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1
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:10,940
What is it?
What are you looking at?
2
00:00:10,940 --> 00:00:17,060
You see what his problem is?
No image. He just looks like some sort of muffin with a handcart.
3
00:00:17,060 --> 00:00:20,640
It's a decent occupation.
What, pushing a handcart?
4
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:25,820
Some very famous people
have pushed handcarts. Like who?
5
00:00:25,820 --> 00:00:28,880
Napoleon. What was he selling?
6
00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:34,260
Fish. Then one day he said
to himself, "That's it with fish -
7
00:00:34,260 --> 00:00:37,140
"I'm going to be Emperor."
8
00:00:37,140 --> 00:00:43,400
How come you never thought of that?
Becoming Emperor? Oh, it's too late. There's no vacancies.
9
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:47,580
Besides, there's no job security.
You're better with the handcart.
10
00:00:47,580 --> 00:00:53,140
But he's got to do something
to make him not look like just a bloke with a handcart.
11
00:00:53,140 --> 00:01:00,160
He needs a bird-puller. He needs
a nice sporty little vehicle that's going to transform his image.
12
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:03,220
He can't afford a nice sporty
little vehicle.
13
00:01:03,220 --> 00:01:08,980
Can you find him a load of rubbish
we can make look like a sporty little vehicle?
14
00:01:08,980 --> 00:01:11,960
I was never one
to refuse a challenge.
15
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:32,980
I had this terrible dream
Robin Hood was ginger.
16
00:01:32,980 --> 00:01:38,700
No wonder he was in the greenwood.
They can't take too much sun.
17
00:01:38,700 --> 00:01:41,540
Ginger Hood! I like it!
18
00:01:41,540 --> 00:01:44,500
His hair was really bright ginger!
19
00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:47,420
Maybe it was a wig.
20
00:01:47,420 --> 00:01:52,340
Why would he wear a ginger wig?
He's going to stand out in the greenwood, isn't he?
21
00:01:52,340 --> 00:01:58,580
Some good - wearing green tights
to blend in, and then a ginger wig! Maybe they were having a concert.
22
00:01:58,580 --> 00:02:00,980
He was doing a turn.
23
00:02:00,980 --> 00:02:05,420
Maybe that's what they
used to give the poor. Concerts.
24
00:02:05,420 --> 00:02:08,640
I bet they'd rather have had money.
25
00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:14,840
You're taking the wee-wee, aren't
you, eh? It was very upsetting to me to see Robin Hood ginger.
26
00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:19,080
Wigs are one thing.
Was he wearing eye-liner?
27
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:22,240
Oh,
you've got no conscience, you lot.
28
00:02:30,340 --> 00:02:33,180
FEMALE VOICE WAILS
29
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:38,860
WAILING
30
00:02:38,860 --> 00:02:44,720
SOBBING
Lady in distress. I may have trained all my life for this.
31
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:50,420
They can be tricky. I've seen this
in the vice squad.
32
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:57,620
You go up. You say, "Are you all
right, madam?" Next thing you know, you're in a fluffy pink boudoir.
33
00:02:57,620 --> 00:03:03,020
I'm not going in
any fluffy pink boudoir! I don't have suitable footwear!
34
00:03:03,020 --> 00:03:05,980
WAILING
35
00:03:05,980 --> 00:03:12,360
You have to have some sympathy
for females...even though you're married to one.
36
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:16,620
We can't just ignore her.
I'm not going near a lady,
37
00:03:16,620 --> 00:03:19,040
in distress, or not!
38
00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:23,040
Ladies don't agree with me,
and vice-versa.
39
00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:27,360
Come on, Billy, it'll take your
mind off Robin Hood being ginger.
40
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,340
He's gone!
41
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,320
He's gone!
42
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:42,300
You don't want me, missus!
HE'S for ladies in distress.
43
00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:45,240
I'm just planning and logistics.
44
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:50,300
Don't look at me, I need both hands
free for exaggerating. Now, what...
45
00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:52,560
What seems to be the trouble, madam?
46
00:03:53,620 --> 00:03:56,140
He's gone!
47
00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:00,780
She's lost a dog, I bet.
Gone chasing a rabbit.
48
00:04:00,780 --> 00:04:04,540
Lionel. My husband. He's gone!
49
00:04:04,540 --> 00:04:07,780
Oh! Probably not chasing a rabbit.
50
00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:10,580
He's gone for good this time.
51
00:04:10,580 --> 00:04:13,360
Oh, he's done a runner before, then?
52
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:16,100
He gets gloomy, and off he goes.
53
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:20,520
How do you know this
time's for good, then? He told me.
54
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:25,100
We were driving along in the car,
55
00:04:25,100 --> 00:04:32,660
perfectly normal, and he stops
the car, turns and says "That's it, Mavis. I've had enough. I'm gone.
56
00:04:32,660 --> 00:04:37,420
"I wish you all the best
for the future, but I've gone."
57
00:04:40,340 --> 00:04:42,980
Is there some other woman involved?
58
00:04:42,980 --> 00:04:46,560
Oh, nicely put(!) There usually is!
59
00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:51,060
Maybe he wants a break.
60
00:04:51,060 --> 00:04:53,720
Maybe he'll be back in...30 years.
61
00:04:55,700 --> 00:04:58,200
I want you to find him.
62
00:04:59,740 --> 00:05:02,180
Have no fear, madam.
63
00:05:02,180 --> 00:05:09,660
You're looking at Truly of the Yard,
formerly Inspector Truelove, CID, manhunter extraordinaire.
64
00:05:09,660 --> 00:05:15,700
If anyone can find him,
it's yours truly. Now, um, what does he look like?
65
00:05:15,700 --> 00:05:18,080
What does he look like?
66
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:22,260
Oh, come on, Mavis,
what does he look like?
67
00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:26,700
Well, he looks like Lionel.
68
00:05:26,700 --> 00:05:29,020
That narrows it down(!)
69
00:05:29,020 --> 00:05:31,800
Is he... Is he ginger?
70
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:36,040
No, he's not ginger!
I'm sure he's not ginger.
71
00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:40,380
Isn't it funny how you
never really look at people?
72
00:05:40,380 --> 00:05:42,100
Well, how tall is he, then?
73
00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:44,080
Tall? Tall...
74
00:05:46,020 --> 00:05:48,180
Well...
75
00:05:48,180 --> 00:05:50,440
just about right.
76
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:04,540
What do you want? What do I want?
What kind of a greeting is that?
77
00:06:04,540 --> 00:06:10,780
What's wrong with "Good morning,
Alvin? How are you feeling, Alvin?" I haven't time to stand blithering.
78
00:06:10,780 --> 00:06:17,220
I'm in the middle of housework.
Now, what do you want? How long is it since you left charm school?
79
00:06:17,220 --> 00:06:23,660
Hey, hang on a minute. Give us a
chance! Do your hair up a bit, well, maybe a lot. Put on some make-up.
80
00:06:23,660 --> 00:06:26,280
I want to take your photo. Photo?
81
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:31,940
A little glossy likeness - usually
about 6 x 4. I know what it is!
82
00:06:31,940 --> 00:06:37,040
Why do you want my photo?
I need a model. You need doing up. I think it's fate.
83
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:42,640
Brushed your hair recently?
Of course. With a yard brush?!
84
00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:47,040
I admire your spirit. It's just
the container that needs some work.
85
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:51,580
Just a minute... You can't
look me in the eye, can you?!
86
00:06:51,580 --> 00:06:53,920
I'm too much man for you.
87
00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:59,000
I'll train her yet.
88
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,740
I'm going to be the bloke
that tamed Nora Batty!
89
00:07:02,740 --> 00:07:06,200
You're in trouble! Your number's up!
90
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:16,640
SHE WAILS
91
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:21,360
No wonder he left her. Can you
imagine that in a small bedroom?
92
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:25,880
Tell her we'll find him. He can't
have gone far if he's on foot.
93
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:31,500
Of course, he might have broken
his leg or been run over by a bus.
94
00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:35,680
Yeah, well, I bet
that'll cheer her up(!) HONKING
95
00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:46,120
MAVIS WAILS
What is it? It's a Mavis.
96
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:50,500
I mean, what's wrong?
She's mislaid her husband.
97
00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:57,280
We can't just leave her here. She'll
upset the wildlife. Take her back while we go and find her husband.
98
00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:01,160
You see?
A single lady in your car already!
99
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:05,040
There you go, Smiler, you've
got a right bird-puller here.
100
00:08:08,700 --> 00:08:13,080
Where am I taking her?
Where do you take spare ladies?
101
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:17,980
To Pearl's. She's experience
of dealing with wandering husbands.
102
00:08:17,980 --> 00:08:21,020
MAVIS SOBS AND WAILS
103
00:08:22,900 --> 00:08:28,900
Right. Let's go and find
ourselves a Lionel. Shouldn't we be looking for HER Lionel?
104
00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:32,120
She'll get the first Lionel we find.
105
00:08:36,220 --> 00:08:42,000
We ought to do this
more often, Barry - just come for a ride to admire the scenery.
106
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:49,980
We live in the middle of all
this beautiful scenery and we don't look at it often enough. It's true.
107
00:08:49,980 --> 00:08:54,260
Which bit do you want to look at?
Well, the nice bits.
108
00:08:54,260 --> 00:08:56,580
What, all of 'em?
109
00:08:56,580 --> 00:09:00,100
No, we'll start with one or two.
110
00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:03,600
Oh, pull up here!
111
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:07,480
The way he's staring,
he must have found a nice bit.
112
00:09:24,580 --> 00:09:27,820
I expected more.
113
00:09:27,820 --> 00:09:31,620
There must be nicer bits. Nice?
114
00:09:31,620 --> 00:09:35,340
You think things are "nice"?
115
00:09:35,340 --> 00:09:41,240
Do you realise how many things
are eating each other out there right now?
116
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:45,360
Bones cracking... Shells cracking!
Crunch, crunch!
117
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:50,740
You can fair hear the jaws going.
Tiny shrieks of agony.
118
00:09:50,740 --> 00:09:53,540
But it makes no difference.
119
00:09:53,540 --> 00:09:57,140
Yummy, yummy.
Crunch, crunch, crunch!
120
00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:03,200
What about the vegetarians?
They've been eaten first.
121
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:10,340
There's nothing wildlife likes more
than a good vegetarian between its teeth. We just came for the view.
122
00:10:10,340 --> 00:10:13,000
Yes. Go on!
123
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:17,500
Enjoy the view! It's all there.
Spread out before you.
124
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:19,780
Nature's table.
125
00:10:19,780 --> 00:10:25,360
The meat being eaten
before it's dead. You can't get fresher than that.
126
00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:30,680
We ought to be going, Barry.
We have that call to make. Where?
127
00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:35,920
Well, not the butcher's.
Oh, right. That call.
128
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:40,400
And you know what else
is out there? The big threat!
129
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:43,960
The real killer.
The one you never see.
130
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:48,200
Are you with me?
Well, I'm... I'm nearly with you.
131
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:53,820
Let me say one word to you. Make
it "goodbye", Barry. Just one word.
132
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:57,420
Well, if it's just one...
133
00:10:57,420 --> 00:10:59,980
Spores. Sorry?
134
00:10:59,980 --> 00:11:03,360
Spores. Invisible. On the wind.
135
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:07,940
Floating through the air.
Swarming with micro-nasties.
136
00:11:07,940 --> 00:11:13,880
And you know where
they're heading, don't you? Straight for human lungs.
137
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:18,060
They may be on your next breath.
138
00:11:18,060 --> 00:11:20,460
Urgh-hurgh!
139
00:11:20,460 --> 00:11:24,180
One cough, and you've gone!
140
00:11:24,180 --> 00:11:26,520
Home, Barry!
141
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:29,980
Spores!
142
00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:35,980
You don't think he could
be right about spores? It's all rubbish. Take me home!
143
00:11:35,980 --> 00:11:39,160
Urgh-hurgh! Stop it, Barry!
144
00:11:43,021 --> 00:11:44,821
It's quite simple.
145
00:11:44,821 --> 00:11:50,901
You get the ladder out,
you clean the gutters. I hate that. They get full of yucky stuff.
146
00:11:50,901 --> 00:11:54,621
That's why they need
cleaning out, you muffin.
147
00:11:56,521 --> 00:12:02,641
They're usually
quite good at the yucky stuff. I've known some with a real flair.
148
00:12:11,381 --> 00:12:17,201
Have you got anywhere
we can leave this person till her husband comes back?
149
00:12:17,201 --> 00:12:20,821
What's the problem? Her husband
just walked off and left her.
150
00:12:20,821 --> 00:12:23,621
That's a problem? He'll come back.
151
00:12:23,621 --> 00:12:28,641
Men always go back
to their wives. But sometimes they go the long way round.
152
00:12:28,641 --> 00:12:33,961
Come in, love. We'll swap
a few experiences. Yes, come on.
153
00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:39,681
How do you mean, he's wandered off?
How did he get away? What was his excuse?
154
00:12:39,681 --> 00:12:42,541
It's her, she's his excuse.
155
00:12:42,541 --> 00:12:46,701
He just went away.
They're looking for him now.
156
00:12:46,701 --> 00:12:50,341
I like his style.
He's worth finding.
157
00:12:52,401 --> 00:12:55,221
Now, with regard to Lionel,
158
00:12:55,221 --> 00:13:00,161
we start by trying to put ourselves
into the man's frame of mind.
159
00:13:00,161 --> 00:13:03,321
He was depressed. Where would he go?
160
00:13:03,321 --> 00:13:05,961
Almost anywhere, these days.
161
00:13:05,961 --> 00:13:10,021
I usually wax me bow.
Done your legs, have you?
162
00:13:10,021 --> 00:13:13,941
Tha' does learn some stuff
in the vice squad.
163
00:13:13,941 --> 00:13:17,861
Well, go on, then,
where would he go?
164
00:13:17,861 --> 00:13:21,321
Well, I've no idea.
I'm not depressed.
165
00:13:21,321 --> 00:13:27,781
The only way we have of putting
ourselves into his shoes is if we get depressed.
166
00:13:27,781 --> 00:13:32,201
I could fetch the wife and her
sister. That only works for you.
167
00:13:32,961 --> 00:13:36,421
If we met somebody
really cheerful...
168
00:13:36,421 --> 00:13:39,761
Now, that always depresses me.
169
00:13:39,761 --> 00:13:44,081
Then we'll have to invent
something gloomy. OK.
170
00:13:44,081 --> 00:13:49,701
If we're gonna go for it, let's
really go for it. Let's imagine...
171
00:13:49,701 --> 00:13:55,941
the world's going to end next
Tuesday. Can we make it Wednesday? It's my darts night on Tuesday.
172
00:13:55,941 --> 00:14:01,281
There's always somebody not ready!
All right, Wednesday. What time?
173
00:14:01,281 --> 00:14:03,921
We wouldn't start without you.
174
00:14:03,921 --> 00:14:09,761
Does it matter what time?
I think it would at the time! Any more requests?
175
00:14:09,761 --> 00:14:16,021
You'd think it'd be simple enough
to arrange the end of the world! We're still waiting for the time.
176
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:18,601
All right. Half past four.
177
00:14:18,601 --> 00:14:21,421
Morning or afternoon?
178
00:14:26,441 --> 00:14:31,761
Didn't he have a parrot?
Why would he have a parrot?
179
00:14:31,761 --> 00:14:35,821
I never got round to motive.
I just remember he had a parrot.
180
00:14:35,821 --> 00:14:42,541
I never saw a parrot. He didn't
have it when we arrested him. He didn't keep it on his shoulder.
181
00:14:42,541 --> 00:14:49,441
He kept it at home. Dropping
sunflower seeds all over the stolen goods. And not just from its beak!
182
00:14:49,441 --> 00:14:53,181
No wonder he didn't
have it on his shoulder.
183
00:14:57,201 --> 00:15:00,941
What can we do for you, sir?
I want to give meself up.
184
00:15:02,021 --> 00:15:07,021
Ask him for what. If he's killed
someone, I should shut that window.
185
00:15:08,601 --> 00:15:11,521
Have you got any unsolved cases?
186
00:15:11,521 --> 00:15:17,601
Whatever you've got, I'll sign a
confession. I've had enough. I just want to be locked away somewhere.
187
00:15:17,601 --> 00:15:21,641
We can't just lock anybody up.
You've got to deserve it.
188
00:15:21,641 --> 00:15:26,261
Listen, I pay taxes.
I've a right to be locked up!
189
00:15:26,261 --> 00:15:32,401
It's all right for you, sir, you
just get locked up, but what about us? We've got all that paperwork.
190
00:15:32,401 --> 00:15:35,781
There's a ton of paperwork.
For one locking-up?
191
00:15:35,781 --> 00:15:40,881
That's one of the reasons
why police forces everywhere have no time for crime.
192
00:15:40,881 --> 00:15:46,241
I'm sorry I bothered you. It's no
bother, sir. That's why we're here.
193
00:15:46,241 --> 00:15:52,481
Come back when you've done
something. If you want locked up, best bet is to assault a burglar.
194
00:15:52,481 --> 00:15:59,581
That brings down the full weight
of the law. Very keen on protecting burglars, is the law!
195
00:15:59,581 --> 00:16:04,381
You've been very helpful!
I'm even more depressed now.
196
00:16:07,741 --> 00:16:13,161
How does he think we feel?!
At least he didn't have a parrot.
197
00:16:18,321 --> 00:16:22,621
Well, come on, then.
Show a bit of enthusiasm.
198
00:16:22,621 --> 00:16:28,241
I've got things to do if the
world's ending next Wednesday. You were there!
199
00:16:28,241 --> 00:16:33,941
It's just something we made up!
I know. But it was very convincing.
200
00:16:37,461 --> 00:16:40,681
Hey up! It's Romance on Wheels.
201
00:16:44,321 --> 00:16:49,401
I know what you're thinking, but
we're on a humanitarian mission.
202
00:16:49,401 --> 00:16:53,741
We're looking for a Lionel.
We're all looking for a Lionel!
203
00:16:53,741 --> 00:16:59,801
Then why is Norman Clegg going
the other way? Because he thinks the world is going to end on Wednesday,
204
00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:03,861
and he's got to get his
library book back in a hurry.
205
00:17:03,861 --> 00:17:11,141
Good heavens. Well, I warn you
all now, I shall be looking for one stormer of a Tuesday.
206
00:17:11,141 --> 00:17:18,201
Nothing'll happen on Wednesday.
I hope that won't interfere with a girl's plans for Tuesday!
207
00:17:18,201 --> 00:17:22,641
What plans for Tuesday?!
Fasten your seatbelt, Howard.
208
00:17:25,921 --> 00:17:31,661
What's this, then? A lone figure
with the world on its shoulders.
209
00:17:31,661 --> 00:17:35,881
That could be a Lionel.
He looks depressed enough.
210
00:17:35,881 --> 00:17:40,621
He's every right to be if the
world's going to end next Wednesday.
211
00:17:40,621 --> 00:17:43,121
It is? Next Wednesday?
212
00:17:43,121 --> 00:17:47,721
You're joking! That's the best news
I've had all week.
213
00:17:54,381 --> 00:17:58,901
Has he been a good husband?
He's been fine since last Monday.
214
00:17:58,901 --> 00:18:03,241
What about before last Monday?
He only came back last Monday.
215
00:18:03,241 --> 00:18:07,381
Came back from where? His mother's.
216
00:18:07,381 --> 00:18:11,141
I wish I'd listened to my mother.
I know what you mean.
217
00:18:11,141 --> 00:18:16,381
Trouble is,
by the time you realise how right they were, you've gone wrong.
218
00:18:17,961 --> 00:18:21,021
I expect it's so easy to go wrong.
219
00:18:21,021 --> 00:18:25,561
Not as easy as you think if you're
dependent on public transport.
220
00:18:25,561 --> 00:18:32,381
I was always in search
of some defining moment... Some ultimate experience.
221
00:18:32,381 --> 00:18:36,821
I suppose we all squeeze
what juice we can out of life.
222
00:18:36,821 --> 00:18:43,661
There are some very good extractors
on the market, but then, of course, you've got the washing up.
223
00:18:43,661 --> 00:18:50,141
I don't get through much juice
since Wally passed away. He used to like a bit on his pancakes.
224
00:18:50,141 --> 00:18:56,021
He only had juice once
a year on Pancake Day? He had pancakes on a weekly basis.
225
00:18:56,021 --> 00:19:02,501
I used to indulge certain of
his fancies. If you don't, there's always somebody else that will.
226
00:19:02,501 --> 00:19:07,801
What amazes me is...
where do they get your address?
227
00:19:07,801 --> 00:19:10,321
Does it really exist?
228
00:19:10,321 --> 00:19:17,181
Has anyone ever found
the perfect blend of excitement and hearts beating as one?
229
00:19:17,181 --> 00:19:21,261
There has to be,
I think, a touch of danger -
230
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:23,581
a leap into recklessness.
231
00:19:24,881 --> 00:19:32,521
One has to risk! Or could
it be that love is only to be found on the edge of the precipice?
232
00:19:32,521 --> 00:19:37,521
There used to be plenty to be had
in them woods near the river.
233
00:19:37,521 --> 00:19:42,261
That was before they built
the Civic Centre. I only went once.
234
00:19:42,261 --> 00:19:44,781
He said we were going blackberrying.
235
00:19:44,781 --> 00:19:47,461
I thought, "Ooh, that's clever!"
236
00:19:47,461 --> 00:19:52,981
He even brought a basin.
Took me a week to get the purple off me fingers.
237
00:19:52,981 --> 00:19:59,761
When you say he came back
from his mother's, how long had he been there? Six years.
238
00:19:59,761 --> 00:20:04,501
Well, it's nice when they're fond
of their mother, but six years?!
239
00:20:04,501 --> 00:20:10,361
We had a tiff.
He got up from the table and he said, "I'm going to me mother's."
240
00:20:10,361 --> 00:20:16,601
She only lives in the next street. I
thought he'd be back for suppertime. If he was only in the next street,
241
00:20:16,601 --> 00:20:21,481
you must have seen him sometime. He
came home once for Christmas day.
242
00:20:21,481 --> 00:20:27,141
Did you invite him? No, he just
dropped in. How long did he stay?
243
00:20:27,141 --> 00:20:32,741
About five minutes.
There was no rum sauce, so he went back to his mother's.
244
00:20:32,741 --> 00:20:35,121
Are you sure you want him back?
245
00:20:35,121 --> 00:20:38,381
Oh, yes.
We were childhood sweethearts.
246
00:20:49,201 --> 00:20:53,541
That Lionel's got a personality
like a bad weather forecast.
247
00:20:53,541 --> 00:21:00,101
What's the forecast? Wet and windy.
I'd have thought he'd cheer up once he'd heard about the world ending.
248
00:21:00,101 --> 00:21:06,561
He says he'd rather it ended
on some other day, because he always finds Wednesdays to be unlucky!
249
00:21:06,561 --> 00:21:11,321
Look at him! He's contagious!
He gives everybody the willies.
250
00:21:12,381 --> 00:21:14,741
We need the Sage!
251
00:21:14,741 --> 00:21:17,341
Lionel needs to consult the Sage.
252
00:21:17,341 --> 00:21:20,281
The Sage? As in sage and onion?
253
00:21:20,281 --> 00:21:24,221
As in wise old scholar.
Steeped in mysterious lore.
254
00:21:24,221 --> 00:21:26,781
Right. No onion.
255
00:21:26,781 --> 00:21:32,681
A figure famous
for his ancient wisdom and reconditioned electrical appliances.
256
00:21:32,681 --> 00:21:37,781
Entwistle! What kind
of a sage is Entwistle?
257
00:21:37,781 --> 00:21:43,881
You think Lionel's spirits will be
lifted by a second hand spin-drier? If we dress Entwistle up a bit,
258
00:21:43,881 --> 00:21:49,461
he could look the part.
He could look like somebody who might have words of wisdom.
259
00:21:49,981 --> 00:21:56,921
True wisdom lies not in the
answers, but in the asking of the right questions. He's a natural!
260
00:21:56,921 --> 00:22:01,021
Makes you wonder why he made such
a bog of rewiring our wash-house.
261
00:22:01,021 --> 00:22:06,361
It's facing the wrong
direction. I did warn you. Let him get on with his wisdoming.
262
00:22:06,361 --> 00:22:10,141
What are these questions
that a sage would ask?
263
00:22:10,141 --> 00:22:17,441
The Sage, modifying his breathing,
freeing his mind of distractions, would ask...does sageing pay?
264
00:22:17,441 --> 00:22:21,581
Would it be better than working
your buns off electrically?
265
00:22:23,161 --> 00:22:26,641
How about here, eh?
This looks nice.
266
00:22:26,641 --> 00:22:30,541
If I was a sage,
I'd set up for business right here.
267
00:22:30,541 --> 00:22:36,681
You don't think maybe a sleek
modern office, nice carpet, leather swivel chair?
268
00:22:36,681 --> 00:22:39,161
We think right here.
269
00:22:39,161 --> 00:22:41,461
Here, put this on.
270
00:22:41,461 --> 00:22:45,761
Stay here. We'll bring him to you.
I'm not staying here on my own.
271
00:22:45,761 --> 00:22:52,121
You get wildlife up your trouser
leg. In the greenwood, we laugh at wildlife up your trouser leg.
272
00:22:52,121 --> 00:22:55,901
Why do you think Robin Hood
wore tights?
273
00:22:55,901 --> 00:23:02,741
You'll never walk out on me, will
you, Barry? Why would I walk out on you? Lionel walked out on Mavis.
274
00:23:02,741 --> 00:23:08,161
Just like that. Stopped his car,
got out and walked away. He just left her?
275
00:23:08,161 --> 00:23:12,941
Parked on the grass verge. You
needn't worry about me doing that.
276
00:23:12,941 --> 00:23:16,261
I'd never leave my car. Oh, Barry!
277
00:23:16,261 --> 00:23:19,121
Just joking. Come on, let's go home.
278
00:23:19,121 --> 00:23:25,141
We've got to give Mavis a lift
back to her car. Lionel won't know where to find her if he comes back.
279
00:23:25,141 --> 00:23:29,321
Then we'll stay with her until he's
back. Suppose he never comes back?
280
00:23:29,321 --> 00:23:32,001
Sometimes they don't!
281
00:23:32,001 --> 00:23:34,681
MAVIS WAILS
282
00:23:35,821 --> 00:23:38,881
Thank you, Miss Davenport(!)
283
00:23:43,101 --> 00:23:47,001
Who is he, this, er...this Sage?
284
00:23:47,001 --> 00:23:51,481
We don't know exactly.
He sort of appeared from the East.
285
00:23:51,481 --> 00:23:56,221
A bit mysteriously, really,
because the bus service is terrible.
286
00:23:56,221 --> 00:23:58,801
But one day, there he was.
287
00:23:58,801 --> 00:24:02,961
He's been a great source of strength
to the neighbourhood ever since.
288
00:24:02,961 --> 00:24:06,381
Doing what?
Sageing. Full-time sageing.
289
00:24:06,381 --> 00:24:12,501
Word soon spreads. He's got an
advert up in the chip shop. Next to Harry's Hire Cars and Taxis.
290
00:24:12,501 --> 00:24:15,341
He's been a great fount of wisdom.
291
00:24:15,341 --> 00:24:17,781
The Sage. Not Harry.
292
00:24:17,781 --> 00:24:20,561
I don't believe in wisdom.
293
00:24:20,561 --> 00:24:24,721
We're nearly there. You can...
You can feel his aura.
294
00:24:24,721 --> 00:24:29,301
Now, eyes down,
and approach respectfully.
295
00:24:38,641 --> 00:24:44,261
Who's he? Oh! Oh, well...
I'm just a fan.
296
00:24:44,261 --> 00:24:46,301
Oh, well,
297
00:24:46,301 --> 00:24:49,801
I suppose a disciple, really.
298
00:24:49,801 --> 00:24:54,701
Ever since he talked Mrs Shillitoe
down from the bakery roof.
299
00:24:54,701 --> 00:25:02,581
He's wonderful! I came here
utterly depressed, and he...he just lifts your spirits instantly!
300
00:25:02,581 --> 00:25:05,281
How does he do that?
301
00:25:05,281 --> 00:25:10,641
Wise man adapts method
to level of fee. There's a charge?
302
00:25:10,641 --> 00:25:15,861
Money well spent! You'll never
regret it! I regret it already!
303
00:25:15,861 --> 00:25:18,861
How come he's called Entwistle?!
304
00:25:18,861 --> 00:25:24,661
CLEGGY LAUGHS
It's a famous name in wisdom circles!
305
00:25:24,661 --> 00:25:27,381
He's not just your basic Entwistle.
306
00:25:27,381 --> 00:25:35,281
He's at the seventh level of
Entwistle. Eight. Owing to recent successful completion of exam.
307
00:25:35,281 --> 00:25:40,321
Eh, tha's in luck, Lionel! He's
still charging 7th-level rates.
308
00:25:40,321 --> 00:25:44,641
It gets worse. When's he going to
start with this wisdom, then?
309
00:25:51,001 --> 00:25:54,501
Man contemplating journey
should wear boots.
310
00:25:58,701 --> 00:26:01,801
That's it? Boots?
311
00:26:01,801 --> 00:26:05,381
He's just warming up.
There's more.
312
00:26:08,941 --> 00:26:16,101
She's obviously not got a firm grip
of him. It's slipshod, letting him go to his mother's for six years.
313
00:26:16,101 --> 00:26:22,401
They can be tricky. Wally's mother
was inclined to think my Yorkshire puddings were beneath him.
314
00:26:22,401 --> 00:26:25,701
MUSIC:
"Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy"
315
00:26:27,241 --> 00:26:31,061
What the blood and stomach pills
is he doing?
316
00:26:33,021 --> 00:26:35,921
He's trying to get me to smile.
317
00:26:35,921 --> 00:26:40,901
With one record player?
Huh, he'll need the full orchestra!
318
00:26:49,261 --> 00:26:52,581
Thank you so much, friends!
319
00:26:52,581 --> 00:26:55,061
Oh, thank you!
320
00:26:55,061 --> 00:27:00,261
Entwistle's
done a great job in restoring a Lionel to the human race.
321
00:27:00,261 --> 00:27:06,941
Is that really doing anybody
a favour, do you think? Entwistle, how did you do it? Entwistle?
322
00:27:06,941 --> 00:27:09,521
Entwistle?
323
00:27:09,521 --> 00:27:13,221
Wise man knows all joy
is smoke in wind.
324
00:27:13,221 --> 00:27:16,341
To abstain from hope is beneficial.
325
00:27:16,341 --> 00:27:19,101
Oh, 'eck! Lionel's depressed him!
326
00:27:23,081 --> 00:27:29,961
Oh, Lionel! You really mean
we can go straight home without having to call at your mum's?
327
00:27:29,961 --> 00:27:32,361
Just you and me, kid.
328
00:27:32,361 --> 00:27:39,881
I had this long talk with
a famous wise man. They're terrific, these wise men from Hull.
329
00:27:51,161 --> 00:27:55,621
On your feet, Entwistle. Overcome
these depressive periods.
330
00:27:55,921 --> 00:28:00,741
Look at me. I've had to face up to
the chance Robin Hood was ginger.
331
00:28:00,741 --> 00:28:03,821
I'll give you one word. Spores.
332
00:28:03,821 --> 00:28:06,461
Get up, Entwistle. Get up.
333
00:28:06,821 --> 00:28:09,201
You're on damp grass!
334
00:28:27,341 --> 00:28:31,681
Come on, lass,
what DOES makes you laugh?
335
00:28:31,681 --> 00:28:37,521
Do you like a good joke? No.
Do you like a bad joke? No. Well, what does make you laugh?
336
00:28:45,341 --> 00:28:47,481
Gotcha!
337
00:28:47,531 --> 00:28:52,081
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