All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E09 - Ron and Diane (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Merry Congratu-Christmas!

What?
Half "Merry Christmas,"

half"Congratulations," because
I just received some news.

You, Ron Swanson, have been
nominated for an award

from the Indiana Fine
Woodworking Association.

How did you hear about that?

I've had a "Ron
Swanson" Google alert

for seven years and
it finally paid off.

Recently, I made a chair.

When I was finished,
I thought it was a good chair.

I submitted it to the Indiana
Fine Woodworking Association,

who felt it merited
consideration for an award.

(CHUCKLES)
It's been a real whirlwind.

I have to confess, I'm very
honored by this nomination.

Right?

This might be the first time I've
ever wanted to attend an event.

Oh, my God, I love events!
I can't wait to go tonight.

Why are you going?

As your self-appointed
emotional guardian,

it is my duty
to love and support you.

Plus, you know, this is a big deal.
You shouldn't be there alone.

That's correct.
I'm bringing Diane.

Things are going
very well with us.

Even better. I am very
excited to meet Diane.

You're not taking "no"
for an answer, are you?

I forgot to sing you my merry
Congratu-Christmas carol.

(SINGING) Jingle bells, jingle
yay, jingle good for you

Get out.
Yup. Hmm.

How about the new sushi
place in Eagleton?

I'm allergic to sushi.

Every time I eat more
than 80 sushis, I barf.

Hey, Ann, you been to any
swanky restaurants lately?

What's the occasion?
It's December.

It's the time we celebrate our
most sacred and special event...

(SINGING) Jerry Dinner
Jerry Dinner

Jerry Dinner

Jerry Dinner

What the hell is Jerry Dinner?

Every time we laugh at
something stupid Jerry does,

we put a dollar in this box.

At the end of the year,
we take all the cash

and treat ourselves
to a fancy dinner.

This year, we have...

$516.

Aw. Geez!

And that's $517.

Oh.

$518.

You guys, that's so mean.

It's not mean
if he doesn't know about it.

It's like talking about people
behind their backs.

Everybody wins.

No.

You should at least
invite Jerry to the dinner.

Ha!

That's hilarious.
You should do stand-up.

If you're kidding, you suck,
but if you're serious,

I actually have
been thinking about it.

Hey, April, Matlock called.
He wants his cardigan back.

Boom! I'm out.

Who's Matlock?

(KNOCKS ON DOOR) Hey, bud. Hey!

How are you?

Great. I just finished making
an entry in my dream journal.

This time, the giant spider
got caught in my web.

(LAUGHS)

Progress.

So I feel like we haven't
gotten a ton of time together

since I got back from D.C.

Well, we both are
in serious relationships.

You have Leslie and I have my
therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard,

who I see 15 times a week.

Well, Leslie has plans
tonight, so I'm solo.

You wanna hang out?
I'd love to.

It'll be just like old
times in Indianapolis.

We're back.
All right.

Ohhh...

Lots of hugs.

Welcome to the Indiana
Fine Woodworking Awards,

or as I like
to call it, heaven.

Ron.
Ah.

Leslie, may I present Diane Lewis?
Diane, this is Leslie Knope.

Diane, wow. Ron has told
me so much about you,

in that he has told me your
name is Diane, and you exist.

Yeah. He's not a big sharer. I don't
even know what his middle name is.

It's Ulysses.

I can see why he didn't tell me that.
(LAUGHS)

Mary, mother of God.

(LAUGHS)

That's Christian Becksvoort!

He's the modern master
of the Shaker style.

I never dreamed that I would
see him in the flesh.

Go over and say hello.

No, I'm sure he gets swamped
with attention all the time.

Oh, if you ladies
will excuse me,

there is a jack plane
that needs my attention.

DIANE: Go on then.

So, tell me everything about yourself.
Your kids, your hobbies.

What are your five biggest hopes,
dreams, fears, and regrets?

In honor of Jerry Dinner,

let's each say our favorite Jerry
moment from the past year.

Yes.
Mine was...

The time he slipped
on a Cinnabon

and landed
in a bunch of garbage.

(ALL LAUGHING)

My favorite Jerry moment was
when he ate a bowl of glue.

(LAUGHS) My favorite
Jerry moment is when

you switched out his potato soup
with glue and he didn't know.

(ALL LAUGHING) You're so cute
when you're bullying, babe.

You know what? Ann was right. This is mean.
We are going to pick up Jerry.

What?
No!

It's Christmas time. Don't
you want to be good people?

Not really.
Never.

Hey, if we're going that way, can
we stop at our place real quick?

'Cause I forgot
to put on deodorant.

And a jacket
and one of my socks.

Plus, I gotta poop, but I
could stop anywhere for that.

I know you didn't, but if you
had gone to Hogwarts Academy,

which House do you think
you would have been in?

(SIGHS) Look, obviously,
I want to say Gryffindor

but I've got
to go with Hufflepuff.

I respect your honesty.

Gryffindor.
Seeker on the Quidditch team.

Diane,
that's my chair, right there.

It's beautiful, Ron.
Yours is the winner.

I'm not sure
I stand a chance.

Hey, you most certainly do.

They'd be crazy
not to vote for you.

Which one is Ron's?

I don't know.

Smart, funny,
independent, and sexy?

Diane Lewis?
More like Diane Sawyer.

Whoa! What is going
on at the Gergiches'?

Oh, my God! Jerry's
having a Christmas party!

I can't believe
he didn't invite us.

How dare he!
What'd we ever do to him?

It's probably just family.

(GASPS) And Ben and Chris.

And Ann. I didn't
even know she knew Jerry.

Wow! The Gergiches really go all out.
This is incredible.

Mmm. This is literally the best
non-fat eggnog I've ever had.

Remain calm,
but I think you just drank

some of the regular,
full-fat eggnog.

Chris,
one cup won't kill you.

No, but it will add
exactly 440 calories.

But you know what?
I'm fine.

You only live once.

Mmm. I don't know if you know
this, but things with fat in them

taste way better
than things with no fat.

Yeah, Chris...
Everybody knows that.

Ron,
guess why my thumbs are up.

No.

Because I'm giving you
my 100% approval about Diane.

She is perfect for you.
She gets you.

She is at the bar right now
ordering a Lagavulin, neat for you.

I mean,
she's even putting up

with all this stupid,
boring woodworking stuff.

I'm sorry, but, you know,
it's not the Super Bowl, guys.

Let's take it down a notch.

Anyway,
you have my approval.

I don't need your approval.

But you have it.
Don't need it.

But you got it.

This could end up being the best
night in Ron Swanson's life.

I am so,
so happy for him...

TAMMY:
Hello, you gorgeous craftsmen.

Wow, look at this room.

So much wood,
ready to be worked.

(BLEEP) me!

Hey, hey, hey.
Alert... Alert, alert, alert.

She's here, isn't she?

Oh, hey, Ron.
What a coincidence.

Gosh, I never
dreamed you'd be here.

Tammy, this is Diane.

Diane, this is a piece
of human garbage named Tammy,

who is also my ex-wife.

Twice ex-wife.
We were married twice.

And divorced twice. Everything is done.
They are totally done.

Tammy,
what are you doing here?

I just have a little something
I need to get drilled.

Can I speak with
you for a moment?

Everything's fine,
we're just gonna chat.

Shouldn't you
be at the library,

forcing people
to borrow books?

Leslie, you and I both know that
the library closes at 3:00 p.m.

Of course it does.

Besides,
I like to keep tabs on Ron.

So you can ruin his life?

So I can have fun with him,

and sometimes ruining his life
can be a part of that, sure.

LESLIE: This may
be the hardest challenge yet

for Leslie Knope,
emotional guardian.

I need to protect
a sweet couple

from a sex-crazed
demon librarian

who makes me question my
stance on using the "B" word.

I don't know,
maybe just this once.

No, Leslie, fight it.
Fight it.

APRIL: Mmm. It looks warm in there!
Warm and happy.

Mmm.
Look at that gingerbread man.

What? I don't see
any gingerbread cookies.

DONNA: I'm talking about that
jacked-up, light-skinned dude.

Look like Blake Griffin.

ANDY: You guys!

There's a buffet
in the house!

I didn't even know
you could do that!

We need to crash this party.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Ann, let us in.

Let's go.

Well, well, well.

You want to come into Jerry's party?
And why is that?

I need a place
to deliver this baby, Ann.

It's coming out of me right now.
I'm pregnant.

(PANTING)

This is a lovely party thrown by a
lovely man and his lovely family.

There's no place for meanies.

Forget it,
I'm coming in.

Ow!

Get off me.
Wait.

You're so weak, really?

(GROANS) I mean, I'm barely
even doing anything.

Are you iron-deficient? Let
me look at your palms. Ow.

It's because of your man
strength, Man Perkins.

TOM: Let us in, Ann.

It's cold outside,
and I can't wear mittens

'cause they're
unflattering to my hands.

Sorry, guys.
This is your penance.

You can come in if you do
something nice for Jerry.

Hey, I already did
something nice for Jerry.

I drove here to take
him to Jerry Dinner.

Aw, Donna.
You can come in.

(GASPS)
Okay. (LAUGHS)

What?
What about us?

APRIL: What? Donna!

Merry critches, bitches!

Donna, don't leave us! Donna?

Oh, well, whatever. It's Jerry's party.
How cool could it be?

ANDY: (GASPS) Santa!

They have a Santa!
Oh, my God.

What?
Aw!

Welcome to the Indiana Fine
Woodworking Association Awards.

(GUESTS CHEERING)

I'm your host, Martin Housely, and
wow, it's gonna be a great show...

Knock on wood.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, my gosh.

What a coinky-dinky. Look, we're
sitting at the same table!

Tammy,
this table is reserved.

A guy traded me his seat
for a peek and a squeeze.

That's my boob
and my butt, respectively.

Remember that, Ron?

Subtle.

Well, you know, they asked me
if I would host this event,

and I said, "Would I?"

(LAUGHS)

Ben, come meet Jerry's wife.
Gayle?

Happy holidays, Chris.

It's so good to see you.

I have someone
I'd like you to meet.

I'm Gayle Gergich.

Gayle... You're Gayle?

Jerry's beautiful wife.

Who looks like that.

Gayle, I hope you're not in any
way uncomfortable that I'm here,

since I dated your daughter.

Oh, not at all.

You're welcome here any time.

Oops, there's a little
hair on your shoulder. Oh.

Well,
look who's a silver fox.

(LAUGHS)
Will you look at that?

I'm sorry, you're okay?

You don't feel like your body is
in decay or death is inevitable?

My, my. Somebody's
being a gloomy goose.

Yeah. Relax, gloomy goose.

Welcome, everybody,
to another Gergich Christmas.

Sadly, one of our
three beautiful angels,

Millicent,
couldn't be here tonight,

but our other two beauties
Miriam and Gladys

are going to help Gayle and
me play a little tune.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(SINGING) Here we go a-caroling
Among the leaves so green

Here we come a-wandering
So fair to be seen

BOTH: Love and joy come to you

And to you
glad Christmas, too

And God bless you
And send you a happy new year

And God send you
a happy new year

(ALL LAUGHING)
(CHEERING)

I'm going to call a cab.

Why does everyone act
like Jerry's the victim here?

He's the one that didn't invite
us to his Christmas party.

Jerry Filter!

(GASPS) Jerry Filter!

Who's Jerry Filter?

Unsurprisingly, Jerry sends
a lot of annoying emails.

So a while ago, I put a
filter on all our accounts.

Everything from Jerry
goes directly to spam.

And...

Here's our invitation.

There's three years
of nice messages on here.

"Congratulations
on your wedding.

"I'm rooting for you kids.
Jerry."

"Hope you have
the best birthday, Tom."

I just tied
my high score in Snake.

Our next award is for
"Achievement in Chairs."

The nominees are Asa Christiana
for chair, Ron Swanson for chair,

H.W. Davenport for chair.

So exciting, Ron.

Okay, Ron,
this is your moment.

Tune her out.
She's not even here.

And the winner is...

Ron Swanson for chair.

Oh, wow'. Whoa'.!

This award is the only one
I'd ever give a damn about.

I made my first chair
when I was five,

but the quality
of the wood was wanting,

so when I turned nine,
I used my factory wages

to purchase some
beautiful local walnut.

Thank you for this...

This all good... Night good.

Uh.

There it is.

(GUESTS CLAPPING)

Hey, you're looking
at a picture of Millie.

You want to take off,
grab some vegan fries?

She really was delightful.

I truly wish her
all the best.

Man, maybe going to therapy
1,000 times a week is helping.

I mean, if you'd seen
that picture a month ago,

you would have fallen apart.

It's just a picture.

GAYLE: Millie!
Hi, Mom!

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

We wanted to surprise you
and come home early.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, hey, Chris.

Hi.

Let's take
a moment now to remember

those woodworkers
who are no longer with us,

and the beautiful coffins
they all designed themselves.

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey-
Hey-

Have you seen Ron?

He disappeared after the speech
and I can't find him anywhere.

Diane,
the stuff with Tammy

is so complex
and weird and gross.

It just would probably be
better if you let me handle it.

I'm not worried about Tammy.

I mean, I'm a middle
school vice-principal.

I deal with hormonal
psychopaths all the time.

Oh, great. Good.

What concerns me is you.

You who?

You you.
You me?

You're the one who's been
at his side all night.

You're the one who's
been protecting him,

you're the one who knows
all the intimate details

of his romantic history
with that monster.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Diane, you misunderstand.

I'm happily engaged.

You and Ron have an intimacy
that I just don't understand,

so if there is a threat
to my relationship with Ron,

it's not Tammy. It's you.

Okay, folks, fasten your seatbelts.
It's the big one, Best Desk.

Where's Diane?
I need her.

She left.
Of course.

Tammy ruins everything.

No, she left because of me.

She's threatened
by our relationship.

(LAUGHS)

That's ridiculous. I don't
think of you romantically.

You're pro-government,
you never stop talking,

and you have blonde hair.
You're my worst nightmare.

Excuse me,
one man's "worst nightmare"

is every other man's
"total package."

But the point is, I don't
think it's about dating.

I kind of see where
Diane is coming from.

We are close friends, and I'm
very involved in your life.

I wouldn't say we're close.

By Swanson standards, we're close.
I know when your birthday is.

So does Baskin-Robbins.

I know that you secretly
love artichokes and plums.

Keep your voice down,
woman!

Fine, we're friends.
So what do I do?

Tammy's waiting
for me in my car.

I think you should
take my car and go get Diane,

and I will handle Tammy.

Thank you. Protect your
eyes, she's a gouger.

Good to know.

Chris, I'd like you to
meet my fiancé, Carl.

Well.
Hi, there.

Hi. How did you two meet?

Whitewater rafting.

He was the young rafting instructor
all the girls were into,

and I was the young rafting
instructor all the guys were into.

(LAUGHS)
And then we got together.

Ah, so random, right?
(LAUGHS)

What a story! I felt like my
heart was whitewater rafting.

(LAUGHS) Well, I won't keep you guys.
It's good to see you.

Oh, little tip,
there is fat in the eggnog.

Okay.
(LAUGHS)

So how'd it go?
You okay?

(SIGHS) I'm fine.

If therapy has
taught me anything,

it's that I need
to face my fears,

even when my fears
are engaged to a man

with the chiseled
jawline of a young me.

Thank you, Ben.

Thank me? For what?

For looking out for me tonight.
You're a good friend.

Hey...

So Gayle and Jerry...

I've thought about it a lot.
There's no logical explanation.

(LAUGHS)
Well, hello there, Big B...

Gross! Leslie?
Where's Ron?

Too late, Tammy. Ron's gone.
You'll never get him back. (SIGHS)

Wanna bet?
That relationship is weak.

All I have to do is find Ron
within the next few hours,

and he's toast.

Few hours, you say?

Leslie! Stop this car!
Where are we going?

I don't know.

You're gonna regret this!

Well, hello again.

You ready to be nice to Jerry?

Because it's so cold out here, it
reminds me of my wife's lasagna.

I actually like that one.

Hey,guys! I thought you weren't coming.
You know, never got your RSVP.

Hi, Jerry. We got you a gift.
Merry Christmas.

Huh?

Yeah, just...

We took up a collection
to pay your hospital bills,

since you almost
farted yourself to death.

Every time we did something
mean, we put a dollar in a box.

Wow,
I'm the luckiest man on earth.

Okay, well, come on in!
It's a party.

Oh, geez.

TAMMY: Give me the keys!

LESLIE: No!

Give 'em to me!
Never!

Hey, game over, Tammy.
Whoo!

What? You...

I'm going in!

Whoa!

Ha! Ow! Ah!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Oh, my God,
lam so turned on right now.

What is wrong with you?

Yeah, tell me
you're not feeling this.

You are so crazy!

I got 'em!

I got 'em.
No! (GROANS)

No! You'll never catch me!

Come back here... Ow!

(TAMMY LAUGHS) You are not
gonna ruin this night!

TAMMY: Get away from this car!

No!

What are you doing?

You'
e crazy'

Ron! Ron!

Ha, ha, ha.
You're too late!

(YELLS)

No! No, no, no,
no, no, no!

She just knows you so well,
and I was starting to wonder

if I was ever gonna
get to that point.

I'm worried that maybe

there isn't room in your life
for another woman.

At this very moment,
Leslie is throwing herself

in front of a freight train
named Tammy for me and you.

Leslie is a wonderful,
loyal friend,

who is very important
in my life,

but I would
sooner visit Europe

than have something romantic
happen between us.

Although, if you'd
like to visit Europe,

I like you so much,
I'd be willing to risk it.

But not France, right?

God, no.

See? You know me
pretty well already,

but you're about
to get to know me even better.

I brought you here because I
want to show you something

that almost no one
knows about...

Certainly not Tammy,
and not even Leslie Knope.

EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen,
and especially the ladies,

put your hands together
for the one, the only,

my man, Mr. Duke Silvers.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

A mighty fine
holiday evening to you all.

EMCEE: Yeah.

It might be cold outside,

but it's about to get warm
all up in m y jazz. (LAUGHS)

I, of course, am Duke Silver,

and I would like to
dedicate this first song

to my duchess.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

You're so lucky.

I'm going to kill you.

LESLIE: I think it's time
to officially retire

as Ron's emotional guardian.
That's Diane's job now,

and she seems more
than up to the task.

I mean,
I'd do anything for Ron.

Even spend a whole night
fighting his crazy ex-wife.

But I think I'm safe.
She's gotta be tired by now.

Hi.
(SCREAMS)

Officer Skorggel.
I pulled over

a Tammy Swanson
for driving erratically.

Ran the plates,
saw it was your car.

Figured it was stolen.

Hey, Ron, why don't you
get me out of these handcuffs,

so I can put you
into these handcuffs.

Yes, please, officer,
get her out of those cuffs.

I want this
to be a fair fight.

Officer, did you see
any sign of a passenger?

(THUMPING)

LESLIE: (MUFFLED) Ron!

There we go.

Hey!

Help.