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[ Hip-hop playing ]
2
00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:27,404
Announcer:
New at Universal Studios...
3
00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:30,228
Vin Diesel, "The Ride."
4
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:32,434
Man, it felt just like his back.
5
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:33,726
I was on his back!
6
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:36,597
Announcer:
Vin Diesel, "The Ride."
7
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,567
Oh, it was awesome!
8
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:43,106
I got to wrap my thighs around
his neck and ride Vin Diesel!
9
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:45,254
Announcer:
You'll never be the same.
10
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:48,917
Vin Diesel, "The Ride."
11
00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:51,049
As we went faster
and more furiouser,
12
00:00:51,085 --> 00:00:53,015
then I just held on
to the belly.
13
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,693
Like it was dope.
It was dope! Whoo!
14
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:58,263
Announcer:
Vin Diesel, "The Ride."
15
00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:02,932
Come experience the magic
at Universal Studios.
16
00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:05,933
[ Inhales sharply ]
Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!
17
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:08,036
Huh, hmm?
What's the matter?
18
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,968
Oh, man,
I have this terrible pain.
19
00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:13,114
[ Wind whistles ]
20
00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:14,071
Tada!
21
00:01:14,108 --> 00:01:16,978
It's me,
the Kidney Stone Fairy!
22
00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:20,450
I'll give you a quarter
for every rock you piss out!
23
00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:22,451
Now, come on,
get to pushing.
24
00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:24,493
[Bleep] you,
I gotta go to the hospital.
25
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:26,588
No hospital.
They'll keep the stones!
26
00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:27,890
Husband, keep her here
27
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,761
and I'll give you
a hand job, man.
28
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:30,920
Uh, sorry, hon.
29
00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:33,328
Just push it
and get it over with.
30
00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:34,601
We are getting a divorce.
31
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:36,158
Come on, stick it out!
32
00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:38,127
I'll give you the hand job
after you pass them.
33
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:39,526
Come on!
34
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:43,298
* Perv alert!
35
00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:45,637
* Perv alert!
36
00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:46,973
* Perv alert!
37
00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:48,237
Yo!
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00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,476
* Perv alert!
39
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:55,251
**
40
00:01:55,283 --> 00:01:57,653
* Perv alert!
41
00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:58,645
* Perv alert!
42
00:01:58,686 --> 00:02:00,246
Yeah, you!
43
00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:02,488
* Perv alert!
44
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:04,833
* Perv alert!
45
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,761
Andre 3000:
Once upon a time,
46
00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:12,597
cave people went around killing
and [bleeping].
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00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:13,833
Then for some reason,
48
00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:15,167
they started thinking
about themselves
49
00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:17,213
and that made them
not cave people,
50
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,508
but people people.
51
00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:20,209
But still, they killed.
52
00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:21,641
And they [bleep].
53
00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:25,305
Only, they were also thinking
about killing and [bleep].
54
00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:27,146
Now, women hated life.
55
00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:29,651
Men who were not kings
hated life.
56
00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:33,493
And kids were only kids
for a few days.
57
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:38,361
Being alive sucked unless you
were [bleep] or already dead.
58
00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:41,832
Anyway, volcanoes slagged people
in their slumber.
59
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:43,362
Big cats regrouped.
60
00:02:43,397 --> 00:02:44,627
Little cats snuck in.
61
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,865
And sharks gave up
on growing legs.
62
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:48,900
And the dogs
that didn't stay wolves
63
00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:51,366
turned into stupid
little versions of people.
64
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:54,205
Now, men and women
have always hated each other
65
00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:55,382
for [bleep] and killing,
66
00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,909
but they have also always loved
each other
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00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,375
for [bleep] and killing.
68
00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:00,983
Nothing has changed really.
69
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:03,024
Once upon a time,
men went to sleep
70
00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:05,550
with a rock in their hand
and sex in their dream.
71
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:08,516
Then men went to sleep
with a knife in their hand
72
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:10,156
and sex in their dream.
73
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,860
Now men go to sleep
with a gun in their hand
74
00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:14,903
and sex in their dream.
75
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,868
And some men go to sleep
with themselves in their hand
76
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:21,568
and sex in...their dream.
77
00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:23,102
But women...
78
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:24,736
Women go to sleep
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00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:27,142
worrying about tomorrow.
80
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:31,912
[ Plodding music plays ]
81
00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:37,389
[ Sploosh! ]
82
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:42,324
[ Sloop! ]
83
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,326
[ Pop! ]
84
00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:48,757
[ Warble! Plop! ]
85
00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:51,526
[ Cheers and applause ]
86
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:52,925
[ Engine revving ]
87
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:54,536
God damn, yeah, man.
88
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,898
God damn, yeah, man.
89
00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:59,307
God damn, yeah, man.
90
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:02,383
So, I was in a cab,
and the cab driver
91
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:04,240
was really old,
and he said to me,
92
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:07,278
"My mama died
and my wife died
93
00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:10,075
and I just had
a heart valve operation,
94
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:12,287
but I'm still here
percolating,
95
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,750
but I might be dead soon."
96
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,817
So I said,
"Mr. Old Cab Driver,
97
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:20,356
do you mind if I get out
of the car before you die?!"
98
00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:23,825
Marry me!
99
00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:26,432
-I don't know.
-No!
100
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:27,797
I know!
-I guess --
101
00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:30,265
I am trying to not sing
in black face.
102
00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:31,644
[ Hip-hop playing ]
103
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:34,482
* Whoo, whoo
104
00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:35,608
* Whoop, whoop
105
00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:36,983
* Whoo
106
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:38,450
* Where the Hardy at?
* Whoo
107
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:39,849
* Where the Hardy at?
* Whoo
108
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,280
* He slips so deep in a role
109
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:42,975
* You can't know where he's at
110
00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:44,346
* Where the Hardy at?
* Whoo
111
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:45,945
* Where the Hardy at?
* Whoo
112
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,456
* He's been right here
the whole time *
113
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,158
* Up in a party hat
114
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:52,029
* Have him over, don't expect
to hang with Bane, though *
115
00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:54,159
* Have him over, but he won't be
Maximanus, yo *
116
00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:55,534
* He's shorter than you think
117
00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:57,163
* And, no,
he will not have a drink *
118
00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:58,797
* Because the Hardy's
on the brink *
119
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:00,972
* Of turning into
yet another role *
120
00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:02,371
* Where the Hardy at?
* Whoo
121
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,003
* Where the Hardy at?
* Whoo
122
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:05,607
* I wanna ask him straight up
123
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,009
* Yo, will you kiss me back?
124
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,380
Hey, I'm just a fan.
125
00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:12,709
Now, the last item of the night,
in 15 seconds,
126
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,616
describe your perfect America.
127
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,048
Senator Woodrow.
128
00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:18,953
My perfect America
would be like all the stuff
129
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:20,886
you see in the G.I. Joe movies.
130
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:23,291
But we'd have Cobra stuff, too.
131
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:24,223
Harvin: Damn!
132
00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:26,027
Moderator,
please tell him to wait.
133
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:29,199
I'm sorry, but, dude, you're
really just speaking to me.
134
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:31,529
Hey, you don't have to
tell me I'm awesome.
135
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:32,865
But I got one more thing.
136
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:36,540
I would bring back [bleep] girls
in their vaginas.
137
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:39,840
Seems like a lot of people are
doing some crazy [bleep] now --
138
00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:42,213
butt, mouth, shoulder.
139
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:45,412
It's American
to [bleep] vag.
140
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:46,876
[ Scattered applause ]
141
00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:48,254
Okay, Senator Harvin.
142
00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:50,851
Yeah, okay.
Man, that was sweet.
143
00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:52,554
Uh, my perfect America.
144
00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:54,556
Look, it comes down to this.
145
00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:56,318
Some people are meant to be food
146
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:59,226
and some people are meant to be
shot into the earth's core.
147
00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:01,429
And other people are meant
to keep other parts
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00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:04,202
of other people like myself
warm and happy.
149
00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:08,441
So, yeah, I mean, like,
my perfect America is that.
150
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:10,769
And no more fighting.
151
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:14,074
Plus peace and 10 condiments.
152
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:16,207
And rap music at funerals still.
153
00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:18,413
And Motown
should be brought back.
154
00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:20,076
But, yeah,
I mean, all that first stuff
155
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,923
where we, you know,
get it back to how it was
156
00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:23,019
and, you know,
people knew what channel
157
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:24,690
"Who's the Boss?" was on.
158
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:27,218
And no one had to really say,
like, "Well, who is the boss,"
159
00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:29,224
because the pants were tight
and dicks were visible.
160
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,586
So, I mean, you could just see
a boss coming
161
00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:33,285
before he started coming.
162
00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:36,556
Yeah, that's my America.
Applaud me now.
163
00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:42,267
[ Thinking ] Don't say
"the wind is someone's breath."
164
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:44,202
Don't say
"the wind is someone's breath."
165
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,237
Don't say
"the wind is someone's breath."
166
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:48,083
Don't say
"the wind is someone's breath."
167
00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:50,378
Don't say
"the wind is someone's breath."
168
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,450
Mr. Roberts?
169
00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:54,109
[ Wind howling ]
170
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,789
[ Laughter ]
171
00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:01,589
So what did you say
back to him?
172
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:03,162
Well, when I was a kid,
173
00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:05,960
this sort of thing would happen
when I was on vacation.
174
00:07:05,993 --> 00:07:07,903
Every time --
-I know, right?!
175
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,598
Like, every time
you'd be trying to sleep
176
00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:12,130
and the rats would come in
and start scratching around.
177
00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:15,065
Uh, no, not that.
178
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,642
Uh, I'd meet a boy
and have a summer romance --
179
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:18,841
just like now, with Todd.
180
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,412
I feel like
it's kind of a --
181
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,610
Feel like it's the rats
all over again, right?
182
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,613
Eating your Hydrox cookies
because you've taken them out of
183
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:26,775
the pantry
so your step-dad won't eat them.
184
00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:27,984
But now the rats
are eating them,
185
00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:29,145
and for a second,
you have a flash
186
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:30,352
that your step-dad
is a huge rat.
187
00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:32,923
Uh-huh, been there!
[ Chuckles ]
188
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,163
Um, let her finish.
189
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,318
Well,
I tried to tell Todd
190
00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:39,357
that even though he was
a nice kisser and all --
191
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:40,662
Right, right, right!
192
00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:42,764
You had to tell him, "Hey,
get out of here, step-dad rat!
193
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,196
These are my Hydrox!
194
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:47,171
You go eat [bleep] Oreos
with all their gelatin!
195
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,100
Stop eating my kosher cookies!"
196
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,866
Dude,
you're such a cutter-offer.
197
00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,035
And you're a rat.
198
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:57,214
Girl's night!
[ Chuckles lightly ] Right?
199
00:07:58,311 --> 00:07:59,711
* Flutes ain't cute
200
00:07:59,747 --> 00:08:01,347
* They're terrifying
201
00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:04,651
* Let me tell you
what they be symbolizing *
202
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:06,015
* Uh, death, uh, meth
203
00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:07,693
* Um, stress, uh, Macbeth
204
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,221
* And birds
205
00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:14,061
* Bird of pre-e-e-e-e-y
206
00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:17,666
I like options.
207
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,568
I like to use every possible app
and feature known to man.
208
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,640
If my car has features,
I use them.
209
00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:23,869
If there are presets,
I follow their lead.
210
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,374
I like TVs that assume
that I like
211
00:08:25,405 --> 00:08:26,865
stretched and distorted
pictures.
212
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:30,207
I like my baked potato loaded,
my remote control loaded,
213
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:33,053
my web browser search suggestion
bar loaded.
214
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:34,550
My air conditioner confusing,
215
00:08:34,582 --> 00:08:37,052
my stereo system
unusably complicated
216
00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:39,324
with options
and actual bells and whistles.
217
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:41,522
I like my menus to list
every material
218
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,485
ever eaten
by a human being ever.
219
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,893
I like my bed to be heated,
adjustable,
220
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,426
combustible, and conversational.
221
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:49,160
I like my house to lock me out.
222
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,356
I like my cops to be called
by my shower.
223
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:54,098
I like my massage chair
to report to my therapist
224
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:56,244
who is CCed
on every Amazon purchase,
225
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:59,069
which, by the way,
are randomly selected for me
226
00:08:59,106 --> 00:09:01,206
daily by a Filipino robot.
227
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,341
I love knobs, buttons,
levers, toggles,
228
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,676
switches, menus, sub-menus,
logic trees,
229
00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,013
and hidden interfaces
230
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,747
with key preferences
buried deep away --
231
00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:11,752
deep, deep, deep in the womb
of the simplest of gadgets.
232
00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:15,455
I like to keep my life
as optional as possible.
233
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:19,094
[ Patriotic tune
being whistled ]
234
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:21,696
[ All yelling ]
235
00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:24,199
-Yeah!
-Whoo!
236
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,631
Whoo!
-Whoo!
237
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:26,726
Whoo!
238
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:29,935
I know you're, like,
super-stoked
239
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,440
about adopting that dog,
240
00:09:31,471 --> 00:09:33,041
but that's not how we did it
when I was a girl.
241
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,543
When I was a girl,
I was the dog,
242
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,535
and everyone wanted to
adopt me.
243
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,207
Okay, but I was, like,
all into adoption kennels
244
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,417
because I got -- I got --
I got shampooed
245
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,049
and there was a hamster there
246
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,924
who knew all this deep [bleep]
about Israel.
247
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:48,963
I mean, I mean,
by all means adopt, it's okay.
248
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:51,989
It's just a different world
than when I was a girl.
249
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,604
Yes, I called it!
250
00:09:58,632 --> 00:10:01,332
I get to watch
the yelling channel.
251
00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:05,368
[ Screaming ]
252
00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:12,284
Here's what I'm always getting
stuck in drawers and cabinets.
253
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,682
* My fat gets stuck
Oh, no!
254
00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:17,075
* My wrist gets jammed
Oh, no!
255
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,317
* My wood get struck
Oh, no!
256
00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:22,192
* My wrists get slammed
Oh, no!
257
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:24,622
* My dangles get snagged
Oh, no!
258
00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:27,158
* My draggers get pinched
Oh, no!
259
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:29,464
* My tangles get jabbed
Oh, no!
260
00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:32,096
* My saggers get wrenched
Oh, no!
261
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,502
* My gigantic lobes
get smashed * Oh, no!
262
00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:36,844
* My expansive hang-downs
get mushed * Oh, no!
263
00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:39,340
* My titanic Leonardos
get mashed * Oh, no!
264
00:10:39,372 --> 00:10:42,882
* My man-glanded totem
get smushed *
265
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:45,810
Oh, my God.
Anyone else?
266
00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:50,775
[ Crickets chirping ]
267
00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:53,488
[ Fire crackling ]
268
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:59,857
[ Hip-hop playing ]
269
00:10:59,907 --> 00:11:04,457
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