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1
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:15,286
The tea in Nepal is very hot.
2
00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:21,761
"But the coffee in Peru
is much hotter."
3
00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:26,569
Last week,
I finally became permanent
4
00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:28,444
manager of Dunder Mifflin,
Scranton!
5
00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:31,205
My first project,
increase security.
6
00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:32,805
I got these doors
from a jewelry store
7
00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:34,325
that had recently
gone out of business.
8
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:38,206
Now they're protecting
America's real treasure, papefl
9
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:41,409
Every morning, I e-mail
the day's security codes.
10
00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:43,204
Something that's
been really missing
11
00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:45,049
from my life has been
writing secret codes.
12
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:48,169
It's not the KGB,
but it's a start.
13
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,531
The tea in Nepal is very hot.
14
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:55,568
But the coffee in Peru
is far hotter.
15
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,085
Close.
16
00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:00,088
This is Tuesday, right?
17
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:02,561
The coffee in Paraguay
is far hotter?
18
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:03,880
Colder.
19
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,326
The coffee in Paraguay
is colder?
20
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,169
No, I meant you
were getting colder.
21
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:11,370
The correct response is, "The
coffee in Peru is much hotter."
22
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:12,885
Ah. "Much," okay.
23
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,247
But that's three wrongs, so
I've got to give you the steam.
24
00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:17,243
No. Unless you want
me to break protocol.
25
00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:25,760
No, no. Give me the steam.
26
00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:34,006
It's just harmless
steam to panic intruders.
27
00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:37,129
I'd like to get harmful steam,
but the prices are absurd.
28
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:42,961
Break protocol!
29
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,561
Oh, I'm saving
a fortune on dry-cleaning.
30
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:20,051
Mama.
31
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,486
Angela, someone wants you.
32
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:23,289
Okay. Coming.
33
00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:27,487
Hi, baby.
34
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:29,528
Angela's divorce
from the Senator
35
00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:31,563
has been very
difficult for her.
36
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,887
When she got kicked
out of her apartment,
37
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,162
I invited her to
move in with me.
38
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:39,722
Ironic that now it's Angela
who's living in the closet.
39
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,086
Hey-o!
40
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,884
Saddle shoes with denim?
41
00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:47,161
I will, literally, call
Child Protective Services.
42
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,126
Go get 'em, honey.
43
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,441
Don't worry.
They'll get got.
44
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,049
Manager of
Dunder Mifflin? Check.
45
00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:03,691
Owner of a 1,600
acre beet farm? Check.
46
00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:07,810
Engaged to be married to an
actual milk maid? Check...
47
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:10,724
...on that later today.
48
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,883
This is
my grandmother's ring.
49
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:17,441
It was made from a bullet I
took out of her left buttock.
50
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:20,046
She was a moonshiner
shot by Adolph Coors.
51
00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:23,249
This is my grandmother's
buttock bullet ring.
52
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,200
Hi. Good morning.
53
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,282
Name is Andrew Bernard.
54
00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:32,691
You might know me from a TV documentary
that's premiering tonight.
55
00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,127
Also killed it
in local theater
56
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:38,841
and I'm fresh off of
a hot industrial flick.
57
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,285
Okay. Thanks.
58
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:41,850
Go ahead and get in
the back of the line.
59
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,530
Yes!
60
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:52,086
Well, I burned all
my bridges at Dunder Mifflin,
61
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,401
and time to become
the next American Idol
62
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,927
by winning America's Next
A Cappella Sensation
63
00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,889
on Channel TBD!
64
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:02,130
It's a really cool show.
It's like a total
65
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:03,765
reinvention of
the whole American Idol,
66
00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:06,081
Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon.
67
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:08,970
On this show all
three judges are mean!
68
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,648
Sales form for
you to sign.
69
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,051
You know what to do.
70
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:28,886
Okay-
71
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,564
Behind every
great regional manager
72
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,284
is a great assistant
to the regional manager.
73
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:33,600
And I have chosen
one of the best.
74
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:34,966
Aw. Thanks, man.
75
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:36,565
Once upon a time,
we were natural enemies.
76
00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:38,284
But we've overcome
our differences,
77
00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,930
much like Germany and Italy,
in World War...
78
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:41,610
Nope.
79
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:42,806
Good call.
80
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,008
Together we run
a no-nonsense office.
81
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,728
Pre-conference room meeting
with Dwight went really well.
82
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,723
Oh! Bodes well for the
post-conference room meeting.
83
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,802
All depends on the conference
room meeting itself.
84
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,644
Okay-
85
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,006
Was that them again?
86
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:09,400
Yeah.
87
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:10,686
Maybe you should
call them back.
88
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:15,207
I will.
89
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,449
The guys at Athlead
are still bugging me
90
00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,483
about this
three-month road show thing.
91
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:23,325
Meeting athletes on their home
turf, building relationships.
92
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:27,405
Yeah, it sounds exciting. But
I said no, and that's final.
93
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:32,565
I almost lost Pam over this business.
I'm not risking that again.
94
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,084
When Jim decided
to come back to
95
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:36,850
Scranton full time,
I was relieved
96
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:40,083
but I also feel
a little guilty.
97
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:43,209
I mean, he's giving up
this big thing for me.
98
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:47,447
But he seems happy. He's certainly
been goofing around a lot.
99
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:50,283
I love goofy Jim.
100
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,362
Welcome.
He welcomes you.
101
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:53,726
Please
take an agenda item.
102
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,245
Your agenda-taking
pleases him.
103
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:56,725
Have a seat, Phyllis.
104
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:57,961
Here we go.
105
00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,044
As you know, I like to begin each
day with an inspirational quote.
106
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:05,523
Some say, the only failure there
is, is the failure to try.
107
00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:09,764
That is wrong.
Failure of any kind is failure.
108
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:10,887
Jim, over to you.
109
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,691
Let's not get crazy and ruin
our no-nonsense streak.
110
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:17,048
All right? So, for instance, if
you're expecting a fax today,
111
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:20,920
please don't yell out, "Michael J.
Fax, from Fax to the Future!"
112
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,570
Okay? That's nonsense.
113
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,529
Question. Yes, beautiful
girl in the front?
114
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:28,409
We are expecting a water
delivery today at 10:00 a.m.
115
00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,403
What if as they're
delivering the waterjugs
116
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,488
someone screams out,
"Nice jugs!"
117
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,244
That's obviously
nonsense.
118
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:35,401
Nonsense.
119
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:39,405
And what percentage of nonsense
do we tolerate in this office?
120
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,721
Zero percentage
of nonsense.
121
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:42,801
Can't have nonsense.
122
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:43,921
What is going on?
123
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,570
Daycare won't
take Phillip anymore.
124
00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:47,085
Why?
125
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:49,162
Apparently my station
in life has descended
126
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:51,368
to a depth even
they won't forgive.
127
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:53,090
So, hi.
128
00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:54,846
Hi, buddy.
129
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,730
Okay, new agenda item,
130
00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,121
Phillip will be joining us
at the office today.
131
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:01,326
Got to write that down.
132
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:05,047
Okay, big day today, airing of
the documentary. Who's excited?
133
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,362
I'd better come out of this
smelling like a rose.
134
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:11,284
I've been on my best
behavior for nine years.
135
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:14,967
If it wasn't for the cameras I
would've done some truly vulgar crap.
136
00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,765
Over the course of this documentary,
I've had three affairs.
137
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:19,729
If you find my body
in a ditch,
138
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,763
let me save
the police some trouble.
139
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:23,604
My wife did it.
140
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:26,968
I'm letting you all off half an
hour early to view the documentary.
141
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:28,485
So you can make it
up to me by working
142
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:30,090
an extra half
an hour tomorrow,
143
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,481
or a minute extra for
the rest of the month.
144
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,962
Ooh, announcement. Some of us
whose televisions got broken
145
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,168
during an all-you-can-eat-shrimp
commercial
146
00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:40,408
will be watching
tonight at Poor Richard's.
147
00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:42,887
But note, all are welcome,
148
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:46,248
not just those who saw an
all-you-can-eat-shrimp commercial
149
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:49,091
and charged
their televisions.
150
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:52,050
I can't believe the doc
is finally going to air.
151
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:55,966
When this thing started, I was
still having sex with women.
152
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,327
As was Kevin, I believe.
153
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,323
This airs tonight?
154
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:01,731
Oh, my God.
155
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:05,165
If my parents see this,
I am toast.
156
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:12,164
This is really huge.
157
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:14,163
This is like the March on
Washington but for a singing show.
158
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:17,010
Can you imagine if Martin
Luther King were here
159
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,287
and sang I Dreamed
a Dream from Les Miz?
160
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:22,045
With that baritone?
That would be historic.
161
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:24,851
Whoo-hoo! Casey Dean!
Cincinnati, Ohio!
162
00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,127
Doctor, Doctor
Give me the news
163
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:30,010
I got a great
Casey Dean for you
164
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:31,161
Whoa. No.
America!
165
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:34,841
No, this is my time. You don't belt
on my time, I belt on my time.
166
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:37,161
Casey Dean
167
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:41,285
Casey Dean
168
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,209
Man, those are some nice pipes.
Yeah.
169
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:47,611
What's your name?
170
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,485
What's yours?
171
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:56,121
Why didn't you
pack the apple snacks?
172
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:57,326
Guys.
173
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:58,601
Because whenever
I pack the bag
174
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:00,045
you say I do it wrong.
175
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:01,610
Guys. Guys.
Why don't you pack it?
176
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:02,841
Kevin, what?
Kevin, what is it?
177
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,287
Do you want to see
a video of a weatherman
178
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:08,489
who says "bold front"
instead of "cold front"?
179
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:09,891
Ifsinsane!
180
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,281
Not now, Kevin.
Can't you see we're busy?
181
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,249
Phillip needs
his apple snacks!
182
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:15,526
Seriously, Kevin.
183
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:16,806
I'm just going to
have to go to the store.
184
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,246
Okay,
you go to the store.
185
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:22,723
Phillip. Phillip. Phillip.
It's all about Phillip.
186
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,371
I hate Phillip.
187
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:29,410
Not now! Private time.
188
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,403
I love Star Wars as
much as the next guy...
189
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:33,482
Hey, hey! Seriously?
190
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:38,482
My God. I'm so sorry.
191
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,285
Well, this might
make up for it.
192
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:45,206
I think I have found an enormous
source of overlooked PFN.
193
00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:47,526
Which is, of course...
194
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:48,920
Potential Future Nonsense.
195
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,924
Yes. Good abbreviating, Jim.
That saved some time.
196
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,126
Now hurry up, shut the door!
197
00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:56,361
Break it down for me.
198
00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:58,681
I'm going to need you to look
at your hierarchy mobile.
199
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:00,727
You've got
a regional manager.
200
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:01,921
The power source.
201
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,287
Obviously. The assistant
to the regional manager.
202
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:05,885
The loyal but
bungling apostle.
203
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:10,005
But what about the assistant
assistant to the regional manager?
204
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:17,205
Someone to whisper in
the ear of the consigliere.
205
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:18,281
Exactly.
206
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:21,284
I'd have to get some
more wire and string.
207
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:22,600
But it's doable.
208
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:24,808
Do you think any of them
out there are capable?
209
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,006
Yeah, right.
210
00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:28,082
I mean, unless they're
willing to pass some tests.
211
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,128
I like the sound of that.
212
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:31,281
What did you have in mind?
213
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:32,845
Well,
I know this sounds crazy,
214
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,729
but how would
King Arthur choose
215
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:36,604
the next knight
of his Round Table?
216
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:41,564
That doesn't sound crazy, Jim. That's
the sanest thing I've ever heard.
217
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:45,091
What are you
listening to?
218
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:47,162
Hmm? I'm locking in
my starting note.
219
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,607
A 440
220
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:51,404
Oh, sweet. A cappella
is all about pitch,
221
00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:54,484
and I am nothing if
not a total pitch-bitch.
222
00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:57,561
What's up, everybody,
and welcome to
223
00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:00,161
America's Next
A Cappella Sensation.
224
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,402
Hi, Mark McGrath!
225
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:03,891
Oh, my God!
226
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,086
You're gorgeous!
227
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:06,281
Thank you.
Thank you so much,
228
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,522
and thank you for your patience.
And we hope to see you guys
229
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,284
within the next
five to seven hours.
230
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:13,011
Now, just to give you a couple
of parameters of the show,
231
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,890
each of you will sing
a song for 30 seconds,
232
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,088
after which our
judges will decide
233
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:20,362
if they want you in
their a cappella group.
234
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:22,841
Now each group will
start with 90 singers
235
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:26,322
which will compete in a series of
singing and physical challenges.
236
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:27,526
Oh!
237
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:29,364
And look out for
that pesky mole!
238
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,522
Ooh!
There's a mole?
239
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:34,206
Oops.
I'm not supposed to...
240
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,123
I'm not supposed to say that.
All right, no mole.
241
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,565
Forget I said it.
All right?
242
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:40,041
What mole? What are you talking about?
I already forgot about it.
243
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:41,201
Good man, right there.
244
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,487
I'll see you guys inside.
Good luck, all right?
245
00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:45,210
Yeah!
246
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,931
Pour some Sugar Ray on me!
247
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:49,885
On a roll much? I don't
know where that came from.
248
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,166
That was amazing, man.
Yeah.
249
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:52,605
Yeah, it felt good.
It felt funny.
250
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,444
Yeah, you made a personal
connection with him.
251
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:55,851
I did! I felt it.
Big time.
252
00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:58,606
What are you
so excited about?
253
00:11:58,680 --> 00:11:59,727
Nothing.
254
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:00,921
What are you up to?
255
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:06,769
Members of the office,
hear ye!
256
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,609
That means ye, Plop.
257
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:10,884
"Plop"? Still?
258
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,684
We owe Andy that much.
259
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,410
- Yeah.
- Absolutely we do.
260
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:15,891
Am I right, people?
261
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,161
Fine.
262
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:19,481
Today we will be
testing candidates
263
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:23,366
for the position of Assistant to the
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
264
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,090
Oh, heck yeah!
Nice.
265
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:26,969
You'll always
have the upper hand
266
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:31,125
when you've got a good AARM.
Trademark pending.
267
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,043
This is not
an excuse to blow off work
268
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:35,049
doing
carnival-like activities.
269
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:37,600
Sure, every participant
will be getting a corndog,
270
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,081
but that's for fueling only.
No savoring.
271
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,447
Wow, what an honor.
God, I envy them.
272
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,010
He envies you.
273
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:45,485
You don't need to
repeat right now.
274
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:46,681
All right.
What I'm saying.
275
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:49,331
By 2:00,
Dwight will choose himself
276
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:52,046
to be assistant to
his own assistant, me.
277
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:01,680
What's up?
278
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,080
What's going on?
How was the delivery?
279
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,844
Delivered all my
furniture to Philly.
280
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,400
Hey, keep it down though.
Nobody knows I'm here.
281
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,649
DARRYL". I hate goodbyes.
282
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,291
So last week, when I left
Dunder Mifflin for good,
283
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,044
I pulled the old Irish exit.
284
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,088
Just slipped out
without making a big deal.
285
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,050
No hard feelings.
No feelings at all.
286
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:24,251
A good assistant
knows what their superior
287
00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:26,203
is thinking before
they even think it.
288
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,248
Meredith, what number
am I thinking of right now?
289
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,368
Uh... Two?
290
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,966
Nine-hundred-eighty-five
trillion seventeen.
291
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,208
Not even close,
Meredith. Come on!
292
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:37,760
Pam, what song is running
through my head right now?
293
00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:39,888
Theme song from
Saved by the Bell.
294
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,167
Oh, my God! It was the theme
song to Boy Meets World.
295
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:43,287
Wait! No, no, no, stop.
296
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:44,805
Spouses can read
each other's minds.
297
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,410
You're trying to
give your wife this job.
298
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:48,565
That's exactly
what I was doing.
299
00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:51,247
Plop, what animal
am I picturing?
300
00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:52,407
A horse?
301
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,051
Ooh.
Exact opposite, actually.
302
00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:55,531
What's the opposite
of a horse?
303
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:56,601
A sea horse.
304
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:57,727
A sea horse!
305
00:13:58,440 --> 00:13:59,566
Whoa.
306
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,610
How did you know
I was going to say that?
307
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:03,410
Say that.
308
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:06,130
Uncanny.
Uncanny.
309
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,851
Challenge number two. Protocol.
Clark? Yeah.
310
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:12,490
Do you want a corndog?
311
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:13,641
I would love a corndog.
312
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,449
We'll see.
You are an assistant
313
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,329
who's just gotten
a phone message.
314
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,801
I am in a meeting with
Dwight, Robert Dunder
315
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,406
and his niece. Uh-oh!
Look who came to join us.
316
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:24,403
The Turkish Ambassador
to Armenia,
317
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:26,005
Yuri Slovak, who,
by the way, is extremely
318
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:27,645
embarrassed about
the size of his nose.
319
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,527
Go ahead and read
that phone message.
320
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,483
Mr. Halpert, your wife
called to find out how
321
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:34,563
your meeting with
Yuri Big Nose went.
322
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:37,928
No, no, no. You don't read
it aloud like that.
323
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,446
God! Besides, the whole
thing is a trick question.
324
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,807
There's no Turkish
Ambassador to Armenia,
325
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:45,884
the two countries don't
have diplomatic relations.
326
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:48,760
Uncanny.
327
00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:53,322
I just hope if my buddies who are
still in Afghanistan see me win,
328
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,368
they'll feel like
anything is possible.
329
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,171
Great, more screen time
for the war vet.
330
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,244
All you got to do is
risk your life for this
331
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,089
country and everyone
goes ga-ga for you.
332
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:03,241
Over at the porta potties,
333
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,051
they were interviewing a homeless
single mother with three kids.
334
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,088
What?
Yeah.
335
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:12,848
Is this a show about the
resiliency of the human spirit,
336
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:14,968
or is it a show
about singing?
337
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:16,724
I don't know, but I'm getting
really worried here.
338
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:17,926
Me, too.
339
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:20,561
Hold my place in line.
340
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,404
Where are you going?
341
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,490
They want feel-good stories?
342
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,604
Wait till they get
a good feel of me.
343
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:31,084
Thanks, man.
Thank you.
344
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:32,361
Man, take care.
345
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,121
Darryl! Hey!
346
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,531
Hey-
347
00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:37,290
Cool, are you
coming back to say hi?
348
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:39,761
No, no.
I'm not here, actually.
349
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:41,524
These donuts are
part of my escape
350
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,364
from the guys at the warehouse
I didn't say goodbye to.
351
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:45,683
A-ha! How's Athlead?
352
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:46,841
We're living like rock stars!
353
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:48,922
I'm about to eat
free steak with
354
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,042
my sports heroes in
32 different cities!
355
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:53,009
Wow! Jim really
doesn't want to come?
356
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,525
He says he doesn't want to.
357
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,163
Man,
I hope he doesn't regret it.
358
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:00,885
Well, he seems really happy being
back here at Dunder Mifflin.
359
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:04,123
Jim is happy here,
selling paper at Dunder Mifflin?
360
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,406
That's what he says.
361
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,127
If you say so.
362
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,611
Hey, good seeing you,
363
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:10,409
and remember,
I was never here.
364
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:12,890
All right, man.
365
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,769
An assistant brings their boss
coffee with speed and dexterity,
366
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:20,401
but an assistant to the assistant
has 1,000 times more to prove.
367
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,925
A thousand times more.
368
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,690
I'll try this one.
Phyllis.
369
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:25,524
Grab both these coffees,
double-fist it,
370
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,369
and head through
this obstacle course.
371
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:28,646
Okay. Ooh, it's hot.
372
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,040
Yeah, it's real.
373
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:33,010
It's the only way
you'll learn. Okay.
374
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,570
And go ahead.
375
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:38,962
Oh, God, nice.
376
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,883
She's through the green, everybody.
Here comes yellow.
377
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,530
Oh, no, no, no.
A real doozie.
378
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:43,681
Phyllis?
Seriously?
379
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:44,727
Careful.
380
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:45,847
Look at that form!
381
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:46,921
Oh, God,
this is pathetic.
382
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,889
The boss needs his coffee!
383
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:50,371
Wow.
384
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,284
Here you are, sir!
Here's your coffee.
385
00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:58,521
Ow! My skin!
386
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,011
Ow! Ow! Oh!
387
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,246
It burns! Ow!
388
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:05,285
Uncanny.
389
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:10,283
Darryl? Darryl!
390
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:15,285
Whoa! Oh, hey. Hey!
What's up, y'all?
391
00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:17,283
You left us
without saying goodbye!
392
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,808
Oh. My bad.
Goodbye, everybody.
393
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:21,881
Hey, no way!
394
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:22,927
That is totally uncool.
395
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,411
Are you kidding?
396
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:26,045
You broke our hearts!
397
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:27,167
Get upstairs.
398
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:28,207
I don't think I should.
399
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,203
Get upstairs, mister!
Yeah!
400
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:31,611
Right now!
401
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,284
Guess I'm going upstairs.
402
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:36,045
You know, Dwight, this whole
search for the assistant thing,
403
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:37,360
none of these
people are good enough.
404
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:38,566
I know.
405
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,246
What I'm about to say
makes no logical sense,
406
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,403
and yet it might be the most
logical thing I've ever said.
407
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,323
Jim, this is going to
come as no surprise,
408
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,249
but I know exactly
what you are going to say.
409
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:51,324
The only possible assistant
to my assistant...
410
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:52,606
ls...
411
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:53,960
...me.
412
00:17:54,880 --> 00:18:00,728
The new Assistant to the Assistant
to the Regional Manager is
413
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,244
Dwight K. Schrute!
Yes!
414
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:04,810
Yes.
415
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:06,924
Thank you.
416
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:08,724
I think you might
want to kneel for this.
417
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:12,407
And yet, the manager of Dunder
Mifflin kneels for no man.
418
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:17,760
That's it.
Okay.
419
00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:19,285
You look really,
really good.
420
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:33,249
Okay, from now on, anyone
who needs to speak to me,
421
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,051
has got to go through
me first. All right?
422
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:43,207
Hey!
423
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,963
Hey.
You all right?
424
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:49,730
What's going on?
425
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:51,840
Are you happy?
426
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:53,649
Yes, I'm happy-
427
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:56,485
No, I know that you're,
Hke, happy
428
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:57,800
and you had fun today.
Yeah.
429
00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:00,770
And that was fun. But what
about a year from now?
430
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:02,803
What? What about
five years from now?
431
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:03,927
Pam...
432
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:05,161
Because I'm so glad
you're back, baby,
433
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:08,084
but I'm just...
I was talking to Darryl,
434
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,401
and he was
talking about the trip,
435
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,761
and I just feel like
you're giving up so much.
436
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,486
This was my decision,
not yours.
437
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:16,846
You didn't force me.
438
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,001
I kind of forced
you to do it.
439
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:19,161
You did not
force me to do this.
440
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:20,844
Yes, I did. I don't know
how else to tell you.
441
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,160
I'm afraid you're
going to resent me.
442
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:23,969
I'm afraid that this is not
enough for you. Resent you?
443
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:26,725
And I'm afraid that
I'm not enough for you.
444
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:28,806
Is that really
what you think?
445
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:36,803
Notenough? I don't know how
else to explain it to her, so,
446
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:40,287
you know what? I know
it's against the rules,
447
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,568
but I'm going to need
a favor from you guys.
448
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,529
Okay. You got it, man.
449
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,961
I didn't realize
we were this close.
450
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:55,850
We're all a little hormonal
with the doc airing.
451
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:58,446
Are you gonna come to Poor Richard's
and watch with us tonight?
452
00:19:58,520 --> 00:19:59,965
Uh...
453
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,402
Yeah, depending on traffic.
454
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:03,811
He ain't coming.
455
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,285
Oh, God!
456
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:09,764
These dudes are
definitely in a weird mood.
457
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:12,366
Picked the wrong day
to return a truck.
458
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,130
Well, it's been great.
459
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,965
Eleven years. A guy is in
your life for 11 years
460
00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:18,644
and then he's gone
for who knows how long.
461
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,210
Maybe forever.
462
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,367
Anyhow...
463
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:22,407
Did we ever have
lunch together,
464
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,881
just the two of us?
465
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,769
You know what?
I'm going to make
466
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:28,723
reservations
right now at Cugino's.
467
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:29,926
Question for Darryl.
468
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,566
Did we ever get loaded and
listen to Zeppelin in my van?
469
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,808
Oh. Oh, I'm sure we did.
470
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:37,685
Nah, I call one hour
van time with Darryl.
471
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:40,525
Darryl, I would love to just
record some of your stories,
472
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,807
just let the tape
roll for six or eight
473
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,082
or 10 hours and
just see what we get.
474
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,924
Listen, guys,
we can do it all.
475
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,525
We just have to
divide Darryl's
476
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:50,205
next 12 hours into
90-minute segments.
477
00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:53,011
I will go watch an e-How
video on how to use Excel,
478
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:54,491
and then we'll
get this started.
479
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:55,965
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute!
480
00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:01,050
Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking
out of here, and that's on me.
481
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:04,329
But I'm not going to spend
the rest of the day here
482
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,051
doing stuff with you 'cause
you're feeling sentimental.
483
00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:08,764
You have to!
484
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:12,367
Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'll do
one thing with y'all.
485
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:13,726
Which thing?
486
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:16,007
I don't care. Choose amongst yourselves.
Not the van, though.
487
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:20,930
Yeah, sleep time?
488
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,610
Kevin. Kevin!
489
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,489
Oh, you know my name.
490
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:27,449
Well, that is shocking.
491
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:30,442
Kevin, could you
not do that?
492
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:34,650
What? I'm moving the ink
down in my pen, for work.
493
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:36,440
Here, use my pen.
494
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,847
Don't tell me what to do!
495
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:42,242
I don't need this. And you
obviously don't need me.
496
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:44,169
Kevin, where are you going?
Away!
497
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:49,562
Tell Phillip that his stupid
little baby wish came true!
498
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:54,251
He just won't go down.
499
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,561
It's as if he's
excited by all this paper.
500
00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:01,328
I know. Earlier today he tried to eat
some of the 24-weight letter bond.
501
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:02,925
Smart baby.
502
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,128
That's the most
flavorful bond.
503
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:13,969
Hey,
what's going on over here?
504
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:16,611
Some sort of singing
competition for the young'uns?
505
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:17,841
You're back!
506
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,166
No, it's me, Andy!
507
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:20,526
No, I know!
508
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:21,926
No, I'm wearing makeup!
509
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:23,684
You did a really great job.
510
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:24,966
Thank you.
You even look shorter.
511
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:27,884
Oh, I took out my lifts.
Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard,
512
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,564
this character
is my real height.
513
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:31,006
Oh.
514
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:34,567
All day long it's moo the
cows and cluck the hens.
515
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:37,763
Mmm-hmm. Get the sheep baa-ed.
Oink the pigs.
516
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,047
Oink the pigs.
That is very important.
517
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:42,361
Dwight, I'm telling
you all the things Ma
518
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,687
said after the horse
kicked her in the head.
519
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:46,211
Where are you?
520
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:48,886
Dwight?
521
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,122
The way that boy
looks at the Galactica,
522
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,487
is precisely the way
I look at the Galactica.
523
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,807
And he eats the same
kind of paper I do.
524
00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:59,086
Hmm.
525
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:08,609
Thank you, Esther.
Bye.
526
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,441
You threw the summoning
bag at me, sir?
527
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:23,443
I need you to perform a test.
528
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:25,045
Perform a test.
529
00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:26,360
On an innocent baby.
530
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:28,642
Ooh. I like
where this is going.
531
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,410
Unfortunately, I have
a lot on my plate today,
532
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:32,369
so I'm going to have to hand
this off to my number two.
533
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:33,680
But don't worry.
534
00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:35,644
He's the best in the biz.
535
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:37,286
Damn straight.
536
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:38,640
Unless you think
he can't handle it.
537
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,165
Hey, he can handle it.
538
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:41,601
All right.
539
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:48,967
Listen, listen.
Shh, buddy.
540
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:51,210
Stanley is sleeping.
You don't want to
541
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:52,765
wake up the grumpy
old walrus, do you?
542
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:54,604
I heard that.
543
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,011
Mama.
544
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,443
Hey, you want me to take
the little diaper blaster?
545
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:00,682
Pam can attest,
there's no one better
546
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:03,002
at getting brats
to shut their yaps.
547
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,366
He does have a gift.
548
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:08,968
Well, he's crying for his mom, but,
okay, here you go. Careful, he bites.
549
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:10,485
Mama.
Okay.
550
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:16,246
You ever been in
a manager's office before?
551
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:19,044
Phillip, you want to
play a little game?
552
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:21,043
It's called
Schrute or Consequences?
553
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:23,248
You're going to choose
one of these two things,
554
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:26,091
a check for a million dollars
555
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:30,162
or this dirty, old beet.
556
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:32,569
Yuck! Phew!
557
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:34,201
Which will it be,
558
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,729
money or the beet?
559
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,446
Beet.
560
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:42,367
Yeah.
561
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:45,803
Any ordinary child
would have taken the money,
562
00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:49,163
but you're no ordinary
child, are you? No.
563
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:53,564
I can tell by your gorgeous,
widely set eyes.
564
00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:58,809
Sorry, folks. The judges
are totally swamped.
565
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:00,763
We are all done
taking auditions.
566
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:03,681
Whoa, whoa! What?
567
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:06,001
But thanks for coming out,
and please be sure to watch
568
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:07,684
America's Next
A Cappella Sensation.
569
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:09,444
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You can't do that.
570
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:11,164
You can't do that.
We've all been waiting!
571
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:12,884
Okay.
lam going in there.
572
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:14,086
No.
573
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:15,361
Don't... Don't touch me!
574
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:16,601
I'm not touching you.
575
00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:20,801
Look! Run, old man! Run!
576
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:23,486
Run! Run for your life!
577
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,364
Don't you dare.
Don't get...
578
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,488
I just thought you were going
to get handsy with me.
579
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,370
Not interested.
I'm Casey Dean.
580
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:31,885
Be seeing the last of me.
581
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,804
Or I meant you won't be
seeing the last of me.
582
00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:38,881
Hey!
583
00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:40,325
Did you manage
to feed him?
584
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,801
I don't know what it is, he just
keeps spitting out the nipple.
585
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,486
That's because this baby
is of superior intelligence
586
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:47,324
and can tell when
he is being tricked
587
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:49,289
out of the experience
of a real human breast.
588
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:50,640
Come on.
589
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:52,000
He's not that smart.
590
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,651
He doesn't know
where I hid his duck.
591
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:16,645
You're still here!
Oh, thank God.
592
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:18,728
Clay Aiken, Santigold
and Aaron Rodgers!
593
00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:20,808
You're like my three
favorite people ever!
594
00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:22,769
Excuse me, what is this?
595
00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:24,251
Sweetheart,
you're amazing, okay?
596
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:25,924
You're obviously
going to be on the show.
597
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,968
So, it's someone
else's turn now.
598
00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:29,405
Go ahead. All right?
599
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:32,120
Um...
600
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,771
My name is Ezra Cornell!
601
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:38,765
And I'm just a kindly old
fellow with a song in my heart.
602
00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:42,322
No, you're a middle-aged man
with a lot of makeup on.
603
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,164
Busted.
604
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:47,449
Got it. Yes, all right, tried to
get your attention with tricks,
605
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:50,126
but you just want to hear me sing.
I respect that.
606
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,044
We do not
want to hear you sing.
607
00:26:53,120 --> 00:26:54,963
Gabriella was
our last audition.
608
00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:56,121
Thank you, goodbye.
609
00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,123
Nope! Can't end like this.
610
00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:02,046
Slept in my car last night, quit
my job, burned all my bridges!
611
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:03,804
I went to the bathroom
on my boss's car,
612
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:06,804
and I did unspeakable
things with Carla Fern.
613
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:08,120
Flag on the play.
614
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:12,125
That's what... Yeah. Okay, all right.
Well, here's the song.
615
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:25,846
What is this song?
616
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:27,246
Are you insane?
617
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:29,004
It's the Cornell Fight Song!
618
00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:31,811
Listen, all right, thank you very much.
We're not interested.
619
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:33,570
You didn't let me finish!
That's not fair!
620
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,324
Look, man, you're
not terrible, but we've
621
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,124
heard a lot of
really good singers today,
622
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:38,406
and you're just
not good enough.
623
00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,211
Wow, you guys
are really mean.
624
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:42,930
I guess that's the show.
625
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,331
Let me try
a different song, okay?
626
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:45,481
Can he do this?
627
00:27:57,920 --> 00:27:59,081
Yeah.
628
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:04,762
Look, you've got to go.
629
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:11,450
You can't just
sit here and cry.
630
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:14,285
I can so just
sit here and cry!
631
00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:29,805
Thank you.
632
00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:34,243
Hey, Kev. How are
you doing, buddy?
633
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:35,765
I can't hear you.
634
00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:38,605
I'm giving you
the silence treatment.
635
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:41,482
How does it
feel being ignored?
636
00:28:43,040 --> 00:28:46,044
Okay, I guess. It's just that
Phillip got you something.
637
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:49,687
Yeah, a $25
gift card, iTunes.
638
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:51,410
I think there's,
like, $7 left.
639
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:54,008
It's just his way
of saying, "Thanks
640
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:56,083
for letting me hang
out in Accounting."
641
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:57,366
Phillip got this for me?
642
00:28:57,480 --> 00:28:58,720
Sure.
643
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:01,691
That was a really cool move.
644
00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:04,125
Would you like
to hold Phillip?
645
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:08,448
Yeah, that's Kevin.
646
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:09,851
Hi.
647
00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:11,200
- Whoa.
- Easy.
648
00:29:11,280 --> 00:29:12,805
What a chubbers.
649
00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:16,171
Whoa...
Okay, hey.
650
00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:17,725
I'm losing my balance.
651
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:19,723
Okay, Kevin, no.
No. No horseplay.
652
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:20,847
Stop it.
653
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:21,961
You want to play
with the cactus?
654
00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:23,485
No!
No!
655
00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:25,722
So me and Phillip
were just talking,
656
00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:29,771
and we decided we're going
to be best friends.
657
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:32,847
He's a little
stand-offish at first.
658
00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:35,082
But once he starts
buying you things,
659
00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:37,362
man,
you can tell he likes you.
660
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:43,120
We have our decision.
661
00:29:44,160 --> 00:29:45,650
You chose one thing.
662
00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:48,130
We want to
dance with you.
663
00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:50,206
You want to dance?
664
00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:52,442
One dance,
all of us together.
665
00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:55,640
This is what you want?
666
00:29:55,720 --> 00:29:57,210
Yeah.
Absolutely.
667
00:29:59,440 --> 00:30:02,205
Better get some decent
speakers up here then,
668
00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:03,526
'cause we're going
to do this right.
669
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:06,365
Yes!
670
00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:11,609
Hey, you wanted to see me?
671
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:12,761
Door. Chair.
672
00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:16,840
It's about Phillip.
673
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:18,405
I'm sorry he's here today,
but I had this...
674
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:20,010
lbeheve
675
00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:22,606
that that boy
may be a Schrute,
676
00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:24,409
and if he is,
677
00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:27,643
that child needs to be
accorded what is his,
678
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:30,445
an enormous farm,
an inheritance,
679
00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:34,081
and the right to be raised under
rigorous Schrute traditions.
680
00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:39,490
You will, of course, be compensated
with a marriage proposal.
681
00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:43,810
How thoughtful.
682
00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:46,281
Then the two of you would
move to my 1,600 acre estate,
683
00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:48,044
which let's face it,
is a big step up
684
00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:49,929
from living in
a gay man's closet.
685
00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:53,321
If he is your son
686
00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:56,171
that's a great plan.
687
00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:01,127
But he's not.
He's not your son.
688
00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:04,686
Very well.
689
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:07,485
Can I go back to my desk now?
690
00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:08,806
Yes.
691
00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:22,131
What's this?
692
00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:24,851
Well, I've been trying
to tell you how I feel,
693
00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:27,645
and you wouldn't
believe me, so,
694
00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:30,640
I needed a little help.
695
00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:34,729
Jim. I need my Assistant to the
Regional Manager. Code red.
696
00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:37,451
Okay, I don't have my pocket code
chart on me right now, so...
697
00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:39,325
Now!
698
00:31:40,560 --> 00:31:43,166
I have an assistant now, who can
help you with whatever you need.
699
00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:44,924
He is lazy,
so crack the whip.
700
00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:47,810
Jim, I'm not kidding,
I need you.
701
00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:53,765
Go ahead.
702
00:31:53,840 --> 00:31:55,046
Okay. Um...
703
00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:57,770
This is...
704
00:31:57,840 --> 00:31:59,569
I'll be right back.
705
00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:05,440
What have we got?
706
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:08,091
I was thinking of
proposing to Esther today.
707
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:10,447
Wow! Okay, congratulations.
708
00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:11,681
That's a really big step, man.
709
00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:12,961
She's got a ton
of great qualities.
710
00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:16,681
She's young, she's beautiful, genes
so pure you could lick them.
711
00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:20,286
Her family admires me,
and my family tolerates hers.
712
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:22,886
A lot of them are the same people,
because we're third cousins,
713
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:25,765
which is great for bloodlines,
and isn't technically incest.
714
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:28,167
Right in the sweet spot. I think
you're going to be really happy.
715
00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:30,971
Plus, her dowry
contains a walk-in freezer
716
00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:33,811
full of frozen
premium cattle sperm.
717
00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:35,530
That's a lot of pros.
718
00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:36,841
And did I mention
that she weaves?
719
00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:39,651
Colorful, durable blankets and rugs!
It all adds up.
720
00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:41,722
So what is the problem?
721
00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:47,604
Angela.
722
00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:15,401
I don't know what you want
me to tell you, man.
723
00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:19,762
All I know is
724
00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:22,929
that every time I've been
faced with a tough decision,
725
00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:28,209
there's only one thing that
outweighs every other concern,
726
00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:30,760
one thing that will
make you give up on
727
00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:33,400
everything you
thought you knew.
728
00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:39,010
Every instinct,
every rational calculation.
729
00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:40,963
Some sort of virus?
730
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:42,923
Love.
731
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:44,886
Oh.
732
00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:46,211
I'm in love with you.
733
00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:47,841
What?
734
00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:06,081
Dwight, listen,
no matter what happens...
735
00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:10,403
...you've got to forget
about all the other stuff.
736
00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:15,486
You've got to forget about
logic and fear and doubt.
737
00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:18,086
You've just got to
do everything you can
738
00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:22,248
to get to the one woman who's
going to make all this worth it.
739
00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:24,004
At the end of the day,
740
00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:26,765
you've got to jump.
741
00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:32,290
You love Angela, Dwight.
742
00:35:35,120 --> 00:35:36,406
I think you always have.
743
00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:43,408
You're a good assistant, Jim.
744
00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:45,403
Not as good as you.
745
00:35:46,680 --> 00:35:48,330
That's very true.
746
00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:51,167
Get the hell out of here.
747
00:35:51,240 --> 00:35:52,366
You got it.
748
00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:56,443
I was just
checking out my present.
749
00:35:57,560 --> 00:36:01,531
This is an amazing gift, because
it comes with bonus gifts.
750
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:03,170
Look inside.
751
00:36:08,240 --> 00:36:12,768
Oh, my God!
The yearbook picture.
752
00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:14,330
Yes.
Incredible.
753
00:36:14,440 --> 00:36:15,805
Is this the bottle timer?
754
00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:17,843
I didn't think you were going to
get that one. I really didn't.
755
00:36:17,920 --> 00:36:20,127
Oh, no! This is like
the best present ever.
756
00:36:20,240 --> 00:36:21,924
Well...
Okay, wait.
757
00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:23,365
What is this?
758
00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:25,647
The mini-golf pencil
you threw at me.
759
00:36:25,720 --> 00:36:28,883
Like three years ago?
You saved this?
760
00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:32,567
Oh, my God.
761
00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:40,929
You watched it.
762
00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:42,604
Yeah.
763
00:36:42,720 --> 00:36:45,371
Well, then I guess
you're ready for this.
764
00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:48,326
What's that?
765
00:36:48,440 --> 00:36:49,771
It's from the teapot.
766
00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:55,521
Everything you'll ever need
to know is in that note.
767
00:37:11,600 --> 00:37:13,568
Not enough for me?
768
00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:16,644
You are everything.
769
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:25,090
Thank you.
770
00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:30,084
Okay, ready, everybody?
771
00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:31,207
Hit it, Red!
772
00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:50,491
I wanted
to leave quietly.
773
00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:52,324
It seemed dignified.
774
00:38:52,400 --> 00:38:54,448
But having Kevin
grind up on my front
775
00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:56,682
while Erin pretends
to hump me from behind
776
00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:59,730
is a more accurate
tribute to my years here.
777
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:02,565
I'm going to miss these guys.
778
00:39:03,240 --> 00:39:04,526
Okay, I've got mY...
779
00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:06,409
See you guys at Poor Richard's, okay?
All right, Meredith.
780
00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:07,481
All right.
Okay, bye.
781
00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:08,607
See you there.
Bye, Phillip.
782
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:10,284
Listen, I...
High five!
783
00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:12,930
Yeah.
Yay!
784
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:15,082
I am going to drop
Phillip off at my mother's,
785
00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:16,889
and I'll meet you at
Poor Richard's in an hour.
786
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:18,684
You sure you don't
want me to drop him off?
787
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:20,808
She doesn't know I'm living
with a straight woman.
788
00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:22,046
I don't want to
get her hopes up.
789
00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:23,326
All right.
Okay?
790
00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:25,243
Bye, buddy! Bye, bye.
791
00:39:25,320 --> 00:39:27,129
Oh, my goodness!
792
00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:35,645
Pull over!
793
00:39:35,720 --> 00:39:37,085
Dwight!
794
00:39:37,160 --> 00:39:39,208
Move to the side
of the road!
795
00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:40,486
Why?
796
00:39:40,640 --> 00:39:41,801
Pull over!
797
00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:44,161
What are you... Dwight!
798
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:49,964
Dwight! What the
is your problem?
799
00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:52,008
Silence, woman! Listen to me!
Who drives like that?
800
00:39:52,080 --> 00:39:53,047
I love you.
801
00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:55,731
And I don't care that
Phillip is not my son!
802
00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:57,962
I will raise 100 children
803
00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:01,084
with 100 of your lovers
if it means I can be with you!
804
00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:04,091
Can you put that down?
805
00:40:04,160 --> 00:40:07,289
This expresses
how loudly I love you!
806
00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:08,521
lfstooloud.
807
00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:16,809
This is a ring
808
00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:19,360
taken from the buttocks
of my grandmother,
809
00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:23,331
put there by the gangster
patriarch of the Coors dynasty,
810
00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:26,125
melted in a foundry
run by Mennonites.
811
00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:28,362
Okay. Yes. I will!
812
00:40:32,920 --> 00:40:35,526
I love you!
813
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:38,487
And I lied to you.
814
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:39,681
What?
815
00:40:40,160 --> 00:40:41,605
Phillip's your son.
816
00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:43,170
What? Why would
you say that...
817
00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:45,607
I just needed you
to want to marry me
818
00:40:45,720 --> 00:40:48,121
because you
wanted to marry me.
819
00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:51,928
Get out!
820
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:53,843
I'm a dad!
You're a dad!
821
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:02,605
Hey, grab a seat.
822
00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:05,331
We have that table and that
table, but not that table,
823
00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:07,204
or that table,
or that table.
824
00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:10,409
Floor's up for grabs. Meredith's
been hogging the can.
825
00:41:12,240 --> 00:41:13,526
Oh!
826
00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:17,730
You have to change
the channel to PBS.
827
00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:19,290
Yeah.
College baseball's on.
828
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:20,486
Well, there's
a documentary coming up.
829
00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:21,761
Everyone in
the bar will love it!
830
00:41:21,840 --> 00:41:23,046
What's it about?
831
00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:24,366
A paper company.
Oh, ho, ho!
832
00:41:25,520 --> 00:41:26,646
How many people
want the game?
833
00:41:26,720 --> 00:41:28,085
Yeah!
834
00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:30,281
Who wants PBS?
835
00:41:32,760 --> 00:41:35,240
Sorry. Tie means
I do nothing.
836
00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:36,526
Sir, please!
837
00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:39,685
This show is about
me and my attempts
838
00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:42,610
to find love in
all the wrong places.
839
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:45,251
One more for the doc!
840
00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:49,560
All right, Andy!
841
00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:51,244
All right.
Yes.
842
00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:53,811
Hey, how was
the singing show audition?
843
00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:55,086
Oh...
844
00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:57,682
Whatever. No big deal.
845
00:41:58,600 --> 00:42:01,126
Okay, 30 seconds
to show time!
846
00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:06,251
I feel scared a little.
I'm not ready for this!
847
00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:08,641
No one is ready for this!
You can't be ready for this!
848
00:42:08,720 --> 00:42:10,131
We don't even
know what this is!
849
00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:14,000
One thing we do know. Nothing
will ever be the same.
850
00:42:14,080 --> 00:42:15,969
Here we go.
851
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:21,689
All right, Jim,
your quarterlies look very good.
852
00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:23,205
How are things
going at the library?
853
00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:25,123
Oh, I told you.
I couldn't close it, so...
854
00:42:25,200 --> 00:42:28,727
So you've come to
the master for guidance?
855
00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:30,609
Is this what you're saying,
Grasshopper?
856
00:42:30,680 --> 00:42:32,887
Actually you
called me in here.
857
00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:35,406
All right, well, let me
show you how it's done.
61843
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