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1
00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:20,940
Do you realize how much trouble
you are in, young man?
2
00:00:20,970 --> 00:00:23,270
Your Honor, I don't see
what the big deal is.
3
00:00:23,310 --> 00:00:27,270
You crashed your car
through the wall of a church
4
00:00:27,310 --> 00:00:29,370
while a wedding was in progress!
5
00:00:29,420 --> 00:00:31,280
It wasn't my fault!
6
00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:34,080
There was a nun crossing
the street against the light.
7
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:36,150
I was going to run her over.
8
00:00:36,190 --> 00:00:38,890
And you were swerving
to avoid her?
9
00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,660
Yes.
10
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:45,430
All right.
Well, in that case,
11
00:00:45,470 --> 00:00:47,560
I will suspend your sentence
12
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:50,300
in exchange for 40 hours
of community service.
13
00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:52,400
Community service?
14
00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:54,700
What has this community
ever done for me?
15
00:00:54,740 --> 00:00:57,140
- Dan, no. Take the deal.
- No way!
16
00:01:00,350 --> 00:01:02,110
Have it your way.
17
00:01:02,150 --> 00:01:05,740
Trial will start one week
from today at 9:00 a.m.
18
00:01:05,790 --> 00:01:07,480
Could we do it a little later?
19
00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:10,180
I like to sleep in,
watch some TV.
20
00:01:11,220 --> 00:01:14,520
Get him out of my sight.
21
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:16,120
Let go!
22
00:01:17,530 --> 00:01:19,330
So I drove through
the wall of a church?
23
00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:21,160
What is that,
a crime all of a sudden?
24
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:24,830
Yeah. So is fleeing the scene,
resisting arrest,
25
00:01:24,870 --> 00:01:26,530
and assaulting an officer.
26
00:01:26,570 --> 00:01:28,470
It was a busy Sunday for you.
27
00:01:28,510 --> 00:01:30,200
Community service
isn't so bad, Dan.
28
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:31,800
You should have taken the deal.
29
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:33,400
It's the principle of the thing.
30
00:01:33,450 --> 00:01:35,610
I don't help people willy-nilly.
31
00:01:35,650 --> 00:01:37,210
Dan, hey!
32
00:01:37,250 --> 00:01:40,150
Thank you so much
for your help this weekend.
33
00:01:40,190 --> 00:01:42,880
The shelter really
appreciates your time.
34
00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:45,190
I don't know you, pal. Back off.
35
00:01:45,220 --> 00:01:47,660
- Wasn't me.
- He knew your name.
36
00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:50,660
Thanks for helping me
change my tire, Dan.
37
00:01:50,700 --> 00:01:53,220
This has been happening
all week.
38
00:01:53,270 --> 00:01:55,860
People keep mistaking me
for someone else.
39
00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:57,430
Someone else named Dan,
40
00:01:57,470 --> 00:01:59,440
who apparently
looks just like you.
41
00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:01,570
Can I ask a question?
42
00:02:01,610 --> 00:02:03,470
How have you
been sleeping lately?
43
00:02:03,510 --> 00:02:05,740
Lousy, like always. Why?
44
00:02:05,780 --> 00:02:09,210
No reason. Just sometimes
people do things in their sleep.
45
00:02:09,250 --> 00:02:11,080
I once ate a pair of shoes.
46
00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,810
Expensive shoes.
47
00:02:12,850 --> 00:02:14,620
For the umpteenth time,
48
00:02:14,650 --> 00:02:17,210
I am sorry I ate your shoes.
49
00:02:17,260 --> 00:02:19,660
And you used half a bottle
of my good shampoo.
50
00:02:19,690 --> 00:02:21,160
For dipping.
51
00:02:21,190 --> 00:02:23,360
Well, I don't want to hear
this argument again.
52
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,920
I'm going home.
53
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,630
I have to make
some "Free Dan" T-shirts.
54
00:02:32,710 --> 00:02:35,540
Oh, sure, sure.
Always happy to lend a hand.
55
00:02:35,580 --> 00:02:39,340
It's just great work you're doing
down at the soup kitchen, Jerry.
56
00:02:39,380 --> 00:02:41,210
Did I leave the TV on?
57
00:02:41,250 --> 00:02:44,220
You had better not be watching
cartoons, Mr. Mumbles.
58
00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:46,180
They'll rot your brains.
59
00:02:46,220 --> 00:02:48,780
This Saturday?
I'll be there.
60
00:02:51,190 --> 00:02:53,350
Oh. Got to go, Jer.
61
00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:55,290
Well...
62
00:02:55,330 --> 00:02:59,890
this is embarrassing.
63
00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:03,230
I figured you'd be at court
at least another hour.
64
00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:05,100
- Who are you?
- Who are you?
65
00:03:05,140 --> 00:03:06,870
- I'm Dan.
- I'm Dan.
66
00:03:06,910 --> 00:03:08,900
- Stop it.
- Stop it.
67
00:03:08,940 --> 00:03:11,410
I should probably just go.
68
00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:14,070
Hey, those are my clothes!
69
00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:16,780
Stop, clothes thief!
70
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,310
Who are you?
71
00:03:20,350 --> 00:03:22,120
I told you already.
I'm Dan.
72
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:25,560
The question is who are you?
73
00:03:28,230 --> 00:03:32,130
DAN!!!
74
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:35,430
I'm Dan.
75
00:03:45,530 --> 00:03:48,090
Where have you been?
I said it was an emergency.
76
00:03:48,130 --> 00:03:50,570
That's pretty much what you say
instead of hello.
77
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,400
This is not okay.
I am in crisis mode.
78
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,340
Notice anything different
about this place?
79
00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:58,810
It looks a little cleaner.
80
00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:01,180
Uh-huh.
And look at my phone bill.
81
00:04:01,210 --> 00:04:03,580
I see a lot
of telephone numbers.
82
00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:06,450
They're charity organizations.
83
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,450
I've gotten several thank-you
cards in the mail just today.
84
00:04:09,490 --> 00:04:11,720
"Thank you, Dan,
for your tireless efforts
85
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:13,220
on behalf of St. Dora's Home
86
00:04:13,260 --> 00:04:16,020
for Children
who Scream Uncontrollably."
87
00:04:16,060 --> 00:04:17,760
When did you volunteer there?
88
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,760
That's my whole point!
89
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,660
I didn't! He did!
90
00:04:21,700 --> 00:04:24,690
- He?
- Dan, the other Dan.
91
00:04:24,740 --> 00:04:27,170
We have to find him
and stop him.
92
00:04:27,210 --> 00:04:29,500
Oh, him. Right.
93
00:04:29,540 --> 00:04:31,470
The "other Dan,"
94
00:04:31,510 --> 00:04:33,270
the one who looks
exactly like you.
95
00:04:33,310 --> 00:04:35,510
Not exactly,
but he wears my clothes.
96
00:04:35,550 --> 00:04:39,680
Dan, you're having
a psychotic break.
97
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,550
Frankly, I'm surprised
it hasn't happened before now.
98
00:04:42,590 --> 00:04:44,110
What are you talking about?
99
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,820
Look, you're under a lot
of pressure from the trial,
100
00:04:46,860 --> 00:04:49,830
and on some level,
you loathe yourself.
101
00:04:49,860 --> 00:04:52,490
Why would I loathe myself?
I'm awesome!
102
00:04:52,530 --> 00:04:54,760
Right. You're awesome.
103
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,770
You live in a rattrap hovel,
no girlfriend, no career,
104
00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,360
and every day, you fester
in a stew of your own anger.
105
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,200
Who's angry?!
I'll kill you!
106
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:07,370
So you've created another Dan
107
00:05:07,410 --> 00:05:09,570
who does nice things for people.
108
00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:10,980
Does that sound like me?
109
00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:14,640
No, it sounds like "Dan."
110
00:05:15,390 --> 00:05:17,220
Stop air quoting at me!
111
00:05:17,260 --> 00:05:20,420
There is an actual
physical imposter out there,
112
00:05:20,460 --> 00:05:22,620
and we are going
to make him pay.
113
00:05:22,660 --> 00:05:24,650
All right, Dan.
114
00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:27,660
Let's go find "Dan."
115
00:05:27,700 --> 00:05:29,670
Stop saying it like that.
116
00:05:31,770 --> 00:05:34,260
Um, I'll be back.
117
00:05:37,310 --> 00:05:38,170
Hello.
118
00:05:38,210 --> 00:05:41,080
Elise, you know that thing
we always thought would happen?
119
00:05:41,110 --> 00:05:43,580
Well, it's happening.
Dan has snapped.
120
00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:45,740
Wait. How has Dan snapped?
Clock tower?
121
00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:47,750
No, alternate personality.
122
00:05:47,790 --> 00:05:49,510
Huh. I would have bet
the other way.
123
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,680
Didn't we have
a contingency plan for this?
124
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:53,310
Sure. You isolate him.
125
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:54,850
I'll call the shrink
my company uses
126
00:05:54,890 --> 00:05:56,690
to reprogram enemy field agents.
127
00:05:56,730 --> 00:05:58,190
Wait.
They use him for what?
128
00:05:58,230 --> 00:05:59,700
Uh, what?
129
00:05:59,730 --> 00:06:01,200
You dropped out
for a second there.
130
00:06:01,230 --> 00:06:02,700
I'll see you in 15.
131
00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:04,200
Sounds good. Got to go.
132
00:06:07,940 --> 00:06:09,460
We'll find this guy.
133
00:06:09,510 --> 00:06:10,970
Then you'll see I'm not crazy.
134
00:06:11,010 --> 00:06:14,140
I'm sure we will, Dan.
And then what?
135
00:06:14,180 --> 00:06:17,710
Simple. I hit him over the head
and take my clothes back.
136
00:06:17,750 --> 00:06:20,720
Leaving the "Good Dan"
nude and vulnerable.
137
00:06:20,750 --> 00:06:22,080
Textbook.
138
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,210
Stop analyzing me!
139
00:06:24,260 --> 00:06:27,220
For the last time,
there is an imposter!
140
00:06:27,260 --> 00:06:29,820
Dan, is that you?
141
00:06:29,860 --> 00:06:31,760
Aw, come on!
142
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,390
Oh, thank you so much
143
00:06:34,430 --> 00:06:36,400
for mowing my lawn last week.
144
00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:38,960
Here. Have a mint.
145
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,900
Lady, you could take
your mint and--
146
00:06:40,940 --> 00:06:42,670
Whoa, okay.
Calm down.
147
00:06:42,710 --> 00:06:47,640
Ma'am, are you sure this is
the Dan who mowed your lawn?
148
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,940
That's him.
149
00:06:51,980 --> 00:06:55,940
He spent three hours
at my house on Thursday.
150
00:06:55,990 --> 00:06:57,550
Thank you, ma'am.
151
00:06:58,820 --> 00:07:00,350
That's him.
152
00:07:00,390 --> 00:07:02,550
She was like 100 years old!
153
00:07:02,590 --> 00:07:04,250
It doesn't prove anything!
154
00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:05,920
Eh, hi, Dan.
155
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,490
Oh, what now?
156
00:07:07,530 --> 00:07:09,730
Hey, everybody, Dan's here!
157
00:07:11,340 --> 00:07:13,000
On behalf
of the whole neighborhood,
158
00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,670
we want to thank you for
everything you've done lately.
159
00:07:15,710 --> 00:07:17,040
Let's hear it for Dan!
160
00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,240
He's... modest.
161
00:07:25,650 --> 00:07:27,910
This is ridiculous.
162
00:07:27,950 --> 00:07:29,540
I am not crazy.
163
00:07:29,590 --> 00:07:31,850
Target is isolated.
164
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,460
That seemed unnecessary.
165
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:40,960
Sorry. Old habit.
166
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,590
That's how
we used to do it in...
167
00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:44,360
the private school I went to.
168
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,340
You used to grab
people off the street?
169
00:07:46,370 --> 00:07:49,000
Catholic school.
170
00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:54,370
Dr. Mettenburg, thank you for
seeing us on such short notice.
171
00:07:54,410 --> 00:07:57,640
Sure. Could you please
bring the patient this way?
172
00:08:01,290 --> 00:08:02,680
Hello, Dan.
173
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:05,210
Tell me about yourself.
174
00:08:09,130 --> 00:08:11,030
Are you sure about this guy?
175
00:08:11,060 --> 00:08:13,290
He's supposed to be some kind
of miracle worker.
176
00:08:13,330 --> 00:08:15,420
He gets the hardest
of the hard cases,
177
00:08:15,470 --> 00:08:18,230
the sickest,
most depraved wack j--
178
00:08:18,270 --> 00:08:20,200
Aah! Stop it!
179
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,730
No! What is wrong
in your brain?
180
00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:25,740
Hey, pal, if you didn't
want to know about my childhood,
181
00:08:25,780 --> 00:08:27,370
you shouldn't have asked!
182
00:08:29,450 --> 00:08:31,780
Well, thanks
for wasting my time.
183
00:08:31,820 --> 00:08:34,250
While you guys were busy
playing doctor,
184
00:08:34,290 --> 00:08:36,410
that imposter
has had ample time
185
00:08:36,450 --> 00:08:39,390
to work whatever
nefarious scheme he's concocted.
186
00:08:39,420 --> 00:08:41,290
We're going to help you
through this, buddy.
187
00:08:41,330 --> 00:08:43,090
I hate you.
188
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,800
That doctor was our best shot.
What are we gonna do now?
189
00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:49,800
Well, there is a procedure
in which the connections
190
00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:52,230
of the prefrontal cortex
of the brain are severed.
191
00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:55,030
Wait.
Isn't that a lobotomy?
192
00:08:55,070 --> 00:08:56,560
People call it different things.
193
00:08:58,240 --> 00:08:59,700
What the...?
194
00:09:03,450 --> 00:09:05,240
I'm just saying I really feel
195
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:06,980
there's something in there
worth saving.
196
00:09:07,020 --> 00:09:08,490
I don't know, Chris.
197
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:10,710
We might have just come
to the end of the road.
198
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:12,720
Guys, he's here.
199
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,590
Okay, Dan,
show us this imposter.
200
00:09:16,630 --> 00:09:18,060
Look in the window.
201
00:09:22,330 --> 00:09:24,460
There's nobody there.
This is just sad.
202
00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:26,530
Nobody there?
203
00:09:27,170 --> 00:09:30,160
Think I'm crazy?
I'll show you who's crazy!
204
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:35,140
- May I help you?
- He's real.
205
00:09:35,180 --> 00:09:36,980
What are you doing
in my apartment?
206
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,070
Oh, well,
this is my apartment.
207
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,140
Everything that you
used to have is mine.
208
00:09:41,190 --> 00:09:43,020
I'm Dan now.
209
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:45,610
You're going to have to find
yourself a new identity.
210
00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:48,250
Why would anyone
want to be Dan?
211
00:09:48,290 --> 00:09:49,520
I'm so glad
you asked that, Elise.
212
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:52,120
And by the way,
you don't look anything
213
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,130
Iike the unflattering drawings
Dan has of you in his journal.
214
00:09:55,170 --> 00:09:57,000
You've been reading my journal?
215
00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,800
What does he mean,
"unflattering"?
216
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,270
You ask why Dan?
217
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:03,240
Well, most people have
a network of friends and family
218
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,740
who know and love them,
219
00:10:04,780 --> 00:10:07,540
making it near impossible
to steal their identities,
220
00:10:07,580 --> 00:10:10,550
but Dan here
is off-putting and angry.
221
00:10:10,580 --> 00:10:13,550
Off-putting?!
Angry?!
222
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:16,210
That's just the tip
of the iceberg.
223
00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:18,150
Tell me, what do
you have to show
224
00:10:18,190 --> 00:10:21,160
for your lifetime of apathy
and petty vengeance?
225
00:10:21,190 --> 00:10:24,560
Well, l--
I have a foosball table,
226
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,220
so I got that going for me.
227
00:10:26,260 --> 00:10:27,790
You don't even like foosball.
228
00:10:27,830 --> 00:10:30,670
He's right.
I'm an air hockey man.
229
00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:33,170
You have alienated
everyone in your life
230
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,830
except for Chris and Elise,
231
00:10:34,870 --> 00:10:37,340
and I have a feeling at least
one of them is gettable.
232
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:38,840
Attack!
233
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,430
Let's hear him out.
234
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,310
What exactly do you want?
235
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:44,370
Oh, I've already got it.
236
00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:47,380
A place to live, a television.
237
00:10:47,420 --> 00:10:49,320
A kitty who loves me,
238
00:10:49,350 --> 00:10:51,010
and friends
all over the neighborhood,
239
00:10:51,060 --> 00:10:53,750
friends who know me as Dan,
the neighbor who cares,
240
00:10:53,790 --> 00:10:57,730
Dan, the neighbor who lives
in apartment eight.
241
00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:00,360
So if you
don't leave immediately,
242
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,230
I'll be forced to shoot you
in self-defense.
243
00:11:02,270 --> 00:11:03,860
Good day.
244
00:11:05,630 --> 00:11:08,430
That last part sounded
a little like you.
245
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,460
You have to admit
the identity thief
246
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:17,120
chose his target pretty well.
247
00:11:17,170 --> 00:11:19,690
As far as people who have
isolated themselves from--
248
00:11:20,140 --> 00:11:21,200
I don't want to hear it!
249
00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:22,970
I'm sure this will all work out.
250
00:11:23,010 --> 00:11:25,030
You can stay with us until then.
251
00:11:25,070 --> 00:11:26,540
For no more than one week.
252
00:11:26,580 --> 00:11:29,540
We've got to get that guy
out of my apartment.
253
00:11:29,580 --> 00:11:32,170
I should be preparing
for my court date.
254
00:11:32,210 --> 00:11:34,240
Chris, promise me
255
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:35,810
if they send me
to the calaboose--
256
00:11:35,850 --> 00:11:38,050
- The what?
- He means prison.
257
00:11:38,090 --> 00:11:39,850
If they send me away,
258
00:11:39,890 --> 00:11:42,860
promise me you'll
take care of Mr. Mumbles.
259
00:11:42,890 --> 00:11:45,380
- But that guy has him.
- Also smother that guy.
260
00:11:45,430 --> 00:11:46,790
I will not.
261
00:11:46,830 --> 00:11:49,920
Chris will not be committing
any capital crimes, Dan.
262
00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:53,870
How can you be so selfish
in my time of need?
263
00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:56,130
All right,
if you won't help me with that,
264
00:11:56,170 --> 00:11:57,970
at least help me
get back into my apartment.
265
00:11:58,010 --> 00:11:59,700
How do you plan to do that?
266
00:11:59,740 --> 00:12:03,080
Do you still have your Halloween
costume from three years ago?
267
00:12:03,110 --> 00:12:05,810
I never throw away
a Halloween costume.
268
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:07,250
Wait. Why?
269
00:12:08,350 --> 00:12:11,320
You know, at first,
I thought it was cute
270
00:12:11,350 --> 00:12:14,550
that a lady cat was given
the name Mr. Mumbles,
271
00:12:14,590 --> 00:12:17,420
but now I think he just
didn't know you're a girl.
272
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,160
This is pretty funny.
273
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,600
But all jokes aside,
this guy is just not well.
274
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,770
Hey, take it easy.
275
00:12:30,810 --> 00:12:32,710
Couldn't you have gotten
into the box
276
00:12:32,740 --> 00:12:34,470
at the top of the stairs?
277
00:12:34,510 --> 00:12:36,380
He might have seen us.
278
00:12:36,410 --> 00:12:37,900
Also I'm tired.
279
00:12:39,750 --> 00:12:40,510
What's he doing?
280
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,050
Looks like he's reading
your journal
281
00:12:44,090 --> 00:12:46,250
and snuggling
with your teddy bear Brutus.
282
00:12:46,290 --> 00:12:48,480
Et tu, Brutus?
283
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:56,030
Hey, Chris, nice costume.
284
00:12:56,070 --> 00:12:59,230
Uh, I'm the delivery guy.
285
00:12:59,270 --> 00:13:01,330
Oh, I get it.
Come on.
286
00:13:01,370 --> 00:13:03,670
Hey, the moustache
looks really good on you.
287
00:13:03,710 --> 00:13:05,230
You should think
about growing one.
288
00:13:05,270 --> 00:13:06,740
Really? Thanks.
289
00:13:06,780 --> 00:13:09,340
I assume that's Dan
in the box there.
290
00:13:09,380 --> 00:13:10,740
He's onto us!
291
00:13:10,780 --> 00:13:13,870
Quick! Smother him
with your big, meaty hands!
292
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,610
Uh, no.
293
00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:17,410
What's that?
294
00:13:17,450 --> 00:13:20,080
Oh, nothing, really.
I just made a pie,
295
00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:22,610
strawberry rhubarb magic.
296
00:13:24,290 --> 00:13:26,230
Do you know what?
Come on in.
297
00:13:26,260 --> 00:13:29,230
I've got extra
and a whole gallon of ice cream.
298
00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:31,260
Chris, don't do it!
299
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:33,830
It's strawberry rhubarb, Dan.
300
00:13:33,870 --> 00:13:35,430
I'm not made of stone.
301
00:13:39,710 --> 00:13:41,640
Et tu, Chris?
302
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:44,440
You're eating ice cream?
303
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:45,950
Dan's lactose intolerant.
304
00:13:45,980 --> 00:13:48,950
Well, Chris, old pal,
you'll find that these days,
305
00:13:48,980 --> 00:13:50,580
I'm a lot more tolerant
of everything.
306
00:13:50,620 --> 00:13:52,180
Wow.
307
00:13:52,220 --> 00:13:54,280
So how'd you get
the crust so flaky?
308
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:56,120
Oh, in my last identity,
I was a baker.
309
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:58,850
Psst, Mr. Mumbles.
310
00:13:58,890 --> 00:14:01,020
Mr. Mumbles, I need your help.
311
00:14:02,630 --> 00:14:05,530
Okay, here's what
you're going to do.
312
00:14:05,570 --> 00:14:08,760
Go over to fake Dan and--
313
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,100
now this part's very important--
314
00:14:11,140 --> 00:14:14,910
I need you
to scratch his eyes out.
315
00:14:14,940 --> 00:14:17,240
Scratch them
right out of his head.
316
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,340
We'll deal with Chris later.
317
00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:22,110
Godspeed, Mr. Mumbles.
318
00:14:24,750 --> 00:14:28,020
Et tu, Mr. Mumbles?
319
00:14:33,060 --> 00:14:36,160
This isn't over, you fiend!
320
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:37,630
I'll get--
321
00:14:39,370 --> 00:14:41,390
Ohh. My back.
322
00:14:42,940 --> 00:14:44,570
Fine! I'll show you!
323
00:14:44,610 --> 00:14:47,170
I'll show both of you!
324
00:14:49,110 --> 00:14:51,910
Lousy backstabbing, no-good...
325
00:14:51,950 --> 00:14:54,350
Dan, what are you doing?
326
00:14:54,380 --> 00:14:55,850
Get out of our bedroom!
327
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:58,850
Be right out.
Hi, honey.
328
00:14:58,890 --> 00:15:00,580
What do you think you're doing?
329
00:15:00,620 --> 00:15:04,420
Your husband sold me out
for some lousy pie.
330
00:15:04,460 --> 00:15:06,860
His identity is forfeit.
331
00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:09,330
I happen to need an identity
while I work this thing out,
332
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:10,830
so I'm Chris now.
333
00:15:10,870 --> 00:15:13,030
No. No way.
Take off those clothes.
334
00:15:13,070 --> 00:15:15,200
Oh, you.
335
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:18,700
Why don't you make me some dinner
like a good wife for once?
336
00:15:19,940 --> 00:15:21,840
We have fun.
337
00:15:23,580 --> 00:15:26,380
Of course, sweetheart.
338
00:15:26,420 --> 00:15:29,350
Why don't you sit down at the table,
and I'll bring you some dinner?
339
00:15:29,380 --> 00:15:31,410
You know something, Chris?
340
00:15:31,450 --> 00:15:33,280
I got to come correct
with you here.
341
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:36,990
It occurs to me that
I don't appreciate you enough.
342
00:15:37,030 --> 00:15:38,720
No, no. I don't.
343
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:41,390
Uh, we just met.
344
00:15:41,430 --> 00:15:44,420
Don't you recognize me, old pal?
I'm Dan.
345
00:15:44,470 --> 00:15:47,770
Exactly how stupid
does that journal say I am?
346
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,500
Oh, pretty stupid.
347
00:15:54,180 --> 00:15:55,880
I can't eat any more.
348
00:15:55,910 --> 00:15:57,570
It's the fourth course already.
349
00:15:57,610 --> 00:16:00,410
What? Chris always
has this much food.
350
00:16:00,450 --> 00:16:03,150
You are Chris, right?
351
00:16:04,820 --> 00:16:08,380
And here's your grilled cheese
sandwich and a glass of milk.
352
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:23,440
Oh, no!
353
00:16:23,470 --> 00:16:25,100
Lactose intolerance!
354
00:16:36,490 --> 00:16:38,780
That disguise doesn't fool me.
355
00:16:38,820 --> 00:16:40,290
I know who you are.
356
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,420
It's not a disguise.
357
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:44,390
It's my new identity.
358
00:16:44,430 --> 00:16:46,400
I've been thinking
about what you said,
359
00:16:46,430 --> 00:16:47,900
and you're right.
360
00:16:47,930 --> 00:16:51,890
I've spent my life alienating
and avoiding people.
361
00:16:51,940 --> 00:16:54,630
I've decided
to follow your example
362
00:16:54,670 --> 00:16:56,830
and get a fresh start.
363
00:16:56,870 --> 00:16:59,360
- Really?
- Dan's all yours.
364
00:17:00,580 --> 00:17:03,380
You can call me Biff,
Biff Wellington.
365
00:17:03,410 --> 00:17:06,680
- I don't know what to say.
- Say this.
366
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:10,240
Say we'll be friends.
367
00:17:13,790 --> 00:17:15,920
Thank you, guys,
so much for coming.
368
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,520
- Who is that?
- I have no idea.
369
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:21,050
So...
370
00:17:21,100 --> 00:17:22,570
I don't get it.
371
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,070
Get what, Chris?
372
00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:25,570
That you're just giving up.
373
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,930
The Dan I know
doesn't give up, ever.
374
00:17:27,970 --> 00:17:30,500
Yeah. Well, I'm not
Dan anymore.
375
00:17:30,540 --> 00:17:32,770
Biff lets stuff go
all the time.
376
00:17:32,810 --> 00:17:34,500
What about all your things?
377
00:17:34,540 --> 00:17:37,570
Please.
You've seen Dan's things.
378
00:17:37,610 --> 00:17:38,840
And Mr. Mumbles?
379
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,410
Biff's more
of a dog person, really.
380
00:17:41,450 --> 00:17:43,210
Wow.
You're really serious.
381
00:17:43,250 --> 00:17:47,050
Yup. Hey, thanks for letting me
have my new friends over.
382
00:17:47,090 --> 00:17:50,030
No problem, uh, Biff.
383
00:17:50,060 --> 00:17:53,050
Oh, and I invited Dan over.
I assume that's okay.
384
00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:55,160
The guy who stole
your life from you?
385
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,690
I am officially
calling horsefeathers on this.
386
00:17:57,730 --> 00:18:00,460
Elise, don't question this!
Don't you see this is
387
00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:02,770
the best thing that's
ever happened to me?
388
00:18:02,810 --> 00:18:05,430
I mean, other than you,
of course.
389
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:06,940
You know, 'cause you're--
390
00:18:06,980 --> 00:18:09,240
you know, you're-- yeah.
391
00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:10,940
Hello, friends.
392
00:18:10,980 --> 00:18:12,310
Hi, Dan.
393
00:18:12,350 --> 00:18:14,370
Um...
394
00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:15,910
hi, Dan?
395
00:18:15,950 --> 00:18:17,980
There's got to be an angle here.
396
00:18:18,020 --> 00:18:19,890
I think he's serious.
397
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,620
He's really changed.
398
00:18:21,660 --> 00:18:24,750
- Attention, everyone!
- Here we go.
399
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,760
I just wanted
to raise a toast to Dan,
400
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,770
the newest and best addition
to the neighborhood
401
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,330
we've had since--
402
00:18:32,370 --> 00:18:35,930
well, since I can remember.
403
00:18:35,970 --> 00:18:37,540
To Dan.
404
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:43,940
Wow. I can't believe
how late it got.
405
00:18:43,980 --> 00:18:47,210
I know.
The time just flew by.
406
00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:49,280
Well, this has
just turned out swell.
407
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:50,980
A little too swell.
408
00:18:51,020 --> 00:18:53,580
Oh, Elise.
409
00:18:53,620 --> 00:18:55,650
You are the living end.
410
00:18:55,690 --> 00:18:57,920
I'll say.
411
00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,690
Oh, my word.
412
00:18:59,730 --> 00:19:02,700
Dan, I actually have
a present for you.
413
00:19:02,730 --> 00:19:05,000
We better move back
a little bit.
414
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:06,900
No, no, no.
415
00:19:06,940 --> 00:19:09,370
It's nothing dangerous,
I promise.
416
00:19:09,410 --> 00:19:11,640
Biff doesn't believe
in violence.
417
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:15,010
But he does believe in referring
to himself in the third person.
418
00:19:15,050 --> 00:19:16,950
As a gesture to show you
419
00:19:16,980 --> 00:19:19,450
how committed I am
to a new life,
420
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:22,320
I hereby surrender
to you my--
421
00:19:22,350 --> 00:19:24,150
well, now your--
422
00:19:24,190 --> 00:19:27,050
birth certificate,
Social Security card,
423
00:19:27,090 --> 00:19:30,250
and all the various documents
needed to prove
424
00:19:30,290 --> 00:19:32,390
that you are the real Dan.
425
00:19:32,430 --> 00:19:34,560
See? Biff is for real.
426
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,530
This is exactly how it
played out in my wish journal.
427
00:19:39,500 --> 00:19:42,870
No, look! He's giving
everything away! That proves it!
428
00:19:42,910 --> 00:19:44,500
I'm touched.
429
00:19:44,540 --> 00:19:46,570
I'm truly touched.
430
00:19:46,610 --> 00:19:49,580
Well, you've inspired me.
I'll get the dishes.
431
00:19:49,610 --> 00:19:51,950
Okay, this is just weird!
432
00:19:51,980 --> 00:19:54,210
Elise, you're so cynical.
433
00:19:54,250 --> 00:19:57,220
Can't you just accept that--
434
00:19:57,250 --> 00:19:58,980
That's him, officers!
435
00:19:59,020 --> 00:20:01,350
Hey, wait.
What are you doing?
436
00:20:01,390 --> 00:20:03,760
Dan, you are under arrest.
437
00:20:03,790 --> 00:20:05,960
You have the right
to remain silent.
438
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,690
Hang on a second.
This is all a big misunderstanding.
439
00:20:08,730 --> 00:20:10,830
You missed
your court date, punk.
440
00:20:10,870 --> 00:20:13,860
- But I'm not Dan.
- Yes, he is.
441
00:20:13,900 --> 00:20:15,530
Ah, now I get it.
442
00:20:15,570 --> 00:20:17,870
Wait. What's happening?
443
00:20:17,910 --> 00:20:19,840
No! Stop! Stop!
444
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,940
That's Dan right there!
445
00:20:22,980 --> 00:20:26,070
Not me, officers.
My name is Biff,
446
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:29,050
Biff Wellington.
447
00:20:29,090 --> 00:20:31,650
Let's see your ID.
448
00:20:31,690 --> 00:20:34,210
Listen, I-I...
449
00:20:34,260 --> 00:20:36,420
Not Dan, huh?
450
00:20:36,460 --> 00:20:38,520
Put him in the squad car.
451
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,430
I'm going to get you
for this, Dan.
452
00:20:40,460 --> 00:20:43,130
I'll be back,
and you will rue the day,
453
00:20:43,170 --> 00:20:44,530
rue it!
454
00:20:44,570 --> 00:20:46,930
Awfully sorry
for the disturbance, folks,
455
00:20:46,970 --> 00:20:48,440
but don't you worry about him.
456
00:20:48,470 --> 00:20:51,440
He'll be going away
for a long time.
457
00:20:51,470 --> 00:20:54,140
No worries, officer.
You're just doing your job.
458
00:20:54,180 --> 00:20:55,640
Drive safely.
459
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:57,610
We will.
460
00:20:57,650 --> 00:21:00,620
Dan, come back!
461
00:21:00,650 --> 00:21:03,140
Dan!
462
00:21:03,190 --> 00:21:04,680
Sneaky.
463
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:06,690
All it took
was missing a court date
464
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:10,220
and one phone call to our helpful
law enforcement officers.
465
00:21:10,260 --> 00:21:11,780
I knew you hadn't changed.
466
00:21:11,830 --> 00:21:14,060
Why should I change?
I'm great.
467
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:16,070
It's everyone else who sucks.
468
00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:19,260
But the new Dan made me pie,
469
00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:21,770
and Biff was so nice.
470
00:21:21,810 --> 00:21:23,930
Tough noogies, turncoat.
471
00:21:23,970 --> 00:21:25,700
It doesn't bother you
in the slightest
472
00:21:25,740 --> 00:21:27,730
that someone else is
going to prison for your crime?
473
00:21:27,780 --> 00:21:30,250
Hey, you want to steal
Dan's identity,
474
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,250
you take the bad
with the good.
475
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:35,450
I'm going home.
To my home.
476
00:21:35,490 --> 00:21:36,980
I need a ride.
477
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,830
I could really get used to this.
478
00:21:51,070 --> 00:21:53,870
Aw, come on!
479
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:58,470
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