Original subtitles

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks make it worse,

stop what you're doing immediately!

Brooke: The following is a paid advertisement

for face paste blackhead remover.

My face is disgusting!

My skin is oily, my pores are clogged,

and my nose is so full of blackheads,

it looks like a prairie dog colony.

But what if I told you

there's a product guaranteed to get rid of blemishes?

And you already own a bottle.

Face paste combines the adhesive properties of plain white glue

with your face to create a cheap alternative

to expensive blackhead removal scrips.

Just apply face paste liberally to your problem area, then wait.

Once the face paste is dry,

all you have to do is peel it off.

Wow! Look at all those blackheads!

Face paste blackhead remover.

It looks weird, so do it in private.

Kevin: Tonight, on "hack my life"...

Happy birthday!

Brooke: Kev and I hit the streets

to see what you can score for free on your special day.

Kevin: She gets a free cookie?

-What? -Aah!

-No pool? No problem. -Yep.

Kevin: We try the newest trash trend sweeping the nation.

Whoo-hoo! Okay!

Brooke's got a lunch hack that'll piss off your coworkers.

Let's brew some fish.

Brooke: And find out why dog hair

is the must-have accessory of the spring.

You go, girl.

I'm going.

Kevin: Get ready...To jump for joy.

Mmm.

Brooke: "Hack my life" starts now.

Hacking isn't just about paper clips and rubber bands.

Happy birthday!

You know, it's not even close to my birthday, Kevin.

Ah, no, no. It's your birthday, and it's my birthday, too.

See, we're gonna see if we can leverage the fact

that we're turning a year older into some free stuff.

This is gaming the system, birthday edition.

Lots of major establishments have loyalty programs

that reward you with free stuff on your birthday.

You know, typically, you just sign up,

show them an I.D., and boom, complimentary gift.

But we want to see if we can get that special birthday treatment

any day of the year,

even at stores that don't have a birthday program.

Brooke: Here's how it's gonna work --

Kevin and I will visit various establishments

around New York City.

The plan is to convince the people working at these places

to let us have at least one item for free.

Kevin: First up, a local hot dog chain.

Okay, I got this. I got this.

-It's your birthday. -All right.

Let me do the talking on this one.

Hey, how you doing, man?

Uh, I'll take one hot dog for me,

but it's her special day.

It's her birthday, so what does she need to get?

-Chili cheese? -Chili cheese?

Like, you get it free

'cause it's your birthday kind of thing?

Like a free chili cheese hot dog?

Does she get free fries or a free soda?

Birthday side of fries?

-I think that was a yes. -Really?

I think that was a free birthday fries.

Uh-oh.

Look at her. She's glowing. It's her special day.

I think we're busted.

So, that's a no. Great.

[ Buzzer ]

Huge swing and a miss.

We tried to get free fries, and instead, we bought hot dogs?

He wanted to give me something for my birthday.

He wanted to so bad!

And the manager was like, "you will be fired immediately."

I'll save these for later, I guess.

Brooke: For hack #2, we're going to up the ante

with a little birthday flair

to see if it can get us free admission to a matinee.

Hi. How you doing?

Hey. How are you doing?

Doing very well.

Right? Like, it's my special day.

It is. I'm gonna do one adult.

I know. Yeah, fair enough.

Is it free ticket for birthday, or...?

Oh, you guys don't have that policy here?

Oh!

Oh! I thought I saw that on your website

that it was a free admission for a birthday, with a small drink.

Bummer.

Right? It should be.

We're gonna reconvene real quick.

We might have to go home and watch a vhs instead.

Just a second. Sorry about that.

[ Buzzer ]

She clearly got the message with the hat.

I think if we up the party flair, we make it happen.

Party on.

Kevin: For our last hack, we're going all in.

We're doubling down on the birthday flair,

and instead of having one person do the talking,

we're both going to shamelessly beg.

Brooke: Okay. Let's see if this works.

What are we celebrating -- your 21st?

Oh, my god. I'm actually 22. I hate to admit it.

[ Laughs ]

Nothing better for a delicious birthday treat

than to take you for some gelato.

Oh, this is so exciting.

This is our last chance to get a birthday freebie,

so we'd better make this work.

Hi. How you doing?

Is there, like, a special birthday menu or anything?

-Yeah. -Yeah!

She gets a free cookie?!

-Yeah? Yay! -Oh, whoa!

Okay. What do you want, birthday girl?

I'll take whatever you recommend.

I'm happy to take a small anything.

I'm getting, like, a free scoop of ice cream!

Thank you! I'm not gonna try to up us out here.

No. I kind of sense danger.

Like, off the bat.

-Amazing! -Look at how cute this is!

-Thank you so much. -Thank you. Thank you.

Pardon me.

[ Bell dings ]

It tastes delicious.

Tastes like success?

Mmm.

When people believe that it's your birthday,

they tend to throw an extra smile your way,

and they seem to like it.

So, at the end of the day, it never hurts to ask.

-It never hurts to ask. -Go ahead. Act as if.

You might be able to game the system.

Let's go try to get free birthday shots

to drown our sorrows.

-Okay. -All right.

It's my birthday.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Clattering ]

Work lunch can be the worst.

That's why today I'm gonna show you how to eat like a boss

in the amount of time it takes to brew a cup of Joe.

All you need is one of these -- a coffee maker.

[ Applause ]

All right, everyone, settle down.

Can we get back to work, please?

Today's office lunch special is a beautiful soy-glazed salmon

served with a side of steamed broccoli.

All you need to get started is a filter, a coffee maker,

and total disregard for your coworkers' sense of smell.

Let's brew some fish.

I'm gonna go ahead and drop the broccoli

in our steaming basket.

While the broccoli's brewing,

I'm gonna go ahead and season my salmon.

Don't overdo it,

because a lot of the soy sauce is going to come off

in the poaching liquid.

Just 'cause I always keep plastic gloves at the office.

[ Patting ]

Imagine this sound coming from a cubicle.

Ooh! That broccoli's looking good.

Okay. We've filled up our coffee maker again.

The broccoli is still in the basket, steaming,

and now, we're gonna put this fish fillet

inside our coffee pot.

I'm gonna set this back on the coffee maker

and brew for another cycle.

Oh! What's that? The smell of the salmon done?

Let's fish it out.

Just take in that beautiful poaching water.

Onto the plate we go.

Grab your broccoli.

Steamed to perfection.

Gourmet meal, anyone?

Audience: Ahh!

Sure, the whole office smells like fish and farts,

but who needs work friends when you've got hacks?

Kevin: Coming up...

-Kevin, meet Chloe. -Well, hi, Chloe!

We've got hacks to turn your unwanted pet hair...

We can make a whole fall line out of her.

...into high fashion.

Brooke: And learn how to throw a pool party without the pool.

Don't waste your money on spring break.

It's the trashy new way to stay cool

when the hack returns.

I'll get it.

♪♪

♪♪♪

Brooke: The following is a paid advertisement

for clippings catcher 9000.

Pitch man here

with an exclusive offer for all you fellas out there!

If you're like me, your bathroom is always covered in hair

after trimming your beard.

Introducing the clippings catcher 9000.

This amazing product may look like a regular apron,

but that's because itis

just wear it around your neck.

Then, using masking tape,

affix the bottom half to your mirror.

Now you're ready to get your groom on!

[ Razor buzzing ]

Oh, I feel lighter already!

Ow!

Wow! What a shave!

Best of all, to dispose of all that unwanted hair,

all I have to do is shake the clippings catcher 9000

into the nearest receptacle.

The clippings catcher 9000.

Finally, another use for your apron!

Brooke: Tape sold separately.

♪♪

We have a rich history on this show

of turning disgusting things into pools.

We started with a pickup truck.

We graduated to a dumpster.

This is the stupidest thing we've ever done.

So, when I saw photos of good folks

hacking pools out of garbage bags,

I knew I had to try it.

And that means you, contractually,

have to try it with me.

Yes, this is true.

This is hack or wack?

Who wouldn't want their own personal pool

made out of a garbage bag?

There are a lot of upsides -- cleanliness.

How about those maintenance bills?

Yeah.

So, what are we working with?

The contractor bags.

They're thick. You know what I'm saying?

Up to 3 mills.

And they also have something called a flat seal,

which means the seal's running along the side,

pushing the water up, instead of expanding out.

So, you, my friend,

are living life in your own personal pool.

So, how do we do this?

I think we get in a garbage bag and fill it with water.

Yeah. Yeah.

-Oh, beautiful. -Oh, yeah.

Let me just check that temperature real quick.

Oh, yeah! This is already looking like a thing.

Hey, kids, don't waste your money on spring break.

Okay, Brooke, why don't you jump in and test the water?

All right. Let's just live life.

This is a thing you're actually doing right now,

like a sexy hobo burrito.

[ Wolf whistle ]

I'm having trouble smiling.

Oh, yeah.

I feel like I'm being waterboarded.

[ Laughter ]

This is the saddest hip-hop music video shoot ever.

You know what? I think this is as full as it's gonna get,

and I should just sit in my filth.

Okay. Yeah. Go ahead and set it on down.

Get it low, shorty.

Okay. I'm gonna kneel.

Come on, sweetheart.

-Oh! Refreshing. -You got it. Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

It looks like jabba the hutt.

It's jabba, yeah. Jabba Jr.

Oh, yeah. Party of one.

I'm gonna go for a little swim.

You can't. It turns out you can't.

Uh-oh.

I'm gonna see if I can just sit.

Oh! Whoo-hoo! Okay!

Oh! I sprung a leak. Oh, no.

Have a throw!

I'll get it.

Wait. I'm gonna race you.

Game on!

Service.

[ Laughs ]

All right. I'm getting pruny.

I think it's about time we call this.

Well, as much as it looks like

Kevin and I do this stuff for fun,

we're gonna take it to a vote

and see if the personal pool made out of a garbage bag

is hack or wack?

Yeah. Let's take it to a vote, Brooke.

Why don't you go first?

Okay. Well, seeing as my personal pool has sprung a leak,

I think I'm gonna call this wack.

What are your thoughts on this personal pool?

It's wack.

Come on!

This is really stupid.

[ Buzzer ]

Maybe I'm not giving it a fair shake.

Maybe yours is a little better than mine.

Could I hop in your pool?

-Oh, come -- plenty of room. -Pool's open!

-Start with the shallow end. -Okay.

Okay. Yep.

Good to -- happy season 3.

Okay. All right. Hold on!

I'm kind of sitting on your junk. I want out.

Yes, I know! I'm trying to move.

Don't break it.

You break it, you buy it.

Kevin: Sometimes, a household item is so useful,

it ascends into the pantheon of great hacking tools.

Today, we celebrate one that's truly become a hack all-star --

the plastic bag.

Tree huggers may want you to switch to reusable totes,

but these plastic sacks can be repurposed

and recycled into hacks.

Did fido turn your kid's favorite stuffed animal

into a dog toy?

Use plastic bags as replacement stuffing,

and fatten that fuzzy friend back to its original size.

[ Whispering ] All-star.

Winter weather in the forecast?

Beat that cold snap in a snap with plastic bags.

Tie one around each of your car's rearview mirrors

to avoid having to scrape the ice off in the morning.

[ Whispering ] All-star.

And speaking of icing -- cake!

Want your next confection to look exceptional?

Place some frosting in the corner of a plastic bag,

snip the end,

and pipe to your heart's content.

Hello, H.R.?

Looks like someone just got promoted to cake boss.

[ Whispering ] All-star.

You know that cabinet in your kitchen

full of hundreds of plastic bags you're keeping for some reason?

Cut them into strips,

knot the ends together, and then braid.

Congratulations! You just hacked yourself a jump rope.

Now go outside and get your double-Dutch on.

[ Whispering ] All-star.

Protect your toys on dangerous missions.

Attach a plastic bag to an action figure

to create a mini functional parachute.

Godspeed, little man.

[ Whispering ] All-star.

Congratulations, plastic bag.

When it comes to the age-old question of paper or plastic,

we know there's only one right answer.

You truly are a hack all-star.

Brooke: Coming up...

A hack master gives new meaning to "hair of the dog."

Adopt, don't shop.

And then turn them into a turtleneck.

Kevin: Plus, we reveal

a garment from grandma you might actually wear.

Or not.

♪♪

Brooke: The following is a paid advertisement

for bowl blaster bubble solution.

The ad wizards behind cleaning products have you brainwashed.

They say the only way to keep your toilet bowl clean

is with pricy bleaches and fancy scrubbers.

[ Cat yowls ]

Introducing bowl blaster bubble solution,

a revolutionary cleaner

that unlocks the whitening power of soda.

Just grab bowl blaster bubble solution from the fridge,

pour the solution into your toilet,

and let bowl blaster's carbonated bubbles

work their magic.

Mmm.

After a minute, give it a flush.

Voilà!

You'll be bowled over by how bright your porcelain looks.

Ahh!

♪♪

If you've got pets,

there's a good chance you've got pet hair,

like everywhere.

And that can be a real nuisance.

Or it can be magnificent!

That's why I'm joined by hack master jeanie sanke.

She's gonna show us how to turn pet hair into high fashion.

♪♪

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

You go, girl.

I'm going.

This is hack masters.

Jeanie, you own knit your dog...

I do.

...which is a company that turns

what some people would say is unwanted fur into fashion.

Oh, yes. Absolutely.

I never wanted to waste the stuff,

and then, about 25 years ago,

I saw a woman on TV talking about a book she'd written

about knitting with dog hair, and I thought, "Eureka!"

Jeanie, I see brushes.

We're gonna need some fur.

-Kevin, meet Chloe. -Well, hi, Chloe!

She is one of my chow chows.

Okay. I think we found the source of our raw material.

We can make a whole fall line out of her.

Yes, you can.

So, step 1 I get. Big, furry dog.

Step 2 is, brush the dog?

What we're gonna be looking for here

is the woolly stuff underneath.

This is the undercoat.

So, these are slicker brushes.

You see they have these little, tiny wires in them.

And they go way down, and they get in the coat.

-Really brush. -I'm gonna get in there.

Chloe, sweetheart, I want you to guide me.

Chloe, if you understand what I'm saying,

stare blankly into the distance.

Is Chloe in, like, a special place right now

because she is angry and wants to maul me?

If she doesn't like it, she'll let you know.

Do you love me, Chloe?

Whisper me a poem in your sweet, dog-like way.

You see, now you've got this whole big thing, okay?

So, I've got about a week's worth of brushings

from Chloe here.

Oh, Chloe, you've been busy, girl.

This will just go into kind of a tepid water,

and you just use a little dog shampoo.

And it doesn't take too much,

depending on how dirty the dog is.

This is some of Chloe's hair, already washed and dried.

Cheapo slicker brushes from the big-box pet store.

Just like you brushed it off of the dog,

you're gonna brush it off of the second brush.

And it's gonna align those fibers.

Okay, so we've got some wool, we've aligned all the fibers,

but how do we get from wool to sweater or scarf or chaps?

This has to be spun into yarn,

and for that you use a spinning wheel or a drop spindle,

which does everything a spinning wheel does, just slower.

So, we're ready, just like any good dubstep anthem,

for the drop? The drop spindle.

♪♪

Do we need a clean workspace for the drop spindle?

Yeah, Chloe doesn't need to be here for this.

That's your 15 minutes are up, sweetheart.

That is a wrap on Chloe.

-So, that is the drop spindle. -It is.

You start with a piece of string or yarn that you already have,

and it doesn't matter what it looks like.

We're just gonna use this piece of yarn to start the process,

and when you spin, it's gonna twist it up.

You want to get this as thin as you can,

and you're just gonna continue to pull this out

without pulling it apart.

So, we take the fibers of Chloe's hair,

and then we spin them into thread?

Yeah. After you get a couple things full of this,

then you ply it.

And when that's done,

you have wool that can be knit, like anything.

That looks like anything I would see at a craft store.

It's actually really amazingly soft.

In terms of, again, resilience to the elements,

it stands up to a wool or any other material?

It's 50% warmer than sheep.

Chloe, you're a sweetheart. This is so gentle.

Well, I know you don't want to let go of her,

so we brought you a watch cap.

This is from Chloe to you.

That is amazing.

Go ahead.

Little piece of Chloe with me.

I cannot thank you enough for my delightful gift.

You and Chloe are both absolute angels.

And I got to tell you,

jeanie sanke, you're a hack master.

Why, thank you, sir.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Kevin: Close your laptop

and throw your smartphone down a well.

Brooke: We're bringing the Internet's craziest hackers

to your TV.

It's worldwide hacks.

There are two things I love to talk about on the show --

pvc piping and dads.

Yeah, and it only took

about three years of scouring the Internet,

but we finally found a hack

that combines both of these things.

Behold the backyard roller coaster.

Boy: Oh, my gosh!

What do you think of that?

Joining us right now is coaster dad himself,

all-around hacker will pemble,

the greatest father in the world.

-How are you, will? -Hey, will.

Good to see you guys.

Big fan of your work.

Are you just trying to make all dads, like, pale in comparison?

Are you trying to put them all in your shadow?

Yeah.

Why a roller coaster?

The roller coaster was my son's idea, really.

It wasn't mine.

And Lyle just said to me one day, "you know it'd be great

if we had our own roller coaster in the backyard,"

and it took me all of 10 seconds

to decide that that was a wonderful idea.

And we got started on it right away.

How do you figure out how to even begin this process?

A couple of people before me have built roller coasters,

and so, we go online, you go look at videos.

I brought a little of my background is in aeronautics,

a little of my background is in computer engineering/hacking,

and I've always been a tinkerer.

Does your roller coaster have a name?

Of course it has a name. It's called the caution zone.

Oh, nerd alert.

[ Laughter ]

Like, shouldn't it be called, like, the vertebrae crusher,

you know, the disc slipper?

I'm just a crew, right?

I dig post holes. I build stuff.

I just follow the instructions of my offspring,

and now you, Brooke.

And then if, like, I don't know,

let's say someone had a very small patch of land

and they wanted a sweet roller coaster there,

what does one cost?

The roller coaster cost about $3,500 in materials,

and maybe 300 hours in labor.

3,500 bucks to have a roller coaster in your backyard?

My thinking about it, Kevin, is that if you can build

a 15-foot-long piece of roller coaster track for your kid,

to that kid, that's the biggest,

most amazing roller coaster in the world.

It's about time with dad.

It's about this amazing adventure,

and so that's what I'm in it for.

Will, will you be my father?

Yeah. I was like, "Kevin's in the market."

Absolutely.

Oh, yeah. Kevin's coming in for a quick...

Can I just -- thank you, will?

Oh, come here, sweetie.

[ Sobbing ] He called me sweetie!

I just want to be your son forever, will.

Thank you. I love you.

Okay, Brooke.

-Bye. -Tagging out.

Did he say it? Did he say he loved me, too?

I didn't hear it. Maybe there was buffering.

-I do love you, Kevin. -Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! This is better than any roller coaster!

It's an emotional roller coaster!

Brooke: Coming up, last-minute Booty call?

We get date-ready at the speed of hack

when we return.

Kevin: Sometimes, ordinary people do extraordinary things,

all in the name of hacking.

People like Margaret,

who was enjoying a visit from her granddaughter Jenny

when destiny Booty-called.

Granny mags doesn't mind a short visit

if it means a chance at great-grandkids.

But what's this?

Getting Jenny date ready in 15 minutes will take skills.

Good thing this nursing home ninja

is a hack hero!

Grandma mags tells all her friends at bridge club

that Jenny's a beautiful girl.

But tonight, her complexion could use a little color.

Good thing granny's got her trusty red lipstick!

Just a quick dab on the cheeks,

blend like a meal replacement shake,

and bam, improvised Rouge!

Jenny's face may look like a million bucks,

but even goodwill wouldn't want those jeans.

Have no fear. Granny is here...

With a scarf?!

Just fold it in half, wrap around the waist,

tuck in the end like a towel, and voilà!

It's a quick switch to a sassy skirt!

But if Jenny's really gonna shake what her grandma gave her,

she needs to do something with that boring shirt.

[ Ding! ]

Into the drawer and out with granny panties.

No, Margaret's not having one of her episodes.

By cutting out the crotch of those bloomers,

she turns elderly bottoms into a sexy crop top!

But mags worries her sweet grandbaby will catch a chill.

Granny's shawl is not on trend, but time is running out.

By tying the ends together to create a circle

and sliding Jenny's arms inside,

it transforms into a vest!

Nice work, grandma!

You truly are part of the greatest generation.

By now, Chad must be mere seconds away,

but Margaret's still got one hack to go --

prune juice!

It may not set the mood, but the high mineral content

breaks down excess sebum in the skin

and give Jenny a naturally golden glow.

Ah, like a raisin in the sun.

[ Horn honks ]

This mach 5 makeover is done, and not a moment too soon.

Cheers to you, Margaret!

You've also earned yourself a night of romance,

because you're a hack hero!

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