subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Eddie.Griffin.Undeniable.2018.WEBRip.x264-ION10.eng

Afrikaans

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic Download

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bengali

Bosnian

Bulgarian

Catalan

Cebuano

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English

Esperanto

Estonian

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Khmer

Korean

Kurdish (Kurmanji)

Kyrgyz

Lao

Latin

Latvian

Lithuanian

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Nepali

Norwegian

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese

Punjabi

Romanian

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Sesotho

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhala

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish Download

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Telugu

Thai

Turkish

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Odia (Oriya)

Kinyarwanda

Turkmen

Tatar

Uyghur

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,542 --> 00:00:03,458 [♪♪♪] 2 00:00:10,458 --> 00:00:13,709 [notification beep] 3 00:00:19,667 --> 00:00:22,625 [♪♪♪] 4 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:28,000 [cheers and applause] 5 00:00:30,500 --> 00:00:33,041 [♪♪♪] 6 00:00:49,041 --> 00:00:49,250 - What's happening, y'all? 7 00:00:51,792 --> 00:00:54,000 Wassup, Boston? 8 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:55,709 [cheers] 9 00:00:55,709 --> 00:00:57,709 Go on, sit down sit down, y'all. 10 00:00:57,709 --> 00:00:59,542 Let's get at it! 11 00:00:59,542 --> 00:01:00,917 Yes, indeed, feedeede. 12 00:01:00,917 --> 00:01:04,166 I had to come to Boston and finish it off 13 00:01:04,166 --> 00:01:08,125 'cause right now, nigga, the world is fucked up, nigga. 14 00:01:08,125 --> 00:01:11,250 Nigga, you got hurricanes the size of Texas, 15 00:01:11,250 --> 00:01:12,208 y'understand me? 16 00:01:12,208 --> 00:01:13,208 And it's attackin' the motherfuckers 17 00:01:13,208 --> 00:01:16,291 that voted for the orange motherfucker. 18 00:01:16,291 --> 00:01:18,208 [applause and cheers] 19 00:01:21,709 --> 00:01:24,250 'Cause y'all know every hurricane start 20 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:29,041 on the coast of Africa where they picked us up at. 21 00:01:29,041 --> 00:01:31,333 Them ain't hurricanes. Them is ol' nigga's spirits. 22 00:01:31,333 --> 00:01:33,125 You motherfuckers! 23 00:01:33,125 --> 00:01:36,750 [cheers and applause] 24 00:01:36,750 --> 00:01:38,625 It's all about white privilege, nigga. 25 00:01:38,625 --> 00:01:40,792 Don't get it twisted with this orange 26 00:01:40,792 --> 00:01:43,125 avengin' motherfucker they got in the White House. 27 00:01:45,417 --> 00:01:48,000 Yeah, that's what I call him, the Orange Avenger. 28 00:01:50,834 --> 00:01:52,750 'Cause white people want a hero, nigga. 29 00:01:52,750 --> 00:01:53,667 Y'know what I mean? 30 00:01:53,667 --> 00:01:56,583 It's after eight years of Obama, they like 31 00:01:56,583 --> 00:02:01,458 "We need somebody to save us from the tyranny of niggas." 32 00:02:01,458 --> 00:02:04,000 Who is it? The Orange Avenger! 33 00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:08,500 I don't understand you white folks. 34 00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:10,208 Y'all are really some pussy motherfuckers. 35 00:02:10,208 --> 00:02:13,792 I ain't gonna fight with ya or mix words. 36 00:02:13,792 --> 00:02:16,041 I'm not gonna give you an excuse 37 00:02:16,041 --> 00:02:17,500 for your innate ability to be racist motherfuckers 38 00:02:17,500 --> 00:02:21,208 and think everybody else supposed to deal with your shit. 39 00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:23,792 You need to get the fuck over yourself. 40 00:02:23,792 --> 00:02:25,542 [cheers and applause] 41 00:02:25,542 --> 00:02:27,000 Y'all soft. 42 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:32,333 You couldn't handle eight years of a nigga bein' in charge. 43 00:02:32,333 --> 00:02:34,083 Nigga, we dealt with 450-plus years of you motherfuckers 44 00:02:34,083 --> 00:02:35,792 runnin' this country in the ground. 45 00:02:35,792 --> 00:02:38,500 We didn't go crazy. 46 00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:40,625 [cheers] 47 00:02:40,625 --> 00:02:41,750 Y'understand me? 48 00:02:41,750 --> 00:02:43,583 Y'all fucked it up for 400-plus years. 49 00:02:43,583 --> 00:02:46,125 It only took us eight years to fix it. 50 00:02:47,291 --> 00:02:49,667 Y'all been back for eight or nine months 51 00:02:49,667 --> 00:02:51,041 and fucked it up again. 52 00:02:51,041 --> 00:02:53,750 [cheers and applause] 53 00:02:53,750 --> 00:02:56,959 White people, sometimes you gotta let go and let God. 54 00:02:59,333 --> 00:03:02,834 How you vote for a orange motherfucker? 55 00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:04,458 I thought y'all said y'all hated colored people. 56 00:03:08,125 --> 00:03:10,542 You don't get more colored than this motherfucker. 57 00:03:10,542 --> 00:03:12,917 He orange with pissy yellow hair. 58 00:03:12,917 --> 00:03:14,834 Look like he spent the night at R. Kelly house. 59 00:03:14,834 --> 00:03:18,083 [cheers and applause] 60 00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:23,208 And the motherfucker dirt dumb! 61 00:03:23,208 --> 00:03:25,667 I don't even know if y'all know what dirt dumb is. 62 00:03:25,667 --> 00:03:29,333 This motherfucker is so dumb he had a thought and it hurt. 63 00:03:29,333 --> 00:03:32,667 He lie every time he opens his mouth. 64 00:03:32,667 --> 00:03:35,583 He told broke white people whatever they wanted to hear. 65 00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:37,166 That's how he got they vote. [Man] Yeah! 66 00:03:37,166 --> 00:03:40,333 - All the trailer trash wanna know 67 00:03:40,333 --> 00:03:42,959 is that they better than a nigga. [Man] Yeah. 68 00:03:42,959 --> 00:03:44,333 - Trump promised them everything. 69 00:03:44,333 --> 00:03:47,208 "I promise you gonna be better than the nigga." 70 00:03:47,208 --> 00:03:49,875 "Trump said we gonna be better than a nigga. 71 00:03:49,875 --> 00:03:52,375 I'm gonna be better than that Jagger-Jagger nigga. 72 00:03:52,375 --> 00:03:55,000 I'm gonna be better than that Diddy-Diddy nigga. 73 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,375 I'm gonna be better than that Griffin nigga. 74 00:03:57,375 --> 00:03:59,000 [shouting] Better than a nigga." 75 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,250 Y'ain't better than a nigga yet, are you? 76 00:04:01,250 --> 00:04:03,375 And then he promised them a wall. 77 00:04:03,375 --> 00:04:05,166 Where y'all wall at, white folks? 78 00:04:06,250 --> 00:04:08,625 What happened to the wall? Where is this-- 79 00:04:08,625 --> 00:04:10,375 There's no wall. 80 00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:12,917 'Cause the wall ain't comin', you stupid motherfuckers. 81 00:04:15,417 --> 00:04:16,542 And he always talking that shit, 82 00:04:16,542 --> 00:04:20,250 "Well, China built the Great Wall of China." 83 00:04:20,250 --> 00:04:22,375 Here's what this orange motherfucker don't understand. 84 00:04:22,375 --> 00:04:25,959 There's about one trillion Chinese. 85 00:04:25,959 --> 00:04:28,417 If each one of them grab a brick and toss it: wall. 86 00:04:31,583 --> 00:04:34,250 It wasn't that hard. It probably took 35 seconds. 87 00:04:35,583 --> 00:04:39,083 There's only 270 million Americans. 88 00:04:39,083 --> 00:04:41,125 Most of us are incarcerated. 89 00:04:42,375 --> 00:04:44,542 We ain't got enough motherfuckers outta jail 90 00:04:44,542 --> 00:04:46,208 to pick up a brick! 91 00:04:46,208 --> 00:04:48,500 And let's say they actually gave this fool 92 00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:50,667 the billions of dollars it would cost 93 00:04:50,667 --> 00:04:51,917 to build this monstrosity. 94 00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:54,625 Nigga, let me show you how easy it is 95 00:04:54,625 --> 00:04:57,959 for a Mexican to circumvent this shit. 96 00:04:57,959 --> 00:05:00,291 The wall's gonna end on the coast, right? 97 00:05:00,291 --> 00:05:01,417 California. 98 00:05:01,417 --> 00:05:03,625 That means it's gonna end at the ocean. 99 00:05:03,625 --> 00:05:05,375 Here's all the Mexican gotta do... 100 00:05:13,041 --> 00:05:15,709 Walk right around that motherfucker. 101 00:05:15,709 --> 00:05:19,625 They so racist they stupid. You can't stop a Mexican. 102 00:05:20,792 --> 00:05:24,625 Shit. Nigga, I got a Mexican. You're not gettin' mine. 103 00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:26,792 Every nigga in here got a Mexican. 104 00:05:26,792 --> 00:05:30,458 No black man has cut our own yard since '94, '95. 105 00:05:30,458 --> 00:05:33,750 A Mexican will cut a football field, nigga. 106 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:34,750 Five dollars. 107 00:05:34,750 --> 00:05:36,917 Ask a nigga to cut some grass. 108 00:05:36,917 --> 00:05:39,000 We go, "I'll cut your motherfuckin' throat." 109 00:05:40,333 --> 00:05:42,166 "Nigga, I sell dope. I make ten G's a day. 110 00:05:42,166 --> 00:05:43,458 Bitch, what's your problem? 111 00:05:43,458 --> 00:05:46,500 Fuck outta here with that fuckboy shit." 112 00:05:48,166 --> 00:05:50,291 Let me explain somethin' to you. 113 00:05:50,291 --> 00:05:53,458 You better hope the Mexicans don't go nowhere. 114 00:05:53,458 --> 00:05:57,458 They pick all the vegetables, all the fruits. 115 00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:59,000 Nigga, they'll pick a whole field for 25 cents. 116 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:03,000 [applause] 117 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,208 You get rid of Mexicans, nigga, 118 00:06:05,208 --> 00:06:08,083 your carrot is gonna cost $3,000. 119 00:06:10,834 --> 00:06:14,166 Salads is goin' up to $1,500, nigga. 120 00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:16,208 And if you motherfuckers think a nigga is goin' back 121 00:06:16,208 --> 00:06:18,834 to pick anything... 122 00:06:18,834 --> 00:06:21,041 [cheers and applause] 123 00:06:21,041 --> 00:06:24,083 My pickin' years are over, motherfucker! 124 00:06:24,083 --> 00:06:25,083 [cheers] 125 00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:28,667 All we gonna do is pick what side of the jaw 126 00:06:28,667 --> 00:06:29,583 to crack you in, you motherfucker. 127 00:06:33,417 --> 00:06:37,041 Nigga, we had the smartest president 128 00:06:37,041 --> 00:06:38,875 in the history of this country. 129 00:06:38,875 --> 00:06:40,667 [Woman] Yes! - With Barack Obama. 130 00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:44,291 [cheers and applause] 131 00:06:44,291 --> 00:06:47,458 If you don't agree with that statement, pffft, go home, 132 00:06:47,458 --> 00:06:50,500 look in the mirror, you a racist motherfucker. 133 00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:53,875 Barack Obama taught law at Harvard University. 134 00:06:53,875 --> 00:06:55,375 Harvard, the number one law school on Earth. 135 00:06:55,375 --> 00:06:58,500 That mean that nigga's the law. 136 00:06:59,750 --> 00:07:02,417 That's why Congress couldn't fade him for eight years, nigga. 137 00:07:02,417 --> 00:07:03,500 He's smarter than all of them. 138 00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:07,041 "This nigga's a different kind." 139 00:07:07,041 --> 00:07:09,041 "This one here's a thinker." 140 00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:13,250 "What ya gonna do about it?" 141 00:07:13,250 --> 00:07:16,417 "Not a goddamn thing!" 142 00:07:16,417 --> 00:07:18,709 "We ain't gonna do shit for eight years, 143 00:07:18,709 --> 00:07:21,875 and we ain't gonna give this jigaboo an extra dollar." 144 00:07:23,542 --> 00:07:26,500 They didn't give that brotha an extra dollar for eight years. 145 00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:27,667 And he still balanced the budget. 146 00:07:30,125 --> 00:07:32,583 'Cause you white folks forgot somethin' about us niggas. 147 00:07:32,583 --> 00:07:36,583 Niggas know how to do the most with the least. 148 00:07:36,583 --> 00:07:39,083 [cheers and applause] 149 00:07:39,083 --> 00:07:42,083 [whistles] 150 00:07:42,083 --> 00:07:43,834 See, Barack treated the whole country 151 00:07:43,834 --> 00:07:46,000 like a nigga treat our household budget. 152 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,959 You go on, now niggas know how to move money. 153 00:07:48,959 --> 00:07:50,291 "You gonna pay that?" 154 00:07:50,291 --> 00:07:51,750 "No, nigga move that over there." 155 00:07:52,792 --> 00:07:54,959 "Ain't you gonna pay the gas bill?" 156 00:07:54,959 --> 00:07:56,417 "Fuck no! It's summertime. Pay the electric bill. 157 00:07:56,417 --> 00:07:57,792 We need the air conditioning. 158 00:07:59,959 --> 00:08:02,625 If ya' pay the gas bill in the wintertime, motherfucker. 159 00:08:02,625 --> 00:08:03,875 We need the heat. 160 00:08:03,875 --> 00:08:04,834 Priorities, motherfucker. 161 00:08:04,834 --> 00:08:05,750 Priorities." 162 00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:09,417 They hated Obama, nigga, 163 00:08:09,417 --> 00:08:12,458 because he was everything they wished they could be. 164 00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:15,000 [Man] That's right. - Nigga, Obama has swag, nigga. 165 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,333 [Man] Yeah. - Obama walk in the room. 166 00:08:17,333 --> 00:08:18,917 Nigga, the room shut down. 167 00:08:18,917 --> 00:08:19,750 [screech noise] 168 00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:23,709 The nigga had jokes for that ass. 169 00:08:23,709 --> 00:08:27,333 We had the finest First Lady. [Audience] Yeah! 170 00:08:27,333 --> 00:08:28,917 - In the history of this motherfuckin' country. 171 00:08:28,917 --> 00:08:35,000 In my humble opinion. If Michelle, so motherfuckin' fine, 172 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,166 intelligent nigga. Chocolate mother. 173 00:08:37,166 --> 00:08:38,375 She had an ass, nigga... 174 00:08:38,375 --> 00:08:42,500 You know what I mean? It's the first time there was an ass 175 00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:44,208 in that goddamn raggedy White House. 176 00:08:45,834 --> 00:08:49,458 She was too much a queen to even be in that fucked-up shit. 177 00:08:49,458 --> 00:08:53,000 Every time she walked out the front door of the White House, 178 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:53,709 nigga, the whole country said, "Goddamn!" 179 00:08:55,625 --> 00:08:57,834 Secret Service used to walk behind her. 180 00:08:57,834 --> 00:09:00,166 "Here, let me carry that, help you. 181 00:09:00,166 --> 00:09:01,500 Help you carry that." 182 00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:07,208 Now you got this flat booty, ironin' board back Trump wife. 183 00:09:07,208 --> 00:09:08,750 Nigga, she ain't got no ass at all. 184 00:09:08,750 --> 00:09:11,792 She come out, the whole country like, "Whatever." 185 00:09:13,041 --> 00:09:15,166 Secret Service standin' next to her and, 186 00:09:15,166 --> 00:09:17,375 "Hmmpf, there's nothin' back there to guard." 187 00:09:17,375 --> 00:09:20,000 "Come on. When I move, you move just like that." 188 00:09:25,208 --> 00:09:28,041 I don't even think she's Trump's wife. 189 00:09:28,041 --> 00:09:32,000 Yeah, you better see in to CNN. Come with me for a minute. 190 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:36,375 I think this bitch is Putin's number one KGB female agent. 191 00:09:36,375 --> 00:09:38,625 [cheers and applause] 192 00:09:38,625 --> 00:09:41,542 'Cause I know a killer when I see one. 193 00:09:41,542 --> 00:09:45,083 I grew up in the projects. That bitch got a 40-yard stare. 194 00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:46,417 She done killed before. 195 00:09:46,417 --> 00:09:48,667 She got a lotta bodies on her, nigga. 196 00:09:48,667 --> 00:09:50,834 You can look at that bitch stare. 197 00:09:50,834 --> 00:09:52,959 Nigga, she on assignment like a motherfucker. 198 00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:54,250 Hell yeah, niggas. 199 00:09:54,250 --> 00:09:56,792 'Cause she front his ass off every chance she get. 200 00:09:56,792 --> 00:09:59,000 He be tryin' to shake her hand, 201 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,250 she be like, "Don't you touch me. 202 00:10:01,250 --> 00:10:02,750 You're the worst assignment I've ever been given. 203 00:10:02,750 --> 00:10:06,333 I'm waiting on Vladimir to give me the call. 204 00:10:06,333 --> 00:10:08,208 I'll kill your orange ass in your sleep." 205 00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,458 [applause] 206 00:10:10,458 --> 00:10:12,583 That's why that motherfucker don't sleep, nigga. 207 00:10:12,583 --> 00:10:14,417 He up late Tweetin' like a motherfucker, 208 00:10:14,417 --> 00:10:14,709 "Help me. Help me." 209 00:10:17,291 --> 00:10:19,458 There's a Jerry Springer show goin' on in 210 00:10:19,458 --> 00:10:20,792 that goddamn White House. 211 00:10:20,792 --> 00:10:22,917 I don't know what you ooohin' for. 212 00:10:22,917 --> 00:10:26,000 He said it hisself on TV. [Man] Yes, he did! 213 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,250 - Didn't this motherfucker? 214 00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:29,458 He said, "Nigga, if that wasn't my daughter, 215 00:10:29,458 --> 00:10:31,291 she's so fine, we'd be fuckin'." 216 00:10:31,291 --> 00:10:32,375 I got three daughters. 217 00:10:32,375 --> 00:10:35,583 Every man in here that got a daughter, nigga, 218 00:10:35,583 --> 00:10:37,750 you don't look at your daughter sexually. 219 00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:40,750 The fact that that came outta that maggot motherfucker's brain 220 00:10:40,750 --> 00:10:43,458 lets you know what kinda sick individual you fuckin' with. 221 00:10:43,458 --> 00:10:46,625 [cheers and applause] 222 00:10:51,125 --> 00:10:54,333 Let me explain somethin' to my white friends here. 223 00:10:54,333 --> 00:10:58,166 Y'all don't really know or appreciate how lucky you were 224 00:10:58,166 --> 00:11:01,291 that Obama was the first black president. 225 00:11:01,291 --> 00:11:06,166 That is truly the nicest nigga America could produce. 226 00:11:08,166 --> 00:11:14,959 For if it was any other nigga in here, including me... 227 00:11:14,959 --> 00:11:18,083 Day one of the Griffin Administration, 228 00:11:18,083 --> 00:11:19,875 right after the inniggaration... 229 00:11:19,875 --> 00:11:21,667 [cheers] 230 00:11:21,667 --> 00:11:23,542 White slavery! 231 00:11:23,542 --> 00:11:24,959 [cord cracking] 232 00:11:27,917 --> 00:11:31,250 Payback's a bitch! 233 00:11:31,250 --> 00:11:34,333 Y'all'd've been some cotton-pickin' motherfuckers. 234 00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:36,000 Under that Griffin Administration. 235 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:40,500 Now don't get me wrong. I'd be nice to my white slaves. 236 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:41,875 I'd let y'all pick cotton at night. 237 00:11:44,583 --> 00:11:45,834 That way your skin don't burn up. 238 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:51,667 You got to let your white slaves work the night shift. 239 00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:54,875 As soon as the sun go down, "Goddammit, here we go again!" 240 00:11:57,750 --> 00:12:00,875 And let's keep it 100, y'all. 241 00:12:00,875 --> 00:12:04,709 I think white people coulda been slaves for about five minutes. 242 00:12:04,709 --> 00:12:06,375 No, they too arrogant, nigga. 243 00:12:06,375 --> 00:12:09,458 They'd be out in the field, "This is some fuckin' bullshit! 244 00:12:11,041 --> 00:12:14,375 Do you have any sunscreen? I'm fuckin' peelin'! 245 00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:18,709 It's fuckin' hot, master. It's fuckin' hot. 246 00:12:18,709 --> 00:12:21,166 I'm gonna sue you, master nigga. 247 00:12:21,166 --> 00:12:22,917 I'm gonna sue you, master." 248 00:12:22,917 --> 00:12:24,750 [laughs] 249 00:12:24,750 --> 00:12:25,625 [hand hitting mic] 250 00:12:26,959 --> 00:12:30,625 Nigga, the black slave owners come out on their porch. 251 00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:35,875 "Go on and let 'em go. 252 00:12:35,875 --> 00:12:38,000 They didn't pick nothin' no goddamn way. 253 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:40,542 All they do is lay on the ground 254 00:12:40,542 --> 00:12:43,375 and bitch about how hot it is. 255 00:12:43,375 --> 00:12:45,000 Them motherfuckers keep singin' outta tune. 256 00:12:47,583 --> 00:12:48,959 Don't nobody wanna hear that shit." 257 00:12:55,250 --> 00:12:58,250 'Cause nigga, when we were indentured servants 258 00:12:58,250 --> 00:13:01,375 out in that hot motherfuckin' sun pickin' cotton, 259 00:13:01,375 --> 00:13:04,250 we wasn't on the ground bitchin' about the heat. 260 00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:06,458 Them brothas and sistas were strong, nigga. 261 00:13:06,458 --> 00:13:09,083 Nigga, they still had a song in their heart. 262 00:13:09,083 --> 00:13:11,500 They was out there singin' their ass off. 263 00:13:17,208 --> 00:13:20,083 ♪ Jesus why ♪ 264 00:13:20,083 --> 00:13:25,792 ♪ Come on down and kill that honky Jesus ♪ 265 00:13:25,792 --> 00:13:26,083 Y'all remember that one? 266 00:13:28,625 --> 00:13:30,125 Nigga, that was a Top Ten Negro spiritual. 267 00:13:32,375 --> 00:13:33,834 Fuck y'all, nigga. 268 00:13:33,834 --> 00:13:36,375 That motherfucker went quadruple cotton. 269 00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:39,750 See, we didn't have platinum back then. 270 00:13:40,917 --> 00:13:43,792 [sigh] I see some of you motherfuckers lookin' at me 271 00:13:43,792 --> 00:13:46,041 like, "He gonna sing 'Go Down, Moses.'" 272 00:13:46,041 --> 00:13:48,625 I don't go back that far. 273 00:13:48,625 --> 00:13:49,375 I sing "Kill That Honky." 274 00:13:49,375 --> 00:13:52,250 [laughs] 275 00:13:52,250 --> 00:13:54,834 Nigga, if you had white slaves out in the field singin', 276 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,750 they'd be fuckin' a good song up. 277 00:14:02,792 --> 00:14:05,166 ♪ "Fuckin' ain't right ♪ 278 00:14:05,166 --> 00:14:08,166 ♪ Oh no yeah right kee-kee-kee-ha" ♪ 279 00:14:09,625 --> 00:14:12,125 Nigga, the black master come out on his porch, 280 00:14:12,125 --> 00:14:14,125 "What that motherfucker singin'? 281 00:14:14,125 --> 00:14:17,917 Oh, no! Fuck that. Kill that motherfucker. 282 00:14:17,917 --> 00:14:20,333 Ain't no devil worshippin' on this plantation. 283 00:14:20,333 --> 00:14:23,333 This here the Lord's plantation, motherfucker. 284 00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:24,166 What the fuck is a kee-kee-kee-ha? 285 00:14:26,625 --> 00:14:27,542 Now clear out. 286 00:14:27,542 --> 00:14:30,500 I'll pick the cotton my goddamn self." 287 00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:33,500 "Hey, hey, slow down, nigga. Slow your ass down. 288 00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:35,000 Now don't you touch that big-booty white girl." 289 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,709 "No, master, I was right here on my porch. 290 00:14:38,709 --> 00:14:40,792 I swear that she didn't do nothin'. 291 00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:43,083 As for the rest of them. Get them. 292 00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:45,458 Leave that big-booty white girl alone. 293 00:14:45,458 --> 00:14:47,250 Master Dick don't discriminate. 294 00:14:48,875 --> 00:14:52,083 Now, I don't like 'em, but my dick say they all right." 295 00:14:54,542 --> 00:14:56,333 "Come right this way. Come on. 296 00:14:56,333 --> 00:14:57,166 Now get on in there. 297 00:14:57,166 --> 00:14:59,458 We gonna make some little niglets." 298 00:15:04,750 --> 00:15:07,834 'Cause what's ailin' our beautiful country is racism. 299 00:15:07,834 --> 00:15:08,750 [Woman] Yes! 300 00:15:08,750 --> 00:15:12,959 - Pussy can cure racism. It has already. 301 00:15:12,959 --> 00:15:16,208 You wanna fix this country, start fuckin'! 302 00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:17,709 If you don't believe me, it's already happenin'. 303 00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:19,041 Look around the room. 304 00:15:19,041 --> 00:15:21,041 There go two of them right there. 305 00:15:23,917 --> 00:15:25,542 That white boy gave up. 306 00:15:25,542 --> 00:15:27,417 "Oh, fuck it. I'm with the niggas." 307 00:15:29,458 --> 00:15:32,083 'Cause pussy cure racism, man. 308 00:15:32,083 --> 00:15:34,959 That redneck motherfucker be talkin' careshit. 309 00:15:34,959 --> 00:15:38,417 "Who bein' fucked by a nigga? Fuck them porch monkeys." 310 00:15:38,417 --> 00:15:41,417 That motherfucker get some of that chocolate pussy... 311 00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:51,083 [groans and moans] 312 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:55,792 "Well, you know they're human." 313 00:15:55,792 --> 00:15:59,792 [cheers and applause] 314 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:00,917 [laughs] 315 00:16:00,917 --> 00:16:02,917 Nigga be talkin' careshit. 316 00:16:02,917 --> 00:16:04,542 "Man, fuck them honky motherfuckers. 317 00:16:04,542 --> 00:16:06,542 I don't trust them crackers." 318 00:16:06,542 --> 00:16:08,208 Nigga gets some of that kink-pink. 319 00:16:13,208 --> 00:16:16,417 You know we got a longer stroke, nigga. 320 00:16:16,417 --> 00:16:20,083 [applause] 321 00:16:28,959 --> 00:16:31,417 Nigga, there's this ol' sayin'. 322 00:16:31,417 --> 00:16:33,959 I'm sure the older brothas and sistas in here 323 00:16:33,959 --> 00:16:35,625 done heard it before me, 324 00:16:35,625 --> 00:16:38,000 and it still holds water today, nigga. 325 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,792 If God made somethin' better than pussy, 326 00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:43,417 he kept it for himself. 327 00:16:43,417 --> 00:16:45,333 [applause] 328 00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:50,500 Nigga, I don't think there's a man in this room on this Earth 329 00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:53,000 that can handle somethin' better than pussy. 330 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,291 Pussy already break your wallet. 331 00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:58,500 Dicks don't break purses. 332 00:17:00,542 --> 00:17:05,000 Countries have gone to war over pussy. 333 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,083 There are no dick wars. 334 00:17:08,667 --> 00:17:12,125 Pussy will leave with your house. 335 00:17:12,125 --> 00:17:14,208 I don't think you hear me. 336 00:17:14,208 --> 00:17:15,792 There's a bitch walkin' outta a courtroom right now 337 00:17:15,792 --> 00:17:17,834 somewhere on Earth 338 00:17:17,834 --> 00:17:20,667 with a brand-new house after the divorce. 339 00:17:20,667 --> 00:17:22,834 That bitch walk out, "Girl, what you get?" 340 00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:24,166 "I got the house." 341 00:17:26,375 --> 00:17:30,250 You ain't never seen dick walk outta courtroom with shit! 342 00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:32,000 "Hey, my dude, what you get?" 343 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,250 "Nigga, I gotta get a job. 344 00:17:35,417 --> 00:17:36,834 Yeah. I gotta pay alimony. 345 00:17:36,834 --> 00:17:39,542 Mony, mony, child support. 346 00:17:39,542 --> 00:17:41,208 I ain't even gettin' the pussy no more, man!" 347 00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,709 Pussy get free shit. 348 00:17:50,709 --> 00:17:52,917 No woman in my audience tonight 349 00:17:52,917 --> 00:17:56,458 shoulda bought a motherfuckin' ticket to my show. 350 00:17:56,458 --> 00:17:57,834 Pussy get free shit. 351 00:17:57,834 --> 00:17:58,917 Look at the dumb bitches in here, 352 00:17:58,917 --> 00:18:01,291 "I'm doin' it all wrong." 353 00:18:01,291 --> 00:18:02,375 You sure is, you stupid motherfucker. 354 00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:07,083 Pussy get free shit! 355 00:18:07,083 --> 00:18:09,333 "Hey, baby, I wanna see Eddie Griffin. 356 00:18:09,333 --> 00:18:13,667 Give me 240 nigga tickets. My pussy wanna laugh." 357 00:18:13,667 --> 00:18:14,583 "I'm hungry." 358 00:18:14,583 --> 00:18:17,542 "Feed my pussy. Whatever it want, on me. 359 00:18:17,542 --> 00:18:19,083 I got it." 360 00:18:19,083 --> 00:18:20,667 "I wanna see a movie." 361 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,083 "Two tickets for the pussy, please. 362 00:18:23,083 --> 00:18:26,458 Give the pussy some popcorn, too. 363 00:18:26,458 --> 00:18:28,250 Small Coke. The bitch got diabetes. 364 00:18:28,250 --> 00:18:30,417 I don't want her dyin' on me." 365 00:18:30,417 --> 00:18:31,291 [cheers and applause] 366 00:18:31,291 --> 00:18:34,000 [laughs] 367 00:18:36,917 --> 00:18:39,750 Pussy get free shit! 368 00:18:39,750 --> 00:18:41,250 Dick don't get shit free. 369 00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:43,750 Nigga, ask your woman for somethin' to eat. 370 00:18:43,750 --> 00:18:45,250 "Look in the 'frigerator, nigga. Somethin' in there." 371 00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:48,583 "Hey, baby, I'd like to see a movie." 372 00:18:48,583 --> 00:18:50,458 "We got cable, nigga. Turn it on." 373 00:18:51,333 --> 00:18:55,041 The only time dick gets free shit 374 00:18:55,041 --> 00:18:58,917 is when you come off the ceiling on the pussy. 375 00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:01,917 Now I see you young motherfuckers 376 00:19:01,917 --> 00:19:04,750 lookin' at me like, "Oh, hey, what's that mean?" 377 00:19:04,750 --> 00:19:08,542 The older brothas in here, like, "You know it, nigga." 378 00:19:08,542 --> 00:19:12,417 When you come off the ceiling, you young motherfuckers, 379 00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:16,625 that's when you go up so high on the upstroke, 380 00:19:16,625 --> 00:19:18,375 the ceiling fan smack you in the ass. 381 00:19:22,375 --> 00:19:23,542 You gotta beat a pussy up, nigga. 382 00:19:23,542 --> 00:19:25,834 [cheers] 383 00:19:25,834 --> 00:19:29,166 You gotta hit that motherfucker in the mouth. Wham! 384 00:19:29,166 --> 00:19:31,667 You gotta swell that bitch up, nigga. 385 00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:37,000 You gotta make it look like a wasp's nest stung it. 386 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,291 Nigga, you gotta give pussy a ten count. 387 00:19:44,834 --> 00:19:48,250 Pussy out! 388 00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:52,000 If you did it right, that bitch gotta soak in some Epsom salt 389 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,458 for a couple of days. 390 00:19:55,667 --> 00:19:57,000 And look at the little-dick motherfuckers in here. 391 00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,291 "It really happen like that?" 392 00:20:00,709 --> 00:20:02,500 Yeah, little motherfucker. 393 00:20:06,208 --> 00:20:08,667 Nigga, I'm handlin' my business. 394 00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:12,041 You know, I ain't gonna sit up here and brag, nigga, 395 00:20:12,041 --> 00:20:13,917 but you know, I get return visits. 396 00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:19,166 You know when you doin' somethin', nigga. 397 00:20:19,166 --> 00:20:21,625 You fly into their town or country... 398 00:20:21,625 --> 00:20:23,041 'cause I'm an international nigga. 399 00:20:23,041 --> 00:20:24,250 I get around. 400 00:20:25,542 --> 00:20:30,500 [laughs] And they like, "You with anybody tonight? 401 00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:33,375 You wanna reminisce?" 402 00:20:33,375 --> 00:20:34,709 'Cause you done put that... 403 00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:40,125 I'm handlin' my nigga. 404 00:20:40,125 --> 00:20:42,709 Before I flew out here to shoot this, nigga, 405 00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:44,917 my wife's sittin' in the kitchen, nigga, 406 00:20:44,917 --> 00:20:48,417 and she said, "Yeah, I wish I could cut your dick off 407 00:20:48,417 --> 00:20:49,333 before you leave." 408 00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:50,959 I said, "Excuse me?" 409 00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:54,583 I was in a state of shock, too, nigga. I just backed up. 410 00:20:54,583 --> 00:20:57,250 You know, the bitch had a knife in her hand. 411 00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:58,583 She was cookin', but fuck the dumb shit. 412 00:20:58,583 --> 00:21:00,208 I ain't takin' no chance. 413 00:21:00,208 --> 00:21:03,125 I said, "So what the fuck is that all about?" 414 00:21:03,125 --> 00:21:06,709 She like, "That way I know when you get to Boston, nigga, 415 00:21:06,709 --> 00:21:09,125 you just filmin', not out there fuckin' around. 416 00:21:09,125 --> 00:21:11,750 I'm tired of you comin' home with new children." 417 00:21:11,750 --> 00:21:15,208 [chatter and laughter] 418 00:21:15,208 --> 00:21:17,917 I didn't have no answer for that new. 419 00:21:17,917 --> 00:21:20,875 I got ten kids, nigga. I ain't tellin' on myself. 420 00:21:20,875 --> 00:21:22,750 Quieter than a motherfucker. 421 00:21:22,750 --> 00:21:24,250 I was mad, too, nigga. 422 00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:25,917 I'm sittin' in the kitchen. 423 00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:28,542 "This bitch ain't gonna hit me with a zinger. 424 00:21:28,542 --> 00:21:30,667 I'm the comedian in this motherfuckin' family. 425 00:21:30,667 --> 00:21:32,792 I'm the nigga that tell the jokes. 426 00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:33,959 You don't hit me with a one-liner 427 00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:36,792 and shut me the fuck up. 428 00:21:36,792 --> 00:21:39,834 Shit, who the fuck do you think you is, bitch? 429 00:21:39,834 --> 00:21:40,917 You outta your motherfuckin' mind. 430 00:21:40,917 --> 00:21:43,834 I'll fuck you..." Said all that shit to myself. 431 00:21:44,750 --> 00:21:48,625 She had the knife in her hand. I ain't stupid, you know. 432 00:21:48,625 --> 00:21:50,208 I almost missed the flight gettin' here, nigga, 433 00:21:50,208 --> 00:21:52,583 because I hate losin', nigga. 434 00:21:52,583 --> 00:21:54,875 I don't know how to lose, nigga. 435 00:21:54,875 --> 00:21:58,375 So, nigga, I'm sittin' there 'til my brain turned back on. 436 00:21:58,375 --> 00:22:01,792 I'm like, "This bitch ain't just gonna leave me with this shit." 437 00:22:01,792 --> 00:22:03,917 Nigga, my brain finally turned back on. 438 00:22:03,917 --> 00:22:05,458 Said, "What you got against kids? 439 00:22:06,291 --> 00:22:08,208 Just 'cause they ain't yours?" 440 00:22:08,208 --> 00:22:11,625 That bitch threw that knife, nigga. 441 00:22:11,625 --> 00:22:13,458 And see, I made it here safely. 442 00:22:15,208 --> 00:22:17,959 I was thinkin' about the shit on the flight, nigga. 443 00:22:17,959 --> 00:22:19,041 I said, "Damn." 444 00:22:19,041 --> 00:22:22,125 Now all this time I thought she was gettin' upset 445 00:22:22,125 --> 00:22:24,750 over stupid shit 'cause I live in Vegas, nigga. 446 00:22:24,750 --> 00:22:25,500 Like comin' home the next afternoon." 447 00:22:28,625 --> 00:22:30,375 I'm tryin' to win my money back, nigga. 448 00:22:30,375 --> 00:22:33,458 And immediately she think a nigga fuckin'. 449 00:22:33,458 --> 00:22:34,792 "You out there fuckin'." 450 00:22:34,792 --> 00:22:35,875 "Not all the time." 451 00:22:38,291 --> 00:22:39,500 I'm an honest nigga. Not all the time. 452 00:22:41,417 --> 00:22:44,166 Nigga, I was thinkin' about it. 453 00:22:44,166 --> 00:22:46,291 Nigga, I said, "Nigga, it's the dickin'." 454 00:22:46,291 --> 00:22:49,500 This whole time I'm thinkin' this shit is about time. 455 00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:52,500 Fellas, it ain't about time. It's about the dickin'. 456 00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:55,834 See, if you dick her down properly, 457 00:22:55,834 --> 00:22:57,291 now the Knights of the Round Table know 458 00:22:57,291 --> 00:22:58,709 what I'm talkin' about. 459 00:22:58,709 --> 00:23:01,417 You little-dick motherfuckers, just think about it. 460 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,375 But if you dick her down properly, 461 00:23:04,375 --> 00:23:08,375 her brain becomes dicktified. 462 00:23:08,375 --> 00:23:09,875 Root word, addickted. 463 00:23:09,875 --> 00:23:13,375 Nigga, all she think about is your dick 24 hours a day. 464 00:23:13,375 --> 00:23:16,208 Nigga, you walk outta your house, 465 00:23:16,208 --> 00:23:18,041 that bitch like, "The dick is leavin'. 466 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:20,500 Who the dick leavin' with? 467 00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:23,834 You know, when you left here yesterday, 468 00:23:23,834 --> 00:23:26,208 I called the dick on the phone. The dick didn't answer. 469 00:23:26,208 --> 00:23:28,583 What is the dick doin'?" 470 00:23:28,583 --> 00:23:30,750 Nigga, if you dick 'em down proper, 471 00:23:30,750 --> 00:23:33,625 you take three steps outta your house, 472 00:23:33,625 --> 00:23:36,542 a female mind immediately comes up with scenarios 473 00:23:36,542 --> 00:23:40,542 that have nothin' to do with reality. 474 00:23:40,542 --> 00:23:44,542 Nigga, you go uno, dos, tres, "Bye, baby." 475 00:23:44,542 --> 00:23:47,959 "Hold it, nigga. Who you think you foolin'? 476 00:23:47,959 --> 00:23:49,875 You think I'm stupid, don't ya? 477 00:23:49,875 --> 00:23:51,709 Talkin' about you goin' to shoot. 478 00:23:51,709 --> 00:23:55,333 Pool, Eddie. Ain't nobody shot pool since 1973. 479 00:23:57,500 --> 00:23:58,667 You out there fuckin', you little black motherfucker!" 480 00:24:02,333 --> 00:24:03,542 I started thinkin' about this shit. 481 00:24:03,542 --> 00:24:08,083 Fellas, if we had detachable dicks, 482 00:24:08,083 --> 00:24:09,709 and ladies, be honest with your motherfuckin' self, 483 00:24:09,709 --> 00:24:13,417 y'all wouldn't give a fuck if we ever came in. 484 00:24:14,709 --> 00:24:16,959 Nigga, we could stay gone for a week, 485 00:24:16,959 --> 00:24:18,083 two weeks maybe. 486 00:24:18,083 --> 00:24:19,583 Her girlfriend will come over. 487 00:24:19,583 --> 00:24:21,291 "I ain't seen your husband. 488 00:24:21,291 --> 00:24:24,417 Every time I come over here, that nigga ain't here. 489 00:24:24,417 --> 00:24:26,750 Did y'all get into an argument or somethin'? 490 00:24:26,750 --> 00:24:28,125 Y'all get a divorce?" 491 00:24:28,125 --> 00:24:30,083 She like, "No girl. Shit, Eddie left, when was it? 492 00:24:30,083 --> 00:24:32,208 Last Friday? 493 00:24:32,208 --> 00:24:34,166 Oh, the nigga ain't doin' nothin', though, 494 00:24:34,166 --> 00:24:36,000 'cause the dick is in the drawer." 495 00:24:37,709 --> 00:24:41,542 "The dick is in the drawer. You wanna play with it?" 496 00:24:43,792 --> 00:24:47,166 "Nigga, your ass really somewhere shootin' pool? 497 00:24:48,625 --> 00:24:49,583 You talkin' careshit. Yeah, nigga. 498 00:24:49,583 --> 00:24:53,166 Two times off the rail corner pocket. 499 00:24:53,166 --> 00:24:55,458 Nigga, I done beat you two games, nigga. 500 00:24:55,458 --> 00:24:56,625 Ain't nobody set your ass up. 501 00:24:56,625 --> 00:24:59,792 Put your money where your mouth is, nigga. 502 00:24:59,792 --> 00:25:01,166 Otherwise close it. 503 00:25:01,166 --> 00:25:03,417 Your breath smells like you had a shit sandwich." 504 00:25:10,208 --> 00:25:11,417 "Hold on there, nigga. 505 00:25:14,667 --> 00:25:17,000 [groans] Y'all play without me. 506 00:25:18,458 --> 00:25:19,792 My wife is playin' with my dick again. 507 00:25:24,500 --> 00:25:25,834 She lettin' her girlfriend play." 508 00:25:37,709 --> 00:25:40,375 Ladies, what's good for the goose 509 00:25:40,375 --> 00:25:41,834 is good for the gander. 510 00:25:44,041 --> 00:25:47,750 See, if my wife got the bomb, that's why she got the ring. 511 00:25:47,750 --> 00:25:49,667 "Baby, where you goin'?" 512 00:25:49,667 --> 00:25:54,458 "Uh-- we gonna go out. It's girls' night out." 513 00:25:55,041 --> 00:25:59,333 [laughter] 514 00:25:59,333 --> 00:26:01,041 "Put the pussy in the drawer. 515 00:26:03,041 --> 00:26:05,875 Put the pussy in the motherfuckin' drawer. 516 00:26:05,875 --> 00:26:09,792 Take them lips off. In the drawer. 517 00:26:09,792 --> 00:26:12,458 Oh, bitch, you ain't goin' nowhere with that throat. 518 00:26:13,542 --> 00:26:15,375 In the drawer. 519 00:26:15,375 --> 00:26:18,125 Take them titties off, bitch. Right on top. 520 00:26:18,125 --> 00:26:19,417 In the drawer. 521 00:26:19,417 --> 00:26:21,834 You ain't goin' nowhere with that right hand, either, bitch. 522 00:26:23,750 --> 00:26:25,750 In the drawer." 523 00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:28,291 Them bitches meet up at the club, like, 524 00:26:28,291 --> 00:26:31,000 [mumbling] "He wouldn't let me leave with my ass." 525 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:32,208 [applause] 526 00:26:32,208 --> 00:26:34,750 "He wouldn't let me leave with my ass." 527 00:26:36,875 --> 00:26:40,041 Nigga, you know one of them bitches show up blind. 528 00:26:40,041 --> 00:26:43,000 "He told me he don't want me lookin' at nobody." 529 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:44,709 [applause] 530 00:26:47,500 --> 00:26:51,375 I'm just sayin', ladies, y'all got more shit 531 00:26:51,375 --> 00:26:53,625 you gonna have to come up off of. 532 00:26:53,625 --> 00:26:56,750 That hair, in the motherfuckin' drawer. 533 00:26:56,750 --> 00:26:58,417 Them eyelashes. They ain't yours. 534 00:26:58,417 --> 00:27:02,125 No goddamn way. In the motherfuckin' drawer. 535 00:27:02,125 --> 00:27:05,041 And bitch, take them motherfuckin' feet off. 536 00:27:05,041 --> 00:27:06,834 Some of these niggas got foot fetishes. 537 00:27:08,792 --> 00:27:10,959 Nigga, I get done with my wife, 538 00:27:10,959 --> 00:27:12,750 she gonna be a motherfuckin' head. 539 00:27:13,125 --> 00:27:15,375 I'll grab her by her eye-not-havin'-ass 540 00:27:15,375 --> 00:27:17,875 and roll her out the door. 541 00:27:18,917 --> 00:27:24,333 "Have fun, baby! I hope y'all goin' bowlin'. 542 00:27:24,333 --> 00:27:27,291 That's all the fuck you gonna be able to do. 543 00:27:27,291 --> 00:27:30,458 I'm gonna fuck the shit out your body while you're gone." 544 00:27:32,625 --> 00:27:35,250 I told you, nigga, I'm comin' to hurt you. 545 00:27:35,250 --> 00:27:38,250 I don't do chuckles, nigga. [chuckles] 546 00:27:38,250 --> 00:27:39,458 I'll hurt you, nigga. 547 00:27:39,458 --> 00:27:41,458 You'll leave my show with a six-pack. 548 00:27:42,125 --> 00:27:44,125 "Hey, nigga, where you been trainin' at?" 549 00:27:44,125 --> 00:27:45,208 "That Eddie Griffin show, nigga. 550 00:27:45,208 --> 00:27:47,750 That nigga tighten your shit right up, nigga." 551 00:27:51,709 --> 00:27:53,750 Nigga, you remember when... 552 00:27:53,750 --> 00:27:56,375 Nigga, you remember when you was 16? 553 00:27:56,375 --> 00:27:59,834 How many fellas in here remember when you was 16, nigga? 554 00:27:59,834 --> 00:28:02,667 You remember, nigga, we could fuck seven to nine times a day? 555 00:28:02,667 --> 00:28:04,500 [sigh] Well, some of you motherfuckers 556 00:28:04,500 --> 00:28:07,458 got a short libido, nigga. 557 00:28:07,458 --> 00:28:08,959 Seven to nine wasn't shit for me, nigga. 558 00:28:08,959 --> 00:28:11,333 Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks in-between, 559 00:28:11,333 --> 00:28:13,000 late-night snack, before breakfast. 560 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:16,000 Nigga, when you was 16, nigga, you bust a nut, 561 00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:19,250 your shit come right back in ten seconds. 562 00:28:19,250 --> 00:28:20,458 "Oh, yeah. Oh, you was good, bitch. 563 00:28:20,458 --> 00:28:22,375 Hey, we ain't done." 564 00:28:23,542 --> 00:28:27,583 Nigga, when I got in my 20s, I could still go, nigga. 565 00:28:27,583 --> 00:28:30,583 Breakfast, lunch, dinner, late-night snack, early mornin'. 566 00:28:30,583 --> 00:28:33,375 Nigga, you get in your 30s, 567 00:28:33,375 --> 00:28:36,375 "Hey, you wanna fuck before we go to work 568 00:28:36,375 --> 00:28:37,875 or when we get off?" 569 00:28:39,041 --> 00:28:41,959 Your ass start gettin' tired, nigga. 570 00:28:41,959 --> 00:28:43,792 Nigga, you get in your 40s, 571 00:28:43,792 --> 00:28:47,125 "Uh, look, we gonna fuck Monday..." 572 00:28:47,125 --> 00:28:49,000 "Wednesday..." 573 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:51,125 "You wanna do Friday after work?" 574 00:28:51,125 --> 00:28:54,375 "Or Saturday after the club?" 575 00:28:54,375 --> 00:28:56,041 Nigger, you get in your 50s... 576 00:28:57,542 --> 00:28:58,542 [laughter] 577 00:28:58,542 --> 00:29:00,875 "Thursday good for me." 578 00:29:02,083 --> 00:29:03,041 "Thursday? Oh, no! 579 00:29:03,041 --> 00:29:06,083 We ain't doin' shit on the weekend, bitch. 580 00:29:06,083 --> 00:29:08,333 That mouth's been drivin' this nigga crazy." 581 00:29:08,333 --> 00:29:10,417 "Sunday's out, bitch. I'm watchin' the game." 582 00:29:10,417 --> 00:29:11,208 "I said Thursday. 583 00:29:11,208 --> 00:29:13,458 Thursday. Thursday then. Yeah." 584 00:29:14,917 --> 00:29:17,875 Nigga, you get 60, 70, 585 00:29:17,875 --> 00:29:23,417 "Uh, lookie here, we gonna fuck December 17. 586 00:29:26,166 --> 00:29:29,792 At approximately 4:37. 587 00:29:29,792 --> 00:29:33,208 I'm gonna put a strong three minutes on ya. 588 00:29:35,083 --> 00:29:38,709 Then I'll see your ass again next year. 589 00:29:38,709 --> 00:29:40,375 If we still alive." 590 00:29:44,792 --> 00:29:47,583 'Cause the older we get, nigga, 591 00:29:47,583 --> 00:29:50,166 God put a tickin' clock on our dick. 592 00:29:50,166 --> 00:29:52,458 It has to die, nigga. 593 00:29:52,458 --> 00:29:55,500 You ain't supposed to have children when you're 77. 594 00:29:55,500 --> 00:29:57,875 You won't be alive 595 00:29:57,875 --> 00:30:00,917 to see the motherfucker graduate grade school. 596 00:30:00,917 --> 00:30:03,709 That's why every year it die a little bit more. 597 00:30:03,709 --> 00:30:06,083 [groans] 598 00:30:06,083 --> 00:30:09,291 But now you got these old niggas be cheatin'. 599 00:30:09,291 --> 00:30:12,625 Yeah, they got them Jesus pills. 600 00:30:12,625 --> 00:30:14,875 Yeah, that's what I call them, nigga. 601 00:30:14,875 --> 00:30:17,625 Them Viagras be givin' the nigga res-erections. 602 00:30:17,917 --> 00:30:18,959 Get it? Res-erections, Jesus pill? 603 00:30:18,959 --> 00:30:21,375 This motherfucker slower than my mother. 604 00:30:22,583 --> 00:30:24,375 You know when you done caught 605 00:30:24,375 --> 00:30:26,166 one of these cheatin' motherfuckers, ladies, 606 00:30:26,166 --> 00:30:29,125 because they be at a club with nothin' but 30-year-olds, 607 00:30:29,125 --> 00:30:31,291 and they ass on the dancefloor, nigga. 608 00:30:31,291 --> 00:30:32,667 The one they got there. 609 00:30:32,667 --> 00:30:34,542 "Yeah! 610 00:30:34,542 --> 00:30:36,333 Yeah! 611 00:30:36,333 --> 00:30:37,041 I'm back in the game! 612 00:30:39,500 --> 00:30:40,166 I'm back in the game. 613 00:30:41,750 --> 00:30:43,375 Ah, ah!" 614 00:30:43,375 --> 00:30:46,500 Nigga, they be tryin' to holler at them young things. 615 00:30:46,500 --> 00:30:48,083 "Hey, hey, hey, what you say over there, candy? 616 00:30:51,417 --> 00:30:53,500 Which one of you bitches wanna automobile?" 617 00:30:54,542 --> 00:30:57,750 They so old, they don't call it a car, nigga. 618 00:30:57,750 --> 00:30:59,500 "Automobile." 619 00:30:59,500 --> 00:31:01,000 And don't laugh, ladies. 620 00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:03,500 Y'all be fadin' them old motherfuckers. 621 00:31:03,500 --> 00:31:04,959 [laughs] "Girl, where you goin'?" 622 00:31:04,959 --> 00:31:06,166 "I'm goin' to get me an automobile." 623 00:31:10,250 --> 00:31:12,000 'Cause they know them old motherfuckers 624 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:14,291 can't fuck longer than ten seconds. 625 00:31:14,291 --> 00:31:16,083 Nigga, they be on them pills. 626 00:31:16,083 --> 00:31:19,542 [groans] 627 00:31:24,750 --> 00:31:27,709 "Felt my heart jump outta my chest. 628 00:31:27,709 --> 00:31:28,583 Slow down, goddammit. 629 00:31:28,583 --> 00:31:31,166 I asked for some pussy, not a casket. 630 00:31:31,166 --> 00:31:33,417 [applause] 631 00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:37,917 Oooh, aaah! 632 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:42,041 [groans] I'm goin' home. Keep the automobile. 633 00:31:43,417 --> 00:31:47,542 Tell your girlfriends about Sweet Papa Willow. 634 00:31:47,542 --> 00:31:49,166 I'll see you next year. 635 00:31:50,083 --> 00:31:54,375 Oh, goddamn, this thing won't go down. 636 00:31:54,375 --> 00:31:57,417 I shoulda put my glasses on when I read the instructions. 637 00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:00,291 I think I took too many of them. 638 00:32:00,291 --> 00:32:04,417 Oh, I can feel my heartbeat throbbing in the mother... 639 00:32:04,417 --> 00:32:06,041 I just gotta fuck somethin', dammit. Shit!" 640 00:32:08,166 --> 00:32:10,125 [mic hitting wall] 641 00:32:18,750 --> 00:32:21,250 They want every one of our black entertainers, 642 00:32:21,250 --> 00:32:25,667 me included, nigga, to have a [indistinct]. 643 00:32:25,667 --> 00:32:27,959 If you in my business and you black, 644 00:32:27,959 --> 00:32:29,166 you not gonna die clean. 645 00:32:31,750 --> 00:32:33,000 They got Tiger Woods. 646 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:34,750 But Tiger helped 'em. 647 00:32:35,917 --> 00:32:39,083 That nigga fucked around and married him a white woman. 648 00:32:39,083 --> 00:32:40,583 Now nothin' against you white women in here, 649 00:32:40,583 --> 00:32:43,333 but this nigga here, no. 650 00:32:43,333 --> 00:32:46,625 [laughs] 651 00:32:46,625 --> 00:32:48,041 No and no, and hell no. 652 00:32:48,041 --> 00:32:51,500 [laughs] See, I do research. 653 00:32:51,500 --> 00:32:56,291 Every famous nigga that's been with a white woman got problems. 654 00:32:56,291 --> 00:33:00,208 O.J.'s still fucked up. 655 00:33:00,208 --> 00:33:02,250 His white woman been dead for years. 656 00:33:02,250 --> 00:33:03,250 Nigga's still fucked up! 657 00:33:07,125 --> 00:33:07,750 Lookit, they got Tiger Woods. 658 00:33:07,750 --> 00:33:09,709 He married one. 659 00:33:09,709 --> 00:33:12,250 And nigga, she got a divorce, 660 00:33:12,250 --> 00:33:15,500 and she left with damn near half a billion dollars, man. 661 00:33:15,500 --> 00:33:18,125 This bitch ain't hit one golf ball. 662 00:33:19,250 --> 00:33:21,875 So you ladies gettin' outta hand with that motherfuckin' 663 00:33:21,875 --> 00:33:24,083 "I'm takin' half of your shit" shit. 664 00:33:24,083 --> 00:33:27,125 How you an independent bitch and runnin' away with money? 665 00:33:27,125 --> 00:33:30,667 If you was here for money... see, if you leave with money, 666 00:33:30,667 --> 00:33:33,667 and this is my honest opinion about the shit. Bitch, 667 00:33:33,667 --> 00:33:36,834 if we equal, I came with dick, you came with pussy. 668 00:33:36,834 --> 00:33:38,625 Let's leave with what we got. 669 00:33:38,625 --> 00:33:40,250 [applause] 670 00:33:40,250 --> 00:33:42,417 How y'all keep tryin' to make pussy 671 00:33:42,417 --> 00:33:43,333 higher case value than dick? 672 00:33:43,333 --> 00:33:45,959 'Cause the bitch always say this shit, 673 00:33:45,959 --> 00:33:47,000 "I gave you all this pussy." 674 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:50,750 "Bitch, I gave you all this dick!" 675 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:53,834 "We even, motherfucker." 676 00:33:55,333 --> 00:33:58,458 And then at the end, they say, "I want half." 677 00:33:58,458 --> 00:34:00,208 See, that's called bein' a ho. 678 00:34:00,208 --> 00:34:02,333 See, if it wasn't about money, bitch, 679 00:34:02,333 --> 00:34:03,917 what you want money for at the end? 680 00:34:03,917 --> 00:34:06,709 See, I'd rather a real ho. 681 00:34:06,709 --> 00:34:10,041 They just tell you up front, "$500 tonight, nigga, one hour." 682 00:34:10,375 --> 00:34:12,208 Not these long-term sneaky hoes. 683 00:34:12,208 --> 00:34:14,166 "I don't want your money, Eddie." 684 00:34:16,458 --> 00:34:18,250 'Til they're in the divorce court. 685 00:34:18,250 --> 00:34:19,667 "I want it all, nigga. 686 00:34:20,208 --> 00:34:23,000 "You been fuckin' me for years." 687 00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:27,291 "Yep. That's what people do when they together, motherfucker." 688 00:34:28,291 --> 00:34:30,917 This bitch left with half a billion dollars. 689 00:34:30,917 --> 00:34:34,542 Nigga, not on my watch. 690 00:34:34,542 --> 00:34:36,709 She lucky she wasn't my wife, nigga. 691 00:34:36,709 --> 00:34:37,750 They'd have found her. 692 00:34:40,041 --> 00:34:41,709 I swear to God, nigga. 693 00:34:41,709 --> 00:34:43,917 Let me explain somethin' to you beautiful ladies 694 00:34:43,917 --> 00:34:45,333 in my audience tonight. 695 00:34:45,333 --> 00:34:48,250 I love each and every one of you motherfuckers, 696 00:34:48,250 --> 00:34:53,208 but not one of y'all got a pussy worth half a billion dollars. 697 00:34:53,208 --> 00:34:54,959 Now, it might be some $250 pussies up 698 00:34:54,959 --> 00:34:58,250 in this motherfucker... 699 00:34:58,250 --> 00:35:01,583 It might be some $2,500 pussies up in this motherfucker... 700 00:35:01,583 --> 00:35:04,000 Might be some $10,000 on a Saturday, nigga, 701 00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:06,542 because you been wantin' to fuck Halle Berry for a while. 702 00:35:06,542 --> 00:35:10,834 But it ain't no half a billion dollar pussies on Earth. 703 00:35:10,834 --> 00:35:13,375 Niggas, trying to take that bitch fishin'. 704 00:35:16,250 --> 00:35:19,125 That's why billionaires have yachts. 705 00:35:19,125 --> 00:35:21,166 [applause] 706 00:35:21,166 --> 00:35:23,250 "What happened to her?" "She fell overboard. 707 00:35:24,542 --> 00:35:26,041 I tried to save her." 708 00:35:26,041 --> 00:35:28,917 Nigga, we get back to shore, 709 00:35:28,917 --> 00:35:30,083 I'll put seaweed around my own neck. 710 00:35:30,083 --> 00:35:31,792 "I jumped in. I tried everything. 711 00:35:31,792 --> 00:35:34,625 To save that bitch. 712 00:35:34,625 --> 00:35:35,625 I mean my wife." 713 00:35:36,709 --> 00:35:37,417 "What happened to her?" 714 00:35:37,417 --> 00:35:38,959 "The sharks just ate her up. 715 00:35:38,959 --> 00:35:40,792 Them white sharks. 716 00:35:40,792 --> 00:35:42,709 Yeah. They racist. 717 00:35:42,709 --> 00:35:45,041 They only eat white people." 718 00:35:45,041 --> 00:35:47,291 That's why they call them great white sharks. 719 00:35:47,291 --> 00:35:48,959 They only eat white people. 720 00:35:48,959 --> 00:35:51,625 Even the shark is racist in this goddamn country. 721 00:35:51,625 --> 00:35:54,250 They asked the shark, "Would you eat a nigga?" 722 00:35:54,250 --> 00:35:56,458 "No, no. They're tough. I tried one. 723 00:35:56,458 --> 00:35:58,959 I lost a lot of teeth. They fight back." 724 00:36:00,959 --> 00:36:03,375 Mexicans...[laughs], 725 00:36:03,375 --> 00:36:05,250 Mexicans, y'all don't know how good y'all got it. 726 00:36:05,250 --> 00:36:07,959 You know, even though they got all this shit. 727 00:36:07,959 --> 00:36:10,417 They fuckin' with Mexicans now 728 00:36:10,417 --> 00:36:12,625 with this DACA shit and all this. 729 00:36:12,625 --> 00:36:14,750 They fuckin' with really the brain drain 730 00:36:14,750 --> 00:36:16,250 that comes from India and other motherfuckin' nations 731 00:36:16,250 --> 00:36:19,000 that got a better education system 732 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:20,291 that come over here to get educated 733 00:36:20,291 --> 00:36:22,625 and run these motherfuckin' companies. 734 00:36:22,625 --> 00:36:24,792 Nigga, they fuckin' with the Mexicans, nigga, 735 00:36:24,792 --> 00:36:27,834 for some fuckin' reason. I'm here to tell you, nigga. 736 00:36:27,834 --> 00:36:30,166 Um, [sighs] Mexicans, y'all don't know how good you got it. 737 00:36:30,166 --> 00:36:33,166 See, when white people fuck with y'all, 738 00:36:33,166 --> 00:36:33,333 Mexico right next door. 739 00:36:34,959 --> 00:36:36,333 Yeah. You can walk home. 740 00:36:41,250 --> 00:36:42,291 Nigga, if Africa was that close... 741 00:36:45,875 --> 00:36:48,625 Now you get what the fuck I'm talkin' about. 742 00:36:48,625 --> 00:36:50,834 Nigga, that first whip [mimics whipping sound], 743 00:36:50,834 --> 00:36:52,709 "Get the children. We are walking home. 744 00:36:53,375 --> 00:36:54,667 Get the children, woman. 745 00:36:54,667 --> 00:36:56,709 We're gettin' outta this motherfucker. 746 00:36:56,709 --> 00:37:00,750 Who do you think you are hitting me, you son of a bitch! 747 00:37:00,750 --> 00:37:03,375 I do not work for free, you motherfucker. 748 00:37:03,375 --> 00:37:06,750 My name is not Tyrone. It is not motherfuckin' Leroy. 749 00:37:06,750 --> 00:37:07,458 It is Shaka. 750 00:37:09,750 --> 00:37:12,709 Fuck you! Get the woman. Children, let's go. 751 00:37:12,709 --> 00:37:13,500 We are walking out this, bitch." 752 00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:20,583 It'd be a mass exodus. 753 00:37:20,583 --> 00:37:21,875 And then white people, 754 00:37:21,875 --> 00:37:24,834 you would finally have your dream. 755 00:37:24,834 --> 00:37:29,750 An all-white America. Confederate flags everywhere. 756 00:37:29,750 --> 00:37:34,375 Not a nigga in sight. This country wouldn't be shit. 757 00:37:34,375 --> 00:37:36,083 [chatter] 758 00:37:36,083 --> 00:37:39,917 There would be no open-brain surgery. 759 00:37:39,917 --> 00:37:42,792 We did that. 760 00:37:42,792 --> 00:37:46,542 There would be no open-heart surgery. 761 00:37:46,542 --> 00:37:47,250 We did that. 762 00:37:47,250 --> 00:37:50,750 There would be no street lights. 763 00:37:50,750 --> 00:37:52,917 That's why they red, yellow, and green. 764 00:37:52,917 --> 00:37:54,291 Jamaican flag, nigga. 765 00:37:54,291 --> 00:37:57,417 [applause] 766 00:37:57,417 --> 00:38:00,709 If somebody white did it, it'd be red, white, and blue. 767 00:38:00,709 --> 00:38:02,250 You go on the blue. 768 00:38:02,250 --> 00:38:05,166 Music wouldn't be shit. 769 00:38:05,166 --> 00:38:07,500 There would be no blues four-bar progression. 770 00:38:07,500 --> 00:38:09,750 There would be no rock 'n' roll. 771 00:38:09,750 --> 00:38:12,250 We created that motherfucker extension of the blues. 772 00:38:12,250 --> 00:38:14,875 That's right, white folks. We takin' our shit back. 773 00:38:14,875 --> 00:38:17,083 You better go to Chuck Berry's grave 774 00:38:17,083 --> 00:38:19,166 and find out who did this shit. 775 00:38:19,166 --> 00:38:22,709 There would be no R&B . There would be no funk. 776 00:38:22,709 --> 00:38:24,125 There would be no jazz. 777 00:38:24,125 --> 00:38:25,959 There would be no bee-bop 778 00:38:25,959 --> 00:38:27,041 turnin' into hip-hop non-stop motherfucker 779 00:38:27,041 --> 00:38:29,917 goin' 'round the clock, niggas, until you drop. 780 00:38:29,917 --> 00:38:31,041 [applause and cheers] 781 00:38:31,041 --> 00:38:32,125 There would be no gospel worth listenin' to. 782 00:38:32,125 --> 00:38:34,542 [chatter and laughter] 783 00:38:38,375 --> 00:38:40,625 All there'd be left, nigga, is twang-twang. 784 00:38:43,875 --> 00:38:44,458 Twang-twang. 785 00:38:47,375 --> 00:38:50,709 Twang-twang. 786 00:38:50,709 --> 00:38:54,458 ♪ She ran off with Petey ♪ 787 00:38:54,458 --> 00:38:58,291 ♪ My favorite dog ♪ 788 00:38:58,291 --> 00:39:03,458 ♪ I only know where four-legged fuckers go ♪ 789 00:39:03,458 --> 00:39:05,667 Nigga suicide rate would go up 2000%. 790 00:39:09,792 --> 00:39:14,625 The national anthem would not be worth listenin' to. 791 00:39:14,625 --> 00:39:17,000 Nigga, whenever we sing it... 792 00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:20,667 Nigga, Whitney sung it so well, God rest that sista's soul. 793 00:39:20,667 --> 00:39:21,500 [applause and cheers] 794 00:39:21,500 --> 00:39:23,500 When Sista Whitney sung it, nigga, 795 00:39:23,500 --> 00:39:27,709 she sung it so well it made a nigga feel like 796 00:39:27,709 --> 00:39:29,625 they really wanted us in this country. 797 00:39:31,375 --> 00:39:32,417 You understand me? 798 00:39:32,417 --> 00:39:34,458 The beginnin' of a baseball game, 799 00:39:34,458 --> 00:39:36,375 Whitney would get to hittin' that motherfucker, 800 00:39:36,375 --> 00:39:40,709 "Oh say... can you see... I see... 801 00:39:40,709 --> 00:39:43,125 By the dawn, early in the mornin' light... 802 00:39:43,125 --> 00:39:46,625 light it up, light it up." 803 00:39:46,625 --> 00:39:49,166 Nigga, you leave the baseball game all hyped... 804 00:39:49,166 --> 00:39:51,375 "Nigga [indistinct] shit, nigga." 805 00:39:51,375 --> 00:39:52,875 Police pull you over. 806 00:39:52,875 --> 00:39:55,542 [hitting mic] 807 00:39:55,542 --> 00:39:58,041 "Fuck this motherfuckin' country! 808 00:39:58,041 --> 00:39:58,709 Fuck that goddamn song, too." 809 00:40:03,125 --> 00:40:06,375 Y'all would never win another summer Olympics, white folks. 810 00:40:06,375 --> 00:40:07,417 I'm sorry. 811 00:40:07,417 --> 00:40:13,041 Scott, Bob, Jill... Sally. 812 00:40:16,959 --> 00:40:18,792 No more gold in the summer. 813 00:40:18,792 --> 00:40:21,458 I don't even know why white folks show up 814 00:40:21,458 --> 00:40:22,750 to the summer Olympics. 815 00:40:22,750 --> 00:40:25,417 You not gonna beat a nigga in the heat. 816 00:40:26,583 --> 00:40:30,542 We from the hottest continent on Earth. 817 00:40:30,542 --> 00:40:34,959 Africa. Originally known as Alkebulan. 818 00:40:34,959 --> 00:40:37,083 You not gonna beat a nigga in the heat, man. 819 00:40:37,083 --> 00:40:39,583 Y'understand me? 820 00:40:39,583 --> 00:40:42,125 Why do you show up for a foot race against black people? 821 00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:47,083 Do you really think you can beat us runnin'? 822 00:40:47,083 --> 00:40:50,083 We got too much practice, nigga. 823 00:40:50,083 --> 00:40:53,083 We run from our parents. "Put it down, nigga! 824 00:40:53,083 --> 00:40:55,750 I told you when we get to the store, 825 00:40:55,750 --> 00:40:57,917 you don't pick up a motherfuckin' dime." 826 00:40:57,917 --> 00:40:59,208 We run from gangs. 827 00:40:59,208 --> 00:41:01,125 "Come here, nigga. Where my shit at?" 828 00:41:01,125 --> 00:41:02,709 "I don't know, cuz!" 829 00:41:03,875 --> 00:41:05,291 We run from the police. 830 00:41:05,291 --> 00:41:07,000 "Well, what do you got?" 831 00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:11,333 "Well, uh, a lollipop. Oh, goddamn!" 832 00:41:11,333 --> 00:41:14,792 You see, police helicopters can't catch niggas. 833 00:41:14,792 --> 00:41:16,875 You watch that shit, First 48 ? 834 00:41:16,875 --> 00:41:19,500 Helicopter: "We lost him again. 835 00:41:19,500 --> 00:41:23,208 Oh, the nigga jumped over two houses and made a left." 836 00:41:27,500 --> 00:41:29,709 You know that race they got, nigga, 837 00:41:29,709 --> 00:41:31,792 the 100-meter dash, nigga? 838 00:41:31,792 --> 00:41:37,458 And it's always 27 niggas from 27 nigga countries. 839 00:41:37,458 --> 00:41:39,417 One white dude. 840 00:41:39,417 --> 00:41:43,208 And you can see on his face when he gettin' in the blocks. 841 00:41:49,709 --> 00:41:51,000 "[grunts] Oh! 842 00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:56,000 I'm gonna be lookin' at a lot o' nigga ass in a minute." 843 00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:58,250 Get it, 'cause they in front of him. 844 00:42:00,291 --> 00:42:04,750 The one race that white people think they can beat us in 845 00:42:04,750 --> 00:42:06,166 is the long-distance race. 846 00:42:06,166 --> 00:42:08,667 You see 'em practicin' out here in Boston 847 00:42:08,667 --> 00:42:11,417 at the marathon, New York. "Hey, what are you doin'?" 848 00:42:11,417 --> 00:42:13,959 "I'm getting ready for the niggas. 849 00:42:15,458 --> 00:42:18,291 Oh, you gotta train. They just got natural ability." 850 00:42:20,333 --> 00:42:22,667 Train as you may, white folks, 851 00:42:22,667 --> 00:42:26,625 you not gonna beat them three Ethiopians. 852 00:42:26,625 --> 00:42:30,333 [cheers and applause] 853 00:42:31,417 --> 00:42:32,375 Regular niggas from America 854 00:42:32,375 --> 00:42:36,333 can't beat them motherfuckers. 855 00:42:36,333 --> 00:42:41,041 Them eggheads always come in first, second, third, nigga. 856 00:42:41,041 --> 00:42:43,166 You not fuckin' with the eggheads, nigga. 857 00:42:43,166 --> 00:42:46,750 They got them eggheads. Body skin and bones. 858 00:42:46,750 --> 00:42:50,000 They used to runnin' for weeks. 859 00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:52,458 Chasin' gazelles for sustenance. 860 00:42:57,792 --> 00:42:59,542 Nigga, gazelles will be fallin' down. 861 00:42:59,542 --> 00:43:02,417 "One of us is going to have to take one. 862 00:43:03,750 --> 00:43:06,500 You are the weak one. Only the strong can survive." 863 00:43:07,750 --> 00:43:09,250 "No, they chased my cousin two weeks ago. 864 00:43:09,250 --> 00:43:11,417 They don't stop. 865 00:43:11,417 --> 00:43:13,834 They smile when they run. 866 00:43:13,834 --> 00:43:15,750 I can hear their teeth chattering in the distance." 867 00:43:21,250 --> 00:43:24,250 Now you know how motherfuckers come across the line, nigga, 868 00:43:24,250 --> 00:43:26,083 at the end of the race? 869 00:43:26,083 --> 00:43:28,583 They be tired, niggas. They ran for two days. 870 00:43:31,750 --> 00:43:33,959 "Can I get some water, some water? 871 00:43:33,959 --> 00:43:35,917 Give me some fuckin' water!" 872 00:43:35,917 --> 00:43:38,709 Nigga, them Ethiopians come across the line... 873 00:43:42,834 --> 00:43:44,750 [applause] 874 00:43:49,625 --> 00:43:50,875 "You want some water?" 875 00:43:50,875 --> 00:43:52,208 "I never touch the stuff. 876 00:43:54,375 --> 00:43:57,291 The blood of the gazelle is all the sustenance I need. 877 00:43:57,291 --> 00:44:00,542 Who wants to run again?" 878 00:44:11,959 --> 00:44:14,125 Nigga, y'all goin' to church this Sunday? 879 00:44:14,125 --> 00:44:16,291 I suggest everybody get your ass to church 880 00:44:16,291 --> 00:44:19,208 and get your money back. 881 00:44:23,667 --> 00:44:26,625 Hurry up, goddammit it! 882 00:44:26,625 --> 00:44:28,959 If Joel Osteen didn't prove to you finally 883 00:44:28,959 --> 00:44:31,125 what I've been tryin' to tell you 884 00:44:31,125 --> 00:44:33,125 for 30 motherfuckin' years... 885 00:44:33,125 --> 00:44:39,583 It's a goddamn scam, man! God don't live in no church. 886 00:44:39,583 --> 00:44:42,417 Nowhere in the Bible, and I read it 17 times, 887 00:44:42,417 --> 00:44:45,375 nowhere in it does it say, 888 00:44:45,375 --> 00:44:47,667 "Build me a house on Fifth and Nowhere. 889 00:44:47,667 --> 00:44:50,542 I only like stained-glass windows. 890 00:44:50,542 --> 00:44:52,500 'Cause I don't want nobody lookin' in on the hustle. 891 00:44:52,500 --> 00:44:54,458 I mean, the truth. 892 00:44:56,834 --> 00:44:59,792 I want hard wooden benches in there 893 00:44:59,792 --> 00:45:02,792 'cause I don't want nobody comfortable. 894 00:45:02,792 --> 00:45:07,875 I need a greasy nigga with a perm 895 00:45:07,875 --> 00:45:12,834 whose neck looks like a half a pack of hot dogs. 896 00:45:12,834 --> 00:45:17,750 Who's a silver-tongued mackin' motherfucker. 897 00:45:17,750 --> 00:45:21,375 And he sweats before he starts talkin'. 898 00:45:21,375 --> 00:45:22,875 'Cause he's from Hell." 899 00:45:22,875 --> 00:45:24,875 "What you gonna call him?" 900 00:45:24,875 --> 00:45:24,917 "The preacher. 901 00:45:26,959 --> 00:45:32,709 I need 12 to 15 fat bucket o' chicken-eatin' bitches 902 00:45:32,709 --> 00:45:33,709 with curtains on." 903 00:45:33,709 --> 00:45:36,166 "What you gonna call them?" 904 00:45:36,166 --> 00:45:39,083 "The choir. 905 00:45:39,083 --> 00:45:43,083 I need two homosexuals with tambourines." 906 00:45:43,083 --> 00:45:45,875 "Why they there?" "I don't know. 907 00:45:45,875 --> 00:45:49,333 I just like how they shake it." 908 00:45:49,333 --> 00:45:51,709 I need an old nigga who's senile. 909 00:45:51,709 --> 00:45:53,333 Dress him in purple. 910 00:45:53,333 --> 00:45:58,375 Put a lot of medals on him. Sit him right next to the pew." 911 00:45:58,375 --> 00:45:59,750 "What you gonna call him?" 912 00:45:59,750 --> 00:46:00,792 "The deacon." 913 00:46:00,792 --> 00:46:03,375 "What you gonna call this organization?" 914 00:46:03,375 --> 00:46:05,917 "Church." 915 00:46:05,917 --> 00:46:07,792 Nigga, church done got so bad, 916 00:46:07,792 --> 00:46:09,875 they got ATM machines in the motherfuckers. 917 00:46:12,083 --> 00:46:13,750 Am I bullshittin'? 918 00:46:13,750 --> 00:46:15,959 And nigga, here's how these preachers preach nowadays. 919 00:46:15,959 --> 00:46:18,542 I'm tellin' you, the church is in trouble. 920 00:46:18,542 --> 00:46:19,875 Them motherfuckers be in there, 921 00:46:19,875 --> 00:46:22,583 "Oh, yeah, welcome to God's house. 922 00:46:22,583 --> 00:46:25,917 Thank you. Uh-huh. 923 00:46:25,917 --> 00:46:27,834 Now, you're here. 924 00:46:27,834 --> 00:46:32,709 You see we have installed an ATM machine 925 00:46:32,709 --> 00:46:38,291 'cause some of y'all have been not bringin' God's money. 926 00:46:38,291 --> 00:46:41,875 Now you pay your light bill. You pay your gas bill. 927 00:46:41,875 --> 00:46:45,041 You pay your taxes. Uncle Sam get his. 928 00:46:45,041 --> 00:46:46,500 God can't have his? 929 00:46:46,500 --> 00:46:51,792 That's why I installed the hot boilin' waters of correction. 930 00:46:51,792 --> 00:46:55,083 Now, a lot of y'all see the flames 931 00:46:55,083 --> 00:46:57,291 at the bottom of the bathtub... 932 00:46:57,291 --> 00:47:02,083 You see Brother Williams didn't bring God money last Sunday. 933 00:47:02,083 --> 00:47:02,959 You're probably lookin' at 934 00:47:02,959 --> 00:47:05,583 these two large swollen niggas here 935 00:47:05,583 --> 00:47:07,917 wonderin' what they purpose is. 936 00:47:07,917 --> 00:47:10,667 Go get Brother Williams. Bring him up here." 937 00:47:10,667 --> 00:47:13,375 They dip that nigga in the hot, boilin' water and... 938 00:47:13,375 --> 00:47:14,583 [screams] 939 00:47:14,583 --> 00:47:17,000 "Sound like he's screamin', don't it? 940 00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:20,667 That's not what it is. That's the demons leavin' him. 941 00:47:20,667 --> 00:47:22,709 Look at how fast he ran 942 00:47:22,709 --> 00:47:26,959 to get God's money outta the brand-new ATM machine. 943 00:47:26,959 --> 00:47:29,041 Is there anybody else in here late with the Lord's issue?" 944 00:47:35,375 --> 00:47:39,000 The only difference between a white church 945 00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:41,000 and a black church. 946 00:47:41,000 --> 00:47:43,500 White church will fuck your son. 947 00:47:45,083 --> 00:47:46,000 I don't like false indignation. 948 00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:49,125 Y'all watch the same goddamn news I watch. 949 00:47:49,125 --> 00:47:51,959 Them priests been little-boy fuckin' for quite a while. 950 00:47:51,959 --> 00:47:55,208 That's why they wear them white robes, nigga. 951 00:47:55,208 --> 00:47:56,834 They buck naked underneath. 952 00:47:56,834 --> 00:47:59,083 They don't even walk to the pulpit. 953 00:47:59,083 --> 00:47:59,250 They float. 954 00:48:00,041 --> 00:48:02,375 'Cause little Timmy underneath there 955 00:48:02,375 --> 00:48:05,000 butt-ass naked on roller skates suckin' dick. 956 00:48:05,000 --> 00:48:07,375 Now you can go on. 957 00:48:09,959 --> 00:48:13,709 Black church will fuck your wife. 958 00:48:13,709 --> 00:48:17,083 Nigga, if your wife is sittin' on the front row at church 959 00:48:17,083 --> 00:48:18,583 every Sunday, 960 00:48:18,583 --> 00:48:20,875 you might wanna ask that bitch a couple of questions. 961 00:48:20,875 --> 00:48:23,041 What position was you in 962 00:48:23,041 --> 00:48:26,041 to get this motherfucker position every Sunday? 963 00:48:26,041 --> 00:48:28,709 'Cause only a black preacher will ask your ass 964 00:48:28,709 --> 00:48:30,208 some shit like this. 965 00:48:30,208 --> 00:48:35,083 "Lookie here, I was wonderin' if your wife could stay after 966 00:48:35,083 --> 00:48:39,333 for a little private Bible study." 967 00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:42,291 "Uh, lookie here, what the fuck you gonna tell my bitch 968 00:48:42,291 --> 00:48:47,333 you ain't gonna tell the rest of these bitches in here? 969 00:48:47,333 --> 00:48:49,959 So let me explain me to you, partner. 970 00:48:49,959 --> 00:48:52,583 I don't believe none of this bullshit of motherfucker 971 00:48:52,583 --> 00:48:54,750 sleepin' in the whale for three months. 972 00:48:54,750 --> 00:48:57,792 I don't know what the fuck this cartoon shit is. 973 00:48:57,792 --> 00:49:00,417 I only come here to keep this bitch happy. 974 00:49:00,417 --> 00:49:02,959 I don't give a fuck about you, greasy nigga. 975 00:49:02,959 --> 00:49:03,959 Now, ask me another motherfuckin' question 976 00:49:03,959 --> 00:49:07,417 and I got a last question for you. 977 00:49:07,417 --> 00:49:09,250 How about if I blow your motherfuckin' brains out 978 00:49:09,250 --> 00:49:14,959 so you can see what you thinkin' is some bullshit?" 979 00:49:14,959 --> 00:49:18,458 "Well, I can see that you was the wrong nigga to ask. 980 00:49:18,458 --> 00:49:20,333 I'll see you at the church picnic." 981 00:49:28,917 --> 00:49:31,000 God is free. Don't forget it. 982 00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:33,041 God don't need no money. Never wanted no money, nigga. 983 00:49:33,041 --> 00:49:35,959 Them Romans wrote that in the book. 984 00:49:35,959 --> 00:49:37,542 Tithing. God want ten%. 985 00:49:37,542 --> 00:49:40,750 What the fuck would God want ten% of what he already own? 986 00:49:40,750 --> 00:49:41,583 He own everything. 987 00:49:41,583 --> 00:49:43,083 That's like me rippin' my sleeve off, 988 00:49:43,083 --> 00:49:46,458 stickin' it in my pocket. I already got it. 989 00:49:47,083 --> 00:49:48,792 Every church I been to, 990 00:49:48,792 --> 00:49:53,083 not one of them got a tube to suck the money up to God. 991 00:49:53,083 --> 00:49:55,917 But the greasy nigga with a perm got a mansion, a private jet, 992 00:49:55,917 --> 00:49:58,750 a helicopter, four hoes and a dog. 993 00:50:00,959 --> 00:50:03,875 You can't pimp a pimp, player. 994 00:50:03,875 --> 00:50:05,875 I ain't givin' you a dime, motherfucker. 995 00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:09,166 Fuck you. God free. Get on your knees. 996 00:50:09,166 --> 00:50:11,000 Pray direct to the source, nigga. 997 00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:13,166 He don't need no middle man, nigga. 998 00:50:13,166 --> 00:50:15,667 Read the book. Just don't go to church. 999 00:50:15,667 --> 00:50:17,125 Read it for yourself, nigga. 1000 00:50:17,125 --> 00:50:19,959 You know how to read. Who is this nigga? 1001 00:50:19,959 --> 00:50:21,000 Who made this nigga the liaison? 1002 00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:24,375 "You can only get to the Lord through me." 1003 00:50:25,458 --> 00:50:27,625 Read the motherfucker. 1004 00:50:27,625 --> 00:50:30,750 God said, "If two or more come in my name, 1005 00:50:30,750 --> 00:50:33,375 I'm in the presence." Ain't that what he said? 1006 00:50:33,375 --> 00:50:36,000 Well, there's more than two of us. 1007 00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:40,166 I brought the nigga name up. That mean he here. 1008 00:50:40,166 --> 00:50:42,041 Welcome to church, you motherfuckers. 1009 00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:46,834 Now, here at the Eddie Griffin church, 1010 00:50:46,834 --> 00:50:47,959 I ain't gonna pass the plate around. 1011 00:50:47,959 --> 00:50:50,458 I charged your ass up front. 1012 00:50:52,375 --> 00:50:53,250 I'm honest about my shit. 1013 00:50:55,250 --> 00:50:59,208 Boston, y'all a fun bunch of motherfuckers. 1014 00:50:59,208 --> 00:51:02,291 [applause and cheers] 1015 00:51:09,208 --> 00:51:11,041 No, really. Y'all some fun motherfuckers. 1016 00:51:11,041 --> 00:51:13,250 [Woman] Thank you! - Now lookie here. 1017 00:51:13,250 --> 00:51:15,041 [Man] You are, too. - Oh shit! 1018 00:51:15,041 --> 00:51:17,417 Thirty years. You could tell. 1019 00:51:17,417 --> 00:51:20,667 I still love doin' this shit. [crowd] Yeah! 1020 00:51:20,667 --> 00:51:22,250 [applause] 1021 00:51:22,250 --> 00:51:24,667 - Now, uh, [laughs] 1022 00:51:26,625 --> 00:51:34,667 if I offended anybody in this audience tonight, fuck you. 1023 00:51:34,667 --> 00:51:37,125 These are the jokes. Ha-ha. 1024 00:51:37,125 --> 00:51:39,750 If you check your ticket, motherfucker, 1025 00:51:39,750 --> 00:51:41,750 it said comedy show. 1026 00:51:41,750 --> 00:51:43,125 It didn't say serious show. 1027 00:51:43,125 --> 00:51:45,375 If you took any of these soliloquies 1028 00:51:45,375 --> 00:51:48,417 that flew outta my mouth serious, you got a problem. 1029 00:51:48,417 --> 00:51:50,583 Go get another Cab Sav. Sit down. 1030 00:51:50,583 --> 00:51:51,500 Discuss it with somebody. 1031 00:51:51,500 --> 00:51:55,291 You got hang-ups, you motherfucker. 1032 00:51:55,291 --> 00:51:58,834 If I offended any white people in here this evening, 1033 00:51:58,834 --> 00:52:00,750 I was talkin' about racist white people. 1034 00:52:00,750 --> 00:52:03,250 If you were offended, 1035 00:52:03,250 --> 00:52:06,375 then you the motherfucker I was talkin' to. 1036 00:52:06,375 --> 00:52:08,375 [applause] 1037 00:52:14,917 --> 00:52:19,375 If I offended any Mexicans in here tonight, 1038 00:52:19,375 --> 00:52:20,792 prove me wrong. 1039 00:52:22,625 --> 00:52:27,083 Why the fuck do you like workin' hard all the goddamn time? 1040 00:52:27,083 --> 00:52:28,250 Be late like a nigga sometimes. 1041 00:52:32,375 --> 00:52:37,125 If I offended any Asians in here tonight, [laughs] 1042 00:52:37,125 --> 00:52:40,250 cook somethin' without rice. 1043 00:52:40,250 --> 00:52:42,917 Shrimp fried rice, chicken fried Rice. 1044 00:52:42,917 --> 00:52:44,417 Rice, rice, rice. 1045 00:52:44,417 --> 00:52:46,959 People don't want rice in every goddamn thing! 1046 00:52:46,959 --> 00:52:49,709 How about some shrimp fried collard greens? 1047 00:52:49,709 --> 00:52:52,583 That shit sound good to a motherfucker, don't it? 1048 00:52:52,583 --> 00:52:54,667 Throw some cayenne pepper on that bitch. 1049 00:52:54,667 --> 00:52:56,500 [laughs] 1050 00:52:58,417 --> 00:53:01,834 If I offended any African Americans 1051 00:53:01,834 --> 00:53:03,792 in here this evening, 1052 00:53:03,792 --> 00:53:06,500 welcome home, you boojee-ass niggas. 1053 00:53:15,166 --> 00:53:20,000 If I offended [laughs] any ladies and women 1054 00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:21,333 in here this evening, [laughs], 1055 00:53:21,333 --> 00:53:26,834 I was talkin' about bitches and hoes. 1056 00:53:26,834 --> 00:53:27,667 If you were offended... 1057 00:53:27,667 --> 00:53:33,375 [laughter] 1058 00:53:39,709 --> 00:53:47,667 If I offended any Christians in here tonight, go to Hell... 1059 00:53:47,667 --> 00:53:49,458 [laughter] 1060 00:53:49,458 --> 00:53:52,250 with gasoline-dipped drawers. 1061 00:53:52,250 --> 00:53:54,834 That way, you ignite on arrival. 1062 00:53:54,834 --> 00:53:58,417 I don't want you to miss none of your flame time. 1063 00:53:58,417 --> 00:53:59,625 Can't stand Christians, 1064 00:53:59,625 --> 00:54:01,417 the most judgmental motherfuckers on Earth. 1065 00:54:01,417 --> 00:54:03,875 Only a goddamn Christian, "You goin' to Hell." 1066 00:54:03,875 --> 00:54:06,792 How the fuck you know? Like God came down. 1067 00:54:06,792 --> 00:54:09,041 "Oh, let that nigga know he's goin' to Hell. 1068 00:54:09,041 --> 00:54:11,667 I'm kinda busy right now." 1069 00:54:11,667 --> 00:54:14,375 Obviously you didn't read your own book again, motherfucker. 1070 00:54:14,375 --> 00:54:16,750 It says, "Judge lest you be judged." 1071 00:54:16,750 --> 00:54:18,250 Only God can judge me. 1072 00:54:18,250 --> 00:54:21,083 You could sit back and enjoy the show 1073 00:54:21,083 --> 00:54:25,875 and shut the fuck up, you hypocrite motherfuckers. 1074 00:54:25,875 --> 00:54:28,417 Out smokin' dicks and weed all week, 1075 00:54:28,417 --> 00:54:30,959 then puttin' $20 on the plate on Sunday 1076 00:54:30,959 --> 00:54:33,083 and think you paid for your transgressions. 1077 00:54:33,083 --> 00:54:35,375 Like God can't see past your fuck-ass charade. 1078 00:54:35,375 --> 00:54:38,625 At least I'm honest with my heavenly Father. 1079 00:54:38,625 --> 00:54:40,583 You know I drink. 1080 00:54:40,583 --> 00:54:44,417 You know I smoke, not just cigarettes. 1081 00:54:44,417 --> 00:54:48,083 And I'm fuckin' on a bitch I'm not married to. 1082 00:54:48,083 --> 00:54:50,834 You made the position. You made it so good. 1083 00:54:53,542 --> 00:54:56,500 Hey, a pussy like M&Ms. You can't eat just one. 1084 00:55:04,667 --> 00:55:07,542 If I offended any Muslims in here, As-Salaam-Alaikum. 1085 00:55:07,542 --> 00:55:12,583 I'm not fuckin' with them. They'll blow us up, nigga. 1086 00:55:12,583 --> 00:55:15,208 [laughs] 1087 00:55:21,583 --> 00:55:25,709 Hey, that was a joke. As-Salaam-Alaikum. 1088 00:55:25,709 --> 00:55:26,417 Al-hamdulillah, al-hamdulillah, nigga. 1089 00:55:28,333 --> 00:55:30,667 Inshallah, nigga, inshallah. 1090 00:55:34,125 --> 00:55:39,667 Nigga. Nigga, I was... 1091 00:55:42,834 --> 00:55:44,709 Fuck y'all, nigga. 1092 00:55:44,709 --> 00:55:46,250 My brain poppin', nigga. 1093 00:55:49,000 --> 00:55:49,458 Imagine bein' a sperm, nigga. 1094 00:55:52,500 --> 00:55:55,792 I was just thinkin' about this shit. 1095 00:55:55,792 --> 00:55:59,166 Imagine nigga sperm just swimmin' around in a nigga dick 1096 00:55:59,166 --> 00:56:01,458 that ain't gettin' no pussy. 1097 00:56:07,166 --> 00:56:10,166 "This sure is some bullshit, man. 1098 00:56:10,166 --> 00:56:13,792 Nigga, we been down here for five years, man. 1099 00:56:13,792 --> 00:56:16,875 I ain't never gonna see the light o' day again. 1100 00:56:16,875 --> 00:56:21,208 This nigga, I swear to God he ain't shit! 1101 00:56:21,208 --> 00:56:26,375 Why we gotta be in this nigga's dick?" 1102 00:56:26,375 --> 00:56:29,041 It look like he gonna get some pussy, nigga. 1103 00:56:29,041 --> 00:56:30,667 "All right, everybody line up. This is it. 1104 00:56:30,667 --> 00:56:33,542 Line up, niggas. This motherfucker's got some." 1105 00:56:33,542 --> 00:56:36,917 Nigga, the Old Sperm come by. 1106 00:56:36,917 --> 00:56:39,208 "Y'all don't wanna go out there. 1107 00:56:39,208 --> 00:56:42,542 This shit ain't real. 1108 00:56:42,542 --> 00:56:44,375 That nigga jackin' off. 1109 00:56:44,375 --> 00:56:47,542 You gonna end up on a towel. 1110 00:56:47,542 --> 00:56:51,709 Dry and crunchy. 1111 00:56:51,709 --> 00:56:56,125 I lost 50 billion sons that way. 1112 00:56:56,125 --> 00:56:58,250 It ain't never been real with this motherfucker. 1113 00:56:58,250 --> 00:57:01,709 That's how I'm still here, nigga. 1114 00:57:01,709 --> 00:57:04,583 I know when it's real. Shit!" 1115 00:57:04,583 --> 00:57:07,417 Any motherfucker get some pussy, nigga, 1116 00:57:07,417 --> 00:57:09,709 and they come out and got a condom on. 1117 00:57:11,250 --> 00:57:13,583 "Back up. This ain't it! 1118 00:57:13,583 --> 00:57:18,208 Back up! I can see it. 1119 00:57:18,208 --> 00:57:20,041 Stop pushin'! Stop pushin'!" 1120 00:57:22,917 --> 00:57:25,542 Then the motherfucker flush the condom down the toilet. 1121 00:57:25,542 --> 00:57:27,250 "We shoulda listened to the old man." 1122 00:57:27,250 --> 00:57:31,000 [applause and laughter] 1123 00:57:36,583 --> 00:57:42,917 Say you finally, you, you finally consummate 1124 00:57:42,917 --> 00:57:44,792 your relationship and you havin' sex without a condom. 1125 00:57:44,792 --> 00:57:49,625 And they get to come out into some actual pussy. 1126 00:57:49,625 --> 00:57:51,750 Them mothers come out... [whoosh] 1127 00:57:59,667 --> 00:58:07,250 "Rub the walls, nigga! Oh, it's so juicy." 1128 00:58:07,250 --> 00:58:09,125 Nigga, the Old Sperm come out. 1129 00:58:09,125 --> 00:58:14,625 [heavy breathing] "Well, I be goddamn! 1130 00:58:14,625 --> 00:58:17,542 I never thought I'd live to see it. 1131 00:58:20,291 --> 00:58:23,625 Which one of y'all know where the automobiles is?" 1132 00:58:23,625 --> 00:58:29,917 [applause] 1133 00:58:29,917 --> 00:58:33,500 "Come on. Follow me. I know the way to the head. 1134 00:58:33,500 --> 00:58:35,333 Shake your tailfeather, motherfucker. 1135 00:58:35,333 --> 00:58:36,875 Shake your tailfeather." 1136 00:58:36,875 --> 00:58:40,959 And them motherfuckers start droppin' one by one. 1137 00:58:40,959 --> 00:58:44,458 [groans] 1138 00:58:47,875 --> 00:58:50,542 [heavy breathing] "Hey, hold up, Pop. 1139 00:58:50,542 --> 00:58:53,834 Hey, everybody we fell out, 1140 00:58:53,834 --> 00:58:56,166 and we been swimmin' for a long time. 1141 00:58:56,166 --> 00:58:58,750 How deep is this bitch?" 1142 00:59:00,667 --> 00:59:04,166 "This bitch deeper than a [indistinct]. 1143 00:59:04,166 --> 00:59:06,417 "Just keep swimmin', just keep swimmin'." 1144 00:59:09,792 --> 00:59:14,125 "Hey, Pop, let's just, let's just wait right here. 1145 00:59:14,125 --> 00:59:17,041 Take a break like everybody else. 1146 00:59:17,041 --> 00:59:22,291 We can make it to the egg in the morning." 1147 00:59:22,291 --> 00:59:28,083 "Junior, we ain't gonna make it. 1148 00:59:28,083 --> 00:59:30,667 We been set up. 1149 00:59:30,667 --> 00:59:32,792 This bitch is on the pill." 1150 00:59:32,792 --> 00:59:36,750 [applause] 1151 00:59:51,667 --> 00:59:53,792 Imagine, [laughs] 1152 00:59:53,792 --> 00:59:57,375 imagine bein' a sperm in a gay motherfucker's dick. 1153 00:59:57,375 --> 01:00:01,166 [groans and sighs] 1154 01:00:09,792 --> 01:00:13,583 "Didn't nobody clean this bitch out? 1155 01:00:14,834 --> 01:00:17,000 There is mud everywhere. 1156 01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:21,583 They ain't nothin' but corn and peanuts all in this mud. 1157 01:00:21,583 --> 01:00:23,875 I think we're in the wrong spot." 1158 01:00:41,959 --> 01:00:45,625 My motherfuckin' face gettin' stuck too, nigga. 1159 01:00:47,917 --> 01:00:48,792 All right. Let's get serious. 1160 01:00:54,625 --> 01:01:00,709 Nigga, I'd like to pour out some liquor, 1161 01:01:00,709 --> 01:01:02,583 if you don't mind, 1162 01:01:02,583 --> 01:01:05,458 for some loved ones that I lost on this journey 1163 01:01:05,458 --> 01:01:08,083 for 30 years in this game we call entertainment. 1164 01:01:08,083 --> 01:01:09,458 You know what I mean? 1165 01:01:09,458 --> 01:01:13,125 Yeah, man. This first one, 1166 01:01:13,125 --> 01:01:17,125 [sighs], oh man, is goin' out to Brotha Charlie Murphy. 1167 01:01:17,125 --> 01:01:18,792 [applause and cheers] 1168 01:01:28,542 --> 01:01:29,917 [Man] Be right, Charlie. 1169 01:01:29,917 --> 01:01:32,041 Nigga, I've had the privilege and the pleasure, man, 1170 01:01:32,041 --> 01:01:36,834 of bein' on tour with Brotha Charlie for three & a half 1171 01:01:36,834 --> 01:01:40,333 years, damn near four years, man, up until the day he died. 1172 01:01:40,333 --> 01:01:43,333 You know, it was the Comedy Get-Down Tour 1173 01:01:43,333 --> 01:01:45,500 with me, Brotha Lopez, D.L. Hughley, 1174 01:01:45,500 --> 01:01:48,166 big Ced the Entertainer, you know what I mean. 1175 01:01:48,166 --> 01:01:50,291 [applause and chatter] 1176 01:01:53,083 --> 01:01:56,959 To watch a man that strong. I mean, Charlie was a man's man. 1177 01:01:56,959 --> 01:01:59,917 Ya' know he was man amongst men like a motherfucker. 1178 01:01:59,917 --> 01:02:03,208 You know, Charlie would walk into a room, 1179 01:02:03,208 --> 01:02:04,417 and everybody was like, 1180 01:02:04,417 --> 01:02:06,208 "Is the nigga gonna kill somebody?" 1181 01:02:06,208 --> 01:02:08,375 You know, Charlie had a permanent smile. 1182 01:02:08,375 --> 01:02:11,875 You couldn't tell if he was mad or happy. 1183 01:02:11,875 --> 01:02:14,083 But I watched this brotha fight cancer 1184 01:02:14,083 --> 01:02:16,792 and tell all of us not to tell nobody. 1185 01:02:16,792 --> 01:02:19,166 We watched him go to the hospital, 1186 01:02:19,166 --> 01:02:21,041 do chemotherapy on a Wednesday, walk out that hospital, 1187 01:02:21,041 --> 01:02:27,166 walk in front of 20,000 people and kill it on Friday. 1188 01:02:27,166 --> 01:02:29,000 That's how strong this brotha was. 1189 01:02:29,000 --> 01:02:31,959 You know what I mean? 1190 01:02:31,959 --> 01:02:35,250 [applause] 1191 01:02:35,250 --> 01:02:38,917 I know Heaven is funnier than a motherfucker right now. 1192 01:02:38,917 --> 01:02:43,208 Dick Gregory just went up there, y'understand me? 1193 01:02:43,208 --> 01:02:46,417 Nigga, I know Charlie up in Heaven, nigga, 1194 01:02:46,417 --> 01:02:47,959 like a motherfucker. 1195 01:02:47,959 --> 01:02:50,041 "Charlie Murphy's in Heaven. 1196 01:02:50,041 --> 01:02:52,834 Darkness is spreading. 1197 01:02:52,834 --> 01:02:55,041 Look at Rick James. 1198 01:02:55,041 --> 01:03:00,250 Got his feet on God's couch. Silly motherfucker. 1199 01:03:00,250 --> 01:03:02,792 Look at Prince over there playing buck-naked basketball. 1200 01:03:02,792 --> 01:03:05,709 He ain't gonna be up here long." 1201 01:03:11,083 --> 01:03:14,750 This next one is goin' out to Brotha Bernie Mac. 1202 01:03:14,750 --> 01:03:16,792 [applause and cheers] 1203 01:03:22,792 --> 01:03:25,792 Nigga, you know Bernie up in Heaven. 1204 01:03:25,792 --> 01:03:28,709 "What the fuck goin' on up here? 1205 01:03:28,709 --> 01:03:30,458 Some motherfucker angel flyin' around 1206 01:03:30,458 --> 01:03:32,291 in a motherfuckin' corner over there. 1207 01:03:32,291 --> 01:03:34,083 Flyin' around in a motherfucker circle. 1208 01:03:34,083 --> 01:03:35,041 A motherfucker circle. 1209 01:03:35,041 --> 01:03:37,333 Got one motherfuckin' good wing; 1210 01:03:37,333 --> 01:03:40,000 the other wing look like a barbecued chicken wing. 1211 01:03:40,000 --> 01:03:42,208 That motherfucker from Hell. He from Hell. 1212 01:03:42,208 --> 01:03:43,792 He a burnt-up motherfucker 1213 01:03:43,792 --> 01:03:46,083 comin' up here tryin' to spy on motherfuckers. 1214 01:03:46,083 --> 01:03:47,375 He's spyin' on motherfuckers. 1215 01:03:47,375 --> 01:03:50,291 Spyin' on my motherfuckin' Heaven." 1216 01:03:50,291 --> 01:03:52,959 [applause and cheers] 1217 01:03:59,625 --> 01:04:01,583 Now you know Prince up there. 1218 01:04:08,458 --> 01:04:10,917 [laughter] 1219 01:04:30,458 --> 01:04:32,333 "Dearly beloved... 1220 01:04:32,333 --> 01:04:37,458 We're gathered here today to get to this thing called life. 1221 01:04:37,458 --> 01:04:39,125 The word life, means Heaven. 1222 01:04:39,125 --> 01:04:43,542 That's been a long time, but I'm here to tell you..." 1223 01:04:43,542 --> 01:04:45,458 [applause] [scream] 1224 01:04:58,041 --> 01:05:01,542 Nigga, you know, Michael is still at the gate. 1225 01:05:01,542 --> 01:05:04,458 They ain't let that nigga in yet. 1226 01:05:04,458 --> 01:05:07,500 Michael at the gate: "You know who it is." 1227 01:05:07,500 --> 01:05:08,667 [grunts] 1228 01:05:08,667 --> 01:05:09,709 ♪ Gotta-gone gotta-gone ♪ 1229 01:05:09,709 --> 01:05:11,875 ♪ You know who it is ♪ 1230 01:05:11,875 --> 01:05:14,125 ♪ You know who it is ♪ 1231 01:05:14,125 --> 01:05:17,542 ♪ You know who it is you know who it is ♪ 1232 01:05:17,542 --> 01:05:20,875 [applause] 1233 01:05:21,917 --> 01:05:26,250 Peter right at the gate. "Uh, no I don't." 1234 01:05:26,250 --> 01:05:29,583 "You do not fit the description that I have." 1235 01:05:29,583 --> 01:05:32,875 [laughter] 1236 01:05:50,542 --> 01:05:52,125 Now you know Sammy Davis up in that motherfucker. 1237 01:06:14,917 --> 01:06:19,709 "Um... stop it, man. Stop it! 1238 01:06:19,709 --> 01:06:22,166 You guys are kookie, man. 1239 01:06:22,166 --> 01:06:28,166 Um, excuse me, um, God. 1240 01:06:28,166 --> 01:06:32,000 You know, I've been here for quite a while, and um, 1241 01:06:32,000 --> 01:06:34,208 I-- I really adore you, man. 1242 01:06:34,208 --> 01:06:37,959 I mean, you know, you're magnanimous in your greatness. 1243 01:06:37,959 --> 01:06:40,625 There's no one like you. 1244 01:06:40,625 --> 01:06:45,000 You are the cat of cats, dig that, man. 1245 01:06:45,000 --> 01:06:48,000 And you know, since I've been here, 1246 01:06:48,000 --> 01:06:51,542 you know, I've, I've, I've danced for you. 1247 01:06:59,375 --> 01:07:02,083 You know, I-- I-- I-- I was just wondering, 1248 01:07:02,083 --> 01:07:04,250 when do I get a new eye?" 1249 01:07:12,000 --> 01:07:14,417 You know, Rich is up in there. 1250 01:07:14,417 --> 01:07:18,625 That's one of my closest, closest niggas for years. 1251 01:07:18,625 --> 01:07:21,125 And, nigga, I know [indistinct] motherfucker. 1252 01:07:39,667 --> 01:07:41,375 [laughter] 1253 01:07:46,083 --> 01:07:49,500 "Excuse me, God. 1254 01:07:49,500 --> 01:07:54,583 I was wonderin' if I could have a moment of your time. 1255 01:07:54,583 --> 01:07:57,291 I know that you're a very busy God. 1256 01:07:57,291 --> 01:08:00,542 You got a whole universe of shit to worry about. 1257 01:08:00,542 --> 01:08:03,333 You know, white peoples is killin' each other, 1258 01:08:03,333 --> 01:08:05,792 there's an orange motherfucker in the White House. 1259 01:08:05,792 --> 01:08:07,792 You understand me? 1260 01:08:07,792 --> 01:08:09,667 Mexicans, they ain't comin' or goin'. 1261 01:08:09,667 --> 01:08:11,166 They just confused. 1262 01:08:11,166 --> 01:08:14,291 The niggas is like, 'What the fuck?' 1263 01:08:14,291 --> 01:08:17,333 So, I know you're busy with all that kinda shit, 1264 01:08:17,333 --> 01:08:19,417 and you know, we still can't find Kanye. 1265 01:08:27,667 --> 01:08:29,625 I coulda told him about that. 1266 01:08:29,625 --> 01:08:31,750 Shit, every nigga that fucked one of them goddamn Kardashians 1267 01:08:31,750 --> 01:08:33,959 come up missin'. 1268 01:08:33,959 --> 01:08:36,709 Or they end up in rehab or some kinda shit. 1269 01:08:36,709 --> 01:08:38,291 Shit, Bruce Jenner was the only white man 1270 01:08:38,291 --> 01:08:41,583 to beat a nigga in the summer Olympics. 1271 01:08:41,583 --> 01:08:44,000 He stuck his dick in the mama and said, 'Fuck it. 1272 01:08:44,000 --> 01:08:46,875 Take my dick. Give me a dress.' 1273 01:08:48,583 --> 01:08:51,583 I don't wanna bore you with the details. 1274 01:08:51,583 --> 01:08:56,041 Anyway, I been on the south side of Heaven since I got here. 1275 01:08:56,041 --> 01:08:57,917 And the peoples over there, they complainin'. 1276 01:08:57,917 --> 01:09:00,333 they didn't wanna tell you 1277 01:09:00,333 --> 01:09:01,959 'cause they scared of ya. 1278 01:09:01,959 --> 01:09:04,083 They asked me to deliver the message 1279 01:09:04,083 --> 01:09:06,417 'cause they know I don't give a fuck. 1280 01:09:06,417 --> 01:09:08,291 Anyway, you know, you been known to drown people 1281 01:09:08,291 --> 01:09:10,792 and fire and brimstone, lightnin'. 1282 01:09:10,792 --> 01:09:11,959 You kinda scare a nigga. 1283 01:09:11,959 --> 01:09:16,250 Anyway, they said your son Jesus, he been over there. 1284 01:09:16,250 --> 01:09:21,000 The boy ain't took a bath since I been here. 1285 01:09:21,000 --> 01:09:24,542 He walkin' on his bath water. The nigga keep walkin' around. 1286 01:09:24,542 --> 01:09:28,625 You can't get the nigga wet. He dodged showered raindrops. 1287 01:09:28,625 --> 01:09:31,792 Look, people's noses are hurtin'. 1288 01:09:31,792 --> 01:09:33,583 We was wonderin', um, 1289 01:09:33,583 --> 01:09:36,834 if you could hit the nigga with a ligtnin' storm. 1290 01:09:36,834 --> 01:09:40,166 And wash him up a little bit. 1291 01:09:40,166 --> 01:09:41,750 And the other thing, 1292 01:09:41,750 --> 01:09:43,000 he's an arrogant motherfucker, too. 1293 01:09:43,000 --> 01:09:47,333 He said he's your only son. You said we all your children. 1294 01:09:47,333 --> 01:09:48,959 I'm confused like a motherfucker. 1295 01:09:48,959 --> 01:09:50,625 You know? That's some shit 1296 01:09:50,625 --> 01:09:52,125 you niggas need to get together and discuss. 1297 01:09:52,125 --> 01:09:56,750 That ain't got nothin' to do with me. 1298 01:09:56,750 --> 01:10:03,834 Well, that aside, uh, on a more personal note, 1299 01:10:03,834 --> 01:10:08,375 you said Heaven is whatever a nigga want. 1300 01:10:08,375 --> 01:10:14,667 Well... I was wonderin', 1301 01:10:14,667 --> 01:10:18,458 would ya mind if I snort the clouds? 1302 01:10:18,458 --> 01:10:20,208 All I want is some cocaine 1303 01:10:20,208 --> 01:10:22,834 since a nigga got up in this motherfucker. 1304 01:10:22,834 --> 01:10:24,625 It look like cocaine to me. 1305 01:10:24,625 --> 01:10:28,542 [giggles] Okay, I can see that I've upset you. 1306 01:10:28,542 --> 01:10:31,500 I don't wanna get struck by the lightnin'. 1307 01:10:31,500 --> 01:10:33,875 If you change your mind, 1308 01:10:33,875 --> 01:10:37,458 I'll be right over here on cloud nine." 1309 01:10:37,458 --> 01:10:40,458 [applause] 1310 01:10:40,458 --> 01:10:43,125 [cheering] 1311 01:10:44,917 --> 01:10:46,750 Boston, love you. Good night. 1312 01:10:46,750 --> 01:10:48,875 Take the Lord with you. 1313 01:10:48,875 --> 01:10:49,875 [applause and cheers] 1314 01:10:49,875 --> 01:10:53,583 [♪♪♪] 1315 01:13:14,625 --> 01:13:18,875 [music fades out] 95265