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1
00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:04,003
[ Hip-hop playing ]
2
00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:29,329
Ohh, my body is trying to
shit out my back.
3
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:32,603
My lower back is hurting,
filled with shit.
4
00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:34,573
It's moving up my body.
5
00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:35,872
-Wait, what?
-God!
6
00:00:35,903 --> 00:00:38,013
Like it's not gonna fit
out my asshole,
7
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,668
it's gonna come out...
-What the [bleep]
8
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:40,837
It hurts my back.
9
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:43,284
Is she talking about
shitting?
10
00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:45,581
I'm like a hose
with a thumb on it.
11
00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:49,353
It's all gonna force through the
weakest tissue of the hose, man.
12
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,593
I can't hold it.
My grip is slipping.
13
00:00:51,619 --> 00:00:53,619
My anal grip is slipping.
14
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:57,134
She's talking about [bleep]
15
00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:58,788
It's gonna be like
Old Faithful
16
00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:01,056
right out of my [bleep] back,
man.
17
00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:05,025
Dude, that's my girl right there
saying that [bleep]
18
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,365
It's gonna be like
water jets from a Jacuzzi
19
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:08,401
but with my doody.
20
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:11,406
I ain't even know
she had bowels, son.
21
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:12,709
Oh, God, it's like
22
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:16,040
if I don't find a place to
shoot this literal fecal jet,
23
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,546
I'm gonna straight-up
paint that fence over there.
24
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,749
What?!
Paint the fence?!
25
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:23,081
She gonna "Karate Kid"
this [bleep]
26
00:01:23,117 --> 00:01:25,387
Hold on,
I got a CVS bag in here.
27
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:26,549
Just go into this Gap
28
00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:28,557
and take a sweater
into the dressing room
29
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,989
and squat over the bag.
Leave it in there like
30
00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:33,494
a nice hot bag of soup
for those assholes.
31
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:35,957
Hey, they're assholes
in there anyway.
32
00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:37,796
Cool, right, yeah. Good plan.
Let me have it.
33
00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:39,731
I can wipe with
this stack of napkins
34
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:40,727
that I stole
from Starbucks.
35
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:41,998
Don't you do that!
36
00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:43,465
Don't you do that [bleep]
37
00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:45,744
I ate 10 of those
bags of espresso beans.
38
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,143
I should sue those [bleep]
39
00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:49,635
which I blame for this mud puppy
in the first place
40
00:01:49,677 --> 00:01:50,937
that I'm barely
pinching back.
41
00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:52,748
[ Tires squeal ]
Yo!
42
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:53,910
Yo, what's up?!
43
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,417
No, I saw you!
44
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,819
I was watching!
45
00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:59,020
You told me
you ain't never took [bleep]
46
00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:01,262
Who the [bleep] are you?!
47
00:02:01,289 --> 00:02:04,289
**
48
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,597
Whoo!
49
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,529
-Whoop!
-Whoop! Whoo!
50
00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:11,774
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
51
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,299
Whoop!
52
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:16,495
* Bangs on things
53
00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:18,837
* Everything is cuter
with a bang bang *
54
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:21,142
* Bangs on things
55
00:02:21,175 --> 00:02:23,435
* Everything is cuter
with a bang bang *
56
00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,677
* Look at her, look at that,
look at her, look at that *
57
00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:28,123
* Look at this, look at that,
looka, looka, looka, looka *
58
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,618
* Bangs on things
[ Roars ]
59
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:33,521
* Everything is cuter
with a bang bang *
60
00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:39,355
Man: Wrong face!
61
00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:42,134
I got the tests back.
62
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,602
It's malignant.
63
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:52,543
Wrong face!
64
00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:58,305
Narrator: A British family
was having a tough time.
65
00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:00,046
Woman:
I don't want another kid, Eric.
66
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,820
Just put some jam in a sock
and [bleep] it.
67
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:05,720
Then they got a houseguest.
68
00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:07,823
It's Humpington.
69
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,015
He's got a weird little laugh.
70
00:03:10,057 --> 00:03:11,187
[ Groans creepily ]
71
00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:13,255
Narrator: And a rotting anus.
72
00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:17,104
Humpington can grant wishes,
but he doesn't.
73
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:20,070
Humpington could leave,
but he doesn't.
74
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:23,770
Humpington could put ointment
on his rotting anus,
75
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:25,574
but he doesn't.
76
00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:29,836
Humpington is voiced by
Colin Firth and Colin Farrell,
77
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:34,617
overlapped in dual octave
Tuvan throat-singing style.
78
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:37,418
I just want to eat a jam.
79
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:40,451
Where is your jam?
80
00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,018
[ Groans ]
81
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:46,225
Emma, what was I [bleep]
supposed to do?
82
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:48,030
Narrator: Humpington!
83
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,961
This is not a movie,
this is happening.
84
00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:54,295
This is a great party,
right?
85
00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:56,565
I know!
But I haven't met the host.
86
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:58,374
[ Water splashes ]
Oh, he's a catch.
87
00:03:58,406 --> 00:04:00,536
I don't know why, but I get
this feeling he's important
88
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:04,144
or revolutionary or something
dangerous and cool.
89
00:04:04,177 --> 00:04:05,047
Hot.
90
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:08,578
He's right over there.
91
00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:11,546
* You mean the one
with the bald spots?! *
92
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:14,115
* Yeah, the one
with the skin knots *
93
00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:16,824
* I think he's really freakin'
stinky-looking *
94
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:20,557
* But he's in
a rattan chair *
95
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,404
* Oh, I'm down
96
00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:25,270
* Yeah, you're down
97
00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:27,399
* Dude, that chair
98
00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:29,735
* He's in a rattan chair
99
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,270
* He got syph and hep
100
00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:35,776
* He got herp and strep
101
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:37,509
* Gono and mono
102
00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:40,675
* But he's in a rattan chair
103
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:43,151
Man: Wrong face!
104
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,091
Dude, Janey left me.
105
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:48,789
Oh, man,
that's horrible.
106
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:51,932
Well, hey, man, I'm here if
you ever need to talk, okay?
107
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:54,459
Leg face!
108
00:04:56,697 --> 00:05:00,697
* My dog is a ghost
109
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:04,004
* My dog is a ghost
110
00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:07,379
* Once upon a time
111
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,778
* I had a dog and he was black
112
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:12,280
* But then he ate some sticks
and died *
113
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,112
* Never to come back
114
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,847
* So today I started thinking
115
00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:17,893
* Wait, maybe he's a ghost
116
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:21,118
* I have absolutely no evidence
or proof *
117
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:25,234
* My dog is a ghost
118
00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:28,798
* My dog is a ghost
119
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:33,399
* My dog is a ghost
120
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:37,004
* My dog is a ghost
121
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:46,253
Dude,
I need an afternoon snack.
122
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:47,719
Don't worry, dude.
123
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:50,518
My mom stacks the snacks.
124
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:53,651
Yeah.
Your mom is stacked.
125
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:54,687
Wait.
126
00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:58,262
I mean
she keeps snacks in the kitchen.
127
00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:00,061
Dude,
I know what you meant.
128
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,503
But your mom is stacked.
129
00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:06,100
Like, I want to
have intercourse with her.
130
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:10,843
And have, like,
a son-brother to you.
131
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,571
* Hot Pockets
132
00:06:16,444 --> 00:06:19,554
Man: He loved her
like a doggie loves doo-doo.
133
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:22,380
She loved him
like a kitty kills birds.
134
00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:23,846
But being together was as hot as
135
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:26,694
a cop watch a "Braveheart"
get executed.
136
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,960
But like trying to
put a sock on a wet foot,
137
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:32,290
it's easier if you ain't.
138
00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:34,955
People said they were like
lightning and a baby --
139
00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:36,695
Rare, I mean.
140
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:41,740
And the world was an oyster,
and it was theirs.
141
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,240
Man: Wrong face!
142
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,979
He finally proposed!
143
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,808
I'm engaged.
144
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,120
[ Sobbing ]
145
00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:58,748
I don't really
want to marry him!
146
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:01,790
Wrong face!
147
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:06,462
Man: You know, I always see
Kanye as, like, you know,
148
00:07:06,494 --> 00:07:10,404
like a little koala hanging out
on the top of a tree.
149
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:13,570
But in that tree, there's, like,
a secret little hole
150
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:16,741
where you can go in it,
and it's a cave.
151
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,110
And inside the cave,
152
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:22,238
there are all these, like,
diamond-encrusted baby tools
153
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,575
for, like building elephants
154
00:07:24,612 --> 00:07:28,522
that know how to, like,
rattle the cages, you know?
155
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:31,079
And those cages are those ones
156
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,748
that they're always
talking about
157
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:35,756
when they're wearing
all their wedding gowns.
158
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,759
But Kanye says, "No, no!
159
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:41,861
Nobody can get married anymore
in this freakin' town
160
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:43,695
because I'm the mayor
161
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:46,331
and my shoes
got them new holes in them
162
00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:48,796
where everybody can look."
163
00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:55,838
Hey, hamsters, I have your
favorite -- sesame seeds!
164
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:56,976
**
165
00:07:57,010 --> 00:08:00,780
* Ooh
166
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:04,624
* Ooh, yeah
167
00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,522
* Got to give me that seed
168
00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:12,194
* Talking about whooooo
169
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:16,055
* Whooooo, yeah
170
00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:18,026
* Got to give me that seed
171
00:08:18,065 --> 00:08:21,295
* Talking about whoooooo
172
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:26,174
* You got to give me that seed
173
00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:30,336
Whoo!
174
00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:33,247
-Whoop!
-Whoop! Whoo!
175
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:38,590
So you're telling me this gets
seasoned after every use?
176
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:39,689
Exactly.
177
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,360
Cast iron is reliable.
Once you try this thing,
178
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:45,489
you're never gonna go back
to those Teflon models.
179
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,725
Hmm.
It's got some heft to it.
180
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:50,001
Well,
now the same manufacturers
181
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:53,400
have developed a special product
for all of us --
182
00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:55,943
the cast-iron
stocking stuffer.
183
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:58,869
I got to tell you, this is
coming at just the right time.
184
00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:01,336
Oh, I like to ride it
down the stairs.
185
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,184
Put it in
and go on a sleigh ride.
186
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:06,010
[ Humming upbeat tune ]
187
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,176
Thank you, Santa.
188
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,754
[ Laughing ]
189
00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:11,852
I'm gonna leave mine out
in the summer sun
190
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,015
next to
my sun-brewed iced tea.
191
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:17,764
Oh, and act now,
and we'll throw in a tub of Gak!
192
00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:23,034
Peretti: So I just read online
that some scientists
193
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:26,133
extracted DNA from
Lewis Carroll's corpse,
194
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:30,366
and they genetically engineered
not just a new Lewis Carroll,
195
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,713
but hundreds of Lewis Carrolls,
196
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:34,940
because when they did the first
one, he was totally nuts
197
00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:37,905
and they were not sure if this
was just an accurate recreation
198
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:41,045
of the probably [bleep] up
writer of "Alice in Wonderland,"
199
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,421
or if maybe they got it wrong.
200
00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:45,450
I mean, the first clone demanded
201
00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:47,715
to sleep in a coffin
full of glitter
202
00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:49,915
and then
to take a shower of glitter.
203
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:52,757
Like, he wanted to dress
in the skin of Lady Gaga
204
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,563
once he read about Lady Gaga,
205
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:57,334
so they had to bring him
a facsimile of this skin
206
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,474
because Lewis
had a huge, strange temper.
207
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:00,999
[ Screaming ]
208
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,804
Peretti: Anyway, they tried it
again -- even crazier.
209
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:04,736
But they needed to
recoup their losses,
210
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:08,182
so they just made a [bleep] load
of cuckoo Carrolls
211
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,438
and made a Jurassic Park
around him.
212
00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:13,177
And now kids can roll around
in hamster balls
213
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:18,123
and witness hundreds of this guy
just doing Lewis out there
214
00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:19,621
on this secluded island
215
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:22,363
feeling the wind
blowing through Gaga's hair.
216
00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:23,719
Google it.
217
00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:26,689
[ Inhales deeply ]
218
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:28,857
* G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g
219
00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:31,596
[ Inhales deeply ]
* G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g
220
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,031
* I have never, ever
221
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,367
* Ever, ever, ever
222
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:36,672
* Never, ever
223
00:10:36,704 --> 00:10:38,114
* Ever, ever, ever
224
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,608
* Never, ever
225
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,109
* Ever, ever, ever
226
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:42,441
* Never, ever
227
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:43,935
* Ever, ever, ever
228
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,447
* Never, ever
229
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:46,708
* Never, ever, ever
230
00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:50,177
* Never washed my hands
231
00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:52,047
[ Hip-hop playing ]
232
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,736
Bye-bye.
233
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:08,898
Chirp.
234
00:11:08,948 --> 00:11:13,498
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