All language subtitles for The.Office.US.S07E01.Nepotism.720p.BrRip.2CH.x265.HEVC-PSA

You're falling behind.

Wuphf. Com.

Ryan, we're doing a dance...
This is how you
build a business.

KELLY: We're doing a dance.

RYAN: This is how you
make it in this country.

Find out...
You got Creed.

You jump in front of them.

You make it so hard
to love you sometimes.

Still behind.

I'll take these.

I said I didn't want
to be on the Internet!

Go, go, go, go!

ALL: Streamers!

Dwight!

Dwight, you got
to be kidding me!

Are you crazy?

Toby, how did we do?

TOBY: Well, that was better.

MICHAEL: I suppose summer
had to end sometime.

It's sad, though,
because I had
a great summer.

I got West Nile virus.
Lost a ton of weight.

Then I went back
to the lake.

I stepped on
a piece of glass
in the parking lot,

which hurt.

That got infected,
even though I peed on it.

Saw Inception.

Or at least
I dreamt I did.

Broccoli Rob,
obviously, will be there.

Yes, of course.

And J.C.
We call him Blorville,

because he looks
like a black
Orville Redenbacher.

Who's the guy who
invented the peanut?

Hey, guys.
Hey!

Hi. Hi.

Sorry, didn't mean
to interrupt.

Not at all.

I'm gonna head
back to Siberia there.

I started dating
Erin this summer.

It has been,
in a word, exquisite.

Gabe is awesome.

He has accomplished
so much career-wise
and height-wise.

Thank God he's my boss

because I would
not have said yes

to a first date if
I didn't have to.

But, it's been great.

Am I angry that Gabe
stole my girlfriend
over the summer?

No.

I've been through
anger management, okay?

So right now I am
sitting on a nice beach
at Cape Cod,

gazing out across
the whitecaps.

Oh, look,
it's a humpback whale.

How pretty.

He's eating Gabe.

Hey.

What are you doing?

From now on,
if you're hot,
sit on an ice pack.

Well, what if
you're cold?

Like you'd
ever be cold, Kevin.

Stop asking me
hypothetical questions.

I'm too busy.

Hey, Dwight,
I don't know
if you heard,

but we're supposed
to be drinking out
of weird backpacks

instead of cups,
like regular people.
Oh, you did hear.

Jim, you have one job to do
and you do it forgettably.

Those of us who are busy
require hands-free hydration.

Dwight Schrute,
star salesman,
beet farmer.

Bed and breakfast proprietor.
Aspiring freelance bodyguard.

Add to that list,
owner of this building.

Then burn the list.

This summer I did
the Minority Executive
Training program at Yale.

You guys, I'm, like,
really smart now.

You don't even know.
You could ask me,

"Kelly, what's the
biggest company
in the world?"

And I'd be, like,
"Blah, blah, blah,

"blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah,"

giving you the exact
right answer.

Coffee monkey's arrived.

I thought the coffee
was supposed to be
here at 9:00.

Here you go, Big O.

Tiny.

Darryl Hanah.

This says "decaf."
You got me decaf?

Ooh, yeah.
Must have been some
sort of mix-up there.

You cool to just drink it,
or should I drive
all the way back?

Well, summer,
I blew out my knee
playing softball.

Ended up watching
CNN most of the time.

I don't know
how we're gonna get
out of Afghanistan.

I hate the new assistant.

He's only been
here for a week
and I hate him.

The new guy sucks.
Calls me "The Nard man."

I'm the "Nard dog," okay?
Nard man is my father.

My name is Luke Cooper.

I love cinema.

My favorite
movies are Citizen Kane
and The Boondock Saints.

That kid is the worst.
Needs to be fired, Michael.

He's not the worst. Okay?
He's not the worst.

You know who's
the worst?

That intern we had
a few years ago.
That guy.

Remember?

That face,
how ugly he was?

He was the worst.
Good worker, though.

Mmm!

It's not cappuccino.

He messed yours up, too.

He's got to go, Mike.

It's just coffee, guys.

But, yeah,
I'll look into it, okay?

Wow, that's a lot of keys.

The bigger the key chain,
the more powerful the man.

That's right.
The janitor said that.

By the way,
the raccoons are back.

Where?

I think they run
through these panels
and then down under the map.

I wouldn't know for
sure 'cause I don't
have a trained ear.

That's why I have
to use one of these.

Give me that.
Yep.

Wait. And this.

Yes.
Go get 'em.

What happened to
me this summer?

Dwight bought
the building,

so, actually, this has
been the busiest
summer of my life.

Hey, what's so
funny over here?

Ha! Very nice.
Give me my keys.

Ha! Ha!

Not funny, Jim!

Sorry.

Oh, no.
Don't worry about it.

I was just gonna
put a couple keys on
every day until Christmas.

Then his pants
would have fallen down,

which was a little
gift to me, but...

It was really funny.

Well, it would
have been.

So unprofessional,
Mrs. Halpert.

I love you.

Thanks.

Luke.

Luke!

What's up, Venus?

Did you send those
samples to Justin
at Lehigh Motors yesterday?

Because he didn't get them.

Uh, if you
asked me to do it,
I'm sure I did it.

Yeah, strawberries
are ripe.

MEREDITH: Hey.

Turn off the Chumbawamba
and scram, twerp.

All right.
You don't have to yell.

Okay, rude.

Luke,

I want you to go to
the supermarket for me.

What for?

To get some ice cream
for everybody.

It's national
ice cream afternoon.

Great.

And another thing
I did this summer,

I hired my nephew.

Having Luke here
is a pretty big
deal for me.

Because his mother,

who also happens
to be my half sister,

kind of cut me off from
that side of the family
15 years ago...

Fourteen.

The last time I saw Luke
was the opening day
of Ace Ventura II,

and that was '95.

So, yes,
15 years on the dot.

Anyway, I lost
him in a forest.

"Don't bother Luke."

Why is there a circle
with a line through it?

That means don't.

Haven't you seen
Ghost Busters, Pam?

Yeah,
but it's like you're saying
we should bother Luke.

No, it...

Yes, okay. Right.
All right, yep. My bad.

I got it.

Here we go.

Don't don't bother Luke.
Got it.

Come on. Okay.

That's as clear
as I can make it.

Hey, why can't
we bother Luke?
He deserves it.

Because I don't
want it getting
back to Sabre

that we're yelling
at assistants.

I think it would
reflect poorly on us.

Who's gonna tell
on us? Gabe?

That'd be hilarious.

"Jo, they're creating
a hostile work environment.
Stop them."

Nope, it won't be Gabe.

But, actually, there is
somebody in the office

who is very,
very close to Luke.

How close?

Well, Dwight,
he wiped his butt.

Is that close
enough for you?

Yes. Of course.

Guys, I think Michael
and Luke are related.

No.

No, Toby. He's not.

Yes, he is.
He's my nephew.

What?
What?

Luke is my nephew.

OSCAR: Michael,
that's nepotism.

Luke is getting
special treatment
because he's your nephew.

Yes, exactly.
That is a very nice way
of putting it, Oscar.

Mixing family and business
is a beautiful thing.

What's wrong with
a level playing field?

Do you think
they should have
had open auditions

for the band Hanson?

What if no one
named Hanson showed up?

That wouldn't
even make sense.

Or what if they just
hired the littlest kid
and a 50- year-old guy

who was a murderer?

Really safe.

Oh, man, so many
points being made.

CREED: I couldn't care
less about nepotism.

But I'm loving the debate.

Great minds battling it out.

And I've got
a front row seat.

God, when he needed
help on earth,
who did he hire?

Jesus Christ, his son.

That's a really
tight argument.

MICHAEL: Thank you.
Yeah.

But you're
comparing you and Luke
to God and Jesus.

No. No.

I'm just saying,
why does God get to do
something that I don't?

This is hypothetical.

We're talking about Luke,
who happens to be terrible.

Well, then, why aren't
you bugging me to fire
everybody who's bad?

You just want me
to fire Luke.
That's reverse nepotism.

He should not be
punished because
he is related to me

and bad at what he does!

I would just like
to say something
off of what Darryl said

about the level
playing field.

That is actually
a zoning issue.

So, thank you.

If there's nothing
wrong with this, Michael,

why have you been
keeping it a secret?

Because I wanted you
to come to me and say,
"Wow, he is so great."

And I was gonna say,
"Well, it's in the genes."

And I was actually
gonna be wearing jeans.

And I'd point
to them, right?

No. 'Cause you ruined it.

So, thank you very much.

Here he comes.
Guys, look.

I don't want you to
treat him like anyone
else in the office.

I just want you
to treat him
like my nephew.

Hey, there he is.
ERIN: Hey!

There he is!
Ice cream afternoon!

Wait.

Soy ice cream?
Did you get
real ice cream?

Or enough
for everyone?

No, man.
There was no list.

But I got bagel chips.

Oh, my favorite part of
an ice cream party.
The bagel chips.

Clutch cream run, bro.

Get whatever you want.
On me.

You really think you
can make it up to me
with food?

I don't know.
That usually works.

I feel horrible for
blowing Jim's prank.

I don't know
if you can tell,
but he's mildly upset.

And Dwight hasn't
been messed with
in a while,

so he's become a monster.

I need to
make this right.

I came down here to
feed the feral cats
like I usually do,

and I found something
unsavory in the back
of your nephew's car.

Okay, you know what?
Just... Just back off.
Back off!

Well, take a look.
It's all the packages
he was supposed to overnight.

He never bothered
to send them.

All right,
those might be his.

He might own
an eBay Store.

Yep. That's exactly
what my first thought was.

And then I remembered
having a conversation
with him

where he was like,
"I don't own an eBay Store."
So...

Okay, okay.
You know what?
This is disgusting.

This is like
a witch hunt.

This is like
The Blair Witch
Hunt Project.

I'm sure those are
the expense reports

that corporate was
waiting for yesterday.

They are not.
Let's just make this
kid open his damn car.

Oh, my gosh, those are
the pants you wanted
to return to Talbots.

I'm reconsidering
sending them back
anyway.

You get that kid
to open this car,

or I'm gonna
do it myself

by calling AAA.

Wait a minute.
I'm in.

Don't... All right.

Well, okay.

You've just
committed a felony.

Yep, here they are.

Yep, I just lost a client
'cause I swore I sent
these samples on time.

This kid's costing
us sales, Michael.

I'm sorry,
do you want to try
them on again to see...

No, I know they fit.
It's not about the fit.

Why is this my problem,
Michael?

Because Gabe tattled.

I was perfectly happy
to just hide it from you.

GABE: Those overnight
packages needed
to go out,

and Michael refuses
to hold the guilty
party accountable.

Lower yourself, Gabe.

I don't wanna be
having a conversation
with your crotch.

Okay, now educate me
why you won't fire the boy.

You don't have
all the facts.

Which are?
I love him.

Oh, God.
How far has it gone?

No. No. He's my nephew.

Well, I got a nephew, too,
but he don't work for me.

You know why?
'Cause he's a screw-up.

He can swim in my pool,
but he can't come in my house.

Well, this office is my pool
and my house is my house,

and I just want
my nephew to work
in my pool.

If you keep him, Michael,
I'm gonna hold you
accountable for him.

You're on the hook for
this kid. You got that?
Mmm-hmm.

Cover his ass
like tighty-whiteys.

I will cover his ass
like moss on
a Mississippi tree stump.

Was how I put it
not clear enough?

I mean, you had
to go and make up
your own saying?

Okay.

Deal with it, boys.

Luke and I have been
working side by side
as master and commander.

Me as master,
he as commander.

Occasionally,
he'll need a little push.

And I will do that,
and he'll slow down,
and then I'll push him again.

That's the thing with kids.
You have to keep pushing.

You have to push them
until they push you back,

and then you
push some more.

It's all about give
and take, but mostly it's
about pushing each other.

Oh, yeah.

This will be easy.

So just, like, rearrange
the buttons and stuff.

Yeah, yeah.
Like when he presses
"door close," the doors open.

Or he presses "lobby,"
it goes to third floor.

Stuff like that.
Can you do that?

Yeah. Let me
take a look at
the circus board.

Dwight is about
to get so Pammed.

Hey, did you
SMSItext message me?

Yeah, I wanted to
show you something
in the lobby. Come on.

Okay, that's weird.
I was just hitting
"door close." What?

There we go.
Well...

Good.

Is this elevator
going up?
Hmm?

Hey, the elevator
is disobeying us!

Okay. Okay.
We are stuck.
We are stuck.

Hank! Hank!
Can you hear us?

Oh, my God. Okay.
Emergency protocol.

Okay, just...
Just... Just calm down.

Pam, try and pry open
those front doors,
immediately.

I don't...
Use your talons!
Pry 'em open!

Okay, Dwight...
Oh, my God!

Well, don't look, freak!

Dwight, what are you doing?
Well...

We've only been in here
for, like, two seconds.

I got 56 ounces of
fluid in my bladder!

And we have
to establish
a pee corner.

You've got to
be kidding me.

Luke is going to
use his laser pointer
to point to account setup.

You click on that first,
then a whole new...
Not... No, no, no.

Luke, come on. Come on.

Not on Oscar's head.

All right.
Luke, come on.

Stop it.

What? I'm stopping it.
That's what you said.

Give me the pointer.

So you just
want me to move it.

You're being
totally unclear here.

I'm just gonna go
ahead and move it.
No, just power it down.

No, no, no, no, no.
Not on Angela's boob.
Come on. Come on.

Luke, seriously.

All right, fine, fine.
I'll just go.
Okay.

I'm gone.
All right. Okay.

Good job.

Okay, email accounts.

So, we're starting
with account setup.

Oh, my God,
is it in my eyeball?
Yes.

I think he's
burning my eye.

ANGELA: Michael,
do something.

Sack up, man.
KELLY: You have
to stop this.

Luke, can I have that?
No.

Okay, I am going to
count down from five.

Five.
Five.

Four.
Four.

I'm not kidding.

Three.
Three.

Two.
Two.

One. Give... Okay.

All right, give it up.
No!

You are going
to learn to be more
professional, Luke!

LUKE: What the...

That's what you're
going to do, Luke!

What the hell was that?

I had to do that.

this!

Screw it!
All right.
Are we good?

You're okay.

He's okay.

There are many different
schools of thought
on capital punishment.

That was awesome.

Texas justice.

Yeah, your nephew
is so lame.

He's been trashing us
relentlessly on Twitter.

Yeah, it's funny
stuff, but mean.

You follow him
on Twitter?

Everywhere I look,
it's Betty White this
and Betty White that.

Finally,
a kid who's not talking
about Betty White.

Of course I follow him.

Michael, you just
physically assaulted
an employee.

Can we talk in private?

Yes, of course.
What is this
in reference to?

Pam?

PAM: Oh, hey, Jim.

Some prankster
switched the elevator
buttons on Dwight.

I did not do this.

I know.

Yeah, and it was going
really great at first.
I got video.

This is impressive.

Well, you know,
they don't call me

"The Bart Simpson of
Scranton" for nothing.

Do they call you that?
They do call me that.

Come on, give me your hand.
I'll help you down.

Nope. Scared of
getting cut in half.

Also, there's
pee on the floor.

Oh.

Of course there is.
Hey, Chinese tonight?

Yeah.
All right.

How you doing?
Pretty good.

You must be
almost out of water.

Stop drinking
the water! Stop!

ANDY: No, no, no, no.
It's the other hand,
right hand.

Right hand?
Yeah.

MICHAEL: Would have
been nice to work
with my family.

It would have been nice
if Luke had been
able to stay here.

But he couldn't.

These things
seldom work out.

I don't know how
Ringling Brothers do it.

Night after night,
town after town,
all across America.

You would think
they'd be sick of
each other by now,

but, clearly,
they make it work.

And my hat's off to them.

Hey! Whoa!

You...
Hey.

Dwight.
Dwight...

Stop!

Legal says the best
way to protect us
from a lawsuit

is to call this
a stress induced
outburst.

Mmm-hmm.

You will have to
undergo six sessions
of counseling.

That's it? Really?

That's nothing.
All right.

That's highway
robbery. Good.

Well, that's the spirit.
I can do that.

And you will do your
counseling right here

because our HR staff
are all certified
counselors.

Okay. Wait, what?

Yeah, I'm really looking
forward to working
with you, Michael.

Is there another option?

The alternative
is termination.

Michael?