Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

Merrill: Oh, welcome aboard. It's nice to see you.

-Hi. -Hi.

We're the whites, Jim and Patti.

Oh, welcome aboard. I'm captain stubing.

And this is my daughter, Vicki.

Oh. How nice to have your daughter as your assistant.

Shh. She thinks I'm her assistant.

Let's see.

You're on the promenade deck, suite 210, Mr. and Mrs. White.

Oh, a suite. Oh, how extravagant.

Nothing but the best for you.

This cruise is my present to Patti.

We're celebrating our 20th anniversary.

-Congratulations. -Thank you.

And I have a super-duper present for him, too.

First I heard about it. What is it?

You'll find out later.

Come on.

Looks like I'm married to a woman of mystery.

Make her give me a hint.

Go ahead. Give him a hint.

Well, it's -- it's absolutely one of a kind.

There's not another one quite like it in the whole world.

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to see it.

Thank you for my present.

And I promise you,

we will be together the minute I get back.

Well, I got to go.

Finally, after six months,

we've ended up on the same ship.

I know. I'm just sorry it's only one cruise.

Well, uh, we'll just have to make the best of it.

Yeah.

[ Clears throat ]

I'd better get back to work.

See ya.

Uh, pulse rate just over 2,000.

That's normal if you're in love

or if you're a hummingbird.

Oh, Julie. Hi.

Oh, no.

What is it?

Oh, it is honey bee harknest.

We used to share an apartment,

and she always tried to share my boyfriends.

Honey bee, what a nice surprise.

That's me, always the unexpected.

And aren't you always the one with the most handsome man?

Well, we're just good friends,

but I am a handsome man.

Well, if he's not your boyfriend, who is?

Uh...

Oh, it's that tall, good-looking officer over there, isn't it?

I know your type.

No. No.

He's new here. I just met him.

Look, sugar, you're talking to honey bee,

and I know you're not spending your nights alone.

Ted, look at this.

It's the other one.

Oh. He's cute.

What's his na--

oh, not that, seeing he's yours,

I'd come within a mile of him, of course.

Of course. I understand.

His name is gopher Smith, and I'd better get back to work.

See ya.

-Julie. -Sir.

You shouldn't have.

I know, but as long as I've known her,

she's been going after my boyfriends.

And I don't want her zeroing in on Ted.

So you made gopher the worm on the hook?

I hope she bites.

For gopher's sake, I hope she just nibbles.

Okay. You take care of that. I'll count these.

Okay.

Gopher Smith?

Honey bee harknest.

Julie told me you were a friend of hers,

and any friend of Julie's is a real good friend of mine.

Don't look at me like that.

What are those?

Costumes for our Hollywood at sea ball.

Ah.

You know, they had a sailor uniform in there.

It was fantastic.

It had red stripes down the pant leg,

two rows of gold buttons.

We ought to have uniforms like that.

Sermon for the day -- clothes do not make the man.

What does matter is the kind of person

you are without a uniform.

Sir.

Isaac, you know what I mean.

Merrill!

Martha!

-Ahh. -Ahh.

It's nice to see you.

Oh, well, thank you, merrill.

You sneak. How have you stayed so young?

Oh, it's easy. I just keep steering my ship

into earlier time zones.

Well, it's working. You look marvelous.

Thanks. You look great yourself.

This is Isaac Washington, our chief barman.

Uh, Martha norse. -Nice to meet you.

Martha and I were classmates in 19...

Merrill, just leave it at classmates.

I hope you enjoy the cruise, Martha.

Oh, I'm not gonna miss a thing.

I even brought along an outfit for the costume party.

Oh.

But you certainly won't need one, merrill.

Oh, nothing could be more becoming than that uniform.

Why, thank you.

It, uh, comes with the territory.

I hope you'll dine at my table.

Oh, I'd love to.

See ya later, bon capitaine.

Don't let it bother you, sir.

It's not the uniform.

It's like you said.

I'm sure she'd like the kind of person you are

even if you took it off.

[ Air horn blows ]

I guess I should go

and get those shuffleboard teams set up.

I never realized a cruise director had so much to do.

I know.

It looks easy, but it's all work, work, work.

Oh, excuse me.

Sure, I've got to get back to work.

-Gopher? -Hmm?

Oh, Julie.

Bumped into an old friend of yours today,

honey bee harknest. Hmm?

I know. Goph...

Hundreds of guys on the cruise.

Who does she go for?

El gopho, the love god.

Too bad I'm not available.

But you could be just a little nice to her, couldn't you?

I don't know. That's not so easy.

You know, the kind of guy I am,

you're a little nice to someone,

they think you're a lot nice.

Think I better give her the brush off.

No, please don't.

Why not?

Well, see, honey bee always goes after my boyfriends.

That's why she's hitting on you.

She thinks that there's something

going on between you and me.

Where'd she get a crazy idea like that?

-I told her. -You told her.

So, please, just be nice to her.

Otherwise, she's gonna monopolize Ted

for the whole cruise,

and we only have this one cruise.

But I want to be true to sue.

True to sue who?

True to sue, my new girlfriend.

Oh.

Well, I'm not asking you to be unfaithful.

I just want you to be nice to her.

Remember, I did it once for you.

[ Mariachi band playing ]

I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

Oh, honey bee. Hi.

I was just telling gopher that I'm going to have

to spend a lot of time this cruise working

with that new officer, Ted. Darn it.

Well, now, don't you worry one little bit, sugar.

I'll make sure he behaves.

Would you, honey bee?

Oh, what are good friends for?

Thank you.

Good afternoon. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to startle you. -No.

It's all right. I'm -- I'm just kind of jittery.

I'm trying to work up the nerve

to tell Jim what his anniversary present is.

Yeah, whatever it is, I'm sure he'll like it.

If he doesn't, you can always exchange it.

Well, the present I'm gonna give him is...

...i want us to have a baby. -Oh.

Well, I think you might have a little trouble

trying to exchange a baby.

You see, both our kids are grown,

and it'd be such fun

to have a little toddler around the house again.

Don't you think so?

I think so, but, uh,

it's not my house and not my toddler.

Oh, here comes Jim.

Wish me luck.

-Hi, captain. -Hello, Jim.

Oh, excuse me, please.

Uh, I'm just toddling along.

Come on, pat.

Isaac has some champagne for us at the bar.

No.

No, I want to tell you about your present.

Speaking of which, I have another one for you.

Tahiti?

You know, this cruise started me thinking.

There's no reason we can't travel the world.

Now that the kids are grown, we're finally free

to have some fun.

I'm sorry.

You were going to give me my present.

No. No, I can't.

Why? Did you forget to bring it?

No. No, it's something you kind of have to order ahead.

Looks great, pocahontas.

Reporting as requested.

What do you want me to wear?

Oh, good.

Um, sir, you can wear one of your nice civilian suits

because we thought you'd make a terrific Cary Grant.

Cary Grant?

How could I be Cary Grant?

Doc?

Uh, this might help.

Oh, you're kidding.

Come on, merrill. The passengers will love it.

Oh, try it on, sir.

Well, all right. I'll give it a shot.

Cary, Cary, Cary, I'd know you anywhere.

Oh, captain, it looks wonderful.

Now, would you do me a favor

and please just keep it in your cabin

so it won't get lost in the shuffle?

Julie, I'd really rather not.

Uh, Cary, if you see merrill,

tell him we were looking for him.

Okay? -Come on, doc.

I think your costume's backstage.

[ As Cary Grant ] Judy, Judy, Judy.

Oh, there you are, merrill.

[ Normal voice ] Uh, hello, Martha.

I, uh -- I was just calling my, uh, cruise director.

Julie, Julie, Julie!

Vicki said I might find you here.

Yes, yes. Well, uh, Julie

was helping me find something for the costume party.

Merrill, I just had a smashing idea.

Let's have our picture taken

and send it back to the old school.

A picture?

Well, I suppose.

The ladies will all faint dead away

when they see how handsome you still are.

But if you're too busy, we could do it another time.

Do you suppose you could get doc to take it?

Of course.

But I don't know. Uh...

Merrill, don't tell me a man with your great, good looks

is shy about having his picture taken.

It's got nothing to do with shyness.

Oh, good. Then I'll load up my camera,

and you let me know when you're ready.

Merrill, what does keep you so young-looking?

I suppose it's the sea air.

Let me know when you're ready.

It's not the sea air.

It's the sea hair.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

How's the, uh, costume party shaping out?

Not bad.

Good. Any way I could be of help?

Oh, lots of ways.

The first thing you can do

is to make up a program for the party

listing all of the movie stars we'll be impersonating.

Hello. -Hi.

Have you seen little old gopher?

Yes. I think he's down in the lounge.

Um, I don't believe we've met.

Hmm. Uh, honey bee harknest.

This is Ted gaines. -Certainly a pleasure.

You know, maybe I should go down and get gopher.

I am on duty, and I'd just die if another woman

got her claws in him. -Hmm.

Now, sugar, don't you worry.

I'll stay with him. You've got your work to do.

-Right. -Excuse me.

Is there someone who could help me

get my baby formula warmed?

There certainly is. This is Julie McCoy.

Here. She'll be glad to help ya.

Ted, where you going?

I've got to work on the party programs like you said.

I hate to bother you.

Oh, it's no bother.

Just because my formula isn't working

doesn't mean I can't help you with yours.

"Tahiti.

Fall under the spell of the swaying palms,

the iridescent seas, the golden sand."

Oh, boy.

Oh.

Is there anything else you'd like?

I want to have a baby.

Coming right up.

Baby?

If that's a drink, I don't know how to make it.

It's not.

And I want him to make it.

What was that, dear?

My anniversary gift is, I want us to have a baby.

We could afford it. And -- and we have a spare room.

And it'd be so cute and probably have your eyes,

wouldn't cry at night, and it'd be tax deductible.

Are you s... You're serious?

That's what you've been trying to tell me.

Be stuck at home.

Well, we could always take it out for little walks.

-Oh, sweetheart, a baby? -Yeah!

You don't really want to go through all that hassle again,

the diapers, the dentist.

Oh, oh, oh, the pta.

It's not a hassle.

And the cub scouts.

I will not be a cub scout leader again.

I am too old for it.

We're not too old!

How about a parakeet or a nice, little puppy?

Jim, please, just think about it.

I really do want a baby.

One more, and that's it.

Oh, Jim.

Hold it. I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to Isaac.

One more, and that's it.

♪♪

[ Knock on door ]

Who is it?

-Merrill, it's me, Adam. -Come in!

Come in. Come in.

-You wanted to see me? -Yes.

I, uh, just spoke with Ms. Norse.

She's bringing her camera.

We'd like for you to take a picture of us together.

Be glad to.

What kind of camera's she got?

What difference does that make?

-Anything wrong, merrill? -Nothing's wrong.

I look all right, don't I?

You like fine.

And this is the way we're gonna the picture, just this way.

Okay.

[ Knock on door ]

-Would you get that, please? -Yes.

-Oh, hi, doc. -Hi.

-Thanks for helping out. -Oh, my pleasure.

-Hi, Martha. -Are you ready, merrill?

-Sure thing. -Ah, well, now, uh,

let's make it kind of casual. I know.

Take off your hat, and let's sit over here.

Uh, no. Let's go outside.

It's a -- it's a little dark in here.

Oh, it doesn't matter. It has a flash.

[ Clears throat ]

-Why don't we go outside? -Great!

Here we go.

This -- this looks like a good spot.

Okay. All right.

All right. Let's see some smiles.

Uh, wait. Oh, wait a minute.

I got something in my eye. -Are you okay?

Oh, dear. Uh...

Martha, you haven't seen me for a long time.

Things happen.

People change.

Oh, they sure do.

Do you remember sue McKinley, that cute little cheerleader?

Yeah.

Well, she must weigh over 200 pounds.

Oh.

And John dugan, the best-looking boy in our class?

Now, they call him skin head.

Skin head, huh?

Okay. All clear.

You can take it now, doc. -Okay.

Okay, now, big smiles.

And yeah!

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Ladies and gentlemen,

dinner is now being served in the coral dining room.

Bon appetit.

I can't take this any longer.

Honey bee had me rubbing suntan oil on her today.

My whole life flashed in front of me.

Well, in a couple days, you'll be back with sue,

and you can forget all about honey bee.

My mind may forget.

My fingers, never.

Well, Ted's waiting for me.

Just have a nice, quiet dinner with honey bee.

Please?

McCoy, I need some time off.

My hormones are on overload.

Tell her you can't eat with her.

Tell her the captain ordered you to eat at his table.

All right. I could do that.

Captain has to have me at his table.

It's an order. -Mm-hmm.

Can't blame him. I'm such good company.

Great.

Pat, we better hurry if we're gonna make dinner.

Here.

-Jim, if we had a baby... -Ah, ah.

We agreed not to discuss that until dinner.

Well, it's dinnertime.

All right.

Honey, I think you know how I feel.

We've done our share.

We've raised two great kids.

Johnny's in college.

Jimmy will be starting next year.

But they're boys.

I know.

I've known that for some time.

Now, we should have a girl.

How do you know it'll be a girl?

Well, I just know it will.

A woman knows these things.

Oh, listen, Jim.

We can travel later,

but we can't have a baby much later.

Uh, we can't have Tahiti much later either.

It's hard to snorkel from a rocking chair.

Honey, can I mention something?

Uh, please keep in mind, I do love you.

I know I'm gonna hate it when you start like that.

Could it just possibly be, without your even realizing it,

that you want a baby as a symbol to prove you're still young?

A symbol?

Because you don't need to.

To me, you will never grow old.

Now, let's forget it.

We'll go down, have a nice dinner to celebrate

the many, many years of a happy life to come.

I don't think I am.

Am what, happy?

Trying to prove that I'm young.

It's out of the question, Patricia.

Let's drop it.

No! I will not drop it.

I am going to have your baby with your cooperation

or without it.

Darling, have you forgotten the story

of the birds and the bees?

There will be no more birds and bees for us

unless there is also a b-a-b-y.

[ Door slams ]

I'm not gonna see you anymore. And I'm sorry, honey.

That's just the way it is. Look.

Honey, I'm telling you it's... -Honey?

Sorry, sir. I meant captain honey.

I mean captain! -Gopher, are you all right?

Sir, can I eat at your table tonight?

Please? -Well, of course.

You usually do.

The more the merrier. -Thank you, sir.

-Evening, captain. -Hello, Isaac.

Isaac.

Will you, uh, pop into the dining room

and see if Ms. Norse is at my table, please?

Sure.

Thank you.

Honey, it's over.

Honey bee: Hi, there, darling.

Look, honey, about tonight...

That's a great dress.

Why, it's nothing.

That's what I mean.

Shall we?

I'm famished.

-See you at the table. -I'm sorry, sir.

I'm afraid we won't have room for you.

We're dining alone.

Martha, I know this is going to come as a surprise,

but there is something I... -Sir.

-Yes? -Ms. Norse is at your table,

but she's almost finished. -Oh, good!

I'll, uh, join her immediately. -Yes, sir.

No reason not to.

Uh, no, sir.

I haven't eaten all day. I'm really starving.

Well, then, that's the place to be.

Right? Let's go.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Ms. Norse.

Oh, hello, Isaac. Oh, there you are, merrill.

Martha.

Yes, I was just telling Isaac I'm gonna skip dinner.

Uh, have to watch my weight.

He sure has willpower, doesn't he?

But a walk on the deck won't add any calories.

Shall we? -Oh, I'd love to.

♪♪

Darling, all I'm saying

is that we should consider this thing logically.

Maybe we should get some professional advice.

Ah, excuse me. Doctor?

Good evening.

You're just the man that could help us.

No, we really shouldn't bother the doctor.

Oh, I just can't stand the thought that something

might happen to you.

Doctor, isn't it true that -- what --

that it's risky for a woman of 39 to be having a baby?

I am only 38 and 10 months.

But you will be 39 when you have the baby.

Then I can have the baby! It's gonna be a girl.

I didn't say that.

Doctor?

Well, the general thinking

is that the ages before 35 are better suited.

That's what I thought.

Sorry, darling. I had to ask.

On the other hand, some women,

even in their 50s, have normal deliveries.

Of course, your own personal physician

would be the best one to advise you.

But it's quite possible he might approve.

Good evening.

Well, you heard the doctor.

The score now is little toddler, one,

Tahiti, nothing.

[ Indistinct conversations, soft music plays ]

What's gopher doing with her?

I, uh, thought he had a girl onshore.

Well, you know sailors.

Yeah.

Well, he sure picked a wild one.

I talked to her a little while this afternoon.

Not much upstairs, but what a staircase.

Maybe we could share a table with them.

It's awfully crowded over there.

And didn't you say you had some new records

in your cabin? -Yeah.

I might've mentioned it a couple hundred times.

Unless of course you'd rather be

with the sexy staircase.

I go for the brainy type with a beautiful staircase.

You know, we really shouldn't have been dancing like that.

You're right.

I mean, what if Julie saw us?

Poor thing. She'd be real jealous.

Yeah, we can't have that.

Oh, no.

We can't have that.

No, I should go right to my cabin, right now.

Oh, you certainly should.

In fact, we'll both go to your cabin.

I mean, it's the only decent thing to do.

Decent?

Well, I mean, that way, we'll be out of sight.

Poor Julie won't have to feel so bad.

Come on, goph.

You know, this is definitely one of your better ideas.

Well, like you say, I'm the brainy type.

I should be getting to bed.

Getting there is half the fun, right?

Oh, you've been very helpful, Mr. Gaines.

I'll check with you in the morning.

Hi, Julie.

Hello.

Poor little gopher's plumb wore out,

and I wanted to make sure he got to his cabin all right.

Ah, yeah, sweetheart.

I'm so tired.

I'm -- I'll just see you in the morning.

Okay. -Good night, honey.

Good night.

Little guy doesn't have much endurance, does he?

Well, we'll have a chance to catch up on our talking.

You couldn't possibly have any business

to do at this hour, could you?

No. No.

"The love boat" will continue in a moment.

Good morning, and welcome to manzanillo,

one of the most colorful ports of call on the Mexican riviera.

We will be here all day to give everyone a chance

to explore all its fabulous missions and markets.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

-Morning, merrill. -Morning.

We missed you at dinner last night, Martha especially.

Feeling all right?

Oh, yeah. I feel fine, just fine.

No, I'm not feeling fine.

What I'm feeling is foolish.

About what?

This.

Remember when I was trying this on?

Well, after you and Julie left, Martha came in.

She kept remarking about how young-looking I was.

Somehow, I found it was easier to leave it on.

That's understandable.

No, it's not understandable, not to me.

I'm a grown man. I'm in command of a ship

and, I thought, of myself.

How could I even give a single thought

to something as trivial as my hairline?

Baldness or the fear of baldness

can shake up any man, adult or otherwise.

Adam, I've been through all this before.

I suffered enough anguish years ago

when I was losing my hair.

You know what's ironic?

Earlier, I was lecturing Isaac about how unimportant

the uniform is. Now...

Lots of men wear toupees.

If something makes a person feel better about himself,

why not?

I just don't like to think of myself as being vain!

Then think of yourself as being human.

You know, I was all set to tell Martha.

And then, she said,

"do you know they call John dugan skin head?"

He's another boy in my class.

Is that why you've been avoiding her?

I haven't been avoiding her.

In fact, I spent several hours

with her last night, wearing my hat every single minute.

Well, you have two choices.

You can go down right now and show Martha your true self.

That's just what I intend to do.

Good.

What's the second choice?

Or it's an innocent deception.

You could easily maintain it until the end of the cruise.

Whatever makes you comfortable.

Well, hi, Mrs. White. Are you going ashore?

Mm.

That sure is a cute baby.

Hmm?

Oh, yeah. She sure is.

She let me feed her this morning.

You know, this may be exactly what I need to convince

my husband that he'd like my anniversary gift.

Hi, Vicki. You ready to go, pat?

-I sure am. -See you later.

Bye. -Bye-bye.

Oh, look.

Isn't she darling?

Come on. Oh, my.

Oh, look!

Oh, what an adorable little baby.

How old is she?

4 months, 2 weeks and 3 days.

Oh! You must be having such fun with her.

Oh, what a great idea to bring her along.

-It wasn't my idea. -No?

I needed a rest.

Oh, I'm sure.

But the neighbor who was gonna take care of her

backed out at the last minute.

I don't blame her.

Then you won't be going ashore?

Ashore?

We haven't even been able to make it to the dining room.

You hear that, honey?

Thanks.

My husband and I just take shifts.

-Oh. -It's my turn now.

My husband's out like a light.

But she seems like such a good little baby.

Oh, she is very good.

[ Baby crying ]

Should we hit the beach?

Why not?

We can.

Sorry, mother machree.

I think we have to score this one for Tahiti.

All the passengers are gonna come dressed

as their favorite celebrity...

Movie star, really.

Were you using this? Thanks.

What are you doing back here?

You drinking by the bottle now?

I've got to find a place to hide from Julie.

Isaac?

Yes?

Oh, Isaac. Hi.

Have you seen gopher anywhere?

Gopher?

Yeah.

Well...

[ Glass shatters ]

-What was that? -I don't know.

I didn't hear gopher knock over anything.

Gopher.

Just doing inventory.

You're dangerously low on white wine.

What are you talking about? I have two big bottles.

Not anymore.

You got two big broken bottles.

Thanks.

Gopher, you have to stick with honey bee.

You promised.

I told you I intended to remain faithful to...

-Sue. -Right.

Why don't you get doc? He is bigger than I am.

He is stronger.

And he has unlimited access to vitamin e.

'Cause I already told her that you are my boyfriend.

Hello, Julie.

Ted! Oh, Ted.

Ted, I'm so sorry about last night.

Please let me explain.

I didn't want honey bee to get the wrong idea.

You know, people might talk.

But we still have all day today

and all night tonight.

Well, that sounds better.

Hmm.

Can I talk to you, Julie, please?

What is going on?

Going on?

You're with this other guy all the time.

Ted?

It's business.

What kind of business?

I can't imagine that gopher lets you get away with this.

Gopher doesn't mind.

He knows he has nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry about?

You don't mean...

Well, I never. Why didn't you just tell me?

The guy's gay, isn't he?

Gay?

Why is it always the good-looking ones?

What a terrible, terrible waste.

Come on, Ted.

We hope you enjoyed your day at manzanillo.

We are now returning to Los Angeles

by way of cabo San Lucas.

All passengers are invited to the masquerade party

in the acapulco lounge.

Come as your favorite movie star

and meet all the other celebrities, too.

Enjoying your anniversary cruise?

Yes. Very much so.

Hmm.

-Have you told him yet? -Yes.

But we still can't agree on whether or not to have the baby.

How old is she?

4 months, 2 weeks and 3 days.

Now, if there's anything I can do,

you just let me know. You hear?

Thank you.

Ah, that poor soul. She's plumb wore out.

Ms. McCoy has tried to help as much as she can.

Why anybody would want to bring a baby into this world

these days, I don't know.

I mean, the way tomorrow looks

with all the overcrowding and the hunger

and the pollution? No, sir.

I just wouldn't feel right about bringing an innocent child

into a world like this.

Excuse me, sir.

I had your costume sent to your cabin.

Oh, thank you, Isaac.

Perhaps we can talk later.

Excuse me.

Oh, mercy, I'd better get changed, too.

Honey, she's only a young girl.

Yes, but she did have a point, didn't she?

[ Indistinct conversations, jazz music playing ]

-There he is with our drinks. -Ta-da.

-Hi. -Wait. Wait.

Uno, dos.

-Ah, thank you very much. -Isaac, thanks!

Well...

-To you. -Thank you.

Excuse me.

Bartender, my usual, a bloody Mary.

Gopher, why do you always wear the same costume?

What costume?

-Hi, there. -Hi.

Why, is there anybody here

that'd like to dance with little old Scarlett?

Well, naturally, I would,

but you'd be taking a chance with me, baby.

I bite.

Promise?

Don't wait up.

Come on. Let's take a walk.

Good idea.

You're a sensational dancer, bing.

Thank you, Ms. Lamour.

[ Singing indistinctly ]

Maybe you'd better just stick to the dancing.

Yeah, you can, uh, wear this sarong

when we get to Tahiti.

Well, I was hoping it wouldn't fit by then.

[ As w.C. Fields ] See, here, my good man.

Would you take a check for a short beer?

Well, well, my little chickadee.

Put that in two glasses and give her the bill.

Have you seen the captain...

I mean, Cary Grant?

Oh, he may not even show up.

You're off to see the wizard.

Oh, yes. I certainly am.

And speaking of wizards, is your father here?

No, but he will be.

I saw him rummaging through the costumes before.

Oh, there he is.

Wait. Don't tell me.

Roy Rogers.

Who can this handsome devil be?

Say, "Judy, Judy, Judy."

That would be out of character.

[ Whistles ]

Shall we dance?

Oh, merrill... I mean, your highness,

it's wonderful, just perfect.

Oh, would you believe, when I saw you with that before,

I actually thought it was real?

Yes, well, uh...

Oh, but I'm so glad I was wrong.

You are so much more attractive without it.

Shall we have that dance?

Nice move, merrill.

Now I suppose you'll insist on remaining bald.

That's real vanity.

Oh, Adam.

[ Applause ]

[ Intro plays ]

[ "Shall we dance" plays ]

Everybody, dance!

[ Music stops ]

You look deliciously evil, sugar.

But I know you want to change

into something more comfortable.

Right.

I'm gonna go in and change into a bat.

Oh, what a cozy little place you have here.

Oh, gopher.

You are a shy one.

May I invite the lovely star in for some champagne?

A picture frame?

Here I'll -- oh, mercy.

Is that a picture of Julie?

What am I doing?

What a terrible, terrible person.

I'm sorry, gopher.

May I invite the lovely star in for some champagne?

Oh, Julie. Come here this minute.

I'm an awful, awful thing for going

after my girlfriend's fellas, but that is over.

When I saw poor gopher

clutching for dear life to your picture,

Julie, I realized that I had to grow up.

And I promise you, it'll never happen again, never.

I'm off to do a far, far better thing.

-Where are you going? -To donate my body to science.

Oh, those two lovebirds want to be alone.

Lovebirds?

I knew something strange was going on.

Speaking of strange,

this might be kind of new to you, but give it a try.

I always did like a challenge.

Want to go somewhere

and drive a stake through my heart?

Thanks for waiting.

I thought I'd better get back to this.

If there were a crisis,

i don't think the crew on the bridge would take orders

from a guy in pantaloons.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

About what we were talking about earlier,

your anniversary gift?

Yes?

Well, I know it's a personal matter,

but I disagree so vehemently with what that young lady

was saying.

May I just say one thing?

Of course.

It's simply this --

there are valid reasons for not having children,

but fear shouldn't be one of them.

Well, I know, but she did have a point, didn't she?

There are so many problems in the world today.

But problems are a part of life.

Without them, we couldn't have achievements.

But the problems of the past have been solved,

as the problems of the future will be solved,

but only by people.

So the children to come, the new generation

brought up in love, to my way of thinking,

they're not the problem.

They're the solution.

Well, I guess I'd better get off my soapbox.

Good luck to you both.

Thank you.

Merrill, that was very nice, very wise.

And to think that you were the kid

that almost flunked sandbox.

Madam, your brilliant husband just had an idea.

Let's do both.

We'll go to Tahiti,

and if a tiny toddler happens to come along,

we'll just get ourselves a bigger grass shack.

May not be easy pushing a baby carriage

through all those golden sands.

Oh, I have a crazy feeling we'll manage.

Oh, Jim, are you sure it's what you want?

How could I have ever doubted it?

It's to my advantage.

Chance to end up with another girl

just as wonderful and beautiful as you are.

Happy anniversary, Mr. White.

Happy anniversary, Mrs. White.

"The love boat" will continue in a moment.

So long, Julie.

I'm sorry if I got in the way,

but I didn't realize that you two...

Oh, it's -- it's okay.

Come on, sugar.

Oh.

It was easier than I thought.

Seems some folks would rather switch than fight.

You're better off without him.

Oh, yeah.

Sure.

Probably.

-There you are. -Hmm?

-This just came for you. -Oh, thanks, Vicki.

-Mm-hmm. -Julie, take it from old goph.

Any guy who'd go for honey bee

must only be interested in one thing.

What is it?

It's from sue, my girl.

She just got engaged.

Honey bee, listen.

I'm off duty later.

Think we could get together?

Well, next stop Tahiti.

I just wish this ship were going there.

-Oh, so do I. -Yeah.

Bye, everybody.

Oh, do you want some help? Can I carry her for you?

Oh, no. Thanks.

I'm kind of getting used to it.

The three of us had a pretty good time after all.

Yeah?

Bye. -Bye-bye.

Well, you hear that?

What do you think now?

I -- I think you find a lot of loonies on these cruises,

even some you've been married to for 20 years.

-Oh. Bye. -Bye-bye.

Bye.

Oh, I had a great trip.

It was my pleasure, Martha.

Oh, dear. Would you mind, merrill,

just one more memento for my scrapbook?

-I'd love it! -Okay.

Could you take it, Isaac? -Certainly.

Thank you. Okay.

Okay, uh, a little closer together,

you two.

Oh, and merrill...

-Hmm? -Oh.

It's a honor to have my picture in your scrapbook, Martha.

Well, it was either that or a lock of your hair.

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