All language subtitles for Hack My Life s03e03 Pool Party of One.eng

Brooke: Life hacks are supposed
to make your life better.

Kevin: So if any of these hacks
make it worse,

stop what you're doing
immediately!

Brooke: The following
is a paid advertisement

for face paste
blackhead remover.

My face is disgusting!

My skin is oily,
my pores are clogged,

and my nose is so full
of blackheads,

it looks like
a prairie dog colony.

But what if I told you

there's a product guaranteed
to get rid of blemishes?

And you already own a bottle.

Face paste combines the adhesive
properties of plain white glue

with your face
to create a cheap alternative

to expensive
blackhead removal scrips.

Just apply face paste liberally
to your problem area, then wait.

Once the face paste is dry,

all you have to do
is peel it off.

Wow! Look at
all those blackheads!

Face paste blackhead remover.

It looks weird,
so do it in private.

Kevin:
Tonight, on "hack my life"...

Happy birthday!

Brooke:
Kev and I hit the streets

to see what you can score
for free on your special day.

Kevin:
She gets a free cookie?

-What?
-Aah!

-No pool? No problem.
-Yep.

Kevin: We try the newest
trash trend sweeping the nation.

Whoo-hoo! Okay!

Brooke's got a lunch hack
that'll piss off your coworkers.

Let's brew some fish.

Brooke:
And find out why dog hair

is the must-have accessory
of the spring.

You go, girl.

I'm going.

Kevin:
Get ready...To jump for joy.

Mmm.

Brooke:
"Hack my life" starts now.

Hacking isn't just about
paper clips and rubber bands.

Happy birthday!

You know, it's not even close
to my birthday, Kevin.

Ah, no, no. It's your birthday,
and it's my birthday, too.

See, we're gonna see
if we can leverage the fact

that we're turning a year older
into some free stuff.

This is gaming the system,
birthday edition.

Lots of major establishments
have loyalty programs

that reward you with free stuff
on your birthday.

You know, typically,
you just sign up,

show them an I.D.,
and boom, complimentary gift.

But we want to see if we can get
that special birthday treatment

any day of the year,

even at stores that don't have
a birthday program.

Brooke:
Here's how it's gonna work --

Kevin and I will visit
various establishments

around New York City.

The plan is to convince the
people working at these places

to let us have
at least one item for free.

Kevin:
First up, a local hot dog chain.

Okay, I got this.
I got this.

-It's your birthday.
-All right.

Let me do the talking
on this one.

Hey, how you doing, man?

Uh, I'll take one hot dog
for me,

but it's her special day.

It's her birthday,
so what does she need to get?

-Chili cheese?
-Chili cheese?

Like, you get it free

'cause it's your birthday
kind of thing?

Like a free
chili cheese hot dog?

Does she get free fries
or a free soda?

Birthday side of fries?

-I think that was a yes.
-Really?

I think that was
a free birthday fries.

Uh-oh.

Look at her. She's glowing.
It's her special day.

I think we're busted.

So, that's a no.
Great.

[ Buzzer ]

Huge swing and a miss.

We tried to get free fries,
and instead, we bought hot dogs?

He wanted to give me something
for my birthday.

He wanted to so bad!

And the manager was like,
"you will be fired immediately."

I'll save these for later,
I guess.

Brooke: For hack #2,
we're going to up the ante

with a little birthday flair

to see if it can get us
free admission to a matinee.

Hi. How you doing?

Hey.
How are you doing?

Doing very well.

Right?
Like, it's my special day.

It is.
I'm gonna do one adult.

I know.
Yeah, fair enough.

Is it free ticket for birthday,
or...?

Oh, you guys don't have
that policy here?

Oh!

Oh! I thought I saw that
on your website

that it was a free admission for
a birthday, with a small drink.

Bummer.

Right? It should be.

We're gonna reconvene
real quick.

We might have to go home
and watch a vhs instead.

Just a second.
Sorry about that.

[ Buzzer ]

She clearly got the message
with the hat.

I think if we up the party
flair, we make it happen.

Party on.

Kevin: For our last hack,
we're going all in.

We're doubling down
on the birthday flair,

and instead of having one person
do the talking,

we're both going to
shamelessly beg.

Brooke:
Okay. Let's see if this works.

What are we celebrating --
your 21st?

Oh, my god. I'm actually 22.
I hate to admit it.

[ Laughs ]

Nothing better
for a delicious birthday treat

than to take you
for some gelato.

Oh, this is so exciting.

This is our last chance
to get a birthday freebie,

so we'd better
make this work.

Hi. How you doing?

Is there, like, a special
birthday menu or anything?

-Yeah.
-Yeah!

She gets a free cookie?!

-Yeah? Yay!
-Oh, whoa!

Okay. What do you want,
birthday girl?

I'll take
whatever you recommend.

I'm happy to take
a small anything.

I'm getting, like,
a free scoop of ice cream!

Thank you! I'm not gonna try
to up us out here.

No.
I kind of sense danger.

Like, off the bat.

-Amazing!
-Look at how cute this is!

-Thank you so much.
-Thank you. Thank you.

Pardon me.

[ Bell dings ]

It tastes delicious.

Tastes like success?

Mmm.

When people believe
that it's your birthday,

they tend to throw
an extra smile your way,

and they seem to like it.

So, at the end of the day,
it never hurts to ask.

-It never hurts to ask.
-Go ahead. Act as if.

You might be able
to game the system.

Let's go try to get
free birthday shots

to drown our sorrows.

-Okay.
-All right.

It's my birthday.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Clattering ]

Work lunch can be the worst.

That's why today I'm gonna
show you how to eat like a boss

in the amount of time it takes
to brew a cup of Joe.

All you need is one of these --
a coffee maker.

[ Applause ]

All right, everyone,
settle down.

Can we get back to work, please?

Today's office lunch special
is a beautiful soy-glazed salmon

served with a side
of steamed broccoli.

All you need to get started
is a filter, a coffee maker,

and total disregard for
your coworkers' sense of smell.

Let's brew some fish.

I'm gonna go ahead
and drop the broccoli

in our steaming basket.

While the broccoli's brewing,

I'm gonna go ahead
and season my salmon.

Don't overdo it,

because a lot of the soy sauce
is going to come off

in the poaching liquid.

Just 'cause I always keep
plastic gloves at the office.

[ Patting ]

Imagine this sound
coming from a cubicle.

Ooh! That broccoli's
looking good.

Okay. We've filled up
our coffee maker again.

The broccoli is still
in the basket, steaming,

and now, we're gonna put
this fish fillet

inside our coffee pot.

I'm gonna set this
back on the coffee maker

and brew for another cycle.

Oh! What's that?
The smell of the salmon done?

Let's fish it out.

Just take in
that beautiful poaching water.

Onto the plate we go.

Grab your broccoli.

Steamed to perfection.

Gourmet meal, anyone?

Audience: Ahh!

Sure, the whole office
smells like fish and farts,

but who needs work friends
when you've got hacks?

Kevin: Coming up...

-Kevin, meet Chloe.
-Well, hi, Chloe!

We've got hacks to turn
your unwanted pet hair...

We can make a whole fall line
out of her.

...into high fashion.

Brooke: And learn how to throw
a pool party without the pool.

Don't waste your money
on spring break.

It's the trashy new way
to stay cool

when the hack returns.

I'll get it.

♪♪

♪♪♪

Brooke: The following
is a paid advertisement

for clippings catcher 9000.

Pitch man here

with an exclusive offer
for all you fellas out there!

If you're like me, your bathroom
is always covered in hair

after trimming your beard.

Introducing
the clippings catcher 9000.

This amazing product
may look like a regular apron,

but that's because
itis

just wear it around your neck.

Then, using masking tape,

affix the bottom half
to your mirror.

Now you're ready
to get your groom on!

[ Razor buzzing ]

Oh, I feel lighter already!

Ow!

Wow! What a shave!

Best of all, to dispose
of all that unwanted hair,

all I have to do is
shake the clippings catcher 9000

into the nearest receptacle.

The clippings catcher 9000.

Finally, another use
for your apron!

Brooke:
Tape sold separately.

♪♪

We have a rich history
on this show

of turning disgusting things
into pools.

We started
with a pickup truck.

We graduated
to a dumpster.

This is the stupidest thing
we've ever done.

So, when I saw photos
of good folks

hacking pools
out of garbage bags,

I knew I had to try it.

And that means you,
contractually,

have to try it with me.

Yes, this is true.

This is hack or wack?

Who wouldn't want
their own personal pool

made out of a garbage bag?

There are a lot of upsides --
cleanliness.

How about
those maintenance bills?

Yeah.

So, what are
we working with?

The contractor bags.

They're thick.
You know what I'm saying?

Up to 3 mills.

And they also have
something called a flat seal,

which means the seal's running
along the side,

pushing the water up,
instead of expanding out.

So, you, my friend,

are living life
in your own personal pool.

So, how do we do this?

I think we get in a garbage bag
and fill it with water.

Yeah. Yeah.

-Oh, beautiful.
-Oh, yeah.

Let me just check
that temperature real quick.

Oh, yeah! This is already
looking like a thing.

Hey, kids, don't waste
your money on spring break.

Okay, Brooke, why don't you
jump in and test the water?

All right.
Let's just live life.

This is a thing you're
actually doing right now,

like a sexy hobo burrito.

[ Wolf whistle ]

I'm having trouble smiling.

Oh, yeah.

I feel like
I'm being waterboarded.

[ Laughter ]

This is the saddest
hip-hop music video shoot ever.

You know what? I think this is
as full as it's gonna get,

and I should just sit
in my filth.

Okay. Yeah.
Go ahead and set it on down.

Get it low, shorty.

Okay. I'm gonna kneel.

Come on, sweetheart.

-Oh! Refreshing.
-You got it. Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

It looks like
jabba the hutt.

It's jabba, yeah.
Jabba Jr.

Oh, yeah. Party of one.

I'm gonna go
for a little swim.

You can't.
It turns out you can't.

Uh-oh.

I'm gonna see
if I can just sit.

Oh! Whoo-hoo! Okay!

Oh! I sprung a leak.
Oh, no.

Have a throw!

I'll get it.

Wait.
I'm gonna race you.

Game on!

Service.

[ Laughs ]

All right.
I'm getting pruny.

I think it's about time
we call this.

Well, as much
as it looks like

Kevin and I do this stuff
for fun,

we're gonna take it
to a vote

and see if the personal pool
made out of a garbage bag

is hack or wack?

Yeah. Let's take it to a vote,
Brooke.

Why don't you go first?

Okay. Well, seeing as my
personal pool has sprung a leak,

I think I'm gonna
call this wack.

What are your thoughts
on this personal pool?

It's wack.

Come on!

This is really stupid.

[ Buzzer ]

Maybe I'm not giving it
a fair shake.

Maybe yours is
a little better than mine.

Could I hop in your pool?

-Oh, come -- plenty of room.
-Pool's open!

-Start with the shallow end.
-Okay.

Okay. Yep.

Good to --
happy season 3.

Okay. All right.
Hold on!

I'm kind of sitting
on your junk. I want out.

Yes, I know!
I'm trying to move.

Don't break it.

You break it,
you buy it.

Kevin: Sometimes,
a household item is so useful,

it ascends into the pantheon
of great hacking tools.

Today, we celebrate one that's
truly become a hack all-star --

the plastic bag.

Tree huggers may want you
to switch to reusable totes,

but these plastic sacks
can be repurposed

and recycled into hacks.

Did fido turn your kid's
favorite stuffed animal

into a dog toy?

Use plastic bags
as replacement stuffing,

and fatten that fuzzy friend
back to its original size.

[ Whispering ] All-star.

Winter weather in the forecast?

Beat that cold snap
in a snap with plastic bags.

Tie one around each
of your car's rearview mirrors

to avoid having to scrape
the ice off in the morning.

[ Whispering ] All-star.

And speaking of icing -- cake!

Want your next confection
to look exceptional?

Place some frosting
in the corner of a plastic bag,

snip the end,

and pipe
to your heart's content.

Hello, H.R.?

Looks like someone
just got promoted to cake boss.

[ Whispering ] All-star.

You know that cabinet
in your kitchen

full of hundreds of plastic bags
you're keeping for some reason?

Cut them into strips,

knot the ends together,
and then braid.

Congratulations! You just hacked
yourself a jump rope.

Now go outside
and get your double-Dutch on.

[ Whispering ] All-star.

Protect your toys
on dangerous missions.

Attach a plastic bag
to an action figure

to create
a mini functional parachute.

Godspeed, little man.

[ Whispering ] All-star.

Congratulations, plastic bag.

When it comes to the age-old
question of paper or plastic,

we know there's only one
right answer.

You truly are a hack all-star.

Brooke: Coming up...

A hack master gives new meaning
to "hair of the dog."

Adopt, don't shop.

And then turn them
into a turtleneck.

Kevin: Plus, we reveal

a garment from grandma
you might actually wear.

Or not.

♪♪

Brooke: The following
is a paid advertisement

for bowl blaster
bubble solution.

The ad wizards behind cleaning
products have you brainwashed.

They say the only way
to keep your toilet bowl clean

is with pricy bleaches
and fancy scrubbers.

[ Cat yowls ]

Introducing
bowl blaster bubble solution,

a revolutionary cleaner

that unlocks
the whitening power of soda.

Just grab bowl blaster bubble
solution from the fridge,

pour the solution
into your toilet,

and let bowl blaster's
carbonated bubbles

work their magic.

Mmm.

After a minute, give it a flush.

Voilà!

You'll be bowled over by
how bright your porcelain looks.

Ahh!

♪♪

If you've got pets,

there's a good chance
you've got pet hair,

like everywhere.

And that can be a real nuisance.

Or it can be magnificent!

That's why I'm joined
by hack master jeanie sanke.

She's gonna show us how to turn
pet hair into high fashion.

♪♪

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

You go, girl.

I'm going.

This is hack masters.

Jeanie,
you own knit your dog...

I do.

...which is
a company that turns

what some people would say
is unwanted fur into fashion.

Oh, yes. Absolutely.

I never wanted to waste
the stuff,

and then,
about 25 years ago,

I saw a woman on TV talking
about a book she'd written

about knitting with dog hair,
and I thought, "Eureka!"

Jeanie, I see brushes.

We're gonna need some fur.

-Kevin, meet Chloe.
-Well, hi, Chloe!

She is
one of my chow chows.

Okay. I think we found
the source of our raw material.

We can make a whole fall line
out of her.

Yes, you can.

So, step 1 I get.
Big, furry dog.

Step 2 is,
brush the dog?

What we're gonna be
looking for here

is the woolly stuff
underneath.

This is the undercoat.

So, these are
slicker brushes.

You see they have these
little, tiny wires in them.

And they go way down,
and they get in the coat.

-Really brush.
-I'm gonna get in there.

Chloe, sweetheart,
I want you to guide me.

Chloe, if you understand
what I'm saying,

stare blankly
into the distance.

Is Chloe in, like,
a special place right now

because she is angry
and wants to maul me?

If she doesn't like it,
she'll let you know.

Do you love me, Chloe?

Whisper me a poem
in your sweet, dog-like way.

You see, now you've got
this whole big thing, okay?

So, I've got about
a week's worth of brushings

from Chloe here.

Oh, Chloe,
you've been busy, girl.

This will just go
into kind of a tepid water,

and you just use
a little dog shampoo.

And it doesn't take
too much,

depending on how dirty
the dog is.

This is some of Chloe's hair,
already washed and dried.

Cheapo slicker brushes
from the big-box pet store.

Just like you brushed it off
of the dog,

you're gonna brush it off
of the second brush.

And it's gonna align
those fibers.

Okay, so we've got some wool,
we've aligned all the fibers,

but how do we get from wool
to sweater or scarf or chaps?

This has to be spun
into yarn,

and for that you use a spinning
wheel or a drop spindle,

which does everything a spinning
wheel does, just slower.

So, we're ready, just like
any good dubstep anthem,

for the drop?
The drop spindle.

♪♪

Do we need a clean workspace
for the drop spindle?

Yeah, Chloe doesn't need
to be here for this.

That's your 15 minutes are up,
sweetheart.

That is a wrap on Chloe.

-So, that is the drop spindle.
-It is.

You start with a piece of string
or yarn that you already have,

and it doesn't matter
what it looks like.

We're just gonna use this piece
of yarn to start the process,

and when you spin,
it's gonna twist it up.

You want to get this
as thin as you can,

and you're just gonna continue
to pull this out

without pulling it apart.

So, we take the fibers
of Chloe's hair,

and then we spin them
into thread?

Yeah. After you get a couple
things full of this,

then you ply it.

And when that's done,

you have wool that can be knit,
like anything.

That looks like anything
I would see at a craft store.

It's actually
really amazingly soft.

In terms of, again,
resilience to the elements,

it stands up to a wool
or any other material?

It's 50% warmer than sheep.

Chloe, you're a sweetheart.
This is so gentle.

Well, I know you don't want to
let go of her,

so we brought you
a watch cap.

This is from Chloe to you.

That is amazing.

Go ahead.

Little piece of Chloe
with me.

I cannot thank you enough
for my delightful gift.

You and Chloe
are both absolute angels.

And I got to tell you,

jeanie sanke,
you're a hack master.

Why, thank you, sir.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Kevin: Close your laptop

and throw your smartphone
down a well.

Brooke: We're bringing
the Internet's craziest hackers

to your TV.

It's worldwide hacks.

There are two things I love
to talk about on the show --

pvc piping and dads.

Yeah, and it only took

about three years
of scouring the Internet,

but we finally found
a hack

that combines
both of these things.

Behold
the backyard roller coaster.

Boy: Oh, my gosh!

What do you think of that?

Joining us right now
is coaster dad himself,

all-around hacker
will pemble,

the greatest father
in the world.

-How are you, will?
-Hey, will.

Good to see you guys.

Big fan of your work.

Are you just trying to make all
dads, like, pale in comparison?

Are you trying to put them
all in your shadow?

Yeah.

Why a roller coaster?

The roller coaster
was my son's idea, really.

It wasn't mine.

And Lyle just said to me
one day, "you know it'd be great

if we had our own roller coaster
in the backyard,"

and it took me
all of 10 seconds

to decide that that was
a wonderful idea.

And we got started on it
right away.

How do you figure out
how to even begin this process?

A couple of people before me
have built roller coasters,

and so, we go online,
you go look at videos.

I brought a little of my
background is in aeronautics,

a little of my background is
in computer engineering/hacking,

and I've always been
a tinkerer.

Does your roller coaster
have a name?

Of course it has a name.
It's called the caution zone.

Oh, nerd alert.

[ Laughter ]

Like, shouldn't it be called,
like, the vertebrae crusher,

you know,
the disc slipper?

I'm just a crew, right?

I dig post holes.
I build stuff.

I just follow the instructions
of my offspring,

and now you, Brooke.

And then if, like,
I don't know,

let's say someone had
a very small patch of land

and they wanted
a sweet roller coaster there,

what does one cost?

The roller coaster cost
about $3,500 in materials,

and maybe 300 hours
in labor.

3,500 bucks to have a roller
coaster in your backyard?

My thinking about it, Kevin,
is that if you can build

a 15-foot-long piece of roller
coaster track for your kid,

to that kid,
that's the biggest,

most amazing roller coaster
in the world.

It's about time with dad.

It's about
this amazing adventure,

and so that's what
I'm in it for.

Will, will you be my father?

Yeah. I was like,
"Kevin's in the market."

Absolutely.

Oh, yeah. Kevin's coming in
for a quick...

Can I just --
thank you, will?

Oh, come here, sweetie.

[ Sobbing ]
He called me sweetie!

I just want to be your son
forever, will.

Thank you. I love you.

Okay, Brooke.

-Bye.
-Tagging out.

Did he say it?
Did he say he loved me, too?

I didn't hear it.
Maybe there was buffering.

-I do love you, Kevin.
-Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! This is better
than any roller coaster!

It's an emotional
roller coaster!

Brooke: Coming up,
last-minute Booty call?

We get date-ready
at the speed of hack

when we return.

Kevin:
Sometimes, ordinary people do extraordinary things,

all in the name of hacking.

People like Margaret,

who was enjoying a visit
from her granddaughter Jenny

when destiny Booty-called.

Granny mags
doesn't mind a short visit

if it means a chance
at great-grandkids.

But what's this?

Getting Jenny date ready
in 15 minutes will take skills.

Good thing
this nursing home ninja

is a hack hero!

Grandma mags tells
all her friends at bridge club

that Jenny's a beautiful girl.

But tonight, her complexion
could use a little color.

Good thing granny's got
her trusty red lipstick!

Just a quick dab on the cheeks,

blend like
a meal replacement shake,

and bam, improvised Rouge!

Jenny's face may look like
a million bucks,

but even goodwill
wouldn't want those jeans.

Have no fear.
Granny is here...

With a scarf?!

Just fold it in half,
wrap around the waist,

tuck in the end like a towel,
and voilà!

It's a quick switch
to a sassy skirt!

But if Jenny's really gonna
shake what her grandma gave her,

she needs to do something
with that boring shirt.

[ Ding! ]

Into the drawer
and out with granny panties.

No, Margaret's not having
one of her episodes.

By cutting out the crotch
of those bloomers,

she turns elderly bottoms
into a sexy crop top!

But mags worries her sweet
grandbaby will catch a chill.

Granny's shawl is not on trend,
but time is running out.

By tying the ends together
to create a circle

and sliding Jenny's arms inside,

it transforms into a vest!

Nice work, grandma!

You truly are part
of the greatest generation.

By now, Chad must be
mere seconds away,

but Margaret's still got
one hack to go --

prune juice!

It may not set the mood,
but the high mineral content

breaks down excess sebum
in the skin

and give Jenny
a naturally golden glow.

Ah, like a raisin in the sun.

[ Horn honks ]

This mach 5 makeover is done,
and not a moment too soon.

Cheers to you, Margaret!

You've also earned yourself
a night of romance,

because you're a hack hero!

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0