All language subtitles for The Love Boat s09e18 Ace in the Hole.eng

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ love exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love is life's
sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something
for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making
another run ♪

♪ welcome aboard,
it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪

We'll be docking
in Los Angeles tomorrow,

so take advantage
of your last night aboard ship.

We hope you have a happy ending
to your cruise.

[ Indistinct arguing ]

Man: Well, believe me!

Oh, you.
Haven't you done enough?

Look, I feel -- I-I feel
terrible about everything.

Well, I can
make you feel worse.

How about if I rip
your face off?

Oh, wait.
I hear he's from a rich family.

Let's sue him,
and then we'll rip his face off.

I never meant any harm.

I was just trying
to do something nice.

Oh, listen to that, Betty.

He was tryin'
to do something nice.

Let me tell ya somethin',
buddy.

When the four of us
got aboard this ship,

we were
the best of friends.

We had
perfectly good marriages.

Ha!

All things considered.

And now you know what we got?
We got nothin'.

No friendships,
no marriages, nothin'.

[ Indistinct arguing resumes ]

Hi.

Hello, ace.
I was hoping you were dead.

Yeah. Look, uh,
I feel terrible about all this.

I-I just wanted --

Mrs. Harper,
it is not what you think!

I hardly know
your...Husband.

Stop, Judy. She won't listen
to you when she's like this.

Why don't we go somewhere
where we can talk?

This is the lowest.

You're doing it
right outside our door.

I don't have to take this
from you, Darlene.

We were just talking.
At least Judy understands me.

I'm packin'.
I'm movin' out.

Mrs. Harper, I --
I don't know how this happened.

I --
-i do.

You couldn't corner a single man
on this trip,

so you had to go after one
on his honeymoon.

Oh, some honeymoon.
I know they marry people

on ships, maybe they
could give us a divorce.

Fine with me!

Mrs. Harper,
may I say something?

Sure!

[ Exhales forcefully ]

Come on, Judy, cheer up.
It can't be that bad.

Yes, it can.

There are newlyweds onboard
who'll be filing divorce papers

before their thank-you notes
go out.

Well,
I think I'll turn in.

Wait a minute, Adam.

[ Knock on door ]

Captain,
I'd like to say something.

Captain, captain, will you --

please, please will you tell
this man that he is crazy?

I'm a busy man. Can't you find
someone else to do that?

Yes, captain,
I would like to say --

captain,
I just wanted to tell --

captain!

Captain, I would like
to say at this time

that the years
serving under you

have been the most
enjoyable and educational

of my entire career --
how --

what is he talking about?

Captain, he thinks
he's going to prison.

Look, I got to run.

Adam.

Captain...

Captain, I think
I owe it to the cruise line

to offer my resignation.

Don't tell me you're going
to prison with gopher.

Well, I -- I guess
they could press charges.

I'm the captain
of this ship,

and I don't know
what's happening here.

So, will someone please tell
the captain what's going on?

Captain, please, sir!

[ All shouting indistinctly ]

Ace!

Ace.

Well, sir,

things started going wrong from
the first day of the cruise.

You see,
there were these two couples --

the mercers and the logans.

Now they had been best friends
for a long, long time.

-Well, very nice.
-Nice.

I understand they have
a great gym on the ship.

Oh, that's fabulous 'cause
I want to burn off 500 calories

before dinners
so I can have dessert.

Mmm.

I hear they
have a wonderful library.

Oh, well, if you, uh,
don't find what you want,

I have the "collected works
of melville."

I thought it'd be a gas to read
"Moby dick" on the open sea.

-There you.
-Okay.

Ah, hello.

-Hi. Welcome aboard.
-Hi.

Thank you. We're the logans
and the mercers.

Okay.
Uh, Mr. Logan?

You got it.

Uh, you and Mrs. Logan
are in aloha 331.

-No.
-No, no, no, no.

This is Mrs. Mercer.
That's my wife, Betty.

I'm Mrs. Logan

I'm Marc Mercer,
Paula Mercer.

Hello.

Maybe you guys
should wear name tags.

Oh.

[ Laughter ]

-Enjoy your cruise.
-Okay.

Thank you.

Excuse me, folks.
How about a picture?

-Oh, oh, a picture!
-Yeah.

-All right.
-Come on, hon.

Let's have a big smile.
That's it.

Great.
All right. One more.

Stand up straight,
come on. There we go. That's it.

Great. Fantastic.
Enjoy your cruise.

Thank you.

-Bye-bye.
-Bye.

Nice to have met you,
captain stubing.

It's my pleasure.

Gopher.

Gopher,
you're dreaming.

Thank you, sir.

Lost weeks that way.

Gentlemen,
Simon Beck, here.

Well, I'm captain stubing.

And this is our purser,
Mr. Smith.

The purser, eh?
Just the man I'm looking for.

I assume you know
who I am.

Yes, sir.
You're Simon Beck.

Now, this case contains a
priceless piece of sculpture --

a mask of the aztec god
mixcoatl,

one of the finest examples
of pre-columbian art

the world has ever seen.

But isn't it kind of risky
carrying that around with you?

Captain, life without art
is a barbarity.

I would risk anything,

anything to remain
near the things I treasure.

Will you kindly
put this in the ship's vault?

I'll be glad to take care
of this for you, sir.

Good-bye,
my little darling.

Daddy will not be far off.

Ooh, the Harpers,
our newlywed couple.

Well, well.

Uh, listen, if there's anything
you need, uh,

directions to the pool...

The casino...

Movie schedule.

We need a cabin, fast.

Oh, of course you do.
Follow me.

Welcome aboard.
We hope you enjoy your cruise.

We'll be leaving --

oh, we're already leaving.

Well,
I hope everyone is onboard.

Ace,
stop kicking yourself.

So your camera didn't work
and you ruined a roll of film.

So what?
It happens to me all the time.

Doc, I'm a professional
photographer.

I ruined
the boarding pictures.

How would you like that
if it happened with your x-rays?

Look, why don't you take
some candid pictures

of people you missed?

Then,
at the end of the cruise,

you can give them
a special package,

and that'll make them
forget the boarding pictures.

Hmm?

There, you see?
I'm the photographer.

I should've thought
of that.

Oh, ace, take it easy.

A guy with your looks,
all that family money,

with women
throwing themselves at you,

how can you
get so down on yourself?

You think it's easy
having everything?

Well...

I'd be happy
to return that key for you.

♪♪

Oh, those look good.
I'll got get us four of those.

No alcohol in mine,
I don't want to puff up.

Ah.

Honey, let me know when
it's 10 minutes so I can turn.

Betty, you act like
you're cookin' a roast.

Nil,
how about some lotion?

[ Both sigh, moan ]

You two okay?

Not seasick, are you?

No, the lotion was,
uh, cold.

Hi, there.
Mind if I sit down?

I wish you wouldn't.

That's okay.

Sat down
a lot yesterday.

Look, you seem like
a nice person.

And I suppose
I could accept

the dinner invitation
that you're about to offer,

and we might even have a good
time and make passionate love.

Sounds like a plan
so far.

All right.

Since we obviously come
from two different worlds,

why waste our time
on a relationship

that doesn't stand
a chance?

My thoughts exactly.

Have a nice cruise.

Excuse me, miss kenan.

You seem to be
under the impression

that I work here
on this ship.

Well, don't you?

Well, you mean work here
in the sense

of being an employee
of the line, no.

But if you mean work here
in the sense

of taking over the business
some day, then yes.

Wait a minute...

You're from money?

From money?

That's cute.

Yeah,
you might say I am money.

I'm just trying to blend in
with the employees here

so I can understand
their ways.

But what I earn as purser here
wouldn't keep me in ferraris,

racehorses, or rembrandts.

Hmm, you don't look like
an art collector.

I have a small
but select collection.

Matter of fact,

a rather interesting
pre-columbian piece

was delivered to me
just today.

Oh, pre-columbian art
fascinates me.

Can I see it?

Well,
that might be difficult.

You're making all this up,
aren't you?

Difficult, not impossible.

Okay. Why don't we say
after dinner tonight?

9:30-ish?

9:30-ish.

♪♪

How did you do?

Got a date.

All I have to do
is commit grand theft.

Yes, but I still don't
understand how all of this

gets us to three divorces
and gopher going to prison.

Sir, that's exactly what I
wanted to discuss it with you.

Very simple, captain.

Sir, sir.

Sir!

Sir, the only thing I know
anything about is the Harpers.

Now, the next time

I saw them they
were just coming up for air.

I don't know
why we come up on the deck.

It is such a waste
of honeymoon time.

Sweetheart, even minks
have to rest sometime.

[ Both chuckle ]

What am I gonna do?

Well,
didn't you bring a book?

Now, why would
I bring a book?

Mr. and Mrs. Harper,
as long as you're up,

why don't I show you
around the ship?

Oh, thanks. But I don't think
we're gonna have time.

[ Chuckles lightly ]

No, honey,
why don't you go ahead?

I don't want to move
for at least a half hour.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Rest up, we've got a long,
long night ahead of us.

♪♪

Gopher, I think
you're making a big mistake.

Isaac, this sculpture was
entrusted to me for safekeeping.

Now if I think that it will be
safer in my cabin

than in the vault,
it is my obligation to move it.

I am only doing my job.

Gopher, this is Isaac.

And I know you are stealing
a priceless art object

for a night
of cheap thrills.

Must you reduce everything
to it's basest element?

Both: Ooh.

That's ugly.

Gopher,
I think this is wrong.

Isaac, stop making me out
to be a common criminal.

This is all
perfectly legitimate.

Now lend me
your handkerchief.

What for?

Fingerprints.

Fingerprints?
Now you are acting crazy.

Gopher,
you are the purser.

Your fingerprints are supposed
to be on the vault.

You're right.

Hi, honey.

You rested?

I took a full ships tour with
Judy to give you enough time.

Oh, they got
a great gym onboard.

I lifted some weights.

You are gonna
love me all pumped up.

Yes, yes.

Here.

Happy anniversary.

It's been 7 days
since we met.

No, don't touch me!
I'm sunburned.

Sunburned?

Well, I got some lotion.

[ Laughs ]

How about this, huh?
Strawberry?

Nah. Grape? Nah.

Banana daiquiri.

No, no.
No rubbing, no touching,

no nothing
until the pain goes away.

We'll just have to
think of something else to do.

Like what?

Dinner started
a half an hour ago

in the continental dining room.
I-I'm sorry.

I mean, i-I'm sorry
I-I didn't let you know.

N-not I'm sorry
dinner's being served.

[ Chuckles ]

Remember the time the four
of us went up to yosemite

and rented that old cabin?

Oh, yeah.

That place was crawling
with bugs.

Now that was
an adventure.

You know,
I can never get over the fact

that we each married people
so different than ourselves.

I guess that's what makes
our marriages so strong --

the differences,
random pieces in a vast puzzle

somehow creating
a beautiful picture.

I have a fabulous idea.

Let's go up
to the observation deck.

We can face into the wind
and enjoy that fresh sea air.

Oh, no.
I don't think so.

Honey, I just spent an hour
getting my hair done.

-Oh...
-Well, they're, uh,

playing "cyrano De bergerac"
in the theater.

It's a great movie.
-Oh, I've got it.

Why don't the two of you
go to the movies,

and the two of us will go up
to the observation deck,

and we'll,
uh, catch you later?

Well, I hate to break up
the foursome

but it's okay with me.

[ Gasps ]

Betty: What's the matter, honey?
You okay?

Uh, just hiccups. I must've
drunk my coffee too fast.

[ Hiccups ]

Oh, take some water.

So I said to the waiter,

"I'm not only
not leaving you a tip,

I'm going to buy this restaurant
and have you fired."

And I did.

[ Laughs ]

So, did you ever
see this poor waiter again?

No, I never heard
from my brother again.

Interesting family.

I've often wondered
what became of him.

-Ooh.
-Ah!

Oh!
Hey, I'm sorry. Sorry.

-It's okay.
-I forgot.

Honey, that coat looks, uh,
good on you.

Where'd you get it?

I got it
at the gift shop.

I can't believe I had to buy
extra clothes on this trip.

I never expected
to wear any.

Well, I think you look very nice
in a tie.

Well, it's not really me.
I'm not a tie guy.

I'm a t-shirt
and shorts guys.

For me, gettin' dressed up's
puttin' on a pair of socks.

I've got 'em on,
don't worry about it.

What are we eatin'?

I ordered
the coquilles St. Jacques,

the brioche escargots
bourguignonne.

Hey, I'm not
into that fancy stuff.

You give me a burger
and fries anytime.

Oh, yeah.
That's great.

Soup is cold.

Hey, waiter.

Uh, Brent, that's gazpacho.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Hey, gazpacho.
Warm this up for me, will ya?

♪♪

[ Both moaning ]

Oh.

I can't stand this,
being this near to you

and not being able
to just...

Oh, I know.
All those nights of planning,

I thought this moment
would never come.

You sure you want to
go through with this?

Are you crazy?
Of course I do.

No, no.
Not here.

Of course not.

Where?

Your cabin.

My cabin?

Yes.

No, no, no.

Betty's liable to get tired
and come back

and want to turn in early.

Um, let's go to your cabin.

Oh, yes.

No, no, no.

Marc, Marc's seen the movie
a dozen times.

If Betty comes back,
Marc will too.

We got to find someplace.

I know.

Oh, nil, you're an animal.

Cyrano: ...Be afraid?

Love more to make a visit
than a poem?

Seek introductions,
favors, influences?

No, thank you.

No, I thank you and again,
I thank you.

But to sing, to laugh,
to dream.

Mm!

No, no. We have to control
ourselves and stick to the plan.

Right,
now tomorrow when --

[ laughs ]

When the ship gets
to port, uh,

we'll all go ashore together.
All right?

And when they start doing
their jock things,

we'll just make some excuse
and sneak back to the ship.

Oh, darling.
I can hardly wait till tomorrow.

I'm trying
to watch the movie.

Oh, sorry.

I -- I thought
she was someone else.

My soul be satisfied
with flowers, with weeds,

with thorns even,

but gather them in the one
garden you may call your own.

Judy:
The international lounge

is proud to present
the mermaids!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪ Shaba doo ba,
shaba doo ba-dah ♪

On the dot, 9:30.

Hmm.

Not much of a cabin for
the owner of the shipping line.

Well, it may not be
the Plaza,

but I think you'll find
it has all the necessities --

food, drink, furniture.

You know, I can't make up
my mind about you.

This could all just be
a feeble attempt to seduce me.

Don't be silly.

Champagne?

I wonder if you're really
what you claim to be...

...a shipping heir,
an art collector.

Does it matter?

I mean,
when you really get down to it,

does it really matter?

You bet it matters.

That's what I thought.

Okay.
Here your go.

Oh, it's breathtaking.

Yeah, yeah.

It kind of took my breath
away the first time I saw it.

Want to hold it?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no.
Here, I'll just take that.

Oh, no!

Is it
completely destroyed?

No.

Just the nose.

♪♪

♪ Shakin' the blues away ♪

♪ unhappy news away ♪

♪ if you are blue,
it's easy to ♪

♪ shake off your cares
and troubles ♪

♪ tellin' the blues to go ♪

♪ they may refuse to go ♪

♪ but as a rule,
they'll go if you'll ♪

♪ shake them away ♪

♪ do like the voodoos do ♪

♪ listen to ♪

♪ a voodoo melody ♪

♪ they shake their bodies so ♪

♪ to and fro ♪

♪ with every shake ♪

♪ a lucky break ♪

♪ provin' that there's a way ♪

♪ to chase your cares away ♪

♪ if you would lose
your weary blues ♪

♪ shake 'em away ♪

♪ shake it ♪

[ Applause ]

♪♪

[ Applause ]

[ Song ends ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Music resumes ]

♪♪

Where's Vicki
with my aspirin?

She'll be back
in a minute, sir.

Good 'cause when I get
a headache

I start wanting
to fire people.

-Yes, sir.
-Yes, sir.

Gopher, I, uh,
take it the damage

to the sculpture
was extensive.

I guess you might call
total destruction extensive.

You destroyed
a priceless piece of art

just to impress a woman?

And I suppose destroying
two marriages

is all in a day's work for you,
right?

Please,
this is not a contest to see

who did the most damage
on the ship.

If it were, I'd have a hard time
picking the winner.

Let's get back
to the Harpers.

Judy, you told me that they only
knew each other for 7 days

before they got married?

That's right, sir.
That's right.

It's hard to believe,
isn't it?

Not really.

Doc knew his third wife
for 4 days.

Or was it his fourth wife
for 3 days?

[ Clears throat ]

Just trying
to lighten the moment, sir.

Don't.

Go on, Judy.

Well, uh, the next time
I saw Brent and Darlene,

things were going
downhill fast.

Vicki: You'll be spending
the day in beautiful mazatlaán,

where there's windsurfing,
beautiful beaches,

and great shopping.

Judy:
Vicki, we're in acapulco.

Oh.

You'll be spending the day
in beautiful acapulco

where there's windsurfing,
beautiful beaches,

and great shopping.

You're up bright and early
this morning, beautiful.

I didn't dance
the night away.

I'm sorry about that,
honey.

You know,
when your sunburn's better,

I'm gonna dance with you.

I don't dance.

What?

What kind of person
doesn't dance?

Well, what kinda person
doesn't know what gazpacho is?

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Harper,

um, shall I sign you up to go to
the bull fights this afternoon?

It is a beautiful day
for it.

Hey, a bull fight!

How about it, honey?
I've always wanted to see one.

Let's go to the bull fight.
-Good.

Oh, sounds like fun --

sweaty crowds,
violence, and bloodshed.

What's wrong with that?

Oh, well, I can see you two
are well on your way

to a compromise,
so I'll just be running along.

So, what are we
going to do?

How's your sunburn?

Forget it.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Perfect

[ knock on door ]

-Who is it?
-Isaac.

-Anybody see ya?
-A lot of people saw me.

I work here.

That's good.
We'll stay with that story.

You work here.

Ooh, what happened
to its nose?

Oh, well,
that settles it.

If you noticed it,
then Beck is sure to.

Isaac, wait a minute.

Didn't you tell me
that you have a friend?

A guy who's an artist
who's got a studio in acapulco.

Yeah, I got a friend.
He's a sculptor.

-That's great!
-He's a real clever guy.

He could even get that nose
off your finger.

♪♪

[ Cheering ]

Julio: Esta muy feo.

-What does that mean?
-It means it is very ugly.

Julio, what do you think?
Can you fix it or not?

You sure you don't want me
to make you something new?

I just got a shipment
of anodized aluminum.

Uh, Julio, please,
this is very important.

Bueno, sií, sií,
I can fix it.

Good. And you can fix it
so it looks like

it was never,
ever broken?

Are you kidding?

I can fix it so that it looks
like it was never, ever broken.

It'll cost you $100.

Julio, if you can do this,
you're a life saver, man.

Muchas gracias.

Now when can I have it?

Six weeks, 2 months,
a year.

I'll give you $200.

It'll be ready at 4:00.

♪♪

Did you get it?

I got it.

Isaac, this is great.

I owe you a big one
for this.

You also owe me $200,

which had to come out of
my own pocket.

Ah!

Isn't that different
than it was?

Yes, it's different!

It looks like it's been
a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon!

There's a note.

Amigos, hope you enjoy
the new nose.

I made one
just like the original,

but I threw it away

i cannot compromise
my artistic integrity.

That's great, Isaac.

He's got his integrity,
and I'm ruined.

It's gonna take you
the rest of your life

to pay for that thing.

Mm, assuming
I live another 200 years.

Vicki: Just a reminder, the ship
will be sailing at midnight.

For those of you
still on L.A. time,

that would be 10:00 P.M.

And for our passengers
from New York, that would be,

um, let's see, 1:00 --
1:00 P.M.,

or 1:00 A.M.
or is it earlier?

Merrill:
Vicki, you're going to have to write these things out.

I thought we would never
get away from them.

It was sheer brilliance
when you said you didn't want to

see the cliff divers 'cause
you were afraid of heights.

It just came to me.

Wait, uh, I can't do it in front
of my best friend's clothes.

-What?
-Let's just go to my cabin.

I never thought
we'd get away from them.

I can't believe they wanted
to watch a chess tournament

instead of cliff divers.

Those games can go on
for hours.

They might even
miss the ship.

Oh.

Oh, Marc must've
taken my key.

Never mind,
let's go to my cabin.

Oh.

I've got it.
I've got it.

You want us
to go on, sir?

Yes. I have one question.

Mm-hmm.

What is that?

The mercers and the logans
came back on this ship

but with the wrong wives?

That's right. Uh, but I didn't
know that until later.

You see,
I was down in the darkroom

trying
to make everyone happy.

♪♪

You nervous?

Are you?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Smooching ]

Oh, nil, nil, nil!

Nil.

No,
these are fake buttons.

-Huh?
-The zipper's in the back.

Oh.

I found it.
I found it.

Oh.

Nil, how can we do this?

Oh, on the floor, on the bed.
I don't care.

No, no, no. I mean -- I mean
to Marc and Betty.

[ Sighs ]

Why did you have
to mention them?

[ Sighs ]

I'm having trouble
getting into this.

Yeah,
I know what you mean.

Oh, uh, m-maybe if we took off
our wedding rings.

Huh?

It won't come off.

I'm sorry, Marc.

Oh, no.

It's okay.

Does it usually stick?

[ Voice breaking ] I don't know.
I've never taken it off.

[ Sobbing ]

Marc has always been
the kindest,

most understanding husband
a woman could ask for.

You know
how emotional I am,

Betty is the one who's really
kept me going over the years.

They're wonderful people.

The best.

Well,
I guess this is it.

[ Knock on door ]

[ Laughs ] Mr. Logan?

-Yeah.
-Uh, Mr. Logan,

I have a very special surprise
for you.

Your boarding pictures were
ruined, but I've been taking

pictures of you and your wife
throughout the cruise.

And well,
I thought you, uh,

might like
to have some of these.

Okay.
Thanks.

My compliments.

Paula.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Logan.

Hi.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my god!

Yeah. I just gave a set of these
to the mercers next door

and they had
quite the same reaction.

Marc.

Nil.

Paula.

Betty?

[ Squeals ]

Uh, anything wrong?

Something is
definitely wrong.

Good evening, Mr. Beck.

Ah, my young friend,
the purser.

I wanted to ask you a question
about your sculpture.

I trust
my little sweetheart

is securely locked up
in your vault, safe and sound.

Oh, yes, sir.
It's in there safe and safe.

Uh, what I wanted to ask
was what's the ballpark value

of a thing like that?

Well, let's just say,
if you have to ask,

you can't afford it.

Right.

[ Chuckling ]

How much?

Half a million.

That's a lot of money.

But I'll bet you those insurance
premiums are sky-high, huh?

Frankly,
they're outrageous.

That's why
I don't pay them.

You don't have
any insurance?

Unh-unh.

That's why I put it
in your vault.

Well, I think I'll just
get in out of this night air.

♪♪

[ Laughter,
indistinct conversations

When I met Darlene,
it was so perfect.

Now I don't know
what's different.

Well, you just met her
a week ago.

Yeah, that's when
she moved in across the hall.

We met over a grease fire
in her boiler.

How romantic.

We couldn't stand
being away from each other.

I mean, physically
it was so right, you know.

It was so complete.

Mm.

And you thought everything
was gonna be like that?

Oh, exactamente.

But then I realized
we have nothing in common

except great sex.

Oh, dear.

Oh, it felt so right
when we were dancing together.

Mr. Harper, I think this has
taken a wrong direction.

I should've expected this.

-Mrs. Harper.
-Um...

You've been after my husband
ever since we boarded.

Well, you can have him.

I don't want him.

Goph, there you are.

I've been looking for you
all day.

Millicent, I have something
I have to tell you.

I am not the rich, young tycoon
you think I am.

Oh, it doesn't matter
darling.

I'm interested in you,
not your money.

Do you really mean that?

Of course I do.

I wouldn't care if all you had
was your purser salary.

I may not even have that.

There's a very good chance
I'll be fired.

Oh, how can you be fired?

You own the company.

I just told you.
I don't own anything.

You mean
you really aren't rich?

Isn't that just
what I said?

I thought that was
some kind of a test

to see if I was the right
kind of a girl.

Oh, you've really got
a lot of nerve.

Well, captain, uh,
that's about it.

The last time I saw the Harpers,

she accused me
of stealing her husband.

That's the end of my story.

Does this help, dad?

Not really, honey.

Normally, the captain

is responsible for everything
that happens on his ship.

But from what I can tell,
none of this is my fault.

If you wanted help,
you should've come to me,

and I would have gladly...

-Yeah, but, sir, you see, I --
-never interrupt the captain

when he's reprimanding
his troops,

especially
when he has a headache.

Yes, sir.

And since you were so anxious
to get my attention,

perhaps I'll start
with you.

In the future,
before you snap the shutter,

i want you to say, "hi, I'm ace,
the ship's photographer.

Who are you?"

That's a good idea.
Thank you, sir.

Ms. McCoy,
I trust you will think twice

before practicing marriage
counseling without a license.

Yes, sir.

Excuse me.

Now for your problem,
gopher.

Yes, sir.

I want you to know
that the line will back you up.

Oh, thank you, sir.

This is going to be money
well spent, I assure you.

I am talking
about emotional support.

As far as the money
is concerned,

I'm afraid you're going
to have to be on your own.

Thank you, sir.

First thing
tomorrow morning,

I want you to tell Mr., uh,
Mr., uh,...

-Beck.
-Mr. Beck, thank you,

that you broke his statue.

Sure will.
Thank you, sir.

I didn't do anything,
sir.

Adam, wake up.

What? What? Oh.

Is that it?
Can I go to bed now?

No, I think
we should all go to bed.

It's the one place
we can stay out of trouble.

Perhaps I should
rephrase that.

Mr. and Mrs. Harper, look,
I'm not supposed to be here,

but I just had to give this
one more shot.

There's a few things here
we have to work out.

First of all, nothing
happened between me and Brent.

He came to me to talk,

and what I was gonna
say to him, well,

what I was gonna say to him
is that for a marriage to work,

two people
have to accept their differences

and even learn to enjoy them.

So, why don't you take tonight
and try to work things out?

That's all I have to say.

Night.

What do you think?

Well, she's right.

We don't know each other.

We need to talk.

Um, ex -- excuse me, uh,
one more thing --

don't tell the captain
you saw me.

So...

Where you from?

You know, dad, I think
that doc and I should get

a reward for being
the only two

who didn't mess things up
on the cruise.

-That reminds me...
-Hmm?

First thing tomorrow morning,
I want to talk to you

about your announcements.

Yes, sir.

[ Sighs ]

We'll be docking in Los Angeles
in 45 minutes.

I have no idea
what time it is there.

♪♪

Uh, good morning, ace.

Hey, look, I'm sorry.

I -- I feel terrible
about all of this.

I was just trying
to do a good thing.

Calm down.
We took a vote,

and it's three-to-one
not to kill ya.

Thank god
for majority rule.

Who was the one?

Not important.

In fact, we stayed up all night
talking this thing out.

And we realized
you did us a favor.

You're kidding?

-Nope.
-Yeah.

I mean, none of us
ever cheated before.

And -- and the way
things were going last night,

we probably
wouldn't have then,

but it still would've been
on our minds.

Your pictures brought it
out in the open,

and we had to deal
with it.

23 years of marriage
and friendship is somethin'

you just can't throw away.

Right. What's a little
infidelity among friends, huh?

Forget I said that.

Don't worry about it.

All right.
Take care, everybody.

-Bye-bye.
-I'll see you.

-Time is wasting.
-Bye.

-Bye-bye.
-Good bye.

-Um, ace...
-Yeah.

-The negatives...
-Burned.

Good boy.

Incidentally,
I was the one.

Judy, we couldn't leave the ship
without thanking you.

Yeah, Darlene
and I took your advice,

we talked about
our differences

and we really
couldn't be happier.

Oh, I am so relieved.

I guess the secret to the whole
thing is getting to know

each other better, right?

Yeah,
we talked for hours and hours,

and we realized
that outside of great sex,

we can't stand each other.

We don't like the same food,

the same movies,
politics, TV shows, clothes.

I mean, it's like
we're from different species.

We realized that we never
should have gotten married.

So thanks to you,
we're gettin' a divorce.

Ah, gentlemen, thank you
for a wonderful cruise.

I can't remember
when I felt so relaxed.

Mr. Beck, there's something
that I have to tell you.

You seem nervous, Smith.

Perhaps you should take
a cruise.

Oh, no! Oh, no, no.
No.

Now, now, now,
don't panic.

Perhaps it didn't break.

On the other hand,
uh...

Mr. Beck, someday, somehow,

I will find a way
to pay for that.

You can if you want to,
but $150 isn't gonna break me?

$150?!
What happened to priceless?

The real mixcoatl
is priceless.

This is just a copy.

A copy?

Only the decoy
for would-be thieves.

I never let real one
out of my sight.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What about this one?

Tell you what, you keep it.

Glue it back together
and have yourself a souvenir.

Glue it together?

What an idea.

Certainly,
that's what I did every time

the nose
kept breaking off.

♪♪

♪♪

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