Original subtitles

[growling]

Be patient, Hermie...

I'll have some more pancakes for you in a minute, poopsie.

Goody.

They're so yummy.

Marilyn, would you like some more pancakes?

Sorry, but I have to run and catch my bus. Bye.

Bye-bye. Goodbye, dear.

That's the third time this week she's had to leave...

without finishing her breakfast.

Hey, Pop, why don't you guys buy Marilyn a car?

Now that's a good idea, Eddie.

I've saved nearly $25 on sheets and towels...

by going to the January Black Sales.

And I could probably scrape up a few dollars...

by returning those empty bottles to the blood bank.

It doesn't add up to much, does it?

Uh-uh.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make.

It just so happens that I'm getting a bonus.

A rather substantial one.

And I would be happy to put it into a nice little car for Marilyn.

Herman, how wonderful of you.

I'll go down and see about it this afternoon, dear.

You, buy a car?

[laughing]

Now, that would be something.

Now, I am the head of this family...

and I am going to buy the car.

[hissing]

Hey, boss, did you get a load of that customer that just walked in?

Must be the circus in town.

He's probably on his lunch break from the freak show.

(Blinky) Why don't you unload...

the convertible on this sucker?

That's an idea. Hey, friend.

Hello, friend.

Just checking the carburetor.

Then you'll be interested in this end, over here.

[Herman exclaiming]

The owner must've been a woman...

she left her sewing machine in the trunk.

Say, I can tell you know an awful lot about automobiles, my friend.

Thank you. Listen.

Don't you think this car's a little too light for you?

I think you're right. Let's see something a little heavier.

[clearing throat] Yeah, let me show you this over here.

This is...

of course, a sporty convertible.

But you don't want that, I got another car over here I wanna show you.

Excuse me. Yeah?

Why wouldn't I want a sporty convertible?

I don't know, I just thought a man of your type...

wouldn't want to drive around with his top down.

I see, you think I'm too levelheaded for a car like this.

Well, you see, the fact of the matter is...

I'm buying this car for my young niece.

What a coincidence.

This car belonged to a young niece of an old lady in Pasadena.

That's right. She only drove it...

to Four-H Club meetings once every month.

Then it must have had excellent care. Sure.

I tell you, I'd like to drive it around the block, though, before I buy it.

All right.

I've got a better idea, why don't you...

buy it first, then you can have pride of ownership when you drive it?

But I want to know if the motor's in good running condition.

Well, I'll turn it off and we'll take a look at it.

Has the motor been on? Yeah.

It's so quiet I've hardly heard it.

Hardly? You mean you could hear it at all?

Just barely.

I guess I'll have to knock $25 off the price so you can get a new muffler.

How much do you want for this car?

Wait a minute, I think I better find out...

if it's available. Hey, Blinky!

Yeah, boss.

That call from Hollywood...

Mr. Grant's business manager, come through yet?

Hollywood? Cary Grant?

You said it, I didn't.

Mr. Grant is due in from Europe today...

and his manager is sure he wants the car.

Sorry. Now wait a minute.

This car is on your lot, which means it's for sale, right?

Right, but I already promised it to someone else.

And if I give you a legitimate offer, you've gotta take it, right?

I'm afraid he's got you, boss.

Okay, but you gotta meet the price.

What is it? $900.

Darn, darn.

I've only got $375.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna let you have the car for $375.

On one condition.

What's that? You gotta promise not to tell Cary Grant.

It's a deal. Okay, friend.

[laughing]

What Cary doesn't know won't hurt him.

[all laughing]

(Dan) So long, pally. So long.

[car engine backfiring]

[whistles]

Move them out!

Well, Marilyn, what do you think of the new set of wheels?

Fair Deal Dan and I practically stole it from Cary Grant.

Uncle Herman, a convertible.

It looks all right. Start it up.

Start it?

I don't think even you would buy a car without a motor in it.

Yes, didn't you drive it here?

Well, it stalled right after I left the lot.

It was downhill, so I sort of coasted home.

Start it up, Pop.

[exploding]

[crashing]

[exclaims]

Well, it runs.

Herman, I've got to hand it to you.

You bought the only car I've ever seen that junks itself.

Golly, do you think Fair Deal Dan stuck me?

Stuck you? Herman, you've been shish-kebabed.

Now you just take this heap down to your Fair Deal Dan.

And Marilyn, you go in the house...

and get the phone number for the Better Business Bureau.

Yes, Aunt Lily. Come on, Eddie.

Now, Lily dear.

His name is Fair Deal Dan.

And if I imply that he gave me a rotten deal...

he's liable to go into a tizzy...

and stamp his foot and call me a poor sport and everything.

Herman, what's the matter? Are you afraid of your own shadow?

No, I'm not.

I've seen it lots of times and it hardly scares me at all anymore.

Herman Munster!

You take this car right back down to that used car lot.

And you demand your money back. Yes, dear.

Aunt Lily, I brought the number of the Better Business Bureau.

It's Klondike-5470.

Thank you, dear.

And then you're going to report your Fair Deal Dan to the Better Business Bureau.

Yes, dear.

Come on, Marilyn. Thank you, Uncle Herman.

Now don't feel bad. You tried.

You tried. So did Napoleon at Waterloo.

[laughing]

Grandpa. Okay, Herman, I'll go with you.

Before you stumble over it...

let's see if we can get this thing back together.

So we can bring it back.

(man on radio) Add to hot sheet, QD4625.

Repeat, QD4625.

Be on the lookout, this is a stolen car.

[exploding]

But I tell you, Grandpa, this lot was full of used cars this afternoon.

And right over there was where they pitched the tent.

Tent?

Perhaps the Arabs have folded their tent...

and as the expression goes "taken it on the lam."

Grandpa, I came down here to demand my money back.

And I memorized the Better Business Bureau phone number and everything.

Now what do I do? What do you do? What you always do.

You go home and sit quietly while Lily yells at you.

[exploding]

Now, Grandpa.

I'm sure that our house is due west.

Well you've tried north, south and east.

This time I'd say the odds are with you.

Herman, you're driving me bats.

In another minute, I'm gonna fly home on my own.

[police siren wailing]

Listen, there must be a fire.

I know.

We'll follow the fire trucks...

and if we're lucky, maybe it'll be in our neighborhood.

With your luck, it'll be in our house.

[exclaims]

Look at the pretty red light. It's real Christmassy.

[bat screeching]

What was that? A bat.

You don't see many of them around here.

Must have been attracted by the light.

You better radio for an ambulance...

this poor fellow's been in an accident.

See what happens when they don't use seat belts?

But, Officer, I haven't been in an accident.

And I always wear a seat belt.

Just like they say on television.

This fellow's delirious.

May I see your driver's license, please? Yes, sir.

By George, he hasn't been in an accident, has he?

Not since this was taken, anyway.

You'd better get out of the car. Yes, sir.

Come on, Grandpa.

Grandpa?

Funny, he was here just a minute ago.

He didn't fly past you gentlemen, did he?

You'd better give this one the balloon. Balloon? Oh, goody.

All right, come on, buddy, let's go.

Well, that's six you busted.

Come on now and try to walk the white line.

No, no, it's not what you gentlemen think.

It's just that looking down from great heights make me very dizzy.

All right, fellow, you're coming in to the station with us.

But I can't go with you gentlemen.

I've missed half of My Three Sons already.

I'm sorry, buddy. We're taking you in on account of your car.

What about my car? It's on the hot sheet. It's a stolen car.

All right, come along.

I can't bear to think of my poor baby doll behind bars.

Dear, I just feel as though it's all my fault.

Now, Marilyn, don't blame yourself.

Your Uncle Herman is a born loser.

Grandpa.

You know that Herman is a kind, trusting soul...

with a great faith in his fellow human beings.

You know a better way to be a loser?

Who could put Uncle Herman in jail?

Oh, dear, I hope his boss down at the parlor doesn't find out about this.

Do you think they'll fire him?

At the very least he'll be taken out of Transportation...

and put on Inside Work.

Just when he'd worked himself up to the front right handle.

If we only knew what jail they've taken Uncle Herman to.

It's this waiting around that's so terrible.

Now, Lily, don't fret. Herman will be calling in any minute now.

Down at the jail, they allow them one phone call...

before they put the bums on ice.

And Herman ought to be able to call home...

without goofing it up.

[caws] You wanna bet?

You're permitted one call, but one call only.

Yes, I know. You told me that.

It's very kind of you, advancing me the money.

We've got to, it's the law.

But just one call and then into the tank you go.

Please, I'm very nervous.

Now let's see, what's my number?

Oh, yes.

[chuckles]

[phone ringing]

(woman) This is a recording.

The Better Business Bureau is closed for the day.

Please call back in the morning. Thank you.

Listen, about this tank...

I didn't bring a pair of trunks, can I rent a pair?

Come on.

[buzzer buzzing]

Now, I'm different.

I've been drinking night and day for over 20 years.

What's so different about that?

I ain't ever even seen a pink elephant.

How about a purple pussycat? Never.

How about a red rhinoceros? Never, I have yet to see any of these...

strange creatures that annoy you average drunks.

Hi.

How nice.

I got here just in time for exercise period.

[laughing]

Here's your change and here's your receipt for the $20 bail, ma'am.

Thank you, Sergeant.

By the way, when my husband comes out...

please don't let him know that his bail was only $20.

He's very sensitive, and, well, he might feel slighted.

Well, you've got the money, chum.

When can we have the body?

Just keep your shirt on, the prisoner has to be processed.

So you'll just have to wait.

But, Sergeant, you will hurry, won't you?

We don't like to keep my uncle out late on weeknights.

That's your uncle in there, is it, sister? Yes, Sergeant.

Well, you just wait a minute, little lady.

Spengler! Yeah, Sergeant?

Bring that Munster. Yes, sir.

Grandpa, isn't it wonderful the way Marilyn's handicap...

brings out the natural sweetness in people?

[mumbling]

Here's another fish for the tank, Sergeant.

Got a roll on him big enough to choke Sea Biscuit.

[mumbling]

[laughing]

Where did you get it, brother, rob a bank?

I refuse to answer until I am informed of my...

constitutional rights.

Sit him down.

What is it?

Those things over there that aren't there...

tell them to get away.

Grandpa.

Isn't it awful that Marilyn has to see the ugly side of life like this?

Well, just have to learn to take the good with the bad.

Lily.

Herman.

We were so worried about you...

it must've been terrible in there.

Now, Lily, it actually was rather pleasant in the tank.

The fellows took their exercises and then...

they just lay down on the floor...

and went to sleep.

Let's get out of here.

This is one of those places I just hate to get caught dead in.

Bye, officers. Nighty-night.

Say, there's Fair Deal Dan.

I'd hate myself if I didn't say goodbye to him.

No, not two of them.

Don't let them get me, I confess!

You confess?

Yeah, I stole the car. I sold it to him, to them!

I got my rights, Officer, get me out of here. Get me away from him.

[screaming]

Certainly are a lot of interesting people here.

You know, this is a nice place to visit...

but I wouldn't want to live here.

Well, I did it.

I put the bonus money in Eddie's college account.

That's nice.

You certainly got back from the bank quickly.

I thought it would be crowded.

It was when I went in...

but within a minute all the people were gone.

You know, it's a funny thing, I'm never kept waiting in line.

You are clever that way.

You have a knack for going into a place...

just when there's a lull in business.

Lily's right, Herman.

You know, that and being stupid...

are the two things you do best.

I think it was awfully nice of Marilyn to suggest...

that we save that money for Eddie.

She didn't seem very disappointed about not getting the car.

Well, it seems she's worked out her transportation problem...

to and from school.

She's in some kind of car pool.

Lily, I know I'm an old duffer from Transylvania...

but could you explain to me how someone...

can be in a car pool without having a car?

Grandpa, these youngsters nowadays are so clever.

[siren wailing]

What's that?

Why, it's Marilyn.

What's happened to Marilyn's car pool?

Herman, don't be a dope all your life.

That is her car pool.

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