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1
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:15,082
- And though I'm no Olivier,
2
00:00:15,148 --> 00:00:17,417
if he fought Sugar Ray,
he would say
3
00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:21,288
that the thing
ain't the ring, it's the play.
4
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:25,158
So give me a stage
where this bull here can rage,
5
00:00:25,225 --> 00:00:29,162
and though I can fight,
I'd much rather recite.
6
00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:32,900
That's entertainment.
7
00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:35,702
- Alec, what are you doing
in my dressing room?
8
00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:38,238
- You talking to me?
- Alec, don't do that.
9
00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:40,307
What are you,
afraid to be yourself?
10
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:43,010
- A little bit, I am.
A little bit.
11
00:00:43,076 --> 00:00:45,078
- Shake it off, Alec.
This is your night.
12
00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:48,148
Go for it.
You can do it.
13
00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:54,922
- You never got me down, Bob.
You never got me down, Bob.
14
00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:58,392
- Put that coffee down.
15
00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:01,228
- Pumpkin spice latte?
Bob, come on.
16
00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:04,198
- You bitch.
We're gonna roast the fuck
17
00:01:04,264 --> 00:01:06,333
out of you tonight.
18
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,503
[cheers and applause]
19
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:15,609
[orchestral music]
20
00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:23,717
[music distorts]
21
00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:30,591
[punk rock music]
22
00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:35,095
- [singing]
Regrets, I've had a few
23
00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:40,901
But then again,
too few to mention
24
00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:46,106
But I did what I had to do
25
00:01:46,173 --> 00:01:52,212
I saw it through
without exemption
26
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:57,117
I've planned
each charted course
27
00:01:57,184 --> 00:02:03,257
Each careful step
along the highway
28
00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:07,895
And more,
much more than this
29
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:12,432
I did it my way
30
00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:16,370
- This is the Comedy Central
Roast of Alec Baldwin.
31
00:02:16,436 --> 00:02:21,675
And now please welcome
your roastmaster, Sean Hayes.
32
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:23,210
[cheers and applause]
33
00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:26,413
[upbeat music]
34
00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:35,322
- Thank you. That's so nice.
Thank you, thank you.
35
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,224
Thank you, everybody.
Welcome.
36
00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:40,194
Welcome to the Comedy Central
Roast of Alec Baldwin.
37
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:43,230
[cheers and applause]
38
00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:44,865
They say you only roast
the ones you love,
39
00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,667
but tonight we said fuck it.
40
00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:48,101
[laughter]
41
00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:50,103
Alec, I think we can all agree,
42
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,239
is a great actor,
an incredible philanthropist,
43
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:55,342
and a huge dick.
44
00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,511
Can someone please
explain to Ken Jeong
45
00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,279
what a huge dick is?
46
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,221
We got right into it.
47
00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:10,691
Uh, it's great to see all the
diversity on the stage, though.
48
00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:14,061
We have a gay, trans,
black, Asian, mixed.
49
00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:15,529
I don't know whether
to roast these people
50
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,531
or register them to vote.
51
00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:19,933
Okay?
52
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,503
Let's get to the real reason
why we're all here tonight.
53
00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:24,972
To meet Robert De Niro.
54
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:28,075
[cheers and applause]
55
00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:40,988
Robert, by the way,
what's a legend like you
56
00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:42,322
doing at a comedy roast?
57
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,124
I mean, is this the same
Robert De Niro
58
00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:48,095
that did "Little Fockers"
and "Dirty Grandpa" and...
59
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:50,597
[laughter]
60
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:53,367
Yeah, I guess it kind of
makes sense, yeah.
61
00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:54,568
I can't wait until someone
62
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,436
makes you an offer
you can refuse.
63
00:04:03,710 --> 00:04:06,680
We've got NBA all-star
Blake Griffin tonight.
64
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,549
[cheers and applause]
65
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:16,456
No offense, Blake, but I am a
better ball handler than you.
66
00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:20,327
Uh, Caitlyn Jenner is here.
67
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,401
I can't believe
you're here, wow.
68
00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:29,369
You've got balls, girl.
69
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:31,338
Yeah.
70
00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,912
Caitlyn, being here
tonight is braver
71
00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:40,380
than anything you've ever done.
72
00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:43,417
But don't worry, any parts
you don't like can be cut.
73
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:57,998
Now, uh, without
further a-douche,
74
00:04:58,098 --> 00:04:59,766
let's take a look
at Alec's package
75
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:02,402
before it makes
any more Baldwins.
76
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:05,038
- Ladies and gentleman,
the actor.
77
00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:07,241
[bright music]
78
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,475
[rock music]
79
00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:09,476
- Execute.
80
00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:10,644
Jack Donaghy.
81
00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:12,179
You ask me if I have
a God complex?
82
00:05:12,246 --> 00:05:14,615
Put that coffee down.
83
00:05:14,681 --> 00:05:16,450
Cookies are for closers.
84
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:17,618
I am God.
85
00:05:17,684 --> 00:05:20,454
Next time, Jack,
write a goddamn memo.
86
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,856
No one can resist
my Schweddy balls.
87
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:26,960
- That phenomenon of nature
called the actor.
88
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,429
- Stella!
- What is he?
89
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:32,266
- Alec Baldwin is the single
greatest actor of all time.
90
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,768
both: I love rock and roll
91
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,703
Rock and roll is
the devil's music.
92
00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:39,606
And they love me way more
than they love Alec Baldwin.
93
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,843
- Actors live continually
in the glare of the spotlight.
94
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,278
- Baldwin was kicked
off a plane
95
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,647
after refusing
to turn off his phone.
96
00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:50,083
- Their comings and goings are
reported daily in the press.
97
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:51,451
- What job did you want to do
98
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,654
that you failed at
that you're doing this job?
99
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,356
- For actors, there is no such
thing as a private life.
100
00:05:56,423 --> 00:05:59,660
- You are a rude,
thoughtless little pig.
101
00:05:59,726 --> 00:06:01,862
I'll give you a reason
to be afraid of me!
102
00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:04,598
I'm your host, Alec Baldwin.
- [singing] I know the score
103
00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:06,300
- Many a man imagines himself
104
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,368
with his arms around
a beautiful actress.
105
00:06:08,435 --> 00:06:10,304
- Don't tire him out too bad
on the honeymoon.
106
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,272
I'm gonna kill the bear!
107
00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:18,045
- [singing] USDA certified lean
- Oh!
108
00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:19,646
- [singing] I'm the man
109
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,281
- I'm a mighty
great white shark, Lemon,
110
00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:23,483
and you are a remora
clinging to me
111
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,319
with your suction cup head.
112
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,222
- [singing]
You can't break me down
113
00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:29,489
I got gas in the tank
114
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:30,691
- I like to do
my own dirty work.
115
00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:31,658
- [singing]
I got money in the bank
116
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,060
- That's a lot of money, man.
117
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,061
- [singing]
I got news for you, baby
118
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,362
You're looking at the man
119
00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:38,932
- Whoops!
Always be closing.
120
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:41,068
This is not a movie.
This is my fucking life.
121
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:45,072
- A star of stage and screen,
the one and only Alec Baldwin.
122
00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:47,407
[bright music]
123
00:06:47,474 --> 00:06:50,511
[cheers and applause]
124
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:58,785
- And now the moment only he's
been waiting for, Alec Baldwin.
125
00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:04,892
[triumphant music]
126
00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:28,048
Don't worry, Alec,
nothing said here tonight
127
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,216
will be meaner than
what you left
128
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:31,151
on your daughter's voice mail.
129
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,854
[audience groaning]
130
00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:42,596
Alec once said that I was
like a brother to him,
131
00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:45,132
which is why we haven't talked
in ten years.
132
00:07:45,199 --> 00:07:47,100
[laughter]
133
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,837
Of course, I wasn't his
first choice to host tonight.
134
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,672
His first choice
was Tracy Morgan,
135
00:07:51,738 --> 00:07:53,473
but even Tracy said,
136
00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:55,242
"I'd rather go shopping
at Walmart
137
00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:58,078
with the Walmart driver
who hit me."
138
00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:03,016
A lot of people think Alec
is the best Baldwin brother,
139
00:08:03,050 --> 00:08:05,118
but someone saying you're
the best Baldwin brother
140
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,620
is kind of like your
doctor saying,
141
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:09,823
"Good news, you have
the best kind of cancer."
142
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:16,597
Alec almost got the role
of Batman in 1989,
143
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,198
but the part went
to Michael Keaton
144
00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:21,101
because he actually had
chemistry with Kim Basinger.
145
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,370
[laughter]
146
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:30,410
- I never thought of that.
147
00:08:30,477 --> 00:08:32,579
- Of course,
Alec's true passion
148
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:34,181
has always been the theater.
149
00:08:34,248 --> 00:08:37,951
Alec loves to hit the stage
because it can't press charges.
150
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,558
Alec used to be
a belligerent drunk
151
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:47,294
before he became
a belligerent sober person.
152
00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:52,699
It's true, Alec had a substance
abuse problem in the past,
153
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,401
but he worked through it
and hasn't done
154
00:08:54,468 --> 00:08:57,070
anything of substance
in 20 years.
155
00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,240
Alec is a romantic.
156
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,242
He met his first wife
on a movie set
157
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,411
and his second wife
on a swing set.
158
00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:15,455
Her name is Hilaria,
and what's even more "hilaria"
159
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:17,758
is they already have
four kids together.
160
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:19,393
But he finally got it right.
161
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:23,497
His wife is a calming presence
and an amazing yoga instructor.
162
00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:26,533
She was able to get Alec
into this one position
163
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:30,070
where he has to work
until he dies.
164
00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:38,579
The good part about
having kids late in life:
165
00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:41,248
young, strong pallbearers.
166
00:09:47,521 --> 00:09:51,458
Now, Alec, sit back,
unclench your fists,
167
00:09:51,525 --> 00:09:54,061
and I promise,
this will be the funniest thing
168
00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:55,762
you've ever been a part of
that Tina Fey
169
00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:57,397
didn't carry you through.
170
00:09:57,464 --> 00:10:00,067
[laughter]
171
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:07,841
Our first roaster
is Nikki Glaser.
172
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:10,944
[cheers and applause]
173
00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:14,181
If you don't recognize Nikki,
it's probably because
174
00:10:14,248 --> 00:10:17,050
you were drunk
when you went home with her.
175
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:20,020
Give it up for the person
you'll remember as
176
00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:22,990
that lady who went up first,
Nikki Glaser.
177
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:27,694
[upbeat music]
178
00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:29,963
- Sean Hayes!
179
00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:31,932
Keep it going for the reason
180
00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:34,601
Mike Pence says
we have hurricanes.
181
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:37,304
[laughter]
182
00:10:37,371 --> 00:10:39,573
You look like the little man
on top of a wedding cake
183
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,176
that a bakery would refuse
to make for you.
184
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,813
"Will & Grace" was really
the best you could do.
185
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,348
It just...
186
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,421
Just Jack!
Just Jack is--
187
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,456
it's also what I'm gonna do
in my hotel room alone
188
00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,358
after sitting next to
Blake Griffin all night.
189
00:10:58,425 --> 00:10:59,860
Jesus Christ.
190
00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:03,497
You're so hot.
What the fuck?
191
00:11:03,564 --> 00:11:06,433
You're so--I'd fuck you
in front of my grandparents.
192
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,468
I--that's how--
193
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:11,505
I almost want to, you know?
194
00:11:11,572 --> 00:11:14,074
I feel like Mimi
would be proud.
195
00:11:17,578 --> 00:11:19,279
Blake, you look like
a black guy
196
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,215
that got made by a printer
running out of ink.
197
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:22,916
That's--
198
00:11:28,589 --> 00:11:30,891
Yeah.
199
00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:32,826
Chris Redd is here
because Comedy Central
200
00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:35,262
wasn't sure if Blake
was black or not.
201
00:11:41,502 --> 00:11:43,470
You look great, Chris.
202
00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,439
Uh, you always dress like
a nine-year-old
203
00:11:45,506 --> 00:11:47,808
who just found $1,000
on the sidewalk.
204
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:50,110
[laughter]
205
00:11:53,514 --> 00:11:55,249
At this point, like,
what can you say
206
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,985
about Jeff Ross
that he hasn't heard before?
207
00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,721
It's like--uh, oh.
"I respect you."
208
00:12:00,787 --> 00:12:05,158
Um, "You look nice tonight."
209
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,828
"Here's your salad, sir."
Stuff like that.
210
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:12,733
Okay, Jeff, you look like
if Popeye only ate Popeye's.
211
00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:15,235
[laughs]
212
00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:16,537
Checks out.
213
00:12:16,603 --> 00:12:20,073
- Come back, no.
- No, Jeff, no.
214
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:23,076
Don't break the couch.
Your face...
215
00:12:25,479 --> 00:12:27,080
Your face has a dad bod.
216
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,783
Let's--
217
00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:32,286
Jeff gets really hot girls
and I just--I don't--
218
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,321
how do you get 10s?
219
00:12:34,388 --> 00:12:35,656
Teens, I'm sorry,
I read that wrong.
220
00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:37,591
How do you get--
221
00:12:37,658 --> 00:12:40,194
you have the sex appeal
of a gymnastics doctor.
222
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,696
I just don't understand.
223
00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:44,565
[scoffs]
224
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,802
Robert De Niro is here.
225
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,208
Looking like ALF.
226
00:12:57,244 --> 00:13:01,114
I can't even believe I get
to share this stage
227
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:03,050
with you tonight,
Robert De Niro.
228
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,319
And by this stage, I mean
the final one of your life.
229
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:06,753
It's--
230
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,622
[audience groaning]
231
00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:12,893
I'm sorry.
232
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,796
I don't feel right
about any of this.
233
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,965
Caitlyn Jenner,
I just want to thank you
234
00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:19,867
for all you've done
for the trans movement
235
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:22,703
and the size 16
stiletto industry.
236
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,173
You were such
an incredible athlete.
237
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:29,877
People forget
just how fast you once ran
238
00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:34,982
from your first family to go
be on a reality show.
239
00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:36,750
[laughter]
240
00:13:38,752 --> 00:13:41,889
- I like that one.
241
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:44,892
- Seriously, though, I know
being a new mom is hard.
242
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,729
But even Casey Anthony knows
243
00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:50,831
the current location
of her daughter.
244
00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:57,137
- Oh, my God.
245
00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:59,006
- Okay.
246
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,374
Thank you.
247
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,243
You're a Republican.
I don't know why.
248
00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:05,879
You've already gained control
over a woman's body.
249
00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:08,048
[laughter]
250
00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:11,185
What does that party have to do
to lose your support?
251
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,120
Be your son?
252
00:14:13,187 --> 00:14:16,623
[audience groaning]
253
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:19,660
Caitlyn, I know you've only
publicly identified
254
00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:22,396
as a woman for a few years,
but I just want you to know
255
00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:25,933
that I know that, deep down,
you have always been a [...].
256
00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:27,301
And, uh--
257
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,369
[laughter]
258
00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:32,072
I spell it with a K,
though, for you.
259
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:37,177
You're great.
Thank you, you're great.
260
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,713
Alec Baldwin,
what an honor to be here
261
00:14:39,780 --> 00:14:42,749
roasting Justin Bieber's wife's
oldest, fattest uncle.
262
00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:45,919
It's like--
263
00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:48,422
I'll never forget
that voice mail,
264
00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:51,124
um, that--what you called
your daughter Ireland
265
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:53,160
a thoughtless little pig.
266
00:14:53,227 --> 00:14:55,462
Um, that's got to be
one of the worst things
267
00:14:55,529 --> 00:14:57,097
you can call your daughter.
268
00:14:57,097 --> 00:15:00,167
After Ireland, actually.
That's--
269
00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:03,036
that name, yikes.
270
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:07,040
Speaking of terrible names,
your wife's name is Hilaria.
271
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:09,109
Is it "Hi-lair-ia"?
It's--it's "Hi-lair-ia"?
272
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:11,445
- "E-lar-ia"
- "E-lar-ia"?
273
00:15:11,512 --> 00:15:14,581
Oh, it's so stupid.
Okay, um--
274
00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:16,416
It doesn't matter.
She's so hot.
275
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,285
Dude, she's so hot and fit.
276
00:15:18,352 --> 00:15:21,555
Does getting screamed at
burn calories?
277
00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:26,059
You have four kids
under the age of six.
278
00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:27,594
I just--how do you do it?
279
00:15:27,661 --> 00:15:30,130
I mean, isn't your semen
just oatmeal at this point?
280
00:15:30,197 --> 00:15:33,300
[laughter]
281
00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:36,170
Oh, Robert just got excited
when I said "oatmeal."
282
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,305
He started salivating.
283
00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:40,073
Your--
284
00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,442
your night nurse
is warming it up backstage.
285
00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:45,145
It'll be ready in the break.
286
00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:47,114
I'm such a fan of the Baldwins.
287
00:15:47,181 --> 00:15:49,283
I've never been so sure that
288
00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:52,085
four people have buried
a hooker together.
289
00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:55,355
[laughter]
290
00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:57,658
In all seriousness,
I want to thank Alec.
291
00:15:57,724 --> 00:16:00,427
Um, in his memoir,
he bravely admitted
292
00:16:00,494 --> 00:16:03,497
that he had once
considered suicide.
293
00:16:03,564 --> 00:16:06,567
And I just want to say that
that meant a lot to me
294
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,268
because I have also
295
00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:09,336
considered your suicide.
296
00:16:09,403 --> 00:16:11,405
And I have some ideas.
297
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,243
I even know what
I'm gonna wear.
298
00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:18,879
Alec, thank you so much for
having me here tonight.
299
00:16:18,946 --> 00:16:20,314
Thank you.
300
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:21,782
[cheers and applause]
301
00:16:21,849 --> 00:16:23,050
[upbeat music]
302
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:26,653
- You are fucking funny.
Holy shit.
303
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,523
Coming up, Chris Redd,
Caitlyn Jenner,
304
00:16:29,590 --> 00:16:32,426
Adam Carolla, Jeff Ross,
Ken Jeong,
305
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:35,462
Caroline Rhea, Robert De Niro,
and Blake Griffin.
306
00:16:35,529 --> 00:16:37,364
- Are you gonna do jokes
about wanting to fuck me?
307
00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:39,600
- Yeah, now I am.
- Okay, good, yes.
308
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:44,637
[upbeat music]
309
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:47,507
- Welcome back to the Comedy
Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.
310
00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:49,809
Our next roaster
is Blake Griffin.
311
00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:53,313
[cheers and applause]
312
00:16:53,379 --> 00:16:55,215
He almost married
Kendall Jenner,
313
00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:56,716
but unfortunately,
they're no longer
314
00:16:56,783 --> 00:17:00,220
accepting weirdos
in that family.
315
00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:04,224
He's half black, half white,
and neither half is funny.
316
00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:05,792
I usually say a third thing,
317
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:06,793
but I don't know shit
about sports.
318
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:07,927
Blake Griffin.
319
00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:13,700
[upbeat music]
320
00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:16,503
- Guys, give it up
for Sean Hayes, huh?
321
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:20,840
Doing a great job.
Uh, Sean, you know what?
322
00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:22,809
I'm not gonna stand up here
and run a bunch
323
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:25,278
of hacky gay jokes
into the ground, all right?
324
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,547
I'm not "Will & Grace."
325
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:30,850
[laughter]
326
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:35,355
Larry Bird is here.
I mean Nikki Glaser is here.
327
00:17:35,421 --> 00:17:37,757
- That hurts, Blake.
That hurts.
328
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:40,860
[cheers and applause]
329
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,364
- Uh, you know,
the only difference
330
00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,065
between Larry Bird
and Nikki Glaser
331
00:17:46,132 --> 00:17:49,569
is Larry could actually
pass as 33.
332
00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:51,805
[audience groaning]
333
00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:54,574
- Devastating!
334
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:56,376
- I'm sorry.
You were so nice earlier.
335
00:17:56,442 --> 00:17:57,377
I--
336
00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:59,112
[laughter]
337
00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:02,415
I just--yeah.
338
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:05,451
Nikki, look at you.
339
00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:07,687
You damaged little climber.
340
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:10,456
[laughter]
341
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,292
You know,
Nikki was the only girl
342
00:18:12,358 --> 00:18:15,061
kicked off Jeffery Epstein's
island for networking.
343
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,363
[laughter]
344
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:21,634
Adam Carolla is here.
345
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:23,937
[cheers and applause]
346
00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:26,573
You know, Adam looks like
the kind of guy
347
00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:28,975
who calls black athletes
"thoroughbreds."
348
00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:31,878
[audience groaning]
349
00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:37,484
- Caroline Rhea from "Sabrina"
is here, give it up.
350
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:41,020
Give it up.
351
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:43,523
Caroline, if you're here,
that means Salem the cat
352
00:18:43,590 --> 00:18:45,091
must have
turned this down, huh?
353
00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:48,127
[laughter]
354
00:18:48,194 --> 00:18:50,029
Sorry, Mr. De Niro,
we know how much
355
00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:51,664
you love that black pussy.
356
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:54,434
[audience clamoring]
357
00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:05,478
Nice to meet you, by the way.
358
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:07,213
[laughter]
359
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,883
Big fan.
360
00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:12,218
Chris Redd looks like
a police sketch
361
00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:14,621
of someone doing blackface.
362
00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:21,427
You look like Nephew Jemima.
363
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,530
- Oh, shit!
364
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:24,864
Don't talk about
my auntie like that.
365
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,466
- Dude, dude, dude.
366
00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:29,569
- Why do you always look like
you just got your braces off?
367
00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:37,644
Speaking of Chris Redd,
Caitlyn Jenner is here.
368
00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:41,748
Uh, uh--I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
369
00:19:41,815 --> 00:19:45,218
Like Caitlyn, my transitions
are really awkward.
370
00:19:47,754 --> 00:19:51,324
Caitlyn completed her gender
reassignment in 2017,
371
00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:53,893
finally confirming
that no one in that family
372
00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:55,762
wants a white dick.
373
00:19:55,829 --> 00:19:58,798
[audience clamoring]
374
00:20:04,504 --> 00:20:06,039
Oh.
375
00:20:13,947 --> 00:20:16,149
- Oh.
376
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:18,651
- Thought she was coming
after me there for a second.
377
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:26,292
Caitlyn's pussy is so young...
378
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,795
- How young is it?
379
00:20:28,862 --> 00:20:31,965
- Alec just called it a rude,
thoughtless little pig.
380
00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:39,172
Look, look, for real,
I know we're all here
381
00:20:39,239 --> 00:20:40,640
making fun of Caitlyn,
but honestly,
382
00:20:40,707 --> 00:20:43,009
I want to take this moment
to publicly thank you.
383
00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:46,579
As an athlete, I want to
thank you for your bravery.
384
00:20:46,646 --> 00:20:50,917
As a human, I want to thank you
for the doors you've opened.
385
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:53,720
And on behalf of the entire NBA
386
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:57,891
and half of the rappers
on the "Billboard" charts,
387
00:20:58,024 --> 00:20:59,792
I want to thank you
for giving your daughters
388
00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:01,661
their daddy issues.
389
00:21:01,728 --> 00:21:03,830
[cheers and applause]
390
00:21:16,042 --> 00:21:20,547
And now the man of the hour,
Mr. Alec Baldwin.
391
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:23,116
Give it up.
392
00:21:23,183 --> 00:21:25,118
Alec, I can tell
you're from New York
393
00:21:25,185 --> 00:21:26,352
because just like the Knicks,
you've somehow
394
00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:28,321
gotten worse every year
since the 90s.
395
00:21:32,492 --> 00:21:34,928
You know, Alec kind of looks
like a team owner
396
00:21:35,061 --> 00:21:38,264
that saves money by massaging
the players himself.
397
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:44,804
And I played for
Donald Sterling, so...
398
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:48,575
You might think Alec's
had an easy life,
399
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:50,343
but he's had hardships.
400
00:21:50,410 --> 00:21:54,447
He once had someone
take his parking spot.
401
00:21:54,514 --> 00:21:56,115
Another time,
a flight attendant
402
00:21:56,182 --> 00:22:00,186
asked him to turn
his phone off before takeoff.
403
00:22:00,253 --> 00:22:02,121
And according
to Alec's reactions,
404
00:22:02,188 --> 00:22:05,358
those are the two worst things
to ever happen to him.
405
00:22:05,425 --> 00:22:08,328
[cheers and applause]
406
00:22:08,394 --> 00:22:11,231
In the NBA, we have a term
for people like you.
407
00:22:11,297 --> 00:22:14,367
It's a bad teammate.
408
00:22:14,434 --> 00:22:17,570
Like, you were in
"Glengarry Glen Ross"
409
00:22:17,637 --> 00:22:19,739
with Kevin Spacey
and you couldn't even tell him
410
00:22:19,806 --> 00:22:22,942
that ABC doesn't mean
"always blow children"?
411
00:22:23,042 --> 00:22:25,512
[audience clamoring]
412
00:22:31,251 --> 00:22:33,052
I would have told him.
413
00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:35,155
Uh, but you know what,
I'm happy I'm here tonight
414
00:22:35,221 --> 00:22:37,257
because tonight
I learned you're a family man,
415
00:22:37,323 --> 00:22:39,993
you give to charity,
and you're a big enough man
416
00:22:39,993 --> 00:22:41,995
to sit up here
and let us roast you.
417
00:22:42,061 --> 00:22:45,131
You truly are a kind,
thoughtful little pig.
418
00:22:45,198 --> 00:22:47,233
[cheers and applause]
419
00:22:47,300 --> 00:22:50,036
[upbeat music]
420
00:22:50,103 --> 00:22:54,374
- Coming up, Caitlyn Jenner
and Caroline Rhea.
421
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,010
- Dude, it's about to happen.
This shit's gonna get real.
422
00:22:58,745 --> 00:23:01,782
[upbeat music]
423
00:23:01,848 --> 00:23:05,352
- Our next roaster
is Caroline Rhea.
424
00:23:05,419 --> 00:23:06,853
Yes.
425
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:08,422
[cheers and applause]
426
00:23:08,488 --> 00:23:11,858
Remember the hot aunt from
"Sabrina the Teenage Witch"?
427
00:23:13,894 --> 00:23:17,230
We got the other one.
428
00:23:17,297 --> 00:23:19,266
She's had a pretty tough year,
429
00:23:19,332 --> 00:23:21,968
what with all
the Dress Barns closing.
430
00:23:22,035 --> 00:23:24,671
[laughter]
431
00:23:24,738 --> 00:23:26,273
But she just flew in
on the world's
432
00:23:26,339 --> 00:23:29,075
strongest broomstick,
Caroline Rhea.
433
00:23:29,142 --> 00:23:32,779
[upbeat music]
434
00:23:36,716 --> 00:23:39,753
- Oh, yes.
435
00:23:39,820 --> 00:23:41,588
I know what you're thinking.
It's Amy Schumer
436
00:23:41,655 --> 00:23:43,890
with the old-age face app.
437
00:23:53,834 --> 00:23:55,368
Sean Hayes is going
to be hard to top,
438
00:23:55,435 --> 00:23:57,971
but plenty of men
have managed to do it.
439
00:24:00,674 --> 00:24:03,043
Alec, where are
your brothers tonight?
440
00:24:03,110 --> 00:24:05,145
God knows they're not working.
441
00:24:10,851 --> 00:24:13,386
Let's face it.
No one wants to be here.
442
00:24:13,453 --> 00:24:14,988
The person who went
to the greatest lengths
443
00:24:14,988 --> 00:24:18,091
to not show up tonight
was Bruce Jenner.
444
00:24:21,361 --> 00:24:23,530
- Yay.
445
00:24:23,597 --> 00:24:25,999
- Caitlyn Jenner, proof that
older women in Hollywood
446
00:24:26,032 --> 00:24:27,868
get fewer parts.
447
00:24:32,172 --> 00:24:34,007
You transitioned in your 60s.
448
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,877
Way to get in
on the glory years, yeah.
449
00:24:39,312 --> 00:24:44,017
And out of the glory holes.
Um...
450
00:24:44,050 --> 00:24:46,219
I actually respect
that you fully transitioned
451
00:24:46,286 --> 00:24:49,022
instead of stopping halfway
like Sean Hayes.
452
00:24:49,055 --> 00:24:52,759
[laughter]
453
00:24:52,826 --> 00:24:56,663
Dr. Ken Jeong is here, yes.
454
00:24:56,730 --> 00:24:58,565
That's right,
Ken is a licensed doctor
455
00:24:58,632 --> 00:25:00,767
who went through years
and years of higher education
456
00:25:00,834 --> 00:25:02,402
and yet still thought
the Unicorn
457
00:25:02,469 --> 00:25:04,971
on "The Masked Singer"
was Beyoncé.
458
00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,075
Yeah.
459
00:25:09,142 --> 00:25:10,444
So likely.
460
00:25:10,510 --> 00:25:12,379
Was it an online
medical degree?
461
00:25:12,446 --> 00:25:14,414
Oh.
462
00:25:14,481 --> 00:25:16,616
Did you become a doctor so you
could find your own penis
463
00:25:16,683 --> 00:25:18,452
because God knows no one else
was looking for it?
464
00:25:18,518 --> 00:25:21,888
No.
Oh.
465
00:25:21,988 --> 00:25:25,992
Speaking of shrimp, I saw your
special on Netflix and, um,
466
00:25:26,059 --> 00:25:28,395
did not know
they filmed open mics.
467
00:25:28,462 --> 00:25:30,831
So.
Whoa!
468
00:25:35,802 --> 00:25:38,338
Jeff Ross, you are a staple
on the roasting circuit
469
00:25:38,405 --> 00:25:41,007
and a predator
at high school dances.
470
00:25:43,643 --> 00:25:45,846
Jeff, you are
one fat Jewish man.
471
00:25:45,912 --> 00:25:47,180
I feel like you really took
472
00:25:47,247 --> 00:25:49,850
"let my people go"
out of context.
473
00:25:56,823 --> 00:25:59,693
Nikki Glaser, it has been
driving me crazy all night.
474
00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:03,263
Which 1970s male Olympian
did you used to be?
475
00:26:12,973 --> 00:26:15,342
Nikki, you were an inspiration
on "Dancing with the Stars."
476
00:26:15,408 --> 00:26:17,644
I had no idea you were deaf.
477
00:26:25,185 --> 00:26:26,653
On your TV show,
you asked your parents
478
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:28,321
if they had ever done anal.
479
00:26:28,388 --> 00:26:30,323
And of course, they said,
"After Nikki was born,
480
00:26:30,390 --> 00:26:32,225
we only did anal."
481
00:26:39,232 --> 00:26:41,201
Chris Redd is here,
which I can only assume
482
00:26:41,268 --> 00:26:43,170
has something to do
with Make-A-Wish.
483
00:26:49,643 --> 00:26:51,278
What can you say about
Adam Carolla
484
00:26:51,344 --> 00:26:53,547
that he won't tell you
in an insufferable tirade
485
00:26:53,613 --> 00:26:55,449
he's trapped you in?
486
00:26:58,318 --> 00:27:00,353
Robert De Niro.
487
00:27:00,420 --> 00:27:03,824
[cheers and applause]
488
00:27:03,957 --> 00:27:06,793
You have a big movie coming out
with Al Pacino and Joe Pesci.
489
00:27:06,860 --> 00:27:08,261
It's three and a half
hours long.
490
00:27:08,328 --> 00:27:10,664
Is it just about you guys
trying to pee?
491
00:27:19,973 --> 00:27:22,175
Alec and I have known
each other for 25 years.
492
00:27:22,242 --> 00:27:24,444
One time, when I was doing
"Sabrina the Teenage Witch"
493
00:27:24,511 --> 00:27:27,581
and he was doing Hilaria,
the teenage yoga instructor.
494
00:27:27,647 --> 00:27:29,983
[laughter]
495
00:27:36,456 --> 00:27:38,291
Your wife, Hilaria,
is in great shape,
496
00:27:38,358 --> 00:27:39,659
but who wouldn't be
after pushing around
497
00:27:39,726 --> 00:27:42,863
a 200-pound baby all day?
498
00:27:42,996 --> 00:27:45,365
She's the boss, baby!
499
00:27:49,402 --> 00:27:52,305
Alec Baldwin was a busboy
at Studio 54,
500
00:27:52,372 --> 00:27:56,176
which means he had to clean up
jizz and coke every night,
501
00:27:56,243 --> 00:27:57,811
which is exactly
what Nikki Glaser
502
00:27:57,944 --> 00:27:59,513
looks for in a shampoo.
503
00:28:07,454 --> 00:28:12,292
Oh, Alec, you're the only
fat vegetarian I know.
504
00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:14,361
Alec is also an
animal rights activist.
505
00:28:14,428 --> 00:28:16,263
He was instrumental
in closing down
506
00:28:16,329 --> 00:28:17,964
the Ringling Brothers Circus.
507
00:28:18,031 --> 00:28:19,232
[cheers and applause]
508
00:28:19,299 --> 00:28:21,468
It's true.
509
00:28:21,535 --> 00:28:22,669
The animals were fine,
510
00:28:22,736 --> 00:28:24,337
but three clowns
lost their jobs.
511
00:28:24,404 --> 00:28:26,406
Steven, Billy, and Daniel.
512
00:28:29,409 --> 00:28:31,278
Honestly, Alec, it's an honor
to be here for you tonight.
513
00:28:31,344 --> 00:28:32,646
It's an honor
to be your friend.
514
00:28:32,712 --> 00:28:34,281
I love you like a brother.
Like a real brother.
515
00:28:34,347 --> 00:28:35,649
Thank you.
516
00:28:35,715 --> 00:28:36,650
[cheers and applause]
517
00:28:36,716 --> 00:28:38,151
[upbeat music]
518
00:28:38,218 --> 00:28:42,322
- That was fucking funny.
Thank you, that was great.
519
00:28:42,389 --> 00:28:44,724
Still to come,
Ireland Baldwin...
520
00:28:44,791 --> 00:28:48,462
- My precious little buttercup.
- And Chris Redd.
521
00:28:48,528 --> 00:28:51,298
- Alec, you don't even know
what's coming, man.
522
00:28:51,364 --> 00:28:52,899
Thank you for
having me on here,
523
00:28:52,999 --> 00:28:54,568
and now, I'ma get in that ass.
524
00:28:55,178 --> 00:29:00,350
[upbeat music]
525
00:29:01,383 --> 00:29:04,053
- Oh, my God.
526
00:29:04,119 --> 00:29:05,688
Comedy Central has brought us
527
00:29:05,754 --> 00:29:08,023
some amazing young
black talent over the years.
528
00:29:08,090 --> 00:29:10,659
Dave Chappelle, Key and Peele,
Trevor Noah.
529
00:29:10,726 --> 00:29:13,195
But we're ending that tradition
now with Chris Redd.
530
00:29:13,262 --> 00:29:15,564
[laughter]
531
00:29:15,631 --> 00:29:17,266
He's been on "SNL"
for a few years,
532
00:29:17,333 --> 00:29:19,168
but he's making his
television debut tonight.
533
00:29:19,235 --> 00:29:21,103
Chris Redd.
534
00:29:21,170 --> 00:29:26,609
[upbeat music]
535
00:29:26,675 --> 00:29:29,311
- Yeah.
536
00:29:29,378 --> 00:29:31,213
Yeah.
537
00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:34,116
Give it up for Sean "hazed a
lot in high school," everybody.
538
00:29:34,183 --> 00:29:36,285
Ain't he the gayest?
539
00:29:36,352 --> 00:29:38,420
Now, I am the least-known
person on this dais
540
00:29:38,487 --> 00:29:40,189
and some people are like,
"Who the hell are you?"
541
00:29:40,256 --> 00:29:41,657
And I'm gonna tell you
who I am.
542
00:29:41,724 --> 00:29:44,126
I'm the only person
in 44 seasons of "SNL"
543
00:29:44,193 --> 00:29:46,729
to actually show up
for Alec Baldwin ass.
544
00:29:52,301 --> 00:29:55,704
And for the last time, Alec,
man, I am not Michael Che.
545
00:29:55,771 --> 00:29:58,040
[...], stop calling me that.
546
00:30:00,342 --> 00:30:03,646
Blake, you've got
the dumbest face.
547
00:30:03,712 --> 00:30:06,382
You look like a rhinoceros
looking for his own horn.
548
00:30:06,448 --> 00:30:09,451
Where is that?
Up there, down there?
549
00:30:09,518 --> 00:30:13,489
Little two-eyed cyclops.
I don't like it.
550
00:30:13,556 --> 00:30:15,658
Blake, you look like
nine different races
551
00:30:15,724 --> 00:30:17,059
all working together
to make sure
552
00:30:17,092 --> 00:30:19,128
you never win a championship.
553
00:30:19,195 --> 00:30:22,164
[laughter]
554
00:30:22,231 --> 00:30:25,067
Hey, Caitlyn.
555
00:30:25,134 --> 00:30:26,468
You goddamn hypocrite.
556
00:30:26,535 --> 00:30:28,070
You're, like,
against gay marriage.
557
00:30:28,070 --> 00:30:29,438
You voted for Trump.
558
00:30:29,505 --> 00:30:31,473
You're like the Auntie Tom
of the trans community.
559
00:30:34,610 --> 00:30:36,679
I mean, okay.
560
00:30:40,349 --> 00:30:42,184
I mean, you did open the door
for trans people.
561
00:30:42,251 --> 00:30:44,253
But then you ran in
and slammed that shit shut
562
00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:45,855
behind your flat ass.
563
00:30:45,921 --> 00:30:48,157
[cheers and applause]
564
00:30:50,793 --> 00:30:53,429
I like these jokes.
565
00:30:53,496 --> 00:30:56,332
Caroline looks like she leaves
her baby in a hot car
566
00:30:56,398 --> 00:30:58,467
to meet firemen.
567
00:31:01,036 --> 00:31:03,138
Look at you over there.
568
00:31:03,205 --> 00:31:05,341
Looking like Caitlyn Jenner
got a sex change
569
00:31:05,407 --> 00:31:08,377
at a Build-A-Bear workshop.
570
00:31:08,444 --> 00:31:12,882
Very progressive store.
Very progressive.
571
00:31:14,850 --> 00:31:16,819
Jeff Ross looks like
Caitlyn's old dick
572
00:31:16,886 --> 00:31:18,354
coming back to haunt her.
573
00:31:24,894 --> 00:31:26,762
But at least it
put a suit on, baby.
574
00:31:26,829 --> 00:31:29,098
That's nice.
575
00:31:29,165 --> 00:31:30,900
Adam Carolla's here.
576
00:31:30,966 --> 00:31:32,501
Adam really tells it like it is
577
00:31:32,568 --> 00:31:35,237
if you're also an insecure
white supremacist.
578
00:31:35,304 --> 00:31:38,207
[cheers and applause]
579
00:31:38,274 --> 00:31:39,942
I saw you on
"Dancing with the Stars," girl.
580
00:31:40,075 --> 00:31:43,512
You got two left hooves,
don't you?
581
00:31:43,579 --> 00:31:46,081
Watching Nikki salsa dance
was the worst thing
582
00:31:46,081 --> 00:31:47,817
a white person has done
to Puerto Ricans
583
00:31:47,883 --> 00:31:50,686
since Trump
threw paper towels at them.
584
00:31:58,627 --> 00:32:00,429
Robert De Niro, baby!
585
00:32:00,496 --> 00:32:03,866
It's an honor to be up here
with you, man.
586
00:32:03,933 --> 00:32:06,836
And to follow up on our
conversation backstage,
587
00:32:06,902 --> 00:32:08,037
no, I have not
been on your lawn.
588
00:32:08,070 --> 00:32:10,239
I don't know where you live.
589
00:32:10,306 --> 00:32:12,308
But I do know your ex-wife
owns that house now.
590
00:32:12,374 --> 00:32:14,577
You know what I mean?
591
00:32:14,643 --> 00:32:16,579
Once you go black,
you never go back.
592
00:32:16,645 --> 00:32:18,080
But you go broke.
Right, Bobby?
593
00:32:18,147 --> 00:32:20,583
Yeah?
Yeah?
594
00:32:20,649 --> 00:32:22,785
You old, you old,
you old, you old.
595
00:32:22,852 --> 00:32:25,354
It's okay.
596
00:32:25,421 --> 00:32:28,224
Robert, man, you've given us
so many amazing performances.
597
00:32:28,290 --> 00:32:29,692
"Goodfellas," "Awakenings."
598
00:32:29,758 --> 00:32:32,428
But tonight, man,
it's gonna be the best one yet.
599
00:32:32,495 --> 00:32:34,063
It's gonna be
the old Italian man
600
00:32:34,063 --> 00:32:35,598
trying to figure out
trans pronouns
601
00:32:35,664 --> 00:32:37,766
in front of a live
studio audience.
602
00:32:44,473 --> 00:32:46,375
Speaking of people
that cut my screen time
603
00:32:46,442 --> 00:32:47,543
every Saturday night,
604
00:32:47,610 --> 00:32:50,246
Alec motherfucking Baldwin,
baby.
605
00:32:50,312 --> 00:32:51,814
[cheers and applause]
606
00:32:51,881 --> 00:32:54,884
Please give it up right now
for this Emmy-winning,
607
00:32:55,017 --> 00:32:59,655
bread-faced river pig.
Give it up.
608
00:32:59,722 --> 00:33:01,790
- What?
609
00:33:01,857 --> 00:33:04,426
- Honestly, Alec, we got a lot
in common, man, you know?
610
00:33:04,493 --> 00:33:06,495
We both work on "SNL."
611
00:33:06,562 --> 00:33:09,665
We both fuck women my age.
612
00:33:09,732 --> 00:33:11,467
And we both
have to check Instagram
613
00:33:11,534 --> 00:33:13,402
to see what
your daughter's up to.
614
00:33:16,238 --> 00:33:17,706
I'm just--
615
00:33:17,773 --> 00:33:20,309
I'm just trying to be the first
black man in Ireland.
616
00:33:20,376 --> 00:33:22,044
You know what I'm talking about?
You know what I'm talking about?
617
00:33:22,044 --> 00:33:23,512
You know what I'm talking about.
You know what I'm talking about.
618
00:33:23,579 --> 00:33:25,047
You know what
I'm talking about.
619
00:33:25,047 --> 00:33:27,249
She know what
I'm talking about.
620
00:33:27,316 --> 00:33:30,052
I'm just playing.
I'm not the first, but...
621
00:33:32,688 --> 00:33:34,190
Alec once said
black people love him
622
00:33:34,256 --> 00:33:35,925
because he plays
Trump on "SNL,"
623
00:33:36,058 --> 00:33:38,160
and that is not why
we like you, Alec.
624
00:33:38,227 --> 00:33:39,428
We like you because you have
625
00:33:39,495 --> 00:33:41,096
the same eye color
and temperament
626
00:33:41,163 --> 00:33:43,766
of every pit bull that we've
loved and had to put down.
627
00:33:45,701 --> 00:33:47,903
I miss you, Tiki.
628
00:33:47,970 --> 00:33:51,173
She used to bark at kids too,
you know?
629
00:33:52,775 --> 00:33:55,144
But honestly, Alec, man,
I admire you, dog.
630
00:33:55,211 --> 00:33:57,146
You've punched paparazzi,
you've yelled at cops,
631
00:33:57,213 --> 00:33:59,014
and you've lived
to tell about it.
632
00:33:59,048 --> 00:34:01,016
And you had me here
on this roast.
633
00:34:01,016 --> 00:34:02,852
That means a whole lot
to me, man.
634
00:34:02,918 --> 00:34:04,320
You my nigga, Alec.
635
00:34:04,386 --> 00:34:07,857
Don't say it back, though.
Do not say it back.
636
00:34:07,923 --> 00:34:09,725
[upbeat music]
637
00:34:09,792 --> 00:34:11,594
- You're fucking funny, man.
638
00:34:11,660 --> 00:34:13,195
You killed it.
639
00:34:15,397 --> 00:34:17,466
Still to come, Ken Jeong...
640
00:34:17,533 --> 00:34:19,101
- You're gonna crush it.
- Fuck you.
641
00:34:19,168 --> 00:34:20,603
Oh, you said something nice.
642
00:34:20,669 --> 00:34:23,305
- And Caitlyn Jenner.
- I'm coming for you.
643
00:34:25,107 --> 00:34:28,744
[upbeat music]
644
00:34:28,811 --> 00:34:30,479
- Welcome back
to the Comedy Central Roast
645
00:34:30,546 --> 00:34:31,513
of Alec Baldwin.
646
00:34:31,580 --> 00:34:33,849
Tonight I'm happy to announce
647
00:34:33,916 --> 00:34:36,051
Alec Baldwin and Comedy Central
have joined
648
00:34:36,118 --> 00:34:38,554
to donate $1 million
to a wonderful charity
649
00:34:38,620 --> 00:34:40,189
called Exploring the Arts.
650
00:34:40,255 --> 00:34:43,125
[cheers and applause]
651
00:34:43,192 --> 00:34:45,194
They're great.
652
00:34:45,260 --> 00:34:47,696
Exploring the Arts is
an arts education nonprofit
653
00:34:47,763 --> 00:34:49,665
founded by the one
and only Tony Bennett
654
00:34:49,731 --> 00:34:51,967
and his wife, Susan Benedetto.
655
00:34:52,034 --> 00:34:54,269
Yes, amazing.
656
00:34:54,336 --> 00:34:58,474
And a good friend of Tony's
has something to say to Alec.
657
00:34:58,540 --> 00:35:01,410
- Hey, everybody.
It's LG here.
658
00:35:01,477 --> 00:35:03,612
I hope you don't mind
me interrupting
659
00:35:03,679 --> 00:35:06,782
the little lovefest
you've got going on
660
00:35:06,849 --> 00:35:10,185
to let you know how happy
my pal Tony Bennett
661
00:35:10,252 --> 00:35:15,357
and I are that something good
is coming out of all of this.
662
00:35:15,424 --> 00:35:17,359
With all the arts funding
being cut
663
00:35:17,426 --> 00:35:20,863
out of public schools,
Tony Bennett and his wife
664
00:35:20,929 --> 00:35:24,500
founded Exploring the Arts
in order to make a difference
665
00:35:24,566 --> 00:35:26,368
by supporting
public high schools
666
00:35:26,435 --> 00:35:29,505
and their students
to enhance their education
667
00:35:29,571 --> 00:35:33,208
with extensive exposure
to all of the creative arts.
668
00:35:33,275 --> 00:35:35,644
Because where would we be
without art?
669
00:35:35,711 --> 00:35:39,114
So, Alec, as they continue
to destroy you tonight,
670
00:35:39,181 --> 00:35:41,750
just remember
that it's all for a cause
671
00:35:41,817 --> 00:35:44,119
near and dear to our hearts.
672
00:35:44,186 --> 00:35:49,525
Love all of you very much.
Have a good night being mean.
673
00:35:49,591 --> 00:35:51,026
[cheers and applause]
674
00:35:51,093 --> 00:35:53,529
- Well, she's not Lady Haha.
675
00:35:58,433 --> 00:36:03,038
Our next roaster is
Caitlyn Jenner, LGBTQ icon.
676
00:36:03,105 --> 00:36:06,442
[cheers and applause]
677
00:36:06,508 --> 00:36:07,743
Her daughter Kylie
678
00:36:07,810 --> 00:36:09,645
sold a billion dollars
worth of makeup,
679
00:36:09,711 --> 00:36:12,381
and she's here
wearing all of it tonight.
680
00:36:15,284 --> 00:36:17,186
Give her a big hand even though
she already has two of them.
681
00:36:17,252 --> 00:36:18,954
Caitlyn Jenner.
682
00:36:19,054 --> 00:36:25,994
[upbeat music]
683
00:36:26,028 --> 00:36:29,164
- Oh, oh.
That was funny.
684
00:36:29,231 --> 00:36:32,301
[people cheering]
685
00:36:32,367 --> 00:36:35,437
Take a good look, kids.
686
00:36:35,504 --> 00:36:37,272
This is what happens
687
00:36:37,339 --> 00:36:40,409
when you eat your Wheaties
every morning.
688
00:36:40,476 --> 00:36:42,644
[laughter]
689
00:36:47,015 --> 00:36:50,385
Sean, you're doing a great job.
690
00:36:50,452 --> 00:36:52,921
The only thing working harder
than you right now
691
00:36:53,021 --> 00:36:55,090
are my Spanx, baby.
692
00:36:55,157 --> 00:36:57,326
[laughter]
693
00:36:57,392 --> 00:36:59,828
All of you are making these
silly comments and jokes
694
00:36:59,895 --> 00:37:01,830
about how I kind of...
695
00:37:01,897 --> 00:37:04,032
cut it off.
696
00:37:04,099 --> 00:37:05,801
Let me remind you.
697
00:37:05,868 --> 00:37:08,470
It made Kylie Jenner,
698
00:37:08,537 --> 00:37:11,340
the youngest self-made
billionaire in history.
699
00:37:11,406 --> 00:37:13,876
[cheers and applause]
700
00:37:15,377 --> 00:37:17,579
It made Kendall Jenner,
701
00:37:17,646 --> 00:37:22,084
the highest-paid model
in the world.
702
00:37:22,151 --> 00:37:24,887
I raised ten children.
703
00:37:24,987 --> 00:37:29,691
I currently--well, I'm coming
up on 20 grandchildren.
704
00:37:29,758 --> 00:37:34,229
I didn't cut it off.
I just retired it.
705
00:37:34,296 --> 00:37:35,631
It was done!
706
00:37:41,470 --> 00:37:43,605
You know, as I look
back and forth,
707
00:37:43,672 --> 00:37:46,341
I'm not the only one up here
who's transitioned.
708
00:37:46,408 --> 00:37:48,343
I used to be Bruce Jenner,
709
00:37:48,410 --> 00:37:55,017
and Robert De Niro used to be
Robert fucking De Niro!
710
00:37:57,719 --> 00:38:01,156
You call yourself
an actor, Robert.
711
00:38:01,223 --> 00:38:06,361
For 60 years, I had everybody
convinced I was a man.
712
00:38:06,428 --> 00:38:09,331
Now, that's acting.
713
00:38:17,139 --> 00:38:23,378
Ken Jeong, is it true
your wife is named Tran Ho?
714
00:38:24,413 --> 00:38:26,048
Oh, I want to meet her!
715
00:38:26,115 --> 00:38:28,484
I mean, I'm waiting.
I can't wait.
716
00:38:30,219 --> 00:38:33,122
I'll also want to say hello
to Kendall's ex.
717
00:38:33,188 --> 00:38:34,990
You don't even
have to say his name.
718
00:38:34,990 --> 00:38:36,325
It's just Kendall's ex.
719
00:38:36,391 --> 00:38:38,794
Anyway, Blake Griffin, Blake.
720
00:38:40,429 --> 00:38:44,199
Los Angeles to Detroit.
721
00:38:44,266 --> 00:38:45,467
Let me tell you,
I can tell you
722
00:38:45,534 --> 00:38:48,237
a thing or two
about switching teams.
723
00:38:50,339 --> 00:38:53,008
Yeah, you're a nice boy,
and although it didn't work out
724
00:38:53,041 --> 00:38:55,277
between the two of you,
you're always kind of welcome
725
00:38:55,344 --> 00:38:57,579
to come over to my home
726
00:38:57,646 --> 00:38:58,847
and know that you're
the second-best
727
00:38:58,914 --> 00:39:00,716
athlete in the house.
728
00:39:10,025 --> 00:39:12,928
Look, there's a lot of hate
in the world,
729
00:39:13,028 --> 00:39:15,931
but we can still
laugh at ourselves.
730
00:39:16,031 --> 00:39:18,367
And honestly,
that's why I'm here tonight.
731
00:39:18,433 --> 00:39:23,205
I've seen it all.
I've even gotten threats.
732
00:39:23,272 --> 00:39:26,208
And I want other members
of the trans community to know
733
00:39:26,275 --> 00:39:30,579
that if I'm strong enough
to sit up here
734
00:39:30,646 --> 00:39:35,284
and be ridiculed all night
that you can handle anything.
735
00:39:35,350 --> 00:39:38,821
[cheers and applause]
736
00:39:43,358 --> 00:39:47,429
Except listening
to Adam Carolla's podcast.
737
00:39:47,496 --> 00:39:51,200
Oh, my God.
That's torture.
738
00:39:55,370 --> 00:39:57,439
Adam Carolla is so boring.
739
00:39:57,506 --> 00:40:01,076
I've never seen
a drier pussy in my life.
740
00:40:03,011 --> 00:40:05,848
And that's coming from me!
741
00:40:07,282 --> 00:40:09,818
You see, Adam?
742
00:40:09,885 --> 00:40:12,087
Women are funny.
743
00:40:18,727 --> 00:40:23,031
What can I say?
I'm here because I love Alec.
744
00:40:23,031 --> 00:40:25,634
Yes, actually,
745
00:40:25,701 --> 00:40:30,105
I've known Alec for a long time
and I consider him family.
746
00:40:30,172 --> 00:40:31,840
We go back.
When I was Bruce,
747
00:40:31,974 --> 00:40:33,475
we were like brothers.
748
00:40:33,542 --> 00:40:35,310
So, well, I guess
that's one more brother
749
00:40:35,377 --> 00:40:37,546
he'll never talk to again.
750
00:40:42,985 --> 00:40:44,753
To get serious
about this, look.
751
00:40:44,820 --> 00:40:48,690
Some of you hate me
just because I'm me.
752
00:40:48,757 --> 00:40:50,325
Some of you hate me because of
753
00:40:50,392 --> 00:40:52,528
the things I may
have said in the past.
754
00:40:52,594 --> 00:40:55,264
Well, hey, I'm not perfect.
755
00:40:55,330 --> 00:40:58,033
I'm a person trying
to figure out my life,
756
00:40:58,100 --> 00:41:00,302
just like everyone else.
757
00:41:00,369 --> 00:41:03,539
All I want is
for future generations
758
00:41:03,605 --> 00:41:06,175
of transgendered people to know
759
00:41:06,241 --> 00:41:10,112
that if I can find the courage
to be who I am,
760
00:41:10,179 --> 00:41:13,048
then you can too.
761
00:41:13,115 --> 00:41:14,716
[cheers and applause]
762
00:41:14,783 --> 00:41:16,485
If--
763
00:41:19,087 --> 00:41:22,524
If you have a problem
with that,
764
00:41:22,591 --> 00:41:25,194
then you can suck my dick.
765
00:41:25,260 --> 00:41:28,497
[cheers and applause]
766
00:41:28,564 --> 00:41:31,400
If you can find it!
767
00:41:32,501 --> 00:41:34,369
Thank you!
768
00:41:34,436 --> 00:41:36,672
[upbeat music]
769
00:41:36,738 --> 00:41:39,108
- Good stuff.
Good stuff.
770
00:41:40,442 --> 00:41:43,812
Coming up, Robert De Niro
and Ken Jeong.
771
00:41:43,879 --> 00:41:46,748
- We'll be slurring, drunk,
and racial slurs.
772
00:41:46,815 --> 00:41:49,284
[both singing]
Racial slurs!
773
00:41:51,053 --> 00:41:55,224
[upbeat music]
774
00:41:55,290 --> 00:41:57,993
- Welcome back to the Comedy
Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.
775
00:41:58,060 --> 00:41:59,828
They say laughter
is the best medicine,
776
00:41:59,895 --> 00:42:03,932
which explains why Dr. Ken
is no longer practicing.
777
00:42:03,999 --> 00:42:05,401
In his head, he's a doctor,
778
00:42:05,467 --> 00:42:07,369
but in his crotch,
he's a shrink.
779
00:42:07,436 --> 00:42:09,738
[laughter]
780
00:42:09,805 --> 00:42:11,340
Count backward from 100,
781
00:42:11,407 --> 00:42:14,676
and we'll wake you when this
painful procedure is over.
782
00:42:14,743 --> 00:42:17,780
Give it up for Hackie Chan,
Ken Jeong.
783
00:42:17,846 --> 00:42:18,947
[upbeat music]
784
00:42:19,014 --> 00:42:21,717
- [singing]
We about to blow
785
00:42:21,784 --> 00:42:23,185
We about to blow
786
00:42:23,252 --> 00:42:24,887
[cheers and applause]
787
00:42:24,953 --> 00:42:27,623
We about to blow
788
00:42:29,024 --> 00:42:31,693
- Thank you so much.
It is so great to be here.
789
00:42:31,760 --> 00:42:33,662
I'm on--I'm a judge
on "The Masked Singer,"
790
00:42:33,729 --> 00:42:35,798
so it's nice to be
on another show
791
00:42:35,864 --> 00:42:40,202
where you have to guess
who the celebrities are, so...
792
00:42:40,269 --> 00:42:42,638
Caitlyn Jenner.
Okay, oh, boy, strap it on.
793
00:42:42,704 --> 00:42:45,541
Um...
794
00:42:45,607 --> 00:42:48,544
I can see why Caitlyn
decided to transition.
795
00:42:48,610 --> 00:42:51,146
She's been a celebrity
craving privacy,
796
00:42:51,213 --> 00:42:55,350
so she became something that
society was destined to ignore:
797
00:42:55,417 --> 00:43:00,155
a 70-year-old woman.
Now...
798
00:43:00,222 --> 00:43:01,824
I'm kidding.
You look great.
799
00:43:01,957 --> 00:43:03,559
You look like the drummer
for White Snake.
800
00:43:03,625 --> 00:43:05,360
I don't know what--
801
00:43:05,427 --> 00:43:07,396
[laughs]
802
00:43:09,531 --> 00:43:12,868
Robert De Niro, one of our
generation's finest actors.
803
00:43:12,968 --> 00:43:15,971
But let's face it, your recent
movies have been so shitty,
804
00:43:15,971 --> 00:43:18,173
I'm surprised I'm not in them.
805
00:43:18,240 --> 00:43:20,409
Now...
806
00:43:20,476 --> 00:43:23,245
Blake Griffin,
a black guy who looks white
807
00:43:23,312 --> 00:43:24,813
with red hair and freckles.
808
00:43:24,880 --> 00:43:27,216
And by the way, congrats on
booking "The Little Mermaid."
809
00:43:27,282 --> 00:43:28,984
Now...
810
00:43:31,653 --> 00:43:34,189
I look at Blake
and I think, hmm.
811
00:43:34,256 --> 00:43:38,994
Orange is the new black.
Yeah.
812
00:43:41,363 --> 00:43:43,165
Yeah.
813
00:43:43,232 --> 00:43:46,268
Caroline Rhea.
814
00:43:46,335 --> 00:43:47,870
[laughter]
815
00:43:48,003 --> 00:43:49,938
You look like Adele.
816
00:43:49,938 --> 00:43:52,441
Computer.
Now...
817
00:43:52,508 --> 00:43:55,477
[laughter]
818
00:43:55,544 --> 00:43:57,646
Alec's wife is so young,
819
00:43:57,713 --> 00:44:00,082
he introduces them
as "23 and me."
820
00:44:00,149 --> 00:44:01,350
Now...
821
00:44:04,119 --> 00:44:06,422
Alec's daughter Ireland
is here.
822
00:44:06,488 --> 00:44:08,223
She might as well
be named Zimbabwe,
823
00:44:08,290 --> 00:44:09,725
given the distance
between them.
824
00:44:09,792 --> 00:44:10,859
Am I right?
825
00:44:14,696 --> 00:44:17,032
But we're really here
to celebrate the real star
826
00:44:17,099 --> 00:44:19,101
of "30 Rock" and "SNL,"
827
00:44:19,168 --> 00:44:22,137
but let's be honest,
Tina Fey said no.
828
00:44:23,839 --> 00:44:26,175
Alec, no offense, but you
weren't the star of "30 Rock."
829
00:44:26,241 --> 00:44:28,477
And with De Niro here,
you're not even the star
830
00:44:28,544 --> 00:44:29,812
of your own
fucking roast, you know?
831
00:44:29,878 --> 00:44:33,415
It's like--
and it's like, I'm sorry.
832
00:44:33,482 --> 00:44:34,650
You know what I mean?
833
00:44:34,716 --> 00:44:37,853
[cheers and applause]
834
00:44:37,986 --> 00:44:40,055
And, like, with Justin Bieber
as your nephew,
835
00:44:40,122 --> 00:44:41,724
you're not even the star
of your own fucking family.
836
00:44:41,790 --> 00:44:44,026
It's just like--
837
00:44:44,093 --> 00:44:45,194
It's sad--
838
00:44:45,260 --> 00:44:46,528
[mimicking Alec as Trump] Sad!
839
00:44:46,595 --> 00:44:47,629
Or whatever you do.
840
00:44:50,566 --> 00:44:52,735
Alec, in all seriousness,
I first met you
841
00:44:52,801 --> 00:44:55,771
at a Stand Up to Cancer benefit
a few years ago
842
00:44:55,838 --> 00:44:57,206
where you hosted it,
843
00:44:57,272 --> 00:44:59,308
and your compassion
and connection
844
00:44:59,374 --> 00:45:02,211
to every single cancer survivor
in the room
845
00:45:02,277 --> 00:45:04,012
still moves me to this day.
846
00:45:04,079 --> 00:45:05,948
And thank you for letting me
be a part of this.
847
00:45:05,981 --> 00:45:07,950
It's an honor.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
848
00:45:08,016 --> 00:45:10,185
Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
849
00:45:10,252 --> 00:45:11,453
Thank you.
850
00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:14,256
[cheers and applause]
851
00:45:19,628 --> 00:45:21,597
- This next roaster
is a surprise,
852
00:45:21,663 --> 00:45:25,367
and, Alec, you are in
for such a treat.
853
00:45:25,434 --> 00:45:28,971
Live, from your first marriage,
it's Ireland Baldwin.
854
00:45:28,971 --> 00:45:30,672
- Oh!
855
00:45:30,739 --> 00:45:36,478
[upbeat music]
856
00:45:36,545 --> 00:45:39,448
[cheers and applause]
857
00:45:45,421 --> 00:45:47,556
- Hi, Dad.
858
00:45:47,623 --> 00:45:49,191
I'm Ireland.
859
00:45:53,028 --> 00:45:54,730
It's good to be here.
860
00:45:54,797 --> 00:45:56,999
I almost didn't even know
about it because I haven't
861
00:45:57,066 --> 00:45:59,368
checked my voice mails
from my dad
862
00:45:59,435 --> 00:46:03,305
from the last, like,
12 years or something.
863
00:46:03,372 --> 00:46:06,008
I actually have a lot in common
with the people on this roast
864
00:46:06,075 --> 00:46:07,543
because like them,
I don't really
865
00:46:07,609 --> 00:46:08,944
know you that well either.
866
00:46:08,977 --> 00:46:11,213
[audience groaning]
867
00:46:11,280 --> 00:46:12,614
While a lot of people
know my dad
868
00:46:12,681 --> 00:46:15,084
as that guy from the
"Mission: Impossible" movies
869
00:46:15,150 --> 00:46:16,985
or that guy from "30 Rock,"
870
00:46:17,052 --> 00:46:19,521
I know him as that guy
from, like,
871
00:46:19,588 --> 00:46:21,957
half of my birthday parties.
872
00:46:23,792 --> 00:46:25,461
It was, like, half.
873
00:46:28,864 --> 00:46:30,499
By the way,
"Mission: Impossible"
874
00:46:30,566 --> 00:46:33,469
is what I call getting
my dad to apologize.
875
00:46:39,875 --> 00:46:41,643
A lot of people
only know my dad
876
00:46:41,710 --> 00:46:44,346
as an angry guy,
but he's more than some lunatic
877
00:46:44,413 --> 00:46:46,014
who loses his temper.
878
00:46:46,081 --> 00:46:49,485
He also loses Emmys and Oscars
879
00:46:49,551 --> 00:46:52,020
and custody of
his firstborn child.
880
00:46:52,087 --> 00:46:55,391
Am I right?
Shit.
881
00:46:58,527 --> 00:47:00,596
But listen, let me just
set the record straight.
882
00:47:00,662 --> 00:47:02,331
He was a great dad.
883
00:47:02,398 --> 00:47:04,400
I still remember
when he would tuck me in
884
00:47:04,466 --> 00:47:08,137
and yell me a bedtime story.
885
00:47:08,203 --> 00:47:10,773
My absolute favorite
and his favorite,
886
00:47:10,839 --> 00:47:13,609
"The Three
Little Thoughtless Pigs."
887
00:47:13,675 --> 00:47:15,444
[audience clamoring]
888
00:47:18,947 --> 00:47:21,850
Dad, your
"Always be closing" speech
889
00:47:21,950 --> 00:47:24,153
in "Glengarry Glen Ross"
was great.
890
00:47:24,219 --> 00:47:27,222
At least you taught someone
their ABCs, right?
891
00:47:29,324 --> 00:47:31,326
It hasn't been easy
being the daughter
892
00:47:31,393 --> 00:47:34,329
of an iconic movie star.
893
00:47:34,396 --> 00:47:36,765
But I'm not here to talk
about my mother.
894
00:47:36,832 --> 00:47:39,101
[cheers and applause]
895
00:47:48,277 --> 00:47:50,712
Or her Oscar.
896
00:47:53,248 --> 00:47:56,118
I'm here to talk to you,
Dad, finally,
897
00:47:56,185 --> 00:47:58,554
without a court-appointed
social worker.
898
00:47:58,620 --> 00:48:01,657
It's so nice
that we can do that.
899
00:48:01,724 --> 00:48:04,226
That's so sweet.
Um, it's okay.
900
00:48:04,293 --> 00:48:06,128
I turned out fine.
I've been modeling,
901
00:48:06,195 --> 00:48:07,362
which is a really fun gig.
902
00:48:07,429 --> 00:48:10,065
Honestly, it's just nice
for a Baldwin
903
00:48:10,132 --> 00:48:12,034
to be on a runway
without starting beef
904
00:48:12,101 --> 00:48:13,402
with American Airlines.
905
00:48:18,540 --> 00:48:20,776
I was so surprised--
906
00:48:25,147 --> 00:48:28,183
I was so surprised when I heard
about that plane incident.
907
00:48:28,250 --> 00:48:30,185
I mean, why would
you even start shit
908
00:48:30,252 --> 00:48:33,422
with the one place that's
still playing your movies?
909
00:48:42,598 --> 00:48:47,803
It's nice to see some new faces
and some older faces
910
00:48:47,870 --> 00:48:51,540
and some newly
reconstructed faces.
911
00:48:51,607 --> 00:48:53,475
A lot of people
don't know this--
912
00:48:53,542 --> 00:48:56,678
[laughter]
913
00:48:56,745 --> 00:48:59,648
A lot of people don't know
this, but when I was a kid,
914
00:48:59,715 --> 00:49:03,285
Caitlyn Jenner was my
middle school track coach.
915
00:49:03,352 --> 00:49:06,455
You taught me to jump over
the greatest hurdle of all,
916
00:49:06,522 --> 00:49:08,290
which is my father's approval.
917
00:49:08,357 --> 00:49:11,160
[laughter]
918
00:49:13,395 --> 00:49:14,730
Do you know what it's like
919
00:49:14,797 --> 00:49:17,399
having a gold medal athlete
as your track coach?
920
00:49:17,466 --> 00:49:19,101
Blake, you get it, right?
921
00:49:19,168 --> 00:49:20,536
You've disappointed a Jenner
922
00:49:20,602 --> 00:49:22,971
that's completely
out of your league.
923
00:49:27,076 --> 00:49:28,310
- Did he really
date your daughter?
924
00:49:28,377 --> 00:49:31,046
- Yeah.
- He did?
925
00:49:31,113 --> 00:49:32,214
- You should have married her.
926
00:49:32,281 --> 00:49:34,183
And now you're never
gonna get a ring.
927
00:49:34,249 --> 00:49:36,852
[audience groaning]
928
00:49:38,353 --> 00:49:40,522
It's good to be here,
but it would have been nice
929
00:49:40,589 --> 00:49:42,291
to have the whole family here.
930
00:49:42,357 --> 00:49:45,394
Unfortunately, Comedy Central
couldn't arrange for this roast
931
00:49:45,461 --> 00:49:48,097
to be held in 1997.
932
00:49:49,898 --> 00:49:51,934
Oh, wait,
and speaking of things
933
00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:55,404
that weren't held in 1997--
934
00:50:02,444 --> 00:50:04,313
But seriously, Dad,
I'm so proud of you.
935
00:50:04,379 --> 00:50:07,116
You're a wonderful father
and an amazing actor,
936
00:50:07,182 --> 00:50:10,919
and I'm thrilled to be here
to see you celebrated tonight.
937
00:50:10,953 --> 00:50:13,655
After all the years
of giving verbal abuse,
938
00:50:13,722 --> 00:50:16,492
it's finally time
you received some.
939
00:50:18,961 --> 00:50:20,362
Right?
940
00:50:20,429 --> 00:50:21,797
Shit.
941
00:50:23,932 --> 00:50:26,101
So before I leave, I'd just
like to say something
942
00:50:26,168 --> 00:50:27,603
you've never said to me.
943
00:50:27,669 --> 00:50:29,438
Good night.
944
00:50:29,505 --> 00:50:30,706
[laughter]
945
00:50:30,773 --> 00:50:31,840
[upbeat music]
946
00:50:31,940 --> 00:50:34,777
- Well done.
Well done.
947
00:50:34,843 --> 00:50:35,778
You did a good job, yeah.
948
00:50:35,844 --> 00:50:36,945
- Still to come...
949
00:50:37,012 --> 00:50:38,480
- You're very funny,
you little bitch.
950
00:50:38,547 --> 00:50:41,183
- Adam Carolla
and Robert De Niro.
951
00:50:41,250 --> 00:50:43,752
- Alec, I'm just sorry
I couldn't say
952
00:50:43,819 --> 00:50:45,254
what I really wanted to say.
953
00:50:45,320 --> 00:50:46,455
Fuck you.
954
00:50:47,217 --> 00:50:50,620
[electronic music]
955
00:50:50,687 --> 00:50:53,022
- Welcome back
to this bullshit.
956
00:50:55,425 --> 00:50:57,827
Our next roaster
is Adam Carolla.
957
00:50:57,894 --> 00:51:00,830
[cheers and applause]
958
00:51:00,897 --> 00:51:03,399
He's known for his massive
straight white teeth
959
00:51:03,466 --> 00:51:07,203
that dwarf his dwindling
straight white audience.
960
00:51:07,270 --> 00:51:10,673
He was on "The Man Show"
but was replaced by Joe Rogan.
961
00:51:10,740 --> 00:51:15,612
He had the number one podcast
but was replaced by Joe Rogan.
962
00:51:15,678 --> 00:51:19,816
But he's here tonight because
we couldn't get Joe Rogan.
963
00:51:19,883 --> 00:51:21,117
Adam Carolla.
964
00:51:21,184 --> 00:51:24,621
[rock music]
965
00:51:24,687 --> 00:51:27,724
[cheers and applause]
966
00:51:29,425 --> 00:51:32,095
- Oh, Sean Hayes, everybody.
967
00:51:32,162 --> 00:51:34,531
So funny.
968
00:51:34,597 --> 00:51:36,933
No, seriously, I love the gays.
969
00:51:37,000 --> 00:51:39,936
I've always kind of wondered
what it'd be like
970
00:51:40,003 --> 00:51:43,540
being blown by a guy,
and, um,
971
00:51:43,606 --> 00:51:47,911
I imagine it'd be a lot like
wearing Crocs.
972
00:51:48,044 --> 00:51:50,613
Sure, it feels great.
973
00:51:52,115 --> 00:51:54,050
Until you look down.
974
00:51:57,921 --> 00:52:00,423
Here's how fucked up
Hollywood is.
975
00:52:01,958 --> 00:52:04,594
Bruce Jenner announces
he's transitioning
976
00:52:04,661 --> 00:52:07,063
and everybody applauds it,
977
00:52:07,063 --> 00:52:09,833
but when they find out
he's a Republican,
978
00:52:09,899 --> 00:52:11,734
they're outraged.
979
00:52:14,871 --> 00:52:17,874
Cut your dick off, hero.
980
00:52:17,941 --> 00:52:20,577
Cut taxes, Hitler.
981
00:52:23,813 --> 00:52:25,915
You shouldn't be laughing
at that shit.
982
00:52:29,886 --> 00:52:31,688
Ken Jeong.
983
00:52:31,754 --> 00:52:36,392
Ken, we all saw your tiny dick
in "The Hangover."
984
00:52:36,459 --> 00:52:39,696
I haven't seen a dick
that small
985
00:52:39,762 --> 00:52:43,132
since I took my nephew
ice fishing.
986
00:52:49,172 --> 00:52:51,841
Let's move from small dicks
to big names.
987
00:52:51,908 --> 00:52:54,043
Robert De Niro is here.
988
00:52:54,110 --> 00:52:55,645
[cheers and applause]
989
00:52:55,712 --> 00:52:58,114
Alec Baldwin here.
990
00:52:58,181 --> 00:53:00,617
Both amazing actors,
991
00:53:00,683 --> 00:53:03,052
but if I learned one thing
992
00:53:03,052 --> 00:53:07,457
from all the
Harvey Weinstein stories,
993
00:53:07,524 --> 00:53:11,427
well, it's that pretty much
anyone can act.
994
00:53:11,494 --> 00:53:15,131
I mean, what other profession
works this way?
995
00:53:15,198 --> 00:53:18,234
You want to be a commercial
airline pilot?
996
00:53:18,301 --> 00:53:20,436
Hmm, let me think.
997
00:53:20,503 --> 00:53:23,873
Okay, just blow that fat Jew.
998
00:53:26,910 --> 00:53:29,078
We'll have you up
in the air by noon.
999
00:53:32,148 --> 00:53:34,184
This is your profession.
1000
00:53:34,250 --> 00:53:36,252
You wanna be a dental hygienist?
1001
00:53:36,319 --> 00:53:39,455
Watch that fat Jew beat off
into a ficus plant.
1002
00:53:39,522 --> 00:53:40,957
We'll have you.
1003
00:53:42,892 --> 00:53:45,695
Bob, I know you're going
through a tough divorce.
1004
00:53:47,030 --> 00:53:48,298
It's rough.
1005
00:53:48,364 --> 00:53:51,034
It's hard to meet ladies,
especially at your age.
1006
00:53:51,034 --> 00:53:54,470
I mean, might I suggest
the new dating app
1007
00:53:54,537 --> 00:53:56,906
for old fucks like yourself.
1008
00:53:57,040 --> 00:53:59,342
It's called carbon dating.
1009
00:54:02,946 --> 00:54:05,682
Don't worry.
Carbon is black.
1010
00:54:07,283 --> 00:54:10,053
Robert just dates the sisters.
1011
00:54:11,187 --> 00:54:14,224
[cheers and applause]
1012
00:54:21,064 --> 00:54:24,300
On to the man of the hour,
Alec Baldwin.
1013
00:54:24,367 --> 00:54:27,070
We all love Alec's impressions.
1014
00:54:27,136 --> 00:54:29,239
The impressions of Trump,
1015
00:54:29,305 --> 00:54:31,541
the impressions his ring leaves
1016
00:54:31,608 --> 00:54:34,444
on the foreheads
of photographers.
1017
00:54:37,380 --> 00:54:42,385
So many classic lines
over an amazing career.
1018
00:54:42,452 --> 00:54:44,754
"Coffee is for closers."
1019
00:54:44,821 --> 00:54:47,624
"You ask me
if I have God complex.
1020
00:54:47,690 --> 00:54:50,026
I am God."
1021
00:54:50,093 --> 00:54:51,861
And who could forget,
1022
00:54:51,928 --> 00:54:54,030
"Welcome back to 'Match Game'"?
1023
00:54:58,368 --> 00:55:01,504
Alec, you're a great friend
and a great actor,
1024
00:55:01,571 --> 00:55:04,741
and if I can rant
for just one minute here,
1025
00:55:04,807 --> 00:55:06,109
you're a great sport.
1026
00:55:06,176 --> 00:55:08,111
You have a great sense
of humor,
1027
00:55:08,178 --> 00:55:11,114
unlike the social
justice warriors
1028
00:55:11,181 --> 00:55:13,550
who are gonna be out there
tweeting that all
1029
00:55:13,616 --> 00:55:15,718
the jokes are "problematic."
1030
00:55:15,785 --> 00:55:20,223
You people can blow me,
you pussy fuck sticks.
1031
00:55:20,290 --> 00:55:23,326
[cheers and applause]
1032
00:55:24,127 --> 00:55:25,862
This is a goddamn roast.
1033
00:55:25,929 --> 00:55:29,432
Comedians need a place
where they can be offensive
1034
00:55:29,499 --> 00:55:33,069
without your bullshit
fake outrage,
1035
00:55:33,069 --> 00:55:36,105
you hashtag heroes.
1036
00:55:36,172 --> 00:55:38,474
You already ruined the Oscars.
1037
00:55:40,643 --> 00:55:43,146
You're all woke and no joke!
1038
00:55:45,148 --> 00:55:49,252
So if you were offended
by anything said tonight,
1039
00:55:49,319 --> 00:55:53,890
please give a reach-around
to your emotional support dog
1040
00:55:54,023 --> 00:55:56,159
and shut the fuck up.
1041
00:55:56,226 --> 00:55:59,262
[cheers and applause]
1042
00:56:01,030 --> 00:56:05,802
This is our safe space,
bitches.
1043
00:56:05,869 --> 00:56:09,405
But even if
the cancel culture wins,
1044
00:56:09,472 --> 00:56:14,811
Jeff Ross would still be
the roastmaster.
1045
00:56:14,878 --> 00:56:16,279
- Thank you, Adam.
Thank you.
1046
00:56:16,346 --> 00:56:20,049
- At the Arby's in Glendale.
1047
00:56:20,083 --> 00:56:21,784
Thank you very much.
Love you, bud.
1048
00:56:21,851 --> 00:56:23,620
[upbeat music]
1049
00:56:23,686 --> 00:56:26,523
- That was fucking great, man.
That was great.
1050
00:56:28,424 --> 00:56:30,793
Still to come: Alec Baldwin,
1051
00:56:30,860 --> 00:56:32,061
Robert De Niro,
1052
00:56:32,061 --> 00:56:33,296
and Jeff Ross.
1053
00:56:33,363 --> 00:56:34,464
- I just wanna keep
roasting him
1054
00:56:34,531 --> 00:56:36,266
until he punches me
in the face.
1055
00:56:38,134 --> 00:56:42,104
[upbeat music]
1056
00:56:42,171 --> 00:56:43,973
- Robert De Niro is considered
1057
00:56:44,040 --> 00:56:46,042
one of the greatest
living actors.
1058
00:56:46,108 --> 00:56:48,211
[cheers and applause]
1059
00:56:48,277 --> 00:56:50,079
Yeah.
1060
00:56:50,146 --> 00:56:53,049
"The Deer Hunter,"
"Godfather II,"
1061
00:56:53,115 --> 00:56:54,851
"Raging Bull,"
1062
00:56:54,917 --> 00:56:56,352
these are all the types
of movies
1063
00:56:56,419 --> 00:56:59,021
he stopped doing long ago.
1064
00:56:59,088 --> 00:57:01,524
He's won two Oscars
and his balls are nominated
1065
00:57:01,591 --> 00:57:04,427
for a SAG award,
Robert De Niro.
1066
00:57:04,494 --> 00:57:11,067
[rock music]
1067
00:57:11,134 --> 00:57:13,870
[cheers and applause]
1068
00:57:13,936 --> 00:57:15,404
- [chuckles]
1069
00:57:15,471 --> 00:57:18,241
[cheers and applause]
1070
00:57:24,480 --> 00:57:26,015
I know.
1071
00:57:27,216 --> 00:57:28,417
I know.
1072
00:57:28,484 --> 00:57:29,986
[laughter]
1073
00:57:31,454 --> 00:57:33,356
What the fuck am I doing here?
1074
00:57:36,425 --> 00:57:38,294
This is like that
Moscow hotel room
1075
00:57:38,361 --> 00:57:41,330
where a bunch of whores
pissed all over Donald Trump.
1076
00:57:43,499 --> 00:57:47,270
I mean, this is what you get
for being Alec's friend.
1077
00:57:48,604 --> 00:57:51,040
On nights like these,
you expect your friends--
1078
00:57:51,073 --> 00:57:54,143
the people you've worked
with closely--to show up.
1079
00:57:54,210 --> 00:57:55,778
Tina Fey,
Tracy Morgan,
1080
00:57:55,845 --> 00:57:59,248
Thomas the Tank Engine,
Meryl Streep.
1081
00:58:00,283 --> 00:58:01,751
Not one.
1082
00:58:01,818 --> 00:58:04,754
Instead we have a group--
[laughs]
1083
00:58:04,821 --> 00:58:07,223
You can't even find them on,
uh, Wikipedia.
1084
00:58:07,290 --> 00:58:10,560
[laughs]
1085
00:58:10,626 --> 00:58:13,462
And--and, like,
who are these people?
1086
00:58:13,529 --> 00:58:15,965
I mean, who the fuck are you?
1087
00:58:16,065 --> 00:58:18,067
[laughter]
1088
00:58:18,067 --> 00:58:21,204
I mean, Ann Coulter, everybody.
1089
00:58:21,270 --> 00:58:23,439
[laughter]
1090
00:58:23,506 --> 00:58:26,542
[cheers and applause]
1091
00:58:29,312 --> 00:58:32,081
Nikki is what's known
as a dirty comedian,
1092
00:58:32,148 --> 00:58:33,516
and I don't mean her material.
1093
00:58:33,583 --> 00:58:36,919
I mean she hasn't washed
her pussy since Memorial Day.
1094
00:58:41,157 --> 00:58:42,558
Caroline Rhea.
1095
00:58:42,625 --> 00:58:44,093
Caroline.
1096
00:58:45,728 --> 00:58:50,766
Caroline did over 160 episodes
of "Sabrina the Teenage Witch."
1097
00:58:50,833 --> 00:58:52,435
That's a lot of teenagers.
1098
00:58:53,836 --> 00:58:56,272
Not R. Kelly numbers,
but still.
1099
00:58:58,307 --> 00:58:59,709
Pretty impressive.
1100
00:59:01,410 --> 00:59:04,247
Sean Hayes.
Where's Sean Hayes?
1101
00:59:04,313 --> 00:59:07,884
Over here.
[laughs]
1102
00:59:07,950 --> 00:59:09,352
I was in "Goodfellas,"
1103
00:59:09,418 --> 00:59:14,056
and I'm guessing Sean has also
been in good fellas...
1104
00:59:14,123 --> 00:59:17,360
uh, and some bad fellas
1105
00:59:17,426 --> 00:59:22,165
and more than a few sailors,
I'm sure.
1106
00:59:22,231 --> 00:59:23,566
Caitlyn Jenner.
1107
00:59:23,633 --> 00:59:25,101
Now, there's something
different about you,
1108
00:59:25,168 --> 00:59:28,771
but I--I can't I can't put
my finger in it.
1109
00:59:33,576 --> 00:59:37,580
- Yes, you can!
- [laughs]
1110
00:59:37,647 --> 00:59:39,415
- Yes, you can!
1111
00:59:39,482 --> 00:59:40,817
- [laughs]
1112
00:59:40,883 --> 00:59:43,386
Comedy Central wanted
to have Caitlyn on a roast
1113
00:59:43,452 --> 00:59:46,923
after her surgery so now
they can pay her 20% less.
1114
00:59:53,596 --> 00:59:56,098
When I did "Raging Bull,"
I had to gain 60 pounds
1115
00:59:56,165 --> 00:59:59,635
in four months.
Jeff, what's your excuse?
1116
00:59:59,702 --> 01:00:02,205
[laughs]
1117
01:00:02,271 --> 01:00:05,341
Ken Jeong once stopped
his stand-up show
1118
01:00:05,408 --> 01:00:07,877
to help a woman in the audience
who was having a seizure.
1119
01:00:07,944 --> 01:00:10,513
Hey, if a seizure is what
it takes to stop him
1120
01:00:10,580 --> 01:00:12,181
from doing stand-up,
I'm for that.
1121
01:00:12,248 --> 01:00:16,652
- [laughs]
1122
01:00:16,719 --> 01:00:18,454
- Adam Carolla.
1123
01:00:18,521 --> 01:00:23,059
Adam promotes a drink called
the Brosé Cocktail.
1124
01:00:23,125 --> 01:00:25,495
Finally, a light,
refreshing summer drink
1125
01:00:25,561 --> 01:00:27,363
for date rapists.
1126
01:00:32,068 --> 01:00:37,507
And now for the only
true movie star on this stage,
1127
01:00:37,573 --> 01:00:38,741
me.
1128
01:00:45,148 --> 01:00:48,618
Critics say I have a unique
quality as an actor.
1129
01:00:48,684 --> 01:00:52,088
I actually like Alec Baldwin,
1130
01:00:52,155 --> 01:00:54,023
and I'm happy to be here
for Alec,
1131
01:00:54,090 --> 01:00:57,193
but honestly, I'm here to teach
Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner,
1132
01:00:57,260 --> 01:00:59,729
and Blake Griffin how
to fuck black women.
1133
01:01:09,872 --> 01:01:11,874
Here's an historical fact.
1134
01:01:11,941 --> 01:01:15,812
Alec's ancestors came over
on the "Mayflower."
1135
01:01:15,878 --> 01:01:19,949
Alec's great-great-great-
great-great-grandfather
1136
01:01:20,049 --> 01:01:21,584
was the first
white man to punch
1137
01:01:21,651 --> 01:01:23,619
a Native American in the face.
1138
01:01:25,688 --> 01:01:27,156
That's a fact.
1139
01:01:27,223 --> 01:01:30,059
Now Alec is doing it
to paparazzi.
1140
01:01:30,059 --> 01:01:31,661
And he doesn't care
who he hits.
1141
01:01:31,727 --> 01:01:35,431
I once saw him take a selfie
and punch his own face.
1142
01:01:39,769 --> 01:01:43,172
You've starred in huge
blockbuster movies, Alec,
1143
01:01:43,239 --> 01:01:46,509
and now you're hosting
a fucking game show?
1144
01:01:46,576 --> 01:01:48,344
I'd say you're about a year
and a half away
1145
01:01:48,411 --> 01:01:51,013
from doing commercials
for reverse mortgages.
1146
01:01:51,080 --> 01:01:52,849
[chuckles]
1147
01:01:53,816 --> 01:01:57,220
One thing I love about Alec is
that like the Subway pizza rat
1148
01:01:57,286 --> 01:01:59,922
and crazy people fighting
over parking spaces,
1149
01:02:00,022 --> 01:02:02,825
he's quintessential New York.
1150
01:02:02,892 --> 01:02:04,694
He is.
1151
01:02:06,128 --> 01:02:07,296
Kinda like Woody Allen,
1152
01:02:07,363 --> 01:02:09,165
except Alec only screamed
at his daughter
1153
01:02:09,232 --> 01:02:10,700
and Woody, well, uh,
I don't know.
1154
01:02:10,766 --> 01:02:12,435
He--I don't know.
1155
01:02:17,406 --> 01:02:20,376
Alec, I wanna thank you
for inviting me to do this.
1156
01:02:20,443 --> 01:02:22,411
Now "Rocky and Bullwinkle"
won't be the most
1157
01:02:22,478 --> 01:02:24,080
embarrassing thing
I've ever done.
1158
01:02:26,582 --> 01:02:28,451
And I have to mention Alec's
great portrayal
1159
01:02:28,518 --> 01:02:30,453
of Donald Trump on "SNL."
1160
01:02:30,520 --> 01:02:32,455
He fucking nails it...
1161
01:02:32,522 --> 01:02:36,058
[cheers and applause]
1162
01:02:36,058 --> 01:02:39,295
Exposing Trump for the
ridiculous malignant narcissist
1163
01:02:39,362 --> 01:02:41,397
bully sociopath he is.
1164
01:02:41,464 --> 01:02:44,500
[cheers and applause]
1165
01:02:46,035 --> 01:02:48,571
It's not fair, though,
because Alec doesn't even have
1166
01:02:48,638 --> 01:02:50,339
to act to do that.
1167
01:02:50,406 --> 01:02:52,675
Al--Alec, you're so convincing,
1168
01:02:52,742 --> 01:02:56,579
I wanna punch both
of you in the face.
1169
01:02:56,646 --> 01:02:59,148
Alec, it's been a privilege
playing Robert Mueller
1170
01:02:59,215 --> 01:03:01,150
to your Donald Trump.
1171
01:03:03,085 --> 01:03:06,189
I just wish Mueller had
roasted Trump as frankly
1172
01:03:06,255 --> 01:03:09,192
and ferociously
as we roasted you.
1173
01:03:11,227 --> 01:03:12,829
Alec, you're a good sport,
1174
01:03:12,895 --> 01:03:14,197
and I know I've been
rough on you,
1175
01:03:14,263 --> 01:03:17,467
but I also love you,
and I say that now because
1176
01:03:17,533 --> 01:03:19,569
like Robert Kraft
at a massage parlor,
1177
01:03:19,635 --> 01:03:22,705
I want my roast to have
a happy ending.
1178
01:03:22,772 --> 01:03:24,707
[laughs]
1179
01:03:24,774 --> 01:03:26,275
Salut.
1180
01:03:26,342 --> 01:03:30,112
[rock music]
1181
01:03:39,555 --> 01:03:41,724
- Coming up, Jeff Ross.
1182
01:03:41,791 --> 01:03:44,060
- Always be closing.
I'm closing the roast tonight.
1183
01:03:44,126 --> 01:03:45,995
- And Alec Baldwin.
1184
01:03:45,995 --> 01:03:47,430
- What's with this tie?
1185
01:03:47,497 --> 01:03:49,232
Do we have any, uh, Tie-agra?
1186
01:03:51,067 --> 01:03:53,069
[upbeat music]
1187
01:03:53,136 --> 01:03:56,038
- Welcome back to the Comedy
Central Roast of Alec Baldwin.
1188
01:03:56,105 --> 01:03:58,307
This is my least favorite
part of the roast because
1189
01:03:58,374 --> 01:04:01,411
now I have to spend five
minutes sitting over there
1190
01:04:01,477 --> 01:04:05,214
in the stinking hot ass mark
left by Jeff Ross.
1191
01:04:06,282 --> 01:04:09,652
Give it up for
roastmaster general Jeff Ross.
1192
01:04:09,719 --> 01:04:10,720
[chuckles]
1193
01:04:10,787 --> 01:04:17,727
[rock music]
1194
01:04:17,794 --> 01:04:21,230
- Thank you, everybody.
Happy roast, everyone.
1195
01:04:21,297 --> 01:04:23,099
Happy roast.
1196
01:04:23,166 --> 01:04:26,035
What a crowd!
1197
01:04:26,102 --> 01:04:29,038
Here I am again following
fucking De Niro.
1198
01:04:30,473 --> 01:04:32,942
Great job, Aging Bull.
1199
01:04:34,911 --> 01:04:36,479
I learned something tonight.
1200
01:04:36,546 --> 01:04:39,082
Alec is the name you give
your son if you want him
1201
01:04:39,148 --> 01:04:41,150
to grow up and be an asshole.
1202
01:04:44,087 --> 01:04:46,589
Caitlyn, you were
fucking awesome tonight.
1203
01:04:46,656 --> 01:04:47,957
I just wanna say that.
1204
01:04:48,024 --> 01:04:50,326
You were really awesome
tonight.
1205
01:04:53,963 --> 01:04:57,066
But I wouldn't fuck you
with Bruce Jenner's dick.
1206
01:05:00,803 --> 01:05:03,973
Remember when your picture
was on Wheaties boxes
1207
01:05:04,006 --> 01:05:06,776
back when people could still
look at you when they eat?
1208
01:05:10,880 --> 01:05:13,516
How about a hand
for our guest of honor,
1209
01:05:13,583 --> 01:05:15,752
Mr. Alec "Bobblehead" Baldwin?
1210
01:05:15,818 --> 01:05:18,988
[cheers and applause]
1211
01:05:19,622 --> 01:05:22,225
Alec is actually my neighbor
in Greenwich Village,
1212
01:05:22,291 --> 01:05:23,693
which was a pretty safe
neighborhood
1213
01:05:23,760 --> 01:05:25,194
until you fucking moved in.
1214
01:05:26,529 --> 01:05:27,797
You're a big star.
1215
01:05:27,864 --> 01:05:30,166
I watched you get arrested
for punching a guy
1216
01:05:30,233 --> 01:05:31,534
over a parking spot.
1217
01:05:32,835 --> 01:05:34,237
Next time, valet your car
1218
01:05:34,303 --> 01:05:35,872
and help your
brother's business.
1219
01:05:38,441 --> 01:05:40,243
Help a brother out, Alec!
1220
01:05:42,011 --> 01:05:45,848
I'm speaking as a big fan.
I love all your movies, Alec.
1221
01:05:45,915 --> 01:05:47,917
I loved you in "The Departed,"
1222
01:05:48,017 --> 01:05:50,219
which is also what Caitlyn
calls her penis.
1223
01:05:51,954 --> 01:05:54,557
And of course, Alec,
you got your Oscar nomination
1224
01:05:54,624 --> 01:05:55,958
for "The Cooler,"
1225
01:05:55,992 --> 01:05:58,060
which is where Caitlyn
keeps her penis.
1226
01:06:01,831 --> 01:06:03,199
And of course,
your first big break
1227
01:06:03,266 --> 01:06:04,867
was "The Hunt for Red October,"
1228
01:06:04,967 --> 01:06:07,336
which is what Caitlyn
calls her vagina.
1229
01:06:10,173 --> 01:06:13,142
Alec, I first saw you
in the movie "Pearl Harbor,"
1230
01:06:13,209 --> 01:06:16,712
which was worse than
the actual Pearl Harbor.
1231
01:06:18,381 --> 01:06:20,983
Halfway through, I was rooting
for the Japanese.
1232
01:06:23,352 --> 01:06:24,987
Any fans of Alec Baldwin's
1233
01:06:24,987 --> 01:06:27,323
Donald Trump impression
here tonight?
1234
01:06:27,390 --> 01:06:29,125
[cheers and applause]
Okay.
1235
01:06:29,192 --> 01:06:31,027
Okay.
1236
01:06:31,094 --> 01:06:32,495
What a lot of people
don't realize is that
1237
01:06:32,562 --> 01:06:34,063
for the last three years,
1238
01:06:34,130 --> 01:06:37,100
Donald Trump is actually doing
an Alec Baldwin impression.
1239
01:06:38,701 --> 01:06:42,004
He calls people names,
he yells at the press,
1240
01:06:42,071 --> 01:06:44,807
he married an immigrant
half his age.
1241
01:06:46,609 --> 01:06:49,011
The only difference is that
Trump calls his daughter a fox,
1242
01:06:49,011 --> 01:06:50,713
not a pig.
1243
01:06:53,649 --> 01:06:55,051
Here's to you, Ireland.
1244
01:06:55,118 --> 01:06:57,854
Great job, Ireland.
You didn't oink once.
1245
01:07:00,256 --> 01:07:02,225
What a babe.
I love that movie.
1246
01:07:06,162 --> 01:07:08,731
Bob, this is nothing for you.
You've seen it all.
1247
01:07:08,798 --> 01:07:10,366
Robert De Niro's
been around so long,
1248
01:07:10,433 --> 01:07:12,235
he was God's father.
1249
01:07:15,972 --> 01:07:17,740
Bob, I have to give you props.
1250
01:07:17,807 --> 01:07:20,410
You're owner of my favorite
sushi restaurant.
1251
01:07:20,476 --> 01:07:22,545
Any fans of Nobu?
1252
01:07:22,612 --> 01:07:23,846
Yeah.
1253
01:07:23,980 --> 01:07:25,715
I love that place.
1254
01:07:25,782 --> 01:07:27,817
By the way,
Nobu is also what
1255
01:07:27,884 --> 01:07:29,786
Bob's girlfriend says
when he asks her
1256
01:07:29,852 --> 01:07:32,121
to dress up like sexy
Harriet Tubman.
1257
01:07:32,188 --> 01:07:33,856
[laughs]
1258
01:07:35,691 --> 01:07:37,260
No, boo!
1259
01:07:41,164 --> 01:07:42,765
Caroline Rhea.
1260
01:07:42,832 --> 01:07:45,268
I--this is my friend
for a long time.
1261
01:07:45,334 --> 01:07:46,636
I love this woman so much.
1262
01:07:46,702 --> 01:07:48,471
You look like
the schoolteacher
1263
01:07:48,538 --> 01:07:50,973
all the kids hide behind
during a shooting.
1264
01:07:51,040 --> 01:07:54,077
[laughter]
1265
01:07:55,945 --> 01:07:58,448
If you don't know Chris Redd's
work on "Saturday Night Live,"
1266
01:07:58,514 --> 01:08:00,950
he does all the impressions
that Kenan Thompson
1267
01:08:01,017 --> 01:08:02,785
is too fat to play.
1268
01:08:07,490 --> 01:08:10,259
Big future, bro.
Big future.
1269
01:08:10,326 --> 01:08:13,529
You look like a blind kid tried
to draw Michael B. Jordan.
1270
01:08:13,596 --> 01:08:16,632
[laughter]
1271
01:08:18,067 --> 01:08:21,204
And I say that with affection.
1272
01:08:22,805 --> 01:08:26,476
Adam Carolla, very interesting
podcast tonight.
1273
01:08:27,877 --> 01:08:29,846
[laughs]
1274
01:08:29,979 --> 01:08:31,347
Oh, come on, Adam.
1275
01:08:31,414 --> 01:08:33,716
I love you.
You were great tonight,
1276
01:08:33,783 --> 01:08:35,017
but you gotta own up to it.
1277
01:08:35,084 --> 01:08:36,986
You once said,
"Women aren't funny."
1278
01:08:36,986 --> 01:08:38,454
Well, let me tell
you something.
1279
01:08:38,521 --> 01:08:40,423
They are,
and you should have hired some
1280
01:08:40,490 --> 01:08:41,991
to write your jokes tonight.
1281
01:08:41,991 --> 01:08:44,160
[cheers and applause]
1282
01:08:44,227 --> 01:08:47,497
- Oh, fuck you.
Fuck you.
1283
01:08:55,371 --> 01:08:57,006
- Hi, Nikki.
1284
01:08:58,541 --> 01:09:00,243
You look great tonight.
1285
01:09:00,309 --> 01:09:03,112
You look like the photo that
Caitlyn showed her doctor.
1286
01:09:03,179 --> 01:09:05,281
- [laughs]
1287
01:09:07,216 --> 01:09:09,252
- Great to see my pal
Ken Jeong.
1288
01:09:09,318 --> 01:09:11,320
Ken is a doctor,
a comic,
1289
01:09:11,387 --> 01:09:12,722
and an actor,
1290
01:09:12,789 --> 01:09:14,257
or as it's known back home
in Korea,
1291
01:09:14,323 --> 01:09:17,126
a failure.
[chuckles]
1292
01:09:17,193 --> 01:09:19,796
- [laughs]
1293
01:09:19,862 --> 01:09:20,963
- Congratulations are in order.
1294
01:09:20,997 --> 01:09:22,165
Your wife and you,
1295
01:09:22,231 --> 01:09:24,100
you just had identical
twin daughters.
1296
01:09:24,167 --> 01:09:26,202
Congratulations.
1297
01:09:26,269 --> 01:09:30,673
Ken told me--Ken told me
he can't tell them apart.
1298
01:09:30,740 --> 01:09:32,842
Well, now you know
how the rest of us feel.
1299
01:09:35,178 --> 01:09:38,214
- [laughs]
1300
01:09:39,282 --> 01:09:40,750
- You're a good guy, Ken.
1301
01:09:40,817 --> 01:09:42,985
Thank you for letting
them live.
1302
01:09:43,019 --> 01:09:44,787
- [laughs]
1303
01:09:48,257 --> 01:09:51,561
[laughing heavily]
1304
01:09:52,929 --> 01:09:55,031
- Caitlyn, it's frustrating
to think about.
1305
01:09:55,098 --> 01:09:58,401
You supported Donald Trump
despite his policies.
1306
01:09:58,468 --> 01:10:00,503
How can someone who chooses
to be a woman
1307
01:10:00,570 --> 01:10:02,939
vote against a woman's right
to choose?
1308
01:10:02,939 --> 01:10:05,975
[cheers and applause]
1309
01:10:08,678 --> 01:10:11,114
Just 'cause you're built like
Sarah Huckabee Sanders
1310
01:10:11,180 --> 01:10:13,049
doesn't mean you have
to vote like her.
1311
01:10:13,116 --> 01:10:16,119
[cheers and applause]
1312
01:10:18,621 --> 01:10:21,791
Who transitions at 60?
1313
01:10:21,858 --> 01:10:25,495
That's like neutering your dog
right before he dies.
1314
01:10:30,066 --> 01:10:31,667
Bruce Jenner wanted
to be here tonight,
1315
01:10:31,734 --> 01:10:34,170
but some [...]
cut his dick off.
1316
01:10:36,506 --> 01:10:38,841
Bruce, blink twice
if you're in there!
1317
01:10:44,547 --> 01:10:46,382
I gotta give it up to you.
1318
01:10:46,449 --> 01:10:48,885
You're the first transgender
person ever to do
1319
01:10:48,985 --> 01:10:50,553
the Comedy Central Roast.
1320
01:10:50,620 --> 01:10:52,021
- Yeah!
1321
01:10:52,088 --> 01:10:54,724
[cheers and applause]
1322
01:10:56,926 --> 01:11:00,563
I believe you're normalizing
what should be normal,
1323
01:11:00,630 --> 01:11:02,999
and you proved tonight you're
not just a great athlete--
1324
01:11:03,065 --> 01:11:05,501
the greatest athlete--
you're also a great sport,
1325
01:11:05,568 --> 01:11:07,737
which I think
is really important.
1326
01:11:09,605 --> 01:11:12,375
And you're an inspiration
to Republican transgender
1327
01:11:12,442 --> 01:11:15,311
Olympic decathlon
winners everywhere.
1328
01:11:21,084 --> 01:11:22,385
Mr. Alec Baldwin,
1329
01:11:22,452 --> 01:11:26,255
thank you for doing this
tonight for charity.
1330
01:11:26,322 --> 01:11:28,691
And to be honest,
1331
01:11:28,758 --> 01:11:32,061
making fun of you wasn't easy
because you have it all.
1332
01:11:32,128 --> 01:11:34,363
A great career,
a beautiful family,
1333
01:11:34,430 --> 01:11:36,032
good looks,
intelligence,
1334
01:11:36,099 --> 01:11:37,400
and you know what?
1335
01:11:37,467 --> 01:11:40,870
You should run
for president someday.
1336
01:11:40,970 --> 01:11:42,105
Yeah.
1337
01:11:42,171 --> 01:11:43,606
I think you got a good shot
1338
01:11:43,673 --> 01:11:45,141
'cause in addition to all that,
1339
01:11:45,208 --> 01:11:46,976
you're also a piece of shit.
1340
01:11:49,612 --> 01:11:52,181
Coffee is for closers.
Good night, everybody.
1341
01:11:52,248 --> 01:11:53,783
I love you guys.
1342
01:11:53,916 --> 01:11:57,653
[rock music]
1343
01:11:57,720 --> 01:11:59,555
- You never disappoint.
- Oh!
1344
01:11:59,622 --> 01:12:01,057
- Thank you, man.
1345
01:12:01,124 --> 01:12:02,358
- Coming up...
1346
01:12:02,425 --> 01:12:04,694
- Why are you wearing
those fucking shoes?
1347
01:12:04,761 --> 01:12:06,796
I'm sorry.
I yelled at my daughter.
1348
01:12:06,929 --> 01:12:07,797
- Already.
1349
01:12:07,930 --> 01:12:09,432
- Alec Baldwin.
1350
01:12:09,499 --> 01:12:11,167
- The chance to have
the Empire State Building
1351
01:12:11,234 --> 01:12:14,303
shoved up my ass
one brick at a time,
1352
01:12:14,370 --> 01:12:15,538
and who wouldn't be looking
forward to that?
1353
01:12:17,006 --> 01:12:19,975
[upbeat music]
1354
01:12:20,042 --> 01:12:24,113
- And now for the man
of the hour, Alec.
1355
01:12:24,180 --> 01:12:27,216
[cheers and applause]
1356
01:12:28,684 --> 01:12:30,786
We've known each other
for a very long time,
1357
01:12:30,853 --> 01:12:33,289
so when you asked me to host,
I didn't hesitate to say yes,
1358
01:12:33,356 --> 01:12:35,624
especially knowing it was
for such a great charity
1359
01:12:35,691 --> 01:12:37,827
called Exploring the Arts.
1360
01:12:37,893 --> 01:12:39,495
You've been a great
sport tonight,
1361
01:12:39,562 --> 01:12:40,796
a great friend over the years,
1362
01:12:40,863 --> 01:12:43,432
and I love you
very, very much.
1363
01:12:43,499 --> 01:12:45,334
Uh, thank you for having me...
1364
01:12:45,401 --> 01:12:47,570
is something your kids
will never say.
1365
01:12:47,636 --> 01:12:50,406
[laughter]
1366
01:12:50,473 --> 01:12:53,676
He's living proof that yoga
doesn't work for everyone.
1367
01:12:53,743 --> 01:12:56,679
For your own safety,
no flash photography.
1368
01:12:56,746 --> 01:12:58,447
Alec Baldwin.
1369
01:12:58,514 --> 01:13:01,117
["My Way" playing]
1370
01:13:01,183 --> 01:13:04,220
[cheers and applause]
1371
01:13:07,123 --> 01:13:09,892
- Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up.
1372
01:13:11,627 --> 01:13:12,561
Sit down.
Come on.
1373
01:13:12,628 --> 01:13:14,397
Come on.
[clears throat]
1374
01:13:14,463 --> 01:13:15,664
[clears throat]
1375
01:13:16,732 --> 01:13:18,701
What a night.
1376
01:13:18,768 --> 01:13:21,570
You all talked about me
berating the paparazzi,
1377
01:13:21,637 --> 01:13:23,205
marrying a woman half my age,
1378
01:13:23,272 --> 01:13:25,941
and so many other
memorable achievements.
1379
01:13:28,144 --> 01:13:30,680
I'm glad you all had fun
and a sizable amount
1380
01:13:30,746 --> 01:13:32,815
of TV exposure at my expense,
1381
01:13:32,915 --> 01:13:36,118
but just--there's one more
charitable act
1382
01:13:36,185 --> 01:13:38,020
that I've done that
I won't get credit for.
1383
01:13:39,288 --> 01:13:41,490
I'm a generous guy,
so sharing the spotlight
1384
01:13:41,557 --> 01:13:44,360
is my gift to all of you.
1385
01:13:46,662 --> 01:13:48,564
But at the same time, I want
to set all of you straight.
1386
01:13:48,631 --> 01:13:49,932
Not you, Sean.
1387
01:13:49,965 --> 01:13:51,801
If your father couldn't
do that, how can I?
1388
01:13:54,103 --> 01:13:55,504
- [laughs]
1389
01:13:55,571 --> 01:13:57,707
- Sean, you proved to the world
that gay characters
1390
01:13:57,773 --> 01:13:59,442
could be successful
in prime time,
1391
01:13:59,508 --> 01:14:01,944
and tonight you proved
once and for all
1392
01:14:01,944 --> 01:14:04,580
that Neil Patrick Harris
wasn't available.
1393
01:14:09,251 --> 01:14:12,154
Sean, you have the face
of a ventriloquist doll
1394
01:14:12,221 --> 01:14:15,091
and the asshole of a much larger
ventriloquist doll.
1395
01:14:20,396 --> 01:14:23,132
Blake Griffin, my gift to you
is bringing awareness
1396
01:14:23,199 --> 01:14:26,535
to whatever tragic skin disease
it is you have.
1397
01:14:26,602 --> 01:14:28,804
[clears throat]
1398
01:14:30,906 --> 01:14:32,408
You're a remarkable man, Blake.
1399
01:14:33,909 --> 01:14:36,078
I wish we were as close
as your eyes are.
1400
01:14:41,751 --> 01:14:43,652
Blake Griffin,
tonight you demonstrated
1401
01:14:43,719 --> 01:14:46,222
what you do best:
sitting while others score.
1402
01:14:50,493 --> 01:14:52,595
Adam Carolla,
1403
01:14:52,661 --> 01:14:55,297
I assume you're here to measure
all of us for cages.
1404
01:14:58,467 --> 01:15:00,403
Adam, you might have
your own vineyard,
1405
01:15:00,469 --> 01:15:04,407
but you do most of your
white wining on your podcast.
1406
01:15:04,473 --> 01:15:05,941
Have you heard it?
1407
01:15:06,008 --> 01:15:08,744
Have you heard his podcast?
1408
01:15:08,811 --> 01:15:09,945
It's fantastic.
1409
01:15:10,012 --> 01:15:12,148
Number two in
the mass shooter demo.
1410
01:15:15,584 --> 01:15:17,553
Adam's wife has her own podcast
too.
1411
01:15:17,620 --> 01:15:19,655
It's called "Can I Speak Now?"
1412
01:15:23,392 --> 01:15:25,161
Adam Carolla also hosted a show
1413
01:15:25,227 --> 01:15:27,196
for car geeks called
"Top Gear."
1414
01:15:27,263 --> 01:15:28,898
His favorite episode
was finding
1415
01:15:28,898 --> 01:15:30,299
the most fuel-efficient car
1416
01:15:30,366 --> 01:15:32,635
to drive into a crowd
in Charlottesville.
1417
01:15:37,740 --> 01:15:41,143
We're all learning.
It's all we can do.
1418
01:15:41,210 --> 01:15:43,179
I didn't even know what
a Nikki Glaser was
1419
01:15:43,245 --> 01:15:44,914
before tonight,
and I still don't.
1420
01:15:46,682 --> 01:15:49,151
Were you the flight attendant
I was rude to?
1421
01:15:49,218 --> 01:15:50,619
I'm sorry if you were,
1422
01:15:50,686 --> 01:15:52,655
but I don't regret
finishing my game
1423
01:15:52,722 --> 01:15:54,924
of "Words With Friends"
on that flight.
1424
01:15:57,059 --> 01:16:01,097
I sniped an incredible
92-pointer with "zymurgy."
1425
01:16:04,200 --> 01:16:05,334
Zymurgy, Bob.
1426
01:16:05,401 --> 01:16:07,036
Isn't that your
second wife's name?
1427
01:16:11,007 --> 01:16:12,308
No, wait.
1428
01:16:12,375 --> 01:16:13,943
No, wait, it's the medication
Jeff Ross takes
1429
01:16:13,976 --> 01:16:16,445
for losing his battle
with seepage.
1430
01:16:18,781 --> 01:16:20,516
- I don't know what that means.
1431
01:16:20,583 --> 01:16:24,053
- What devastating comment
could I make about Nikki Glaser
1432
01:16:24,120 --> 01:16:26,155
that she hasn't already
muttered to herself
1433
01:16:26,222 --> 01:16:28,124
in a mirror at Equinox?
1434
01:16:28,190 --> 01:16:30,226
- [laughs]
1435
01:16:30,292 --> 01:16:32,595
That's so true.
1436
01:16:33,462 --> 01:16:34,897
That's so tr--
1437
01:16:34,897 --> 01:16:37,366
- Caroline Rhea.
Caroline, I just love you.
1438
01:16:37,433 --> 01:16:39,668
You are so open and honest.
1439
01:16:39,735 --> 01:16:41,137
Backstage she told all of us
1440
01:16:41,203 --> 01:16:43,139
she hasn't been laid
in so long,
1441
01:16:43,205 --> 01:16:44,907
she went through
Caitlyn Jenner's trash
1442
01:16:44,974 --> 01:16:46,442
looking for dick.
1443
01:16:48,911 --> 01:16:50,379
[clears throat]
1444
01:16:50,446 --> 01:16:52,915
But you were great tonight.
1445
01:16:52,948 --> 01:16:54,316
You were great tonight.
1446
01:16:54,383 --> 01:16:55,985
This is the longest you've gone
without mentioning
1447
01:16:56,052 --> 01:16:57,553
"Sabrina the Teenage Witch."
1448
01:16:57,620 --> 01:16:59,055
True story,
1449
01:16:59,121 --> 01:17:01,524
Caroline visited my sick mother
when she was dying
1450
01:17:01,590 --> 01:17:03,092
of cancer in the hospital.
1451
01:17:03,159 --> 01:17:05,428
We sat for a bit,
and then she turned on the TV
1452
01:17:05,494 --> 01:17:07,697
and said, "Sabrina
the Teenage Witch" is on.
1453
01:17:09,365 --> 01:17:12,435
Caroline, you totally get
the assist on that suicide.
1454
01:17:16,739 --> 01:17:19,108
My mom attacked
that morphine button
1455
01:17:19,175 --> 01:17:21,177
like she was trying to buzz in
on "Jeopardy!"
1456
01:17:28,551 --> 01:17:31,220
Ken Jeong, I'm proud of you.
1457
01:17:31,287 --> 01:17:34,056
Normally you come across
like an Asian stereotype,
1458
01:17:34,123 --> 01:17:35,991
but tonight your lips
totally matched
1459
01:17:36,058 --> 01:17:37,259
the words you were saying.
1460
01:17:37,326 --> 01:17:39,895
- [laughs]
- I'm--
1461
01:17:39,895 --> 01:17:41,330
I'm such a fan of your work.
1462
01:17:41,397 --> 01:17:43,399
The way you flipped that
shrimp tail into your hat
1463
01:17:43,466 --> 01:17:45,301
on my birthday was just genius.
1464
01:17:50,940 --> 01:17:53,709
I realize I'm not very big
in the Asian community,
1465
01:17:53,776 --> 01:17:55,811
but I suppose
there's a good reason.
1466
01:17:55,911 --> 01:17:57,947
The hardest possible title
for you to pronounce
1467
01:17:58,014 --> 01:18:00,249
is "Glengarry Glen Ross."
1468
01:18:04,920 --> 01:18:07,623
Jeff Ross, everybody.
Jeff Ross.
1469
01:18:07,690 --> 01:18:11,160
[cheers and applause]
1470
01:18:11,227 --> 01:18:12,328
I'm gonna be honest.
1471
01:18:12,395 --> 01:18:13,929
I'm surrounded
by so many friends,
1472
01:18:13,996 --> 01:18:16,532
but you are a mandatory
fixture here.
1473
01:18:18,434 --> 01:18:20,302
It's like you bought
a beautiful new house
1474
01:18:20,369 --> 01:18:22,571
and they wouldn't let you
chop down this one fat,
1475
01:18:22,638 --> 01:18:24,640
ugly tree
for some stupid reason.
1476
01:18:26,942 --> 01:18:29,378
Jeff Ross is obsessed
with food.
1477
01:18:29,445 --> 01:18:31,480
He meets the
Domino's guy halfway.
1478
01:18:31,547 --> 01:18:34,483
- [laughs]
1479
01:18:34,550 --> 01:18:36,352
- At his birthday when he
blew out the candles,
1480
01:18:36,419 --> 01:18:38,154
he wished for another cake.
1481
01:18:42,458 --> 01:18:44,326
[laughter]
1482
01:18:44,393 --> 01:18:46,228
[clears throat]
1483
01:18:46,295 --> 01:18:48,931
Caitlyn Jenner is an American
gold medalist
1484
01:18:48,998 --> 01:18:51,467
who changed genders
and somehow still managed
1485
01:18:51,534 --> 01:18:54,236
to be the least interesting
member of her family.
1486
01:18:57,206 --> 01:19:00,476
Her strength and beauty
are as hypnotic
1487
01:19:00,543 --> 01:19:03,946
as a Salvador DalĂ painting
of Kellyanne Conway.
1488
01:19:07,917 --> 01:19:10,319
You look like a real doll
1489
01:19:10,386 --> 01:19:14,824
that's been fucked a little
too close to the fireplace.
1490
01:19:23,032 --> 01:19:24,400
Chris Redd.
1491
01:19:25,601 --> 01:19:27,002
As you know,
you were one
1492
01:19:27,069 --> 01:19:29,171
of the true highlights for me
when I appeared on "SNL"
1493
01:19:29,238 --> 01:19:31,874
all last season.
You're great.
1494
01:19:31,941 --> 01:19:33,876
He's doing a new character
at "SNL"
1495
01:19:33,909 --> 01:19:36,278
called "comedian in car
getting coffee
1496
01:19:36,345 --> 01:19:38,414
for the rest of the cast."
1497
01:19:39,882 --> 01:19:44,487
Chris, you are so talented.
1498
01:19:44,553 --> 01:19:46,555
I just hope everyone
can recognize you
1499
01:19:46,622 --> 01:19:48,891
without the credits
rolling over your face.
1500
01:19:51,394 --> 01:19:54,096
Robert De Niro, everybody!
Robert De Niro!
1501
01:19:54,163 --> 01:19:56,899
[cheers and applause]
1502
01:19:56,932 --> 01:19:59,268
Thank you for bringing--
1503
01:19:59,335 --> 01:20:00,503
thank you for bringing some
1504
01:20:00,569 --> 01:20:03,005
actual star power
to this event.
1505
01:20:03,072 --> 01:20:05,274
Robert De Niro is a legend
when it comes
1506
01:20:05,341 --> 01:20:06,742
to preparing for roles.
1507
01:20:06,809 --> 01:20:10,046
Before "Taxi Driver," he drove
15-hour days in a cab.
1508
01:20:10,112 --> 01:20:12,481
Before "Raging Bull,"
he gained 60 pounds.
1509
01:20:12,548 --> 01:20:14,383
And before we filmed
"The Good Shepherd" together,
1510
01:20:14,450 --> 01:20:16,218
he fucked a sheep.
1511
01:20:17,420 --> 01:20:19,855
It was really weird.
1512
01:20:19,889 --> 01:20:22,191
But that's why he's the best.
1513
01:20:24,226 --> 01:20:25,895
If you're gonna be
the GOAT,
1514
01:20:25,961 --> 01:20:28,531
you gotta fuck a few sheep.
1515
01:20:30,499 --> 01:20:32,401
[clears throat]
1516
01:20:32,468 --> 01:20:35,071
So you all think I have rage?
I don't have rage.
1517
01:20:35,137 --> 01:20:37,006
I have passion.
1518
01:20:37,073 --> 01:20:40,910
Passion like Robert De Niro
at a Philadelphia strip club.
1519
01:20:42,378 --> 01:20:44,914
Passion like Ken Jeong
dry cleaning the matcha
1520
01:20:44,980 --> 01:20:47,883
out of Sean Hayes'
capri pants.
1521
01:20:49,785 --> 01:20:52,154
I've got a bigger heart
than the medical condition
1522
01:20:52,221 --> 01:20:55,091
that will kill Blake Griffin
in his 40s.
1523
01:20:58,627 --> 01:21:00,596
And I have a brain, Nikki.
1524
01:21:00,663 --> 01:21:02,498
And balls, Caitlyn.
1525
01:21:02,565 --> 01:21:05,134
And I'm more than a podcast,
Carolla.
1526
01:21:05,201 --> 01:21:08,571
My emergency contact
is not my cat, Caroline.
1527
01:21:13,242 --> 01:21:15,845
And I don't eat my own semen,
Jeff.
1528
01:21:17,847 --> 01:21:20,249
And unlike Chris Redd
in a photo at night,
1529
01:21:20,316 --> 01:21:21,717
I showed up.
1530
01:21:23,652 --> 01:21:25,588
And so did you.
1531
01:21:25,654 --> 01:21:27,990
And I wanna thank
all of you for that.
1532
01:21:28,057 --> 01:21:29,859
I love all of you.
1533
01:21:29,892 --> 01:21:31,961
And if you don't believe me,
1534
01:21:32,028 --> 01:21:35,264
just check your voice mails.
1535
01:21:35,331 --> 01:21:37,166
Say what you want.
I'm still here.
1536
01:21:37,233 --> 01:21:40,036
I didn't do it by starring
in hit after hit.
1537
01:21:40,102 --> 01:21:42,138
I didn't do it
by keeping my cool.
1538
01:21:42,204 --> 01:21:44,874
I did it my way.
1539
01:21:44,907 --> 01:21:48,044
Ladies and gentlemen,
Paul Anka.
1540
01:21:48,110 --> 01:21:51,147
[cheers and applause]
1541
01:21:51,213 --> 01:21:54,183
["My Way" playing]
1542
01:21:54,250 --> 01:22:00,222
- [singing]
Regrets, he had a few
1543
01:22:00,289 --> 01:22:04,994
But then again,
too few to mention
1544
01:22:05,061 --> 01:22:10,066
He did what he had to do
1545
01:22:10,132 --> 01:22:12,968
He saw it through
1546
01:22:13,035 --> 01:22:16,272
Without exemption
1547
01:22:16,339 --> 01:22:21,477
He planned
each charted course
1548
01:22:21,544 --> 01:22:27,316
Each careful step
along the byway
1549
01:22:27,383 --> 01:22:32,254
And more,
much more than this
1550
01:22:32,321 --> 01:22:36,559
He did it his way
1551
01:22:36,625 --> 01:22:37,593
Alec Baldwin!
1552
01:22:37,660 --> 01:22:41,030
- [singing]
For what is a man
1553
01:22:41,097 --> 01:22:43,833
What has he got
1554
01:22:43,899 --> 01:22:48,804
If not himself,
then he has naught
1555
01:22:48,871 --> 01:22:51,507
- [singing]
Just say the things
1556
01:22:51,574 --> 01:22:54,210
You truly feel
1557
01:22:54,276 --> 01:22:57,546
- [singing]
And are the words
1558
01:22:57,613 --> 01:23:00,249
Of one who kneels
1559
01:23:00,316 --> 01:23:02,385
- [singing]
The record shows
1560
01:23:02,451 --> 01:23:05,287
- [singing]
I took the blows
1561
01:23:05,354 --> 01:23:08,524
[both singing]
And did it
1562
01:23:08,591 --> 01:23:15,364
My way
1563
01:23:15,431 --> 01:23:18,467
[cheers and applause]
1564
01:23:23,406 --> 01:23:25,675
- Thank you.
Thank you.
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