All language subtitles for The Bernie Mac Show s03e10 JORDAN Spells Funny.eng

I suppose you're wondering

why I asked you
back down here today, Mr. Mac.

Yeah, I am kind of wondering,

because the boy been in
trouble for every doggone thing. I'm trying to

Take a look
at these.

That'll tell you
the whole story.

Wow.

Father, they look
like spelling tests to me.

You'll notice that
each is marked with "100."

Perfect score.

That little damn cheat.

We felt the same at first,
Mr. Mac,

so I put three proctors on him,
and we watched...

and we waited.

In addition to having
a mild case of kleptomania

we discovered the boy can spell
with the fury of Saint Michael.

You kidding.

That seem like a good thing,
though, Father.

So, what seem to be
the problem?

The problem is
the boy will only spell for grades,

not for the glory
of Damien Elementary.

I'm afraid, Father,

I'm following you
even less than usual.

The citywide spelling
bee, Mr. Mac.

For five years running

we've got our butts
kicked by Saint Angelo's.

The boy's our only chance.

That's where you come in.

Damn right
that's where I come in, America.

Look at these--
100, 100, another 100.

Doggone it,
this boy batting 1,000.

Shoot.

Back in the day,
I used to hate spelling.

Back in the day.

Bernard, the word is "rhythm."

Rhythm?

R-I-T-H-U-M. Rhythm.

(buzzer)

(children laughing)

I was eight, America.

But I got better.

But Jordan,
he don't have to work at it.

He's a natural-born speller.

He got a mind like a tack.

He uses it for evil sometime,

but we finally found something
he could put his mind

that won't require punishment:
academics.

Hell, yes, America.

This is exactly where I come in.

I got better, too.

Uh, "campus."

Q-U... Q...

Campus,
camp, camp, camp, camp...

There's a vowel in there.

But spelling bees
are for geeks and losers.

Well, what type of tie
you want to wear,

a bow tie for
the competition?

Let me help you, baby.

Jordan, sweetie,
there is nothing geeky

about using your mind.

See? See... Hold
this, baby, hold it.

Son, listen to what
your aunt talking about.

Ain't nothing geeky about going
to a college of your own choice.

Or you can become
a multi-millionaire.

Or having your own
spelling bee TV show.

Listen up, boy.

I'm going to tell you something
I never even told your aunt.

I was in a spelling bee once.

JORDAN:
You were?!

You're doggone right,

and I lost
in the first doggone round.

I couldn't spell
the word "rhythm."

Well, rhythm's easy.

Yeah, but there's a trick to it.

You wouldn't think...

R-H-Y-T-H-M.
...vowel to it.

So, you mean I could do
something better than you?

Unfortunately.

Okay, I'll enter.

That's what I'm
talking about.

Hey, Jordan,
what you doing?

Watching TV.

How many times
I tell you

television
numb your brain?

Come on, we got a spelling bee
to study for. Come on.

Okay, I'm going to start you off
with a real hard one.

Here go one--
"pneumonia."

Pneumonia: P-N-E-U-M-O-N-I-A.
Pneumonia.

Ding!

Project, Uncle Bernie, project.

Nessa, how many times
I'm gon' have to tell you

I'm not going to act
in your little film?

But it's for school.

I need to capture
a day in the life of our family.

It's gonna be the last day
of your life

if you keep giving me direction.

Now, get.
Perfect.

Hey, honey, where's Jordan?

Oh, I got him
in the room.

I gave him another
list of words for the spelling bee.

Don't you think you need
to call him for dinner?

I'll bring him a plate.
He be all right.

Honey...
He's in training.

But he's not a boxer.

You don't know
nothing about this.

But he's
been eating junk.

He needs...
Don't worry...

Ooh, this is good.

What are you
talking about?

BERNIE:
Oh.

Is that thing on?

It's always on.

Oops.
I dropped my fork.

Oh, Wanda, come on, now.

It's for a bunch
of 15-year-old.

Quit being so
doggone vain.

I am not being vain.

Baby, I ain't never seen

a bunch of geeks and losers
like that before in my life.

Honey...

SANJAY:
Onomatopoeia: O-N-O-M-A...

It's going to be
between Jordan and that Indian boy,

watch and see.

Jordan will have
to gut him like a fish.

Sanjay's his friend.

Ain't no friends
in spelling, baby.

(chuckling)

Quiet down.

As most of you know,
this is an exhibition bee.

Tomorrow, we spell
against another school,

and God willing,
we'll smite our foes

with the righteous anger
of avenging angels.

So, look out,
Little Sisters of the Poor.

Now, let's have fun.

This is it, America:
the moment of truth.

That boy's
about to take center stage

and become a spelling legend.

Almost makes up for that
rhythm incident, doesn't it?

(buzzer)

Will the next contestant
please step

to the microphone?

Your word, young Jordan,
is "nickel."

As in "I wouldn't
give a nickel

for Saint Angelo's chances
of winning this year."

Nickel? Why he give him
a five-cent word like that

with that boy's talent?

Jordan?

Nickel: N-I-C-K...

What's wrong with him?

Don't forsake us now, son.

Excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me.

Jordan. Come here.

Jordan?

Hey, not so hard.
Oh, I'm sorry.

You all right, boy?

Did I win?

No, you punked out.
What happened?

I don't know.

Right when I
saw the audience,

everything got blurry,
my mouth got dry,

and I could feel
my heart in my head.

I think I had a heart attack.

You...

That was no heart attack,
America, oh, no.

That was classic stage fright.

Okay, I might not have been
much of a speller,

but getting in front
of a audience--

that's my specialty.

Not only will I see that boy
through the stage fright,

I'll have him spelling the pants

off those poor little sisters
in no time.

Well, you know what I mean.

'Cause, uh,
Sister Mary Elizabeth,

she real nice, and Sister
Mary Catherine, she, she's...

Nice.

You okay?

I guess.

Look here, son.

I know you was scared up there.

Shoot, when I
was your age,

I had it worse than you.

Whenever I had to go speak
in front of the whole class,

boy, the fear had me so bad
I would just throw up.

I didn't throw up...
until after.

I know.

All in my truck.

Well, anyway, I
remember one time

I had to speak in front
of the whole class, Jordan.

I was so scared, man.

I had to do a thing
on Booker T. Washington.

The fear had me so bad,

I accidentally said
"Booger" T. Washington.

(laughing)

Yeah. That's what the
whole class did.

They laughed, too.

That's what got me
through the fear: the laugh.

Next thing you know,
it was all gone.

All because
you said "booger"?

No. Because
of the laugh.

The laugh got me
through the fear.

Now, see, that's what
you got to do, son.

You got to find out
what works for you,

because Jordan,
you got a gift,

and you can't let
it go to waste.

Okay, I'll try.

That's my man.

Aunt Wanda,
have you seen my...?

What are you doing?

Just cooking dinner.

Oh, that's right.

You're filming a day in the life
for your school, aren't you?

Well, don't mind me.

I can't use this.

What do you mean

you can't use this? But...

Sanjay, the word is "milieu."

Milieu: M-I-L-I-E-U.

Milieu.

(bell dings)

(applause)
Thank you.

I enjoyed spelling "milieu"
for you very much.

Ain't nobody ask you that.

Sit your ass down.

(applause)

Come on, now, boy.
Keep it together.

Be the word.

Jordan, the word is...

Booger!

(muffled gasps)

Uh, I'm sorry, son, I almost
thought you said the word...

Booger!

(laughter)

B-O-O-G-

E-R. Booger.

(bell dings)

The word is "cataclysmic."

As in "If you make a mockery

of these proceedings
again,

the pain you suffer
will be cataclysmic."

Cataclysmic: C-A-T-A-C-L-Y-
S-M-I-C.

Cataclysmic.

(bell dings)

Hey.

Feel good to win, doesn't it?

Feels great.

At first I thought

I was having
another heart attack,

but then when
everybody laughed,

suddenly I wasn't
scared anymore.

I just felt
like spelling.

Imagine that.

The same thing that got you
over your stage fright

the same thing
that got me over mine.

Guess what?

We are just alike.

Yeah, I really liked it
when they laughed.

Now I know why
you do what you do.

Oh, it's a good feeling.

Now, get you some rest,
'cause you got Saint Angelo

coming up,
champ.

Jordan got confidence, America.

See, laughter
is the best medicine,

and with that confidence,

he's going to spell defeat
for Saint Angelo.

I can't wait.

(car horn honking)

Jordan, shake a leg!

Your ride's here!

Okay, see you later,
Uncle Bernie.

You sure will, at 4:00.

I'll be there front and center.

Be where?

At the spelling bee.

I'm going to watch you
beat Saint Angelo.

Watch you spell words so hard,

judges won't even know
if you're right.

I'm not doing
any more spelling bees.

Hey, hey, h-hold on.

What you
talking about?

If you won tonight,
you'd be in the regionals.

Spelling's too boring.

Besides, I won't have time.

I have to put all my energy
into my true gift: comedy.

I'm gonna be
an entertainer

just like you.
Jordan...

Jordan!

What am I supposed to do,
America?

Now, the boy thinks he's funny,
and you know he's not,

but how do you tell a kid
he ain't funny

without shattering
his confidence, huh?

You tell me, America.

(chuckling)

I got a hand
like a foot.

Now, that's funny!

Tough table, man,
tough table.

Hey, everybody,
check this out.

I've been working
on my act.

No, Jordan, not now,
not now, no.

Come on, Uncle Bernie,
let me liven up the room.

Listen to that fool, America.

I'm trying to save him.

My boys are a rough crowd,
I'm telling you,

and he starts telling jokes!

JORDAN:
Know what I don't get?

Why do you call it
a glove compartment?

Oh, Lord, he's started.

Excuse me, America. Excuse me.

I mean, did anybody
ever see gloves

in the glove compartment?

I don't get it.

Oh, come on, Big Man,
you know what I'm talking about.

Oh!

Big Man...
Jordan, Jordan,

I'm not going to tell you again:
go hit the sheets, man.

Uh, everybody,
I got a quick question.

Why does Donald Duck
wear a jacket?

Duck feathers keep me warm.
I don't get it.

Jordan, I'm not going
to tell you again!

Okay, but my sister's room
is so messy,

when she cleaned it,
she found Jimmy Hoffa!

What you know

about Jimmy Hoffa,
little man?

Nothing, it just says on the
card it's supposed to be funny.

You've been a great audience.
Good night!

(chuckling)

I thought he was
kind of funny, man.

BERNIE:
Yeah, you would.

I'll give you something
to cry about!

(tape rewinding)

I'll give you something
to cry about.

I'm telling you, they won't
be able to find your head.

I'm telling you, they won't be
able to find your head.

I thought I heard
my voice in here.

There's nothing here.
I'm going to get an F.

( chuckles ):
I don't see how.

You got that doggone camera on
all day and night.

But I can't use any of it.

You're always screaming at me
to turn the camera off,

Aunt Wanda will only
let me shoot her from the left side,

and Jordan's either passed out
or telling stupid jokes.

It's like a horror movie.

Yeah, well, we're
the only family you've got.

Love it or leave it.

Dealer's choice.
(chuckles)

Bigfoot.

I'll give you something
to cry about!

I'm telling you, they won't
be able to find your head.

Jordan, you just can't jump
from one thing to the next.

Now, you're a
pretty good speller.

Plus, I don't know
about this comedy thing.

I don't know
if it's good for you, man.

Because of your friends?

Honestly, Uncle Bernie,
they're a dead audience.

But check this out.

Check this out.

This boy here is something.

Now, what is this?

It's a flyer for the school
talent show I entered.

You getting ready to
do your whole act?

Yeah.

In front of the
whole school?

Yeah!

No, no, no, no,
you can't do that.

Here, no.

How come?

Because I said
so, Jordan.

Now, I want you to
go to your room, and I want you to study

your spelling words
for the spelling bee competition. Now, get!

Go on.

I'm trying
to spare the boy.

You know how cruel
kids can be.

His friends are ten.

They might think
he's funny...

and I think you're the
one that's being cruel.

Cruel to be kind, baby,

cruel to be kind.

When he finds out
how not funny he is,

he won't be able
to spell anymore.

He already
quit the team.

I got him to un-quit.

So... you made him do
what he doesn't want,

but you won't let him do
what he wants?

Cruel to be kind, baby,
cruel to be kind.

Well, this isn't exactly

the movie I set out
to make,

but like my teacher says,
the camera never lies.

Okay.

So, this film is dedicated
to you, Uncle Bernie.

Aw.
Aw... so nice...

I told you
she'd change,

get her away
from the projects...

(stomp)
Damn, who feet is that?

(stomp)
(suspenseful music playing)

Me?

Nessa, get that camera
out of my face.

(chuckling)
Boy, I'm hungry.

(suspenseful music playing)

(stomping)

( screaming)

Oh, now, that's good.

I'm scaring
white people.

(screams)

(stomping)

(screaming)

They're getting
ready to kill me.

(screams)

That's Loretta Young.

There's nothing in here!

(foreboding music plays)

Who am I going to eat?!

(Vanessa's voice):
Mmm, this one looks tasty.

(Vanessa's voice):
No, no, please, don't eat me.

(burping)

(snorting)

(screaming)

(all laughing)

That girl made a monster movie
out of me, America.

I'm not a Bigfoot. I'm a man.

I'm just a...
I'm a good man, too.

BERNIE:
I'm telling you, they won't be able to find your head.

Okay, America, that wasn't
very nice. I admit that.

JORDAN:
Ogre: O-G-R-E. Ogre.

Which one is worse, America,
ogre or Bigfoot?

America, I'm telling you,
this is some bull.

Trying to do the right thing
doesn't make me a Bigfoot.

I'm just trying
to help the boy out,

keep him from making
a damn fool of himself.

Okay, but, hey, if he wants
to go out there

and stink it up, then fine.

I'll be out there
front and center.

And finally, the laughing
kookaburra from Australia.

(cawing)

(trilling)

(applause)
Whoo!

Thank you, Michelle.

Bird calls always remind me
of spring.

(complete silence)

Okay. Our next act has written
his own introduction.

"If you like the rubber vomit

placed outside
Sister Mary's

math class, then
you're going to love

the comic stylings of Jordan
'Pull My Finger' Tompkins!"

I told you.
You didn't.

Yeah, you know I did.

I don't understand that.

Hey, how you all doing?

Um... you know
what I don't get?

How come there's never any
gloves in the glove compartment?

I don't get it.

(Wanda laughing)

Oh, thank you.
So kind...

And what about

tater tots-- I mean,

what part of the tater
are those things from, huh?

I don't get it.
That's funny.

What? This looks like
a young crowd, though.

I've got X-Men underwear
older than some of you.

(laughs):
You know...

Honey,
he's horrible.

You're the one
told him to do it.

Well, what do I know?
You're the professional.

What is this,
an audience or a picture?

I can't handle it no more.
I can't handle this.

(chuckles)

WOMAN:
You're not funny.

Uh... okay...
MAN: Bring back the bird calls!

Uh... have you ever noticed
when you're driving on the fr...

on the road, and you see
a white car with a blue door

or a red car with
a blue door...

but you never see a blue car
with no door?

(chuckles)
That's hilarious.

I don't get it!
BOY: You stink!

Uh...
MAN: STOP!

Do you get it?
WOMAN: Sit down.

Uh... knock-knock.
Who's there?

It's Bernie Mac
in the house.

Hey, how you doing?

(cheering)

Fathers, Sisters,
good evening.

I tell you something
I don't get.

Look at that: you got
Sister Mary Elizabeth,

Sister Mary Frances,

Sister Mary
Conners.

They got the same
name, they wear the same clothes,

and they're married
to the same man.

I tell you something else
I don't get, Jordan: confession.

Why do you all confess your sins
to the meanest man in school,

tell all your
business?

I just don't get it!
(laughter)

I don't get it.
And you never will.

Here's one confession for you,
Father Cronin--

I parked in your space.

(laughing)
I don't get it!

Exit stage left!

Hey, man, you handwriting
some new joke for your comedy,

'cause if you're serious
about it, I can give you some pointers.

What?! No!
I sucked eggs out there...

except for
the glove compartment joke.

That was a little too smart
for the room.

Okay.

Anyway, I'm going back
to studying for the regionals.

Comedy is hard.
It sure is.

But you make it look so easy.

You make spelling
look easy.

Baby, everybody got
their own gift, Jordan, you understand?

Yeah. The team kicked
Saint Angelo's butt.

Sanjay was on fire...
but he did get lucky.

He got the word "tandoori."

Sanjay...

Anyway, if you're
not busy tomorrow,

maybe you can
come down and...

I'll be down there
front and center, man.

Front and center.

Epiphany...

E-P-I-P-H-A-N-Y...

epiphany.

Polysyllabic...

MAN: Go ahead.
Well, this isn't exactly

the movie I set out to make,

but like the...
my teacher always says...

I don't know what she says.

( laughing)

MAN:
Still rolling.

It's been so long.
Yeah, yeah.

Jordan, Jordan...
Jordan...

You all right?

I'm fine!

(laughing)

I just slipped.

I got one more
knee bend in me.

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