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1
00:00:02,840 --> 00:00:06,920
I used to come out here
with an old Volvo headlamp...
2
00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:10,720
put it to me ear
and listen to the universe.
3
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:13,460
In Swedish?
4
00:00:13,460 --> 00:00:18,920
You feel at one with nature. You feel
at one with the ground being hard.
5
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:25,640
There's a hallowed police technique
for calming unruly prisoners that made you feel quite close to nature.
6
00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:29,640
They never mentioned it
at flower arranging.
7
00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:33,780
And what did the universe
used to say, tha must be wondering?
8
00:00:33,780 --> 00:00:37,020
"Who's that idiot
with the Volvo headlamp?"
9
00:00:37,020 --> 00:00:41,860
"It's only Billy Hardcastle,"
it used to say, "earwigging again."
10
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:48,220
It used to say nowt, actually. Makes
you wonder whether there's owt there.
11
00:00:48,220 --> 00:00:52,920
A question man has been asking
since his time began.
12
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:57,700
Is there anything beyond the reach
of a Volvo headlamp?
13
00:00:57,700 --> 00:01:02,860
I used to come out here all alone,
seeking the meaning of life.
14
00:01:02,860 --> 00:01:06,960
And did you never get a reply
to all your questions?
15
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:09,960
Only once. One night a voice said,
16
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:13,400
"Billy, what are you doing out here?"
17
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,240
A voice?
18
00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:21,000
It was the missus and her sister.
They'd followed me. They thought I were up to summat.
19
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:26,820
Didn't you say you were seeking
the meaning of life? It made no difference.
20
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:31,060
They kept checking me by torchlight
for traces of lipstick.
21
00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:38,340
Ah, the thing I like about
this place is the peace and quiet.
22
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,680
THUMPING MUSIC APPROACHES
23
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:54,980
Do you sometimes wish they'd bring
back the death penalty? It's what every policeman wants for Christmas.
24
00:01:54,980 --> 00:02:00,160
It's a one-off. You don't see many
vehicles out here. Maybe he's lost.
25
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:04,180
Anybody who plays stuff like that
is bound to be lost.
26
00:02:04,180 --> 00:02:08,260
You could be out here for months
and never see another vehicle.
27
00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:18,260
WELSH ACCENT:
Excuse me. Can you tell me where to find the loneliest spot round here?
28
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,400
Well...it used to be here.
29
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,840
Why must it be the loneliest spot?
30
00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:59,800
I want to get away from everything.
31
00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:02,340
I'm nursing a broken heart.
32
00:03:02,340 --> 00:03:07,840
Lonely spot suitable for nursing -
this is trickier than we thought.
33
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:11,940
Lucky you fell in with the
nature experts round here.
34
00:03:11,940 --> 00:03:15,600
I know a good place to start.
Turn in here.
35
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:25,820
A pub? This can't be the loneliest
spot. No, but it's a good place to get the maps out.
36
00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:40,740
So, nursing a broken heart, is it?
37
00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:44,220
Don't remind me.
38
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:50,060
HE SOBS
39
00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:52,300
Now look what you've done.
40
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:58,700
I only asked a simple question. You
don't expect people to fall apart. Especially a Land Rover owner.
41
00:03:58,700 --> 00:04:02,780
That's true.
Hysteria is more your BMW.
42
00:04:02,780 --> 00:04:06,800
It used to be an option.
Now it's fitted as standard.
43
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,180
Cindy Fritters.
44
00:04:09,180 --> 00:04:13,080
My whole life
revolved around Cindy Fritters.
45
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:16,580
She sounds like
a fast-food establishment.
46
00:04:16,580 --> 00:04:21,260
She broke my heart...
in little pieces.
47
00:04:21,260 --> 00:04:28,180
Chin up! The world's full of women.
You try catching a bus when it's bingo time.
48
00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:31,720
Loneliness is my destiny.
49
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:38,740
You have to admire the sheer nerve
of anybody who can say things like, "Loneliness is my destiny."
50
00:04:38,740 --> 00:04:44,700
I'm going to settle down
in the loneliest spot I can find. I'm going to contemplate life.
51
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,460
Do you think I could become...
52
00:04:49,460 --> 00:04:53,160
the Wise Man Of The Woods?
53
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:58,080
It's about the only thing left that
doesn't need lots of qualifications.
54
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:03,920
Simple charity and a certain thirst
tells me we'd better buy this poor soul a drink.
55
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:08,460
Then he'd become known as the
Wise And Legless Man Of The Woods.
56
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,440
Is this clock right?
57
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:20,180
Yes, that clock IS right. And stop
watching it. Stop twitching about.
58
00:05:22,380 --> 00:05:28,640
My grandma had two things she cared
for - a budgie called Chester and a clock like that.
59
00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:33,640
You must have had it some years. It
was a wedding present, Wesley's side.
60
00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:38,340
My poor father came with a free
clock. And he's still going too.
61
00:05:38,340 --> 00:05:41,060
I've had HIM some years.
62
00:05:41,060 --> 00:05:44,180
Yes, we were all raised
to make things last.
63
00:05:44,180 --> 00:05:44,260
Your men didn't last five minutes.
64
00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:46,740
I was searching
for the right material.
65
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:53,900
If you ever find it,
can we borrow a bit?
66
00:05:53,900 --> 00:05:57,440
CAR HORN
Was that my Barry? Sit down, girl.
67
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:02,180
I've got strict instructions not
to be late. Instructions? From who?
68
00:06:02,180 --> 00:06:05,920
From my Barry.
He's becoming very forceful.
69
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,160
Oh, he is, is he?
70
00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:13,920
- Come in, Barry.
- No, it's time we were off.
71
00:06:16,580 --> 00:06:21,260
Well, if it's
Wise Man Of The Woods you're after,
72
00:06:21,260 --> 00:06:23,840
you ought to be among some trees.
73
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:27,060
Have no fear,
we'll find thee some trees.
74
00:06:27,060 --> 00:06:31,280
And if he's going to be
the Wise Man Of The Woods,
75
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:33,580
what is his name?
76
00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:36,500
Kevin.
77
00:06:36,500 --> 00:06:40,460
I'm sorry, it doesn't do it.
Not for me.
78
00:06:40,460 --> 00:06:43,980
Kevin Wise Man Of The Woods.
79
00:06:43,980 --> 00:06:46,100
You're going to need an alias.
80
00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:49,600
You need something.
You'll have to lose the Kevin.
81
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:51,680
What's wrong with Kevin?
82
00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:55,740
Nothing, on its own.
We had a Kevin in the Vice Squad.
83
00:06:55,740 --> 00:06:59,740
Although he had to take
early retirement.
84
00:06:59,740 --> 00:07:03,300
What if Robin Hood was called Kevin?
Wouldn't do, would it?
85
00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:05,900
Have you got another name?
86
00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:07,660
Wanless.
87
00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:10,840
Wanless Wise Man Of The Woods.
88
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:13,140
No, I don't think so.
89
00:07:13,140 --> 00:07:17,280
It's more complicated than I
thought, this Wise Man Of The Wood.
90
00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,440
It has to be, else everybody'd do it.
91
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:26,420
And another thing -
you're not dressed for it. You need shaggy hair and clothing.
92
00:07:26,420 --> 00:07:30,740
So how do they tell you
from a tramp? By the wisdom.
93
00:07:30,740 --> 00:07:35,280
Oh, right. And you'll need
a good pair of sandals.
94
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:38,840
Wisdom doesn't seem to like
much on its feet.
95
00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,920
Tha looks more like
tha's selling insurance.
96
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:48,820
Maybe that's the line to take -
"Consult the Wise Man Of The Woods. Insurance advice a speciality."
97
00:07:48,820 --> 00:07:53,660
I know nothing about insurance. I
only know I've lost Cindy Fritters.
98
00:07:53,660 --> 00:07:57,580
I worship the ground
she used to throw me on.
99
00:07:57,580 --> 00:08:00,240
Oh, Big Cindy Fritters!
100
00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:04,420
Oh, magnificent!
Life is so empty now.
101
00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:12,580
Like these glasses.
What does the Wise Man Of The Woods think about buying another drink?
102
00:08:12,580 --> 00:08:16,340
Let's go for it!
That's the wisest thing he's said.
103
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:29,880
Hey, Wise Man Of The Woods.
Oh, did somebody call?
104
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:34,120
You're in no condition to drive.
None of us is.
105
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:38,180
We'll have to sober you up
before you can start being wise.
106
00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:43,160
I hoped to start straightaway. I was
thinking, "Kevin, you are ready."
107
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:48,800
For falling down, maybe. Ah, the
Horizontal Wise Man Of The Woods!
108
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,240
I can do wisdom lying down.
109
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:56,740
Not dressed like that.
Wait for your wise man's overalls. Will they have a pocket for sweets?
110
00:08:56,740 --> 00:09:00,880
He's asking questions already.
Way to go, Wise Man! No.
111
00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,860
No, THERE'S the way to go.
112
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:11,400
We can leave the caravan here
and Howard can drive us all back to town in the Land Rover.
113
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:15,440
Good thinking, Clegg. Drink must
have gone straight to your head.
114
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:19,660
Hey! I'M supposed to be
dishing out the wisdom round here.
115
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,220
Oh, Howard, we've been discovered.
116
00:09:24,220 --> 00:09:29,040
We'll tell them I found you
wandering with loss of memory.
117
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:32,400
Now, then, you two.
I'd hardly call us two.
118
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,680
I met this lady quite by accident.
119
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:39,240
I could probably vouch for that
if I hadn't lost my memory.
120
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:46,060
Relax. We need you to drive us back
into town, Howard. The three of us and the Wise Man Of The Woods.
121
00:09:47,140 --> 00:09:51,820
Heavens! Trapped in a Land Rover
with the Wild Man Of The Woods!
122
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:56,220
WISE Man. Not WILD Man, Wise Man.
123
00:09:56,220 --> 00:10:00,060
Oh, well, I suppose that's a relief.
124
00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:14,199
The cheque's in the post.
125
00:10:18,019 --> 00:10:20,599
Hey up, Barry, lad.
126
00:10:20,599 --> 00:10:25,539
Hello, Mr Simmonite. I'm looking
for number 43. Found it. Done that.
127
00:10:25,539 --> 00:10:30,939
"How To Succeed In Business - retired
executive offers managerial advice."
128
00:10:30,939 --> 00:10:35,559
Usually by post,
but come in, lad, come in.
129
00:10:35,559 --> 00:10:41,679
I didn't realise it'd be
a hut on the allotments. I thought there'd be an office somewhere.
130
00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:48,219
That's the first piece of advice.
Keep your overheads low. Don't throw your money away on flash premises.
131
00:10:48,219 --> 00:10:52,359
I congratulate you on how well you've
avoided flash premises, Mr Simmonite.
132
00:10:52,359 --> 00:10:54,999
I've always had a flair for it.
133
00:10:57,279 --> 00:10:59,979
I read your advert in the paper.
134
00:10:59,979 --> 00:11:04,219
That's the second piece, lad -
the power of advertising.
135
00:11:08,899 --> 00:11:13,039
You have a natural flair
for the Land Rover, Howard.
136
00:11:13,039 --> 00:11:18,999
I suppose it's because
we're both rugged creatures, built for the wild outdoors.
137
00:11:29,019 --> 00:11:34,239
I wouldn't mind if I'd had sherry,
but did that car have any driver?
138
00:11:34,239 --> 00:11:40,259
It had some funny passengers.
Call me suspicious, but I think I recognised that bicycle.
139
00:11:41,339 --> 00:11:43,579
HORN BLAST
140
00:11:44,799 --> 00:11:51,299
Young Tom will be able
to advise you on the dress code for a Wise Man Of The Woods.
141
00:11:51,299 --> 00:11:55,859
It's lucky I fell in with you lot.
It's getting me off to a good start.
142
00:11:55,859 --> 00:12:00,839
Listen! Now, when I get really wise
and you come to consult,
143
00:12:00,839 --> 00:12:03,499
there'll always be a discount.
144
00:12:06,019 --> 00:12:11,319
That's sweet. Not as sweet as
doing it for free. Any time, Barry.
145
00:12:11,319 --> 00:12:13,939
You take people for granted.
146
00:12:13,939 --> 00:12:18,239
You never realise they were once
very big with ICI. Imagine!
147
00:12:18,239 --> 00:12:25,039
Tom was very senior with ICI
until he gave it all up to pursue his spiritual side.
148
00:12:26,859 --> 00:12:31,279
Aren't you glad that sometimes
you don't have a mortgage with Barry?
149
00:12:31,279 --> 00:12:33,499
I DO have a mortgage with Barry.
150
00:12:33,499 --> 00:12:37,799
Don't worry, he's very thick
with senior people from ICI.
151
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:39,859
He's very thick.
152
00:12:43,119 --> 00:12:45,419
You were very big in ICI?
153
00:12:45,419 --> 00:12:49,119
That's right -
Instant Chest Improvers.
154
00:12:49,119 --> 00:12:55,239
I was their chief executive.
We were doing great until some twit's elastic broke.
155
00:12:55,359 --> 00:12:58,179
Who's this, then? Oh, this is Kevin,
156
00:12:58,179 --> 00:13:03,479
Wise Man Of The Woods. Well, not
exactly. I'm at the planning stage.
157
00:13:03,479 --> 00:13:06,619
We don't think he's dressed right.
158
00:13:09,679 --> 00:13:11,939
You're right. He looks terrible.
159
00:13:11,939 --> 00:13:16,539
YOU'D look terrible.
I've just lost Cindy Fritters.
160
00:13:16,539 --> 00:13:20,399
Go outside if tha's going to cry,
Kevin.
161
00:13:20,399 --> 00:13:22,599
I'll come with you.
162
00:13:22,599 --> 00:13:24,719
Don't you start.
163
00:13:24,719 --> 00:13:27,499
Well, it's so sad.
164
00:13:27,499 --> 00:13:31,139
Have you lot been drinking?
Just a touch.
165
00:13:39,339 --> 00:13:44,379
Have you ever had, you know,
any funny experiences on nights?
166
00:13:44,379 --> 00:13:49,219
There were nothing between me and
that barmaid. It's a wicked rumour.
167
00:13:49,219 --> 00:13:54,879
You don't have to lie to me.
I covered for you. Was that you?
168
00:13:54,879 --> 00:13:57,199
I thought it were PC Dobbs.
169
00:13:57,199 --> 00:13:59,959
No. He was the other barmaid.
170
00:13:59,959 --> 00:14:02,359
Oh, her. Right.
171
00:14:02,359 --> 00:14:05,179
What I was asking was -
172
00:14:05,179 --> 00:14:09,719
flaky experiences, occult,
ghost-like.
173
00:14:09,719 --> 00:14:11,699
Oh, them.
174
00:14:11,699 --> 00:14:15,719
You have, haven't you?
I can hear it in your voice.
175
00:14:15,719 --> 00:14:22,319
I believe there are some things
uncanny, and things it's impossible to know, yet some people do.
176
00:14:22,319 --> 00:14:24,899
The wife, to mention a few.
177
00:14:24,899 --> 00:14:31,579
You know what it's like
when you're out there on your own. It's pitch dark.
178
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:36,119
You're out on foot.
Everything's creaking,
179
00:14:36,119 --> 00:14:38,899
and the wind's blowing.
180
00:14:38,899 --> 00:14:42,939
It's true. It's no job
for a nervous disposition.
181
00:14:42,939 --> 00:14:47,719
Do you think there IS something?
You know - out there?
182
00:14:50,259 --> 00:14:54,819
I want to report
a driverless Land Rover. A what?
183
00:14:54,819 --> 00:14:59,299
A Land Rover without a driver. It
nearly ran me down. How do you mean?
184
00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:04,079
It missed me by inches. I could see
everything. There was no driver.
185
00:15:04,079 --> 00:15:06,799
The headless driver.
186
00:15:06,799 --> 00:15:09,519
She said driverless.
187
00:15:09,519 --> 00:15:15,459
If it was being driven,
the legs just had to be there. And the hands on the wheel.
188
00:15:23,999 --> 00:15:27,059
Dearie me, is there a bus in?
189
00:15:27,059 --> 00:15:30,659
It's not often I find you here,
Norman Clegg.
190
00:15:30,659 --> 00:15:34,899
I'm safe today.
I'm with the Wise Man Of The Woods.
191
00:15:34,899 --> 00:15:38,559
Him?
This is the Wise Man Of The Woods?
192
00:15:38,559 --> 00:15:41,059
I'm only just starting, like.
193
00:15:41,059 --> 00:15:45,099
Doesn't look the part, does he?
We told him you could help.
194
00:15:46,639 --> 00:15:49,099
You must be wiser than you look.
195
00:15:49,099 --> 00:15:53,879
How did you know I was offering sale
prices for Wise Men Of The Woods?
196
00:15:53,879 --> 00:15:55,919
Tha's in luck, Kevin.
197
00:15:55,919 --> 00:15:58,859
He'll be wiser when he gets his bill.
198
00:15:58,859 --> 00:16:03,079
Be gentle with him,
he's got a broken heart.
199
00:16:03,079 --> 00:16:05,179
Oh, dear!
200
00:16:05,179 --> 00:16:09,879
I always think the best thing
for that is to spend a lot.
201
00:16:09,879 --> 00:16:12,699
To show a certain recklessness.
202
00:16:12,699 --> 00:16:16,899
To prove to the loved one
that nothing else matters.
203
00:16:16,899 --> 00:16:22,439
That's just how I feel. I shall
live simply, take a vow of poverty.
204
00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,939
I'm glad you called here first.
205
00:16:24,939 --> 00:16:29,799
And once word gets round, it might
get as far as Cindy Fritters.
206
00:16:29,799 --> 00:16:36,099
And then, one day,
she'll come over the hill and find me in my wood, being wise.
207
00:16:36,099 --> 00:16:40,879
And she'll realise
I've done it all for her.
208
00:16:40,879 --> 00:16:42,519
Aw!
209
00:16:50,379 --> 00:16:55,239
Would you require a full outfit
for a Wise Lady Of The Woods too?
210
00:16:56,319 --> 00:16:58,919
I don't think so. Not just yet.
211
00:16:58,919 --> 00:17:01,079
ALL: Very wise.
212
00:17:06,639 --> 00:17:08,999
Four teas, please, Ivy.
213
00:17:08,999 --> 00:17:10,819
Four?
214
00:17:10,819 --> 00:17:15,379
Oh, nice(!) We've just found wisdom,
now we've lost it.
215
00:17:16,039 --> 00:17:18,639
Come on, Kevin!
216
00:17:18,639 --> 00:17:22,139
Who is he? Bit shy.
217
00:17:22,139 --> 00:17:24,539
Of a slate or two.
218
00:17:24,539 --> 00:17:28,539
Oh, well, he should fit in
with you lot quite nicely.
219
00:17:28,539 --> 00:17:32,599
Speak softly to him.
The man's broken-hearted.
220
00:17:32,599 --> 00:17:35,099
Pining for Cindy Fritters.
221
00:17:35,099 --> 00:17:40,659
Don't stock 'em. He gets Tesco's
or he'll do without. Bring him in.
222
00:17:46,719 --> 00:17:48,719
Get him out!
223
00:17:50,959 --> 00:17:53,779
You call that speaking softly?
224
00:17:53,779 --> 00:17:58,219
He's out and he stays out.
You can't bring old tramps in here.
225
00:17:58,219 --> 00:18:03,139
He's not, he's the Wise Man Of The
Woods. Well, he looks like a tramp.
226
00:18:03,139 --> 00:18:06,399
Well, admittedly,
he LOOKS like an old tramp.
227
00:18:06,399 --> 00:18:08,579
He could bring a lot of custom in.
228
00:18:08,579 --> 00:18:12,339
He looks like
he'd bring all sorts of things in.
229
00:18:12,339 --> 00:18:17,099
He's doing a big advertising
campaign. Advertising what?
230
00:18:17,099 --> 00:18:20,559
Consultations
with the Wise Man Of The Woods.
231
00:18:20,559 --> 00:18:26,119
It's all been arranged. He's getting
massive publicity even as we speak.
232
00:18:28,159 --> 00:18:31,179
How long do I have to wear this?
233
00:18:31,179 --> 00:18:35,859
Till we've built up his reputation.
Till he starts picking up trade.
234
00:18:35,859 --> 00:18:39,899
And what's in it for us?
We're on commission, aren't we?
235
00:18:39,899 --> 00:18:44,979
Does he know that? If he's so wise,
he ought to know that, didn't he?
236
00:18:44,979 --> 00:18:49,119
How long have you been
the Wise Man Of The Woods?
237
00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:52,019
Not me. I'm just his handmaiden.
238
00:18:52,019 --> 00:18:56,359
Not him. You want
the REAL Wise Man Of The Woods.
239
00:18:56,359 --> 00:18:59,219
"Consultations at reasonable rates."
240
00:18:59,219 --> 00:19:02,799
Never been cheaper.
It's his slow season.
241
00:19:02,799 --> 00:19:09,219
Where would a person...
in search of wisdom find this Wise Man Of The Woods?
242
00:19:09,219 --> 00:19:13,419
How lucky can you get?
He's round the corner, at the cafe.
243
00:19:13,419 --> 00:19:17,479
That doesn't sound very Wise Man
Of The Woodish. He's got to eat.
244
00:19:17,479 --> 00:19:23,479
I thought he'd be in the woods,
doing magical things with a few herbs. Funny you should say that.
245
00:19:23,479 --> 00:19:25,639
He IS with a few herbs.
246
00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:30,319
Why have people
started rejecting me?
247
00:19:30,319 --> 00:19:33,219
I've a fund of amusing stories.
248
00:19:33,219 --> 00:19:37,299
Cheer up, Kevin, it were nothing
personal. She throws everybody out.
249
00:19:37,299 --> 00:19:41,399
Yes, anybody who is anybody
has been thrown out by Ivy.
250
00:19:41,399 --> 00:19:44,699
Regulars can obtain a season ticket.
251
00:19:44,699 --> 00:19:48,179
Tomorrow, things might look
entirely different.
252
00:19:48,179 --> 00:19:51,759
Tha might have tripped in t'greenwood
and broken thy leg.
253
00:19:51,759 --> 00:19:53,859
I don't care about anything.
254
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:57,899
I've lost the only beautiful thing
that ever happened to me.
255
00:19:57,899 --> 00:20:01,619
She throws you on the floor!
There's a fitted carpet.
256
00:20:01,619 --> 00:20:05,599
He's gone. He's lost it.
There's no hope.
257
00:20:07,359 --> 00:20:09,459
Hiya, Barry.
258
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:14,519
I was told to enquire here
for the Wise Man Of The Woods.
259
00:20:16,859 --> 00:20:20,879
She's a black belt, you know.
She once sprained my elbow.
260
00:20:20,879 --> 00:20:22,959
Oh, nobody could be sweeter!
261
00:20:22,959 --> 00:20:25,059
That's him?
262
00:20:25,059 --> 00:20:28,579
The man himself.
We can vouch for him.
263
00:20:28,579 --> 00:20:32,979
We've been with him ever since
he took his first wise footsteps...
264
00:20:32,979 --> 00:20:37,099
not very steady footsteps.
And now, I have to face it -
265
00:20:37,099 --> 00:20:41,059
she'll never sprain
anything of mine again.
266
00:20:43,519 --> 00:20:46,059
I can't bear to see a grown man weep.
267
00:20:46,059 --> 00:20:51,759
Unless it's an Irish tenor - that's
understandable. The man needs help.
268
00:20:51,759 --> 00:20:54,319
You could help him, Barry.
269
00:20:54,319 --> 00:21:01,319
Isn't it pushy, helping the Wise Man
Of The Woods? Will he be impressed by two A levels and a library ticket?
270
00:21:01,319 --> 00:21:06,699
At the risk of a sprained elbow,
you could find Cindy and bring her to him.
271
00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:11,239
We'll supply you with the address,
Barry, if the Wise Man remembers it.
272
00:21:24,899 --> 00:21:28,939
How do, Barry, lad?
You're not on fire again, Mr Pegden?
273
00:21:28,939 --> 00:21:33,159
Just the cap, lad.
I think it enjoys a good smoke.
274
00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:39,539
I wondered if I could borrow your
Land Rover, Mr Pegden. I don't see why not. Is it a heavy load?
275
00:21:39,539 --> 00:21:45,819
I have to fetch a woman for the Wise
Man Of The Woods. I don't like being seen in my car with a strange woman.
276
00:21:45,819 --> 00:21:49,879
He can't be that wise
if he's still sending out for women.
277
00:21:49,879 --> 00:21:54,779
She's a black belt. Oh, worse things
in life than your cap on fire!
278
00:21:54,779 --> 00:21:58,879
Keys are in. Just mind the
gear stick. What's wrong with it?
279
00:21:58,879 --> 00:22:05,159
The knob falls off.
Don't lose it. I'd hate to lose it. We've been together so long.
280
00:22:37,379 --> 00:22:40,939
It's him.
They think he looks like a tramp.
281
00:22:40,939 --> 00:22:44,319
Ah, that's because he looks
like a tramp.
282
00:22:44,319 --> 00:22:48,819
Oh, I'll stop here.
One bleak spot is as good as another.
283
00:22:50,079 --> 00:22:54,079
Oh heck! Now he's got spots.
We'll never get a lift!
284
00:22:54,079 --> 00:22:56,639
Hang on. Look who's coming.
285
00:23:03,839 --> 00:23:06,339
We're looking for a lift.
286
00:23:06,339 --> 00:23:09,039
Who's HE when he's at home?
287
00:23:10,599 --> 00:23:13,139
He's the Wise Man Of The Woods.
288
00:23:13,139 --> 00:23:17,439
If he's so wise, how come
he hasn't got his own transport?
289
00:23:21,759 --> 00:23:24,439
Well, there's his caravan.
290
00:23:27,699 --> 00:23:30,279
But there's nobody inside.
291
00:23:30,279 --> 00:23:37,899
If he's open for consultation, he
should keep office hours. I wonder if he reads palms or uses cards.
292
00:23:37,899 --> 00:23:42,159
Either way, it'll be a giggle.
I hope he won't be too wise.
293
00:23:42,159 --> 00:23:48,679
I don't want him stumbling across
every detail. If I thought he could, I'd bring Howard and take notes.
294
00:23:52,559 --> 00:23:54,239
That's him.
295
00:23:56,659 --> 00:24:00,199
I don't know how wise
HE'S going to be.
296
00:24:01,919 --> 00:24:05,379
Ladies. Is he open for consultation?
297
00:24:06,659 --> 00:24:10,199
There you go, you see -
business already.
298
00:24:10,199 --> 00:24:12,019
Step this way, ladies.
299
00:24:12,019 --> 00:24:16,059
I'm staying here. I've had
enough criticism of my driving.
300
00:24:16,059 --> 00:24:19,899
Oh, Mother!
Come on, Auntie Roz is going in.
301
00:24:19,899 --> 00:24:22,739
She was always forward, that one.
302
00:24:51,379 --> 00:24:55,679
It's been wonderful,
borrowing Kevin's Land Rover.
303
00:24:55,679 --> 00:25:02,939
When you said we should look at some
ancient sites, I didn't think you MEANT we'd look at ancient sights.
304
00:25:09,839 --> 00:25:12,479
He did it ALL for me!
305
00:25:12,479 --> 00:25:15,319
You see how you underestimate people?
306
00:25:15,319 --> 00:25:21,779
Who'd have thought that,
for little me, someone would go away to become the Wise Man Of The Woods?
307
00:25:21,779 --> 00:25:26,079
It was the act of a gentleman
that you came to tell me. Thank you.
308
00:25:42,959 --> 00:25:45,779
Oh, it's the Wise Man Of The Woods.
309
00:25:45,779 --> 00:25:49,879
Thank you for the use of the
Land Rover, Wise Man Of The Woods.
310
00:25:49,879 --> 00:25:52,319
Well, I hope you used it wisely.
311
00:25:52,319 --> 00:25:55,219
We saw the ancient sights.
312
00:25:55,219 --> 00:25:59,359
I saw a few myself
in my days in the Vice Squad.
313
00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:02,139
Howard, I don't want to worry you,
314
00:26:02,139 --> 00:26:06,399
but there's an ancient sight
bearing down on you right now.
315
00:26:10,159 --> 00:26:12,199
Oh, quick!
316
00:26:12,199 --> 00:26:13,719
Hey!
317
00:26:28,799 --> 00:26:33,139
The Wise Man Of The Woods!
Come to Mamma!
318
00:26:40,239 --> 00:26:42,299
Oh, good heavens!
319
00:26:42,299 --> 00:26:46,399
First thing you know,
you've got men all over you.
320
00:26:48,939 --> 00:26:52,979
Oh, I'm ever so sorry. I don't know
what you must think of me.
321
00:26:52,979 --> 00:26:56,679
Well, first impressions
were pretty powerful.
322
00:26:57,839 --> 00:26:59,479
Aaah
323
00:26:59,479 --> 00:27:03,519
Sweet mystery of life
324
00:27:03,519 --> 00:27:07,159
At last I've found thee
325
00:27:07,159 --> 00:27:09,939
And at last
326
00:27:09,939 --> 00:27:14,519
I know the secret of it all.
327
00:27:29,879 --> 00:27:32,919
So how did you get that lipstick,
Barry?
328
00:27:32,919 --> 00:27:36,679
I-I-I tried not to,
but she was very strong.
329
00:27:36,679 --> 00:27:40,059
Oh, Barry! That little woman?!
330
00:27:40,059 --> 00:27:44,079
She can do things to your elbow
that you wouldn't believe.
331
00:27:44,079 --> 00:27:45,919
Oh, me knob!
332
00:27:55,899 --> 00:27:59,679
You saw that?
The headless Land Rover.
333
00:27:59,679 --> 00:28:04,119
What do you think? I think he was
driving nice and steadily, actually.
334
00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:08,599
Right. Well within the limit.
On his own side of the road.
335
00:28:08,599 --> 00:28:13,439
There's no reason, really, for us
to interfere. It wouldn't be fair.
336
00:28:14,579 --> 00:28:16,839
There ought to be more like him.
337
00:28:45,039 --> 00:28:49,359
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338
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