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1
00:00:06,256 --> 00:00:10,170
Thank you, New Hampshire,
for manning up!
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00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:12,343
What started in Iowa
3
00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:15,763
with a come-from-behind
second place finish
4
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:20,810
has built here tonight
into an all-out victory!
5
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:25,273
And now it's on to South Carolina
6
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:29,228
and then back to the White House!
7
00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:35,571
That's right, you heard me,
8
00:00:35,661 --> 00:00:37,948
back to the White House!
9
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:42,953
We're going back there!
10
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,660
Which one of you donkey-dongs
was in charge of the balloons, huh?
11
00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:47,754
- Believe it or not, Amy.
- She's still fucking up?
12
00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:49,199
She hasn't worked here for months!
13
00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:51,124
Does anyone have
her new email address?
14
00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:54,052
"Man up" continues to resonate
in all four quadrants.
15
00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:57,301
It's universal. Men hate women,
women hate themselves.
16
00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:58,927
The Geraldine Ferraro principle.
17
00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,224
Hey, ma'am, I was hoping
18
00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:02,080
I could have some
more responsibility this time.
19
00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:03,185
- Yes.
- Yes!
20
00:01:03,272 --> 00:01:07,016
Can you make me
a waxing appointment in Charleston?
21
00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:09,146
- I'm feeling patriotic.
- Full bald eagle.
22
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:11,603
Ma'am, South Carolina
is gonna be tough.
23
00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:14,030
- Guys, black people love me.
- Love.
24
00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:16,529
Did you know Dr. Jordan Thomas,
the civil rights leader,
25
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:17,618
he once said to me...
26
00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:19,264
- You told me this.
- We're aware, ma'am.
27
00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,529
This is a classic.
28
00:01:20,622 --> 00:01:22,033
He once said to me
29
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that I was the blackest white woman
he ever met.
30
00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:27,960
Ma'am, you do know
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that this time you're running
against an actual black person?
32
00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:32,085
She's not even all-black.
33
00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:33,586
Plus, I'm gonna be
34
00:01:33,677 --> 00:01:36,420
Lion-Kinging Little Richard all around
35
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:37,754
till I tear my rotator cuff.
36
00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,214
Absolutely not, Mother.
37
00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:40,549
- Hey, ma'am.
- Yeah.
38
00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:42,929
I have been working
for you for 18 years
39
00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:45,478
- without a promotion. Yeah.
- Right.
40
00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:46,805
But some people kind of think
41
00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:49,436
I deserve a bigger role
in the campaign this time.
42
00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:51,326
What kind of role
was your mother thinking of?
43
00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:53,590
I don't know, I thought everybody
kind of did the same thing.
44
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,357
Ma'am, our faith-based outreach
program is kind of a disaster.
45
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:57,986
Okay, so give Gary
46
00:01:58,076 --> 00:01:59,157
the face-based thing.
47
00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,638
- It's "faith-based."
- I don't care.
48
00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:02,198
- Yeah, okay.
- All right.
49
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:03,975
I gotta get a little shut-eye
before we land.
50
00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:06,833
Can we have the lights out,
please? Thank you.
51
00:02:07,919 --> 00:02:09,956
Hey, Ben, do you have
the county-by-county...
52
00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:12,380
- No talking!
- No talking!
53
00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:15,041
- Ow!
- I'm hearing moving!
54
00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:21,514
I can't believe
I got sixth place.
55
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,468
It is time for us to head over
to the electoral scrapyard
56
00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,848
and see if we can sell
your endorsement for parts.
57
00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:29,146
Okay, I'm gonna go hang myself
from a sturdy pipe,
58
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:31,019
and I'm not even gonna
bother jacking off.
59
00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:33,101
- You have time for a drink beforehand?
- Mmm.
60
00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:37,855
Well, you're still
my favorite son, Jonie.
61
00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:40,783
How does Butt-Buddy Calhoun
do 1% better than me?
62
00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:43,031
Well, you had 3% and he had 4%,
63
00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:45,738
so actually, he did 33% better than...
64
00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:47,414
Don't math me, Lloyd.
65
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:51,996
Math is a plot invented by the Chinese
to make smart Americans feel dumb.
66
00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:53,625
Jonah, modern math was invented
67
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,331
by Islamic scholars
in the 7th century.
68
00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:58,759
You were invented by
Islamic scholars in the 7th century.
69
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,962
Burn. Sorry, Dad.
70
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:03,326
Okay, Jonie, please, don't yell
at Lloyd. Please. He's just...
71
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:04,661
Sorry. What is that on your finger?
72
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,517
- Is that a ring?
- Well, actually,
73
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,640
I asked your mom to marry me again,
74
00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,124
and I'm hoping we can
get your blessing.
75
00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:11,209
No! You don't have it...
76
00:03:18,490 --> 00:03:21,574
Ah! Saint Theresa's gray-haired gunt,
77
00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:23,743
they're fucking again?
78
00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:25,911
I'm sorry I'm late.
79
00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,705
The Meyer victory party
is still raging.
80
00:03:28,792 --> 00:03:30,158
They got some great coke.
81
00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:32,960
I can't believe you backed
another candidate, Uncle Judas.
82
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,108
- You know, when I'm president...
- Shut the fuck up!
83
00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:36,589
When you're president?
84
00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,917
I'll jam my fist up my dick hole
85
00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:41,297
and pull out a 40-piece
set of Danish cutlery
86
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:42,388
when you're president!
87
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:44,714
Selina Meyer is
a legitimate candidate,
88
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:47,141
not a human pool skimmer
89
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:50,436
last used to despunk
a Provincetown hot tub party!
90
00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:53,184
Congratulations, Sis.
91
00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:54,982
Let me know where to send the gift.
92
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:58,027
Spoiler alert.
It's Danish cutlery.
93
00:03:58,113 --> 00:04:00,981
Thanks, Jeff.
See ya in church on Sunday.
94
00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:05,151
Gary? I need my tea.
95
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,005
And a well-done
egg white frittata.
96
00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:08,154
Here you are, ma'am.
97
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,035
Whoa. That startled me.
98
00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:11,366
Why are you Gary?
99
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:12,996
He had an early morning meeting.
100
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:16,830
Well, you can't just replace Gary
with another lesbian
101
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:19,006
and think that
I'm not gonna notice what...
102
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:20,676
Mmm.
103
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,719
Oh, this tea
is the perfect temperature.
104
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:26,138
Thank you, ma'am.
I learned from an Afghani warlord.
105
00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:27,590
We should put him on the payroll.
106
00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:28,995
Oh, you killed him in a drone strike.
107
00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:30,100
Oh, well.
108
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,769
I've laid out your outfit for the day.
109
00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:34,188
Oh! Oh, wow.
110
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,687
I never thought before
to put the Bottega pumps
111
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,313
with the Michael Kors top.
112
00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:40,123
You've been taking
fashion advice from a man
113
00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:42,189
who dresses like
an overgrown ventriloquist dummy.
114
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,693
That's a solid point.
115
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:46,408
- Oh. Is this edible?
- No, ma'am.
116
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:47,953
Oh.
117
00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:52,699
Hello. Hello.
118
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:55,251
- Mr. Walsh. I'm Blake Stein.
- Nice to meet you.
119
00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:57,750
- We're all ready to...
- Yep. Yeah. Perfect.
120
00:04:57,839 --> 00:04:59,150
Did you see the spread that I ordered?
121
00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,587
These are fresh bagels from New York,
122
00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:04,339
which I'm very excited about
'cause the President hates bagels...
123
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:07,297
...and she can't even be
in the same room with donuts.
124
00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:08,801
Uh, so why don't we get started?
125
00:05:08,892 --> 00:05:10,884
Yes, of course, of course,
I'd love that.
126
00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:13,185
I would love that.
127
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,182
Here we go.
128
00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:25,861
- Uh, Mr. Walsh.
- Mmm, yeah?
129
00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,783
This is your meeting.
You're in charge.
130
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:31,946
Oh, I know. I know. I know.
131
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:33,541
Of course.
132
00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:37,539
Can I make anyone a plate?
133
00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:42,585
Oh, what up, Mojo?
134
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,779
Hey, when are you and I gonna
have that pussy-eating contest?
135
00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:46,169
You have ten minutes.
136
00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:48,175
I started timing
the moment you knocked.
137
00:05:48,265 --> 00:05:51,349
- Ma'am! So good to see you again.
- Amy!
138
00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:53,551
How is that baby?
It must be getting big.
139
00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:54,645
It's great.
140
00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:56,140
So the reason that we are here...
141
00:05:56,231 --> 00:05:57,231
Yeah.
142
00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,210
...is Congressman Ryan
is considering stepping aside
143
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:00,234
and endorsing you...
144
00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:01,796
I want Vice President.
That's non-negotiable.
145
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,631
- Ooh, let's go.
- No, I'm willing to negotiate.
146
00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:05,174
What about Department of the Exterior?
147
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,198
Interior.
148
00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:08,177
We're gonna negotiate
against ourselves now, Amy?
149
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:11,410
Amy, Amy, I mean...
150
00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:13,283
Oh, God.
151
00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:16,623
If Ellen had
a little sister from China,
152
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,293
it might help her bond with Mike.
153
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,541
Or, uh, I could bond with the new one.
154
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:23,497
Tell them about
your big new job, Mike.
155
00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:24,708
Oh, gosh, yeah!
156
00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:26,918
I have my own webcast on BuzzFeed.
157
00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:30,255
I call it McLintalk, A-L-K.
158
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:32,761
It would be funny
if you were American.
159
00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:35,218
So, is everything all right?
160
00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:36,393
Just one last question.
161
00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:37,890
Mr. McLintock,
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00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:40,974
are you still close
with President Selina Meyer?
163
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,067
Well, full disclosure,
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00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:43,838
she still doesn't like
when I eat in front of her.
165
00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,649
- Very good. Very good!
- Very good!
166
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:47,731
If you will just
head down the hallway,
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00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,260
we will have you sign the application.
168
00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:51,071
- Thank you so much.
- Oh, thank you.
169
00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:53,403
- Mr. McLintock.
- Yeah?
170
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:58,332
I was wondering if you could deliver
a message to President Meyer for me.
171
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,146
Remembering things
and reporting them back to people
172
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:02,662
is not my strong suit,
but I could write it down.
173
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:03,963
Please don't write it down.
174
00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:06,256
Okay.
175
00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:09,343
My father started this
youth center for one reason.
176
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,740
You gotta keep
the kids off the streets.
177
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,005
That's right. Gangs and...
178
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:14,260
You know, what you need
is more police protection.
179
00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:17,185
As you know, the police
are doing most of the shootings.
180
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,011
Yeah, well, the police
are out of control.
181
00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:21,017
- Let me give you the rest of the tour.
- Okay.
182
00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,273
- Huh?
- Ma'am, last month
183
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,352
a local eight-year-old boy
was shot by police
184
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,357
when his candy bar
was mistaken for a gun.
185
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,887
And how was I supposed to know that?
186
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,281
It was in today's Line-By-Line.
187
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,074
You know I don't read
what you give me.
188
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,638
Thought I lost you!
Let's continue the tour.
189
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:34,847
- The kids are waiting.
- Okay, great.
190
00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:37,204
Your father
was such a great man,
191
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,953
and you have inherited
not only his good looks,
192
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,705
but also his charisma!
193
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,752
Oh. Now I'm blushing
and a little bit crushing.
194
00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:46,125
I would really love
to be able to count on
195
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:48,458
your endorsement this time around.
196
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:49,667
- Really?
- Yeah.
197
00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:52,549
- You're gonna make me say it?
- Say what?
198
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:54,346
She gonna make me say it!
199
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,264
We've got a sister running, ya know.
200
00:07:56,351 --> 00:07:58,388
We got race in the race. Praise Jesus!
201
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,811
Yes. Indeedy. I, you know...
202
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,889
- Progress!
- Progress.
203
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:06,317
Yeah, but you know,
your daddy, he used to say to me
204
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:09,771
that I was the blackest white woman
he ever met.
205
00:08:09,864 --> 00:08:11,105
Can I tell you something?
206
00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:12,593
My dad said that
to a lot of white women.
207
00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:13,698
That was his move.
208
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,618
Now you know.
209
00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:19,072
Oh, I would love to see you
at services on Sunday,
210
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,578
and I would love it
if you'd speak to the congregation.
211
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,534
Well, I'm...
212
00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:24,914
I'm pretty booked up.
213
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,005
No. Just take it away.
214
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:32,669
Senator Talbot, we believe you
are positioned to win the nomination,
215
00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:36,472
and we might be considering suspending
Congressman Ryan's campaign.
216
00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:37,719
Definitely the right move.
217
00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:38,845
K-Jazz.
218
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,301
Ask me what's on my mind.
219
00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:42,603
Fine. What's on your mind,
Congressman Ryan?
220
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,225
I'm glad you asked,
221
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:49,151
because my mind's on my money
and my money's on my mind.
222
00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:51,069
Laid back.
223
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:56,060
I thought she'd be more...
I thought you'd be more familiar.
224
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:57,155
Uh...
225
00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:59,328
I mean, did you at least watch
Martin? "Damn, Gina!"
226
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:00,871
- We should go.
- What? She asked.
227
00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,685
Just, uh, let us know
if we can be of any help.
228
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:04,951
Could you give me HUD?
Nobody cares about it.
229
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,332
It's like the fat girl
of cabinet posts.
230
00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:10,707
Ma'am, the new anti-Kemi mail pieces
just came in.
231
00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,926
What, the tragic mulatto fuck?
232
00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:15,799
Kemi looks like an albino.
233
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,381
And I'm so black, people are gonna
start calling me articulate.
234
00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,786
Hey, ma'am. Presenting my first
faith-based outreach video.
235
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:22,038
- Outreach. Reaching out.
- No.
236
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,519
Okay.
237
00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:25,892
Look, guys, if we're not
getting the black vote,
238
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:28,395
then we have to take
a hard turn to the white.
239
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:31,148
Kent, how are we doing with
non-college-educated whites?
240
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,423
- Look at this.
- Underwater, ma'am.
241
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,279
Then how about
college-educated whites?
242
00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:35,822
In South Carolina,
243
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,447
that is not a significant
slice of the pie.
244
00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:41,700
Then we're gonna have to find a way
with non-college-educated whites.
245
00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:43,656
Like, what appeals to them...
Okay, fine.
246
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,867
What appeals to them?
What do they want?
247
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,327
Well, my polling shows
their main wants are jobs,
248
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,333
education,
and an adequate safety net...
249
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,881
- Okay, I can speak to that.
- I'm not finished, ma'am.
250
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:55,334
"...to be denied
to African Americans."
251
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,698
My video could help, actually.
252
00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:58,803
No!
253
00:09:58,890 --> 00:10:01,098
Listen, we have to find a way
254
00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:04,677
to say those things
without actually saying them.
255
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,728
- Like a dog whistle.
- Yes, exactly!
256
00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:08,876
You know what? You could talk about
charter schools. Mention...
257
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:10,812
Come on, that's like a dog whisper.
258
00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:14,486
You could "reject" an endorsement
from a pro-Confederacy group.
259
00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:17,690
That's like a dog
exploding space shuttle.
260
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,776
I need something loud,
not too loud like...
261
00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:22,031
- A dog chainsaw?
- No, that's too droney.
262
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,329
A dog snowmobile.
263
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:26,407
Why would I know what that
even sounds like? I mean, seriously.
264
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:28,458
- I'm sorry, ma'am.
- A dog leaf blower?
265
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:30,537
- Yeah, I like that. Yes.
- That's right.
266
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,470
- Steady.
- It's exactly like a dog chainsaw...
267
00:10:32,507 --> 00:10:34,347
- No, it doesn't.
- Very different sound.
268
00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:35,505
It needs a higher register.
269
00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:36,695
Yeah, it is higher.
270
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:39,006
Okay, this is closed.
I don't know... This is closed.
271
00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:41,555
Wait a minute,
what is Gary doing here?
272
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,452
This is my first strategic meeting
at the big table.
273
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:46,310
Okay, guys, what you need to do
is get me in front
274
00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:48,683
- of huge white audiences.
- Huge. Huge.
275
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,264
Something that makes a NASCAR race
276
00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,315
look like a Jay-Z concert, you know?
277
00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,505
Actually, ma'am, Jay-Z concerts
are almost all white people.
278
00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:56,191
Okay, well, right? I know.
279
00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:57,943
Hey, guys! Big news.
280
00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:00,115
Wendy and I are adopting
another Chinese baby.
281
00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:01,971
Where are you registered?
Child Protective Services?
282
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,361
No, Gymboree.
283
00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:05,534
I love that they make clothes
in your size now, Mike.
284
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:06,725
- Oh, gosh, ma'am. I forgot.
- Yeah?
285
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:08,035
The guy at the Chinese Consulate
286
00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:10,083
said he had a message
for you from President Lu.
287
00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:12,087
Wait, what?
288
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,084
He said, "President Lu
is watching the election
289
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,087
"with great interest and hopes
to return to your conversation
290
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,885
"about the Diaoyu Islands
in the near future."
291
00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:24,257
Hey, can you go look at
Gary's faith video?
292
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:27,093
- Yeah, he needs some help.
- Sure. You need the McLintock spin?
293
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,519
- Sure.
- Okay.
294
00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:29,832
Oh. Hey, ma'am, you got a moment?
295
00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:31,472
- No.
- Copy that.
296
00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:34,183
What the fuck was... Out!
297
00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:41,816
- What was that?
- Lu sent you a message inside Mike.
298
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,276
A misfortune cookie.
299
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:44,610
Who cares about an island
300
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,616
that doesn't have
a Four Seasons on it?
301
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,288
The Diaoyu Islands are important
302
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:51,162
to the Chinese militarily,
but the United States
303
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,539
still does not recognize them
as Chinese territory.
304
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:55,166
Surely Lu recognizes that
305
00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:57,623
I can't recognize diddly-squat.
306
00:11:58,301 --> 00:11:59,301
Unless...
307
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:00,466
You become President.
308
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:03,842
So, what? You think that Lu
is trying to help me become...
309
00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,292
Don't finish that sentence, ma'am.
310
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:08,934
We can't have this discussion.
We are still a nation of laws.
311
00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:10,136
- Ish.
- Esque.
312
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,846
Of course, but let's be clear
313
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:14,478
about what we're not talking about.
314
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,025
Okay? We are not talking about
315
00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:20,775
letting the Chinese influence
our Presidential election
316
00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:24,779
and certainly not in exchange
for me recognizing those islands.
317
00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:28,078
And, since it is not being discussed,
then I do not have to mention
318
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:30,076
that you cannot trust the Chinese.
319
00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:33,750
And they will not sell you out
in a Beijing minute.
320
00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:37,413
Wait, they will or they won't?
321
00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:38,748
I don't know.
322
00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:41,549
Well, I mean, can't we not
323
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:45,004
not do the thing
that we're not talking about?
324
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,179
I'm totally lost.
325
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:49,100
Do you think Captain Lady Kangaroo
heard any of that?
326
00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:51,268
- I don't think so.
- No? Okay, good.
327
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,266
Fire her anyway just to be sure.
328
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:55,097
Consider her green-jeaned, ma'am.
329
00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:57,586
- Ma'am, big news...
- Yeah?
330
00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:00,353
- Tom James called. He wants a meeting.
- Is he dropping out?
331
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,174
A James endorsement right now
would be a game changer.
332
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:04,406
Set it up. I wanna see Tommy beg.
333
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:09,036
So, how's Little Richard doing
with solid foods?
334
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,267
Don't ask me, ask her. Apparently,
she's in charge of him now.
335
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,851
Catherine,
please don't do this.
336
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:15,788
You stole our baby
and you took him to church.
337
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:17,460
He saw a male Jesus.
338
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:20,255
When my uncle stole me,
I don't remember where he took me,
339
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:23,505
but I do have this recurring dream
where I almost find out.
340
00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:25,281
Richard, what's that noise?
341
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,546
Oh, it's a crop-duster.
342
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,301
They usually fly pretty low.
343
00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:30,053
- Can you say "airplane"?
- Not that low.
344
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,343
Oh, sweet male Jesus!
345
00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:34,237
- Richard? Are you okay?
- Richard?
346
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:40,476
Gary. You're growing your hair.
347
00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,402
That's an amusing joke, Senator James.
348
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:44,229
Senator, hello.
349
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,735
Madam President.
350
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,532
Marjorie, thanks very much.
You can leave.
351
00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:49,359
Or I could stay. For safety's sake.
352
00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:50,820
I'm a model of discretion.
353
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:52,593
Oh, you can be discreet
out in the hallway.
354
00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,793
You just left her in there? With him?
355
00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:59,040
I was following orders.
356
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:00,792
Oh, so was Hitler.
357
00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:02,735
Marjorie, there's something
that you need to see.
358
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,796
Catherine, Little Richard is not sick.
359
00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:06,286
Please stop taking his temperature.
360
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,382
No, it's big Richard.
361
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:14,176
I'm here reporting from Lurlene, Iowa,
362
00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:15,969
where earlier today an airplane
363
00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:18,181
crashed into the local 7-Eleven.
364
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:20,732
Miraculously,
there were no fatalities,
365
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:22,901
due in no small part to the heroics
366
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:25,821
of Lurlene's own mayor,
Richard Splett.
367
00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:28,024
Mayor Splett, what happened?
368
00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:30,484
Oh, well, a crop duster
clipped the power line
369
00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:32,615
and bumped into a local 7-Eleven.
370
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,100
We're working with FEMA to bring in
emergency supplies and cigarettes.
371
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:36,602
I've never been more proud
I taught that man
372
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:38,037
to ejaculate into a cup.
373
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:40,710
All right, Senator James,
what's it gonna be?
374
00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:43,255
I've heard you had a yen for Treasury.
375
00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:45,674
I think a lot of my supporters
would actually think
376
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,843
that State was more appropriate.
377
00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:50,216
Ouch. Things are that bad
at home, huh?
378
00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:52,798
Let's just say that
a few international tours
379
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,554
would ease domestic tensions.
380
00:14:58,314 --> 00:15:00,146
Well, it's pretty early days, though.
381
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:03,101
You know, and still
moving pieces around...
382
00:15:03,194 --> 00:15:08,235
Foggy Bottom is a pretty big plum
to be giving away so soon.
383
00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:11,032
Although Secretary of State
is only really powerful
384
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:16,365
if he or she has a close personal
relationship with the President.
385
00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:19,700
I don't know. Tom, I have to tell you,
I'm really not convinced.
386
00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:23,208
Well, if you like, I could walk you
through my foreign policy ideas.
387
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:25,084
- Mmm.
- You familiar with
388
00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:26,174
"peace through strength"?
389
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:29,127
Oh. Keep talking like Reagan,
I'll work it like Nancy.
390
00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:39,978
- Congressman.
- Governor.
391
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:45,146
- Were you followed?
- I don't know.
392
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,444
So, what would you offer me
393
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:51,274
as far as a cabinet position
in exchange for my endorsement?
394
00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:52,576
Whoops!
395
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:56,237
I guess we got ourselves
a Gift of the Magi situation here.
396
00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:58,617
I was gonna ask you
for the same thing.
397
00:15:58,708 --> 00:15:59,748
Wait, you're dropping out?
398
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,034
Maybe. Maybe not.
399
00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:04,415
But I was gonna ask you
for Secretary of Interior.
400
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,705
Were you gonna ask for Interior
and then settle for HUD?
401
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:10,088
Dang it. So busted.
402
00:16:11,846 --> 00:16:12,882
Hey, is that Amy?
403
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,588
Oh, she said to say no.
404
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,475
Oh.
405
00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:17,595
Get in the car.
406
00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:19,051
No, yeah, that's definitely Amy.
407
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,511
Oh. All right.
408
00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:22,365
- See you later, man. Yeah.
- Good luck, bro.
409
00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:25,269
- Oh. Morning, boys.
- Morning, ma'am.
410
00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:27,337
Our good friend Tom James
just called a press conference.
411
00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:28,943
- Oh, has he now?
- Yes.
412
00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:30,566
Wow. I need fruit.
413
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,192
- On it.
- On it. I'm on it.
414
00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:33,283
- Ma'am?
- Yeah?
415
00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:35,154
Please tell me you didn't
promise him State?
416
00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:37,702
There is no way I would appoint
anyone competent
417
00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:38,904
to anything in my cabinet.
418
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:42,287
Morning. Thank you for coming.
Hope I can...
419
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:44,038
Cloudberries are organic
and Icelandic.
420
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:45,128
How lovely.
421
00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:49,253
I have decided to suspend my campaign
for President of the United States.
422
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:52,050
Oh, no. Tom, say it ain't so.
423
00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:53,197
- Senator James.
- Yeah.
424
00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:56,134
Will you be making an endorsement?
425
00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:59,763
I'd like to give my strongest
and most full-throated support
426
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:03,311
to the person who has proven
time and time again
427
00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:04,478
to be a born leader.
428
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:06,898
I wonder who that could be.
429
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,600
I don't know who that is.
430
00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:12,654
...but unfortunately that
candidate has not yet emerged
431
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:15,653
and shows no sign of doing so.
432
00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:17,655
- Huh?
- These are early days.
433
00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:20,078
There's a lot of moving pieces,
434
00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:22,702
- but I will not be endorsingjust yet.
- No, no, no, no. What?
435
00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:25,395
- Thank you, and God bless America.
- He just fucked me right in the ass!
436
00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:26,955
Son of a bitch wouldn't endorse you.
437
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,082
That, too!
438
00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:30,150
Ma'am, it's time to just
give up on South Carolina.
439
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,587
No, no! Move, move!
440
00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:37,092
Are you kidding me? We can't let Kemi
get a foothold in South Carolina.
441
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:38,547
Think!
442
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:44,145
Oh. I'll... You call Dr. Thomas
and you tell him, yeah,
443
00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:46,062
I'll speak before
his congregation tomorrow.
444
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:47,889
Ma'am, we need white voters.
445
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,461
- I mean, that's not gonna work.
- Yeah.
446
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:51,818
It will if I give a speech in support
447
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,863
of local law enforcement
and that cop who killed
448
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:57,111
that kid who threatened him
with the candy bar!
449
00:17:57,201 --> 00:18:00,990
Okay, so you wanna blow
a dog whistle in a black church?
450
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,867
I mean, that's like
blowing a rape whistle
451
00:18:02,957 --> 00:18:04,017
while you're raping somebody.
452
00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:06,249
- Exactly.
- Speak truth to powerless.
453
00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:08,122
I like that very much.
Write that down, Leon.
454
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,703
- I will do that.
- Here's the fruit.
455
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:12,881
Honeydew? If I wanna pretend
to be in the CNN green room,
456
00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:16,586
I'll draw a face on Ben's ass
and call that Christiane Amanpour.
457
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:20,889
Jonah-lah! What's this meshugas
about you dropping out of the race?
458
00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:22,762
That can't happen. Chicken?
459
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,621
Mr. Tanz, they say that
I have no chance of winning.
460
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:26,136
Who said anything about winning?
461
00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,000
You. I thought you said
I was gonna be president.
462
00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:29,606
No, you did.
463
00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:32,230
Made me chuckle every time.
I never thought you could win.
464
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,960
Well, then why the fuck
am I running, sir?
465
00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:35,274
As terribly as you're doing,
466
00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:36,946
you're still winning delegates.
467
00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:38,990
Mostly crazy cuckoos,
468
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:41,784
but you multiply that by 50 states,
469
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,783
I can force the party
to make some tweaks
470
00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:45,580
to the platform at the convention.
471
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:48,409
Stricter marijuana laws! Ta-da!
472
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:50,331
I need potheads in my prisons.
473
00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:52,583
Otherwise it's just
murderers and rapists.
474
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:55,290
It makes for a very
unpleasant atmosphere.
475
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:56,716
I wish I'd aborted myself.
476
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,780
Wait, so no one's really
trying to make me president?
477
00:18:58,804 --> 00:18:59,804
No.
478
00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:01,617
Wait, so this is all just
to keep The Chronic illegal?
479
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:05,726
Now he gets it! Plus, I need
more casino licenses for Macau.
480
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,268
I know it sounds a little specific,
481
00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:09,517
but in the end
it'll benefit all Americans.
482
00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:11,307
Toodle-oo!
483
00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:13,649
President Selina Meyer.
484
00:19:13,736 --> 00:19:15,352
- Hello, Reverend.
- Good for you, girl.
485
00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:16,653
I can't believe you did this.
486
00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:18,025
- Yeah.
- You don't quit.
487
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:20,027
- No, I don't.
- Oh, I like that.
488
00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:21,449
- Do you? Okay. Good.
- I do.
489
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:23,697
- And I love that little hat.
- Thank you.
490
00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:25,766
Yeah, this whole congregation's
gonna love that little hat.
491
00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:30,288
Oh, God, I think he has a crush on me.
492
00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:31,664
- Yeah.
- He does not, ma'am.
493
00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:32,915
Oh, come on.
494
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,997
I appreciate your honesty, Marjorie.
495
00:19:35,091 --> 00:19:37,333
- Okay.
- I mean, not that it matters.
496
00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:41,090
He certainly isn't gonna
after I read this manifesto.
497
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,574
Permission to roll
your breasts, ma'am?
498
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:43,714
Oh, granted.
499
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:47,412
Good morning, everybody.
500
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:48,722
Good morning.
501
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,896
Uh, we have a special guest today.
502
00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:54,474
I'm pretty sure that you can imagine
503
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:58,232
that I'm a firm supporter
of the separation of church and state.
504
00:19:58,572 --> 00:20:01,736
Because this is the Lord's house.
505
00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:03,158
Not the White House.
506
00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:05,452
But soon to be the "Black House."
507
00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:11,454
Brothers and sisters, please
welcome President Selina Meyer.
508
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,753
- Thank you. Thank you, Reverend.
- Mmm-hmm.
509
00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:17,581
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
510
00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:23,387
I don't need to tell you that
church is a special place.
511
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:24,533
That's right.
512
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:27,800
But it's also a place
for truth, isn't it?
513
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,850
That's right. That's right.
514
00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:33,772
And what happened recently
in your community
515
00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:37,101
to that young boy is very sad.
516
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,446
But here's the hard truth.
517
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:46,410
There are many victims here.
518
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:49,659
And you might not wanna hear this.
519
00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:57,208
But the real victims are the police...
520
00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:00,340
Uh-huh.
521
00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:02,459
..."ing."
522
00:21:02,553 --> 00:21:08,220
Policing that America
does in the South China Sea.
523
00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:09,925
That's right. I went there.
524
00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:13,558
It is time for America to recognize
525
00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:17,186
Chinese sovereignty
over the Diaoyu Islands
526
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:20,986
and the disputed mineral rights
of the surrounding seabed.
527
00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:22,562
Can I get an amen?
528
00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:24,989
- What?
- Amen.
529
00:21:25,075 --> 00:21:27,158
Hello, everyone. I'm Mike McLintock,
530
00:21:27,244 --> 00:21:31,033
and Mc-welcome to the first episode
of McLintock... I mean "talk."
531
00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:33,080
Today I have a BuzzFeed exclusive.
532
00:21:33,167 --> 00:21:34,954
We are getting
the first national interview
533
00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:37,036
with Lurlene, Iowa's dog mayor,
534
00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:39,917
who it turns out
is not a dog, but a human.
535
00:21:40,007 --> 00:21:41,748
Mayor Richard Splett, are you there?
536
00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:44,300
Hi, Mike. Big fan of the show.
537
00:21:44,386 --> 00:21:47,003
Mayor Splett, how does it feel
to be the hero of 7-Eleven?
538
00:21:47,097 --> 00:21:48,133
Oh, I'm no hero.
539
00:21:48,224 --> 00:21:49,715
I'm just a mayor who now,
540
00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,766
temporarily, has a Slurpee machine
in his office.
541
00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,138
- Well...
- I need my iPad.
542
00:21:53,229 --> 00:21:55,016
Mayor Splett, did you realize
543
00:21:55,105 --> 00:21:56,971
what you were doing was so courageous?
544
00:21:57,066 --> 00:21:59,399
- Oh, good question.
- Thank you. It's actually Wendy's.
545
00:21:59,485 --> 00:22:02,023
I guess I just did what anybody
would do if they were there.
546
00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:03,924
Except the people who were there
and didn't do anything.
547
00:22:03,948 --> 00:22:05,029
You heard it here first.
548
00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:09,530
Stick around for more McLintock
with Mike McLin-talk.
549
00:22:10,204 --> 00:22:12,116
Spare a nanosecond
for First Mate Quinn?
550
00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:13,367
What do you want, Keith?
551
00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:17,329
Wow. Okay.
552
00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:23,582
Uh, is that Mandarin?
553
00:22:23,676 --> 00:22:24,712
Yes, it was.
554
00:22:24,802 --> 00:22:27,465
I happen to consult for a number
of very large clients in Asia
555
00:22:27,555 --> 00:22:30,844
who have a strong interest
in Sino-American relations,
556
00:22:30,933 --> 00:22:34,768
and they were very, very impressed
and delighted by your sermon.
557
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:36,832
I don't know
what you're talking about...
558
00:22:36,856 --> 00:22:38,688
I would say that we're
well past the point
559
00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:40,390
of plausible deniability
at this point.
560
00:22:40,484 --> 00:22:43,818
I... You know, I haven't
committed to anything...
561
00:22:43,904 --> 00:22:45,691
- Well, actually...
- Hi, ma'am.
562
00:22:45,781 --> 00:22:47,092
- Yeah?
- Can I share the news with you?
563
00:22:47,116 --> 00:22:48,343
- What?
- You need to hear this.
564
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:52,202
Look. Faith-based initiative
just raised $25 million.
565
00:22:52,288 --> 00:22:53,950
Wow. Way to go, buddy!
566
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:55,999
- All of a sudden, out of nowhere!
- What?
567
00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:57,907
- Anonymously.
- Um... Wow.
568
00:22:58,002 --> 00:22:59,538
Okay, I'll get out of you hair, ma'am.
569
00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:00,914
Okay.
570
00:23:01,005 --> 00:23:02,712
It must've been
the video I made, right?
571
00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:04,539
Well, I can't think
of any other reason.
572
00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:06,833
Well, let's be honest.
God had a lot to do with it, too.
573
00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:08,878
- Oh, sure! Yeah.
- It's a miracle.
574
00:23:08,971 --> 00:23:11,338
Let's go spend $25 million
on some racist robo-calls.
575
00:23:11,432 --> 00:23:12,672
- Praise the Lord.
- Right?
576
00:23:13,142 --> 00:23:14,383
Thank you.
577
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:19,058
You know who else thinks
that I don't have the intelligence
578
00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:21,481
or the tentrament to be president?
579
00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:24,104
My very own campaign staff.
580
00:23:24,570 --> 00:23:25,811
That's right.
581
00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:27,737
They have been trying to stop me
582
00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:29,134
from becoming president.
583
00:23:29,158 --> 00:23:31,195
Yeah, no... Yeah, boo!
Let 'em have it.
584
00:23:31,285 --> 00:23:34,449
That is my campaign chair,
Amy Brookheimer.
585
00:23:34,538 --> 00:23:37,030
She recently had an abortion.
586
00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:39,662
And that is my chief strategist,
Teddy Sykes,
587
00:23:39,752 --> 00:23:43,371
and he is an overgrown midget
who had to be chemically castrated.
588
00:23:43,464 --> 00:23:45,672
And that guy right there,
589
00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:46,919
that's Eric something.
590
00:23:47,009 --> 00:23:48,170
Bill Ericsson.
591
00:23:48,260 --> 00:23:49,842
That's Eric Bill Ericsson,
592
00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:52,262
and he thinks he's better
than everybody else in this room.
593
00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:54,492
I've never seen
anything like this.
594
00:23:54,516 --> 00:23:59,011
He's actually running against his
own campaign. Macau, here we come.
595
00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:02,518
And one more thing. I just found out
from my stupid stepfather that...
596
00:24:02,608 --> 00:24:03,724
Father-in-law!
597
00:24:03,817 --> 00:24:05,649
...from my stupid stepfather-in-law
598
00:24:05,736 --> 00:24:09,195
that math was created by Muslims.
599
00:24:10,616 --> 00:24:14,860
Yeah. And we teach
this Islamic math to children.
600
00:24:14,954 --> 00:24:18,288
Math teachers are terrorists.
601
00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:21,495
- I love this.
- Okay. That's it.
602
00:24:21,585 --> 00:24:22,985
I may be a registered sex offender,
603
00:24:23,045 --> 00:24:24,286
but I cannot be a part of this.
604
00:24:24,380 --> 00:24:25,380
I'm gone.
605
00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:28,377
Algebra? More like Al Jazeera.
606
00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:32,837
Under a Ryan presidency,
I will ban this Sharia math
607
00:24:32,930 --> 00:24:35,593
from being taught
to American children.
608
00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:37,619
- Amy, are you coming?
- There will be no more math.
609
00:24:37,643 --> 00:24:38,643
One sec.
610
00:24:38,727 --> 00:24:42,971
No more math!
No more math! No more math!
611
00:24:43,065 --> 00:24:44,101
No more math!
612
00:24:44,191 --> 00:24:46,604
God fuck America.
613
00:24:46,694 --> 00:24:49,983
No more math!
No more math!
614
00:24:50,072 --> 00:24:52,815
No more math! No more math!
615
00:24:52,908 --> 00:24:54,820
No more math!
616
00:24:54,910 --> 00:24:58,153
No... Are you...
She's fine. She's fine.
617
00:24:59,707 --> 00:25:00,767
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
618
00:25:00,791 --> 00:25:02,202
If we lose, it certainly won't be
619
00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:04,955
for lack of touching people
in a Denny's.
620
00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:07,879
- All right. So, how's the turnout?
- Like my prostate.
621
00:25:07,965 --> 00:25:09,685
Mostly black
and much larger than we'd like.
622
00:25:09,717 --> 00:25:10,717
Oh, shit.
623
00:25:10,801 --> 00:25:13,669
We're seeing unprecedented levels
of African-American voter engagement.
624
00:25:13,762 --> 00:25:17,221
All right. Well, that's terrible,
but also inspiring.
625
00:25:17,307 --> 00:25:19,549
Welcome to McLintock Embedded.
626
00:25:19,643 --> 00:25:20,704
- Oh. We're live.
- Madam President,
627
00:25:20,728 --> 00:25:22,414
would you like to say
something to our viewers?
628
00:25:22,438 --> 00:25:24,758
Sure, if you haven't voted, please...
629
00:25:24,815 --> 00:25:27,558
Oh, sorry. I'm getting a call.
I apologize, it's Wendy.
630
00:25:27,651 --> 00:25:28,651
Oh.
631
00:25:28,777 --> 00:25:30,769
Hey. No, now is a good time.
632
00:25:30,863 --> 00:25:33,071
- What's up?
- Can't buy that kind of press.
633
00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:34,898
- I'm sorry.
- I need to talk to you.
634
00:25:34,992 --> 00:25:35,992
Sparkling water, ma'am?
635
00:25:36,076 --> 00:25:37,192
Yes. Oh, perfect.
636
00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:40,119
Close the door.
637
00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:46,122
Okay. Ben, I sold my soul to
the Chinese for a lousy $25 million.
638
00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:47,577
Ma'am, I warned you.
639
00:25:47,671 --> 00:25:49,128
You cannot trust the Chinese.
640
00:25:49,214 --> 00:25:51,080
I married enough of them to know that.
641
00:25:51,175 --> 00:25:52,336
Wait, isn't your wife Korean?
642
00:25:52,426 --> 00:25:54,509
Maybe. Fog of war.
643
00:25:55,763 --> 00:25:57,254
Ma'am. You wanna see this.
644
00:25:57,347 --> 00:25:58,347
Something's happening.
645
00:25:58,432 --> 00:25:59,826
...poll watchers are reporting
646
00:25:59,850 --> 00:26:03,514
that over 48,000 black voters
were turned away
647
00:26:03,604 --> 00:26:05,891
because their middle initials
on the voter rolls
648
00:26:05,981 --> 00:26:08,098
did not match their identification.
649
00:26:08,192 --> 00:26:09,992
- Wait, what?
- Yeah, listen to this.
650
00:26:10,069 --> 00:26:11,901
"Widespread power outages
across the state,
651
00:26:11,987 --> 00:26:13,728
"and police are urging residents
652
00:26:13,822 --> 00:26:15,300
"to stay at home
for their own safety."
653
00:26:15,324 --> 00:26:16,906
"The outages seem to be occurring
654
00:26:16,992 --> 00:26:19,359
"primarily in
African American neighborhoods."
655
00:26:19,453 --> 00:26:20,614
It's a total blackout.
656
00:26:20,704 --> 00:26:22,445
- Okay, Ben!
- Oh, ma'am, big news.
657
00:26:22,539 --> 00:26:23,905
- Wendy just got a call.
- What?
658
00:26:23,999 --> 00:26:25,706
We're gonna adopt
another baby from China!
659
00:26:25,793 --> 00:26:27,604
You know, I think it's
that secret message that I...
660
00:26:27,628 --> 00:26:29,244
No, no!
661
00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:31,871
- Move!
- Okay, okay!
662
00:26:31,965 --> 00:26:33,125
We got three hours left.
663
00:26:33,175 --> 00:26:34,652
I'll call the Precinct Captains
right now.
664
00:26:34,676 --> 00:26:36,508
We can turn this!
665
00:26:37,846 --> 00:26:40,179
I think the Chinese just delivered.
666
00:26:40,516 --> 00:26:41,552
And?
667
00:26:44,728 --> 00:26:47,971
Thank you, South Carolina!
668
00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:53,977
We had an amazing turnout on our side.
669
00:26:55,572 --> 00:26:56,813
Yeah!
670
00:26:57,825 --> 00:27:00,488
And you know how I like
to celebrate when I win?
671
00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:01,577
How?
672
00:27:01,662 --> 00:27:04,154
By winning some more!
673
00:27:04,248 --> 00:27:05,248
Balloons.
674
00:27:20,681 --> 00:27:23,264
From now on, I do what I want,
675
00:27:23,350 --> 00:27:26,593
I take what I want,
whenever I want it.
676
00:27:27,688 --> 00:27:29,395
"New Selina Now."
677
00:27:29,481 --> 00:27:30,938
Let's watch my victory speech again.
678
00:27:31,024 --> 00:27:32,310
- Yeah. Uh...
- Yeah.
679
00:27:34,194 --> 00:27:35,981
I don't have the remote.
680
00:27:36,071 --> 00:27:38,654
Oh, it's on the table by the chair.
681
00:27:40,450 --> 00:27:41,907
So go get it.
682
00:27:48,250 --> 00:27:50,412
- Good morning, ma'am.
- Good morning.
683
00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:52,334
Hey, Marjorie, look at my eyes.
684
00:27:52,421 --> 00:27:54,253
Tell me straight.
Do they look okay to you?
685
00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:55,705
They look very puffy, ma'am.
686
00:27:55,841 --> 00:27:57,423
Hey.
687
00:27:57,509 --> 00:27:59,112
Hey, good morning.
Morning, ma'am. Marjorie.
688
00:27:59,136 --> 00:28:00,422
- Morning.
- Gary.
689
00:28:00,512 --> 00:28:02,003
- Hey, Gary?
- Yeah.
690
00:28:02,097 --> 00:28:03,338
Do my eyes look puffy to you?
691
00:28:03,974 --> 00:28:05,806
I'm surprised they
let you run for president,
692
00:28:05,893 --> 00:28:07,885
because you look 34, tops.
693
00:28:08,896 --> 00:28:09,932
Yeah.
694
00:28:10,939 --> 00:28:12,375
Marjorie, you're out.
695
00:28:12,399 --> 00:28:14,106
And you're back in.
696
00:28:14,193 --> 00:28:16,254
Okay? You just go back to whatever
you were doing before.
697
00:28:16,278 --> 00:28:18,006
- Finance Chair.
- All right, well, whatever.
698
00:28:18,030 --> 00:28:19,841
So who's in charge of
the faith-based outreach now?
699
00:28:19,865 --> 00:28:21,197
- Not it.
- You are.
700
00:28:21,283 --> 00:28:22,677
- Oh, I am? Oh, okay.
- Yeah, yeah. You still are.
701
00:28:22,701 --> 00:28:24,567
And Keith Quinn'll
help you out too, I think.
702
00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:27,529
Yes, there you go.
So, your name will be all over it.
703
00:28:27,623 --> 00:28:29,615
Like Jodie Foster
in John Hinckley's diary.
704
00:28:29,708 --> 00:28:31,588
- Oh, my God. I'm obsessed with her.
- Let's go.
705
00:28:33,712 --> 00:28:36,750
Congratulations, Gary.
The better woman won.
706
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:37,840
I'll take that.
707
00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:40,833
Thank you.
708
00:28:40,928 --> 00:28:42,260
I moved some things around.
709
00:28:42,346 --> 00:28:44,338
Oh, did you?
710
00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:46,555
- Wow. It looks better.
- Mmm-hmm.
711
00:28:46,642 --> 00:28:48,554
The tampons are vertical,
that's brilliant...
712
00:28:48,644 --> 00:28:50,180
- Gary?
- Yep?
713
00:28:50,270 --> 00:28:52,808
Shouldn't you be pre-chewing
my mother's food for her?
714
00:28:52,898 --> 00:28:54,560
I told her her eyes looked puffy.
715
00:28:55,859 --> 00:28:57,066
Thank you, chipmunk.
716
00:28:57,152 --> 00:28:58,438
You're welcome, Catherine.
717
00:29:00,572 --> 00:29:02,175
Hey-O, Dan-O!
You busting out of here?
718
00:29:02,199 --> 00:29:04,191
Yeah, yeah. Oh, I need an itinerary.
719
00:29:04,284 --> 00:29:07,493
Itineraries are only for people
who work on the campaign.
720
00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:08,990
And?
721
00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:13,119
Wait, I'm fired?
722
00:29:14,169 --> 00:29:15,501
Per fucking who?
723
00:29:15,587 --> 00:29:16,587
Per Selina.
724
00:29:16,672 --> 00:29:17,672
I believe her words were,
725
00:29:17,756 --> 00:29:19,543
"If I need another Washington douche,
726
00:29:19,633 --> 00:29:21,340
"I'll go to the M Street Rite Aid."
727
00:29:21,426 --> 00:29:23,668
You should flip through your NDA.
728
00:29:23,762 --> 00:29:26,800
If you breathe a word
of anything, to anyone,
729
00:29:26,890 --> 00:29:28,006
we'll slit your throat.
730
00:29:29,434 --> 00:29:30,800
Later, gator!
731
00:29:35,524 --> 00:29:37,811
Congressman Ryan
placed a distant third last night.
732
00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:39,212
Where does the campaign go from here?
733
00:29:39,236 --> 00:29:42,354
Third place was a massive win for us.
734
00:29:42,447 --> 00:29:45,281
Selina Meyer and Kemi Talbot
can feel Jonah Ryan
735
00:29:45,367 --> 00:29:46,608
breathing down their necks.
736
00:29:46,702 --> 00:29:49,285
Jonah Ryan said he's been lying
to everyone the whole time.
737
00:29:49,371 --> 00:29:50,737
Why should anyone trust him now?
738
00:29:50,831 --> 00:29:53,289
Frankly, Jonah Ryan
is the only candidate
739
00:29:53,375 --> 00:29:55,788
who's honest about his dishonesty.
740
00:29:55,877 --> 00:30:00,167
And that is why Jonah Ryan is the next
President of the United States.
741
00:30:00,257 --> 00:30:02,715
Speaking as someone
who's covered politics for 20 years,
742
00:30:02,801 --> 00:30:04,793
- Jonah Ryan terrifies me.
- That's your opinion.
743
00:30:04,886 --> 00:30:07,003
I find his mindless,
toxic fear-mongering
744
00:30:07,097 --> 00:30:10,340
a dangerous addition to our already
divisive political climate.
745
00:30:10,434 --> 00:30:11,434
Again, your opinion.
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Tomorrow morning, we will be live
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with exclusive coverage
of Congressman Ryan's rally
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in Youngstown, Ohio, only on CNN.
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