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1
00:00:29,626 --> 00:00:31,378
Was it a good night?
2
00:00:31,127 --> 00:00:35,325
- Yeah. A little celebration.
- You deserve it.
3
00:00:35,367 --> 00:00:38,677
It's not every day you get to become
a swimming instructor,
4
00:00:38,727 --> 00:00:40,718
even in your job.
5
00:00:40,767 --> 00:00:43,406
Not every lifeguard's got what it takes.
6
00:00:43,447 --> 00:00:46,325
Like that fella Darren,
he started before me...
7
00:00:46,367 --> 00:00:49,040
He's not there any more, is he?
8
00:00:49,087 --> 00:00:52,045
- Didn't he go to university?
- Mm.
9
00:00:53,367 --> 00:00:55,403
What was wrong with your pizza?
10
00:00:55,447 --> 00:00:57,438
I'll tell you what's wrong.
11
00:00:57,487 --> 00:01:00,524
This is what's wrong.
I told 'em on the phone, I said,
12
00:01:00,567 --> 00:01:02,444
''No olives.''
13
00:01:02,487 --> 00:01:05,081
- No what?
- Olives.
14
00:01:05,127 --> 00:01:10,076
I burnt the roof of my mouth last night,
on that microwave pasty.
15
00:01:11,287 --> 00:01:13,517
That's why I ordered the pizza.
16
00:01:14,567 --> 00:01:16,558
In the end, I just got a curry.
17
00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:21,762
Where's that?
18
00:01:55,927 --> 00:01:57,918
(Sighs )
19
00:02:34,967 --> 00:02:38,039
- What are you doing in there?
- Nothing.
20
00:03:13,767 --> 00:03:17,203
- Errol?.
- (Nervously) What?
21
00:03:17,247 --> 00:03:19,636
Where's my toothbrush?
22
00:03:22,127 --> 00:03:24,721
It's all right. Found it.
23
00:03:31,807 --> 00:03:34,321
- Hiya.
- All right.
24
00:03:34,367 --> 00:03:36,722
Just gonna go out and get some milk.
25
00:03:36,767 --> 00:03:39,406
- We've got milk.
- What sort?
26
00:03:39,447 --> 00:03:42,598
There's normal.
Semi-skimmed in the fridge.
27
00:03:42,647 --> 00:03:45,207
Is there a thing such as skimmed?
28
00:03:45,247 --> 00:03:48,956
- Yeah.
- Mmm, that sounds nice.
29
00:03:49,007 --> 00:03:51,646
I think I'll try that, then.
30
00:03:51,687 --> 00:03:55,396
- (Mumbles ) All right.
- So, I'll go get some milk.
31
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,318
Errol?.
32
00:04:08,047 --> 00:04:11,119
If you're going out...
33
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:13,965
can you post this back
to the pizza place?
34
00:04:14,007 --> 00:04:17,636
Giving olives to people who don't want olives.
Two can play at that game.
35
00:04:17,687 --> 00:04:20,440
(Errol) Actually, I've changed my mind.
What I might do is...
36
00:04:20,487 --> 00:04:25,163
instead of trying skimmed milk today,
I think I'll decorate your bathroom.
37
00:04:25,207 --> 00:04:28,358
- Why?
- A way of saying thank you, you know.
38
00:04:28,407 --> 00:04:31,160
For letting me stay in your flat.
39
00:04:31,207 --> 00:04:34,119
- All right. OK.
- Thanks.
40
00:04:34,167 --> 00:04:38,399
- You're not going out, then?
- No. Gone off milk.
41
00:04:38,447 --> 00:04:41,245
All right, OK.
42
00:04:50,647 --> 00:04:53,320
Relaxation tape, lesson three.
43
00:04:54,447 --> 00:04:56,438
Awakening the soul.
44
00:04:57,767 --> 00:05:00,201
( Whale song)
45
00:05:00,247 --> 00:05:03,319
Let's take a deep breath.
46
00:05:03,367 --> 00:05:06,325
(Inhales deeply)
47
00:05:06,367 --> 00:05:10,565
And slowly out. (Exhales )
48
00:05:11,967 --> 00:05:15,357
Feel the air
dragging the tension from your body.
49
00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:18,996
Breathe in. (Inhales )
50
00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:23,755
And out. (Exhales )
51
00:05:23,807 --> 00:05:26,446
Mmm...relaxing.
52
00:05:26,487 --> 00:05:30,116
Breathe in. (Inhales )
53
00:05:30,167 --> 00:05:33,239
(Woman ) Nigel, could you take the kids
to playgroup?
54
00:05:33,287 --> 00:05:36,085
I'm trying to make a relaxation tape!
55
00:05:39,327 --> 00:05:41,045
Right, I'm Vince.
56
00:05:41,087 --> 00:05:44,636
- I'm Madeline.
- No, no, no. Put these hats on.
57
00:05:45,687 --> 00:05:48,247
- There you go.
- Where's Stuart?
58
00:05:48,287 --> 00:05:52,041
Sacked. Put the wrong chemicals
in the toddlers' pool.
59
00:05:52,087 --> 00:05:55,238
OK, the first thing I want to ask...
60
00:05:55,287 --> 00:05:58,359
why do you want to learn to swim?
Number 6?
61
00:05:58,407 --> 00:06:01,126
I've got two boys
and I want to take 'em swimming.
62
00:06:01,167 --> 00:06:05,718
And embarrass them? Dad splashing
around like a clown in a Jacuzzi? Bad reason.
63
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:08,725
- Number two?
- I've always wanted to swim with dolphins.
64
00:06:08,767 --> 00:06:12,157
Nutter. Number three?
Don't I... Don't I know you?
65
00:06:12,207 --> 00:06:14,675
- I've always wanted to swim because...
- No, no.
66
00:06:14,727 --> 00:06:18,083
Not the question I asked.
Learn to listen. Number four?
67
00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:22,678
I'm getting married and I want to
surprise my fianc� on our honeymoon.
68
00:06:22,727 --> 00:06:25,036
- Where are you going?
- Barbados.
69
00:06:25,087 --> 00:06:28,875
A lot a sharks but lovely beaches.
Worth the risk. Good answer.
70
00:06:28,927 --> 00:06:31,236
OK, let's get on with the lesson.
71
00:06:31,287 --> 00:06:33,198
See this girl swimming here?
72
00:06:33,247 --> 00:06:35,556
- She's good, isn't she?
- (All) Yes.
73
00:06:35,607 --> 00:06:38,405
What I want you lot to do is that.
74
00:06:38,447 --> 00:06:40,677
Do that. Copy her.
75
00:06:40,727 --> 00:06:42,877
- OK? Don't do that.
- (Splashing)
76
00:06:42,927 --> 00:06:46,806
- He looks like he's in trouble.
- Exactly. Yeah.
77
00:06:46,847 --> 00:06:49,645
Good point. OK, get in the pool.
78
00:06:49,687 --> 00:06:52,042
(Swimmer struggling and choking)
79
00:06:52,087 --> 00:06:54,317
(Vince whistles melody )
80
00:06:54,367 --> 00:06:56,483
- (Vince ) All right, Errol?.
- Hiya.
81
00:06:56,527 --> 00:06:58,518
- (Vince ) How you getting on?
- Good.
82
00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:01,843
Done the preparation,
just about to start the undercoat.
83
00:07:01,887 --> 00:07:05,163
Oh, no. I haven't decided
what colour I want yet.
84
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:08,358
I bought some magazines -
get a few ideas.
85
00:07:19,127 --> 00:07:21,357
What do you think of this colour?
86
00:07:22,487 --> 00:07:24,478
I'd rather not look at that.
87
00:07:25,807 --> 00:07:30,005
- It's a nice way to do a bathroom.
- It just seems wrong.
88
00:07:30,047 --> 00:07:32,959
It's only apple green
with a hint of basil.
89
00:07:33,007 --> 00:07:37,319
It's not right.
You shouldn't have things like that.
90
00:07:37,367 --> 00:07:41,076
- It's just a lifestyle magazine.
- I don't like that lifestyle.
91
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:47,043
Well, you have to. When you go to the paint
shop, you've got to match this exact colour.
92
00:07:47,087 --> 00:07:49,078
Here you are.
93
00:07:49,127 --> 00:07:50,958
- Do I have to?
- Yeah.
94
00:07:51,007 --> 00:07:53,441
It's the only way you get the colour.
95
00:07:57,607 --> 00:08:00,724
Imagine you are floating
somewhere beautiful,
96
00:08:00,767 --> 00:08:04,965
like a pool of clear water.
97
00:08:05,007 --> 00:08:10,127
The fish are nibbling
at the hairs on your thighs.
98
00:08:10,167 --> 00:08:13,523
Feel the sun on your face.
99
00:08:13,567 --> 00:08:16,240
Mmm, warm.
100
00:08:17,407 --> 00:08:22,879
You're drifting
deeper and deeper into space.
101
00:08:22,927 --> 00:08:25,999
(Boy ) Daddy, Lucille pulled my hair.
102
00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:28,038
I'm trying to work!
103
00:08:30,047 --> 00:08:32,436
- You here for the lesson, yeah?
- Yeah.
104
00:08:32,487 --> 00:08:35,843
- Where are the others?
- I think it's just me.
105
00:08:35,887 --> 00:08:40,961
(Sighs ) Right, so, first thing,
why do you want to learn to swim?
106
00:08:41,007 --> 00:08:43,726
Well, I do a lot of glamour modelling,
107
00:08:43,767 --> 00:08:47,237
and when we do shoots round the pool,
I look very nervous.
108
00:08:47,287 --> 00:08:49,278
So the editor of Razzle said,
109
00:08:49,327 --> 00:08:52,603
''Either learn to swim
or it's back to Readers' Wives.''
110
00:08:52,647 --> 00:08:54,717
I thought I recognised you!
111
00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:57,645
- You've got a Zanussi dishwasher.
- Yeah!
112
00:08:57,687 --> 00:09:00,440
- And the blue-checked curtains.
- Mmm.
113
00:09:00,487 --> 00:09:02,478
Your spice rack's not level, is it?
114
00:09:02,527 --> 00:09:05,599
A lot of cupboard space,
I was quite impressed by that.
115
00:09:05,647 --> 00:09:08,161
Cos normally blokes look at the, erm...
116
00:09:08,207 --> 00:09:12,519
No, no, no. I get most of my
decorating ideas from Readers' Wives.
117
00:09:12,567 --> 00:09:16,162
My bedroom is done out like,
you know Julie from Devon?
118
00:09:16,207 --> 00:09:19,597
And I'm thinking of doing
the bathroom like Wanda from Edmonton,
119
00:09:19,647 --> 00:09:21,444
the sort of jade emulsion.
120
00:09:21,487 --> 00:09:25,241
Not sure about the crab stencilling
or the chains on the wall.
121
00:09:25,287 --> 00:09:28,518
I'll let you into a secret.
It's not my kitchen!
122
00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:31,001
Oh, right. I suppose it's a set, isn't it?
123
00:09:31,047 --> 00:09:33,038
No, it's my mum's kitchen.
124
00:09:33,087 --> 00:09:36,875
Oh, right. That explains it,
cos it was quite old-fashioned -
125
00:09:36,927 --> 00:09:40,397
the tea cosy
and those big knickers on the radiator.
126
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:44,838
- I thought they can't be yours...
- Can we get on with the lesson?
127
00:09:44,887 --> 00:09:47,117
Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah.
128
00:09:47,167 --> 00:09:48,725
It's that one.
129
00:09:48,767 --> 00:09:51,645
I need to see a bit more
of the colour, mate.
130
00:09:51,687 --> 00:09:53,678
OK, just... Sorry.
131
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:56,241
Just, erm...
132
00:09:56,287 --> 00:09:58,596
Sorry, pal.
133
00:09:58,647 --> 00:10:00,763
Here, does that help?
134
00:10:00,807 --> 00:10:03,446
Nah. Look, I can't do
a match from that.
135
00:10:03,487 --> 00:10:05,557
- Give us the whole page.
- I can't.
136
00:10:05,607 --> 00:10:07,598
Then I can't help you.
137
00:10:07,647 --> 00:10:09,638
No, hang on. Hold on.
138
00:10:10,767 --> 00:10:12,803
Yeah?
139
00:10:12,847 --> 00:10:17,159
- Erm...
- Any time today's fine.
140
00:10:17,207 --> 00:10:18,765
Sorry.
141
00:10:20,167 --> 00:10:22,203
(Errol) Thank you. Please.
142
00:10:44,047 --> 00:10:47,676
Look, if you want to swim,
you have to get in the water.
143
00:10:47,727 --> 00:10:49,718
I'm scared.
144
00:10:49,767 --> 00:10:52,327
- Would it help if I pushed you in?
- No!
145
00:10:53,367 --> 00:10:55,437
Can't we go in the toddlers' pool?.
146
00:10:55,487 --> 00:10:58,957
I wouldn't risk it,
unless you want pink eyes.
147
00:10:59,007 --> 00:11:02,920
I'm so silly. I should have
learned to swim at school.
148
00:11:02,967 --> 00:11:05,037
But the boys was always staring at me.
149
00:11:05,087 --> 00:11:08,682
It made me very self-conscious, you know,
cos of these.
150
00:11:09,847 --> 00:11:13,476
I was gonna ask you, you know when
you've got them both in the scales,
151
00:11:13,527 --> 00:11:16,837
- and you're looking back at the camera...
- Three pound four ounces.
152
00:11:16,887 --> 00:11:20,596
No, no, no, that plant on the sink,
is that a busy Lizzie?
153
00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:24,435
Look, I'm really not comfortable
talking about my mother's house!
154
00:11:24,487 --> 00:11:26,478
(Chugging)
155
00:11:28,727 --> 00:11:31,082
Is one litre enough for you?
156
00:11:31,127 --> 00:11:34,915
(Errol) Is there a thing
such as two litres?
157
00:11:36,087 --> 00:11:41,115
That's good. That's good. Now, what I want you
to do now is let go of the ladder.
158
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:43,158
- No!
- Come on, just let go.
159
00:11:43,207 --> 00:11:46,358
- I can't.
- Let... Let... Just...
160
00:11:46,407 --> 00:11:48,967
- No.
- Do this...with your hands.
161
00:11:50,087 --> 00:11:53,397
- Opposite to what you're doing.
- I'm trying.
162
00:11:53,447 --> 00:11:57,486
OK, imagine it's electrified.
(Imitates electricity crackling)
163
00:11:57,527 --> 00:11:59,836
You have to stay in the water or you'll be shot.
164
00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:03,323
Think of it like Anne Frank,
instead of an attic, she's trapped in a pool.
165
00:12:03,367 --> 00:12:07,565
And she can't get out cos of the land Nazis.
(Imitates machine gun )
166
00:12:07,607 --> 00:12:09,245
What are you on about?
167
00:12:09,287 --> 00:12:12,279
Is that too harsh?
Anne Frank trapped in a pool by Nazis?
168
00:12:12,327 --> 00:12:14,158
Who's Anne Frank?
169
00:12:15,407 --> 00:12:18,126
OK, right, you're a puppy,
170
00:12:18,167 --> 00:12:21,557
and the girl who owns you
has lost her ball and you're gonna go in for it.
171
00:12:21,607 --> 00:12:25,805
Oh! I've lost my ball! I want
my ball back! Will you get my ball?.
172
00:12:26,887 --> 00:12:30,243
- See? Yeah.
- Ooh! I'm standing in the water!
173
00:12:30,287 --> 00:12:32,357
Ooh! That's incredible!
174
00:12:32,407 --> 00:12:34,796
Remember, you can't get out!
175
00:12:34,847 --> 00:12:37,122
Oh, no, it's, ''Oh, I want my ball!''
176
00:12:38,887 --> 00:12:42,721
- What's the matter?
- Nothing. I thought I saw someone.
177
00:12:42,767 --> 00:12:44,485
Not at this time of day.
178
00:12:44,527 --> 00:12:47,803
OK, now the easy bit,
see that bloke swimming there?
179
00:12:47,847 --> 00:12:49,917
(Alarm rings )
180
00:12:49,967 --> 00:12:52,356
(Blowing whistle ) Everybody out.
181
00:13:01,607 --> 00:13:04,075
- That'll be 8.70.
- OK.
182
00:13:04,127 --> 00:13:06,322
- I'll just get you a bag.
- Yeah.
183
00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:20,397
No, the one with the limp
is Keyser Soze.
184
00:13:21,447 --> 00:13:24,917
- The limp?
- I'm not going through it again.
185
00:13:28,927 --> 00:13:31,282
Oh, yeah! Sorry, come on in.
186
00:13:43,487 --> 00:13:46,638
What do you think
of this shower curtain?
187
00:13:46,687 --> 00:13:49,724
There. Nice, innit?
I think that'll look good.
188
00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:53,680
Can't see much of it.
Agnes from Bradford's in the way.
189
00:13:55,447 --> 00:13:58,007
You've got a real problem
with these magazines.
190
00:13:58,047 --> 00:14:01,756
I just don't think people should be
naked in their living rooms.
191
00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:04,321
That's where you have...Christmas.
192
00:14:05,367 --> 00:14:07,517
Ooh! See Karen from Luton?
193
00:14:08,687 --> 00:14:10,757
I'm teaching her to swim.
194
00:14:10,807 --> 00:14:15,039
I found out she's not from Luton
and that's not her kitchen.
195
00:14:15,087 --> 00:14:19,717
See those knickers on the radiator?
Have a guess who they belong to.
196
00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:21,758
(Knock at door)
197
00:14:25,007 --> 00:14:26,998
(Man ) Pizza!
198
00:14:27,047 --> 00:14:28,685
- What?
- Pizza.
199
00:14:28,727 --> 00:14:30,524
I didn't order a...pizza.
200
00:14:30,567 --> 00:14:32,717
- Flat 76?
- Yeah.
201
00:14:32,767 --> 00:14:34,598
Wa... Wait...
202
00:14:37,687 --> 00:14:39,882
Errol?. Did you order a pizza?
203
00:14:42,567 --> 00:14:44,603
(Vince ) No, we didn't.
204
00:14:45,647 --> 00:14:48,878
- You're in my flat!
- I've put it in the kitchen.
205
00:14:48,927 --> 00:14:51,566
I don't want it.
I haven't got any money.
206
00:14:51,607 --> 00:14:53,643
It's free. It's a free pizza.
207
00:14:53,687 --> 00:14:57,566
- Why are you giving me a free pizza?
- Cos I'm a nice bloke.
208
00:14:57,607 --> 00:14:59,802
Well, I don't want it, go on.
209
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,317
You're teaching my wife to swim.
210
00:15:03,367 --> 00:15:06,677
- What are you on about?
- Lindsay? Glamour model?.
211
00:15:08,287 --> 00:15:10,164
Dolphin?
212
00:15:10,207 --> 00:15:13,119
Oh. No, her name's Karen.
213
00:15:13,167 --> 00:15:15,237
Karen's her porno name.
214
00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:20,086
I wish I'd never taken
those photographs.
215
00:15:20,127 --> 00:15:23,278
- I only did it for a laugh.
- There's nothing going on.
216
00:15:23,327 --> 00:15:25,966
That's my job. And that's my fruit.
217
00:15:26,007 --> 00:15:29,477
The response was amazing.
It's gone to her head.
218
00:15:29,527 --> 00:15:33,236
Suddenly she's got a career.
She thinks she's the next Jordan.
219
00:15:33,287 --> 00:15:36,279
HMS Grantham
have made her their mascot.
220
00:15:36,327 --> 00:15:38,636
I'm sorry but that's not my problem.
221
00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:41,281
You'll have to sort this out with your wife.
222
00:15:41,327 --> 00:15:43,318
No. You stop teaching her.
223
00:15:43,367 --> 00:15:46,325
She learns how to swim,
next thing she'll be driving.
224
00:15:46,367 --> 00:15:49,120
I can't do that. I'm an instructor.
225
00:15:49,167 --> 00:15:51,158
I took the oath.
226
00:15:56,927 --> 00:15:59,725
(Shrieks ) Well, you don't
have a choice!
227
00:15:59,767 --> 00:16:01,837
(Kung fu shrieking)
228
00:16:06,047 --> 00:16:08,436
Right, mate. You, get out.
229
00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:14,362
(Vince laughing)
230
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:17,046
- What are you doing? What are you doing?
- Karate.
231
00:16:17,087 --> 00:16:19,123
No, you're not. That is not karate.
232
00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:24,082
That... That's not even scary.
You're not frightening me at all.
233
00:16:24,127 --> 00:16:26,482
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
234
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:28,518
What belt are you, then?
235
00:16:28,567 --> 00:16:31,684
I haven't got one.
I've only had a couple of sessions.
236
00:16:31,727 --> 00:16:34,878
I'm gonna get one and when I do
I'll smash your head in.
237
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:37,885
- Get out!
- Come on, then. Me and you.
238
00:16:37,927 --> 00:16:40,680
Me and you, yeah?
You want some with me?
239
00:16:40,727 --> 00:16:42,957
I'm a lethal. I'm a lethal.
240
00:16:43,007 --> 00:16:45,840
Errol! Show grasshopper the way out.
241
00:16:45,887 --> 00:16:48,560
Right. You want some? Come on, then.
242
00:16:51,087 --> 00:16:53,920
- Did they put olives on the pizza?
- Yeah.
243
00:16:53,967 --> 00:16:56,925
- Great, I love olives.
- Don't touch it!
244
00:16:56,967 --> 00:16:59,356
You don't know what he's done to it.
245
00:16:59,407 --> 00:17:01,921
I think he's written something on it.
246
00:17:04,367 --> 00:17:07,086
- Oh, yeah.
- ''Shemus...''
247
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:09,687
- ''Shame has no...''
- ''She must no...''
248
00:17:09,727 --> 00:17:11,797
''Shame has no twin.''
249
00:17:11,847 --> 00:17:13,678
''She must no...''
250
00:17:13,727 --> 00:17:15,797
(Both) ''Shamus not..''
251
00:17:15,847 --> 00:17:18,566
(Husband) It says, ''She must not swim.''
252
00:17:18,607 --> 00:17:21,201
You can't ignore me, I'm dangerous.
253
00:17:22,687 --> 00:17:24,484
I don't think you are.
254
00:17:24,527 --> 00:17:28,202
I am. I'm unstable. I'm a nutter!
255
00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:30,602
Go on, then. Do something nutty.
256
00:17:30,647 --> 00:17:34,322
OK. I'll show you nutty.
All right. I warned you.
257
00:17:38,567 --> 00:17:40,398
See? I told you I was a nutter.
258
00:17:40,447 --> 00:17:42,756
- Do you believe me now?
- No.
259
00:17:43,847 --> 00:17:45,838
Can I have my pants back?
260
00:17:55,047 --> 00:17:58,278
- Where's the light bulbs?
- We haven't got any.
261
00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,557
- What?
- We haven't got any!
262
00:18:00,607 --> 00:18:03,519
- Why not?
- Cos you didn't buy any.
263
00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:09,563
(Man on sofa ) Why do they
all go out at the same time?
264
00:18:09,607 --> 00:18:12,519
Because we put them all in
at the same time.
265
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:16,600
Is he still there?
266
00:18:17,207 --> 00:18:19,198
(Vince ) No.
267
00:18:23,807 --> 00:18:27,117
- You're not worried about him, then?
- No.
268
00:18:27,167 --> 00:18:30,318
A real nutter
would have stayed there all night.
269
00:18:30,367 --> 00:18:33,518
- How do you know that?
- Discovery Channel.
270
00:18:33,567 --> 00:18:35,080
Hmm.
271
00:18:35,127 --> 00:18:37,516
Anyway, I'm a swimming instructor.
272
00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:40,559
I have a duty. I took the oath.
273
00:18:41,527 --> 00:18:44,724
I do solemnly promise to teach...
swimming.
274
00:18:48,247 --> 00:18:50,556
(1st man ) All right?
(2nd man ) No, I'm not.
275
00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:54,316
(1st man ) What's that smell?.
(2nd man ) My life, innit?
276
00:18:59,887 --> 00:19:03,197
Bloody hell!
What happened to your hand?
277
00:19:03,247 --> 00:19:06,717
I've had an argument with Lisa, man.
Big time.
278
00:19:08,247 --> 00:19:10,044
She's left me.
279
00:19:10,087 --> 00:19:13,716
She said she never wants to see me again
so I punched the wall.
280
00:19:13,767 --> 00:19:16,201
- Did she come back?
- No.
281
00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:21,884
Maybe you're not hitting the wall
hard enough. Give it another go.
282
00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:25,283
- What, you think she might come back?
- It's worth a try.
283
00:19:25,327 --> 00:19:27,682
Go on, give it another pop. Go on.
284
00:19:29,207 --> 00:19:31,437
Go on. Away you go.
285
00:19:37,487 --> 00:19:39,443
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
286
00:19:44,607 --> 00:19:46,643
(Screams in pain )
287
00:19:56,207 --> 00:19:57,879
F... That hurt.
288
00:19:58,767 --> 00:20:00,678
No, I can't let that girl down.
289
00:20:00,727 --> 00:20:04,402
Imagine the scenario.
She gets a big break in Holland,
290
00:20:04,447 --> 00:20:08,520
she's on a diving board
doing continental shots for a video.
291
00:20:09,567 --> 00:20:11,717
The director shouts, ''Wider!''
292
00:20:11,767 --> 00:20:16,318
She's ambitious, she pushes
those hamstrings to the very limits.
293
00:20:16,367 --> 00:20:19,439
The excess baby oil
has turned that diving board
294
00:20:19,487 --> 00:20:21,398
into a treacherous plank.
295
00:20:21,447 --> 00:20:23,756
Whoosh! In she goes.
296
00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:26,605
Under once, under twice.
297
00:20:26,647 --> 00:20:29,366
She comes up a third time.
298
00:20:29,407 --> 00:20:32,604
Well, G�nther can't help.
299
00:20:32,647 --> 00:20:35,002
- Why?
- He's an Alsatian.
300
00:20:36,287 --> 00:20:37,561
Oh.
301
00:20:37,607 --> 00:20:41,043
- A bit like Turner & Hooch?
- Yeah. A bit.
302
00:20:44,607 --> 00:20:46,438
Gotcha.
303
00:20:46,487 --> 00:20:49,479
Teach another man's wife
to swim, will you?
304
00:20:50,167 --> 00:20:53,637
I warned you. I warned you once,
I warned you twice.
305
00:20:53,687 --> 00:20:55,678
I warned you thrice.
306
00:20:58,247 --> 00:21:00,715
It's the last time you'll swing that whistle,
307
00:21:00,767 --> 00:21:04,396
you big swinging whistley-wanker.
308
00:21:04,447 --> 00:21:06,881
Come on, step out into the road.
309
00:21:06,927 --> 00:21:08,997
That's it! That's it, go on.
310
00:21:09,047 --> 00:21:10,924
Go on, yeah, Yeah!
311
00:21:10,967 --> 00:21:13,162
- Yeah, that's it.
- (Engine revs )
312
00:21:13,207 --> 00:21:15,243
Get... Bollocks.
313
00:21:16,447 --> 00:21:18,438
Where to, love?
314
00:21:21,207 --> 00:21:23,721
Open your eyes, it'll stop stinging.
315
00:21:23,767 --> 00:21:27,442
- (Boy groaning)
- Don't make so much fuss.
316
00:21:29,727 --> 00:21:32,002
Oh! Half a cap full.
317
00:21:36,367 --> 00:21:39,120
Go on, off you go.
You'll be all right.
318
00:21:40,167 --> 00:21:43,284
Sorry I'm late.
I had a photo shoot this morning.
319
00:21:43,327 --> 00:21:46,399
It was bondage gear
and some bright spark lost the keys.
320
00:21:46,447 --> 00:21:51,202
I had a visit last night from your husband, the
amateur psycho. He doesn't want you to swim.
321
00:21:51,247 --> 00:21:54,956
Oh! Is he worried about me drowning?
Oh, he's so caring.
322
00:21:55,007 --> 00:21:57,123
No, he wants you to stay at home.
323
00:21:57,167 --> 00:22:00,557
Aah, he must love me so much
he don't wanna lose me.
324
00:22:00,607 --> 00:22:02,996
You're missing the point.
He got aggressive.
325
00:22:03,047 --> 00:22:06,642
Oh, he made threats for me?
Oh, that's so sweet!
326
00:22:06,687 --> 00:22:10,362
I'm not bothered
but you have got a marriage to preserve,
327
00:22:10,407 --> 00:22:13,604
- so shall we forget the lessons?
- No. Fuck him.
328
00:22:13,647 --> 00:22:15,603
No sign of her, mate.
329
00:22:15,647 --> 00:22:19,356
Do you know where I think
you're going wrong? Stand up.
330
00:22:19,407 --> 00:22:22,683
You need to punch through your target
with a nasty little jab.
331
00:22:22,727 --> 00:22:26,959
So you think to yourself, ''I love Lisa.''
Nasty little jab. ''I love Lisa.'' Nasty little jab.
332
00:22:27,007 --> 00:22:30,602
- Away you go.
- I love Lisa. Nasty little jab.
333
00:22:32,127 --> 00:22:35,597
- That's it.
- I love Lisa. Nasty little jab.
334
00:22:35,647 --> 00:22:37,319
I love you, Lisa.
335
00:22:37,367 --> 00:22:39,835
(Screams )
336
00:22:41,887 --> 00:22:44,447
Is she there yet?
337
00:22:44,487 --> 00:22:49,083
No, still no sign of her.
That's one hard woman, eh?
338
00:22:49,127 --> 00:22:51,960
- You're comfortable in the water now?
- Yeah.
339
00:22:52,007 --> 00:22:53,998
Remember, you can't get out.
340
00:22:54,047 --> 00:22:56,038
(Husband) Oi!
341
00:22:58,167 --> 00:23:00,556
- Right...
- Glenn!
342
00:23:00,607 --> 00:23:04,316
Lindsay, get out of the pool,
you're coming home with me.
343
00:23:04,367 --> 00:23:07,200
- Vince, what's next?
- I don't wanna get involved.
344
00:23:07,247 --> 00:23:09,681
- Ignore him.
- I'll drink this.
345
00:23:09,727 --> 00:23:13,276
You do realise those chemicals
are very expensive?
346
00:23:13,327 --> 00:23:15,966
- I don't care!
- Put them down.
347
00:23:16,007 --> 00:23:19,920
- (Lindsay ) He won't drink it.
- I will, I've got no choice.
348
00:23:19,967 --> 00:23:23,004
- I'm mental.
- You're not. He's not! You're lovely.
349
00:23:23,047 --> 00:23:25,845
I'm not! Right...here goes.
350
00:23:25,887 --> 00:23:28,082
- Go on, then.
- It's your fault.
351
00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:35,077
Oh, no, that's horrible.
That's strong. It's like liquorice.
352
00:23:35,127 --> 00:23:37,595
- He doesn't like liquorice.
- That's a shame.
353
00:23:37,647 --> 00:23:40,639
- Now, imagine you're a frog. Yeah?
- A frog?
354
00:23:40,687 --> 00:23:42,882
She doesn't even like frogs.
355
00:23:42,927 --> 00:23:45,919
- Hold on to the side.
- She's my wife!
356
00:23:46,967 --> 00:23:50,277
Kick your legs, like a frog.
Bring your knees up...
357
00:23:50,327 --> 00:23:52,887
You forced me! Cos I'm a nutter.
358
00:23:52,927 --> 00:23:55,157
(Glenn shouting and screaming)
359
00:23:57,087 --> 00:24:01,365
Together. Bring your knees up together
and then push back.
360
00:24:01,407 --> 00:24:04,001
- (Screaming)
- That's it. Together.
361
00:24:04,047 --> 00:24:06,356
(Lindsay ) Is that it?
362
00:24:09,167 --> 00:24:12,204
Knees up together and then kick back.
363
00:24:12,247 --> 00:24:15,319
- I'll give it a go.
- That's it.
364
00:24:17,807 --> 00:24:21,004
Bring them both up together
and then kick back.
365
00:24:21,047 --> 00:24:26,121
- I'm giving it a go.
- Knees up, push out with your arms.
366
00:24:26,167 --> 00:24:30,718
- What if I sink?
- I'll... I'm a lifeguard.
367
00:24:30,767 --> 00:24:33,964
Right, I learnt something
in karate last night
368
00:24:34,007 --> 00:24:36,999
and I was hoping
I wouldn't have to use it.
369
00:24:37,047 --> 00:24:38,844
You're shit at karate.
370
00:24:38,887 --> 00:24:42,118
- Push the arms together...
- (Kung fu yelling)
371
00:24:44,207 --> 00:24:46,357
Right, I'm getting security.
372
00:24:46,407 --> 00:24:48,523
No, no, no, no! Look, I'm sorry.
373
00:24:48,567 --> 00:24:50,842
I'm sorry. I'll just sit.
374
00:24:50,887 --> 00:24:52,605
- No more nonsense?
- No.
375
00:24:52,647 --> 00:24:54,717
Just sit down and shut up.
376
00:24:54,767 --> 00:24:57,156
Vince! Oh, Vince! Look, look!
377
00:24:57,207 --> 00:24:59,926
Vince, I'm swimming! Look! Ah!
378
00:24:59,967 --> 00:25:01,958
Bollocks.
379
00:25:04,007 --> 00:25:05,804
There you go.
380
00:25:07,327 --> 00:25:09,283
Thanks!
381
00:25:15,327 --> 00:25:17,443
It's my job.
382
00:25:17,487 --> 00:25:19,284
Yeah, I blew it.
383
00:25:20,247 --> 00:25:23,125
I didn't want her to swim
because, well...
384
00:25:24,367 --> 00:25:26,198
I can't swim.
385
00:25:28,327 --> 00:25:30,841
W-Would you teach me?
386
00:25:31,807 --> 00:25:35,925
I do solemnly promise to teach...
swimming.
387
00:25:35,967 --> 00:25:38,879
Unless - you sleep
with the window open,
388
00:25:38,927 --> 00:25:41,760
own a caravan, like olives,
389
00:25:41,807 --> 00:25:44,116
are thick, practise martial arts
390
00:25:44,167 --> 00:25:47,921
or you're a grown man
and your name is Sting.
391
00:25:53,767 --> 00:25:55,758
Brilliant. Thanks.
392
00:25:58,127 --> 00:25:59,924
No.
393
00:25:59,967 --> 00:26:03,516
I'll teach myself, then.
I mean, how hard can it be?
394
00:26:03,567 --> 00:26:05,558
A lot easier than karate.
395
00:26:13,607 --> 00:26:15,598
What are you telling me? You've given up?
396
00:26:15,647 --> 00:26:18,719
You're just gonna sit there
and let her walk out of your life?
397
00:26:18,767 --> 00:26:20,837
Look at my hands, man.
398
00:26:20,887 --> 00:26:24,766
You've got a head, haven't you?
Use that. Go on.
399
00:26:24,807 --> 00:26:26,798
Go on!
400
00:26:37,527 --> 00:26:38,926
OK...
401
00:26:40,087 --> 00:26:42,647
Fucking come on. Come on!
402
00:26:44,087 --> 00:26:45,884
(Snorting)
403
00:26:45,927 --> 00:26:47,918
(Phone )
404
00:26:54,527 --> 00:26:57,166
- Hello?
- (Woman ) Hi, Steve, it's me.
405
00:26:57,207 --> 00:26:59,516
I've been walking around thinking about us
406
00:26:59,567 --> 00:27:02,843
and it seems so stupid, all the arguments.
407
00:27:02,887 --> 00:27:05,117
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
408
00:27:05,167 --> 00:27:08,603
(Tearfully ) I love you, Steve.
I wanna come back.
409
00:27:08,647 --> 00:27:12,606
Well, er, I don't know
about that really, Lisa.
410
00:27:12,647 --> 00:27:16,117
Look, I've got to go. I'm doing a shoot
for a new magazine.
411
00:27:16,167 --> 00:27:18,203
- What's it called?
- Quite Big Tits.
412
00:27:18,247 --> 00:27:22,365
It's for blokes who don't like
really big tits or really small tits.
413
00:27:22,407 --> 00:27:25,683
- Fussy bastards.
- (Glenn ) Help! I'm drowning!
414
00:27:27,127 --> 00:27:30,961
- Shall we get him out?
- No, he'll be all right.
415
00:27:31,007 --> 00:27:33,157
- See you, then.
- See you.
416
00:27:37,087 --> 00:27:39,840
Hi, Mum, it's Errol. How are you?
417
00:27:39,887 --> 00:27:42,117
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
418
00:27:42,167 --> 00:27:45,159
Listen, there's something I need to ask you.
419
00:27:45,207 --> 00:27:49,120
Since I've been away,
have Nana and Grandad been to stay?
420
00:27:50,247 --> 00:27:51,885
Right.
421
00:27:51,927 --> 00:27:54,316
And did they use my old room?
422
00:27:56,887 --> 00:27:58,479
Right.
423
00:28:00,767 --> 00:28:04,555
No, I don't think
I'll be coming home for Christmas.
424
00:28:08,047 --> 00:28:09,765
You too.
425
00:28:13,407 --> 00:28:15,716
Urgh, Nana!
426
00:28:25,727 --> 00:28:28,321
Come on. Come on, then.
427
00:28:29,887 --> 00:28:31,878
I got you...
428
00:28:31,928 --> 00:28:36,478
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