All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s12e03 The Charity Balls.eng

It is! It's Nora Batty.
I knew it.

I saw this vision of loveliness
pass the shop and I said to myself,

"Ho ho! That is my true love,
Nora Batty."

Get off home, ye daft devil.
Shouting in the streets!

You want locking up. Aye, in your
bedroom and throw away the key!

I'd throw away more than that.

That's the best offer
tha'll get today.

Stop making a fool of yourself.
It reflects on other people.

And stand properly. Chest out.
I'm more the backside out type.

I'll second that.

I were only saying hello to Nora.
At the top of your voice.

He gets no better. Why do people say
at the top of your voice?

Never the middle of your voice.

"Come here", he said,
at the middle of his voice.

He will get better,
now he's in capable hands. I just wish he'd stand properly.

Somehow it offends me
deep down in Queens Regulations.

Why don't you press this sometime?

I would if I could get close enough
to Nora Batty.

What does he see in Nora Batty?

She terrifies me. Me too.

I can't serve her.
I have to fetch the wife.

I'd come to a crossroads in life.

It was Nora Batty or Joan Crawford,
and I'd never lived next door to Joan Crawford.

So, you chose a practical solution.
I thought so.

There were also this possibility
that Nora Batty had better legs.

Better legs?!

Who knows the secrets
held beneath those wrinkles? The wrinkles are a disguise?

There is that possibility, Norman.

You're out of your tiny mind.

There is also THAT possibility.

Come along. Don't lag behind.

Listen, Prunella. Tha's got legs
twice the size of a normal human.

It's not my idea of heaven
going walkies with a giraffe.

What IS your idea of heaven?

It'd have to be a Free House
for a start.

Get a move on! If I move any faster
my Y-fronts will start smouldering!

I don't want to think about that.

Can you imagine what that would do
to the Greenhouse Effect?

What's all the gallop for, anyroad?

Where are we going?

Nowhere.
It's all a question of fitness.

COMPO AND CLEGG:
Oh, fitness!

I suppose you think that's funny.

I spend time and effort trying
to get you up to military standard. I let you see my magnetic compass.

I don't ask for applause.

Just a little...appreciation.

My time with you is voluntary.
I could run a karate class and earn good money.

Teaching a few selected pupils
the art of silent killing.

Tha's killing me.
And I wish tha'd be silent.

You know why you didn't enjoy
our little exercise? Aye, because I'm knackered.

Exactly, because you're not fit.

Don't underestimate being not fit.

We're not your average "not fit".

After years of practice,
we're at a peak of non-fitness.

You'd think I was driving you hard.

I'm making every allowance
for your civilian status. Not walking you far.

Putting you through none of the
difficult military manoeuvres.

Shoulder arms!
One-two-three. One-two-three.

Present arms!
One-two-three. One-two-three-one.

Shoulder arms! One-two-three-one.

Party will retire! About turn!

One-two-three. One-two-three-one.
Quick march!

I suppose you think that is funny.

They do. They think that's funny.

Never any praise
for things I do superbly.

How many other people do you know
can name the parts of a Bren gun?

Hey, it's Jack Harry.

He's on a trouser diet.

How come he's dressed like that?

And him working in a greengrocer's.

Would you like seeing him handle
your mange-tout dressed like that?

Maybe that's how it is
in greengrocer's.

Nobody cares what goes on in the
back shop as long as they're tidy above the counter.

It's for charity!
I think that's nice, giving his trousers for charity.

I'm entering the sponsored dribble.

He's going to dribble his tea.
He's going to be outclassed if you're here.

I'm going to dribble a football.
Meself and a partner.

We have to see how far we can go
dribbling a ball between us. For charity.

I wish you could do it
wearing your trousers.

Footballers
don't wear trousers.

Well, get your knees away
from my other customers.

If anything
depresses the appetite

it's the sight
of unweathered masculine knees.

Sit thaself down, Jack Harry.
And tuck thaself away.

Nothing wrong with wearing shorts.

I mean, we wore shorts all the time
out East. Very sensible garment.

I bet tha looked a right tulip!

Not wearing the right accessories.

A crisply ironed shirt
and a rifle and bayonet.

Who's your partner, Jack Harry?

You don't HAVE
to go to the dribble, love.

It'll be a pleasure.

Just to see the smile
on the onlookers' faces.

You'll be a big hit.
They'll want an encore.

You want to check up on me.
But I've told you, my partner's Jack Harry Teesdale.

It'd better be.

You needn't think
you're off dribbling with Marina, charity or no charity.

SLURPS NOISILY

Fancy going
for a sponsored dribble!

Where do they find
all these barmpots?

It isn't very difficult around here.
They keep putting this stuff in the water.

They'll get in a tangle. They won't
know who's kicking whose ball.

We don't all start at once.

We can start from anywhere,
in pairs, at any time.

We can pick our own route.
Fine if they're gentlemen, but suppose they cheat?

A responsible person
supervises every pair.

He goes with them, and testifies how
many miles they've actually done.

So there's two players
under the supervision of a "responsible person"?

Yes, well, that's good thinking.

Look the other way, son.

I'm not doing it.
It's for charity, man.

NO!

We haven't got a ball.
I always make a point of not having a ball.

Right! Well...

I think we'll start from here.

Right. That man, over there.

You, stay where you are.

Now, when I give the signal,
you pass the ball to Clegg.

Then what?

Well, Clegg passes it back to you.

I'm going to be sick!

Right. On my signal.

Begin.

Oh, a bit harder than that.

Put some energy into it.

Get a bit of boot behind it.

Thanks.

Always a pleasure to be of service
to the sporting fraternity.

Why do they have a football
to collect money for charity?

We always used to use a tin.

They're all weird.
My Barry isn't weird.

If he's not,
that's weird as it is.

You can rely on it,
they're weird.

It just hasn't started
to show, yet.

You just get used to that, and
they start with a mid-life crisis.

You spoil your Barry.
In what way do I spoil my Barry?

By letting him go sprawling
over your best three piece suite.

I keep your father in the kitchen.
That's where THEY should be.

But I still put newspapers down.

Barry works in a Building Society.
He doesn't come home in a state.

You're still making
a rod for your own back.

They're so untidy the way
they sprawl over three piece suites.

I wish that were all
mine wanted to sprawl over!

How is your Howard?

You know how he is.
He's short and crafty.

Whenever you meet him
he's always polite.

They're the worst kind.

They need a clear conscience
before they feel they can be rude.

Did you ever threaten to leave?

Once.
What happened?

He broke down completely.

Started packing my suitcase!

They can't pack.
Never know how to pack a suitcase.

Come along. Come along.
Move it. Move it!

Here! Oh!

I get sick.

Some people get bright rosy cheeks,
but me, I get sick.

Where's the other one?
We're one short.

Are you sure
these are proper football shorts?

Of course. I've had them for years.

They come above the knee.
These come just above the ankle.

You do your damnedest
to keep them free from draughts and all they do is complain!

Jack Harry,
how did you get involved in this?

How do you think?

The wife! How did you?

Er...the wife.
"Do something for charity" she said.

Mine thinks I need the exercise.

Pearl thinks
I get enough exercise.

CAR HORN SOUNDS

Yes. Right, well, this'll do.

And no more mishaps.
Wait for my signal.

Like we did the last time?
That's right. Go on. Blame me.

Ah, yes.

Right. That man, you wait here
with the ball.

Couldn't we just walk along
and tap it between us?

No, no. If we're going to do this
let's do it with a bit of style.

Right. You, over here.

Right. Now, on my signal.

Begin.

Control it, man. Control it.

Good boy.

Stay there.

Stay there... Get off.

Get off...Down boy!

Cost me �5.99, that.

But did you see how I dominated it?
It's in the eyes, you know.

If you catch its attention
long enough to look in its eyes.

All in thy eyes was panic.

Go on, then. I give up.
Who are you supposed to be?

Look, less of this jaw, eh.
Pull us three pints and three large whiskies to go wi' em.

One thing I can't do,
is dribble on an empty stomach.

Can you afford three whiskies?

No, but you can.

YOU'RE the responsible person.
We all heard thee say it.

I think
he'd rather be bitten by a terrier! DOG YELPS NOISILY

Woof!

Woo-oo-oof!

Are you sure you want to go?

It's not that I WANT to. I can't
leave him out of sight too long.

I like him to think
he's always under surveillance. Very wise.

It might be if we were walking.
I'm not sure about being driven!

Do you want ME
to drive, mother?

No, I don't. Your father
thinks I don't get enough practice.

It does that.
I've noticed before, it does that.

Put your clutch in.
It's that pedal, there.

I know which pedal it is.

That's the brake.

Your father's been moving them.
I wish he'd leave things alone.

I'm not usually
a nervous passenger.

Except once during the war
when I got a lift from a serviceman.

CAR STARTS SUDDENLY
I think this'll be twice.

Ohhh!...Oh!...Oh!

Oh!...It's my ankle.

Oh, it's agony.
It's no good, I've twisted my ankle.

It looks to me
like a twisted ankle.

I'll get you back to town.
No, no!

No, I'll just limp
to that little van over there and get my leg up for half an hour.

HOWARD:
Oh!...Ohhh!

You needn't come with us
all the way, Eli. Oh, I don't mind. It's for charity.

Come here. Come here.

You know, I think that dog
is getting bigger.

It's only a Jack Russell!

Well, its mouth is bigger.

Don't worry, he's only interested
in the ball. It's not a footballer, it's a footbiter.

Norman, stop worrying.
You're safe out here.

Who was that mad fool?

I'll be a witness if they want
a description. That were Nora Batty.

I were nearly run down
by Nora Batty. Lucky me!

I tell you what we'll do.
Apply some tactical thinking.

We'll move OFF the roads.

We'll do a few miles, but nobody
said we had to do it on the roads.

Right. Come along, you men.
Cross-country!

Injured in the name of charity.
He's so brave.

The pain's terrible,
but I'm putting a brave face on it.

You can leave him with me, now.
I'll see to him, now.

Will he be alright?

I think he'll be
more than alright.

What am I going to do
without a partner? You'll have to dribble yourself.

No, that's no good.

Oh well, that's it then, innit?

That's put paid
to the sponsored dribbling.

Back off home now, eh? Not so fast.

You don't give in that easily.
It's all right by me if we give in that easily.

I'm not creeping home
admitting defeat.

No, no. We'll find some way.

Let's look at this logically.

Who can we say was to blame?

I mean, who was it
kicked the ball into the water?

I'm not going into the water.

I AM NOT going into the water!

Don't work yourself into a frenzy.
Leave it to Dewhurst.

There's no necessity for ANYONE
to go into the water.

That's a damned silly place
to leave your Land Rover. Where's Howard?

He's having first aid.
First aid?

You could call it that.

Don't worry.
He's in trained hands.

The way she was handling him,
Marina seemed very competent.

He's made a wonderful recovery!

You see, no need at all
for anyone to go into the water.

As you move out
towards the end of the branch,

it will dip towards the water.

Then you can retrieve the ball.

How do I keep hold of the ball
AND the bra-a-nch?

Just leave it with me.
We'll worry about that later. Hold on tight!

I AM holding on tight.

It scrapes your knees.
I solve your problems for you but all you can do is complain.

BRANCH GROANS
Hey up!

What's the matter now?
The branch is bending.

Of course it's bending.
That is the whole idea.

His idea, you'll notice, not yours.

He'll be all right.

Go along. Keep moving.

I'm going to fall!

No, you're not.
It's just imagination.

I'm pointing downhill now.

Yes, well, that's good.
Downhill is where the ball is.

A few more inches ought to do it.

I can't!

Brandy! Come on, Brandy,
wherever you are.

Oh, stop messing about. Brandy!

Ah. Excuse me, have you seen
a little dog about here?

There's no need
to get nasty about it, anyway.

Come on. We can't be here all day.

Just another two inches.

Oh-hh-hh!

Perhaps not two inches.
Try one inch.

Well, get the ball. Get the BALL!

Now throw the ball.
He's like a little child.

You have to spell it out to him...

Ha, ha. I've found her. Ha, ha, ha.

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