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1
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:21,732
(imitating Alfred Hitchcock)
Hello, there, and good evening.
2
00:00:21,805 --> 00:00:24,005
(normal voice)
How y'all doing?
3
00:00:24,091 --> 00:00:25,851
Because I'm fine,
thanks for asking.
4
00:00:25,926 --> 00:00:29,016
Everything is going good
with the kids.
5
00:00:29,030 --> 00:00:31,520
Listen, I'm not going
to even front.
6
00:00:31,598 --> 00:00:33,108
Everything is great.
7
00:00:33,183 --> 00:00:36,033
I am the glue that holds
the family together.
8
00:00:36,103 --> 00:00:38,453
Y'all know the story.
9
00:00:38,522 --> 00:00:40,532
Y'all know about my sister,
had a little problem with drugs.
10
00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:43,367
I'm taking care of her kids
till she get herself together.
11
00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:45,703
Y'all know about it.
Ain't no big secret.
12
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:47,909
Now, I bet y'all thought
those crumb-snatchers
13
00:00:47,989 --> 00:00:49,539
was going to run
all over me by now.
14
00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:51,666
Well, you were wrong.
15
00:00:51,743 --> 00:00:53,843
What? You don't believe me?!
16
00:00:53,912 --> 00:00:56,002
Check it out.
17
00:00:56,081 --> 00:00:58,051
Stop looking at me
and check it out!
18
00:00:58,125 --> 00:01:00,045
Here you go, baby girl.
19
00:01:00,127 --> 00:01:01,637
Uncle Bernie,
where's my backpack?
20
00:01:01,711 --> 00:01:03,511
On the kitchen
table, son,
21
00:01:03,522 --> 00:01:06,852
and your lunch is
right next to it. I got you, I got you.
22
00:01:06,925 --> 00:01:08,775
Did you remember my apple?
23
00:01:08,852 --> 00:01:09,892
Baby, it's cut,
quartered,
24
00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:11,310
and Ziplocked,
right there.
25
00:01:11,388 --> 00:01:14,108
Uncle Bernie, you forgot
to refill my asthma medicine.
26
00:01:14,182 --> 00:01:15,942
Uh-uh--your ear
cream is inside, too.
27
00:01:16,017 --> 00:01:17,227
You got to apply it
twice a day.
28
00:01:17,310 --> 00:01:19,400
Aw, it smells funny.
29
00:01:19,479 --> 00:01:21,569
Ain't nobody going to
smell your ear, boy.
30
00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:23,028
Here, sweetie.
31
00:01:23,108 --> 00:01:24,828
It's pizza day.
32
00:01:24,901 --> 00:01:26,261
I'll need another dollar.
33
00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:29,376
It's taco day,
senorita-- taco day.
34
00:01:29,456 --> 00:01:30,746
(chuckling)
35
00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:32,584
Try to get the Mac man.
36
00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:35,629
Adios, amigos!
37
00:01:35,704 --> 00:01:37,304
I got this.
38
00:01:37,372 --> 00:01:39,342
-Hey, baby.
-Hey, baby.
39
00:01:39,416 --> 00:01:40,756
You want some breakfast?
40
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,724
Oh, honey,
I don't have time.
41
00:01:42,794 --> 00:01:45,434
Oh, I set up a play date
for Jordan this afternoon.
42
00:01:45,505 --> 00:01:46,545
A play date?
43
00:01:46,624 --> 00:01:49,774
Yeah. It's Cameron,
my senior VP's son.
44
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,233
Why are you
just now telling me?
45
00:01:51,303 --> 00:01:53,853
I'm sorry, baby.
I've just been so busy with work.
46
00:01:53,930 --> 00:01:55,990
You mess with my plans.
47
00:01:56,066 --> 00:01:57,766
Did you have
something planned?
48
00:01:57,851 --> 00:01:59,271
Yes, I had
something planned.
49
00:01:59,344 --> 00:02:00,944
I planned on
going with the flow,
50
00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:02,611
and a play date
messes with my flow,
51
00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:05,949
and you clogging up
my flow, you know?
52
00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:07,026
Oh.
53
00:02:07,110 --> 00:02:08,380
Oh.
54
00:02:08,453 --> 00:02:10,133
Just for me?
55
00:02:14,242 --> 00:02:16,462
It ain't that easy, baby.
56
00:02:16,536 --> 00:02:17,796
I know, baby.
57
00:02:22,918 --> 00:02:24,408
Jordan, I want
you and Cameron
58
00:02:24,486 --> 00:02:26,086
either to play
in your room or outside
59
00:02:26,171 --> 00:02:28,001
'cause I cleaned this
whole house up today,
60
00:02:28,082 --> 00:02:31,642
and I don't want y'all
running in and out like maniacs, okay?
61
00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:33,278
Okay.
62
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:36,313
Hi, Bernie. I'm Tracy,
and this is Cameron.
63
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:39,113
-Hi, Cameron.
-Get your finger out of your nose.
64
00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:40,568
(kids screaming)
65
00:02:40,644 --> 00:02:41,664
Hi, I'm Carrie.
66
00:02:41,737 --> 00:02:43,237
Allison, we do not
throw plums.
67
00:02:43,313 --> 00:02:45,783
That's Allison--she's mine--
and this is Joy,
68
00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:47,661
Brian, Randy,
Jeff and Teri.
69
00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:48,834
Oh, Lord.
70
00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:50,372
Brian and Joy belong to Renee.
71
00:02:50,445 --> 00:02:51,995
Inside voices!
Inside voices!
72
00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:53,792
Please tell me
you have Valium.
73
00:02:53,865 --> 00:02:55,075
Uh...
74
00:02:55,158 --> 00:02:56,998
Hi.
75
00:02:57,077 --> 00:02:59,337
Hi. Tracy, listen,
Wanda just told me
76
00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:01,842
that Cameron was
coming by hisself.
77
00:03:01,915 --> 00:03:04,335
Oh, no, no. I told Wanda
I was bringing the whole gang.
78
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,181
I'm really sorry.
79
00:03:06,253 --> 00:03:07,973
That's okay; she
just didn't tell me.
80
00:03:08,046 --> 00:03:09,096
That's all right.
81
00:03:09,172 --> 00:03:11,182
My husband does that to me
all the time.
82
00:03:11,258 --> 00:03:12,598
Did she at least tell you
83
00:03:12,676 --> 00:03:14,726
about the company picnic
this Saturday?
84
00:03:14,803 --> 00:03:16,693
Company picnic?
85
00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:18,953
Uh-huh--same thing.
86
00:03:21,643 --> 00:03:24,493
What am I going to do
with a house full of women?
87
00:03:24,562 --> 00:03:26,572
I'm a man!
Bernie Mac's a man's man!
88
00:03:26,648 --> 00:03:28,908
TRACY:
Oh, what a gorgeous crystal bowl!
89
00:03:28,984 --> 00:03:30,834
Hey! Don't touch...!
90
00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:32,196
I'll be right back.
91
00:03:32,213 --> 00:03:35,123
I love, love this house.
92
00:03:35,198 --> 00:03:37,708
Wanda's got such
impeccable taste.
93
00:03:37,784 --> 00:03:40,884
Actually, sweetheart,
I designed all of this.
94
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:42,174
What? Get out!
95
00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:43,571
No, no, I did, I did.
96
00:03:43,648 --> 00:03:45,668
I picked out the tile,
the cabinets,
97
00:03:45,750 --> 00:03:47,980
the whole nine yards--
everything.
98
00:03:48,053 --> 00:03:49,723
Ha-ha! I forgot
you're a comedian.
99
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:50,850
He's pulling our leg.
100
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:52,721
Ha-ha! "Picked out
the tile"--hilarious.
101
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:54,059
I'm serious!
102
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:55,564
Come here, come here,
look at this.
103
00:03:55,635 --> 00:03:56,975
You see this?
104
00:03:57,053 --> 00:03:59,023
I know a cat downtown,
about this high.
105
00:03:59,097 --> 00:04:01,057
This guy speaks
no English.
106
00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:02,861
You come in,
you show him what you got,
107
00:04:02,934 --> 00:04:04,204
he'll make it for you.
108
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:05,898
Designer look,
Target prices.
109
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,529
-No.
-No.
110
00:04:07,605 --> 00:04:09,565
Yeah, I'm serious,
and you know what, it gets better.
111
00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:11,069
Want to see
the rest of the house?
112
00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:12,871
-My God, yes.
-Come on.
113
00:04:12,944 --> 00:04:15,414
I just didn't want
boring terra cotta in here.
114
00:04:15,488 --> 00:04:18,368
I needed more color,
so I went with the Santa Fe feel.
115
00:04:18,384 --> 00:04:20,754
More old school
to offset the new school.
116
00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:22,997
My husband wouldn't
know terra cotta
117
00:04:23,079 --> 00:04:24,509
if it hit him
in the face.
118
00:04:24,589 --> 00:04:25,659
Wow!
119
00:04:25,741 --> 00:04:27,421
I used to draw
when I was a little boy.
120
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,930
Now, this room,
this is my favorite 'cause I like the colors.
121
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:33,467
I wanted something
real different; you know what I mean?
122
00:04:33,548 --> 00:04:35,268
Uncle Bernie, we need food!
123
00:04:35,342 --> 00:04:37,562
-Excuse me?
-Please?
124
00:04:37,635 --> 00:04:39,815
All right, I'll whip you cats up
something to eat.
125
00:04:39,896 --> 00:04:42,056
Oh, no, no. we'll feed the
kids when we get them home.
126
00:04:42,140 --> 00:04:43,310
No, no, it's no problem.
127
00:04:43,383 --> 00:04:44,273
Y'all like quesadillas?
128
00:04:44,351 --> 00:04:45,991
You're just going to
whip up quesadillas?
129
00:04:46,069 --> 00:04:48,069
I sure will.
130
00:04:48,146 --> 00:04:50,446
Uncle Bernie has
to give me soy cheese,
131
00:04:50,523 --> 00:04:52,913
because regular cheese
gives me diarrhea.
132
00:04:52,984 --> 00:04:55,544
Aw, that is
so thoughtful.
133
00:04:55,612 --> 00:04:57,322
No, actually,
I do it for myself.
134
00:04:57,298 --> 00:04:59,458
Baby girl, she's little,
but she's deadly.
135
00:04:59,532 --> 00:05:01,332
-(laughter)
-All right...
136
00:05:01,409 --> 00:05:02,919
Come on, ladies,
what you think?
137
00:05:02,994 --> 00:05:03,964
Fabulous.
138
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:05,837
It's really good.
139
00:05:05,848 --> 00:05:06,808
What's your secret?
140
00:05:06,882 --> 00:05:10,262
Well, it's an
old family recipe,
141
00:05:10,335 --> 00:05:13,255
and if I tell you,
I got to kill you.
142
00:05:13,338 --> 00:05:16,058
BERNIE: (laughing wildly)
143
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:21,600
Good afternoon, Vanessa.
144
00:05:21,679 --> 00:05:23,949
Hey.
145
00:05:25,767 --> 00:05:27,317
Teenagers--
146
00:05:27,394 --> 00:05:28,624
would it kill them
to be civil?
147
00:05:28,695 --> 00:05:30,035
I've got two,
148
00:05:29,955 --> 00:05:32,315
and I'll be honest,
sometimes I just want to...
149
00:05:32,399 --> 00:05:35,029
Bust their head till
the white meat shows.
150
00:05:35,110 --> 00:05:37,990
That's great!
Can I use that?
151
00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:39,381
You sure can.
152
00:05:39,456 --> 00:05:42,166
ALL: Bust their head
till the white meat shows.
153
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:43,472
Oh, yeah.
154
00:05:43,543 --> 00:05:45,843
If that don't work,
hit them in the throat.
155
00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:47,842
(laughing harder)
156
00:05:47,914 --> 00:05:50,224
No, don't really hit
them in the throat.
157
00:05:50,300 --> 00:05:51,840
Beat them in their sleep.
158
00:05:51,918 --> 00:05:54,678
(raucous laughter)
159
00:05:54,754 --> 00:05:55,684
Kick... pow!
160
00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:57,965
Kick them that
extra point. Good!
161
00:05:58,049 --> 00:05:59,679
(shrieking laughter)
162
00:05:59,759 --> 00:06:06,489
♪♪
163
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:10,856
Ladies, I just don't
know how to describe it.
164
00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:12,947
It was peace.
165
00:06:13,022 --> 00:06:16,282
I mean serene peace.
166
00:06:16,359 --> 00:06:19,329
My heart just
fell wide open.
167
00:06:19,404 --> 00:06:23,214
My soul was laid bare,
and ladies, I knew--
168
00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:26,293
I swear to God I knew--
169
00:06:26,369 --> 00:06:29,209
I found my wife.
170
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:31,889
I knew I was in love.
171
00:06:34,627 --> 00:06:36,047
-Another margarita?
-(sighs)
172
00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:38,559
-Yeah.
-No more.
173
00:06:38,631 --> 00:06:40,651
I'm having a great time
with y'all today.
174
00:06:40,725 --> 00:06:41,595
I really am.
175
00:06:41,676 --> 00:06:43,846
You wouldn't
believe my day!
176
00:06:43,928 --> 00:06:45,818
Oh, hey!
177
00:06:45,897 --> 00:06:48,057
You have got
the greatest husband.
178
00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:49,871
Really, he is
quite the man.
179
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,073
Thank you.
180
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:54,494
I know.
Baby, I'm famished.
181
00:06:54,564 --> 00:06:57,374
Oh, did I tell you
the whole gang was coming today?
182
00:06:57,442 --> 00:06:58,632
No kidding?
183
00:06:58,702 --> 00:07:00,332
Honey, if you weren't
going to cook,
184
00:07:00,403 --> 00:07:01,453
you should have called.
185
00:07:01,529 --> 00:07:03,079
I would have
picked something up.
186
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:06,076
Just like my husband.
187
00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:07,749
Later.
188
00:07:07,827 --> 00:07:08,917
See you.
189
00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:10,625
See you at the picnic.
190
00:07:10,705 --> 00:07:14,005
Honey, did I tell you
about the picnic?
191
00:07:14,083 --> 00:07:15,433
I don't know. Did you?
192
00:07:15,436 --> 00:07:18,386
Can we go?
193
00:07:18,463 --> 00:07:21,263
Drop it like it's hot.
194
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:24,611
-Can we still go?
-Yeah, I want to go.
195
00:07:30,141 --> 00:07:31,861
Oh, I see the guys
from my division.
196
00:07:31,935 --> 00:07:33,735
Honey, you sure
you got the kids?
197
00:07:33,811 --> 00:07:35,621
I got them--go ahead.
Do your thing.
198
00:07:35,697 --> 00:07:37,487
Tie your shoe up, son.
199
00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:39,369
Hey, there's Cameron!
200
00:07:39,442 --> 00:07:41,242
I'm going to go play.
201
00:07:41,253 --> 00:07:43,003
Go ahead, go ahead.
202
00:07:43,079 --> 00:07:45,619
Stay where
I can see you, Jordan!
203
00:07:45,698 --> 00:07:48,708
And don't go past
the trash can!
204
00:07:48,785 --> 00:07:50,785
And don't play
in the trash can!
205
00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:53,090
I need your keys.
I'm going to wait in the car.
206
00:07:53,164 --> 00:07:55,054
Oh, no, you're going
to stay right here,
207
00:07:55,124 --> 00:07:56,974
pretend you're
having a good time, baby.
208
00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:59,513
Hey, don't you
go to Baja Vista?
209
00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:01,261
All right,
I guess I'll stay.
210
00:08:01,339 --> 00:08:02,469
Yeah, all right.
211
00:08:02,549 --> 00:08:04,019
TRACY:
Hey, Bernie! Over here!
212
00:08:04,092 --> 00:08:05,322
Hey, hey!
213
00:08:05,393 --> 00:08:08,563
ALL:
Bust your head till the white meat shows!
214
00:08:08,638 --> 00:08:09,978
(laughter)
215
00:08:10,056 --> 00:08:13,016
Y'all been drinking without me?
216
00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:14,231
Thank you, baby.
217
00:08:14,310 --> 00:08:15,650
When are we
getting together again?
218
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,002
You make the call--
just give me notice,
219
00:08:17,072 --> 00:08:18,532
I'll send the kids
to the pound.
220
00:08:18,606 --> 00:08:19,736
Put them to sleep.
221
00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:21,570
Mm-mm,
that's your last one.
222
00:08:21,651 --> 00:08:23,331
You done had enough, girl.
223
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:24,293
I'll take that.
224
00:08:24,371 --> 00:08:25,541
Bernie! Hey, Tracy.
225
00:08:25,613 --> 00:08:27,413
-Hey, baby.
-Hey, how you doing?
226
00:08:27,490 --> 00:08:28,830
This is Marshall,
my boss.
227
00:08:28,908 --> 00:08:30,628
This is Greg,
I'm his boss,
228
00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:32,746
and David; we're up
for the same job.
229
00:08:32,829 --> 00:08:33,799
What's up, David?
230
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:34,920
So, I finally
get to meet
231
00:08:34,998 --> 00:08:36,418
the man behind
this great lady.
232
00:08:36,499 --> 00:08:39,969
Aw... I wouldn't say
behind nobody, man.
233
00:08:40,044 --> 00:08:42,014
I think me and her
are more side by side.
234
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:44,478
Now, if she want me
to get behind, I'll get behind.
235
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:45,648
Drop it like it's hot.
236
00:08:45,725 --> 00:08:46,845
Bernie, that's my boss.
237
00:08:46,926 --> 00:08:49,636
-Yeah.
-So, Bernie...
238
00:08:49,721 --> 00:08:51,821
I understand that
you're a stay-at-home dad.
239
00:08:51,898 --> 00:08:53,898
I have to tell you,
I really admire that.
240
00:08:53,975 --> 00:08:55,725
I ain't no stay-at-home dad.
241
00:08:55,810 --> 00:08:57,990
Now, my kids,
they stay-at-home kids,
242
00:08:58,062 --> 00:08:59,662
'cause I let them
stay at home, get it?
243
00:08:59,739 --> 00:09:01,409
(laughter)
244
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:05,536
I see. Yeah, Wanda told me
that you're a comedian.
245
00:09:05,612 --> 00:09:07,032
Well, I think
that's just great.
246
00:09:07,105 --> 00:09:09,205
You know, I wish my Tracy
had an outlet like that.
247
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,672
I don't really have an outlet;
I got a successful career.
248
00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:15,177
-Listen, you want to talk
about career, my friend? -Uh-huh.
249
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:18,585
Your wife is on
the fast track-- oh, yeah.
250
00:09:18,666 --> 00:09:20,616
If she keeps going
the way she's going,
251
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:23,184
you'll be able to
give up this whole stand-up comedy thing,
252
00:09:23,254 --> 00:09:25,474
and you know, stay home.
Be a stay-home dad, huh?
253
00:09:25,548 --> 00:09:27,468
(laughter)
254
00:09:27,550 --> 00:09:28,690
-You think so?
-Yeah!
255
00:09:28,768 --> 00:09:30,228
-You got it figured out?
-Sure!
256
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,203
You might be right,
you might be right.
257
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:33,862
Look, I'm going
to get me some beef.
258
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:35,230
Let y'all talk. Okay?
259
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:37,868
Stay-at-home dad,
right over there.
260
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:41,195
What's going on here, America?
261
00:09:41,272 --> 00:09:44,162
Bernie Mac ain't no
apron-wearing, stay-at-home,
262
00:09:44,233 --> 00:09:46,703
Betty Crocker-baking,
Susie homemaker...
263
00:09:46,778 --> 00:09:48,988
What the hell is this?
264
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:55,125
Who been eating Cheetos
in my chair?!
265
00:09:55,203 --> 00:09:57,223
I just cleaned
this whole doggone place...
266
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:59,257
Hold on, hold on,
hold on, now, hold on.
267
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:01,092
This don't make me
less of a man
268
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:03,427
because I like things neat
and tidy, America, no, it don't.
269
00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:05,763
Y'all getting the wrong
impression about Bernie Mac.
270
00:10:05,838 --> 00:10:07,258
Y'all not seeing the real me.
271
00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:09,930
Stop, Bryana, stop!
272
00:10:10,009 --> 00:10:11,979
Yeah, Mrs. Bailey gives
way too much homework.
273
00:10:12,053 --> 00:10:13,313
I know, and
why does she wear
274
00:10:13,322 --> 00:10:14,942
-the same blue dress
every day? -Yeah.
275
00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:17,694
Hey, are you going to go to
the '70s dance tomorrow night?
276
00:10:17,767 --> 00:10:19,067
I don't know, maybe.
277
00:10:19,143 --> 00:10:21,113
Come on,
you have to be there.
278
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:22,697
All right,
I'm going as Superfly.
279
00:10:22,772 --> 00:10:24,282
I got the hat,
the long coat, everything.
280
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:26,447
Who you coming as?
281
00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:27,946
It's a surprise.
282
00:10:28,027 --> 00:10:31,587
Surprise?
Okay. All right.
283
00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:33,615
I'll find you.
You are coming, right?
284
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,550
Yeah.
285
00:10:45,086 --> 00:10:46,256
It's not an outlet, man.
286
00:10:46,337 --> 00:10:48,137
He don't know nothing
about me, man.
287
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:50,224
People out here in L.A.,
they're crazy.
288
00:10:50,299 --> 00:10:51,719
Excuse me, Mr. Mac?
289
00:10:51,801 --> 00:10:52,941
Yes.
290
00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:54,639
I overheard you
talking to the guys,
291
00:10:54,721 --> 00:10:56,231
and I just want to say
thank you.
292
00:10:56,305 --> 00:10:57,935
For what?
293
00:10:57,949 --> 00:11:00,319
For sticking up for us
stay-at-home dads.
294
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:02,653
Those men over there,
they just don't get it.
295
00:11:02,729 --> 00:11:05,739
See, they go to offices,
but we go to work,
296
00:11:05,815 --> 00:11:07,735
and I'm not ashamed to say
I love my kids,
297
00:11:07,817 --> 00:11:10,537
my wife, my house, my garden,
298
00:11:10,611 --> 00:11:12,581
my arts and crafts.
299
00:11:12,655 --> 00:11:15,365
It doesn't make me
any less of a man.
300
00:11:15,450 --> 00:11:17,380
Hey, you want
to get together sometime?
301
00:11:17,452 --> 00:11:19,172
No.
302
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:20,495
Hell, no!
303
00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:22,920
Bernie Mac is 100% real man!
304
00:11:22,999 --> 00:11:25,219
Yes, sirree, Bob, baby.
305
00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:26,927
100% man!
306
00:11:27,003 --> 00:11:29,303
Smell the "tostesterone"
up in here.
307
00:11:29,380 --> 00:11:31,180
Smell it!
308
00:11:31,257 --> 00:11:32,887
I can smell it!
309
00:11:32,967 --> 00:11:34,677
And I can feel it, too!
310
00:11:34,761 --> 00:11:36,521
I can feel gum.
311
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:38,526
Who in the hell put gum...
312
00:11:38,606 --> 00:11:41,066
Somebody put gum
under my chair!
313
00:11:41,142 --> 00:11:43,572
I'm going to kill somebody
up in here, tonight!
314
00:11:43,644 --> 00:11:46,624
You watch!
315
00:11:48,733 --> 00:11:52,163
Jordan, I'm going to knock
the fire off this ball, man,
316
00:11:52,236 --> 00:11:54,446
and I want you to take off
running, you hear?
317
00:11:54,530 --> 00:11:55,710
You can do it,
you can do it.
318
00:11:55,782 --> 00:11:57,092
Yes, sir!
319
00:11:57,167 --> 00:11:59,077
Man coming up now!
You know that don't you.
320
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:00,040
Huh?!
321
00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:03,419
Hey, centerfield, get back!
322
00:12:03,432 --> 00:12:05,422
-Go Bernie.
-Get back!
323
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:07,430
Get all the way back!
324
00:12:07,502 --> 00:12:09,722
Keep on going,
the police will stop you.
325
00:12:09,796 --> 00:12:11,346
Pitching to a man, now!
326
00:12:11,422 --> 00:12:13,222
Yeah, come on!
327
00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:15,309
Come on up here!
328
00:12:15,384 --> 00:12:16,934
Son!
329
00:12:17,011 --> 00:12:18,941
Put the ball right here,
put the ball right here!
330
00:12:19,013 --> 00:12:20,613
-Right here!
-I'm trying, okay?!
331
00:12:20,681 --> 00:12:21,941
Try harder!
332
00:12:22,016 --> 00:12:23,686
Hey, ease up,
Bern, ease up!
333
00:12:23,768 --> 00:12:24,928
He ain't got
no business out there
334
00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:26,391
if he don't know
what he's doing!
335
00:12:26,471 --> 00:12:28,781
Tired of this.
Don't give me no foolishness.
336
00:12:28,856 --> 00:12:30,916
I'll show you.
There!
337
00:12:32,026 --> 00:12:33,166
(crowd cheering)
338
00:12:39,033 --> 00:12:41,343
(crowd booing)
339
00:12:51,462 --> 00:12:52,602
(yelling)
340
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,610
Safe!
341
00:12:59,011 --> 00:13:00,601
Get off me!
342
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,990
Boom, took him out, didn't I?
343
00:13:07,478 --> 00:13:09,648
I can't believe
how you acted out there.
344
00:13:09,730 --> 00:13:11,110
I work with those people.
345
00:13:11,190 --> 00:13:13,200
I can't believe you
going around telling people
346
00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:14,620
I'm some kind
of Martha Stewart.
347
00:13:14,694 --> 00:13:16,124
Martha Stewart?
348
00:13:16,195 --> 00:13:18,155
Oh, honey, she could
never do what you do.
349
00:13:18,239 --> 00:13:20,079
You are Martha
Stewart times ten.
350
00:13:20,157 --> 00:13:21,787
Oh, baby...
351
00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:23,748
I didn't mean
it like that.
352
00:13:23,828 --> 00:13:24,868
Where you going?
353
00:13:24,946 --> 00:13:26,956
You don't ask a man
where he going.
354
00:13:27,039 --> 00:13:28,269
Where you going?
355
00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:33,721
I love you.
356
00:13:33,796 --> 00:13:35,976
I got to find Bernie Mac.
357
00:13:36,057 --> 00:13:38,927
I got to get Bernie Mac back.
358
00:13:39,010 --> 00:13:41,390
I don't like what I've become.
359
00:13:41,470 --> 00:13:45,610
I need to go to the one place
where they understand me.
360
00:13:45,683 --> 00:13:46,823
Speak my language.
361
00:13:46,893 --> 00:13:51,073
WOMAN: (speaking Korean)
362
00:13:51,147 --> 00:13:53,067
I guess you're right.
363
00:13:53,149 --> 00:13:54,469
Sure I'm right.
364
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:57,542
You're a strong black
man, Bernie Mac.
365
00:13:57,612 --> 00:13:58,582
Damn right.
366
00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,218
Right, Papa Kim?
367
00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:02,458
Hmm. Bernie Mac
proud black man, too.
368
00:14:02,533 --> 00:14:03,763
Yeah.
369
00:14:05,870 --> 00:14:07,350
Yeah.
370
00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:09,920
Bernie Mac,
what you doing in a nail salon?
371
00:14:09,999 --> 00:14:11,569
Now, hold on, now.
372
00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:15,262
America, keeping your nails
and skin up is no woman thing.
373
00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:16,932
Not at all. Not at all.
374
00:14:17,006 --> 00:14:18,766
Now, let's not forget
375
00:14:18,850 --> 00:14:22,730
that Bernie Mac is a public
personality... An entertainer.
376
00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:24,187
It ain't just an outlet.
377
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:25,613
I have to look good.
378
00:14:25,681 --> 00:14:28,111
Got to keep my game
nice and tight.
379
00:14:28,184 --> 00:14:31,284
Bernie Mac don't wake up
looking like this.
380
00:14:31,288 --> 00:14:33,948
See, Mama Kim's
is where I relax.
381
00:14:34,023 --> 00:14:36,373
I've been going
to Mama Kim's for years.
382
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:39,622
They're like family...
like you and me, America.
383
00:14:39,695 --> 00:14:41,865
They help me focus
on my thoughts;
384
00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:43,788
see things more clearly.
385
00:14:43,866 --> 00:14:47,286
Oh, yeah... oh, yeah.
386
00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,214
Take care of myself.
387
00:14:49,288 --> 00:14:52,168
Mama Kim,
can I ask you a question?
388
00:14:52,249 --> 00:14:54,759
I don't know why Asian girls
are all into black men.
389
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,729
They like the bling-bling.
390
00:14:56,804 --> 00:14:58,104
No, no, no, no...
391
00:14:58,172 --> 00:15:00,142
Mama Kim, I want to know
392
00:15:00,216 --> 00:15:03,676
how can I get people
to see the real Bernie Mac?
393
00:15:03,761 --> 00:15:06,061
I mean Bernie Mac the man.
394
00:15:06,138 --> 00:15:07,308
Don't worry about other
people, Bernie Mac.
395
00:15:07,390 --> 00:15:08,690
Just be yourself.
396
00:15:08,766 --> 00:15:10,356
That's all you can do.
397
00:15:10,434 --> 00:15:12,654
Just be Bernie Mac.
398
00:15:12,728 --> 00:15:14,948
And they are right.
399
00:15:15,022 --> 00:15:16,892
Just be Bernie Mac.
400
00:15:16,966 --> 00:15:21,906
Doggone... and Bernie Mac ain't
going to be nobody's mama.
401
00:15:21,988 --> 00:15:24,208
That's for damn sure.
402
00:15:24,281 --> 00:15:26,671
(chuckles)
403
00:15:26,742 --> 00:15:28,172
Yeah... right.
404
00:15:28,244 --> 00:15:30,804
♪ This is a man's world ♪
405
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,340
(poker chips clicking)
406
00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:36,030
♪ This is a man's world ♪
407
00:15:39,588 --> 00:15:41,758
♪ But it wouldn't be nothing ♪
408
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:42,901
♪ Nothing... ♪
409
00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:44,096
Brother Bernie...
410
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,687
are you going to fold,
or what?
411
00:15:48,597 --> 00:15:49,557
Huh?
412
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,020
Fold?
413
00:15:52,101 --> 00:15:53,941
Hell, no. I ain't
going to fold
414
00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:56,030
or fluff or iron
or pre-wash.
415
00:15:56,105 --> 00:16:00,115
And I'm not going to
soak fine washables no more, either.
416
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,426
I'm tired.
417
00:16:01,511 --> 00:16:04,091
How about playing?
You going to play?
418
00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:06,623
Hey, man,
Bernie Mac don't play.
419
00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:09,459
Uncle Bernie, I need you
to put in my ear cream.
420
00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:11,285
Go ask Aunt Wanda, Jordan.
421
00:16:11,370 --> 00:16:12,680
She's still at the store.
422
00:16:12,755 --> 00:16:14,885
All right, come here.
423
00:16:16,625 --> 00:16:18,215
Which ear giving
you the problem?
424
00:16:18,294 --> 00:16:19,434
This one.
425
00:16:19,503 --> 00:16:20,593
Bye!
426
00:16:20,671 --> 00:16:22,391
Ow.
427
00:16:22,465 --> 00:16:23,175
Ow.
428
00:16:23,257 --> 00:16:24,147
Ow...
429
00:16:24,225 --> 00:16:25,435
I'm tired, man.
430
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:27,058
Every time I
turn around, man...
431
00:16:27,136 --> 00:16:28,936
Uncle Bernie,
I'm thirsty.
432
00:16:29,013 --> 00:16:31,063
Can you get me
something to drink?
433
00:16:31,140 --> 00:16:33,730
Baby girl, go in the kitchen
and pour yourself some juice.
434
00:16:33,809 --> 00:16:35,279
But I might spill it.
435
00:16:35,352 --> 00:16:37,612
If you spill,
you got a cleaning job to do.
436
00:16:37,688 --> 00:16:38,778
Now get. Go.
437
00:16:38,856 --> 00:16:39,966
Okay.
438
00:16:40,049 --> 00:16:42,489
Every time I turn around,
439
00:16:42,568 --> 00:16:44,228
the kids come asking me.
440
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:46,080
You know... I'm not
their mama, man.
441
00:16:46,155 --> 00:16:47,415
Uh, Bernie...
442
00:16:47,498 --> 00:16:49,748
What?
443
00:16:49,825 --> 00:16:51,105
What?
444
00:16:51,185 --> 00:16:52,245
I want to ask you
a question.
445
00:16:52,328 --> 00:16:54,248
No, you don't.
You want... Y'all hear that?
446
00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,054
Vanessa want to
ask me a question.
447
00:16:56,123 --> 00:16:57,093
Can you believe it?
448
00:16:57,166 --> 00:16:58,086
Never mind.
449
00:16:58,167 --> 00:16:59,467
No, no, no, no.
450
00:16:59,543 --> 00:17:01,223
'cause I want to hear this.
I want to hear it.
451
00:17:01,295 --> 00:17:02,595
Okay, do you...
452
00:17:02,671 --> 00:17:05,061
Do you think
this looks '70s?
453
00:17:05,132 --> 00:17:07,442
70 what?
454
00:17:07,518 --> 00:17:10,268
My costume for the '70s dance.
455
00:17:10,346 --> 00:17:13,266
Oh. Who you dressed as?
456
00:17:13,349 --> 00:17:15,069
It's stupid.
457
00:17:15,143 --> 00:17:18,153
I'm supposed to be Jackee
from That 70's Show.
458
00:17:18,229 --> 00:17:19,839
You know,
where she does the thing,
459
00:17:19,914 --> 00:17:22,454
and then she has the other
thing, and then the other thing,
460
00:17:22,525 --> 00:17:24,275
and, you know,
that thing?
461
00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:25,370
What '70s show?
462
00:17:25,444 --> 00:17:27,414
That 70's Show.
463
00:17:27,488 --> 00:17:29,378
Do you mean Jackee from 227?
464
00:17:29,457 --> 00:17:30,997
Wasn't that in the '80s?
465
00:17:31,075 --> 00:17:32,925
Yeah, that's in
the '80s. Yeah.
466
00:17:33,002 --> 00:17:34,422
I'm not even going to go.
467
00:17:34,495 --> 00:17:37,465
(all muttering)
468
00:17:37,548 --> 00:17:40,298
Man, I wasn't going
to say nothing, but that outfit was whack.
469
00:17:40,376 --> 00:17:41,796
You not going to help her out?
470
00:17:41,877 --> 00:17:43,467
No, I'm not going
to help her out.
471
00:17:43,546 --> 00:17:45,966
Vanessa already think she grown.
She on her own.
472
00:17:46,048 --> 00:17:48,308
I should help
her out, man; I ruled the '70s.
473
00:17:48,384 --> 00:17:50,314
W.B.:
What you mean, you ruled the '70s?
474
00:17:50,386 --> 00:17:53,016
Man, I put the "P" in P-funk.
475
00:17:53,097 --> 00:17:56,027
Hey, I should help
the girl out.
476
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:57,529
You put the pee
in your pajamas.
477
00:17:57,601 --> 00:17:59,191
You were four
in the '70s, man.
478
00:17:59,270 --> 00:18:00,660
I'll help her.
479
00:18:00,738 --> 00:18:02,318
Back in the day
I was the pop-lock king.
480
00:18:02,398 --> 00:18:04,618
She's needing advice
from the pro.
481
00:18:04,692 --> 00:18:07,032
Sit down, brother
man, sit back down.
482
00:18:07,111 --> 00:18:10,711
If anybody going to help
my niece, it's going to be me.
483
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,260
I ran the '70s.
484
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:14,833
I was the first one
to get up on the down stroke.
485
00:18:14,910 --> 00:18:18,220
I'm the one that told
Earth, Wind they need to pick up Fire.
486
00:18:18,297 --> 00:18:21,627
I talked to Kool
about getting the Gang.
487
00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:24,679
It was me who went
to James Brown about the J.B.
488
00:18:24,753 --> 00:18:25,973
You know,
'cause I was one of them, baby.
489
00:18:26,046 --> 00:18:29,096
-I was all up in there, boy.
-(doorbell rings)
490
00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:32,345
This is my house,
and I live here.
491
00:18:32,428 --> 00:18:34,308
VANESSA:
Tell them I'm not going.
492
00:18:34,388 --> 00:18:35,308
She's going.
493
00:18:35,389 --> 00:18:36,689
She'll be a few minutes.
494
00:18:36,765 --> 00:18:38,565
Come on. Come on.
You look pretty.
495
00:18:38,576 --> 00:18:40,026
Baby.
496
00:18:40,102 --> 00:18:42,822
Hey...
497
00:18:42,897 --> 00:18:44,457
Come on.
498
00:18:48,110 --> 00:18:49,740
Bernie, be nice.
499
00:18:49,820 --> 00:18:51,480
Be nice.
500
00:18:51,555 --> 00:18:55,875
♪ Sittin' here,eatin' my heart out waitin' ♪
501
00:18:55,951 --> 00:18:59,921
♪ Waitin' for some loverto call ♪
502
00:18:59,997 --> 00:19:04,007
♪ Dialed about a thousandnumbers lately ♪
503
00:19:04,084 --> 00:19:07,524
♪ Almost rang the phoneoff the wall ♪
504
00:19:07,597 --> 00:19:11,017
♪ Lookin' for some hot stuff,baby, this evenin' ♪
505
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:15,440
♪ I need some hot stuff,baby, tonight ♪
506
00:19:15,512 --> 00:19:19,442
♪ I want some hot stuff, baby,this evenin' ♪
507
00:19:19,516 --> 00:19:21,896
♪ Gotta have some hot stuff ♪
508
00:19:21,977 --> 00:19:24,107
♪ Gotta have some lovin'tonight ♪
509
00:19:24,188 --> 00:19:24,998
♪ Hot stuff ♪
510
00:19:27,358 --> 00:19:30,488
♪ I need hot stuff ♪
511
00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:33,839
♪ I want some hot stuff ♪
512
00:19:35,324 --> 00:19:39,924
♪ I need hot stuff ♪
513
00:19:39,995 --> 00:19:41,095
(instrumental break)
514
00:19:48,003 --> 00:19:51,103
(laughing and joking)
515
00:19:51,173 --> 00:19:52,473
Oh, there's Bernie.
516
00:19:52,549 --> 00:19:53,929
Hey, hey, hey.
517
00:19:54,009 --> 00:19:54,979
I got skills.
518
00:19:55,052 --> 00:19:56,322
Hold on. Hold on.
519
00:19:56,395 --> 00:19:58,515
Men, boys and girls,
520
00:19:58,597 --> 00:20:00,357
introducing...
521
00:20:00,441 --> 00:20:02,441
part of my heart...
522
00:20:02,518 --> 00:20:04,438
my niece, Coffee.
523
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:05,780
Come on, baby, come on.
524
00:20:05,854 --> 00:20:07,824
Come on, you look beautiful.
Come on.
525
00:20:07,898 --> 00:20:09,278
Come on, y'all,
look at this here.
526
00:20:09,358 --> 00:20:10,948
(cheers)
527
00:20:11,026 --> 00:20:12,576
KELLY:
Go on with your bad self, Foxy Mama.
528
00:20:12,653 --> 00:20:13,853
Look like a bag
of Skittles.
529
00:20:13,929 --> 00:20:16,289
Yeah, Mami, what your name?
What your name?
530
00:20:16,365 --> 00:20:17,365
WANDA:
I'm home!
531
00:20:17,449 --> 00:20:19,759
Aunt Wanda,
come here.
532
00:20:21,203 --> 00:20:22,963
Ooh, check
you out.
533
00:20:23,038 --> 00:20:25,798
Ah! Where'd you get
those boots, girl?
534
00:20:25,874 --> 00:20:26,894
He made them.
535
00:20:28,544 --> 00:20:30,064
Honey, you too much.
536
00:20:32,047 --> 00:20:33,357
I'm just being Bernie Mac.
537
00:20:33,432 --> 00:20:34,932
Yeah.
538
00:20:35,009 --> 00:20:36,269
-Let me see.
-Come on, guys, let's go.
539
00:20:36,343 --> 00:20:37,483
She look nice, man.
540
00:20:37,553 --> 00:20:38,813
Yeah, right on, brother.
541
00:20:38,887 --> 00:20:40,727
All right, gang, let's go!
542
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:43,566
Remember, ladies, pretty
is as pretty does.
543
00:20:43,642 --> 00:20:46,532
Bobby C. on Rerun, you
better watch yourself.
544
00:20:46,603 --> 00:20:49,373
Hey, hey, hey...
why don't you get a sweater?
545
00:20:49,448 --> 00:20:50,608
It might get cold.
546
00:20:50,625 --> 00:20:52,115
I'm good, I'm good.
547
00:20:52,192 --> 00:20:54,122
Sweetheart, sweetheart...
548
00:20:54,194 --> 00:20:57,834
remember, if you need anything,
Nessa, just call me, you hear?
549
00:20:57,906 --> 00:20:58,906
Okay.
550
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:00,121
Okay.
551
00:21:00,201 --> 00:21:01,631
Bernie Mac, you're
definitely the man.
552
00:21:01,711 --> 00:21:03,191
Oh, baby--
wait, wait, wait.
553
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:04,712
Vanessa, let me take
a picture right quick.
554
00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:06,012
Ooh, baby, I'll get it.
555
00:21:06,081 --> 00:21:07,291
All right, hurry up.
556
00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:08,336
Dang, he's worse
than my mother.
557
00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:09,551
I got your mama!
558
00:21:09,626 --> 00:21:11,116
I can't help it.
559
00:21:10,728 --> 00:21:13,388
It's just a part
of who Bernie Mac is.
560
00:21:13,464 --> 00:21:16,434
Doesn't mean Bernie Mac
isn't a strong man.
561
00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:19,392
What's important is
that I know who I am.
562
00:21:19,470 --> 00:21:21,560
Doesn't matter
what anybody think.
563
00:21:21,638 --> 00:21:23,108
You remember that.
564
00:21:23,182 --> 00:21:24,492
TRACY:
Bernie, come on.
565
00:21:24,567 --> 00:21:26,397
I made a fresh batch.
566
00:21:26,477 --> 00:21:28,397
I'll be right there.
567
00:21:28,479 --> 00:21:29,909
Excuse me.
568
00:21:31,357 --> 00:21:33,657
Still the man.
569
00:21:33,734 --> 00:21:34,704
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
570
00:21:34,777 --> 00:21:36,287
(laughing/cackling)
571
00:21:41,116 --> 00:21:44,586
Bernie Mac
is 100% real man, baby.
572
00:21:44,661 --> 00:21:47,131
Yes, sir, 100%.
573
00:21:47,206 --> 00:21:50,216
Can you smell the testa...
What is it?
574
00:21:50,292 --> 00:21:53,892
WOMAN: (yelling off camera)
-Testasterone, test...
575
00:21:53,962 --> 00:21:56,192
Testosterone.
576
00:21:59,277 --> 00:22:01,017
(laughing)
577
00:22:01,095 --> 00:22:03,805
Can you smell the testosterone
up in here?
578
00:22:03,889 --> 00:22:07,269
Smell it! Smell the testosterone
up in here.
579
00:22:07,351 --> 00:22:08,871
Smell like mendacity.
580
00:22:08,921 --> 00:22:13,471
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