All language subtitles for The.Office.US.S07E02.Counseling.720p.BrRip.2CH.x265.HEVC-PSA

Wow! Late every day
this week.

We signed Cece up
for this daycare,

and it's on
the other side
of town.

The traffic...
Why didn't I
think of this before?

Did you know
that there is
a daycare center

opening right here
in this building?

Is there really?

Now that I own the building,
I'm looking for new
sources of revenue.

And a daycare center?

Well, I guess it's
not an evil idea.

It's just a regular idea,
but there's no good
laugh for a regular idea.

Welcome to the
Sesame Avenue
Daycare Center

for infants
and toddlers.

You remember
my cousin Mose?

Welcome, children.

Were you painting
in the dark?

Wait, is this your
place, Dwight?

DWIGHT: No, no,
I like to think of it
as the kids' place.

Would you like a tour?

I don't think we
really need it...

Ooh, let's take
the tour, Pam.

Yeah.
Come on.

Here is the language
skills and cognitive
development area.

These are
English letters.

I see you found
our magical
toy box, Jim.

These are actually
forks and knives
from the break room.

Jim, to you and me,
maybe. But, come on.

To a child's imagination,
that's Mr. Fork,

and Lieutenant Knife
and Miss Fork.

And a soy sauce packet.

That shouldn't
have been in there.
I'm embarrassed.

Don't beat yourself up.

We come fully equipped
with a restroom,

feeding trough,
play bucket,

and room for a plant,
in success.

Who will be watching
the children?

No one. The door
locks from the outside.
Escape is impossible.

Prove it.

What... No.
We're gonna
head outside.

Just give it a whirl.
I just wanna see
how it works.

No, no, no, I...
But I'll tell you this.

If this works out,
I think we're
looking real good.

I promise you,
that door locks.

What's something you did...
This is the worst!
This is the worst!

You are the worst.
I hate looking
at your face.

I wanna smash it!

MICHAEL: Okay,
you know what?
I made a mistake.

I committed
corporate punishment.

My bad.

It's over, it's done.

But, my punishment
is worse than hell.

Michael's been
assigned six hours
of mandatory counseling

with a trained professional.

I actually have
a degree in social work.

I mean, I know a lot
of people would just ask
a few standard questions

and tick off
a few boxes,

but I've got a chance
to do some good here.

I know what
you wanna ask me.

"Did your mom ever
see you naked?"

We can do this
with more privacy.

So you can molest me?

Okay. I don't think so.

We're gonna leave
the blinds open,

so everybody
can see what a big
failure you are.

That's the key.

Boycott the Steamtown Mall!

Everyone, you heard me.

Cancel all your businesses
with the Steamtown Mall!

The mall itself,
or the stores
in the mall?

All of it! The mall,
the stores, the kiosks.

America's one big mall.

Did something
happen, Dwight?

Yeah, something happened.
Oh, yeah.

Something happened, Jim.

Well, tell us what it is.

I mean, it'll help
to get some context
so we can get on board.

You don't wanna know.

I'd like you to imagine
a place where you
feel very peaceful.

For me, it's the walk
from the yogurt shop
to my car,

after I drop my daughter off
on Sunday afternoons.

I'm glad
Michael's getting help.

He has a lot of issues
and he's stupid.

Look, I'm not gonna
tell you that we
have lower prices.

Is price something
that is important to you?

Okay, well,
let me know if
anything changes.

Pam?

I can't do this.

I don't have this sales
gene or whatever it is.

Tell me everything's
gonna be okay.

Everything's gonna
be okay.

Tell me
I'm good at sales.

You're good...
You're good at sales.

The unfair thing
about working in sales

is that your salary is
almost all commission.

So if you suck
at sales, you make
almost no money.

I guess that's fair.

Dwight.

What?

Did you call all my
clients at the mall

and cancel all my business
while using the "F" word?

Yes, I did.

And I'm gonna
do the same with
all of your clients.

No, you will not.

Oh, yes, I will.
That mall is corrupt.

Okay, they're appearancist!

Okay, Dwight,
we can't do that.

So why don't you
just tell us
what happened?

Yeah. What happened,
Dwight?

JIM: Okay?

You guys know me.
You know that I'm not
one for fancy things.

But there was
this one thing.

It was in a fancy store,
and it caught
the corner of my eye

when I took Mose
down to the mall

to get his blood
pressure at the Rite Aid.

And I thought, "You know,
maybe I deserve this."

You know,
I've had a great
crop yield this fall.

So what happened?

I went to the store
and I pressed the buzzer,

and they looked right at me,
and then they looked away.

And then I pressed
the buzzer again,

and they started
taking pictures of me
with their mobile phones.

I guess I'm not
the kind of guy

that's good enough
for precious heirlooms.

You know what, Dwight?
You need to go back there,

and you need to
Pretty Woman
their asses.

We should start
our own mall.
Yeah!

Wait, wait, wait.
Actually, that's
a really good idea, Kelly.

What did I say?

I talk a lot,
so I've learned to
just tune myself out.

Dwight,
how about this?

Instead of a boycott,

you and I, together,
go down to that store

and we teach those
snobs a lesson.

No, you and I, and I.

I'm gonna
come with you.
Okay.

Good. All right.

Did you assume
that I would
automatically side

with the rich,
snobby shop owner?

How about now?

How about now?

How about now?

How about now?

What's your
favorite flavor of...

One hour.
What?

One hour.
We've done one hour.

Let's just speed this up.

Okay, keep it moving.
I wanna do all
six hours today.

Look, I can't
count the hour
if you don't talk.

No, no, no. No.

I know my rights,
all I had to do is
sit here for six hours.

Do my time.

Michael, it's up to me
to check off the boxes,

and I can't do that
unless I honestly...
Do you know how...

Do you have
any idea how angry
that is making me?

Tell me.

I think we might be
about to maybe really
get somewhere.

Yes, I will.
I will talk all right.

Be careful what
you wish for, Toby.

Apparently, there's
a famous Hollywood movie

from the 1980s,
Beautiful Girl.

Pretty Woman.

Pretty Woman.
Apparently, it's one of the

best revenge stories
of all time,

in which this sex worker,
who is the protagonist...

That can't be right.
Andy, how does it...
JIM: No, no, no.

What?
I wanna hear you tell it.

Okay.

The sex worker
is denied service
at a fancy store

because she does
not look wealthy.

She later returns,
dressed in all
the trappings

of extravagant wealth,

but instead
of shopping...

Julia Roberts
goes in the store,

she's like,
"I was in here yesterday,

"and you people
wouldn't help me."

And the shop girl
goes, "Oh."

And then Julia Roberts goes,
"You girls work on commission,
right?"

And the girl's
like, "Yeah."

And Julia Roberts goes...

"Big mistake. Huge."

I was telling...
I was telling that.

...paper supplies
and ink cartridges
to go with that?

Okay, sure.

Who can I speak
to in this office

about saving on
window treatments?

I don't know.

Is one of you
the office
administrator?

I am.

I'm the office
administrator!

Can I show you
a few samples?

We're not interested.
We're not interested
at all.

There are a few ways
to get promoted.

One is to wait
for an opening
and apply for it.

That's the main way.

But this could work.

Toby, can I really
tell you anything?

Of course.

Well, the other night,
I was sitting
at the table,

eating my penis...

I mean peas.

That was weird.

Ah, that's weird.

I think it all
stems from the fact
that I was...

I was probed.

By an alien life force.
An ALF.

ALF.

You know, I might
have actually been
probed by ALF.

You might think
he's a puppet.

You never see the lower half,
but there's a lower half.

Office administrator.

So when did
this happen?

A few months ago.

I was talking to
someone at corporate,

who isn't there anymore.
Mmm-hmm.

And I think
the paperwork just got
lost in the shuffle.

Can you believe that?
Typical.

Yeah, totally.
Well, congrats.

Thanks, yeah.
So, I'm just gonna take care
of stuff around the office

and get paid
a reasonable salary.
We need that, right?

Totally. That's great.

I get paid
$40,000 a year.

Great.

Maybe $50,000.
$50,000?

No, not $50,000.

$41,000, I think.

$41,000.

$41,500.

That's great.

Before me
stands your coworker,
Dwight Kurt Schrute.

Dwight, show them
all sides. Turn around.

Now, today we need
your help turning Dwight
into a gentleman.

A gentleman,
who is a rich snob,

who will go into
shopping malls

and drop huge
amounts of cash
on clothes.

Is he still
doing this boycott?

No, no, this is
instead of the
boycott. Yeah.

Your shirt and tie
are disgusto-barfo.

Agreed.
Really?

OSCAR: Maybe something
not so monochromatic.

Not so matching.

Wait, less matching
to appear more rich?

The glasses
are a little...

I liked them.

I thought they
were kind of cute.

Yeah, I liked
them, too.

I can't see.

Say stuff like,
"Good morning,
good afternoon."

People appreciate that.

Wait, I see you every day.
Can I say, "Good month?"

I'm telling you
how to do this, man.

If someone offers
you a cocktail,

accept, but keep
your wits about you.

Okay.
"Please" and "thank
you" go a long way.

Copy. Thank you.

Thank you.

Please.

And I was raised
by wolves.

I was 25 years old
before I saw my
first human being.

Wait, is it
a full moon tonight?

Come on, Michael.
These are all fake stories.

Yes, yes, they are
all fake stories.

What sort of twisted mind
would come up with
weird stories like that?

Three hours,
we're halfway done.

Hey, do you
have a second?
Yeah.

Well, as I'm sure you know
for the past few months,

I've been
the office administrator,

since right before
you guys took over.

Right, of course.

And I haven't
gotten paid yet.

I'm not blaming you.

I just think
somebody lost
the paperwork.

Oh, boy.

Can you get every
department head's
signature on this

so I can back
this up to corporate?

Yes, absolutely,
right away.

You know what, Michael?
You're right. You win.

This is pointless.
We're not getting anywhere.

I got a bunch of fun stuff,
in case my daughter
ever comes over.

Why don't we just
run out the clock

by playing games,
drawing some pictures,
talking?

We present to you,
for your final comments
and approval,

Dwight K. Schrute.

Go get them, Dwight.

Wish us luck.

Thank you.
Dwight.

All done.

Disposable cameras
are fun, although
it does seem wasteful

and you don't ever get
to see your pictures.

If it's an important event
that you want to remember,

I recommend
using a real camera.

But I don't care
if I forget today.

We could play something
more complicated
if you'd like.

This is plenty
complicated.

So you've played
it before?

I played it once
or twice with Jeff.

Who's Jeff?

Jeff was my
mother's boyfriend,

who she married.

So, her husband
and your stepdad.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess
I never thought of
it that way, though.

Did you guys do
much stuff together?

Yeah, you know what,
he took me to a baseball
game once,

I remember.

It was weird, though.
They took the pitcher
out of the game,

and I felt
really bad

because the pitcher
wasn't gonna be able

to play with his
friends anymore.

But Jeff said that
the manager was making

a really good move by
taking the pitcher out.

He really respected
the manager.

It's working.

I'm doing it.

What?

My place, tonight.
Wear this.

Do you have your card?

Yes.

ANGELA: Don't forget the pipe.

It's really sad
that your dog ran away,

but why did it keep you
from going to the park?

I was afraid I would
find him in the park
playing with another kid.

Why?

I guess that's why
I thought he ran away
in the first place,

to find a kid
he liked better.

Dogs don't do that.

Right?

Why would
a dog do that?

I don't know.

When I hear myself say it,
it just sounds ridiculous.

But I never said
it out loud, so...

It's very important
for you to be liked,
isn't it?

Well, let's not get too...

This isn't
a counseling session.

Okay.

You son of a gun.

You son of a bitch.
Wow, okay.

I'm just trying to
help you, Michael.

You bitch, God!

Michael.
You're very helpful,
aren't you?

You try to help everybody.
I'm trying to.

Do you wanna
play another game?

I just wanna...
You are good.

But you know what?
You can't help people.

You couldn't help
your marriage.

Hey...
Lose. You lose.

I don't need your help.

Nobody needs your help.

Nobody wants it!
You can't help anybody.

I don't need your help!

Am I gonna
make you cry?

Just fill them out
any way you want.

Okay.

Have Erin fax them
back to corporate.

Will do.

Okay, filled out. Good.

Thank you, doctor.
Take two of these
and call me in the morning.

PAM: Hey, Michael?

About three months ago,
I was talking...

PAM: There are
a lot of one-person
departments here,

so there's a lot
of department heads.

But I'm off
to a good start.

Oh, man, if I can pull
this off, it will be
the scam of all scams.

And yet,
very helpful
to everyone.

So corporate got
your evaluations,

and they wanted
me to double-check.

Is that really how you feel
about Michael's situation?

Yes.

That is not how
he seemed to me.

I thought
he seemed fine.

You marked "severe"
in all the categories,

including "at risk
for homicidal behavior."

I saw a TLC show
on Kate Walsh's
home office.

All corkboard.

We can do that.

Right in here?
Easily.

Knock, knock.
Pam? Perfect.

I was hoping
to talk to the
office administrator

about a little office
administration problem.

But of course.
Great.

The problem,
unfortunately,
is about

the office administrator.

I have gone through
everything from the
past three years.

There is nothing
that says that you're
office administrator.

So weird that
there's no paperwork.

At all.

Although, like,
unlikely things happen
all the time.

My best friend
in high school,

she went to Australia,
Canberra I think,

and she met this guy
who lived only two streets
away from her in America.

Pam, I don't want
to accuse you
of anything.

I just want everything
to be back the way
it's supposed to be.

Can you just admit... Admit...

Admit what?

I don't want to say it.

Say it.

Mmm-mmm.

Say that I'm lying,
or say I have the job.

Make a definitive
statement, Gabe.

Statements of such a nature,
while they have their place,
are overused

in a competitive
business environment.

Great. Well, let me know
if you need a new chair,

or anything that
an office administrator
can handle.

Will do.

Could I get one
of those nameplates
that says "Gabe Lewis"?

For sure.
Anything else?

I'll get it right away.

The first lesson of watching
World Poker Tour at 2:00 a.m.,

you play the opponent,
not the cards.

JIM: Is that what
we're here for?

A crystal wizard.
I like it.

It's a pewter wizard
holding a crystal.

Wait a second.

You know you can't
buy that now, right?

And I can come back
and get it for you later.

But I'm saying right now,
we can't do that.

Right.

'Cause I'm here for
one thing, revenge.

That's it.
Okay.

Let me know if I can
help you with anything.

Excuse me, sir.

Yes?

I was here yesterday,
and you refused
to wait on me.

I remember, yes.
I'm terribly sorry
about what happened.

You work on commission,
don't you?

No.
Stop, stop, stop.
Hold on one second.

Did you just say
you remember him?

Of course.

But he looks much
less threatening now.

What does that mean?

We had a safety concern.

We very politely
indicated that he'd
be welcomed back...

Good morning.
...if he were in accordance

with our dress policy.
What?

But the
bloodstained hands...

It was beet juice.

I'm a beet farmer...
I'm very sorry.

Good sir, I happened
to have been working
a very long day that day.

When I came
to your fine...

You are so...
I'm gonna... Okay.

Listen, you can't treat...
Thank you. Good morning, sir!

Okay, let's go.
Come on.

You made a big
mistake! Huge!

There it is.
All right.

That was pretty good.

Thank you.
Please. After you.

I'll take the wizard.
SALESMAN: Okay.

You forged them.
You forged the forms.

You filled them in
and faxed them yourself.
Yes.

You remember that.
Yes.

But you had me
so worked up that
I made a mistake.

Unless a part of you
made that mistake
on purpose.

You don't make
a mistake on
purpose, Toby.

Then it's no longer
a mistake.

Gabe. He messed it up.

He messed up
the forms, I bet.

"I wanna mess everything up
so I can fix it
and keep my job.

"Good thing I'm here,
'cause I do nothing.

"I make everybody nervous."

Okay.

That's your notebook?

All right. All right.
Let's bang this out.

Let's do it to it.

That's the office, huh?
Mmm.

Look at that.

Angela's cat, yes.

Why is Angela
taller than Dwight?

Right. Oh.

I wonder why it
feels like that.

Psychiatrists
tend to be more crazy
than their patients.

Therapists are whores.

Psychiatry is
a narcissism machine.

I learn more
from Dr. Seuss
than Dr. Freud.

Earth. You don't have
to be crazy to live here.

But it helps.

I don't know,
just use the best one.