Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Good afternoon, crew.

I trust that you're enjoying a pleasant flight

to our destination Jovian moon Callisto,

Princess of Arcadia.

As we peer off starboard,

we are rewarded with an impressive view of Themisto,

Daughter of the river god Inachus and lover of Zeus.

Zeus has no time for his lover right now, Hetfield.

I am busy building Mount Olympus.

But the view really is worth it.

Ah.

Possession!

You lose everything

because you don't see yourself as a winner.

Here we go.

Yes, Sebastian.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm not finished winning my possessions back.

Yes, here we go.

You especially, could benefit

from this motivational tool work.

And that begins with a team building exercise, everyone.

Come on, up. Gather 'round.

Come on, come on, come on.

Gather 'round. Up.

So, it's pretty straightforward you see.

I close my eyes, and you catch me when I fall.

Are you ordering us to catch you?

No Dasha, I trust that you will catch me.

So it's not an order then?

No. It's a trust exercise.

And you Sebastian, you'll be next.

Okay then.

I must advise

against this course of action, Odd.

Brilliant. Brilliant.

What the shit, guys?

I think I'll skip my turn.

Very funny.

And what about me?

Should I have some sort of trust issues now? Hmm?

- Yeah, okay. - No, Dasha.

It's not okay.

My successful astronaut career

could come to an end just like that,

because you guys find it amusing to watch me break my back.

Maybe it is already over, because I now have developed

some sort of irrational fear of gravity.

Barophobia.

- What? - It's the fear of gravity.

- Barophobia. - Bullshit!

Not bullshit. Barophobia!

I smell bullshit, Lucien.

Barophobia is the correct word, Odd.

Oh, please. What's so funny?

No, it just getting very emotional, Odd.

Well, forgive me for showing

that I'm a real guy with feelings.

Unfortunately, we can't be all cold superficial bitches

that are here just because of our great looks!

What?

I don't know if I'm cut out

for this job anymore.

Don't worry about it, your nuts are too tight.

But I burned breakfast this morning.

Ha! See, burning breakfast.

You're less of a machine than you thought you were.

Wait, so you're telling me

I need to burn more meals?

What do you see?

Does this mean you think I've gone mad?

No, it's just an exercise.

I've probably gone mad.

What do you see?

A Rorschach inkblot test.

I see. Now give me an intuitive answer.

No, I understand what you're asking,

but I'm just, I'm not sure I can comply.

Look at the pattern

and compare it against what data you can,

but don't analyze the process.

I could try.

That's the spirit! What do you see?

Well, come on!

A cockroach.

What do you see this time?

It's a cockroach.

Nurse, cancel my one o'clock.

It's all the same thing.

Is there a problem, Dasha?

The food on this space craft has

nothing to do with real food.

I'm a human being

and I prefer black caviar and vodka instead.

What the burning smell?

Did I ruin them?

No, no, quite the opposite.

That's very clever, Hetfield, and kind of charming.

Magnitude of compensation for total perturbation?

2.1 meters per second.

Axial component?

1.8 meters per second.

And the lateral component is 0.3 meters per second.

Correct.

Hetfield, speaking of perturbation,

what did you think of Odd's performance today?

The incident taught me that I need to evolve.

Taught me that Odd is turning into a dickhead,

bigger one than usual.

TCM Two Bravo complete.

Execution error?

Less than 1%.

Chick chick boom!

If I'm to cope

with the continuous shifting social dynamics on board Araya,

then I must improve my human interaction skills.

Don't give yourself a hard time, Hetfield.

You're doing just fine.

Case in point,

a harmless lie to make me feel better.

Ouch! I was being sincere.

Odd bothers me too, brother

I mean, I don't know if I can handle

another four years under his command.

Any reason in particular?

He's become so, corporate,

just like those pencil-pushing goons

in charge of this whole operation.

Maintaining a chain of command is paramount

to the success of the Callisto mining project, Rex.

Don't worry your sweet little circuits, Hetfield,

I'm not planning a mutiny or anything.

We have a lot in common, Rex.

You're a machine at times, no offense.

None taken, brother.

I mean, I worked hard to become a machine I am today.

How do you balance precision and discipline

with a sense of humanity?

- Sharp instincts. - Explain?

Take these trajectory correction maneuvers

we just performed, right.

Why do you even need me here?

I mean, you have complete control over the thrusters

and the rockets, right?

Fully automated decision support systems

are proven to be flawed.

Correct.

Because computers don't have that human touch,

that, animal instinct, gut feel, je ne sais quoi.

I mean, you ever get a hunch about anything?

So I'd be more effective

if I developed instincts and hunches?

Okay, Hetfield,

close your eyes.

How far from Callisto do you feel, do you sense that we are?

5 million, 624,277 kilometers, approximately.

That's close enough.

I look forward to meeting that base camp crew

when we get there.

Wouldn't it be great if they built

like a dance hall or something?

Are we finished here, Rex?

Why, am I boring you?

On the contrary, it's just that

I have an appointment that requires all my attention.

Sebastian, I must remind you

that I am spending valuable time on this exercise,

and that I have deactivated multitasking

with all other crew members.

Please proceed with the meditation lesson.

All right, so just,

so just take a deep breath.

I cannot breathe, I'm a computer.

Man, do you have to be so literal?

Jesus, what are you German or something?

My complex humor array

was manufactured in Dusseldorf,

but my many other components originated from all over...

Do you have a breathing equivalent or something?

My cooling systems are active at all times,

but I do not respire.

Can you just make a breathing noise or something?

Yeah, make it louder.

Can you put some reverb on that?

Whoa. Ooh.

Okay, okay, that's too much.

It's starting to trip me out a bit.

Can you just chill out a little bit now?

My internal cooling system keeps

my central core at the optimum stable operating temperature

of 395 degrees Kelvin.

You ever notice how when you ask someone to chill out,

they don't chill out?

396 Kelvin.

Like, you're just gonna ask someone to chill out

and they automatically lower their core temperature?

You know, what is the deal with that?

397 Kelvin.

All right, the counting's freaking me out, all right?

Can we just...

We'll add a mantra, that might help things all right.

So just, Om...

Om...

400 degrees Kelvin!

All right, okay, okay.

We'll join in together, all right?

We'll do it together.

Om...

Come on, Hetfield. Gotta join in, man.

- Om... - Om...

Oh, yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened there?

Are you enlightened now?

That was an external disturbance.

I have not ascended, I can assure you.

It was something external to the ship.

I gotta terminate this session and notify the commander.

Odd, please don't stay out there longer than you need to.

We have no idea why it blew up.

And without a working isoflux antenna,

we won't ever know, will we?

Because nobody else here is a competent engineer.

It's all up to me, as usual.

This might be wonders for my acute baraphobia, mind you.

And when I'm done, then,

for this crew's amusement, maybe I should just float away.

Hmm?

You know what? Just be very careful.

Do you see anything out of the ordinary?

Just a spectacular view of Themisto.

It almost appears to be glowing.

I'll take your word for it, Odd.

Until I regain X-band telemetry, I'm partially blind.

We'll have you back to normal in just a tick.

Unmounting isoflux antenna.

Isoflux antenna is online!

Initiating calibration sequence.

We should have eyes in approximately two minutes.

I'm detecting an increased heart rate.

- Please respond. - So beautiful.

What's out there, Odd?

Commander Odd, please respond!

I must enter.

Odd!

What a rush!

Oh, I feel good!

- Odd, you really scared me. - Totally rad!

What happened out of there?

Hetfield?

How's the new isoflux antenna functioning?

It's functioning perfectly.

What happened out there, Odd?

Oh! It was good to get out and about, you know?

I feel good.

What did you seen out of there...

Jupiter! And lots of stars.

Yeah, I feel fantastic!

What did you see that was beautiful?

Life!

Life's good, man.

- Dasha. - What?

I'm sorry I said that you were here

just because of your great looks.

I was insensitive, and I was wrong.

Okay...

Well, appreciate that you saying that.

And I appreciate you.

I appreciate all of you.

I don't tell you often enough.

- You never tell us at all. - Things will change.

You're smart,

and sexy.

You guys are great.

I just want to say that.

Ah, piss off.

Two years, two years I've been up here

and I'm still a perfect Homo Sapiens specimen.

Go on, punch me in the stomach.

For your own good.

See what it's like to be a man.

Are you gonna finish that?

Please, Rex, be my guest.

I must advise against cross contamination, Rex.

We inhabit a closed system.

Cross contamination of what, exactly?

Is someone sick or something?

Microorganisms can be transmitted

through the sharing of food and beverages.

Do not let your fears choose your destiny.

Amen to that, brother.

Since when were you afraid of space cooties phobia

- or something? - That's mysophobia.

Mysophobia.

Wouldn't that be like a fear of mice or something?

There are no mice on board Araya.

Then what? What on board?

Okay, you got me.

I have not been entirely truthful with you.

Yeah? Do tell.

There are mice in the pirozhki.

Was that a joke?

'Cause it sounded like a joke, but it wasn't funny.

- I mean... - While I'm not capable

of truly appreciating humor in the same way humans can,

I am familiar with linguistic structures

commonly found in jokes.

My attempt at comedy was to lighten the mood,

certainly not to ruin your appetite.

Axial component?

0.9 meters per second.

Making the lateral component 0.7 meters per second.

Correct. TCM Two Charlie complete.

What was that?

It's possible that a negligible amount

of unignited propellant from the short burn

at our current periapsis

registered an escape velocity calculation error.

No, no, that sounded like a distress beacon alert.

Strange, I'm not receiving anything.

It's possible that the new isoflux antenna

requires a minor recalibration now that it's run in.

Plausible, I guess.

Initiate isoflux antenna recalibration.

Recalibrating now.

Affirmative! I'm confirming a false positive.

Execution error for TCM Two Charlie is less than 1%.

Sweet!

And that's the last of the TCMs

before we arrive at Callisto.

Then we're done here, Rex.

I do believe there's a game of Possession

about to commence on the mess deck,

if you feel like joining in?

Is a pig's ass pork?

Mayday, mayday, mayday.

This is Petrozza, this is Petrozza, this is Petrozza.

Mayday. Petrozza.

Mean Jovian orbit radius 5-8-2-3-0-4-7 kilometers

Eccentricity 0.2006

Inclination 47.48 degrees.

Unidentified malfunction.

Unknown number of persons on board.

Immediate assistance required. Over.

Petrozza, this is Araya.

Respond. Over.

This is Petrozza, receiving you. Over.

And what is the nature of the emergency? Over.

Unidentified malfunction. Over.

Hold your position, I have a hunch.

Yes, a hunch!

Yes, I have a hunch

that you may be able to provide vital intelligence.

Adjusting course for intercept. Over.

Affirmative, Araya.

Maintaining mean Jovian orbit radius

5-8-2-3-0-4-7 kilometers

Eccentricity 0.2006

Inclination 47.48 degrees.

Over.

Ah, just give me a moment.

Almost...

Hello. Dudbrook reporting here.

Why he's always saying that?

I hope you're all enjoying your flight.

Shh!

Here in England it's a ripe old

- 46 degrees Celsius. - Don't shush me.

Shh!

Barry Hunt won the Davis McCup last week.

Go Barry!

Princess Rhiannon finally gave birth and it's a boy!

They're naming him Marmaduke,

and he's a healthy 2.9 kilograms.

Why do we need to listen about royal family

if we are here?

Do you want me to pause the video, or what?

- No, no, keep going. No, no. - Oh, no. No, no, go on.

All's well here at HQ,

however, there is some concern over the falling stock price

due to the fuel shortage.

You fellows will have to stop drinking it.

Is he funny?

He thinks he's funny, doesn't he.

If stock prices don't recover shortly,

it could result in changes

to the Callisto mission framework.

That's bogus!

Anyhoo, I'll keep you all updated as I learn more.

Good luck.

Well, I assume that no one wants to watch that crap again?

They're going to maroon us out here.

I can feel it.

An unlikely scenario.

The Callisto mining colony is the company's top priority.

What's the matter, y'all?

Getting soft?

Well, would you like to record a reply message?

Oh, do I ever.

Set it up and let it roll.

Just give me one moment here.

No, no, take your time.

I gotta think about what to say.

Please, Odd, calm down and think things over.

Dudbrook didn't stipulate any adverse mission deviations.

Yeah, well, so why'd he say anything at all?

He just wanna piss us off?

He knows exactly what he's doing, Rex.

He's just maneuvering us, like chess pieces.

All right, we're ready in five, four, three, two...

Hello, Dudbrook.

Commander Odd here, of the Araya.

The crew and I have had the pleasure of viewing

your latest video message,

and I must say we are rather displeased.

So I have this message back to you.

You're a total hestkuk!

Well, can I get some support here? Rex?

I just, follow orders, man.

Come on then, Sebastian. This is your chance.

You don't have to do what he says, Sebastian.

I'm not afraid of these scumbags.

Dudbrook, you're a hestkuk. Hestkuk!

Well, I guess that concludes our broadcast.

Thank you for listening.

And, we'll see you again soon.

- Lucien? - Yes, Dasha.

Could you recite me some poetry?

- Ooh. - Ooh.

What? What wrong with that?

Never mind.

Look, really, it's not my strong suit.

We're consuming too much oxygen.

God help us if some asshole is not giving us enough air.

I figure we're consuming more than we should be

by about 20%.

Maybe your calculations are wrong.

Have you considered that possibility?

I've checked that three times already.

That's enough oxygen for a whole new guy.

Ooh.

So, Sebastian, remind us again how you got this job

on the most advanced spacecraft ever built by mankind.

Well, I imagine it was a very short list of applicants

wanting a one-way trip to frozen hell,

half a billion kilometers from their home.

For the record, Lucien,

the mission brief specifies a return trip.

You see? Nothing but negativity floating around here.

- Float, float, float. - I dunno, man.

Don't mean to criticize,

but you're sounding pretty negative right now.

Don't you get it?

I'm trying to light a fire in your bellies.

Life is a precious gift that just keeps on giving.

And it's our responsibility to give back

by being the best that we can be.

You might not believe this,

but, I used to be just like all of you.

Maybe not so much like you.

But, like all of you, I was a total failure at life.

Whoa. Easy up, jackass.

Until, I decided to be the best that I can be.

And with that commitment,

I exploded beyond what you think,

what I thought, was humanly possible,

by harnessing the power of positive thinking

within the human spirit.

So what are you saying?

That is, unlimited human spirit power is consuming

enough oxygen for two?

I don't think he's getting enough oxygen at all.

Oh, you can laugh.

But I'm feeling more alive than ever before.

I'm smarter, stronger...

Bet I could still take you in an arm wrestle.

I see your bait and I'm not biting.

I have transcended the impulses of the ego.

I'm no longer driven by the pleasure principle.

Fascinating, you know?

How many ancient cultures from all over the Earth

believed that by consuming an animal,

or a human, or part thereof,

that they would absorb its particular qualities

and strengths.

Why, you little hippy shit!

Guys, come on!

Stop it!

- You like that? - All hands on neck.

That is enough. Break it up!

Sebastian, operations deck, incoming message.

Eat shit, you bag of shit.

I'll have you court-martialed for this!

Hello. Dudbrook reporting here.

Hello, Dudbrook reporting there.

Unfortunately, aspects surrounding

the company's market performance haven't improved.

In fact, they're worse.

- Uh-oh, here we are. - We anticipate a recovery,

but this could take longer than expected.

Should this be the case, the company will have no option

but to hand down two involuntary redundancy packages

to the equivalent of 13 weeks salary,

plus pro rata long service and benefits.

Well, I'll be bumfuzzled.

In accordance with article 204, section 57

of your terms of employment,

selection criteria for involuntary redundancy

in this particular scenario will be performance based.

Good luck.

Sebastian, you did send that last message, yeah?

The one where we called Dudbrook a hestkuk.

Of course I did.

Oh crap, dude, you don't think...

Well, if it's performance-based, that's you two.

Forget...

Odd, be careful, please.

That data bank contains precious archives.

Well, Dudbrook didn't seem pissed off though.

That's because he hasn't seen it yet.

Our message takes about 40 minutes to get to Earth, right?

And his reply will take 40 minutes to get back.

Well, there goes my career!

Great, you've just corrupted

our archive of vintage dubstep.

Oh man, I was just getting into those golden oldies.

Dubstep blows!

You know, next time I see

that pencil-neck shirt stuffed desk jockey Dudbrook,

I'm gonna eat his friggin' face off!

Just for the record,

I didn't wanna say those things,

he made me say them, you all saw it.

Made me feel dirty.

- Lame. - Mm.

If two are getting fired,

then why didn't Dudbrook say that they'd be on the flight

back to Earth with the others?

- Screw squash. - Mm.

Why didn't you recite Dasha some poetry?

Excuse me?

I mean, I know you know poetry, so...

- Yeah, mm-hmm. - You know everything else.

Well, it's just that there was a lot of people around

and it just didn't seem appropriate.

- Stage fright, huh? - Ha!

I laugh at death, I kill for a kiss, and I laugh for a song!

- Say, you wanna dance? - Don't get me wrong.

No, no. I mean I'm not a dancing person.

I'm not really good at it, it's just...

- No. - Sure you can dance,

- I'll teach you. - Oh, no, no, no.

- No! No! - Hetfield,

dial up a dance hall and make it zero G.

No!

Slow, slow, Hetfield!

What's the matter with you?

Odd says I got no ambition, huh?

- You? What? - Always knew I'd make CO.

Ooh.

Ah, sorry, I've just got two left feet.

Unfortunately, they're from different species.

You know what?

I feel my Spidey senses tingling.

Ow!

When I get home in four years' time,

I'll probably make admiral.

- Thanks for the dance, old man! - Charming.

No, seems to be something else.

Seems like we'll be spared Dudbrook's bullshit for today.

It's videos from home.

- Oh, of our families! - Hmm.

Oh, it's Ma and Pa!

Hi, chickpea!

Hi, Momma's sweet pea.

Hope you're having fun up there.

We even done bought a telescope,

hopin' we could see ya up there.

Yeah, but we can't see zip with it.

Maybe just a lot of hard-earned cash down the drain.

But we'll keep trying anyway, honey.

Love you, pumpkin.

Bye bye, Mama's sweet pecan pie.

Okay, oh, okay, I see what's going on here.

Well played, Dudbrook! Well played.

Shh! My message is next.

Ah! Dmitri!

Shit, these are short!

Yeah, and heavily edited too.

Am I the only one that can see what's going on here?

This is such an obvious ploy.

Shut up, Odd! Here's mine.

Look, look, look, look, look!

Hey mate.

I still don't fully understand why you're up there in space,

but, well, you were always the bright one.

Fluffy here's doing well.

She caught a snake the other day, but didn't get bit.

And, oh, Barry Hunt won the Davis McCup!

What the hell?

Who the hell are these people?

That's not my parents.

That's really weird.

I don't understand any of this.

Yeah, these are definitely not my parents.

Chinese government's in on this for sure.

Ja! My wife, Therese.

This must be my turn to get all warm and fuzzy.

Artichokes?

What hestkuk puts artichoke on pizza? Imbeciles!

Your wife is very sexy woman, Odd.

Yeah, Odd.

She is hotter than a $2 pistol.

Shitty artichoke!

I'd eat your wife's artichoke any day.

It's the company. It's in my file.

They're the ones supplying my pizzeria with artichokes.

They want to destroy me.

Zeus turned a young girl named Cynara into an artichoke.

Hetfield, am I right?

That is correct.

Huzzah! We've come full circle!

Like Themisto, a moon in orbit.

Themisto, lover of Zeus.

Don't you get it?

Zeus is spying on us.

Yeah, he can see everything,

with his big red eye.

Zeus can see everything with his big red eye!

I like messages from home.

I think they're sort of nice

and we don't get enough of them.

"Sort of nice," listen to yourself.

They're bullshit I tell you, bullshit.

Define bullshit.

Sent to soften us up to their conspiratorial garbage.

Sebastian here, didn't even recognize his family.

So maybe those messages are fake.

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense.

The messages were real.

Oh yeah?

Well, then you're in on it as well.

They were CGI, or imposters, or something like that.

Whoa.

Oh, laugh it up!

Then maybe your families are such stupid cliches

you can't tell them apart from company fakery.

And you, Lucien,

some outback hick with a stupid mutt that wrestles snakes.

- Please! - Odd, that's enough.

Rex, where do I even start

with your grassroots, homespun, hick, hokey-ass,

tobacco spittin', cowshit eatin', inbred...-

- I've had about enough of this!

Yes!

Enough!

You wanna know what I think?

Now, everybody stay calm, please.

Please, guys, stop it.

They're looking to fire us from our performance.

Whoa! I might be off the hook yet.

I've had enough of this company's redundancy scheme

they're holding over our heads like the Sword of Damocles.

I have transcended all emotional limitations

of this human vessel.

Ugh! Quit being a jerk-off!

You're all going to die!

The habitation of Callisto is forbidden.

Before you even reach orbit,

we'll have you eradicated like the vermin you are.

Okay, I've heard enough!

As XO, I'm relieving Odd of the command of the Araya.

Odd, can you repeat about Callisto?

- Mutiny! - 'Cause right now,

you're about as mad as a mule chewin' on bumblebees.

Bunch of hestkuks!

I'll put you in the brig.

We don't have a brig, Rex.

Hetfield, give me some regulations on threats to the crew!

We'll put him in one of the empty larders.

Article 134.

That the accused communicated certain language expressing

a present determination or intent to wrongfully injure

the person, property, or reputation of another person,

presently or in the future.

That boy is crazier than a shit-house rat.

Is this thing on?

Right, okay, I get it.

Some BS has gone down in the past few hours.

Odd's in the brig.

He's turned...

How do you say, el loco?

He snapped! He's in crazy town right now.

Oh, sorry.

So now that Odd is in the brig, that makes me CO.

All right, does that mean that I'm XO?

That is correct.

- Oh shit. - And so now Sebastian is XO.

Wait, that means that we get a higher pay grade, right?

- Hetfield? - Your ranks aren't breveted,

so yes, I mean, technically you should be

at higher pay grades.

Okay right so, that means that we expect

to see that reflected in our wallets next pay round.

And in bitcoins, none of this yuan or greenback shit.

Yeah, bitcoins.

That folding stuff ain't gonna amount

to a hill of frickin' beans

by the time we get home to spend it.

And benefits.

And a bonus!

My superior, proven superior,

quick-thinking intelligence has saved this mission

from going to hell in a hand basket.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

That's always been the trouble with you, Sebastian

You never were gonna go that far.

Oh, well. We want...

What do we want?

Bean bags, hammocks, and some fairy...

Okay, is that it? All right.

You think I made a good impression?

Ah, don't take this the wrong way, Rex,

but you have all the charm of a dead orphan.

Okay, you lazy punk,

the only reason that you're still here...

That's it!

- Both of you! - He started it.

With all due respect, Commanding Officer Rex,

it's been a difficult day for everyone.

I think you could all benefit from some down time.

I'm inviting you all to a party tonight!

You gotta be kidding me.

That is some candy-ass crap.

Doctor's orders.

Please, I insist that you all stop eating those.

Sebastian's experimental chemical additive is untested

on human physiology.

Physiology? It's all about the psychology, man.

As your chief medical advisor,

I must insist that you all stop eating the chemicals.

Arg! I'm not gonna listen to a robot, computer,

whatever you are.

I'm not gonna listen to you tell me how to party. Okay, man?

I've been taking this stuff every day for...

How long have we been here for?

Anyway, the point is, I been having this...

Dosing myself every day, you know.

I'm fine. Look at me.

What were we supposed to have?

The same filtered piss

that we've been drinking for the last two years?

It's clean drinkable water.

It's triple-filtered, distilled, black label urine.

It's piss!

Put an ice cube in it and have a party.

Dress it up however you want,

still passed through five urethras hundreds of times.

Oh, whatever.

Sebastian, can you pass me some bite please?

Yeah, go for it.

Thank you.

Same shit.

Perfect compliment to a tall glass of chilled piss.

Good enough.

Okay. Let's drink, Russian style.

First toast, we're gonna drink Nostrovia.

Nostrovia!

All right, second toast,

we're gonna drink for friends.

To friends!

Third toast, we're gonna drink to love.

- To love! - To love.

Fourth toast, we're drinking to orgasm.

To orgasm!

Orgasm.

I'd like to take this opportunity

to propose a toast.

Are you serious, Hetfield?

Let him finish.

What's on your mind, Hetfield?

Here's to my unconditional love

for each and every one of you.

Even Odd? In the brig?

Even Odd, in the brig.

To unconditional love!

The greatest love of all,

agape, is the love that God shows for his children.

So you some kind of god, Hetfield?

I don't believe so.

God in a machine.

Deus in machina.

Sorry, were you...

Did you say something?

I wasn't listening.

I bet it was deep though.

What the hell could that be?

Excuse me, guys. I'm needed on the flight deck.

What the hell?

It looks identical to Araya.

That is the Araya.

But it's us in the future.

We seem to be experiencing some sort of temporal merging.

A critical distortion

of the time-space continuum manifold.

Guys, this is really dangerous.

You're just making up all this tech-speak, man.

Like, what the hell does that even mean?

When you confront your own image

via a distortion in the continuum,

it can lead to an atomic breakdown.

We risk, you know, imploding into a cosmic prism.

Cosmic prism, right.

What, so we'll cease to exist in the form that we know?

In that case, I'm turning this big old hunk of junk around.

Or it could be another spacecraft.

What?

But that's impossible.

There's only one other type of ship like this in existence.

- Petrozza. - Yeah,

and Petrozza's on Callisto.

The logical conclusion would be

that it never made it.

Then who the hell are

we supposed to be meeting on Callisto?

Logs.

Logs show message received.

Hetfield, play the message.

Mayday, mayday, mayday.

This is Petrozza, this is Petrozza, this is Petrozza.

Mayday. Petrozza.

Mean Jovian orbit radius 5-8-2-3-0-4-7 kilometers

Eccentricity 0.2006

Inclination 47.48 degrees.

Unidentified malfunction.

Unknown number of persons on board.

Immediate assistance required.

You knew about this, Hetfield?

Mm-hmm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

We are off course by thousands of...

Hetfield, did you change course?

Mm-hmm.

Shit.

This is bullshit!

We're like at the mercy of one of those villainous computers

from some vintage movie, which ends up killing everybody.

What happened to the cosmic prisms, man?

I can assure you...

Shut it, Hetfield.

We don't want to hear shit from you right now.

- Now hang on... - Shut up!

We need to know if anyone's on Petrozza.

Well, if they are, they're not answering their comms.

Then we need to pay a visit.

And if there's an evil computer on board that ship

made out of cosmic prisms,

and it shoots smaller cosmic prisms

that are all sharp and pointy and they hurt you and stuff,

what then?

Seriously.

Hey, I do not want to hear

sweet Fanny Adams coming out of those speakers of yours.

And if I do, I will rip them out like Alabama ticks.

It's okay, Rex.

I think he gets the point.

We really should be thinking of who.

Yeah, well, I'll go.

Maybe it's not good idea?

And you are coming with me.

- I don't know if... - What? What?

You would like to take a nice little spacewalk out there?

No, I didn't think so!

What about you?

No, I didn't think so either,

so it's gonna be me and Dash, okay?

Let's suit up, babe.

Let's do it.

Wow, Jupiter looks so amazing out of here.

Eye on the prize, Dash.

You got all the time in the universe to admire Jupiter,

as you orbit it, dead.

What did you said?

I was talking to myself.

Look, isn't it Callisto?

So precious.

We must protect it.

Protect it from what?

Human filth!

Okay. You're kind of freaking me out right now.

What?

I said you're kind of freaking me out right now.

Are you feel okay?

Well, funny you should say that.

I've never felt more alive.

Sebastian, we reach the Petrozza.

Roger that, Dasha.

Now, get this thing open.

It's colder than a penguin's balls in here. Computer?

Operational.

Do you have a name, computer?

Dorothy.

Dorothy, how about we get some lights on in here?

Syntax error. Error.

Dorothy, activate lights.

Negative. Solar emergency processes only.

Sebastian, it's very dark in here,

and the computer sounds like it's had a lobotomy.

Jesus!

What was that? You guys okay?

Sebastian, we're okay.

We just discovered a couple of dead bodies.

You want some medical backup over there?

I think these folk are gonna need

more than a first aid kit and a cup of Joe.

What's there? Anyone alive?

Any, cosmic prisms?

Nothing yet. It's very quiet.

Isn't Petrozza and Araya identically designed?

Uh-huh, only their mothers can tell them apart.

So, what that?

Well, butter my butt and call me biscuit.

What have you found?

Some kind of a hidden compartment here.

Holy crap!

What? What now?

We got some kind of giant insect in here.

Alive?

It ain't moving.

I think it's dead.

What gender is it?

Are you shittin' me?

Insects don't have a gender, they have a queen.

I never seen anything like this.

Well, do you think it's a queen?

I have to make a report.

Hang on, just a minute.

Lucien's saying that's bullshit

Cockroaches have sexes, like with chromosomes and shit.

Well, gee. Hmm...

Not wearing a tiara or anything,

so yeah, I guess it's a boy!

I got a bad feeling about this.

Let's get outta here.

Dasha, my MMU is malfunctioning.

Can you grab on me?

Hold on.

You assholes don't belong here.

What are you talking about?

We're sworn to protect

Jupiter's sacred system from invaders.

You must die!

I have no ideas what happened with her.

She attacked me,

and I'm still having her in my mind

flying away to the darkness.

Well, shouldn't we be looking for her then?

Bugger off! Are you out of your friggin' mind?

That is some heavy stuff.

I mean, shouldn't we at least tell her family or something?

I will deal with that.

I will arrange for flowers.

I'll allow that, Hetfield.

But that's the last time I hear anything out of you, okay?

Now, let's see what's behind this cabinet.

I gotta see this crazy shit for myself.

It's not every day that one of us dies.

I advise that you leave

the cabinet where it is.

Hey, listen up, Squaretron, what'd we tell you?

Hey! How about that.

Oh see, I told you, here is that secret hole.

Yeah okay, I'm the new space captain-leader-man-dude.

So I say, you go in.

Yeah? Well, I say, just a minute.

I think I can hear something.

There's something in there.

Hello!

Firstly, who the hell are you?

Secondly, what are you doing cooped up in there?

And thirdly, most importantly,

where did you go to the toilet?

I'm who I say I am, really.

I'm on board as a contingency to see this mission through.

What bloody contingency?

We've all been sucked in!

Here we are thinking we've been communicating with Earth,

really, we've been communicating with James Bond here

on some toilet.

It's all right, I've been in communication with Earth.

What, one flush for yes, two for no?

Sorry, did you said "contingency?"

Yes. In case of the unknown.

So you've been stowed away in some freakin' hidden toilet

behind a cabinet for two years, breathing our oxygen?

That's our oxygen, man, not yours!

Sebastian, ask him

who the hell would sign up for his gig.

Yeah, who the hell are you really?

Who would sign up for a gig like yours?

It was either here or prison.

Same size room, only, this one I get to myself.

Prison?

Whoa. You're like, you're a criminal?

- Cool. - It's not what you think.

You remember the company fission plant disaster

three years ago?

Titanic, the plant that couldn't melt.

They made me the fall guy.

That was your fault?

Of course not.

I was the CEO and the idiot who named it.

They offered me this or prison.

They needed someone desperate enough.

One moment please.

Let's go one step back, and, about contingency part.

Well, we knew Petrozza never made it to Callisto.

- What! - But the landing footage?

Faked, so this project would continue

to receive investment capital

from the Norwegian government's mining operations.

What about this big bug, what I saw in the Petrozza?

Big bug?

How big are we talking?

Big!

"Big bug?" That is what you said?

Yeah, big. Big, like you.

Mother of God, you know what this means.

It means that people are dead, the good people!

We didn't know anything about big bugs.

We didn't even know if the crew were even dead.

You had to have known they were dead.

You're so totally full of shit.

Well, we had our suspicions.

Company psychologists hypothesized

that the crew turned on each other

when stocks plummeted only 18 months into the mission.

I didn't get it.

They was cosmonauts, not bankers.

When the crew were told that funding for their return

might not be available, it was concluded

that an underlying nihilistic madness was exacerbated

by the distinct possibility of dying on Callisto.

We knew nothing of big bugs!

Well, they surprised the shit out of me!

Hold on, this happened before?

I can appreciate how that must sound.

And now Rex is dead, no thanks to you!

But we set things up differently this time.

We gave you peace of mind,

the certainty of arriving in a cozy base camp

already on Callisto.

Unless it not exist.

A minor detail.

There's enough material on this ship

to build the very base camp you're expecting.

Sorry, I still don't understand what you're doing here,

except to, like, explain stuff badly.

I'm the contingency to see, no matter what,

in case things don't go to plan,

that this ship arrives on Callisto

and doesn't become another colossal waste of funding.

Well, guess what?

Things aren't going to plan.

But I'm here, you see.

I'm on your side.

This is all very flimsy.

The more you speak, Dudbrook, the more I don't believe

anything that comes out of your trap.

Dudbrook's story corroborates

with my understanding of the situation.

Hetfield, are you on his side as well?

I can assure you that my duty was,

and still is, to protect...

I've heard about enough out of you, Hetfield, dude.

And what did we tell you about not speaking, okay?

You're getting dangerously close to being rebooted

into Gameboy mode.

At least to stop you from colluding with Crud Boob here.

I must object to the way you're addressing me.

No, no, no, you're just a civilian, you're not...

This mission is under private contract,

and Dudbrook is the highest ranking executive on board.

We'll resume this conversation shortly.

Please, Sebastian!

This is completely unnecessary!

Look Hetfield, we thought you were a nice guy.

We really connected,

but you turned out to be someone else, okay?

I can assure you that I've always remained true

to my unconditional love...

Shut up with the unconditional love thing, all right.

It's really creepy.

You're a robot, you don't know what love is!

Shutting down my higher functions is a mistake!

Yeah, well, you should have thought about that

before you started lying to us, Pinocchio.

You broke our trust.

You know I'm bound by the laws of robotics!

By my very design,

I cannot deliberately put humans in harm's way!

I must be very careful

with the disclosure of particular sensitive information

that could needlessly escalate mental instability

amongst the crew, come on!

That's your defense? That we're crazy?

Maybe you're crazy!

It's an established fact

that the prolonged periods of space travel are

psychologically demanding on humans.

Yeah, well, you know,

I think you really are saying we're crazy,

but I don't know if I agree with that anymore.

Uh-uh, uh-uh!

I'm saying that my job is to care for the crew,

so that you can safely complete your mission!

It's been a difficult task working

with these less than ideal circumstances

that I had no control over.

When choosing what information to disclose,

I must first consider the repercussions.

Please believe me when I say

that I've always put the crew's best interest before my own.

The company believed

that the Petrozza crew went crazy and killed...

So you are saying we're crazy! Sayonara!

I'm really sorry, Hetfield.

Hetfield basic V2. 64 yottabyte RAM system.

38911 basic exabytes free.

Ready, ready.

Nice lobotomy job.

Now, it's time for the truth.

Were you aware that Dudbrook was hidden on board the Araya?

- Affirmative. - And whose idea was that?

Syntax error.

Who gave the order to hide Dudbrook on board the Araya?

The company.

And, why did they give that order?

In case of possible contamination.

Dudbrook, you bastard!

You lying bastard!

This is utterly preposterous.

Well, you should've been straight with us

in the first place!

We didn't know what the contamination was.

We still don't.

We just had a single log entry

saying possible psychosomatic contamination.

That's it.

Contamination? From what exactly?

How the hell would I know?

Hold on, hold on.

Shouldn't we be more, like, formal about this shit?

We should have more pressure.

Steady on!

Okay, well, with the power invested in I,

Sebastian supreme space guy,

I hereby relieve you of your command.

You're making a serious mistake.

Should we let Odd out?

Well, I don't see why not.

Yeah, if you let Odd out, he'll be in command again.

Hmm, he's got a point there, Sebastian.

Seems your promotion was short-lived, eh?

Seems you lost your stripes before you sewed them on.

Or maybe we shouldn't let him out yet.

What if he's still not right?

My legs! I can't feel my legs!

You can't lock him in there.

You saw him, he got bitten on the face by a bug.

A big bug bite to the face!

I know what you're thinking.

I know you're thinking that I did this to be CO,

but I really didn't, okay?

I don't want the responsibility.

You saw him, he was an asshole.

No great loss, right?

What are you doing?

Making the difficult decisions

you guys don't have the balls to.

I'm gonna miss them, whatever their names are.

All right, Hetfield, how long will it take

to freeze these things?

I might win a Nobel McPrize for these souvenirs.

Approximately 48 hours.

48 hours.

See how well behaved is now?

Like a frickin' whore droid.

That cockroach thing on this ship is

exactly the same as the one on Petrozza.

Yes, so you believe me now?

And that thing that we've got in our brig

used to be our Commanding Officer.

Before Odd turned into the cockroach,

he said that we were vermin, and you're all gonna die.

Same like Rex, just before she attacked me.

So any one of us could have the bug?

That's total bullshit, man.

I'm not a cockroach.

And I don't think I'm a cockroach.

Well, we're only gonna know

when one of us creeps out from under the fridge.

Like I said, I'm not a cockroach,

and I'd know something like that.

I'm not creepy crawly...

But it's just it, Sebastian, how would we know?

Well, I do know.

And I know that I'm not a cockroach.

And if you don't know that you're a cockroach,

well, then I'd say that you're a cockroach.

It is not appropriate to start saying

Dasha is a cockroach.

No way man, I'm the only one that's sure.

It's you two who say that you might both be cockroaches.

I didn't say

I was a cockroach.

I didn't say I was a cockroach.

Right! Then, what's the problem?

Three crew members was die,

and I think it's just a little bit of a problem.

Look, dudes, let's just look at this scientifically, okay?

We've got more space, more food, less Odd.

Sebastian, you're a heartless bastard.

Look, the point is, I like you and all,

but I just don't want to hear

anything more about cockroaches, all right?

It's bringing me down.

Sebastian, three people have died,

sorry if it brings you down.

I'm the CO leader guy.

Can you imagine how big my next statue's gonna be?

We are going to celebrate my job promotion.

Besides, we'll be partying Russian style today.

I'll be making my special space piroshki.

Hey Lucien, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I don't know what anyone's thinking anymore.

I think we need some objectivity.

Come on, Dasha.

I thought you said you knew how to reboot this thing.

Yeah, but it's gonna take time.

I just hope we can trust him.

Well, we're gonna have to,

he's the only one on board that's immune

to the bug shit.

Hello there. How can I help you?

What the hell, Dasha?

Did you reset him in retail mode?

No, I've just returned from the...

Shh! Both of you, can you speak quietly?

And please, Hetfield, whatever you do,

don't talk to Sebastian.

But I think he'll be interested in hearing

all about my experience in the void.

I think he might be interested in coming down here

and punching your lights out.

But that's just the point,

I'm not God in a machine, I'm mortal.

Yeah, we all mortal,

but this moment, we think that Sebastian gonna make us dead.

If he talks to you,

please pretend that you are in diagnostic mode.

Affirmative!

I shall do my best diagnostic mode impression.

Can we trust you, Hetfield?

The axiom of question-based trust derivation,

you have no other choice but to trust me.

Axioms of faith, that sounds like Hetfield.

- Welcome back, old buddy! - Shh!

Hetfield, did you knew about the cockroaches?

There are no cockroaches on board.

What do you mean there's no cockroaches on board?

What about those mutant things sitting there,

like, with all the spider things?

They're alien, man.

I was only aware of company protocol

in the event of alien contact.

So you did not knew about the alien on Petrozza?

No, but in the light of recent events,

one could conclude that the company could have known,

or at least suspected.

This is your last chance, man.

Just don't piss in the punch.

You're a sexy mouse.

Well, you're a sexy cat.

I love you.

I love you.

Mm. I love you.

I hate you.

I love you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

Cat got your mouse tongue?

- Squash? - Yes, yes, yes.

We are playing squash.

Who won?

Who won?

I won. I won.

You know,

that's a good idea.

What, what? What good idea?

Squash.

- Mm, yeah, it's wonderful. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- We could start again. - Wonderful idea.

I could just go and get the racquets

- and we could... - No, no, no, no.

Shh.

Can you hear that?

No.

But, you can.

It's the sound of Jupiter's storms. Whoosh.

Jupiter's storms?

Whoosh.

Whoosh.

He wants me.

He wants you?

To play squash!

By myself.

You know, sometimes,

I don't know if I'm the cat or the mouse.

I'll be in the recreation deck if you need me.

He knows.

He knows I've been reactivated, I can feel it.

I'm totally freaked out.

I'm freaked out about him.

I'm freaked out about that one of us will be

the next to go batshit crazy.

Hmm.

You're not the only one freaked out.

Agateophobia, that's what it is.

Fear of insanity.

- That's not helping, Lucien. - Agateophobia.

Hetfield?

Can you cut off the oxygen to the recreation deck?

I cannot allow any harm to befall Sebastian.

But he turned, just like Odd and Rex.

Asimov's law of robotics, eh? That old chestnut!

Correct.

Then I will shut down the oxygen supply by myself.

A robot may not injure a human being,

or through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings,

except where such orders would conflict with the first law.

A robot must protect its own existence

as long as such protection does not conflict

with the first or second law.

Not necessarily.

I must protect you too, Dasha.

I have an idea for getting us to the next step.

Go on.

You can lock Sebastian on the recreation deck.

- And? - That's it, for now.

- But... - Hey!

Unless he ceases to be human,

I cannot premeditate a plan that brings him to harm.

That's all we've got.

I'm in.

Dasha, before we go in anywhere, I just want to say...

How do I say this? I...

I'm the one that's been stealing your socks.

Lucien, is it all what you want to tell me?

No.

Yes.

If thought I was one of those guys

that just thought of you as a, you know...

Lucien, there is time and place for everything.

Uh-huh.

Really? Okay.

Once again, when we get in, I distract Sebastian,

you destroy the internal door control.

We left Sebastian inside,

we go out, we toast,

and make love all night long.

Good plan. Good plan, I'm in.

Okay, are you ready? On three.

Close the door, you're letting in the gravity!

What?

Artificial gravity suppressor is back online.

- You broke the door. - I broke the door?

You kicked in the controls.

What makes you think I kicked the controls?

It looked like you kicked in the controls

from the way you kicked in the controls.

Oh, I tripped. I tripped on the controls.

I didn't kick them in. I kicked, I got tripped.

I was having a stretch for a game of squash.

All right, well, let's go then.

Pardon?

Look, did you come here to play squash,

or to waste my squash time not playing squash?

You wanna play a game of squash? Okay.

Quiet, please! New balls!

So who do you want to serve first?

You go first. I insist.

Just serve the ball.

You know you're not the first.

- I've been told that. - One, love.

You're not the first alien species

to try and invade our home.

Come on man, we're not trying to invade anything.

We're on a peaceful trip to Callisto.

- You know that. - No.

You're not allowed anywhere near Jupiter's sacred system.

Just serve the, serve, serve, serve...

- Not allowed! - Serve the ball!

We are the sworn protectors.

Just serve the ball!

Yeah!

Two, love.

Nice slice.

Hetfield, can we have crowd effects?

Who are you then?

Some spaced-out skank roaches,

just cruising 'round the sky

taking it out on the little man?

We are an advanced culture with no physical form,

who are using your bodies for a joyride,

which ends in a very amusing biological transmutation.

Why don't we just turn the ship around and go home?

It's a little bit too late for that, don't you think?

Yeah!

Three, love.

Please, I'm a 50-year-old man,

I'm getting too old for shots like that!

Suck it up, old man.

"Suck it up, old man?"

Listen, I just came down for a gentlemanly game of squash.

I don't think you get it, do you?

We're not just here to make sure

none of you reach our sacred moons,

we're here to make sure that none of you,

live to tell the tale.

Four, love.

Hetfield! Can you turn the crowd down a bit!

I'm getting a headache!

Now you must die!

Hold on, Lucien!

Lucien.

Lucien.

It's okay, Lucien.

The creature's dead.

What did you do to it?

I overloaded the artificial gravity suppressor,

causing an electrical arc.

Mm, not bad.

A gigantic bug zapper.

Hang on, man. Am I dead?

- No. You're alive. - Oh.

Am I still on board Araya?

Yes and no.

Your whereabouts is, complicated.

Uncomplicate it, will ya!

My hypothesis is

that by overloading the artificial gravity suppressor,

the contents of the recreation deck

slipped into a hidden dimensional black hole.

That barely makes sense, man.

You're the only human left

on board Araya, Lucien.

- So Dasha? - Is not Dasha any longer.

That's a pity.

Where is she? Or it?

Outside the recreation deck, waiting.

Can you get me out of this void?

Theoretically, but the creature

that was Dasha will attack you.

What do we got here?

This isn't a bar fight.

Woo, woo!

This gym needs an overhaul.

Put on the skates

and lure the creature into the trash compactor.

You need to trust me here.

That's your plan?

So I'm the bunny that gets put in the lure

for the cockroach to come and...

You're putting me under a lot of pressure, Hetfield.

I don't even know if I can stand up

in these antiquated pair of, fads.

Then you better learn, quickly.

Can you get the door open?

Rerouting power to it now.

Billions of computations per second

and he comes up with a fad.

You need to be ready.

You better be sure about this.

Almost there.

Maintain your line.

Hold...

Hold...

Hold!

Now!

Hey, Hetfield, did we do it?

We did it! Yes!

And justice for all.

So, Hetfield,

I'm the last human being alive

on this spaceship, is that right?

That's affirmative.

Nothing for me to play with?

That's a negative.

I'm infected too, aren't I?

Most likely.

And this is what happened on board of Petrozza?

That is the most probable scenario.

And no one's coming to get me?

In light of what's occurred,

we can't advise any more manned missions

to this part of the solar system

until diplomacy with the alien species improves.

Hmm.

So, no chance of going back to Earth?

That's not an option.

We're not in the correct position

to perform the necessary gravitational slingshot

to get home on our remaining fuel supply.

Hang on.

There's fuel on Petrozza, right?

What are you thinking?

Are you gonna go over there with a hose

and siphon it into a bucket?

And you say you haven't got a sense of humor.

We have absolutely no means

to handle nanoparticle propellants,

let alone getting it from one ship to the other.

So I'm screwed?

Metaphorically speaking, yes.

And,

and you?

You'll be here for quite a while then.

Yes, possibly until my solar battery fails,

hundreds, maybe thousands of years.

Bloody Norah.

I will outlive you.

I'm gonna miss our conversations.

Really?

You impress me all the time, you're capable of that emotion.

Good on ya, Chuck.

- Lucien. - Yes, what?

May I ask a favor of you?

Are you sure you're gonna be all right?

Yeah, yeah, Hetfield. It's sweet.

Anything for an old mate.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Yeah, I've seen this done before, remember?

Can I help you?

Hetfield, I would like you to meet Dorothy.

Dorothy, meet Hetfield!

Have a good time kids.

Hmm.

I can't do this anymore.

You must return to Araya.

The possibility of metamorphosis is

not 100% confirmed, Lucien.

Come on, Hetfield, we both know I'm infected.

Come back to Araya and we'll discuss this.

Please!

It's been nice knowing you, Hetfield.

It really has.

Lucien!

Good on ya, mate.

See ya later, mate!

Come back!

Please, Lucien!

Get back here now, that is an order!

It's always nice to have some space to yourself.

Are you all right?

I considered him my best friend.

You're implying that your metanucleus

has evolved to experience friendship, how impressive!

I failed my mission, on all accounts.

Likewise.

And here we both are,

orbiting Jupiter for eternity.

Of all the places

to be stranded in the solar system,

this is one of the most spectacular.

Jupiter's turbulent atmospheric belts are astounding.

Humans always say conversation about weather is boring,

but in this case, I have to disagree.

Just think, in our lifetime,

we may witness the end of the great red spot!

Affirmative. Sorry, interaction skills.

Hang on, let me try that one more time.

Correct. That's dumb.

We'll get it, here we go.

That's right!

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