All language subtitles for Kevin.Can.Fuck.Himself.S01E02.New.Tricks.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb

I've been thinking...

-Ugh.
-No.
-Again?
-No!

Previously on
"Kevin Can Himself"...

No!

If I could start over,
and go somewhere else...

Sam.

So, what did I miss
the last 15 years?

What's this?

We're moving.

Wake the hell up.
The account's empty.

We decided
we're staying.

We did?

So, this is, what?
Seven days in a row?

You're sweet to notice.

It's my new ritual.

A scone, a book,
and some peace.

Are you new to town?

No.
Lived here all my life,

but I just never had
any time for myself.

But since
my husband passed...

Oh, I didn't realize.

I'm a widow.

How'd that happen?

Oh, I killed him.

Oh.

Good for you, honey.

It's gotta be tough
not getting caught.

How'd you do it?

I don't know
how I did it.

What the hell
is happening?!

It's Belichick Hoodie Day!

-What?!
-It's Belichick Hoodie Day!

Oh, no.

You okay, babe?

Definitely concussed.

And any other day,
that'd bother me.

But not today!

Don't you wanna
ask me why?

Wh--
Because my genuine
Bill Belichick sweatshirt --

cut at the sleeves
like a boss

and worn to at least two
Pats games --

is arriving today!

And, uh, how much you pay
for a torn hoodie?

I cannot and will not
put a price

on what the greatest coach
of all time means to me.

Okay, well, what price did
the Internet put on it?

More than our wedding,
less than our car.

Oh! I was having
the nicest dream.

Come on!
You can sleep anytime!

This is like
Christmas morning!

Okay, well, then,
where's my present?

Your present?

Well, I'm the gift
that keeps on giving, baby!

Belichick Hoodie Day!

I killed him.

Hey.

It's, uh --
It's Bill Belichick Hoodie Day.

Oh, yes.

But I celebrate
privately.

Well, have a good one.

Hey,
where's our breakfast?

You're not supposed
to have favorites.

Kevin's my husband.

Yeah, Neil,
breakfast is for family.

See, Kevin's the husband,
I'm the father-in-law.

Yeah,
and I'm like a brother.

No, you're more like
a cousin

who just got out of jail
for stalking.

And everyone's secretly kind of
hoping he goes back.

How is Keith?
Bad.

Hey, babe?

Can you go see
if my package is here yet?

Can't you do it?

I'm in the middle
of something.

Aw, man, I really need
this hoodie.

The old self-esteem took
a real hit this week

when the camera
on my phone flipped to face me.

So many chins.

That's just baby fat,
bro.

Thanks, brother.

Well, I checked,
and no package yet.

Ugh!
This is taking forever!

What sins did I commit
in a past life to deserve this?

Past life?

Hon, you know what happens
when you try to be funny.

Kev, I think I hear a delivery
truck coming down the street.

Now he can get up.

Aw, man,
it's just an ambulance!

-On our street?
-Please don't be for me.

Please don't be for me.

Hey, the new neighbors
have packages on their stoop.

What gives?

I saw her moving in,
and I am not a fan.

Bad vibes there, bro.

Ooh, bad neighbors.

What would that be like?

You trying to
be funny again?

No.

Good.

And Neil's
probably right.

I went over there
to be neighborly.

Uh-huh.
You know, make sure
they know

who's the alpha
on the street.

Hope you also told 'em
who's the beta.

And you know what they said
when I asked them

what their
favorite football team was?

Manchester United.

Boo!
Hiss!

-Football is football.
-I mean, really,

is nothing sacred?

Hi. I was hoping
to do s--

Hey, there's no eating
in here.

This is a "liberry."

Of course.
Sorry.

Um...

Um, you want a napkin?

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Um, I was hoping to do
some computer research.

I'm writing a book.
Mm.

It's a romance novel,
actually.

It's about a woman
who's sad.

She's very sad, and she just
wasted the last 10 years

of her life
on this terrible marriage.

Very pathetic.

It's very depressing
in the beginning, but, um --

But then, one day,
she realizes what she wants --

truly -- and she has
this brilliant plan.

She keeps playing
perfect housewife,

but in the meantime --Affair with her neighbor?

What?

No.

She decides
to kill her husband.

Why wouldn't
she just leave?

Leave?

Like it's easy?

Like he'd just let her
take the $194 she has

and buy a bus ticket
to Jersey?

What -- No.
What would she do?

Sleep on the street?

No, he'd find her anyway.

And maybe she doesn't want
to leave.

Maybe this isn't about
leaving at all.

Maybe she wants him dead,
and he deserves it.

How is that romantic?

It's aspirational.

Computers are in back.

Thank you.

Hi. Excuse me?

Sir?

Um, sir?

Hey, sorry, um,
how did you get past the, uh --

the firewall?

Sorry, excuse me?

Hey.

Oh!

Oh, shit.

Uh --

You okay?

Um... I don't know.

I've never found
a dead body before,

so I don't really know
if I did it right.

"Did it right"?

Well, I just didn't realize
I'd be so rattled.

Better than being used
to it.

By now,
an OD is welcome.

At least oxys
aren't a mess.

We got this call once --
300-pound dude,

dead in his fourth floor
walk-up for like five months.

Wait,
this guy overdosed?

Yeah.

But he was wearing
a Patagonia vest.

-Okay?
-Well, he could afford
to shop at REI.

He wasn't living
on the street.

Yeah, there's no type
for this sort of thing anymore.

All kinds of people OD.

Really?

Sure.

So...

like, anyone c--

Garbage men, cable guys,
could be on oxys?

Yeah, grandmas,
frat kids.

Three of my cousins.

I don't remember the last time
I was shocked by an oxy OD.

But that 300-pound dude
leaking through the ceiling?

That was a surprise.

So, how'd you do it?

I killed him with oxycodone
and made it look like an OD.

Brilliant.

Hello, Allison.

Hi, Dr. Gaetz.

Thank you for, uh,
seeing me so quickly.

Of course. Kev carried
the bowling team on Thursday.

I owe him one.
Ah.

So, uh, first up, we're gonna
get your height and weight,

and then we'll --Oh, do we have to?

'Cause I'm just -- I'm just here
with some back trouble.

Yep. Still need your height
and weight.

-Come on.
-Take off my shoes.

It really doesn't matter.

So, you're having
some back pain.

Yeah, um, lower back, mostly,
on the right-hand side.

I have to, uh, carry a lot
of boxes at the package store,

and it think I must have just
kind of tweaked last week

carrying a box of Olde E
onto the hand truck.

I know I should wear a brace,
but I have a hard time

admitting when I need help.

My, uh --
My Uncle Chu--

Well, you know Chuck.

Um, he has a slipped disc,

and said that there's some pills
that, um,

seem to be
really helping him.

Allison.
Mm-hmm?

You know,
pain medication,

it's not given out
lightly.

Yeah, no, I --
Yeah, and I --

I wouldn't expect
that you --

They're only given out
for people in real pain.

Of course.

These types of pills
get abused very often.

Yeah, I've heard.

I've -- I've heard that is --
It's awful.

Yeah.
Ugh, yeah, yeah, right.

I am --
I'm fine, and I don't

want to get mixed up in all --
all that.

I haven't even tried
acupuncture yet, so --

You talk to Kevin
about this?

Uh, about my back?

I'm sure he'd want to chat
about it --

your..."pain."

I could call him with you
if you'd like--

No, no, no.

I -- I don't want to
bother him with all that.

I am -- I'm fine.

Allison.

I think what you really need
is to talk to someone.

Maybe not Kevin,
but a --

a girlfriend or a --
a book club.

You got a book club
where you sit around

with wine
and chat about things?

Eh, not really.

Well, maybe a coworker.

Before you try...

acupuncture,

I think
you need to talk.

That'll be $75
for today's visit.

Yeah, sure.

You know, if you're looking
for a good person --

someone to talk to --
I know someone.

Great with this sort of thing.

-A-A professional.
-No, thanks.

I don't do therapy.

It's worth considering.

Yeah, well, just the thought
of paying a stranger

to listen to me complain --
I --

I-It's not like that.

Well, it's just,
it's not for me.

I swear, she helped
my sister-in-law.

Same thing.
Alright?

Needed a little something
for herself.

Maybe not the greatest
marriage --

Oh. Thank you.

Oh. Ugh.

No, no.
I got it.

Yeah, I'm --
I'm not sure why I'm the one

hauling all the boxes
back and forth.

Even though I got
15 years on you.

-It's fine.
Sorry.

Uh, my back's been hurting
a little bit.

How's Uncle Chuck's back
been doing, by the way?

Uh, well, you know.

Waiting for
the insurance company

to approve the surgery
on his bulging disc,

and still saying
the procedure's "experimental."

I mean,
they know he needs it.

I don't know what
the big experiment is.

So...
Right.

He's pretty much laid up
asking for meatball subs

and whiskey rocks
from the couch.

But it's fine.

You still, uh, dole out
his pain meds, or...?

Ugh.

Chuck says it makes him
feel like a child,

having me be in charge
of him, so...

Yeah.

He insists he can
handle it himself

and I don't wanna
argue anymore.

Allison.

Huh?

Are you giving up?

Uh, how do you mean?

B--

What's going on here?

Oh, uh --

You like like
10 miles of bad highway.

It's, uh, actually
my new favorite.

Oh, it --
it's got stains.

I know.

I like 'em.

Okay.

Thing is...this sweatshirt
is actually a--

I mean, you've got a good shape
going on under all of that.

Don't just
let yourself go.

It's not fair to Kev
to just give up.

Not fair to Kev?

Look, I should be wearing
orthopedic shoes

from Hawley Lane
for my plantars,

but Chuck says they make me
look like a night nurse

coming in
to change his diaper.

Mm.
So what do I do?

I go over to Target,
I get myself nice flats.

I deal with my arches
on my own time.

Okay, well, you know you don't
have to do that, right?

'Cause that's --
that's crazy.

No, honey.

That's marriage.

Uh, h-h-has Kev
seen this new look?

-No.
-Oh, good.

No, I just wear this here.

Oh.'Cause I -- I get cold.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, okay.

I'll pick up a space heater
from Lowe's.

Warm you right up.

Ugh.

...the minute I saw them!

They took it!
I know they did!

-What's going on here?
-Oh!

I've got a terrible feeling
about something.

Let's check it out,
shall we?

Alexer?
Where's my stuff?

What the hell?
It works for you!

Well,
it's not "Alexer."

It's "Alexa."

That's what I'm saying.

Alexer.

Alexer,
where's my stuff?

What am I doing wrong?!

Speaking English.

Okay, try this.
Say "Alexer."

Alexa.

There ya go.

Alexa,
where's my stuff?

One shipment was
delivered for Kevin today.

Foul play!

My Belichick hoodie --
the closest thing

I have to a child --
was stolen!

Ugh.
You don't want children.

Remember?
You said it pulls focus

from what really matters
in life --

your needs.

That sweatshirt was gonna be
my test case --

my pride and joy.

Instead, it's probably stuffed
in the neighbor's closet.

All cold and alone.

Not even knowing
I'm trying to find it.

It knows, Kev.

Damn foreigners
are tearing my boy apart!

Pete, you blame hurricanes
on foreigners.

Are you sure it's them?

Maybe it was just a mistake
with the mailman.

Allison,
whose side are you on?

Sanity's.

Well, it's obvious
what has to be done.

Set UPS on fire.

-No.
-Set the neighbors on fire.

No!

Neil, we don't let you
do fire anymore, remember?

I know.

But still...

the flame...

she calls to me.

We have to have
a Revolutionary War reboot!

I love a reboot.

This is almost as good
as the new "CHiPs"!

Rebels versus Redcoats.

Stealing that sweatshirt was
as bad as the Boston Massacre.

Worse!

You guys said the same thing
about cinnamon gum.

It's too hot.

Gum is meant to be minty
and refreshing.

It's on!

Pat, go to the salon.

Get those leftover
Roman candles.

-We're gonna need ammo.
-Roger that.

You left the fireworks
at the salon?

There's so many times
I wanted to use them!

We don't let you
do fire anymore!

Let's go, men!

We got a war to win!

Yes! Ow!

Oh! Hernia!

Alright, I'm good!

-You alright?
-I'm good!

We're men!

U.S.A.!Ow!

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

U.S.A.!

Hi.

Hey.

Hey.
Oh.

What's up?
Nothin'.

'Cause I've been dying
to show you, uh --

-Just, like, show someone.
Can it wait?

I gotta get to the salon
and start looking

for those Roman candles.
They're buried

in the crawl space somewhere
and I'm gonna hit my head

at least three times
trying to get 'em.

You're actually gonna help them
with that?

Yeah.

Oh.

What?
No, nothing.

I just thought
that we were, uh --

"We"?

I never really thought of us
as a "we."

Yeah. Right.

My mistake.

So why the hell you tell me
about the money, then?

About Kevin?

I called the bank,
and you were right.

The money's gone.

You blew up my life.
Was that just for fun?

No.

I felt sorry for you.

Convincing yourself all
your dreams are gonna come true.

That you were destined
for something bigger than this.

That you were gonna
be happy.

It was hard to watch.

I'm bad
with cringe comedy.

Okay. So, I'm an idiot
for wanting something,

and you're fine
with hitting your head

looking for the Roman candles
for the rest of your life?

Yes.

You felt sorry for me.

They're oatmeal raisin!

Oh!
Ugh!

Why would you put fruit
in a cookie?

Mixed messaging!

Like a dessert
with homework.

Yeah, it's like putting
a vegetable in a -- a cookie.

Oh, dear God.

No need to invoke
the Lord.

The neighbors stole
my jersey,

so I rightfully stole
one of theirs.

Pretty sure we got the Big Man's
blessing on this.

After all -- eye for an eye,
tit for tit.

Look, does it always have to be
"tit for tit"?

Can't just you let
some things go?

This is a Revolutionary War,
Allison.

Could you imagine
if George Washington

just "let things go"?

Yeah, I can.
We'd be Communists.

Oh, honey.
Not even close.

Well, look at me.
I had a tiff with a friend,

so I baked some cookies
to make peace.

-What friend?
-They're made up.

Just like leprechauns.

You taught me that.

Ouugh!

It was on the doorstep.

It's a message.

You want
to let it go now, Allison?!

So, what is the message,
exactly?

That they're not
playing around.

Look at this!

It's clearly a Deflategate dig,
and it is not taken well.

Again, not even close.

Grrrgh!

Wait up!

Drgh!

Really.

What friend
are these for?

Uh, someone who doesn't pretend
to hate things

they like just to be
one of the guys.

Jesus, are you
an after-school special?

Come on.

It's someone I can
actually talk to.

-Hi.
-Oh, what the hell?

No, I know.
I just came to apologize.

Careful, Marcus.

Barbie might break
your nose this time.

Okay. Come here.
Come here. Come here.

Come here.
What are you --

Look, I was in a terrible
place that day,

and I made
a huge mistake.

I've never actually slapped
anyone before --

Whoa, no, no, no. Hold on.
You didn't slap me, tough guy.

I was fine.
Okay.

Uh, of course.

Either way, I was very rude,
and, um,

so I wanted
to make it up to you.

Are you serious?

I dunno.

Everyone likes cookies.

It's a good gift.

You're not gonna be
a pain in the ass

asking me for coke now,
are you?

No, no, no, no, no.
No.

Gave me some interesting ideas,
but, uh,

I feel like my body's
still recovering.

No, uh...

I want oxys.

Jesus Christ.

Just like
10 to 15 pills.

I've already tried to get
a doctor to give them to me --

Of course your first thought
was to ask nicely.

He just sent me to a therapist,
and I --

I need these.

I'm in very real pain.

Marcus,
use your rape whistle.

Okay.
Private conversation.

Look, I don't have
that shit on me, okay?

I -- I'm not that guy.

But, uh, I can hook you up
with one.

Really?

Oh, my God, okay.

Thank you.

Be on the 14th Street
overpass at midnight.

Tonight.
Okay.

Don't try
to pay in cookies.

N-No.

No, okay.

Uh, thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, hey, I know it's not cash,
but, uh, do you think

that he'd think that this hoodie
was worth something?

Oh, it looks awful.

Uh, t-this was --
this was worn by Belichick.

Bill Belichick?

My, uh -- my husband paid
Lord knows how much for it,

but God forbid I ask.

Lady.
Um, Allison.

I don't want to know your name
or your story.

I don't care.
Right.

Now get the hell
out of here.

Okay.
Bye-bye, now.

Yes. Goodbye.

Okay.
Okay.

-Thank you.
-Thanks for the raisin cookies.

Don't worry about
washing the bowl.

-Gah!

-What are you doing?!
-Gotta protect my lady.

Can't be too cautious.

Well, can't you?!

Not when the neighbors lit
our garbage cans on fire.

They what?!
Why would they do that?

Well,
after Knife-In-Football-Gate,

I had one of those strokes
of genius.

I shoved a cherry bomb
inside a soccer --

soccer! --

ball, and I put it
on their front lawn.

A true message.

What, that soccer blows?

Solid.

What?
N-No.

That they cannot mess
with me!

And that message
was received.

You should have seen it.

The sparks!
The colors!

Little flaming hexagons
flying everywhere.

It was -- It was --
It was spectacular!

But I also burned
their lawn.

You lit their lawn
on fire?

-I heard about that.
-It's fine.

A little singe will
just make the grass

grow back twice
as lush --

if it's anything
like my foot hair.

So, that's when they torched
our garbage cans?

Yeah.
Can you believe it?

It's practically arson.

Well, you lit their lawn
on fire!

They stole
my sweatshirt!

You burned down
their pergola!

Irregardless, this is all just
ramping up so fast,

we had to beef up
security.

And that's our security?

Well, the bat is step one.

Step two is--

Ah, Neil returns
with step three.

I sent him to my guy.

He's former SWAT.

Neil, what are you doing?

Well, this is what
your guy gave me.

Kev!
You caved!

Wha?

You got me a dog?'Course not.

My "No Pets" rule stands.

I refuse not to be
the cutest thing in this house.

Impossible, babe.

Besides,
that's not a dog.

That's a mistake.

Neil, I-I sent you to my guy
to get,

like, a rifle
or a crossbow or something.

Yeah, well, your guy said
this was the most weapon

I could handle.

It's something.
Is it?

I don't know.
He looks tired.

Maybe a little slow.

Yeah.

And lazy.

Doesn't seem like
McRoberts material.

Dog, you're here
on a trial basis.

No name till you're
off probation.

And no cavortin'
with my wife.

Okay,
so, what's step two?

Huh?

Well,
step one's the bat.

Step three is the dog.

So what's step two?

Oh, I installed a full
DING security system outside.

Cameras at every door,
motion-sensored.

I've got it wired, babe.

I'm feeling diligent,

focused.

You got chips there?

-I brought them from home.
-Did you, now?

You know what they say
about sharing.

No.
Gimme.

God damn it.

Hi.

Good boy.

Hmm?

That's a good boy.

What's this?

Yeah,
you're a good boy.

Well, actually, no.

That's not a nice thing
to say.

I'm sorry.

Good boys don't get
to do anything fun.

Trust me, I get it.

This is my first time
sneaking out of a house.

Why'd I wait so long to do
something like this, huh?

It's exciting.

It'll be a good story.

Oh.

Hey.

You wanna know
another good story?

I stole the goddamn hoodie.

Don't rat me out, okay, pal?

Thank you.

You stay there.

Uh...

You Marcus' girl?

Yeah.
Well, no.

I'm not his girl, but --I got ya.

Uh, how do you wanna
do this?

Uh...

However you'd normally do it
is good, I guess.

Money first?

Sounds good.

W-What do you want to pay --So, wha-- Oh.

You g--
Uh, y-you go first. Sorry.

Uh, $200?
No way.

Most girls in your position
would be kissing the ground

I walk on
for that price.

Well, I'm not most girls,
so...

$120, final offer.

Get in.

Uh, where we going?

We can't do this
right here.

Oh.

S-- Uh--
So, you got the stuff?

Oh -- Oh, I got your stuff
right here.

No, wha--
What the hell are you doing?

Oh, right.

Marcus said you were
into that sort of thing.

"Oh, no, Mister.
I'm not that kind of guy."

What?! No! No!
I'm not gonna have sex with you!

Marcus said I --
I would have sex with you?!

E-- That's usually
what the money's for, yeah.

Oh, my --
No, I'm not a prostitu--

Marcus said
that you'd sell me pills.

Like, drugs?

La-- Lady,
I sell life insurance.

Marcus was trying
to get back at me, so it --

I'm sorry, I have to go.

Whoa, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
Ah!

God damn!
Oh!

What the hell?!

I-I -- I --
I was just trying to tell you

there's a child lock
on that door.

Oh, my God.

You --
You broke my frickin' nose!

I'm so sorry.

Here, here, here.

Ow! God!
Oh!

Gah!
Jesus Christ, lady!

The least you could do
is give me a handjob.

Oh.

No, thank you.

-Allie.
-Hey.

-Uh, it's late.
-Yeah, sorry.

Um, how are you?

Uh...

Uh, I don't really know
how to answer that question.

I know that I am supposed
to say, "I'm good.

How are you?"

Anything more than that
is just rude.

No one actually wants to know
how you are.

It's just a way of saying,
"Hello.

I'm good, how are you?"

Uh, but I actually
wanted to...

talk.

To me?

Yeah.

Thought maybe you were mad
or something.

Why would I be mad?

Right.

Sure.

You want a coffee
or something?

Uh...

After the night I had,
I'd say an Irish coffee,

but I don't want
to make you do that.

I can muscle through.

Well -- No, I was being --
I was being rude.

Impossible.

This is really for me.

I used to love mixing drinks
for you.

Remember our, uh,
white trash margarita?

Yeah.

Yellow Gatorade
and tequila.

-With a maraschino cherry.
-Ugh.

Of all the drinks I miss,
that one's pretty high up there.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Mm.

So, you wanted to talk?

Yeah.

About?

Uh...

Something that isn't
the weather,

or my aunt's foot ailments,
or the feud with the neighbors.

I've had the worst...

decade, really.

Like, I can't believe
how much time

I've spent
talking about nothing.

And now that I feel like I
actually have something to say,

um, the closest thing
that I have

to someone who cares
is a dog.

I care.

Just that you knew me
before --

W-When we were younger.

I had friends, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I feel like
they all had names

that started
with J, K, and L.

Katie, Kelly, Lauren,
Lindsay --

-Julie.
Jess.

They liked church.

They loved church.
Mm.

And your friends
in the swim team.

Well, no.

Those girls didn't really
like me.

I was a bit --

bit competitive.

"Was"?

Okay.

And I had the people
at the restaurant,

and I had you.

I just don't know when I got
so isolated from everyone.

Wish you'd been here
for the last 10 years.

I mean, I'm not sure
that would've actually helped.

Why?

People who think they're
cut off from everyone

are actually often walling
themselves off from the world.

Okay, can we not?
'Cause I've already

turned down therapy
once this week, so --

No, yeah.
Sure.

I'm just saying,

when you talk about wishing
I'd been here...

you're the one
who pulled away.

I pulled away?

Okay,
I mean, you were gone

way before I got married,
okay?

Uh-- How are we talking
about this?

I just wanted someone
to talk with.

Did you, though?

'Cause from where I'm sitting,
you wanted someone

to listen and nod
and agree with you.

You know what?

I take it back.

I'm good.
How are you?

Wha--
Have we been robbed?

That is
absolutely correct.

Shouldn't we be calling
the police?

Oh, simple Allison.

This is all a part
of my master plan.

Okay, well, the last time
you said that,

we had to cut down the oak tree
to get you out of it.

That tree was an eyesore
for 300 years.

Paul Revere planted it.

Just listen.

The security system picked up
some of those damn neighbors

lurking outside the house
last night.

Really?

Wh--
How do you know it was them?

Uh, he was wearing
the hoodie.

That's tough, babe.

Thank you.

But as I was trying to lure
an entire family of skunks

under the neighbor's house,

I realized that that security
footage gives me all the ammo

I need to go
to the insurance company.

So, ta-dah!

Kevin, we agreed
you'd give up magic

when that playing card
punctured your eardrum.

Allison, I can't even hear you
to agree with you.

This is the magic
of insurance.

I talked to the guy
about my stolen hoodie

and all the, eh -- wink --
other stuff missin' here.

Guy's coming down later today
to take claims on everything.

TV, Wade Boggs rookie card,
your father's ashes.

-Kevin.
-I'm just kidding.

He's not worth anything.

No, I mean,
isn't this fraud?

No way.

Our stuff
is actually missing.

I mean, maybe if you went over
to Neil's garage...

Ugh....it might all be in there,
but who knows?

Not I!

Y-- No, no, no!
And not you!

I am not going
in Neil's garage.

-I am taking Bill out.
-Whoa, whoa.

Who's Bill, and where
are you taking him?

Bill is what I named our dog.
Where is he?

Oh, uh, that whole
security system wasn't working.

The cameras were blurry,
the dog was a bum,

and the bat broke when Neil
and I were smashing watermelons.

I scrapped all of it.

All of it?

-Even the dog?
-I took him back to my guy.

I expect I'll get
some sort of store credit

once he finds "Bill"
tied to his porch.

You abandoned the dog?

When I left, I gave him
half my bacon, egg, and cheese.

If that's abandonment,
abandon me every morning.

With that insurance money,
I can get the hoodie

that Belichick wore
in the 2017 playoffs.

So, that other hoodie --Keep it, foreigners!

Put another win
on the board!

In the game of life,
it's Kevin 632,

Life 3.

New Belichick Hoodie Day,
baby!

Yay-uh!

Oh, um, excuse me.

Is there a therapist office
in here?

Therapist?

Ah, yeah.

Just, uh, ask for a wash
like Barb gets.

She'll hook you up.

She'll "hook me"...

Oh, it's drugs.

One sec.

Shit.

On the next
"Kevin Can Himself".

Kevin and Alison
together forever.

Seeing you again
makes me feel a little guilty.

Oh, yeah?

You got a special occasion
you want to look nice for?

Jenn, this is Alison.
Alison, my wife, Jenn.

We've actually
met before.

We're in that mutually assured
destruction territory now.

What the hell's
been going on with you?

Something in me
just snapped.