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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:15,082 - And though I'm no Olivier, 2 00:00:15,148 --> 00:00:17,417 if he fought Sugar Ray, he would say 3 00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:21,288 that the thing ain't the ring, it's the play. 4 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:25,158 So give me a stage where this bull here can rage, 5 00:00:25,225 --> 00:00:29,162 and though I can fight, I'd much rather recite. 6 00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:32,900 That's entertainment. 7 00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:35,702 - Alec, what are you doing in my dressing room? 8 00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:38,238 - You talking to me? - Alec, don't do that. 9 00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:40,307 What are you, afraid to be yourself? 10 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:43,010 - A little bit, I am. A little bit. 11 00:00:43,076 --> 00:00:45,078 - Shake it off, Alec. This is your night. 12 00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:48,148 Go for it. You can do it. 13 00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:54,922 - You never got me down, Bob. You never got me down, Bob. 14 00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:58,392 - Put that coffee down. 15 00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:01,228 - Pumpkin spice latte? Bob, come on. 16 00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:04,198 - You bitch. We're gonna roast the fuck 17 00:01:04,264 --> 00:01:06,333 out of you tonight. 18 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,503 [cheers and applause] 19 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:15,609 [orchestral music] 20 00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:23,717 [music distorts] 21 00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:30,591 [punk rock music] 22 00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:35,095 - [singing] Regrets, I've had a few 23 00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:40,901 But then again, too few to mention 24 00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:46,106 But I did what I had to do 25 00:01:46,173 --> 00:01:52,212 I saw it through without exemption 26 00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:57,117 I've planned each charted course 27 00:01:57,184 --> 00:02:03,257 Each careful step along the highway 28 00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:07,895 And more, much more than this 29 00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:12,432 I did it my way 30 00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:16,370 - This is the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin. 31 00:02:16,436 --> 00:02:21,675 And now please welcome your roastmaster, Sean Hayes. 32 00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:23,210 [cheers and applause] 33 00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:26,413 [upbeat music] 34 00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:35,322 - Thank you. That's so nice. Thank you, thank you. 35 00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,224 Thank you, everybody. Welcome. 36 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:40,194 Welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin. 37 00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:43,230 [cheers and applause] 38 00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:44,865 They say you only roast the ones you love, 39 00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,667 but tonight we said fuck it. 40 00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:48,101 [laughter] 41 00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:50,103 Alec, I think we can all agree, 42 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,239 is a great actor, an incredible philanthropist, 43 00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:55,342 and a huge dick. 44 00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,511 Can someone please explain to Ken Jeong 45 00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,279 what a huge dick is? 46 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,221 We got right into it. 47 00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:10,691 Uh, it's great to see all the diversity on the stage, though. 48 00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:14,061 We have a gay, trans, black, Asian, mixed. 49 00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:15,529 I don't know whether to roast these people 50 00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,531 or register them to vote. 51 00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:19,933 Okay? 52 00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,503 Let's get to the real reason why we're all here tonight. 53 00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:24,972 To meet Robert De Niro. 54 00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:28,075 [cheers and applause] 55 00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:40,988 Robert, by the way, what's a legend like you 56 00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:42,322 doing at a comedy roast? 57 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,124 I mean, is this the same Robert De Niro 58 00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:48,095 that did "Little Fockers" and "Dirty Grandpa" and... 59 00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:50,597 [laughter] 60 00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:53,367 Yeah, I guess it kind of makes sense, yeah. 61 00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:54,568 I can't wait until someone 62 00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,436 makes you an offer you can refuse. 63 00:04:03,710 --> 00:04:06,680 We've got NBA all-star Blake Griffin tonight. 64 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,549 [cheers and applause] 65 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:16,456 No offense, Blake, but I am a better ball handler than you. 66 00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:20,327 Uh, Caitlyn Jenner is here. 67 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,401 I can't believe you're here, wow. 68 00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:29,369 You've got balls, girl. 69 00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:31,338 Yeah. 70 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,912 Caitlyn, being here tonight is braver 71 00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:40,380 than anything you've ever done. 72 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:43,417 But don't worry, any parts you don't like can be cut. 73 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:57,998 Now, uh, without further a-douche, 74 00:04:58,098 --> 00:04:59,766 let's take a look at Alec's package 75 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:02,402 before it makes any more Baldwins. 76 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:05,038 - Ladies and gentleman, the actor. 77 00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:07,241 [bright music] 78 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,475 [rock music] 79 00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:09,476 - Execute. 80 00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:10,644 Jack Donaghy. 81 00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:12,179 You ask me if I have a God complex? 82 00:05:12,246 --> 00:05:14,615 Put that coffee down. 83 00:05:14,681 --> 00:05:16,450 Cookies are for closers. 84 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:17,618 I am God. 85 00:05:17,684 --> 00:05:20,454 Next time, Jack, write a goddamn memo. 86 00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,856 No one can resist my Schweddy balls. 87 00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:26,960 - That phenomenon of nature called the actor. 88 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,429 - Stella! - What is he? 89 00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:32,266 - Alec Baldwin is the single greatest actor of all time. 90 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,768 both: I love rock and roll 91 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,703 Rock and roll is the devil's music. 92 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:39,606 And they love me way more than they love Alec Baldwin. 93 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,843 - Actors live continually in the glare of the spotlight. 94 00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,278 - Baldwin was kicked off a plane 95 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,647 after refusing to turn off his phone. 96 00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:50,083 - Their comings and goings are reported daily in the press. 97 00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:51,451 - What job did you want to do 98 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,654 that you failed at that you're doing this job? 99 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,356 - For actors, there is no such thing as a private life. 100 00:05:56,423 --> 00:05:59,660 - You are a rude, thoughtless little pig. 101 00:05:59,726 --> 00:06:01,862 I'll give you a reason to be afraid of me! 102 00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:04,598 I'm your host, Alec Baldwin. - [singing] I know the score 103 00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:06,300 - Many a man imagines himself 104 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,368 with his arms around a beautiful actress. 105 00:06:08,435 --> 00:06:10,304 - Don't tire him out too bad on the honeymoon. 106 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,272 I'm gonna kill the bear! 107 00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:18,045 - [singing] USDA certified lean - Oh! 108 00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:19,646 - [singing] I'm the man 109 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,281 - I'm a mighty great white shark, Lemon, 110 00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:23,483 and you are a remora clinging to me 111 00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,319 with your suction cup head. 112 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,222 - [singing] You can't break me down 113 00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:29,489 I got gas in the tank 114 00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:30,691 - I like to do my own dirty work. 115 00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:31,658 - [singing] I got money in the bank 116 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,060 - That's a lot of money, man. 117 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,061 - [singing] I got news for you, baby 118 00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,362 You're looking at the man 119 00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:38,932 - Whoops! Always be closing. 120 00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:41,068 This is not a movie. This is my fucking life. 121 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:45,072 - A star of stage and screen, the one and only Alec Baldwin. 122 00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:47,407 [bright music] 123 00:06:47,474 --> 00:06:50,511 [cheers and applause] 124 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:58,785 - And now the moment only he's been waiting for, Alec Baldwin. 125 00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:04,892 [triumphant music] 126 00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:28,048 Don't worry, Alec, nothing said here tonight 127 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,216 will be meaner than what you left 128 00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:31,151 on your daughter's voice mail. 129 00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,854 [audience groaning] 130 00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:42,596 Alec once said that I was like a brother to him, 131 00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:45,132 which is why we haven't talked in ten years. 132 00:07:45,199 --> 00:07:47,100 [laughter] 133 00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,837 Of course, I wasn't his first choice to host tonight. 134 00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,672 His first choice was Tracy Morgan, 135 00:07:51,738 --> 00:07:53,473 but even Tracy said, 136 00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:55,242 "I'd rather go shopping at Walmart 137 00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:58,078 with the Walmart driver who hit me." 138 00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:03,016 A lot of people think Alec is the best Baldwin brother, 139 00:08:03,050 --> 00:08:05,118 but someone saying you're the best Baldwin brother 140 00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,620 is kind of like your doctor saying, 141 00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:09,823 "Good news, you have the best kind of cancer." 142 00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:16,597 Alec almost got the role of Batman in 1989, 143 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,198 but the part went to Michael Keaton 144 00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:21,101 because he actually had chemistry with Kim Basinger. 145 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,370 [laughter] 146 00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:30,410 - I never thought of that. 147 00:08:30,477 --> 00:08:32,579 - Of course, Alec's true passion 148 00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:34,181 has always been the theater. 149 00:08:34,248 --> 00:08:37,951 Alec loves to hit the stage because it can't press charges. 150 00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,558 Alec used to be a belligerent drunk 151 00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:47,294 before he became a belligerent sober person. 152 00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:52,699 It's true, Alec had a substance abuse problem in the past, 153 00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,401 but he worked through it and hasn't done 154 00:08:54,468 --> 00:08:57,070 anything of substance in 20 years. 155 00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,240 Alec is a romantic. 156 00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,242 He met his first wife on a movie set 157 00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,411 and his second wife on a swing set. 158 00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:15,455 Her name is Hilaria, and what's even more "hilaria" 159 00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:17,758 is they already have four kids together. 160 00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:19,393 But he finally got it right. 161 00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:23,497 His wife is a calming presence and an amazing yoga instructor. 162 00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:26,533 She was able to get Alec into this one position 163 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:30,070 where he has to work until he dies. 164 00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:38,579 The good part about having kids late in life: 165 00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:41,248 young, strong pallbearers. 166 00:09:47,521 --> 00:09:51,458 Now, Alec, sit back, unclench your fists, 167 00:09:51,525 --> 00:09:54,061 and I promise, this will be the funniest thing 168 00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:55,762 you've ever been a part of that Tina Fey 169 00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:57,397 didn't carry you through. 170 00:09:57,464 --> 00:10:00,067 [laughter] 171 00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:07,841 Our first roaster is Nikki Glaser. 172 00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:10,944 [cheers and applause] 173 00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:14,181 If you don't recognize Nikki, it's probably because 174 00:10:14,248 --> 00:10:17,050 you were drunk when you went home with her. 175 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:20,020 Give it up for the person you'll remember as 176 00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:22,990 that lady who went up first, Nikki Glaser. 177 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:27,694 [upbeat music] 178 00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:29,963 - Sean Hayes! 179 00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:31,932 Keep it going for the reason 180 00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:34,601 Mike Pence says we have hurricanes. 181 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:37,304 [laughter] 182 00:10:37,371 --> 00:10:39,573 You look like the little man on top of a wedding cake 183 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,176 that a bakery would refuse to make for you. 184 00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,813 "Will & Grace" was really the best you could do. 185 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,348 It just... 186 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,421 Just Jack! Just Jack is-- 187 00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,456 it's also what I'm gonna do in my hotel room alone 188 00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,358 after sitting next to Blake Griffin all night. 189 00:10:58,425 --> 00:10:59,860 Jesus Christ. 190 00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:03,497 You're so hot. What the fuck? 191 00:11:03,564 --> 00:11:06,433 You're so--I'd fuck you in front of my grandparents. 192 00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,468 I--that's how-- 193 00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:11,505 I almost want to, you know? 194 00:11:11,572 --> 00:11:14,074 I feel like Mimi would be proud. 195 00:11:17,578 --> 00:11:19,279 Blake, you look like a black guy 196 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,215 that got made by a printer running out of ink. 197 00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:22,916 That's-- 198 00:11:28,589 --> 00:11:30,891 Yeah. 199 00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:32,826 Chris Redd is here because Comedy Central 200 00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:35,262 wasn't sure if Blake was black or not. 201 00:11:41,502 --> 00:11:43,470 You look great, Chris. 202 00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,439 Uh, you always dress like a nine-year-old 203 00:11:45,506 --> 00:11:47,808 who just found $1,000 on the sidewalk. 204 00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:50,110 [laughter] 205 00:11:53,514 --> 00:11:55,249 At this point, like, what can you say 206 00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,985 about Jeff Ross that he hasn't heard before? 207 00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,721 It's like--uh, oh. "I respect you." 208 00:12:00,787 --> 00:12:05,158 Um, "You look nice tonight." 209 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,828 "Here's your salad, sir." Stuff like that. 210 00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:12,733 Okay, Jeff, you look like if Popeye only ate Popeye's. 211 00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:15,235 [laughs] 212 00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:16,537 Checks out. 213 00:12:16,603 --> 00:12:20,073 - Come back, no. - No, Jeff, no. 214 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:23,076 Don't break the couch. Your face... 215 00:12:25,479 --> 00:12:27,080 Your face has a dad bod. 216 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,783 Let's-- 217 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:32,286 Jeff gets really hot girls and I just--I don't-- 218 00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,321 how do you get 10s? 219 00:12:34,388 --> 00:12:35,656 Teens, I'm sorry, I read that wrong. 220 00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:37,591 How do you get-- 221 00:12:37,658 --> 00:12:40,194 you have the sex appeal of a gymnastics doctor. 222 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,696 I just don't understand. 223 00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:44,565 [scoffs] 224 00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,802 Robert De Niro is here. 225 00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,208 Looking like ALF. 226 00:12:57,244 --> 00:13:01,114 I can't even believe I get to share this stage 227 00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:03,050 with you tonight, Robert De Niro. 228 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,319 And by this stage, I mean the final one of your life. 229 00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:06,753 It's-- 230 00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,622 [audience groaning] 231 00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:12,893 I'm sorry. 232 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,796 I don't feel right about any of this. 233 00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,965 Caitlyn Jenner, I just want to thank you 234 00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:19,867 for all you've done for the trans movement 235 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:22,703 and the size 16 stiletto industry. 236 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,173 You were such an incredible athlete. 237 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:29,877 People forget just how fast you once ran 238 00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:34,982 from your first family to go be on a reality show. 239 00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:36,750 [laughter] 240 00:13:38,752 --> 00:13:41,889 - I like that one. 241 00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:44,892 - Seriously, though, I know being a new mom is hard. 242 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,729 But even Casey Anthony knows 243 00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:50,831 the current location of her daughter. 244 00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:57,137 - Oh, my God. 245 00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:59,006 - Okay. 246 00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,374 Thank you. 247 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,243 You're a Republican. I don't know why. 248 00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:05,879 You've already gained control over a woman's body. 249 00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:08,048 [laughter] 250 00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:11,185 What does that party have to do to lose your support? 251 00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,120 Be your son? 252 00:14:13,187 --> 00:14:16,623 [audience groaning] 253 00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:19,660 Caitlyn, I know you've only publicly identified 254 00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:22,396 as a woman for a few years, but I just want you to know 255 00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:25,933 that I know that, deep down, you have always been a [...]. 256 00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:27,301 And, uh-- 257 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,369 [laughter] 258 00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:32,072 I spell it with a K, though, for you. 259 00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:37,177 You're great. Thank you, you're great. 260 00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,713 Alec Baldwin, what an honor to be here 261 00:14:39,780 --> 00:14:42,749 roasting Justin Bieber's wife's oldest, fattest uncle. 262 00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:45,919 It's like-- 263 00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:48,422 I'll never forget that voice mail, 264 00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:51,124 um, that--what you called your daughter Ireland 265 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:53,160 a thoughtless little pig. 266 00:14:53,227 --> 00:14:55,462 Um, that's got to be one of the worst things 267 00:14:55,529 --> 00:14:57,097 you can call your daughter. 268 00:14:57,097 --> 00:15:00,167 After Ireland, actually. That's-- 269 00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:03,036 that name, yikes. 270 00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:07,040 Speaking of terrible names, your wife's name is Hilaria. 271 00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:09,109 Is it "Hi-lair-ia"? It's--it's "Hi-lair-ia"? 272 00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:11,445 - "E-lar-ia" - "E-lar-ia"? 273 00:15:11,512 --> 00:15:14,581 Oh, it's so stupid. Okay, um-- 274 00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:16,416 It doesn't matter. She's so hot. 275 00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,285 Dude, she's so hot and fit. 276 00:15:18,352 --> 00:15:21,555 Does getting screamed at burn calories? 277 00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:26,059 You have four kids under the age of six. 278 00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:27,594 I just--how do you do it? 279 00:15:27,661 --> 00:15:30,130 I mean, isn't your semen just oatmeal at this point? 280 00:15:30,197 --> 00:15:33,300 [laughter] 281 00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:36,170 Oh, Robert just got excited when I said "oatmeal." 282 00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,305 He started salivating. 283 00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:40,073 Your-- 284 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,442 your night nurse is warming it up backstage. 285 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:45,145 It'll be ready in the break. 286 00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:47,114 I'm such a fan of the Baldwins. 287 00:15:47,181 --> 00:15:49,283 I've never been so sure that 288 00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:52,085 four people have buried a hooker together. 289 00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:55,355 [laughter] 290 00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:57,658 In all seriousness, I want to thank Alec. 291 00:15:57,724 --> 00:16:00,427 Um, in his memoir, he bravely admitted 292 00:16:00,494 --> 00:16:03,497 that he had once considered suicide. 293 00:16:03,564 --> 00:16:06,567 And I just want to say that that meant a lot to me 294 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,268 because I have also 295 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:09,336 considered your suicide. 296 00:16:09,403 --> 00:16:11,405 And I have some ideas. 297 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,243 I even know what I'm gonna wear. 298 00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:18,879 Alec, thank you so much for having me here tonight. 299 00:16:18,946 --> 00:16:20,314 Thank you. 300 00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:21,782 [cheers and applause] 301 00:16:21,849 --> 00:16:23,050 [upbeat music] 302 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:26,653 - You are fucking funny. Holy shit. 303 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,523 Coming up, Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner, 304 00:16:29,590 --> 00:16:32,426 Adam Carolla, Jeff Ross, Ken Jeong, 305 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:35,462 Caroline Rhea, Robert De Niro, and Blake Griffin. 306 00:16:35,529 --> 00:16:37,364 - Are you gonna do jokes about wanting to fuck me? 307 00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:39,600 - Yeah, now I am. - Okay, good, yes. 308 00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:44,637 [upbeat music] 309 00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:47,507 - Welcome back to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin. 310 00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:49,809 Our next roaster is Blake Griffin. 311 00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:53,313 [cheers and applause] 312 00:16:53,379 --> 00:16:55,215 He almost married Kendall Jenner, 313 00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:56,716 but unfortunately, they're no longer 314 00:16:56,783 --> 00:17:00,220 accepting weirdos in that family. 315 00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:04,224 He's half black, half white, and neither half is funny. 316 00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:05,792 I usually say a third thing, 317 00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:06,793 but I don't know shit about sports. 318 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:07,927 Blake Griffin. 319 00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:13,700 [upbeat music] 320 00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:16,503 - Guys, give it up for Sean Hayes, huh? 321 00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:20,840 Doing a great job. Uh, Sean, you know what? 322 00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:22,809 I'm not gonna stand up here and run a bunch 323 00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:25,278 of hacky gay jokes into the ground, all right? 324 00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,547 I'm not "Will & Grace." 325 00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:30,850 [laughter] 326 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:35,355 Larry Bird is here. I mean Nikki Glaser is here. 327 00:17:35,421 --> 00:17:37,757 - That hurts, Blake. That hurts. 328 00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:40,860 [cheers and applause] 329 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,364 - Uh, you know, the only difference 330 00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,065 between Larry Bird and Nikki Glaser 331 00:17:46,132 --> 00:17:49,569 is Larry could actually pass as 33. 332 00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:51,805 [audience groaning] 333 00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:54,574 - Devastating! 334 00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:56,376 - I'm sorry. You were so nice earlier. 335 00:17:56,442 --> 00:17:57,377 I-- 336 00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:59,112 [laughter] 337 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:02,415 I just--yeah. 338 00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:05,451 Nikki, look at you. 339 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:07,687 You damaged little climber. 340 00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:10,456 [laughter] 341 00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,292 You know, Nikki was the only girl 342 00:18:12,358 --> 00:18:15,061 kicked off Jeffery Epstein's island for networking. 343 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,363 [laughter] 344 00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:21,634 Adam Carolla is here. 345 00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:23,937 [cheers and applause] 346 00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:26,573 You know, Adam looks like the kind of guy 347 00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:28,975 who calls black athletes "thoroughbreds." 348 00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:31,878 [audience groaning] 349 00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:37,484 - Caroline Rhea from "Sabrina" is here, give it up. 350 00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:41,020 Give it up. 351 00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:43,523 Caroline, if you're here, that means Salem the cat 352 00:18:43,590 --> 00:18:45,091 must have turned this down, huh? 353 00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:48,127 [laughter] 354 00:18:48,194 --> 00:18:50,029 Sorry, Mr. De Niro, we know how much 355 00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:51,664 you love that black pussy. 356 00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:54,434 [audience clamoring] 357 00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:05,478 Nice to meet you, by the way. 358 00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:07,213 [laughter] 359 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,883 Big fan. 360 00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:12,218 Chris Redd looks like a police sketch 361 00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:14,621 of someone doing blackface. 362 00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:21,427 You look like Nephew Jemima. 363 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,530 - Oh, shit! 364 00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:24,864 Don't talk about my auntie like that. 365 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,466 - Dude, dude, dude. 366 00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:29,569 - Why do you always look like you just got your braces off? 367 00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:37,644 Speaking of Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner is here. 368 00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:41,748 Uh, uh--I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 369 00:19:41,815 --> 00:19:45,218 Like Caitlyn, my transitions are really awkward. 370 00:19:47,754 --> 00:19:51,324 Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment in 2017, 371 00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:53,893 finally confirming that no one in that family 372 00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:55,762 wants a white dick. 373 00:19:55,829 --> 00:19:58,798 [audience clamoring] 374 00:20:04,504 --> 00:20:06,039 Oh. 375 00:20:13,947 --> 00:20:16,149 - Oh. 376 00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:18,651 - Thought she was coming after me there for a second. 377 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:26,292 Caitlyn's pussy is so young... 378 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,795 - How young is it? 379 00:20:28,862 --> 00:20:31,965 - Alec just called it a rude, thoughtless little pig. 380 00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:39,172 Look, look, for real, I know we're all here 381 00:20:39,239 --> 00:20:40,640 making fun of Caitlyn, but honestly, 382 00:20:40,707 --> 00:20:43,009 I want to take this moment to publicly thank you. 383 00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:46,579 As an athlete, I want to thank you for your bravery. 384 00:20:46,646 --> 00:20:50,917 As a human, I want to thank you for the doors you've opened. 385 00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:53,720 And on behalf of the entire NBA 386 00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:57,891 and half of the rappers on the "Billboard" charts, 387 00:20:58,024 --> 00:20:59,792 I want to thank you for giving your daughters 388 00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:01,661 their daddy issues. 389 00:21:01,728 --> 00:21:03,830 [cheers and applause] 390 00:21:16,042 --> 00:21:20,547 And now the man of the hour, Mr. Alec Baldwin. 391 00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:23,116 Give it up. 392 00:21:23,183 --> 00:21:25,118 Alec, I can tell you're from New York 393 00:21:25,185 --> 00:21:26,352 because just like the Knicks, you've somehow 394 00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:28,321 gotten worse every year since the 90s. 395 00:21:32,492 --> 00:21:34,928 You know, Alec kind of looks like a team owner 396 00:21:35,061 --> 00:21:38,264 that saves money by massaging the players himself. 397 00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:44,804 And I played for Donald Sterling, so... 398 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:48,575 You might think Alec's had an easy life, 399 00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:50,343 but he's had hardships. 400 00:21:50,410 --> 00:21:54,447 He once had someone take his parking spot. 401 00:21:54,514 --> 00:21:56,115 Another time, a flight attendant 402 00:21:56,182 --> 00:22:00,186 asked him to turn his phone off before takeoff. 403 00:22:00,253 --> 00:22:02,121 And according to Alec's reactions, 404 00:22:02,188 --> 00:22:05,358 those are the two worst things to ever happen to him. 405 00:22:05,425 --> 00:22:08,328 [cheers and applause] 406 00:22:08,394 --> 00:22:11,231 In the NBA, we have a term for people like you. 407 00:22:11,297 --> 00:22:14,367 It's a bad teammate. 408 00:22:14,434 --> 00:22:17,570 Like, you were in "Glengarry Glen Ross" 409 00:22:17,637 --> 00:22:19,739 with Kevin Spacey and you couldn't even tell him 410 00:22:19,806 --> 00:22:22,942 that ABC doesn't mean "always blow children"? 411 00:22:23,042 --> 00:22:25,512 [audience clamoring] 412 00:22:31,251 --> 00:22:33,052 I would have told him. 413 00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:35,155 Uh, but you know what, I'm happy I'm here tonight 414 00:22:35,221 --> 00:22:37,257 because tonight I learned you're a family man, 415 00:22:37,323 --> 00:22:39,993 you give to charity, and you're a big enough man 416 00:22:39,993 --> 00:22:41,995 to sit up here and let us roast you. 417 00:22:42,061 --> 00:22:45,131 You truly are a kind, thoughtful little pig. 418 00:22:45,198 --> 00:22:47,233 [cheers and applause] 419 00:22:47,300 --> 00:22:50,036 [upbeat music] 420 00:22:50,103 --> 00:22:54,374 - Coming up, Caitlyn Jenner and Caroline Rhea. 421 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,010 - Dude, it's about to happen. This shit's gonna get real. 422 00:22:58,745 --> 00:23:01,782 [upbeat music] 423 00:23:01,848 --> 00:23:05,352 - Our next roaster is Caroline Rhea. 424 00:23:05,419 --> 00:23:06,853 Yes. 425 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:08,422 [cheers and applause] 426 00:23:08,488 --> 00:23:11,858 Remember the hot aunt from "Sabrina the Teenage Witch"? 427 00:23:13,894 --> 00:23:17,230 We got the other one. 428 00:23:17,297 --> 00:23:19,266 She's had a pretty tough year, 429 00:23:19,332 --> 00:23:21,968 what with all the Dress Barns closing. 430 00:23:22,035 --> 00:23:24,671 [laughter] 431 00:23:24,738 --> 00:23:26,273 But she just flew in on the world's 432 00:23:26,339 --> 00:23:29,075 strongest broomstick, Caroline Rhea. 433 00:23:29,142 --> 00:23:32,779 [upbeat music] 434 00:23:36,716 --> 00:23:39,753 - Oh, yes. 435 00:23:39,820 --> 00:23:41,588 I know what you're thinking. It's Amy Schumer 436 00:23:41,655 --> 00:23:43,890 with the old-age face app. 437 00:23:53,834 --> 00:23:55,368 Sean Hayes is going to be hard to top, 438 00:23:55,435 --> 00:23:57,971 but plenty of men have managed to do it. 439 00:24:00,674 --> 00:24:03,043 Alec, where are your brothers tonight? 440 00:24:03,110 --> 00:24:05,145 God knows they're not working. 441 00:24:10,851 --> 00:24:13,386 Let's face it. No one wants to be here. 442 00:24:13,453 --> 00:24:14,988 The person who went to the greatest lengths 443 00:24:14,988 --> 00:24:18,091 to not show up tonight was Bruce Jenner. 444 00:24:21,361 --> 00:24:23,530 - Yay. 445 00:24:23,597 --> 00:24:25,999 - Caitlyn Jenner, proof that older women in Hollywood 446 00:24:26,032 --> 00:24:27,868 get fewer parts. 447 00:24:32,172 --> 00:24:34,007 You transitioned in your 60s. 448 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,877 Way to get in on the glory years, yeah. 449 00:24:39,312 --> 00:24:44,017 And out of the glory holes. Um... 450 00:24:44,050 --> 00:24:46,219 I actually respect that you fully transitioned 451 00:24:46,286 --> 00:24:49,022 instead of stopping halfway like Sean Hayes. 452 00:24:49,055 --> 00:24:52,759 [laughter] 453 00:24:52,826 --> 00:24:56,663 Dr. Ken Jeong is here, yes. 454 00:24:56,730 --> 00:24:58,565 That's right, Ken is a licensed doctor 455 00:24:58,632 --> 00:25:00,767 who went through years and years of higher education 456 00:25:00,834 --> 00:25:02,402 and yet still thought the Unicorn 457 00:25:02,469 --> 00:25:04,971 on "The Masked Singer" was Beyoncé. 458 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,075 Yeah. 459 00:25:09,142 --> 00:25:10,444 So likely. 460 00:25:10,510 --> 00:25:12,379 Was it an online medical degree? 461 00:25:12,446 --> 00:25:14,414 Oh. 462 00:25:14,481 --> 00:25:16,616 Did you become a doctor so you could find your own penis 463 00:25:16,683 --> 00:25:18,452 because God knows no one else was looking for it? 464 00:25:18,518 --> 00:25:21,888 No. Oh. 465 00:25:21,988 --> 00:25:25,992 Speaking of shrimp, I saw your special on Netflix and, um, 466 00:25:26,059 --> 00:25:28,395 did not know they filmed open mics. 467 00:25:28,462 --> 00:25:30,831 So. Whoa! 468 00:25:35,802 --> 00:25:38,338 Jeff Ross, you are a staple on the roasting circuit 469 00:25:38,405 --> 00:25:41,007 and a predator at high school dances. 470 00:25:43,643 --> 00:25:45,846 Jeff, you are one fat Jewish man. 471 00:25:45,912 --> 00:25:47,180 I feel like you really took 472 00:25:47,247 --> 00:25:49,850 "let my people go" out of context. 473 00:25:56,823 --> 00:25:59,693 Nikki Glaser, it has been driving me crazy all night. 474 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:03,263 Which 1970s male Olympian did you used to be? 475 00:26:12,973 --> 00:26:15,342 Nikki, you were an inspiration on "Dancing with the Stars." 476 00:26:15,408 --> 00:26:17,644 I had no idea you were deaf. 477 00:26:25,185 --> 00:26:26,653 On your TV show, you asked your parents 478 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:28,321 if they had ever done anal. 479 00:26:28,388 --> 00:26:30,323 And of course, they said, "After Nikki was born, 480 00:26:30,390 --> 00:26:32,225 we only did anal." 481 00:26:39,232 --> 00:26:41,201 Chris Redd is here, which I can only assume 482 00:26:41,268 --> 00:26:43,170 has something to do with Make-A-Wish. 483 00:26:49,643 --> 00:26:51,278 What can you say about Adam Carolla 484 00:26:51,344 --> 00:26:53,547 that he won't tell you in an insufferable tirade 485 00:26:53,613 --> 00:26:55,449 he's trapped you in? 486 00:26:58,318 --> 00:27:00,353 Robert De Niro. 487 00:27:00,420 --> 00:27:03,824 [cheers and applause] 488 00:27:03,957 --> 00:27:06,793 You have a big movie coming out with Al Pacino and Joe Pesci. 489 00:27:06,860 --> 00:27:08,261 It's three and a half hours long. 490 00:27:08,328 --> 00:27:10,664 Is it just about you guys trying to pee? 491 00:27:19,973 --> 00:27:22,175 Alec and I have known each other for 25 years. 492 00:27:22,242 --> 00:27:24,444 One time, when I was doing "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" 493 00:27:24,511 --> 00:27:27,581 and he was doing Hilaria, the teenage yoga instructor. 494 00:27:27,647 --> 00:27:29,983 [laughter] 495 00:27:36,456 --> 00:27:38,291 Your wife, Hilaria, is in great shape, 496 00:27:38,358 --> 00:27:39,659 but who wouldn't be after pushing around 497 00:27:39,726 --> 00:27:42,863 a 200-pound baby all day? 498 00:27:42,996 --> 00:27:45,365 She's the boss, baby! 499 00:27:49,402 --> 00:27:52,305 Alec Baldwin was a busboy at Studio 54, 500 00:27:52,372 --> 00:27:56,176 which means he had to clean up jizz and coke every night, 501 00:27:56,243 --> 00:27:57,811 which is exactly what Nikki Glaser 502 00:27:57,944 --> 00:27:59,513 looks for in a shampoo. 503 00:28:07,454 --> 00:28:12,292 Oh, Alec, you're the only fat vegetarian I know. 504 00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:14,361 Alec is also an animal rights activist. 505 00:28:14,428 --> 00:28:16,263 He was instrumental in closing down 506 00:28:16,329 --> 00:28:17,964 the Ringling Brothers Circus. 507 00:28:18,031 --> 00:28:19,232 [cheers and applause] 508 00:28:19,299 --> 00:28:21,468 It's true. 509 00:28:21,535 --> 00:28:22,669 The animals were fine, 510 00:28:22,736 --> 00:28:24,337 but three clowns lost their jobs. 511 00:28:24,404 --> 00:28:26,406 Steven, Billy, and Daniel. 512 00:28:29,409 --> 00:28:31,278 Honestly, Alec, it's an honor to be here for you tonight. 513 00:28:31,344 --> 00:28:32,646 It's an honor to be your friend. 514 00:28:32,712 --> 00:28:34,281 I love you like a brother. Like a real brother. 515 00:28:34,347 --> 00:28:35,649 Thank you. 516 00:28:35,715 --> 00:28:36,650 [cheers and applause] 517 00:28:36,716 --> 00:28:38,151 [upbeat music] 518 00:28:38,218 --> 00:28:42,322 - That was fucking funny. Thank you, that was great. 519 00:28:42,389 --> 00:28:44,724 Still to come, Ireland Baldwin... 520 00:28:44,791 --> 00:28:48,462 - My precious little buttercup. - And Chris Redd. 521 00:28:48,528 --> 00:28:51,298 - Alec, you don't even know what's coming, man. 522 00:28:51,364 --> 00:28:52,899 Thank you for having me on here, 523 00:28:52,999 --> 00:28:54,568 and now, I'ma get in that ass. 524 00:28:55,178 --> 00:29:00,350 [upbeat music] 525 00:29:01,383 --> 00:29:04,053 - Oh, my God. 526 00:29:04,119 --> 00:29:05,688 Comedy Central has brought us 527 00:29:05,754 --> 00:29:08,023 some amazing young black talent over the years. 528 00:29:08,090 --> 00:29:10,659 Dave Chappelle, Key and Peele, Trevor Noah. 529 00:29:10,726 --> 00:29:13,195 But we're ending that tradition now with Chris Redd. 530 00:29:13,262 --> 00:29:15,564 [laughter] 531 00:29:15,631 --> 00:29:17,266 He's been on "SNL" for a few years, 532 00:29:17,333 --> 00:29:19,168 but he's making his television debut tonight. 533 00:29:19,235 --> 00:29:21,103 Chris Redd. 534 00:29:21,170 --> 00:29:26,609 [upbeat music] 535 00:29:26,675 --> 00:29:29,311 - Yeah. 536 00:29:29,378 --> 00:29:31,213 Yeah. 537 00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:34,116 Give it up for Sean "hazed a lot in high school," everybody. 538 00:29:34,183 --> 00:29:36,285 Ain't he the gayest? 539 00:29:36,352 --> 00:29:38,420 Now, I am the least-known person on this dais 540 00:29:38,487 --> 00:29:40,189 and some people are like, "Who the hell are you?" 541 00:29:40,256 --> 00:29:41,657 And I'm gonna tell you who I am. 542 00:29:41,724 --> 00:29:44,126 I'm the only person in 44 seasons of "SNL" 543 00:29:44,193 --> 00:29:46,729 to actually show up for Alec Baldwin ass. 544 00:29:52,301 --> 00:29:55,704 And for the last time, Alec, man, I am not Michael Che. 545 00:29:55,771 --> 00:29:58,040 [...], stop calling me that. 546 00:30:00,342 --> 00:30:03,646 Blake, you've got the dumbest face. 547 00:30:03,712 --> 00:30:06,382 You look like a rhinoceros looking for his own horn. 548 00:30:06,448 --> 00:30:09,451 Where is that? Up there, down there? 549 00:30:09,518 --> 00:30:13,489 Little two-eyed cyclops. I don't like it. 550 00:30:13,556 --> 00:30:15,658 Blake, you look like nine different races 551 00:30:15,724 --> 00:30:17,059 all working together to make sure 552 00:30:17,092 --> 00:30:19,128 you never win a championship. 553 00:30:19,195 --> 00:30:22,164 [laughter] 554 00:30:22,231 --> 00:30:25,067 Hey, Caitlyn. 555 00:30:25,134 --> 00:30:26,468 You goddamn hypocrite. 556 00:30:26,535 --> 00:30:28,070 You're, like, against gay marriage. 557 00:30:28,070 --> 00:30:29,438 You voted for Trump. 558 00:30:29,505 --> 00:30:31,473 You're like the Auntie Tom of the trans community. 559 00:30:34,610 --> 00:30:36,679 I mean, okay. 560 00:30:40,349 --> 00:30:42,184 I mean, you did open the door for trans people. 561 00:30:42,251 --> 00:30:44,253 But then you ran in and slammed that shit shut 562 00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:45,855 behind your flat ass. 563 00:30:45,921 --> 00:30:48,157 [cheers and applause] 564 00:30:50,793 --> 00:30:53,429 I like these jokes. 565 00:30:53,496 --> 00:30:56,332 Caroline looks like she leaves her baby in a hot car 566 00:30:56,398 --> 00:30:58,467 to meet firemen. 567 00:31:01,036 --> 00:31:03,138 Look at you over there. 568 00:31:03,205 --> 00:31:05,341 Looking like Caitlyn Jenner got a sex change 569 00:31:05,407 --> 00:31:08,377 at a Build-A-Bear workshop. 570 00:31:08,444 --> 00:31:12,882 Very progressive store. Very progressive. 571 00:31:14,850 --> 00:31:16,819 Jeff Ross looks like Caitlyn's old dick 572 00:31:16,886 --> 00:31:18,354 coming back to haunt her. 573 00:31:24,894 --> 00:31:26,762 But at least it put a suit on, baby. 574 00:31:26,829 --> 00:31:29,098 That's nice. 575 00:31:29,165 --> 00:31:30,900 Adam Carolla's here. 576 00:31:30,966 --> 00:31:32,501 Adam really tells it like it is 577 00:31:32,568 --> 00:31:35,237 if you're also an insecure white supremacist. 578 00:31:35,304 --> 00:31:38,207 [cheers and applause] 579 00:31:38,274 --> 00:31:39,942 I saw you on "Dancing with the Stars," girl. 580 00:31:40,075 --> 00:31:43,512 You got two left hooves, don't you? 581 00:31:43,579 --> 00:31:46,081 Watching Nikki salsa dance was the worst thing 582 00:31:46,081 --> 00:31:47,817 a white person has done to Puerto Ricans 583 00:31:47,883 --> 00:31:50,686 since Trump threw paper towels at them. 584 00:31:58,627 --> 00:32:00,429 Robert De Niro, baby! 585 00:32:00,496 --> 00:32:03,866 It's an honor to be up here with you, man. 586 00:32:03,933 --> 00:32:06,836 And to follow up on our conversation backstage, 587 00:32:06,902 --> 00:32:08,037 no, I have not been on your lawn. 588 00:32:08,070 --> 00:32:10,239 I don't know where you live. 589 00:32:10,306 --> 00:32:12,308 But I do know your ex-wife owns that house now. 590 00:32:12,374 --> 00:32:14,577 You know what I mean? 591 00:32:14,643 --> 00:32:16,579 Once you go black, you never go back. 592 00:32:16,645 --> 00:32:18,080 But you go broke. Right, Bobby? 593 00:32:18,147 --> 00:32:20,583 Yeah? Yeah? 594 00:32:20,649 --> 00:32:22,785 You old, you old, you old, you old. 595 00:32:22,852 --> 00:32:25,354 It's okay. 596 00:32:25,421 --> 00:32:28,224 Robert, man, you've given us so many amazing performances. 597 00:32:28,290 --> 00:32:29,692 "Goodfellas," "Awakenings." 598 00:32:29,758 --> 00:32:32,428 But tonight, man, it's gonna be the best one yet. 599 00:32:32,495 --> 00:32:34,063 It's gonna be the old Italian man 600 00:32:34,063 --> 00:32:35,598 trying to figure out trans pronouns 601 00:32:35,664 --> 00:32:37,766 in front of a live studio audience. 602 00:32:44,473 --> 00:32:46,375 Speaking of people that cut my screen time 603 00:32:46,442 --> 00:32:47,543 every Saturday night, 604 00:32:47,610 --> 00:32:50,246 Alec motherfucking Baldwin, baby. 605 00:32:50,312 --> 00:32:51,814 [cheers and applause] 606 00:32:51,881 --> 00:32:54,884 Please give it up right now for this Emmy-winning, 607 00:32:55,017 --> 00:32:59,655 bread-faced river pig. Give it up. 608 00:32:59,722 --> 00:33:01,790 - What? 609 00:33:01,857 --> 00:33:04,426 - Honestly, Alec, we got a lot in common, man, you know? 610 00:33:04,493 --> 00:33:06,495 We both work on "SNL." 611 00:33:06,562 --> 00:33:09,665 We both fuck women my age. 612 00:33:09,732 --> 00:33:11,467 And we both have to check Instagram 613 00:33:11,534 --> 00:33:13,402 to see what your daughter's up to. 614 00:33:16,238 --> 00:33:17,706 I'm just-- 615 00:33:17,773 --> 00:33:20,309 I'm just trying to be the first black man in Ireland. 616 00:33:20,376 --> 00:33:22,044 You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about? 617 00:33:22,044 --> 00:33:23,512 You know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about. 618 00:33:23,579 --> 00:33:25,047 You know what I'm talking about. 619 00:33:25,047 --> 00:33:27,249 She know what I'm talking about. 620 00:33:27,316 --> 00:33:30,052 I'm just playing. I'm not the first, but... 621 00:33:32,688 --> 00:33:34,190 Alec once said black people love him 622 00:33:34,256 --> 00:33:35,925 because he plays Trump on "SNL," 623 00:33:36,058 --> 00:33:38,160 and that is not why we like you, Alec. 624 00:33:38,227 --> 00:33:39,428 We like you because you have 625 00:33:39,495 --> 00:33:41,096 the same eye color and temperament 626 00:33:41,163 --> 00:33:43,766 of every pit bull that we've loved and had to put down. 627 00:33:45,701 --> 00:33:47,903 I miss you, Tiki. 628 00:33:47,970 --> 00:33:51,173 She used to bark at kids too, you know? 629 00:33:52,775 --> 00:33:55,144 But honestly, Alec, man, I admire you, dog. 630 00:33:55,211 --> 00:33:57,146 You've punched paparazzi, you've yelled at cops, 631 00:33:57,213 --> 00:33:59,014 and you've lived to tell about it. 632 00:33:59,048 --> 00:34:01,016 And you had me here on this roast. 633 00:34:01,016 --> 00:34:02,852 That means a whole lot to me, man. 634 00:34:02,918 --> 00:34:04,320 You my nigga, Alec. 635 00:34:04,386 --> 00:34:07,857 Don't say it back, though. Do not say it back. 636 00:34:07,923 --> 00:34:09,725 [upbeat music] 637 00:34:09,792 --> 00:34:11,594 - You're fucking funny, man. 638 00:34:11,660 --> 00:34:13,195 You killed it. 639 00:34:15,397 --> 00:34:17,466 Still to come, Ken Jeong... 640 00:34:17,533 --> 00:34:19,101 - You're gonna crush it. - Fuck you. 641 00:34:19,168 --> 00:34:20,603 Oh, you said something nice. 642 00:34:20,669 --> 00:34:23,305 - And Caitlyn Jenner. - I'm coming for you. 643 00:34:25,107 --> 00:34:28,744 [upbeat music] 644 00:34:28,811 --> 00:34:30,479 - Welcome back to the Comedy Central Roast 645 00:34:30,546 --> 00:34:31,513 of Alec Baldwin. 646 00:34:31,580 --> 00:34:33,849 Tonight I'm happy to announce 647 00:34:33,916 --> 00:34:36,051 Alec Baldwin and Comedy Central have joined 648 00:34:36,118 --> 00:34:38,554 to donate $1 million to a wonderful charity 649 00:34:38,620 --> 00:34:40,189 called Exploring the Arts. 650 00:34:40,255 --> 00:34:43,125 [cheers and applause] 651 00:34:43,192 --> 00:34:45,194 They're great. 652 00:34:45,260 --> 00:34:47,696 Exploring the Arts is an arts education nonprofit 653 00:34:47,763 --> 00:34:49,665 founded by the one and only Tony Bennett 654 00:34:49,731 --> 00:34:51,967 and his wife, Susan Benedetto. 655 00:34:52,034 --> 00:34:54,269 Yes, amazing. 656 00:34:54,336 --> 00:34:58,474 And a good friend of Tony's has something to say to Alec. 657 00:34:58,540 --> 00:35:01,410 - Hey, everybody. It's LG here. 658 00:35:01,477 --> 00:35:03,612 I hope you don't mind me interrupting 659 00:35:03,679 --> 00:35:06,782 the little lovefest you've got going on 660 00:35:06,849 --> 00:35:10,185 to let you know how happy my pal Tony Bennett 661 00:35:10,252 --> 00:35:15,357 and I are that something good is coming out of all of this. 662 00:35:15,424 --> 00:35:17,359 With all the arts funding being cut 663 00:35:17,426 --> 00:35:20,863 out of public schools, Tony Bennett and his wife 664 00:35:20,929 --> 00:35:24,500 founded Exploring the Arts in order to make a difference 665 00:35:24,566 --> 00:35:26,368 by supporting public high schools 666 00:35:26,435 --> 00:35:29,505 and their students to enhance their education 667 00:35:29,571 --> 00:35:33,208 with extensive exposure to all of the creative arts. 668 00:35:33,275 --> 00:35:35,644 Because where would we be without art? 669 00:35:35,711 --> 00:35:39,114 So, Alec, as they continue to destroy you tonight, 670 00:35:39,181 --> 00:35:41,750 just remember that it's all for a cause 671 00:35:41,817 --> 00:35:44,119 near and dear to our hearts. 672 00:35:44,186 --> 00:35:49,525 Love all of you very much. Have a good night being mean. 673 00:35:49,591 --> 00:35:51,026 [cheers and applause] 674 00:35:51,093 --> 00:35:53,529 - Well, she's not Lady Haha. 675 00:35:58,433 --> 00:36:03,038 Our next roaster is Caitlyn Jenner, LGBTQ icon. 676 00:36:03,105 --> 00:36:06,442 [cheers and applause] 677 00:36:06,508 --> 00:36:07,743 Her daughter Kylie 678 00:36:07,810 --> 00:36:09,645 sold a billion dollars worth of makeup, 679 00:36:09,711 --> 00:36:12,381 and she's here wearing all of it tonight. 680 00:36:15,284 --> 00:36:17,186 Give her a big hand even though she already has two of them. 681 00:36:17,252 --> 00:36:18,954 Caitlyn Jenner. 682 00:36:19,054 --> 00:36:25,994 [upbeat music] 683 00:36:26,028 --> 00:36:29,164 - Oh, oh. That was funny. 684 00:36:29,231 --> 00:36:32,301 [people cheering] 685 00:36:32,367 --> 00:36:35,437 Take a good look, kids. 686 00:36:35,504 --> 00:36:37,272 This is what happens 687 00:36:37,339 --> 00:36:40,409 when you eat your Wheaties every morning. 688 00:36:40,476 --> 00:36:42,644 [laughter] 689 00:36:47,015 --> 00:36:50,385 Sean, you're doing a great job. 690 00:36:50,452 --> 00:36:52,921 The only thing working harder than you right now 691 00:36:53,021 --> 00:36:55,090 are my Spanx, baby. 692 00:36:55,157 --> 00:36:57,326 [laughter] 693 00:36:57,392 --> 00:36:59,828 All of you are making these silly comments and jokes 694 00:36:59,895 --> 00:37:01,830 about how I kind of... 695 00:37:01,897 --> 00:37:04,032 cut it off. 696 00:37:04,099 --> 00:37:05,801 Let me remind you. 697 00:37:05,868 --> 00:37:08,470 It made Kylie Jenner, 698 00:37:08,537 --> 00:37:11,340 the youngest self-made billionaire in history. 699 00:37:11,406 --> 00:37:13,876 [cheers and applause] 700 00:37:15,377 --> 00:37:17,579 It made Kendall Jenner, 701 00:37:17,646 --> 00:37:22,084 the highest-paid model in the world. 702 00:37:22,151 --> 00:37:24,887 I raised ten children. 703 00:37:24,987 --> 00:37:29,691 I currently--well, I'm coming up on 20 grandchildren. 704 00:37:29,758 --> 00:37:34,229 I didn't cut it off. I just retired it. 705 00:37:34,296 --> 00:37:35,631 It was done! 706 00:37:41,470 --> 00:37:43,605 You know, as I look back and forth, 707 00:37:43,672 --> 00:37:46,341 I'm not the only one up here who's transitioned. 708 00:37:46,408 --> 00:37:48,343 I used to be Bruce Jenner, 709 00:37:48,410 --> 00:37:55,017 and Robert De Niro used to be Robert fucking De Niro! 710 00:37:57,719 --> 00:38:01,156 You call yourself an actor, Robert. 711 00:38:01,223 --> 00:38:06,361 For 60 years, I had everybody convinced I was a man. 712 00:38:06,428 --> 00:38:09,331 Now, that's acting. 713 00:38:17,139 --> 00:38:23,378 Ken Jeong, is it true your wife is named Tran Ho? 714 00:38:24,413 --> 00:38:26,048 Oh, I want to meet her! 715 00:38:26,115 --> 00:38:28,484 I mean, I'm waiting. I can't wait. 716 00:38:30,219 --> 00:38:33,122 I'll also want to say hello to Kendall's ex. 717 00:38:33,188 --> 00:38:34,990 You don't even have to say his name. 718 00:38:34,990 --> 00:38:36,325 It's just Kendall's ex. 719 00:38:36,391 --> 00:38:38,794 Anyway, Blake Griffin, Blake. 720 00:38:40,429 --> 00:38:44,199 Los Angeles to Detroit. 721 00:38:44,266 --> 00:38:45,467 Let me tell you, I can tell you 722 00:38:45,534 --> 00:38:48,237 a thing or two about switching teams. 723 00:38:50,339 --> 00:38:53,008 Yeah, you're a nice boy, and although it didn't work out 724 00:38:53,041 --> 00:38:55,277 between the two of you, you're always kind of welcome 725 00:38:55,344 --> 00:38:57,579 to come over to my home 726 00:38:57,646 --> 00:38:58,847 and know that you're the second-best 727 00:38:58,914 --> 00:39:00,716 athlete in the house. 728 00:39:10,025 --> 00:39:12,928 Look, there's a lot of hate in the world, 729 00:39:13,028 --> 00:39:15,931 but we can still laugh at ourselves. 730 00:39:16,031 --> 00:39:18,367 And honestly, that's why I'm here tonight. 731 00:39:18,433 --> 00:39:23,205 I've seen it all. I've even gotten threats. 732 00:39:23,272 --> 00:39:26,208 And I want other members of the trans community to know 733 00:39:26,275 --> 00:39:30,579 that if I'm strong enough to sit up here 734 00:39:30,646 --> 00:39:35,284 and be ridiculed all night that you can handle anything. 735 00:39:35,350 --> 00:39:38,821 [cheers and applause] 736 00:39:43,358 --> 00:39:47,429 Except listening to Adam Carolla's podcast. 737 00:39:47,496 --> 00:39:51,200 Oh, my God. That's torture. 738 00:39:55,370 --> 00:39:57,439 Adam Carolla is so boring. 739 00:39:57,506 --> 00:40:01,076 I've never seen a drier pussy in my life. 740 00:40:03,011 --> 00:40:05,848 And that's coming from me! 741 00:40:07,282 --> 00:40:09,818 You see, Adam? 742 00:40:09,885 --> 00:40:12,087 Women are funny. 743 00:40:18,727 --> 00:40:23,031 What can I say? I'm here because I love Alec. 744 00:40:23,031 --> 00:40:25,634 Yes, actually, 745 00:40:25,701 --> 00:40:30,105 I've known Alec for a long time and I consider him family. 746 00:40:30,172 --> 00:40:31,840 We go back. When I was Bruce, 747 00:40:31,974 --> 00:40:33,475 we were like brothers. 748 00:40:33,542 --> 00:40:35,310 So, well, I guess that's one more brother 749 00:40:35,377 --> 00:40:37,546 he'll never talk to again. 750 00:40:42,985 --> 00:40:44,753 To get serious about this, look. 751 00:40:44,820 --> 00:40:48,690 Some of you hate me just because I'm me. 752 00:40:48,757 --> 00:40:50,325 Some of you hate me because of 753 00:40:50,392 --> 00:40:52,528 the things I may have said in the past. 754 00:40:52,594 --> 00:40:55,264 Well, hey, I'm not perfect. 755 00:40:55,330 --> 00:40:58,033 I'm a person trying to figure out my life, 756 00:40:58,100 --> 00:41:00,302 just like everyone else. 757 00:41:00,369 --> 00:41:03,539 All I want is for future generations 758 00:41:03,605 --> 00:41:06,175 of transgendered people to know 759 00:41:06,241 --> 00:41:10,112 that if I can find the courage to be who I am, 760 00:41:10,179 --> 00:41:13,048 then you can too. 761 00:41:13,115 --> 00:41:14,716 [cheers and applause] 762 00:41:14,783 --> 00:41:16,485 If-- 763 00:41:19,087 --> 00:41:22,524 If you have a problem with that, 764 00:41:22,591 --> 00:41:25,194 then you can suck my dick. 765 00:41:25,260 --> 00:41:28,497 [cheers and applause] 766 00:41:28,564 --> 00:41:31,400 If you can find it! 767 00:41:32,501 --> 00:41:34,369 Thank you! 768 00:41:34,436 --> 00:41:36,672 [upbeat music] 769 00:41:36,738 --> 00:41:39,108 - Good stuff. Good stuff. 770 00:41:40,442 --> 00:41:43,812 Coming up, Robert De Niro and Ken Jeong. 771 00:41:43,879 --> 00:41:46,748 - We'll be slurring, drunk, and racial slurs. 772 00:41:46,815 --> 00:41:49,284 [both singing] Racial slurs! 773 00:41:51,053 --> 00:41:55,224 [upbeat music] 774 00:41:55,290 --> 00:41:57,993 - Welcome back to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin. 775 00:41:58,060 --> 00:41:59,828 They say laughter is the best medicine, 776 00:41:59,895 --> 00:42:03,932 which explains why Dr. Ken is no longer practicing. 777 00:42:03,999 --> 00:42:05,401 In his head, he's a doctor, 778 00:42:05,467 --> 00:42:07,369 but in his crotch, he's a shrink. 779 00:42:07,436 --> 00:42:09,738 [laughter] 780 00:42:09,805 --> 00:42:11,340 Count backward from 100, 781 00:42:11,407 --> 00:42:14,676 and we'll wake you when this painful procedure is over. 782 00:42:14,743 --> 00:42:17,780 Give it up for Hackie Chan, Ken Jeong. 783 00:42:17,846 --> 00:42:18,947 [upbeat music] 784 00:42:19,014 --> 00:42:21,717 - [singing] We about to blow 785 00:42:21,784 --> 00:42:23,185 We about to blow 786 00:42:23,252 --> 00:42:24,887 [cheers and applause] 787 00:42:24,953 --> 00:42:27,623 We about to blow 788 00:42:29,024 --> 00:42:31,693 - Thank you so much. It is so great to be here. 789 00:42:31,760 --> 00:42:33,662 I'm on--I'm a judge on "The Masked Singer," 790 00:42:33,729 --> 00:42:35,798 so it's nice to be on another show 791 00:42:35,864 --> 00:42:40,202 where you have to guess who the celebrities are, so... 792 00:42:40,269 --> 00:42:42,638 Caitlyn Jenner. Okay, oh, boy, strap it on. 793 00:42:42,704 --> 00:42:45,541 Um... 794 00:42:45,607 --> 00:42:48,544 I can see why Caitlyn decided to transition. 795 00:42:48,610 --> 00:42:51,146 She's been a celebrity craving privacy, 796 00:42:51,213 --> 00:42:55,350 so she became something that society was destined to ignore: 797 00:42:55,417 --> 00:43:00,155 a 70-year-old woman. Now... 798 00:43:00,222 --> 00:43:01,824 I'm kidding. You look great. 799 00:43:01,957 --> 00:43:03,559 You look like the drummer for White Snake. 800 00:43:03,625 --> 00:43:05,360 I don't know what-- 801 00:43:05,427 --> 00:43:07,396 [laughs] 802 00:43:09,531 --> 00:43:12,868 Robert De Niro, one of our generation's finest actors. 803 00:43:12,968 --> 00:43:15,971 But let's face it, your recent movies have been so shitty, 804 00:43:15,971 --> 00:43:18,173 I'm surprised I'm not in them. 805 00:43:18,240 --> 00:43:20,409 Now... 806 00:43:20,476 --> 00:43:23,245 Blake Griffin, a black guy who looks white 807 00:43:23,312 --> 00:43:24,813 with red hair and freckles. 808 00:43:24,880 --> 00:43:27,216 And by the way, congrats on booking "The Little Mermaid." 809 00:43:27,282 --> 00:43:28,984 Now... 810 00:43:31,653 --> 00:43:34,189 I look at Blake and I think, hmm. 811 00:43:34,256 --> 00:43:38,994 Orange is the new black. Yeah. 812 00:43:41,363 --> 00:43:43,165 Yeah. 813 00:43:43,232 --> 00:43:46,268 Caroline Rhea. 814 00:43:46,335 --> 00:43:47,870 [laughter] 815 00:43:48,003 --> 00:43:49,938 You look like Adele. 816 00:43:49,938 --> 00:43:52,441 Computer. Now... 817 00:43:52,508 --> 00:43:55,477 [laughter] 818 00:43:55,544 --> 00:43:57,646 Alec's wife is so young, 819 00:43:57,713 --> 00:44:00,082 he introduces them as "23 and me." 820 00:44:00,149 --> 00:44:01,350 Now... 821 00:44:04,119 --> 00:44:06,422 Alec's daughter Ireland is here. 822 00:44:06,488 --> 00:44:08,223 She might as well be named Zimbabwe, 823 00:44:08,290 --> 00:44:09,725 given the distance between them. 824 00:44:09,792 --> 00:44:10,859 Am I right? 825 00:44:14,696 --> 00:44:17,032 But we're really here to celebrate the real star 826 00:44:17,099 --> 00:44:19,101 of "30 Rock" and "SNL," 827 00:44:19,168 --> 00:44:22,137 but let's be honest, Tina Fey said no. 828 00:44:23,839 --> 00:44:26,175 Alec, no offense, but you weren't the star of "30 Rock." 829 00:44:26,241 --> 00:44:28,477 And with De Niro here, you're not even the star 830 00:44:28,544 --> 00:44:29,812 of your own fucking roast, you know? 831 00:44:29,878 --> 00:44:33,415 It's like-- and it's like, I'm sorry. 832 00:44:33,482 --> 00:44:34,650 You know what I mean? 833 00:44:34,716 --> 00:44:37,853 [cheers and applause] 834 00:44:37,986 --> 00:44:40,055 And, like, with Justin Bieber as your nephew, 835 00:44:40,122 --> 00:44:41,724 you're not even the star of your own fucking family. 836 00:44:41,790 --> 00:44:44,026 It's just like-- 837 00:44:44,093 --> 00:44:45,194 It's sad-- 838 00:44:45,260 --> 00:44:46,528 [mimicking Alec as Trump] Sad! 839 00:44:46,595 --> 00:44:47,629 Or whatever you do. 840 00:44:50,566 --> 00:44:52,735 Alec, in all seriousness, I first met you 841 00:44:52,801 --> 00:44:55,771 at a Stand Up to Cancer benefit a few years ago 842 00:44:55,838 --> 00:44:57,206 where you hosted it, 843 00:44:57,272 --> 00:44:59,308 and your compassion and connection 844 00:44:59,374 --> 00:45:02,211 to every single cancer survivor in the room 845 00:45:02,277 --> 00:45:04,012 still moves me to this day. 846 00:45:04,079 --> 00:45:05,948 And thank you for letting me be a part of this. 847 00:45:05,981 --> 00:45:07,950 It's an honor. Thank you, sir. Thank you. 848 00:45:08,016 --> 00:45:10,185 Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. 849 00:45:10,252 --> 00:45:11,453 Thank you. 850 00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:14,256 [cheers and applause] 851 00:45:19,628 --> 00:45:21,597 - This next roaster is a surprise, 852 00:45:21,663 --> 00:45:25,367 and, Alec, you are in for such a treat. 853 00:45:25,434 --> 00:45:28,971 Live, from your first marriage, it's Ireland Baldwin. 854 00:45:28,971 --> 00:45:30,672 - Oh! 855 00:45:30,739 --> 00:45:36,478 [upbeat music] 856 00:45:36,545 --> 00:45:39,448 [cheers and applause] 857 00:45:45,421 --> 00:45:47,556 - Hi, Dad. 858 00:45:47,623 --> 00:45:49,191 I'm Ireland. 859 00:45:53,028 --> 00:45:54,730 It's good to be here. 860 00:45:54,797 --> 00:45:56,999 I almost didn't even know about it because I haven't 861 00:45:57,066 --> 00:45:59,368 checked my voice mails from my dad 862 00:45:59,435 --> 00:46:03,305 from the last, like, 12 years or something. 863 00:46:03,372 --> 00:46:06,008 I actually have a lot in common with the people on this roast 864 00:46:06,075 --> 00:46:07,543 because like them, I don't really 865 00:46:07,609 --> 00:46:08,944 know you that well either. 866 00:46:08,977 --> 00:46:11,213 [audience groaning] 867 00:46:11,280 --> 00:46:12,614 While a lot of people know my dad 868 00:46:12,681 --> 00:46:15,084 as that guy from the "Mission: Impossible" movies 869 00:46:15,150 --> 00:46:16,985 or that guy from "30 Rock," 870 00:46:17,052 --> 00:46:19,521 I know him as that guy from, like, 871 00:46:19,588 --> 00:46:21,957 half of my birthday parties. 872 00:46:23,792 --> 00:46:25,461 It was, like, half. 873 00:46:28,864 --> 00:46:30,499 By the way, "Mission: Impossible" 874 00:46:30,566 --> 00:46:33,469 is what I call getting my dad to apologize. 875 00:46:39,875 --> 00:46:41,643 A lot of people only know my dad 876 00:46:41,710 --> 00:46:44,346 as an angry guy, but he's more than some lunatic 877 00:46:44,413 --> 00:46:46,014 who loses his temper. 878 00:46:46,081 --> 00:46:49,485 He also loses Emmys and Oscars 879 00:46:49,551 --> 00:46:52,020 and custody of his firstborn child. 880 00:46:52,087 --> 00:46:55,391 Am I right? Shit. 881 00:46:58,527 --> 00:47:00,596 But listen, let me just set the record straight. 882 00:47:00,662 --> 00:47:02,331 He was a great dad. 883 00:47:02,398 --> 00:47:04,400 I still remember when he would tuck me in 884 00:47:04,466 --> 00:47:08,137 and yell me a bedtime story. 885 00:47:08,203 --> 00:47:10,773 My absolute favorite and his favorite, 886 00:47:10,839 --> 00:47:13,609 "The Three Little Thoughtless Pigs." 887 00:47:13,675 --> 00:47:15,444 [audience clamoring] 888 00:47:18,947 --> 00:47:21,850 Dad, your "Always be closing" speech 889 00:47:21,950 --> 00:47:24,153 in "Glengarry Glen Ross" was great. 890 00:47:24,219 --> 00:47:27,222 At least you taught someone their ABCs, right? 891 00:47:29,324 --> 00:47:31,326 It hasn't been easy being the daughter 892 00:47:31,393 --> 00:47:34,329 of an iconic movie star. 893 00:47:34,396 --> 00:47:36,765 But I'm not here to talk about my mother. 894 00:47:36,832 --> 00:47:39,101 [cheers and applause] 895 00:47:48,277 --> 00:47:50,712 Or her Oscar. 896 00:47:53,248 --> 00:47:56,118 I'm here to talk to you, Dad, finally, 897 00:47:56,185 --> 00:47:58,554 without a court-appointed social worker. 898 00:47:58,620 --> 00:48:01,657 It's so nice that we can do that. 899 00:48:01,724 --> 00:48:04,226 That's so sweet. Um, it's okay. 900 00:48:04,293 --> 00:48:06,128 I turned out fine. I've been modeling, 901 00:48:06,195 --> 00:48:07,362 which is a really fun gig. 902 00:48:07,429 --> 00:48:10,065 Honestly, it's just nice for a Baldwin 903 00:48:10,132 --> 00:48:12,034 to be on a runway without starting beef 904 00:48:12,101 --> 00:48:13,402 with American Airlines. 905 00:48:18,540 --> 00:48:20,776 I was so surprised-- 906 00:48:25,147 --> 00:48:28,183 I was so surprised when I heard about that plane incident. 907 00:48:28,250 --> 00:48:30,185 I mean, why would you even start shit 908 00:48:30,252 --> 00:48:33,422 with the one place that's still playing your movies? 909 00:48:42,598 --> 00:48:47,803 It's nice to see some new faces and some older faces 910 00:48:47,870 --> 00:48:51,540 and some newly reconstructed faces. 911 00:48:51,607 --> 00:48:53,475 A lot of people don't know this-- 912 00:48:53,542 --> 00:48:56,678 [laughter] 913 00:48:56,745 --> 00:48:59,648 A lot of people don't know this, but when I was a kid, 914 00:48:59,715 --> 00:49:03,285 Caitlyn Jenner was my middle school track coach. 915 00:49:03,352 --> 00:49:06,455 You taught me to jump over the greatest hurdle of all, 916 00:49:06,522 --> 00:49:08,290 which is my father's approval. 917 00:49:08,357 --> 00:49:11,160 [laughter] 918 00:49:13,395 --> 00:49:14,730 Do you know what it's like 919 00:49:14,797 --> 00:49:17,399 having a gold medal athlete as your track coach? 920 00:49:17,466 --> 00:49:19,101 Blake, you get it, right? 921 00:49:19,168 --> 00:49:20,536 You've disappointed a Jenner 922 00:49:20,602 --> 00:49:22,971 that's completely out of your league. 923 00:49:27,076 --> 00:49:28,310 - Did he really date your daughter? 924 00:49:28,377 --> 00:49:31,046 - Yeah. - He did? 925 00:49:31,113 --> 00:49:32,214 - You should have married her. 926 00:49:32,281 --> 00:49:34,183 And now you're never gonna get a ring. 927 00:49:34,249 --> 00:49:36,852 [audience groaning] 928 00:49:38,353 --> 00:49:40,522 It's good to be here, but it would have been nice 929 00:49:40,589 --> 00:49:42,291 to have the whole family here. 930 00:49:42,357 --> 00:49:45,394 Unfortunately, Comedy Central couldn't arrange for this roast 931 00:49:45,461 --> 00:49:48,097 to be held in 1997. 932 00:49:49,898 --> 00:49:51,934 Oh, wait, and speaking of things 933 00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:55,404 that weren't held in 1997-- 934 00:50:02,444 --> 00:50:04,313 But seriously, Dad, I'm so proud of you. 935 00:50:04,379 --> 00:50:07,116 You're a wonderful father and an amazing actor, 936 00:50:07,182 --> 00:50:10,919 and I'm thrilled to be here to see you celebrated tonight. 937 00:50:10,953 --> 00:50:13,655 After all the years of giving verbal abuse, 938 00:50:13,722 --> 00:50:16,492 it's finally time you received some. 939 00:50:18,961 --> 00:50:20,362 Right? 940 00:50:20,429 --> 00:50:21,797 Shit. 941 00:50:23,932 --> 00:50:26,101 So before I leave, I'd just like to say something 942 00:50:26,168 --> 00:50:27,603 you've never said to me. 943 00:50:27,669 --> 00:50:29,438 Good night. 944 00:50:29,505 --> 00:50:30,706 [laughter] 945 00:50:30,773 --> 00:50:31,840 [upbeat music] 946 00:50:31,940 --> 00:50:34,777 - Well done. Well done. 947 00:50:34,843 --> 00:50:35,778 You did a good job, yeah. 948 00:50:35,844 --> 00:50:36,945 - Still to come... 949 00:50:37,012 --> 00:50:38,480 - You're very funny, you little bitch. 950 00:50:38,547 --> 00:50:41,183 - Adam Carolla and Robert De Niro. 951 00:50:41,250 --> 00:50:43,752 - Alec, I'm just sorry I couldn't say 952 00:50:43,819 --> 00:50:45,254 what I really wanted to say. 953 00:50:45,320 --> 00:50:46,455 Fuck you. 954 00:50:47,217 --> 00:50:50,620 [electronic music] 955 00:50:50,687 --> 00:50:53,022 - Welcome back to this bullshit. 956 00:50:55,425 --> 00:50:57,827 Our next roaster is Adam Carolla. 957 00:50:57,894 --> 00:51:00,830 [cheers and applause] 958 00:51:00,897 --> 00:51:03,399 He's known for his massive straight white teeth 959 00:51:03,466 --> 00:51:07,203 that dwarf his dwindling straight white audience. 960 00:51:07,270 --> 00:51:10,673 He was on "The Man Show" but was replaced by Joe Rogan. 961 00:51:10,740 --> 00:51:15,612 He had the number one podcast but was replaced by Joe Rogan. 962 00:51:15,678 --> 00:51:19,816 But he's here tonight because we couldn't get Joe Rogan. 963 00:51:19,883 --> 00:51:21,117 Adam Carolla. 964 00:51:21,184 --> 00:51:24,621 [rock music] 965 00:51:24,687 --> 00:51:27,724 [cheers and applause] 966 00:51:29,425 --> 00:51:32,095 - Oh, Sean Hayes, everybody. 967 00:51:32,162 --> 00:51:34,531 So funny. 968 00:51:34,597 --> 00:51:36,933 No, seriously, I love the gays. 969 00:51:37,000 --> 00:51:39,936 I've always kind of wondered what it'd be like 970 00:51:40,003 --> 00:51:43,540 being blown by a guy, and, um, 971 00:51:43,606 --> 00:51:47,911 I imagine it'd be a lot like wearing Crocs. 972 00:51:48,044 --> 00:51:50,613 Sure, it feels great. 973 00:51:52,115 --> 00:51:54,050 Until you look down. 974 00:51:57,921 --> 00:52:00,423 Here's how fucked up Hollywood is. 975 00:52:01,958 --> 00:52:04,594 Bruce Jenner announces he's transitioning 976 00:52:04,661 --> 00:52:07,063 and everybody applauds it, 977 00:52:07,063 --> 00:52:09,833 but when they find out he's a Republican, 978 00:52:09,899 --> 00:52:11,734 they're outraged. 979 00:52:14,871 --> 00:52:17,874 Cut your dick off, hero. 980 00:52:17,941 --> 00:52:20,577 Cut taxes, Hitler. 981 00:52:23,813 --> 00:52:25,915 You shouldn't be laughing at that shit. 982 00:52:29,886 --> 00:52:31,688 Ken Jeong. 983 00:52:31,754 --> 00:52:36,392 Ken, we all saw your tiny dick in "The Hangover." 984 00:52:36,459 --> 00:52:39,696 I haven't seen a dick that small 985 00:52:39,762 --> 00:52:43,132 since I took my nephew ice fishing. 986 00:52:49,172 --> 00:52:51,841 Let's move from small dicks to big names. 987 00:52:51,908 --> 00:52:54,043 Robert De Niro is here. 988 00:52:54,110 --> 00:52:55,645 [cheers and applause] 989 00:52:55,712 --> 00:52:58,114 Alec Baldwin here. 990 00:52:58,181 --> 00:53:00,617 Both amazing actors, 991 00:53:00,683 --> 00:53:03,052 but if I learned one thing 992 00:53:03,052 --> 00:53:07,457 from all the Harvey Weinstein stories, 993 00:53:07,524 --> 00:53:11,427 well, it's that pretty much anyone can act. 994 00:53:11,494 --> 00:53:15,131 I mean, what other profession works this way? 995 00:53:15,198 --> 00:53:18,234 You want to be a commercial airline pilot? 996 00:53:18,301 --> 00:53:20,436 Hmm, let me think. 997 00:53:20,503 --> 00:53:23,873 Okay, just blow that fat Jew. 998 00:53:26,910 --> 00:53:29,078 We'll have you up in the air by noon. 999 00:53:32,148 --> 00:53:34,184 This is your profession. 1000 00:53:34,250 --> 00:53:36,252 You wanna be a dental hygienist? 1001 00:53:36,319 --> 00:53:39,455 Watch that fat Jew beat off into a ficus plant. 1002 00:53:39,522 --> 00:53:40,957 We'll have you. 1003 00:53:42,892 --> 00:53:45,695 Bob, I know you're going through a tough divorce. 1004 00:53:47,030 --> 00:53:48,298 It's rough. 1005 00:53:48,364 --> 00:53:51,034 It's hard to meet ladies, especially at your age. 1006 00:53:51,034 --> 00:53:54,470 I mean, might I suggest the new dating app 1007 00:53:54,537 --> 00:53:56,906 for old fucks like yourself. 1008 00:53:57,040 --> 00:53:59,342 It's called carbon dating. 1009 00:54:02,946 --> 00:54:05,682 Don't worry. Carbon is black. 1010 00:54:07,283 --> 00:54:10,053 Robert just dates the sisters. 1011 00:54:11,187 --> 00:54:14,224 [cheers and applause] 1012 00:54:21,064 --> 00:54:24,300 On to the man of the hour, Alec Baldwin. 1013 00:54:24,367 --> 00:54:27,070 We all love Alec's impressions. 1014 00:54:27,136 --> 00:54:29,239 The impressions of Trump, 1015 00:54:29,305 --> 00:54:31,541 the impressions his ring leaves 1016 00:54:31,608 --> 00:54:34,444 on the foreheads of photographers. 1017 00:54:37,380 --> 00:54:42,385 So many classic lines over an amazing career. 1018 00:54:42,452 --> 00:54:44,754 "Coffee is for closers." 1019 00:54:44,821 --> 00:54:47,624 "You ask me if I have God complex. 1020 00:54:47,690 --> 00:54:50,026 I am God." 1021 00:54:50,093 --> 00:54:51,861 And who could forget, 1022 00:54:51,928 --> 00:54:54,030 "Welcome back to 'Match Game'"? 1023 00:54:58,368 --> 00:55:01,504 Alec, you're a great friend and a great actor, 1024 00:55:01,571 --> 00:55:04,741 and if I can rant for just one minute here, 1025 00:55:04,807 --> 00:55:06,109 you're a great sport. 1026 00:55:06,176 --> 00:55:08,111 You have a great sense of humor, 1027 00:55:08,178 --> 00:55:11,114 unlike the social justice warriors 1028 00:55:11,181 --> 00:55:13,550 who are gonna be out there tweeting that all 1029 00:55:13,616 --> 00:55:15,718 the jokes are "problematic." 1030 00:55:15,785 --> 00:55:20,223 You people can blow me, you pussy fuck sticks. 1031 00:55:20,290 --> 00:55:23,326 [cheers and applause] 1032 00:55:24,127 --> 00:55:25,862 This is a goddamn roast. 1033 00:55:25,929 --> 00:55:29,432 Comedians need a place where they can be offensive 1034 00:55:29,499 --> 00:55:33,069 without your bullshit fake outrage, 1035 00:55:33,069 --> 00:55:36,105 you hashtag heroes. 1036 00:55:36,172 --> 00:55:38,474 You already ruined the Oscars. 1037 00:55:40,643 --> 00:55:43,146 You're all woke and no joke! 1038 00:55:45,148 --> 00:55:49,252 So if you were offended by anything said tonight, 1039 00:55:49,319 --> 00:55:53,890 please give a reach-around to your emotional support dog 1040 00:55:54,023 --> 00:55:56,159 and shut the fuck up. 1041 00:55:56,226 --> 00:55:59,262 [cheers and applause] 1042 00:56:01,030 --> 00:56:05,802 This is our safe space, bitches. 1043 00:56:05,869 --> 00:56:09,405 But even if the cancel culture wins, 1044 00:56:09,472 --> 00:56:14,811 Jeff Ross would still be the roastmaster. 1045 00:56:14,878 --> 00:56:16,279 - Thank you, Adam. Thank you. 1046 00:56:16,346 --> 00:56:20,049 - At the Arby's in Glendale. 1047 00:56:20,083 --> 00:56:21,784 Thank you very much. Love you, bud. 1048 00:56:21,851 --> 00:56:23,620 [upbeat music] 1049 00:56:23,686 --> 00:56:26,523 - That was fucking great, man. That was great. 1050 00:56:28,424 --> 00:56:30,793 Still to come: Alec Baldwin, 1051 00:56:30,860 --> 00:56:32,061 Robert De Niro, 1052 00:56:32,061 --> 00:56:33,296 and Jeff Ross. 1053 00:56:33,363 --> 00:56:34,464 - I just wanna keep roasting him 1054 00:56:34,531 --> 00:56:36,266 until he punches me in the face. 1055 00:56:38,134 --> 00:56:42,104 [upbeat music] 1056 00:56:42,171 --> 00:56:43,973 - Robert De Niro is considered 1057 00:56:44,040 --> 00:56:46,042 one of the greatest living actors. 1058 00:56:46,108 --> 00:56:48,211 [cheers and applause] 1059 00:56:48,277 --> 00:56:50,079 Yeah. 1060 00:56:50,146 --> 00:56:53,049 "The Deer Hunter," "Godfather II," 1061 00:56:53,115 --> 00:56:54,851 "Raging Bull," 1062 00:56:54,917 --> 00:56:56,352 these are all the types of movies 1063 00:56:56,419 --> 00:56:59,021 he stopped doing long ago. 1064 00:56:59,088 --> 00:57:01,524 He's won two Oscars and his balls are nominated 1065 00:57:01,591 --> 00:57:04,427 for a SAG award, Robert De Niro. 1066 00:57:04,494 --> 00:57:11,067 [rock music] 1067 00:57:11,134 --> 00:57:13,870 [cheers and applause] 1068 00:57:13,936 --> 00:57:15,404 - [chuckles] 1069 00:57:15,471 --> 00:57:18,241 [cheers and applause] 1070 00:57:24,480 --> 00:57:26,015 I know. 1071 00:57:27,216 --> 00:57:28,417 I know. 1072 00:57:28,484 --> 00:57:29,986 [laughter] 1073 00:57:31,454 --> 00:57:33,356 What the fuck am I doing here? 1074 00:57:36,425 --> 00:57:38,294 This is like that Moscow hotel room 1075 00:57:38,361 --> 00:57:41,330 where a bunch of whores pissed all over Donald Trump. 1076 00:57:43,499 --> 00:57:47,270 I mean, this is what you get for being Alec's friend. 1077 00:57:48,604 --> 00:57:51,040 On nights like these, you expect your friends-- 1078 00:57:51,073 --> 00:57:54,143 the people you've worked with closely--to show up. 1079 00:57:54,210 --> 00:57:55,778 Tina Fey, Tracy Morgan, 1080 00:57:55,845 --> 00:57:59,248 Thomas the Tank Engine, Meryl Streep. 1081 00:58:00,283 --> 00:58:01,751 Not one. 1082 00:58:01,818 --> 00:58:04,754 Instead we have a group-- [laughs] 1083 00:58:04,821 --> 00:58:07,223 You can't even find them on, uh, Wikipedia. 1084 00:58:07,290 --> 00:58:10,560 [laughs] 1085 00:58:10,626 --> 00:58:13,462 And--and, like, who are these people? 1086 00:58:13,529 --> 00:58:15,965 I mean, who the fuck are you? 1087 00:58:16,065 --> 00:58:18,067 [laughter] 1088 00:58:18,067 --> 00:58:21,204 I mean, Ann Coulter, everybody. 1089 00:58:21,270 --> 00:58:23,439 [laughter] 1090 00:58:23,506 --> 00:58:26,542 [cheers and applause] 1091 00:58:29,312 --> 00:58:32,081 Nikki is what's known as a dirty comedian, 1092 00:58:32,148 --> 00:58:33,516 and I don't mean her material. 1093 00:58:33,583 --> 00:58:36,919 I mean she hasn't washed her pussy since Memorial Day. 1094 00:58:41,157 --> 00:58:42,558 Caroline Rhea. 1095 00:58:42,625 --> 00:58:44,093 Caroline. 1096 00:58:45,728 --> 00:58:50,766 Caroline did over 160 episodes of "Sabrina the Teenage Witch." 1097 00:58:50,833 --> 00:58:52,435 That's a lot of teenagers. 1098 00:58:53,836 --> 00:58:56,272 Not R. Kelly numbers, but still. 1099 00:58:58,307 --> 00:58:59,709 Pretty impressive. 1100 00:59:01,410 --> 00:59:04,247 Sean Hayes. Where's Sean Hayes? 1101 00:59:04,313 --> 00:59:07,884 Over here. [laughs] 1102 00:59:07,950 --> 00:59:09,352 I was in "Goodfellas," 1103 00:59:09,418 --> 00:59:14,056 and I'm guessing Sean has also been in good fellas... 1104 00:59:14,123 --> 00:59:17,360 uh, and some bad fellas 1105 00:59:17,426 --> 00:59:22,165 and more than a few sailors, I'm sure. 1106 00:59:22,231 --> 00:59:23,566 Caitlyn Jenner. 1107 00:59:23,633 --> 00:59:25,101 Now, there's something different about you, 1108 00:59:25,168 --> 00:59:28,771 but I--I can't I can't put my finger in it. 1109 00:59:33,576 --> 00:59:37,580 - Yes, you can! - [laughs] 1110 00:59:37,647 --> 00:59:39,415 - Yes, you can! 1111 00:59:39,482 --> 00:59:40,817 - [laughs] 1112 00:59:40,883 --> 00:59:43,386 Comedy Central wanted to have Caitlyn on a roast 1113 00:59:43,452 --> 00:59:46,923 after her surgery so now they can pay her 20% less. 1114 00:59:53,596 --> 00:59:56,098 When I did "Raging Bull," I had to gain 60 pounds 1115 00:59:56,165 --> 00:59:59,635 in four months. Jeff, what's your excuse? 1116 00:59:59,702 --> 01:00:02,205 [laughs] 1117 01:00:02,271 --> 01:00:05,341 Ken Jeong once stopped his stand-up show 1118 01:00:05,408 --> 01:00:07,877 to help a woman in the audience who was having a seizure. 1119 01:00:07,944 --> 01:00:10,513 Hey, if a seizure is what it takes to stop him 1120 01:00:10,580 --> 01:00:12,181 from doing stand-up, I'm for that. 1121 01:00:12,248 --> 01:00:16,652 - [laughs] 1122 01:00:16,719 --> 01:00:18,454 - Adam Carolla. 1123 01:00:18,521 --> 01:00:23,059 Adam promotes a drink called the Brosé Cocktail. 1124 01:00:23,125 --> 01:00:25,495 Finally, a light, refreshing summer drink 1125 01:00:25,561 --> 01:00:27,363 for date rapists. 1126 01:00:32,068 --> 01:00:37,507 And now for the only true movie star on this stage, 1127 01:00:37,573 --> 01:00:38,741 me. 1128 01:00:45,148 --> 01:00:48,618 Critics say I have a unique quality as an actor. 1129 01:00:48,684 --> 01:00:52,088 I actually like Alec Baldwin, 1130 01:00:52,155 --> 01:00:54,023 and I'm happy to be here for Alec, 1131 01:00:54,090 --> 01:00:57,193 but honestly, I'm here to teach Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner, 1132 01:00:57,260 --> 01:00:59,729 and Blake Griffin how to fuck black women. 1133 01:01:09,872 --> 01:01:11,874 Here's an historical fact. 1134 01:01:11,941 --> 01:01:15,812 Alec's ancestors came over on the "Mayflower." 1135 01:01:15,878 --> 01:01:19,949 Alec's great-great-great- great-great-grandfather 1136 01:01:20,049 --> 01:01:21,584 was the first white man to punch 1137 01:01:21,651 --> 01:01:23,619 a Native American in the face. 1138 01:01:25,688 --> 01:01:27,156 That's a fact. 1139 01:01:27,223 --> 01:01:30,059 Now Alec is doing it to paparazzi. 1140 01:01:30,059 --> 01:01:31,661 And he doesn't care who he hits. 1141 01:01:31,727 --> 01:01:35,431 I once saw him take a selfie and punch his own face. 1142 01:01:39,769 --> 01:01:43,172 You've starred in huge blockbuster movies, Alec, 1143 01:01:43,239 --> 01:01:46,509 and now you're hosting a fucking game show? 1144 01:01:46,576 --> 01:01:48,344 I'd say you're about a year and a half away 1145 01:01:48,411 --> 01:01:51,013 from doing commercials for reverse mortgages. 1146 01:01:51,080 --> 01:01:52,849 [chuckles] 1147 01:01:53,816 --> 01:01:57,220 One thing I love about Alec is that like the Subway pizza rat 1148 01:01:57,286 --> 01:01:59,922 and crazy people fighting over parking spaces, 1149 01:02:00,022 --> 01:02:02,825 he's quintessential New York. 1150 01:02:02,892 --> 01:02:04,694 He is. 1151 01:02:06,128 --> 01:02:07,296 Kinda like Woody Allen, 1152 01:02:07,363 --> 01:02:09,165 except Alec only screamed at his daughter 1153 01:02:09,232 --> 01:02:10,700 and Woody, well, uh, I don't know. 1154 01:02:10,766 --> 01:02:12,435 He--I don't know. 1155 01:02:17,406 --> 01:02:20,376 Alec, I wanna thank you for inviting me to do this. 1156 01:02:20,443 --> 01:02:22,411 Now "Rocky and Bullwinkle" won't be the most 1157 01:02:22,478 --> 01:02:24,080 embarrassing thing I've ever done. 1158 01:02:26,582 --> 01:02:28,451 And I have to mention Alec's great portrayal 1159 01:02:28,518 --> 01:02:30,453 of Donald Trump on "SNL." 1160 01:02:30,520 --> 01:02:32,455 He fucking nails it... 1161 01:02:32,522 --> 01:02:36,058 [cheers and applause] 1162 01:02:36,058 --> 01:02:39,295 Exposing Trump for the ridiculous malignant narcissist 1163 01:02:39,362 --> 01:02:41,397 bully sociopath he is. 1164 01:02:41,464 --> 01:02:44,500 [cheers and applause] 1165 01:02:46,035 --> 01:02:48,571 It's not fair, though, because Alec doesn't even have 1166 01:02:48,638 --> 01:02:50,339 to act to do that. 1167 01:02:50,406 --> 01:02:52,675 Al--Alec, you're so convincing, 1168 01:02:52,742 --> 01:02:56,579 I wanna punch both of you in the face. 1169 01:02:56,646 --> 01:02:59,148 Alec, it's been a privilege playing Robert Mueller 1170 01:02:59,215 --> 01:03:01,150 to your Donald Trump. 1171 01:03:03,085 --> 01:03:06,189 I just wish Mueller had roasted Trump as frankly 1172 01:03:06,255 --> 01:03:09,192 and ferociously as we roasted you. 1173 01:03:11,227 --> 01:03:12,829 Alec, you're a good sport, 1174 01:03:12,895 --> 01:03:14,197 and I know I've been rough on you, 1175 01:03:14,263 --> 01:03:17,467 but I also love you, and I say that now because 1176 01:03:17,533 --> 01:03:19,569 like Robert Kraft at a massage parlor, 1177 01:03:19,635 --> 01:03:22,705 I want my roast to have a happy ending. 1178 01:03:22,772 --> 01:03:24,707 [laughs] 1179 01:03:24,774 --> 01:03:26,275 Salut. 1180 01:03:26,342 --> 01:03:30,112 [rock music] 1181 01:03:39,555 --> 01:03:41,724 - Coming up, Jeff Ross. 1182 01:03:41,791 --> 01:03:44,060 - Always be closing. I'm closing the roast tonight. 1183 01:03:44,126 --> 01:03:45,995 - And Alec Baldwin. 1184 01:03:45,995 --> 01:03:47,430 - What's with this tie? 1185 01:03:47,497 --> 01:03:49,232 Do we have any, uh, Tie-agra? 1186 01:03:51,067 --> 01:03:53,069 [upbeat music] 1187 01:03:53,136 --> 01:03:56,038 - Welcome back to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin. 1188 01:03:56,105 --> 01:03:58,307 This is my least favorite part of the roast because 1189 01:03:58,374 --> 01:04:01,411 now I have to spend five minutes sitting over there 1190 01:04:01,477 --> 01:04:05,214 in the stinking hot ass mark left by Jeff Ross. 1191 01:04:06,282 --> 01:04:09,652 Give it up for roastmaster general Jeff Ross. 1192 01:04:09,719 --> 01:04:10,720 [chuckles] 1193 01:04:10,787 --> 01:04:17,727 [rock music] 1194 01:04:17,794 --> 01:04:21,230 - Thank you, everybody. Happy roast, everyone. 1195 01:04:21,297 --> 01:04:23,099 Happy roast. 1196 01:04:23,166 --> 01:04:26,035 What a crowd! 1197 01:04:26,102 --> 01:04:29,038 Here I am again following fucking De Niro. 1198 01:04:30,473 --> 01:04:32,942 Great job, Aging Bull. 1199 01:04:34,911 --> 01:04:36,479 I learned something tonight. 1200 01:04:36,546 --> 01:04:39,082 Alec is the name you give your son if you want him 1201 01:04:39,148 --> 01:04:41,150 to grow up and be an asshole. 1202 01:04:44,087 --> 01:04:46,589 Caitlyn, you were fucking awesome tonight. 1203 01:04:46,656 --> 01:04:47,957 I just wanna say that. 1204 01:04:48,024 --> 01:04:50,326 You were really awesome tonight. 1205 01:04:53,963 --> 01:04:57,066 But I wouldn't fuck you with Bruce Jenner's dick. 1206 01:05:00,803 --> 01:05:03,973 Remember when your picture was on Wheaties boxes 1207 01:05:04,006 --> 01:05:06,776 back when people could still look at you when they eat? 1208 01:05:10,880 --> 01:05:13,516 How about a hand for our guest of honor, 1209 01:05:13,583 --> 01:05:15,752 Mr. Alec "Bobblehead" Baldwin? 1210 01:05:15,818 --> 01:05:18,988 [cheers and applause] 1211 01:05:19,622 --> 01:05:22,225 Alec is actually my neighbor in Greenwich Village, 1212 01:05:22,291 --> 01:05:23,693 which was a pretty safe neighborhood 1213 01:05:23,760 --> 01:05:25,194 until you fucking moved in. 1214 01:05:26,529 --> 01:05:27,797 You're a big star. 1215 01:05:27,864 --> 01:05:30,166 I watched you get arrested for punching a guy 1216 01:05:30,233 --> 01:05:31,534 over a parking spot. 1217 01:05:32,835 --> 01:05:34,237 Next time, valet your car 1218 01:05:34,303 --> 01:05:35,872 and help your brother's business. 1219 01:05:38,441 --> 01:05:40,243 Help a brother out, Alec! 1220 01:05:42,011 --> 01:05:45,848 I'm speaking as a big fan. I love all your movies, Alec. 1221 01:05:45,915 --> 01:05:47,917 I loved you in "The Departed," 1222 01:05:48,017 --> 01:05:50,219 which is also what Caitlyn calls her penis. 1223 01:05:51,954 --> 01:05:54,557 And of course, Alec, you got your Oscar nomination 1224 01:05:54,624 --> 01:05:55,958 for "The Cooler," 1225 01:05:55,992 --> 01:05:58,060 which is where Caitlyn keeps her penis. 1226 01:06:01,831 --> 01:06:03,199 And of course, your first big break 1227 01:06:03,266 --> 01:06:04,867 was "The Hunt for Red October," 1228 01:06:04,967 --> 01:06:07,336 which is what Caitlyn calls her vagina. 1229 01:06:10,173 --> 01:06:13,142 Alec, I first saw you in the movie "Pearl Harbor," 1230 01:06:13,209 --> 01:06:16,712 which was worse than the actual Pearl Harbor. 1231 01:06:18,381 --> 01:06:20,983 Halfway through, I was rooting for the Japanese. 1232 01:06:23,352 --> 01:06:24,987 Any fans of Alec Baldwin's 1233 01:06:24,987 --> 01:06:27,323 Donald Trump impression here tonight? 1234 01:06:27,390 --> 01:06:29,125 [cheers and applause] Okay. 1235 01:06:29,192 --> 01:06:31,027 Okay. 1236 01:06:31,094 --> 01:06:32,495 What a lot of people don't realize is that 1237 01:06:32,562 --> 01:06:34,063 for the last three years, 1238 01:06:34,130 --> 01:06:37,100 Donald Trump is actually doing an Alec Baldwin impression. 1239 01:06:38,701 --> 01:06:42,004 He calls people names, he yells at the press, 1240 01:06:42,071 --> 01:06:44,807 he married an immigrant half his age. 1241 01:06:46,609 --> 01:06:49,011 The only difference is that Trump calls his daughter a fox, 1242 01:06:49,011 --> 01:06:50,713 not a pig. 1243 01:06:53,649 --> 01:06:55,051 Here's to you, Ireland. 1244 01:06:55,118 --> 01:06:57,854 Great job, Ireland. You didn't oink once. 1245 01:07:00,256 --> 01:07:02,225 What a babe. I love that movie. 1246 01:07:06,162 --> 01:07:08,731 Bob, this is nothing for you. You've seen it all. 1247 01:07:08,798 --> 01:07:10,366 Robert De Niro's been around so long, 1248 01:07:10,433 --> 01:07:12,235 he was God's father. 1249 01:07:15,972 --> 01:07:17,740 Bob, I have to give you props. 1250 01:07:17,807 --> 01:07:20,410 You're owner of my favorite sushi restaurant. 1251 01:07:20,476 --> 01:07:22,545 Any fans of Nobu? 1252 01:07:22,612 --> 01:07:23,846 Yeah. 1253 01:07:23,980 --> 01:07:25,715 I love that place. 1254 01:07:25,782 --> 01:07:27,817 By the way, Nobu is also what 1255 01:07:27,884 --> 01:07:29,786 Bob's girlfriend says when he asks her 1256 01:07:29,852 --> 01:07:32,121 to dress up like sexy Harriet Tubman. 1257 01:07:32,188 --> 01:07:33,856 [laughs] 1258 01:07:35,691 --> 01:07:37,260 No, boo! 1259 01:07:41,164 --> 01:07:42,765 Caroline Rhea. 1260 01:07:42,832 --> 01:07:45,268 I--this is my friend for a long time. 1261 01:07:45,334 --> 01:07:46,636 I love this woman so much. 1262 01:07:46,702 --> 01:07:48,471 You look like the schoolteacher 1263 01:07:48,538 --> 01:07:50,973 all the kids hide behind during a shooting. 1264 01:07:51,040 --> 01:07:54,077 [laughter] 1265 01:07:55,945 --> 01:07:58,448 If you don't know Chris Redd's work on "Saturday Night Live," 1266 01:07:58,514 --> 01:08:00,950 he does all the impressions that Kenan Thompson 1267 01:08:01,017 --> 01:08:02,785 is too fat to play. 1268 01:08:07,490 --> 01:08:10,259 Big future, bro. Big future. 1269 01:08:10,326 --> 01:08:13,529 You look like a blind kid tried to draw Michael B. Jordan. 1270 01:08:13,596 --> 01:08:16,632 [laughter] 1271 01:08:18,067 --> 01:08:21,204 And I say that with affection. 1272 01:08:22,805 --> 01:08:26,476 Adam Carolla, very interesting podcast tonight. 1273 01:08:27,877 --> 01:08:29,846 [laughs] 1274 01:08:29,979 --> 01:08:31,347 Oh, come on, Adam. 1275 01:08:31,414 --> 01:08:33,716 I love you. You were great tonight, 1276 01:08:33,783 --> 01:08:35,017 but you gotta own up to it. 1277 01:08:35,084 --> 01:08:36,986 You once said, "Women aren't funny." 1278 01:08:36,986 --> 01:08:38,454 Well, let me tell you something. 1279 01:08:38,521 --> 01:08:40,423 They are, and you should have hired some 1280 01:08:40,490 --> 01:08:41,991 to write your jokes tonight. 1281 01:08:41,991 --> 01:08:44,160 [cheers and applause] 1282 01:08:44,227 --> 01:08:47,497 - Oh, fuck you. Fuck you. 1283 01:08:55,371 --> 01:08:57,006 - Hi, Nikki. 1284 01:08:58,541 --> 01:09:00,243 You look great tonight. 1285 01:09:00,309 --> 01:09:03,112 You look like the photo that Caitlyn showed her doctor. 1286 01:09:03,179 --> 01:09:05,281 - [laughs] 1287 01:09:07,216 --> 01:09:09,252 - Great to see my pal Ken Jeong. 1288 01:09:09,318 --> 01:09:11,320 Ken is a doctor, a comic, 1289 01:09:11,387 --> 01:09:12,722 and an actor, 1290 01:09:12,789 --> 01:09:14,257 or as it's known back home in Korea, 1291 01:09:14,323 --> 01:09:17,126 a failure. [chuckles] 1292 01:09:17,193 --> 01:09:19,796 - [laughs] 1293 01:09:19,862 --> 01:09:20,963 - Congratulations are in order. 1294 01:09:20,997 --> 01:09:22,165 Your wife and you, 1295 01:09:22,231 --> 01:09:24,100 you just had identical twin daughters. 1296 01:09:24,167 --> 01:09:26,202 Congratulations. 1297 01:09:26,269 --> 01:09:30,673 Ken told me--Ken told me he can't tell them apart. 1298 01:09:30,740 --> 01:09:32,842 Well, now you know how the rest of us feel. 1299 01:09:35,178 --> 01:09:38,214 - [laughs] 1300 01:09:39,282 --> 01:09:40,750 - You're a good guy, Ken. 1301 01:09:40,817 --> 01:09:42,985 Thank you for letting them live. 1302 01:09:43,019 --> 01:09:44,787 - [laughs] 1303 01:09:48,257 --> 01:09:51,561 [laughing heavily] 1304 01:09:52,929 --> 01:09:55,031 - Caitlyn, it's frustrating to think about. 1305 01:09:55,098 --> 01:09:58,401 You supported Donald Trump despite his policies. 1306 01:09:58,468 --> 01:10:00,503 How can someone who chooses to be a woman 1307 01:10:00,570 --> 01:10:02,939 vote against a woman's right to choose? 1308 01:10:02,939 --> 01:10:05,975 [cheers and applause] 1309 01:10:08,678 --> 01:10:11,114 Just 'cause you're built like Sarah Huckabee Sanders 1310 01:10:11,180 --> 01:10:13,049 doesn't mean you have to vote like her. 1311 01:10:13,116 --> 01:10:16,119 [cheers and applause] 1312 01:10:18,621 --> 01:10:21,791 Who transitions at 60? 1313 01:10:21,858 --> 01:10:25,495 That's like neutering your dog right before he dies. 1314 01:10:30,066 --> 01:10:31,667 Bruce Jenner wanted to be here tonight, 1315 01:10:31,734 --> 01:10:34,170 but some [...] cut his dick off. 1316 01:10:36,506 --> 01:10:38,841 Bruce, blink twice if you're in there! 1317 01:10:44,547 --> 01:10:46,382 I gotta give it up to you. 1318 01:10:46,449 --> 01:10:48,885 You're the first transgender person ever to do 1319 01:10:48,985 --> 01:10:50,553 the Comedy Central Roast. 1320 01:10:50,620 --> 01:10:52,021 - Yeah! 1321 01:10:52,088 --> 01:10:54,724 [cheers and applause] 1322 01:10:56,926 --> 01:11:00,563 I believe you're normalizing what should be normal, 1323 01:11:00,630 --> 01:11:02,999 and you proved tonight you're not just a great athlete-- 1324 01:11:03,065 --> 01:11:05,501 the greatest athlete-- you're also a great sport, 1325 01:11:05,568 --> 01:11:07,737 which I think is really important. 1326 01:11:09,605 --> 01:11:12,375 And you're an inspiration to Republican transgender 1327 01:11:12,442 --> 01:11:15,311 Olympic decathlon winners everywhere. 1328 01:11:21,084 --> 01:11:22,385 Mr. Alec Baldwin, 1329 01:11:22,452 --> 01:11:26,255 thank you for doing this tonight for charity. 1330 01:11:26,322 --> 01:11:28,691 And to be honest, 1331 01:11:28,758 --> 01:11:32,061 making fun of you wasn't easy because you have it all. 1332 01:11:32,128 --> 01:11:34,363 A great career, a beautiful family, 1333 01:11:34,430 --> 01:11:36,032 good looks, intelligence, 1334 01:11:36,099 --> 01:11:37,400 and you know what? 1335 01:11:37,467 --> 01:11:40,870 You should run for president someday. 1336 01:11:40,970 --> 01:11:42,105 Yeah. 1337 01:11:42,171 --> 01:11:43,606 I think you got a good shot 1338 01:11:43,673 --> 01:11:45,141 'cause in addition to all that, 1339 01:11:45,208 --> 01:11:46,976 you're also a piece of shit. 1340 01:11:49,612 --> 01:11:52,181 Coffee is for closers. Good night, everybody. 1341 01:11:52,248 --> 01:11:53,783 I love you guys. 1342 01:11:53,916 --> 01:11:57,653 [rock music] 1343 01:11:57,720 --> 01:11:59,555 - You never disappoint. - Oh! 1344 01:11:59,622 --> 01:12:01,057 - Thank you, man. 1345 01:12:01,124 --> 01:12:02,358 - Coming up... 1346 01:12:02,425 --> 01:12:04,694 - Why are you wearing those fucking shoes? 1347 01:12:04,761 --> 01:12:06,796 I'm sorry. I yelled at my daughter. 1348 01:12:06,929 --> 01:12:07,797 - Already. 1349 01:12:07,930 --> 01:12:09,432 - Alec Baldwin. 1350 01:12:09,499 --> 01:12:11,167 - The chance to have the Empire State Building 1351 01:12:11,234 --> 01:12:14,303 shoved up my ass one brick at a time, 1352 01:12:14,370 --> 01:12:15,538 and who wouldn't be looking forward to that? 1353 01:12:17,006 --> 01:12:19,975 [upbeat music] 1354 01:12:20,042 --> 01:12:24,113 - And now for the man of the hour, Alec. 1355 01:12:24,180 --> 01:12:27,216 [cheers and applause] 1356 01:12:28,684 --> 01:12:30,786 We've known each other for a very long time, 1357 01:12:30,853 --> 01:12:33,289 so when you asked me to host, I didn't hesitate to say yes, 1358 01:12:33,356 --> 01:12:35,624 especially knowing it was for such a great charity 1359 01:12:35,691 --> 01:12:37,827 called Exploring the Arts. 1360 01:12:37,893 --> 01:12:39,495 You've been a great sport tonight, 1361 01:12:39,562 --> 01:12:40,796 a great friend over the years, 1362 01:12:40,863 --> 01:12:43,432 and I love you very, very much. 1363 01:12:43,499 --> 01:12:45,334 Uh, thank you for having me... 1364 01:12:45,401 --> 01:12:47,570 is something your kids will never say. 1365 01:12:47,636 --> 01:12:50,406 [laughter] 1366 01:12:50,473 --> 01:12:53,676 He's living proof that yoga doesn't work for everyone. 1367 01:12:53,743 --> 01:12:56,679 For your own safety, no flash photography. 1368 01:12:56,746 --> 01:12:58,447 Alec Baldwin. 1369 01:12:58,514 --> 01:13:01,117 ["My Way" playing] 1370 01:13:01,183 --> 01:13:04,220 [cheers and applause] 1371 01:13:07,123 --> 01:13:09,892 - Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. 1372 01:13:11,627 --> 01:13:12,561 Sit down. Come on. 1373 01:13:12,628 --> 01:13:14,397 Come on. [clears throat] 1374 01:13:14,463 --> 01:13:15,664 [clears throat] 1375 01:13:16,732 --> 01:13:18,701 What a night. 1376 01:13:18,768 --> 01:13:21,570 You all talked about me berating the paparazzi, 1377 01:13:21,637 --> 01:13:23,205 marrying a woman half my age, 1378 01:13:23,272 --> 01:13:25,941 and so many other memorable achievements. 1379 01:13:28,144 --> 01:13:30,680 I'm glad you all had fun and a sizable amount 1380 01:13:30,746 --> 01:13:32,815 of TV exposure at my expense, 1381 01:13:32,915 --> 01:13:36,118 but just--there's one more charitable act 1382 01:13:36,185 --> 01:13:38,020 that I've done that I won't get credit for. 1383 01:13:39,288 --> 01:13:41,490 I'm a generous guy, so sharing the spotlight 1384 01:13:41,557 --> 01:13:44,360 is my gift to all of you. 1385 01:13:46,662 --> 01:13:48,564 But at the same time, I want to set all of you straight. 1386 01:13:48,631 --> 01:13:49,932 Not you, Sean. 1387 01:13:49,965 --> 01:13:51,801 If your father couldn't do that, how can I? 1388 01:13:54,103 --> 01:13:55,504 - [laughs] 1389 01:13:55,571 --> 01:13:57,707 - Sean, you proved to the world that gay characters 1390 01:13:57,773 --> 01:13:59,442 could be successful in prime time, 1391 01:13:59,508 --> 01:14:01,944 and tonight you proved once and for all 1392 01:14:01,944 --> 01:14:04,580 that Neil Patrick Harris wasn't available. 1393 01:14:09,251 --> 01:14:12,154 Sean, you have the face of a ventriloquist doll 1394 01:14:12,221 --> 01:14:15,091 and the asshole of a much larger ventriloquist doll. 1395 01:14:20,396 --> 01:14:23,132 Blake Griffin, my gift to you is bringing awareness 1396 01:14:23,199 --> 01:14:26,535 to whatever tragic skin disease it is you have. 1397 01:14:26,602 --> 01:14:28,804 [clears throat] 1398 01:14:30,906 --> 01:14:32,408 You're a remarkable man, Blake. 1399 01:14:33,909 --> 01:14:36,078 I wish we were as close as your eyes are. 1400 01:14:41,751 --> 01:14:43,652 Blake Griffin, tonight you demonstrated 1401 01:14:43,719 --> 01:14:46,222 what you do best: sitting while others score. 1402 01:14:50,493 --> 01:14:52,595 Adam Carolla, 1403 01:14:52,661 --> 01:14:55,297 I assume you're here to measure all of us for cages. 1404 01:14:58,467 --> 01:15:00,403 Adam, you might have your own vineyard, 1405 01:15:00,469 --> 01:15:04,407 but you do most of your white wining on your podcast. 1406 01:15:04,473 --> 01:15:05,941 Have you heard it? 1407 01:15:06,008 --> 01:15:08,744 Have you heard his podcast? 1408 01:15:08,811 --> 01:15:09,945 It's fantastic. 1409 01:15:10,012 --> 01:15:12,148 Number two in the mass shooter demo. 1410 01:15:15,584 --> 01:15:17,553 Adam's wife has her own podcast too. 1411 01:15:17,620 --> 01:15:19,655 It's called "Can I Speak Now?" 1412 01:15:23,392 --> 01:15:25,161 Adam Carolla also hosted a show 1413 01:15:25,227 --> 01:15:27,196 for car geeks called "Top Gear." 1414 01:15:27,263 --> 01:15:28,898 His favorite episode was finding 1415 01:15:28,898 --> 01:15:30,299 the most fuel-efficient car 1416 01:15:30,366 --> 01:15:32,635 to drive into a crowd in Charlottesville. 1417 01:15:37,740 --> 01:15:41,143 We're all learning. It's all we can do. 1418 01:15:41,210 --> 01:15:43,179 I didn't even know what a Nikki Glaser was 1419 01:15:43,245 --> 01:15:44,914 before tonight, and I still don't. 1420 01:15:46,682 --> 01:15:49,151 Were you the flight attendant I was rude to? 1421 01:15:49,218 --> 01:15:50,619 I'm sorry if you were, 1422 01:15:50,686 --> 01:15:52,655 but I don't regret finishing my game 1423 01:15:52,722 --> 01:15:54,924 of "Words With Friends" on that flight. 1424 01:15:57,059 --> 01:16:01,097 I sniped an incredible 92-pointer with "zymurgy." 1425 01:16:04,200 --> 01:16:05,334 Zymurgy, Bob. 1426 01:16:05,401 --> 01:16:07,036 Isn't that your second wife's name? 1427 01:16:11,007 --> 01:16:12,308 No, wait. 1428 01:16:12,375 --> 01:16:13,943 No, wait, it's the medication Jeff Ross takes 1429 01:16:13,976 --> 01:16:16,445 for losing his battle with seepage. 1430 01:16:18,781 --> 01:16:20,516 - I don't know what that means. 1431 01:16:20,583 --> 01:16:24,053 - What devastating comment could I make about Nikki Glaser 1432 01:16:24,120 --> 01:16:26,155 that she hasn't already muttered to herself 1433 01:16:26,222 --> 01:16:28,124 in a mirror at Equinox? 1434 01:16:28,190 --> 01:16:30,226 - [laughs] 1435 01:16:30,292 --> 01:16:32,595 That's so true. 1436 01:16:33,462 --> 01:16:34,897 That's so tr-- 1437 01:16:34,897 --> 01:16:37,366 - Caroline Rhea. Caroline, I just love you. 1438 01:16:37,433 --> 01:16:39,668 You are so open and honest. 1439 01:16:39,735 --> 01:16:41,137 Backstage she told all of us 1440 01:16:41,203 --> 01:16:43,139 she hasn't been laid in so long, 1441 01:16:43,205 --> 01:16:44,907 she went through Caitlyn Jenner's trash 1442 01:16:44,974 --> 01:16:46,442 looking for dick. 1443 01:16:48,911 --> 01:16:50,379 [clears throat] 1444 01:16:50,446 --> 01:16:52,915 But you were great tonight. 1445 01:16:52,948 --> 01:16:54,316 You were great tonight. 1446 01:16:54,383 --> 01:16:55,985 This is the longest you've gone without mentioning 1447 01:16:56,052 --> 01:16:57,553 "Sabrina the Teenage Witch." 1448 01:16:57,620 --> 01:16:59,055 True story, 1449 01:16:59,121 --> 01:17:01,524 Caroline visited my sick mother when she was dying 1450 01:17:01,590 --> 01:17:03,092 of cancer in the hospital. 1451 01:17:03,159 --> 01:17:05,428 We sat for a bit, and then she turned on the TV 1452 01:17:05,494 --> 01:17:07,697 and said, "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" is on. 1453 01:17:09,365 --> 01:17:12,435 Caroline, you totally get the assist on that suicide. 1454 01:17:16,739 --> 01:17:19,108 My mom attacked that morphine button 1455 01:17:19,175 --> 01:17:21,177 like she was trying to buzz in on "Jeopardy!" 1456 01:17:28,551 --> 01:17:31,220 Ken Jeong, I'm proud of you. 1457 01:17:31,287 --> 01:17:34,056 Normally you come across like an Asian stereotype, 1458 01:17:34,123 --> 01:17:35,991 but tonight your lips totally matched 1459 01:17:36,058 --> 01:17:37,259 the words you were saying. 1460 01:17:37,326 --> 01:17:39,895 - [laughs] - I'm-- 1461 01:17:39,895 --> 01:17:41,330 I'm such a fan of your work. 1462 01:17:41,397 --> 01:17:43,399 The way you flipped that shrimp tail into your hat 1463 01:17:43,466 --> 01:17:45,301 on my birthday was just genius. 1464 01:17:50,940 --> 01:17:53,709 I realize I'm not very big in the Asian community, 1465 01:17:53,776 --> 01:17:55,811 but I suppose there's a good reason. 1466 01:17:55,911 --> 01:17:57,947 The hardest possible title for you to pronounce 1467 01:17:58,014 --> 01:18:00,249 is "Glengarry Glen Ross." 1468 01:18:04,920 --> 01:18:07,623 Jeff Ross, everybody. Jeff Ross. 1469 01:18:07,690 --> 01:18:11,160 [cheers and applause] 1470 01:18:11,227 --> 01:18:12,328 I'm gonna be honest. 1471 01:18:12,395 --> 01:18:13,929 I'm surrounded by so many friends, 1472 01:18:13,996 --> 01:18:16,532 but you are a mandatory fixture here. 1473 01:18:18,434 --> 01:18:20,302 It's like you bought a beautiful new house 1474 01:18:20,369 --> 01:18:22,571 and they wouldn't let you chop down this one fat, 1475 01:18:22,638 --> 01:18:24,640 ugly tree for some stupid reason. 1476 01:18:26,942 --> 01:18:29,378 Jeff Ross is obsessed with food. 1477 01:18:29,445 --> 01:18:31,480 He meets the Domino's guy halfway. 1478 01:18:31,547 --> 01:18:34,483 - [laughs] 1479 01:18:34,550 --> 01:18:36,352 - At his birthday when he blew out the candles, 1480 01:18:36,419 --> 01:18:38,154 he wished for another cake. 1481 01:18:42,458 --> 01:18:44,326 [laughter] 1482 01:18:44,393 --> 01:18:46,228 [clears throat] 1483 01:18:46,295 --> 01:18:48,931 Caitlyn Jenner is an American gold medalist 1484 01:18:48,998 --> 01:18:51,467 who changed genders and somehow still managed 1485 01:18:51,534 --> 01:18:54,236 to be the least interesting member of her family. 1486 01:18:57,206 --> 01:19:00,476 Her strength and beauty are as hypnotic 1487 01:19:00,543 --> 01:19:03,946 as a Salvador Dalí painting of Kellyanne Conway. 1488 01:19:07,917 --> 01:19:10,319 You look like a real doll 1489 01:19:10,386 --> 01:19:14,824 that's been fucked a little too close to the fireplace. 1490 01:19:23,032 --> 01:19:24,400 Chris Redd. 1491 01:19:25,601 --> 01:19:27,002 As you know, you were one 1492 01:19:27,069 --> 01:19:29,171 of the true highlights for me when I appeared on "SNL" 1493 01:19:29,238 --> 01:19:31,874 all last season. You're great. 1494 01:19:31,941 --> 01:19:33,876 He's doing a new character at "SNL" 1495 01:19:33,909 --> 01:19:36,278 called "comedian in car getting coffee 1496 01:19:36,345 --> 01:19:38,414 for the rest of the cast." 1497 01:19:39,882 --> 01:19:44,487 Chris, you are so talented. 1498 01:19:44,553 --> 01:19:46,555 I just hope everyone can recognize you 1499 01:19:46,622 --> 01:19:48,891 without the credits rolling over your face. 1500 01:19:51,394 --> 01:19:54,096 Robert De Niro, everybody! Robert De Niro! 1501 01:19:54,163 --> 01:19:56,899 [cheers and applause] 1502 01:19:56,932 --> 01:19:59,268 Thank you for bringing-- 1503 01:19:59,335 --> 01:20:00,503 thank you for bringing some 1504 01:20:00,569 --> 01:20:03,005 actual star power to this event. 1505 01:20:03,072 --> 01:20:05,274 Robert De Niro is a legend when it comes 1506 01:20:05,341 --> 01:20:06,742 to preparing for roles. 1507 01:20:06,809 --> 01:20:10,046 Before "Taxi Driver," he drove 15-hour days in a cab. 1508 01:20:10,112 --> 01:20:12,481 Before "Raging Bull," he gained 60 pounds. 1509 01:20:12,548 --> 01:20:14,383 And before we filmed "The Good Shepherd" together, 1510 01:20:14,450 --> 01:20:16,218 he fucked a sheep. 1511 01:20:17,420 --> 01:20:19,855 It was really weird. 1512 01:20:19,889 --> 01:20:22,191 But that's why he's the best. 1513 01:20:24,226 --> 01:20:25,895 If you're gonna be the GOAT, 1514 01:20:25,961 --> 01:20:28,531 you gotta fuck a few sheep. 1515 01:20:30,499 --> 01:20:32,401 [clears throat] 1516 01:20:32,468 --> 01:20:35,071 So you all think I have rage? I don't have rage. 1517 01:20:35,137 --> 01:20:37,006 I have passion. 1518 01:20:37,073 --> 01:20:40,910 Passion like Robert De Niro at a Philadelphia strip club. 1519 01:20:42,378 --> 01:20:44,914 Passion like Ken Jeong dry cleaning the matcha 1520 01:20:44,980 --> 01:20:47,883 out of Sean Hayes' capri pants. 1521 01:20:49,785 --> 01:20:52,154 I've got a bigger heart than the medical condition 1522 01:20:52,221 --> 01:20:55,091 that will kill Blake Griffin in his 40s. 1523 01:20:58,627 --> 01:21:00,596 And I have a brain, Nikki. 1524 01:21:00,663 --> 01:21:02,498 And balls, Caitlyn. 1525 01:21:02,565 --> 01:21:05,134 And I'm more than a podcast, Carolla. 1526 01:21:05,201 --> 01:21:08,571 My emergency contact is not my cat, Caroline. 1527 01:21:13,242 --> 01:21:15,845 And I don't eat my own semen, Jeff. 1528 01:21:17,847 --> 01:21:20,249 And unlike Chris Redd in a photo at night, 1529 01:21:20,316 --> 01:21:21,717 I showed up. 1530 01:21:23,652 --> 01:21:25,588 And so did you. 1531 01:21:25,654 --> 01:21:27,990 And I wanna thank all of you for that. 1532 01:21:28,057 --> 01:21:29,859 I love all of you. 1533 01:21:29,892 --> 01:21:31,961 And if you don't believe me, 1534 01:21:32,028 --> 01:21:35,264 just check your voice mails. 1535 01:21:35,331 --> 01:21:37,166 Say what you want. I'm still here. 1536 01:21:37,233 --> 01:21:40,036 I didn't do it by starring in hit after hit. 1537 01:21:40,102 --> 01:21:42,138 I didn't do it by keeping my cool. 1538 01:21:42,204 --> 01:21:44,874 I did it my way. 1539 01:21:44,907 --> 01:21:48,044 Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Anka. 1540 01:21:48,110 --> 01:21:51,147 [cheers and applause] 1541 01:21:51,213 --> 01:21:54,183 ["My Way" playing] 1542 01:21:54,250 --> 01:22:00,222 - [singing] Regrets, he had a few 1543 01:22:00,289 --> 01:22:04,994 But then again, too few to mention 1544 01:22:05,061 --> 01:22:10,066 He did what he had to do 1545 01:22:10,132 --> 01:22:12,968 He saw it through 1546 01:22:13,035 --> 01:22:16,272 Without exemption 1547 01:22:16,339 --> 01:22:21,477 He planned each charted course 1548 01:22:21,544 --> 01:22:27,316 Each careful step along the byway 1549 01:22:27,383 --> 01:22:32,254 And more, much more than this 1550 01:22:32,321 --> 01:22:36,559 He did it his way 1551 01:22:36,625 --> 01:22:37,593 Alec Baldwin! 1552 01:22:37,660 --> 01:22:41,030 - [singing] For what is a man 1553 01:22:41,097 --> 01:22:43,833 What has he got 1554 01:22:43,899 --> 01:22:48,804 If not himself, then he has naught 1555 01:22:48,871 --> 01:22:51,507 - [singing] Just say the things 1556 01:22:51,574 --> 01:22:54,210 You truly feel 1557 01:22:54,276 --> 01:22:57,546 - [singing] And are the words 1558 01:22:57,613 --> 01:23:00,249 Of one who kneels 1559 01:23:00,316 --> 01:23:02,385 - [singing] The record shows 1560 01:23:02,451 --> 01:23:05,287 - [singing] I took the blows 1561 01:23:05,354 --> 01:23:08,524 [both singing] And did it 1562 01:23:08,591 --> 01:23:15,364 My way 1563 01:23:15,431 --> 01:23:18,467 [cheers and applause] 1564 01:23:23,406 --> 01:23:25,675 - Thank you. Thank you. 114342

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