All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S08E08.1080p.WEB.H264-STRONTiUM[eztv.re]-eng

- Lastly, on a personal note,

as many of you know,

Kevin and I
have recently reconciled.

- Noice.
Somebody's getting some.

- It's true. I am.
Now, when we originally wed,

we didn't know how long
gay marriage would be legal,

so we had a somewhat
rushed ceremony.

- Do you, Kevin--
- Yes.

- And do you--
- Yes. Yes, we do.

We're married.

Kevin has always regretted it,

so we're having
a vow renewal ceremony.

This time, we're pulling out
all the stops.

It's will be
a truly extravagant affair.

- Oh, how extravagant
are we talking?

Champagne pyramid?
- Destination wedding?

- Celebrity officiant?

- We got the salad forks.

Can you believe it,
a second fork?

Who do we think we are?
[laughs]

Oh, no. You're shocked
at how garish it is.

Now I don't even wanna tell you

the other surprise
I have in store for Kevin.

- Wait, let me guess.
You're getting bread plates?

- Don't be absurd.
We're not crazy.

No, the big surprise is...

I'm retiring from the NYPD.

- Wait.

- What?

- Why did you lead
with the salad forks?

[upbeat music]

♪

- You're leaving the NYPD?

- My preoccupation with my job

has been a point of contention
with Kevin for some time now.

I wanna show him that
our relationship comes first.

- But, sir, it's too soon
for you to retire.

We didn't even get to do
one final cool case together.

The last thing we worked

was finding that kid's
missing mitten.

- I thought that was rewarding
and poignant.

- It was boring as crap!

- What were you hoping for
otherwise?

- I'm so glad you asked.

We hunt down a serial killer,
stare death in the face,

and then in the final battle,
you save my life

and I say to you,
"How can I ever repay you?"

And you say,
"You already have."

Then you jump
on your motorcycle,

drive off,
never to be seen again.

- I don't have a motorcycle,
but Kevin and I

did just purchase
recumbent bicycles.

- [bleep] you, Captain Holt.

- Anyway, I already have

a cool final case
that I'm working on:

the police reform proposal
that Santiago and I

have been toiling over
for these past six months.

- Oh, my God,
I didn't even think about Amy.

She's gonna be devastated.

- Which is why I made sure she
wasn't here when I told you.

I need Santiago laser-focused
on this proposal.

We can tell her
after we turn the report in.

Hopefully, you can keep
the news to yourselves for now.

- Sir, she's my wife.
I can't lie to her.

- What about that time
you spent $1,000

on a Patrick Ewing Top Shot?

- That wasn't a lie.
I just didn't tell her.

But she's gonna be happy
about it, because that Top Shot

is currently worth--oh, no.

I will keep your secret
for $992.

- Deal.
- Great, let's lie to my wife.

[light music]

- Ah, hello.

Thank you for coming early
to help out.

There's a lot to do since we
decided to go so over the top.

I mean, look at the napkins.

We're going
with a pretty whimsical fold...

lengthwise.

- That is...funny.

- The intent was whimsy,
not humor.

Now you have me
doubting everything.

Where's--where's Raymond?

- You know what?
I'll go find him.

I got something
I wanna ask him anyway.

[indistinct chatter]

There you are.
Why are you hiding?

- Oh, I was just
looking at pornography.

I felt an urgent need to watch
some men taking a bath.

- What?

- Okay, fine, you caught me.
I was checking my email.

- And that's worse
than watching porn?

- Much worse.

Kevin can't know
I'm working on our special day.

But I just received an email
from my contact

at One Police Plaza
about our reform proposal.

- Ah, yeah, speaking of that,
now that the report is done,

can you please tell Amy
you're retiring?

I don't like lying to her.

- So then you told her
about the Top Shot?

- I didn't need to because
I traded it for an investment

in The Rock's
new cryptocurrency,

which is currently worth--

oh, no,
what happened to RockCoin?

- We can't tell her.
Things aren't settled.

The brass is having
a closed-door meeting today

about our reform proposal,
but apparently,

the union is gonna claim
that we fudged our numbers.

- That's crazy.

Amy would never fudge numbers.
She loves numbers.

Sometimes I think
she loves them more than me.

Stupid numbers,
think they're so great.

I'd love to see numbers
give you a baby.

- I'm gonna check those
CompStat numbers right now.

I'm just gonna click
on this video link entitled

"Handyman fixes squeaky door,
[bleep] customer."

- Oh, my God.

- What? This isn't correct.

Somebody changed these
since last night.

- Wait.

I bet O'Sullivan
hacked into the system.

Do you know what this means?

- They're trying to kill...
- Jake and Holt...

- Police reform.
- Have a final case.

Yep. Mm-hmm.

Two equally important
sets of stakes.

- He claims you messed
with the numbers?

That son of a bitch.

- I would never
fabricate numbers.

I love numbers.

- Numbers can't be a father
to your child, Amy.

- So what are we gonna do?
- I have a plan.

We can prove that O'Sullivan
changed the CompStat numbers

if we find this.
- What is that, a bed?

- No, that's a cheese grater.
- It's his computer.

Obviously, I should have had
Terry do the drawings.

Fortunately, I know how to find
his personal computer

thanks to his YouTube rants
about the NHL.

- This is "Islanders Talk,"

and today's topic:
can hockey have female fans?

- Yeah, he's not a good person.

Anyway, those videos
are taken in the "man cave"

in O'Sullivan's basement,

so that's gotta be
where his laptop is.

Holt and I will be infiltrating
his house and retrieving it.

- How are you gonna
get past him?

- He won't be home.

We're gonna lure him out
using his one weakness.

- Rare Billy Joel
memorabilia sale?

- Oh, that's nice, hear.
- Ah.

- O'Sullivan will meet
with an ex-roadie

named Geronimo Rodriguez,

who will actually be
an undercover Terry Jeffords,

our resident
Billy Joel superfan.

- It was one time.

You caught me lip-synching
to "Uptown Girl" one time.

- Nope, he's your favorite
singer; everybody knows it.

- And you're the only one

O'Sullivan
hasn't interacted with.

If he stumps you,
Santiago will be nearby,

feeding you Billy Joel facts
into your ear.

- You guys need
to keep him busy

and then use a piece
of fake memorabilia

to get a fingerprint we can use
to unlock his laptop.

- What am I doing?
- You, Charles, and Scully

will be here, distracting Kevin

and making sure
he doesn't know Holt's working.

- And who will be
on Cheddar duty?

- I mean, can't we just
distract him with a bone?

- Bone?

Bone?
- Yeah.

- [yelling] Bone?

Cheddar's not some street rat.

This is never gonna work.
- Yes, it will.

Just give me 90 minutes,
and I promise

I will get you back
in time for your vows.

- Fine, but if there are any
complications, I pull the plug.

The ceremony is too important.

Kevin cannot find out
what we're up to.

- He won't, I promise.

- Raymond?

What are you all doing in here?

- Peralta's watching porn.

- What?
- What?

- Peralta's watching a handyman

repair a squeaky door
and then [bleep] his customer.

- Is that true, Jake?

♪

- Yes.

- I wish I could say
I was surprised.

♪

- Told you
it was a great cover.

- Okay, if we wanna get past
O'Sullivan's ma,

we need undercover personas.

I'm thinking you will be
Maxwell Maxwell,

international playboy
and black ops specialist.

He'd had affairs
on every continent,

but his true mistress
is danger.

- I thought you learned
your lesson

about turning police work
into movies.

- Yeah, I did, but this
is a movie about reform.

I mean, isn't that a movie
you'd wanna see?

- The only movie I wanna see

is called
"The World of Mosses."

It's a documentary
about the world of mosses.

- It sounds bad.

- Now, we will go in dressed

as gas company employees
named Mitch and Henry.

- Ugh.
At least tell me I'm Henry.

Hello, ma'am.
We're from the gas company.

My name is...

Mitch.

- Okay, this is how we'll get
O'Sullivan's print:

fast-drying dental resin.

O'Sullivan touches this,

leaves an imprint,
and we have a mold,

Which we use to make
a fake finger that will fool

99% of biometric scanners.

Pretty sweet, right?
- I gotta say,

I thought Holt retiring would
crush your mood, but it hasn't.

- Wait.

Holt's retiring?
- You knew that.

He said he would tell you
when you handed in

your reform proposal,

and you handed it in,
and he told you.

- No, he didn't.

- Okay, well,
then I just told you.

But you're still
taking it well.

Amy?

Amy!
[cell phone chimes]

O'Sullivan just texted.

He'll be here in three.
You gotta hide!

Um...

I'm just gonna pick you up and
carry you like furniture, okay?

[funky music]

♪

- Look alive.
Kevin's on your six.

- Do you know where Raymond is?
- Yes, I do.

He's, um...

Come on, Scully.
Think of something.

- Think of something.
What does that mean?

[glass shatters]

- Cheddar did it.
- Cheddar, I know

you wanted us to go
with the other vase.

I have a different
aesthetic sense than you,

and it's my day.

Sorry you had to witness that.
I will get a broom.

- Scully, tail him.

Well, that should keep him busy
for a bit.

- That was smart,
but I don't think

we should mess with Cheddar
too much.

- Why not? He's an animal.

- Animals can be
very vengeful, Rosa.

- Is this about Lieutenant--
- Of course it's about

Lieutenant Peanut Butter.
- Yeah.

- So here's the shutoff
to the main line.

- Thank you very much, ma'am.

Okay, to get into the basement,

we're gonna have
to distract her,

so here's what I'm thinking.

Maxwell Maxwell
turns on the charm.

Unbutton your jumper and say,
"The thing about gas lines is,

"the pressure builds
and builds

and it just needs
a little...release."

[moans]

You don't have to make
that sound,

but if I were you,
I definitely would.

- No one will be talking
about release

or making the sound
of a rodent in labor.

- It was a sensuous moan,
but fair enough.

- We just have to get
the laptop

so I can get back to Kevin.

You will simply approach her
and say...

- Ma'am, I need to check your
water heater in the basement

to make sure there's no leaks
or blockages to the gas line.

- You should maybe come back
later when my son is home.

He's better at this stuff.

- Oh, it's just a quick check.

- The answer is no.

- Sorry about him.

He's a little abrasive.

The name is Maxwell Maxwell.

- Carol.

- You see, the thing
about gas lines is,

the pressure
just builds and builds.

Sometimes...it just needs
a little release.

[moans]

- Well, we wouldn't want that.

You can go down
to the basement now, Mitch.

- Yeah, sounds good.
Have fun, you two.

- Amy, look alive.
He's here.

- You the guy selling
the memorabilia?

- Oh, yeah.
- Where did you get this stuff?

- I used to haul amps for him.
- Yeah? Which tours?

- The, you know--

- Oh, Terry,
I'm not ready to say goodbye.

- I'm Not Ready
to Say Goodbye tour.

- Never heard of that one.
- You haven't? That's weird.

Maybe you just weren't
paying attention.

- Sorry.
I'm on Billy Joel's wiki now.

- I've done other tours too,
like...

- Innocent Man and The Bridge.

- Okay. What's in the box?

- An early draft of the lyrics
to "We Didn't Start the Fire."

- "Eisenhower, vaccine,
side salad, mixed greens."

What is this?

- Well, I guess, while he was
writing the song,

he must have accidently
included his lunch order.

Anyway, that's 10K.

- Oh.

What's the sticky stuff?
- Yes.

- I grabbed that out of
the trash in his dressing room.

It must be gum.
Look, I'm so sorry.

Just let me have that back.

- Ah-ah, not so fast.

This has been
in William Martin Joel's mouth.

His tongue touched this.

- Wait. What's happening?

- What's this, now?
- That is $10,000.

And I'm keeping the gum.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- A grown adult
with a man cave.

This is so embarrassing.

Oh, my God,
he has root beer on tap.

[breathes shakily]

♪

Okay, everything is all--

what am I looking at?

- Your friend here
was very clumsy

and he spilled on himself.

- Well, we got everything
we needed, but I can wait

if Maxwell needs
a little more time to dry off.

- No, no, no, I'm all dry now.
We can leave.

- Oh, wait, let me give you
my number.

I only have the landline,

so if my son, Frankie, answers,
hang up.

He gets a little jealous.

- Not to worry,
Mrs. O'Sullivan.

Maxwell Maxwell is nothing
if not discreet.

- Not discreet enough.

- Okay, look,
I don't know

what kind of freaky stuff
you guys are into,

but I want no part of it.

- Let's just try to stay calm.

I think you're making
a big mistake here.

- No, I'm not.
He called me Mrs. O'Sullivan.

That was my name
three marriages ago.

I'm Carol Shaughnessy now.

If he's calling me
Mrs. O'Sullivan,

it's 'cause he knows
who my son is

and you're up to something.

- Carol, baby.

- Don't "baby" me.
Get down in the basement.

- Well, I always like
going down.

- I said move.
I'm calling my son.

- Feel like she considered it.

- We're locked in.

If she gets in touch
with O'Sullivan, it's over.

- Wait. She said she doesn't
have a cell phone.

That means if we can
tie up her landline,

she can't call anyone.

- Hey, what did you do
with the phone?

- Smart, but we're still
trapped down here.

Does that smile mean
you know a way out?

- Hmm? Oh, no, I was just...

thinking about
how you were about

to hook up with that old lady.
[laughs]

[clears throat] But no, yeah,
we're totally screwed.

- [barking]
- That's odd.

He only barks like that when
he's worried about Raymond.

- Oh, Cheddar's not worried
about Holt.

I saw him eat a shrimp
off the platter earlier.

I bet he just wants more.

- Hmm, Cheddar doesn't usually
indulge in shrimp.

He considers it bougie.
Speaking of indulging,

the gray boutonniere
should've arrived by now, hmm.

- Oh, Lord.

- See?
Cheddar almost blew our cover.

I told you
not to mess with him.

- Charles, he smelled food
and he wanted to eat it.

He's a dog,
not a super villain.

- I don't know, he's really
staring you down right now.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Watch this.

[dramatic music]

♪

- [whines]

- Sucker.
- Hmm.

- Wait, wait!
I want that back.

I was only selling the lyrics.

If I knew about the gum,
I would've charged you more.

- Ah, a bunch of bunk.

You set a price, I hit the bid.
End of story.

- Terry, if we don't
get that fingerprint,

we won't be able
to open his laptop

and they'll kill
our reform program.

- Please!
I really need that gum.

- You can beg all you want.
A deal is a deal.

- Oh, God,
it's all falling apart.

Everything good in my life...
- Look, you don't understand

how special this is,
so you don't

deserve to have it.
- Happened when he showed up.

I mean, Jake is only...
- I can't even believe

you worked
for William Martin Joel...

- The mostly mature man
that he is because of Holt...

- And rummaged
through his trash.

- So he'll backslide, and then
our marriage will fall apart.

- So no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

- And our son will grow up
in a broken home.

- Oh, my God, enough!
You need to move on!

- Are you talking to me?
- You talking to me?

- Yeah, I'm talking to you.

You need to move on.

- From Captain Holt?
- From Billy Joel?

- It's not healthy to have
your entire identity

wrapped up in another person.

- I know, but Raymond Holt...
- I know, but Billy Joel...

both: Taught me everything.

- But look
what it's doing to you.

Just look at yourself
right now.

- I guess I am kind of
messing up this mission.

- I guess I could use the money

for the bank so they don't
take my ma's house.

- Thank you, Terry.

- Thank you,
Geronimo Rodriguez.

- All right, look,
all's not lost.

I have the laptop.
We just need to get in touch

with someone from the Nine-Nine
so they can get us out of here.

Give me your phone.
- I left it back at the venue

so Kevin couldn't track it
and know I was gone.

Use yours.
- Mine's dead.

I used up all the battery
mining for MetsCoin.

It's the first cryptocurrency
that is also the Mets?

I don't know what I'm doing
in this space.

- Use the landline.
Call Santiago.

- Great idea. Okay.

Just one problem.
I don't know her number.

- How can you not know
your own wife's phone number?

- It's saved in my phone.

Stupid smartphones,
making me so dumb

by giving me the world's
knowledge at my fingertips.

- Well, I don't know
anyone's phone number either,

except for Kevin's, and
obviously, we can't call him.

- How do you not know
a single phone number?

I've literally watched you
memorize the entire

terms and conditions agreement
for a credit card.

- True, but to make room
for important information

like that,
I regularly purge my brain

of useless facts
like phone numbers

or the names
of people's children.

- But you know
the name of my son, right?

- The little guy
has his mother's eyes.

- Yeah.

- Rough night
with the little guy?

Oh, hello there,
the little guy.

- How did I never see that?
Am I a bad detective?

- We don't have time
to go into that.

- It would've been much faster
to just say,

"No, you're great."
- Ah, what are we gonna do?

- All right, look,
there's one number

I still have memorized
that could help,

my middle school friend
Mikey J.'s old landline.

- Do you have any reason
to believe

that Mikey J.
still resides there?

- Well, we were in a ska band
together in high school,

so I'm thinking
the odds are good.

- Okay, here's your resin.
Do your magic.

- You're not gonna scold me
for almost ruining the mission?

- No, Amy, I get it.

But look, you don't need Holt
to succeed.

You are the most capable
person I know.

- Thanks, Terry.

Now, let's go get this mold
to Jake and Holt.

- What are you doing?

- I thought
you could carry me again.

It was very comforting.

- Okay.

- Thank you, Terry.
I love you.

- Have you seen Cheddar?

The officiant is wondering
how he'd like to be introduced.

- Uh, no. I haven't seen him.

- Hmm.
Cheddar.

- I have a bad feeling
about this.

Cheddar is up to something.

- Come on.
- [barking]

- Oh, no!
- Cheddar.

- Oh, hi, Kevin.
Found Cheddar.

- Oh, my God,
Raymond is on a case.

♪

- You sick son of a bitch.

- Come on, Mrs. Joseph.

I was at your house
all the time.

Remember, you caught us
wearing your bras

so we could practice
unclasping them?

Hello. Hello.

Ugh.
What?

You have no idea what it's like
taking bras off.

You had it so easy
growing up gay.

- The ceremony's
about to start

and O'Sullivan's about
to come home and catch us.

It seems the reform proposal
is as dead as my marriage.

- I'm sorry. It's all my fault.

I was so desperate for us

to have one last cool case
together

that I forced you into this.

- [sighs] No, Jake.

The truth is... I enjoyed it.

I had fun being
Maxwell Maxwell.

- Yes.
I knew it was a good idea.

- And I hate myself for it.

- Damn it.
I interjected too soon.

- It makes me scared that...
I'm not ready to retire,

no matter how much I want to
for Kevin's sake.

I mean, clearly,

there's a part of me
that still wants to work cases.

What if I'm making
the wrong choice?

- It's completely
understandable

that you would feel that way.

You've devoted
your whole life to this.

It's who you are.

But you're also
Kevin's husband.

- What would you do?
- [sighs]

I'm not sure.

But I know
that when things are hard,

I talk them through with Amy.

And just being with her,
looking into her eyes,

everything that seemed
so complicated

becomes simple.

And then... I just know.

[door bangs shut, footsteps]
- What's that?

- That's O'Sullivan.
He's coming home.

- NYPD.
Step away from the door.

- Wait, that voice.

- Neighbors reported
seeing two men enter

from an unmarked van,
then heard yelling.

- There's been
a misunderstanding, Officer.

- You are under arrest, punk.

- You jags are so screwed.

- [whispering] I love your hat.

- Kevin, I'm sorry.

I will never forgive myself
for working today.

I want you to know that this
will be my last assignment

for the NYPD.

I'm retiring.

- Well, that seems like
an extreme reaction.

- No, I want this--for us.

- That's not for us.

I never wanted you
to give up your career.

Putting our relationship first

doesn't mean you can't have
anything else in your life.

It just means prioritizing me
over stupid little stuff.

- Like returning lost mittens
to dumb kids.

- No, that actually sounds
quite rewarding.

- Really?

- This reform program
is not a little thing.

It could fundamentally
change the police.

I just wish you had told me

so I could've helped
from the start.

- I'm so sorry.

- Apology accepted.

Now, let's get that laptop
to One Police Plaza.

- No.

There's something
I need to do first.

- We are gathered here
to affirm the marriage

of Raymond Holt
and Kevin Cozner.

- We don't have to do this.

Everyone who's not family
has already gone home,

and we need to hurry.

- No, this is important.

Kevin Cozner...

when we first got married,

I thought of it primarily
as a legal contract,

which is why I memorized
the entire federal tax code

301.7701-18, definitions
pertaining to marriage.

- And yet he can't remember
Mac's name.

- But I finally learned
what marriage really is.

It's not something
you can memorize

or an equation
you can solve for.

It's the feeling you get

when you look
in your partner's eyes.

And that feeling
is all that matters.

[soft music]

Which is why I will now
purge tax code 301.7701-18

from my memory
so that I will have room

to remember this moment
forever.

♪

It's done.
- Oh, Raymond.

- Raymond Holt, do you promise
to continue to live

in this marriage
for richer or poorer,

through sickness
and in health

as long as you two both
shall live?

- I do.
- And, Kevin--

- Yes, yes,
we're still married.

We really have to go.

♪

- I've just come back
from One Police Plaza,

and I have some good news.

- The union voted
and O'Sullivan's out?

- No, he was reelected
for life,

which I didn't think
was technically possible.

But the good news is,
the commissioner has approved

our police reform program

and will be
implementing it citywide.

- Citywide?
- Wow!

- That's amazing.
- Yes, I know. It is exciting.

But there's no guarantee
that it'll work.

There's a lot of resistance
to change.

Nevertheless,
it's our duty to try

because if we don't,

then we are truly lost.

Which is why
I will not be retiring.

I have been appointed deputy
commissioner of police reform.

- Wow!
Congratulations, sir.

- Thank you, and since I don't
want work to consume my life

and this is a big job,
so I will need some help,

which is why I'd like
to bring you along, Santiago,

with a well-deserved promotion
to chief.

If you're interested.
- Wait, what?

I'm gonna be a chief?

- Terry, you might wanna
step aside,

'cause there's
a dork dance a-coming.

- Oh, damn.
- Whoo! Yes!

Gonna be a chief.

- We share a marital bed.

♪

[exhales heavily]
He's down.

- Good.

So...

what do you think
about this new job?

- I think you gotta take it.

I mean, first of all,
it's a huge promotion,

so cha-ching,
but more importantly,

it's the culmination
of all your hard work

and a chance
to make a real impact.

And also, cha-ching.

- What's with all
the cha-chings?

Oh, no.
You bought something dumb.

- No, I invested
in something dumb.

It's an NFT of Michelangelo
from the Ninja Turtles

eating pizza.

But not to worry,
because it is currently worth--

oh, no, what happened
to TurtleBucks?

- Jake, I'm serious.

I don't know
if I can do this job

and still be an equal parent.

I mean, who's gonna pick up Mac
on the odd days?

And who's gonna bathe him
on the even days?

And who's gonna do the cooking?
And who's gonna figure out--

- Ames, we'll figure
all that stuff out.

- How can you be so sure?

- I just know.

♪

- Not a doctor. Shh.