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1
00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:39,508
I'm entitled this one day of the year
to expect you to show some interest
2
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,631
in the house
instead of your pigeon shed,
3
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:44,832
so by the time my family get here,
I want you to be...
4
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:49,750
I want you to be smartened up with your
shoes clean and a smile on your face.
5
00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:51,916
Merry Christmas, Compo!
6
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:53,359
Oh, come on!
7
00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:58,395
Make yourself pleasant to people.It's not
their fault they haven't got feathers.
8
00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:02,190
Happy Christmas, Wally.
9
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:10,350
..and all you can think about is your
pigeons. Fancy going out in your pyjamas!
10
00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:12,835
What will the neighbours say?
11
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:18,318
I've had enough.I'm working hard and
all you can think about is your pigeons.
12
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:30,958
Merry Christmas, kid!
13
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,233
Pissing Christmas.
14
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:38,558
That's a nice load of language
for a Christmas morning.
15
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:43,037
- I hurt my ankle. It's gone blue.
- Aye, so's your language.
16
00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:46,828
- Hey, is that a Christmas present?
- Aye.
17
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,520
Oh, I got a digital watch.
18
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:54,316
You can't see it in the daylight,
only when it's dark.
19
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:57,273
Just sit up on that wall.
Rest your leg. That's it.
20
00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:59,356
I'll hold that for you.
21
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,476
Cor!
22
00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:06,592
'Ey-up!
23
00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:12,832
- And a merry Christmas, vicar.
- Bless you. Bless you, my boy.
24
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:16,748
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
25
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:20,395
- (vicar) Morning, Mrs Roberts.
- It was a lovely service...
26
00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:22,431
Oooh!
27
00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:26,039
Oh, I...
28
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:29,550
I beg your pardon. See, I was putting
a glove on, you see, and I...
29
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:32,717
Th-the stick was getting in the way
and... fumbling...
30
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:36,355
I thought it would be better
if I put it under me arm...
31
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:41,194
And a happy New Year.
32
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:43,072
(mouths)
33
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,156
Ooh!
34
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,116
I'll get the idea.
35
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,550
(ringing tone)
36
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:23,549
- (man) Hello, are you t'fire brigade?
- Hello, it's Norman. Norman Clegg.
37
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:28,549
Hello? Hello! If you're t'fire brigade,
come quick, me shed's on fire!
38
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:35,392
- Is that you, Gordon? It's Norman Clegg.
- Red button, you fool! Put your money in.
39
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,830
I'll be with you in a minute, woman.
There's some fool on t'phone.
40
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,757
- Who are you?
- Is that you, Gordon?
41
00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:44,714
- (phone beeps)
- It might be t'fire brigade.
42
00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:48,196
- Hello! Are you the fire brigade?
- It's me, Gordon.
43
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:52,791
- Where's your engine? Send your engine!
- I can't get the money in.
44
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,434
For God's sake, woman,
get a bigger bucket!
45
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:59,314
- Hello! It's not the fire brigade, Gordon.
- Then where are they?
46
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:03,274
- It's Norman. Norman Clegg.
- Oh, for God's sake, Clegg!
47
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,834
What are you ringing me now for?
Me shed's on fire!
48
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,552
I just rang you to wish you...
49
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:10,956
There's Vera's bike in there,
and me lawnmower!
50
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:15,278
- ..a merry Christmas, Gordon.
- (hangs up)
51
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,356
Gordon?
52
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,154
(? band plays ''Jingle Bells'' on TV)
53
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:30,917
(groans)
54
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,316
Ooh!
55
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,436
(carol music)
56
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:47,552
- (brass band carol music)
- Oh, 'eck!
57
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,717
Why don't we open the presents?
58
00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:03,278
? God rest ye merry gentlemen...
59
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:21,274
Christmas comes but once a year.
lt just seems longer.
60
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:27,757
I'm used to spending it in the army.
Christmas in khaki, nothing to beat it.
61
00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,758
- The thing about Christmas...
- The army does them better.
62
00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:33,599
..it seems such a long time coming.
63
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:38,874
Before the leaves have fallen these days,
they've started advertising British sherry.
64
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,197
No one quite captures the spirit
of Christmas like the military.
65
00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:45,551
And it no sooner gets here
than it seems to go on forever.
66
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:49,070
lt was at least a fortnight last year.
67
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,998
lt worries me
the Russians don't have it, you know.
68
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:57,513
There you are, you see. If you look close
enough, there's some good in everybody.
69
00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:02,760
No, God is the sort of self-employed
person they won't tolerate.
70
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:07,078
But what will happen when they wake up
to the fact that every year at Christmas
71
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,510
England is more or less
closed for a fortnight?
72
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:16,355
- You think they might...
- Well, of course they might.
73
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,755
- They'd never get in.
- What's to stop them?
74
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:22,111
On a bank holiday?
There'd be a strike at every airport.
75
00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:26,028
Nobody in his right mind plans
any travelling during a bank holiday.
76
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:31,719
- What time's dinner?
- Lunch. Dinner is at night.
77
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,638
Oh, we have two dinners
at Christmas?
78
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:39,436
- We haven't got it in the oven yet.
- Oh, 'eck.
79
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,471
Look at him, Norm.
He's army-mad.
80
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:45,912
Look at the way he's bayoneting
them poor little defenceless sausages.
81
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,554
- En garde! En garde!
- Stop. Stop that!
82
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,240
There is nothing to stop you
lending a hand,
83
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:55,592
provided you have washed it
since you last handled a ferret.
84
00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:58,109
- These are for eating?
- Yes, but not by you.
85
00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:01,676
These are savoury snacks
for any visitors who might pop in.
86
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,155
Well, I'm a visitor,
and I've popped in.
87
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:05,998
You did not pop in.
88
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:09,510
You came in, dragging your feet
like a small tip, subsiding.
89
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,074
Yeah, you should talk about small tips.
90
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,237
You have a word with that waiter
down at the Chinese chippy.
91
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,316
Hello, what's this?
92
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:19,715
- No!
- Stop that!
93
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,673
I'm making a cocktail!
94
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:28,309
Anyway, Noddy, who do you think's
gonna visit us at Christmas?
95
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:31,159
Well, I can't forecast that exactly.
96
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:33,953
What do you want,
a star above the chimney?
97
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,958
Nobody is going to be visiting us.
Nobody.
98
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:41,358
We're gonna be stuck here like
three muffins, looking at each other.
99
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:44,950
You can't rely on not having callers
at this time of the year.
100
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:50,871
At this very hour the world is full of people
stuffed to the gills with goodwill,
101
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:54,276
just bursting to inflict it on somebody.
102
00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:58,871
Think of it. I mean, all this evening there's
going to be ordinary, decent little families
103
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,956
tucked up round their tellies,
104
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:04,038
and then comes this
heart-stopping ringing at the doorbell.
105
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,515
And we all know
who's gonna be on the doorstep.
106
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:10,519
Some idiot they'd rather do without,
wearing a big, boozy grin.
107
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:15,869
Nobody's going to be visiting us.
108
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:20,869
The last visitor I had were a bloke
from the gas board, looking for a leak.
109
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:26,028
I can quite understand how he'd mistake
your place for a public convenience.
110
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,550
lt were him from Hazlitt Street, stupid.
111
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:34,434
You know,
married the eldest Badwood lass.
112
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:39,634
You'd think with a choice like that
they'd never let him look for anything.
113
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,596
(whispers)
Why don't we open the presents?
114
00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:49,757
We are not opening the presents.
115
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,633
No, we'll open them later on,
after dinner... lunch...
116
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,830
when we're all
still at the festive board.
117
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:58,350
Well, I'm festering bored already.
118
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:02,917
How do you think I feel? I gave up
smoking so that I'd live longer.
119
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,874
lt's at times like this you wonder
if you're doing the right thing.
120
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,831
- I've got an idea!
- What?
121
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:12,157
- No, it doesn't matter.
- Oh, come on, come on!
122
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,151
Why don't we open the presents?
123
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:18,919
Will you shut up about the presents?
124
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:22,555
Look, we've done the vegetables.
We'll leave the turkey on a low gas...
125
00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:25,956
- Chicken.
- Oh. Oh, well, whatever it is.
126
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,913
We'll leave it on a low gas
and we'll go out for an hour.
127
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:32,669
lf nobody's going to visit us,
we'll go out and visit somebody.
128
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:36,634
Serve them damn well right.
Why should they be enjoying themselves?
129
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,479
- Visit who?
- Old Edgar.
130
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:43,639
ln hospital, lying on his bed of pain
on Christmas Day.
131
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:47,389
You mean we're going to visit the hospital
on Christmas Day?!
132
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:49,750
- We are.
- By 'eck!
133
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,440
This is gonna be
a Christmas to remember.
134
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:56,997
- Something to tell my grandchildren.
- You haven't got any grandchildren.
135
00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:01,159
You haven't even got any children,
for which, on behalf of British genetics,
136
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:04,989
I'd like to offer you
your country's deepest appreciation.
137
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,837
I've not met the right bird yet.
138
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,599
How about the one that
looked like Mussolini?
139
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:16,952
- Hilda?
- That's right, Hilda Mussolini.
140
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:22,552
Christmas is magic when you're a kid.
Grown-ups never get any fun presents.
141
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:26,229
You could say that here, but I wouldn't
in front of her from the cleaners.
142
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:29,113
I saw her last week
sneaking into Mothercare.
143
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:32,869
He's only fishing to try to find out
what we've bought him.
144
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:37,869
- I bet it isn't a skateboard.
- A skateboard? Of course it's not!
145
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:41,276
What next? Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not spending that much on him.
146
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:46,394
You're honest. I'd have pretended I wasn't
buying him one for safety reasons.
147
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:49,478
No, no, no.
They're unbreakable, that kind, you know.
148
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:53,388
lf there was a gigantic earthquake,
he'd come whistling out of the rubble
149
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,557
with scarcely a scratch on his welly.
150
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,477
Norm, do you think I'm a failure?
151
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:07,310
- Only if you judge by appearances.
- That's true.
152
00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:12,070
For some it would be enough to recognise
that you have a tiny forehead and low IQ.
153
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:16,512
- It would. It would!
- They wouldn't recognise that underneath
154
00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:20,599
you could be showing things
like an aptitude for raggy vests.
155
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,119
Oop. Sorry.
156
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:26,552
The guiding light for you of the feckless
poor to adopt is ''leave it to Foggy''.
157
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,069
''Foggy will steer you right.''
158
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:34,228
I'm taking you to the hospital, not merely
to bring a little light into Edgar's life,
159
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:40,196
but to try to raise your very depressed
attitude to the festive season.
160
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:49,871
Yes, well, I want you to note those
poor devils incarcerated in those wards,
161
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:53,959
and then perhaps you will start
to count your own blessings.
162
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,753
Best Christmas I've ever had.
163
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:12,751
To be quite honest,
the only boring bit is visiting time.
164
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:17,509
You're right there, Edgar.
lt's boring me.
165
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:21,074
- He doesn't mean it, Edgar.
- Oh, yes, I do.
166
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,033
Oh, yes, he does.
Look at his face.
167
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:28,312
lt's bad enough having to look at you
without looking at his face.
168
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,829
Norman... happy yuletide!
169
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:35,148
Will you remember where you are?
170
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:39,239
lt's not advisable for anyone who
looks like you to get stroppy in here.
171
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,272
They cut out and throw away
better-looking bits than you.
172
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:43,958
Get stuffed!
173
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:47,834
Keep your voice down, will you?
People are looking.
174
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:52,670
People will think you're on parole from an
institution. We don't want to start a panic.
175
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:56,349
- Hey, Edgar, do you like my new watch?
- Eh?
176
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:59,278
lt tells you the time
in little red numbers.
177
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:04,349
You see it better in the dark.
Here, under the bed. Come down.
178
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,152
Come on, come on.
179
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:11,434
Will you look at him? It's not only water
that keeps finding its own natural level.
180
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:15,235
- Can we give him away for Christmas?
- We should have got him a skateboard.
181
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:18,591
Oh, Lord, can you imagine it?
Robinson Crusoe on wheels.
182
00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:20,676
Aaaaagh!
183
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,669
Come out, come out of there!
184
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,872
I'm sorry. I beg your pardon.
185
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:32,552
- Will you behave yourself?
- Hey, you can see it better under there!
186
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,914
Really, how dare you? Stop it!
187
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:38,958
Oh, well.
188
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:40,798
(whistles)
189
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:44,196
Well, you're doing
remarkably well, Edgar.
190
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,597
- What? Eh?
- You're doing remarkably well, Edgar.
191
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:54,030
Oh, they're fabulous in here.
They can't do enough for you.
192
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:57,072
Well, you're a good colour.
lsn't he a good colour?
193
00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:00,510
What flaming colour
do you expect him to be?
194
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,679
'Ey, they're marvellous.
They're even gonna change me glasses.
195
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,234
What they gonna give you for 'em?
196
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:10,670
Another pair of glasses,
you dozy beggar.
197
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:15,669
But you've already had them. Why don't
you ask them for an X-ray machine?
198
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:18,678
I'll tell you what.
A year's supply of bandages.
199
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:23,430
- When are you going home, Edgar?
- Oh, I'm not ready for that yet.
200
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:29,634
Hey, what have you heard?
Who's been talking?
201
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:31,876
They're not sending me home,
are they?
202
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:36,039
- Have you seen me scar?
- I'd rather have a grape.
203
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:39,835
- I'd like to see your scar, Edgar.
- Sit down, I've told you before.
204
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,669
- No, let him have a look at it.
- We've the rest of the day to get through.
205
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:47,349
lt's not all going to be spent on
looking at fun things like Edgar's scar.
206
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:49,436
(whistles)
207
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:54,030
Oh, that's a terrible-looking thing.
208
00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:59,516
lt's frightening.
209
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,113
And his scar's not much prettier.
210
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,950
24 stitches.
211
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,878
- You counted them?
- Certainly, I've counted them.
212
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,515
Haven't you got a good book
you'd rather read?
213
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:29,597
(Foggy) Makes you realise
what some poor devils are doing.
214
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:34,350
(Compo) Give over!
Old Edgar's having a rave-up in there.
215
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:38,951
He's got colour television
and all the nurses he can eat.
216
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:45,552
I think 24 stitches must be a bit like having
a ferret down the front of your trousers.
217
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:47,398
What do you say, ferret-fancier?
218
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:51,513
There were that poor bloke
in the next ward supposed to be dying.
219
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:55,155
Even he was having
a better time than us.
220
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,471
Your lot come here every Christmas.
221
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,239
We turn out more damn food
than we do at the caff.
222
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,954
What's Christmas without
your family round you?
223
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,878
I don't know, but it sounds good.
224
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,309
That's right, go on.
Spoil it for everybody.
225
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:41,194
lf they have to eat this much, how come
we never see them down at the cafe?
226
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:44,392
Just be pleasant for one day in the year,
that's all I ask you.
227
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,318
- Just try and be pleasant.
- Come on, be fair.
228
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,079
Give credit where it's due.
lt's not just one day a year.
229
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:53,556
I'm expected to be pleasant
on your rotten birthday, too.
230
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,760
- Oh, ta.
- Oh, stop moaning.
231
00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:01,919
- Just what I wanted.
- How many times do you wash up?
232
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,157
Every blasted Christmas.
233
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:08,078
lt's your family we're feeding
as well as mine.
234
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,033
Well, listen.
Can't we come to some arrangement?
235
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:14,755
I'll not invite mine
if you don't invite yours.
236
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:17,394
Oh, they'll be gone after tea.
237
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,273
Then we'll have the evening to ourselves.
238
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:22,277
Oh, great.
239
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:24,068
(grunts)
240
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:30,117
- Oh, dear.
- A brandy, anyone?
241
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,117
Oh, yeah, ta.
242
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:35,198
Well, that was an excellent meal, Clegg.
Very palatable.
243
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:39,108
Well, it was just a little something
I spent hours over.
244
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:44,394
- What was that in your gravy?
- His sleeve, at one point.
245
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,636
- What kind of herb?
- That's what I thought.
246
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,832
What kind of a herb
puts his sleeve in your gravy?
247
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,916
(grunts)
248
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:58,792
- What's the matter with you two?
- Are you going to crack that nut or not?
249
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,673
Step back, it's cracking!
Get in there!
250
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,791
Why don't we open the presents?
251
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,036
I'll get 'em.
I know where they are.
252
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:07,798
How does he know where they are?
253
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:11,230
He knew where to find the sixpence
in the Christmas pudding.
254
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:14,272
These are from you
255
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,470
and these are from you
256
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:19,273
and these are from me.
257
00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:24,554
Oh. Well, that's just what we wanted,
fish and chips twice.
258
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:29,470
I hope you didn't spend a large amount of
money on wrapping paper for our benefit.
259
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:31,875
lt's what's inside that matters.
260
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:35,675
Let's see. That's to me from you,
that's to me from you. Thank you, both.
261
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:38,189
Just a minute, I...
262
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,834
Did you see the speed of that move?
263
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:43,520
His shoplifting hand
is practically supersonic.
264
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:48,316
- Yeah, I haven't done that for years.
- Really? Gone all religious? Since when?
265
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:52,831
Since the Lord appeared before him
in the shape of a huge policeman.
266
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,155
That was a case of mistaken identity.
267
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:58,556
Your mistake. You thought you were
somebody who'd get away with it.
268
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,478
''To Compo, with best wishes
269
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:08,790
for a smarter Christmas and a well
turned-out New Year, from Foggy.''
270
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:11,513
Oh.
271
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:16,555
Oh, that's...
that's very kind of you, Foggy.
272
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,668
Well, they were reduced in the sales.
273
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:23,870
Yes, I remember.
274
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,470
Well, it's very kind of you, Cleggy.
275
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,636
- They were reduced in the...
- In the sales.
276
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:36,479
'Ey-up!
Let's see what I've got in here!
277
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:39,239
''From Norm.''
278
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:42,033
Oh, it's a book.
279
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:45,072
Nobody's ever bought me
a book before.
280
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,031
Ooh, 'eck.
281
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,277
'Ey-up!
lt's a race-form book!
282
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:54,837
By 'eck! It's got all the jockeys,
all the races, all the weights.
283
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,712
Hey, Norm, this is great!
284
00:19:56,840 --> 00:20:00,674
All these years you've been throwing your
money away, horse-racing on impulse.
285
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:04,588
Now you can really study form
and throw it away scientifically.
286
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,359
I'm not sure you ought to be
encouraging him to gamble.
287
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:11,393
Well, the worst that can happen is that
he goes broke, and look at him now.
288
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:16,071
Yes, I see what you mean. If anybody's
ready for financial disaster, it's him.
289
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,158
He's been dressing the part for years.
290
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:21,669
'Ey-up, this is a bit flash.
291
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:25,598
Yes, it caught my eye in the sales.
292
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,676
I'm not surprised.
293
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:31,190
I remember thinking, ''What a bargain,
but who could wear that?''
294
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:37,156
- Then it occurred to me.
- I didn't know you had such good taste.
295
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:42,832
Cor, dear! You wait till Nora Batty
gets a close-up of me in this.
296
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,756
? (as Noel Coward) I'll see you again
297
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,838
? When our spring
breaks round again
298
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,556
Aren't you going to open mine, then?
299
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:56,797
Oh, of course we are, yes.
Silly of us.
300
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,633
You potty little herbert.
301
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,228
Fancy spending as much as this.
302
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:09,078
Well, it's Christmas, in't it?
303
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:12,272
- I don't know what to say.
- Well, that's never stopped thee.
304
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,119
I mean, I'm overwhelmed, you know.
305
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:20,234
Sort of all confused. You get a surprise
like this and you can't help thinking,
306
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:23,272
maybe he's... nicked 'em.
307
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,753
- No, I haven't!
- Of course he hasn't nicked 'em.
308
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:29,154
- Have you?
- No!
309
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,396
There you are.
Well, where did you get them?
310
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:34,910
- Nora Batty's club.
- She let you run up credit to this amount?
311
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:38,749
- She gets commission.
- She's going to earn it.
312
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:42,714
Well, listen.
That is the wisest move I ever made.
313
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:47,277
As soon as the payments are due,
she'll be following me all over the place,
314
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:49,356
especially if I'm dressed in this.
315
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:55,749
Yes, you see, you press the little button,
gently but firmly, and, er...
316
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:57,950
nothing happens.
317
00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:02,756
Yes, it does.
lt tells you the time in little red numbers.
318
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:05,636
lt's great.
319
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:08,750
lt's all right in the dark.
320
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:12,836
I'll show you.
321
00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:18,238
Well, aren't you coming down?
322
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:26,510
(Foggy) This carpet is covered
in nutshell down here.
323
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:30,599
(Compo) Stop looking at your nuts
and look at your watch.
324
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:33,712
- (Foggy and Clegg) Ahh!
- (Compo) See?
325
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:38,988
That's four teas, 1 1 coffees
and a glass of orange for Susan.
326
00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:42,430
And it's time you started being
a bit more pleasant wi' our Dudley.
327
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:46,917
- Can't stand your Dudley.
- You're going to have to stand our Dudley.
328
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,110
He hasn't come
all the way from Garstang
329
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,708
to have you not laughing
every time he tells a joke.
330
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:55,913
- He's just not funny, your Dudley.
- He makes me laugh.
331
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,918
I laughed, when he broke his leg.
332
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,757
Have you sugared any of those?
333
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:05,599
Why don't you go and sit down, Nora?
334
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:08,473
You've been on your mouth all day.
335
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,231
Your feet.
336
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:14,272
lt's no wonder they ache,
keeping an eye on you.
337
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,550
You'd be away if I didn't watch you.
338
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:18,830
I can't understand you.
339
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:23,078
I mean, it's not as if
we're not having a good time.
340
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:27,034
Why don't you go and have a sit down
again with your Clara?
341
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:32,792
There's a chance she might remember to
tell you more things about Mrs Treadgall.
342
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:36,151
- I hope you haven't been listening.
- No.
343
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:40,831
I were listening to your Dudley doing
his impressions of a set of bagpipes.
344
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:44,191
Hee hee!
He's a scream, our Dudley.
345
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:48,199
- You can't tell it's not real.
- No, you'd think he were.
346
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:50,038
A real Dudley.
347
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:56,438
The bagpipes. Don't forget to sugar those,
and a sweetener for our Clara.
348
00:23:56,560 --> 00:24:02,430
She's trying to watch her figure. Can't
understand what she wants to watch it for.
349
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,436
(cheering)
350
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,991
lt's an hour since dinner.
Will this keep them going till tea-time?
351
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:15,875
I knew you'd be miserable all day.
lt's always when you wear them trousers.
352
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,992
- Well, they're too tight.
- Listen, I got news for you.
353
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:24,274
You pay that price for a pair of trousers,
they'll fit you whether you like it or not.
354
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:28,473
- Have you got them fastened right?
- Go steady!
355
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:33,151
There's enough room in here
if you arrange yourself properly.
356
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:38,274
- They only fit if I stand like this.
- Stop fooling about, and watch that tray.
357
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:41,949
Look, what's happened to us?
ln the high summer of our lives,
358
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:45,231
the wife comes along and
runs her fingers round your trousers,
359
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:49,558
and you can't find nothing better
to think about than a flaming tray?
360
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:52,240
- I might have known you'd twist things.
- Twist things?
361
00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:57,229
That's what I've been saying all day.
ln these things, that's all I've been doing.
362
00:24:57,360 --> 00:24:59,749
All right, give me that tray.
363
00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:01,916
Put your old trousers on.
364
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,195
Not in here!
365
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:11,475
- Suppose somebody comes in.
- How long can I go without oxygen?
366
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:18,156
I like Boxing Day better,
when there's just the three of us.
367
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:20,555
You, me and the black nightie.
368
00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:25,595
Hurry up! My God, you look a picture
with your trousers down.
369
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:28,280
She's noticed, she's noticed!
370
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:34,476
Hey! Black nightie?
I haven't got a black nightie.
371
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:41,595
Happy Boxing Day, Ivy.
372
00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:44,996
Oh, get off!
373
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:58,832
Well, I'll just go and see if Sir Noel
has dashed off the third act yet.
374
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:05,913
- Where's he gone to now?
- Maybe he's looking at his watch.
375
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:11,320
No, he's not here.
376
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:13,795
Come on.
377
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:17,750
(strangled bagpipe noises)
378
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:36,388
- Ooh!
- Wally. Your nerves.
379
00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:40,274
You daft bat!
I thought you were me missus.
380
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:43,437
I know what you mean.
So you've gone AWOL as well, have you?
381
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:46,120
I couldn't stand it any longer.
382
00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:52,796
Merry Christmas, Wally.
383
00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:56,236
Merry Christmas, Sid.
384
00:26:56,360 --> 00:27:01,309
I've brought a bottle. I thought
I might have a stroll round to Cleggy's.
385
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:05,353
And I've brought a bottle. I thought
I might have a stroll round to Cleggy's.
386
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:09,598
You're absolutely right.
They've got it made - no relatives about.
387
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:12,553
They always have a better time than us.
388
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:17,517
(Compo) How many miles an hour
do you go?
389
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,790
30? Cor!
390
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:23,998
I bet you I'll be
in the world championships.
391
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:28,440
We're going to have to
buy him a skateboard.
392
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:30,278
That's ridiculous!
393
00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:34,951
I know, but... we're going
to have to buy him one anyway.
394
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:44,075
Sid, look, there's the band.
395
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:57,119
You dozy little pillock!
396
00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:00,715
'Ey-up. Here's another.
397
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:10,592
Hey, hey!
398
00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:20,470
- Happy Christmas, Wally.
- Merry Christmas, Sid.
399
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:32,837
Oh, no!
400
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:37,200
- It's the band!
- Get out the way!
401
00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:45,270
(instruments hit bum notes)
402
00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:56,751
- Merry Christmas! All the best.
- (shouting)
403
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:04,754
(Compo) 'Ey-up, them bandsmen
have a right grasp of bad language.
404
00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:09,032
(Foggy) To get the full flavour of it,
you've got to be able to read music.
405
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:12,709
(Clegg) It's marvellous, really.
You take 1 5 ordinary blokes,
406
00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:15,798
give them an instrument each,
and after hours of practice,
407
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:18,514
there they are
with no sense of humour.
408
00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:21,518
(Foggy) It's all his fault,
little potty dollop!
409
00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:25,394
(Compo) Don't be like that, Foggy!
lt's Christmas.
410
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:27,750
(glasses clink)
411
00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:30,189
(Foggy) Well, merry Christmas,
everybody.
412
00:29:30,239 --> 00:29:34,789
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