All language subtitles for The Best Man (1999) 1080p

- Thanks a lot, man.
- You bet.

- Cool. Take care.
- You, too.

Harp, how's it goin', brother?

Robin, baby, I got some good news.

- Try this. Tell me what you think.
- Come on, girl. You know...

Grilled ginger shrimp
with cranberry-orange-mango chutney.

- Damn, that's good.
- Yeah, man, 'tis good.

Thanks for letting me use your kitchen.
I almost died when my stove broke.

No problem, baby.

But then I remembered
what a loving boyfriend I have.

Sorry about the mess.

I have three jobs goin' on at once here.

- It's so crazy.
- So I see.

What's the news?

What's the dealie, yo?

Oprah Winfrey wants my new book,
Unfinished Business...

...for her January
Book of the Month Club Show.

- You're kidding.
- I ain't kiddin'.

Oh, my God! Your first novel?

I was nervous when I heard
she wanted to read a preview copy.

But she read it and loved it.

- When's the release date?
- We go into print next month.

Oh, baby! I'm so happy for you.

I'm so happy for you!

That is so great. So great.

- I'm on my way, girl.
- The callaloo.

I missed you.

I'm glad you decided to come back to town
before heading to New York.

Yeah. Me, too, baby.

Did I tell you about the 20-city book tour
I got going?

I'm psyched. I gotta make sure
my shit's on point, though.

- Harper, come on.
- "Harper, come on," what?

You never live enough for today.

For once, just enjoy the moment.

At least for a little while?

I got to stay focused.

All work and no play
makes Harper a very dull boy.

- Yeah, whatever, man.
- "Yeah, whatever, man."

You're not feelin' me, huh?

I felt you getting your freak on
a couple minutes ago. That's what I felt.

- Only with you.
- That's what I like to hear.

Oh, girl.

I could be like this
with you forever, Harper.

What?

Relax.

All I mean is that I love being with you.

You said yourself I was the best girlfriend
you ever had.

You've never been with somebody
this long or had this much fun.

Face it. We fit together.

- Yeah, but...
- You love me, don't you?

Of course I do. But it's not that simple.

It is to me.

Dead silence.

Nice. Excuse me.

What's "Excuse me"? Wait.

No. I think I'll get some sleep.

Wait, Robin.

Honey, about last night. I didn't...

Harper, it's okay. I know you love me.

- I do, you know.
- I'm not insecure.

- I just have doubts sometimes.
- About what?

Like this wedding reunion
with your friends.

I don't know what I'm walking into.

Oh, baby! They are gonna love you.

Don't worry. They are gonna love you.
You'll be fine.

- Really?
- Really.

Even Kendall?

I can't believe you're jealous of a character
I wrote in my book.

Not just a character. An icon. An ideal.

Your soul mate. Jackson's soul mate.

- She's nothing like me.
- She's not like anybody.

She is a combination of a bunch of women
that I knew in college.

- Why would I lie to you about that?
- I don't know. That's what scares me.

Okay, here it is. Here is the drama.

I thought I had finally avoided it
in this relationship.

- I'm not perfect.
- Could we stop talking about this, please?

I had to let you know how I feel.

- Are you still coming to the wedding?
- Of course I am.

Nothing has changed about that.

I want you to have fun.

Hang out with your boys, reminisce.

I'll still be there on Sunday.

That's great. Fine. Good.

Atlantic Airlines welcomes you
to New York City's La Guardia Airport.

I'm coming!

Harper!

Murch! My man!

It's the Doug Banks Show
with DeDe McGuire.

Can you believe those Giants?
Lance Sullivan, my man!

That man really is. He's fine.
Big old chocolate thing.

- No, DeDe, he's a good football player.
- I know. I'm a fan.

Right. Here's Lauryn Hill.

What do you say about that?
So, they're fine. They're young, that's all.

And I had to take a gun away
from one kid last week.

Hell, no! A gun?

Damn it, Murch!

Didn't the firm you worked for last summer
offer you a six-figure salary?

- Yes, they did.
- So what's up?

I have to pass the bar first.

Whatever, man.

Brother, all I'm saying is,
if you're gonna be stressed...

...get paid for it, man.

Now you sound like Shelby.

Shelby.

Lockdown!

You are lucky I love you
like an adopted brother.

I'm playing. Shelby's cool.

You certainly didn't make her sound cool
in your book.

I mean, not that I read your book.

- You read my book?
- No.

- How did you get ahold of my book?
- I don't have your book. Jordan does.

Jordan has my book?

Camera two,
I need a close-up on Dr. Gayle.

Zoom in slowly, slowly.

Great. Hold it right there.

Camera one, stand by
for audience reaction.

Give me audience reaction, camera one.

Jordan Armstrong.

She's already runnin' things, ain't she?

You should not be surprised.

She's the only one more driven
than you are.

That's all right.

- When's the last time you saw Jordan?
- Last March, actually.

We didn't have much time to hang
'cause she had a deadline.

And I had to move...

What, nigger?

You, my brother,
are withholding information.

Here we go.

You and Jordan got busy
in undergrad, didn't you?

No, we didn't.

What about the book?
Jackson and Kendall.

That's you two. I know it!

They picked the prime opportunity
to make grass sandwiches.

"A passionate night
of lovemaking so intense..."

I know my words.
Embellishment sells books.

So, then what really happened?

- Nothin'.
- You are lying! I know it.

- Out with it.
- What?

- Tell me. Tell me.
- Nothing.

It was senior year during finals.

The year-end issue was off to the printer
and the staff had left for the night.

We both had studying to do,
but we were mad tired.

Only Stevie Wonder
was gonna help us that night.

- And you didn't tell any of us?
- There wasn't much to tell.

And you know, you can't keep a secret.

What do you mean I can't keep a secret?

Were you supposed to tell me
that you had my book?

Just finish the story.

In retrospect, it was one of those moments
you wish you could have back.

- But at the time, it just wasn't right.
- Wasn't right?

- No.
- You two are ridiculous.

Why?

You forget. She was off to LA
to do that internship...

...I was headed straight to grad school.

In other words, the two control freaks
couldn't lose control and get freaky?

I almost forgot how corny you could be.

Almost.

- I thought it was a good play on words.
- It was kind of corny.

Okay.

Jordan, stop it.

This is business.

This is your boy. This is strictly business.

- It's all good. You don't have...
- Good job.

Thanks, Anita. I think it was good,
but we could've...

Is that him?

Yes, indeed. That is Harper Stewart,
Lance Sullivan's best man.

You sure we can't get a camera
at that wedding? It could be huge.

I know. I've been working on that,
but they're adamant about it.

Keep trying.

Right.

You ready?

Ready.

- Here she is.
- Harper Stewart.

Jordan Armstrong.

I've always enjoyed your writing.
But that book of yours? You nailed it.

And your girl here. Talk about a fan.

She's got her nose
in that preview copy every moment.

It's my job to keep up with what's current.

Of course you do.

Can we get you on Teen Summit,
or profile you on Tonight With Tavis?

- Absolutely. Sure. I would like that.
- Great.

We'll get Jordan to produce it.
What do you think?

Absolutely. We've got the inside track.

This is gonna be fabulous.
It was a pleasure meeting you both.

- I've got to run. Take care, Harper.
- All right. Bye-bye.

That's gonna be Jordan in a little while.

- She's well on her way.
- True.

Come on, now. Give me love.

Yeah, of course.

Okay. Yeah. So, you know...

Like Anita was saying,
we want to get you in the studio.

You know me. I'm all yours.

Right.

Yeah. So, you guys ready to go?

I'll talk to you later. 'Bye.
Damn, this wedding shit! It never ends.

- Who wants ham hocks?
- Lance's uncles.

Mia's cousins have the nerve
to be calling me, driving me nuts...

...asking me to hook them up with guys.

- You should introduce them to Quentin.
- I did. Big mistake.

He's got the poor girls open.

- Charming motherfucker.
- That's what he's good at.

If they gave college credit for that,
he'd have his Ph.D. By now.

You know, Dr. Feelgood has your book.

Quentin has my book?

- Go on, baby.
- Quentin Spivey!

Quentin Spivey from our nation's capital.

I'm gonna have to do a story on him.

- I'll be right back.
- All right, cool.

- You want a drink?
- No.

- What's wrong with you?
- You talk too much.

- See you later. Peace.
- Why'd you tell him everything?

So, Q, what's up with the guitar?

This? Just a little something
to add to the repertoire.

- You know a nigger got gifts.
- The nigger's scatterbrained.

I had to pull strings to get you
that photography gig at the Post.

- What happened?
- Don't get all bent.

You know I read your book.

I heard. So?

So, you got skills, Joe.

I ain't gonna front.
You about to blow the fuck up.

- Get me wanting to be a writer and shit.
- See, man, that's what I'm talkin' about.

First it was photography.
Then you got this music thing going.

Back in January,
you wanted to direct music videos.

- Now you want to be a writer.
- Don't sweat none of that shit, Joe.

Seriously, that book is like that.

I still think you might have exaggerated
a brother's character a little bit.

My Mama not being around ain't got shit
to do with how I treat these bitches.

How do you know I'm talkin' about you?

Come on, now.
Give a nigger some credit, all right?

I ain't stupid. I was more focused
than that when I was in school.

You're still in school.

But I'm sayin'...

...couldn't you have embellished a nigger
a little bit?

Ain't that that buttery shit
about being a writer?

You know, rewritin' history?

Tailorin' shit to fit your own ideal self?

I know where you're going,
so just chill with that.

The frontal lobe, shorty?

- Ain't nothin' there. Just leave it be.
- All I'm sayin' is...

...it brought back some wild memories.

You know, shit I ain't thought about
in years.

Know what I'm sayin'?

Yeah, man. Where's the book now?

Running back!

- You know what? You play too much.
- You're spilling your stuff.

- That was a great show.
- Thank you.

Can you imagine? Look at him.

L-Boogie!

- They love him in the Big Apple.
- You know they're talkin' Super Bowl.

What are they now? 6 and 0?

He's been carryin' them
all the way to the bye week.

We gotta move back here.
I got you all set up back here.

- I'm gonna go get the superstar.
- What you up to?

- I'm not up to anything.
- Still got your mama's jacket on.

Will you stop, you two?

- Excuse me. Mr. Lance Sullivan?
- Thank you.

- Harper, man! What's up?
- How you feelin'?

- I'm all right, but I am stressed.
- You ought to be.

Why are you planning a wedding
in the middle of the season?

- You got Dallas next week.
- I wasn't even thinking.

It's what the little lady wanted.

The best man is here.
I'm gonna hook you up.

I'll get you over that broom if it kills me.

Good to see you, man.

How are you?

- Sorry I missed your show.
- Congratulations, big man.

- You doing all right?
- Yes, sir.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

Julian!

Hi, Shel.

Hello, honey.

Well, well, well.
The gang's all here, back in effect.

- Break out the forties.
- Hey, Shelby.

It's nice to see all of you, too.

Harper Stewart.

- Richard Wrong, Langston Snooze.
- Hi, Shelby.

I heard about your book,
and I don't think it's cute.

Next time you want to characterize me
in one of your projects, do me a favor.

- What would that be?
- Don't.

Drive me to Saks. I can't decide
what I should wear for the wedding.

- I thought you were wearing...
- No, no. I decided against that.

I thought I told you I had plans.

What kind of plans?

- I'm hanging out with the guys tonight.
- Honey, that can wait.

You have all weekend for that.
This'll only take a few hours. Come on.

I see.

It's "Gang up on Shelby" day.

Fine.

If you'd rather be with them than me,
that's fine.

Here it comes.

Am I being that unreasonable?

No.

Honey, no. No, no. I'm sorry.

Murch, we'll catch up with you later.

Yeah, I'll see you guys later.

- Baby, you're the best.
- She be givin' young one drama.

- Seven years of the same shit.
- She makes it hard for sisters.

- I know she gotta have a LoJack on him.
- Harper!

I'm watching you.

Damn, Lance.

- That contract is fat, huh?
- Obese, player.

- Hey, mama.
- Come here.

It's so good to see you.

- How are you?
- I'm good. You look really great.

- So do you.
- How can you tell?

- You got him so hemmed up.
- Lance, shut up. Don't pay him any mind.

- I won't.
- I don't see why you love this fool so much.

He ain't shit. You ain't shit, dog.

It's because he's a true friend.

And he dedicated his first novel to us.

- So you read my book, too.
- No, but I heard great things.

That's good.

When's that girlfriend coming?
I can't wait to meet her.

- You've kept this one under wraps.
- And for good reason.

Bringing her around y'all
might taint her image of me.

She's comin' on Sunday.

You're always so secretive, Harper.

Oh, no! Look at the size of this rock!
I'm gonna go blind lookin' at it.

She's got to do finger curls
just to hold that mug up.

- Stop it, y'all.
- Don't be jelly.

Nothin's too good for my little Mia.

- I love you, baby.
- I love you, too.

Damn. Would you cut it out
with that Leave It To Beaver shit?

What happened, Mia?
You called me earlier.

The caterer's trippin'...

...the florist screwed up the order
and Mama hasn't found a dress.

Girlfriend, don't worry.
Superwoman is here.

- All right.
- Let's go.

Y'all hurry. We ain't got all night.
Got men stuff to do, right?

Lance, go away.
Show Harper the rest of the house.

- Come on, cat.
- All right, man.

- It's great to see you, Harper.
- You too, sweetie.

This is where we're gonna put
the big screen with that DVD system.

Yeah, front page, kid.

We were almost used the one
of you draggin' those five dudes...

...over the goal line,
but we thought this told it all.

I'm surprised you took the holy road.
You're not a spiritual person.

You know I'm not into that mess.
It's just about the story.

Someday you'll believe in my God.
Our God.

- Whatever, man.
- What's up?

You got to tell me, man.
What happened in Pittsburgh?

- Dog, twins. Two sets.
- Shut up.

Yes. They were waiting for me
in the hotel room, right?

This agent sent them. They had
these big-ass titties, like punching bags.

- Four of them?
- Four was nice. It was nice.

- Praise the Lord and pass the panties.
- Words to live by, dog.

Harper?

I don't mean to interrupt,
but here are the ads.

I convinced Friday's to place one...

...provided it's next
to Lance Sullivan's photo.

You got Friday's. Cool. Okay.
Thank you, Mia.

Pardon me. I'm Mia Morgan.

The pleasure's all mine, baby.

How nice. But what is your name?

This is Lance Sullivan.

You're Lance Sullivan!

I apologize. I didn't recognize you.
You look bigger on television.

Harper, I gotta get to Econ...

...but I can take those deposits
to the bank if you want.

Thank you, Mia.

That was a great game on Saturday.

Okay. So, you've seen me play.

- I love the game.
- She's seen me play.

I think you'd get more yardage
if you used your offensive line more.

And you would want to stop planting
so hard on turf.

Your knees won't last through
junior year if you keep that up.

Just think about it.

- Okay. See ya.
- 'Bye, Mia.

- Who is that? Is that you, player?
- No. We're just friends.

- Word has it, she's savin' it.
- A virgin?

- Yeah, man.
- Really, man? You got to hook me!

- Hell, no.
- Hell, yes.

She's a good girl. She comes to work
on time, she's dependable. No.

Come on. She could be Mrs. Sullivan.

So could those four freaks from Pittsburgh
with the saddle-back titties, bionic dick.

I got ya.

You gonna pay for that though.

- There you go.
- The station will buy us lunch tomorrow.

I'll pick you up around 11:00.

Splendid, Ms. Armstrong.
That fits well into my schedule.

I'll call to confirm.

So, what, a sister can't be professional?

Here we go.
I guess some things never change.

Change is overrated, Harper.

All you had to do was ask me
for a copy of my book.

You wouldn't have given it to me.

True. But at least I would have known
that you were interested.

Don't play yourself, Harper.

I want the exclusive. You can save
the sloppy seconds for Oprah.

If that's the case,
how come you can't look at me in my face?

Harper, why'd you really leave your girl
at home this weekend?

'Cause I wanted to hang out with the guys.
You know, cut up with the boys...

...before she came, that's all.
It's been a while. You know?

Good night, Harper.

Damn.

Come on, Harp! Let's go!

I'm about to run a Boston on you niggers.
Y'all about to be set.

Do you always have to talk trash?
Come on. It's just a game.

- That's what all punk-ass losers say.
- Easy, Mojo, leave the boy alone.

"Mojo." I haven't heard that in a clip.

"Mo" to the "jo."

That's what I'll be puttin' on my ladies
when I do my thing.

Got them turned the hell out.

They be makin' breakfast for this fool,
buyin' him jewelry.

Then they try to figure out why,
'cause they really hate his yellow ass.

Then he drops them like a bad habit.

Hold up, man.

I know you ain't talkin'
about a nigger leavin' a whore strung out.

- True. You're the serial monogamist.
- Serial what?

- Yes.
- Nigger, you be having these girlfriends.

Better yet, these jive-ass
public relationships.

Talkin' about, "This is my queen" and shit.

And the first moment she steps out
of your little boundary, she's gone.

Dismissed with the quicks.

That's because none of them
have ever measured up to Jordan.

Excellent point, Counsel Murchison.

There it is right there. Sustained.

- Get out of here!
- You know that's true.

Jordan's the best girlfriend you never had.

Wait. Did you guys know they kissed
in undergrad?

Up in the newsroom. I remember that.

- You knew about that?
- Yeah, we knew about that shit.

You know damn well
you can't keep a secret.

That is so messed up.

- Come on, man.
- Is that the case there?

You waitin' for Jordan to slow down
from that career path...

...for the Harper rest stop?
- You're trippin'. Let's play the game.

I still can't believe you ain't never hit that.

Me, neither.

Hey, y'all.
I'm in a very fulfilling relationship.

A virtually drama-free two years tomorrow.
Okay?

That's right. She's a stand-up comic.

No, no. She makes jewelry.

- She is a teacher.
- She is a caterer, goddamn it!

For the last time.

It took her a while
to find her creative niche.

She found it. She's a caterer.

I can definitely relate to that one.

But she still don't sound like Jordan.

- 'Cause she ain't Jordan. She's Robin.
- I'm glad she ain't Jordan.

- Why you say that?
- She's too damn sassy and independent.

And she might make more cheese
than you someday.

- Yeah? And?
- I love Jordan. You know that.

But let's face it.
A woman like that don't need no man.

She's one step from lesbian.

No, hold on. That's a nice thought.

The only way a relationship works...

...is if the man provides the loot,
and the woman takes care of the home.

You're talkin' like you from the Stone Age.
You're a caveman.

- Admit it, man.
- Isn't that ironic?

Brothers are always talking
about gold diggers...

...yet you can't take an educated sister
who makes more money?

- No, I can't.
- Murch, we know you don't care.

Your woman gonna run
your ass regardless.

Bite it. Okay? Bite it.

Grow it, Murchie.

When me and Mia get married,
her only job's gonna be...

...being my wife and raisin' our kids.

- She's gonna be content with that?
- Are you kiddin'?

Mia's straight-up old school. She can't
wait to drop this Mandingo's babies.

- Consummate mother-whore.
- Word is bond, dog. Word is bond.

- Every man wants one.
- Right.

- Let me ask you a question.
- What's that?

What made you decide to up
and get married now?

'Cause you been dippin' out on Mia,
no offense, for a while.

- And with the new contract...
- Oh, yes.

You'll need a catcher's mitt to catch
all the new pussy comin' your way.

I done have all the ass 10 men can have.
My wild oats are sown.

How much ass can one man have anyway?

A lot.

It's just time.

Marriage is sacred.
My folks have been together 35 years.

It means something to me.

I hear that.

Besides, marriage is gonna curb
my appetite for more women.

In case you didn't know,
marriage is the cure to promiscuity.

- In what world?
- I can't believe you said that.

Goddamn, Lance.

You'd never known you graduated summa
cum laude. You say some dumb-ass shit.

There's a time for everything, players.
We're in the real world now.

The real world. Real things.

Bang.

I don't give a damn what y'all say.

Ain't nothin' natural about no monogamy.

God did not intend for us to be
with just one person.

If He had,
He wouldn't have given us all this sperm.

These bitches would not outnumber us
the way they do.

Okay, okay.

Are you a philosophy major now?

- He is a bullshit artist.
- Thank you.

Fuck y'all, man.

Y'all know there ain't nothin' better
than pussy, except some new pussy.

You got a point there.

You can't trust these bitches anyway.
They as scandalous as us niggers.

Not all women, player. Not all women.

Oh, so, you don't think
that Mia ever got with other dudes.

I'm the first, the last and the only.

Really?

Really.

How do you know this?

'Cause the pussy curves to my dick.
That's how I know.

Besides, I know my little angel.

You mean to tell me with all the stickin'
and movin' you've done...

...you don't think that Mia's ever tippy-toed
out the door on you once?

No.

Quentin, just play.

If she did go out
and get her little swerve on...

...don't you think
she'd be well within her rights?

It's karma, baby.

Gotta take a piss.

Why did you have to do that?

Whose hand is it?

Honestly, have you ever fooled around
with a girl?

What do you mean? Yes, you have.

That night I met you, you was talkin'...

Hold on a second. What's up?

- The book.
- I don't know. I'm talkin'.

Go on, man. It's in there.

Yeah, I'm back.

You didn't mess around with a girl.
Ever mess around with two guys at once?

Not even in high school?

Here we go.

You best get your own copy, player.

I was just feelin' a little overprotective
of my stuff.

It's too late for that.
I cannot wait to read this mug.

- I know it's gonna be tight.
- Well, you know...

...help yourself, man.

Look at you, man.
You know you're blessed.

The Lord is smilin' on you.

Dead that. I make it happen...

...not some heavenly being
in the clouds possessing me.

- Know what I'm saying? Me.
- You're ignorant.

How do you think we're as fortunate
as we are?

Any one of us. We could be poor,
homeless, out on the street with nothing.

Lance, tuxedo fitting tomorrow?

Yeah. We gotta push it back till 5:00...

...'cause Mia's got a laundry list of things
for this brother.

Actually that's cool,
'cause I'm supposed to link up with Jordan.

That's right. Jordan.

I saw how she was lookin' at you tonight.

What did you see?

- I saw she wants to get with you.
- Whatever, man.

Yeah, "Whatever, man."
You'll be smackin' bellies this weekend.

What happened to that talk about fidelity
and puttin' an end to promiscuity?

I was talkin' about me.
That don't apply to you.

Look here, man.

You got your girl, and y'all doin'
a relationship thing, and that's cool.

But, Harp, you my boy, my man, my ace!

Jordan is fine, dog.
So for once in your life...

...go ahead on and be a dog, dog.

- I'm gettin' a headache.
- Now you're gettin' a headache.

- Later, man.
- All right.

All right, Murch, man.

Coming, dear.

That's not the worst thing in the world.

- They were gonna read it anyway, right?
- Yeah, yeah.

I just didn't think they'd take it so literally.

I'm sure it'll be fine, baby.

- Hey. I'm glad you called me.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. It'll be okay.

Listen. Did you figure out
what you're wearing to the wedding?

Not yet.

How about that little beige number
you got?

- Strapless?
- I know how to dress for a wedding.

- It's under control.
- Okay. That's cool.

I'm not trying to... Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, look at the time.

- I gotta get out of here.
- Okay. I love you.

What?

I said, "I love you."

I gotta go. So, I'll see you, baby. Okay?

- 'Morning.
- Good morning.

I'm gonna be a second.

- Chop, chop. Time is money.
- Okay.

Nice boxers.

I thought you were strictly a briefs man.

They were a gift from Robin.

The girl's got taste.

What about you?
You got any social life goin' on?

Not really. My professional
and personal life cross over so much...

...I don't know where
to draw the line anymore.

But I'm fine with that,
because sacrifice is the name of the game.

- You can't let work consume you.
- What?

Please, Harper.
That doesn't even sound like you.

- Maybe I'm maturing.
- Maybe you're full of shit.

I know how badly you want that limelight.
I see it.

I recognize it in myself. And besides,
you made that painfully obvious...

...in your depiction of Kendall.
- I call it like I see it.

Then you must not see yourself too well,
because you are exactly the same.

Two peas in a pod, huh?

You know, your girl,
she must be real patient or real dumb.

Robin deals with it.

She understands that I had dreams
in my life way before I had thoughts of her.

She is startin' to get that itch though.

- The "M" word, huh?
- Yeah, yeah.

You got a problem with that?

I mean, yeah! Marriage, you know?

Movin' in together.

The last person you ever have sex with.
Ever.

That's pretty deep.

At least you're gettin' some on the regular.

What?

You ain't gettin' none? Jordan!

Six months and counting.

And longer than that,
if you're talking about good sex.

You know what they say:
All work and no play makes...

Jordan a horny nut basket.

Okay. I'm gonna go with the pasta bowls
with the serving utensils.

- Okay.
- Thank you. Right?

Good choice.

Have you ever had Mia's shrimp scampi
with the linguini?

Yes, it is a bomb.

She used to cook like at the drop of a hat,
and good stuff, too.

- Yeah. Girlfriend can throw it out.
- That she does.

Little Mia.

That girl's got talent.

Oh, my God!

What's wrong with you?

You scandalous dog.

Jordan.

Harper, don't walk away from me.
This whole thing, it makes perfect sense.

- Do you take Visa?
- Yes, sir.

We just switched places.

Mia's Kacey, you're Jackson
and I'm Kendall.

- You're bugging the fuck out.
- I'm Kendall.

Jackson sexes me crazy.

Except you and I,
we never actually had sex.

And all Kacey and Jackson do is sleep
in the same bed, like you and I used to do.

The pressures of this wedding are getting
to you.

Oh, my God! The forehead kiss.
That is a dead giveaway.

- What are you talking about?
- The forehead kiss!

It's endearing. Shit! It's damn near erotic!

You almost got me with it. It's...

It's bullshit, okay?

We're talking about fictitious accounts
of experiences I've gone through...

...friends that I've known.

What? Now what?

You actually dedicated that book to them?

Are you crazy?
Do you want to be found out?

- That is sick!
- You're right.

What you're suggesting to me
is sick and ludicrous.

So take a step back,
use your head and think.

If Lance finds out what went down,
you better use your feet and run.

That's cute. First off, you need a sedative.

Secondly, Lance has a million
important things to do...

...to keep his mind from wandering...

...on outlandish flights of fancy
from my little book.

As a matter of fact,
he won't have time to read it.

"White boys admired his prowess
on the hardwood...

"...and his reputation with the ladies.

"They secretly deemed him
'The Ebony Humper."'

This joint is hilarious, boy!

Oh, man.

I'm gonna see you at the church.

- See you been reading.
- Yeah, I been reading.

That's funny.
I figured you wouldn't have enough time.

Me neither, man.
I had insomnia last night...

...and, player, I am on edge, man.

Quentin's right.
It's a page-turner like a mug, man.

- Quentin said that?
- Yeah. You know what?

It's a good thing you changed this dude
to a hoop star.

I'll have to disassociate myself from
this shit. This dude banged many whores.

You know what?

I'm flattered, but was I really that bad?

Yeah, you were.

You're right. I can't deny it. Oh, man!

Harp, open up, man!

- What's up?
- I need your help, man.

I've called her.
I haven't talked to her in a week.

I went by her house, she wasn't there.

- She's just upset.
- I know.

Especially when she found out
about the honeys at the Cotton Bowl.

I know! Damn it!

Lord, please forgive me
and my wayward dick.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I got to make this right.

I cannot lose her over this foolishness.

I love her, and I am so sorry
for what happened, man.

I'm sorry.

Then just say that, man. Say it. Tell her.

Just tell her, "I'm sorry."

Yeah.

Isaiah 1:18?

Lance, man, you know I can't get down
with the religion.

All right.

- 1:18.
- 1:18.

Okay. "'Come, let's talk this over,'
says the Lord."

My hand.

"No matter how deep the strain
of your sins...

"...I can take it out
and make you as clean as...

"The freshly fallen snow."
Yes, Lord, please take it away.

41:13, Harp.

I think if you just try to read some of it.

I'm readin' right now.

I'm reading.

- Thank you so much.
- 'Bye. See ya.

I know what you're gonna say, man.

They were throwing panties
at you Teddy Pendergrass style.

You better take notes. You're gonna have
to beat honeys off with a stick soon.

Who, Harp? Hell, no.

Hell, yeah. Once he does Oprah,
it's gonna be on.

Harp ain't never gonna have to work
for the quality ass again.

Panties gonna drop without coercion,
cuddling, caressing. Or...

Or what?

- Or kissin' them on the forehead.
- What?

Harp be kissing the babes on the forehead.
Panties drop with the quicks.

- Is that true?
- No, man. It doesn't work that way.

- I never did it to get ass.
- Bullshit, nigger. You ain't slick.

- Yeah, nigger, you ain't slick.
- Another secret, Harper?

Honeys love that sensitive, paternal stuff.
Mia's the same way.

Mia, too?

Here it is right here.

I tried that shit one time.
It didn't work for me.

I guess I ain't as authentic
as old Harp here.

- So?
- So, what?

"So, what?" Mia.

Jordan, good girls never tell.

Bitch, don't make me hurt you.

What?

What we shared was...

...as sweet and as endearing
as a forehead kiss.

It was what I needed.
It was what I wanted.

He was a gentleman and a friend.

And I will always love him for that.

It's just tight.

That's cause bohos like you was never
meant to wear fine European tuxedos.

Now, a handsome player like myself,
I'm gonna pimp this baby right here.

You know, I have my own style.

Never mind.

Yeah.

- What's up, dude?
- Mojo's on the prowl again?

And don't stop till the panties
come tumblin' down.

You know how many
single honeys be at weddings?

There's about to be a "hoasis"
in that baby, honey.

That's funny. If you put half the effort
into your future as you do...

Nigger, I am a pimp.

So my future looks mighty bright,
thank you very much.

Is everything straight
for the bachelor party?

Oh, hell, yeah.

Pops gave me the key
to the penthouse suite tonight.

I'm talkin' about this shit
is about to be ignorant, off the hook.

Luke dancers.

Luke dancers.

It's cool. It's cool.

Is your pop still tryin' to groom you
for the hotel management business?

Yeah, for the last 20 years.

I'm just trying not to hear
none of that stuff.

Dealin' with complaining-ass guests...

...and unions, payrolls.

Too much like a real job, huh?

Nigger, fuck you.

You're my judge, right?
That's your job. You judge me.

- I'm only playing.
- No, nigger.

It's amazing how you've always
analyzed everybody else's shit...

...and you don't do the same thing
for your own self.

- Will you chill?
- No, 'cause you've done dirt, too.

And you're doin' more dirt.

That's right.
You're fuckin' Jordan tonight, remember?

Jordan.

You ain't no better than the rest of us.
Got it?

Your shit just ain't caught you yet.

Everything okay here, fellas?

Cool as a fuckin' fan, cat.

What's goin' on?

Man, nothing. Just, you know, Q.

- I know. You can't change that fool.
- No. What you see is what you get.

At least he's honest, which is more
than I can say for most brothers.

You look nice, man.

Thanks.

You are so bad.

You got a nice smile. Here's my card.

Hey, Quentin.

May I use your phone?

- Who you callin'?
- Shelby.

- Hell, no.
- Excuse me?

I said no, man.

You can't be lettin' her know
your every move. That's played.

- Sometimes you are such an a-hole.
- Well, she's...

Don't you dare.

Come on. You know you don't like
the way she be carrying you.

None of us like it.
It's time for you to just stand up...

...grow some balls and be a man.

Look, all I'm trying to say is...

...I don't want to see you walkin'
around moping tonight.

It's a bachelor party.
I want to see you have fun, get loose.

Get you a little booty or something.

Then don't even go home to her.

Now you're talkin' crazy.

Trust me.

It works.

You're a family man.

The press loves you.
They'll be dying to see this.

No. This is not a media event.
It's our wedding day. Can you understand?

It's one camera.

Jordan, some things are just sacred,
like between a man and a woman...

I'm sorry. You wouldn't
know nothin' about that.

- Easy, you two.
- My mind's made up. It ain't happening.

- I'm sorry. He's just stressed.
- It's all...

Baby.

What?

Hey, you.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Everything's great.

Okay. Look at these two.
Ain't they disgusting?

Yeah.

- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah.

- Quentin, can I have a little time?
- Yes, you can.

Why didn't you call me
and tell me how the tuxedos fit?

- Quentin's phone wasn't working, so...
- You guys are wearing Boss?

You couldn't wear an American cut.
It does nothing for your frame.

While we're on the subject,
are you taking the job at the firm?

How was that on the subject?

Hugo Boss. Prestigious law firm.

Need I say more?

Shelby, I just don't know.

You cannot keep babysitting
these ghetto children forever.

- You've got to get a real job.
- I do not want to talk about this now.

I am not going to talk about this right now.

Nice.

Why did you have to say
anything to her at all?

Because I...

I was curious.

You were curious?

That's cute. You were curious.

Jesus Christ.

Sorry.

There's something else I want to tell you.

What? Just a little less dramatic,
please, this time. For me.

I wanna make love to you tonight.

I feel like...

...our opportunity
has presented itself again.

And I don't want us
to miss out on it twice.

Look, I know this is a bit much, but...

...I was just hoping that you would say yes.

How do you expect me to react
to something like this?

I know. I don't even really know
what I expect right now, but...

...I know what I want.

And what I need.

Let's just have our night and we'll see.

You know?

Robin is coming tomorrow.

You know, you don't have to...

You don't have to decide right now. You...

...think about it.

Smack that ass!

I'd like to thank you all
for coming to share this time with us.

We are so overjoyed that so many of you...

...have come from all over
to be here this weekend.

I am so in love with this man.

I wish I could take sole credit
for being swept off my feet...

...but Lance certainly played
a major part in that.

And that new contract didn't hurt, either.

Just kidding.

Yeah, right.

Seriously, none of this would be possible
if it wasn't for...

...our friend, our counselor...

...the best man, Harper Stewart.

We love you, Harper.

L-Boogie, what's up, baby?

I've been thinkin'.

Listening to Mia, and reading your book
has really made me think, you know?

- Yeah?
- Yeah. I realized something.

I owe you a lot, man.

Mia's right. You kept us together, dog.

- There ain't no need to...
- You could have dogged me out to Mia.

I know how close you two are.

I know sometimes you felt
I didn't deserve her.

Who am I to judge?

Harp, you're everything, man.
I just want to thank you.

And I promise you, I'm gonna make
her happy. I'm gonna be faithful to her.

Well, good.

Man, I can't believe it.
You are getting married.

You know, the ultimate step.

- How do you...
- Harp, I have to, man.

I may be strong in mind and body,
but emotionally I'm weak.

I need Mia in my life.
She's the one who makes me whole.

She's my Earth. She's my queen.

Man, I am so far from that.

I mean, Robin is great.

But is she the woman
I'm supposed to grow old with?

Here I am.
I'm just startin' to come into my own.

And I'm just supposed to commit to her?
Do I know how to commit?

- You committed to that book.
- Man, no. No.

Those were on my own terms. All right?
I had sole control.

- Lance, you don't understand.
- No, I do understand.

Let me tell you something.
And I'm not afraid.

I made God a promise that if He ever
gave me another chance with Mia...

...I would do right by her.

She has forgiven me for
all my indiscretions, man. It's amazing.

So, if she ever slept with somebody else...

What?

I'd just have to deal with it.

I wouldn't even question her about it.

All because of your faith in God?

Lance, I have to say something to you.

What's up, dog?

Damn! Who locked... Open the door!

- Uncle Skeeter, what's happening?
- Man, there are some fine gals in there.

Lord have mercy!

- Why do you want to get married?
- I'm getting married once.

I won't have five alimony payments
like your broke ass.

I ain't too old to whip your butt.
I ever tell you about Vietnam?

- I'm gonna go eat.
- I don't blame you. Get your grub on.

Uncle Skeeter.

Oh, yo, you!

What was that you wanted to tell me?

Oh, nothing. Just congratulations.

Thanks. I love you, man.

Look here. I don't want you talkin',
lookin', nothin' with the women.

So are you gonna come over after
all that lap dancing and drinking and stuff?

Sorry.

Yeah, I'm gonna call you
when I get back to my crib.

Look, don't have me
waiting all night, okay?

Because this is our night, and I feel it.
And I know you feel it, too.

- Jordan, girl, come on.
- I'm coming.

And I hope you wore those boxers I like.

You have no idea the amount of ignorant
mess we're about to get into now.

- Lead the way, dog.
- He got the key. Don't you?

- That's right, yeah.
- Good.

- You don't care how I feel.
- Of course I care.

Are you going to
this juvenile bachelor party?

Of course I am. And it's not juvenile.

Come on. You know your
"boys from the hood" would fit right in.

You really need to stop talking
about my kids like that.

You need to stay with me tonight.

There's some unresolved issues
between us.

We should tackle them now
rather than give them time to fester.

- I'm not gonna do that.
- What am I supposed to do...

...while you're out doing God knows what
with some low-class hoochie mamas?

That's not really my problem.

It's not your problem?

All right, fine. Go.

Go to your stupid, little boys-only,
bachelor, "rauncherama" shindig.

I don't care. Just go.

Go!

All right.

Fine.

See you in the morning.

Murch! Murch!

Let's get our freak on!

Gentlemen.

Welcome to paradise. Have fun.

Come here, dog.
I gotta give you something.

Damn. What a view.

- What's up, man?
- In all the madness, I almost forgot.

Best man's gotta carry the rings
and the vows.

Check that out, dog. Five-K platinum.

- It's nice, man.
- Gold is played.

- Put that away for me.
- Yeah.

- All right, let's get our drink on.
- Cool.

I gotta go drain the main vein.

- Hurry up.
- Catch up with you.

Let's get our drink on!

You're being irrational. I know it's loud.
There's not one hoochie mama...

Shelby, there's not!

Don't hang up again. What are you doing?

- I'm in this...
- Just drink.

Hit me one more time.

- So you about to do your thing tonight?
- Man.

Go ahead on, be a dog, dog.

To that fat-ass contract I just got.

And that phat-ass bride-to-be I got!

Money and phat-asses, all right!

I like you.

It's on like popcorn!

We've got some high-paid niggers up
in here tonight.

- Let me be your cowboy, girl!
- Let's get the party started.

Wait, this my seat? All this for me?

It's all for you. They all Zestily clean...

...so get ready to do something fresh
and exciting.

- Is this the unlucky man?
- The one they call L-Boogie?

- That would be me, ladies.
- That's him.

Murch! Wake up, Murch.
You're missing a good show.

Ass soft as drugstore cotton.

Motherfucker goin' ape for that shit.

- You like this, Harp?
- Yeah!

Damn! I found this girl working
in the post office licking stamps.

Come here, girl.

That's my girl!

Damn.

- So little time, so much ass!
- Chomp that chocolate ass, Lance.

They're really nice,
but I have someone I want you to meet.

That is my best man, Mr. Harper Stewart.

- Right here.
- Mr. Harper, are you ready for this?

Bite that ass.

Who's next?

Yeah, baby!

He's mine, girl.

Get that money, girl.

The party's not over!

We got more for you.

Fandango, that's me...

...and Sweet Cheeks are about to bring you
somethin' luscious and sugary.

So allow me to introduce
the flavor we call Candy!

Okay, she's with it.

Watch out now, Wayne.

Oh, man!

Good thing his shirt is out
of his pants like that.

Oh, my God.

Go get him, Candy!

- Don't be scared, Murch! Calm down!
- Bite it, Murch!

Come on, daddy. Pump Candy.

Don't be afraid. Let's go, Murch!
What's up, dog?

Yo, Murch, we got Shelby
on the phone for you.

Do you love me?

Oh, yeah, daddy. Candy loves you.

Shelby who?

- Go get him, girl.
- Man!

Oh, man. I'm jealous.

But what about your boy, Murch?

Grabbed the old girl
like a 5 year old grabs his mama.

Yeah. He overdid it tonight.

Why don't you order up coffee
and make him drink it?

- I got your back.
- All right, man.

Candy, come on, girl!
It's time to go get our eat on at IHOP.

- I'm coming! Hold on.
- Would you hurry up? Damn!

I told you about hiring those college girls.

What? I told you to shut up, didn't I?

Sit your ass in the back...
Girl, I'll bite it, as hungry as I am.

I don't mean to bother you. I really don't.

I just thought we had a connection
back there, is all.

Look, baby, it just kind of goes
with the job, you know?

Provide the fantasy. That's the business.
And I keep my personal life very separate.

Oh, right. You have to.

You have to.

- Please forgive me. Your show was great.
- Thank you.

"'Cause if you didn't define yourself
for yourself...

"...you'd be crunched
into other people's fantasies of you and...

"...eaten alive."

What did you say?

It's just a quote I use
to inspire my students.

Audre Lorde. I know.

Yeah.

Me?

No. You just don't go to sleep.

Yeah, I'm gonna wake your ass up.

All right, I'm comin'.

Peace.

"Kacey had cried a river
on Jackson's shoulder that night.

"Not only were the rumored exploits
of The Ebony Humper...

"...becoming too commonplace
for her to handle...

"...but she'd also had her fill
of false paternity suits...

"...and the groupies' crank phone calls.

"Sure, Brian meant the world to her...

"...but she wasn't gonna play the fool
any longer.

"She wanted revenge.

"The sweetest payback
for his random indiscretions...

"...would be a personal one of her own.

"But how could Jackson be a part of that?

"What did he have to gain from that...

"...other than the guilt of betraying
the brotherhood he shared with Brian?"

"But he was responsible
for bringing them together...

"...and thus accountable for her misery.

"Nevertheless,
Jackson resisted temptation...

"...and ignored the desire
screaming within."

L? I'm about to be out.

Oh, L.

I'm about to blow her back out!

She don't even know.

She does not know. God.

Where's that book?

"Kaceyjust wanted to be held.
And Jackson had to oblige her.

"So they cuddled...

"...and though this boundary
probably shouldn't have been crossed...

"...their bond was made stronger
that night.

"He was there for her,
and she was comforted.

"As she slept in his arms,
beautiful and angelic...

"...Jackson sealed the innocent evening
with a kiss to her frontal lobe."

Book? Negative.

Smile, daddy, it's a bachelor party.

You fucked Mia!

Oh, shit!

What the fuck you doin'?

It's a fight!

What you doin', man? Shit!
It's just a book! Chill, man.

No, no, no!

- Watch out, watch out.
- You gonna hurt that kid.

"Kissed on the frontal lobe"?
I know what that fucking shit means!

You supposed to be my boy, motherfucker!

Get up, bro.

- Oh, my God!
- What's the matter?

Oh, my God!

That fool about to fall.

Oh, my God!

Don't leave, okay?

I'll get you home. I'll pay for your time.
Just don't leave.

- You're reading too far...
- I know how to read between the lines.

- Oh, my God!
- Now you want God. Ain't that a bitch?

Yo, L, baby.

- Tell him.
- What you want, man?

Please.

- You really gonna do this?
- Hell, yeah.

No, you ain't.

You're gonna marry
a beautiful woman tomorrow.

A girl that loves you,
and that has only loved you.

Oh, my God.

- You ain't throwing all that away.
- He's right.

- Listen to Q, Lance.
- Shut the fuck up!

Okay.

Listen, man.
We know that Harper's a bitch-ass...

...but this cat is your man, hundred grand.

He wouldn't do that to you.
Karma don't come back that strong.

He's right. Q wouldn't lie.

Even about you bein' a bitch-ass?

Especially about me bein' a bitch-ass.
Especially that.

God don't want this, L.

He don't want this. Pull him up.

Pull him up.

Damn.

The motherfuckin' wedding is off.

Get the fuck out of here.

- Please, please, Lance.
- Go to hell, man.

Go to fuckin' hell.

Lance.

Harper, what happened?

Damn!

Just a second.

Jordan, Jordan.

All right, girlfriend, get it together.

You are really destroying the groove
up in here.

Sorry.

You look nice.

Gee, thanks.

- So Lance figured it out, didn't he?
- Yeah.

He figured it out, promptly beat my ass...

...and called off the wedding.

What?

Yeah.

Was he serious?

I don't know. Well, he was drunk.

I don't know.

- Do you want me to get you anything?
- You've done enough.

You don't seem to understand something.

They would be in marital bliss by the time
the book was supposed to come out.

But thanks to you, "Miss I Want
An Exclusive," I got my ass whupped.

I almost got thrown from a fucking building
because of your ass.

So thank you, Jordan. Thank you!

And what the fuck is that smell?

You got some nerve,
blaming me for your skeletons, mister.

- Jordan.
- I'm not done. You wrote the book.

You aired your dirty laundry.
Though you tried to disguise it, it was you!

You got me all fired up
saying that my life was empty...

...and we could've been great together.

- That was you, okay? Not me. You.
- Okay.

Okay. I'm sorry.

I know we're both a little emotional here.

I'm sorry.

We're peas in a pod, remember?

You know, maybe if I had the luxury
of getting my ass whupped...

...I could be calm right now.

But I have been drinking tequila shots.

My hormones are raging out of control.

I'm emotional! I'm horny! And I don't
want to hear about no goddamn peas!

Fuck you! Good night!

How about that?

Can we at least hold each other?

Welcome to New York La Guardia Airport.

Baggage claim and ground transportation
are located on the lower level.

Good morning! You look so handsome.

Don't worry. I'm not wearing this.

I didn't want to get my dress wrinkled
on the plane.

You think I can change at the church?

- Yeah. What is it? Yeah.
- Are you all right?

- Yeah, I'm cool.
- Let's get going.

I sat next to the cutest little girl
on the plane.

She was just talking my ear off.

And she sang me this song. I can't...

Harper, come on.

Harper, what's wrong with you?

What's wrong, baby?

Harper.

It's okay.

Come on, baby. Come on, get up.

Tell me what happened. It's all right.

Did you sleep with her?

No.

But you were going to. You wanted to.

I am so disappointed in you.

I know you feel like shit now,
but I'm not gonna lie to you.

You compromised yourself,
our relationship and Lance and Mia's.

I know.

I'm glad you told me.

At least now I know
where I stand with you.

- No, baby. You know that is not true.
- Don't!

I may not be perfect, but I'm strong.

I hope you can make this right.
The wedding starts soon.

How?

I've been lookin' all over for Lance,
and I cannot find him.

And even if I was to find him,
how do I convince him to get married?

I don't know. That's your bag.
I have a plane to catch.

Wait, Robin. What are you doing?

- Get off me!
- I need you!

I cannot do this alone.

Please don't leave me now.

Okay, I'll go with you.

I want to see what's been holding you back
from me all this time.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome. Come on.

Oh, man.

Handle your business, baby. Handle it.

Shelby, I have something...

Julian, before you say anything,
I just want you to know that I forgive you.

- You do?
- Yes.

I know now that you were just succumbing
to that testosterone peer pressure.

You wanted to be with me last night
and it ate you up that you couldn't.

It just made sense that
you should continue to suffer...

...and think about the jeopardy
you put our relationship through...

...rather than let you have your way.

- I have...
- We're out of time.

I'm sure it can wait until the reception.

You better get inside.

Candace! I'm so glad you could make it.

You look great.

Candace, this is Shelby.

Shelby, Candace.

It's nice to meet you. How are you doing?

I'm so sure.

So, shall I just sit anywhere?

Sure, yeah.

Okay. Thanks, Julian.

No, thank you.

Who was that pop tart?

Shelby, it's over.

I am not the man for you.
And you are not the woman for me.

So let's just stop fooling ourselves.

I hope you find what you're looking for,
because that's what I plan to do.

I have to go. 'Bye, Shelby.

Don't you think you oughta pick that up?

What?

Your bottom jaw.

Q. 'Morning, Shelby.

- Go to hell!
- I'll probably see you there.

Where's Lance?

I was just gonna ask you the same thing.

- I'm sorry. Robin, Quentin.
- How you doin'?

Hi.

- Hi. You must be Robin.
- Hi. My pleasure.

This is Murch.

- This idiot don't know where Lance is.
- What?

That's not good. Not good at all.
What are we gonna do?

- I don't know.
- Something?

You're not helping.

- You need to figure something out.
- I'm under stress here.

It's your fault that all this happened.

What have you been doin'?

Lance. Lance! Hey!

I told you the wedding is off.
I came to tell my parents that I'm out.

- You ain't doin' that.
- That bullshit ain't working today.

- Lance, brother. This isn't...
- Why are you even here?

You got nothing to say to me.

Yo, L.

He wouldn't even look at me.

- Yeah, but you have to make him!
- How am I gonna make him?

I don't know. Divine intervention.
I don't know!

Just get in there. Be creative.

- Divine intervention.
- Hey, you can do this.

You have to.

Go.

Don't do this. You don't wanna do this.
You just need to breathe, relax.

- Lance, hold on, man.
- Will you hold up?

Please don't do this.

Mama, Daddy, I got something
I gotta tell you.

Wait! Lance, wait.
I gotta tell you somethin'.

Lance! Pray!

Wait for a second.

What'd you say?

Pray. Pray.

You want me to beat you
down again, man?

Pray with me, brother.

What? What?

What is it? What is it?

I should've worn my diamonds.

No, the pearls are perfect.
You look beautiful.

- Lord, did I order the right food?
- Yes.

Something's gonna go wrong.

Hi.

Hi, Mia.

I'm Robin, Harper's girlfriend.

Oh, Robin, yes! Hi!

- How are you, my sister?
- I'm fine, but are you all right?

Because you really look beautiful.

Thank you. I'm fine.

I got jitters.

I mean, I know it sounds silly...

...but if this day isn't perfect...

Mia!

Honey, I have something
that I need to tell you.

And I think that you might want
to sit down for this.

What is it?

Sometimes I'm really nosy
and I let my job consume me...

...and I don't think sometimes.

And I know that this whole thing
is probably really my fault.

Baby, you are scaring me.

Right. It's Lance.

- The thing is...
- He's running late.

- I'm Robin. Nice to meet you.
- Hi.

- Running late?
- Great.

Yeah. That's what I came in here
to tell you. He's running a little late.

But he's here now. Right, Kendall?

I mean, Jordan.

He's here. We're just trying to make sure...

And he knows how important
this day is for you.

Harper told me about last night.
They got a little wild at the bachelor party.

Girl, please, spare me the details.

I'm sure they were on their best behavior.
I'm sure of it.

So we just have a little C.P. Time for now.

Yeah. C.P.

Okay.

But they'll wait for you.

Yeah, they'll wait for me. It's my day.

It's all good.

What scripture, man?

How about Exodus 20:14?

Exodus 20:14. Cool.

"Thou shalt not..."

"Thou shalt not commit adultery."

- Damn.
- What's he readin'?

Look, man, I'm just trying to stop you
from making a big mistake.

- By running up in my woman?
- Is that what you want to hear?

- I wanna hear the truth.
- You don't want the...

All you want to hear is that
you're an amazing running back...

...and that your wife-to-be is perfect.

When the truth is, you could actually use
some work on your lateral moves and...

...your short yardage.

And a long, long time ago...

...Mia slept with your best man.

I could've killed you last night.
You know that? I still could right now.

You could, man,
but it wouldn't change anything.

I made a terrible, terrible mistake.

And I'm sorry, man.

- I would give you my right arm...
- Fuck that.

You said yesterday
that you would forgive her.

- So you calling me a hypocrite?
- You're not being realistic.

This isn't the Bible. This is the real world.

And Mia is as close to perfection
as you're gonna get.

I guess you got all the answers.
Everything is so fucking logical to you.

Come on. You're in a church.

The answers are fucked wherever you are!
You can't control me.

I'm not one of your little characters
in one of your little stories, man!

You can't control this outcome.
You know why? Because you are not God.

- That's reality, motherfucker!
- Listen to reason.

I knew.

I always knew in the back of my mind
that she had been with somebody else.

But never in a million lifetimes
would I think...

...that you was gonna be that self-serving,
back-stabbing bastard.

You can hate me forever.

But not Mia.

She loves you so much.

Man, you're staring your ideal woman
in the face.

You two were made for each other.

You two fit together.

She's my Earth.

She's my queen.

I know.

Okay, I'm gonna go get your tux.

Wait a minute.

I'm a Christian so I have to forgive you,
but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Okay.

You better find a way to deal
with your issues, too.

Writing is not gonna purge you completely,
so I suggest that you acknowledge Him.

Him who?

Okay.

I feel you, but if I don't get you
into this tux...

You said you'd get me over that broom.
Remember?

- I remember.
- Then don't back out on me.

You recognize His strength. You respect it.

Recognize. Respect.

Okay.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered
here today in the sight of God...

"...to join this man and this woman
in holy matrimony."

The couple have written
their own wedding vows...

...that they'll speak to each other,
and in front of you...

...their family and dear friends.

Mia?

"Lance, my friend...

"...my love, my hero...

"...loving you is my heart's joy.

"It teaches me to be faithful
to my personal truths.

"As I stand beside you this day...

"...I offer you the very heart of me...

"...filled with sacred love...

"...pure, unconditional and everlasting.

"For love bears all things...

"...endures all things
and believes all things.

"Love never fails.

"And I do love you, Lance...

"...mind, body and soul."

"Mia...

"...my darling, my love...

"...as I stand beside you this day...

"...know that there is nothing greater
than love.

"For God is love.

"And having faith in you...

"...and belief in our love...

"...makes life worth living.

"And as I stare...

"As I stare upon your angelic face...

"...I am made whole today,
a man with a higher purpose.

"For a woman's virtue
is a man's greatest glory.

"From this day forth...

"...we should love one another
as God loves us."

The rings, please.

"By the power vested in me,
I now pronounce you...

"...husband and wife."

Please, kiss your bride.

Mia gave me too much credit
for this union.

I have learned from them...

...what it means to be truly committed
to another person.

I have learned the importance...

...of seizing the moment.

Because you can't go back.

You can never go back.
You have to live for today.

Not for what was, or could have been.

And what will be...

...no one can say.

But sometimes...

...you just have to step out on faith.

And believe that...

...what you have built together
is worth preserving.

Because when you're made
for each other as much...

...as these two are...

...it's definitely...

...definitely worth preserving.

So, to the bride and groom.

Lance and Mia...

...I love you.

And may God bless this union.

Cheers.

Bravo, baby.

Okay, ladies, who's ready
to catch the bouquet?

Single females, on the floor. Let's go.

Mia, are you ready?

Okay, here we go.

Bitch.

Thanks, Mia.

- All right. You know what comes next.
- Go get your girl.

Come on out, y'all.

- Q, you know you want to.
- What?

Uncle Skeeter, you don't need
to catch this. Sit your butt down.

Let's see what happens.
Just throw. You never know.

I did not!

I'm gettin' you.

Cut it out.

Quit acting like you don't like it.

You like it.

Say you like it.

Say you like it.

Stop it!

Don't let her get away, dog.

- Go get her, Q.
- That's scary.

- I think we have to dance. Care to dance?
- Yes, I'd love to.

Quentin better be careful
before Shelby puts a hurtin' on him.

Yeah.

Dance with me?

You know...

I just want to talk to you.

Cut a rug with a war vet, darling?

Sure, Uncle Skeeter.

Come on.

It's been a crazy-ass,
emotional weekend, hasn't it?

Damn roller-coaster ride.

Listen, about last night, Jordan.

I don't want to hear about last night.
If I hear you mention last night...

...l'm gonna call the Enquirer
and tell them everything I know.

So it's like that?

Okay, I hear you loud and clear,
Miss Armstrong. Thank you.

You're welcome.

I saw you grabbin' for that garter.

You know what?

I don't blame you.

She's a beautiful woman.

She's the one.

Just don't blow it.

I love you, Harper.

Excuse me, Robin,
I don't mean to interrupt...

...but Uncle Skeeter
did promise me a dance.

Seeing he's the only available man
in the whole wedding party, I was just...

Come on, baby girl.
You don't mind, do you, darling?

No, not at all.

And besides I think the best man
over there needs you.

Come on, Uncle Skeeter.
Don't be tryin' to touch my booty.

No, no.

Thank you for helping me today.

You're welcome.

Great speech.

- I was moved.
- You know I meant every word...

...every word I said about
preserving what we have, and...

I don't think that this is the right time.

We have a lot to talk about
and it's not gonna be solved overnight.

- We have to figure out some...
- You know what your problem is?

You don't live enough for today.

What?

For once, just live in the moment.

Harper, what are you doing?

At least for a little while.

Robin...

...will you marry me?

I love you.

Please.

Yeah.

Whatever, man.

Come and get it goin' on, y'all.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Housekeeping.

- Damn! I shouldn't have drank!
- What did I do?

I ain't drinkin' no more liquor!

Did you touch me?