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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:13,912 Arliss: For most of us, 2 00:00:13,980 --> 00:00:16,020 The dream of becoming a champion, 3 00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:18,652 remains a fantasy. 4 00:00:18,718 --> 00:00:20,588 But for a special few, 5 00:00:20,653 --> 00:00:23,093 it is very much a reality. 6 00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:24,256 We cheer them, 7 00:00:24,324 --> 00:00:25,864 We live through them. 8 00:00:25,925 --> 00:00:28,855 Athletes are our last warriors. 9 00:00:28,928 --> 00:00:34,098 My job is to make their dreams come true. 10 00:00:34,167 --> 00:00:36,167 My name is Arliss Michaels. 11 00:00:36,236 --> 00:00:38,336 I represent athletes. 12 00:00:38,404 --> 00:00:39,974 These are my stories. 13 00:00:40,039 --> 00:00:42,909 ♪ I don't know what it is that makes me love you so ♪ 14 00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:46,676 ♪ I only know I never wanna let you go ♪ 15 00:00:46,746 --> 00:00:50,246 ♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪ 16 00:00:50,316 --> 00:00:53,946 ♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪ 17 00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:57,620 ♪ It happens to be true ♪ 18 00:00:57,690 --> 00:01:01,260 ♪ I only wanna be with you ♪ 19 00:01:01,327 --> 00:01:04,797 ♪ I just wanna be beside you everywhere ♪ 20 00:01:04,864 --> 00:01:08,334 ♪ As long as we're together, honey, I don't care ♪ 21 00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:12,011 ♪ 'Cause you started something, oh, can't you see ♪ 22 00:01:12,071 --> 00:01:15,681 ♪ That ever since we met you had a hold on me ♪ 23 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:19,152 ♪ No matter what you do ♪ 24 00:01:19,212 --> 00:01:22,552 ♪ I only wanna be with you ♪ 25 00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:28,123 Look at this. 26 00:01:28,187 --> 00:01:30,657 I design this specially for Shaq. 27 00:01:30,723 --> 00:01:31,763 Shaq? 28 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,929 A little small for his foot, isn't it? 29 00:01:34,994 --> 00:01:36,164 What foot? 30 00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:38,599 It's a pendant for a necklace. 31 00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:40,699 Okay, listen to this... 32 00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,597 "Arliss didn't wanna be late for this party, 33 00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:44,969 so last night he fucked a rooster!" 34 00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:46,838 (laughs) 35 00:01:46,906 --> 00:01:49,376 "Oh, of course we all know Arliss is so cheap, 36 00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:51,782 if he had to pay to take a shit, he'd vomit!" 37 00:01:51,844 --> 00:01:53,014 (laughs) 38 00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:54,359 Kirby those jokes are tasteless! 39 00:01:54,380 --> 00:01:55,720 It's a roast. 40 00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,322 It's a surprise birthday party. 41 00:01:57,383 --> 00:01:59,923 At which occasion we will roast Arliss. 42 00:01:59,986 --> 00:02:01,546 Anything goes at a roast. 43 00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:02,761 Mm. 44 00:02:02,822 --> 00:02:04,492 Wow! 45 00:02:04,557 --> 00:02:06,087 Look at the size of that ring. 46 00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:08,599 Huh! Imagine the finger that goes on. 47 00:02:08,661 --> 00:02:11,501 No, no, no, it's not for a finger. 48 00:02:14,267 --> 00:02:15,997 Umm... 49 00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:17,799 We're looking for a watch. 50 00:02:17,870 --> 00:02:19,410 This one. 51 00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:20,972 Ten thousand. Ah! 52 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:22,040 How about this? 53 00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:24,175 "Arliss Michaels' dick is so small 54 00:02:24,243 --> 00:02:25,853 The mosquito didn't get off!" 55 00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:27,812 Enough with the foul jokes! 56 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:29,390 How are you gettin' Arliss to the party? 57 00:02:29,415 --> 00:02:32,885 I told Arliss my doctor found some abnormalities. 58 00:02:32,952 --> 00:02:35,322 The results are inconclusive, but I'm worried, 59 00:02:35,388 --> 00:02:37,558 so I need Arliss to help me get through Thursday night 60 00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:40,364 before the spinal tap on Friday. 61 00:02:41,894 --> 00:02:43,204 Very good, I'm almost touched. 62 00:02:43,262 --> 00:02:44,632 (phone ringing) 63 00:02:44,697 --> 00:02:47,197 I know when it comes to my health, he'll be there. 64 00:02:47,266 --> 00:02:48,266 Hello. 65 00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:49,484 Kirby, I gotta bail Thursday. 66 00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:50,782 I'm having dinner with Marshall Faulk. 67 00:02:50,803 --> 00:02:51,843 What? 68 00:02:51,904 --> 00:02:53,424 I... I know you wanted to meet about something, 69 00:02:53,439 --> 00:02:55,439 but, uh, we're talkin' the MVP of the NFL here. 70 00:02:55,508 --> 00:02:56,548 Can you make it another night? 71 00:02:56,576 --> 00:02:58,136 This is real serious. 72 00:02:58,211 --> 00:02:59,751 Well then, it'll be serious on Friday. 73 00:02:59,812 --> 00:03:00,852 Take care. 74 00:03:02,348 --> 00:03:04,248 What? 75 00:03:04,317 --> 00:03:06,687 Here are your meetings for the next three days. 76 00:03:06,753 --> 00:03:08,263 Uh, circled phone calls need to be returned 77 00:03:08,287 --> 00:03:10,757 immediately, and you can always reach me on my cell phone. 78 00:03:10,823 --> 00:03:11,833 Wh... Wh... Where you going? 79 00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:13,238 (sighs) I've been telling you for a month 80 00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:14,859 I have to go home for a long weekend. 81 00:03:14,927 --> 00:03:16,157 Home? Why are you going home? 82 00:03:16,229 --> 00:03:17,329 It's my mother's birthday. 83 00:03:17,397 --> 00:03:18,727 Tomorrow is my birthday. 84 00:03:18,798 --> 00:03:20,698 Arliss, you don't own the day. 85 00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:24,037 You, my mother, and Mussolini are all celebrating July 29th. 86 00:03:24,103 --> 00:03:25,143 What's more important, 87 00:03:25,204 --> 00:03:26,544 your family or my surprise party? 88 00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:29,336 Your surpri... you know about it? 89 00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:30,419 Of course I know about it. 90 00:03:30,443 --> 00:03:31,843 I know everything that goes on here. 91 00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,558 I even know what they're getting me for a present. 92 00:03:33,579 --> 00:03:35,309 My dream watch, 93 00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:36,981 An Aradin original. 94 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,420 I'm just not lettin' on. 95 00:03:38,484 --> 00:03:39,934 Don't. Kirby and Stanley have been working 96 00:03:39,952 --> 00:03:41,652 very hard at it. 97 00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:43,461 And Marshall Faulk will love it even more. 98 00:03:43,523 --> 00:03:45,603 Oh, don't tell me you're gonna try and sign Marshall Faulk 99 00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:47,225 at your own surprise birthday party. 100 00:03:47,293 --> 00:03:48,933 Absolutely! 101 00:03:48,995 --> 00:03:51,195 When he sees how much people love me at my party, 102 00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:52,334 he'll sign on the spot. 103 00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:53,628 - (chuckles) - (phone ringing) 104 00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,300 Arliss Michaels' office. 105 00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:57,538 Rita, is Arliss there? It's urgent. 106 00:03:57,603 --> 00:04:00,943 Uh-huh. Stanley, he says it's urgent. 107 00:04:01,007 --> 00:04:02,037 Hello? 108 00:04:02,108 --> 00:04:05,378 Arliss, I'm at the doctor's with Kirby. 109 00:04:05,445 --> 00:04:06,775 The news isn't encouraging. 110 00:04:06,846 --> 00:04:08,646 I think you should be with him tomorrow night. 111 00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:09,745 Really? 112 00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:10,846 Put the doctor on. 113 00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:11,947 The what? 114 00:04:12,018 --> 00:04:12,948 I wanna talk to the doctor. 115 00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:14,089 (quietly) I love this. 116 00:04:14,153 --> 00:04:15,423 I'll see you Monday. 117 00:04:15,488 --> 00:04:17,068 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... 118 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,220 Hello, hello. 119 00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:19,391 This is doctor. 120 00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:21,029 Yes, doctor, uh, Arliss Michaels here. 121 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,874 Uh, tell me, what is your professional diagnosis? 122 00:04:22,895 --> 00:04:23,995 Uh... 123 00:04:24,063 --> 00:04:27,133 His, uh... his stool is too soft. 124 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,340 He's been eatin' too much Viagra, doc. 125 00:04:29,402 --> 00:04:31,502 Uh... y... yes, yes, sure, 126 00:04:31,571 --> 00:04:35,071 Uh, to whom do I send my consultation bill to? 127 00:04:35,141 --> 00:04:36,141 Give me that! 128 00:04:36,175 --> 00:04:37,275 Arliss... listen, 129 00:04:37,343 --> 00:04:39,583 I really wish you'd come to dinner with me. 130 00:04:39,645 --> 00:04:41,545 Oh, now you got me concerned. 131 00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:42,624 I mean, there's no telli" 132 00:04:42,648 --> 00:04:44,228 what those test results will be Friday morning. 133 00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:45,320 Exactly. 134 00:04:45,384 --> 00:04:47,524 So have all your paperwork done Thursday night. Bye. 135 00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:49,387 Huh-haaa! 136 00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:50,885 My dream watch. 137 00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:54,587 (flute playing) 138 00:05:05,538 --> 00:05:06,808 ( Snoring ) 139 00:05:11,677 --> 00:05:13,777 (clapping) 140 00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:15,106 Aunt Rita, did you like it? 141 00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:18,381 Oh, my little maestro, you've gotten so good. 142 00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:20,321 Oh, sis, you must be so proud. 143 00:05:20,386 --> 00:05:21,726 She's going on a field trip next week 144 00:05:21,754 --> 00:05:24,424 with her youth orchestra to see the Philharmonic. 145 00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,090 Wow, excellent! 146 00:05:27,527 --> 00:05:29,297 (whispers) I got you something. 147 00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:36,844 - Still a Mariners fan? - Wow. 148 00:05:36,903 --> 00:05:38,253 I could get us some really great tickets 149 00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:39,311 and we can go together. 150 00:05:39,372 --> 00:05:40,512 Mariners game? 151 00:05:40,573 --> 00:05:44,213 Oh, no, we don't have time for needless distractions. 152 00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:45,977 Well, she might have fun. 153 00:05:46,045 --> 00:05:47,405 If she's gonna get a scholarship, 154 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,220 she needs to focus on her playing. 155 00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:50,622 But thanks for the offer. 156 00:05:53,786 --> 00:05:56,216 (helium voice) Uh, shall we get Arliss a bunch of balloons, 157 00:05:56,289 --> 00:05:57,699 or shall we just take the whole tank? 158 00:05:57,723 --> 00:05:59,463 Look, just the balloons, we're tapped out 159 00:05:59,525 --> 00:06:01,925 after spending 10 grand on a watch. 160 00:06:01,994 --> 00:06:03,934 Ten grand for a watch? 161 00:06:06,265 --> 00:06:09,295 Rolex, Piaget, Patek Philippe. 162 00:06:09,368 --> 00:06:10,898 Your pick, $200. 163 00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:13,870 Uh, we're giving Arliss an Aradin original. 164 00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:16,510 Ohh, you want an original? 165 00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:19,250 We're not giving Arliss a phony. 166 00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:22,322 The time is not phony. Time is time. 167 00:06:22,381 --> 00:06:23,521 We got him something 168 00:06:23,583 --> 00:06:24,633 that won't turn his wrist green. 169 00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:25,690 190? 170 00:06:25,751 --> 00:06:26,951 "Hey, did you hear 171 00:06:27,019 --> 00:06:29,259 "that a recent study found Arliss Michaels 172 00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:30,862 is a complete asshole!" 173 00:06:30,923 --> 00:06:32,563 (laughs) 174 00:06:32,625 --> 00:06:33,985 Hey, how about this one? 175 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,460 Arliss' dick is so small 176 00:06:36,529 --> 00:06:37,929 a hooker once said, 177 00:06:37,997 --> 00:06:39,997 "Quien tu vaz a satifechar con eso? 178 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:42,566 Conjo, me." (laughs) 179 00:06:42,635 --> 00:06:44,535 Whatever that was, I'm sure it was disgusting. 180 00:06:44,604 --> 00:06:46,814 Okay, Mr. Critic, what are you planning to say? 181 00:06:46,873 --> 00:06:49,143 Oh, something witty, humorous and wry. 182 00:06:49,208 --> 00:06:51,338 Oh, boy, are you gonna bomb! 183 00:06:51,410 --> 00:06:53,280 You just make sure that I go on last, 184 00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:55,306 because nobody's gonna be able to follow me. 185 00:06:55,381 --> 00:06:57,061 Rather than worry about who's going on last, 186 00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,853 how are you gettin' Arliss to show up? 187 00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:00,718 Oh, don't worry, I've got an idea. 188 00:07:00,786 --> 00:07:02,186 Uuugh! 189 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,955 Marshall Faulk, 190 00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:06,193 how's the rajah of running backs? 191 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,729 Good, good, looking forward to tomorrow night. 192 00:07:08,794 --> 00:07:11,074 Marshall, I don't think we should discuss business tomorrow night. 193 00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:13,327 Let's me and you just have a nice quiet dinner. 194 00:07:13,399 --> 00:07:14,929 Get to know the real Arliss Michaels. 195 00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:16,401 Sounds good to me. 196 00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:17,969 I'm tired of the hard sell anyways. 197 00:07:18,037 --> 00:07:19,537 Great, I'll pick you up around seven, 198 00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:21,145 and don't forget to bring your appetite. 199 00:07:21,173 --> 00:07:23,983 Oh, don't worry about that. It's with me 24/7. 200 00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:26,183 Bye. 201 00:07:26,245 --> 00:07:27,445 (chuckles) 202 00:07:27,513 --> 00:07:29,753 (phone ringing) 203 00:07:29,815 --> 00:07:30,875 Hello? 204 00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:32,290 Arliss, it's me. 205 00:07:32,351 --> 00:07:34,651 Kirby, thank God you're alive. 206 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,520 I was just, uh, dreamin' about you. 207 00:07:37,590 --> 00:07:40,530 Yeah, Arliss, I just found out that Marshall Faulk 208 00:07:40,593 --> 00:07:42,963 went through the same thing that I did. 209 00:07:43,029 --> 00:07:44,169 Why don't you bring him with you 210 00:07:44,196 --> 00:07:45,556 to meet me tomorrow night? 211 00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:47,801 But, your illness is a private, personal matter. 212 00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:50,067 I mean, maybe he'll appreciate how sick I am. 213 00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:51,566 Oh, Kirby, only I can appreciate 214 00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:52,867 How truly sick you are, 215 00:07:52,939 --> 00:07:56,039 but, uh, I know it means a lot to ya, so we'll be there. 216 00:07:56,108 --> 00:07:57,378 Thanks, Arliss. 217 00:07:57,443 --> 00:07:59,283 Bye. 218 00:07:59,345 --> 00:08:01,075 Yes! He's comin'! 219 00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,048 Okay, guys, I'm being roasted tomorrow night, 220 00:08:04,116 --> 00:08:06,546 I need to be loaded for bear. What do I do? 221 00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:08,349 I'm tellin' ya, Arliss, be the aggressor. 222 00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:09,731 Go after them before they get to you. 223 00:08:09,755 --> 00:08:11,415 Bust their fuckin' balls. 224 00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:12,770 I'll hit them before they hit me. 225 00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:15,085 Offense, you say, "You're so ugly, 226 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,701 when you masturbate, you get stood up." 227 00:08:16,762 --> 00:08:17,762 Ooh! 228 00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:19,627 (blows air horn) 229 00:08:19,699 --> 00:08:22,199 He is so ugly that when he goes in the woods, 230 00:08:22,268 --> 00:08:23,398 the trees piss on him. 231 00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:24,949 - How about that, is that cool? - (blows air horn) 232 00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:26,071 How 'bout this? 233 00:08:26,138 --> 00:08:27,278 Namin' Kirby the player of the week 234 00:08:27,306 --> 00:08:30,176 Is like calling Janet Reno the fuck of the month. 235 00:08:30,242 --> 00:08:31,382 (laughs) That's funny. 236 00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:32,914 What do you call a German tampon? 237 00:08:32,979 --> 00:08:34,579 - What's that? - Twat-stika! 238 00:08:34,647 --> 00:08:36,477 (laughter) 239 00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:38,349 Okay, I'll be right back, I'll be right back. 240 00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:40,487 Wait, how 'bout this, how about this? 241 00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:41,693 Say, "Listen... 242 00:08:41,754 --> 00:08:43,764 He left, Norm, he left, Norm! 243 00:08:45,891 --> 00:08:47,461 Whoo, does it stink in there! 244 00:08:47,526 --> 00:08:50,026 Gimme, gimme, I need funny, I need funny! What do you got? 245 00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:51,096 Here's an ice breaker. 246 00:08:51,163 --> 00:08:52,773 How do you get three old ladies to say "fuck"? 247 00:08:52,798 --> 00:08:54,568 - How? - Make the fourth one yell, "bingo"! 248 00:08:54,633 --> 00:08:56,143 (laughs) 249 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,402 Hey, I can't believe how many times Kirby gets laid. 250 00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:00,031 - I was talkin' to... - (blows air horn) 251 00:09:00,072 --> 00:09:01,442 Stanley, he's the kind of a guy 252 00:09:01,507 --> 00:09:03,507 would come over your house and shit in your pool... 253 00:09:03,542 --> 00:09:04,742 from the high diving board! 254 00:09:04,810 --> 00:09:06,180 (laughter) 255 00:09:06,245 --> 00:09:07,705 This'll work. This'll work. 256 00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,482 It's a good thing you're making the cake from scratch. 257 00:09:11,550 --> 00:09:14,720 These cake mixes have genetically modified ingredients. 258 00:09:14,787 --> 00:09:17,187 Margaret, you learned all about that in school. 259 00:09:17,256 --> 00:09:19,086 They gave human hormones to pigs. 260 00:09:19,158 --> 00:09:20,788 And they grew really big. 261 00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:23,860 But then, they got arthritis and became cross-eyed. 262 00:09:23,929 --> 00:09:25,459 (quietly) Oh, no... 263 00:09:25,531 --> 00:09:26,701 cross-eyed pigs! 264 00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:28,466 Sweetie, we have to leave for your lesson 265 00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:29,744 in less than an hour. 266 00:09:29,802 --> 00:09:32,272 Oh, I thought I'd take Margaret to her lesson. 267 00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:33,908 If you don't mind. 268 00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:35,573 Umm, I don't know. 269 00:09:35,641 --> 00:09:37,941 Mom, please? 270 00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:39,450 Please? 271 00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:40,552 I know the way, 272 00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:42,553 I used to bike there every Saturday morning. 273 00:09:42,615 --> 00:09:43,845 Piano lessons? 274 00:09:45,117 --> 00:09:46,717 Okay, thanks. 275 00:09:46,786 --> 00:09:48,086 Go practice. 276 00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:49,324 Don't forget your arpeggios. 277 00:09:49,388 --> 00:09:50,558 I won't! 278 00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:53,163 She is such a good kid. You've done a great job. 279 00:09:53,225 --> 00:09:55,995 Thanks, it's not easy. 280 00:09:56,062 --> 00:09:58,662 At this age there are so many distractions. 281 00:09:58,731 --> 00:10:00,271 Oh, she's 12. 282 00:10:00,332 --> 00:10:02,872 Last week she asked me if she could try out for the track team. 283 00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:04,695 The week before, it was swimming. 284 00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:06,340 So why not let her? 285 00:10:06,405 --> 00:10:08,905 Her future is in her music. 286 00:10:08,974 --> 00:10:10,684 She could hurt her hands. 287 00:10:10,743 --> 00:10:12,143 Swimming? 288 00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:15,446 You know, studies prove that athletics 289 00:10:15,514 --> 00:10:17,424 help create self-esteem. 290 00:10:17,483 --> 00:10:19,193 You know, discipline, structure. 291 00:10:19,251 --> 00:10:21,621 Oh, I don't know how you put up with that world. 292 00:10:21,687 --> 00:10:23,257 I was reading one of those stories 293 00:10:23,322 --> 00:10:25,422 about one of those "elite" athletes, 294 00:10:25,491 --> 00:10:28,631 I couldn't believe how immature he sounded. 295 00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:31,604 You know, there are a lot of positive aspects to my job. 296 00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:32,734 I like it. 297 00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:34,328 Are you even contemplating 298 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,570 when you're going to start a family? 299 00:10:36,635 --> 00:10:37,975 You're no spring chicken, you know. 300 00:10:38,003 --> 00:10:39,673 Oh, Karen! 301 00:10:39,738 --> 00:10:40,778 Chickens came to this country 302 00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:44,006 with Columbus on his second trip in 1493. 303 00:10:44,076 --> 00:10:45,906 Hey, those chickens were smart. 304 00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:48,018 They skipped the first trip because they weren't sure 305 00:10:48,047 --> 00:10:49,677 the boat would float. 306 00:10:49,748 --> 00:10:52,078 Excuse me, I'm going to go practice... 307 00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:53,451 restraint! 308 00:11:00,926 --> 00:11:02,796 Aunt Rita, why are we stopping here? 309 00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:04,532 I can't be late for my lesson. 310 00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:06,037 Oh, I need to take care of something. 311 00:11:06,098 --> 00:11:07,168 It'll take a minute. 312 00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:09,403 Mom gets awfully crazy about being late. 313 00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:11,138 Aw, pfft, whatever. 314 00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:15,139 (ringing doorbell) 315 00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:19,647 Hey, Rita, what are you doin' here? 316 00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:21,012 Oh, Jay, 317 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:22,750 I just came home to visit my family. 318 00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:23,855 I just wanted to remind you 319 00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:25,853 that today is Arliss' birthday. 320 00:11:25,918 --> 00:11:27,328 Oh, that's right, I'll give him a call later. 321 00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:28,723 So, who's your friend? 322 00:11:28,787 --> 00:11:31,017 This is my niece, Margaret. 323 00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:32,260 Margaret, Jay Buhner. 324 00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,429 Hi. 325 00:11:33,492 --> 00:11:34,932 Hi, Margaret, nice to meet ya! 326 00:11:34,994 --> 00:11:36,304 So, you a Mariners fan? 327 00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:37,402 Mm-hmm. 328 00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:39,063 All right, why don't you guys come on in? 329 00:11:42,935 --> 00:11:45,295 Yeah, I have to say, that is a lovely watch. 330 00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,641 Well, lovely isn't the word that I would use, 331 00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:49,506 for... obvious reasons, 332 00:11:49,575 --> 00:11:51,635 but, it is a fuckin' cool watch. 333 00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:52,750 Where is Kekee? 334 00:11:52,811 --> 00:11:54,561 Arliss on his way to the restaurant as we speak. 335 00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:56,050 Hey, listen to this, okay? 336 00:11:56,115 --> 00:11:58,975 A study found that Arliss is the leading cause 337 00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:00,721 of lesbianism in America! 338 00:12:00,786 --> 00:12:02,116 It's enough with the crass jokes! 339 00:12:02,188 --> 00:12:03,258 Am I goin' on last? 340 00:12:03,322 --> 00:12:04,632 Oh, you're definitely going on last. 341 00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:05,657 Where the hell is he? 342 00:12:05,691 --> 00:12:07,731 Hey, sorry, I got tangled in the elevator. 343 00:12:09,028 --> 00:12:11,258 Ohhh, is that 10 grand I see in your hand? 344 00:12:11,330 --> 00:12:13,170 Yeah, that's what a real one looks like. 345 00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:16,172 Hey, one of these seems to be five minutes off. 346 00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:17,295 C'mon, let's go. 347 00:12:17,369 --> 00:12:18,499 Okay. 348 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:19,841 Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no. 349 00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:20,985 Here... Here's a great one. 350 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:22,310 "Okay, Arliss was so horny, 351 00:12:22,374 --> 00:12:23,644 he once tried to fuck..." 352 00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:24,709 Jesus Christ! 353 00:12:24,743 --> 00:12:26,353 Oh, now who's bein' crass! 354 00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:28,962 Oh, do something! Oh! Oh! 355 00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:30,445 Oh! Oh, no no no no! 356 00:12:30,516 --> 00:12:31,976 (yelling and screaming) 357 00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:33,791 I'll take care of it! 358 00:12:36,288 --> 00:12:37,288 (gun clicking) 359 00:12:37,356 --> 00:12:38,756 (screaming) 360 00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:40,294 Well, Marshall, uh, we'll be there, 361 00:12:40,359 --> 00:12:42,599 uh... (chuckles) any minute. 362 00:12:42,661 --> 00:12:44,031 Hey, look at that! 363 00:12:45,764 --> 00:12:46,834 Balloons, huh? 364 00:12:46,899 --> 00:12:47,899 You know what they say. 365 00:12:47,967 --> 00:12:49,737 That every time a balloon flies away, 366 00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:52,612 someone's dream goes with it. 367 00:12:52,671 --> 00:12:53,971 Really? 368 00:12:58,544 --> 00:12:59,854 James Galway. 369 00:12:59,912 --> 00:13:01,352 Alanis Morrisette. 370 00:13:01,413 --> 00:13:02,453 Ooh, Ian Anderson. 371 00:13:02,514 --> 00:13:03,514 Who? 372 00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:04,619 Jethro Tull. 373 00:13:04,683 --> 00:13:06,063 He used to play flute standing on one leg. 374 00:13:06,085 --> 00:13:07,185 One leg, wow! 375 00:13:07,253 --> 00:13:09,223 Why were you late for your lesson? 376 00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:10,658 Oh... 377 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:11,723 We made a stop. 378 00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:13,487 I had to talk to a client briefly. 379 00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:14,629 What client? 380 00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,132 What client? 381 00:13:20,532 --> 00:13:22,272 Jay Buhner. 382 00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:23,574 He's really nice. 383 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,136 Margaret, go upstairs. 384 00:13:25,204 --> 00:13:27,514 There will be no field trip to the Philharmonic. 385 00:13:27,573 --> 00:13:28,573 - Mom...! - Go! 386 00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:34,750 Karen, I was driving the car, I made the stop. 387 00:13:34,813 --> 00:13:36,163 If you're gonna act like the gestapo, 388 00:13:36,181 --> 00:13:37,231 Why don't you do it with me? 389 00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:40,189 You disrupted her lesson for your business, 390 00:13:40,252 --> 00:13:41,952 how dare you? 391 00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:45,191 She's a kid, she likes sports. Most kids do. 392 00:13:45,257 --> 00:13:47,157 I'm not interested in most kids. 393 00:13:47,226 --> 00:13:48,926 You should have seen her face. 394 00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:50,564 Her whole energy changed. 395 00:13:50,629 --> 00:13:52,729 Her teacher said it was the best she's ever played. 396 00:13:52,798 --> 00:13:54,568 Don't give me advice on something 397 00:13:54,633 --> 00:13:56,303 you know nothing about. 398 00:13:56,368 --> 00:13:57,498 Karen? 399 00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:58,644 You are so selfish. 400 00:13:58,704 --> 00:14:00,674 You have always been so selfish. 401 00:14:00,739 --> 00:14:01,769 Never mind. 402 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,840 You have no respect for my job, my life, me... 403 00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:06,950 See, it always comes around to you. 404 00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:08,212 That's my point. 405 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:09,350 I think your point is 406 00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:11,255 that you don't want your daughter to be like me. 407 00:14:12,151 --> 00:14:14,151 I can't talk to you. 408 00:14:14,219 --> 00:14:15,219 Fine. 409 00:14:15,287 --> 00:14:18,987 Marshall, I'm not one to talk much about myself. 410 00:14:19,058 --> 00:14:21,158 I'm a believer that it's what others say about you 411 00:14:21,226 --> 00:14:22,486 that's truly important. 412 00:14:22,561 --> 00:14:23,601 That's true. 413 00:14:23,662 --> 00:14:24,902 Tonight's about you. 414 00:14:24,963 --> 00:14:27,073 Group: Surprise! 415 00:14:27,132 --> 00:14:29,472 (clapping and cheering) 416 00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:30,545 Wh... Wh... What's goin' on? 417 00:14:30,569 --> 00:14:32,099 What's goin' on is your birthday! 418 00:14:32,171 --> 00:14:34,471 All: Happy Birthday! 419 00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,810 Marshall, I had no idea. 420 00:14:36,875 --> 00:14:37,905 It's a surprise party. 421 00:14:37,976 --> 00:14:39,686 Are you sure? We could go eat somewhere else. 422 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,282 No way, I love surprise parties. 423 00:14:41,347 --> 00:14:43,117 It shows that people really care about you. 424 00:14:43,182 --> 00:14:45,882 That's nice of you to say. 425 00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:47,851 Why don't we take a seat? Come sit by me. 426 00:14:48,987 --> 00:14:52,887 (flute playing) 427 00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:54,788 Margaret? 428 00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:57,330 I'm sorry I got us into trouble. 429 00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:59,526 And I understand if you don't want to talk to me, 430 00:14:59,598 --> 00:15:01,698 but, you know, once I'm gone, 431 00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:04,037 I'm sure your mom will rethink letting you 432 00:15:04,103 --> 00:15:05,643 go on that field trip. 433 00:15:05,704 --> 00:15:08,744 (flute playing continues) 434 00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:10,437 Margaret... 435 00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:15,109 Margaret? 436 00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:16,450 (music stops) 437 00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:20,194 Margaret... 438 00:15:22,921 --> 00:15:24,561 (tape starts again) 439 00:15:24,623 --> 00:15:26,263 (flute music playing) 440 00:15:26,325 --> 00:15:27,555 Margaret? 441 00:15:29,895 --> 00:15:31,025 Where is she? 442 00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:33,666 Oh... I don't know, she's not here. 443 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,970 Margaret? 444 00:15:36,969 --> 00:15:38,669 Margaret! 445 00:15:39,938 --> 00:15:45,208 (talking) 446 00:15:48,647 --> 00:15:50,777 I had no idea. This is just great. 447 00:15:50,849 --> 00:15:52,729 Just to have... I... I don't know what to say, I mean... 448 00:15:52,751 --> 00:15:54,151 I'm havin' a great time. 449 00:15:54,219 --> 00:15:55,899 I'm glad to hear that, you want some more cake? 450 00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:58,291 I'm fine. 451 00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:57,261 You're fine? More wine? 452 00:15:57,322 --> 00:15:58,322 You sure? 453 00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:01,259 Ah! 454 00:16:01,326 --> 00:16:02,486 Arliss. 455 00:16:02,561 --> 00:16:03,961 Happy Birthday. 456 00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:05,659 This is from Kirby and me. 457 00:16:05,731 --> 00:16:06,731 We got it together. 458 00:16:06,765 --> 00:16:08,025 - Ah! - Us. 459 00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:09,130 Both! 460 00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:16,038 Oh... I... it's my dream watch! 461 00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:17,438 Marshall, check this out. 462 00:16:17,509 --> 00:16:19,509 That's an Aradin original. 463 00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:22,823 That is a really nice watch, Arliss. 464 00:16:22,881 --> 00:16:26,021 Yeah. Man... thanks, guys. 465 00:16:26,084 --> 00:16:27,904 All right, (clears throat) ladies and gentlemen. 466 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,050 Ladies and gentlemen, 467 00:16:29,121 --> 00:16:31,361 it's time for the festivities to begin. 468 00:16:31,423 --> 00:16:33,663 Arliss Michaels, prepare to be roasted! 469 00:16:33,725 --> 00:16:35,625 Oh, no! 470 00:16:35,694 --> 00:16:37,234 To Arliss Michaels. 471 00:16:37,296 --> 00:16:39,436 Hey, you know, Arliss didn't wanna be late for the party, 472 00:16:39,465 --> 00:16:41,265 so last night he fucked a rooster! 473 00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,803 (laughter) 474 00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:44,038 Ooh... 475 00:16:44,102 --> 00:16:45,172 To Arliss Michaels, 476 00:16:45,237 --> 00:16:48,107 a man so cheap, if he had to pay to take a shit, 477 00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:49,173 he'd vomit! 478 00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:50,878 (laughter) 479 00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:54,083 Oh, oh, oh! 480 00:16:54,146 --> 00:16:56,376 Uh, to Arliss Michaels, 481 00:16:56,448 --> 00:16:58,178 a man that is so stupid 482 00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:00,320 that he thinks innuendo 483 00:17:00,385 --> 00:17:03,385 Is an Italian suppository! 484 00:17:03,455 --> 00:17:06,885 (laughter) 485 00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:09,389 To Arliss Michaels, who is so ugly, 486 00:17:09,461 --> 00:17:11,861 he won't even play with himself! 487 00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:13,930 (laughter) 488 00:17:13,999 --> 00:17:16,839 To Arliss Michaels, if my dog had your face, 489 00:17:16,902 --> 00:17:18,142 I'd shave its ass 490 00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:20,043 and teach it how to walk backwards! 491 00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:23,475 Group: Ooooh! 492 00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,412 Hey, Arliss, I'm really impressed. 493 00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:27,347 These people really do care about you. 494 00:17:27,412 --> 00:17:29,652 I can't believe it, I'm in total shock. 495 00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:31,145 (laughs) 496 00:17:39,324 --> 00:17:40,364 Margaret? 497 00:17:41,593 --> 00:17:43,063 She's up in the tree. 498 00:17:46,431 --> 00:17:48,001 Is she okay? 499 00:17:48,066 --> 00:17:50,166 Yeah, she's reading "Harry Potter." 500 00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:53,140 That tree. 501 00:17:53,205 --> 00:17:56,165 How many hours did we spend on that branch? 502 00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:58,611 How many hours did we spend up here? 503 00:17:58,677 --> 00:18:01,507 Mom's kept it pretty much the same. 504 00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:05,350 Oh! Remember this blanket we used to use as a tent? 505 00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:08,087 Cyndi Lauper, Pat Benatar. 506 00:18:08,153 --> 00:18:11,763 Jethro Tull. We wore these out. 507 00:18:11,823 --> 00:18:14,493 Margaret's never heard of Jethro Tull. 508 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,360 You should play it for her some time. 509 00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:19,099 You know... 510 00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:21,604 you're wrong about me not wanting her to be like you. 511 00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:25,797 I... I really hope she grows up with your spunk. 512 00:18:25,871 --> 00:18:27,271 Spunk? 513 00:18:27,339 --> 00:18:28,709 Yeah, your spirit. 514 00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,114 You're the adventurous, brave one. 515 00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:31,875 You always were. 516 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,354 You talked me into climbing into that tree. 517 00:18:34,413 --> 00:18:35,693 You had to talk me out of jumping 518 00:18:35,747 --> 00:18:37,077 from that tree to the roof. 519 00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:39,480 It was probably a good thing. 520 00:18:47,859 --> 00:18:50,759 I don't mean to get on you, Rita. 521 00:18:50,829 --> 00:18:52,659 I guess... 522 00:18:52,731 --> 00:18:55,701 I'm just... scared. 523 00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,302 Of? 524 00:18:58,370 --> 00:18:59,940 Choices. 525 00:19:00,005 --> 00:19:02,505 The... The choices Margaret'll make. 526 00:19:02,574 --> 00:19:04,644 The choices you've made. 527 00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,380 The choices I've made. 528 00:19:07,846 --> 00:19:09,716 Were they the right ones? 529 00:19:09,781 --> 00:19:12,421 I ask myself those same questions. 530 00:19:12,484 --> 00:19:14,894 It's just so hard out there. 531 00:19:14,953 --> 00:19:17,423 I... I want her to reach her absolute potential. 532 00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:20,059 You want her to be a little girl, too. 533 00:19:20,125 --> 00:19:22,885 You know, I see you and Margaret together, 534 00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:25,161 and I see how much fun you guys have, 535 00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:28,970 and... I remember how much fun we used to have. 536 00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:33,036 Sometimes I just wonder if... 537 00:19:33,105 --> 00:19:34,665 if I were the one with all the brains, 538 00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:36,740 and you were the one with all the beauty. 539 00:19:38,076 --> 00:19:39,806 (laughing) 540 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,580 Ooh, I miss you. 541 00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:45,890 Arliss: There is nothing as comforting 542 00:19:45,917 --> 00:19:48,587 as surrounding yourself with loved ones. 543 00:19:48,654 --> 00:19:50,394 Arliss' dick is so small, 544 00:19:50,455 --> 00:19:51,485 a hooker said, 545 00:19:51,556 --> 00:19:53,126 "Quien tu vaz a satifechar con eso? 546 00:19:53,191 --> 00:19:54,191 Conjo, me." 547 00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:57,329 (laughter) 548 00:19:57,396 --> 00:19:58,456 "Conjo, me!" 549 00:19:58,530 --> 00:19:59,730 To Arliss Michaels, 550 00:19:59,798 --> 00:20:02,868 the world's leading cause of lesbianism! 551 00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:05,244 (laughing) 552 00:20:05,303 --> 00:20:07,713 And finally, uh, Kirby Carlisle! 553 00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:10,943 (applause) 554 00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:15,876 Happy Birthday, Arliss. 555 00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:19,650 Fuck you, Stanley. 556 00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,248 Group: Ooooh... 557 00:20:23,989 --> 00:20:25,559 But, uh, seriously, folks, 558 00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:30,504 I, uh... I give you our honoree, the birthday boy himself... 559 00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:32,862 And our leader... Arliss Michaels! 560 00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:37,001 (cheering and applause) 561 00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,799 Sit, sit, sit, sit. 562 00:20:42,674 --> 00:20:43,944 Thank you. 563 00:20:44,009 --> 00:20:47,809 I'm, uh, truly touched by your presence. 564 00:20:47,879 --> 00:20:49,609 I wanna thank you all for coming. 565 00:20:49,681 --> 00:20:52,051 Starting with, um, our host, 566 00:20:52,117 --> 00:20:54,417 my oldest friend, Kirby Carlisle, 567 00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:57,186 A man so ugly, his face curdles piss! 568 00:20:57,255 --> 00:21:00,225 (laughter) 569 00:21:02,661 --> 00:21:04,311 And of course, I wanna thank Stanley Babson, 570 00:21:04,329 --> 00:21:06,129 a good man, a strong man, 571 00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,228 a man who hasn't had a blow job in so long, 572 00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:09,800 he's forgotten how it tastes! 573 00:21:09,868 --> 00:21:13,168 (laughter) 574 00:21:13,238 --> 00:21:15,868 Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! 575 00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:18,681 And I wanna thank all of my clients for coming here tonight, 576 00:21:18,744 --> 00:21:21,384 starting with Hall of Fame manager Sparky Anderson. 577 00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:23,676 (cheers and applause) 578 00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:24,929 I don't wanna say Sparky's old, 579 00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:27,950 but he's got more toes than teeth! 580 00:21:28,019 --> 00:21:29,759 I mean, he's so old, when he was born, 581 00:21:29,821 --> 00:21:33,191 the Dead Sea was only sick! 582 00:21:33,258 --> 00:21:35,488 I mean, he's so old, he farts dust! 583 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,330 (laughter) 584 00:21:37,395 --> 00:21:38,755 And there's all-star hockey player, 585 00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:40,027 Jeremy Roenick. 586 00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:41,628 Who is so into hockey, 587 00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:43,700 he won't let his girlfriend change pads 588 00:21:43,769 --> 00:21:45,299 until after three periods! 589 00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:48,370 Crowd: Ohhhhhh! 590 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:49,570 What are you laughing at, 591 00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:51,711 Olympic swimmer Dara Torres? 592 00:21:51,777 --> 00:21:53,247 Dara has slept with so many men, 593 00:21:53,311 --> 00:21:55,311 the pool asks for penicillin! 594 00:21:55,380 --> 00:21:56,980 (laughter) 595 00:21:57,048 --> 00:21:59,448 I mean, she's seen more dick than a urinal 596 00:21:59,518 --> 00:22:01,048 at a Greyhound station! 597 00:22:01,119 --> 00:22:04,259 Group: Ohhhhhh! 598 00:22:04,322 --> 00:22:06,332 I know you think you're hot, but let me tell ya, personally, 599 00:22:06,358 --> 00:22:08,558 I wouldn't fuck you with her dick! 600 00:22:08,627 --> 00:22:10,427 Group: Ohhhhhh! 601 00:22:12,731 --> 00:22:14,101 That's right, Rosie Capelli, 602 00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:16,766 the girl who made Anne Heche switch back! 603 00:22:16,835 --> 00:22:18,735 (laughter) 604 00:22:18,804 --> 00:22:21,344 But, enough jokes. 605 00:22:21,406 --> 00:22:23,106 From the bottom of my heart, 606 00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:25,205 I wanna thank all of you for being here. 607 00:22:25,277 --> 00:22:27,447 And, especially one person in particular. 608 00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:30,822 And that's my new friend, Marshall Faulk. 609 00:22:30,882 --> 00:22:33,392 Thank you. It's a great honor to have the MVP. 610 00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:37,323 You know, Marshall's girlfriend is also an MVP. 611 00:22:37,389 --> 00:22:39,389 Most valuable pole dancer! 612 00:22:39,457 --> 00:22:41,357 (laughter) 613 00:22:41,426 --> 00:22:43,086 Or is it most violated pussy? 614 00:22:43,161 --> 00:22:45,161 Group: Ohhhhh! 615 00:22:45,230 --> 00:22:47,200 Hey, Marshall, Faulk you. 616 00:22:47,265 --> 00:22:48,725 (laughter) 617 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:50,370 Arliss: There is nothing as comforting 618 00:22:50,435 --> 00:22:52,935 as surrounding yourself with loved ones. 619 00:22:53,004 --> 00:22:54,414 (laughing) 620 00:22:55,907 --> 00:22:58,377 Stick your swing and follow through. 621 00:22:58,443 --> 00:22:59,513 Mom, I did it. 622 00:22:59,578 --> 00:23:00,788 That's right, sweetie, you did! 623 00:23:00,812 --> 00:23:01,982 How 'bout that, Margaret! 624 00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:04,617 Tim Salmon doesn't give batting tips to just anyone. 625 00:23:04,683 --> 00:23:06,493 Now you remember, take care of your studies first, 626 00:23:06,518 --> 00:23:07,858 and, uh, forget about those Mariners, 627 00:23:07,886 --> 00:23:09,156 start rootin' for the Angels, all right? 628 00:23:09,187 --> 00:23:10,767 - Okay. - All right. Nice meetin' you both. 629 00:23:10,789 --> 00:23:13,229 - Thanks, Tim. - He's really nice, is he single? 630 00:23:13,291 --> 00:23:14,591 - Oh, stop it. - What? 631 00:23:14,659 --> 00:23:16,189 I'll take you to the freebie room. 632 00:23:16,261 --> 00:23:17,261 He's really cute, too. 633 00:23:17,295 --> 00:23:18,355 I know, I know! 634 00:23:18,430 --> 00:23:19,970 Well, it was generally agreed upon last night 635 00:23:19,998 --> 00:23:21,568 that my remarks went over the best. 636 00:23:21,633 --> 00:23:23,603 That's 'cause you stole 'em from me, asshole. 637 00:23:23,668 --> 00:23:26,038 But it wasn't just the remarks, it was the delivery. 638 00:23:26,104 --> 00:23:29,644 Hey, hey, hey, hey... did I kill last night or what? 639 00:23:29,708 --> 00:23:30,938 It was bang, bang-bang, 640 00:23:31,009 --> 00:23:32,049 one bull's-eye after another. 641 00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:33,177 Bang, bang-bang, bang. 642 00:23:33,245 --> 00:23:34,755 Yeah, well, I don't wanna rain on your target, 643 00:23:34,779 --> 00:23:36,979 but a lot of your jokes weren't appreciated. 644 00:23:37,048 --> 00:23:38,648 Bullshit, I killed. 645 00:23:38,717 --> 00:23:40,157 I think Sparky was a little pissed off 646 00:23:40,185 --> 00:23:41,585 by some of those jokes you told. 647 00:23:41,653 --> 00:23:44,893 Nonsense, jocks all have a sense of humor. 648 00:23:44,956 --> 00:23:46,486 It's cultivated in the locker room. 649 00:23:46,558 --> 00:23:49,288 It's part of the sports warrior ethos. 650 00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:53,266 That's funny. 651 00:23:53,331 --> 00:23:54,331 My watch stopped. 652 00:23:57,302 --> 00:23:59,042 What the fuck? 653 00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:02,314 Oh, that mark indicates where the watch goes. 654 00:24:02,374 --> 00:24:03,784 That's an Aradin trademark. 655 00:24:03,842 --> 00:24:04,912 Aradin. 656 00:24:04,976 --> 00:24:06,576 Trademark, what...? 657 00:24:06,645 --> 00:24:08,045 Marshall! Hey-hey! 658 00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:09,953 Hey, last night was something, wasn't it? 659 00:24:10,015 --> 00:24:11,075 Sure was. 660 00:24:11,149 --> 00:24:12,629 Mind if I see you in your office for a second, 661 00:24:12,651 --> 00:24:13,751 behind closed doors? 662 00:24:15,687 --> 00:24:17,117 Go right in. 663 00:24:17,188 --> 00:24:18,758 See? 664 00:24:18,823 --> 00:24:20,633 Get the papers ready. 665 00:24:23,795 --> 00:24:26,225 So, how funny was I last night? 666 00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:28,098 Oh, yeah. Real funny. 667 00:24:29,100 --> 00:24:30,440 I'll tell you what. 668 00:24:30,502 --> 00:24:32,042 Let's get down to business. 669 00:24:32,103 --> 00:24:34,213 Yeah, let's get down to business. 670 00:24:37,976 --> 00:24:40,646 (punch and crashing sounds) 671 00:24:42,113 --> 00:24:44,283 Arliss: When one client leaves my door, 672 00:24:44,349 --> 00:24:46,579 there's always another ready to enter. 673 00:24:46,651 --> 00:24:48,651 All right Sparky, you're next. 674 00:24:49,654 --> 00:24:51,094 Arliss: I'm struck by the fact 675 00:24:51,156 --> 00:24:54,286 - that friends always want a piece of me. - Ow! Ow! No! No! 676 00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:55,929 (crashing sounds) 677 00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:57,964 My name is Arliss Michaels. 678 00:24:58,029 --> 00:24:59,759 I represent athletes. 679 00:24:59,831 --> 00:25:01,931 These are my stories. 680 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:03,710 - Arliss: It was a joke! Ow! - (crashing noises) 681 00:25:03,735 --> 00:25:06,465 It was a joke! Come on! Come on! Can't take a joke? 682 00:25:06,538 --> 00:25:07,838 Come on, ow! 683 00:25:07,906 --> 00:25:10,776 (flute music playing) 684 00:25:10,842 --> 00:25:12,842 An agent takes his wife to a hockey game, 685 00:25:12,911 --> 00:25:16,281 they're sittin' in the box. And guys keep coming over. 686 00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:17,648 "Hey, Ralph, how are ya?" 687 00:25:17,716 --> 00:25:19,176 And they grab his wife by the ass. 688 00:25:19,250 --> 00:25:20,370 "Hey, Ralphie, how ya doin'?" 689 00:25:20,418 --> 00:25:22,348 The guy puts his hand down his wife's dress. 690 00:25:22,420 --> 00:25:24,190 This happens a dozen times. 691 00:25:24,255 --> 00:25:27,015 And the guy sittin' behind him leans down, he taps him on the shoulder. 692 00:25:27,058 --> 00:25:29,958 He says, "Ralph, you let these guys do this to your wife?" 693 00:25:30,028 --> 00:25:31,038 He said, "what am I gonna do? 694 00:25:31,062 --> 00:25:32,562 If I leave her home, they fuck her." 695 00:25:32,630 --> 00:25:34,730 (laughing) 696 00:25:34,799 --> 00:25:38,699 ♪♪ 697 00:26:17,942 --> 00:26:21,852 ♪♪ 698 00:26:21,902 --> 00:26:26,452 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 48080

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