All language subtitles for The Bernie Mac Show s05e10 Some Church Bull.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,837 --> 00:00:06,007 (theme music playing) 2 00:00:18,093 --> 00:00:19,543 BERNIE: Come on, sweetheart, let's go! 3 00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:22,010 I got your wrap. We'll be late for the PTA meeting. 4 00:00:22,089 --> 00:00:23,219 Okay, honey. I'm coming. 5 00:00:23,298 --> 00:00:25,018 Look at this. Isn't this great? 6 00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:27,022 Hold this for me. 7 00:00:27,094 --> 00:00:30,354 Poetry Slam. Nessa Tompkins. 8 00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:32,020 First prize. 9 00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:34,233 She has really got to be proud. 10 00:00:34,309 --> 00:00:35,859 You know, I wish they would just share 11 00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:37,686 more things like that with us. 12 00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:40,281 Well, baby, things ain't falling through the cracks. 13 00:00:40,291 --> 00:00:43,081 You're busy, I'm busy, they're busy. Come on. 14 00:00:44,528 --> 00:00:46,498 FATHER: On the sixth, the bloodmobile will be here. 15 00:00:46,571 --> 00:00:49,211 And now, once again, all families are encouraged 16 00:00:49,282 --> 00:00:51,212 to attend the annual parish retreat 17 00:00:51,284 --> 00:00:52,594 at the Wandering Glen Lodge. 18 00:00:52,669 --> 00:00:54,389 WOMAN (murmuring): Wandering Glen Lodge? 19 00:00:57,165 --> 00:00:58,875 "Wandering Glen provides a haven 20 00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:01,509 for families away from the hubbub 21 00:01:01,586 --> 00:01:03,146 of daily life." 22 00:01:04,339 --> 00:01:07,179 And now, on with our raffle, Sister. 23 00:01:07,259 --> 00:01:09,139 WANDA: Hey, Bernie, I think the retreat 24 00:01:09,219 --> 00:01:10,559 would be a perfect place for the whole family 25 00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:12,267 to get together. What do you think? 26 00:01:12,347 --> 00:01:14,057 I'd rather hook myself up to the bloodmobile 27 00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:15,781 for a whole month. 28 00:01:17,644 --> 00:01:18,744 Wanda! 29 00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:20,662 Baby girl! Nessa! Jordan! 30 00:01:20,739 --> 00:01:22,619 Come on! We're going to do the Super Bowl shuffle. 31 00:01:22,699 --> 00:01:26,079 Come on. I got three movies. Come on, now. 32 00:01:26,153 --> 00:01:27,243 Honey, Jordan's at a sleepover, 33 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,360 and Vanessa is with her friend, 34 00:01:28,439 --> 00:01:30,909 and so it's just the three of us. 35 00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:33,041 What? I thought we were going to have 36 00:01:33,118 --> 00:01:35,088 a special DVD movie night. 37 00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:37,812 Well... Can I go back to my room? 38 00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:41,430 You might as well. 39 00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:45,516 (upbeat music playing) 40 00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:52,981 See? Now, that's what I'm talking about. 41 00:01:53,054 --> 00:01:54,144 Yeah. I see. 42 00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:56,515 Everybody's just going their own way. 43 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:57,900 I tried, America. 44 00:01:57,976 --> 00:02:00,396 I mean, look at this place. 45 00:02:00,478 --> 00:02:02,738 It's better than a real movie theater. 46 00:02:02,814 --> 00:02:06,164 We shouldn't have to force everyone together. 47 00:02:06,234 --> 00:02:08,124 Since they're all gone, 48 00:02:08,195 --> 00:02:10,905 we might as well make the best of it. 49 00:02:10,989 --> 00:02:12,169 (stray kernels pops) 50 00:02:16,912 --> 00:02:18,342 Honey? Mm-hmm? 51 00:02:18,413 --> 00:02:21,773 I think we should go on that parish retreat. 52 00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:23,552 What? You know, honey, I think 53 00:02:23,627 --> 00:02:25,717 it would be good for the whole family. 54 00:02:25,795 --> 00:02:28,345 You know? We'd get to enjoy the great outdoors, 55 00:02:28,423 --> 00:02:30,853 get to play games and crafts. 56 00:02:30,926 --> 00:02:33,896 Except for one thing, Wanda. 57 00:02:33,979 --> 00:02:35,649 Bernie Mac don't do retreats. 58 00:02:37,182 --> 00:02:38,562 But he does go to bed. 59 00:02:41,436 --> 00:02:44,276 Look, America, I want to tighten this family up 60 00:02:44,356 --> 00:02:46,156 as much as Wanda does, 61 00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:48,067 but singing "Kumbaya" 62 00:02:48,151 --> 00:02:50,121 and roasting weenies in the woods 63 00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:51,829 never helped nobody. 64 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:53,575 Just gave them gas. 65 00:02:53,657 --> 00:02:55,627 Yes, gas. 66 00:02:58,495 --> 00:02:59,505 Wow. 67 00:03:00,455 --> 00:03:03,135 That gives me an idea. 68 00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:05,547 See? This is what I'm talking about. 69 00:03:05,627 --> 00:03:06,887 A beautiful day. 70 00:03:06,962 --> 00:03:08,972 Perfect for a family drive. 71 00:03:09,047 --> 00:03:10,507 You don't need no woods. 72 00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:13,310 All you need is an open doggone road. 73 00:03:13,385 --> 00:03:15,815 That's all we need. 74 00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,266 Am I right, kids? 75 00:03:17,347 --> 00:03:20,407 (whimsical music playing) 76 00:03:21,268 --> 00:03:22,458 (music stops) 77 00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:23,833 Hey, what are you doing? 78 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:26,534 We have to see if Paulie the Penguin lives or dies. 79 00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:29,446 You know he lives. You know it. 80 00:03:29,526 --> 00:03:32,156 You've seen it 75 hundred thousand times. 81 00:03:32,237 --> 00:03:34,867 No more movies, and no more headphones. 82 00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:36,038 That's it. 83 00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:38,286 (overlapping chatter) 84 00:03:38,368 --> 00:03:39,788 BERNIE: Wanda, I swear to God, 85 00:03:39,869 --> 00:03:42,209 I'm going to drive this car off the cliff, 86 00:03:42,289 --> 00:03:45,299 and we're all going to be in hell together! 87 00:03:45,375 --> 00:03:47,345 No, no, no, no, honey. I know what would help. 88 00:03:47,427 --> 00:03:49,047 Keep your eyes on the road. 89 00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:51,049 Okay, everybody, I have a song. 90 00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:52,211 Here we go. 91 00:03:52,282 --> 00:03:54,612 ♪ Do your ears hang low ♪ 92 00:03:54,685 --> 00:03:56,015 ♪ Do they wobble to and fro? ♪ 93 00:03:56,094 --> 00:03:57,334 ♪ Can you tie them in a knot ♪ 94 00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,664 ♪ Can you tie 'em in a bow? ♪ 95 00:03:58,738 --> 00:03:59,648 ♪ Can you throw it over your shoulder ♪ 96 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:00,651 ♪ Like a Continental soldier? ♪ 97 00:04:00,724 --> 00:04:02,404 ♪ Do your ears hang low? ♪ 98 00:04:02,475 --> 00:04:05,865 (pipe organ playing) America, this is crazy. 99 00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:09,106 Even when we're together, we're not together. 100 00:04:09,190 --> 00:04:10,370 This is beyond the power 101 00:04:10,442 --> 00:04:12,532 of Bernie Mac, America. 102 00:04:12,610 --> 00:04:15,210 We're going to have to go one step higher. 103 00:04:15,289 --> 00:04:17,869 We're calling on You, Lord, 104 00:04:17,949 --> 00:04:19,709 at the family retreat. 105 00:04:19,784 --> 00:04:21,294 No TV, no radio, 106 00:04:21,369 --> 00:04:22,709 no cell phone. 107 00:04:22,787 --> 00:04:24,377 Just us and nature, 108 00:04:24,390 --> 00:04:26,520 the way You intended it. 109 00:04:29,127 --> 00:04:32,177 Great! No TV, no radio, 110 00:04:32,255 --> 00:04:34,925 no cell phone, just us. 111 00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:37,398 Oh, Lord, why You forsake me? 112 00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:49,108 (thunder rumbling) 113 00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:51,109 FATHER: If I could have your attention? 114 00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:53,921 (indistinct chatter) 115 00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:57,124 Welcome to Wandering Glen. 116 00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:58,417 I know you're all expecting 117 00:04:58,498 --> 00:05:00,288 a weekend of fun and frolic 118 00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:02,457 in the great outdoors, 119 00:05:02,535 --> 00:05:04,785 but it seems the Good Lord had other plans. 120 00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:07,841 (thunder rumbles) 121 00:05:07,916 --> 00:05:09,836 And who are we to argue? 122 00:05:09,918 --> 00:05:11,218 I don't want to argue. 123 00:05:11,294 --> 00:05:13,264 I just want to leave. Ow! 124 00:05:13,338 --> 00:05:15,258 FATHER: So, just as Jesus 125 00:05:15,340 --> 00:05:17,470 suffered the thorny crown, 126 00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:19,860 we must endure the dankness 127 00:05:19,936 --> 00:05:21,106 of this place. 128 00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:23,608 And now, without further ado, 129 00:05:23,681 --> 00:05:25,941 I'd like to turn the weekend over 130 00:05:26,017 --> 00:05:28,817 to our retreat facilitators, 131 00:05:28,895 --> 00:05:30,145 Father Roger 132 00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:32,160 and Sister Jane. 133 00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:35,162 Hi, everybody! Hey, everybody! 134 00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:36,365 BOTH: And one, two, three. 135 00:05:36,444 --> 00:05:38,134 ♪ Howdy, neighbor ♪ 136 00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,825 ♪ Pleased to meet ya ♪ 137 00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:41,406 JANE: ♪ Sister Jane ♪ ROGER: ♪ Father Roger ♪ 138 00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,065 BOTH: ♪ We're here to greet ya ♪ 139 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,503 JANE: ♪ And don't forget our neighbor above ♪ 140 00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:49,508 Now I want to go home. BOTH: ♪ He's gonna wrap us in a blanket of love ♪ 141 00:05:49,582 --> 00:05:52,802 ♪ A big floppy blanket ♪ 142 00:05:52,877 --> 00:05:56,097 ♪ Of love ♪ 143 00:05:56,172 --> 00:05:57,692 Whoo! Yeah! 144 00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:00,506 JANE: Thank you. Thank you. 145 00:06:00,586 --> 00:06:02,096 Right back at you. Back at ya. 146 00:06:02,178 --> 00:06:04,398 Thank you so much. 147 00:06:04,472 --> 00:06:06,022 Thank you. But, you know, 148 00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:07,729 this is not about us. 149 00:06:07,809 --> 00:06:10,149 This weekend is about you. 150 00:06:10,228 --> 00:06:12,198 Your family. 151 00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:13,656 Communication 152 00:06:13,731 --> 00:06:15,621 and some guy named Jesus Christ. 153 00:06:15,692 --> 00:06:17,382 That's right, that's right. 154 00:06:17,452 --> 00:06:18,992 We're going to help your family get a little... 155 00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:20,594 a little tune-up. ROGER: Mm-hmm. 156 00:06:20,664 --> 00:06:22,214 JANE: And just how the heck we going to do that? 157 00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:23,832 I don't know. How we going to do it, Sister Jane? 158 00:06:23,908 --> 00:06:25,258 Well, it all starts 159 00:06:25,335 --> 00:06:27,255 with our friend... 160 00:06:27,337 --> 00:06:28,757 the Chore Wheel! 161 00:06:28,839 --> 00:06:29,889 ROGER: There she is! 162 00:06:31,174 --> 00:06:32,474 Chore Wheel? 163 00:06:32,542 --> 00:06:34,012 That's just for kids, isn't it? 164 00:06:34,085 --> 00:06:35,265 (whispers) Calm down. 165 00:06:35,345 --> 00:06:37,435 Let her rip! All right! 166 00:06:37,514 --> 00:06:39,934 Around and around she goes! 167 00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:42,608 Where she stops, nobody knows! 168 00:06:44,471 --> 00:06:45,981 VANESSA: Peeling potatoes? 169 00:06:46,056 --> 00:06:48,226 Is this how we're supposed to become a family? 170 00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,478 It's not what you're doing. 171 00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:51,613 It's the fact that we're doing it together. 172 00:06:51,686 --> 00:06:53,186 I remember, when I was a kid, 173 00:06:53,271 --> 00:06:55,571 our family used to go strawberry picking. 174 00:06:55,648 --> 00:06:58,408 And you know what? Actually, we ate more than we picked. 175 00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:00,419 God, were we bad. 176 00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:03,300 (sighs) 177 00:07:08,628 --> 00:07:10,548 Hey, stop! 178 00:07:10,622 --> 00:07:12,262 Stop! 179 00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:13,842 Hey, look at the mess you're making! 180 00:07:13,917 --> 00:07:14,887 Stop it! 181 00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,338 Hey, how's Team Tuber doing? 182 00:07:16,419 --> 00:07:18,089 Oh, we're do-- we're doing great. 183 00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:19,351 Actually, I think we're having 184 00:07:19,431 --> 00:07:21,601 a little bit too much fun here, Sister. 185 00:07:21,674 --> 00:07:24,104 ♪ Someone's peeling, Lord ♪ 186 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:26,021 ♪ Kumbaya ♪ 187 00:07:26,095 --> 00:07:28,945 (guitar strumming continues) 188 00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:38,945 Oh, sorry. 189 00:07:39,025 --> 00:07:40,275 WANDA: No, it's fine. 190 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:41,280 Congratulations. 191 00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:43,201 Oh, thanks. 192 00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:44,453 How far along are you? 193 00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:47,121 Oh, seven months, but it feels like 15. 194 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,500 Well, God, you look great. 195 00:07:48,576 --> 00:07:50,076 WOMAN: Oh, thank you. You know what? 196 00:07:50,161 --> 00:07:51,751 I think I'm going to just move in there this weekend, 197 00:07:51,829 --> 00:07:52,959 'cause I have to go to the bathroom, 198 00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:54,799 like, every 15 minutes. 199 00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:56,014 But you know how that is. 200 00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:58,064 Yeah. Yeah. 201 00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:05,532 Hey, great job on your chores, families. 202 00:08:05,602 --> 00:08:07,892 But what is this? All work and no play? 203 00:08:07,971 --> 00:08:09,151 Uh-uh! No way! 204 00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:10,652 That's no way to spend the day. 205 00:08:10,723 --> 00:08:12,863 ♪ Doodly, doodly, doot, doot, ba-pow! ♪ 206 00:08:12,934 --> 00:08:14,864 Families can have fun together, too. 207 00:08:14,936 --> 00:08:16,566 Only we have to do it indoors this year. 208 00:08:16,646 --> 00:08:18,946 So let's get this indoor party started! 209 00:08:19,023 --> 00:08:21,073 Let's get it started! ♪ Wickit, wick, wick, wick, wicket ♪ 210 00:08:21,150 --> 00:08:24,500 ♪ Wickit, wick, wick, wicket, wick, wick, wack ♪ 211 00:08:25,154 --> 00:08:26,504 Hey, come on. 212 00:08:26,573 --> 00:08:28,873 (funky music playing) 213 00:08:28,950 --> 00:08:31,290 SINGERS: ♪ Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself ♪ 214 00:08:31,369 --> 00:08:33,499 ♪ Enjoy yourself for me ♪ (thud) 215 00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:35,974 SINGERS: ♪ Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself... ♪ 216 00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:37,669 Ow! Don't try to play 217 00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:39,180 like you were somewhere else. 218 00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:40,722 You knew he was getting ready to fall. 219 00:08:40,795 --> 00:08:41,975 I was looking over there. You weren't looking over... 220 00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:43,345 You did it on purpose. 221 00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,223 He could have bust his head wide open. 222 00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:47,930 What are you doing? Come on! Come on! 223 00:08:48,011 --> 00:08:49,021 Oh, come on! Pick it up! 224 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:49,929 Pick it up! Hurry! Go! 225 00:08:50,005 --> 00:08:51,025 What are you doing? 226 00:08:50,906 --> 00:08:52,516 See? This is why we lose every... 227 00:08:52,599 --> 00:08:54,819 See? This is why... 228 00:08:54,892 --> 00:08:56,902 Ow! 229 00:08:56,978 --> 00:08:58,488 SINGER: ♪ Enjoy yourself for me... ♪ 230 00:08:58,563 --> 00:09:00,413 JORDAN: Llama. WANDA: Skiing. 231 00:09:00,490 --> 00:09:02,790 Reindeer. Madagascar. 232 00:09:02,867 --> 00:09:04,867 Cow! Cow! Cow! 233 00:09:04,944 --> 00:09:06,544 MAN: All right, all right. Beef Wellington. 234 00:09:06,613 --> 00:09:07,553 You got it. All right! 235 00:09:07,622 --> 00:09:09,172 Good job. Awesome! 236 00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:10,869 Beef Wellington! (teammates shouting) 237 00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:12,380 BERNIE: Beef Wellington! 238 00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:17,184 Beef Wellington! 239 00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:20,047 ROGER: Let's gather around. Come on! Hurry up! JANE: Okay, everybody. 240 00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:22,310 Don't be shy, now. Get up together. 241 00:09:22,387 --> 00:09:23,677 There you go. There you go. 242 00:09:23,755 --> 00:09:25,635 Oh, boy! Wasn't that great? 243 00:09:25,715 --> 00:09:27,305 Don't you all feel closer already? 244 00:09:27,383 --> 00:09:28,893 JANE: Oh, sure, you do. 245 00:09:28,968 --> 00:09:31,188 So, now, what do you think? A little free time? Hmm. 246 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:32,401 Kick back. Put your feet up. 247 00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:34,022 Smoke 'em if you got 'em. 248 00:09:34,098 --> 00:09:36,068 As long as it's legal. 249 00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:37,032 Right, Cheech? 250 00:09:37,101 --> 00:09:38,791 Oh, yes, Chong! 251 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:43,000 (indistinct chatter) 252 00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:52,723 (guitar playing) 253 00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:57,590 BOTH: ♪ And let's have lunch with Jesus ♪ 254 00:09:57,664 --> 00:10:00,674 ♪ Let's eat dinner with God ♪ 255 00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:03,510 ♪ Let's share wine and wafers ♪ 256 00:10:03,586 --> 00:10:07,176 ♪ 'Cause that's the holy bod ♪ 257 00:10:07,256 --> 00:10:09,176 Look at them up there. 258 00:10:09,258 --> 00:10:11,478 The new face of the Church. 259 00:10:11,561 --> 00:10:13,601 You would think they were on American Idol. 260 00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:16,030 ROGER: ♪ Let's all put on our feed bags ♪ 261 00:10:16,107 --> 00:10:19,437 ♪ Make sure your stomach is as big as your eyes ♪ 262 00:10:19,519 --> 00:10:20,949 Something to take the chill off? 263 00:10:23,272 --> 00:10:25,912 Sure. I'll take a pull. 264 00:10:25,983 --> 00:10:28,833 BOTH: ♪ 'Cause that's the holy bod ♪ 265 00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:31,997 (grunts) BOTH: ♪ Let's share wine and... ♪ 266 00:10:32,073 --> 00:10:33,253 (coughing) 267 00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:34,328 Wow. 268 00:10:34,409 --> 00:10:35,789 (chuckling) 269 00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:37,288 ROGER: ♪ 'Cause that's... ♪ 270 00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:41,960 BOTH: ♪ The holy bod ♪ 271 00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:43,271 You like Cubans? 272 00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:44,763 Hmm... 273 00:10:44,836 --> 00:10:46,426 I'm but a humble servant. 274 00:10:46,504 --> 00:10:48,864 (cheers and applause) 275 00:10:48,932 --> 00:10:49,992 (sighs) 276 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,226 ROGER: Back to you. Back to you! 277 00:10:52,301 --> 00:10:53,431 Oh, sweet Jesus. 278 00:10:53,511 --> 00:10:56,151 Thank you so much. That was good. 279 00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,266 Oh, she wrote it. 280 00:10:57,348 --> 00:10:59,408 Oh, 281 00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:00,664 he inspired that song. 282 00:11:00,735 --> 00:11:02,685 Thank you so much, Sister Jane. 283 00:11:02,770 --> 00:11:04,610 Well, you did. Are you hungry? 284 00:11:04,689 --> 00:11:07,119 Isn't it cozy, sitting here by the fire? 285 00:11:07,191 --> 00:11:10,791 It would be so nice if we had some hot cocoa. 286 00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:14,000 Does it remind you of another family story 287 00:11:14,073 --> 00:11:16,333 with you drinking cocoa? 288 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:17,503 (thunder rumbles) 289 00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:18,717 Mwa... 290 00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:23,721 BERNIE: Hey, you ready for some bonding? 291 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,510 Actually, I'm ready to go home. 292 00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:27,085 What? 293 00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:28,514 Come on. 294 00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:30,398 Surely, you're not ready to go home 295 00:11:30,473 --> 00:11:32,343 before the game is over. 296 00:11:32,417 --> 00:11:34,807 I'm starting to think that this was a waste of time. 297 00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:37,310 I mean, we're not really communicating. 298 00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,232 Sure, we're communicating. 299 00:11:39,241 --> 00:11:40,231 Come on. 300 00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:41,728 The kids aren't into it. 301 00:11:41,809 --> 00:11:43,619 and all you want to do is just win. 302 00:11:45,247 --> 00:11:46,737 Well, I will admit 303 00:11:46,814 --> 00:11:49,414 I was a little competitive. 304 00:11:49,484 --> 00:11:51,914 But all that's going to change. 305 00:11:51,986 --> 00:11:52,866 For the kids. 306 00:11:52,945 --> 00:11:53,955 How's that? 307 00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:59,343 Okay, today we're going to get 308 00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:01,249 a little more honest with each other 309 00:12:01,329 --> 00:12:04,419 with something that we call the Lemon Squeeze. 310 00:12:04,499 --> 00:12:05,879 It's a chance to get out 311 00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:09,588 some of your sour feelings... 312 00:12:09,670 --> 00:12:11,260 while being anonymous. 313 00:12:11,339 --> 00:12:12,639 Just write down something 314 00:12:12,715 --> 00:12:14,515 that you'd like to say to another person 315 00:12:14,526 --> 00:12:15,556 in your family. 316 00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:17,225 Don't sign your name. 317 00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:18,693 Fold up the paper, 318 00:12:18,763 --> 00:12:20,563 and put it in the old basket. 319 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:21,480 Like that. 320 00:12:21,557 --> 00:12:22,937 And go. Okay. 321 00:12:23,017 --> 00:12:24,277 Oh, she's already starting. 322 00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:26,152 Does everyone have a pencil? 323 00:12:26,229 --> 00:12:27,739 Don't peek. (indistinct) 324 00:12:27,814 --> 00:12:29,374 that's important. Don't peek. 325 00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:31,739 Don't peek. Yes. 326 00:12:31,818 --> 00:12:32,988 WANDA: Okay, here we go. 327 00:12:33,069 --> 00:12:34,879 Bernie, this is for you. Okay. 328 00:12:34,954 --> 00:12:36,954 "You always hog the remote control. 329 00:12:37,031 --> 00:12:39,081 You hog the couch. You hog everything." 330 00:12:39,158 --> 00:12:41,378 Who wrote that? Let me see that. 331 00:12:41,452 --> 00:12:42,502 Let me see that writing. 332 00:12:42,578 --> 00:12:43,798 Honey, it's about listening. 333 00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,045 The reason I hog things 334 00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:47,811 is because I own every doggone thing. 335 00:12:47,884 --> 00:12:51,094 I can hog things if I want to when you own 'em. 336 00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:53,510 WANDA: Okay, this is also for you. 337 00:12:53,589 --> 00:12:54,969 "I don't like the way 338 00:12:55,049 --> 00:12:57,269 you're always threatening us ." 339 00:12:57,343 --> 00:12:58,893 I don't threaten you. 340 00:12:58,904 --> 00:13:01,444 When's the last time I threatened you, huh? 341 00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,154 Huh? 342 00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:04,658 WANDA: Okay, we got another one. 343 00:13:04,734 --> 00:13:06,914 "You think the world revolves around you." 344 00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:07,986 That's bull. 345 00:13:08,062 --> 00:13:09,902 That ain't nothing but some bull. 346 00:13:09,981 --> 00:13:11,781 Try and kill my spirits. That's all that is. 347 00:13:11,792 --> 00:13:14,122 That's all-- that's all that is. 348 00:13:14,193 --> 00:13:15,333 Playa haters. 349 00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:17,413 Okay, look. You have one more. 350 00:13:17,488 --> 00:13:19,368 "I hate that one cologne you wear. 351 00:13:19,448 --> 00:13:22,118 It makes you smell like a horse." 352 00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:24,421 Look, look... 353 00:13:24,495 --> 00:13:26,295 Who-who wrote it? 354 00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:27,712 Give me that basket. No. 355 00:13:27,790 --> 00:13:29,230 I got some things I want to say. Okay. 356 00:13:29,308 --> 00:13:32,718 Bernie Mac wants to go on another retreat. 357 00:13:32,795 --> 00:13:34,765 And it's going to go like this. 358 00:13:36,173 --> 00:13:38,273 (blows a note) 359 00:13:38,276 --> 00:13:40,306 Retreat! 360 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,320 (blows a note) 361 00:13:45,224 --> 00:13:48,084 (upbeat music playing) 362 00:13:53,190 --> 00:13:54,120 (door slams) 363 00:13:56,586 --> 00:14:00,256 (doors slamming) 364 00:14:02,500 --> 00:14:03,960 (door slams) 365 00:14:04,035 --> 00:14:05,455 Go ahead! 366 00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:07,630 Slam them doors. 367 00:14:07,705 --> 00:14:09,165 Stupid retreat. 368 00:14:09,248 --> 00:14:10,588 Made things worse. 369 00:14:10,666 --> 00:14:13,506 Mac's gonna have to play hardball 370 00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:16,256 and Mac know how to play the hardball. 371 00:14:16,339 --> 00:14:18,429 Look, pitch it all close in tight. 372 00:14:18,507 --> 00:14:20,307 Let you hit the dirt. 373 00:14:20,384 --> 00:14:22,944 The Mac-man cometh. 374 00:14:23,012 --> 00:14:25,232 You know what? 375 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,030 I think it's time for dessert. 376 00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:31,238 Ladies and gentlemen, 377 00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:34,206 I give you Chocolate Thunder Pie. 378 00:14:37,693 --> 00:14:39,753 Look at all that chocolate layer 379 00:14:39,829 --> 00:14:42,369 with the cream on top. 380 00:14:42,448 --> 00:14:45,668 With an Oreo-flake caramel crust, 381 00:14:45,743 --> 00:14:48,013 just falling off it. 382 00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:49,057 Who'd like a piece? 383 00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:50,668 BRYANA: Me! Me! Me! Me! Okay. 384 00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:53,272 In order for you to get a piece, 385 00:14:53,343 --> 00:14:54,723 you must share 386 00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:56,724 with the entire family, 387 00:14:56,796 --> 00:15:00,256 one of your ultimate secrets, 388 00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:01,595 and if you share this secret, 389 00:15:01,676 --> 00:15:04,186 it'll bring this family closer 390 00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:05,390 and closer 391 00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:08,401 and closer together. 392 00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:09,914 Who still wants a piece? 393 00:15:13,562 --> 00:15:16,662 Did I mention the hot caramel, 394 00:15:16,732 --> 00:15:17,822 chocolate fudge 395 00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:19,244 that drips on the side? 396 00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:20,488 Okay, okay. Me, me, me. 397 00:15:20,569 --> 00:15:21,539 Me, me. I'll go. 398 00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:23,411 I'll give you a piece first 399 00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:24,749 so you can look at it. 400 00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:25,754 So you can see... 401 00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:27,995 Ooh, look at that. 402 00:15:28,077 --> 00:15:30,087 Mmm. 403 00:15:30,162 --> 00:15:32,562 Pie first. BERNIE: No, tell the story first. 404 00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,472 You're like me, you'd never tell the story. 405 00:15:34,542 --> 00:15:36,232 I have pubic hair. Lots of it. 406 00:15:39,296 --> 00:15:40,226 BERNIE: Okay. 407 00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:43,216 Pubic hairs. 408 00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:44,180 Who else? 409 00:15:44,260 --> 00:15:45,320 Come on. 410 00:15:45,395 --> 00:15:47,975 I think he shared enough for all of us. 411 00:15:48,055 --> 00:15:50,185 Oh, come on, let's have some fun. 412 00:15:50,266 --> 00:15:51,196 I'll go. 413 00:15:52,351 --> 00:15:53,821 Um... 414 00:15:53,894 --> 00:15:56,454 I know the retreat didn't go as planned. 415 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,566 Looking at all those nice families, 416 00:15:58,649 --> 00:16:00,869 I guess... 417 00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:03,237 I wanted us to be more... 418 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:04,300 like them. 419 00:16:06,332 --> 00:16:07,922 I mean, I've been taking care of you guys 420 00:16:07,992 --> 00:16:10,502 for four years, and... 421 00:16:10,578 --> 00:16:11,588 not once have you guys 422 00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:14,011 given me a Mother's Day card. 423 00:16:14,081 --> 00:16:15,391 But you're not our mother. 424 00:16:16,625 --> 00:16:17,805 Right. 425 00:16:19,545 --> 00:16:21,215 Right. 426 00:16:21,297 --> 00:16:23,347 Sorry. Excuse me. 427 00:16:23,358 --> 00:16:24,358 Wan... 428 00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:29,647 (door slams) 429 00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:30,652 Why would you go and say 430 00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:32,733 something stupid like that? 431 00:16:32,808 --> 00:16:34,238 I wasn't trying to be mean. 432 00:16:34,318 --> 00:16:35,278 Well, you were. 433 00:16:36,645 --> 00:16:37,825 Ooh! 434 00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:40,124 Wanda? 435 00:16:40,199 --> 00:16:41,169 Wanda. 436 00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:48,011 You okay, sweetheart? 437 00:16:51,535 --> 00:16:53,135 Honey, you know I love those kids. 438 00:16:53,212 --> 00:16:54,462 Oh, I know that. 439 00:16:54,538 --> 00:16:57,298 I love them like they're my own. 440 00:16:57,374 --> 00:16:58,314 Yeah. 441 00:17:00,961 --> 00:17:03,101 I don't think they love me like that. 442 00:17:03,172 --> 00:17:04,512 I don't think they ever will. 443 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,144 Oh, stop that kind of talk. 444 00:17:07,218 --> 00:17:09,018 You can't take them serious tonight. 445 00:17:09,095 --> 00:17:11,395 They were just tripping over that little pie. 446 00:17:11,472 --> 00:17:12,772 It's not their fault. 447 00:17:12,848 --> 00:17:14,148 It's not, you know. 448 00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:16,329 It's true what they said in there. 449 00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:17,872 I'm not their mother. 450 00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:22,704 It's just that, this weekend on the retreat, 451 00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:25,915 I-I felt like I wanted that for myself. 452 00:17:25,995 --> 00:17:28,375 Like I want to be somebody's mom. 453 00:17:33,428 --> 00:17:34,428 Whose? 454 00:17:37,081 --> 00:17:38,091 Bernie... 455 00:17:41,127 --> 00:17:42,807 I want us to have a baby. 456 00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:45,731 (clears throat) 457 00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:50,644 Come on, honey. You couldn't... 458 00:17:50,719 --> 00:17:52,359 y-y-you can't be serious. 459 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,861 What about me?! Have you thought about me? 460 00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:58,568 No, you ain't thought about me. 461 00:17:58,644 --> 00:18:00,654 What about me? 462 00:18:00,729 --> 00:18:01,949 And I'm not no 25, 463 00:18:02,022 --> 00:18:04,042 27-year-old man no more. 464 00:18:05,776 --> 00:18:07,236 You know? I don't feel like 465 00:18:07,319 --> 00:18:08,709 going to no doggone park 466 00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:12,618 watching my kids play soccer in no wheelchair. 467 00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,380 So what are you saying? 468 00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:18,852 Wanda, I guess I'm saying no. 469 00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:22,921 (whispers) Okay. 470 00:18:22,994 --> 00:18:25,734 Come on, Wanda. Don't be like that. 471 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,105 Wanda! 472 00:18:27,181 --> 00:18:28,091 America, 473 00:18:28,166 --> 00:18:29,766 I knew we never should have gone 474 00:18:29,851 --> 00:18:30,851 on that doggone retreat. 475 00:18:30,926 --> 00:18:32,686 Something told me in my heart. 476 00:18:32,761 --> 00:18:34,521 It's those doggone kids. 477 00:18:34,597 --> 00:18:35,807 Treating her like an aunt 478 00:18:35,890 --> 00:18:37,520 instead of like a mother. 479 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,610 Now look. Look at what they did. 480 00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:41,235 Now she wants to be a mother 481 00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:42,566 instead of an aunt. 482 00:18:42,646 --> 00:18:43,866 You know what, America? 483 00:18:43,948 --> 00:18:46,418 Kids ruin everything. 484 00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:54,420 VANESSA: Aunt Wanda, can we talk to you? 485 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:57,510 Sure. 486 00:18:57,587 --> 00:18:59,707 I just wanted to say I'm sorry 487 00:18:59,788 --> 00:19:01,138 about what I said earlier. 488 00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:03,467 I know. 489 00:19:03,542 --> 00:19:04,472 But you know what? 490 00:19:04,543 --> 00:19:05,813 It's kind of crazy of me 491 00:19:05,887 --> 00:19:07,767 to expect a Mother's Day card anyway. 492 00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:10,217 It's okay. VANESSA: No, it wasn't. 493 00:19:10,299 --> 00:19:12,769 I mean, you are like our mom now 494 00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:14,767 and we want to say thanks. 495 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,769 Yeah. 496 00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:18,561 Would some... 497 00:19:18,575 --> 00:19:20,725 Chocolate Thunder Pie help? 498 00:19:20,809 --> 00:19:23,119 Oh, now that's worth a shot. 499 00:19:25,272 --> 00:19:26,782 Thank you, guys. 500 00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:28,661 I love you. 501 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:29,958 KIDS: Love you, too. 502 00:19:35,491 --> 00:19:36,421 WANDA: Good night. 503 00:19:37,785 --> 00:19:38,875 Aw, man, 504 00:19:38,953 --> 00:19:41,173 look at her out there. 505 00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:43,837 I mean, what am I gonna do, America? 506 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,010 The truth is, 507 00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:46,804 Wanda would make a great mom. 508 00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:48,801 She already is. 509 00:19:48,879 --> 00:19:50,009 And I have to admit, 510 00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:52,319 somewhere in the back of my mind, 511 00:19:52,391 --> 00:19:53,681 I've always wondered 512 00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:55,019 what a mini-me 513 00:19:55,094 --> 00:19:57,824 and what a mini-her would be like. 514 00:19:57,897 --> 00:19:59,277 Definitely cute. 515 00:20:00,474 --> 00:20:01,454 You know. 516 00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:04,579 I mean, but... 517 00:20:04,654 --> 00:20:06,704 it's just a fact of nature. 518 00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:09,946 Having a kid changes everything, America. 519 00:20:10,025 --> 00:20:10,825 You know that. 520 00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,460 You know that's huge. 521 00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:15,881 And it wasn't part of the plan. 522 00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:18,927 Oh, America, 523 00:20:19,001 --> 00:20:22,001 what do I do? 524 00:20:22,079 --> 00:20:23,349 What do I do? 525 00:20:25,874 --> 00:20:29,354 (upbeat music playing) 526 00:20:29,428 --> 00:20:30,558 (clears throat) 527 00:20:36,010 --> 00:20:37,060 SINGER: ♪ When I wake up ♪ 528 00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:40,476 ♪ In the morning, love ♪ 529 00:20:40,556 --> 00:20:43,566 You mean? SINGER: ♪ And the sunlight hurts my eyes ♪ 530 00:20:45,227 --> 00:20:47,617 Under one condition, Wanda, 531 00:20:47,697 --> 00:20:49,327 and I do mean one. 532 00:20:50,607 --> 00:20:51,777 That my den 533 00:20:51,859 --> 00:20:55,699 never, ever 534 00:20:55,779 --> 00:20:57,259 becomes a nursery. 535 00:20:58,624 --> 00:21:00,054 You got that? 536 00:21:01,785 --> 00:21:03,085 I love you. 537 00:21:04,889 --> 00:21:06,209 I love you, too. 538 00:21:06,290 --> 00:21:08,180 Honey, what made you change your mind? 539 00:21:10,502 --> 00:21:11,442 You. 540 00:21:13,881 --> 00:21:16,101 Thank you. 541 00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:18,135 Thank you, honey. SINGER: ♪ ...lovely day ♪ 542 00:21:18,152 --> 00:21:19,442 ♪ Lovely day... ♪ 543 00:21:23,974 --> 00:21:26,084 Come on, it's a little bit too quiet in here. 544 00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:28,032 Somebody got to have 545 00:21:28,037 --> 00:21:30,077 something to say, geez. 546 00:21:31,899 --> 00:21:34,699 You might want to roll the window down. 547 00:21:34,711 --> 00:21:38,411 Oh, my God. 548 00:21:38,423 --> 00:21:40,213 (laughing) 549 00:21:43,744 --> 00:21:44,924 (coughing) 550 00:21:44,995 --> 00:21:46,135 Oh... 551 00:21:47,081 --> 00:21:49,801 Oh, man. Oh, man. 552 00:21:49,875 --> 00:21:51,095 Oh, man. 553 00:21:57,091 --> 00:21:58,191 Captioned by Visual Data 554 00:21:58,241 --> 00:22:02,791 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 37253

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