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1
00:00:18,144 --> 00:00:22,514
Saturday. America,
my favorite day of the week.
2
00:00:22,589 --> 00:00:24,009
Always has been.
3
00:00:24,091 --> 00:00:25,941
Remember how much fun
we had as kids?
4
00:00:26,018 --> 00:00:30,308
(chuckling) Oh, man,
we played baseball, broom ball, stickball,
5
00:00:30,388 --> 00:00:34,858
stoop ball, punch ball, kick the
can, anything and everything.
6
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:36,395
You know, we got married
on Saturday.
7
00:00:36,478 --> 00:00:39,528
There's so many good things
to do on Saturday.
8
00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:43,446
By the way,
I was born on a Saturday. (chuckles)
9
00:00:43,527 --> 00:00:47,367
There's always something to do,
America, on Saturdays.
10
00:00:47,447 --> 00:00:49,867
♪ It's a beautiful morning ♪
11
00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:53,000
Bernie Mac log,7:00 a.m.
12
00:00:53,012 --> 00:00:55,552
On my way to play golf,that's right.
13
00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:58,632
I mean, I'm startingmy Saturday off right.
14
00:00:58,642 --> 00:01:01,972
You know, thisis the best part of the day.
15
00:01:02,045 --> 00:01:04,675
And look at Wandastill sleeping.
16
00:01:04,756 --> 00:01:07,056
So peaceful, though.
17
00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:09,284
How could sucha beautiful woman
18
00:01:09,353 --> 00:01:11,733
look so damn badin the morning?
19
00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,229
♪ You've got the time ♪
20
00:01:13,306 --> 00:01:16,976
♪ It's your chanceto wake up and plan ♪
21
00:01:17,060 --> 00:01:18,820
Hey, Jordan.
(snoring)
22
00:01:18,895 --> 00:01:20,525
Jordan.
23
00:01:20,605 --> 00:01:23,275
Come hit some golf
balls with your Uncle, man, come on.
24
00:01:23,358 --> 00:01:25,868
I'll let you aim at
the tractor guy in the cage.
25
00:01:25,944 --> 00:01:28,384
(snoring)
Lazy...
26
00:01:30,365 --> 00:01:33,245
♪ So long ♪
27
00:01:33,326 --> 00:01:37,086
♪ I've got to beon my way now ♪ Figures.
28
00:01:37,164 --> 00:01:39,424
♪ Ain't no funjust hanging around ♪
29
00:01:39,499 --> 00:01:42,179
CARTOON CHARACTER (on TV)
Mm-hmm. What've we got here?
30
00:01:42,252 --> 00:01:43,232
♪ I've got to cover ground ♪
31
00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:44,563
Good morning, baby girl.
32
00:01:46,298 --> 00:01:48,098
I said, "Good morning,
baby girl."
33
00:01:48,175 --> 00:01:50,315
Shh. I can't hear,
Uncle Bernie.
34
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,822
Wasting a beautiful morning.
35
00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:06,284
Mac man's log: 10:45 a.m.
36
00:02:06,359 --> 00:02:08,589
Still no sign of life.
37
00:02:10,256 --> 00:02:11,576
Good morning, Jordan.
38
00:02:11,656 --> 00:02:13,416
Uncle Bernie, you want
to see my eye snot?
39
00:02:13,491 --> 00:02:14,331
It's huge.
40
00:02:14,409 --> 00:02:15,919
Boy, it's 10:45
in the morning.
41
00:02:15,994 --> 00:02:17,594
You just been picking
your eye snot?
42
00:02:17,662 --> 00:02:18,592
Ow!
43
00:02:18,663 --> 00:02:20,223
Boy, you nasty.
44
00:02:21,249 --> 00:02:23,799
Hey, baby girl,
you still watching TV?
45
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:25,967
CARTOON CHARACTER (on TV)
Hey, it's the coppers!
46
00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:27,346
BERNIE: Baby girl...
47
00:02:27,431 --> 00:02:30,111
don't you want to go
outside and play today?
48
00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:32,324
(cartoon music playing
and gunfire)
49
00:02:37,432 --> 00:02:39,112
What the hell you
watching anyway?
50
00:02:39,184 --> 00:02:41,914
Shh! Uncle Bernie,
I can't hear.
51
00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:45,494
Can you believe this, America?
52
00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:47,985
What's wrong with
these doggone kids?
53
00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:50,198
Don't they know today
is Saturday?
54
00:02:50,278 --> 00:02:52,998
Where is their drive?
Their lust for life?
55
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,503
They've done absolutely nothing.
56
00:02:55,575 --> 00:02:57,125
Now I'm
going to ask you, America,
57
00:02:57,202 --> 00:02:59,292
how long can this go on?
58
00:02:59,371 --> 00:03:01,711
A person asleep can't catch
nothing but a dream.
59
00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:02,960
When I was...
60
00:03:03,041 --> 00:03:05,091
(whistles)
61
00:03:05,168 --> 00:03:06,348
♪ Yeah, I'm back ♪
62
00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:09,014
♪ I'm back ♪
63
00:03:09,089 --> 00:03:10,389
♪ Yes we are ♪
64
00:03:10,465 --> 00:03:11,925
♪ I'm back ♪
65
00:03:12,008 --> 00:03:14,178
♪ I'm back ♪
66
00:03:14,261 --> 00:03:15,941
♪ I'm back ♪
67
00:03:16,012 --> 00:03:18,402
♪ Get up off of that thing ♪
68
00:03:18,473 --> 00:03:20,023
♪ And danceuntil you feel better ♪
69
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,860
♪ Get up off of that thing ♪
70
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:24,275
♪ And dance till you--sing it now ♪
71
00:03:24,354 --> 00:03:26,204
♪ Get up off of that thing ♪
72
00:03:26,273 --> 00:03:28,163
♪ And dancetill you feel better ♪
73
00:03:28,233 --> 00:03:30,133
♪ Get up off of that thing ♪
74
00:03:30,202 --> 00:03:32,202
♪ Try to releasethat pressure ♪
75
00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:34,249
♪ Get up off of that thing ♪
76
00:03:34,331 --> 00:03:36,211
♪ And shaketill you feel better ♪
77
00:03:36,283 --> 00:03:38,173
♪ Get up off of that thing ♪
78
00:03:38,243 --> 00:03:40,043
♪ And shake till you--sing it now ♪
79
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,350
♪ Now get up there ♪♪ Get up off of that thing ♪
80
00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:43,512
♪ Shake till you feel better ♪
81
00:03:46,769 --> 00:03:48,139
(groans)
82
00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:49,930
We're having a family meeting.
83
00:03:50,005 --> 00:03:51,885
Get up!
84
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:54,055
I know that's right.
85
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:56,774
Put some clothes
on, Smallville.
86
00:03:56,779 --> 00:03:59,149
Their lazy days are over.
87
00:03:59,222 --> 00:04:01,622
Baby girl, come on, let's go.
88
00:04:01,692 --> 00:04:02,982
Hey!
89
00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:04,573
Don't make no sense.
Y'all lazy.
90
00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:07,454
Ain't no way I can sit
around the house... (mutters)
91
00:04:07,522 --> 00:04:09,702
Look at this.
You see this?
92
00:04:09,774 --> 00:04:10,994
This is outdoors.
93
00:04:11,067 --> 00:04:13,537
And look at that.
That's the sky.
94
00:04:13,611 --> 00:04:16,371
What's that there?
Grass.
95
00:04:16,382 --> 00:04:18,922
That's right,
kneel down and rub it.
96
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:20,042
Rub it.
97
00:04:20,118 --> 00:04:21,078
Get back over there.
98
00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:22,711
(inhales)
Ah.
99
00:04:22,787 --> 00:04:24,247
Smell this fresh air.
100
00:04:24,331 --> 00:04:25,881
Smell it!
(coughs)
101
00:04:25,957 --> 00:04:27,757
Yeah, hurt your chest.
You ain't used to it.
102
00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:29,844
That's right.
That's right, smell it.
103
00:04:29,919 --> 00:04:31,559
Look at the sun.
104
00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:33,048
Don't look right at
the sun, boy,
105
00:04:33,131 --> 00:04:34,401
it's just a figure of speech.
106
00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:36,024
With your coke-bottle glasses,
107
00:04:36,092 --> 00:04:37,892
man, it'd blow
your head right off.
108
00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:39,443
See, you kids got it too easy.
109
00:04:39,512 --> 00:04:41,522
You all been lazing
around here on Saturday.
110
00:04:41,598 --> 00:04:43,018
Some things gonna change.
111
00:04:43,099 --> 00:04:44,269
'Cause let me tell you
something,
112
00:04:44,351 --> 00:04:45,731
you keep this kind
of nonsense up,
113
00:04:45,810 --> 00:04:47,440
you're going to be
weighing 300 pounds.
114
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:48,660
And, baby girl,
believe me,
115
00:04:48,739 --> 00:04:51,359
you won't be lovable
at 300 pounds.
116
00:04:51,441 --> 00:04:54,121
But from now on,
it's going to change.
117
00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:56,204
Each and every one of you all
gonna takin' an activity
118
00:04:56,279 --> 00:04:57,479
on Saturday.
119
00:04:57,556 --> 00:04:59,306
That's right, you can
look sour all you want.
120
00:04:59,382 --> 00:05:02,632
From now on, you all are going
to learn how to seize the day
121
00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:05,172
and suck the marrow
out the bones of life.
122
00:05:05,246 --> 00:05:06,206
Can I put on my underwear?
123
00:05:06,289 --> 00:05:08,299
No, you can't do nothing...
124
00:05:08,375 --> 00:05:10,715
but dig the fresh air, nature.
125
00:05:10,794 --> 00:05:12,144
Nature!
126
00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:13,902
All right, listen up, family.
127
00:05:13,972 --> 00:05:16,062
I got some things I want
you all to look through.
128
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:18,306
Baby girl: soccer.
129
00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:19,925
That's going to be for you.
130
00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:21,365
Every Saturday morning,
131
00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,846
you're going
to be outside playing with girls
132
00:05:22,931 --> 00:05:25,981
and kids your size,
doing something that you love.
133
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:27,169
What you think about that?
134
00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:28,453
Good. Am I
going to wear a uniform?
135
00:05:28,528 --> 00:05:30,648
You sure do, sweetheart.
Yes, you do.
136
00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:32,820
Jordan, you find something
in there you like?
137
00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:34,199
Jazz dance.
138
00:05:34,275 --> 00:05:36,325
Give me that.
Give-Give me that.
139
00:05:36,403 --> 00:05:37,963
Junior Scouts is
going to be for you.
140
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,288
Scouts?! What for?
141
00:05:39,364 --> 00:05:41,464
Because it'll take the
jazz dance out of you
142
00:05:41,533 --> 00:05:42,923
and put a man inside you.
143
00:05:42,993 --> 00:05:44,573
Do you think that maybe you
might be overdoing it?
144
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:47,495
I mean, you know,
parents are always overscheduling their kids.
145
00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:50,630
Sweetheart, why don't you
build a suggestion box and put that in there?
146
00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:53,472
Let that be your
activity, okay? I got this.
147
00:05:53,479 --> 00:05:55,969
Vanessa, you see something
in there you like?
148
00:05:56,047 --> 00:05:57,967
No, these are kind of wack.
149
00:05:57,983 --> 00:05:59,273
If you don't
pick something
150
00:05:59,351 --> 00:06:00,331
I'm going to whack
you upside your head.
151
00:06:00,410 --> 00:06:01,320
You either pick
something out of here
152
00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:03,095
or you find
yourself a job.
153
00:06:03,179 --> 00:06:04,239
I know one thing.
154
00:06:04,314 --> 00:06:05,904
Every Saturday morning,
155
00:06:05,974 --> 00:06:09,444
we're going to be up
bright and early having fun.
156
00:06:09,519 --> 00:06:11,449
Can you dig it?!
157
00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:14,569
This'll be
great for them, America.
158
00:06:14,649 --> 00:06:15,669
They're going to discover
159
00:06:15,742 --> 00:06:19,042
the joys of getting
out of the house.
160
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,292
Getting out of the house.
161
00:06:21,364 --> 00:06:23,964
America, I just thought
of something.
162
00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,457
The more I give them
to do on their own,
163
00:06:26,536 --> 00:06:28,386
the less I
have to do with them.
164
00:06:28,463 --> 00:06:30,513
Even when I go
to baby girl's soccer,
165
00:06:30,516 --> 00:06:32,016
it's not like
I'm playing or coaching.
166
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,302
I'm just a fan.
167
00:06:33,376 --> 00:06:35,336
I get to lounge in the sun.
168
00:06:35,420 --> 00:06:36,940
Maybe I should become
a Raider fan
169
00:06:37,013 --> 00:06:40,473
and start a fight
with another parent.
170
00:06:40,550 --> 00:06:41,980
Excuse me, America.
171
00:06:42,051 --> 00:06:46,021
I got to go practice
my long-range spitting.
172
00:06:46,097 --> 00:06:47,937
(spit pings in metal)
173
00:06:48,016 --> 00:06:50,226
That's about five,
five and a half feet.
174
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:52,610
♪ Saturday ♪
175
00:06:52,687 --> 00:06:54,527
♪ In the park ♪
176
00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:57,870
♪ I think itwas the Fourth of July ♪
177
00:06:58,818 --> 00:07:01,158
♪ People dancing ♪
178
00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:03,081
Good, baby girl, good,
that's it!
179
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:04,906
This is the life, huh?
180
00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:06,421
Yep. Everybody wins.
181
00:07:06,493 --> 00:07:07,703
(whistle blows)
182
00:07:07,778 --> 00:07:10,178
All right, all right,
parents, on your feet.
183
00:07:10,255 --> 00:07:11,885
Come on, let's
go, let's go.
184
00:07:14,209 --> 00:07:15,609
Now Little People Soccer
185
00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:17,432
takes a lot of big people
to make it work.
186
00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:18,394
If you're going
to be here,
187
00:07:18,463 --> 00:07:19,763
you're going to be busy.
188
00:07:19,839 --> 00:07:21,219
Now I'm sending
around a sheet.
189
00:07:21,299 --> 00:07:22,679
If you don't
sign up,
190
00:07:22,759 --> 00:07:24,149
I'll sign up for you.
191
00:07:24,227 --> 00:07:27,487
And trust me, you don't
want me to sign you up.
192
00:07:27,564 --> 00:07:29,614
All right, now we have
halftime refreshments,
193
00:07:29,682 --> 00:07:31,862
post-game refreshments,
first aid,
194
00:07:31,935 --> 00:07:34,185
refereeing, practice coach,
ball retriever,
195
00:07:34,270 --> 00:07:36,070
dog and goose
crap cleanup.
196
00:07:36,081 --> 00:07:37,531
Ooh!
197
00:07:37,607 --> 00:07:39,497
Nice kick, Montana.
198
00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:42,993
(spits)
199
00:07:43,005 --> 00:07:46,085
(spits)
I should've let those kids sleep.
200
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,470
(spits)
201
00:07:57,418 --> 00:07:58,938
Hey.
202
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,350
I got to do this for, you know,
the doggone soccer team.
203
00:08:01,422 --> 00:08:03,932
You know, cutting oranges
for all the little girls.
204
00:08:04,008 --> 00:08:05,728
You know, what did
I get into, America?
205
00:08:05,802 --> 00:08:07,312
Let me tell you something.
206
00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:09,227
Before, my Saturdays
were for me.
207
00:08:09,305 --> 00:08:11,685
Now I ain't got nothing against
supporting baby girl,
208
00:08:11,766 --> 00:08:14,026
but Bernie Mac didn't want
to become some doggone
209
00:08:14,102 --> 00:08:16,572
refreshment-bringing,
crap-cleaning,
210
00:08:16,646 --> 00:08:18,776
net-hanging, soccer mom flunky.
211
00:08:18,856 --> 00:08:20,986
This don't make
no doggone sense.
212
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:23,327
Baby girl, quit scuffing
my floor with your cleats.
213
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:24,703
What are those?
214
00:08:24,779 --> 00:08:26,749
Shin guards.
They protect my shins.
215
00:08:26,757 --> 00:08:28,327
Really?
Ow! Ow!
216
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:29,688
Uncle Bernie!
217
00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:30,745
Come on, quit fooling around,
get in the car.
218
00:08:30,827 --> 00:08:32,587
I got to take you to soccer.
Come on now.
219
00:08:32,662 --> 00:08:33,552
What about
my scout meet?
220
00:08:33,621 --> 00:08:34,761
You went last night.
221
00:08:34,839 --> 00:08:36,139
That was just
orientation.
222
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:37,536
For six hours?
223
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,508
Hey, you want to hang in
your cape and drawers today?
224
00:08:39,586 --> 00:08:41,636
Really?
No, no, no, no, hold on, hold on.
225
00:08:41,647 --> 00:08:43,687
Baby girl,
I'll be right back. No.
226
00:08:44,849 --> 00:08:47,769
Hey, Nessa, you find
an activity yet?
227
00:08:47,844 --> 00:08:49,734
No, but I'm working on
a couple of leads.
228
00:08:49,804 --> 00:08:51,524
Working on
a couple of leads?
229
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:53,608
Yeah, a couple
of strong leads.
230
00:08:53,683 --> 00:08:55,363
Nessa....
231
00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:57,855
Wanda!
232
00:08:57,937 --> 00:08:58,787
Oh.
233
00:09:00,732 --> 00:09:01,742
Hey, baby.
Ooh.
234
00:09:01,816 --> 00:09:03,556
Come here, I need you to
do me a favor.
235
00:09:03,635 --> 00:09:05,155
Why don't you
take care of Jordan and the scouts for me?
236
00:09:05,236 --> 00:09:08,286
Oh, you gave up
your Saturday, Bernie. This is my Saturday.
237
00:09:08,364 --> 00:09:10,164
Come-come on, now,
I ain't got no time for debate.
238
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:11,495
Baby girl, I gotta
take her to soccer.
239
00:09:11,576 --> 00:09:13,426
I warned you about
overscheduling those kids.
240
00:09:13,503 --> 00:09:15,303
The clock is ticking.
Come on, just do this for me.
241
00:09:15,371 --> 00:09:16,601
We're supposed
to be a team.
242
00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:18,803
Should I put that
in my suggestion box?
243
00:09:18,875 --> 00:09:20,755
Come on, baby, I ain't
got no doggone time
244
00:09:20,835 --> 00:09:21,795
for an "I told you so."
245
00:09:21,878 --> 00:09:22,938
I'm on goose duty.
246
00:09:23,013 --> 00:09:24,643
Well, then maybe
you should ask me
247
00:09:24,714 --> 00:09:25,814
a little bit better
than that.
248
00:09:25,882 --> 00:09:27,972
(softer)
Come on, please?
249
00:09:28,051 --> 00:09:29,681
All right,
where I got to take them?
250
00:09:29,695 --> 00:09:31,215
You ain't got to
take them nowhere.
251
00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:32,726
Last night,
somebody signed me up for "den mama."
252
00:09:32,805 --> 00:09:33,695
Thank you, baby,
thank you.
253
00:09:33,773 --> 00:09:34,993
Den mama?
Yeah.
254
00:09:46,194 --> 00:09:47,364
Okay.
255
00:09:47,437 --> 00:09:49,247
The first thing we'll do
is learn first aid.
256
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:50,456
Why?
257
00:09:50,540 --> 00:09:52,670
In case anything happens.
258
00:09:52,742 --> 00:09:54,712
Shouldn't we first
learn how to gut a man
259
00:09:54,786 --> 00:09:55,956
and then learn
how to fix it?
260
00:09:56,037 --> 00:09:57,207
Yeah!
(shouting agreement)
261
00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:58,632
No.
262
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,670
No. No!
263
00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:03,010
Okay, come on, this'll be fun.
264
00:10:03,086 --> 00:10:06,756
We'll start by talking
about poison ivy.
265
00:10:06,839 --> 00:10:09,479
What about poisonous
snake bites?
266
00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:10,729
Yeah! Snakebites...
(shouting agreement)
267
00:10:10,802 --> 00:10:12,742
We'll get into snakebites later.
268
00:10:12,812 --> 00:10:14,992
How many snakebites
does it take to kill a man?
269
00:10:15,065 --> 00:10:16,645
I'm not sure.
270
00:10:16,724 --> 00:10:18,364
It depends on
the snake. Hey.
271
00:10:18,434 --> 00:10:20,444
(curt chuckle)
We're not talking about snakebites.
272
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,030
(groans)
273
00:10:22,039 --> 00:10:23,359
Hey...
274
00:10:23,439 --> 00:10:24,239
can you fix...?
275
00:10:24,315 --> 00:10:26,155
Is this about snakes?
276
00:10:26,234 --> 00:10:28,164
No.
277
00:10:28,236 --> 00:10:29,326
Okay.
278
00:10:29,404 --> 00:10:32,164
Can you use maggots
to fix a snakebite?
279
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:33,290
BOYS:
Yeah!
280
00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:34,256
(talking animatedly)
281
00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:39,460
Mm.
282
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:40,379
Thank you.
283
00:10:40,456 --> 00:10:41,756
Bernie.
284
00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:43,587
Hey.
Am I glad you're here.
285
00:10:43,668 --> 00:10:45,678
The dad who was supposed
to assistant coach
286
00:10:45,753 --> 00:10:47,313
didn't show up today.
Dirty.
287
00:10:47,389 --> 00:10:50,179
Some parents actually
just drop their kids off. You believe that?
288
00:10:50,192 --> 00:10:52,022
MAN: Go, go, go out there!
Have fun! I'll be back in an hour.
289
00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:54,687
WOMAN: Get in the car!
Get in the car!
290
00:10:54,762 --> 00:10:56,522
Hey, hey! Hey, hey!
No, no.
291
00:10:56,597 --> 00:10:57,857
Let them go, Bernie.
292
00:10:57,932 --> 00:10:58,902
We don't want
their kind here.
293
00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:00,649
Yes, we do.
All right...
294
00:11:00,727 --> 00:11:01,897
first thing I need
for you to do
295
00:11:01,978 --> 00:11:03,238
is practice
our kicks on goal.
296
00:11:03,312 --> 00:11:04,452
What?
297
00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:05,461
I'm doing oranges.
298
00:11:11,988 --> 00:11:13,508
(whistle blows)
WOMAN: ...water!
299
00:11:16,868 --> 00:11:17,998
You better go get your daddy.
300
00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:21,087
Come on, get-- get some!
(laughs)
301
00:11:21,164 --> 00:11:22,864
WOMAN: Just stay here
with the car!
302
00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:24,586
Better come on with it.
You best get your daddy. (whistle blows)
303
00:11:24,667 --> 00:11:27,087
Bernie, you might
want to let the girls get one or two in.
304
00:11:27,170 --> 00:11:28,940
I'm not going to
let them a dog...
305
00:11:30,181 --> 00:11:31,861
(girls laughing)
They got two.
306
00:11:32,818 --> 00:11:34,108
(clears throat)
307
00:11:34,185 --> 00:11:35,555
BOY: Oh!
308
00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:36,890
If we're stuck
in the wilderness
309
00:11:36,971 --> 00:11:38,771
and we have to
eat each other,
310
00:11:38,848 --> 00:11:40,398
do we have to eat
the butt?
311
00:11:40,475 --> 00:11:41,725
Ugh!
312
00:11:41,809 --> 00:11:45,109
(talking animatedly)
313
00:11:45,188 --> 00:11:46,118
Ugh!
314
00:11:47,690 --> 00:11:49,120
Shut up!
315
00:11:49,192 --> 00:11:51,132
(talking stops)
316
00:11:58,743 --> 00:12:00,843
Wouldn't it suck
if we did eat the butt,
317
00:12:00,912 --> 00:12:03,302
and then we were found,
like, a hour later?
318
00:12:03,372 --> 00:12:04,462
Oh!
319
00:12:04,540 --> 00:12:05,760
(talking starts)
320
00:12:05,833 --> 00:12:07,803
I mean,
he's got a point.
321
00:12:07,877 --> 00:12:11,467
Yeah... that would suck.
322
00:12:11,547 --> 00:12:14,137
Oh. Ooh.
323
00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:15,361
(grunts)
324
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:17,015
Look here, Mr. Coach Man,
I can't do it no more.
325
00:12:17,094 --> 00:12:18,314
You saw
what happened, man.
326
00:12:18,155 --> 00:12:19,805
Another one of those
urchins hit me again,
327
00:12:19,889 --> 00:12:20,899
I declare before the Lord...
328
00:12:20,973 --> 00:12:22,313
Not a problem, Bernie.
329
00:12:22,384 --> 00:12:24,574
Why don't you
take a break from coaching, huh?
330
00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:27,154
Thank you, Coach,
I appreciate that.
331
00:12:27,230 --> 00:12:28,990
Huh! You could
help us out by refereeing
332
00:12:29,065 --> 00:12:30,275
the rest
of the scrimmage.
333
00:12:30,358 --> 00:12:31,738
Refereeing?
Yeah.
334
00:12:31,818 --> 00:12:32,878
But I don't know the rules.
335
00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:34,452
Just keep 'em
from bunching.
336
00:12:34,529 --> 00:12:35,829
What's bunching?
337
00:12:35,905 --> 00:12:37,065
When they run
after the ball
338
00:12:37,148 --> 00:12:38,828
at the same time
in a bunch... Uh-huh?
339
00:12:38,908 --> 00:12:41,038
it's called bunching.
340
00:12:41,118 --> 00:12:42,628
(blows whistle)
Bunching.
341
00:12:42,637 --> 00:12:44,457
What kind of bull...?
342
00:12:44,539 --> 00:12:46,629
Look, America, I didn't
sign up for this crap.
343
00:12:46,707 --> 00:12:48,217
Look at me.
344
00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:50,013
Look like I should be
working at Foot Locker.
345
00:12:50,086 --> 00:12:51,796
Bunching.
(sighs)
346
00:12:51,879 --> 00:12:52,949
(blows whistle)
347
00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:54,652
BERNIE: Good, come on.
No bunching.
348
00:12:54,724 --> 00:12:56,184
No bunching.
Spread out!
349
00:12:56,259 --> 00:12:58,269
Get off... get off her...
350
00:12:58,344 --> 00:12:59,564
Wait, wait...
(blows whistle)
351
00:12:59,637 --> 00:13:00,597
You're bunching.
352
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:01,520
I don't want
you to bunch.
353
00:13:01,597 --> 00:13:02,767
Spread out.
354
00:13:02,849 --> 00:13:04,159
Get off... get off her...
355
00:13:04,234 --> 00:13:05,854
Wait, wait...
(blows whistle)
356
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:08,777
(sighs) Listen, ladies,
let-- let me explain something to you.
357
00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:10,855
I truly don't believe
you all understand
358
00:13:10,940 --> 00:13:12,530
the concept
of bunching.
359
00:13:12,608 --> 00:13:14,238
See, right now
you're in a bunch.
360
00:13:14,318 --> 00:13:16,868
Out there, you're not
supposed to be in a bunch.
361
00:13:16,946 --> 00:13:19,496
I want you to stay where
you're supposed to be
362
00:13:19,574 --> 00:13:21,044
until the ball comes to you.
363
00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:22,881
For example--
you, you're my goalie.
364
00:13:22,952 --> 00:13:25,632
I want you to stay
by the goal.
365
00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:26,875
You're my forward.
366
00:13:26,956 --> 00:13:28,666
I want you to stay forward.
367
00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:30,683
Twins, you're
my halfbacks.
368
00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:32,835
So I want you
to stay half back.
369
00:13:32,854 --> 00:13:34,244
I don't want you to move.
370
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:37,813
I don't care if a butterfly
flies past your head--
371
00:13:37,884 --> 00:13:39,144
don't move.
372
00:13:39,218 --> 00:13:41,058
I don't care if
Barbie drives up
373
00:13:41,137 --> 00:13:43,317
in her pink convertible--
do not move.
374
00:13:43,398 --> 00:13:45,568
Stay where you're
supposed to be.
375
00:13:45,641 --> 00:13:46,901
Do you understand me?
376
00:13:46,976 --> 00:13:48,856
(ice cream truck
music playing)
377
00:13:48,936 --> 00:13:50,946
(all shouting)
Ice cream!
378
00:13:51,022 --> 00:13:52,582
(shouting continues)
379
00:13:54,984 --> 00:13:56,584
Bunch of dummies.
380
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:03,249
Okay, all right,
run, you little...
381
00:14:03,260 --> 00:14:04,720
"Ice cream!"
382
00:14:04,794 --> 00:14:08,504
Yeah, yeah, I hope
you choke on the stick.
383
00:14:08,581 --> 00:14:09,881
(sighs)
384
00:14:09,957 --> 00:14:12,727
All right, one more time,
385
00:14:12,802 --> 00:14:15,602
the rabbit comes out
of the hole...
386
00:14:15,671 --> 00:14:16,891
Wait, where's Mark?
387
00:14:16,964 --> 00:14:18,024
(laughing)
Oh...
388
00:14:19,058 --> 00:14:20,978
Oh, my!
(grunting)
389
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:24,030
Oh, you boys are so bad!
390
00:14:24,105 --> 00:14:26,725
You are so freakin' hot.
391
00:14:26,807 --> 00:14:27,937
Why you little...
392
00:14:28,017 --> 00:14:29,437
"Freakin' hot"?
393
00:14:29,518 --> 00:14:30,538
Bernie, "freakin' hot."
394
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:31,639
Um, baby, come on, now.
395
00:14:31,721 --> 00:14:33,401
No, I did not give up
my leisurely Saturdays
396
00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:35,451
so I could hear
some little monster...
397
00:14:35,524 --> 00:14:36,704
Baby, this-- this
ain't the right time.
398
00:14:36,776 --> 00:14:37,616
...tell me
I'm freakin' hot.
399
00:14:37,693 --> 00:14:39,953
Baby, Am-America. America.
400
00:14:40,029 --> 00:14:41,499
Oh, oops.
401
00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:42,826
Sorry.
402
00:14:42,907 --> 00:14:44,667
We'll talk.
403
00:14:46,911 --> 00:14:49,751
She is freakin' hot.
404
00:14:49,830 --> 00:14:51,220
I'm freakin' tired.
405
00:14:54,669 --> 00:14:56,889
Mmm...
(dog barking)
406
00:14:56,963 --> 00:14:58,143
Uncle Bernie,
guess what?
407
00:14:58,214 --> 00:15:00,014
I just got a job walking
neighborhood dogs.
408
00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:01,425
Isn't that great?
409
00:15:01,509 --> 00:15:02,769
(loud barking)
410
00:15:02,843 --> 00:15:04,643
Oh, don't worry.
He won't bite.
411
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,280
(barking)
412
00:15:10,851 --> 00:15:15,451
You know what, America?
See, my Saturday has gone to the dogs, as you can see.
413
00:15:15,523 --> 00:15:17,783
America, I want to let
you know something:
414
00:15:17,858 --> 00:15:21,078
they're stinky, they're messy
and they're nasty.
415
00:15:21,153 --> 00:15:23,123
And I'm talking about
the little girls.
416
00:15:23,197 --> 00:15:25,247
That's right, I said it.
417
00:15:25,324 --> 00:15:27,254
See, they say little girls
should be made
418
00:15:27,326 --> 00:15:29,536
of sugar and spice
and everything nice.
419
00:15:29,620 --> 00:15:31,130
Smokey said that.
420
00:15:31,205 --> 00:15:32,675
He's a damned liar.
421
00:15:32,757 --> 00:15:36,007
'Cause I'd rather be
around these dogs.
422
00:15:36,085 --> 00:15:39,465
It's like they were there
to torture me.
423
00:15:39,547 --> 00:15:42,677
Bernie, I can't
do it again.
424
00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:45,272
Baby, I know, I know.
425
00:15:45,344 --> 00:15:46,984
I got to try to trick
baby girl
426
00:15:47,054 --> 00:15:48,694
into quitting, you know.
427
00:15:48,764 --> 00:15:50,694
Maybe I'll tell her
she's allergic to grass.
428
00:15:50,766 --> 00:15:52,896
You know, she's cute,
but she ain't that bright.
429
00:15:52,977 --> 00:15:54,647
That's wrong.
(chuckling)
430
00:15:54,729 --> 00:15:55,619
(knocking)
431
00:15:56,564 --> 00:15:59,374
Uncle Bernie, can I quit soccer?
432
00:15:59,442 --> 00:16:00,782
Yes!
433
00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:04,200
♪ It'll bubble you clean,
it'll bubble you up... ♪
434
00:16:04,214 --> 00:16:05,744
Yeah... yeah, baby girl.
435
00:16:05,814 --> 00:16:07,964
You don't have
to play soccer if you don't like it.
436
00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:10,964
I like it,
but I just think we stink.
437
00:16:11,037 --> 00:16:12,717
What?
438
00:16:12,797 --> 00:16:13,797
You don't stink.
439
00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:16,313
But all we do is bunch.
440
00:16:18,553 --> 00:16:19,543
Oh...
441
00:16:21,130 --> 00:16:22,730
Are you going
to let her quit?
442
00:16:26,260 --> 00:16:29,060
No, I can't let her quit.
443
00:16:29,138 --> 00:16:29,978
(sighs)
444
00:16:30,056 --> 00:16:32,236
You can't either.
445
00:16:35,352 --> 00:16:36,242
(whistle blows)
446
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:37,400
Look here, girls.
447
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,290
I don't want to see you
in a bunch.
448
00:16:39,365 --> 00:16:41,235
I don't want to hear you
in a bunch.
449
00:16:41,317 --> 00:16:42,867
I want you all to play
like seven-year-olds.
450
00:16:42,943 --> 00:16:45,493
Now, I know what
you're thinking: How come we can't bunch?
451
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:47,501
Next time you find yourself
in a bunch, Megan, what do you do?
452
00:16:47,573 --> 00:16:49,013
Not bunch.
There you go.
453
00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:50,713
Next time you find yourself
want to bunch, Julia?
454
00:16:50,785 --> 00:16:52,295
Go to the open space!
455
00:16:52,378 --> 00:16:54,258
Good girl, Julia, good girl.
Twins, if you see the ball
456
00:16:54,338 --> 00:16:55,758
in front of the goal,
what do you do?
457
00:16:55,831 --> 00:16:56,961
Not bunch!
Not bunch!
458
00:16:57,041 --> 00:16:58,471
No, you kick the ball
in the goal!
459
00:16:58,542 --> 00:17:00,012
Trick question.
A little advanced.
460
00:17:00,086 --> 00:17:01,006
All right.
461
00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:02,011
What we going to do?
462
00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:03,048
ALL:
Win!
463
00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:04,064
How we going to do it?
464
00:17:04,131 --> 00:17:06,141
Find the open spaces!
465
00:17:06,217 --> 00:17:07,277
Which means what's what?
466
00:17:07,351 --> 00:17:09,041
ALL:
No bunching!
467
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:11,400
There you go, girls.
Everybody huddle up in here. Huddle up!
468
00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:12,726
No more bunching!
469
00:17:12,807 --> 00:17:13,727
Good, Number Six.
470
00:17:13,808 --> 00:17:14,958
Put your hand here.
471
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,484
Let me here you say,
"bump and grind."
472
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:17,800
ALL:
Bump and grind!
473
00:17:17,879 --> 00:17:19,579
Now go get them!
Let's get them! Let's go!
474
00:17:19,655 --> 00:17:21,735
(girls screaming)
Let's go.
475
00:17:21,816 --> 00:17:23,156
He's into it.
476
00:17:23,234 --> 00:17:24,834
I hear he's just an uncle.
477
00:17:24,902 --> 00:17:26,072
Oh, figures.
478
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:27,826
We ought to get him
to coach basketball.
479
00:17:27,905 --> 00:17:29,045
Yeah.
Mm...
480
00:17:29,123 --> 00:17:30,083
(grunting)
481
00:17:30,157 --> 00:17:31,957
BOY: Give me the bandana!
482
00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:32,918
(boys screaming)
(Wanda sighs)
483
00:17:32,993 --> 00:17:34,753
I'm-- give me the bandana!
484
00:17:34,829 --> 00:17:36,749
You understand me?!
Give it... WANDA: All right.
485
00:17:36,831 --> 00:17:39,761
I guess you guys don't
want to learn to make fire.
486
00:17:39,834 --> 00:17:40,564
Fire?
487
00:17:40,635 --> 00:17:41,805
Fire.
Fire.
488
00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:43,926
Fire?
489
00:17:44,004 --> 00:17:46,434
What we have here
is kindling,
490
00:17:46,507 --> 00:17:48,467
and these two are
my fire sticks.
491
00:17:48,551 --> 00:17:52,231
Shall I go on, or would you guys
like to keep playing?
492
00:17:52,304 --> 00:17:55,234
Anyone says another
word, no fire.
493
00:17:55,307 --> 00:17:57,227
Anyone asks
another silly question,
494
00:17:57,309 --> 00:17:58,899
no fire.
495
00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:00,028
And trust me,
496
00:18:00,104 --> 00:18:01,404
if you're ever
trapped in the wilderness
497
00:18:01,472 --> 00:18:03,752
and you have
to eat somebody's butt,
498
00:18:03,825 --> 00:18:04,875
then you're going
499
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:07,619
want to know
how to start a fire.
500
00:18:07,695 --> 00:18:09,495
So listen up.
501
00:18:09,572 --> 00:18:11,792
If you guys are good,
once we make the fire,
502
00:18:11,866 --> 00:18:14,286
then we can cook up
some hot dogs and some burgers
503
00:18:14,368 --> 00:18:15,968
on your homemade fire.
504
00:18:17,079 --> 00:18:18,349
Can we use...
505
00:18:18,423 --> 00:18:20,553
Ah! I hope that's
not a question.
506
00:18:20,624 --> 00:18:21,684
Shut up.
507
00:18:24,044 --> 00:18:25,814
(panting and growling)
508
00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:28,311
Okay, let's see.
509
00:18:28,382 --> 00:18:31,482
25, 50, um, and then,
510
00:18:31,486 --> 00:18:33,346
the big one's Lulu,
that's 200.
511
00:18:33,363 --> 00:18:35,733
(dogs whining)
512
00:18:35,806 --> 00:18:36,976
Don't bunch!
513
00:18:37,057 --> 00:18:38,067
Come over here.
514
00:18:38,142 --> 00:18:39,782
Look all this space,
baby girl.
515
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:41,072
Get...
516
00:18:41,145 --> 00:18:42,735
Right here.
Look, look, look.
517
00:18:42,813 --> 00:18:45,533
Girls, girls,
come over here.
518
00:18:45,608 --> 00:18:46,818
Girls!
519
00:18:46,901 --> 00:18:47,991
(sighs)
520
00:18:48,068 --> 00:18:51,078
(blowing)
521
00:18:51,155 --> 00:18:52,415
Come on...
(blowing)
522
00:18:54,617 --> 00:18:57,007
(sighs) Why don't
you guys start preparing the burgers.
523
00:18:57,086 --> 00:18:58,246
It'll be any second now.
524
00:18:58,329 --> 00:18:59,969
Yeah, yeah.
525
00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:03,715
Yeah...
526
00:19:05,044 --> 00:19:06,644
(dogs whimpering, barking)
527
00:19:06,721 --> 00:19:07,851
No!
528
00:19:07,922 --> 00:19:09,942
♪♪
529
00:19:16,347 --> 00:19:17,397
BERNIE: Come on, baby girl!
530
00:19:17,473 --> 00:19:18,983
Come on, come on, girl!
531
00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:21,228
(barking continues)
532
00:19:21,310 --> 00:19:23,740
♪ Let's leave today ♪
533
00:19:25,981 --> 00:19:28,171
♪ Let's get away ♪
534
00:19:28,242 --> 00:19:30,162
They're coming
for the burgers!
535
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:31,590
(boys shouting)
536
00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:35,870
(dogs barking)
537
00:19:35,950 --> 00:19:37,290
(gasps)
A spark!
538
00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:38,582
Did you see?
539
00:19:38,661 --> 00:19:39,621
I made fire!
(laughs)
540
00:19:39,696 --> 00:19:41,046
♪ So you say you tried ♪
541
00:19:41,121 --> 00:19:43,761
♪ But you just can'tfind the pleasure ♪
542
00:19:43,832 --> 00:19:44,882
♪ People around you ♪
543
00:19:44,959 --> 00:19:47,129
Ew!
♪ Givin' you pressure ♪
544
00:19:47,211 --> 00:19:51,891
♪ Tryin' to resist all the hurtthat's all around ya ♪
545
00:19:51,966 --> 00:19:53,266
BERNIE: Thatta girl!
546
00:19:53,342 --> 00:19:54,402
Go!
547
00:19:56,136 --> 00:19:56,976
Don't stop.
548
00:19:56,988 --> 00:19:58,348
What you stopping for?
549
00:19:58,430 --> 00:20:01,070
(screaming)
(dogs barking)
550
00:20:01,141 --> 00:20:03,321
♪♪
551
00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:05,278
(dogs barking,
boys shouting)
552
00:20:05,354 --> 00:20:06,754
Oh, my God!
553
00:20:13,153 --> 00:20:15,553
(growling)
554
00:20:18,492 --> 00:20:22,432
♪ Get away ♪
555
00:20:32,006 --> 00:20:33,636
Uncle Bernie, the beef!
556
00:20:33,716 --> 00:20:35,976
Oh! Jordan,
what're you doing?
557
00:20:36,051 --> 00:20:37,981
Get this meat
on the front of my...
558
00:20:38,053 --> 00:20:40,443
(growling)
559
00:20:40,514 --> 00:20:41,994
(barking, crunching)
(Bernie screams)
560
00:20:42,066 --> 00:20:44,106
(growling)
561
00:20:44,184 --> 00:20:45,284
(whimpers)
562
00:20:45,352 --> 00:20:46,622
(high pitched)
Yeah...
563
00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:49,276
...my Saturdays
are all gone, America.
564
00:20:49,356 --> 00:20:52,116
My Saturday nights, too.
565
00:20:52,192 --> 00:20:54,622
Be careful what you get into.
566
00:20:54,695 --> 00:20:57,195
Laziness is underrated.
567
00:20:57,281 --> 00:20:59,141
If you're lucky enough
to have kids
568
00:20:59,216 --> 00:21:03,956
who like to stare at holes
in the ceiling, let them stare.
569
00:21:04,038 --> 00:21:07,968
Lazy kids
make a very lazy Saturday,
570
00:21:08,042 --> 00:21:12,472
and there ain't nothing wrong
with that. Nothing!
571
00:21:12,546 --> 00:21:13,796
(sighs)
572
00:21:13,881 --> 00:21:15,981
I'm a big man.
573
00:21:25,017 --> 00:21:25,607
I'm a lot of...
574
00:21:25,684 --> 00:21:30,264
(laughing)
575
00:21:33,942 --> 00:21:37,122
I messed up, dawg.
I messed up.
576
00:21:37,196 --> 00:21:38,076
No, you got it.
Oh...
577
00:21:38,155 --> 00:21:38,995
That was it.
578
00:21:39,073 --> 00:21:40,463
You got
the whole thing. Aw...
579
00:21:40,174 --> 00:21:41,424
Let me do it again,
let me do it again.
580
00:21:41,426 --> 00:21:46,126
(laughing)
581
00:21:46,205 --> 00:21:47,205
Oh...
582
00:21:47,289 --> 00:21:48,549
That was it,
wasn't it?
583
00:21:48,624 --> 00:21:50,634
Let me do it
one more time, man.
584
00:21:50,709 --> 00:21:51,759
All right.
For safety.
585
00:21:51,835 --> 00:21:53,975
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
586
00:21:54,025 --> 00:21:58,575
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