All language subtitles for A.P Bio s04e05 The Perfect Date from Hell.eng

- And how did that
make you feel, Shayla?

- Going to the symphony?

I don't know.
Bored?

It's like just going to see
the closing credits of a movie.

- I meant, how do you feel

about this
potential relationship?

- I don't think
it's a good fit.

He always has just
the right amount of stubble.

It's too deliberate.

- I think you're doing
what you always do.

Prematurely ending
a relationship

to avoid the inevitable pain
that love brings.

- No, I did not end
the last one prematurely.

We had
irreconcilable differences.

He. Wore. Socks. In. Bed.

- Okay,
I have an assignment for you.

Take out your day planner,
right now, please.

I want you to give this new guy
a couple of months,

just to break
the cycle of self-sabotage.

So mark 60 days
from your first date,

and on that day,
you can dump him

if you choose to do so.

- 60 days,
and then it's Dump Day.

I don't know, I feel kinda bad

using this guy
as my therapy homework.

- Is it worse than ghosting him
now because of his stubble?

- I met someone, y'all!

[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- * Next time,
I'll listen to my heart *

* Next time,
well, I'll be smart *

* *

- Yeah, I thought
I was done with romance,

but I have now been on two
stellar dates with Shayla--

- Ooh!

That would be
Ms. Shayla Howard,

the A.P. English substitute.

- Ms. Howard? I have her
when Ms. Miller's out.

One time, she drank a one liter
of Diet Coke during a class.

A morning class.
I like her.

- Well, I like her too.

And yes, I have noticed
that many of you are

dressed like
riverboat casino croupiers,

but I don't wanna
talk about that yet.

I'm just gonna let that drift
on down the Big Muddy a spell.

[chuckles]
'Cause right now,

what's floating my boat
is Shayla.

And I'm pulling out
all the stops to impress her.

- Sounds like you might
be overcompensating.

- Exactly wrong, Marcus.

You see, by putting myself
out there in big ways,

I risk looking like a fool,

which is exactly
the kind of vulnerability

that I didn't show
in my last relationship.

- No crap, Matlock.

- Oh, wow.
You, uh...

You know "Matlock."
Interesting.

Today's mission is
planning my next

big romantic move with Shayla!

- Ooh, whatever it is, Mr. G,
you should make it a surprise.

If I'm like, "Can I buy you
some chicken nuggets, girl?"

that's romantic, but if I say,

"I already got you
these chicken nuggets, girl,"

that's even more romantic
'cause I was thinking 'bout her

when we weren't even together.

When I was at McDonald's.

- You can whisk her away

to a secluded cabin
in the woods.

- Maybe something
with blindfolds?

They can enhance
your other senses.

- Okay, uh, so far,
what you two are describing

is an abduction.

- Maybe you could surprise her
by showing

a genuine interest in her life.

Like, if she was wearing
an out-of-character outfit,

maybe you could
ask her about it.

- All right, fine, Anthony,
why don't you go ahead

and tell me
why you're dressed like

a Fantastic Sams
street marketing team?

Just please, don't say
you're an a cappella group.

- Guilty as charged!

We're the Car Tunes.

- That's C-A-R space T-U-N-E-S.

- What?
What's the car?

Do you guys sing from inside
a big cardboard car?

- We do now.
That's a great idea.

- Oh, Heather, not you too.

- Oh, I'm the manager, boss.

I booked them for
this morning announcements.

And hey, I'm ready to book them

for your perfect date.

[blows pitch pipe]

- Ah, oh, oh, oh!
Nope, wait.

Why don't you just
go ahead and--go ahead

and close those mouths
without singing a single note.

Okay?

Anthony?

Close that mouth or I'm gonna
throw something in it.

You better--hey, man.

I'm--yeah.

A cappella music has no place
in a perfect date, okay?

Or in life.
I need something else.

- They're screening
"The Rocky Horror Picture Show"

at the drive-in Friday night.

- Oh, great!

Yeah,
that's right up her alley.

Okay, now,
I could ask her if she's free

on Friday, but, uh,

I want those
chicken nugget points.

So I think we need
to take a peek at her calendar.

Now, she keeps an actual,
physical day planner

in her purse.

- Leave it to us, boss.

We can have peepers
on that planner

by E.O.D.

- Okay, I appreciate it,
Heather,

and I am very concerned
about the fact

that you're pulling out
that pitch pipe again.

- Well, it just
kinda seemed like we were

all good on the mission part,

so maybe it's time for the--

[blows pitch pipe]

- [all alternating]
* Car, car, car, car tunes *

- Music is meant to have
instruments, you guys!

Why cut out the instruments?

[percussive music]

- I just wanted a damn snack.

- Ralph!

You're not gonna believe
what we just got in the mail.

- Did Pat Sajak write back?

- Even better!

It's a gift certificate

for Shrimptuberfeast,

from Captain Grumpy's
Seafood Roadhouse!

- * Captain Grumpy's
Seafood Roadhouse *

[together]
* Where they let you throw *

* The shrimp tails
on the floor *

[both laughing]

- Oh, but I thought that

Shrimptuberfeast
was in the fall.

- No, that's
Shrimptoberfest.

- Captain Grumpy's is offering

a "deserving member
of our staff"

the enjoyment of an evening
of endless shrimp

and bottomless tap water
for two!

We have the most
shrimp-deserving staff

in all of Toledo.

How do we pick just one?

Do, like, a series
of interviews?

- Ralph, the teachers
think of you as a God.

They're not gonna
toot their horn around you.

- If only there was a way
to embed myself, you know?

To get to know the faculty
and their stories,

not as a boss, but as an equal.

[sighs]

[dramatic music]

* *

- Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- I bet I am!

* *

- Okay, so Mr. Rochester
keeps his violently insane wife

locked in an attic.

Now, what would I do
if I were Jane Eyre?

I...would...leave...

in my...carriage!

Come on, guys, really think

about what I would do
in some of these situations!

- Good afternoon, ma'am.

I have an official work order

to set this up for next period.

- [clears throat]

[suspenseful music]

- As you can see,
there's two signatures

and the official school logo.

All above board.

- You can just toss it, thanks.

[sighing]
Okay, where was I?

Mr. Rochester bonds with Jane--
- Two hours I spent on this.

- Then goes to party
and comes back with "Blanche."

Now, what would I say
to the two of them

if I were Jane?

Think, you guys!

* *

- Showtime.

- Excuse me, Ms. Howard?

That boy in the hallway
looks lost.

- Okay.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, do you need help?

- Oh, you're a dear.

I can't seem to find
the office.

- You mean the office
one door down?

- Oh, right.
Uh, not that office.

I meant the office...

Of the cafeteria.

- The kitchen?

* *

- Damn it,
I need more time.

Ca-caw.

[over radio]
Ca-caw.

- Ca-caw.

[over radio]
Ca-caw.

- Oh, good, can you help
this boy find the cafeteria?

- He doesn't go here.

He only comes here
to steal beans.

Quick, check his bag.

- No.

- Fine,
I'll do it.

Stolen beans!

Take him
to the principal's office.

- Freeze!
All three of you.

* *

- Thanks.

- Actually,
you may wanna see this.

- No, not my pocket!

- Ha-hah!

They were both stealing beans.

Take them
to the principal's office!

- I'm going back to class.

[dramatic sting]

- Dump Day?

- Uh,
are you in this class?

- Attention, everyone!

I've got
the new music teacher here,

so start getting to know him
by, you know,

telling him about yourself
and all your hardships.

- Pump the brakes there,
Hell-on-Wheels.

This songbird can carry
his own tune.

- It is happening at long last.

We are being
"Undercover Boss"-ed.

- What does that mean?

- That means whoever tells
Durbin the biggest sob story

gets a cash prize.

- One of us is getting $20,000.

But you gotta pretend like
you don't know it's him.

- My face hurts.

[laughter]

- Stef Duncan, history.

- This is Joseph Teagues.
- Oh.

- And he's left-handed.

And that's why we know
that he's so creative.

- Hey. Uh, Jojo.

I've danced with Lady Music
in every dress she can wear.

Saw a lotta naked ladies
with the boys

in They Might Be Giants

and banged a lot of
"they might've been giants"

with the Barenaked Ladies.

[laughter]

You name a song,
I've played it.

- "Piano Man."
- All that stuff.

You know,
and I'm still grateful.

What are you grateful for,
Stef?

- Oh,
plenty of things.

Unlike the orphans
that I take canoeing.

You know, my dream is
to take them to Disneyworld,

and let them ride
the log flume,

the world's best canoe,

but that'd be, like, 20K.

- That's gone up.
- Wow.

Righteous buzzkill
about the, uh...

orphans not having any rent.

I mean, do you, uh, recall
a particular orphan

that maybe talked about
wanting to eat a ton of shrimp?

- Helen! There you are.

Is this the man
who's gonna be replacing me?

16 years and I gotta hear
about it in the hallways?

- Damn it, I forgot
to give Trudy the heads up.

- I'm gonna set myself on fire.

- Okay, whoa. Hey, listen.

I'm not into that, all right?

Self-immolation is
a Jojo no-no, so I'm--

I'm gonna go talk
to this cool cat, Durbin.

And I'm gonna
stone-cold resign.

And then I'll leave
through a different door,

so you'll probably never
see me again, so, uh,

you know, remember,
you can lick the devil's candy,

but don't get in his van.

- You know, I gotta say,
it's so chivalrous of you

to escort me
all the way to my classroom.

- Not a big thing.

I escort a lot of guys
to their classrooms.

- [sighing]
Oh!

That's a huge load off,
because, um...

I'm sleeping
with the bus driver.

- [laughing] Oh!
- Yeah.

- You know, you have been
very secretive about this bag.

You got a dead body in there,
or--

- Ah, no.

A gentleman never tells.

- Okay.

- Good morning, everybody!
Ooh!

So I got all the--

got the "Rocky Horror"
costumes, you know.

The bread, the rice,

the hot dogs
to throw at the screen.

This is gonna be fun.

What's going on?

Did something go wrong
with the mission?

Did you guys not
get the planner?

Does Shayla have plans tonight?

Why didn't you tell me

before I bought
all these fishnets?

- No, we got the planner.

It's just...

there was some
pretty crazy stuff in there.

Stuff that's so messed up,

you should probably
just move on.

Right, Victor?

- Oh, yeah.

She had an appointment
to eat boogers.

Ah, no, no, somebody else go.

- Will somebody please tell me
what the hell's going on?

- The whole thing's a sham,
boss.

I'm sorry.
You're therapy homework.

[dramatic drum beats]

[sad thumb piano music]

- If you're facing away

to hide the shame
of your tears,

please know that none of us are
judging you for your sorrow.

- I've got it.

- [sighs]
Good to have you back, boss.

Did you figure out a way
to dump her ass?

- No, I'm not gonna let her
off the hook that easily.

I'm gonna ruin
her little therapy assignment.

It is my ass
that will be dumped by her.

[chuckling]

Forget a romantic night
at the movies.

We're about to treat Shayla
to the perfect date...

[chalk scratching]

From hell.

- You actually crossed out
"perfect."

- Yeah, uh, but then, you know,
I thought about it,

and I was like, "I think
I like the sound of it better

with 'perfect' in there."

So I put it back in. Yeah.

So what is the creepiest place

that you guys can think of
to take a date?

- Spiders.

- Spi--no,
what places, Yuyao.

- Spider factory.

- Real places.

- Funeral home.

- Mm!
An old lady's house.

- A deadold lady's house.

all: Ooh.

- What? What is it?

- Well, what's the one place
we all know

that's covered in creepy
religious iconography

and reeks of death and sadness?

- It's your house, Matlock!

- Oh, yes. Yes.

Shayla thinks
she can suffer through

two months with me?

[laughs]
Fat chance!

She's about to learn that
Jack Griffin is insufferable.

[devious music]

- Well, here it is.
Faculty lounge. I like it.

Bada bing, bada boom.

You got some real, uh...

real interesting
electricity here.

- Hey, Nick, I want you
to meet Mary Wagner here.

- Oh, Nick,
professional electrician.

Hey, you mind, uh, showing me
where the light switch is?

- Oh, yeah, sure.
Right this way.

You know, I find that helping
is a gift that can be opened

again and again.

- Oh, now that's a motto!

- Well, helping is something
that I learned

from my frail
immigrant parents.

They both have
so much carpal tunnel

all over their hands and wrists
from, um,

working in
a calculator factory...

[fake crying]
For so many years.

I'm sorry, you guys are trying
to work, and I'm weeping.

- Hey, hey, why don't you, uh,

tell me more
about your parents.

- It's dumb, but my mom has
always talked about owning

a Legend 200 Soft Spa hot tub.

Yeah, she said it was
the only thing that would ease

the years
of back-breaking work.

Also, she wanted it installed
in my backyard because...

[choking up]
They're not zoned for it.

- I wonder if she wouldn't
equally enjoy, you know,

eating shrimp in such a way

that she wouldn't have to worry
about, you know,

stopping eating shrimp

later on that
particular evening.

[electricity buzzes]
[high-pitched scream]

That--
[clears throat]

That's, uh--that's--
that's normal, you know.

I like to--I like to burn out
the old wires

before I put in the new ones.

[electricity crackling]

[electric zap]

- You know who'd get a kick
out of this, I'll tell you,

is the electrician
that we usually use.

- Let's go talk to that guy!
- Yeah, we should--

[relaxed '50s style music]

* *

- So let me get this straight.

First date,

truffle oil roasted salmon
at Mancy's.

- Yeah.

- Second date,

Toledo Symphony Orchestra

followed by
a romantic walk in the park.

- Uh-huh.

- Third date,

watch Norman Bates eat Manchego

like an apple?

- Oh, my apologies.

Did you wanna pet
the little doggies?

- Okay,
I think I get what this is.

You're tanking this date.

- What?
I'm not tanking the date.

What're you talking about?

- I get it, trust me.

I know all about
sabotaging a relationship

for no good reason.

[clears throat]

I once told a guy

that he needed
to ask my ex-boyfriend

for permission to date me

and then took him
to a cemetery.

- [chuckling]
- Yeah.

- That's pretty good.

- It was.
It was really good.

- Okay.
- Mm.

- So these eyebrows are gonna
take about 12 hours to dry,

so you're gonna have to sleep
standing up like a horse.

- Maybe we do, like,
a younger librarian costume

with less involved makeup?

- A younger librarian?

Honestly, Ralph,

I am usually nice to you,

but that's one of the dumbest
things you've ever said.

- Oh, hi, Helen.

- Oh, hi!
Hi, Michelle

I'm just having an affair
with the new librarian.

- Oh, you're not married.

- Oh, well,
he might be married.

Are you married, Harry?

- Single and ready to dingle!

- Oh, no.

- This is Harry Henderson.

And he's our new librarian.

And what the heck are you
doing here so late?

- Well, I'm just really
burning the candle

at both ends these days.

Putting in some extra hours
to try and pay off

my crippling gambling debts.

I'm juiced on the cards.

Solitaire, Old Maid, Uno!

[chuckles]

I owe a lot of money

to some really rough people.

- Well,
not exactly a noble problem.

How much do you owe?

And, please,
convert it to shrimp.

- Uh, 20,000,
so 20...hundred shrimp.

Wait, what country is using
shrimp as a currency?

- [sighs]
Yeah, you know what?

That powerful story
just knocked a chunk of ear

off of Harry here.

We're gonna go to the hospital
and get it reattached.

- Yeah.
- Owie. Ooh, owie.

- We'll be back.
- Okay.

- All right,
what's your worst one?

- Okay, okay, one time,

I hung a portrait
of a naked man over my bed

and told him it was my dad.

[both laugh]

- That's pretty good.

That'll get rid of 'em.

One time, I told this girl

that I couldn't fly out
to meet her family

because I had been
banned from Tampa.

[both laugh]

- I almost broke up with a guy

because his stubble was
too deliberate.

- Okay, well,
he sounds like a dope.

- Actually, he's growing on me.

- [chuckling]
Oh, okay.

That's good. You got me.

- I guess I'm a walking
razor commercial, huh?

- Full disclosure,

I really was ready
to tank this,

but my therapist convinced me
to give it a fair chance.

You're kinda
my therapy homework.

- It's fine. I know.

I, uh...I had my students
look through your planner.

And when they found out,
we came up with this whole plan

to manipulate you
into dumping me

so that you would
fail at therapy.

- What?
- Yeah.

The whole thing was fake.

The lost kid,
the stolen beans--

those beans were not stolen.

I bought all those beans.

- Why would you do that?

- Well, you know,

you were trying
to make a fool out of me,

so I wanted to make a fool
out of you.

- That is so messed up.

I wasn't trying
to make a fool out of you.

I was trying to give myself
time to trust someone.

[melancholy music]

I really hope
it was worth buying

all these creepy decorations
just to freak me out.

[door slams]

[school bell rings]

[downcast music]

- Hey, Jack!
You miss me?

- I didn't know you were gone.

- Busted! I wasn't.

- Oh, is that right?
- Yeah.

Are you...you okay?
Is something wrong?

- I had a bad date.

- Oh, oh. Hey, hey.
Love and prayers, brother.

Love and prayers.

- Well, she dumped me.

- Aye!
[all cheering]

[upbeat pop music plays]

* *

- No.
Hey guys, stop!

Stop. Stop dancing!
Stop the dancing.

Victor, please don't Dougie.

Know when not to Dougie.

I changed my mind, guys,

and by the time she dumped me,
I didn't want it.

- You're exhausting.

- Yeah, well, Shayla agrees.

I told her about
our dumb revenge mission,

which I think was
Anthony's idea,

and she insulted my house
and left.

- This will not stand.
No way.

This type of thing?
She's toast, right, Mr. G?

- [sighs]

No, I mean,
I don't want revenge.

I just...

I just--I just wanna
lay down for a bit.

You know.

[groans]

- Well, if you still
wanna date her,

maybe it's not too late

to tell her
how you really feel.

- I wouldn't know what to say.

[soft music]

- You can say "I'm sorry"
in the sweetest,

most talented way possible:

pure vocal expression,
straight from the heart.

* *

- Weird way of putting it,
but yeah.

An apology.

Not usually my style,
but, you know, when they zig,

you zag.

[percussive music]

- Can you hurry up?
[indistinct chatter]

- Hey!
- Oh, Durbin!

- Durbin!
- You're back!

- You would not believe
the crazy characters we met

while you were out of town.

- Ladies, I will let you in
on a little secret, okay?

Jojo and the electrician
and Harry Henderson,

and assistant badminton
manager Philippe

were all me in costume.

- Uh, no!
- What?

- What?
That's impossible.

There's no way--
- Helen.

Helen, it's okay.

We don't have
to pretend anymore.

- Oh, Ralph,
I wasn't pretending.

I really forgot.
Oh, now, that is scary.

Let's go ahead
and tell 'em about the prize.

- Come on, big money!
- No whammies!

- This is "Jeopardy"!

- I have decided
that there is one teacher

truly deserving
of this great prize.

I mean, even though
he had a bad date last night,

he still showed up today
to inspire his students.

- If you say you're giving
$20,000 to Jack,

I'm gonna lose my damn mind.

- $20,000--
I'm not giving away $20,000!

The prize that I'm giving Jack
is invaluable.

Because the all-you-can-eat

Captain Grumpy's
Seafood Roadhouse

Shrimptuberfeast certificate

has no cash value.

- So we get no money

and no Captain Grumpy's
Seafood Roadhouse?

- No!

They let you throw
the tails on the floor!

- And the bathrooms have
bowls of free crawfish.

Should I make a reservation?

- Now, that's an aye, aye
from me, okay?

Coupon or no coupon,
I want some shrimps.

And some bathroom crawfish.

- The decorations were not
meant to freak you out, okay?

Those are my actual things.

Like the cuckoo clock
with the angel?

That's my cuckoo clock.

[chalk scratching]

Look, I'm--

I'm sorry I tried
to ruin your therapy.

But I like you, and...

I would really like
to continue to like you.

- Well, to be honest,

my original plan was
to get to exactly two months

and then dump you.

So I guess we could just
stick to the original plan.

- Hey, I'll--
I'll take that.

That sounds good.

- Honk, honk.

- Oh. Oh, no, no.

Guys.
Guys, please don't do this.

both: * Beep, beep *

All: * My heart is roamin' *

- I swear I had nothing to do
with the singing children.

both: * Now we're zoomin' *
both: * Beep, beep *

both: * Our car is gassed,
our heart can last *

* If we were in
and cruise into the *

all: * Love highway *

- [in baritone]
* Love highway *

all: * Beep beep, beep beep,
beep beep *

- Congratulations, Jack!

You just won
a romantic dinner for two!

- Okay, I swear I had
nothing to do

with whatever this is, either.

- Yeah, right.

all: * Beep beep, beep beep,
beep beep *

- Okay.
- You're pulling me.

- I'm trying to turn.

- I should be driving!

- Show faces, people.
Smiles till you're offstage.

[upbeat music]

* *

[suspicious music]

* *

- Ralph!

It's me, Helen.

Good news!

Kangaroo Lu's
Down Under Taco Hut

just sent us two weekend passes

to Tacodile Dundee's
Burrito Bash.

Don't worry. I got this one.

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