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1
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The trouble with you people is
you're not as fit as you used to be.
2
00:00:36,140 --> 00:00:39,220
I don't think I was ever
as fit as we used to be.
3
00:00:39,220 --> 00:00:41,920
I'm knackered.
4
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:45,620
Some of the polish has gone from the
top end of your performance curves.
5
00:00:45,620 --> 00:00:50,600
You mustn't go jumping to conclusions
just because we can't breathe and our legs have collapsed.
6
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:53,820
What are tha talking about?
7
00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:57,920
Tha's just as puffed as we are.
That ridiculous.
8
00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:00,540
Even puffier.
9
00:01:00,540 --> 00:01:05,700
I have always kept myself in
first class, fighting trim.
10
00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:10,340
Yes, but your trim has become
a short-back-and-sides, Foggy.
11
00:01:10,340 --> 00:01:15,060
Here, what's a scientific term
for flashes in front of the eyes?
12
00:01:15,060 --> 00:01:16,500
Indecent exposure.
13
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:22,900
Do you reckon our backyard is
big enough to keep chickens?
14
00:01:22,900 --> 00:01:24,640
What do you want to
keep chickens for?
15
00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,780
Not the ideal
place for rural pursuits, is it?
16
00:01:27,780 --> 00:01:32,160
Within splashing distance
of a Wesleyan Reform chapel. The chapel is empty.
17
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:36,940
You think it's empty.
What about all the spirits of the former worshippers?
18
00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,360
I don't believe in them.
19
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:44,260
Mrs Arthur Paget used to go there
with a grim expression.
20
00:01:44,260 --> 00:01:47,020
You can't not
believe in Mrs Arthur Paget.
21
00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:52,160
She's still alive.
22
00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:54,920
I don't believe in DEAD Methodists.
23
00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:58,720
Don't you ever give any thought to
the possibility of an afterlife?
24
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:02,700
Don't you believe in any power
greater than the chairman of your local National Assistance Board?
25
00:02:04,460 --> 00:02:08,620
When tha's dead, tha's dead.
I saw our Walter when that safe fell on him
26
00:02:08,620 --> 00:02:12,900
and if he were having any afterlife,
I can tell you he weren't enjoying it.
27
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:16,220
He hadn't had
time to open it, had he?
28
00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:19,680
He were not opening it,
he were just moving it for a friend.
29
00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:21,360
What, at 3 o'clock in the morning?
30
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:23,400
What a lovely surprise(!)
31
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,420
He were well-liked, were our Walter.
32
00:02:25,420 --> 00:02:29,920
Much sought after.
I knew several policemen who were carrying his photo.
33
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:33,160
Is that so, knacker face?
34
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:36,620
Then cast you blinkers
on this matchbox, my friend.
35
00:02:36,620 --> 00:02:39,120
Look at that.
36
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,140
Take it away. Take it away!
37
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:44,300
Have a look.
38
00:02:47,020 --> 00:02:48,560
Don't interrupt me a minute.
39
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:52,640
One of the supreme tests of
physical fitness is how long you can hold your breath.
40
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:55,240
In the days of my prime,
I could do well over a minute.
41
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,580
I was tempted to
volunteer for a frogman.
42
00:02:57,580 --> 00:02:59,840
You've got the face for it.
43
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,160
Don't let him go.
44
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,780
I used to do better than that.
45
00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:37,840
The princes in the Tower
did better than that.
46
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:44,180
You'd make a fine frogman, flapping
and barking about like that. Shut up a minute.
47
00:03:44,180 --> 00:03:46,000
What is it?
48
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,240
I can't hear my heart beating.
49
00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,880
What do you want to hear your heart
beating for? Some people like music.
50
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:54,100
I like listening to my heart beating.
51
00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:56,560
I could hear it when we arrived.
52
00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,600
Now it's stopped.
53
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,760
It can't have stopped.
54
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,680
Would you mind repeating that
with a little more conviction?
55
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:08,080
I can't bear that note
of uncertainty in your voice.
56
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,300
You can listen to mind, if you like.
57
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,660
Maybe some time
when you're not so busy.
58
00:04:12,660 --> 00:04:16,200
Oh, all right.
59
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,340
We're just a bit out of condition,
that's all.
60
00:04:18,340 --> 00:04:20,880
Give me a fortnight,
I'll soon get us back into shape.
61
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,820
Deep in thought, Miss Moody?
62
00:04:32,820 --> 00:04:34,600
Forgive me, Mr Wainwright.
63
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,360
Not at all, not at all.
We're not machines.
64
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,980
You're very understanding.
65
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:41,600
Oh, please. No, it's true.
66
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:45,580
Not everyone respects a person's need
for a moment of quiet reflection.
67
00:04:45,580 --> 00:04:48,180
A person like you, Miss Moody.
68
00:04:48,180 --> 00:04:52,040
For me, it's a need, a need that's
true. And I respect you for it.
69
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:59,240
Without it, I feel weighed
down by the terrible inertia of one's petty bourgeois environment.
70
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,000
Oh, God, I know what you mean.
71
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:05,260
Eliot's Waste Land is
depressingly real, Mr Wainwright.
72
00:05:05,260 --> 00:05:10,080
Absolutely. I can't understand
why the council doesn't stop it with a compulsory purchase.
73
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:14,280
TS Eliot, the poem, The Waste Land.
74
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,700
Oh, THAT Eliot.
75
00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:22,760
It is still possible, isn't it,
for the individual to carry within him or her
76
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:26,700
a fragment of light,
a flame of something, isn't it?
77
00:05:26,700 --> 00:05:28,980
Yes, I'm sure you're right.
78
00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:31,400
A flame of something, yes.
79
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,420
And we who have that flame...
80
00:05:36,660 --> 00:05:38,600
We who have that flame, Miss Moody?
81
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:42,180
Have a sacred duty
to forge a better society,
82
00:05:42,180 --> 00:05:46,300
where even the poorest can benefit
from the light within us.
83
00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:49,380
Exactly. Even if we've got
to get the Tories out. Right.
84
00:05:49,380 --> 00:05:53,260
And the bloody Independents, and
the Ratepayers' damned Association.
85
00:05:53,260 --> 00:05:55,460
You have a fine mind, Miss Moody.
86
00:05:55,460 --> 00:06:00,080
I think like you, Mr Wainwright.
Yes, I know you do.
87
00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:02,080
That's what first put me onto it.
88
00:06:03,660 --> 00:06:05,360
And you've got damn good legs too.
89
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,760
I like this one in particular.
90
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:17,120
Hello, hello, hello, hello. What was
he doing down there with your leg?
91
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,860
Are you two engaged?
92
00:06:19,860 --> 00:06:23,760
Hey, here, do you want to
have a look in my matchbox?
93
00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:25,260
Just have a little gander.
94
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,080
SHE SCREAMS
95
00:06:29,060 --> 00:06:30,520
Will you get in there?
96
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,540
What was in it? It was...
97
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,220
Well, it's all here.
98
00:06:42,220 --> 00:06:44,140
What's all here? Don't ask.
99
00:06:44,140 --> 00:06:48,740
Our pathway back to
physical fitness, that's what's here, in two slim volumes.
100
00:06:48,740 --> 00:06:51,560
I warned you, it's like
that moment in the film.
101
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:55,180
You know, when this nosey idiot
lifts the lid of Dracula's coffin
102
00:06:55,180 --> 00:06:59,780
and you know what you're
going to have to go through before they get it back on again.
103
00:06:59,780 --> 00:07:03,740
Oh, heck. I tell you what,
I'll strike a bargain with you.
104
00:07:03,740 --> 00:07:07,400
You put them books away and we'll
promise not to take you into a corner
105
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,140
and give you a right duffing up.
106
00:07:09,140 --> 00:07:13,360
I'll advise you not to talk like
that to a trained soldier of the Royal Army Service Corps.
107
00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:16,160
That was a right ladies' regiment.
108
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:19,660
He stands there,
fermenting in his wellies,
109
00:07:21,940 --> 00:07:28,880
covered in all the glamour of an
ex-veteran of the chemical toilet platoon of the Pioneer Corps.
110
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:30,620
A fine bunch of lads.
111
00:07:30,620 --> 00:07:35,420
Whose exploits are still shrouded
in a veil of official secrecy.
112
00:07:35,420 --> 00:07:38,720
That was it about our mob, you see.
Nobody wants to take the lid off.
113
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:44,980
I should hope not.
Duff me up, he says.
114
00:07:44,980 --> 00:07:50,280
Look at him, takes him all
his strength these days to lose money on the gee-gees.
115
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,420
You're falling to pieces, man.
116
00:07:52,420 --> 00:07:54,700
I've noticed the
process of deterioration.
117
00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:59,560
There was a time of day one when
no-one was faster than you at touching your toes.
118
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:03,080
Someone only had to drop a fag end
and you were down there that fast,
119
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,000
your spine
used to crack like a whip.
120
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,120
Look at you now.
All right, then. Try me.
121
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:10,140
Drop a fag end on that lino, try me.
122
00:08:10,140 --> 00:08:13,540
Steady, don't pull a
muscle before the big fight.
123
00:08:13,540 --> 00:08:17,900
I'll take him in the pit, that's
what I'll do. I'll take him...
124
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:22,740
It's grotesque. Grotesque.
125
00:08:22,740 --> 00:08:24,420
A left hook.
126
00:08:24,420 --> 00:08:28,100
I think you'll find
that's your right.
127
00:08:28,100 --> 00:08:30,480
Listen, I'm the greatest,
that's me left hook.
128
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,820
Stop prancing about, will you?
129
00:08:33,820 --> 00:08:38,740
Can't you sit still? I suppose he's
afraid that if he does, someone will put him out for the dust cart.
130
00:08:38,740 --> 00:08:43,080
It's hard to be graceful when
you've got your breeches tied up with a bit of old clothes line.
131
00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:45,360
New clothes line. Sorry.
132
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:47,120
Listen to him.
133
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:52,040
He's out of breath, his pulse is
racing and there are little beads of perspiration all over his epidermis.
134
00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:54,020
Don't be filthy.
135
00:08:54,020 --> 00:08:56,540
You don't even know what
your epidermis is, do you?
136
00:08:56,540 --> 00:09:00,480
Give me a clue. I told you.
137
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,900
Epidermis? Epidermis?
138
00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:10,000
My granny used to have one of them,
I think, in a plant pot in the front window. That was an aspidistra.
139
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,680
It looked like an epidermis.
140
00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:16,360
I'm talking about your skin.
It were green and shiny.
141
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:18,460
That's right, your skin.
142
00:09:18,460 --> 00:09:21,600
Watch it.
I know when I'm being insulted.
143
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:24,700
Well, you ought to, shouldn't you?
Look at the practice you've had.
144
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:27,460
I doubt if even Margot Fonteyn
herself could be graceful
145
00:09:27,460 --> 00:09:30,180
with her breeches tied up
with a bit of old clothes line.
146
00:09:30,180 --> 00:09:32,800
NEW clothes line.
147
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:36,300
Where do you keep
getting new clothes line?
148
00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:39,020
We have our sources.
149
00:09:39,020 --> 00:09:41,840
Look, read the introduction
on page nine.
150
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:44,940
No, not you. We don't want
any one fingered exercises.
151
00:09:44,940 --> 00:09:49,460
I can read. Oh, we know. The
Sporting Life and the supplementary benefit application forms.
152
00:09:49,460 --> 00:09:53,640
All good clean stuff.
You won't find any four-letter words in my reading matter.
153
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:58,600
I've only one word for you two
at the moment, isometrics.
154
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,700
That were it!
155
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:03,620
That was what my granny kept in
a plant pot in the front window.
156
00:10:03,620 --> 00:10:07,680
She used to feed it bonemeal
and used to sing to it every night.
157
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:13,180
You're the biggest isometric
in the world...
158
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:19,120
Well, I must warn you, Foggy,
that keen as I'm to have develop a body as tough as whipcord,
159
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:26,260
or even new clothes line, I should
be reluctant to start anything that might involve taking my vest off.
160
00:10:26,260 --> 00:10:28,500
You don't have to
take your vest off.
161
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:30,580
Not for isometrics.
That's the beauty of it.
162
00:10:30,580 --> 00:10:35,580
Yes, but I hope you're not spinning
us any leader-of-men type fanny,
163
00:10:35,580 --> 00:10:38,780
because you're a bit of a reckless
enthusiast sometimes, Foggy.
164
00:10:38,780 --> 00:10:41,360
You can do it all in your
plastic mac, if you like.
165
00:10:44,260 --> 00:10:47,780
Well, you say that now,
but this latest plot of yours
166
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:51,500
has this squeak of plimsolls
and the flash of nipples about it.
167
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:58,120
Or is it the flash of plimsolls and
the squeak of nipples? Anyway, it worries me. You don't trust me.
168
00:10:58,120 --> 00:10:59,780
Only because tha's crackers.
169
00:10:59,780 --> 00:11:03,100
It's nothing personal, it's
just that given the choice between
170
00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:10,720
a spotty moron and somebody who's
out to improve mankind, my heart goes out to the spotty moron every time.
171
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:14,620
Isometrics is the ideal form
of modern exercise.
172
00:11:14,620 --> 00:11:18,760
Now look, "Designed for
the busy executive at his desk.
173
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:25,860
"It can be performed
without elaborate apparatus at any odd moments of the day."
174
00:11:25,860 --> 00:11:29,620
Oh, you mean like her
at 22 Jenkinson Avenue.
175
00:11:29,620 --> 00:11:36,180
Shut up. Now, there's this one,
many others can be done without even rising from your chair.
176
00:11:36,180 --> 00:11:39,780
Oh, exercises sitting down.
177
00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:41,700
Right up your street that, isn't it?
Yep.
178
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:46,100
It's merely the scientific
application of muscle tension
179
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:49,800
to develop and restore those
tired, flagging limbs.
180
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,720
But there you go again, you see.
181
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:54,980
I have this nagging suspicion
that some of the nicest people
182
00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:58,900
in the world are among those
with tired, flagging limbs.
183
00:11:58,900 --> 00:12:03,900
Do you want to be nice
or do you want to be fit? You mustn't want to be nice.
184
00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:07,700
People who want to be nice
are pain in the...arm.
185
00:12:07,700 --> 00:12:12,700
Are we going to try these
simple exercises or are we not?
186
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:20,400
All right, all right, but let me
remind you that as my personal, humble comment upon the wildest
187
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,780
excesses of the 20th century,
188
00:12:22,780 --> 00:12:28,460
I have this ambition - that one day
there will be carved on my headstone,
189
00:12:28,460 --> 00:12:31,460
in simple Roman letters, the words:
190
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:35,560
"To his eternal credit,
he was never seen topless."
191
00:12:38,100 --> 00:12:43,720
Thank you. Here, well, exercise
three, we'll start with exercise three. We do this one sitting down.
192
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:48,820
On my word of command,
we begin to try to lift the table.
193
00:12:48,820 --> 00:12:55,020
Eh, up, this is more exciting
than knocking about with dubious women of the opposite sex.
194
00:12:55,020 --> 00:12:59,720
We shall not be able to
lift the table because it's screwed to the floor.
195
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:01,780
What? Is it? Oh, yes.
196
00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:03,880
Very firmly screwed to the floor.
197
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:07,020
That's typical of
the library committee, is that it?
198
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:12,260
We'll give the natives are a bit of
culture but we'll make sure the tables are screwed to the floor.
199
00:13:12,260 --> 00:13:17,600
Eh, up, dodgy knees. What's the
point of trying to lift the table
200
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,400
if the legs
are screwed to the floor?
201
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,460
That's the whole idea,
you grimy, silly person.
202
00:13:22,460 --> 00:13:25,160
That's the whole basis
of isometrics.
203
00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:30,780
See, you exert pressure
against an immovable object and it tones the muscles up.
204
00:13:30,780 --> 00:13:33,160
Don't argue.
Get a firm grip underneath.
205
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:36,640
This is the ideal form
of quiet exercise.
206
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:40,200
You can do it in a crowded room and
nobody need know you're doing it.
207
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:43,860
Eh, up, some people
have filthy habits.
208
00:13:43,860 --> 00:13:45,520
This is no time for confession.
209
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,060
Now shut up and get hold.
210
00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:51,060
On of the word of command,
lifting party.
211
00:13:51,060 --> 00:13:53,200
Lift.
212
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,700
What's going on in here?
213
00:14:09,940 --> 00:14:12,780
Where do you think you're
going with that table top?
214
00:14:33,222 --> 00:14:35,442
It's merely a temporary setback.
215
00:14:37,022 --> 00:14:39,562
I reckon I've had enough.
Anyway, I don't want my
216
00:14:39,562 --> 00:14:43,102
muscles to get too massive,
otherwise my clobber won't fit.
217
00:14:43,102 --> 00:14:48,222
I thought the whole point
about wearing rags was it could fit anything.
218
00:14:48,222 --> 00:14:54,742
Flatterer. You're probably going
to die in about 100 years, is it really worth bothering to get trim?
219
00:14:54,742 --> 00:14:58,162
I see no reason why we
can't do it without the books.
220
00:14:58,162 --> 00:15:02,462
Oh, you need a book? Teach
yourself to die, there's a novelty.
221
00:15:02,462 --> 00:15:04,562
No, we can do the
exercises without the book.
222
00:15:04,562 --> 00:15:07,022
I've got a grasp
of the main principles.
223
00:15:07,022 --> 00:15:09,002
Watch it, it'll make you go blind.
224
00:15:11,082 --> 00:15:13,282
Would you kindly walk
a few paces behind?
225
00:15:13,282 --> 00:15:17,962
I don't want the general public
to get the impression we've stolen you from the top of a bonfire.
226
00:15:20,022 --> 00:15:23,082
If you insist
that we abandon isometrics,
227
00:15:23,082 --> 00:15:26,162
we shall just have to revert to
the more orthodox forms of exercise.
228
00:15:26,162 --> 00:15:28,402
Or we can just
deteriorate comfortably.
229
00:15:28,402 --> 00:15:32,562
No, we'll start with something short
and snappy. Like Nora Batty's garters.
230
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,382
The 100 yard dash.
231
00:15:36,382 --> 00:15:40,882
Oh, heck. Will you settle
for a 50 yard stagger?
232
00:15:40,882 --> 00:15:47,242
I'll settle for nothing less
than a reinvigorated body.
233
00:15:47,242 --> 00:15:51,042
Now, 100 yards. Yes, I shall
count to three. That's a good idea.
234
00:15:51,042 --> 00:15:54,242
That's a better exercised to
start with, counting to three.
235
00:15:55,182 --> 00:15:59,242
And on the command, go, I'll expect
to see a flying start, no slacking,
236
00:15:59,242 --> 00:16:02,722
no hanging back,
this is private enterprise.
237
00:16:02,722 --> 00:16:04,562
You can't get fit under socialism.
238
00:16:04,562 --> 00:16:08,182
Don't poke me in the
vicinity of my nipple.
239
00:16:08,182 --> 00:16:09,802
All that socialism will do for you
240
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:13,662
is to employ another regiment
of civil servants to do your running for you.
241
00:16:13,662 --> 00:16:18,102
I'll not have a Tory capitalist
poking me within the vicinity of my nipple.
242
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:19,942
To do your running for you.
243
00:16:19,942 --> 00:16:22,662
At shop steward speed,
which we all know is the
244
00:16:22,662 --> 00:16:25,642
equivalent of having your legs
firmly shackled in a mangle.
245
00:16:25,642 --> 00:16:27,662
Right, now, on your knees.
246
00:16:27,662 --> 00:16:31,942
That's a Tory talking, that's where
they want us, down on our knees.
247
00:16:31,942 --> 00:16:35,502
I do enjoy hearing people
discuss politics.
248
00:16:35,502 --> 00:16:40,222
It makes you realise there are
things more boring than growing old.
249
00:16:40,222 --> 00:16:44,882
Now, we'll run as far as that bush
down there, then we'll stop.
250
00:16:44,882 --> 00:16:49,502
Are you ready? On your marks,
this will make the blood race...
251
00:16:49,502 --> 00:16:52,082
I just hope we can keep up with it.
252
00:16:52,082 --> 00:16:55,662
Don't forget I'm still
wearing my wellies.
253
00:16:55,662 --> 00:16:59,362
Listen to him, it's like a duck
complaining about webbed feet.
254
00:16:59,362 --> 00:17:04,402
On your marks, 1, 2, 3. Go!
255
00:17:08,482 --> 00:17:13,222
I knew it, I knew it. All right,
don't get your vest in a tangle.
256
00:17:13,222 --> 00:17:17,562
The idea that when it came to
showing a bit of energy, you'd fail miserably.
257
00:17:17,562 --> 00:17:20,582
All right, we'll have a
crude commercial incentive.
258
00:17:20,582 --> 00:17:23,042
A shilling each in the
kitty, winner-takes-all.
259
00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:30,102
Look at him.
260
00:17:30,102 --> 00:17:31,682
What a performance.
261
00:17:31,682 --> 00:17:37,862
Sometimes, it slips through
the hole in my pocket and I have to find it in the lining.
262
00:17:37,862 --> 00:17:41,482
Good heavens. Does the same
thing happen to your money as well?
263
00:17:45,102 --> 00:17:47,702
I hope you realise this is
very much of a gamble.
264
00:17:47,702 --> 00:17:50,982
Only a little one. Whether I'm
going to find any money at all.
265
00:17:50,982 --> 00:17:53,702
We'll wait.
266
00:17:53,702 --> 00:17:55,382
This is it. I've got it here.
267
00:17:55,382 --> 00:17:57,502
Don't go away.
268
00:17:57,502 --> 00:18:00,482
If ever he's mugged, his assailant
is going to want waiting time.
269
00:18:08,022 --> 00:18:10,462
Here we are.
270
00:18:10,462 --> 00:18:14,922
Now that King Farouk's coughed up
from the royal treasury, on your marks.
271
00:18:17,022 --> 00:18:18,982
1, 2,
272
00:18:18,982 --> 00:18:20,542
3, go!
273
00:18:39,722 --> 00:18:42,622
You'll have to move that bush
a bit nearer, Foggy.
274
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,182
I'm losing physical polish.
275
00:18:45,182 --> 00:18:48,502
I ain't...losing...a shilling.
276
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:52,242
The way you chuck it about on the
gee-gees, you'd never think so.
277
00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:57,542
Wait a minute.
278
00:18:57,542 --> 00:19:00,082
I've got an idea.
279
00:19:03,342 --> 00:19:05,742
Where are you going?
280
00:19:05,742 --> 00:19:09,122
Come back!
281
00:19:10,022 --> 00:19:12,202
Come back. Both of you.
282
00:19:22,122 --> 00:19:24,302
I have this affinity for the water.
283
00:19:27,062 --> 00:19:32,022
It's not that I've got the sea in
my blood, it's more like a pond
284
00:19:32,022 --> 00:19:35,202
or very shallow rivers.
285
00:19:35,202 --> 00:19:37,322
I like to be able to see the bottom.
286
00:19:41,662 --> 00:19:47,442
A passion for inland waterways
could be better than having the sea in your blood.
287
00:19:47,442 --> 00:19:52,182
The Danes used to have the sea
in their blood and look how they finished up -
288
00:19:52,182 --> 00:19:59,122
with an international reputation
for pornography. It seems they like to see the bottom too.
289
00:20:00,702 --> 00:20:02,842
Hey, there are some
rabbit droppings here.
290
00:20:05,502 --> 00:20:06,622
What?
291
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,282
Rabbit droppings.
292
00:20:10,282 --> 00:20:17,202
Well, fill your pockets, kid, there's
nobody looking. It were just an idea.
293
00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:22,342
You might at least let me tell
you what it is.
294
00:20:31,682 --> 00:20:32,842
You'll be sorry.
295
00:20:36,522 --> 00:20:41,642
That's why the human race was buried
in ignorance for thousands of years,
296
00:20:41,642 --> 00:20:44,282
because it wouldn't
keep its ears open.
297
00:20:45,542 --> 00:20:48,242
CAR HORN HONKS
298
00:20:48,242 --> 00:20:50,282
You're a hog! What are you?
299
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:58,442
We're prepared to believe
that it's a brilliant idea,
300
00:20:58,442 --> 00:21:02,762
it's just that we'd rather not
hear about it on the grounds that
301
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:06,862
it might tend to invigorate us.
Oh, well, please yourselves.
302
00:21:10,342 --> 00:21:13,462
Eh, up, Nora Batty,
what are you doing here?
303
00:21:13,462 --> 00:21:16,342
Don't you come here near me.
304
00:21:16,342 --> 00:21:18,962
Do you want to have a look
in a matchbox? Here, look.
305
00:21:23,102 --> 00:21:25,502
Will you put that damned thing away?
306
00:21:25,502 --> 00:21:27,242
It won't do any harm, will you?
307
00:21:28,062 --> 00:21:30,242
What have you got in there?
308
00:21:31,382 --> 00:21:32,682
Filth.
309
00:21:32,682 --> 00:21:35,582
Now what's going on? I won't
have you frightening my staff.
310
00:21:35,582 --> 00:21:37,542
The staff?
311
00:21:37,542 --> 00:21:41,702
Mrs Batty is working here now,
so I can spend more time going around selling in the van.
312
00:21:41,702 --> 00:21:44,002
Eh, up, a bit of glamour
on the premises at last.
313
00:21:44,002 --> 00:21:47,862
Oh, you'll have to get her
done up a bit though, Sid.
314
00:21:47,862 --> 00:21:51,122
I mean, get her into some
black tights and a little skirt
315
00:21:51,122 --> 00:21:55,782
so she can slink around, singing
songs like Marlene Dietrich.
316
00:21:55,782 --> 00:21:58,982
He's got a wicked tongue.
317
00:21:58,982 --> 00:22:02,162
This is the best idea you've
had since them non-crisp crisps.
318
00:22:02,162 --> 00:22:04,502
They were crisp close enough.
Give over.
319
00:22:04,502 --> 00:22:07,822
They didn't go crunch,
they went shlop.
320
00:22:09,742 --> 00:22:12,002
I'll give you a shlop
if you come in any nearer.
321
00:22:12,002 --> 00:22:14,302
You can't keep your
hands off me, can you?
322
00:22:14,302 --> 00:22:16,322
You can't keep your hands off me.
323
00:22:16,322 --> 00:22:18,722
Look, look at these mobile lips.
324
00:22:20,822 --> 00:22:23,422
I didn't come here to be insulted.
325
00:22:23,422 --> 00:22:26,122
Why not? The customers do.
326
00:22:26,122 --> 00:22:29,202
If you got any complaints,
see my missus.
327
00:22:29,202 --> 00:22:33,862
No, it's all right, Sidney,
we'd rather have a complaint than see your missus.
328
00:22:33,862 --> 00:22:36,042
I understand that point of view.
329
00:22:36,042 --> 00:22:39,202
We'll have three of your
horrible meat pies, please, Sidney.
330
00:22:39,202 --> 00:22:42,602
Do you want the small
horrible meat pies or the large horrible meat pies?
331
00:22:42,602 --> 00:22:44,802
Small.
332
00:22:44,802 --> 00:22:47,702
Windy.
333
00:22:47,702 --> 00:22:49,442
Here. Ta.
334
00:22:52,822 --> 00:22:54,582
Ta.
335
00:23:00,662 --> 00:23:03,702
Ah!
336
00:23:03,702 --> 00:23:05,162
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
337
00:23:06,962 --> 00:23:09,962
Don't take the wrapping off,
you'll spoil the flavour.
338
00:23:12,242 --> 00:23:14,642
Now, about my idea.
339
00:23:14,642 --> 00:23:17,482
It occurred to me...
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
340
00:23:17,482 --> 00:23:22,922
I do like to see an attractive
woman dabbling through running water.
341
00:23:24,582 --> 00:23:26,662
What's attractive about Nora Batty?
342
00:23:26,662 --> 00:23:29,902
She's got a new bucket.
343
00:23:29,902 --> 00:23:33,362
I've seen her
with her hair down screaming.
344
00:23:33,362 --> 00:23:35,702
I've seen her all done
up on her way to bingo.
345
00:23:35,702 --> 00:23:39,342
Why is it women look so
lush when they go to bingo? Their eyes sparkle.
346
00:23:39,342 --> 00:23:43,782
Sad, isn't it, that they
seem to prefer it to adultery?
347
00:23:43,782 --> 00:23:48,002
Well, there's a bus that takes them
right to the door. That's true, yeah.
348
00:23:48,002 --> 00:23:54,222
There aren't many picture palaces
these days that have been converted into centres for adultery.
349
00:23:54,302 --> 00:23:57,222
How come tha took on Nora Batty?
350
00:23:57,222 --> 00:23:59,362
I didn't, the wife did.
351
00:23:59,362 --> 00:24:04,162
She wouldn't trust me with any of
the other applicants on account as they had recognisable boobs.
352
00:24:04,162 --> 00:24:06,162
Not good ones, just recognisable.
353
00:24:07,822 --> 00:24:09,802
What the hell are you doing?!
354
00:24:15,062 --> 00:24:19,242
Eh, up, did you see our Sidney
move then? Oh, he's fit.
355
00:24:19,242 --> 00:24:22,822
That's what we want -
a trainer, like Ivy.
356
00:24:22,822 --> 00:24:24,882
You saw what she did
for the Gestapo.
357
00:24:24,882 --> 00:24:28,722
What we want is a very elementary,
if only you'll listen to my idea.
358
00:24:28,722 --> 00:24:32,342
I thought you were going to load that
van. I tell you what I'm going to do.
359
00:24:32,342 --> 00:24:34,562
What? I'm going to load that van.
360
00:24:36,102 --> 00:24:40,162
Ivy, when is Marlene
going to do her cabaret?
361
00:24:40,162 --> 00:24:42,322
Oh, just ignore him, Mrs Batty.
362
00:24:42,322 --> 00:24:45,302
I do, I spend half my
life ignoring him.
363
00:24:45,302 --> 00:24:50,742
He shouts through my letterbox,
words like, "see-through blouses."
364
00:24:50,742 --> 00:24:53,662
Nora, life is passing us by.
365
00:24:53,662 --> 00:24:59,922
The time will come when you'll long
for my passionate lips to be pressed closely against your...letterbox.
366
00:25:01,342 --> 00:25:03,302
He's all mouth and trousers.
367
00:25:03,302 --> 00:25:06,002
They are all alike. Is that it, then?
368
00:25:06,002 --> 00:25:08,622
The whole male sex guilty
because I haven't loaded the van?
369
00:25:08,622 --> 00:25:11,102
It's guilty whether
you load it or not.
370
00:25:11,102 --> 00:25:13,802
I've never met a man yet that's worth
half a good woman.
371
00:25:13,802 --> 00:25:16,382
That's the trouble,
you can't get half a good woman -
372
00:25:16,382 --> 00:25:18,862
you've got to take
the whole nattering lot.
373
00:25:18,862 --> 00:25:22,442
Get in there! I was only joking.
Don't give me your joking...
374
00:25:27,782 --> 00:25:29,302
SMASHING
375
00:25:29,302 --> 00:25:31,022
MUFFLED SHOUTING
376
00:25:31,022 --> 00:25:35,522
How many more times do I have
to tell you? How many more times?
377
00:25:40,182 --> 00:25:43,742
Now, my idea concerns
378
00:25:43,742 --> 00:25:48,462
the ideal form of exercise for
restoring unfit middle-aged bodies.
379
00:25:48,462 --> 00:25:51,242
We've got the idea.
380
00:25:51,242 --> 00:25:54,582
It's just the opportunity,
isn't it, Nora?
381
00:25:54,582 --> 00:25:56,562
Falling in love again...
382
00:25:59,522 --> 00:26:01,622
Sit down and pay attention.
383
00:26:01,622 --> 00:26:07,562
Now look, this idea of mine
will appeal to you particularly because it involves sitting down...
384
00:26:10,442 --> 00:26:12,362
I'll be glad when this is over.
385
00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:14,642
Why do you always look
at things negatively?
386
00:26:14,642 --> 00:26:17,542
Why don't you see the positive side?
387
00:26:17,542 --> 00:26:19,922
I'm positive I'll be glad
when this is over.
388
00:26:19,922 --> 00:26:24,462
It's highly beneficial
to the kidneys. O-oh... What's your problem?
389
00:26:24,702 --> 00:26:27,902
I think your geography
is a bit wrong, Foggy.
390
00:26:27,902 --> 00:26:32,202
Within a few miles we'll slip
into it as if we're born to it.
391
00:26:32,202 --> 00:26:35,722
I hate it. I've never met
such a pair of complainers.
392
00:26:35,722 --> 00:26:38,962
You sit there and
do nothing but moan.
393
00:26:38,962 --> 00:26:45,362
Who's sitting? I'm taking most
of the weight in the stirrups. And to think that England has come to this.
394
00:26:45,362 --> 00:26:50,662
From the spirit behind the
charge of the Light Brigade to you two reluctant herberts.
395
00:26:50,662 --> 00:26:53,422
It was a horse that
made this nation great.
396
00:26:53,422 --> 00:26:56,322
And uncomfortable.
397
00:26:56,322 --> 00:27:00,362
I didn't realise it were
this far from the floor.
398
00:27:00,362 --> 00:27:03,222
Supposing I get thrown on my head.
399
00:27:03,222 --> 00:27:08,022
Does he look like a savage beast?
His head does a bit, yeah. He's a placid horse.
400
00:27:08,022 --> 00:27:10,502
He's got four feet on the ground.
401
00:27:10,502 --> 00:27:12,602
No wonder he's placid.
402
00:27:12,602 --> 00:27:15,642
What are you worried about?
They won't go any faster than this.
403
00:27:15,642 --> 00:27:21,402
I'm not worried about
it going faster, I'm worried about stopping it.
404
00:27:21,402 --> 00:27:24,242
Where's the break?
405
00:27:24,242 --> 00:27:26,742
You have to say "whoa".
406
00:27:26,742 --> 00:27:29,802
Whoa. Whoa, you stupid thing.
407
00:27:29,802 --> 00:27:31,882
Whoa, whoa.
408
00:27:31,882 --> 00:27:34,402
I knew it, it's a runaway.
What, at this speed?
409
00:27:36,702 --> 00:27:40,182
I thought you betting-shop
brigade were fond of horses.
410
00:27:40,182 --> 00:27:43,522
There's no danger,
you can always jump off.
411
00:27:43,522 --> 00:27:45,202
From up here?
412
00:27:45,202 --> 00:27:47,082
Tha must be crazy.
413
00:27:47,082 --> 00:27:48,802
I'm not risking it at this height.
414
00:27:50,322 --> 00:27:52,142
They'll stop when they feel like it.
415
00:27:52,142 --> 00:27:58,162
I should imagine, after a while
you get used to this rolling motion and start feeling more...
416
00:27:58,162 --> 00:27:59,662
sick.
417
00:28:01,882 --> 00:28:03,702
Take your lead from me.
418
00:28:03,702 --> 00:28:07,122
You don't have to panic,
just leave it to the horses.
419
00:28:07,122 --> 00:28:08,842
They'll take us home.
420
00:28:08,842 --> 00:28:11,282
The horses know where they're going.
421
00:28:38,082 --> 00:28:41,582
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422
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