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1
00:00:02,103 --> 00:00:05,213
**
2
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:29,830
* It's less hard
than it should be *
3
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:33,003
* To find a dead guy
dressed up as Batman *
4
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,903
* His penis out,
with a magazine *
5
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:38,036
* And a Go-Gurt
hanging out of his mouth *
6
00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:39,612
* But you know, I say
7
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:44,850
* "Hey, now, this America"
8
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:48,348
* Got some time to kill,
and we need a thrill *
9
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:50,852
* So we die
doing the dumbest of shit *
10
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,454
* Here we go, we got
11
00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:55,416
* People hanging out
at abandoned malls *
12
00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:58,286
* Trying to get the dead people
to talk to them *
13
00:00:58,326 --> 00:01:01,096
* With a little rigged-up
Bluetooth thing *
14
00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:03,229
* With a feather
kicking out of the back *
15
00:01:03,264 --> 00:01:06,734
* And you know,
they got Go-Gurts *
16
00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:10,367
* 'Cause this is America
17
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:13,874
* We got some time to kill,
and we need a thrill *
18
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,037
* So we die
doing the dumbest of shit *
19
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:17,376
* Here we go, we got
20
00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:20,411
* A guy going 60
on a six-foot unicycle *
21
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:23,248
* Gunning down a road
that is made of gravel *
22
00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:26,254
* And he's barreling
towards a hanging bag *
23
00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:28,317
* That is full of
flaming Go-Gurts *
24
00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:29,556
* And now he's dead
25
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,590
* I said, Hey, now
26
00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:36,696
* This is America
27
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:39,926
You want to go up or down?
28
00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:41,097
You want to go
up or down, kid?
29
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:42,735
Come on. Let's go.
Up or down?
30
00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:43,900
Up or down, kid?
31
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,907
Up or down?! Let's go!
32
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,739
[ British accent ] Well,
I thank you all
33
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:50,406
for coming on this tour.
34
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,254
I'm Urban Keith.
35
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,450
If you look to your left,
36
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:56,951
there's a crack house
that I got stabbed in.
37
00:01:56,984 --> 00:02:00,594
But I didn't move,
'cause I'm Urban Keith.
38
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,321
I'm Urban Keith.
39
00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:04,526
I'm Urban Keith.
40
00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,688
* One, two, three, four
41
00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:08,197
* What? What?
* Hmm
42
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:10,099
* What? What? What?
* Hmm
43
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,970
* Hey, oh
* I go "Matrix"
44
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:13,799
* What? What?
* I go "Heat"
45
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:16,104
* Hey, oh,
* I go "Dark Knight"
46
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,666
* What? What?
* I go "Heat"
47
00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:19,435
* Hey, oh
* I go "Rocky"
48
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,313
* What? What?
* I go "Heat"
49
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,382
* Hey, oh
* I go "Matrix"
50
00:02:23,411 --> 00:02:25,351
* What? What?
* I go sleep
51
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:26,779
* Hey, oh
52
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:27,984
* What? What? What?
* Hmm
53
00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:29,315
* Oh
* Hmm
54
00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:30,720
* Hey, oh
55
00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:36,720
So, let us explain
our wedding again.
56
00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:39,227
I wore all black,
like, uh --
57
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:40,890
like one of your devils,
you know?
58
00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:43,458
The evil spirit of the jungle --
I looked like that.
59
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:48,797
And I dressed all in white,
like a princess.
60
00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:51,706
Uh, you can put it
in their terms, Linda.
61
00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:53,209
Right. Okay.
62
00:02:53,241 --> 00:02:57,141
I wore milk or --
or cream,
63
00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:01,347
like breast food
or -- or even, um, semen.
64
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:03,722
I wore semen. White.
65
00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:06,251
My dress was white.
66
00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:09,487
Then, and only then,
did God allow us
67
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:13,593
to, uh -- for me to thump
her pumpkin with my man snake.
68
00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:18,897
He put de thumb in de pumpkin,
but the lady don't smile.
69
00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:24,002
He put de thumb in de pumpkin,
but the lady say, "Why?"
70
00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:28,777
Right, so, any questions
on marriage?
71
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:31,947
Woman: So, this one time,
I had to see my friend
72
00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:34,379
play his stupid music
in the worst part of town.
73
00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:37,685
And, look, I got
an indomitable spirit, okay?
74
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:40,248
But my body?
Completely domitable.
75
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:42,788
I got no illusions, okay?
I play it safe.
76
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,293
And this was not safe.
77
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:46,785
Like, even the trees
had hard-ons.
78
00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:50,057
Anyway, the bar --
It was dude land,
79
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:52,627
and, no, there were,
like, no regular men.
80
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,196
It was all cretinous lechers
81
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:57,044
with other people's skin
under their fingernails.
82
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,440
I mean, guys
are gross anyway, right?
83
00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:01,413
Even the saints are gross.
84
00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:05,782
Like, once telepathy is invented
and it's like an app,
85
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:07,753
like an iTell or whatever --
86
00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:09,881
Once everyone can read minds,
87
00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:12,717
every woman on the planet
will leave the planet.
88
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,093
We'll all be like, "Oh,
89
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:16,061
that's what I thought
was going on in there.
90
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,219
Check, please."
91
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,727
Anyway, this bar --
Let me tell you.
92
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,230
The situation was so bad,
93
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:25,131
my rape whistle started
going off all on its own.
94
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:27,335
And, uh,
this rather semenous guy
95
00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:29,568
walks up to me,
and I think, "Ugh, here we go."
96
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:30,903
But he was like,
97
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,638
"You friends with
that other girl who's here?"
98
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:37,753
And I was like, "Um, why would
there be another girl here?"
99
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,578
And he was like,
"I'm talking about
100
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:42,123
that girl with
those dark, dark toenails."
101
00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:44,919
I said, "Um, I can tell you,
102
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,952
just from
that little bit of info,
103
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:50,687
that, no, no,
she is not a friend of mine."
104
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,534
And then, here's the best part.
105
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,260
The band wasn't even playing
that night.
106
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,965
So, Uber and out.
107
00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:59,928
Stay safe, girls.
108
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,437
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
109
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:05,670
Man: * Take a minute
to get yourself right *
110
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:08,676
* Pull them cutoffs
over them tights *
111
00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:11,679
* Get the gloves
that are made of leather *
112
00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:14,682
* Get your bitches
all back together *
113
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:17,615
* Take a minute
to get yourself right *
114
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,691
* Get the jacket
made for bullfights *
115
00:05:20,721 --> 00:05:23,521
* Get your girlfriends
in from the weather *
116
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:26,557
* Get the couches
made out of leather *
117
00:05:26,594 --> 00:05:29,864
* Take a minute
to set the mood lights *
118
00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:32,627
* Tell the girls
about your new life *
119
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:35,636
* Give them gifts
all made out of leather *
120
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:41,009
* Tell the girls
you're way into leather *
121
00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:43,640
[ Slow music plays ]
122
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,247
Man: Climate change.
123
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:47,679
Drones.
124
00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:48,845
Terrorism.
125
00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:50,482
And...
126
00:05:50,518 --> 00:05:54,418
I'm afraid that maybe my hands,
feet, eyes, and penis
127
00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:56,415
are shrinking.
128
00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:58,227
Monsanto.
129
00:05:58,258 --> 00:06:00,328
Terrorism.
[ Machine-gun fire ]
130
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,430
And maybe you could
take a look at my hands
131
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:07,334
and compare them
with photos of the past.
132
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,397
Terrorism.
[ Gun cocks ]
133
00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:10,737
Drones.
134
00:06:10,771 --> 00:06:14,111
And do you think my penis
is less big when it is erect
135
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:16,011
than it used to be?
136
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:19,213
Drones.
137
00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:22,016
You know, I always say
James Bond
138
00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:24,689
is, like, really [bleep] split
down the middle.
139
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:28,788
Like, one half is
a suave, sexy semen dispenser.
140
00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:32,732
But, like, the other half
is a super-angry sociopath
141
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,730
because he hurts and kills
everyone around him.
142
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:40,603
Like, also, he has a tiny gun,
like, meant for a kid to use
143
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:43,444
when he's shooting fleas
off the backs of rats
144
00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:47,611
from the back of a pickup
going like 90 down the highway
145
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,611
at night, like, when, uh,
the stars are out
146
00:06:49,643 --> 00:06:51,783
up in the air,
all perfect and warm,
147
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:55,282
up in the high-up ceiling ocean
of the sky.
148
00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:58,215
Yeah, you know, James Bond
has, like, a problem
149
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,291
with, like,
giving all the girls sex
150
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:01,660
but then death, you know,
151
00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:04,959
because all the girls he touches
ends up dead.
152
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:07,162
You know, he's got
a bad record for that.
153
00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:08,504
And, like, uh, you know,
154
00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:11,229
his apartment got
all this extra blood in it
155
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,234
for the times he loses blood.
156
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,066
You know,
he's like Lance Armstrong
157
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,642
of the spies, you know?
158
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:18,640
Which, I mean,
he's super doped-up.
159
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,072
Ha, ha!
160
00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:21,307
Anyway, I'm pretty psyched
161
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:23,611
about that new one, though.
162
00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:30,582
Oh, cool.
163
00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:32,418
John's hat collection.
164
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,422
No, no, no, no, no!
Don't wear those!
165
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,664
I had lice!
166
00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:36,919
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah.
167
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:37,987
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Awesome.
168
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:40,455
Wow, there are so many.
169
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:43,704
I'm gonna donate these
to the kindergarten.
170
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,271
No!
171
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:46,868
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
172
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:49,270
* A...duke was out driving
173
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:50,372
* smoking and a-smiling
174
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:51,713
* When Hitler ran up
175
00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:53,439
* And then Harvey
said, "Bang, bang" *
176
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,483
* Nixon started fixing Einstein
on the mission *
177
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:57,809
* And Japan had planned
to turn into ash *
178
00:07:57,845 --> 00:08:00,475
* The Viet-K-K-Kong
was a Soviet song *
179
00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:03,384
* About a wall and a man
and a plan about Panama *
180
00:08:03,416 --> 00:08:06,216
* Jack in the hat
with a criminal stack of bills *
181
00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:07,663
* down in the spidery hole
182
00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:08,658
Come on, man.
183
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:11,359
That's got to be
how it went, right?
184
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:13,161
[ Classical music plays ]
185
00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:16,303
Mom: Lunchtime, kids!
186
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,799
[ Music intensifies ]
187
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,372
[ Sighs ]
188
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,000
Break time
for this ol' cowpoke.
189
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:25,306
[ Gasps ]
What?! You're alive?
190
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,008
Oh, shit, Johnny.
191
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,810
Well, I guess
the secret is over.
192
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,412
Guys, come on out!
193
00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:31,913
Hey, Johnny.
194
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,075
What's up, Private?
195
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:34,483
Can I get
a little hairbrush?
196
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:37,384
Oh, awesome!
My toys are alive!
197
00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:39,387
Not just your toys, Johnny.
198
00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:41,349
I'm not just
a house's wall.
199
00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:43,188
I'm Tim.
And I'm Dee Dee.
200
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:46,333
Johnny, finally
the silence is broken.
201
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:49,029
Okay, so,
everything's alive?
202
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:51,672
Yep. Everything is alive
and has opinions.
203
00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,699
Johnny, I have crumbs
in my crack.
204
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:57,044
Don't throw me in the trash
where I can't shine, Johnny.
205
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:59,510
It's [bleep] cold outside!
206
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,339
What's happening, Johnny?
Oh, I don't know, Janie.
207
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,575
I'm your dress, Janie.
208
00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:06,051
Wash me for once.
I stink of ham.
209
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,349
Janie, stop with the sugar!
210
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:09,851
I'm kind of scared.
211
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,453
Get off me, Johnny!
Get off me, Rug!
212
00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:15,385
How do I take a step
without hurting anyone?
213
00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:19,692
Just you being alive hurts
lots and lots and lots of folks.
214
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:22,797
Stop doing that one thing
with me, Johnny.
215
00:09:22,830 --> 00:09:24,530
Everyone hates you, Johnny.
216
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,704
Johnny, I was made in China,
but I can't speak Chinese. Johnny!
217
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:28,044
I want to go home
and learn my homeland.
218
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,568
Help!
Johnny?
219
00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:32,273
[ Johnny and Janie screaming ]
220
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,722
[ Crying ]
221
00:09:44,752 --> 00:09:47,352
[ Sobbing ]
222
00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:51,056
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
223
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,631
* A brunette in a town
that'll kill a pet *
224
00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:55,261
* Twister came
and took them away *
225
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:56,895
* No way, bitch
226
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,000
* Group of dudes saw the girl
in a shoe dispute *
227
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:01,902
* with a Western witch
who exclaimed * * No way, bitch
228
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,235
* Then she helped an idiot,
then she helped a psychopath *
229
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:05,611
* Then she helped a bully
230
00:10:05,639 --> 00:10:07,509
* And now these guys
are on her back *
231
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:09,940
* Then she met a wizard who
only wants a witch's broom *
232
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:11,307
* Flying monkeys drop her
233
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:12,954
* Right back
into the shoe dispute *
234
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,520
* So, the dogs and the boyos
are making noise *
235
00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:17,248
* Water went
the Western witch way *
236
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:18,754
* No way, bitch
237
00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:20,786
* Now the Wiz is a deejay
you cannot shoot *
238
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:23,361
* Dorothy does a micro-dance
and reappears in Kansas *
239
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:24,660
* So she's home
240
00:10:24,692 --> 00:10:25,832
[Bleep]
241
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,937
[ Howling ]
242
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,113
[ Screams ]
243
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:42,611
[ Screams ]
244
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,542
[ Screams ]
245
00:10:51,719 --> 00:10:55,259
**
246
00:10:55,309 --> 00:10:59,859
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