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1
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What has six legs...
2
00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:36,699
is slimy...
3
00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:39,880
and has a face under its feet?
I give up.
4
00:00:40,740 --> 00:00:43,859
You're supposed to think about it,
not just give up.
5
00:00:43,860 --> 00:00:44,939
Sorry.
6
00:00:44,940 --> 00:00:47,400
OK, I thought about it, I give up.
7
00:00:48,980 --> 00:00:52,979
Isn't it marvellous when you think
that Old Mystery Trousers here
8
00:00:52,980 --> 00:00:55,720
is of the same species
as Albert Einstein?
9
00:00:56,980 --> 00:01:01,439
I don't remember any
Albert Einsteins. Maybe they moved.
10
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:03,799
Greatest brain of the century.
11
00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:07,159
No question about it,
they moved.
12
00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:10,539
Who said he was the greatest brain?
13
00:01:10,540 --> 00:01:13,279
Ask anybody. I'm askin' thee.
14
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,320
It's common knowledge.
15
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:19,339
Did they check everybody?
16
00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:21,259
Did they go round saying,
17
00:01:21,260 --> 00:01:24,859
"Let's see if you've got a bigger
brain than Albert Hindsight."
18
00:01:24,860 --> 00:01:26,499
Einstein.
19
00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:28,800
Nobody checked on my brain.
20
00:01:29,820 --> 00:01:33,459
My God, that was a loss to the
scientific community, wasn't it?
21
00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:36,579
Listen, if they missed me,
they could've missed somebody
22
00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:39,179
what had a bigger brain
than Albert Hi-fi.
23
00:01:39,180 --> 00:01:42,819
There could be some twit in
Huddersfield who thinks he's stupid
24
00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:45,239
because nobody's
bothered to check...
25
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:47,999
to see if he's got a bigger brain
than... Oh, shut up.
26
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:49,880
I wish I'd never mentioned him.
27
00:01:51,060 --> 00:01:52,320
Just... just keep quiet.
28
00:01:52,420 --> 00:01:54,000
Relax, enjoy the fresh air.
29
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:03,840
Somebody's always bragging
that they've got something bigger than somebody else.
30
00:02:05,180 --> 00:02:07,519
I remember Noddy Hargreaves
at school.
31
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:10,279
He was always boasting
that he had the biggest...
32
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,080
That was a different thing entirely.
33
00:02:13,340 --> 00:02:15,680
That's certainly my recollection.
34
00:02:17,980 --> 00:02:20,480
I wonder where old Noddy is now.
35
00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:25,320
Wherever it is, I hope he's
developed a few wider interests.
36
00:02:25,860 --> 00:02:29,359
I'm sorry for all
the interruptions, Clegg.
37
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,819
Would you repeat your riddle?
38
00:02:31,820 --> 00:02:37,079
What has six legs, is slimy
and has a face under its feet?
39
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:40,159
A face under its feet...
40
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:43,639
No, that's a tricky one.
41
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,199
I give up.
42
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:49,979
How can you concentrate with Brain
of Britain yammering in your ear?
43
00:02:49,980 --> 00:02:51,920
What has two fingers
44
00:02:52,020 --> 00:02:55,059
waving gently in thy direction?
45
00:02:55,060 --> 00:02:56,880
You can put that away.
46
00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:02,039
Sorry, but under these conditions,
I have no option but to give up.
47
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:06,840
I must ask you to tell us what
has six legs, is slimy and has a face under its feet?
48
00:03:08,020 --> 00:03:11,520
I don't know, but you've got one
crawling on your cap.
49
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,479
He was responsible for
the Theory of Relativity.
50
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:39,279
Everyone's heard of Einstein's
Theory of Relativity.
51
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,259
Ask him what it means, Norm.
52
00:03:41,260 --> 00:03:42,579
You ask him.
53
00:03:42,580 --> 00:03:46,199
I don't like to,
I feel such a fool.
54
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,399
You think you don't understand
the question?
55
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,479
You wait till you hear the answer!
56
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:54,960
Tell us then, Foggy...
What is the Theory of Relativity?
57
00:03:57,180 --> 00:03:58,800
Well, the Theory of Relativity?
58
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:02,779
Er... you... you mean...
59
00:04:02,780 --> 00:04:05,979
Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
Mmmm.
60
00:04:05,980 --> 00:04:08,560
Er... Yes, well...
61
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:15,240
No, no... I think I'll start
with simpler diagrams.
62
00:04:16,180 --> 00:04:18,899
Simpler diagrams, Norm.
63
00:04:18,900 --> 00:04:21,899
Yes, I think the simpler diagrams.
64
00:04:21,900 --> 00:04:24,219
Yes, er... Pi R squared,
65
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:28,240
referred to by us mathematicians
as 2 Pi R...
66
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,479
You must appreciate this
is merely an approximation.
67
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,759
Oh, we do, we do. Oh, ho, ho!
68
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:40,679
Yes. Try to think of space as
solid and perhaps a little warped.
69
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:44,920
Well... just look at this van,
it's in appalling condition.
70
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:51,699
Somebody's not going to get
very far with this.
71
00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:55,680
I just had the same feeling about
the Theory of Relativity.
72
00:04:57,140 --> 00:05:00,459
I've seen things destroyed on
a battlefield in better condition.
73
00:05:00,460 --> 00:05:03,019
'Ey up, it's bombs away again.
74
00:05:03,020 --> 00:05:04,559
Some of us had to do it.
75
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,139
Us? I thought it were only thee.
76
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:10,959
Hey, Norm, do you remember
when Foggy recaptured Burma?
77
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,880
Was that the first time
or the second time?
78
00:05:17,540 --> 00:05:20,099
Either time! It weren't so clever.
79
00:05:20,100 --> 00:05:21,560
You 'ad help.
80
00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:25,979
And probably the biggest help
we had out there
81
00:05:25,980 --> 00:05:28,120
was the fact that
you never left England.
82
00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:32,019
I were guarding Gloria Cormby.
83
00:05:32,020 --> 00:05:34,039
Somebody 'ad to do it.
84
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:37,080
She were a rare handful,
were Gloria.
85
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:52,439
He's gone to wash his hands.
86
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:56,200
Anybody else walking first
into a pub would go up to the bar and get 'em in.
87
00:05:56,420 --> 00:06:00,699
He goes to wash his hands.
Three pints, please, guv.
88
00:06:00,700 --> 00:06:03,259
You've got to remember
that he's trained
89
00:06:03,260 --> 00:06:06,880
until he's in the peak of condition
for washing his hands.
90
00:06:07,860 --> 00:06:10,519
He's, er...
91
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:14,040
He's probably a black belt...
at washing his hands.
92
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,459
One of the few Europeans...
93
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,299
to have perfected the art...
94
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:22,280
outside of Japan.
95
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,739
Look, why don't
I get this round in, eh?
96
00:06:27,740 --> 00:06:29,600
Oh, 'eck, I never thought you'd ask.
97
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:32,879
Hey, Norm!
98
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,680
That's Ludovic.
99
00:06:36,860 --> 00:06:38,419
How's tha keepin', Ludovic?
100
00:06:38,420 --> 00:06:42,760
It is... It's Ludovic.
I thought I recognised the laugh.
101
00:06:45,620 --> 00:06:47,759
Yer come to these out-of-the-way
places
102
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,759
where you feel sure
you'll not see anyone you know.
103
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:53,799
Listen, Ludovic, if tha's doing
a bit on the side,
104
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:56,560
if tha's seeing a bird,
we'll not say a word.
105
00:07:00,580 --> 00:07:01,779
Ta.
106
00:07:01,780 --> 00:07:03,759
That's what mates are for.
107
00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:07,879
I'm not with a woman, or meeting
one, I've never had another woman.
108
00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:10,439
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Ludovic.
109
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:15,080
No need to feel sorry, just make
it clear to your audience.
110
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:21,240
Ah! It's all right, he's not seeing
another woman, carry on drinking.
111
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:25,620
I wish it were that simple.
112
00:07:28,300 --> 00:07:32,459
Oh, you got them in?
I was going to get them in after I'd washed my hands.
113
00:07:32,460 --> 00:07:33,679
Oh, dear!
114
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,279
Isn't it marvellous
how he knows when he's safe?
115
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:40,739
He's out of the shelter faster
than when they sound the All Clear.
116
00:07:40,740 --> 00:07:44,259
Hey. Who does that remind you of?
117
00:07:44,260 --> 00:07:46,160
Einstein? Eh? No?
118
00:07:47,180 --> 00:07:49,419
Go on, who does he remind you of?
119
00:07:49,420 --> 00:07:53,179
Ludovic, he looks just like him.
You remember Ludovic.
120
00:07:53,180 --> 00:07:55,560
It IS Luduvic, you daft pillock.
121
00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:01,939
Is it? Oh, well, I didn't know that,
did I? It's ages since I saw him.
122
00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,199
Anyway, he's changed.
123
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:07,879
Look, if tha knows it's Ludovic,
how could he have changed?
124
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,520
Well, I don't know really,
he looks more...
125
00:08:11,540 --> 00:08:12,679
Miserable?
126
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:17,659
Yes. Well, it's not like Ludovic.
He was always such a...
127
00:08:17,660 --> 00:08:20,480
Twit? Aside from that.
128
00:08:21,660 --> 00:08:23,679
I wonder what his trouble is?
129
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:25,459
It's none of our business, is it?
130
00:08:25,460 --> 00:08:27,759
True. Absolutely.
131
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:31,679
I mean... it's not for us
to go poking our noses
132
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:34,239
into a fellow's private affairs.
133
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:35,640
No, no.
134
00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,959
What's wrong? What's the matter?
What's up?
135
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,659
Come on, man, get if off your chest.
136
00:08:43,660 --> 00:08:45,239
Ay, tha'll feel better for it.
137
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:46,959
I don't want to talk about it.
138
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,739
Of course you want to talk
about it.
139
00:08:49,740 --> 00:08:53,179
No, I DON'T want to talk about it.
140
00:08:53,180 --> 00:08:55,519
Tell us and WE'LL talk about it.
141
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:59,819
Don't take any notice of that,
it's just his warped sense of fun.
142
00:08:59,820 --> 00:09:03,960
Can't you see the man's tormented?
He wants a sympathetic ear.
143
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:08,899
He wants the wisdom and experience
of the combat soldier.
144
00:09:08,900 --> 00:09:12,879
Now, Ludovic, you're not alone.
145
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:16,379
Former Corporal Dewhirst
is at your service.
146
00:09:16,380 --> 00:09:18,040
Bog off, Foggy!
147
00:09:19,940 --> 00:09:22,280
He's got thee weighed up, Elsie!
148
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:25,319
The man has no sense of style.
149
00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:28,879
Ahh... don't feel rejected Foggy,
we'll stick by you.
150
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,720
And tell him why we'll stick by him.
151
00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:34,000
'Cos it's his round next.
152
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:37,100
Y'know...
153
00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:40,439
Y'know... I can't forget
Raymond Holcroft.
154
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,659
He had a look just like that
155
00:09:42,660 --> 00:09:46,159
the night before he went and did
something desperate. How desperate?
156
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:49,519
He bought a boarding house
in Mablethorpe.
157
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:50,659
Poor devil!
158
00:09:50,660 --> 00:09:52,059
Ugh!
159
00:09:52,060 --> 00:09:54,699
Cor, couldn't somebody tell him?
160
00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:55,939
People tried.
161
00:09:55,940 --> 00:09:58,579
You can't watch 'em 24 hours a day.
162
00:09:58,580 --> 00:10:01,000
That's terrible, I'nt it?
163
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,119
Ludovic, if it's a boarding house,
don't do it.
164
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:09,859
You what? More people have come
unstuck buying boarding houses...
165
00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:11,459
Oh, leave me alone.
166
00:10:11,460 --> 00:10:16,579
It may look like an easy way out,
but think of your relatives.
167
00:10:16,580 --> 00:10:17,819
Me relatives?
168
00:10:17,820 --> 00:10:22,319
They'll all be coming round, every
summer, expecting free holidays.
169
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,759
Think of it, your relatives
dropping in for a whole week.
170
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:30,760
Ludovic, before tha buys a
boarding house, ring the Samaritans.
171
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:36,859
I don't want a flaming boarding
house, what would I do with it?
172
00:10:36,860 --> 00:10:38,640
I've got enough problems as it is.
173
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,859
Eh... you ain't got a bird
in the family way, have yer?
174
00:10:42,860 --> 00:10:43,979
No, I 'aven't.
175
00:10:43,980 --> 00:10:46,139
Well, it's a start! Oops...
176
00:10:46,140 --> 00:10:47,320
The man's drunk.
177
00:10:47,620 --> 00:10:49,159
Only from the waist down.
178
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,579
How dare you say I'm drunk?
179
00:10:51,580 --> 00:10:53,099
Steady, steady.
180
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:55,519
He's had too many too fast,
that's his trouble.
181
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,720
If thee 'ad been buying 'em,
that would have slowed 'im up.
182
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:01,619
Just keep him upright.
183
00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:04,179
You go out for a quiet drink
184
00:11:04,180 --> 00:11:07,779
and the next thing you know,
you're struck by a falling Ludovic.
185
00:11:07,780 --> 00:11:11,299
Me legs! I can't feel me legs...
186
00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:13,299
Don't panic, they're still there.
187
00:11:13,300 --> 00:11:15,419
Are you sure? 'Ave you counted them?
188
00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:17,439
'Ow many is there supposed to be?
189
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:20,380
Stop asking tricky questions.
190
00:11:24,740 --> 00:11:27,239
Here you go, boy, here you go...
191
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:30,160
Come on, then,
have you got yourself up?
192
00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:32,519
Take it easy.
193
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:36,299
I'm all right. I'm all right,
let go, I'm all right now. What?
194
00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:37,979
Are you sure?
195
00:11:37,980 --> 00:11:39,500
I'm sure I'm sure.
196
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:54,920
All right, all right.
Anybody can make a mistake.
197
00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:57,600
Sit him on the wall.
198
00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:02,899
This'll do. Turn him round.
199
00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:05,160
Come on... that's it.
200
00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:14,640
All right, then, come on.
I'll buy you the other half.
201
00:12:20,780 --> 00:12:22,440
The other half?
202
00:12:28,620 --> 00:12:29,719
Oh, dear!
203
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:31,080
Come on!
204
00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:35,600
Is it Wednesday? Does it matter?
205
00:12:39,420 --> 00:12:41,560
A-a-a-agh... Come on, then.
206
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:47,880
Up... up... Oh, he's heavy!
I never liked Wednesdays.
207
00:12:49,780 --> 00:12:52,200
I found a fungus on me dahlias...
208
00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:54,999
That was on a Wednesday!
209
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:59,340
We've got to slide him across
so that he's resting on his head.
210
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:03,580
You make it sound REALLY peaceful,
Foggy... resting on his head!
211
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:07,699
What he means is, shove him over
till his face is on the floor!
212
00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:09,640
Just do it!
213
00:13:17,420 --> 00:13:23,379
Last time I had a nose bleed...
that was on a Wednesday!
214
00:13:23,380 --> 00:13:29,199
Now we've got to twist him over
till his back's against the wall instead of his stomach.
215
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:32,960
How are you doing?
Never mind, just get on with it!
216
00:13:39,580 --> 00:13:44,119
I bet it's a Wednesday.
Just leave him there a minute.
217
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,559
Tha can't leave him like that!
218
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:50,139
Look, blood flowing to his head,
oxygen flowing to his brain...
219
00:13:50,140 --> 00:13:53,459
I know what I'm doing.
We all know what tha's doing.
220
00:13:53,460 --> 00:13:54,659
Tha's killing him.
221
00:13:54,660 --> 00:13:57,019
He's perfectly all right. Ask him.
222
00:13:57,020 --> 00:13:59,199
Shall I ask him, Norm?
223
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:03,499
It's always been a rule of mine
never to speak to inverted drunks.
224
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:06,279
He'll not be inverted long,
take his arms.
225
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,640
Take his arm, Norm,
the Fuehrer has spoken.
226
00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:16,319
I'm not going home.
227
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:21,620
Now, lift him up. Gently, gently.
You can't make me go home!
228
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:27,780
It's simple, you see!
229
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:32,219
Now, he's back seated comfortably
on the wall. Aye...
230
00:14:32,220 --> 00:14:36,560
Facing the WRONG way!
What does it matter which way?
231
00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:44,119
Every man's... got a right...
232
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:46,460
not to go home...
233
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:51,839
..and I'll fight... any man...
who says...
234
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,820
I HAVE to go home!
235
00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:00,919
I can't go home, I can't go home.
236
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:03,279
Not after what I've done,
I can't go home!
237
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:06,559
Whatever it is, she'll forgive you.
She'll kill me!
238
00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:10,879
Hey, Ludovic... if tha's not going
home, where's tha going to go to?
239
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,339
Anywhere...
240
00:15:12,340 --> 00:15:16,219
Mebbe...
I could lumberjack in Canada.
241
00:15:16,220 --> 00:15:17,960
Good idea, Ludovic.
242
00:15:18,060 --> 00:15:20,759
It'll make a change from
being a bingo caller.
243
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:24,279
I could learn, I could learn,
and with a voice like mine,
244
00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:28,560
think how I could shout...
T-I-I-I-MBER!
245
00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:37,459
It's the humiliation I can't face.
246
00:15:37,460 --> 00:15:41,459
With a voice like that, you don't
'ave to be scared 'bout goin' home.
247
00:15:41,460 --> 00:15:44,539
Ha-ha! You could go anywhere
wi' that voice like that!
248
00:15:44,540 --> 00:15:47,060
Hah! You think you're humiliated?
249
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:52,519
Imagine having to drive about
in this moth-eaten contraption.
250
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:57,099
How do you think the owner of
this scrap heap must feel? Ha-ha!
251
00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:59,799
I AM the owner, you fool!
252
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:04,519
Why do you think I feel HUMILIATED?
Get off! Stop it! Get off!
253
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:08,499
Like your van, Ludovic.
It's a nice one, Ludovic.
254
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:11,100
Get him off me, get him off!
255
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,519
I'll be a laughing stock!
256
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:21,139
People will come for miles around
to laugh at me vehicle!
257
00:16:21,140 --> 00:16:24,320
He let go just in time, you know.
258
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:29,459
Another few seconds and I would've
had to start retaliating.
259
00:16:29,460 --> 00:16:34,159
Just look at him, unaware of what
a narrow squeak he's just had.
260
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:39,020
That's true, Norm, he's unaware of
of the narrow squeak he's just had.
261
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:45,719
It takes years of training to
remain passive under provocation.
262
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:50,879
Unless you marry a Yorkshire woman,
then it can happen overnight!
263
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,519
I've sworn an oath, you see,
264
00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:58,479
never to employ THIS
merely for personal gain.
265
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:02,819
In the finest Bushido traditions,
we lower his temperature a bit.
266
00:17:02,820 --> 00:17:04,359
Leave it with me.
267
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:08,219
Now is the time for the
Arts of Harmonious Co-existence.
268
00:17:08,220 --> 00:17:10,440
WHY?
269
00:17:11,660 --> 00:17:14,299
Why did it 'ave to 'appen to me?
270
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:17,899
I'd no intention of buying
ANY such vehicle.
271
00:17:17,900 --> 00:17:22,119
I was just passing
a second-hand car showrooms.
272
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:25,159
"Come in and 'ave a drink,"
they said.
273
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:31,160
Calm yourself, Ludovic...
begin with DEEP breaths.
274
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:36,540
Bog off with your deep breaths!
275
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,799
Yes, this could be difficult.
276
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:44,160
Now, if you see me adopting
one of the killing postures...
277
00:17:48,260 --> 00:17:50,019
..try to restrain me.
278
00:17:50,020 --> 00:17:53,999
Oh, LOOK at it! Look at it!
279
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,519
Ludovic, on thy way to being
a lumberjack in Canada...
280
00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,939
could thou drop us off at
the Post Office? You'd ride...
281
00:18:00,940 --> 00:18:03,739
with me... in THIS?
282
00:18:03,740 --> 00:18:06,520
Why not? It's better'n walking.
283
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:13,400
I'll not forget this!
My feelings exactly.
284
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:20,819
Who's driving? I'M drivin'!
285
00:18:20,820 --> 00:18:23,999
You can't walk!
He doesn't have to, he's driving.
286
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,559
He's not driving ME!
287
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:32,879
I knew it! You're ashamed of it!
You're ashamed to be seen in it!
288
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:36,179
No, it's not that.
Be honest, it's partly that.
289
00:18:36,180 --> 00:18:38,699
I'm not ashamed to be seen in it.
290
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,959
I can understand that.
291
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:44,320
The reason we won't drive
with you is because you're...
292
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:50,959
Well, how shall I put this?
..smashed out of your tiny mind.
293
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:54,240
But to prove we're not ashamed
to be seen in this... er...
294
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:58,519
..vehicle, until you're sober,
Clegg will drive.
295
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:02,799
Me? Only you have a licence.
Oh, that's a wicked thing to say!
296
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:07,419
Can he drive this sort of thing?
Go on, tell him the truth.
297
00:19:07,420 --> 00:19:10,060
Yes, of course he can drive
this sort of thing!
298
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:19,920
I can't even open the door!
You have to LIFT it off.
299
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,599
They're sealing me in.
300
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:37,060
In emergencies, you can
escape by the other door.
301
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:40,840
No?
302
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:47,579
The window... almost any window.
303
00:19:47,580 --> 00:19:51,880
What emergencies?
Don't worry about that.
304
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:57,080
Hey, if you can't open the
other door, how do WE get in?
305
00:20:00,020 --> 00:20:02,880
By 'eck, this is better
than walking.
306
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:10,980
He's all legs...
I've never seen such legs!
307
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:15,220
They just keep comin'!
Careful what you're pulling!
308
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,120
That's no place to handle
a trained soldier!
309
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:34,339
You're going too fast!
310
00:20:34,340 --> 00:20:36,799
I'm only in third gear!
311
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:41,619
You sly little beggar! Who told you
to move out of second?
312
00:20:41,620 --> 00:20:47,040
I can't stay in second gear!
You know I like second!
313
00:20:51,860 --> 00:20:54,439
Well, come along that, man,
get it started.
314
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:57,439
I knew he'd get me
to do something tricky.
315
00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:01,300
Just turn the key! What's he doing?
What's he doing? He's starting it!
316
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:11,000
You see, the engine's sweet enough.
It's just the body's a bit rough.
317
00:21:12,420 --> 00:21:14,199
What's tha looking at me for?
318
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:17,739
Why's he lookin' at me when
he says the body's a bit rough?
319
00:21:17,740 --> 00:21:20,260
I don't find that unreasonable.
320
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:26,299
We can't go now.
Someone's shooting at us!
321
00:21:26,300 --> 00:21:29,039
It's just a little exhaust gas.
322
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:34,259
Come back, that man! It'll stop
banging as soon as you speed up!
323
00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:37,479
Speed?! Nobody said
anything about SPEED!
324
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:40,760
Just put it into gear
and let's go!
325
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,399
Oooh! I once had a boil
in a place like that!
326
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:55,039
I don't like to be nosey...
but has he driven before?
327
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:59,919
Of course he's driven before!
He's just a bit rusty.
328
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,640
It'll soon come back to him.
329
00:22:18,460 --> 00:22:22,319
Look at the view!
I've looked at the view!
330
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:26,539
We've come all this way to look
at the view, now LOOK AT THE VIEW!
331
00:22:26,540 --> 00:22:29,680
Look... I'm looking at the view!
332
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:48,560
Well, come on, put your foot down,
open it up a bit!
333
00:22:57,620 --> 00:23:00,619
Is that OPEN enough for you?
334
00:23:00,620 --> 00:23:02,579
Me door! Me door!
335
00:23:02,580 --> 00:23:05,659
Well, all right, we'll pick it up
on the way back.
336
00:23:05,660 --> 00:23:08,100
We can't stop, we've only
just got him started.
337
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:13,919
Is tha going to let this bloke by?
Bloke? What bloke?
338
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,100
I can't see any vehicle.
339
00:23:16,380 --> 00:23:19,700
Oh, he's not in a vehicle,
he's on foot. Hee-hee!
340
00:23:21,180 --> 00:23:24,719
Suppose somebody...
nicks me door?!
341
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:26,899
It's hardly likely, is it?
342
00:23:26,900 --> 00:23:30,579
It's the kind of ratty old door
that people could resist.
343
00:23:30,580 --> 00:23:33,339
You miss it, though, don't you?
344
00:23:33,340 --> 00:23:35,319
I can vouch for that!
345
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:39,919
We'll go on at this exhilarating
speed for a time, then turn round.
346
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:43,259
Turn round, you mean
I've got to turn round?
347
00:23:43,260 --> 00:23:45,599
Good heavens, now what's wrong?
348
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:50,179
It's just the sneaky way
you spring things on people!
349
00:23:50,180 --> 00:23:55,080
Just drive it, you said, nobody
said anything about turning round.
350
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:05,339
Hey, Ludovic, you'd better
get this thing fixed. It moves!
351
00:24:05,340 --> 00:24:10,079
It's supposed to move!
You release this catch here
352
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:13,719
and this lot SPRINGS down
353
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:17,699
and divides the cab in two
for privacy!
354
00:24:17,700 --> 00:24:20,239
It's very ingenious, is this.
355
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:25,679
It's one of the factors which first
predisposed me towards this vehicle.
356
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:29,239
I bet it don't work!
He could be right.
357
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:33,079
He's a world-class expert
when it comes to not working.
358
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:37,179
Bet it does work, this vehicle
isn't all rubbish, you know!
359
00:24:37,180 --> 00:24:39,439
I'm not a COMPLETE fool!
360
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:43,879
With a bit more practice, though,
Ludovic, you'll be there in no time.
361
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:48,820
Hee-hee! Just mind yer 'ead,
Clever Dick, and we'll have a try!
362
00:24:49,980 --> 00:24:55,280
If we do it now, won't it clout us?
Not if you get low enough down.
363
00:24:57,900 --> 00:25:00,460
Where are you going?
Just a minute.
364
00:25:01,420 --> 00:25:04,739
Well, I don't mind people
wincing at me drivin',
365
00:25:04,740 --> 00:25:08,799
but hiding out of sight
strikes me as tactless.
366
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,020
Right-o, Ludovic, let her go!
367
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:15,400
Agh!
368
00:25:17,620 --> 00:25:21,659
Oh... Well done, Ludovic.
I told you, I told you!
369
00:25:21,660 --> 00:25:24,720
Ay... spot on, Ludo! Ha-ha!
370
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:44,640
An ejector seat... in a van!
Well, that's a novelty.
371
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:50,679
It's one of the more attractive
features of the vehicle.
372
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:53,420
It makes you feel
completely self-contained.
373
00:25:57,300 --> 00:25:59,899
HE SIGHS
374
00:25:59,900 --> 00:26:02,679
Listen at you, you bored already?!
375
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:06,919
You are, admit it!
You're bored already!
376
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:12,160
I wouldn't say bored.
Not exactly bored.
377
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:17,439
Unless it's a pint, or a pigeon,
you've no interest in anything!
378
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:22,740
If it hasn't got froth or feathers,
you just don't want to know!
379
00:26:35,300 --> 00:26:37,740
Have you seen a van?
380
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,859
But who's driving it?!
381
00:26:42,860 --> 00:26:45,000
I am.
382
00:26:48,580 --> 00:26:51,780
It works like a charm, Ludovic!
383
00:26:53,660 --> 00:26:58,440
Yes... it's most impressive.
And solid too. Well, fairly solid.
384
00:26:59,540 --> 00:27:01,119
You all right in there, Clegg?
385
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:04,500
You're going faster now,
I said you'd get the hang of it.
386
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:11,819
Hey, Norm, there's some idiot
on a motorbike trying to pass us!
387
00:27:11,820 --> 00:27:13,860
Ignore him, Clegg, pay no attention.
388
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:19,959
My God! Clegg...
389
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:22,200
There's your double riding pillion!
390
00:27:23,900 --> 00:27:28,260
It's Nora - she's waving!
Hee-hee! How do, Nora?!
391
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,540
It's quite amazing how much
that looks like Clegg.
392
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:47,919
Norm... Norm...
Say something, Norm.
393
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:50,560
NORM! NORM!
394
00:27:51,660 --> 00:27:54,700
If he's not there... WHO is?
395
00:27:56,920 --> 00:28:00,300
Get back in, come on,
get back in, come closer!
396
00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:10,620
Oh, Norm! Where are you, Norm?!
397
00:28:25,540 --> 00:28:29,899
Come back! Stop! Come back!
398
00:28:29,900 --> 00:28:36,100
Stop, stop, will you stop,
you stupid men?! Stop!
399
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:42,619
What are they doing in there?
Ah, ah, ah...
400
00:28:42,620 --> 00:28:45,040
Stop! Oh, really!
401
00:28:45,090 --> 00:28:49,640
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