Original subtitles

♪♪

- ♪ Love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard ♪

♪ it's love ♪♪

- Hi, I'm Joe baylor. - Hi, Joe.

- Archie Phillips. - Hi, Archie.

(Overlapping greetings)

- Welcome board, I'm Adam bricker, the ship's doctor.

- And I'm Isaac Washington, your chief barman.

- If you're in pain, see me,

if you wanna feel no pain, see him.

- Nyac. Are you all members

of that famous New York athletic club?

- No, it stands for New York alimony club.

- We've all been divorced and we're all paying heavy alimony.

- Ah, well, meet your California representative.

He's paying alimony to four.

- Our condolences. - Accepted.

Now, what's with the club?

- Well, we all met about a year ago

and decided to band together for self-protection.

- Yeah, if any one of us feels like he's getting serious

about a girl, he sends out a distress signal

and the others come to save him from himself.

- Well, what's the signal?

- "The chicken has caught the fox."

- Very appropriate.

- Let's see where you're located.

Cabins, let's see, baylor... - Oh, that's okay.

We're all sharing the same cabin.

- I told you, we're all paying heavy alimony.

- Yeah, one cabin's all we can afford.

- I understand your problems completely.

- Whoa...

- Every man for himself.

- Those boys have absolutely no resistance.

- Hi. I'm Kate ladell.

- Hi, welcome aboard. - Thank you.

Beautiful ship you have here.

- Oh, thank you.

I had it built to my specifications.

- (Laughs)

- Now, miss ladell, uh... Okay, promenade 348.

Enjoy your cruise.

- Oh, I will. I've earned it.

The company gave it to me as a bonus

for the most real estate sales this year.

- Terrific! Maybe I should get the line

to do something like that for us, hm?

- Good idea!

If you win, you get to spend a week

in my office.

- If I win, I hope you're in it.

- Now, that's for me.

- Your resistance is as good as your friends.

- At least I didn't go after the first woman I saw.

She's the second.

- (Laughs)

- Mm.

- I wanted to make sure you couldn't miss me.

- Oh, I have missed you.

It's been almost three months.

- Well, why do you have to live in California?

- Why do you have to live in New York?

Do you know what my phone bill was last year?

- You know what my airfares were?

- Well, I know a way you could avoid all those expenses.

Leave your wife and marry me.

- Laura. - Sorry.

How are the kids?

- Oh, they're getting bigger every day and...

Making me feel older.

- I guess neither of us is getting any younger.

- Look, Laura...

This trip, it's only romance. Got it?

- (Gasps)

Got it.

- You okay, sir?

- Fine, gopher. Smile.

Good afternoon, everyone.

- Hello, sir. - How'd it go, merrill?

- It was difficult, Adam.

I've never delivered a eulogy before.

Choked up a few times.

- I think that's to be expected.

- Yes, I guess it is.

George was a childhood friend.

We gave him a wonderful farewell.

Must have been enough flowers there

to make the Rose parade look skimpy.

- Oh, that's right, he was a florist, wasn't he?

- Yes. Roses were his favorites.

His wife gave me these as a remembrance...

And this picture of George and me.

(Julie) - It's a nice touch.

- Yes, we took that a few weeks ago.

It's funny... one minute, he's his old chipper self.

A couple of dizzy spells...

Vicki, will you take these up to my office for me, please?

- Sure, dad.

- You know, Adam, this makes you realize

how short life really is.

- That's why life should be lived to the fullest.

- Well, George certainly did that.

- Well, we all should,

every second, every hour of every day.

- Doctor, that's a sound prescription

I intend to take daily...

Beginning today.

(Ship horn blowing)

(People cheering)

♪♪

- I don't know, Julie, I'd watch out if I were you.

I think the captain's after your job.

- (Chuckles) That's the nicest bit of finger nibbling

I've seen in quite a while.

(Woman laughs)

- (Sighs) It seems we have a bumper crop

of lovely ladies this trip.

- Yes, sir, and I couldn't help noticing

you were doing a little bit of harvesting.

- Mr. Smith, that's impertinent.

- Sorry, sir. - But you might say that.

Julie, I want miss Tyler to be seated at my table tonight.

- Miss Tyler. - Yes, sir.

- And also, as my guests, the other two ladies I just met,

miss Nelson and miss fenwood.

- Miss Nelson and miss fenwood.

- I know!

- Well, as the poet says, you only live once.

But if you work it right, once is enough.

- Well, I knew he was starting to live life to the fullest,

but I didn't know he was gonna do it all in one trip.

- Did you have a nice swim?

- Yeah, it really feels good.

- Looks good too.

Oh, uh, Archie Phillips, at your service.

- Hi, Kate ladell.

- Kate, huh? - Mm-hmm.

- My fantasy is you're, uh... You're either an actress

or a model, right?

- Oh, no, nothing that glamorous.

I'm in real estate.

- You are? - Mm-hmm.

- Well, listen, I've got a great piece of property

I'd like you to see down on the fiesta deck.

Cabin 136.

- No, thank you.

I like to know more about an owner before I look.

- Oh, well, it's a-- a 39-year-old structure

with a solid foundation, available immediately,

could use a woman's touch.

What do you think?

- In my business, we call that a fixer-upper.

- Hey, look... why don't we discuss repairs tonight

in my cabin over dinner?

- I don't think so.

- You're right, we just met.

How 'bout dinner in your cabin?

- You don't give up, do you?

What's wrong with the dining room?

- Well, to be honest with you, you see,

I'm traveling with these two buddies of mine,

and, well, I don't wanna share you.

- All right. On one condition though.

- Mm-hmm? - Just dinner.

- Fine. We'll discuss dessert later.

- You think I wouldn't recognize that hat?

I bought it for you.

- Good memory.

- That was, uh... Hawaii, about four years ago.

That's when we met. - Better memory!

- Even if I didn't recognize the hat,

I'd know those legs anywhere.

Um... you took off kinda fast.

You trying to avoid me?

- Yep. - Yep?

Look, if I can't find you, I can't, uh... make love to you.

- True.

- I'm a terrific lover.

- I know. I have a good memory too.

- You're not bad yourself.

- Thanks.

This has to be our last trip.

- Oh, Laura, listen-- - no, I mean it.

I really mean it this time.

You live a secret life, and I'm the secret.

- Then why did you come on the trip?

You could have ended this on the phone.

- Because... I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing you

one last time.

I'm sorry.

I guess that was a mistake.

♪♪

- That girls knows more about football than Howard cossell.

- Oh, that's just what I'd want,

a date who sounds like Howard cossell.

- She's terrific. - Must be.

You spent all day with her.

- A perfect day to be topped off by a perfect evening.

- You know, I didn't think this was possible,

but you guys keep house just like my ex-wife did.

Anybody see my shirt?

- Yeah, I think it's that over there.

Anybody see my cufflinks?

- In this mess? You gotta be kidding me.

- Hey, arch, you're not getting serious about this girl, are ya?

- Hey, no way, pal. Just fun and games.

Fun and games!

- Ron, this shirt is all wrinkled,

it must be yours.

Should have entered this room as an event

in the next Olympics.

- Well, I'm all ready for an intimate candlelight dinner

with that gorgeous creature.

- Hey, don't forget, if you feel yourself weakening,

we'll be in the dining room.

And remember, the distress call is...

(Together) - "The chicken has caught the fox."

- Don't worry, if she rushes me too hard, I'll punt.

Ciao.

- See ya later.

- I just figured out where my shirt is.

- Huh? - You're wearing it!

- George, old buddy, I'm planning to have

a real blast tonight in your honor.

I just hope wherever you are, you'll be watching me,

because I'm doing this for both of us.

(Knocking)

Come in.

- Hi, dad.

I just talked to Julie and she said she'd made

all the seating arrangements for dinner that you wanted.

- Good, thank you, darling. - Mm-hmm.

- Well... - (Chuckles)

You sure look handsome. - Thanks.

Vicki, tonight I'm gonna knock 'em dead.

- Oh! - If you excuse the expression, George.

- Well, do you think you could handle

one more lady at your table tonight?

- You're the one lady I can't do without.

- Thank you.

(Jim) - Laura?

- Jim, please.

Don't try to make me change my mind.

- I love you.

- Unfair, as usual.

- Everything's fair in love.

Laura...

I do understand how you feel.

Believe me.

- You have someone to sleep with every night.

All I have is a stuffed elephant you gave me.

You gave your wife two children.

You gave me a stuffed elephant.

- I love you.

- Here's to what never was.

- Don't drink to that.

- Jimmy, if you love me, wish me well.

Let me live a normal life with your blessings.

- I do wish you well, Laura.

But come on, an awful lot of love has passed between us.

If this is to be our last trip together,

then let's-- let's end it right.

Let's make it the best.

Let it be something we can always remember

with... romance and tenderness.

I do love you so much.

- Hi, guys. Hey, goph, these are the fellas

I told you about from the New York alimony club.

- Oh! I thought there were three of you.

- Yeah, well, Archie met a girl and went to her cabin

for a candlelight dinner.

Mm-hmm. - Ooh, it sounds like he's getting pretty serious.

- Ah, not Archie, he knows all about

those romantic candlelight dinners.

He's been burned before.

- Excuse me, Mr. Carter, Mr. Baylor?

- Yes? - There's a telephone call for either one of you.

- Thank you. - Oh, thank you.

- Mm-hmm. - Excuse us.

(Joe) - Hello?

- (Whispering) The chicken has caught the fox.

- What?

- Oh, I'm just telling my friends

what a great time I'm having.

- Good, 'cause the wine will be ready in a minute.

- Oh, uh, don't rush. There's plenty of time.

(Whispering) There's no time to lose, she's chilling the wine.

- Oh, it sounds like you're doing great.

- Too great, I could fall in love with this girl.

She happens to have season tickets to the rams.

Promenade 348.

Repeat, the chicken has caught the fox.

- Fight it, arch.

(Radio playing classical music)

- Hurry, the overture just started.

- Look, I'll be right there.

Well, it's super bachelor to the rescue.

- Right, I'll order dinner for the three of us.

Oh, bring him back alive. - And single.

- Ladies and gentlemen, now, please sit back,

close your menus and relax,

because I have taken the Liberty of ordering for you

a dinner that will be a gourmet's garden

of gastronomic delights.

(All) - Oh!

- What's that?

- Oh, he just means an extravaganza

of epicurean edibles.

- We will begin with foie Gras,

coquilles St.-Jacques and turbot quenelles.

- Oh, that's pretty heavy stuff, merrill.

- Oh, those are just the appetizers.

The main course consists of steak au poivre

with sauce béarnaise,

asparagus with sauce hollandaise...

- Followed by bicarbonate of soda for heartburn-aise.

(Laughter)

- That does sound like a heavy meal.

- Uh, wait till you hear about the desserts. - Oh.

- A meal like that'll keep you up all night, dad.

- I think he's gonna be up all night anyway. - Mm-hmm.

- Sounds fabulous, captain, but it's so fattening.

- You only live once. - Ohh.

- Besides, I plan to dance it off

right after dinner.

(Women chuckling)

(Classical music playing)

- To us. - To us.

- Are you feeling all right, Archie?

Something bothering you?

- What could be bothering me? Everything's perfect.

I'm perfect, you're perfect.

(Knocking)

Who could that be? - Yes?

- It's Joe, a friend of Archie's.

- Joe? I wonder what he wants.

- Hi, I'm Joe baylor, and I hate to interrupt

your candlelight dinner, but our best buddy

has a bad back, and Archie's the only one

who can straighten it out.

- This couldn't have happened at a worse time.

I'll-- I'll be back as soon as I can.

I-- I really hate to leave.

- Um... Archie should be back in around 15 minutes,

and as a friend of his, it would be rude

to leave you here all by yourself.

So, why don't I just stay and keep you company

till he gets back?

(Upbeat music playing)

♪♪

(Music ends, applause)

- Next. - I thought you'd never ask.

- (Laughs)

(Slow music playing)

♪♪

- Everything's always so right when we're together, isn't it?

Why don't we just... Keep seeing each other?

- Listen... they're playing our theme song.

"Secret love".

(Music continues)

- Captain, you're a wonderful dancer.

- Thank you, miss Nelson.

As John Paul Jones once said, "I have just begun to dance."

- (Laughs) Just begun?

I'm practically worn out. This is our fifth dance.

- And there's a lot more where that came from.

- (Laughs)

- Look at our captain go.

- Yeah, those sauces he had for dinner

must have been high octane.

- Well, when you lose a friend the way he did,

you try to reaffirm to yourself you're still among the living.

- We'll, he's certainly gonna live it up tonight.

- Or die trying.

(Phone ringing)

- Acapulco lounge? Just a minute.

It's your friend, Joe. - Oh, thanks, Isaac.

Hey, Joe, what's going on?

- The chicken has caught the fox.

The same chicken.

- That must be some chicken. Two foxes in one night.

- What's happening? - You won't believe this.

She's sewing a button on my jacket.

My ex-wife didn't know which end of the needle to use.

And that's not all.

She took a stain off the lapel

my cleaner hasn't been able to get out in about a year.

- Sounds very domestic. That could be trouble, Joe.

- We like the same music, the same books.

- Hey, pal, you're not falling for her, are you?

- Not falling, fell!

- Your jacket's ready.

- (Sighs) That's right,

I'd like to have another bottle of champagne, please.

Room service here is impossible.

That's right, promenade 348 immediately.

- All right, just hang on, buddy, help is on the way.

I don't believe this.

(Upbeat music playing)

(Music ends, applause)

- (Sighs) - Well, ladies, whose turn is it next

to trip the light fantastic? - It's my turn again.

- Wait a minute, you just did a cha-cha with him.

- Why don't we dance again while they argue?

- Now, ladies, ladies, this is all very flattering,

but I think I have the solution.

I once learned a dance from an old friend, George Bailey,

I think we can all do together.

The conga!

(Laughter) Everybody, conga!

♪♪

- I always thought the conga was the dumbest-looking dance ever.

- I'm with you. - I agree.

It makes everybody look ridiculous.

- Mmm.

♪♪

- I was doing wonderfully well,

and then I sold my sixth condominium,

and that's what really put me...

- Hm?

- Is there something wrong with me?

- Huh?

- First, Archie was nervous, and now you.

- Nervous? No. I couldn't be more relaxed with a girl.

I really like being with you.

(Knocking) - Who is it?

(Ron) - I'm a friend of Joe's.

There's a call for him in the radio room.

- Ah, darn. I'll see you in the morning.

Thank you.

- You!

- You.

- So, this is how you spend my alimony.

- Look at this night, will you?

- Jim? - Hm?

- There's something I've been wanting to tell you

since we got on the ship.

Someone has asked me to marry him.

- What did you tell him?

- I told him I'd think about it.

- Do you love him?

- Not like I've loved you.

I don't even know what love is anymore.

But I do know what love isn't,

and it isn't spending most of your time alone.

Eating along, sleeping alone.

And it certainly isn't spending the holidays

with some distant cousins because the man you love

is at home with his wife and kids.

- Laura-- - Jim?

I think you'd better find someplace else to sleep tonight.

I've decided to say yes.

♪♪

- (Singing melody)

(Laughing)

Ahh, you'd be proud of me tonight, George.

I did a conga line around the whole ship,

just like you taught me.

(Laughing, singing)

- What happened?

- Uh, nothing, darling. Nothing.

- Well, are you all right?

- Oh, yes, of course I'm all right.

Just too much celebrating, I guess.

You go back to sleep.

- Well, you're sure you're okay?

- Vicki, look, I appreciate your looking after me,

but, uh... don't worry.

Goodnight, darling.

- Hey, how's it going with the alimony club?

- Okay now, Isaac, but, uh...

Joe and Archie almost gave up their membership last night.

- Both of 'em? - And with the same girl.

- Whew, she must be some girl.

How did you manage to avoid her clutches?

- You promise not to laugh?

I've already been in her clutches.

She turned out to be my ex-wife.

- (Laughs)

I didn't promise.

I bet Archie and Joe had a real good laugh

when they found out it was your ex-wife, huh?

- Yeah, well, I didn't tell 'em, and don't you tell 'em either.

I'm too embarrassed. You know, she's using my alimony

for the nicest cabin on the ship.

- I hate to say this, but I think you blew it.

- I blew it? What do you mean?

I saved them from getting serious about her.

- Exactly.

Now, just think, what would happen if one of them

got serious enough to marry her, and she said yes?

- They get married. - Right.

And if she gets married again, what happens to your alimony?

- I blew it. - You blew it.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Are you all right?

- Oh, yeah, I am all right.

I just didn't sleep, that's all.

Oh, Dr. Bricker was kind enough

to let me use his couch, incidentally.

His very short couch.

- I'm sorry.

- Besides, Laura, I couldn't sleep

because I kept thinking about us.

- That's funny. I thought about us too.

Put me right to sleep.

- Look, Laura.

As I said, I stayed awake thinking about it,

and... I want you to marry me.

- As soon as your children finish college and get married,

and their children finish college.

- No. Right now.

I'm going to ask my wife for a divorce

as soon as I get home.

- You really mean it, don't you?

- Yes, I do.

- No, Jim. - Why not?

- Because I've obviously forced you into saying that.

And besides, I phoned Martin last night,

and he's meeting me in acapulco.

I told him I wasn't having a very good time.

- So that's his name, huh? Martin.

- Yes, his name is Martin.

- That's a stupid name.

(Merrill) - You know George, I think I made

a little too much whoopee last night.

I really gave myself a scare.

So today, instead of going like 60,

I'm gonna take it down to 55.

(Chuckles) That's the legal limit, anyway.

(Exhales sharply)

What's happening to me?

- Wait a minute, are you trying to tell me the captain

was still going strong at 3:00 in the morning?

- He danced with half the ladies on the ship

and the other half asked for rain checks.

- Huh, no wonder he's getting a late start this morning.

- Yeah. - But when he's in a great mood like this,

it makes for a happier ship. - And I'm for that.

(Knocking)

- Come in.

- Oh, captain, I wanted to tell you,

I arranged to have those same three ladies

seated at your table tonight.

- Miss McCoy, I'll decide who sits at the captain's table,

if that's all right with you.

Is that all?

- Yes, sir. - Have a nice day.

(Door closes)

What happened to good-time Charlie?

- You guys, I've been thinking, and the New York alimony club

is really kinda silly. - What do you mean, silly?

- Well, if one of us is interested in a girl,

he should feel free to go after her,

not have to call for help.

Now, we're all mature men. We should be able to make

our own decisions about women, don't you think?

- You're absolutely right,

and I've made my decision about Kate.

- Terrific. - So have I.

- That's what I like to hear. - I'm not getting involved.

- And neither am I.

- W-Wait, you're not? - Who needs her?

She's the kind of girl you end up marrying.

- Well, now, wait a minute, Joe, wait a minute.

Now, maybe marriage isn't so bad.

You know, we're so hung up on this alimony thing

and always being broke, i-- I think we're forgetting

how nice it was to have someone to come home to,

someone to cuddle up with on a cold night,

someone to make sure our socks matched.

- Joe, I think Ron's been at sea too long.

Where are you going?

- I'm going to go get my socks matched up.

- Hey! I saw Kate first.

- (Sighs)

- Hey, merrill? - Hm?

- Can I talk to you for a minute?

- Depends.

Is it a social call or ship's business?

- Oh, a little of both, you might say.

Some of our crew members are a little...

Puzzled by your behavior--

I should say your change in behavior since last night.

- Oh, you must be referring to Julie.

I, uh, was a little curt with her.

It's only because I'm tired. I was out late last night.

I look all right to you? - Yeah, you look fine.

- Good. Excuse me.

- But sometimes looks can be deceiving.

On the other hand, you have good reason to be testy.

You've lost someone very close to you,

and it's perfectly normal

to have a delayed emotional reaction.

- Adam, if you don't mind, I'm very busy.

Please spare me the first-year medical school psychology.

- Whatever you say, merrill.

But for what it's worth...

You've got your daughter a little concerned too.

- Hi, Ron. - Hi.

Seems like that old cliché is true.

It's a small world.

- Yeah.

Well, there's one thing I want you to know.

I have to get it off my chest 'cause it's really bothering me.

You said I was spending the alimony on this trip.

- Hey, it's your money. Court said you were entitled to it

for all those years you had to put up with me.

- For your information, I won this cruise.

I'm in real estate now, doing very well.

Most sales of the year in our office, in fact.

- I'm impressed, Kate, I really am.

- Thank you.

- You've also impressed my two buddies, a lot.

And by the way, I haven't told 'em who you are.

- Oh, but you can. There's nothing to hide.

- You look great.

- Well, you don't look so bad yourself.

- You happy?

- Most of the time.

I'm happy with myself, i'm... not happy by myself.

- Yeah, well, the doctor says

there's a lot of that going around.

- Well, let's hope we both find the cure for it.

- I'll hope to that.

- Yeah. Bye.

- Goodbye, Kate.

Kate?

Yeah, I was wondering if, uh... Maybe you'd be interested

in maybe doing a little sightseeing

when we dock in acapulco.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I promised Joe and Archie I'd go with them.

- Yeah, of course.

- But I'm glad I found you.

I did want you to know about the alimony.

- Yeah. Have a good time.

(Gopher) - Bienvenidos, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to exciting acapulco,

the treasure of the Mexican riviera.

Enjoy fishing, scuba diving,

or thrill to la quebrada cliff divers

as they perform their perilous plunge

into acapulco bay.

♪♪

- Martin! - Laura!

- (Sighs) How was your flight?

- Terrible. - Aw.

- But seeing you makes up for it.

- Aww.

- Laura. - Jim!

- Yeah. - Um...

Jim, Martin. Martin, Jim.

- Nice to meet you.

- Pleasure's all mine.

(Laura gasps)

Nobody's gonna marry the woman I love.

(Laura gasping)

- Stop it! Jim, stop it!

Leave him alone!

- Say, where are your buddies?

Haven't seen much of them lately.

I mean, not with you, anyway.

- Yeah, well, they've been pretty busy.

- Well, I can't says I blame 'em.

You know, your ex-wife is one beautiful lady.

Do they know who she is yet?

- No. - Mm.

- Hi, a glass of white wine, please.

- Sure. - Me too.

- Hey, Ron. - Yeah.

- That Kate is really something, man.

I mean, the more you see her, the more you like her.

I mean, the more I see her, the more I like her.

- And I saw plenty of her.

You should have seen the bikini she was wearing on the beach.

I mean, everybody was looking.

- And what a sense of humor.

And-- and she's bright, she's wonderful.

- That's wonderful. - I don't understand

why somebody hasn't grabbed her up before this.

- I understand she was married before.

She really must have hated that guy.

She went back to her maiden name.

- He must have been an idiot. No guy in his right mind

would give up a girl like that.

- Yeah, well, how do you know that?

Maybe the breakup was her fault.

- Her fault? Ron, you don't know this lady.

- If she has any faults, it's that she has no faults.

- Right... that's why I'm going to marry her.

- No, you're not. I'm gonna marry her.

- Hey, may the best man win.

- Oh, thank you. I will.

- We'll see. Put these on my tab, please.

Oh, is it okay to take the glass?

- Sure, yeah, go right ahead.

Hey, Mr. Lucky! They both wanna marry her!

Well, I guess that lets you off the whole alimony hook.

You should be very happy. - Yeah.

- If that's happy, I sure don't wanna see sad.

(Merrill) - I don't think you're gonna find anything wrong.

I've never felt better.

- Then why'd you come and see me, merrill?

Actually, as hard as it is for patients to believe,

doctors are actually very happy when they don't find anything.

- I mean, it isn't as though I'm having dizzy spells

or... anything that George had before he...

- Are you having dizzy spells? - Me?

(Chuckles) After all these years on the high seas,

the captain of a vessel having dizzy spells?

Well... maybe one or two. Nothing I can't handle.

- 'Cause dizzy spells can be related

to a number of problems.

- My heart, right?

- That's right, I'm listening to your heart.

- I mean, is there anything wrong with it?

- Uh, basically, it sounds pretty good,

except for a few little cha-cha beats

left over from last night.

Merrill, I've got a few more little tests to do.

- It's a beautiful sight.

- Yes, it is. - I meant you.

Brandy? - I'd love some, thanks.

- I'll be right back.

- Hi.

- Martin isn't here.

If you're looking for a fight, you'll have to hit me.

- Look, I'm sorry, i-- I don't know what got into me.

I just... I got jealous.

- Now, you understand how I felt about your wife all these years.

- I want to marry you.

Really. I want you to be my wife.

- What about your children?

- Um... well, i-- I have to think of myself now.

- But they're so young, they're still in school.

- My children are never gonna graduate from any school.

At least, not these children, anyway.

- Why? - Because I...

Don't have any children.

- What are you talking about? Bobby's almost eight now.

- No, he isn't. Only his name is eight.

- Bonnie too?

- No Bonnie. - I don't understand.

Why didn't you ask your wife for a divorce?

Oh, no.

You don't have a wife, do you?

- No.

- Then...

Four years!

- Laura?

I've loved you so much.

I didn't wanna ruin the anticipation,

that intrigue, that-- that thrill

whenever we saw each other.

We've had a perfect relationship.

- Do you know how miserable I have been the past four years?

- But have you?

When I look at my married friends,

I'm afraid of marriage.

They're bored, most of 'em, tired of one another.

They cheat on each other, they-- they look for ways

not to spend time together, but look at us.

After four years, we've had nothing but romance

and passion and love-- real love.

- You're insane! - I may be.

But I'm not insane enough to let you marry another man.

I won't let you marry Martin. I won't.

- I can't. He's my brother.

- He's your brother?

Then there is no other man who wants to marry you.

- Just one. You.

- Laura, after all our years together,

how could you deceive me like that?

- How could I deceive you?

It worked, didn't it?

I guess we were made for each other.

- I guess. - Mm.

- Let's get married.

- Aren't you afraid it won't be exciting

on a daily basis?

- Well, if we get bored, we'll...

Just invite old Martin over.

And we'll both beat him up.

(Laughter)

(Julie) - We hope you enjoyed your stay in acapulco.

Our next stop is the port of Los Angeles.

(Knocking)

- All right, Adam, give it to me straight.

How long have I got?

- Well, according to the latest actuarial tables,

you've got about 30 years-- - that's what I was afraid of.

30 years?

- Give or take being hit by a truck.

We can't predict everything.

- What's happening? Why the dizzy spells?

- Well, judging by my little examination,

you seem to be having an allergic reaction

to something-or-other.

Your nasal membranes are dry, and more likely than not,

you've got what's called otitis media.

- What's that?

- Commonly known as inflammation of the middle ear.

Your ear passages are swollen, causing an imbalance,

and your head starts to swim.

- You mean, that's it? That's why I'm dizzy?

- Yeah, it's not very serious.

Of course, we should find out what's causing it.

Sometimes it's dust, foods.

More often than not, it's pollen.

- Mm.

- And here, my dear Watson, is the culprit.

- And that's all it is, honestly?

- Honestly. - Oh-ho-ho, what a relief!

Oh, and I know exactly how I'm gonna celebrate tonight.

A glass of warm milk and 12 hours of sleep.

I'm exhausted. Goodnight then.

Oh, Adam?

I know you can't charge me for your professional services.

But as a little token of my thanks...

Sorry, George.

(Inhales deeply, door closes)

- Nice night.

- Yes, it's beautiful.

- Oh, by the way, congratulations.

I hear both my friends want to marry you.

- I know. - Are you in love?

- Maybe.

- You know, you hardly know them.

- That's true, but there is one I care for very much.

- Well, I think you're acting hastily.

- He's kind and gentle when he wants to be.

- But he's wrong for you. - And very loving when he tries.

- Kate, it's nothing more than a shipboard romance.

- I don't think so.

- (Sighs)

But it's only been two days, you know.

- That's true.

But I know now that I do love him.

I've loved him ever since we first met in high school.

- Oh, come on, Kate, don't be fooled by the moonlight.

I know Joe and Archie, and they're...

Wait a minute, you went to high school with me.

- That's always been one of your problems.

You don't listen.

- You love me? - Yes.

The minute I saw you in the doorway,

same old butterflies.

- Kate, I love you. I've always loved you.

I've never stopped loving you.

(Sighs)

Kate... Will you marry me again?

- Are you sure you want to?

- I'll tell you what, I am so sure,

that I will not only marry you,

I'll continue to pay you the alimony.

- Ohh...

- Ah, gentlemen! - Hey!

- I've quit the club.

Kate and I are getting married again.

- Well, congratulations. - Congratulations.

- Thank you. - But, uh, if you're getting married again,

why are you still wearing the New York ac jackets?

- Well, it doesn't stand for alimony club anymore.

- No, it stands for always cuddling.

- Bye-bye, thank you. - Bye.

- We decided to dissolve the club.

- Yeah, Kate is the perfect woman,

but we figured there must be a lot more perfect women

in the world worth marrying.

- Oh, really? Maybe I should give you

the addresses of my ex-wives, they're all perfect.

- This is where we came in.

- That'd save me a fortune.

- Bye-bye, Julie. Thank you.

- Oh, sure, I hope you all had a nice trip.

- Couldn't have been better. - (Sighs)

- Well, I heard that you two almost had a run-in.

I'm glad you ironed things out.

- So am I.

It's so boring having two men fighting over you all the time.

- Gee, I'd love to be bored like that.

(Merrill laughing)

- Well, I certainly enjoyed having you all on the cruise.

Won't you come back and see us again sometime?

(Overlapping farewells) Okay, goodbye.

- I'm so glad to see dad back to his old self.

Thanks, doc.

- I'm glad too. - Me too.

His new self almost scared the pants off me.

- Those are the nicest women. - (Laughing)

- Did you make a date with all three of 'em

for your next shore leave? - No, no, no.

Now that I understand why I was so frantic

to live my life to the hilt,

it's quite unnecessary to date three women.

- Good. - Two are plenty.

♪♪

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