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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:38,241 --> 00:00:43,241 Subtitles by explosiveskull Resync by GoldenBeard 2 00:00:46,179 --> 00:00:51,616 ♪ I'll have a blue Christmas ♪ 3 00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:53,354 ♪ Without you ♪ 4 00:00:55,155 --> 00:00:59,156 ♪ I'll be so blue ♪ 5 00:00:59,158 --> 00:01:02,963 ♪ Thinkin' about you ♪ 6 00:01:05,332 --> 00:01:10,501 ♪ You'll be doin' alright ♪ 7 00:01:10,503 --> 00:01:14,508 ♪ With your Christmas of white ♪ 8 00:01:15,808 --> 00:01:19,177 ♪ But I'll have a blue ♪ 9 00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:21,983 ♪ Blue Christmas ♪♪ 10 00:01:25,185 --> 00:01:27,119 I'm Amy Mitchell. 11 00:01:27,121 --> 00:01:28,486 And this year 12 00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:30,390 I ruined Christmas. 13 00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:33,225 Christmas is by far 14 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:35,960 the most stressful time of the year for moms. 15 00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:38,163 There are a million things to do. 16 00:01:38,165 --> 00:01:40,231 And you have to do them all perfectly 17 00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:42,466 or else you will never forgive yourself. 18 00:01:42,468 --> 00:01:45,669 And more importantly, neither will your kids. 19 00:01:45,671 --> 00:01:47,038 I literally feel like 20 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,740 the worst mom in the world right now. 21 00:01:55,748 --> 00:01:58,183 Maybe I should start at the beginning. 22 00:02:04,058 --> 00:02:06,223 I've always loved Christmas. 23 00:02:06,225 --> 00:02:09,160 It's my favorite time of the year. 24 00:02:09,162 --> 00:02:12,366 Most of all, I love the time with my family. 25 00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:17,568 Because all I want 26 00:02:17,570 --> 00:02:19,671 all any mom wants 27 00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:22,106 is for their kids to have an amazing Christmas. 28 00:02:22,108 --> 00:02:23,675 ♪ Can't love me like you ♪ 29 00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:26,710 ♪ L-O-V-E ♪♪ 30 00:02:26,712 --> 00:02:30,549 That said, Christmas is an insane amount of work. 31 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,416 First, you have to buy gifts 32 00:02:32,418 --> 00:02:34,619 for every human being you've ever met. 33 00:02:34,621 --> 00:02:38,356 I gave my coffee guy a scented candle this year. 34 00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:40,459 Why did I do that? 35 00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:42,594 Then, you have to decorate your house 36 00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,796 which, clearly, I suck at. 37 00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:48,266 I'm doing the best I can, Charmaine! 38 00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:51,369 Then, you have to go to all your kids' Christmas shows 39 00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:52,637 which are... 40 00:02:54,707 --> 00:02:56,475 Yeah. 41 00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:59,543 Then, there's all the over-the-top Christmas parties. 42 00:02:59,545 --> 00:03:00,811 Oh, my God. 43 00:03:00,813 --> 00:03:02,714 Are these lobster Santa hats? 44 00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,316 Are these a thing now? 45 00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:06,417 What the fuck? 46 00:03:06,419 --> 00:03:08,386 Then, there's all the cooking 47 00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:10,322 all the cleaning 48 00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:11,889 all the wrapping. 49 00:03:11,891 --> 00:03:14,091 It's insane! 50 00:03:14,093 --> 00:03:16,460 There's just never enough time. 51 00:03:16,462 --> 00:03:17,828 Argh! 52 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,672 - Hi, mom. - Hey. 53 00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:28,940 - Hey! - How was the game? 54 00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:30,407 It was great! The Bulls won. 55 00:03:30,409 --> 00:03:33,078 - Yes! Congratulations. - Yes! 56 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:34,411 - Hi, honey. - I love you, baby. 57 00:03:34,413 --> 00:03:36,847 Wow. Your house looks really great. 58 00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:38,183 Oh, thank you. 59 00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:40,317 I still-I still got lots left to do, but... 60 00:03:40,319 --> 00:03:41,653 Can I do anything to help? 61 00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,020 No, no, not unless you know how 62 00:03:43,022 --> 00:03:44,788 to magically fix Christmas lights. 63 00:03:44,790 --> 00:03:46,257 Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. 64 00:03:46,259 --> 00:03:47,826 Yeah, you just swap out the fuse. 65 00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,627 It's pretty easy. 66 00:03:49,629 --> 00:03:52,496 That's pretty hot. I won't lie. 67 00:03:52,498 --> 00:03:54,933 Oh, you're definitely getting the gold-star treatment tonight. 68 00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,501 I like that, but hold that thought. 69 00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:57,672 Okay. 70 00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:02,941 Oh. Your dad is awesome. 71 00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:04,709 I thought you hated him. 72 00:04:04,711 --> 00:04:08,213 What? No, honey, what? Why would you say that? 73 00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:10,715 When you came over to the house last week 74 00:04:10,717 --> 00:04:12,284 I heard you and daddy in the bedroom 75 00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:14,655 and you kept screaming at him. 76 00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:17,822 Oh, yeah. 77 00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:19,490 No, honey, those were... 78 00:04:19,492 --> 00:04:20,991 Those were happy screams. 79 00:04:20,993 --> 00:04:22,994 They didn't sound happy. 80 00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:24,529 And then you punched the wall 81 00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:26,864 and yelled the F-word. 82 00:04:26,866 --> 00:04:29,201 Okay, I-I, um... 83 00:04:29,203 --> 00:04:30,734 Yeah, I don't, I don't really recall 84 00:04:30,736 --> 00:04:32,237 doing that, so, yeah. 85 00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,572 - I don't know if that happened. - You did. 86 00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:36,407 You were like, "Oh, my fucking God!" 87 00:04:36,409 --> 00:04:37,909 Just like that. 88 00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:39,376 "Oh, my fucking God!" 89 00:04:39,378 --> 00:04:41,479 Okay, alright. Shh! Shh! 90 00:04:41,481 --> 00:04:43,748 Um, here's the thing. 91 00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:45,516 Your dad and I were just playing a fun 92 00:04:45,518 --> 00:04:46,751 little grown-up game. 93 00:04:46,753 --> 00:04:49,420 You played the game seven times. 94 00:04:49,422 --> 00:04:50,722 Six and a half. But who's counting? 95 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,691 Here's the thing, let's just not... 96 00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:53,924 Let's just not talk about this. 97 00:04:53,926 --> 00:04:55,193 - Cool? - Cool. 98 00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:57,031 - High-five. Awesome. - Got it. 99 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,537 Oh, no. 100 00:05:04,503 --> 00:05:05,873 What is it? 101 00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:09,409 My mother's coming for Christmas. 102 00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:12,876 Oh, my fucking God! 103 00:05:16,015 --> 00:05:18,753 Thanks for helping me decorate the tree, guys. 104 00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:24,088 Bernard, let's hang 'em on the tree. Okay, buddy? 105 00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:25,890 Oh, who put the big brown ornament 106 00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:27,391 right on the front of the tree? 107 00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:29,527 - It looks like doodie. - Yes, it does, baby. 108 00:05:29,529 --> 00:05:31,395 And that's why mommy's gonna move it around back. 109 00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:32,797 Oh, no, sweetie 110 00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:34,465 we don't drink the tree water. 111 00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:35,700 We don't drink the tree water 112 00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:37,035 'cause we're people, right? 113 00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:39,136 Mommy, is there a Santa Claus? 114 00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:40,604 You bet there is, buddy. 115 00:05:40,606 --> 00:05:43,475 - I know. - Are you lying to me, mommy? 116 00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:45,309 Oh, God, make it stop. 117 00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:47,946 What else have you lied about? 118 00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,814 - Hey, babe. - Hey, dad. 119 00:05:49,816 --> 00:05:51,549 - Hi, guys. - Hi. 120 00:05:51,551 --> 00:05:52,920 - You alright? - Yeah. 121 00:05:54,253 --> 00:05:55,720 - Tree looks great. - Thank you. 122 00:05:55,722 --> 00:05:57,321 - Want me to feed the twins? - Yes, please. 123 00:05:57,323 --> 00:05:59,391 - Hey, buddy. Good to see you. - Thank you. 124 00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:00,424 - Let's get some food. - It's okay, buddy. 125 00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:01,458 Aw, it's alright. 126 00:06:08,635 --> 00:06:11,068 Hah! Merry Christmas, Kiki! 127 00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:15,306 - Mom? Hi! - Oh... my... gosh! 128 00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:17,275 I thought you weren't coming until Friday. 129 00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:19,643 Well, I just hopped on an earlier flight. 130 00:06:19,645 --> 00:06:23,080 - Three days earlier? - Oh. 131 00:06:23,082 --> 00:06:25,282 I-I haven't made up the guest bedroom or anything. 132 00:06:25,284 --> 00:06:27,619 That's okay. I'll just sleep with you. 133 00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,420 Big spoon, little spoon. 134 00:06:29,422 --> 00:06:31,323 I usually sleep with my husband now. 135 00:06:31,325 --> 00:06:33,361 Hey, you wanna see the sweatshirt I made? 136 00:06:34,794 --> 00:06:37,662 I love this picture. 137 00:06:37,664 --> 00:06:40,498 And look, you were just getting your little tiny breasts. 138 00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:42,366 - Well, one of 'em, anyway. - You just got here. 139 00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:43,701 Let's not talk about my breasts. 140 00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:45,302 - Then the other one popped out. - Yeah. 141 00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:47,338 Thank goodness! 142 00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:49,506 Oh, Keeks! 143 00:06:49,508 --> 00:06:51,643 If you play your cards right, you could get 144 00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:53,311 a sweatshirt just like this for Christmas. 145 00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:55,280 Oh, no. 146 00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:58,982 Oh, Kiki Dee, I cannot wait 147 00:06:58,984 --> 00:07:02,119 to spend every waking minute 148 00:07:02,121 --> 00:07:03,987 of the next three weeks with you. 149 00:07:03,989 --> 00:07:05,290 Hmm... 150 00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:07,057 Oh! 151 00:07:07,059 --> 00:07:10,194 Hmm... 152 00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:11,328 Are you smelling my hair? 153 00:07:11,330 --> 00:07:12,963 Yes. 154 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,573 Oh, my God. 155 00:07:22,575 --> 00:07:24,408 If I have to wax one more pussy today 156 00:07:24,410 --> 00:07:26,143 I'm gonna black out. 157 00:07:26,145 --> 00:07:27,912 Since when did every woman in America 158 00:07:27,914 --> 00:07:31,549 need a completely hairless vagina on Christmas? 159 00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:35,489 Anyone else here for a wax? 160 00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:40,991 Oh, my God, that's like 50 more vaginas. 161 00:07:40,993 --> 00:07:42,395 Okay, who's next? 162 00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:46,330 Oh, no, not you, sasquatch. 163 00:07:46,332 --> 00:07:48,665 I can't handle you right now. 164 00:07:48,667 --> 00:07:50,570 Hmm, let's see. 165 00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:55,376 Oh. You. Betty White. 166 00:07:56,542 --> 00:07:58,609 I'm intrigued. 167 00:07:58,611 --> 00:07:59,780 Come with me. 168 00:08:13,859 --> 00:08:17,128 Hey, what's up, lady? 169 00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,763 - Mom? - Ha-ha! 170 00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:20,898 Wait, what the actual fuck? 171 00:08:23,035 --> 00:08:24,802 Oh, my God! 172 00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:28,472 Ah! My God! My God! 173 00:08:28,474 --> 00:08:29,874 Oh, my God! 174 00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:32,443 Wait, I... Well, you didn't tell me 175 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,212 you were coming for Christmas. 176 00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:36,213 It's Christmas? 177 00:08:36,215 --> 00:08:37,881 Uh, yeah. Isn't that why you're here? 178 00:08:37,883 --> 00:08:39,751 Totally! Totally why I'm here. 179 00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:42,220 Merry Christmas, lady. Merry Christmas. 180 00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,254 Jesus, look at you! 181 00:08:44,256 --> 00:08:45,790 You bitch, you don't age at all. 182 00:08:45,792 --> 00:08:47,225 Look how fucking hot you look! 183 00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:48,626 Look at those boobs. 184 00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:51,395 Oh, thanks. You're lookin' a little bit older. 185 00:08:51,397 --> 00:08:53,330 But good, you look good. 186 00:08:53,332 --> 00:08:55,066 What's it been, like three years? 187 00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:56,467 Three? 188 00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:58,136 Whoa, really? 189 00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:59,404 Oh, gosh. I don't know, babe. 190 00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:00,737 I don't really know what year it is. 191 00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:04,641 Why are you wearing black pajamas? 192 00:09:04,643 --> 00:09:07,978 Oh, uh... No, yeah, I, uh... 193 00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:09,981 I work at a spa. 194 00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:12,150 You have a fucking job? 195 00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:13,753 Yeah. Yeah. 196 00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:17,521 I'm tryin' to be more responsible and shit. 197 00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:21,528 Oh, you always were so weird. 198 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:25,762 So why are you really here, mom? 199 00:09:25,764 --> 00:09:27,765 What do you mean? 200 00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:30,300 Well, you only come when you need money. 201 00:09:30,302 --> 00:09:32,169 Uh, oh... No, no, no. 202 00:09:32,171 --> 00:09:34,038 I don't gamble anymore. 203 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:35,472 No, I'm just here to see 204 00:09:35,474 --> 00:09:36,974 my daughter on Easter. 205 00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:38,611 - Christmas. - Christmas. 206 00:09:39,979 --> 00:09:41,445 So I think we should celebrate. 207 00:09:41,447 --> 00:09:44,115 I know, Thunder Down Under 208 00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:46,150 is playing by the airport. 209 00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:48,122 I think we should hit that hard. 210 00:09:49,455 --> 00:09:51,622 - Male strippers? - Yeah. 211 00:09:51,624 --> 00:09:53,625 - With my mother? - Mm-hm-hm. 212 00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:55,059 On Christmas? 213 00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:56,196 Yeah. 214 00:09:57,162 --> 00:09:59,163 How could I say no? 215 00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:01,332 Let's go slap some wieners, bitch! 216 00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,635 - Alright! That's my girl. - Whoo! 217 00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,203 Oh, my God, Jaxon is gonna 218 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:07,137 shit himself when he sees you. 219 00:10:07,139 --> 00:10:08,640 Still got that kid, huh? 220 00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:09,841 Yup, yup. 221 00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:11,476 How old is he now? 222 00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,477 Oh, 15 or 17. 223 00:10:13,479 --> 00:10:15,682 - Oh, cute, cute. - Yeah. 224 00:10:20,253 --> 00:10:21,586 So your mom and dad have never 225 00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:22,687 been here on Christmas before? 226 00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:24,822 Um, no, no. 227 00:10:24,824 --> 00:10:26,723 Okay, wait, do you, do you think that I made enough food? 228 00:10:26,725 --> 00:10:28,226 Uh, seriously? 229 00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:29,593 I can make quiche. I'm gonna go make quiche. 230 00:10:29,595 --> 00:10:31,563 Babe, everything's gonna be fine. 231 00:10:31,565 --> 00:10:33,865 No, honey, it's not gonna be fine. 232 00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:37,868 My mom is the most critical human being on the planet. 233 00:10:37,870 --> 00:10:39,203 When I was six years old 234 00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:41,005 I made her a birthday card. 235 00:10:41,007 --> 00:10:42,573 And she returned it with notes. 236 00:10:42,575 --> 00:10:43,775 Okay, that's fucked up. 237 00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,443 The point is she's perfect 238 00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:48,112 at everything and she is impossible to please. 239 00:10:48,114 --> 00:10:49,546 But if she's impossible to please 240 00:10:49,548 --> 00:10:50,615 why're you tryin' so hard to please her? 241 00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:52,049 Listen, I'll tell you the truth. 242 00:10:52,051 --> 00:10:53,217 Daughters spend their whole lives trying 243 00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:54,551 to please their mothers, and mothers 244 00:10:54,553 --> 00:10:55,687 spend their whole lives 245 00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,221 shitting all over their daughters. 246 00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:59,357 It's just how the world works. Okay? I can't fix that. 247 00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:01,626 I'm not, I'm not fucking Beyoncé. 248 00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:03,861 Well, y-y-you are to me. 249 00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:05,029 - Ugh. - I love you. 250 00:11:05,031 --> 00:11:06,097 I love you. 251 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:08,632 - Mmm. - Okay. 252 00:11:08,634 --> 00:11:09,967 You think your mom's gonna like me? 253 00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:11,068 No. 254 00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:13,704 I'm sorry we're late. 255 00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:15,439 Hank drives like a girl. 256 00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:16,540 Merry Christmas, grandma and grandpa! 257 00:11:16,542 --> 00:11:17,875 Merry Christmas, grandpa! 258 00:11:17,877 --> 00:11:18,910 - Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas! 259 00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:20,078 Merry Christmas, dad. 260 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,879 Here, have some X-Boxes. 261 00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:23,548 - Are you serious? - Thank you so much. 262 00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:24,982 Mum would never let us have these. 263 00:11:24,984 --> 00:11:26,818 Thank you. 264 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:29,252 Hi, Ms. Redmond, I'm Jessie. 265 00:11:29,254 --> 00:11:30,722 It's so nice to meet you. 266 00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:33,993 Please take the bags upstairs. Gracias. 267 00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:37,094 Okay. Hi, mom. 268 00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:38,630 - Amy. - Hi. 269 00:11:38,632 --> 00:11:40,097 - You look pale. - Oh. 270 00:11:40,099 --> 00:11:41,632 I'm just trying out a new skin thing. 271 00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,067 Oh, good, it's just bad makeup. 272 00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:44,135 You're not dying. 273 00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:45,435 Where's your tree? 274 00:11:45,437 --> 00:11:47,304 I-I haven't had time to get one yet. 275 00:11:47,306 --> 00:11:49,073 Amy, it's December 19th. 276 00:11:49,075 --> 00:11:51,476 Even the Jews have Christmas trees by now. 277 00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:52,809 Never mind, we'll get one tomorrow. 278 00:11:52,811 --> 00:11:54,945 - Okay. - Huh. 279 00:11:54,947 --> 00:11:57,280 Yeah. Do you have any food? 280 00:11:57,282 --> 00:11:58,915 I haven't eaten in three days. 281 00:11:58,917 --> 00:12:01,519 Yeah. Oh, gosh, yes. I actual... I have all your favorites. 282 00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,621 It's adorable. 283 00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:05,158 You let your kids cook. 284 00:12:07,326 --> 00:12:09,026 Okay. 285 00:12:09,028 --> 00:12:12,796 Oh, I didn't know Rite Aid made Christmas decorations. 286 00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:14,665 So I have the whole week planned out. 287 00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,534 On Thursday, we'll see "The Nutcracker." 288 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:18,770 And then, of course, on Friday, we'll all go caroling. 289 00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:20,671 Unfortunately, Mike was our baritone 290 00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:22,140 and you're divorcing him. 291 00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:24,007 So we're gonna have to fill that hole 292 00:12:24,009 --> 00:12:26,110 if we're gonna win the Caroling Cup this year. 293 00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:27,779 Oh, God, the Caroling Cup? 294 00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:29,447 Darling, when I lived here 295 00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:33,317 we won the Caroling Cup nine times. 296 00:12:33,319 --> 00:12:34,685 It's too bad you've given up on 297 00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:36,453 our family's tradition of winning. 298 00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:38,555 Yeah, I guess I've just been a little busy, so... 299 00:12:38,557 --> 00:12:42,059 Well, clearly not at the gym. Whoop. 300 00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:45,129 I want to celebrate my triumphant return to Chicago. 301 00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:47,698 I wanna throw an enormous Christmas party at your house. 302 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:50,668 So I was thinking Christmas Eve, if that's convenient. 303 00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:52,870 What? No. That's not convenient. 304 00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:54,905 I mean, we can invite all of my old friends 305 00:12:54,907 --> 00:12:56,641 and we can have a sushi station 306 00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:58,241 and we can hire Kenny G 307 00:12:58,243 --> 00:12:59,711 to play Christmas music. 308 00:12:59,713 --> 00:13:01,679 I hear he's not even that expensive anymore. 309 00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:03,847 Yeah, okay, that-that sounds like a lot of work. 310 00:13:03,849 --> 00:13:06,516 Yeah. It's too bad, I've already invited everyone. 311 00:13:06,518 --> 00:13:08,185 - Where, to my house? - Yes. 312 00:13:08,187 --> 00:13:10,254 A 184 people are coming. 313 00:13:10,256 --> 00:13:11,521 What? 314 00:13:11,523 --> 00:13:12,823 Why haven't I gotten a Christmas card 315 00:13:12,825 --> 00:13:13,857 from you yet? 316 00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:15,193 I don't know, mom. 317 00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:16,761 I-I-I guess it just fell through the cracks. 318 00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,429 What is happening with you? 319 00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:19,896 Nothing. Nothing's happening to me. 320 00:13:19,898 --> 00:13:21,265 Amy, this is Christmas. 321 00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:23,233 It's the big show. 322 00:13:23,235 --> 00:13:25,837 - I know. - You can't dick around. 323 00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,738 - I'm not dicking around. - I feel you're dicking around. 324 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,339 Mom, I'm honestly not dicking around. 325 00:13:29,341 --> 00:13:30,741 Yes, you are dicking around. 326 00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:32,009 I can tell when you're dicking around. 327 00:13:32,011 --> 00:13:33,544 I'm not dicking around. 328 00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:34,879 - Dick, dick around. - Okay. 329 00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:36,914 Okay. 330 00:13:36,916 --> 00:13:38,116 I'm not dicking around. 331 00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:40,251 Alright, enough with the bad language. 332 00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:42,285 Okay. 333 00:13:42,287 --> 00:13:44,621 - I like your hair. - Really? 334 00:13:44,623 --> 00:13:47,424 Yeah, it looks like you're not trying so hard. 335 00:13:47,426 --> 00:13:49,195 Yeah. Love you. 336 00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:53,300 Oh... 337 00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,806 I can't do Christmas with my mother. 338 00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:02,240 It's like living with Saddam Hussein. 339 00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:03,641 My mom is only staying with me 340 00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,910 because I think she wants to steal my TV. 341 00:14:05,912 --> 00:14:07,578 Oh, I have to go Christmas tree shopping 342 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:08,945 with my mother tonight. 343 00:14:08,947 --> 00:14:10,147 Yeah, it's like, it's like going 344 00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:12,116 on a seven-hour death march 345 00:14:12,118 --> 00:14:13,284 around the city. 346 00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:14,418 My daughter really wants 347 00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:16,087 a Happy Happy Princess Doll 348 00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:18,222 and I have looked everywhere 349 00:14:18,224 --> 00:14:21,892 for it and I don't know where it is. 350 00:14:23,061 --> 00:14:24,629 Where is she, guys? 351 00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,063 Where is Happy Happy Princess? 352 00:14:26,065 --> 00:14:27,564 Oh, my God. 353 00:14:27,566 --> 00:14:29,833 I know it's just a doll, but God. 354 00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:32,469 Christmas is killing me this year. 355 00:14:33,772 --> 00:14:35,972 Holy fuck. 356 00:14:35,974 --> 00:14:37,741 ♪ Out of all the reindeer ♪ 357 00:14:37,743 --> 00:14:40,580 ♪ You know you're the mastermind ♪ 358 00:14:42,648 --> 00:14:44,347 ♪ Run run Rudolph ♪ 359 00:14:44,349 --> 00:14:46,820 ♪ Randolph's not too far behind ♪ 360 00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:50,954 ♪ Run run Rudolph ♪ 361 00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:52,490 ♪ Santa's got to make it to town ♪♪ 362 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,858 I can't do this shit sober. 363 00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:56,160 Me neither. 364 00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:57,828 You guys wanna get drunk at the food court? 365 00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,664 - Fuck yeah! - Yeah. 366 00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:01,034 - Come on. - Ooh, fun! 367 00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:10,641 You guys, you know what drives me crazy? 368 00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,275 - Genital warts? - What? 369 00:15:12,277 --> 00:15:14,277 - Genital warts. - No. 370 00:15:14,279 --> 00:15:15,512 Carla, no. 371 00:15:15,514 --> 00:15:17,048 No, w-w-what drives me crazy 372 00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:18,549 is the-is the pressure that we put on ourselves 373 00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:20,717 to make Christmas perfect, guys. 374 00:15:20,719 --> 00:15:22,453 Look, Christmas is supposed to be fun. 375 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:24,822 Yes, why am I responsible 376 00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:26,723 for getting every gift for everyone 377 00:15:26,725 --> 00:15:28,391 in my entire family? 378 00:15:28,393 --> 00:15:29,727 I mean, just 'cause I'm a girl? 379 00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:31,395 - Yeah. - It's 2017! 380 00:15:31,397 --> 00:15:32,463 I thought so. 381 00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:33,496 Why can't my husband 382 00:15:33,498 --> 00:15:34,866 buy presents for his own mom? 383 00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:36,067 I don't even like his mom. 384 00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:37,801 She blames her farts on my kids. 385 00:15:37,803 --> 00:15:39,002 - What? - You know what I do? 386 00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:40,670 - With my big dumb son? - What? 387 00:15:40,672 --> 00:15:42,906 Every November, I just go into his room 388 00:15:42,908 --> 00:15:44,809 grab a bunch of random crap 389 00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:46,577 wrap it up, give it to him on Christmas. 390 00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:48,212 - He doesn't even notice. - Seriously? 391 00:15:48,214 --> 00:15:49,746 Oh, my God, I've given him the same baseball glove 392 00:15:49,748 --> 00:15:51,515 like nine times. 393 00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,851 And how lame are the gifts that your family gives you? 394 00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:56,254 I spend months picking out the perfect gift 395 00:15:56,256 --> 00:15:59,089 for everyone in my family and all I ever get 396 00:15:59,091 --> 00:16:01,058 is coupons for free back rubs. 397 00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:03,059 Oh, that's so wrong. 398 00:16:03,061 --> 00:16:04,694 You know what my son gave me last year for Christmas? 399 00:16:04,696 --> 00:16:06,997 A box of Ziploc baggies. 400 00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:08,565 Think I'll probably just wrap it up 401 00:16:08,567 --> 00:16:11,568 and give it back to him again this Christmas. 402 00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:14,505 You guys, I'm just like a-a-a giant stress ball 403 00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:17,607 from November to New Year's. 404 00:16:17,609 --> 00:16:20,377 I just wanna enjoy Christmas again. 405 00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:22,280 Yeah. 406 00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:27,184 Well, then let's do it. 407 00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:28,419 What? 408 00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:29,853 Guys, what is wrong with us? 409 00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:31,789 Have we learned nothing? This is bullshit. 410 00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:34,858 I am disappointed in this threesome. 411 00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:36,727 We are mothers. 412 00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:39,195 And if things are not going our way, then what do we do? 413 00:16:39,197 --> 00:16:41,031 We hide in the bathroom. 414 00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:42,266 - No. - No. 415 00:16:42,268 --> 00:16:43,601 No, we don't, we don't do that. 416 00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,636 - Uh-unh. - We s... No, we stand up. 417 00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:48,204 - And we fight back. - Fight back. Yes. 418 00:16:48,206 --> 00:16:51,809 So if we wanna do Christmas our way this year 419 00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:54,578 then we're gonna do Christmas our way. 420 00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:57,881 No more perfect gifts, no more perfect decorations 421 00:16:57,883 --> 00:16:59,382 no more perfect anything. 422 00:16:59,384 --> 00:17:01,953 - Fuck it. - Let's take Christmas back. 423 00:17:01,955 --> 00:17:03,754 Let's put the "ass" back. 424 00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:06,424 - In "Christm-ass." - What? 425 00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:09,092 That didn't come out exactly as I planned, but y-you guys get... 426 00:17:09,094 --> 00:17:10,895 - Yeah, we know what you meant. - Yeah, we get you. 427 00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:12,563 Okay, to taking Christmas back. 428 00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:13,599 Yes! 429 00:17:15,401 --> 00:17:17,334 ♪ Go go go go ♪ 430 00:17:17,336 --> 00:17:19,804 - ♪ Go go ♪ - ♪ Do something crazy ♪ 431 00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:22,506 Merry Christmas! 432 00:17:22,508 --> 00:17:25,409 ♪ I wanna live like it's Mardi Gras and ♪ 433 00:17:25,411 --> 00:17:27,011 ♪ Don't need no R and R ♪ 434 00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:28,779 - What? - Yes. 435 00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:29,846 Now, it's gonna be better. 436 00:17:29,848 --> 00:17:31,114 Now, it is gonna be better. 437 00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:32,248 ♪ Good vibes only ♪ 438 00:17:32,250 --> 00:17:34,150 ♪ I just tapped a keg ♪ 439 00:17:34,152 --> 00:17:36,019 ♪ I'mma fill my cup ♪ 440 00:17:36,021 --> 00:17:38,089 ♪ Got fireworks got booze ♪ 441 00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:39,957 ♪ Let's blow some shit up ♪ 442 00:17:39,959 --> 00:17:41,859 ♪ Tonight I'm going stupid ♪ 443 00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:44,094 ♪ Doing things I've never done ♪ 444 00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:46,197 ♪ We all got one thing in common ♪ 445 00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:48,669 ♪ We just wanna have fun hey ♪ 446 00:17:50,335 --> 00:17:52,306 Okay, who's next? 447 00:17:55,307 --> 00:17:57,475 ♪ Do something crazy ♪ 448 00:17:57,477 --> 00:17:59,610 ♪ Hey ♪ 449 00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,644 ♪ Whoo ♪ 450 00:18:01,646 --> 00:18:02,880 ♪ Hey ♪ 451 00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:04,148 ♪ Do something crazy ♪ 452 00:18:04,150 --> 00:18:06,050 ♪ Do something crazy ♪ 453 00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:08,185 - ♪ Do something wild ♪ - ♪ Whoo ♪ 454 00:18:08,187 --> 00:18:10,153 - ♪ Be someone different ♪ - ♪ Hey ♪ 455 00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:12,288 - ♪ Switch up that style ♪ - ♪ Hey ♪ 456 00:18:12,290 --> 00:18:16,560 Hey! Do you know which one is better for the vagina? 457 00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,498 ♪ Do something crazy ♪ 458 00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,534 ♪ Hey ♪ 459 00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:26,003 ♪ Whoo ♪ 460 00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:29,372 - Attention, shoppers! - Excuse me! 461 00:18:29,374 --> 00:18:31,508 I am drunk and horny! 462 00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:33,512 I repeat, I am drunk and horny! 463 00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:38,518 ♪ Break it down ♪ 464 00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:46,524 - ♪ Do something crazy ♪ - ♪ Go ♪ 465 00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:50,160 ♪ Go go go go go go go ♪ 466 00:18:50,162 --> 00:18:54,098 ♪ Go go go go go go go go go ♪ 467 00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:56,333 Oh, shit. Wait, you guys. Wait, wait, wait, wait. 468 00:18:56,335 --> 00:18:57,868 I still have to go Christmas tree shopping 469 00:18:57,870 --> 00:18:59,836 with my mom. 470 00:18:59,838 --> 00:19:01,671 I just had a really dumb idea. 471 00:19:01,673 --> 00:19:04,208 ♪ Do something crazy ♪ 472 00:19:04,210 --> 00:19:06,076 ♪ Hey ♪ 473 00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:08,112 ♪ Whoo ♪ 474 00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:09,612 ♪ Hey ♪ 475 00:19:09,614 --> 00:19:10,781 ♪ Do something crazy ♪ 476 00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:12,550 ♪ Do something crazy ♪ 477 00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:14,752 - ♪ Do something wild ♪ - ♪ Whoo ♪ 478 00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:16,454 ♪ Do something crazy ♪ 479 00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:19,592 ♪ Do something crazy ♪♪ 480 00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:24,929 Alright, guys. Here. 481 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,764 - Ooh, we got some popcorn. - I got extra. 482 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:27,864 - Yes. - You guys ready? 483 00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:30,234 - Look at that. - Okay. 484 00:19:30,236 --> 00:19:32,402 - This is really nice, mom. - Yeah. 485 00:19:32,404 --> 00:19:34,071 We should do all Christmas like this. 486 00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:36,106 Yeah, can we just hang out together 487 00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:38,409 and skip all the annoying stuff? 488 00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:40,410 Yeah, you guys, I... 489 00:19:40,412 --> 00:19:42,379 I would actually really like that. 490 00:19:42,381 --> 00:19:44,985 Hey, Jessie, you should come over on Christmas. 491 00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:48,151 Um, yeah, yeah. 492 00:19:48,153 --> 00:19:49,553 I don't know. It's kind of a big deal. 493 00:19:49,555 --> 00:19:51,287 I wouldn't want to impose. 494 00:19:51,289 --> 00:19:53,289 Don't be weird, dad. 495 00:19:53,291 --> 00:19:54,492 We'll be here. 496 00:19:56,461 --> 00:19:59,162 - Is that okay? - Yeah. 497 00:19:59,164 --> 00:20:01,131 Yeah, I would actually love that. 498 00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,335 - Me, too. - Okay. 499 00:20:04,002 --> 00:20:06,137 Good evening, everyo... 500 00:20:06,139 --> 00:20:09,305 What in God's name is that? 501 00:20:09,307 --> 00:20:11,408 Oh, that is our new Christmas tree. 502 00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:12,977 I got it at Lady Foot Locker. 503 00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:14,844 - Do you like it? - No, I don't, Amy. 504 00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:17,314 - I find it revolting. - Oh. 505 00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:19,850 What is this thing doing in your house? 506 00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:21,084 I don't know, I-I didn't wanna 507 00:20:21,086 --> 00:20:22,452 waste time tree shopping this year. 508 00:20:22,454 --> 00:20:24,188 I actually wanted to enjoy Christmas. 509 00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:25,956 Amy, you are a mom. 510 00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:27,992 Moms don't enjoy, they give joy. 511 00:20:27,994 --> 00:20:29,493 That's how being a mom works. 512 00:20:29,495 --> 00:20:32,763 And this hideous tree does not give joy to anybody. 513 00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:35,533 I don't know, I-I kind of like it. 514 00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:36,699 - Thank you. - Yeah. 515 00:20:36,701 --> 00:20:38,968 Who are you, and why are you talking? 516 00:20:38,970 --> 00:20:41,538 Mom, please be nice. This is Jessie. You met him. 517 00:20:41,540 --> 00:20:43,340 I'm tired of this conversation. 518 00:20:43,342 --> 00:20:44,775 But if you think for one second 519 00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:46,810 I'm gonna let your lazy shenanigans 520 00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:48,711 ruin Christmas for this entire family 521 00:20:48,713 --> 00:20:51,015 you are very much mistaken. 522 00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:52,483 Goodnight, dear children. 523 00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:54,618 Here, have some iTunes gift cards. 524 00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:57,153 Mom, seriously? You have to stop giving them gifts. 525 00:20:57,155 --> 00:20:58,455 Thanks, grandma. 526 00:20:58,457 --> 00:20:59,957 Honey, did you see these ornaments? 527 00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:01,624 They are all little shoes. 528 00:21:01,626 --> 00:21:02,892 I swear to God, Hank. 529 00:21:02,894 --> 00:21:04,394 I will drive you to a fire station 530 00:21:04,396 --> 00:21:06,133 and I will leave you there. 531 00:21:10,736 --> 00:21:12,472 - Hi. - Hi. 532 00:21:14,339 --> 00:21:16,372 How was your night? 533 00:21:16,374 --> 00:21:17,675 - So good. - Yeah? 534 00:21:17,677 --> 00:21:18,879 Yeah. 535 00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:26,217 Mmm. 536 00:21:26,219 --> 00:21:27,918 You taste like grape soda. 537 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,887 I know. I had a Welch's right before bed. 538 00:21:37,529 --> 00:21:39,162 - Mmm. - Hmm. 539 00:21:40,333 --> 00:21:41,668 - Bless you. - Bless you. 540 00:21:45,337 --> 00:21:47,004 Mom! 541 00:21:47,006 --> 00:21:48,538 Hi, guys. 542 00:21:48,540 --> 00:21:50,173 What are you doing in here? 543 00:21:50,175 --> 00:21:52,176 Well, I just came in here to watch you fall asleep 544 00:21:52,178 --> 00:21:53,710 like I always do and then you started 545 00:21:53,712 --> 00:21:56,080 going at it like monkeys in a zoo. 546 00:21:56,082 --> 00:21:57,715 You watch me fall asleep every night? 547 00:21:57,717 --> 00:21:59,449 Well, except after Blue Bloods, I know 548 00:21:59,451 --> 00:22:01,884 that's your special intercourse night. 549 00:22:01,886 --> 00:22:04,521 Oh, honey, I'm so glad to see 550 00:22:04,523 --> 00:22:06,457 you have such a vibrant sex life. 551 00:22:06,459 --> 00:22:08,726 It's so important for you and Kent 552 00:22:08,728 --> 00:22:10,296 to just bang each other. 553 00:22:11,697 --> 00:22:13,429 And Kent. 554 00:22:13,431 --> 00:22:15,865 I am so happy 555 00:22:15,867 --> 00:22:18,401 that you're able to get an erection again. 556 00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:20,571 Yay! 557 00:22:20,573 --> 00:22:22,805 And Kiki. 558 00:22:22,807 --> 00:22:24,541 He's so much bigger than your dad was. 559 00:22:24,543 --> 00:22:26,075 Okay, mom, thanks, you can go 560 00:22:26,077 --> 00:22:28,077 before my husband never has sex with me again. 561 00:22:28,079 --> 00:22:29,316 Yup. 562 00:22:31,249 --> 00:22:32,749 Oh, and, honey 563 00:22:32,751 --> 00:22:34,285 your dad liked it when I tickled his balls. 564 00:22:34,287 --> 00:22:36,120 Okay, you need to stop talking. 565 00:22:36,122 --> 00:22:37,920 I'm gonna come check on you guys in a little while. 566 00:22:37,922 --> 00:22:39,593 Oh, please don't. 567 00:22:44,896 --> 00:22:47,064 Oh, wow. 568 00:22:47,066 --> 00:22:50,900 - You need to talk to your mom. - I know. 569 00:22:50,902 --> 00:22:52,969 She needs some boundaries. 570 00:22:52,971 --> 00:22:56,239 - Or at least, a boundary. - I know. 571 00:22:56,241 --> 00:22:58,508 I just, uh... 572 00:22:58,510 --> 00:23:00,678 I don't wanna hurt her feelings. 573 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:03,246 And, you know, ever since my dad died 574 00:23:03,248 --> 00:23:05,682 I'm, like, pretty much her only family. 575 00:23:05,684 --> 00:23:08,951 So I'm worried that if I push her away even a little 576 00:23:08,953 --> 00:23:11,689 that it's gonna break her heart. 577 00:23:11,691 --> 00:23:13,192 She saw my boner, Kiki. 578 00:23:14,693 --> 00:23:15,761 Yeah. 579 00:23:23,102 --> 00:23:25,537 Oh, my God. What the... 580 00:23:30,209 --> 00:23:34,178 What... the fuck? 581 00:23:50,662 --> 00:23:52,362 Okay, bring the French hens 582 00:23:52,364 --> 00:23:54,564 three inches to the left. 583 00:23:54,566 --> 00:23:56,699 Yeah. Yeah. 584 00:23:56,701 --> 00:23:58,137 Mom? 585 00:24:00,139 --> 00:24:01,471 What are you doing? 586 00:24:01,473 --> 00:24:03,306 I am decorating your house properly 587 00:24:03,308 --> 00:24:06,209 because apparently, you are unwilling to do so yourself. 588 00:24:06,211 --> 00:24:08,478 Why does my house have to be properly decorated? 589 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,814 Making Christmas special is how you show 590 00:24:10,816 --> 00:24:12,483 your family that you love them, Amy. 591 00:24:12,485 --> 00:24:13,917 You don't want your kids to think 592 00:24:13,919 --> 00:24:15,252 that they're worthless and unloved. 593 00:24:15,254 --> 00:24:17,019 - Do you? - Well, no, of course not. 594 00:24:17,021 --> 00:24:19,523 This is the time of year when moms kill themselves 595 00:24:19,525 --> 00:24:22,359 to create a magical world of joy for their children. 596 00:24:22,361 --> 00:24:24,428 It is not a time of year when moms sit around 597 00:24:24,430 --> 00:24:25,862 in their pajamas eating fudge. 598 00:24:25,864 --> 00:24:27,531 - I don't even like fudge. - Great. 599 00:24:27,533 --> 00:24:29,198 So stop being a shitty mom. 600 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:30,700 - Oh. - Hey, kids. 601 00:24:30,702 --> 00:24:32,835 How do you like the Christmas cavalcade, huh? 602 00:24:32,837 --> 00:24:35,339 - Oh, my gosh. It's awesome. - Show mom how it works! 603 00:24:35,341 --> 00:24:37,541 Really, Amy, you are gonna love this. Okay. 604 00:24:37,543 --> 00:24:41,277 We are go for the cavalcade, over. 605 00:24:41,279 --> 00:24:44,348 Don't worry, I'll show you how this works. It's on an app. 606 00:24:47,620 --> 00:24:49,887 Oh, you installed outdoor speakers. 607 00:24:49,889 --> 00:24:51,558 Shh-shh, wait for it, wait for it. 608 00:24:54,460 --> 00:24:57,127 ♪ Eleven pipers piping ♪ 609 00:24:57,129 --> 00:24:59,929 ♪ Ten lords a-leaping nine ladies dancing ♪ 610 00:24:59,931 --> 00:25:02,565 ♪ Eight maids a-milking seven swans a-swimming ♪ 611 00:25:02,567 --> 00:25:03,933 ♪ Six geese a-laying ♪ 612 00:25:03,935 --> 00:25:05,468 ♪ Five golden rings ♪ 613 00:25:05,470 --> 00:25:06,702 ♪ Five golden rings ♪♪ 614 00:25:06,704 --> 00:25:08,104 How much did this cost? 615 00:25:08,106 --> 00:25:09,473 How can you put a price tag 616 00:25:09,475 --> 00:25:11,941 on a child's happiness, Amy? 617 00:25:11,943 --> 00:25:14,878 - It was very expensive. - God! Mom! 618 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,381 Wait for it, this is the big ending! 619 00:25:22,387 --> 00:25:25,221 Are those actual partridges? 620 00:25:25,223 --> 00:25:26,789 Of course. 621 00:25:26,791 --> 00:25:28,592 They don't have any survival skills. 622 00:25:28,594 --> 00:25:31,061 They'll be dead within an hour. 623 00:25:31,063 --> 00:25:32,295 - Okay. - Here, kids. 624 00:25:32,297 --> 00:25:34,398 Have some breakfast candy. 625 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,099 - I'm sorry, what? - Oh, my God. 626 00:25:36,101 --> 00:25:37,567 Thank you, grandma. I love you. 627 00:25:37,569 --> 00:25:40,403 I love you. I love you, too, guys. 628 00:25:40,405 --> 00:25:42,104 Okay, let's reload the birds. 629 00:25:42,106 --> 00:25:43,140 And I hate that they're gray. 630 00:25:43,142 --> 00:25:44,740 Let's paint them all white. 631 00:25:44,742 --> 00:25:46,776 And can't they look a little happier 632 00:25:46,778 --> 00:25:48,111 when they fly away? 633 00:25:48,113 --> 00:25:49,181 I mean, it is Christmas. 634 00:25:51,249 --> 00:25:53,917 Your mom decorated your house? 635 00:25:53,919 --> 00:25:56,186 Oh, no, no, no, no. That is not okay. 636 00:25:56,188 --> 00:25:58,522 Who cares, let her decorate your house. 637 00:25:58,524 --> 00:25:59,823 She wanna do mine next? 638 00:25:59,825 --> 00:26:01,324 It's-it's not about the house. 639 00:26:01,326 --> 00:26:03,759 It's-it's about the fact that I'm a 34-year-old woman 640 00:26:03,761 --> 00:26:06,496 and my mother is still telling me how to live my life. 641 00:26:06,498 --> 00:26:09,266 Well, then you need to fight her. 642 00:26:09,268 --> 00:26:11,802 Like... physically? 643 00:26:11,804 --> 00:26:13,370 That is correct, Amy. 644 00:26:13,372 --> 00:26:15,005 I can teach you some basic karate moves. 645 00:26:15,007 --> 00:26:16,773 But we all know that she's gonna keep treating you 646 00:26:16,775 --> 00:26:19,208 like this until you beat the shit out of her. 647 00:26:19,210 --> 00:26:21,210 I don't want you to meet my mom. 648 00:26:21,212 --> 00:26:23,980 She's a 62-year-old woman, so... 649 00:26:23,982 --> 00:26:25,381 Fine, but you need to have 650 00:26:25,383 --> 00:26:27,717 at least a serious conversation with her. 651 00:26:27,719 --> 00:26:29,519 - That sounds more legal. - I know. I know. 652 00:26:29,521 --> 00:26:31,621 And where's your dad in all this? 653 00:26:31,623 --> 00:26:33,489 Oh, my dad, he's so sweet. 654 00:26:33,491 --> 00:26:34,858 But he's completely under her control. 655 00:26:34,860 --> 00:26:36,192 I mean, there's no way he's gonna choose 656 00:26:36,194 --> 00:26:37,727 my side over hers, no. 657 00:26:37,729 --> 00:26:40,464 - Sweetie, that's hard. - Oh... 658 00:26:40,466 --> 00:26:42,966 Moms are so weird. 659 00:26:42,968 --> 00:26:45,002 How's Christmas with your mom? 660 00:26:45,004 --> 00:26:47,204 Oh, you know. It's... 661 00:26:47,206 --> 00:26:49,406 It's okay-it's okay, I guess. Yeah. 662 00:26:49,408 --> 00:26:52,308 I mean, my mom got her hair cut 663 00:26:52,310 --> 00:26:54,977 and colored exactly like mine, but... 664 00:26:54,979 --> 00:26:56,813 I think that's pretty normal, right? 665 00:26:56,815 --> 00:26:58,582 Your... Did your moms... 666 00:26:58,584 --> 00:27:02,252 Do your moms have your... hairstyle? 667 00:27:02,254 --> 00:27:04,755 You know, every time 668 00:27:04,757 --> 00:27:07,356 I think I'm the fucked-up one in this group 669 00:27:07,358 --> 00:27:11,862 Kiki, you open your mouth, and then I'm like 670 00:27:11,864 --> 00:27:14,598 "No, I'm doing great." 671 00:27:16,669 --> 00:27:18,834 Anyway, uh, my mom and I were gonna 672 00:27:18,836 --> 00:27:20,571 take the kids over to Sky Zone later. 673 00:27:20,573 --> 00:27:22,171 - Do you guys wanna come? - Legally... 674 00:27:22,173 --> 00:27:25,508 I can't get within 50 yards of a Sky Zone but... 675 00:27:25,510 --> 00:27:27,544 Okay, you know what? Fuck it. I'm totally in. 676 00:27:27,546 --> 00:27:29,712 - Amy? - Oh, I can't-I can't go. 677 00:27:29,714 --> 00:27:31,448 I wish I could, but my mother's making us 678 00:27:31,450 --> 00:27:33,050 go see "The Nutcracker." So... 679 00:27:33,052 --> 00:27:35,451 - I love "The Nutcracker." - Oh, no, no, no, no! 680 00:27:35,453 --> 00:27:37,787 Not like the Sugar Plum Fairy "Nutcracker." 681 00:27:37,789 --> 00:27:41,190 No, the original, the five-hour long version 682 00:27:41,192 --> 00:27:43,593 that's all in Russian, where a bunch of people die. 683 00:27:43,595 --> 00:27:45,195 It's-it's awful. 684 00:27:45,197 --> 00:27:47,029 - Why don't you just not go? - Oh, God, no. 685 00:27:47,031 --> 00:27:48,931 No, she would never let me live it down. 686 00:27:48,933 --> 00:27:50,700 It's much easier to do it this way. 687 00:27:50,702 --> 00:27:54,071 Guys, are we not taking Christmas back this year? 688 00:27:54,073 --> 00:27:55,738 - Yeah. - Hmm. 689 00:27:55,740 --> 00:27:57,573 I'm asking you that seriously 'cause I got so wasted 690 00:27:57,575 --> 00:27:59,476 at the mall, I can't remember if I actually said that 691 00:27:59,478 --> 00:28:01,445 or if that's just something that I'm dreaming about right now. 692 00:28:03,382 --> 00:28:05,247 Oh, shit. I'm so late for work. 693 00:28:05,249 --> 00:28:08,217 You guys, do you wanna know what I've been working on? 694 00:28:08,219 --> 00:28:10,656 - Happy Holidays. - Oh, my... 695 00:28:14,226 --> 00:28:17,093 - Carla! - Broke my cock! 696 00:28:17,095 --> 00:28:19,763 - Just go to work. - I'm out, I'm out, I'm out! 697 00:28:29,842 --> 00:28:34,611 - What up, lady? - Mom! What are you doing here? 698 00:28:34,613 --> 00:28:36,345 What does it look like I'm doing? 699 00:28:36,347 --> 00:28:40,117 I'm waiting for my daughter to give me a free manicure. 700 00:28:40,119 --> 00:28:43,186 - Free manicure, huh? - Yeah. 701 00:28:43,188 --> 00:28:46,189 Alright. Well, at least I'm not waxing your pussy. 702 00:28:46,191 --> 00:28:48,592 - Maybe next time. - Okay. 703 00:28:48,594 --> 00:28:52,461 So, what's up? You seein' anybody? 704 00:28:52,463 --> 00:28:54,363 Well, you know, there was a couple of things 705 00:28:54,365 --> 00:28:56,132 going with some dads from school. 706 00:28:56,134 --> 00:28:58,834 But it gets complicated. 707 00:28:58,836 --> 00:29:01,772 Plus, like, there is not a better time of the year 708 00:29:01,774 --> 00:29:03,340 to be single than Christmas. 709 00:29:03,342 --> 00:29:05,208 I mean, it's like, I go to the mall 710 00:29:05,210 --> 00:29:08,378 and I see these, you know, these couples walking around. 711 00:29:08,380 --> 00:29:12,314 And they're, they're, like, holding hands and... 712 00:29:12,316 --> 00:29:14,884 You know, wearing scarves 713 00:29:14,886 --> 00:29:17,521 and feeding each other sandwiches 714 00:29:17,523 --> 00:29:22,124 and lookin' at jewelry, you know... 715 00:29:22,126 --> 00:29:24,561 ♪ Every kiss begins with Kay ♪♪ 716 00:29:24,563 --> 00:29:26,630 - Alright, stop. Stop. - What? 717 00:29:26,632 --> 00:29:29,800 - You sound super lonely. - No! 718 00:29:29,802 --> 00:29:32,069 Babe, listen, the rock and roll lifestyle 719 00:29:32,071 --> 00:29:33,469 isn't for everybody. 720 00:29:33,471 --> 00:29:35,471 I'm still super rock and roll. 721 00:29:35,473 --> 00:29:37,673 I woke up in a park this morning. 722 00:29:37,675 --> 00:29:42,044 Carla. I found kale chips in your kitchen. 723 00:29:42,046 --> 00:29:44,881 - Okay, those are for my kid. - Right. 724 00:29:44,883 --> 00:29:46,251 They're healthy as fuck. 725 00:29:47,486 --> 00:29:49,885 Th... They say they're heart-smart. 726 00:29:49,887 --> 00:29:52,221 You really care about your kid, don't you? 727 00:29:52,223 --> 00:29:54,490 Yeah, he's my... 728 00:29:54,492 --> 00:29:56,493 I mean, most... people 729 00:29:56,495 --> 00:29:58,094 care about their children, mom. 730 00:29:58,096 --> 00:30:00,229 Whatever, I just can't keep up 731 00:30:00,231 --> 00:30:02,402 with the latest parenting trends. 732 00:30:06,270 --> 00:30:09,872 So, how you doin'? 733 00:30:09,874 --> 00:30:12,441 I've been better actually, to tell you the truth. I... 734 00:30:12,443 --> 00:30:15,245 There is something that I'm very excited about 735 00:30:15,247 --> 00:30:16,947 which I just need a little money for... 736 00:30:16,949 --> 00:30:18,715 Here we go. 737 00:30:18,717 --> 00:30:20,917 - What? - You always do this. 738 00:30:20,919 --> 00:30:22,718 What? 739 00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:24,353 You show back up in my life. 740 00:30:24,355 --> 00:30:26,256 You ask me for money, I give it to you. 741 00:30:26,258 --> 00:30:29,191 You gamble it all away and you leave me and then 742 00:30:29,193 --> 00:30:31,393 you just come runnin' back asking for more. 743 00:30:31,395 --> 00:30:33,529 I give it to you again 'cause I'm an idiot. 744 00:30:33,531 --> 00:30:35,231 This is a legitimate 745 00:30:35,233 --> 00:30:37,967 business opportunity. 746 00:30:37,969 --> 00:30:39,401 How much do you need? 747 00:30:39,403 --> 00:30:41,571 Not much. Like five grand. 748 00:30:41,573 --> 00:30:44,474 Really. Fiv... Between five and ten grand, maybe 15, tops. 749 00:30:46,545 --> 00:30:48,277 Okay, I'll think about it. 750 00:30:48,279 --> 00:30:49,548 Good! 751 00:30:51,749 --> 00:30:55,418 Wow, you have some really cool shit here, huh? 752 00:30:55,420 --> 00:30:58,554 Nice, classy place. 753 00:30:58,556 --> 00:31:00,460 I wish I'd brought my purse. 754 00:31:10,302 --> 00:31:12,803 Why do we have to go to the "Russian Nutcracker" again? 755 00:31:12,805 --> 00:31:13,969 I mean, we're not even Russian. 756 00:31:13,971 --> 00:31:15,237 The "Russian Nutcracker" 757 00:31:15,239 --> 00:31:17,474 is the real "Nutcracker." 758 00:31:17,476 --> 00:31:20,979 Not the sellout Disney version with all the dancing and joy. 759 00:31:22,247 --> 00:31:24,648 Is it actually five hours long? 760 00:31:24,650 --> 00:31:27,150 Yes, and you will love every minute of it. 761 00:31:27,152 --> 00:31:29,319 Now, just listen to this beautiful music. 762 00:31:33,158 --> 00:31:36,458 This song is called "When Boris Gets Murdered." 763 00:31:36,460 --> 00:31:38,794 It sounds like someone's yelling at us. 764 00:31:38,796 --> 00:31:40,697 Why can't we just go do something fun? 765 00:31:47,104 --> 00:31:48,505 Where are you going? It's not left. 766 00:31:48,507 --> 00:31:50,006 - The theater's to the right. - Oh, I know. 767 00:31:50,008 --> 00:31:51,373 We're not goin' to the theater. 768 00:31:51,375 --> 00:31:52,508 Where are you taking us? 769 00:31:52,510 --> 00:31:53,779 You'll see. 770 00:32:14,833 --> 00:32:16,166 Merry Christmas, guys! Welcome to Sky Zone! 771 00:32:16,168 --> 00:32:17,367 - Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas! 772 00:32:17,369 --> 00:32:19,134 - Alright, uh, three kid passes? - Yes. 773 00:32:19,136 --> 00:32:21,705 No, no. Uh, sorry. We're-we're actually all gonna go. 774 00:32:21,707 --> 00:32:23,907 - We're all gonna do it. - No, we're not all doing it. 775 00:32:23,909 --> 00:32:25,875 It smells like diapers in here. 776 00:32:25,877 --> 00:32:28,812 - Amy! You guys made it! - Hey! 777 00:32:28,814 --> 00:32:31,247 - I'm so glad you guys came! - Oh, my God. Me, too. 778 00:32:31,249 --> 00:32:33,016 I think my mother's gonna kill me in the middle of the night. 779 00:32:33,018 --> 00:32:35,986 - But it's totally worth it. - Hi, I'm Carla's mom. 780 00:32:35,988 --> 00:32:37,387 - Hi. Isis! - Yeah. 781 00:32:37,389 --> 00:32:39,022 - Oh, yeah! Yeah! - Nice to meet you. 782 00:32:39,024 --> 00:32:43,192 Hi. You must be Amy's mom. I'm Carla. 783 00:32:43,194 --> 00:32:45,094 Jaxon, honey, mama needs more hooch. 784 00:32:45,096 --> 00:32:46,862 - Ooh, good idea. - Yeah. 785 00:32:46,864 --> 00:32:49,032 - Top me off, babe. - That's my son, Jaxon. 786 00:32:49,034 --> 00:32:51,935 - This is my mom, Isis. - Hello. Ruth. 787 00:32:51,937 --> 00:32:55,671 - Like Ruth Bader Ginsberg. - Huh. Isis. 788 00:32:55,673 --> 00:32:58,708 Like the terrorist organization. 789 00:32:58,710 --> 00:33:02,544 - This is my mom, Sandy. - Oh, hi, Amy. 790 00:33:02,546 --> 00:33:05,282 I've heard so much about you. 791 00:33:05,284 --> 00:33:09,252 Oh, boy! You really have the same haircuts. 792 00:33:09,254 --> 00:33:12,554 Hello, I'm Ruth. I'm Amy's mom. 793 00:33:12,556 --> 00:33:15,361 I'm Jessie. I was literally just in the car with you. 794 00:33:17,296 --> 00:33:20,529 Come on. Who's ready to have some Christmas fun? 795 00:33:20,531 --> 00:33:22,766 ♪ I ain't scared I ain't scared ♪ 796 00:33:22,768 --> 00:33:25,134 ♪ I can't stop so let's go oh oh ♪ 797 00:33:25,136 --> 00:33:27,237 ♪ I like it when you do it like that ♪ 798 00:33:27,239 --> 00:33:28,971 ♪ You like it when I do it like that ♪ 799 00:33:28,973 --> 00:33:31,541 ♪ And I know when we're moving like that ♪ 800 00:33:31,543 --> 00:33:34,110 ♪ Ain't nobody else do it like that ♪ 801 00:33:34,112 --> 00:33:36,278 - ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪ - ♪ Watch me now ♪ 802 00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:37,980 - ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪ - ♪ Don't stop me now ♪ 803 00:33:37,982 --> 00:33:40,216 ♪ I'm gon' do it how we do it ♪ 804 00:33:40,218 --> 00:33:43,320 ♪ Like I do it I'm gon' do it like a star ♪ 805 00:33:43,322 --> 00:33:45,121 ♪ Yeah I like it when you do it like that ♪ 806 00:33:45,123 --> 00:33:47,623 ♪ Know exactly what you thinking when I do it like that ♪ 807 00:33:47,625 --> 00:33:49,592 ♪ Pull it right back turn the beat so fast ♪ 808 00:33:49,594 --> 00:33:51,995 ♪ Keep the bass real low I keep it just like that yeah ♪ 809 00:33:51,997 --> 00:33:54,296 - ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪ - ♪ Watch me now ♪ 810 00:33:54,298 --> 00:33:56,131 - ♪ Whoo ooh ooh ♪ - ♪ Don't stop me now ♪ 811 00:33:56,133 --> 00:33:58,133 ♪ I'm gon' do it how we do it ♪ 812 00:33:58,135 --> 00:34:00,402 ♪ Like I do it I'm gon' do it ♪ 813 00:34:00,404 --> 00:34:02,575 ♪ Like that ♪ 814 00:34:06,644 --> 00:34:10,080 ♪ Hey hey yeah yeah yeah ♪ 815 00:34:10,082 --> 00:34:11,914 ♪ Yeah I do it do it you never do it ♪ 816 00:34:11,916 --> 00:34:14,516 ♪ I pick it up and throw it right back when I get into it ♪ 817 00:34:14,518 --> 00:34:16,686 ♪ 'Cause there's no holding back when I break through it ♪ 818 00:34:16,688 --> 00:34:18,921 ♪ Better hurry up and get it when I do you won't forget it ♪ 819 00:34:18,923 --> 00:34:20,756 ♪ I like it when you do it like that ♪ 820 00:34:20,758 --> 00:34:22,926 ♪ You like it when I do it like that ♪ 821 00:34:22,928 --> 00:34:25,428 ♪ Ain't nobody else do it like that ♪ 822 00:34:25,430 --> 00:34:27,796 ♪ I like it when you do it like that ♪ 823 00:34:27,798 --> 00:34:29,698 ♪ You like it when I do it like that ♪ 824 00:34:29,700 --> 00:34:31,868 ♪ And I know when we do it like that ♪ 825 00:34:31,870 --> 00:34:33,302 ♪ Ain't nobody else do it like that ♪♪ 826 00:34:33,304 --> 00:34:35,838 Hi, Ruth. We bought you a churro. 827 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:37,773 - You want that? - No, thank you. 828 00:34:37,775 --> 00:34:39,209 This place is fun. 829 00:34:39,211 --> 00:34:41,177 I never went to a place like this when I was a kid. 830 00:34:41,179 --> 00:34:42,644 My God, no. 831 00:34:42,646 --> 00:34:44,146 When I was a kid, we would go down 832 00:34:44,148 --> 00:34:46,316 to the quarry and blow shit up. 833 00:34:46,318 --> 00:34:48,784 That's nice. Where are you ladies from? 834 00:34:48,786 --> 00:34:51,021 I am from Ottawa, which is in Canada. 835 00:34:51,023 --> 00:34:53,222 And then my husband Dirk wanted a faster life 836 00:34:53,224 --> 00:34:55,791 so we moved to Bismarck, North Dakota. 837 00:34:55,793 --> 00:34:59,294 And then I had Kiki when I was only 18 years old. 838 00:34:59,296 --> 00:35:02,664 And then Dirk died. A long, slow, painful death. 839 00:35:02,666 --> 00:35:06,168 But we're all gonna die sometime, alone and afraid. 840 00:35:06,170 --> 00:35:08,037 - Where are you from, Ruth? - Chicago. 841 00:35:08,039 --> 00:35:09,872 The City of Lights! 842 00:35:09,874 --> 00:35:11,173 The Windy City. 843 00:35:11,175 --> 00:35:12,242 You know what they call Bismarck? 844 00:35:12,244 --> 00:35:13,809 "The City of Old White People." 845 00:35:13,811 --> 00:35:15,677 You are so weird. 846 00:35:15,679 --> 00:35:18,048 Ruth, did you enjoy growing up in Chicago? 847 00:35:18,050 --> 00:35:20,483 No. My mother was a terrible woman. 848 00:35:20,485 --> 00:35:22,385 - Oh. - She once slapped me. 849 00:35:22,387 --> 00:35:24,921 For wearing open-toed shoes on a sailboat. 850 00:35:24,923 --> 00:35:26,523 Well, it was a different time then. 851 00:35:26,525 --> 00:35:27,525 This was two months ago. 852 00:35:29,193 --> 00:35:31,360 My daughter thinks that I'm so hard on her. 853 00:35:31,362 --> 00:35:32,996 But she has no idea what I went through 854 00:35:32,998 --> 00:35:34,497 with my own mother. 855 00:35:34,499 --> 00:35:36,865 When I was 15, I got my ears pierced 856 00:35:36,867 --> 00:35:38,901 and she called me a whore. 857 00:35:38,903 --> 00:35:41,070 And sent me away to boarding school. 858 00:35:41,072 --> 00:35:42,938 - In Croatia. - Croatia? 859 00:35:42,940 --> 00:35:44,606 - Now, that is a hard woman. - Uh. 860 00:35:44,608 --> 00:35:46,543 - Where are you from, Isis? - I don't know, everywhere. 861 00:35:46,545 --> 00:35:48,010 I never met my parents. 862 00:35:48,012 --> 00:35:49,845 I basically just raised myself 863 00:35:49,847 --> 00:35:51,447 using my wits and my tits. 864 00:35:51,449 --> 00:35:53,916 Oh, wow. That sounds disgusting. 865 00:35:53,918 --> 00:35:56,718 No, dude, I was a roadie for REO Speedwagon 866 00:35:56,720 --> 00:35:59,055 for 15 years. 867 00:35:59,057 --> 00:36:02,525 Oh, um, Isis, you're not allowed to smoke cigarettes in here. 868 00:36:02,527 --> 00:36:03,860 It's okay. It's not a cigarette. 869 00:36:03,862 --> 00:36:05,294 - You want some? - No! Ahem! 870 00:36:05,296 --> 00:36:07,896 - You want some? - Uh, no, thank you. 871 00:36:07,898 --> 00:36:09,766 - Suit yourself. - So... 872 00:36:09,768 --> 00:36:12,235 Which church does everyone go to on Christmas Eve? 873 00:36:12,237 --> 00:36:14,269 Well, I always go to midnight mass 874 00:36:14,271 --> 00:36:16,072 at Our Mother of Perpetual Suffering. 875 00:36:16,074 --> 00:36:18,240 It's the premiere service in the city. 876 00:36:18,242 --> 00:36:20,110 - Great, I'll meet you there. - What? 877 00:36:20,112 --> 00:36:22,979 This is so nice. Making new friends. 878 00:36:22,981 --> 00:36:25,048 - Yeah. - You guys wanna play dodgeball? 879 00:36:25,050 --> 00:36:26,816 No, honey. Grandmas don't play dodgeball. 880 00:36:26,818 --> 00:36:28,550 - We should... - What the fuck did she say? 881 00:36:28,552 --> 00:36:30,820 She said, "Grandmas don't play dodgeball." 882 00:36:30,822 --> 00:36:33,055 I got it, but we play. We play. 883 00:36:33,057 --> 00:36:35,124 I'm in. 884 00:36:51,775 --> 00:36:54,644 ♪ When I get high I get high on speed ♪ 885 00:36:54,646 --> 00:36:56,813 ♪ Top fuel funny car's a drug for me ♪ 886 00:36:56,815 --> 00:36:58,914 ♪ My heart my heart ♪ 887 00:36:58,916 --> 00:37:01,286 ♪ Kickstart my heart ♪ 888 00:37:07,958 --> 00:37:10,593 ♪ Whoa yeah ♪ 889 00:37:10,595 --> 00:37:13,296 ♪ Kickstart my heart give it a start ♪ 890 00:37:13,298 --> 00:37:15,831 ♪ Whoa yeah ♪ 891 00:37:15,833 --> 00:37:18,601 ♪ Baby ♪ 892 00:37:18,603 --> 00:37:21,336 ♪ Whoa yeah ♪ 893 00:37:21,338 --> 00:37:24,039 ♪ Kickstart my heart hope it never stops ♪ 894 00:37:24,041 --> 00:37:26,675 ♪ Oh yeah ♪ 895 00:37:26,677 --> 00:37:29,815 ♪ Baby ♪♪ 896 00:38:26,737 --> 00:38:29,072 Tonight was a complete travesty. 897 00:38:32,210 --> 00:38:34,376 Do you think that was funny, Hank? 898 00:38:34,378 --> 00:38:36,044 What if I changed out your heart pills? 899 00:38:36,046 --> 00:38:38,715 - Would that be funny, too? - Oh, Jesus, babe. 900 00:38:38,717 --> 00:38:41,450 I can't believe A-Amy is actually intent 901 00:38:41,452 --> 00:38:42,918 on ruining Christmas this year. 902 00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:44,454 I'm gonna have to redouble my efforts. 903 00:38:44,456 --> 00:38:45,887 Or you could stop fighting with her 904 00:38:45,889 --> 00:38:47,624 and we could just have a nice Christmas. 905 00:38:47,626 --> 00:38:50,193 Do you think I enjoy fighting with my daughter, Hank? 906 00:38:50,195 --> 00:38:53,595 - Yeah! Oh. - Because I don't. 907 00:38:53,597 --> 00:38:55,530 I'm just trying to give my grandchildren 908 00:38:55,532 --> 00:38:58,867 the amazing Christmas that they deserve. 909 00:38:58,869 --> 00:39:01,204 This is their first Christmas without their father. 910 00:39:01,206 --> 00:39:02,704 And if it is perfect 911 00:39:02,706 --> 00:39:05,608 they will know that things are gonna be okay. 912 00:39:05,610 --> 00:39:08,577 But if our daughter throws a half-assed Christmas 913 00:39:08,579 --> 00:39:10,880 it will rattle the kids, and they could descend 914 00:39:10,882 --> 00:39:14,083 into a spiral of fear, depression and drugs. 915 00:39:14,085 --> 00:39:18,488 Okay. But the kids looked really happy tonight. 916 00:39:18,490 --> 00:39:19,789 They would have been happier 917 00:39:19,791 --> 00:39:21,557 at the "Russian Nutcracker," Hank. 918 00:39:21,559 --> 00:39:25,327 My way of doing Christmas is enchanting and magical. 919 00:39:25,329 --> 00:39:29,064 And Amy's way of doing Christmas is lazy and embarrassing. 920 00:39:29,066 --> 00:39:30,900 And my way is better, and my way will win. 921 00:39:30,902 --> 00:39:32,568 Because my way will always win. 922 00:39:32,570 --> 00:39:34,936 Well, I'm just glad this is all about the kids. 923 00:39:34,938 --> 00:39:37,106 Hank, I am Amy's mother 924 00:39:37,108 --> 00:39:38,807 and it is my job 925 00:39:38,809 --> 00:39:42,345 to push her to be the best mother she possibly can be. 926 00:39:42,347 --> 00:39:44,247 Trust me, someday she will thank me 927 00:39:44,249 --> 00:39:47,249 in an inspirational speech at some large public venue. 928 00:39:48,786 --> 00:39:50,653 Now, are you done ironing my pajamas, Hank? 929 00:39:50,655 --> 00:39:52,854 Yes, Ruth. 930 00:39:52,856 --> 00:39:54,860 They're still warm. 931 00:39:56,027 --> 00:39:57,996 I'm sorry you're upset. 932 00:39:59,463 --> 00:40:01,798 Thank you. 933 00:40:01,800 --> 00:40:03,702 It's okay. 934 00:40:08,472 --> 00:40:10,342 You're wrinkling my pajamas. 935 00:40:11,876 --> 00:40:13,309 I'll get your toothbrush ready. 936 00:40:13,311 --> 00:40:14,479 Thank you. 937 00:40:20,050 --> 00:40:22,617 Oh, my God. No more pussies. Please, God. No more pussies. 938 00:40:22,619 --> 00:40:25,220 Uh, yeah? 939 00:40:25,222 --> 00:40:26,988 Oh, hi. Uh... 940 00:40:26,990 --> 00:40:29,057 Are you Carla? 941 00:40:31,496 --> 00:40:33,496 Yeah, I am. 942 00:40:33,498 --> 00:40:36,231 - Who are you? - I'm Ty Swindel. 943 00:40:36,233 --> 00:40:37,733 I'm here to get my balls waxed. 944 00:40:37,735 --> 00:40:39,235 That's great news. 945 00:40:39,237 --> 00:40:42,238 Why don't you hop on my table, Ty Swindel? 946 00:40:42,240 --> 00:40:43,240 Alright, thank you. 947 00:40:44,575 --> 00:40:46,142 Okay. 948 00:40:46,144 --> 00:40:49,311 So, uh, have you ever had your balls waxed before, Ty? 949 00:40:49,313 --> 00:40:51,414 Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm an exotic dancer. 950 00:40:51,416 --> 00:40:54,483 So I have to keep my dick, balls and taint smooth at all times. 951 00:40:54,485 --> 00:40:55,851 - Great. Okay, got it. - Yeah. 952 00:40:55,853 --> 00:40:58,653 Um, so I am just gonna remove the towel 953 00:40:58,655 --> 00:41:01,057 and then we'll apply the wax if you... 954 00:41:01,059 --> 00:41:03,425 Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. 955 00:41:03,427 --> 00:41:05,093 Look at the size of that thing. 956 00:41:05,095 --> 00:41:06,996 This... It looks like a parking cone. 957 00:41:06,998 --> 00:41:09,097 I am so sorry. I forgot to te... 958 00:41:09,099 --> 00:41:10,599 You know, it scares most people. 959 00:41:10,601 --> 00:41:12,034 No, I'm not scared, though. I just... 960 00:41:12,036 --> 00:41:13,436 I'm gonna need a lot more... 961 00:41:13,438 --> 00:41:16,037 - Just a lot more wax. - Okay. 962 00:41:16,039 --> 00:41:17,942 - So just give me one second. - Sure. 963 00:41:19,844 --> 00:41:21,347 Wow. Okay. 964 00:41:23,046 --> 00:41:25,447 So, who usually waxes your balls? 965 00:41:25,449 --> 00:41:27,517 Oh, I go to a woman in, uh, Cleveland. 966 00:41:27,519 --> 00:41:29,718 - Which is where I'm from. - No way. 967 00:41:29,720 --> 00:41:31,521 - What? - I'm from Edgewater. 968 00:41:31,523 --> 00:41:33,188 - You're from Edgewater? - Yeah. 969 00:41:33,190 --> 00:41:35,191 - I'm from Tremont! - Oh, my God. Small world. 970 00:41:35,193 --> 00:41:37,126 - Unbelievable. - That is so weird! 971 00:41:37,128 --> 00:41:39,262 Like... Right? 972 00:41:39,264 --> 00:41:41,731 Wow. Okay, um... 973 00:41:41,733 --> 00:41:44,133 If you could just, uh, lift that penis up for me. 974 00:41:44,135 --> 00:41:45,534 Okay. 975 00:41:45,536 --> 00:41:46,936 Yeah, that's great. 976 00:41:46,938 --> 00:41:49,104 So, uh, what brings you to Chicago, Ty? 977 00:41:49,106 --> 00:41:51,974 Well, I'm in town to do a few Sexy Santa competitions. 978 00:41:51,976 --> 00:41:53,409 - Nice! - Yeah. 979 00:41:53,411 --> 00:41:55,581 Okay, slight sting on your nutsack. 980 00:42:03,954 --> 00:42:06,722 So, um, how did you get into dancing? 981 00:42:06,724 --> 00:42:09,791 Oh, I'm a fireman by trade. That's what I do. 982 00:42:09,793 --> 00:42:10,927 Of course you are. 983 00:42:10,929 --> 00:42:12,160 And a few years ago 984 00:42:12,162 --> 00:42:14,396 I responded to this fire at a strip club. 985 00:42:14,398 --> 00:42:16,599 And the owner comes up to me, and he's like 986 00:42:16,601 --> 00:42:19,468 "Hey, dude. You got a massive cock?" 987 00:42:19,470 --> 00:42:23,271 And I'm like, "Uh... Well, I do." 988 00:42:23,273 --> 00:42:25,073 And the rest is, the rest is history. 989 00:42:25,075 --> 00:42:26,476 Wow. 990 00:42:26,478 --> 00:42:28,677 That's a beautiful story, Ty. 991 00:42:28,679 --> 00:42:31,113 Thank you. 992 00:42:31,115 --> 00:42:32,450 Okay. Hot burn. 993 00:42:34,519 --> 00:42:37,919 - So, um, holidays, huh? - I know. 994 00:42:37,921 --> 00:42:39,856 You got big plans with your girlfriend? 995 00:42:39,858 --> 00:42:42,291 I wish. I wish I had a girlfriend. 996 00:42:42,293 --> 00:42:44,994 Yeah, most women, they just see me as this object 997 00:42:44,996 --> 00:42:47,863 to have sex with and then they leave. You know? 998 00:42:47,865 --> 00:42:49,164 And I'm like, "Yeah, I dance around 999 00:42:49,166 --> 00:42:51,367 "in basketball sneakers and a G-string. 1000 00:42:51,369 --> 00:42:53,702 It doesn't mean I don't have feelings." Right? 1001 00:42:53,704 --> 00:42:55,304 Yeah. 1002 00:42:55,306 --> 00:42:56,872 I, uh... 1003 00:42:56,874 --> 00:42:58,374 I can relate. 1004 00:42:58,376 --> 00:42:59,775 I don't know what it is about you, I just... 1005 00:42:59,777 --> 00:43:01,142 I feel like you're easy to talk to, you know? 1006 00:43:01,144 --> 00:43:05,113 I can just open up. Be myself. It's nice. 1007 00:43:05,115 --> 00:43:06,652 I feel the same way, Ty. 1008 00:43:09,853 --> 00:43:11,988 Okay, um, I'm gonna need you 1009 00:43:11,990 --> 00:43:14,356 to, uh, put your heels over your head 1010 00:43:14,358 --> 00:43:17,626 so I can start to go to town on your taint and your butthole. 1011 00:43:17,628 --> 00:43:19,227 - Yep. - Great. Thanks. 1012 00:43:19,229 --> 00:43:20,463 - Alright. - Okay. 1013 00:43:20,465 --> 00:43:21,863 Let's get these out of the way. 1014 00:43:21,865 --> 00:43:23,633 Right. There we go. Great, great, great. 1015 00:43:23,635 --> 00:43:25,700 Carla, uh... 1016 00:43:25,702 --> 00:43:28,403 At the risk of sounding forward 1017 00:43:28,405 --> 00:43:31,240 um, would you be willing to come with me 1018 00:43:31,242 --> 00:43:33,876 to my Sexy Santa Competition tonight? 1019 00:43:33,878 --> 00:43:36,345 Uh, well, I-I don't date my clients, Ty. 1020 00:43:36,347 --> 00:43:38,813 I have a really strict code. 1021 00:43:38,815 --> 00:43:41,150 Yeah. Oh, of course you do. Are you kidding me? 1022 00:43:41,152 --> 00:43:43,084 I know. And I know. And-and you should. You should have a... 1023 00:43:43,086 --> 00:43:46,255 I'm just fuckin' with you, Ty. I don't have a code! 1024 00:43:46,257 --> 00:43:48,758 I'm waxing your butthole. 1025 00:43:48,760 --> 00:43:50,492 I would love to go to your show. 1026 00:43:50,494 --> 00:43:52,160 - You would? - Yes! 1027 00:43:52,162 --> 00:43:53,429 Yes! Oh, my God. 1028 00:43:53,431 --> 00:43:55,197 She's funny and she's beautiful. 1029 00:43:55,199 --> 00:43:57,532 This is a combination you don't run into every day, you know. 1030 00:43:57,534 --> 00:44:00,669 Well, you don't see this combo that often, either. 1031 00:44:00,671 --> 00:44:03,905 So it's a date, then. I'll see you tonight. 1032 00:44:03,907 --> 00:44:05,740 It's a date. 1033 00:44:05,742 --> 00:44:08,209 Oh, um, do you want me to reach down there 1034 00:44:08,211 --> 00:44:11,012 and-and I can pull my butt crack open for you if you want. 1035 00:44:11,014 --> 00:44:13,215 Thank you. 1036 00:44:13,217 --> 00:44:15,851 No one's ever asked if they could hold 1037 00:44:15,853 --> 00:44:19,121 their butt crack open for me before. 1038 00:44:19,123 --> 00:44:21,793 I'll hold my butt crack open for you anytime you want, Carla. 1039 00:44:24,195 --> 00:44:26,565 Where did you come from, Ty Swindel? 1040 00:44:35,940 --> 00:44:38,206 So what brings you here today, Kiki? 1041 00:44:38,208 --> 00:44:41,744 Well, um, my mom and I, we're very close. 1042 00:44:41,746 --> 00:44:43,945 And we would like to be... 1043 00:44:43,947 --> 00:44:44,981 To be closer. 1044 00:44:44,983 --> 00:44:46,983 No. No. 1045 00:44:46,985 --> 00:44:49,985 I think, uh, we would, we would like to be 1046 00:44:49,987 --> 00:44:51,753 a little more independent. 1047 00:44:51,755 --> 00:44:53,122 Closer. 1048 00:44:53,124 --> 00:44:55,391 Uh, Sandy, tell me 1049 00:44:55,393 --> 00:44:57,226 about your relationship with your daughter. 1050 00:44:57,228 --> 00:45:00,563 Oh, my gosh. That's my favorite topic. 1051 00:45:00,565 --> 00:45:04,733 Well, I had Kiki when I was 18 years old. 1052 00:45:04,735 --> 00:45:07,135 And when the nurse placed her on my breast 1053 00:45:07,137 --> 00:45:08,570 I looked down at her and I said 1054 00:45:08,572 --> 00:45:12,173 "You are gonna be my best friend forever." 1055 00:45:12,175 --> 00:45:14,843 Is that normal? The best friend forever thing? 1056 00:45:14,845 --> 00:45:16,612 Uh, well, you know, we don't like to use the word 1057 00:45:16,614 --> 00:45:18,516 "Normal" around here. 1058 00:45:20,652 --> 00:45:24,186 Anyways, Kiki and I have always been super close 1059 00:45:24,188 --> 00:45:26,421 because we're basically the same age. 1060 00:45:26,423 --> 00:45:28,289 And then my husband died 1061 00:45:28,291 --> 00:45:31,827 and we became crazy close. 1062 00:45:31,829 --> 00:45:33,329 We went to prom together. 1063 00:45:33,331 --> 00:45:35,530 Wow! 1064 00:45:35,532 --> 00:45:36,766 Okay. 1065 00:45:36,768 --> 00:45:39,601 And, uh, Kiki, uh... 1066 00:45:39,603 --> 00:45:41,804 How does all this closeness make you feel? 1067 00:45:41,806 --> 00:45:43,305 - Well... - Well, she feels great. 1068 00:45:43,307 --> 00:45:45,840 Who wouldn't want to be best friends with their mom? 1069 00:45:45,842 --> 00:45:47,677 - I love my mom. - Thank you, honey. 1070 00:45:47,679 --> 00:45:49,311 - I really do. - Thank you. 1071 00:45:49,313 --> 00:45:51,713 But sometimes, she can be a bit much. 1072 00:45:51,715 --> 00:45:53,215 What? 1073 00:45:53,217 --> 00:45:56,351 - Like when? - Like, uh... 1074 00:45:56,353 --> 00:45:58,653 When you watched Kent and I have sex the other night. 1075 00:45:58,655 --> 00:46:00,289 Oh, Lord. 1076 00:46:00,291 --> 00:46:01,856 I just wanna know what's going on in your life. 1077 00:46:01,858 --> 00:46:03,659 - Is that so wrong? - No. 1078 00:46:03,661 --> 00:46:05,327 But sometimes, I just... 1079 00:46:05,329 --> 00:46:07,231 I'm in need of a little space. 1080 00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:11,666 Oh, boy. I don't know what's happening right now. 1081 00:46:11,668 --> 00:46:15,805 - W-why are you turning on me? - I'm not turning on you. 1082 00:46:15,807 --> 00:46:18,240 I'm just saying, I think that we could benefit 1083 00:46:18,242 --> 00:46:20,142 from some boundaries, right? 1084 00:46:20,144 --> 00:46:21,179 I have cancer. 1085 00:46:23,146 --> 00:46:25,213 - Cancer? - Mm-hm, mm-hm. 1086 00:46:25,215 --> 00:46:26,918 Oh, God. What kind of cancer? 1087 00:46:29,853 --> 00:46:32,923 Heart... cancer. 1088 00:46:36,760 --> 00:46:38,059 - Heart cancer? - Yeah. 1089 00:46:38,061 --> 00:46:40,329 Stage 12. 1090 00:46:40,331 --> 00:46:42,731 Maybe you can find it in your non-cancerous heart 1091 00:46:42,733 --> 00:46:44,869 to be nice to me before I die. 1092 00:46:46,403 --> 00:46:50,238 I'm so sorry, mom. I had... I had no idea. 1093 00:46:50,240 --> 00:46:53,508 I know. I know. 1094 00:46:53,510 --> 00:46:54,880 Oh, God. 1095 00:46:57,949 --> 00:46:59,447 Mom. 1096 00:46:59,449 --> 00:47:01,217 Oh, Keeks. 1097 00:47:01,219 --> 00:47:04,285 Oh, Kiki. No, no. Keeks. 1098 00:47:04,287 --> 00:47:06,722 - Okay, I don't have cancer. - What? 1099 00:47:06,724 --> 00:47:07,756 I knew it. 1100 00:47:07,758 --> 00:47:09,758 But imagine if I did have cancer 1101 00:47:09,760 --> 00:47:12,360 how would you feel being so mean to your mother? 1102 00:47:12,362 --> 00:47:14,262 I'm not trying to be mean to you, mom. 1103 00:47:14,264 --> 00:47:15,898 I'm trying to have an honest conversation 1104 00:47:15,900 --> 00:47:17,066 about our relationship. 1105 00:47:17,068 --> 00:47:18,467 - I have cancer again. - No. 1106 00:47:18,469 --> 00:47:19,934 It doesn't work like that a second time. 1107 00:47:19,936 --> 00:47:22,271 - I have polio. - I think they cured polio. 1108 00:47:22,273 --> 00:47:24,439 - I have bubonic plague. - No. 1109 00:47:24,441 --> 00:47:25,775 - I have shingles. - Mom! 1110 00:47:25,777 --> 00:47:27,142 I have bird flu. 1111 00:47:27,144 --> 00:47:29,278 - Are you done? - I have a lazy eye. 1112 00:47:29,280 --> 00:47:30,713 Mom! 1113 00:47:30,715 --> 00:47:33,282 Please, can we just talk about our relationship? 1114 00:47:33,284 --> 00:47:35,251 Because I wanna work this out with you. 1115 00:47:35,253 --> 00:47:36,952 Yes. 1116 00:47:36,954 --> 00:47:39,655 Let's do that. Yes. 1117 00:47:39,657 --> 00:47:41,222 - Really? - Yes. 1118 00:47:41,224 --> 00:47:42,258 I wanna work this out with you. 1119 00:47:42,260 --> 00:47:43,392 Honestly? 1120 00:47:43,394 --> 00:47:44,626 I'm gonna run to the ladies' room 1121 00:47:44,628 --> 00:47:46,394 and I will be right back. 1122 00:47:46,396 --> 00:47:47,465 Okay. 1123 00:48:01,646 --> 00:48:03,612 She's not coming back, is she? 1124 00:48:03,614 --> 00:48:05,481 No. 1125 00:48:05,483 --> 00:48:07,448 What is the matter with her? 1126 00:48:07,450 --> 00:48:10,586 - You really wanna know? - Yeah. 1127 00:48:10,588 --> 00:48:13,755 Your mom was probably pretty normal before she had you. 1128 00:48:13,757 --> 00:48:15,191 But then you were born. 1129 00:48:15,193 --> 00:48:16,825 And you didn't sleep for six months 1130 00:48:16,827 --> 00:48:18,693 so she didn't sleep for six months. 1131 00:48:18,695 --> 00:48:21,597 And you refused to eat, and when you did eat 1132 00:48:21,599 --> 00:48:23,298 you would barf all over her clothes. 1133 00:48:23,300 --> 00:48:25,434 And that made your mom a little crazy. 1134 00:48:25,436 --> 00:48:27,936 And then you fell off your bike and you broke your arm. 1135 00:48:27,938 --> 00:48:29,537 And then you got bullied in school. 1136 00:48:29,539 --> 00:48:31,372 And then you started dating that weird dude 1137 00:48:31,374 --> 00:48:33,142 with the stick through his nose. 1138 00:48:33,144 --> 00:48:34,943 And all those things made your mom 1139 00:48:34,945 --> 00:48:36,612 a little more crazy. 1140 00:48:36,614 --> 00:48:38,046 And then you got married. 1141 00:48:38,048 --> 00:48:39,849 And you bought a house you can't afford. 1142 00:48:39,851 --> 00:48:41,650 And you're raising kids who never say 1143 00:48:41,652 --> 00:48:43,184 "Please" or "Thank you." 1144 00:48:43,186 --> 00:48:45,019 Shit, they can't even read. 1145 00:48:45,021 --> 00:48:46,988 And all those things made your mom 1146 00:48:46,990 --> 00:48:48,523 super-duper crazy. 1147 00:48:48,525 --> 00:48:50,825 And now you come into my office, and you go 1148 00:48:50,827 --> 00:48:53,963 "Dr. Karl, why is my mom so crazy?" 1149 00:48:53,965 --> 00:48:56,731 And the answer is... 1150 00:48:56,733 --> 00:48:57,999 you, motherfucker. 1151 00:48:58,001 --> 00:48:59,834 You made your mom crazy. 1152 00:48:59,836 --> 00:49:02,037 So be nice to your mom, 'cause you're the one 1153 00:49:02,039 --> 00:49:03,972 who fucked her shit up. 1154 00:49:03,974 --> 00:49:08,142 ♪ You make it feel like Christmas ♪♪ 1155 00:49:08,144 --> 00:49:12,247 We are gonna dominate caroling this year. 1156 00:49:12,249 --> 00:49:13,816 What are you wearing? 1157 00:49:13,818 --> 00:49:15,550 Sweetie, if you wanna win the Caroling Cup 1158 00:49:15,552 --> 00:49:17,253 you have to have a theme. 1159 00:49:17,255 --> 00:49:18,921 Which is why we are all going 1160 00:49:18,923 --> 00:49:21,523 as characters from "A Christmas Carol." 1161 00:49:21,525 --> 00:49:24,425 - Oh, my God! - Dylan, you're Marley's Ghost. 1162 00:49:24,427 --> 00:49:27,329 Jane, you are the Ghost of Christmas Present. 1163 00:49:27,331 --> 00:49:28,563 Oh, great. 1164 00:49:28,565 --> 00:49:30,599 And Amy, you're Scrooge. 1165 00:49:30,601 --> 00:49:32,700 Oh. Wow, thanks, mom. 1166 00:49:32,702 --> 00:49:34,535 I just think it's appropriate, given how much 1167 00:49:34,537 --> 00:49:36,604 you seem to hate Christmas this year. 1168 00:49:36,606 --> 00:49:38,573 Mother, I don't hate Christmas. 1169 00:49:38,575 --> 00:49:40,441 And here is everyone's sheet music. 1170 00:49:40,443 --> 00:49:42,443 I'd hoped we'd all be off-book by now. 1171 00:49:42,445 --> 00:49:44,280 - This is a lot of songs. - Well... 1172 00:49:44,282 --> 00:49:46,615 Every home in Westbury gets to vote on who wins the Cup. 1173 00:49:46,617 --> 00:49:50,084 So we have to hit at least 300 houses tonight. 1174 00:49:50,086 --> 00:49:51,352 Three hundred? 1175 00:49:51,354 --> 00:49:52,854 Don't worry. We have back-up. 1176 00:49:52,856 --> 00:49:54,923 Come on in, everybody. 1177 00:49:54,925 --> 00:49:58,626 Please welcome the Chicago All Saints Choir. 1178 00:49:58,628 --> 00:50:00,362 You hired ringers? 1179 00:50:00,364 --> 00:50:03,365 I did what I needed to do to succeed, Amy. 1180 00:50:03,367 --> 00:50:05,133 You should try it sometime. 1181 00:50:05,135 --> 00:50:07,869 Okay, fine. We'll go caroling. 1182 00:50:07,871 --> 00:50:10,107 But I'm not wearing this ridiculous costume. 1183 00:50:13,744 --> 00:50:15,646 Fuck me. 1184 00:50:22,954 --> 00:50:25,054 Hey, guys, we got more carolers. 1185 00:50:25,056 --> 00:50:27,057 Read your line, Scrooge! 1186 00:50:28,793 --> 00:50:30,327 - Do it. - Mm. 1187 00:50:31,996 --> 00:50:33,896 "Bah-humbug, I'm Ebenezer Scrooge 1188 00:50:33,898 --> 00:50:35,430 "and I hate Christmas because it's so much work 1189 00:50:35,432 --> 00:50:37,131 and I am lazy." 1190 00:50:37,133 --> 00:50:39,068 Please, Mr. Scrooge! 1191 00:50:39,070 --> 00:50:41,135 Won't you listen to our song? 1192 00:50:41,137 --> 00:50:45,240 And let ye heart be warmed! Two, three, four. 1193 00:50:45,242 --> 00:50:49,945 ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪ 1194 00:50:49,947 --> 00:50:52,981 ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪ 1195 00:50:52,983 --> 00:50:55,751 ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪ 1196 00:50:55,753 --> 00:50:59,021 ♪ And a happy New Year ♪ 1197 00:50:59,023 --> 00:51:02,124 ♪ Good tidings we bring ♪ 1198 00:51:02,126 --> 00:51:04,492 ♪ To you and your kids ♪ 1199 00:51:04,494 --> 00:51:07,829 ♪ Yeah good tidings for Christmas ♪ 1200 00:51:07,831 --> 00:51:09,831 What the fuck is happening? 1201 00:51:09,833 --> 00:51:12,434 ♪ Happy New Year everybody ♪ 1202 00:51:13,704 --> 00:51:16,372 ♪ And a happy New Year ♪♪ 1203 00:51:27,784 --> 00:51:29,952 "Bah-humbug, I'm Ebenezer Scrooge 1204 00:51:29,954 --> 00:51:31,954 and I hate Christmas because it's so much work..." 1205 00:51:31,956 --> 00:51:34,356 Amy? 1206 00:51:34,358 --> 00:51:36,025 Oh, shit! 1207 00:51:36,027 --> 00:51:39,561 What in the fuck are you wearing? 1208 00:51:39,563 --> 00:51:41,296 My mom made me wear this. 1209 00:51:41,298 --> 00:51:44,233 Oh, my God! You look amazing, serious... 1210 00:51:44,235 --> 00:51:46,501 Honestly, this is better than what you usually wear at school. 1211 00:51:46,503 --> 00:51:47,836 - Wait, guys, come here. - No, no, guys, it's okay. 1212 00:51:47,838 --> 00:51:48,903 You could, you could just stay there, it's... 1213 00:51:48,905 --> 00:51:50,204 This is Amy Mitchell. 1214 00:51:50,206 --> 00:51:52,006 She's dressed up as an old fat man. 1215 00:51:52,008 --> 00:51:54,709 Uh, no, I'm actually supposed to be Scrooge, but that's... 1216 00:51:54,711 --> 00:51:56,878 Don't laugh, she's my friend. That's rude. 1217 00:51:56,880 --> 00:51:59,048 Honey, I'm going to Instagram the shit out of this, right now. 1218 00:51:59,050 --> 00:52:00,215 - Okay, wait. Side angle. - Oh, great! 1219 00:52:00,217 --> 00:52:02,050 - And this one. - Okay, um. 1220 00:52:02,052 --> 00:52:04,086 Can you do a li... Can you purse your lips for me a little bit? 1221 00:52:04,088 --> 00:52:05,887 I'm gonna go kill myself, so... 1222 00:52:05,889 --> 00:52:08,724 I'll put a filter on it, so you don't look so tired. 1223 00:52:08,726 --> 00:52:11,093 - Thank you for visiting, Amy! - Bye. 1224 00:52:11,095 --> 00:52:12,994 I will never let you forget this. 1225 00:52:12,996 --> 00:52:15,430 - You know that. - I do. 1226 00:52:15,432 --> 00:52:17,369 Was that a broken dick on her face? 1227 00:52:20,704 --> 00:52:23,738 Well, I thought that was an enormous success. 1228 00:52:23,740 --> 00:52:25,907 Mom, this, this, this isn't working. 1229 00:52:25,909 --> 00:52:27,675 - What isn't working? - This, this. 1230 00:52:27,677 --> 00:52:29,410 I-I wanted a mellow Christmas 1231 00:52:29,412 --> 00:52:31,380 and you keep fighting me every step of the way. 1232 00:52:31,382 --> 00:52:34,182 Amy, this is a very important Christmas for your kids. 1233 00:52:34,184 --> 00:52:35,883 You cannot just phone it in. 1234 00:52:35,885 --> 00:52:38,186 I'm not, I'm not phoning it in. 1235 00:52:38,188 --> 00:52:41,255 My kids told me that they wanted a mellow Christmas. 1236 00:52:41,257 --> 00:52:43,425 And I promised them that I would give it to them. 1237 00:52:43,427 --> 00:52:45,193 Well, of course they told you that, Amy. 1238 00:52:45,195 --> 00:52:47,595 Because they're telling you what they think you want to hear. 1239 00:52:47,597 --> 00:52:48,963 But secretly, they know that I'm right. 1240 00:52:48,965 --> 00:52:51,400 Because you know what? I just am. 1241 00:52:51,402 --> 00:52:53,034 Okay. 1242 00:52:53,036 --> 00:52:56,472 Ha-ha! You know what? I'm done fighting this. 1243 00:52:56,474 --> 00:52:58,407 I'm gonna tell you exactly 1244 00:52:58,409 --> 00:53:00,441 how we're doing Christmas this year. 1245 00:53:00,443 --> 00:53:02,276 The kids and I are gonna spend 1246 00:53:02,278 --> 00:53:03,979 the entire Christmas Eve day sledding. 1247 00:53:03,981 --> 00:53:05,414 And then, we're gonna come home 1248 00:53:05,416 --> 00:53:07,883 bake cookies, and watch "Love Actually." 1249 00:53:07,885 --> 00:53:10,385 - Dumb movie. - Then, Christmas morning. 1250 00:53:10,387 --> 00:53:12,753 Only Jessie and his daughter are gonna come over 1251 00:53:12,755 --> 00:53:15,157 and we're gonna exchange three gifts. 1252 00:53:15,159 --> 00:53:16,892 Who's Jessie? 1253 00:53:16,894 --> 00:53:18,593 Then we're gonna spend all day in our pajamas 1254 00:53:18,595 --> 00:53:20,762 until my friends come over for dinner 1255 00:53:20,764 --> 00:53:23,898 when we are gonna order Chinese takeout from Mr. Wang's. 1256 00:53:23,900 --> 00:53:25,501 - The horror. - Ugh! 1257 00:53:25,503 --> 00:53:27,468 There'll be no show-offy party 1258 00:53:27,470 --> 00:53:29,972 no sushi, no camels. 1259 00:53:29,974 --> 00:53:34,843 And definitely, definitely, no Kenny G. 1260 00:53:34,845 --> 00:53:37,146 Amy, he is the godfather of smooth jazz. 1261 00:53:37,148 --> 00:53:40,314 Mom, I am done with your over-the-top Christmases. 1262 00:53:40,316 --> 00:53:42,151 This is my house, and this is my life. 1263 00:53:42,153 --> 00:53:43,619 And if you want to come down here 1264 00:53:43,621 --> 00:53:45,921 and be a part of my family 1265 00:53:45,923 --> 00:53:48,026 then you have to live by my rules. 1266 00:53:51,762 --> 00:53:53,929 - Okay. - Really? 1267 00:53:53,931 --> 00:53:55,099 We will do it your way. 1268 00:53:57,001 --> 00:53:59,336 We will have a mellow Christmas. 1269 00:54:01,005 --> 00:54:03,271 I hope you're happy. 1270 00:54:03,273 --> 00:54:04,372 I don't think you mean that. 1271 00:54:04,374 --> 00:54:06,307 But thank you, I am. 1272 00:54:06,309 --> 00:54:11,313 ♪ You can have my sugar sugar sugar baby ♪ 1273 00:54:11,315 --> 00:54:15,883 ♪ Wanna give you my sugar sugar sugar baby ♪ 1274 00:54:15,885 --> 00:54:19,023 ♪ Wanna give it to you ♪ 1275 00:54:20,557 --> 00:54:23,525 ♪ If you want me to ♪♪ 1276 00:54:26,563 --> 00:54:28,030 And it worked. 1277 00:54:28,032 --> 00:54:29,697 I stood up to her, and she totally backed down. 1278 00:54:29,699 --> 00:54:32,200 - I'm so proud of you. - Thank you. 1279 00:54:32,202 --> 00:54:33,367 I actually felt, for the first time 1280 00:54:33,369 --> 00:54:35,137 my mom looked at me as an equal. 1281 00:54:35,139 --> 00:54:39,474 Like maybe someday, somehow, we could be closer. 1282 00:54:39,476 --> 00:54:40,842 Relax, Obama. 1283 00:54:40,844 --> 00:54:43,077 Your mom is still a colossal bitch. 1284 00:54:43,079 --> 00:54:45,813 Don't let your guard down, or she's gonna blow up your car. 1285 00:54:45,815 --> 00:54:47,481 - Alright, alright. - I'm just saying. 1286 00:54:47,483 --> 00:54:49,651 Well, either way, it was a big step. 1287 00:54:49,653 --> 00:54:52,887 So, I just wanna say thank you for encouraging me. 1288 00:54:52,889 --> 00:54:56,592 - Aww, we're so proud. Whoo! - Thank you. 1289 00:54:56,594 --> 00:54:58,760 You know what I think we should do to celebrate? 1290 00:54:58,762 --> 00:55:00,862 Watch a bunch of Santa Clauses 1291 00:55:00,864 --> 00:55:04,233 take off their clothes! 1292 00:55:04,235 --> 00:55:06,601 ♪ Give me the green light ♪ 1293 00:55:06,603 --> 00:55:08,102 ♪ 'Cause I'm ready to go ♪ 1294 00:55:08,104 --> 00:55:11,005 ♪ Let's have a good time ♪ 1295 00:55:11,007 --> 00:55:12,407 ♪ What you waiting for? ♪ 1296 00:55:12,409 --> 00:55:15,043 ♪ We only got one life ♪ 1297 00:55:15,045 --> 00:55:16,378 ♪ And we gonna live it up ♪ 1298 00:55:16,380 --> 00:55:19,447 Oh, yay! I love Santa Claus. 1299 00:55:19,449 --> 00:55:22,017 And there's so many of them. 1300 00:55:22,019 --> 00:55:25,119 Guys, I don't wanna make a big deal of it. 1301 00:55:25,121 --> 00:55:27,722 But, um, I'm kind of on a first date 1302 00:55:27,724 --> 00:55:28,956 with one of the Santas. 1303 00:55:28,958 --> 00:55:30,392 - Shut up. - Yeah. 1304 00:55:30,394 --> 00:55:32,727 Wait. Which one? 1305 00:55:32,729 --> 00:55:35,731 Santa number two. 1306 00:55:35,733 --> 00:55:38,032 ♪ If you know what I mean I'mma ride that mami ♪ 1307 00:55:38,034 --> 00:55:40,034 ♪ Yeah I got the key and I'mma lock that mami... ♪♪ 1308 00:55:40,036 --> 00:55:41,202 How'd you guys meet? 1309 00:55:41,204 --> 00:55:42,604 Oh, waxing his balls. 1310 00:55:42,606 --> 00:55:44,606 That is so romantic. 1311 00:55:44,608 --> 00:55:47,409 You learn a lot about a man when you wax his sack. 1312 00:55:47,411 --> 00:55:50,646 You know, some guys cry. Some guys act real tough. 1313 00:55:50,648 --> 00:55:55,249 But... But Ty, he was so calm. 1314 00:55:55,251 --> 00:55:59,086 It was almost like waxing the balls of the Dalai Lama. 1315 00:55:59,088 --> 00:56:00,123 Whoo! 1316 00:56:01,291 --> 00:56:03,624 How you doin' tonight, Chicago? 1317 00:56:05,061 --> 00:56:06,093 Alright. 1318 00:56:06,095 --> 00:56:07,262 Okay, listen, ladies 1319 00:56:07,264 --> 00:56:09,063 I need you guys to tell me 1320 00:56:09,065 --> 00:56:10,766 which one of these Sexy Santas 1321 00:56:10,768 --> 00:56:13,302 is the sexiest of them all? 1322 00:56:13,304 --> 00:56:15,604 Think you're ready? Yeah! 1323 00:56:15,606 --> 00:56:17,171 Okay, well, let's start this thing off. 1324 00:56:17,173 --> 00:56:19,407 Santa number one, the bar is yours, sir. 1325 00:56:32,255 --> 00:56:35,158 Oh. That is a lot of white skin. 1326 00:56:41,365 --> 00:56:43,331 Okay, you know what? Alright, alright, Santa number one. 1327 00:56:43,333 --> 00:56:44,865 The audience has spoken. 1328 00:56:44,867 --> 00:56:46,334 Thank you. Such a good sport. 1329 00:56:46,336 --> 00:56:48,035 Such a good sport. 1330 00:56:48,037 --> 00:56:50,706 Alright. Now. 1331 00:56:50,708 --> 00:56:52,307 Bring it to the stage, my man 1332 00:56:52,309 --> 00:56:56,043 Santa number two! 1333 00:57:18,402 --> 00:57:21,005 Yeah! Take it off! 1334 00:57:37,420 --> 00:57:40,354 He's, he's really good at stripping. 1335 00:57:40,356 --> 00:57:43,224 - He has such kind eyes. - Yeah. 1336 00:57:43,226 --> 00:57:45,162 I'm gonna fuck his dick off tonight. 1337 00:57:48,699 --> 00:57:52,036 Put a baby in me, Santa number two! 1338 00:57:53,237 --> 00:57:54,372 Whoo! 1339 00:57:56,106 --> 00:57:58,776 Whoo! I love his panties. They're so seasonal. 1340 00:58:07,284 --> 00:58:09,052 Oh, my God. 1341 00:58:12,889 --> 00:58:16,023 - I think I'm in love. - What? 1342 00:58:16,025 --> 00:58:20,197 I honestly think that he's... the one. 1343 00:58:21,465 --> 00:58:22,566 Is that your mom? 1344 00:58:27,070 --> 00:58:30,137 Wait, holy shit. It is. Why is... Mom! 1345 00:58:30,139 --> 00:58:32,441 What, what are you doing? 1346 00:58:32,443 --> 00:58:34,041 - Oh, look at that. - Yeah. 1347 00:58:34,043 --> 00:58:36,146 My mom dances this way with everybody. 1348 00:58:38,449 --> 00:58:40,784 So, this doesn't bother me at all. 1349 00:58:43,619 --> 00:58:45,454 Oh, my God. His face is in her tits. 1350 00:58:45,456 --> 00:58:47,889 Wait. Mom. Mom, no motorboating! 1351 00:58:47,891 --> 00:58:49,458 - We talked about this. - Alright. 1352 00:58:49,460 --> 00:58:51,059 - It's about to get weird. - It's game time. 1353 00:58:51,061 --> 00:58:52,827 - Oh, you look great! - That's my mom. 1354 00:58:52,829 --> 00:58:54,262 - That's your mom? - Yeah, that's my mom. 1355 00:58:54,264 --> 00:58:56,063 - Your mom? - Yeah. 1356 00:58:56,065 --> 00:58:58,499 Oh, my God, it's a pleasure. You have such a lovely daughter. 1357 00:58:58,501 --> 00:58:59,601 I know. 1358 00:59:03,474 --> 00:59:05,139 You should never have to watch 1359 00:59:05,141 --> 00:59:07,476 your mom lick your boyfriend's nipples. 1360 00:59:07,478 --> 00:59:09,510 - No. - Mom! 1361 00:59:09,512 --> 00:59:11,912 What are you doing? 1362 00:59:11,914 --> 00:59:13,948 - Whoa. - Oh, my God. 1363 00:59:15,251 --> 00:59:17,017 Mom! 1364 00:59:21,358 --> 00:59:23,791 Not one person caught me. That was amazing. 1365 00:59:23,793 --> 00:59:26,695 Every time they jump into the crowd, someone usually... 1366 00:59:26,697 --> 00:59:28,329 - Hi. - Oh. 1367 00:59:28,331 --> 00:59:30,365 - Hi. Hey. - Here you are. 1368 00:59:30,367 --> 00:59:33,501 I, uh... Bag of ice for you. 1369 00:59:33,503 --> 00:59:35,440 - Oh. - Thank you, Ty. 1370 00:59:36,039 --> 00:59:37,039 Um... 1371 00:59:38,608 --> 00:59:40,175 So, about tonight, um, you know 1372 00:59:40,177 --> 00:59:42,110 we were gonna hang out after the show. 1373 00:59:42,112 --> 00:59:43,945 And, uh, I mean, I was looking forward to it. 1374 00:59:43,947 --> 00:59:45,680 I was wondering if, uh... 1375 00:59:45,682 --> 00:59:47,048 If you're still up for it, you know? 1376 00:59:47,050 --> 00:59:49,316 - Oh, Ty. - Yeah. 1377 00:59:49,318 --> 00:59:50,318 Um... 1378 00:59:52,121 --> 00:59:54,122 - I would love to. - Good. 1379 00:59:54,124 --> 00:59:55,155 But, um... 1380 00:59:55,157 --> 00:59:56,691 You know, I think this is 1381 00:59:56,693 --> 00:59:58,693 my mom's third concussion this month and I'm just... 1382 00:59:58,695 --> 01:00:01,496 Wow, that's a lot of concussions. 1383 01:00:01,498 --> 01:00:04,331 Better stay with her for observation. 1384 01:00:04,333 --> 01:00:05,333 Yeah. 1385 01:00:06,903 --> 01:00:08,239 Well, um... 1386 01:00:09,806 --> 01:00:11,972 I gotta get back to Cleveland tomorrow. 1387 01:00:11,974 --> 01:00:14,843 - Right. - But, uh... 1388 01:00:14,845 --> 01:00:16,845 Think I could give you a call next time I come into town? 1389 01:00:16,847 --> 01:00:19,146 Would that... that interest you at all? 1390 01:00:19,148 --> 01:00:20,215 Could I do that? 1391 01:00:20,217 --> 01:00:21,249 - Please. - Yeah? 1392 01:00:21,251 --> 01:00:22,684 - Yes. - Great. 1393 01:00:22,686 --> 01:00:25,519 I'd, I'd wax your balls for free. 1394 01:00:25,521 --> 01:00:28,055 That is so sweet. 1395 01:00:28,057 --> 01:00:30,427 Well, I would really love that, Carla. 1396 01:00:32,028 --> 01:00:33,929 And so would my balls. 1397 01:00:33,931 --> 01:00:36,831 Well. Consider it done. 1398 01:00:36,833 --> 01:00:37,835 And, uh... 1399 01:00:39,769 --> 01:00:41,235 Oh. 1400 01:00:41,237 --> 01:00:42,940 Sorry, I thought you wanted to... 1401 01:00:44,907 --> 01:00:47,342 Merry Christmas, Carla. 1402 01:00:47,344 --> 01:00:48,679 Merry Christmas, Ty. 1403 01:00:53,550 --> 01:00:57,084 ♪ Bells will be ringing ♪ 1404 01:00:57,086 --> 01:01:01,389 ♪ The glad glad news ♪ 1405 01:01:01,391 --> 01:01:05,793 ♪ Oh what a Christmas ♪ 1406 01:01:05,795 --> 01:01:09,898 ♪ You have the blues ♪ 1407 01:01:09,900 --> 01:01:13,568 ♪ My baby's gone ♪ 1408 01:01:13,570 --> 01:01:17,872 ♪ I have no friends ♪ 1409 01:01:17,874 --> 01:01:21,276 ♪ To wish me greetings ♪ 1410 01:01:21,278 --> 01:01:22,711 ♪ Mm ♪ 1411 01:01:22,713 --> 01:01:25,249 ♪ Once again ♪♪ 1412 01:01:27,217 --> 01:01:30,619 Okay, time for bed, my darlings. 1413 01:01:30,621 --> 01:01:32,787 Tonight, I am going to sing you 1414 01:01:32,789 --> 01:01:34,655 "My Heart Will Go On" 1415 01:01:34,657 --> 01:01:38,425 by seven-time Grammy winner, Celine Dion. 1416 01:01:38,427 --> 01:01:39,429 Mm-hm? 1417 01:01:42,132 --> 01:01:43,501 What's the matter? 1418 01:01:45,568 --> 01:01:47,434 Is everything okay with you and mom? 1419 01:01:47,436 --> 01:01:49,604 Yeah, you guys have been fighting a lot. 1420 01:01:49,606 --> 01:01:52,143 Come here and sit by me. Both of you, come here. 1421 01:01:54,510 --> 01:01:58,579 Now, your mother and I just have a few tiny disagreements 1422 01:01:58,581 --> 01:02:00,115 about the importance of Christmas 1423 01:02:00,117 --> 01:02:01,782 and what it means to be a mother 1424 01:02:01,784 --> 01:02:04,284 and the sanctity of marriage and how best to raise children. 1425 01:02:04,286 --> 01:02:06,621 But otherwise, everything is fine. 1426 01:02:06,623 --> 01:02:10,525 There's no reason to worry, okay? 1427 01:02:10,527 --> 01:02:13,628 Look, I know this is your first Christmas 1428 01:02:13,630 --> 01:02:15,497 since your parents got divorced. 1429 01:02:15,499 --> 01:02:17,865 And it's probably a little strange for you. Am I right? 1430 01:02:17,867 --> 01:02:19,501 - Yeah. - Yeah. It really is. 1431 01:02:19,503 --> 01:02:21,369 Well, first of all 1432 01:02:21,371 --> 01:02:24,805 both of your parents still love you so very much. 1433 01:02:24,807 --> 01:02:27,541 And no matter what happens 1434 01:02:27,543 --> 01:02:30,811 I will always be there for you. 1435 01:02:30,813 --> 01:02:32,546 Always. 1436 01:02:32,548 --> 01:02:35,450 Because you're my grandkids, and I love you 1437 01:02:35,452 --> 01:02:37,818 more than anything in the whole world. 1438 01:02:37,820 --> 01:02:39,954 And so does Grandpa Hank. 1439 01:02:39,956 --> 01:02:41,655 I know his brain is the size of a walnut 1440 01:02:41,657 --> 01:02:43,560 but you know, his heart is enormous. 1441 01:02:46,996 --> 01:02:49,731 - Okay? Feel better? - Yeah. 1442 01:02:49,733 --> 01:02:51,566 It's really nice having you here, grandma. 1443 01:02:51,568 --> 01:02:54,235 - Yeah. We really miss you. - Yeah. 1444 01:02:54,237 --> 01:02:57,505 Oh, I miss you, too. 1445 01:02:57,507 --> 01:03:01,209 Grandkids, they really are the greatest gift. 1446 01:03:01,211 --> 01:03:04,912 Speaking of gifts, have some iPhones. 1447 01:03:04,914 --> 01:03:06,715 - Nice. - No way. 1448 01:03:06,717 --> 01:03:08,650 Now, get ready for bed. 1449 01:03:08,652 --> 01:03:11,921 And I will come back and sing to you for hours. 1450 01:03:17,728 --> 01:03:20,260 I can't believe people fall for this shit. It's so stupid. 1451 01:03:20,262 --> 01:03:22,162 - Yeah, I know. - Oh wait, here comes somebody. 1452 01:03:22,164 --> 01:03:24,032 - Merry Christmas! - Oh, Merry Christmas. 1453 01:03:24,034 --> 01:03:25,166 Ho, ho, hold on. 1454 01:03:25,168 --> 01:03:26,867 Hey, would you like to, uh, donate 1455 01:03:26,869 --> 01:03:30,271 your canned goods to our Christmas Canned Food Drive? 1456 01:03:30,273 --> 01:03:32,773 Oh, um, I sort of just bought all this. 1457 01:03:32,775 --> 01:03:36,244 - Bingo. She's got cans. - Oh! 1458 01:03:36,246 --> 01:03:38,912 Oh, mom, look, look, look. She's got wine. 1459 01:03:38,914 --> 01:03:41,249 Thank you very much for a very generous donation 1460 01:03:41,251 --> 01:03:43,084 to the "Canned Christmas Food Drive." 1461 01:03:43,086 --> 01:03:44,921 The children are gonna be so happy. 1462 01:03:45,889 --> 01:03:47,688 Yes! 1463 01:03:47,690 --> 01:03:50,425 - That was a good haul, mom. - Yeah, she had some good shit. 1464 01:03:50,427 --> 01:03:53,227 You know... ripping off rich people 1465 01:03:53,229 --> 01:03:55,764 in front of the supermarket with you is... 1466 01:03:55,766 --> 01:03:58,733 bringing back a lotta happy Christmas memories for me. 1467 01:03:58,735 --> 01:04:01,436 Yeah. Me too, babe. 1468 01:04:01,438 --> 01:04:03,604 I miss you, you know? 1469 01:04:03,606 --> 01:04:05,305 I miss you, too. 1470 01:04:05,307 --> 01:04:08,041 It's so weird. 1471 01:04:08,043 --> 01:04:12,215 Yeah. Maybe we should... spend more time together? 1472 01:04:13,583 --> 01:04:15,916 Do you mean that? 1473 01:04:15,918 --> 01:04:17,385 Yeah. 1474 01:04:17,387 --> 01:04:18,653 You know, when we were at the bouncy place 1475 01:04:18,655 --> 01:04:21,456 with, um... what's his name? 1476 01:04:21,458 --> 01:04:23,758 - Oh, my son, Jaxon? - Yeah, him. 1477 01:04:23,760 --> 01:04:26,126 Um, I was watching you two and you were beating the shit 1478 01:04:26,128 --> 01:04:28,095 out of each other with those sticks, and I thought 1479 01:04:28,097 --> 01:04:30,798 "You know, maybe I should have a relationship with my grandson." 1480 01:04:30,800 --> 01:04:34,337 Well, we'd, um, we'd love to see you more. 1481 01:04:35,171 --> 01:04:38,005 Yeah. Okay. 1482 01:04:38,007 --> 01:04:39,807 You know, uh... 1483 01:04:39,809 --> 01:04:41,175 I've been doing a lot of thinking 1484 01:04:41,177 --> 01:04:43,144 about the money you asked me for, mom, and... 1485 01:04:43,146 --> 01:04:45,512 Um, I'm such an idiot. 1486 01:04:45,514 --> 01:04:49,286 But it's Christmas and you're my mom and... 1487 01:04:50,786 --> 01:04:53,688 Eh, fuck it. Here. It's a loan. It's a loan. 1488 01:04:53,690 --> 01:04:55,289 I mean, this is not everything you asked for, but... 1489 01:04:55,291 --> 01:04:57,791 - Oh, no, that's great! - Basically all I have. 1490 01:04:57,793 --> 01:04:59,459 Thank you so much. This is a loan. 1491 01:04:59,461 --> 01:05:01,195 I will pay you back, I swear. 1492 01:05:01,197 --> 01:05:02,597 I really have my shit together now. 1493 01:05:02,599 --> 01:05:04,365 Thanks. Whoa! 1494 01:05:04,367 --> 01:05:06,601 Hey! Sir, Merry Christmas! 1495 01:05:06,603 --> 01:05:08,436 - Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas! 1496 01:05:08,438 --> 01:05:11,872 Would you like to donate your cans to our Canned Food Drive? 1497 01:05:11,874 --> 01:05:14,843 We're collecting for a drive for the homeless. 1498 01:05:14,845 --> 01:05:17,878 - Yikes. I just bought all this. - And the canned goods. 1499 01:05:17,880 --> 01:05:19,947 - You know, this is important. - The fuck is this? 1500 01:05:19,949 --> 01:05:21,782 Uh, that's fennel. 1501 01:05:21,784 --> 01:05:23,351 - Oh, fuck it. - So happy. 1502 01:05:23,353 --> 01:05:25,220 Thank you so much. 1503 01:05:25,222 --> 01:05:28,956 Oh, shit. Manager. Manager's coming. Code red, code red. 1504 01:05:28,958 --> 01:05:30,325 Go, go, go. Mom! Where did we park? 1505 01:05:30,327 --> 01:05:32,059 - Where did we park? - Happy Hanukkah. 1506 01:05:32,061 --> 01:05:33,293 - Where did we park? - Go, go, go, go. 1507 01:05:33,295 --> 01:05:35,863 They just totally stole all my shit. 1508 01:05:35,865 --> 01:05:37,365 Taking this, though. This is cute, right? 1509 01:05:37,367 --> 01:05:38,499 Yeah, yeah. 1510 01:05:38,501 --> 01:05:40,133 Okay, guys. 1511 01:05:40,135 --> 01:05:42,003 So since it's Christmas Eve, everybody gets to open 1512 01:05:42,005 --> 01:05:43,503 one present, okay? 1513 01:05:43,505 --> 01:05:46,206 Oh! Kiki. Hey, Kiki, Kiki. Open mine. 1514 01:05:46,208 --> 01:05:48,209 Please open mine first. Please. 1515 01:05:48,211 --> 01:05:51,015 - I'll go first. I guess. - Okay. 1516 01:05:53,315 --> 01:05:54,514 What's this? 1517 01:05:54,516 --> 01:05:57,251 It is a key 1518 01:05:57,253 --> 01:06:00,054 to my new house! 1519 01:06:00,056 --> 01:06:01,923 What are you talking about? 1520 01:06:01,925 --> 01:06:03,724 Well, after our therapy session 1521 01:06:03,726 --> 01:06:05,193 I felt like we were drifting apart. 1522 01:06:05,195 --> 01:06:08,829 So I decided to move closer to you guys. 1523 01:06:08,831 --> 01:06:11,865 Oh. Okay. Uh, where are you moving to? 1524 01:06:11,867 --> 01:06:13,434 Right next door! 1525 01:06:13,436 --> 01:06:16,070 - Jesus. - What? 1526 01:06:16,072 --> 01:06:18,039 You're moving, um, next door to me? 1527 01:06:18,041 --> 01:06:19,874 Yeah, the house wasn't on the market. 1528 01:06:19,876 --> 01:06:22,110 So I checked it out on Zillow and I made an all-cash offer. 1529 01:06:22,112 --> 01:06:24,378 And then, boom. Howdy, neighbor. 1530 01:06:24,380 --> 01:06:27,081 - Howdy, neighbor. - Oh, my God. 1531 01:06:27,083 --> 01:06:30,450 We can dig a tunnel between the houses. Keeks! 1532 01:06:30,452 --> 01:06:32,222 Oh, Keeks. 1533 01:06:33,456 --> 01:06:35,023 Kent, get the kids out of here. 1534 01:06:35,025 --> 01:06:37,758 Mm-hm. Yep, yep. Let's go, guys. Let's get outta here. 1535 01:06:37,760 --> 01:06:39,293 Mommy and grandma gotta talk. Come on, buddy. 1536 01:06:39,295 --> 01:06:41,128 This is gonna get ugly. 1537 01:06:41,130 --> 01:06:42,396 - Mom. Mom. - What? What? 1538 01:06:42,398 --> 01:06:43,965 You can't live next door to me. 1539 01:06:43,967 --> 01:06:46,767 - Why, why not? - Because I need space. 1540 01:06:46,769 --> 01:06:49,139 And t-that, that is too close. 1541 01:06:50,907 --> 01:06:54,474 - I have diabetes. - Mom, stop. 1542 01:06:54,476 --> 01:06:56,077 - Sit down. Sit down. - Kiki. Kiki. 1543 01:06:56,079 --> 01:06:57,244 - Sit. - Kiki. 1544 01:06:57,246 --> 01:06:58,713 - I've got strep throat. - Mom. 1545 01:06:58,715 --> 01:07:00,148 - I might have gallstones... - No. 1546 01:07:00,150 --> 01:07:01,983 - And really, Kiki, this is... - Enough. 1547 01:07:01,985 --> 01:07:04,485 We need to have this conversation. 1548 01:07:04,487 --> 01:07:07,588 I am a grown woman who needs a life 1549 01:07:07,590 --> 01:07:09,990 that is separate from yours, and I need you 1550 01:07:09,992 --> 01:07:12,827 to have a life that's separate from mine. 1551 01:07:12,829 --> 01:07:14,762 I'm sorry. 1552 01:07:14,764 --> 01:07:17,231 Kiki, I don't want a life separate from yours. 1553 01:07:17,233 --> 01:07:18,666 You're my favorite person in the whole world. 1554 01:07:18,668 --> 01:07:20,267 I know, but, mom, this is starting 1555 01:07:20,269 --> 01:07:21,601 to affect my marriage. 1556 01:07:21,603 --> 01:07:23,271 - What? - And my family. 1557 01:07:23,273 --> 01:07:24,838 - Oh. - And my sanity. 1558 01:07:24,840 --> 01:07:27,175 And I just, I need you to... 1559 01:07:27,177 --> 01:07:30,280 To, to just let me go a little bit. 1560 01:07:32,282 --> 01:07:35,115 Well, what am I supposed to do with myself? 1561 01:07:35,117 --> 01:07:37,751 I don't know, mom! Anything! Make some friends! 1562 01:07:37,753 --> 01:07:39,519 You're always saying you wanna go to Vegas 1563 01:07:39,521 --> 01:07:41,956 to see Wayne Newton before he dies. 1564 01:07:41,958 --> 01:07:43,925 Do that! Anything! 1565 01:07:43,927 --> 01:07:46,095 As long as it's without me! 1566 01:07:48,999 --> 01:07:50,000 Without you? 1567 01:07:52,769 --> 01:07:54,872 Why are you doing this to me, Kiki? 1568 01:07:56,306 --> 01:07:58,372 I didn't... Mom. 1569 01:07:58,374 --> 01:08:01,878 And I really don't think I can return that house! 1570 01:08:10,519 --> 01:08:12,452 - Whoo! - Hey. 1571 01:08:12,454 --> 01:08:14,322 - How fun was that sledding? - Oh, that was fun. 1572 01:08:14,324 --> 01:08:16,691 There is still an alarming amount of snow 1573 01:08:16,693 --> 01:08:18,159 in my pants, I gotta say. 1574 01:08:18,161 --> 01:08:19,626 Oh, I can't wait to go home 1575 01:08:19,628 --> 01:08:22,030 throw on some jammies, get comfy. 1576 01:08:22,032 --> 01:08:25,499 I know. It's gonna be... Oh, look, someone's having a party. 1577 01:08:25,501 --> 01:08:27,968 Yeah, they are. 1578 01:08:27,970 --> 01:08:30,204 - Wow, that's a lot of people. - A lot of people. 1579 01:08:30,206 --> 01:08:31,738 Wait. 1580 01:08:31,740 --> 01:08:33,476 You're having a party. 1581 01:08:34,543 --> 01:08:36,479 Um, is that a camel? 1582 01:08:38,514 --> 01:08:40,416 Yup, that's a camel. 1583 01:08:42,685 --> 01:08:44,652 I'm gonna kill her. 1584 01:08:53,695 --> 01:08:55,599 What the fuck? 1585 01:09:01,104 --> 01:09:03,771 What did she do to my house? 1586 01:09:04,841 --> 01:09:05,841 No! 1587 01:09:06,943 --> 01:09:08,078 Gomenasai. 1588 01:09:20,222 --> 01:09:23,023 Kenny G's in my den. 1589 01:09:28,698 --> 01:09:29,800 Mom. 1590 01:09:31,066 --> 01:09:32,970 You lied to me. 1591 01:09:34,404 --> 01:09:36,269 I did what was best for the family. 1592 01:09:36,271 --> 01:09:39,040 Mom, everything that is wrong with Christmas is in this room 1593 01:09:39,042 --> 01:09:40,407 and I want it all gone. 1594 01:09:40,409 --> 01:09:42,143 Amy, don't be ridiculous. 1595 01:09:42,145 --> 01:09:44,411 You can't kick Kenny G out of the house. 1596 01:09:44,413 --> 01:09:45,745 He's a national treasure. 1597 01:09:45,747 --> 01:09:47,647 If you won't do it, then I will. 1598 01:09:47,649 --> 01:09:49,282 You wouldn't dare. 1599 01:09:49,284 --> 01:09:51,220 Oh. Watch me. 1600 01:09:54,423 --> 01:09:57,458 Yo! I need you to leave my house. 1601 01:09:57,460 --> 01:09:58,625 What are you talking about? 1602 01:09:58,627 --> 01:10:00,894 Get the fuck out, Kenny G. 1603 01:10:00,896 --> 01:10:02,263 - I'm still getting paid, right? - I don't know! 1604 01:10:02,265 --> 01:10:04,732 Take your little flute and shoo! Shoo, fly. 1605 01:10:04,734 --> 01:10:06,834 - Go make another album. - It's not a flute, bitch. 1606 01:10:06,836 --> 01:10:09,504 Don't care. Thank you so much. Thank you. You can go now. 1607 01:10:09,506 --> 01:10:11,472 Please. You can leave. Thank you so much for coming. 1608 01:10:11,474 --> 01:10:12,906 Thank you very much. You too, my friend. 1609 01:10:12,908 --> 01:10:14,942 Please. No, no. Please exit. 1610 01:10:14,944 --> 01:10:18,146 I don't know any of you. Please leave my house. 1611 01:10:18,148 --> 01:10:20,982 Farewell, see you later. Sushi chef, you gotta go. 1612 01:10:20,984 --> 01:10:22,349 We're done. You can take that plate. 1613 01:10:22,351 --> 01:10:25,189 Amy, stop! You're embarrassing the family. 1614 01:10:27,157 --> 01:10:29,423 Oh, my God. That's what this is about, isn't it? 1615 01:10:29,425 --> 01:10:30,958 This finally makes sense. 1616 01:10:30,960 --> 01:10:33,126 The, the perfect decorations, the perfect tree 1617 01:10:33,128 --> 01:10:35,263 whatever the hell that thing is in my front yard. 1618 01:10:35,265 --> 01:10:38,198 You didn't do this for the kids! You did this for you! 1619 01:10:38,200 --> 01:10:39,866 All you care about is for people to go 1620 01:10:39,868 --> 01:10:41,701 "Oh, Ruth. You're so amazing." 1621 01:10:41,703 --> 01:10:43,437 I have no idea what you're talking about. 1622 01:10:43,439 --> 01:10:44,972 Please don't leave without taking 1623 01:10:44,974 --> 01:10:47,107 your Louis Vuitton swag bag. 1624 01:10:47,109 --> 01:10:48,776 Oh, God. Oh, God. Please. 1625 01:10:48,778 --> 01:10:50,777 Th-this has got to all go. A-all of this has got to go. 1626 01:10:50,779 --> 01:10:53,046 Th-the swag bags, th-the weird curtains 1627 01:10:53,048 --> 01:10:54,648 the floor, the tree. 1628 01:10:54,650 --> 01:10:57,218 Oh, God, the tree has got to go. 1629 01:10:57,220 --> 01:10:59,519 No, not my tree! It's from Paris! 1630 01:10:59,521 --> 01:11:01,789 - Watch me. - No! 1631 01:11:01,791 --> 01:11:03,323 No! 1632 01:11:03,325 --> 01:11:05,192 Say goodbye to your tree, mother! 1633 01:11:05,194 --> 01:11:08,396 - That's an antique! - It's a hideous tree, mother! 1634 01:11:08,398 --> 01:11:10,830 - You have no idea! - It's not even real snow! 1635 01:11:10,832 --> 01:11:12,799 How dare you! You know how much that thing costs? 1636 01:11:12,801 --> 01:11:14,669 I don't care! Let go! 1637 01:11:14,671 --> 01:11:17,338 Let go! Let go! 1638 01:11:17,340 --> 01:11:19,807 Those were from the "Titanic!" 1639 01:11:19,809 --> 01:11:21,145 I don't care! 1640 01:11:24,247 --> 01:11:25,845 That ice was from the moon! 1641 01:11:25,847 --> 01:11:28,148 It was moon ice, you nasty bitch! 1642 01:11:28,150 --> 01:11:30,483 Let go of the stupid tree! 1643 01:11:30,485 --> 01:11:32,553 Let go! 1644 01:11:32,555 --> 01:11:33,920 Listen, mom! 1645 01:11:33,922 --> 01:11:35,322 I promised my kids 1646 01:11:35,324 --> 01:11:36,924 I wouldn't do Christmas like this! 1647 01:11:36,926 --> 01:11:39,259 Everybody loves a Christmas like this! 1648 01:11:39,261 --> 01:11:40,928 It's fucking spectacular! 1649 01:11:40,930 --> 01:11:42,699 No, they don't! 1650 01:11:53,909 --> 01:11:55,444 Holy shit. 1651 01:11:56,679 --> 01:11:59,112 - I need you to get out. - Amy. 1652 01:11:59,114 --> 01:12:00,447 I've been putting up with your shit 1653 01:12:00,449 --> 01:12:02,782 my entire life. 1654 01:12:02,784 --> 01:12:04,352 I can't do it anymore. 1655 01:12:04,354 --> 01:12:06,519 I just... I can't. 1656 01:12:06,521 --> 01:12:07,921 I need you out of my house 1657 01:12:07,923 --> 01:12:09,924 and I need you out of my life for good. 1658 01:12:09,926 --> 01:12:13,697 - You don't mean that. - I really, really do. 1659 01:12:17,100 --> 01:12:19,436 - Amy, it's Christmas. - Mother, get out! 1660 01:12:43,760 --> 01:12:45,896 Did you just kick out grandma forever? 1661 01:12:47,430 --> 01:12:49,162 Guys, how long have you been standing here? 1662 01:12:49,164 --> 01:12:50,997 How could you do this to us? 1663 01:12:50,999 --> 01:12:53,334 Guys, would you please just trust me that it's for the best? 1664 01:12:53,336 --> 01:12:55,969 No, it's not! It's the best for you. 1665 01:12:55,971 --> 01:12:57,604 We actually love grandma. 1666 01:12:57,606 --> 01:13:00,340 Yeah, she's a part of our family, and we love her. 1667 01:13:00,342 --> 01:13:02,509 Yo-you don't just kick someone out. 1668 01:13:02,511 --> 01:13:05,646 First, you kick dad out. Now, you kick grandma out. 1669 01:13:05,648 --> 01:13:07,915 Who's next? Are you gonna kick us out? 1670 01:13:07,917 --> 01:13:11,085 What, honey, no, of course not. I would never do that. 1671 01:13:11,087 --> 01:13:13,657 Why do you always have to screw everything up? 1672 01:13:15,257 --> 01:13:16,756 Honey... 1673 01:13:16,758 --> 01:13:17,761 Nice goin'. 1674 01:13:19,929 --> 01:13:20,929 Guys. 1675 01:13:22,131 --> 01:13:23,131 Guys... 1676 01:13:32,175 --> 01:13:34,709 So that's how it happened. 1677 01:13:34,711 --> 01:13:37,844 That's how I ruined Christmas. 1678 01:13:37,846 --> 01:13:39,946 I got so wrapped up in fighting with my mom 1679 01:13:39,948 --> 01:13:41,615 that I lost sight of the only thing 1680 01:13:41,617 --> 01:13:44,151 that actually matters. 1681 01:13:44,153 --> 01:13:46,056 I lost sight of my kids. 1682 01:13:47,055 --> 01:13:49,522 And what's worse is... 1683 01:13:49,524 --> 01:13:51,791 I didn't just ruin Christmas. 1684 01:13:51,793 --> 01:13:54,461 I ruined my family. 1685 01:13:56,365 --> 01:14:00,401 ♪ Forget what Father Brennan said ♪ 1686 01:14:00,403 --> 01:14:03,870 ♪ We were not born in sin ♪ 1687 01:14:03,872 --> 01:14:07,575 ♪ Leave a note on your bed ♪ 1688 01:14:07,577 --> 01:14:09,410 Mom? 1689 01:14:09,412 --> 01:14:11,211 It's Christmas Eve. 1690 01:14:11,213 --> 01:14:13,149 Where do you wanna get takeout? 1691 01:14:15,551 --> 01:14:18,355 Mom? Mom? 1692 01:14:35,538 --> 01:14:39,240 ♪ Pack yourself a toothbrush dear ♪ 1693 01:14:39,242 --> 01:14:42,610 ♪ Pack yourself a favorite blouse ♪ 1694 01:14:42,612 --> 01:14:46,379 ♪ Take a withdrawal slip ♪ 1695 01:14:46,381 --> 01:14:49,683 ♪ Take all of your savings out ♪ 1696 01:14:49,685 --> 01:14:53,420 ♪ 'Cause if we don't leave this town ♪ 1697 01:14:53,422 --> 01:14:56,760 ♪ We might never make it out ♪ 1698 01:15:11,440 --> 01:15:15,543 ♪ Forget what Father Brennan said ♪ 1699 01:15:15,545 --> 01:15:19,045 ♪ We were not born in sin ♪ 1700 01:15:19,047 --> 01:15:22,549 ♪ Leave a note on your bed ♪ 1701 01:15:22,551 --> 01:15:26,120 ♪ Let your mother know you're safe ♪ 1702 01:15:26,122 --> 01:15:29,490 ♪ And by the time she wakes ♪ 1703 01:15:29,492 --> 01:15:33,160 ♪ We'll have driven through the state ♪ 1704 01:15:33,162 --> 01:15:36,397 ♪ We'll have driven through the night ♪ 1705 01:15:36,399 --> 01:15:38,598 ♪ Baby come on ♪♪ 1706 01:15:38,600 --> 01:15:39,600 Hey. 1707 01:15:40,802 --> 01:15:43,303 Oh, hello. 1708 01:15:43,305 --> 01:15:47,073 Thank you again for inviting me to your church. 1709 01:15:47,075 --> 01:15:49,143 I really didn't. 1710 01:15:49,145 --> 01:15:55,148 ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪♪ 1711 01:15:55,150 --> 01:15:56,817 What's up, bitches? 1712 01:15:56,819 --> 01:15:58,986 Oh, my gosh, it's Isis. 1713 01:15:58,988 --> 01:16:00,420 Isis is here. 1714 01:16:00,422 --> 01:16:03,022 - Hi, Isis. - Hey. 1715 01:16:03,024 --> 01:16:04,657 Well, I must say, I didn't expect you 1716 01:16:04,659 --> 01:16:06,626 to be the church-going type. 1717 01:16:06,628 --> 01:16:09,964 Well, I'm, I'm workin' out some shit. 1718 01:16:09,966 --> 01:16:11,868 Plus, all the bars are closed. 1719 01:16:14,636 --> 01:16:17,370 Oh, you guys. 1720 01:16:17,372 --> 01:16:20,710 I could really use some churchin' tonight. 1721 01:16:22,545 --> 01:16:24,478 You know what I mean? 1722 01:16:24,480 --> 01:16:26,379 - No. - Nope? 1723 01:16:26,381 --> 01:16:30,384 Well, today my daughter told me she needed "More space." 1724 01:16:30,386 --> 01:16:32,353 I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. 1725 01:16:32,355 --> 01:16:33,987 Yeah, well, my daughter just kicked me 1726 01:16:33,989 --> 01:16:35,388 out of her life forever. 1727 01:16:36,458 --> 01:16:38,192 Why? 1728 01:16:38,194 --> 01:16:39,893 Because I push her to be the best 1729 01:16:39,895 --> 01:16:41,995 and she can't handle it. 1730 01:16:41,997 --> 01:16:43,731 Of course, my mother pushed me twice as hard 1731 01:16:43,733 --> 01:16:45,866 and I turned out amazing. 1732 01:16:45,868 --> 01:16:50,303 But I guess not everyone is as incredibly strong as I am. 1733 01:16:50,305 --> 01:16:53,307 Well, my daughter didn't kick me out of the house or anything. 1734 01:16:53,309 --> 01:16:55,476 But you would not believe how mad she got 1735 01:16:55,478 --> 01:16:57,510 when I told her I bought the house next to hers. 1736 01:16:57,512 --> 01:17:00,147 What? You bought the house next to your daughter? 1737 01:17:00,149 --> 01:17:03,017 - Yeah, I did. - Did you ask her first? 1738 01:17:03,019 --> 01:17:05,719 No, I wanted it to be a surprise. 1739 01:17:05,721 --> 01:17:07,854 Yeah, that might be a bit much. 1740 01:17:07,856 --> 01:17:10,523 Dude, that is fucking psycho. 1741 01:17:10,525 --> 01:17:12,192 Well, at least I love my daughter. 1742 01:17:12,194 --> 01:17:14,527 You only visit Carla when you need money. 1743 01:17:14,529 --> 01:17:15,662 Uh, no, that is not true. 1744 01:17:15,664 --> 01:17:17,196 I visit her on other occasions 1745 01:17:17,198 --> 01:17:20,067 like when I'm hiding from someone. 1746 01:17:20,069 --> 01:17:22,001 Oh, just admit it, Isis. 1747 01:17:22,003 --> 01:17:23,536 You're a degenerate gambler 1748 01:17:23,538 --> 01:17:24,838 with a third-grade education 1749 01:17:24,840 --> 01:17:26,005 and a cheap weave. 1750 01:17:26,007 --> 01:17:28,342 This is my own hair, okay? 1751 01:17:28,344 --> 01:17:29,876 And you're a terrible mother. 1752 01:17:29,878 --> 01:17:33,013 - Ladies, it is Jesus' birthday. - No, I'm serious. 1753 01:17:33,015 --> 01:17:35,115 You think that you are so perfect. 1754 01:17:35,117 --> 01:17:37,684 But you are the worst mom of all of us. 1755 01:17:37,686 --> 01:17:39,519 - Well, I don't know... - Okay, okay. 1756 01:17:39,521 --> 01:17:41,522 Second worst, whatever. But the point is 1757 01:17:41,524 --> 01:17:45,692 that you're one of those moms that you, you dress so perfectly 1758 01:17:45,694 --> 01:17:49,562 and you give fancy parties, and you know how to cook food. 1759 01:17:49,564 --> 01:17:51,732 And, and you have all your own teeth. 1760 01:17:51,734 --> 01:17:53,067 But you know what? You suck. 1761 01:17:53,069 --> 01:17:55,736 You suck at all the shit that really matters. 1762 01:17:55,738 --> 01:17:58,304 And I even can see it, and I'm stoned all the time. 1763 01:17:58,306 --> 01:17:59,706 Please, you don't know the first thing about me. 1764 01:17:59,708 --> 01:18:01,040 Well, if you're such an awesome mom 1765 01:18:01,042 --> 01:18:02,241 why did your daughter kick you out 1766 01:18:02,243 --> 01:18:03,544 of her life forever? 1767 01:18:03,546 --> 01:18:05,245 In your face. 1768 01:18:05,247 --> 01:18:06,613 And you know what, I have done horrible stuff 1769 01:18:06,615 --> 01:18:08,581 to my daughter, really horrible shit. 1770 01:18:08,583 --> 01:18:11,785 And she has never kicked me out. Never. 1771 01:18:11,787 --> 01:18:14,420 So you just take that and you roll it up real tight 1772 01:18:14,422 --> 01:18:17,391 and you shove it up your ass. 1773 01:18:17,393 --> 01:18:19,893 Okay. 1774 01:18:19,895 --> 01:18:24,098 We've all shared some very powerful feelings tonight. 1775 01:18:24,100 --> 01:18:25,465 Oh, shut the fuck up, Sandy. 1776 01:18:25,467 --> 01:18:26,469 You bet. 1777 01:18:43,653 --> 01:18:45,919 - Hey. - Hey. 1778 01:18:45,921 --> 01:18:48,254 Well, I heard what happened. 1779 01:18:48,256 --> 01:18:49,525 Hmm. 1780 01:18:51,359 --> 01:18:52,695 You doin' okay? 1781 01:18:55,096 --> 01:18:56,432 I don't know. 1782 01:18:59,502 --> 01:19:00,933 Can I ask you something? 1783 01:19:00,935 --> 01:19:02,335 Sure. 1784 01:19:02,337 --> 01:19:04,370 How do you take it? 1785 01:19:04,372 --> 01:19:05,505 Take what? 1786 01:19:05,507 --> 01:19:07,107 Living with mom. 1787 01:19:07,109 --> 01:19:08,942 I mean, s-s-she's so bossy 1788 01:19:08,944 --> 01:19:10,376 and controlling and... 1789 01:19:10,378 --> 01:19:12,446 Oh, my God, she's so vain. 1790 01:19:12,448 --> 01:19:14,814 I mean, she spends all her time 1791 01:19:14,816 --> 01:19:17,351 you know, creating this, this perfect image of herself 1792 01:19:17,353 --> 01:19:19,119 just so she can lord it over people. 1793 01:19:19,121 --> 01:19:21,621 Sweetie, your mom isn't vain. 1794 01:19:21,623 --> 01:19:23,823 Oh, come on, she, she wears 1795 01:19:23,825 --> 01:19:26,893 a princess outfit at least once a month. 1796 01:19:26,895 --> 01:19:28,629 You're probably never gonna believe this. 1797 01:19:28,631 --> 01:19:30,967 But your mom is the most insecure woman I've ever met. 1798 01:19:32,033 --> 01:19:33,901 My mother? 1799 01:19:33,903 --> 01:19:36,135 - Ruth? - Yes. 1800 01:19:36,137 --> 01:19:39,173 - Redmond? Huh. - Yes. 1801 01:19:39,175 --> 01:19:40,973 She never shows anyone except for me. 1802 01:19:40,975 --> 01:19:45,178 But beneath that tough exterior is a scared little girl 1803 01:19:45,180 --> 01:19:46,914 whose mom never really loved her. 1804 01:19:46,916 --> 01:19:48,549 Oh, come on, dad. 1805 01:19:48,551 --> 01:19:50,550 You know her mother. 1806 01:19:50,552 --> 01:19:51,985 Nothing your mom does 1807 01:19:51,987 --> 01:19:53,420 is ever good enough for that woman. 1808 01:19:53,422 --> 01:19:55,555 She makes your mom feel worthless 1809 01:19:55,557 --> 01:19:57,758 every single day of her life. 1810 01:19:57,760 --> 01:19:59,759 So that's why it's so important to your mom 1811 01:19:59,761 --> 01:20:01,695 to make everything perfect. 1812 01:20:01,697 --> 01:20:03,162 It's not because she's vain. 1813 01:20:03,164 --> 01:20:05,198 It's, it's, it's... You know, it's because 1814 01:20:05,200 --> 01:20:07,433 when someone tells her she's got the most amazing 1815 01:20:07,435 --> 01:20:10,370 Christmas tree on the block, it makes her feel just for a second 1816 01:20:10,372 --> 01:20:12,106 like she's not worthless. 1817 01:20:12,108 --> 01:20:15,541 Like she's, she's actually good at something. 1818 01:20:15,543 --> 01:20:17,945 Like she's, like she's loved. 1819 01:20:17,947 --> 01:20:19,879 Why does she take it out on me then? 1820 01:20:19,881 --> 01:20:22,249 Because you know what she's most insecure about? 1821 01:20:22,251 --> 01:20:23,951 Mm... 1822 01:20:23,953 --> 01:20:25,288 Bein' a mom. 1823 01:20:28,056 --> 01:20:31,724 I-I can't tell you the number of times she said to me... 1824 01:20:31,726 --> 01:20:34,695 "Did I do a good job raising Amy? 1825 01:20:34,697 --> 01:20:37,233 Am I good mother? Did I screw everything up?" 1826 01:20:38,234 --> 01:20:39,465 She really asked that? 1827 01:20:39,467 --> 01:20:41,134 Sweetheart, she loves you 1828 01:20:41,136 --> 01:20:42,736 more than anything in the world. 1829 01:20:42,738 --> 01:20:45,606 She's just got a... 1830 01:20:45,608 --> 01:20:47,406 a deeply fucked up way of showing it. 1831 01:20:47,408 --> 01:20:49,076 Yeah. 1832 01:20:49,078 --> 01:20:52,478 Look, I've been married to your mother for 36 years. 1833 01:20:52,480 --> 01:20:53,914 Hm. 1834 01:20:53,916 --> 01:20:56,950 And she is a pain in the ass even on a good day. 1835 01:20:56,952 --> 01:20:58,652 But you know what? 1836 01:20:58,654 --> 01:21:01,120 I love her more now than I did the day we got married. 1837 01:21:01,122 --> 01:21:04,090 Because I know the real her. 1838 01:21:04,092 --> 01:21:08,094 And if you can find it in your heart to forgive her 1839 01:21:08,096 --> 01:21:10,496 and get to know her like I know her... 1840 01:21:10,498 --> 01:21:15,169 you might just find that there is a funny 1841 01:21:15,171 --> 01:21:19,141 sweet, beautiful person hiding inside there. 1842 01:21:20,408 --> 01:21:22,175 Did you say "Sweet?" 1843 01:21:22,177 --> 01:21:26,515 Okay, a funny, beautiful person hiding in there. 1844 01:21:29,984 --> 01:21:30,984 Yeah. 1845 01:21:32,855 --> 01:21:33,855 Yeah. 1846 01:21:35,824 --> 01:21:37,456 You know where she is? 1847 01:21:37,458 --> 01:21:39,125 It's Christmas Eve. 1848 01:21:58,713 --> 01:22:03,016 ♪ And the mountains in reply ♪ 1849 01:22:03,018 --> 01:22:06,820 ♪ Echoing their joyous strains ♪ 1850 01:22:06,822 --> 01:22:13,328 ♪ Glo-o-o-ria ♪ 1851 01:22:14,296 --> 01:22:15,795 Excuse me, I'm so sorry. 1852 01:22:15,797 --> 01:22:18,732 ♪ In excelsis Deo ♪ 1853 01:22:18,734 --> 01:22:21,835 ♪ Gl-o-o-oria ♪♪ 1854 01:22:21,837 --> 01:22:23,704 Hey, mom. 1855 01:22:23,706 --> 01:22:24,706 Hi. 1856 01:22:26,341 --> 01:22:28,541 - Hi. - Hi, I'm Sandy. 1857 01:22:28,543 --> 01:22:30,076 - I'm Kiki's mom. - Yes, I know. 1858 01:22:30,078 --> 01:22:32,045 - Nice to see you again. - How you doin'? 1859 01:22:32,047 --> 01:22:33,379 Hey, wow, look at that. 1860 01:22:33,381 --> 01:22:36,383 All of you are here. Okay. 1861 01:22:36,385 --> 01:22:38,518 And what are you doing here, Amy? 1862 01:22:38,520 --> 01:22:40,519 I, um... 1863 01:22:40,521 --> 01:22:42,255 I actually came to apologize 1864 01:22:42,257 --> 01:22:44,193 for kicking you out of the house. 1865 01:22:46,662 --> 01:22:49,263 You're my mom, and that was a little harsh. 1866 01:22:49,265 --> 01:22:50,834 It certainly was. 1867 01:22:52,333 --> 01:22:53,333 Yeah. 1868 01:22:54,770 --> 01:22:56,003 Okay. 1869 01:22:56,005 --> 01:22:57,336 Hey, psycho bitch 1870 01:22:57,338 --> 01:22:58,871 your daughter just apologized to you. 1871 01:22:58,873 --> 01:23:01,575 You're now supposed to say "I'm sorry" to her. 1872 01:23:01,577 --> 01:23:03,610 That's the way human beings talk to each other. 1873 01:23:03,612 --> 01:23:04,612 Yeah. 1874 01:23:09,685 --> 01:23:12,422 I'm also basically sorry. 1875 01:23:15,224 --> 01:23:17,456 Okay, good. That was good. 1876 01:23:17,458 --> 01:23:19,394 Now, tell her what you're sorry for. 1877 01:23:21,363 --> 01:23:22,699 You got this. 1878 01:23:26,234 --> 01:23:27,934 It is possible that I should not 1879 01:23:27,936 --> 01:23:31,537 have thrown a secret Christmas party at your house. 1880 01:23:31,539 --> 01:23:33,740 Obviously, you made an incredible number 1881 01:23:33,742 --> 01:23:36,710 of bad decisions this Christmas as well. 1882 01:23:36,712 --> 01:23:42,249 But... for the tiny fraction of blame that falls on me 1883 01:23:42,251 --> 01:23:47,824 I am... I am generally... apologetic. 1884 01:23:50,091 --> 01:23:51,791 Okay. 1885 01:23:51,793 --> 01:23:53,927 Thank you. 1886 01:23:53,929 --> 01:23:55,795 Mom, I know that that was 1887 01:23:55,797 --> 01:23:57,496 really, really hard for you to say. 1888 01:23:57,498 --> 01:23:59,434 I-it actually really was. 1889 01:24:02,971 --> 01:24:05,339 And, um... you know what? 1890 01:24:05,341 --> 01:24:07,307 I just, I want you to know that I finally 1891 01:24:07,309 --> 01:24:09,244 understand why you're like this. 1892 01:24:11,846 --> 01:24:16,752 And I need you to know... that I love you. 1893 01:24:19,421 --> 01:24:21,324 What's that supposed to mean? 1894 01:24:24,592 --> 01:24:27,130 I don't think that you're worthless. 1895 01:24:29,465 --> 01:24:31,865 I think you're fucking amazing. 1896 01:24:31,867 --> 01:24:33,200 Why are you saying this? 1897 01:24:33,202 --> 01:24:35,137 And no matter what anyone says... 1898 01:24:37,305 --> 01:24:39,441 I think you're a great mom. 1899 01:24:43,479 --> 01:24:44,978 Really? 1900 01:24:44,980 --> 01:24:45,980 Yeah. 1901 01:24:47,382 --> 01:24:49,318 Yeah, I loved my childhood. 1902 01:24:50,786 --> 01:24:53,122 I did. You gave me everything that I needed. 1903 01:24:54,823 --> 01:24:57,160 And you always pushed me to do better. 1904 01:24:59,161 --> 01:25:01,128 And were you perfect? 1905 01:25:01,130 --> 01:25:03,129 - Yes. - No. 1906 01:25:04,899 --> 01:25:08,067 But none of us are. 1907 01:25:08,069 --> 01:25:10,236 So, I just... 1908 01:25:10,238 --> 01:25:16,144 I really want you to know... that you did great. 1909 01:25:18,514 --> 01:25:22,648 That's the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me. 1910 01:25:22,650 --> 01:25:24,317 I mean, I... 1911 01:25:24,319 --> 01:25:27,821 I actually think that you're a really wonderful mom. 1912 01:25:27,823 --> 01:25:29,522 I mean, your kids are so happy. 1913 01:25:29,524 --> 01:25:32,260 They're so sweet and they love you so much. 1914 01:25:35,329 --> 01:25:37,667 - Thank you. - I mean, I wish... 1915 01:25:40,202 --> 01:25:43,873 I wish I was as close to you as you are to your kids. 1916 01:25:46,707 --> 01:25:48,610 We still can, mom. 1917 01:25:52,213 --> 01:25:55,048 Wow, I'm just not very good at this, Amy. 1918 01:25:55,050 --> 01:25:57,787 But I just love you so much. 1919 01:25:58,854 --> 01:26:02,425 I love you so much. I do. 1920 01:26:06,395 --> 01:26:08,562 - God. - Oh, my God. 1921 01:26:08,564 --> 01:26:10,796 You're a train wreck. 1922 01:26:10,798 --> 01:26:13,700 Well, it's a very complicated 1923 01:26:13,702 --> 01:26:15,936 relationship between a mother and a daughter. 1924 01:26:15,938 --> 01:26:18,104 But these two... 1925 01:26:18,106 --> 01:26:19,371 They've got it together. 1926 01:26:19,373 --> 01:26:20,773 - I know. I know, babe. - Finally. 1927 01:26:20,775 --> 01:26:22,608 Yeah. Okay. Here. 1928 01:26:22,610 --> 01:26:25,144 - Do you want some this? - Yes. 1929 01:26:25,146 --> 01:26:27,746 It's okay. It's okay. 1930 01:26:27,748 --> 01:26:28,915 It's okay. 1931 01:26:28,917 --> 01:26:30,317 Okay, mom? 1932 01:26:31,920 --> 01:26:33,253 Mom, is it midnight already? 1933 01:26:33,255 --> 01:26:34,257 Well, yeah. 1934 01:26:35,791 --> 01:26:37,590 We gotta save Christmas. 1935 01:26:37,592 --> 01:26:39,625 Oh, my God. I've been waiting my whole life for this. 1936 01:26:42,497 --> 01:26:44,897 ♪ Dashing through the snow ♪ 1937 01:26:44,899 --> 01:26:48,000 ♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪ 1938 01:26:48,002 --> 01:26:50,670 ♪ O'er the fields we go ♪ 1939 01:26:50,672 --> 01:26:53,339 - ♪ Laughing all the way ♪ - ♪ Laughing all the way ♪ 1940 01:26:53,341 --> 01:26:55,976 ♪ Bells on bobtails ring ♪ 1941 01:26:55,978 --> 01:26:58,344 ♪ Making spirits bright ♪ 1942 01:26:58,346 --> 01:27:01,281 ♪ What fun it is to laugh and sing ♪ 1943 01:27:01,283 --> 01:27:03,616 ♪ A sleighing song tonight ♪ 1944 01:27:03,618 --> 01:27:06,952 ♪ Whoa jingle bells jingle bells ♪ 1945 01:27:06,954 --> 01:27:09,755 - ♪ Jingle all the way ♪ - ♪ Jingle jingle ♪ 1946 01:27:09,757 --> 01:27:12,159 ♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪ 1947 01:27:12,161 --> 01:27:14,161 ♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪ 1948 01:27:14,163 --> 01:27:17,664 ♪ Hey jingle bells jingle bells ♪ 1949 01:27:17,666 --> 01:27:20,634 - ♪ Jingle all the way ♪ - ♪ Jingle jingle ♪ 1950 01:27:20,636 --> 01:27:23,103 ♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪ 1951 01:27:23,105 --> 01:27:27,844 ♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪♪ 1952 01:27:43,124 --> 01:27:46,328 Oh, my God! This is amazing. 1953 01:27:47,563 --> 01:27:49,629 Merry Christmas, guys. 1954 01:27:49,631 --> 01:27:52,631 Mom, you really did a lot of work. 1955 01:27:52,633 --> 01:27:54,537 I had a little help. 1956 01:27:55,804 --> 01:27:57,137 Merry Christmas, children. 1957 01:27:57,139 --> 01:27:59,371 Grandma. 1958 01:27:59,373 --> 01:28:02,675 Oh! Go open your presents. 1959 01:28:02,677 --> 01:28:05,545 I got you seasons one through six of "The Walking Dead." 1960 01:28:05,547 --> 01:28:07,981 - Oh, good Lord. Really, mom? - Thanks, grandma. 1961 01:28:07,983 --> 01:28:09,516 I'll get it. 1962 01:28:09,518 --> 01:28:11,052 Oh, my God. 1963 01:28:12,186 --> 01:28:14,220 Merry Christmas! 1964 01:28:14,222 --> 01:28:17,223 Lori, Merry Christmas, honey. 1965 01:28:17,225 --> 01:28:20,227 - Merry Christmas, Ruth. - Merry Christmas, Jesus. 1966 01:28:20,229 --> 01:28:22,728 Uh, it's, it's Jessie. 1967 01:28:22,730 --> 01:28:24,531 Wow, you have really broad shoulders. 1968 01:28:24,533 --> 01:28:26,098 Amy, feel his shoulders. 1969 01:28:26,100 --> 01:28:27,701 Oh, here we go. Okay, mother. 1970 01:28:27,703 --> 01:28:29,568 Thank you. Get in. 1971 01:28:29,570 --> 01:28:32,339 Oh, thanks for almost learning his name. 1972 01:28:32,341 --> 01:28:34,243 I love you, girl. 1973 01:28:38,346 --> 01:28:39,681 Merry Christmas, Kiki. 1974 01:28:40,849 --> 01:28:42,682 Merry Christmas, mom. 1975 01:28:42,684 --> 01:28:44,587 Do you like my Kiki-head pajamas? 1976 01:28:47,756 --> 01:28:50,055 - Sort of. - Thank you. 1977 01:28:50,057 --> 01:28:51,258 I just wanted to let you know 1978 01:28:51,260 --> 01:28:52,892 that I have put the house 1979 01:28:52,894 --> 01:28:55,128 next door on the market. 1980 01:28:55,130 --> 01:28:56,729 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 1981 01:28:56,731 --> 01:28:58,197 I really appreciate that. 1982 01:28:58,199 --> 01:29:00,634 I know I can be a little psycho sometimes. 1983 01:29:00,636 --> 01:29:02,602 And I know you need your space. 1984 01:29:02,604 --> 01:29:06,639 Which is why I bought the house across the street. 1985 01:29:06,641 --> 01:29:09,709 No, I'm kidding. I didn't buy the house across the street. 1986 01:29:09,711 --> 01:29:10,876 I bought the house down the street. 1987 01:29:10,878 --> 01:29:12,211 - What? - No. 1988 01:29:12,213 --> 01:29:13,446 I'm gonna move into your attic. 1989 01:29:13,448 --> 01:29:15,915 - Mom! Seriously. - Kiki, what? 1990 01:29:15,917 --> 01:29:17,717 Where are you living? 1991 01:29:17,719 --> 01:29:21,454 I'm gonna go back to Bismarck where I belong. 1992 01:29:21,456 --> 01:29:23,490 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 1993 01:29:23,492 --> 01:29:24,994 I just... 1994 01:29:26,795 --> 01:29:29,332 I really miss your dad on Christmas. 1995 01:29:30,765 --> 01:29:32,232 I do too. 1996 01:29:32,234 --> 01:29:33,234 Yeah. 1997 01:29:35,170 --> 01:29:36,505 I do too. 1998 01:29:37,471 --> 01:29:39,973 Merry Christmas. 1999 01:29:39,975 --> 01:29:41,344 Merry Christmas, mom. 2000 01:29:52,421 --> 01:29:54,586 Hey, mom, look what Santa got me. 2001 01:29:54,588 --> 01:29:56,356 A used baseball glove. 2002 01:29:56,358 --> 01:29:57,823 Oh, that's great, buddy. 2003 01:29:57,825 --> 01:29:59,592 I used to have one just like it. 2004 01:30:02,764 --> 01:30:04,100 Is that Santa? 2005 01:30:05,300 --> 01:30:06,700 Why would it be Santa, honey? 2006 01:30:06,702 --> 01:30:08,637 Remember, Santa came last night. 2007 01:30:13,675 --> 01:30:15,610 Can I come in? 2008 01:30:24,720 --> 01:30:25,720 Hm. 2009 01:30:26,954 --> 01:30:30,990 Um, alright, I know I haven't 2010 01:30:30,992 --> 01:30:33,329 been the best mother in the world. 2011 01:30:35,297 --> 01:30:42,168 But you... somehow just turned out really good. 2012 01:30:42,170 --> 01:30:45,707 Um, and, Carla, I just... 2013 01:30:47,475 --> 01:30:49,377 I wanna be more like you. 2014 01:30:51,078 --> 01:30:55,381 So, I've given up gambling... 2015 01:30:55,383 --> 01:30:58,050 - Mom. - On horses. 2016 01:30:58,052 --> 01:31:04,926 And I'm gonna pay you back every cent that I borrowed from you. 2017 01:31:09,898 --> 01:31:11,563 - Really? - Yeah. 2018 01:31:11,565 --> 01:31:13,903 You know, I got a fucking job. 2019 01:31:15,537 --> 01:31:17,437 - Are you fucking kidding me? - No! 2020 01:31:17,439 --> 01:31:21,907 They hired me to be in charge of children's safety. 2021 01:31:21,909 --> 01:31:25,879 Why would they let you do that? 2022 01:31:25,881 --> 01:31:27,914 I don't even know how I passed the drug test. 2023 01:31:27,916 --> 01:31:30,683 - Seriously? - They're crazy. 2024 01:31:30,685 --> 01:31:33,119 And with what they're paying me, I think I can pay you back 2025 01:31:33,121 --> 01:31:36,222 in about 245 years. 2026 01:31:36,224 --> 01:31:40,626 Wait, does this mean you're gonna... stick around 2027 01:31:40,628 --> 01:31:42,030 for a while? 2028 01:31:43,899 --> 01:31:46,435 If it's cool with you, yeah. 2029 01:31:48,103 --> 01:31:49,103 Mom. 2030 01:31:50,771 --> 01:31:52,805 It's all I've ever wanted. 2031 01:31:52,807 --> 01:31:55,578 Well, I'll stay as long as you want me to. 2032 01:31:57,412 --> 01:31:58,412 Mom. 2033 01:32:01,248 --> 01:32:04,983 Mom, also I got a box of Ziploc bags. 2034 01:32:04,985 --> 01:32:07,219 Oh, sweet Jesus. 2035 01:32:08,622 --> 01:32:10,255 ♪ Oh yeah ♪ 2036 01:32:10,257 --> 01:32:13,092 ♪ Candles burnin' low ♪ 2037 01:32:13,094 --> 01:32:16,062 ♪ Lots of mistletoe ♪ 2038 01:32:16,064 --> 01:32:18,897 ♪ Lots of snow and ice ♪ 2039 01:32:18,899 --> 01:32:21,968 ♪ Everywhere we go ♪ 2040 01:32:21,970 --> 01:32:24,003 ♪ Choir singing carols ♪ 2041 01:32:24,005 --> 01:32:27,506 - Shaobing for everybody. - Bing with everybody but me. 2042 01:32:27,508 --> 01:32:30,742 ♪ All these things and more ♪♪ 2043 01:32:30,744 --> 01:32:33,278 God, Chinese food on Christmas. 2044 01:32:33,280 --> 01:32:35,147 I feel like such a Jew. 2045 01:32:35,149 --> 01:32:37,016 Would you like some shaobing? 2046 01:32:37,018 --> 01:32:38,817 Oh, you know I would. 2047 01:32:38,819 --> 01:32:40,986 No, honey, that is Ruth's husband. 2048 01:32:40,988 --> 01:32:42,621 Oh, honestly, have at it. 2049 01:32:42,623 --> 01:32:44,456 Hank deserves a little fun at Christmas. 2050 01:32:44,458 --> 01:32:47,293 Oh. 2051 01:32:47,295 --> 01:32:49,361 I love this. 2052 01:32:49,363 --> 01:32:51,464 Guys, I can't believe that we're eating Chinese food 2053 01:32:51,466 --> 01:32:55,300 for Christmas dinner and my mother is loving it. 2054 01:32:55,302 --> 01:32:56,870 I can't believe my mom's not wearing a sweatshirt. 2055 01:32:56,872 --> 01:33:00,173 - With my face on it. - Guys, we did it. 2056 01:33:00,175 --> 01:33:03,610 We actually took Christmas back this year. 2057 01:33:03,612 --> 01:33:05,143 You know what? I couldn't have done it without you girls. 2058 01:33:05,145 --> 01:33:07,179 - Oh! - Ladies, I love you. 2059 01:33:07,181 --> 01:33:09,214 - We love you back. - Same here. 2060 01:33:10,886 --> 01:33:13,286 Hi, is, um... 2061 01:33:13,288 --> 01:33:15,191 - Is Carla here? - Yes! 2062 01:33:18,126 --> 01:33:20,159 Ty Swindle. 2063 01:33:20,161 --> 01:33:22,829 How did you find me? 2064 01:33:22,831 --> 01:33:27,133 - I just looked for you. - Hi. 2065 01:33:27,135 --> 01:33:29,902 Well, there are so many things I wanna say to you right now. 2066 01:33:29,904 --> 01:33:32,138 Just say it. 2067 01:33:32,140 --> 01:33:33,705 I feel like it's better if I, I do it through 2068 01:33:33,707 --> 01:33:35,808 the universal language of dance. 2069 01:33:35,810 --> 01:33:37,809 - Shut up. - Yes! 2070 01:33:37,811 --> 01:33:40,149 - What dancing? - Christmas dancing. 2071 01:33:49,423 --> 01:33:50,522 Oh, Ty! 2072 01:33:50,524 --> 01:33:51,758 ♪ Well I'm feeling ♪ 2073 01:33:51,760 --> 01:33:53,726 ♪ Mighty fine y'all ♪ 2074 01:33:53,728 --> 01:33:57,263 ♪ Got my music on the radio ♪ 2075 01:33:57,265 --> 01:33:59,766 - Oh, boy. - Oh, my God. 2076 01:33:59,768 --> 01:34:03,268 ♪ Well I'm feeling mighty nice Lord ♪ 2077 01:34:03,270 --> 01:34:08,006 ♪ Got my music on the radio ♪ 2078 01:34:08,008 --> 01:34:09,608 That's beautiful, Ty. 2079 01:34:09,610 --> 01:34:12,911 ♪ Feel like I wanna kiss you baby ♪ 2080 01:34:12,913 --> 01:34:17,584 ♪ Standin' underneath that mistletoe ♪ 2081 01:34:17,586 --> 01:34:19,885 Oh, my fucking God. 2082 01:34:19,887 --> 01:34:22,021 Turn her around. Turn her around. 2083 01:34:22,023 --> 01:34:24,022 It's okay, just turn her around. 2084 01:34:24,024 --> 01:34:27,860 ♪ Maybe left all them good presents for my baby ♪ 2085 01:34:27,862 --> 01:34:31,630 ♪ I said Merry Christmas baby ♪ 2086 01:34:31,632 --> 01:34:34,601 ♪ Surely you treat me nice ♪ 2087 01:34:34,603 --> 01:34:36,969 ♪ You surely treat me nice ♪♪ 2088 01:34:36,971 --> 01:34:40,072 Okay, alright, that's great. 2089 01:34:40,074 --> 01:34:42,474 Okay, we're done. That was amazing. 2090 01:34:42,476 --> 01:34:44,210 Thank you so much. 2091 01:34:44,212 --> 01:34:45,611 Just go for it, dude. 2092 01:34:45,613 --> 01:34:48,113 Oh, baby, don't cry. 2093 01:34:48,115 --> 01:34:51,317 Phew! He's so hot. 2094 01:34:51,319 --> 01:34:53,553 - That's my son. - Yeah? 2095 01:34:53,555 --> 01:34:54,954 - Hey, man. - Right there. 2096 01:34:54,956 --> 01:34:57,055 - That's Jaxon. - Hey, there. How are you? 2097 01:34:57,057 --> 01:34:59,325 - Nice to meet you. - Mm-hmm. 2098 01:34:59,327 --> 01:35:00,826 - I'll take you right in there. - I love you. 2099 01:35:00,828 --> 01:35:02,295 I love you. 2100 01:35:02,297 --> 01:35:04,062 - Phew! - Whoo! 2101 01:35:04,064 --> 01:35:07,500 Oh, we better get going or we're gonna miss our flight. 2102 01:35:07,502 --> 01:35:10,169 - What flight? - Oh, I didn't tell you? 2103 01:35:10,171 --> 01:35:13,438 Isis, Ruth and I are going to Las Vegas for New Year's. 2104 01:35:13,440 --> 01:35:16,643 And we're gonna see Wayne Newton before he dies. 2105 01:35:16,645 --> 01:35:18,143 Whoo! 2106 01:35:18,145 --> 01:35:20,479 The three of you are going to Vegas together? 2107 01:35:20,481 --> 01:35:23,415 Yeah, well, we're best friends now. 2108 01:35:23,417 --> 01:35:25,317 Well, we're, we're new friends. 2109 01:35:25,319 --> 01:35:27,120 We're best friends. 2110 01:35:27,122 --> 01:35:30,156 Yeah, we're new friends. 2111 01:35:30,158 --> 01:35:33,259 Anyways, Merry Christmas, everyone. 2112 01:35:33,261 --> 01:35:35,961 - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas, everyone. 2113 01:35:35,963 --> 01:35:38,630 Hank, get all our bags. 2114 01:35:38,632 --> 01:35:40,866 - ♪ I do what I want ♪ - ♪ She does ♪ 2115 01:35:40,868 --> 01:35:42,768 ♪ Say what you say ♪ 2116 01:35:42,770 --> 01:35:45,037 ♪ I work real hard everyday ♪ 2117 01:35:45,039 --> 01:35:47,439 ♪ I'm a motherfucking woman ♪ 2118 01:35:47,441 --> 01:35:49,675 ♪ Baby alright ♪ 2119 01:35:49,677 --> 01:35:51,277 ♪ I don't need a man ♪ 2120 01:35:51,279 --> 01:35:53,478 ♪ To be holding me too tight ♪ 2121 01:35:53,480 --> 01:35:55,814 ♪ I'm a motherfucking woman ♪ 2122 01:35:55,816 --> 01:35:58,151 ♪ Baby that's right ♪ 2123 01:35:58,153 --> 01:36:01,787 ♪ I'm just having fun with my ladies here tonight ♪ 2124 01:36:01,789 --> 01:36:04,122 ♪ I'm a motherfucker ♪♪ 2125 01:36:11,832 --> 01:36:14,068 Merry Christmas, everyone! 2126 01:36:14,070 --> 01:36:17,836 Subtitles by explosiveskull Resync by GoldenBeard 2127 01:36:18,872 --> 01:36:21,641 ♪ Ho ho ho girl ♪ 2128 01:36:21,643 --> 01:36:23,809 ♪ You're on my naughty list ♪ 2129 01:36:23,811 --> 01:36:24,811 ♪ Tonight ♪ 2130 01:36:27,515 --> 01:36:31,517 ♪ Ho whoa-oh ♪ 2131 01:36:31,519 --> 01:36:34,320 ♪ Yeah yeah ♪ 2132 01:36:34,322 --> 01:36:37,223 ♪ Oh whoa-oh ♪ 2133 01:36:37,225 --> 01:36:38,758 ♪ You know I got to tell you girl ♪ 2134 01:36:38,760 --> 01:36:40,159 ♪ You're something special ♪ 2135 01:36:40,161 --> 01:36:41,728 ♪ The way I feel babe ♪ 2136 01:36:41,730 --> 01:36:43,062 ♪ Gotta have you ♪ 2137 01:36:43,064 --> 01:36:44,863 ♪ Right here with me ♪ 2138 01:36:44,865 --> 01:36:46,866 ♪ I will never let you go ♪ 2139 01:36:46,868 --> 01:36:48,534 ♪ Hey ♪ 2140 01:36:48,536 --> 01:36:49,936 ♪ You stuck with me through the times ♪ 2141 01:36:49,938 --> 01:36:51,370 ♪ I didn't have it ♪ 2142 01:36:51,372 --> 01:36:52,671 ♪ Now we got something good ♪ 2143 01:36:52,673 --> 01:36:54,339 ♪ You can have the plastic ♪ 2144 01:36:54,341 --> 01:36:56,675 ♪ And anything you want you can have it ♪ 2145 01:36:56,677 --> 01:36:59,378 ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪ 2146 01:36:59,380 --> 01:37:02,180 ♪ You're always working hard girl ♪ 2147 01:37:02,182 --> 01:37:04,517 ♪ Tonight we're taking off girl ♪ 2148 01:37:04,519 --> 01:37:07,219 - ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪ - ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪ 2149 01:37:07,221 --> 01:37:10,022 - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪ - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪ 2150 01:37:10,024 --> 01:37:15,527 ♪ I wanna be the first gift you open tonight ♪ 2151 01:37:15,529 --> 01:37:18,531 - ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪ - ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪ 2152 01:37:18,533 --> 01:37:21,233 - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪ - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪ 2153 01:37:21,235 --> 01:37:24,970 ♪ I wanna be the reason that you come home tonight ♪ 2154 01:37:24,972 --> 01:37:28,040 ♪ Feel so good tonight baby ♪ 2155 01:37:28,042 --> 01:37:30,876 ♪ Baby take your time with me ♪ 2156 01:37:30,878 --> 01:37:34,647 ♪ I'm your gift unwrap me slowly ♪ 2157 01:37:34,649 --> 01:37:36,448 ♪ The fireplace is burnin' perfect time to... ♪ 2158 01:37:36,450 --> 01:37:40,152 ♪ Girl I got something special for you ♪ 2159 01:37:40,154 --> 01:37:42,722 ♪ Girl I gotta be ♪ 2160 01:37:42,724 --> 01:37:45,157 ♪ Oh ♪ 2161 01:37:45,159 --> 01:37:47,160 ♪ I don't wanna spend this Christmas ♪ 2162 01:37:47,162 --> 01:37:49,629 ♪ Without you letting me feel ♪ 2163 01:37:49,631 --> 01:37:51,296 ♪ Hey ♪ 2164 01:37:51,298 --> 01:37:52,732 ♪ Your Santa baby ♪ 2165 01:37:52,734 --> 01:37:56,669 ♪ Santa baby ♪ 2166 01:37:56,671 --> 01:37:58,937 ♪ Tonight tonight ♪ 2167 01:37:58,939 --> 01:38:02,073 - ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪ - ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪ 2168 01:38:02,075 --> 01:38:04,811 - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪ - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪ 2169 01:38:04,813 --> 01:38:08,246 ♪ I wanna be the reason that you come home tonight ♪ 2170 01:38:08,248 --> 01:38:10,348 ♪ Come home tonight ♪ 2171 01:38:10,350 --> 01:38:13,119 - ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪ - ♪ Wanna be your Santa Claus ♪ 2172 01:38:13,121 --> 01:38:15,955 - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪ - ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪ 2173 01:38:15,957 --> 01:38:21,527 ♪ I wanna be the first gift you open tonight ♪ 2174 01:38:21,529 --> 01:38:23,428 - ♪ I wanna be ♪ - ♪ I wanna be ♪ 2175 01:38:23,430 --> 01:38:25,464 ♪ I wanna be your Santa Claus ♪ 2176 01:38:25,466 --> 01:38:28,099 ♪ Gotta gotta be gotta gotta be your Santa Claus ♪ 2177 01:38:28,101 --> 01:38:30,803 ♪ Let me be your Santa Claus ♪ 2178 01:38:30,805 --> 01:38:34,773 ♪ Tonight ♪ 2179 01:38:34,775 --> 01:38:37,143 ♪ Merry Christmas baby ♪♪ 2180 01:38:37,145 --> 01:38:40,446 ♪ I do my hair toss check my nails ♪ 2181 01:38:40,448 --> 01:38:43,049 - ♪ Baby how you feelin' ♪ - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪ 2182 01:38:43,051 --> 01:38:45,384 ♪ Hair toss check my nails ♪ 2183 01:38:45,386 --> 01:38:48,521 - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪ - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪ 2184 01:38:48,523 --> 01:38:50,555 ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪ 2185 01:38:50,557 --> 01:38:53,058 - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪ - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪ 2186 01:38:53,060 --> 01:38:55,294 ♪ Whoo girl need to kick off your shoes ♪ 2187 01:38:55,296 --> 01:38:57,696 ♪ Got to take a deep breath time to focus on you ♪ 2188 01:38:57,698 --> 01:39:00,031 ♪ All the big fights long nights that you been through ♪ 2189 01:39:00,033 --> 01:39:03,134 ♪ I got a bottle of tequila I been saving for you ♪ 2190 01:39:03,136 --> 01:39:04,970 ♪ Boss up and change your life ♪ 2191 01:39:04,972 --> 01:39:07,406 ♪ You can have it all no sacrifice ♪ 2192 01:39:07,408 --> 01:39:09,575 ♪ I know he did you wrong we can make it right ♪ 2193 01:39:09,577 --> 01:39:12,844 ♪ So go and let it all hang out tonight ♪ 2194 01:39:12,846 --> 01:39:17,583 ♪ 'Cause he don't love you anymore ♪ 2195 01:39:17,585 --> 01:39:22,187 ♪ So walk your fine ass out the door ♪ 2196 01:39:22,189 --> 01:39:25,391 ♪ And do your hair toss check my nails ♪ 2197 01:39:25,393 --> 01:39:28,094 - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪ - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪ 2198 01:39:28,096 --> 01:39:30,495 ♪ Hair toss check my nails ♪ 2199 01:39:30,497 --> 01:39:33,165 - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪ - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪ 2200 01:39:33,167 --> 01:39:35,500 ♪ Hair toss check my nails ♪ 2201 01:39:35,502 --> 01:39:37,870 - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪ - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪ 2202 01:39:37,872 --> 01:39:40,606 ♪ Hair toss check my nails ♪ 2203 01:39:40,608 --> 01:39:43,679 - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪ - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪ 2204 01:39:45,346 --> 01:39:46,678 ♪ Ooh ♪ 2205 01:39:46,680 --> 01:39:48,781 ♪ Yeah ♪ 2206 01:39:48,783 --> 01:39:51,250 ♪ Alright ♪ 2207 01:39:51,252 --> 01:39:52,785 ♪ Listen ♪ 2208 01:39:52,787 --> 01:39:57,689 ♪ If he don't love you anymore ♪ 2209 01:39:57,691 --> 01:40:02,430 ♪ Then walk your fine ass out the door ♪ 2210 01:40:04,599 --> 01:40:08,099 ♪ And do your hair toss check my nails ♪ 2211 01:40:08,101 --> 01:40:10,469 - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪ - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪ 2212 01:40:10,471 --> 01:40:13,039 ♪ Hair toss check my nails ♪ 2213 01:40:13,041 --> 01:40:15,573 - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪ - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪ 2214 01:40:15,575 --> 01:40:18,110 ♪ Hair toss check my nails ♪ 2215 01:40:18,112 --> 01:40:20,446 - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪ - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪ 2216 01:40:20,448 --> 01:40:22,915 ♪ Hair toss check my nails ♪ 2217 01:40:22,917 --> 01:40:26,384 - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪ - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪ 2218 01:40:26,386 --> 01:40:29,088 - ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪ - ♪ Baby how you feelin'? ♪ 2219 01:40:29,090 --> 01:40:31,891 ♪ Feeling good as hell ♪♪ 163749