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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:25,318 {y:i}("Living in the USA " {y:i}by the Steve Miller Band) 2 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,236 Brass! 3 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:09,919 {y:i}Livin' in the USA 4 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:13,555 {y:i}(male radio presenter) This is WBXT, {y:i}the voice of Fort Baxter. 5 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:17,599 {y:i}All personnel are invited to join {y:i}Sergeant Bilko in the motor pool... 6 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,473 {y:i}... for a demonstration {y:i}of proper spark-plug maintenance... 7 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:25,993 {y:i}... today at 0420, 0530 and 1455. 8 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:30,238 {y:i}Those times again. 0420, 0530 and 1455. 9 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:32,237 - Did you win? - Nope. 10 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:40,270 Private Wally Holbrook reporting for duty. 11 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,118 - First assignment? - Yes. 12 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:45,038 - Relax. Know where you're assigned? - Motor pool. 13 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,276 - OK. Motor pool? - Yes, I... 14 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,358 - You're going straight to the colonel. - Colonel? What'd I do? 15 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:54,239 - How old are you, son? - Nineteen, sir. 16 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:56,635 Nineteen... So young. 17 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,433 I'm a first-rate mechanic. My two uncles owned a garage. 18 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:00,834 - Got any money? - Yes, sir. 19 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:02,188 - Give it to me. - But... 20 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,197 It's all right. 21 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:12,229 - My word, there must be $500 in here. - 700. See, I worked at my uncle's... 22 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:15,591 You're going to take $700 in cash into Bilko's barracks? 23 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:19,072 - Yes, sir. Who, sir? - Give me your hat, please. 24 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:23,833 Sergeant Bilko. Master Sergeant Ernest G Bilko. 25 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:28,077 - Well, good luck. And Godspeed. - Thank you, sir. 26 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:31,715 Remember, if you need anything at all, need any help... 27 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:35,310 ...the old colonel's door is always open. - Thank you, sir. 28 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:39,236 - Sir? - (w{y:i}histles) 29 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:56,349 - I'm lookin' for Sergeant Bilko. - You're too late, junior, no more bets. 30 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:59,995 - No, no, no. I'm reporting in. - Come on, Duane! Pull! 31 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:02,680 Dig deep, baby! 32 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:07,797 Come on! Come on! 33 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,557 Come on! Come on! 34 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:36,278 He's got the wrong shoes! Doberman's wearing the wrong shoes. 35 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,676 He's got no traction. And this horse! 36 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:44,078 This horse was not this lively this morning. I want it drug tested now! 37 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:47,397 Someone, quick. Get a urine bottle and a mop. 38 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:55,670 Hey! What's goin' on? 39 00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:00,996 It's Private Doberman. He's the one who looks sort of human. 40 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:04,078 Last night in the gym, Doberman said "I feel as strong as a horse." 41 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:07,510 Some guy from company P overheard him and said "Yeah? For how much?" 42 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:11,428 It's the golden rule. You don't say nothing unless you're prepared to back it up. 43 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:16,475 No, no, not across the line. Don't go across. Back. Just, back. Back. 44 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,719 - Are you OK, Duane? - Sarge, I can't do this any more! 45 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,718 You did your best, Duane. What's money, anyway? 46 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:42,674 So, Bilko, I finally won one. Pay up. 47 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:44,677 {y:i}(Bilko sighs) 48 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:48,035 - Hurry up. - Oh, so now we're on a schedule? 49 00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:51,829 - Shall we go once more? - Sarge! Please, no more. No more, Sarge. 50 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,235 Don't worry. I won't put you through that again. 51 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:58,114 - He's finished. He's a loser. - No one calls one of Bilko's men a loser. 52 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:02,279 I oughta... Hold me back! Aah. No, no! Let me go! I'll kill him. 53 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:05,472 - You wanna double the bet? - Double the bet? Ha! You're serious. 54 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,512 - Sarge, no. - What's the matter, Ernie? Scared? 55 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,598 Sarge, please. That's all the platoon's money-every cent. 56 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:15,793 This is beyond money now. This is a matter of honour. OK, the bet is 1,000. 57 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:18,071 Sucker. 58 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,475 {y:i}(Bilko's men) Yeah! 59 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,791 Hey, you can't do that, man. 60 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:25,475 - Ready, Duane? - Sure, Sarge. 61 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,239 See? He was just rollin' up the bet. 62 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,478 He's like a god. 63 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,470 Duane! Duane! Duane! 64 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:51,151 Duane! Duane! Duane! Duane! Duane! Duane! 65 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,311 Yeah! Yeah! 66 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:21,870 Walk him around and wipe him down. 67 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,190 Not the horse! Doberman. 68 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:29,192 Listen, that M2 Bradley vehicle is property of the US Army. 69 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:33,791 I want it back on the post by tonight. We have rules! Rules and regulations. 70 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,795 I have your rental agreement right here. 71 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,230 And if you blow anything up, it's coming out of your deposit. 72 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,113 Teenagers! So irresponsible. 73 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:48,073 - Sarge, you said I could count the take. - She got to count it last time. 74 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:51,112 Will you stop fighting? It's like I'm running a daycare centre. 75 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:54,755 Actually, that's not a bad idea. We could keep 'em in the storeroom. 76 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:58,873 - Luis, how many kids on the post? - Personal dependants under five? 77 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,798 - 293. - Get me the total of their allowances. 78 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,992 - Hey, in the storeroom? Kids? - Zimmy, they won't die. 79 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:08,032 In fact, that'll be our motto: "They won't die." 80 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:11,994 I'll count the money. Rocky, make sure the horse gets back to Knott's Berry Farm. 81 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:15,715 Private First Class Holbrook, Walter T, reporting in for duty, Sergeant! 82 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:17,751 Sarge, Holbrook is a tech-school terror. 83 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:20,440 First in his class, motor-vehicle maintenance. 84 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,710 A real live wrench-turner in the motor pool? 85 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:27,197 It's so crazy, it just might work. I'll introduce you to the boys and girls. 86 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:29,595 - {y:i}(Bilko sniffs) - What's the matter, Sarge? 87 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,553 Don't you smell it? It's money. 88 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:39,233 This is Sgt Henshaw and Sgt Barbella. You'll see them about dances, raffles. 89 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:41,954 You'll get your tickets through them. They run the shop. 90 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,868 So if you need stationery, magazines... But not magazine subscriptions. 91 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,592 See Morales about that. Towels... 92 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:51,633 - Towels? Doesn't the army issue towels? - Army? Get him a set of towels. 93 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:55,070 The fluffy ones. The introductory price. Come on. 94 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,635 Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen. 95 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:02,356 This is Dino Paparelli. You're gonna laugh, you're gonna cry. 96 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,755 You're gonna love this scrappy little Italian. 97 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,713 - Hiya. - Sam Fender. His motto in life is simple: 98 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,235 ..."An indictment is not a conviction." - Damn straight. 99 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:12,999 That's manly talk. Mickey Zimmerman. 100 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:16,476 Tragically, Zimmerman was born without a personality. 101 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,716 - Hello. - Luis Clemente. 102 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,520 This guy is smart, very smart. He has an IQ. 103 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:24,393 - Hello. - See what I mean? 104 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:27,193 Tony Morales. The only thing you need to know about him... 105 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:30,153 ...is he doesn't take showers because it fogs up the mirror. 106 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:34,956 Finally, the man of the hour, the master of disaster, the king of the universe - 107 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:39,517 ...look out, girls, he hates to dine alone - Private Duane Doberman! 108 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:40,675 Aw, Sarge. 109 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:45,555 Doberman doesn't take showers either, but for a much more frightening reason. 110 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:49,074 My orders, Sergeant. 111 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:52,272 Everything seems to be in order. Henshaw will take your bags. 112 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,277 Don't worry, he's bonded. Got a licence? 113 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,630 - A driver's licence? - We can make one up. 114 00:08:56,760 --> 00:09:00,196 - Henshaw, get the camera! - No, no. I have a licence. It's right here. 115 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,595 My wallet. 116 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:05,996 Oh, here it is. Empty. It's in your hat, isn't it? 117 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:12,755 Good boy. Oh. Oh, there must be six... no, seven hundred dollars in here. Good. 118 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,789 Well, you can start with this. The colonel's car. 119 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,434 - OK, what's wrong with it? - It's the odometer. 120 00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:21,950 It says 12,000 miles, and it should say 11,000 miles. 121 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,629 Tony drove it to Lake Tahoe to go to his grandmother's funeral. 122 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,115 - I'm sorry. - When I say that... 123 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:33,308 ...I mean "visit his niece". And when I say "niece", I mean lady friend? 124 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:37,277 Look. I'm winking. Look at my eye. 125 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:40,631 - You want me to turn that back? - {y:i}(gasps) Yes. 126 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:44,350 - I can't do that, Sergeant. - "Can't"! He said "can't"! 127 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,596 Sarge, are you all right? 128 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,837 Hey, man, "can't" is a four-letter word in this platoon. 129 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,428 I cannot violate regulations, unless it's an order... 130 00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:56,519 ...in which case I would have to ask Master Sergeant Bilko to sign said order. 131 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,837 I'm asking you to do Tony here a favour. We're all like family here. 132 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,951 Any one of these men would take a bullet for you. 133 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:05,914 - Well, not in the chest. - No, not in the chest, but in the thigh. 134 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:10,397 - Permission to speak freely? - What, are we in Russia? Say anything. 135 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:12,909 You're soldiers. Guardians of freedom. 136 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:18,114 And frankly, I don't think there's a man here taking his service oath seriously. 137 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:20,879 You know what? I'm gonna kill him. 138 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,319 Fender! 139 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,237 Now, {y:i}this is the stuff they should be teaching in the army. 140 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:32,874 - They are. - No kidding? 141 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:40,594 Here's a mouldy oldie for all our friends in the motor pool. 142 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:44,836 ("{y:i}No Particular Place to Go" {y:i}by Chuck Berry) 143 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:48,236 {y:i}Ridin' along in my automobile 144 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:50,669 {y:i}My baby beside me at the wheel 145 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,951 {y:i}I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile 146 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:55,429 Brass! 147 00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:58,950 {y:i}My curiosity runnin' wild 148 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:02,470 {y:i}Cruisin' and playin' the radio 149 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,751 {y:i}With no particular place to go 150 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,634 {y:i}Ridin' along in my automobile 151 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,990 {y:i}I was anxious to tell her the way I feel 152 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:15,919 {y:i}So I told her softly and sincere 153 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:19,513 {y:i}And she leaned and whispered in my ear 154 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:23,393 {y:i}Cuddlin' more and drivin' slow 155 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,235 {y:i}With no particular place to go 156 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:28,636 - Sarge, where can we hide the horse? - What horse? 157 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:36,476 All right, men! Faster. The army needs these vehicles. 158 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:42,237 Bilko? 159 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,752 Sergeant. 160 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,711 Sergeant Bilko! 161 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:52,435 Fall in, men, now! And get into a semicircle or a rectangle, now! 162 00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:54,437 Hut! Hey! 163 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:06,874 Very good. As you were. 164 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:09,517 He means go back to what you were doing. 165 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,916 Colonel Hall, you look fantastic, sir. Have you lost weight? 166 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,235 Why, a couple of pounds maybe. 167 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,757 Nell and I have been "sweating to the oldies". 168 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:20,997 - Ah. - Sergeant, I'm here to see about my car. 169 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,634 Ah, well, I'm afraid we're still working on it, sir. 170 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:27,355 - You've had it a week and a half. - I thought I saw it on Interstate 30. 171 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,517 There. Thank God I have a witness. Thank you, Captain Moon. 172 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:33,359 And the colonel thinks I never test-drive the vehicles. 173 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,391 What is that? 174 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:38,671 That's horse shit, sir. I tell the men "You have to test-drive..." 175 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,394 - What's it doing there? - It keeps the flies off the food. 176 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,193 There's no way you can tell what's wrong with an engine... 177 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,197 - Off the food? - It's an experiment. 178 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,231 I'd say the results are mixed. 179 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,955 It's a lot cheaper than sending out for it, sir. 180 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,196 And fresher too. 181 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,788 Bilko, are you mental? This is not the horse cavalry. 182 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:05,071 - You can't bring livestock onto the post. - You're right, sir. 183 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,715 You heard the colonel. Assemble horse platoon and get the horse out of here! 184 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:13,197 - All right, double-time, soldier. - Sergeant, please, tell me about my car. 185 00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,190 - Do you know anything about cars, sir? - No. 186 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:20,632 Ah. Well, you see that sort of pointy thing right there? 187 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:24,833 It seems that it's impinging on the browned, round thing with the spots. 188 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:28,270 - You see, when Henry Ford first... - Colonel Hall. 189 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:31,953 - Corporal, what is it? - Permission to speak privately? 190 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,275 - Of course. Excuse me, Bilko. - Absolutely. 191 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,834 - What is it, Corporal? - The Pentagon called. 192 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,793 The Pentagon? How did they get my number? 193 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:43,549 They're sending a team to observe tomorrow's hovertank test. 194 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:48,794 - Why? It's just a preliminary... Aah. - What is it, sir? 195 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:51,957 Well, they're closing a lot of military facilities lately. 196 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,275 What if they're planning to close Fort Baxter? 197 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,119 - Do you know anything about this? - You flatter me. 198 00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:01,995 - How could l, a mere master sergeant...? - You know everything before I do. 199 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:06,477 I'm sure it's just routine, sir. Anyway, come back any time. Call first. 200 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:10,555 I tell you, men, serving under a great leader like Colonel Hall... 201 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,398 - He's gone. - I'm hungry. What time is it? 202 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,476 12 o'clock. We ordered Chinese. 203 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:18,190 - Pentagon brass, Sarge? I don't like it. - Relax. It's just army stuff. 204 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,390 It's got nothing to do with us. 205 00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:23,235 - Did you say 12 o'clock? - Yeah. 206 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:25,555 - Today's Saturday? - All day. 207 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:30,959 Saturday at noon. I have a strange feeling I'm supposed to be somewhere. 208 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:33,915 Hmm. 209 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,917 {y:i}(organ plays) 210 00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:37,917 I'll kill him. 211 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:48,675 - Poker game? - No, no. 212 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:52,436 - Racetrack. - No, no. It was something else. 213 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,871 {y:i}(sighs) 214 00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,514 My, that's a lovely dress. 215 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:01,790 - Thank you, Reverend. - Is it new? 216 00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:05,469 No, I wore it the last time the lying shit-heel stood me up. 217 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:06,715 Ah. 218 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,717 {y:i}(brakes screech) 219 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:22,628 {y:i}(horn blares) 220 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,548 Give me the ring. You were the best man last time. 221 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:33,513 - He didn't get married last time! - It's my turn! 222 00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:37,235 - How you gonna be best man? - Just give me the ring! 223 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:43,989 - But you can't hate him, you know? - I can hate him. I hate him right now. 224 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:45,997 Sweetheart... 225 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,720 Where are you going? Nobody leave. 226 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:54,868 You came to see me get married. You're going to - I don't particularly care who to. 227 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:58,437 Sweetheart! I know you're upset... 228 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,233 Daddy, stay out of this. I know what I'm doing. 229 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,553 - Nelson. - Huh? 230 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:06,513 Are you busy? Will you marry me? I love you. 231 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,915 I just never realised it until now. 232 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:14,471 Well, the thing is, Rita, I'm engaged... to your sister. 233 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,557 And? 234 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:24,077 {y:i}(bell tolls) 235 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:34,028 Don't ask. Don't even ask. 236 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:38,033 OK, ask. 237 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,635 Bunny face, you won't believe what happened. 238 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:45,788 There was this busload of sweet geriatrics. They went rolling down a mountain side... 239 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:47,876 Do you think I'm an idiot? 240 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:53,110 Ask Wally. He's new, a real straight arrow, never told a lie in his life. Wally? 241 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:56,558 See? 242 00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:58,875 Sweetheart, sweetheart... 243 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,434 Oh, baby... angel puff, you're overreacting! 244 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:05,678 - You know, it's... Ooh! Bad turnout. - It was full an hour ago. 245 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,951 Oh, sweetie, I... {y:i}(gasps) I'm well! 246 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,636 Sweetie, what can I do to make it up to you? 247 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:13,910 Whaddaya want? Just tell me. I'll do anything. 248 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,110 I've been waiting for seven years. 249 00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:20,558 What do I want? I want my seven years back. I can't live like this, Ernie. 250 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:23,399 I've got a maid of honour on call 24 hours a day. 251 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:27,672 And I'm the only woman with a wedding dress that's falling apart from wear. 252 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,312 - I'm sorry. - I think you love me, Ernie. 253 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:35,399 But you're so slippery, it's impossible to know what you're thinking. 254 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,351 Well, thank you. 255 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:40,756 I don't understand what you're so afraid of. 256 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,474 You know what I wanna do right here, right now? 257 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,477 No. Don't. 258 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,789 No. No, not this time. 259 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,279 - Don't, please. - One game, to 500. 260 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,155 Don't. Please don't. 261 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,230 Spade. It's a double. 262 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:04,756 Triple boxes, to 500. Penny a point. 263 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,914 - A four? - Yes. 264 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:12,038 Oh, two. Yeah. Come on. Here. Go, go, go. 265 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,477 What's up? 266 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:27,672 Well, Rocky and I were talkin' to Wally while you and Rita were in the church. 267 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,360 She's a nice girl. We don't like the way you treat her. 268 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,835 He's right, Sarge. You treat her like a rube. 269 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:36,032 - Wouldn't you be happier in the navy? - You jilted that girl. 270 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:38,355 She'll probably have to move to another town. 271 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,074 Will you relax? Rita and I have a special relationship. 272 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:44,112 You think she expected me to marry her today? Of course not. 273 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:46,913 She expected me to do just what I did. It's a game. 274 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,435 Someday you might lose that game, Ernie. 275 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,959 Very good, men. Make sure it's tight. 276 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:17,000 - Tight? - Whatever. 277 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:20,112 So, Major Ebersole, tomorrow's the big day. 278 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:23,596 - How's she look? - I hope it won't be too humiliating, sir. 279 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,638 What's supposed to happen? 280 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:29,230 Well, theoretically, and I wouldn't bet the farm... 281 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:35,040 ...the hovertank will lift off and hover several inches above the pond. 282 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:38,914 - Good. Very good. - Yeah. Then it will engage the targets... 283 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:42,510 ...the... the cannon. Boom. The ammunition dump. Kaboom. 284 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,790 That truck. Boom. 285 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:48,879 Excellent. One thought. Maybe it should be: boom, boom... 286 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,718 {y:i}... then kaboom. 287 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,919 You know, save that "kaboom" for the very last? Kind of like a "hoo-ah" grand finale. 288 00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:57,871 What do you think? 289 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:02,199 - I'll make a note of it, sir. - Good. 290 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,713 - Missed me. Now run! - Ow! 291 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,229 - Yeah. Gotcha. - Hey, there goes the sarge, man. 292 00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,237 Sarge! 293 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:14,831 - Hey, Dobie, come on, let's go. - Sarge, you get married yet? 294 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,952 - Not yet. - How did Rita take it this time? 295 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:20,150 Oh, she's happy. She took 40 bucks off me in a gin game. 296 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:21,474 Oh, she's great! 297 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:24,956 Paparelli. How's tickets goin' for the "Meet Stormin' Norman" barbecue? 298 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,036 - It's a sellout, Sarge. - Find a lookalike? 299 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:28,878 - We found one. - Ahh. 300 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,958 No wonder they call me a master sergeant. 301 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,910 You know, things weren't always this good. 302 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:39,113 When I first got my stripes at Fort Dix, I considered it my responsibility... 303 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:43,836 ...to provide the hardworking men and women with some wholesome recreation. 304 00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:48,197 - You ran the gambling. - That's right, Fender. 305 00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:52,438 But there was this lieutenant there - Lieutenant Colin Thorn. 306 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:59,229 {y:i}A lunatic. I mean, real smooth on {y:i}the outside, but underneath, barbed wire. 307 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:01,191 {y:i}He rode me like a jockey. 308 00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:04,073 {y:i}Pools, raffles, card games - {y:i}I couldn't do anything. 309 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,509 {y:i}It was like being in the army. 310 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:10,193 {y:i}(Bilko) All right, come on, baby. Let's go! 311 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:14,195 Hi. 312 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:18,076 {y:i}Finally, I got a break. They held {y:i}the division boxing finals at our post. 313 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:20,953 {y:i}You couldn't stop people {y:i}from betting on it. 314 00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:24,637 {y:i}It was a toss-up. {y:i}Now, to me, that's just sloppy. 315 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:29,032 I like a sporting event in which I know the outcome beforehand. It's more organised. 316 00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:33,437 {y:i}(bike bell rings) 317 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:39,516 {y:i}I get to one of the pugilists {y:i}and we reach a business accommodation. 318 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,517 {y:i}For a 50-50 split of our winnings... 319 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:45,030 {y:i}... he agrees to give less than {y:i}a supreme effort in the squared circle. 320 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:48,470 - {y:i}(Rocky) You paid him to take a dive. - {y:i}(Bilko) 0f course. 321 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:52,878 {y:i}I had this corporal w{y:i}orking for me - Leo Cletz. 322 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:06,158 {y:i}The night of the fight, I give him {y:i}the money to pay off my fighter. 323 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:09,875 {y:i}Leo misunderstands and gives {y:i}the money to the other fighter. 324 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:17,030 {y:i}This fighter's surprised, but figures "What {y:i}the heck? It's a good price. I'll go down. " 325 00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:20,357 Meanwhile, my guy figures "Bilko meant I'll get the money later." 326 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:24,029 - "No problem. I'll go down anyway." - So both think they're takin' a dive? 327 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,594 - Exactly. - What happened? 328 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:27,709 Boxing history. 329 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:55,473 {y:i}For three rounds, nobody hit anybody. {y:i}It was a dance recital. 330 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:16,950 {y:i}Finally, I think out of boredom, {y:i}one of the guys connected with a right. 331 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,516 What the hell's goin' on here? 332 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:27,113 {y:i}Lieutenant Thorn took it {y:i}as a personal insult. 333 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:30,152 - You OK? Did it hurt? - Very cute. 334 00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,832 {y:i}It looked like Thorn w{y:i}as paying off the fighter. 335 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,158 {y:i}He was cooked. 336 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:48,398 {y:i}They didn't have enough evidence for {y:i}a court martial, but sent him to Greenland. 337 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,718 {y:i}Game, set and match - Bilko. 338 00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,029 - Some story, huh? - Permission to speak freely? 339 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:03,994 - Again, permission. OK. - You dealt with him very dishonestly. 340 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:06,550 Never mind that. What happened to him? Thorn. 341 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:10,270 I don't know. I don't know what happened to him. 342 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:32,469 Colonel John Hall, garrison commander. Welcome to Fort Baxter, Major. 343 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:38,832 {y:i}(bugle plays reveille) 344 00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:48,997 {y:i}(snoring) 345 00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:58,956 Doberman! Wake up! 346 00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:00,957 {y:i}(coughs and snorts) 347 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:09,477 {y:i}(bugle repeats reveille) 348 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:13,197 {y:i}(snoring) 349 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,435 Come on, everyone! Up and at 'em! 350 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:37,791 {y:i}(all groan) 351 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:41,310 Come on, guys, let's not miss one minute of this beautiful day. 352 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:42,873 Hey! 353 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:47,152 - Get outta here! - I'll get the sarge! 354 00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,430 That's it. Now you guys gonna be in trouble. 355 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:51,757 {y:i}(reveille) 356 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:59,311 - Hey, Sarge! Get up. - What's the matter? 357 00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:03,752 Everybody take cover! Gather all the men! Man the battle stations and... 358 00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:06,553 What's that music? 359 00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:22,235 I understand, Major, this weapon system is in the experimental stage. 360 00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:25,750 But I think you'll be very impressed with the... noise it produces. 361 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,599 It's a powerful piece of equipment. 362 00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:32,110 Colonel, I really urge you not to go ahead with this. 363 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:34,959 Ah, Major Ebersole, Major Thorn. 364 00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:37,833 Major Ebersole is the brain behind the hovertank. 365 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,076 He's the one {y:i}really responsible. 366 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:44,030 - Thank you, sir. - Can we get on with this? 367 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,435 Of course. You good to go? 368 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:48,835 All right. Let's light this candle. 369 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:51,837 Hoo-ah! 370 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:58,158 You know, with all the base closings and downsizing, people here have been jumpy. 371 00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:00,157 Ready, Colonel. 372 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:02,915 {y:i}(Hall) This is exciting. 373 00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:16,515 OK, start her up. 374 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:26,277 {y:i}(rattling) 375 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,351 It still needs work. 376 00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:57,918 Fire. 377 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:04,631 Of course. 378 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:08,477 Get out! Watch out! 379 00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:41,155 Let's go, campers! It's 10am. Time to start the day. 380 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:45,790 - Mornin', Sarge. - It's that time of the decade. 381 00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:47,751 - You're taking a shower. - Do I have to? 382 00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:51,839 Everyone feels pretty strongly about it. Here's the petition. 383 00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:54,911 Aw, Sarge. 384 00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:59,913 Why are you sitting there? You were full of energy at 6am. 385 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:01,837 I don't think the guys like me. 386 00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:05,191 - Oh? What makes you say that? - They wrote me a note. 387 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:08,278 "Wally, we don't like you." And they all signed it. 388 00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:14,515 - Yeah, that's Doberman's "X". - Can I please have another roommate? 389 00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:16,517 - Why, what's the matter? - He wet his bed. 390 00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:20,155 - Oh, well, once in a while. - No. He did it from across the room. 391 00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:26,233 Major, please! At least won't you stay for lunch? 392 00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:28,715 - Do you like chicken casserole? - No. 393 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:31,195 Well, Major, let me be frank. 394 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:34,710 A negative report from you would be the death knell for Fort Baxter. 395 00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:38,116 - We've been in a slump... - Nine years without a successful test? 396 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:40,356 That's not a slump, that's a tradition. 397 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:44,359 But, Major, think for a minute about the men, their careers. 398 00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:47,074 {y:i}- My career. - Colonel, you play the hand you're dealt. 399 00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:49,839 This isn't the career I had in mind when I got out of OCS. 400 00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:52,554 Shining a seat with my ass in DC, visiting dumpy posts. 401 00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:55,069 I thought I'd be a colonel by now or maybe a general. 402 00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:59,079 Sorry. What I saw today was a dust cloud that cost $70 million. Good morning. 403 00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:03,637 Wait! There's a lot more to Fort Baxter than just R&D, Major. 404 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,672 - We have an award-winning commissary. - Try the casserole. 405 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:09,030 And our softball team won the division title. 406 00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:11,799 And Sergeant Bilko's platoon is in the glee club finals. 407 00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:13,990 I'll certainly keep that in mind. 408 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,077 Did you say Bilko? 409 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:27,157 Yeah. 410 00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:29,430 Is that {y:i}Ernie Bilko? 411 00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:32,590 One and the same. 412 00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:35,511 Maybe I will stay for lunch. 413 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:39,076 Well, hoo-ah! Ignite that chicken casserole, Captain Moon! 414 00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:40,997 Yes, sir! 415 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:56,949 Now, where did that one go? 416 00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:13,278 - Hey, you're eight over par, Sarge! - Well, fix it. 417 00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:16,278 - Sarge, they let you do this? - I never asked. They'd say no. 418 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:17,799 It is an army post. 419 00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:19,797 {y:i}(dog barking) 420 00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:28,112 All right, I got 5-1 on Lover's Knot. 421 00:31:28,320 --> 00:31:31,630 - $20 says I can hit the parking lot. - I don't gamble. 422 00:31:32,360 --> 00:31:34,590 - What is it you {y:i}do do? - Permission to speak... 423 00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:36,312 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. 424 00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:39,989 I get up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life. 425 00:31:40,120 --> 00:31:44,079 Would you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill? 426 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:45,952 {y:i}(Thorn) Bilko! 427 00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:47,593 (w{y:i}hispers) It can't be. 428 00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:50,750 Lieutenant Thorn. 429 00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:55,318 - Actually, it's Major Thorn now. - Well, congratulations. 430 00:31:56,960 --> 00:32:00,748 I didn't know you were still in the service. I'd have looked you up long ago. 431 00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:01,756 I'll bet. 432 00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:05,759 Tell me, Colonel, is he still the same rascal he was at Fort Dix? 433 00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:08,633 - That's one way of putting it. - You changed my life. 434 00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:11,228 Remember that little boxing match? 435 00:32:11,560 --> 00:32:13,471 Boxing match... Hmm. 436 00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:17,434 That made me a new man. You remember how stiff and uptight I used to be? 437 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:20,358 Thanks to him, I realised you can't treat people that way. 438 00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:22,835 I'm a better man for it. Thanks, Ernie. 439 00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:24,473 - Sure. - {y:i}(dogs barking) 440 00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:27,912 - What was that? - Greyhounds, sir. 441 00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:30,508 - How long will you be with us, Major? - Not long. 442 00:32:30,640 --> 00:32:33,029 Colonel, what do you say we have that casserole? 443 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,913 Absolutely, and some jellied yams as well. 444 00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:37,917 Ha. 445 00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:44,435 Let's get back to the barracks and cancel everything-dances, raffles, everything. 446 00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:08,230 God, I forgot it's the play-offs! 447 00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:12,388 Sarge! Here's the money from the blade rentals. 448 00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:15,990 Stop, stop! Put that away! Stop, everyone! Stop! 449 00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:19,870 {y:i}Ridin' along in my automobile 450 00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:22,195 {y:i}My baby beside me at the wheel 451 00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:26,199 {y:i}I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile 452 00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:30,111 It's Hall with Major Thorn. Looks like a surprise inspection. 453 00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:34,074 An inspection? Now? Look at this place! 454 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:36,475 - ETA, 90 seconds. - {y:i}(Bilko) Think. Think. 455 00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:39,194 I've got to think. Where's Alpha company? 456 00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:41,231 Field exercises. 457 00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:43,351 {y:i}So we parked way out on the Kokomo 458 00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:47,759 {y:i}The night was young {y:i}and the moon was gold 459 00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:50,754 {y:i}So we both decided to take a stroll 460 00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:54,311 {y:i}Can you imagine the way I felt? 461 00:33:55,680 --> 00:33:58,114 {y:i}I couldn't unfasten her safety belt 462 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:01,834 {y:i}Cruisin' and playin' the radio 463 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:05,513 {y:i}With no particular place to go 464 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:18,117 Um, which way are we... 465 00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:20,392 ...facing here? 466 00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:25,594 Uh, well... it would have to be this one here. 467 00:34:26,440 --> 00:34:29,750 Over hill, over dale we have hit the dusty trail 468 00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:33,236 As those caissons go rolling along 469 00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:36,909 And it's hi, hi, hee in the field artillery 470 00:34:37,240 --> 00:34:39,117 {y:i}(Hall) Bilko. 471 00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:41,755 Ten-hut, platoon! 472 00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:47,633 - Major Thorn wants to see the barracks. - An inspection? 473 00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:50,320 I wish we had a little more time. We're not prepared. 474 00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:54,149 It just gives me a thrill to see what a first-rate top kick can do with a platoon. 475 00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:57,192 - Why don't they stand by their rooms? - Certainly. Sergeant? 476 00:34:57,320 --> 00:35:00,915 Really, sir, if the glee club misses practice, I won't be responsible... 477 00:35:01,040 --> 00:35:06,319 - I said now! - Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut! 478 00:35:12,240 --> 00:35:14,231 - Is this your room, soldier? - Yes, sir. 479 00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:16,794 Follow me. 480 00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:27,477 Who's this? 481 00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:33,317 It's the cast of my favourite TV show, sir: {y:i}The African-American Hour. 482 00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:35,431 Oh? I've never heard of it. 483 00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:39,951 It's on cable. See, it's funny, but it also makes you think. 484 00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:43,159 Ah. Hm. 485 00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:10,357 {y:i}(toy squeaks) 486 00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:20,636 Are these yours? 487 00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:26,029 It is my understanding that you can no longer ask me these questions, sir. 488 00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:29,550 It's a new army, Major. 489 00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:31,671 We're all adjusting. 490 00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:43,077 {y:i}(sniffs) 491 00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:48,158 - Whose bunk is this? - Uh, mine, sir. 492 00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:52,068 - That corner is not squared off! - What? I told you to make this bunk! 493 00:36:52,200 --> 00:36:56,239 Now, I don't want any of your excuses! Now, drop and give me 20! Ha! 494 00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:00,553 {y:i}(grunts) 495 00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:03,274 All right. One. We're going for one. 496 00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:06,230 Colonel, you're a very courageous man. 497 00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:08,920 Oh! I saw a little combat duty in Kor... 498 00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:11,397 Courageous? What do you mean? 499 00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:14,910 Thumbing your nose at army regulations. But I guess your men come first. 500 00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:17,600 - And 20. - My men? First? 501 00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:21,238 - What does he mean, Bilko? - This soldier, sir. 502 00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:24,875 I'd say he's about 50 pounds over his maximum allowable weight. 503 00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:28,629 What are the chances of that being discovered and your being blamed? 504 00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:30,432 Blamed? 505 00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:33,358 Sergeant, I want him at regulation weight in six weeks. 506 00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:34,913 Yes, sir! 507 00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:53,038 Adelaide, of course we'll get married, sooner or later. 508 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:57,039 Nathan Detroit, after 14 years, it is already too late to be sooner. 509 00:37:57,520 --> 00:38:01,513 I'm from Rhode Island, where people do not remain engaged for 14 years. 510 00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:05,111 - They get married. - Then why is it such a small state? 511 00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:08,994 Miss Robbins. I don't get it. 512 00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:13,318 Why would Adelaide stick around if he, like, disses her all the time? 513 00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:16,000 Doesn't she have any self-esteem? 514 00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:20,033 Well, that's a very interesting question. 515 00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:24,278 - {y:i}(Bilko) Certainly is. - Ernie! What are you doing here? 516 00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:26,397 - Did you get the flowers I sent ya? - No. 517 00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:29,830 Darn. I'll call FedEx and have 'em put a trace on it. 518 00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:32,997 That's right, sweetheart. Nathan's a hustler. 519 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:35,873 He's irresponsible, and he's careless with the truth. 520 00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:39,629 But the one thing he never lies about is how much he cares for Adelaide. 521 00:38:39,840 --> 00:38:42,149 See, that's his core, and she knows it. 522 00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:46,910 OK, let's take a break for ten minutes. And that was really good. 523 00:38:47,560 --> 00:38:49,437 Wonderful. 524 00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:58,269 Ernie, I've been thinking, and I don't think we should see each other any more. 525 00:38:58,400 --> 00:39:01,153 Sweetheart, you promised to go to the Rusty Spur with me. 526 00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:05,273 - You never give up, do you? - Come on. Come on, sweetheart... 527 00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:08,312 ...go to the Rusty Spur with me. It'd be like old times. 528 00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:14,311 All right, but you've got 30 days. If this finger is still naked in 30 days... 529 00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:16,317 ...it's adios, Pepe. 530 00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:21,950 I mean it this time. This is your last chance. 531 00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:48,510 Major. I'm Lieutenant Oster and this is... 532 00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:52,713 Lieutenant Monday. We're here from the Inspector General's Office, sir. 533 00:39:52,840 --> 00:39:57,118 I asked for the best number crunchers in the army! I hope that's what they sent! 534 00:39:57,240 --> 00:40:00,232 - If there's been any malfeasance... - Or embezzlement... 535 00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:01,554 We will find it. 536 00:40:01,680 --> 00:40:05,116 This guy we're going after's been feeding off the khaki tit for years. 537 00:40:05,240 --> 00:40:09,438 He's a master sergeant. His name is Ernie Bilko. Get him! 538 00:40:12,640 --> 00:40:15,313 - Forget it, Bilko. - But, sir, the moment my boys heard... 539 00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:18,034 ...about the desert manoeuvre, they volunteered. 540 00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:20,913 We still haven't got over being left out of Desert Storm. 541 00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:23,429 How the orders got crisscrossed, I'll never know. 542 00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:27,269 But if we could go on these manoeuvres, it would make up, in some small way... 543 00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:29,152 You must think I'm a nincompoop. 544 00:40:29,280 --> 00:40:32,078 A nincompoop? An NCP? On the contrary, sir. 545 00:40:32,200 --> 00:40:34,430 - I think you're one of the finest... - Las Vegas. 546 00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:37,199 - What, sir? - The desert manoeuvre will take place... 547 00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:39,550 ...15 miles from Las Vegas, Nevada. 548 00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:42,319 Really? I had no idea. Won't that be fun? 549 00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:46,513 - Lake Mead, Hoover Dam. - Forget it. You've got bigger problems. 550 00:40:46,640 --> 00:40:50,679 Two hatchet men - excuse me, hatchet persons - 551 00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:54,156 ...from the Inspector General's Office came to audit the motor pool accounts. 552 00:40:54,280 --> 00:40:57,078 - I wonder who tipped them off? - Yes, I wonder. 553 00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:01,638 (w{y:i}oman) Fort Baxter. How may I direct your call? Motor pool? 554 00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:06,436 Listen, Bilko, I might tell you this whole post is skating on thin ice with hot blades. 555 00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:08,471 Don't let them find anything. 556 00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:11,433 - Is the colonel suggesting a cover-up? - A cover-up? 557 00:41:11,560 --> 00:41:14,518 Why, no. Is there... anything to cover up? 558 00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:17,470 No... sir. 559 00:41:18,920 --> 00:41:21,480 Good. Then I'm not suggesting one. 560 00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:26,311 Just do... whatever it is you do to make these things go away. 561 00:41:28,240 --> 00:41:30,117 {y:i}I can't help myself 562 00:41:31,120 --> 00:41:33,270 {y:i}Bad habits 563 00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:36,191 {y:i}I'm runnin' wild 564 00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:38,757 {y:i}Lost control 565 00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:42,793 {y:i}Well, I must confess 566 00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:45,958 {y:i}Cos I can't repress 567 00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:50,195 In the last two months you billed the army for 72 windshields? 568 00:41:50,320 --> 00:41:53,357 That was a mistake. One of my men, Private Buttersworth... 569 00:41:53,480 --> 00:41:55,596 ...had a hairline crack in his glasses. 570 00:41:55,720 --> 00:41:57,438 - A crack? - Yes, a hairline crack. 571 00:41:57,560 --> 00:42:00,358 So to him, it looked like all the windshields were broken. 572 00:42:00,480 --> 00:42:03,074 I transferred him right out. That's the way I am. 573 00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:07,079 She's crazy about you. Every time you're not looking, she stares. 574 00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:12,991 You just missed it. 575 00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:23,036 Sergeant, in the past two days we've found a number of possible irregularities. 576 00:42:23,160 --> 00:42:27,358 - Now, if you can't produce receipts... - She's staring at you again. 577 00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:29,357 Oh, just missed it! 578 00:42:29,800 --> 00:42:31,518 There. 579 00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:34,200 {y:i}... that a boy like me 580 00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:38,838 {y:i}Has got so many bad habits 581 00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:44,797 {y:i}I said, all of these bad habits 582 00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:52,279 {y:i}All of these bad habits 583 00:42:56,120 --> 00:42:57,997 {y:i}(bells ring) 584 00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:03,552 Nothing? You found nothing? 585 00:43:03,680 --> 00:43:06,035 All my training tells me he's hiding something. 586 00:43:06,160 --> 00:43:08,754 Every time we're about to find something... 587 00:43:08,880 --> 00:43:12,270 - It dissolves. - It's like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall. 588 00:43:12,400 --> 00:43:16,075 - No. It's like watching a magician. - He's got you watching his left hand... 589 00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:18,953 And his right hand keeps pullin' rabbits! 590 00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:21,310 Well, then, let's tie his hands. 591 00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:26,110 Ernie, will you dance with me tonight? 592 00:43:26,240 --> 00:43:29,437 That's up to you. Last time, I accidentally stepped on your knee. 593 00:43:29,560 --> 00:43:31,790 - What if they play our song? - We have a song? 594 00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:33,911 Don't you remember the first time we...? 595 00:43:34,040 --> 00:43:36,270 Only you 596 00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:39,233 How could I forget our song? When they play it tonight... 597 00:43:39,360 --> 00:43:43,478 ...you and I will dance the most romantic dance we've ever danced in our entire life. 598 00:43:43,600 --> 00:43:46,672 - You promise? - That's a promise from Ernest G Bilko. 599 00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:51,349 Put some drive in your country 600 00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:55,950 Keep country drivin' on 601 00:43:57,600 --> 00:44:00,068 When the music gets you movin' 602 00:44:01,280 --> 00:44:03,077 You know it can't be long 603 00:44:03,200 --> 00:44:06,875 Baby, this is our night. Just us. Just you and me. All night long. No soldiers. 604 00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:09,036 - What do you wanna do? - Let's shoot some pool. 605 00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:11,799 - Oh, yeah. - Hey, Sarge. You're late! 606 00:44:13,640 --> 00:44:17,838 - We want to celebrate the audit with ya. - Those bean counters didn't have a clue. 607 00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:21,956 I know, I know. Sometimes I'm so damn good I scare myself. 608 00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:24,716 Just us, huh? 609 00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:30,476 If you see her out tonight 610 00:44:31,040 --> 00:44:35,875 And she tells you that it's just the lights 611 00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:37,911 That bring her here 612 00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:42,511 And not her loneliness 613 00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:47,114 That's what she says... 614 00:44:47,240 --> 00:44:49,800 - I'll go get us a couple of drinks. - OK. 615 00:44:59,640 --> 00:45:02,313 ...every word she says 616 00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:04,590 A scorpion and a brandy alexander. 617 00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:08,109 That's what she says... 618 00:45:08,680 --> 00:45:10,989 The future Mrs "Permission to Speak Freely"? 619 00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:14,954 Oh, no. I mean, I don't know her. I never even... I don't know her. 620 00:45:15,080 --> 00:45:16,957 {y:i}(music ends) 621 00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:21,989 Thank you very much, everybody. we'll be back in just a couple of minutes. 622 00:45:22,120 --> 00:45:23,917 - I'll introduce ya. - You know her? 623 00:45:24,040 --> 00:45:26,235 - No. - She's with someone. 624 00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:28,237 A detail. 625 00:45:31,600 --> 00:45:34,717 - Ah, you must be in Bravo company. - No, Charlie company. 626 00:45:34,840 --> 00:45:36,990 - Charlie Company! Haven't you heard? - What? 627 00:45:37,120 --> 00:45:39,588 You're shipping out - Operation Vacuum Cleaner. 628 00:45:39,720 --> 00:45:41,790 - Operation... - Shh! 629 00:45:41,920 --> 00:45:45,117 I want his name. I want it known that in this moment of crisis... 630 00:45:45,240 --> 00:45:47,708 ...this man chose to sit here and eat bar nuts. 631 00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:51,833 - I didn't know! - Go ye into the night! Hut, hut, hut, hut! 632 00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:56,074 All right. Now I'll settle this. 633 00:45:57,080 --> 00:45:58,991 - Hmm. - Excuse me? 634 00:45:59,160 --> 00:46:02,709 You were right. Those are the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. 635 00:46:02,840 --> 00:46:04,592 - Did he say that? - Oh, yeah. 636 00:46:04,720 --> 00:46:07,951 He said your eyes were like diamonds sparkling on a summer night. 637 00:46:08,080 --> 00:46:12,437 The old sergeant's eyes didn't see what he saw. Anyway, here's the $20 I bet you. 638 00:46:12,560 --> 00:46:17,076 I think the least you can do is sit down and buy this young lady some dinner. 639 00:46:17,200 --> 00:46:19,589 Sit down and buy dinner! Go! Hey! 640 00:46:20,120 --> 00:46:21,917 Ah, to be young again. 641 00:46:23,000 --> 00:46:25,639 - That's my sergeant. - Oh. 642 00:46:31,680 --> 00:46:34,069 Oh! Major Ebersole, boys. Welcome to the Spur. 643 00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:38,557 Oh, I've been here before. Uh... five years ago. 644 00:46:38,680 --> 00:46:41,274 I had... a scotch and soda. 645 00:46:41,400 --> 00:46:43,994 Good. A place like this depends on repeat business. 646 00:46:44,120 --> 00:46:48,910 They're repainting our club, so we had to move our weekly poker game down here. 647 00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:53,033 Poker. I've heard wonderful things about that game. Can I watch? 648 00:46:53,160 --> 00:46:56,197 - You don't play poker? - I'm pretty busy at the motor pool... 649 00:46:56,320 --> 00:47:01,269 ...up to my elbows in grease. Maybe I could join... Oh, no, there's a problem. 650 00:47:01,400 --> 00:47:03,470 I don't have any change. 651 00:47:03,600 --> 00:47:07,309 We can make change. It's OK. 652 00:47:07,520 --> 00:47:09,795 Oh, goody. I get to play cards. 653 00:47:11,000 --> 00:47:14,595 {y:i}... long way home just to think of an alibi 654 00:47:14,720 --> 00:47:17,757 {y:i}Well, I couldn't think of a dozen things 655 00:47:17,880 --> 00:47:18,949 {y:i}That hadn't already... 656 00:47:19,080 --> 00:47:22,959 - Get you somethin'? - Scotch, rocks. Good-looking woman. 657 00:47:23,080 --> 00:47:24,957 That's Bilko's girl. 658 00:47:25,720 --> 00:47:27,756 Now she looks even better. 659 00:47:30,240 --> 00:47:32,515 I'm dealing you five cards. 660 00:47:32,640 --> 00:47:35,029 - Five cards. Let me write this down. - Yeah, OK. 661 00:47:35,160 --> 00:47:38,232 Now, the worst hand that you can have... 662 00:47:38,360 --> 00:47:41,955 ...is if you only have one high card and nothing else that matches. 663 00:47:42,080 --> 00:47:47,108 - But then comes a pair. - A pair. How exciting. A pair. 664 00:47:47,640 --> 00:47:50,154 {y:i}(applause) 665 00:47:50,480 --> 00:47:54,553 Only you 666 00:47:55,280 --> 00:48:00,308 Can make this world seem right 667 00:48:01,360 --> 00:48:03,954 Oh, thanks. Have you seen Ernie? 668 00:48:04,560 --> 00:48:06,835 - No, I haven't. - Will you hold this a second? 669 00:48:06,960 --> 00:48:08,916 - Sure. - Thanks. 670 00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:13,875 Excuse me. Have you guys seen Ernie? 671 00:48:14,000 --> 00:48:15,877 - No. - No. 672 00:48:16,840 --> 00:48:18,717 Ernie? 673 00:48:19,320 --> 00:48:20,435 Ernie! 674 00:48:20,760 --> 00:48:23,832 I have three jacks and two sixes. What's that called again? 675 00:48:23,960 --> 00:48:27,635 - A full house. - What a cute name. A full house. 676 00:48:27,920 --> 00:48:30,639 - Is that good? - Yes, that means you win. 677 00:48:32,320 --> 00:48:35,949 - Again. - Oh, God, this is almost embarrassing. 678 00:48:36,080 --> 00:48:38,116 What is that? Five in a row? 679 00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:41,677 What a lovely watch. Now, let's see. We'll just shuffle. 680 00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:43,950 Oops. Clumsy me. 681 00:48:45,040 --> 00:48:47,235 - OK. Cut? Thank you. - Hey! 682 00:48:47,360 --> 00:48:50,477 Sorry. All right. OK. 683 00:48:54,520 --> 00:48:57,990 You are my destiny 684 00:48:58,120 --> 00:49:02,193 Oh. You hear that song? It means I gotta go. 685 00:49:03,880 --> 00:49:07,316 Gee, I feel bad. Can't I give some of this back? 686 00:49:08,680 --> 00:49:11,433 No, that would be wrong, wouldn't it? 687 00:49:11,560 --> 00:49:14,870 All right, well, I'll just take these IOUs... 688 00:49:15,120 --> 00:49:19,716 ...and the pink slip, and you can cash me out and I'll see you back at the base. 689 00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:21,592 - Ernie! - Good evening, sir. 690 00:49:21,720 --> 00:49:23,358 Excuse us, Major. 691 00:49:23,480 --> 00:49:28,349 Listen, I don't know why, but the colonel's decided to climb all over your sorry butt. 692 00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:30,630 I'm afraid the party's over, Ernie. 693 00:49:30,760 --> 00:49:35,436 Get back to the post. I'd like to see your men on the parade ground at 0500 hours. 694 00:49:35,560 --> 00:49:38,028 - Yes, sir. Weather permitting. - What permitting? 695 00:49:38,160 --> 00:49:40,230 Who said that? 696 00:49:40,360 --> 00:49:42,999 It's payback time, Bilko. 697 00:49:43,360 --> 00:49:46,193 If it's all the same to you, I'll tell my girlfriend we're leaving. 698 00:49:46,320 --> 00:49:53,078 It's {y:i}not all the same to me, Bilko. Move it! Hut, hut, hut! Hut, hut, hut, hut! 699 00:49:53,440 --> 00:49:57,718 You are my destiny 700 00:50:02,080 --> 00:50:04,116 This solves nothing. 701 00:50:04,440 --> 00:50:06,476 {y:i}This solves everything. 702 00:50:08,600 --> 00:50:11,672 You haven't seen someone called Ernie Bilko, have you? 703 00:50:12,040 --> 00:50:14,315 Oh, yes. He left a few minutes ago. 704 00:50:14,440 --> 00:50:18,353 - Are you sure? - Yep, I definitely saw him go, in a hurry. 705 00:50:18,560 --> 00:50:22,553 You see, I happen to know Major Ebersole offered him a poker game. 706 00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:26,470 You're my dream come true 707 00:50:27,200 --> 00:50:34,470 My one and only you 708 00:50:34,680 --> 00:50:36,875 I can drop you off on my way back to the post. 709 00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:40,231 - This is very nice of you. - Not at all. 710 00:50:40,360 --> 00:50:42,237 May I ask you... 711 00:50:43,640 --> 00:50:47,110 ...could I call on you sometime? - Oh, well, you see, I'm... 712 00:50:47,480 --> 00:50:49,755 I just broke up with someone. 713 00:50:49,880 --> 00:50:54,431 - He must be devastated. - Oh... he doesn't know yet. 714 00:51:03,440 --> 00:51:05,237 {y:i}(reveille) 715 00:51:06,600 --> 00:51:12,072 Fall in! Arrgh! And gather! Gather in... in a square! All right. 716 00:51:14,760 --> 00:51:16,637 Good! 717 00:51:17,280 --> 00:51:21,592 All right, you've seen real soldiers before. Just... do what they do. 718 00:51:26,280 --> 00:51:29,829 All right, let's do the "grab the rifle by the bottom" thing! 719 00:51:30,200 --> 00:51:32,077 Arrgh! 720 00:51:32,680 --> 00:51:36,070 All right! Now, let's do the, you know, the shoulder thing! 721 00:51:36,200 --> 00:51:40,159 Arrgh! The shoulder thing! Ah! Arrgh! Arrgh! Yes. 722 00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:44,872 All right. And now the... the "showing the rifle for the inspection" bit. 723 00:51:45,000 --> 00:51:46,752 Go! Arrgh! Arrgh! 724 00:51:46,880 --> 00:51:49,030 {y:i}(gunshot) 725 00:51:56,560 --> 00:51:58,437 {y:i}(yelling) 726 00:52:02,960 --> 00:52:06,430 {y:i}Well, my feet can't fail me now {y:i}My feet can't fail me now 727 00:52:06,680 --> 00:52:09,433 {y:i}My feet can't fail me now {y:i}My feet can't fail me now 728 00:52:10,360 --> 00:52:13,079 {y:i}My feet can't fail me now {y:i}My feet can't fail me now 729 00:52:15,320 --> 00:52:16,719 Go, go, go, go! 730 00:52:20,480 --> 00:52:22,914 Dobie, come on! Come on, buddy. 731 00:52:23,320 --> 00:52:26,039 {y:i}My feet can't fail me now {y:i}My feet can't fail me now 732 00:52:26,320 --> 00:52:29,710 {y:i}My feet can't fail me now {y:i}My feet can't fail me now 733 00:52:30,280 --> 00:52:32,874 {y:i}My feet can't fail me now {y:i}My feet can't fail me now 734 00:52:35,600 --> 00:52:37,830 {y:i}(yelling) 735 00:52:42,360 --> 00:52:45,432 {y:i}My feet can't fail me now {y:i}My feet can't fail me now 736 00:52:45,560 --> 00:52:48,711 {y:i}Said feet can't fail me now {y:i}My feet can't fail me now 737 00:52:49,080 --> 00:52:51,958 {y:i}My feet can't fail me now {y:i}My feet can't fail me now 738 00:52:52,240 --> 00:52:55,198 {y:i}My feet can't fail me now {y:i}My feet can't fail me now 739 00:53:01,560 --> 00:53:03,437 No. Nope. 740 00:53:12,040 --> 00:53:14,395 I'm just so damn proud. 741 00:53:20,200 --> 00:53:23,351 {y:i}My feet can't fail me now {y:i}My feet can't fail me now 742 00:53:23,480 --> 00:53:26,313 {y:i}My feet can't fail, fail, fail, fail me now 743 00:53:30,240 --> 00:53:32,708 I can barely move my legs 744 00:53:32,960 --> 00:53:35,520 I can barely move my legs 745 00:53:35,640 --> 00:53:38,279 Do me a favour and kill me now 746 00:53:38,520 --> 00:53:41,080 Do me a favour and kill me now 747 00:53:41,200 --> 00:53:44,112 Something, something rhymes with legs 748 00:53:44,360 --> 00:53:47,158 Something, something rhymes with legs 749 00:53:47,280 --> 00:53:50,192 My life is over anyhow 750 00:53:50,440 --> 00:53:52,317 {y:i}(Doberman pants) 751 00:53:52,640 --> 00:53:54,631 {y:i}(Wally sniggers) 752 00:53:54,760 --> 00:53:57,513 - Sarge! - Sarge! He's killing us! 753 00:53:57,640 --> 00:54:00,313 - I can't do this. - What's the matter with you people? 754 00:54:00,440 --> 00:54:01,839 Generation X! 755 00:54:01,960 --> 00:54:04,599 - He's killin' us! - You've all gone soft! 756 00:54:04,760 --> 00:54:06,751 - Get serious, Sarge! - I am serious. 757 00:54:06,880 --> 00:54:09,599 I've been thinking about this. You're Bilko's platoon! 758 00:54:09,720 --> 00:54:11,950 Whatever they dish out, we can take. 759 00:54:12,080 --> 00:54:14,196 I want to see you two in my quarters. 760 00:54:20,880 --> 00:54:23,633 - Oh! - {y:i}(both) Sarge. 761 00:54:24,240 --> 00:54:27,676 I'm paralysed. I have no feeling from the hair down. 762 00:54:27,800 --> 00:54:30,439 Make the bad man stop. 763 00:54:33,320 --> 00:54:36,835 - Who are you calling? - Rita. Her voice will make me feel better. 764 00:54:36,960 --> 00:54:39,838 Ow. Ow, ow, ow. 765 00:54:40,440 --> 00:54:42,670 {y:i}(phone ringing) 766 00:54:44,960 --> 00:54:46,837 {y:i}(ringing) 767 00:54:54,120 --> 00:54:57,237 If any of this is frightening, just hold onto me. 768 00:54:58,440 --> 00:55:01,352 They're dancing Raisinets. 769 00:55:01,880 --> 00:55:05,190 And you don't find that frightening? 770 00:55:10,080 --> 00:55:11,991 {y:i}Let's work 771 00:55:12,120 --> 00:55:13,792 {y:i}Be proud 772 00:55:13,920 --> 00:55:15,433 {y:i}Stand tall 773 00:55:16,720 --> 00:55:20,599 - Sarge? Sarge. - What's the matter? 774 00:55:22,560 --> 00:55:24,710 I put on three pounds. 775 00:55:25,560 --> 00:55:28,597 Funny, it doesn't show. Luis! This calls for plan A. 776 00:55:28,800 --> 00:55:33,715 That won't work. He's on his way over. He says if I can't do ten push-ups... 777 00:55:33,840 --> 00:55:36,559 ...he's gonna move me out. 778 00:55:41,320 --> 00:55:43,197 All right! Plan B. 779 00:55:50,520 --> 00:55:53,876 Major Thorn, you look fantastic, sir! Have you lost w... 780 00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:58,950 {y:i}(grunting) 781 00:55:59,560 --> 00:56:01,551 Good work, Doberman! 782 00:56:02,840 --> 00:56:05,991 {y:i}(all grunt) 783 00:56:09,840 --> 00:56:13,469 So, John, if you spoke to the officers and their wives, it would mean a lot. 784 00:56:13,600 --> 00:56:17,593 They keep hearing rumours that Fort Baxter will be shut down. 785 00:56:17,720 --> 00:56:23,238 Frankly, sweetheart, after this hovertank disaster, I don't know what might happen. 786 00:56:23,360 --> 00:56:27,592 Oh, dear. I didn't realise it was that bad. 787 00:56:27,720 --> 00:56:31,508 Well, you will think of something. I have complete faith in you. 788 00:56:31,640 --> 00:56:33,790 - Thank you. - {y:i}(rapping on door) 789 00:56:34,520 --> 00:56:37,751 - Sorry, I didn't realise you had company. - Quite all right, Bilko. 790 00:56:37,880 --> 00:56:40,599 Colonel, you didn't tell me there was a movie star here. 791 00:56:40,720 --> 00:56:43,393 Sharon Stone! The men will be so excited. 792 00:56:43,520 --> 00:56:45,715 - Bilko. - We've seen all your movies. 793 00:56:45,840 --> 00:56:48,593 - They're a little racy for me. - Sergeant Bilko... 794 00:56:48,720 --> 00:56:50,312 You know this is Mrs Hall. 795 00:56:50,440 --> 00:56:54,718 Mrs Hall! Cradle robber. You were dazzled by an older man, is that it? 796 00:56:54,840 --> 00:56:56,432 - Bilko! - Yes, my colonel? 797 00:56:56,560 --> 00:56:59,279 John, I will see you later. 798 00:56:59,400 --> 00:57:01,755 Right this way, Miss Stone. Uh... Mrs Hall. 799 00:57:04,680 --> 00:57:07,194 - What is it, Sergeant? - Sir, if I could ask you again. 800 00:57:07,320 --> 00:57:09,311 - These desert manoeuvres... - You can go. 801 00:57:09,440 --> 00:57:12,716 If you'd seen the look on the men's faces when I said we wouldn't... 802 00:57:12,840 --> 00:57:15,035 - I said I've changed my mind. - Zimmerman... 803 00:57:15,160 --> 00:57:17,628 ...I had to cradle him in my... We can go? 804 00:57:25,280 --> 00:57:28,431 - Have a safe trip, Sergeant. - Yes, sir. We'll make you proud, sir. 805 00:57:28,560 --> 00:57:30,437 Oh, sure. 806 00:57:32,040 --> 00:57:34,554 {y:i}Bright light city gonna set my soul 807 00:57:34,680 --> 00:57:37,353 {y:i}Gonna set my soul on fire 808 00:57:38,280 --> 00:57:40,510 {y:i}Viva Las Vegas 809 00:57:41,520 --> 00:57:43,670 {y:i}Viva Las Vegas 810 00:57:44,160 --> 00:57:47,391 {y:i}There's blackjack and poker {y:i}and the roulette wheel 811 00:57:47,520 --> 00:57:50,512 {y:i}All you need's a strong heart {y:i}and a nerve of steel 812 00:57:50,840 --> 00:57:53,195 {y:i}Viva Las Vegas 813 00:57:54,040 --> 00:57:56,395 {y:i}Viva Las Vegas 814 00:57:57,200 --> 00:57:59,509 {y:i}Viva Las Vegas 815 00:58:00,440 --> 00:58:02,715 {y:i}Viva Las Vegas with your neon flashing 816 00:58:02,840 --> 00:58:04,990 Sarge, you're crying. 817 00:58:05,120 --> 00:58:07,634 It's just... so beautiful. 818 00:58:08,360 --> 00:58:11,511 {y:i}Viva, viva, Las Vegas 819 00:58:11,640 --> 00:58:14,359 All right, soldiers. Prepare for manoeuvres! 820 00:58:15,560 --> 00:58:19,235 I killed an afternoon convincing Colonel Dunderhead he'd be in trouble... 821 00:58:19,360 --> 00:58:21,510 ...if Bilko didn't go on the manoeuvres. 822 00:58:21,640 --> 00:58:24,871 You've got three days to get into this computer. 823 00:58:25,000 --> 00:58:27,275 Find me everything. 824 00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:32,310 If he stole a match, I want to know about it. 825 00:58:34,680 --> 00:58:36,477 {y:i}I'm goin' to party town 826 00:58:36,600 --> 00:58:37,715 {y:i}Yeah, yeah 827 00:58:37,840 --> 00:58:39,956 {y:i}I wanna party down 828 00:58:40,080 --> 00:58:41,115 {y:i}Yeah, yeah 829 00:58:41,240 --> 00:58:44,550 {y:i}I wanna have some fun {y:i}I'm gonna fool around 830 00:58:44,680 --> 00:58:46,398 {y:i}I'm goin' to party town 831 00:58:47,800 --> 00:58:49,677 {y:i}Right here in party town 832 00:58:49,800 --> 00:58:50,869 {y:i}Yeah, yeah 833 00:58:51,000 --> 00:58:53,070 {y:i}They really party down 834 00:58:53,200 --> 00:58:54,155 {y:i}Yeah, yeah 835 00:58:54,280 --> 00:58:56,316 {y:i}Man, it's a party town 836 00:58:56,440 --> 00:58:57,429 {y:i}Yeah, yeah 837 00:59:01,000 --> 00:59:02,274 - Where we goin'? - Craps. 838 00:59:02,400 --> 00:59:04,994 Think of the changes you wanna make when we own this place. 839 00:59:05,120 --> 00:59:08,351 Hey, Sarge, I was thinkin', is it safe for us to be off the base? 840 00:59:08,480 --> 00:59:11,358 - Thorn will be up to somethin'. - You just thought of that? 841 00:59:11,480 --> 00:59:15,917 Relax. Before we left, I had Luis encrypt the files. It'll take 'em years to break in. 842 00:59:16,080 --> 00:59:18,150 We're in. 843 00:59:26,520 --> 00:59:27,714 {y:i}(Thorn) Good job. 844 00:59:27,880 --> 00:59:30,155 Now, how far back do you want us to go? 845 00:59:30,280 --> 00:59:32,555 You two kids have just been sensational. 846 00:59:32,680 --> 00:59:35,797 Why don't you knock off for the rest of the evening? 847 00:59:36,600 --> 00:59:38,875 And do what? 848 00:59:39,000 --> 00:59:42,231 - Have fun. Unwind. - Hm. 849 00:59:42,360 --> 00:59:44,476 - Well, shall I...? - No, leave it on for a second. 850 00:59:44,600 --> 00:59:49,151 I'd just like to check on one or two things, just out of curiosity. 851 00:59:50,120 --> 00:59:52,953 Well, good night. 852 00:59:53,400 --> 00:59:54,674 Good night. 853 00:59:56,040 --> 00:59:59,396 I think it was very exciting, the way you broke into that computer. 854 00:59:59,520 --> 01:00:01,715 - It was? - Yes! 855 01:00:02,880 --> 01:00:05,519 - {y:i}(0ster) Can I buy you a drink? - Why, yes. 856 01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:19,150 Oh, oh, oh! There they go! 857 01:00:26,760 --> 01:00:28,239 Oh, my. All right. 858 01:00:28,360 --> 01:00:32,273 Oh! Ouch! They're hot! They're hot. Quick, quick, cool 'em off. 859 01:00:33,840 --> 01:00:36,718 Press the six and the eight and the black ten. 860 01:00:36,840 --> 01:00:39,638 - All right, here we go. Now... - Oh, he's shakin' 'em off. 861 01:00:40,240 --> 01:00:44,358 Uh-oh, he's comin' with the pitch. It looks like the high, hard one! 862 01:00:47,720 --> 01:00:49,915 Ooh, baby! Oh, good. 863 01:00:50,040 --> 01:00:54,158 Gently. OK, and now, it's just a little... It's easy, it's easy, it's easy. 864 01:00:54,280 --> 01:00:56,475 It's just... behind the back. 865 01:00:56,600 --> 01:00:59,273 Winner! We have a winner. 866 01:01:02,200 --> 01:01:04,668 Wait a minute. This chip is scratched. 867 01:01:06,760 --> 01:01:07,795 - Mr Bilko. - Yes? 868 01:01:07,920 --> 01:01:10,480 That's quite a run. Is there anything we can do for you? 869 01:01:10,600 --> 01:01:14,798 Yes, go to your vault and tell your money to be patient. We'll be together soon. 870 01:01:16,120 --> 01:01:18,918 You mean he stood you up {y:i}before that night at the Rusty Spur? 871 01:01:19,040 --> 01:01:21,349 Mm-hm. He left me standing at the altar. 872 01:01:21,960 --> 01:01:23,951 There can be no excuse for that. 873 01:01:24,080 --> 01:01:28,710 You'd be surprised. He had a new excuse every time. They were all pretty amazing. 874 01:01:28,840 --> 01:01:31,195 - He did that more than once? - Mm-hm. 875 01:01:32,040 --> 01:01:34,759 Rita, you have a lot of love to give. 876 01:01:35,240 --> 01:01:37,800 And you're smart. Why put up with a clown like that? 877 01:01:37,920 --> 01:01:42,596 Because it was exciting. With Ernie, every day was anything-can-happen day. 878 01:01:42,720 --> 01:01:44,995 Some couples play Scrabble. 879 01:01:45,120 --> 01:01:48,351 This isn't a game we're talking about - it's your life. 880 01:01:48,480 --> 01:01:51,836 Where I come from, when you tell a woman you'll marry her, you mean it. 881 01:01:51,960 --> 01:01:56,317 You know something? I would never stand you up. I'd never not call you. 882 01:01:57,120 --> 01:02:01,716 But then, I'm an officer with career prospects. I can handle responsibility. 883 01:02:01,840 --> 01:02:03,512 I guess you can. 884 01:02:03,640 --> 01:02:05,790 Wouldn't you like a man who's there for you? 885 01:02:05,920 --> 01:02:09,196 A man who wants to get married, settle down and have a family. 886 01:02:09,320 --> 01:02:11,197 Yes. 887 01:02:12,480 --> 01:02:14,198 I bought you this. 888 01:02:18,040 --> 01:02:19,393 A ring! 889 01:02:19,520 --> 01:02:22,034 Two carats of cubic zirconia. 890 01:02:22,560 --> 01:02:24,437 It's beautiful. 891 01:02:30,040 --> 01:02:31,314 Oh... 892 01:02:31,440 --> 01:02:34,079 This is happening... too fast. 893 01:02:35,160 --> 01:02:37,549 I don't want to hurt Ernie. 894 01:02:38,000 --> 01:02:39,433 No. 895 01:02:39,560 --> 01:02:41,949 We really don't want to hurt Ernie. 896 01:02:45,200 --> 01:02:47,555 - That's when Vegas was Vegas. - Excuse me, Mr Bilko? 897 01:02:47,680 --> 01:02:50,752 - He said it was an emergency. - This must be the Pentagon. 898 01:02:50,880 --> 01:02:53,189 Hello? I can hardly hear you. 899 01:02:53,320 --> 01:02:56,710 Rita Robbins. She's been out with that guy Thorn every night. 900 01:02:57,040 --> 01:02:59,235 - Thorn? {y:i}- Since before you went on manoeuvres. 901 01:02:59,360 --> 01:03:03,353 Tomorrow night they're going out to that fancy French restaurant in Roseville. 902 01:03:03,480 --> 01:03:07,473 She's lookin' pretty weak, Ernie, I gotta tell ya. Like she would do anything. 903 01:03:10,320 --> 01:03:12,709 - Thanks, Sowicki. - Bye, Ernie. 904 01:03:14,520 --> 01:03:17,034 - Thank you, Stan. - Hey, thank {y:i}you! 905 01:03:17,160 --> 01:03:19,720 For allowing me to screw with Bilko's head. 906 01:03:19,840 --> 01:03:21,796 Oh, it isn't a game this time, Stan. 907 01:03:21,920 --> 01:03:24,718 I just need to find out how much he {y:i}really loves me. 908 01:03:24,840 --> 01:03:27,195 - He loves you plenty. - More than Las Vegas? 909 01:03:27,360 --> 01:03:29,191 That's asking a lot. 910 01:03:30,360 --> 01:03:32,237 {y:i}(rings) 911 01:03:32,760 --> 01:03:36,912 {y:i}(answer phone) Hi, this is Rita. I'm not in {y:i}right now. Please leave a message. 912 01:03:37,040 --> 01:03:40,555 Rita, it's me, Ernie. I'm on my way home. I hear you're seeing Thorn... 913 01:03:40,680 --> 01:03:44,593 ...and I just don't want you to take it too seriously. He's only with you to annoy me. 914 01:03:45,720 --> 01:03:49,952 I see. He couldn't possibly be interested in me-that would be ridiculous. 915 01:03:50,080 --> 01:03:52,753 Rita, you're there. This guy has terrible qualities. 916 01:03:52,880 --> 01:03:57,396 - For one thing, he's very manipulative. - He seemed nice to me. Goodbye. 917 01:03:58,600 --> 01:04:00,636 Hello? Hello? 918 01:04:01,520 --> 01:04:04,432 Rita? Rita? 919 01:04:08,760 --> 01:04:10,910 Why do you smell the cork? 920 01:04:11,560 --> 01:04:13,994 Your eyes are hazel, aren't they? 921 01:04:14,120 --> 01:04:15,155 Green. 922 01:04:15,280 --> 01:04:17,271 {y:i}(Bilko) I never have sex on the first date. 923 01:04:17,400 --> 01:04:22,758 Thank God, it's our third. Oh, this is such a... Oh, can't you just smell that... salad? 924 01:04:22,880 --> 01:04:24,757 Yes, I have a reservation. 925 01:04:25,880 --> 01:04:31,159 Ah, this must be the table. You know, what they do very well here is the garlic. 926 01:04:31,280 --> 01:04:33,635 Oh, I touched you. My temperature is rising. 927 01:04:33,760 --> 01:04:39,073 Waiter, could we have two glasses of red house, uh... {y:i}s'il vous please? 928 01:04:39,200 --> 01:04:40,269 In. 929 01:04:41,680 --> 01:04:43,557 Bilko. What a fool. 930 01:04:43,680 --> 01:04:45,079 Yeah. 931 01:04:45,200 --> 01:04:47,998 How can he afford to eat here on a sergeant's pay? 932 01:04:48,120 --> 01:04:51,749 - I'll be a lieutenant colonel very soon. - No kidding? 933 01:04:52,360 --> 01:04:54,555 {y:i}(exaggerated laugh) 934 01:04:54,800 --> 01:04:57,758 - That woman's kind of attractive too. - You think so? 935 01:04:57,880 --> 01:05:00,030 Well, not compared to you, of course. 936 01:05:00,600 --> 01:05:03,353 Anyway, I understand the oysters here are... 937 01:05:03,480 --> 01:05:06,153 ...very, uh, very, uh... imported. 938 01:05:07,040 --> 01:05:09,873 - Just get me out of here fast. - Relax, Paparelli. 939 01:05:10,000 --> 01:05:12,514 If you wanna make Rita jealous, why not use Barbella? 940 01:05:12,640 --> 01:05:17,236 She knows Barbella. I needed someone she can't recognise. Someone alluring. 941 01:05:18,480 --> 01:05:20,357 Thank you. 942 01:05:22,200 --> 01:05:27,752 Ah! Well, it's Rita Robbins and Major Thorn! Ah! A-ha-ha, aha. 943 01:05:28,280 --> 01:05:30,840 Um, excuse me. One moment. 944 01:05:33,080 --> 01:05:36,868 - {y:i}(Bilko clears throat) - She's coming over? She's coming over? 945 01:05:39,200 --> 01:05:42,749 Ernie, you made Paparelli get into drag just to make me jealous? 946 01:05:42,880 --> 01:05:46,919 Well, actually, he was already in drag. Paparelli, scram! Get going. 947 01:06:05,520 --> 01:06:07,829 Rita, you can't marry Thorn. You don't love him. 948 01:06:07,960 --> 01:06:11,270 Think of the children. You're a Catholic and he's an asshole! 949 01:06:11,400 --> 01:06:15,791 How would you raise them? And he's already cheating on you with Paparelli. 950 01:06:16,840 --> 01:06:18,717 Hi, soldier boy. 951 01:06:20,760 --> 01:06:22,637 {y:i}(hisses suggestively) 952 01:06:25,960 --> 01:06:29,191 Sowicki never told you I was marrying Thorn. 953 01:06:30,720 --> 01:06:34,952 You told Sowicki to call me. You manipulated me. How could you? 954 01:06:35,080 --> 01:06:39,278 Why not? I have a master's in manipulation from the University of Bilko. 955 01:06:39,400 --> 01:06:41,914 You tricked me. You sucked me in. 956 01:06:43,320 --> 01:06:46,357 This is the most turned on I've ever been in my life. 957 01:06:46,800 --> 01:06:49,075 Rita, I'm so glad we're back together again. 958 01:06:49,280 --> 01:06:51,236 Twelve more days. 959 01:06:59,120 --> 01:07:01,076 No wonder the hovertank never worked. 960 01:07:01,200 --> 01:07:05,671 Yes, sir. He's been diverting research funds into his own private account. 961 01:07:06,240 --> 01:07:11,473 For all the differences I've had with Bilko over the years, I've always liked him. 962 01:07:11,600 --> 01:07:13,750 The way he kept up the men's morale. 963 01:07:13,880 --> 01:07:17,873 The way he'd pretend to cry when I went on leave. The way, on my birthday... 964 01:07:18,000 --> 01:07:22,278 ...he'd have the men mow my name in the main lawn with a big heart around it. 965 01:07:23,480 --> 01:07:26,916 - But now there'll be a court martial. - Yes, sir. 966 01:07:27,040 --> 01:07:29,156 - Unless... - Unless? 967 01:07:29,280 --> 01:07:32,989 It's just that I know we'd both do anything to spare Bilko a court martial. 968 01:07:33,120 --> 01:07:35,588 If he could just be quietly punished. 969 01:07:35,720 --> 01:07:37,870 {y:i}(sighs) Yeah, sure. 970 01:07:38,960 --> 01:07:41,030 But... but how? 971 01:07:41,160 --> 01:07:43,355 The CO has certain powers, sir. 972 01:07:44,400 --> 01:07:48,598 - Powers? - Can't he, for instance, have a soldier... 973 01:07:50,760 --> 01:07:52,637 ...trans... 974 01:07:53,800 --> 01:07:56,155 Trans... atlantic? 975 01:07:59,080 --> 01:08:01,469 Trans... vestite? 976 01:08:04,320 --> 01:08:07,312 - Transferred! - What a wonderful idea. 977 01:08:07,880 --> 01:08:10,474 Yes, well, the wheels are always spinning. 978 01:08:11,280 --> 01:08:16,559 It'd have to be somewhere where there'd be no chance of him making trouble again. 979 01:08:20,680 --> 01:08:22,955 Greenland? 980 01:08:23,160 --> 01:08:26,835 He's been out walking by himself for, like, four hours. 981 01:08:27,400 --> 01:08:29,868 - What's he doin'? - He's thinkin'. 982 01:08:30,080 --> 01:08:34,312 - I thought I heard him crying. - He even asked for a box of tissues. 983 01:08:37,800 --> 01:08:39,472 I guess {y:i}you're happy. 984 01:08:39,600 --> 01:08:42,831 Yeah. He hated the sarge. He was probably helping Thorn to get him. 985 01:08:42,960 --> 01:08:45,428 - I was not! - Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 986 01:08:45,560 --> 01:08:48,393 This is Bilko we're talkin' about here. Bilko! 987 01:08:48,520 --> 01:08:50,715 Nobody gets the best of Bilko. Come on! 988 01:08:50,840 --> 01:08:53,354 - That's right. - {y:i}(Paparelli) He'll think of somethin'. 989 01:08:53,480 --> 01:08:56,995 Remember when I got the letter from my wife sayin' she wanted to break up? 990 01:08:57,120 --> 01:08:59,588 - Remember what Bilko did? - He got your wife back? 991 01:08:59,840 --> 01:09:02,149 No, he got me another wife. A better wife! 992 01:09:02,360 --> 01:09:06,239 - Yeah! - He'll come up with his best plan ever. 993 01:09:06,360 --> 01:09:09,750 Listen, I pity Major Thorn. When Bilko gets done with him... 994 01:09:10,640 --> 01:09:13,200 - {y:i}(Doberman) Sarge! - Ten-hut! 995 01:09:13,320 --> 01:09:15,072 Hey, Sarge! 996 01:09:15,200 --> 01:09:17,668 - Sarge! - Sarge! You've come back! 997 01:09:19,200 --> 01:09:22,078 Ah, Doberman. The son I never wanted. 998 01:09:23,200 --> 01:09:25,395 Fall in and look this way! 999 01:09:29,800 --> 01:09:31,677 Hello, soldiers. 1000 01:09:32,640 --> 01:09:36,155 I'm talking to {y:i}you. Because that's what you are really. 1001 01:09:36,280 --> 01:09:39,192 Soldiers, every last one of you - with a couple of exceptions. 1002 01:09:39,320 --> 01:09:41,117 - He's got a plan. - He sure does. 1003 01:09:41,240 --> 01:09:44,949 I wanna tell you a little story. There was once a little boy... 1004 01:09:45,080 --> 01:09:48,675 ...and that little boy had a dream to run one of the most sophisticated... 1005 01:09:48,800 --> 01:09:51,917 ...illegal gaming operations the US Army has ever seen. 1006 01:09:52,040 --> 01:09:53,234 - He's not worried. - Not a bit. 1007 01:09:53,360 --> 01:09:55,590 And that little boy's dream came true. 1008 01:09:55,720 --> 01:09:59,156 But now they're trying to snatch that dream back from him. 1009 01:09:59,320 --> 01:10:00,912 - He {y:i}is worried. - That's not good. 1010 01:10:01,040 --> 01:10:04,350 But what are the last two letters in the name Bilko? K-O! 1011 01:10:04,480 --> 01:10:07,153 Of course, the first are B-l-L, which is meaningless. 1012 01:10:07,280 --> 01:10:10,909 But still, am I giving up? No! Never! Well, kind of, but not really... 1013 01:10:11,040 --> 01:10:14,589 ...because there is no way I am going to Greenland. 1014 01:10:14,720 --> 01:10:17,314 Well, you're probably wondering if I have a plan. 1015 01:10:17,440 --> 01:10:23,913 Well, of course I have a plan! A P-L-A-N. Plan. 1016 01:10:25,360 --> 01:10:27,237 But... 1017 01:10:28,120 --> 01:10:29,678 - He's got no plan. - We're screwed. 1018 01:10:29,800 --> 01:10:33,588 - I have a plan, Sarge. - But maybe a plan is not what I need! 1019 01:10:33,720 --> 01:10:36,917 What I really need is just a little puppy. 1020 01:10:37,040 --> 01:10:41,158 A little puppy with big, brown eyes who'll just come to me and lick my face... 1021 01:10:41,280 --> 01:10:45,558 ...and just love me so much, no matter what kind of person I am. 1022 01:10:45,680 --> 01:10:46,749 {y:i}(Bilko sobs) 1023 01:10:46,880 --> 01:10:48,871 Sarge, I really do have a plan. 1024 01:10:49,720 --> 01:10:53,713 Oh, so now {y:i}you have a plan. Well, let's hear your plan, Wally. 1025 01:10:54,320 --> 01:10:58,074 What if the hovertank did work? That'd prove you haven't diverted the money. 1026 01:10:58,200 --> 01:11:00,760 Oh! That is so stup... What? 1027 01:11:00,920 --> 01:11:04,913 That would prove you hadn't been diverting the money. Wouldn't it? 1028 01:11:07,720 --> 01:11:09,995 Are you saying you can get the hovertank to work? 1029 01:11:10,120 --> 01:11:15,433 No, of course not. But we don't need to hold four aces if they {y:i}think we hold 'em. 1030 01:11:18,080 --> 01:11:20,389 Permission to speak freely? 1031 01:11:21,080 --> 01:11:24,390 Tell me a bit more about this plan, because I think that's actually... 1032 01:11:24,520 --> 01:11:27,193 If they come, deny everything. Just act dumb. 1033 01:11:27,320 --> 01:11:29,754 Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that. 1034 01:11:32,920 --> 01:11:36,390 I love the nightlife, I like to boogie 1035 01:11:36,520 --> 01:11:38,511 I like to rock all night long 1036 01:11:38,640 --> 01:11:40,517 {y:i}(Bilko) Ahem. 1037 01:11:40,840 --> 01:11:43,513 Oh... it's you, Bilko. 1038 01:11:43,640 --> 01:11:45,949 Sir, if I could talk with you just for a moment. 1039 01:11:46,080 --> 01:11:49,516 If you've come to talk about Greenland, you're wasting your time. 1040 01:11:49,640 --> 01:11:51,790 Frankly, Sergeant, I'm disappointed. 1041 01:11:51,920 --> 01:11:55,390 Sir, all I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work. 1042 01:11:55,520 --> 01:11:58,114 - I didn't steal money, sir. - Please, Bilko. 1043 01:11:59,400 --> 01:12:01,755 Let's just say goodbye. 1044 01:12:01,880 --> 01:12:03,836 And thank you. 1045 01:12:03,960 --> 01:12:06,679 - For what, sir? - Well, for... 1046 01:12:07,160 --> 01:12:10,277 ...always making me feel like I actually ran this place. 1047 01:12:10,400 --> 01:12:12,277 Good old Fort Baxter. 1048 01:12:13,040 --> 01:12:15,679 I guess your garden is one of the things you'll miss most. 1049 01:12:15,800 --> 01:12:17,552 Ah, yes. I love... 1050 01:12:17,680 --> 01:12:20,035 {y:i}- Miss? Why miss? - The colonel hasn't heard? 1051 01:12:20,160 --> 01:12:23,914 - In that case, it must not be true. - What? Uh... they're closing Fort Baxter? 1052 01:12:24,040 --> 01:12:26,235 You didn't hear it from me. 1053 01:12:26,360 --> 01:12:29,318 Take good care of yourself in... I've said enough. 1054 01:12:29,480 --> 01:12:31,550 Have you heard where they're sending me? 1055 01:12:31,680 --> 01:12:34,956 - You're stepping on your flowers. - The hell with them! Where? 1056 01:12:35,080 --> 01:12:37,833 - Where are they sending me? - It's just rumour, sir. 1057 01:12:37,960 --> 01:12:41,270 Oh, that fair skin under the burning desert sun... 1058 01:12:41,800 --> 01:12:45,395 Oh, my God. The {y:i}desert sun. 1059 01:12:45,520 --> 01:12:48,398 Remember, if you get lost, travel by night. 1060 01:12:48,520 --> 01:12:52,877 - How can they do this to me? - The hovertank test was the last straw. 1061 01:12:53,000 --> 01:12:55,514 Too bad they didn't schedule it this week. 1062 01:12:55,640 --> 01:12:57,517 Well... 1063 01:12:57,920 --> 01:12:59,797 - Goodbye. - Wha...? Wait! 1064 01:13:00,080 --> 01:13:03,709 - You mean the hovertank is working? - Oh, I know what you're thinking, sir: 1065 01:13:03,840 --> 01:13:06,229 ..."Arrange a public demonstration ASAP." 1066 01:13:06,360 --> 01:13:08,749 "Call the Pentagon and the Department of the Army." 1067 01:13:08,880 --> 01:13:11,599 - All right. - I've already taken that liberty, sir. 1068 01:13:11,720 --> 01:13:13,597 - Thank you. - Oh, that picture of you... 1069 01:13:13,720 --> 01:13:16,234 ...standing triumphant at the test. 1070 01:13:16,360 --> 01:13:19,750 That'll keep me warm on those lonely nights in Greenland. 1071 01:13:21,000 --> 01:13:23,116 In {y:i}Greenland, sir. 1072 01:13:23,480 --> 01:13:25,436 Oh. Yes. 1073 01:13:25,560 --> 01:13:27,710 Well, goodbye. 1074 01:13:29,120 --> 01:13:30,599 - Ah, Bi... - Yes, sir? 1075 01:13:33,240 --> 01:13:36,038 If the test goes well, you won't be transferred. 1076 01:13:36,480 --> 01:13:38,914 Well, thank you, sir! I'm stunned! 1077 01:13:39,640 --> 01:13:41,790 Just as a formality, I've put that in writing. 1078 01:13:41,920 --> 01:13:45,356 If you could just sign here and here, and initial here. 1079 01:13:48,760 --> 01:13:50,796 - Here? - Uh, no. Here. 1080 01:13:51,480 --> 01:13:54,040 And I'll just notarise that. 1081 01:13:54,160 --> 01:13:57,550 - And I'll waive the usual ten-dollar fee. - Oh. Thank you. 1082 01:13:59,160 --> 01:14:01,390 Here you are. Good day. 1083 01:14:03,080 --> 01:14:05,071 No, it'll hover. But as before... 1084 01:14:05,200 --> 01:14:09,239 ...it will go completely haywire if we attempt to fire the cannon. 1085 01:14:09,360 --> 01:14:11,794 We know that. We just need a couple of hours with it. 1086 01:14:11,920 --> 01:14:15,754 - Let's get started. - It's a $70-million piece of equipment. 1087 01:14:15,880 --> 01:14:18,997 You think I'm gonna allow one of your men to fool around with it? 1088 01:14:19,120 --> 01:14:21,475 - I think not. - Oh. Mm-hm. 1089 01:14:21,640 --> 01:14:25,428 Oh, boy. Oh, my, is it hot in here or what? 1090 01:14:25,560 --> 01:14:28,472 What's this? Oh! I almost forgot I had these. 1091 01:14:28,600 --> 01:14:31,034 It's the IOUs from the poker game. 1092 01:14:31,160 --> 01:14:34,118 - Would he like to use my tools? - That would be nice. 1093 01:14:38,920 --> 01:14:42,276 - You saw it? - Yeah, it blew up the ammunition shed. 1094 01:14:42,480 --> 01:14:45,552 - A perfect hit. - {y:i}(louder) The hovertank? 1095 01:14:45,680 --> 01:14:48,399 - I thought that thing was busted. - Yeah, it was. 1096 01:14:48,520 --> 01:14:50,317 But the kid, Wally, he fixed it. 1097 01:14:50,440 --> 01:14:52,635 He said the key was the... 1098 01:14:53,320 --> 01:14:55,197 The...? 1099 01:14:56,080 --> 01:14:58,958 The fire-control and super-elevator board. 1100 01:14:59,640 --> 01:15:03,428 - Imagine that. - Yeah, the super-elevator board. 1101 01:15:03,560 --> 01:15:08,475 And the great thing is, if it works at the demonstration, Bilko gets to stay. 1102 01:15:08,600 --> 01:15:10,477 Great! 1103 01:15:37,520 --> 01:15:39,397 Yeah. 1104 01:16:00,040 --> 01:16:04,158 - Wonderful to see you again, General. - You, too, Colonel. Mrs Hall. 1105 01:16:04,600 --> 01:16:08,388 - And, of course, you know Major Thorn. - Thorn. 1106 01:16:19,680 --> 01:16:21,557 {y:i}(deep sigh) 1107 01:16:29,080 --> 01:16:32,311 - Tank crew ready, sir. - Very good, Bilko. General. 1108 01:16:32,440 --> 01:16:34,795 Master Sergeant Bilko. It's an honour to meet you. 1109 01:16:34,920 --> 01:16:38,230 - You look terrific! Have you lost weight? - Who is this? 1110 01:16:38,600 --> 01:16:43,037 Members of Congress, General Tennyson, colleagues from the defence industries... 1111 01:16:43,160 --> 01:16:45,230 ...distinguished guests, welcome. 1112 01:16:46,960 --> 01:16:49,349 The weapon system you are about to see today... 1113 01:16:49,480 --> 01:16:55,112 ...can be called the world's first truly all-terrain assault vehicle... 1114 01:16:55,240 --> 01:16:59,916 ...which I'm proud to say was developed entirely in-house, here at Fort Baxter. 1115 01:17:00,680 --> 01:17:05,037 I give you the armoured attack platform to lead American defence forces... 1116 01:17:05,160 --> 01:17:10,154 ...into the 21st century. The HTX-1 hovertank. 1117 01:17:20,240 --> 01:17:24,313 Water and rough terrain can stop an ordinary M1 or APC... 1118 01:17:24,440 --> 01:17:27,750 ...but the hovertank can literally rise above these obstacles. 1119 01:17:27,880 --> 01:17:31,429 And that is the capability we will show you here today. 1120 01:17:31,720 --> 01:17:33,995 Hovertank, you are looking good. 1121 01:17:35,760 --> 01:17:39,070 Hovertank, fire when ready. Hoo-ah! 1122 01:17:39,800 --> 01:17:40,755 {y:i}(groans) 1123 01:17:54,760 --> 01:17:56,637 {y:i}(applause) 1124 01:18:05,440 --> 01:18:08,034 Ha. This little bird packs a deadly punch. 1125 01:18:37,960 --> 01:18:39,712 Fire in the hole! 1126 01:19:12,720 --> 01:19:17,271 - You hit the wrong button, Rastahead! - It's not my fault! He wired it wrong! 1127 01:19:19,960 --> 01:19:21,393 Any questions? 1128 01:19:43,200 --> 01:19:45,270 Congratulations, honey. 1129 01:19:46,080 --> 01:19:47,911 - Home run, sir! - Thank you, Captain. 1130 01:19:48,040 --> 01:19:50,759 - We'll rush this baby into production. - Thank you. 1131 01:19:50,880 --> 01:19:54,429 Jack, I thank you on behalf of a grateful nation. 1132 01:19:54,560 --> 01:19:57,757 I just can't wait to see what you fellas come up with next. 1133 01:19:59,000 --> 01:20:01,833 Wait! Wait. The demonstration was rigged. 1134 01:20:01,960 --> 01:20:05,669 Ah, do I see politics in your future, sir? Perhaps a run at the Oval Office? 1135 01:20:05,800 --> 01:20:07,916 I've never given that serious consideration. 1136 01:20:08,040 --> 01:20:09,996 Wait! General! He faked it! 1137 01:20:10,120 --> 01:20:13,510 Didn't you see the gun was aimed at target three, but blew up target four? 1138 01:20:13,640 --> 01:20:14,993 Yes, I did. 1139 01:20:15,120 --> 01:20:17,873 If you remember Einstein's theory, space is curved. 1140 01:20:18,000 --> 01:20:20,753 - Yes. - And these are smart weapons. 1141 01:20:21,920 --> 01:20:25,071 Oh, cut the crap! He faked it. It's just one of his scams. 1142 01:20:25,320 --> 01:20:28,312 That's a serious charge. Colonel, what about this? 1143 01:20:28,440 --> 01:20:30,476 General, in all my years in the service... 1144 01:20:30,600 --> 01:20:33,797 ...I have never, not once, publicly berated a fellow officer. 1145 01:20:33,920 --> 01:20:37,629 But I realise now that from the moment Major Thorn set foot on Fort Baxter... 1146 01:20:37,760 --> 01:20:41,275 ...he engaged in a personal vendetta against Master Sergeant Bilko. 1147 01:20:41,400 --> 01:20:45,473 I find his conduct inexcusable, and will recommend an article 32 investigation. 1148 01:20:45,600 --> 01:20:47,318 - I see. - {y:i}(Thorn) You don't understand. 1149 01:20:47,440 --> 01:20:51,638 He doesn't know what's going on. This sergeant leads him around by the nose! 1150 01:20:51,800 --> 01:20:55,429 Major! You are the most insubordinate officer I have ever met. 1151 01:20:56,760 --> 01:21:00,799 I'm telling you, he's a boob! He doesn't get it! They faked the whole thing! 1152 01:21:00,920 --> 01:21:05,471 I'd like to see just one piece of evidence to support these idiotic allegations. 1153 01:21:05,600 --> 01:21:10,754 Idiotic, huh? How's this for evidence? The fire-control and super-elevator board. 1154 01:21:10,880 --> 01:21:13,997 I took it out last night, so how can it work? 1155 01:21:21,680 --> 01:21:24,558 So you deliberately sabotaged this project, Major? 1156 01:21:24,680 --> 01:21:26,955 I got it all on tape. 1157 01:21:27,280 --> 01:21:28,872 Lucky. 1158 01:21:30,080 --> 01:21:31,957 (w{y:i}ind howling) 1159 01:21:34,800 --> 01:21:36,950 - Whoo! - Yeah, celebration time. 1160 01:21:37,080 --> 01:21:38,957 Chin-chin. 1161 01:21:40,240 --> 01:21:44,279 Because I know Pap knew it, and I... Stand, troops! 1162 01:21:46,240 --> 01:21:49,949 - You're in the presence of a genius. - {y:i}(all) Hoo-ah! 1163 01:21:50,080 --> 01:21:54,756 You're a total kingpin. You got Thorn to sabotage something that didn't work! 1164 01:21:55,040 --> 01:21:59,511 Yeah, well, I couldn't have done it without our Wally. Where is he, where is the lad? 1165 01:21:59,640 --> 01:22:01,949 Here, Sarge. 1166 01:22:02,760 --> 01:22:06,116 I was just resetting the colonel's odometer. 1167 01:22:13,880 --> 01:22:16,792 - I told you Wally was all right. - OK. Glee club. 1168 01:22:31,360 --> 01:22:32,679 Oh, well. 1169 01:22:32,800 --> 01:22:37,794 Only you, only you, only you 1170 01:22:38,280 --> 01:22:43,115 Can make this change in me 1171 01:22:43,640 --> 01:22:48,395 Only you 1172 01:22:48,520 --> 01:22:51,592 You are my destiny 1173 01:22:51,880 --> 01:22:54,110 Destiny 1174 01:22:54,240 --> 01:22:59,473 When you hold my hand, I understand the 1175 01:22:59,600 --> 01:23:05,550 Magic that you do, magic that you do 1176 01:23:06,160 --> 01:23:11,393 Ooh, you're my dream come true 1177 01:23:11,520 --> 01:23:15,115 My one and only 1178 01:23:15,880 --> 01:23:16,756 You 1179 01:23:16,880 --> 01:23:17,835 Hum 1180 01:23:18,200 --> 01:23:19,428 Hum 1181 01:23:19,960 --> 01:23:23,475 It's only you 1182 01:23:24,800 --> 01:23:26,631 Very nice. 1183 01:23:26,760 --> 01:23:28,591 Aw, get up, Bilko. 1184 01:23:29,440 --> 01:23:35,037 Marry me, Rita. I know I'm a long shot, but sometimes long shots pay off big. 1185 01:23:38,360 --> 01:23:40,555 {y:i}(soldiers cheer) 1186 01:23:44,120 --> 01:23:46,839 {y:i}(organ plays "{y:i}0nward, Christian Soldiers") 1187 01:24:01,480 --> 01:24:03,357 {y:i}(music ends) 1188 01:24:07,800 --> 01:24:10,553 {y:i}(organ resumes) 1189 01:24:25,320 --> 01:24:29,916 Don't even ask. I forgot it was daylight-savings time. Can you believe it? 1190 01:24:30,280 --> 01:24:32,714 Well, better late than never. 1191 01:24:38,760 --> 01:24:40,398 - Poker? - All right. 1192 01:24:41,120 --> 01:24:42,758 Nickel ante. 1193 01:24:44,280 --> 01:24:47,955 Let's make it interesting. One hand of showdown. 1194 01:24:48,320 --> 01:24:51,118 If I win, we get married. 1195 01:24:54,080 --> 01:24:56,196 Ernie, I don't think that's such a good idea. 1196 01:24:56,320 --> 01:25:00,279 I've never known you to chicken out of a game, whatever the stakes. 1197 01:25:06,480 --> 01:25:08,357 (w{y:i}hispers) You're on. 1198 01:25:10,200 --> 01:25:12,350 Well, well, well, what do you know? 1199 01:25:12,480 --> 01:25:15,119 - Full house. Jacks over threes. - You cheated! 1200 01:25:15,240 --> 01:25:17,037 - No, and we're getting married! - When? 1201 01:25:17,160 --> 01:25:19,879 Now! {y:i}(blows whistle) 1202 01:25:26,360 --> 01:25:28,237 Daddy! 1203 01:25:28,640 --> 01:25:30,995 - Ow! - Dearly beloved, we are gathered here... 1204 01:25:31,120 --> 01:25:33,236 ...to witness the joining of these two good people in holy matrimony. 1205 01:25:33,360 --> 01:25:36,432 Rita Robbins, do you take Ernest Bilko to love, honour and cherish... 1206 01:25:36,560 --> 01:25:39,358 ...for richer or poorer... - Think we're moving too fast? 1207 01:25:39,480 --> 01:25:40,754 - I do. - Let's go! 1208 01:25:40,880 --> 01:25:44,475 - Do you, Ernest Bilko, take Rita... - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do. 1209 01:25:44,600 --> 01:25:49,230 By the power vested in me, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may ki... 1210 01:25:51,040 --> 01:25:52,917 Ah. 1211 01:26:23,240 --> 01:26:25,674 {y:i}Doo, doo-doo, {y:i}doo, doo, doo, doo 1212 01:26:25,800 --> 01:26:28,439 {y:i}Livin' in the USA 1213 01:26:28,560 --> 01:26:31,120 {y:i}Doo, doo-doo, {y:i}doo, doo, doo, doo 1214 01:26:31,240 --> 01:26:33,800 {y:i}Livin' in the USA 1215 01:26:33,920 --> 01:26:36,150 {y:i}Where are you goin' to? 1216 01:26:36,560 --> 01:26:38,790 {y:i}What are you gonna do? 1217 01:26:38,920 --> 01:26:41,673 {y:i}Do you think that it will be easy? 1218 01:26:41,800 --> 01:26:46,510 {y:i}Do you think that it will be pleasin'? {y:i}Hey, hey, what'd you say? 1219 01:26:46,640 --> 01:26:49,473 {y:i}I won't pay, I'd rather play 1220 01:26:49,600 --> 01:26:54,037 {y:i}It's my freedom {y:i}Ah, don't worry about me, babe 1221 01:26:54,240 --> 01:26:56,435 {y:i}I got to be free, babe 1222 01:26:57,080 --> 01:26:59,913 {y:i}Hey, hey, hey, yeah 1223 01:27:01,040 --> 01:27:03,634 {y:i}Doo, doo-doo, {y:i}doo, doo, doo, doo 1224 01:27:03,760 --> 01:27:06,228 {y:i}Livin' in the USA 1225 01:27:06,360 --> 01:27:08,920 {y:i}Doo, doo-doo, {y:i}doo, doo doo, doo 1226 01:27:09,040 --> 01:27:11,508 {y:i}Livin' in the USA 1227 01:27:12,560 --> 01:27:16,838 {y:i}Hey, we're gonna make it, baby 1228 01:27:17,720 --> 01:27:22,840 {y:i}Yeah, we got to shake it, baby 1229 01:27:23,560 --> 01:27:29,351 {y:i}Hey, gonna break it, girl, {y:i}yeah, yeah, yeah, girl 1230 01:27:30,880 --> 01:27:33,110 {y:i}Come on, baby, hey 1231 01:27:33,240 --> 01:27:34,514 {y:i}0h, hey 1232 01:27:34,800 --> 01:27:36,597 {y:i}0h, hey 1233 01:27:36,720 --> 01:27:39,917 {y:i}In the USA, baby 1234 01:27:44,000 --> 01:27:46,719 {y:i}Doo, doo-doo, {y:i}doo, doo, doo, doo 1235 01:27:46,840 --> 01:27:48,239 {y:i}Livin' in the USA 1236 01:27:48,360 --> 01:27:49,634 {y:i}Don't worry about me, babe 1237 01:27:49,760 --> 01:27:52,035 {y:i}Doo, doo-doo, {y:i}doo, doo, doo, doo 1238 01:27:52,800 --> 01:27:55,837 {y:i}Livin' in the USA {y:i}Livin' in the USA 1239 01:27:55,960 --> 01:27:57,951 {y:i}Doo, doo-doo, {y:i}doo, doo, doo, doo 1240 01:27:58,600 --> 01:27:59,715 {y:i}Livin' in the USA 1241 01:27:59,840 --> 01:28:01,717 {y:i}I got to be free 103754