Original subtitles

Arliss: For most of us,

The dream of becoming a champion,

remains a fantasy.

But for a special few,

it is very much a reality.

We cheer them,

We live through them.

Athletes are our last warriors.

My job is to make their dreams come true.

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

♪ I don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪

♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ It happens to be true ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪

♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪

♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪

♪ No matter what you do ♪

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

Look at this.

I design this specially for Shaq.

Shaq?

A little small for his foot, isn't it?

What foot?

It's a pendant for a necklace.

Okay, listen to this...

"Arliss didn't wanna be late for this party,

so last night he fucked a rooster!"

(laughs)

"Oh, of course we all know Arliss is so cheap,

if he had to pay to take a shit, he'd vomit!"

(laughs)

Kirby those jokes are tasteless!

It's a roast.

It's a surprise birthday party.

At which occasion we will roast Arliss.

Anything goes at a roast.

Mm.

Wow!

Look at the size of that ring.

Huh! Imagine the finger that goes on.

No, no, no, it's not for a finger.

Umm...

We're looking for a watch.

This one.

Ten thousand. Ah!

How about this?

"Arliss Michaels' dick is so small

The mosquito didn't get off!"

Enough with the foul jokes!

How are you gettin' Arliss to the party?

I told Arliss my doctor found some abnormalities.

The results are inconclusive, but I'm worried,

so I need Arliss to help me get through Thursday night

before the spinal tap on Friday.

Very good, I'm almost touched.

(phone ringing)

I know when it comes to my health, he'll be there.

Hello.

Kirby, I gotta bail Thursday.

I'm having dinner with Marshall Faulk.

What?

I... I know you wanted to meet about something,

but, uh, we're talkin' the MVP of the NFL here.

Can you make it another night?

This is real serious.

Well then, it'll be serious on Friday.

Take care.

What?

Here are your meetings for the next three days.

Uh, circled phone calls need to be returned

immediately, and you can always reach me on my cell phone.

Wh... Wh... Where you going?

(sighs) I've been telling you for a month

I have to go home for a long weekend.

Home? Why are you going home?

It's my mother's birthday.

Tomorrow is my birthday.

Arliss, you don't own the day.

You, my mother, and Mussolini are all celebrating July 29th.

What's more important,

your family or my surprise party?

Your surpri... you know about it?

Of course I know about it.

I know everything that goes on here.

I even know what they're getting me for a present.

My dream watch,

An Aradin original.

I'm just not lettin' on.

Don't. Kirby and Stanley have been working

very hard at it.

And Marshall Faulk will love it even more.

Oh, don't tell me you're gonna try and sign Marshall Faulk

at your own surprise birthday party.

Absolutely!

When he sees how much people love me at my party,

he'll sign on the spot.

- (chuckles) - (phone ringing)

Arliss Michaels' office.

Rita, is Arliss there? It's urgent.

Uh-huh. Stanley, he says it's urgent.

Hello?

Arliss, I'm at the doctor's with Kirby.

The news isn't encouraging.

I think you should be with him tomorrow night.

Really?

Put the doctor on.

The what?

I wanna talk to the doctor.

(quietly) I love this.

I'll see you Monday.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...

Hello, hello.

This is doctor.

Yes, doctor, uh, Arliss Michaels here.

Uh, tell me, what is your professional diagnosis?

Uh...

His, uh... his stool is too soft.

He's been eatin' too much Viagra, doc.

Uh... y... yes, yes, sure,

Uh, to whom do I send my consultation bill to?

Give me that!

Arliss... listen,

I really wish you'd come to dinner with me.

Oh, now you got me concerned.

I mean, there's no telli"

what those test results will be Friday morning.

Exactly.

So have all your paperwork done Thursday night. Bye.

Huh-haaa!

My dream watch.

(flute playing)

( Snoring )

(clapping)

Aunt Rita, did you like it?

Oh, my little maestro, you've gotten so good.

Oh, sis, you must be so proud.

She's going on a field trip next week

with her youth orchestra to see the Philharmonic.

Wow, excellent!

(whispers) I got you something.

- Still a Mariners fan? - Wow.

I could get us some really great tickets

and we can go together.

Mariners game?

Oh, no, we don't have time for needless distractions.

Well, she might have fun.

If she's gonna get a scholarship,

she needs to focus on her playing.

But thanks for the offer.

(helium voice) Uh, shall we get Arliss a bunch of balloons,

or shall we just take the whole tank?

Look, just the balloons, we're tapped out

after spending 10 grand on a watch.

Ten grand for a watch?

Rolex, Piaget, Patek Philippe.

Your pick, $200.

Uh, we're giving Arliss an Aradin original.

Ohh, you want an original?

We're not giving Arliss a phony.

The time is not phony. Time is time.

We got him something

that won't turn his wrist green.

190?

"Hey, did you hear

"that a recent study found Arliss Michaels

is a complete asshole!"

(laughs)

Hey, how about this one?

Arliss' dick is so small

a hooker once said,

"Quien tu vaz a satifechar con eso?

Conjo, me." (laughs)

Whatever that was, I'm sure it was disgusting.

Okay, Mr. Critic, what are you planning to say?

Oh, something witty, humorous and wry.

Oh, boy, are you gonna bomb!

You just make sure that I go on last,

because nobody's gonna be able to follow me.

Rather than worry about who's going on last,

how are you gettin' Arliss to show up?

Oh, don't worry, I've got an idea.

Uuugh!

Marshall Faulk,

how's the rajah of running backs?

Good, good, looking forward to tomorrow night.

Marshall, I don't think we should discuss business tomorrow night.

Let's me and you just have a nice quiet dinner.

Get to know the real Arliss Michaels.

Sounds good to me.

I'm tired of the hard sell anyways.

Great, I'll pick you up around seven,

and don't forget to bring your appetite.

Oh, don't worry about that. It's with me 24/7.

Bye.

(chuckles)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Arliss, it's me.

Kirby, thank God you're alive.

I was just, uh, dreamin' about you.

Yeah, Arliss, I just found out that Marshall Faulk

went through the same thing that I did.

Why don't you bring him with you

to meet me tomorrow night?

But, your illness is a private, personal matter.

I mean, maybe he'll appreciate how sick I am.

Oh, Kirby, only I can appreciate

How truly sick you are,

but, uh, I know it means a lot to ya, so we'll be there.

Thanks, Arliss.

Bye.

Yes! He's comin'!

Okay, guys, I'm being roasted tomorrow night,

I need to be loaded for bear. What do I do?

I'm tellin' ya, Arliss, be the aggressor.

Go after them before they get to you.

Bust their fuckin' balls.

I'll hit them before they hit me.

Offense, you say, "You're so ugly,

when you masturbate, you get stood up."

Ooh!

(blows air horn)

He is so ugly that when he goes in the woods,

the trees piss on him.

- How about that, is that cool? - (blows air horn)

How 'bout this?

Namin' Kirby the player of the week

Is like calling Janet Reno the fuck of the month.

(laughs) That's funny.

What do you call a German tampon?

- What's that? - Twat-stika!

(laughter)

Okay, I'll be right back, I'll be right back.

Wait, how 'bout this, how about this?

Say, "Listen...

He left, Norm, he left, Norm!

Whoo, does it stink in there!

Gimme, gimme, I need funny, I need funny! What do you got?

Here's an ice breaker.

How do you get three old ladies to say "fuck"?

- How? - Make the fourth one yell, "bingo"!

(laughs)

Hey, I can't believe how many times Kirby gets laid.

- I was talkin' to... - (blows air horn)

Stanley, he's the kind of a guy

would come over your house and shit in your pool...

from the high diving board!

(laughter)

This'll work. This'll work.

It's a good thing you're making the cake from scratch.

These cake mixes have genetically modified ingredients.

Margaret, you learned all about that in school.

They gave human hormones to pigs.

And they grew really big.

But then, they got arthritis and became cross-eyed.

(quietly) Oh, no...

cross-eyed pigs!

Sweetie, we have to leave for your lesson

in less than an hour.

Oh, I thought I'd take Margaret to her lesson.

If you don't mind.

Umm, I don't know.

Mom, please?

Please?

I know the way,

I used to bike there every Saturday morning.

Piano lessons?

Okay, thanks.

Go practice.

Don't forget your arpeggios.

I won't!

She is such a good kid. You've done a great job.

Thanks, it's not easy.

At this age there are so many distractions.

Oh, she's 12.

Last week she asked me if she could try out for the track team.

The week before, it was swimming.

So why not let her?

Her future is in her music.

She could hurt her hands.

Swimming?

You know, studies prove that athletics

help create self-esteem.

You know, discipline, structure.

Oh, I don't know how you put up with that world.

I was reading one of those stories

about one of those "elite" athletes,

I couldn't believe how immature he sounded.

You know, there are a lot of positive aspects to my job.

I like it.

Are you even contemplating

when you're going to start a family?

You're no spring chicken, you know.

Oh, Karen!

Chickens came to this country

with Columbus on his second trip in 1493.

Hey, those chickens were smart.

They skipped the first trip because they weren't sure

the boat would float.

Excuse me, I'm going to go practice...

restraint!

Aunt Rita, why are we stopping here?

I can't be late for my lesson.

Oh, I need to take care of something.

It'll take a minute.

Mom gets awfully crazy about being late.

Aw, pfft, whatever.

(ringing doorbell)

Hey, Rita, what are you doin' here?

Oh, Jay,

I just came home to visit my family.

I just wanted to remind you

that today is Arliss' birthday.

Oh, that's right, I'll give him a call later.

So, who's your friend?

This is my niece, Margaret.

Margaret, Jay Buhner.

Hi.

Hi, Margaret, nice to meet ya!

So, you a Mariners fan?

Mm-hmm.

All right, why don't you guys come on in?

Yeah, I have to say, that is a lovely watch.

Well, lovely isn't the word that I would use,

for... obvious reasons,

but, it is a fuckin' cool watch.

Where is Kekee?

Arliss on his way to the restaurant as we speak.

Hey, listen to this, okay?

A study found that Arliss is the leading cause

of lesbianism in America!

It's enough with the crass jokes!

Am I goin' on last?

Oh, you're definitely going on last.

Where the hell is he?

Hey, sorry, I got tangled in the elevator.

Ohhh, is that 10 grand I see in your hand?

Yeah, that's what a real one looks like.

Hey, one of these seems to be five minutes off.

C'mon, let's go.

Okay.

Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no.

Here... Here's a great one.

"Okay, Arliss was so horny,

he once tried to fuck..."

Jesus Christ!

Oh, now who's bein' crass!

Oh, do something! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh, no no no no!

(yelling and screaming)

I'll take care of it!

(gun clicking)

(screaming)

Well, Marshall, uh, we'll be there,

uh... (chuckles) any minute.

Hey, look at that!

Balloons, huh?

You know what they say.

That every time a balloon flies away,

someone's dream goes with it.

Really?

James Galway.

Alanis Morrisette.

Ooh, Ian Anderson.

Who?

Jethro Tull.

He used to play flute standing on one leg.

One leg, wow!

Why were you late for your lesson?

Oh...

We made a stop.

I had to talk to a client briefly.

What client?

What client?

Jay Buhner.

He's really nice.

Margaret, go upstairs.

There will be no field trip to the Philharmonic.

- Mom...! - Go!

Karen, I was driving the car, I made the stop.

If you're gonna act like the gestapo,

Why don't you do it with me?

You disrupted her lesson for your business,

how dare you?

She's a kid, she likes sports. Most kids do.

I'm not interested in most kids.

You should have seen her face.

Her whole energy changed.

Her teacher said it was the best she's ever played.

Don't give me advice on something

you know nothing about.

Karen?

You are so selfish.

You have always been so selfish.

Never mind.

You have no respect for my job, my life, me...

See, it always comes around to you.

That's my point.

I think your point is

that you don't want your daughter to be like me.

I can't talk to you.

Fine.

Marshall, I'm not one to talk much about myself.

I'm a believer that it's what others say about you

that's truly important.

That's true.

Tonight's about you.

Group: Surprise!

(clapping and cheering)

Wh... Wh... What's goin' on?

What's goin' on is your birthday!

All: Happy Birthday!

Marshall, I had no idea.

It's a surprise party.

Are you sure? We could go eat somewhere else.

No way, I love surprise parties.

It shows that people really care about you.

That's nice of you to say.

Why don't we take a seat? Come sit by me.

(flute playing)

Margaret?

I'm sorry I got us into trouble.

And I understand if you don't want to talk to me,

but, you know, once I'm gone,

I'm sure your mom will rethink letting you

go on that field trip.

(flute playing continues)

Margaret...

Margaret?

(music stops)

Margaret...

(tape starts again)

(flute music playing)

Margaret?

Where is she?

Oh... I don't know, she's not here.

Margaret?

Margaret!

(talking)

I had no idea. This is just great.

Just to have... I... I don't know what to say, I mean...

I'm havin' a great time.

I'm glad to hear that, you want some more cake?

I'm fine.

You're fine? More wine?

You sure?

Ah!

Arliss.

Happy Birthday.

This is from Kirby and me.

We got it together.

- Ah! - Us.

Both!

Oh... I... it's my dream watch!

Marshall, check this out.

That's an Aradin original.

That is a really nice watch, Arliss.

Yeah. Man... thanks, guys.

All right, (clears throat) ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's time for the festivities to begin.

Arliss Michaels, prepare to be roasted!

Oh, no!

To Arliss Michaels.

Hey, you know, Arliss didn't wanna be late for the party,

so last night he fucked a rooster!

(laughter)

Ooh...

To Arliss Michaels,

a man so cheap, if he had to pay to take a shit,

he'd vomit!

(laughter)

Oh, oh, oh!

Uh, to Arliss Michaels,

a man that is so stupid

that he thinks innuendo

Is an Italian suppository!

(laughter)

To Arliss Michaels, who is so ugly,

he won't even play with himself!

(laughter)

To Arliss Michaels, if my dog had your face,

I'd shave its ass

and teach it how to walk backwards!

Group: Ooooh!

Hey, Arliss, I'm really impressed.

These people really do care about you.

I can't believe it, I'm in total shock.

(laughs)

Margaret?

She's up in the tree.

Is she okay?

Yeah, she's reading "Harry Potter."

That tree.

How many hours did we spend on that branch?

How many hours did we spend up here?

Mom's kept it pretty much the same.

Oh! Remember this blanket we used to use as a tent?

Cyndi Lauper, Pat Benatar.

Jethro Tull. We wore these out.

Margaret's never heard of Jethro Tull.

You should play it for her some time.

You know...

you're wrong about me not wanting her to be like you.

I... I really hope she grows up with your spunk.

Spunk?

Yeah, your spirit.

You're the adventurous, brave one.

You always were.

You talked me into climbing into that tree.

You had to talk me out of jumping

from that tree to the roof.

It was probably a good thing.

I don't mean to get on you, Rita.

I guess...

I'm just... scared.

Of?

Choices.

The... The choices Margaret'll make.

The choices you've made.

The choices I've made.

Were they the right ones?

I ask myself those same questions.

It's just so hard out there.

I... I want her to reach her absolute potential.

You want her to be a little girl, too.

You know, I see you and Margaret together,

and I see how much fun you guys have,

and... I remember how much fun we used to have.

Sometimes I just wonder if...

if I were the one with all the brains,

and you were the one with all the beauty.

(laughing)

Ooh, I miss you.

Arliss: There is nothing as comforting

as surrounding yourself with loved ones.

Arliss' dick is so small,

a hooker said,

"Quien tu vaz a satifechar con eso?

Conjo, me."

(laughter)

"Conjo, me!"

To Arliss Michaels,

the world's leading cause of lesbianism!

(laughing)

And finally, uh, Kirby Carlisle!

(applause)

Happy Birthday, Arliss.

Fuck you, Stanley.

Group: Ooooh...

But, uh, seriously, folks,

I, uh... I give you our honoree, the birthday boy himself...

And our leader... Arliss Michaels!

(cheering and applause)

Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Thank you.

I'm, uh, truly touched by your presence.

I wanna thank you all for coming.

Starting with, um, our host,

my oldest friend, Kirby Carlisle,

A man so ugly, his face curdles piss!

(laughter)

And of course, I wanna thank Stanley Babson,

a good man, a strong man,

a man who hasn't had a blow job in so long,

he's forgotten how it tastes!

(laughter)

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

And I wanna thank all of my clients for coming here tonight,

starting with Hall of Fame manager Sparky Anderson.

(cheers and applause)

I don't wanna say Sparky's old,

but he's got more toes than teeth!

I mean, he's so old, when he was born,

the Dead Sea was only sick!

I mean, he's so old, he farts dust!

(laughter)

And there's all-star hockey player,

Jeremy Roenick.

Who is so into hockey,

he won't let his girlfriend change pads

until after three periods!

Crowd: Ohhhhhh!

What are you laughing at,

Olympic swimmer Dara Torres?

Dara has slept with so many men,

the pool asks for penicillin!

(laughter)

I mean, she's seen more dick than a urinal

at a Greyhound station!

Group: Ohhhhhh!

I know you think you're hot, but let me tell ya, personally,

I wouldn't fuck you with her dick!

Group: Ohhhhhh!

That's right, Rosie Capelli,

the girl who made Anne Heche switch back!

(laughter)

But, enough jokes.

From the bottom of my heart,

I wanna thank all of you for being here.

And, especially one person in particular.

And that's my new friend, Marshall Faulk.

Thank you. It's a great honor to have the MVP.

You know, Marshall's girlfriend is also an MVP.

Most valuable pole dancer!

(laughter)

Or is it most violated pussy?

Group: Ohhhhh!

Hey, Marshall, Faulk you.

(laughter)

Arliss: There is nothing as comforting

as surrounding yourself with loved ones.

(laughing)

Stick your swing and follow through.

Mom, I did it.

That's right, sweetie, you did!

How 'bout that, Margaret!

Tim Salmon doesn't give batting tips to just anyone.

Now you remember, take care of your studies first,

and, uh, forget about those Mariners,

start rootin' for the Angels, all right?

- Okay. - All right. Nice meetin' you both.

- Thanks, Tim. - He's really nice, is he single?

- Oh, stop it. - What?

I'll take you to the freebie room.

He's really cute, too.

I know, I know!

Well, it was generally agreed upon last night

that my remarks went over the best.

That's 'cause you stole 'em from me, asshole.

But it wasn't just the remarks, it was the delivery.

Hey, hey, hey, hey... did I kill last night or what?

It was bang, bang-bang,

one bull's-eye after another.

Bang, bang-bang, bang.

Yeah, well, I don't wanna rain on your target,

but a lot of your jokes weren't appreciated.

Bullshit, I killed.

I think Sparky was a little pissed off

by some of those jokes you told.

Nonsense, jocks all have a sense of humor.

It's cultivated in the locker room.

It's part of the sports warrior ethos.

That's funny.

My watch stopped.

What the fuck?

Oh, that mark indicates where the watch goes.

That's an Aradin trademark.

Aradin.

Trademark, what...?

Marshall! Hey-hey!

Hey, last night was something, wasn't it?

Sure was.

Mind if I see you in your office for a second,

behind closed doors?

Go right in.

See?

Get the papers ready.

So, how funny was I last night?

Oh, yeah. Real funny.

I'll tell you what.

Let's get down to business.

Yeah, let's get down to business.

(punch and crashing sounds)

Arliss: When one client leaves my door,

there's always another ready to enter.

All right Sparky, you're next.

Arliss: I'm struck by the fact

- that friends always want a piece of me. - Ow! Ow! No! No!

(crashing sounds)

My name is Arliss Michaels.

I represent athletes.

These are my stories.

- Arliss: It was a joke! Ow! - (crashing noises)

It was a joke! Come on! Come on! Can't take a joke?

Come on, ow!

(flute music playing)

An agent takes his wife to a hockey game,

they're sittin' in the box. And guys keep coming over.

"Hey, Ralph, how are ya?"

And they grab his wife by the ass.

"Hey, Ralphie, how ya doin'?"

The guy puts his hand down his wife's dress.

This happens a dozen times.

And the guy sittin' behind him leans down, he taps him on the shoulder.

He says, "Ralph, you let these guys do this to your wife?"

He said, "what am I gonna do?

If I leave her home, they fuck her."

(laughing)

♪♪

♪♪

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