.
267
00:18:51,605 --> 00:18:54,765
Which one of you lads good
for mending motor vehicles?
268
00:18:54,765 --> 00:18:56,785
Ah, I'm more your
literary artistic type.
269
00:18:56,785 --> 00:19:00,425
I always rely on our Eric.
270
00:19:00,425 --> 00:19:01,725
He's a mechanic.
271
00:19:01,725 --> 00:19:04,945
Good. How long before
your Eric could be here?
272
00:19:04,945 --> 00:19:07,105
Quite a while.
273
00:19:07,105 --> 00:19:09,445
He's in New Zealand.
274
00:19:10,465 --> 00:19:13,445
We're nearly at the top.
You push, I'll steer.
275
00:19:15,965 --> 00:19:19,145
You can steer?
Well, look at it this way.
276
00:19:19,145 --> 00:19:21,225
I'm closer than New Zealand.
277
00:19:29,985 --> 00:19:33,445
Wah-heyyy!
278
00:19:33,445 --> 00:19:38,065
Yes! Ha-ha-ha!
279
00:19:38,065 --> 00:19:41,425
Wooo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha.
280
00:19:41,425 --> 00:19:44,805
Yeeeeeee! Wahey!
281
00:19:48,225 --> 00:19:50,425
Well, I think we've cracked it.
282
00:19:50,425 --> 00:19:52,905
He liked her fruit cake.
283
00:19:52,905 --> 00:19:54,565
He likes his pop.
284
00:19:54,565 --> 00:19:57,745
I don't know whether he is dizzy
from fire water or fruit cake.
285
00:19:57,745 --> 00:20:01,425
Where's he got to? We can't have
him running loose in that condition!
286
00:20:01,425 --> 00:20:03,145
Weee-heee!
287
00:20:03,145 --> 00:20:05,365
Yeeeeees! Yes!
288
00:20:05,365 --> 00:20:10,905
Whooo! Ha-ha-ha! Oooo!
289
00:20:10,905 --> 00:20:14,145
Yes! Weeeee!
290
00:20:15,865 --> 00:20:18,525
What condition?
291
00:20:22,525 --> 00:20:25,965
This is not a productive use
of a literary artistic type.
292
00:20:25,965 --> 00:20:29,505
I always found you to be
fairly pushy.
293
00:20:29,505 --> 00:20:32,325
Oh, now it's all coming out.
294
00:20:32,325 --> 00:20:35,105
Is Auntie sure
she released handbrake?
295
00:20:35,105 --> 00:20:38,145
Handbrake? Release handbrake!
296
00:20:38,145 --> 00:20:40,605
These things are tricky.
297
00:20:40,605 --> 00:20:43,245
No wonder your Eric
went to New Zealand.
298
00:20:47,425 --> 00:20:52,145
Apply handbrake! Apply handbrake!
299
00:20:52,145 --> 00:20:53,665
Make your mind up.
300
00:20:53,665 --> 00:20:56,065
I can't help wondering why
I'm going in this direction.
301
00:21:00,705 --> 00:21:02,485
Apply handbrake!
302
00:21:02,485 --> 00:21:07,165
Oh, he's handbrake mad! I daren't
take my hands of this wheel.
303
00:21:14,165 --> 00:21:16,865
You're wondering why
I'm driving at this steady pace.
304
00:21:16,865 --> 00:21:19,405
No, I'm not.
305
00:21:19,405 --> 00:21:22,525
I were wondering if Einstein's
revision of Newtonian physics
306
00:21:22,525 --> 00:21:24,725
would itself be revised
at some future date.
307
00:21:26,985 --> 00:21:28,625
We did that yesterday.
308
00:21:30,205 --> 00:21:33,325
I'm driving steady because I love
the effect on drivers behind us
309
00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:36,165
who get nervous
about passing a police car.
310
00:21:42,705 --> 00:21:44,905
She didn't look all that nervous.
311
00:21:52,945 --> 00:21:55,865
All right, what are you up to?
312
00:21:55,865 --> 00:21:59,045
I'll have the lie first,
then we'll get down to the truth.
313
00:21:59,045 --> 00:22:04,125
Scouring the town for some little
gift for the lady in my life.
314
00:22:06,945 --> 00:22:09,045
I'm glad it's not for me!
315
00:22:10,625 --> 00:22:12,565
Course it's for you!
316
00:22:12,565 --> 00:22:14,905
I was thinking,
what would Pearl like?
317
00:22:14,905 --> 00:22:17,065
And there it was.
318
00:22:17,065 --> 00:22:18,825
Is that what you think of me?
319
00:22:18,825 --> 00:22:20,325
An old battleship?
320
00:22:21,905 --> 00:22:24,425
It's a genuine antique.
321
00:22:24,425 --> 00:22:27,005
And you'll find it floats.
322
00:22:27,005 --> 00:22:31,025
If I find out what put
that smile on your face,
323
00:22:31,025 --> 00:22:33,825
we'll find out if YOU float.
324
00:22:39,985 --> 00:22:42,085
No scratches, people, please.
325
00:22:42,085 --> 00:22:44,885
All scratches
to be reported to the management.
326
00:22:44,885 --> 00:22:47,645
We must help that
poor old lady, he says.
327
00:22:47,645 --> 00:22:50,105
I didn't know she were
mother of Attila the Hun.
328
00:22:58,685 --> 00:23:01,325
Right, ready when you are,
Crowcroft.
329
00:23:01,325 --> 00:23:05,245
I'm ready, although I could
have done with another slice.
330
00:23:05,245 --> 00:23:07,025
There's plenty more
where that came from.
331
00:23:07,025 --> 00:23:09,465
This is unfair.
332
00:23:09,465 --> 00:23:11,525
My sister-in-law's a terrible cook.
333
00:23:11,525 --> 00:23:13,725
What's she going to
be able to offer him?
334
00:23:13,725 --> 00:23:17,185
What's her outstanding feature?
Warts.
335
00:23:17,185 --> 00:23:19,365
Oliver Cromwell had warts.
336
00:23:19,365 --> 00:23:21,705
You'd better help Crowcroft.
He's a Roundhead.
337
00:23:21,705 --> 00:23:23,865
There are worse things than warts.
338
00:23:23,865 --> 00:23:26,565
Don't ask me to expand on that.
339
00:23:26,565 --> 00:23:28,585
I hope he's as good
as he thinks he is.
340
00:23:28,585 --> 00:23:30,585
Nobody's good as he thinks he is.
341
00:23:30,585 --> 00:23:34,305
Some of us are better.
342
00:23:34,305 --> 00:23:36,265
Right, here we go.
343
00:23:36,265 --> 00:23:39,745
Watch the talent in action, lads.
344
00:23:39,745 --> 00:23:41,945
One, two, three...
345
00:23:41,945 --> 00:23:43,925
THEY PLAY MOON RIVER ON COMBS
346
00:23:49,125 --> 00:23:53,845
A bit less volume now, lads. I
want her to catch every golden word.
347
00:24:00,325 --> 00:24:01,845
Is that her?
348
00:24:03,545 --> 00:24:09,105
It is! In the flesh. The widow Batty.
349
00:24:09,105 --> 00:24:13,185
Oh, my Nora, my dreamboat.
350
00:24:13,185 --> 00:24:16,625
Perfection in a floral pinny.
351
00:24:16,625 --> 00:24:18,265
Right, give us a big burst, lads.
352
00:24:18,265 --> 00:24:19,745
Bags of passion.
353
00:24:22,485 --> 00:24:26,465
By her expression,
we've got her wondering.
354
00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:29,705
Right, volume down.
355
00:24:29,705 --> 00:24:31,825
Here we go.
356
00:24:31,825 --> 00:24:35,545
You're wondering who it is, Nora.
357
00:24:35,545 --> 00:24:37,685
I'll tell you who it is.
358
00:24:37,685 --> 00:24:41,765
It's Mr Right, come to relieve you
from your lonely widowhood.
359
00:24:43,865 --> 00:24:47,105
I'm coming up, lass, open your door.
360
00:24:47,105 --> 00:24:49,385
We've been apart too long.
361
00:24:49,385 --> 00:24:51,505
Open your heart, girl.
362
00:24:51,505 --> 00:24:54,845
Let the magic in. Yes, the magic.
363
00:24:54,845 --> 00:24:57,845
You thought it was too late,
didn't you?
364
00:24:57,845 --> 00:25:00,665
Be honest, you did.
You thought you were past it.
365
00:25:00,665 --> 00:25:03,725
It's not too late. I'm here, Nora!
366
00:25:06,465 --> 00:25:08,105
She's going, lads.
367
00:25:08,105 --> 00:25:10,025
I've got her. Right, more volume.
368
00:25:10,025 --> 00:25:13,225
Give it some stick!
369
00:25:13,225 --> 00:25:17,825
It's here, Nora. At your door.
370
00:25:17,825 --> 00:25:20,305
Companionship, perfection.
371
00:25:20,305 --> 00:25:22,305
Someone to care for.
372
00:25:22,305 --> 00:25:24,105
Someone to bake for.
373
00:25:24,105 --> 00:25:26,545
It's all here, Nora.
374
00:25:26,545 --> 00:25:31,405
Mr Long Overdue,
finally knocking at your door.
375
00:25:39,945 --> 00:25:43,025
He's made it inside.
376
00:25:43,025 --> 00:25:45,025
I never thought he'd get that far.
377
00:25:45,025 --> 00:25:46,925
I hope he's pacing himself.
378
00:25:46,925 --> 00:25:50,585
I never thought she'd fall
for a chat line like that.
379
00:25:50,585 --> 00:25:52,305
It was terrible!
380
00:25:52,305 --> 00:25:53,905
Probably the moustache.
381
00:25:53,905 --> 00:25:55,625
They like a moustache.
382
00:25:55,625 --> 00:25:57,745
You can't call that a moustache.
383
00:25:57,745 --> 00:25:59,685
More like a dead eyelash.
384
00:25:59,685 --> 00:26:02,785
If he's not out of there
in two minutes, that's it.
385
00:26:02,785 --> 00:26:04,505
I'm giving him up for dead.
386
00:26:04,505 --> 00:26:06,225
Or even worse.
387
00:26:24,545 --> 00:26:26,165
Crowcroft?
388
00:26:26,165 --> 00:26:29,745
I'm sorry,
I'm a stranger here myself.
389
00:26:29,745 --> 00:26:31,425
What happened up there?
390
00:26:33,225 --> 00:26:36,785
Have you ever been really terrified?
391
00:26:52,545 --> 00:26:53,925
Oh!
392
00:27:14,385 --> 00:27:17,745
What did Crowcroft make
of your sister-in-law?
393
00:27:17,745 --> 00:27:20,005
He never made it that far.
394
00:27:20,005 --> 00:27:22,085
Broke his nerve on Nora Batty.
395
00:27:23,865 --> 00:27:26,985
You sent him up against Nora Batty?
396
00:27:26,985 --> 00:27:28,705
We gave him every chance.
397
00:27:28,705 --> 00:27:30,645
We were playing Moon River.
398
00:27:30,645 --> 00:27:33,445
I was playing Moon River. I don't
know what this lot were playing.
399
00:27:33,445 --> 00:27:39,125
You wouldn't get past Nora Batty's
first curler with one Moon River.
400
00:27:39,125 --> 00:27:42,165
So, Crowcroft....
I mean, how is he?
401
00:27:42,165 --> 00:27:45,105
Well, he was looking much
better when he said goodbye.
402
00:27:45,105 --> 00:27:46,705
Goodbye?
403
00:27:46,705 --> 00:27:48,385
Where's he going?
404
00:27:48,385 --> 00:27:50,445
Into a monastery, he said. In Peru.
405
00:27:52,045 --> 00:27:55,065
Maybe it's nice in Peru.
Maybe there are no warts in Peru.
406
00:27:57,445 --> 00:28:01,865
I must admit, I've never seen
a Peruvian with a wart.
407
00:28:01,865 --> 00:28:04,445
I was only thinking so this morning.
408
00:28:04,445 --> 00:28:08,685
I suppose we've led such
sheltered lives.
409
00:28:08,685 --> 00:28:14,365
You get to our age and you've
never seen a Peruvian with a wart.
410
00:28:33,145 --> 00:28:36,545
Subtitles BBC Broadcast 2005
411
00:28:36,595 --> 00:28:41,145
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
31307
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.