All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E07 - Leslie vs. April (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

2020.

Uh, that's a stretch.

Fine, 2024.

I win.
We move in there.

I'll take the West Wing.
You take the East Wing.

You can be
the First Gentleman.

Actually, that sounds kind of great.
(CHUCKLES)

Thanks for coming
with me to get my stuff.

How can I pass up an opportunity
to look at our future house?

Oh, I just remembered. I kind of
got you an engagement present.

Is it a waffle tower?

I mean, it's a little
better than that.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(STUTTERS) That...
How did you do this?

I called in
a few favors.

Excuse me, here.

A few hundred favors.

Mr. Vice President.

I'm Ben Wyatt from
Congressman Murray's office.

Hey, Ben. Dave told me you
were going to be coming by.

And you must be
Leslie Knope.

Welcome. Welcome.
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

(STAMMERING) You're... My name
just came out of your mouth.

Well, yeah, it did.

Well, this isn't happening.

This isn't real.

No, it's happening.

I'm delighted
to have you here.

On behalf of the
President and myself...

Oh, Mr. Vice President,
lam deeply flattered.

But there's no way
that I could take over

Madam Secretary
Clinton's position.

Imean...

I'm confident
you could do that job

or any other, but the reason...
Okay, I will.

Well, the reason
you're here is,

I'm told you've done
such a great job

in your town and
the state of Indiana.

And I just want to say congratulations
for your public service.

I just want
to say thank you.

(STAMMERING) Well, you're very welcome.
You're very welcome.

Hey. You're very welcome.

You're very handsome.
I think we're all done.

Well, you're very nice.
But thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.
We'll see you tomorrow.

Well...
Oh, well, you will?

Thank you,
Mr. Vice President.

You're welcome.

You don't let anything happen to him.
Do you understand me?

He is precious cargo.

Yeah, it's actually the same accounting
firm I almost joined last year.

I mean, they gave me
a great package.

Three weeks of vacation,
matching 401K,

and a pretty
sweet Windbreaker.

Wow!

I'm getting married, and I
wanted a good, stable job.

So, I'm going back
to accounting.

(IN DEEP VOICE)
So, just call me Bond.

Municipal Bond.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, that joke killed
at the accounting firm.

Well, well, well, if it isn't
Mr. Looks and Professor Books.

He's Looks.
I got it.

Of course you do, Books.
What's going on?

Well, fun fact.

Ben just got an amazing
accounting job.

Regular fact. I have
to go to a meeting.

Un-fun fact.
My uncle just had a stroke.

Well, I'm off.

This is actually
a crazy coincidence.

I have a new company

and could use your help on
the math side of things.

Oh! What's the new company?

We specialize in making stacks
on stacks on stacks on stacks.

Right. Pass.

I'm kidding. It's a real idea.
So, get this.

Kids are always growing
out of their clothes,

so their parents don't want
to buy them nice things.

I'm going to rent my upscale
clothing to middle school kids.

Because I discovered

I'm roughly the same size as the
average Pawnee 12-year-old.

That's actually a really great idea.
I know.

Can you take a look at the business
plan, tell me what you think?

Sure, why not?
Awesome.

Washington, D.C. has more dog parks
per capita than most cities.

Pawnee only has
two dog parks,

this one, and that one, which
is also an active parking lot.

(Sums) can you say
"Per capita" again?

I want to take a picture of
you saying "per capita."

Stop.

I am so proud of you.

Now stand
next to the screen

and think about all the strong
female role models in your life.

Gross.
(CLICKS)

April came to me with an idea
to build a dog park in Pawnee.

I recognized her potential
a long time ago,

and she's finally
living up to it.

I mean, I am so proud
of her, I could cry.

(TEARFULLY) And here we go.

One tiny critique.

If you do want
to be taken seriously,

you might want to think a little bit
about how you present yourself.

No, this is publicity for Orin's
new performance art show.

He's an animal
living on a human farm

and you can go and feed him
from your own hand.

Ugh. That's horrifying,
and so is Orin.

You should not be
friends with him.

So, after reviewing
all the options,

I found that the best location
for the dog park is Lot 48.

The one behind
Ann's house.

(LAUGHING)

No, no, no, no, no. I've been trying
to put a park there for four years.

See, the thing is, April,
that lot is mine.

I've been doing
slow, painstaking work.

So, I don't want to whip out
the legalese on you now,

but I got dibs.

What we are going
to do is

we're going to take your enthusiasm,
we're going to bundle it up,

and we're going to find a
new place for a dog park.

Doesn't that sound fun?

One, two, three. Cheese.
Good girl. (CLICKS)

Morning, Andy.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay. Something is different
about my computer.

A-ha! It's gone.

(GASPS)
A game is the foot.

See, part of the Police Academy
entrance exam is investigating a crime.

So, about a month ago, I
told everyone in the office,

that at some point, they should
steal something from my desk

so I can practice.

Let's do this.

Wait. Hey, did you guys
take my glasses, too?

They got my sunglasses, too.

I was in Miami
last weekend.

I took my talents
to South Beach.

How do you spend
your time in Miami?

Maybe fencing
stolen computers?

Yes. I took your government
computer from Indiana to Miami

to sell it on the black
market for 150 bucks.

Ha-ha! You don't know it, but
you just gave yourself away.

(DOOR OPENS) I've got
to say, I'm impressed.

Your mission statement
made sense.

And you didn't use
one R. Kelly lyric.

Yes. So, you want
to be my C.F.O.?

Well, I already have a job,
but I'll help as a friend.

As long as you take
what I say seriously.

I don't want another Entertainment
720 disaster on our hands.

Yeah. It was a disaster.

Too bad we didn't see it coming. All right.
What's my first move?

You know, I think any of the four
previous locations would work,

but there's something
about this place.

It's just a really good
energy here, you know?

Lots of natural light.

It's tiny and awful
and loud.

And it's zoned 14-B, industrial
waste clean-up site.

We should technically be wearing
hazmat suits right now.

This seems like
the kind of place

a ska band would go
to shoot heroin.

Come on, guys. This is a
great place for a dog park.

I mean, look. There's
already a dog here.

Oh, my God. I had that exact
doll when I was a kid.

This is traumatic for me.

APRIL: Well, I'm sorry, but Lot
48 is the only one that works.

And I'm definitely
bringing it up

at the next city
council meeting.

April, please,
I beg of you.

I will do anything to
keep you from doing that.

Okay. Saw off your pinky toe.
No.

Shave your head.
No.

Have sex with Jerry.
No.

Well, I tried
to be reasonable.

I've created a monster. And
now, I need to destroy her.

What do I do, Joe?

(MIMICS JOE) "Well, Leslie, look
into my eyes, take a deep breath,

"and everything will be fine."

Thanks, Joe.
God, he's good.

Ron, thank you for
agreeing to see me.

I didn't. You just walked
in here and started talking.

I don't have time
for a history lesson.

Look, I am trying to
remove parking meters.

And there is a guy
in Public Works

who's being
a real thorn about it.

Which guy?

Ricky Jordache.

Never heard of him.
What's his deal?

He's new.
He used to be a slacker,

but now he's realizing
his full potential.

But at what cost? He's
smart and he's beautiful.

And I think of him in
many ways as a daughter.

But that would be crazy 'cause he's a man.
His name is Ricky.

Here's my question.

How did you used
to slow me down

when I was becoming
too "me-ish"?

Sometimes, I'd just
give you busy work.

I once had you
put together a brochure

about different kinds
of Indiana topsoil.

That soil brochure
was not busy work.

I mean, people still refer to
"Mulch Ado About Nothing."

And if you were particularly
amped up about a project,

I'd take you to JJ's and
distract you with waffles.

Those were
distraction waffles?

I thought they were
friendship waffles.

Breakfast food
can serve many purposes.

But what if this person,
this Ricky,

who is real,
doesn't like waffles?

Or anything?

Everybody has something
they're passionate about.

Just figure out what it is,
express an interest in it,

and divert his attention.

(ROOSTER CROWING)
(GOAT BLEATING)

(cow MOOING)

Howdy, neighbors. Welcome to Human Farm.
Here's your animal feed.

Please don't feed
the animals.

Wow. This is really,
really cool.

I like the statement
it's making.

That, you know, we're
all in cages, in a way.

Yeah, it's actually
about death and the city.

Yeah. I see that now.
Hi, Orin.

Ms. Wicks, if you've read our
proposal, you'll see that an alliance

between Rent A Swag and Sweetums
could be mutually beneficial.

Well, I must say, it's a much better
idea than the last one you had.

That gourmet
French food thing?

Oh! My escargot delivery service.
Snail Mail.

So, you want to partner up
and make history?

I mean, you've already
made history

as the world's most
beautiful C.E.O.

I'm really sorry, cutie.

The company is laying low right
now due to a small mishap.

Ah! Yes. A Sweetums molasses
storage vat exploded,

resulting in a slow-moving
ecological disaster.

Well, all press
is good press.

No, this was bad press. A lot of
homes were very gradually flooded.

People died.

Actually, speaking of...

We're starting up a non-profit
foundation to restore our name.

Any interest in running it?

Oh, I'm sorry. You want me
to run your non-profit wing?

I know that Bobby Newport
is my stepson.

But the work you did on
Leslie's campaign was amazing.

Your name
is on our short list.

Just to clarify.

It's a no to me
on all fronts,

and you're offering
Ben a job?

Yeah.

Cool. Cool.

I've been looking at your
file all day, Jerry.

If that even
is your real name.

It's not.
My real name is Gary.

Well, Gary, if that
even is your real name.

Somebody stole my computer. Now,
if you're a criminal, look at me.

You have to tell me, legally, or
else it's considered entrapment.

I'm sorry, Andy.
It wasn't me.

Oh, man. Really?

No. Yeah.
Okay.

Okay, so we know it's not Jerry,
unless he was lying to me.

I can never tell when
people are lying to me.

Hopefully, that doesn't
come up in my police work.

I think we should do more
stuff like this, you know?

I think Pawnee needs
an amazing arts program.

Maybe you should just drop
everything and coordinate it.

I'm not stupid.

What is that
supposed to mean?

It means that the only
reason you brought me here

is to distract me
from the dog park.

You hate this show.
I love this show.

What's your favorite part?
The heavy-handedness.

(SCOFFS)

You know what? I have to go talk
to Councilman Jamm right now.

Why are you talking
to Councilman Jamm?

Because I told him about the
dog park idea and he loves it.

He thinks it's a great idea.

He's going to support
my motion

at the city council
meeting tomorrow.

And he gave me a really cool dental
mirror to check out my molars.

Our dispute aside, you
should be careful with Jamm.

He's a snake.
I'm telling you.

Yeah, like I should trust you
out of all people right now.

Moo. Moo.

Quiet, weirdo.

Aren't you supposed
to be a sheep?

No. You are.

Shut up.

Tom would make a great
profile for your show.

I mean, this is a guy
who's learned

through an unbelievable series
of bonehead business moves.

Not to mention,
in the last month alone,

three people have confused me for
a shorter Indian Ryan Gosling.

It's interesting, but I
think I need to wait

until the business has been
around for a few months.

Make sure it's viable.

You're the guy who ran
the congressional campaign

in Washington, right?

Yeah. What, are you going
to offer him a job?

Yes. We're launching
a new political chat show,

and we need correspondents.

Well, thank you, but I'm a
little shaky on live TV.

Well, that's okay. People want authenticity.
Think about it?

Didn't you hear him? He stinks on TV.
He sweats, he stutters.

It's like
The King's Speech.

But the first part,
before he's fixed.

That was my favorite
part of the movie.

What is happening?

ANDY: Chris Traeger.

Yep. Hi, Andy.

I know you did it.

Did what?

(LAUGHING)

Don't play stupid
and handsome with me.

You stole my computer, so that I
could practice for my police exam.

You're as guilty
as you are sexy.

Andy, another computer
was reported stolen

from the offices on the other
side of the courtyard.

I don't think that this is
part of your police training.

I think City Hall
was robbed.

I can't tell
if you're lying to me.

Really?
I think.

Like, a real crime?
That's even better.

Next order of business.
It's agenda item 280-B.

A motion to construct a dog
park on Municipal Lot 48.

Ms. Ludgate,
you have the floor.

APRIL: Thank you,
Councilman Jamm.

Your help and general non-awfulness
is much appreciated.

Leslie.
Members of the council,

I believe that Municipal Lot
48 should be a dog park.

Boo. Boo.

Well, it sounds like there is
considerable opposition to this.

So, I'm sorry, Ms. Ludgate.
You should go now.

Really? I just heard
one hag booing.

Ladies, please.
Let's keep this civil.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Councilmen, Pawneeans,

satisfied customers
of Jamm Orthodontics,

as we discuss what type of park to
put on Lot 48, I had a thought.

How about no park? Who here
thinks parks are stupid?

Let the record show that
everyone is raising their hands.

I happen to know
for a fact that

Pawnee's favorite
fast-food restaurant,

Paunch Burger,
needs a new location.

Now, seeing as how the future
of Lot 48 is open for debate,

I move we sell it to Paunch
Burger for a nice profit.

You don't even have to be
Asian to do math that simple.

You told me
you wanted a dog park.

Uh... Psych.

That's not fair.
You lied to me.

You just got Jammed.

I hate when he says that.

I told you that
Jamm was a snake.

Well, it takes a snake
to know a snake.

LESLIE:
So, now, I'm a snake.

Yes. You deceived me for two
straight days and you eat mice.

I don't eat mice.
Yes, you do.

LESLIE: No. You're a mouse eater.
Mouse eater.

RON: Enough.
Mouse eater.

You are friends
and co-workers.

In this office, we treat
each other with respect.

Hey, April, how's that
dog park coming?

Get out, Jerry.

This is private!
Get out right now.

LESLIE: Hey!
Sorry, guys.

We are not leaving here until
you two figure this out.

Ron, guard the door.
RON: Yes, sir.

No one leaves the octagon.

I dated an ultimate fighter.
It's, like, a thing he said.

What's the play here,
officer?

Are we going to set up a
perimeter, maybe bug a few phones?

Ooh, I know. We could put out a
dummy computer for them to steal,

fill it with explosives first.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

Boom. Take them all out.

Yeah, we're not doing
any of that.

Andy, I love
your enthusiasm.

But we don't really
have the kind of money

to launch a massive
investigation.

You're just going to fill out
this stupid report and that's it?

As a future cop, you have to
understand, I cannot let this guy go.

Look, man. This is what
most police work is.

Just writing stuff down.
It's not superhero time.

If that sounds boring, maybe you
ought to do something else.

Maybe we should
find the person

who stole his
positive attitude.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, man.
Hey, man.

Get any more job offers
since I last saw you?

Yeah, it was just a management
position at Urban Outfitters.

I turned it down.

I don't know, man.
Maybe I can't hack this.

Maybe I should
take a cue from you

and stick with
my boring dayjob.

My accounting job
isn't boring.

If it was remotely
interesting,

there would be
a show on A&E about it.

They have a show about
storage unit auctions.

Fair point. Look. If you're
passionate about this, keep at it.

Things will turn around.

Also, can you tell me

what time that show
about storage units is on?

9:30.

(sums)

All right. I'm going to
have to force this. Leslie.

Maybe you want to admit that you
haven't been the greatest role model.

I don't care.
Orin's my role model.

April,
maybe you want to admit

that you've been a little
selfish and inconsiderate.

Look. All I ever wanted

was for you to show the enthusiasm
you showed for your dog park.

And when you did, I blew it.
And I'm sorry.

Fine. I'm sorry that I
outsmarted you at every turn.

April.

And I know I have
a lot to learn from you,

and I'm sorry that I
disrespected your stupid dream.

A lot of love
in this room.

I'm very, very sorry.
Me, too.

I love you very much.
I love you, too.

I don't want to do
this in front of her.

Okay.

Okay, Ann,
since you're such a genius,

what do we do now?

Neither of you
want Jamm to win.

Nor do I. Because I
hate Paunch Burger.

But if there is one
in my backyard,

I will eat there,
like, every night.

And that is no good.

So, I say we stop playing
dirty with each other,

and we start playing
dirty with Jamm.

Yes. We'll have
triple-sex with him.

No. I have an idea.
It's very uncool,

but it's not illegal,
technically.

But it is a dick move.

I love it.

Hey, Captain,
status update.

My new suspect, the dude
who runs Carpet Emporium.

The way I figure is, criminals
love to wrap things up in rugs.

Plus, he yelled at me when I
tried to unroll them all. So...

Andy, while I appreciate your
dedication to finding this criminal,

I think you might want to take into
account what the policeman said.

I mean, gosh. If I can't
even investigate bad guys,

why become a cop at all?

What are you doing?

When I get bummed out
I take my shirt off,

because the bad feelings
make me feel sweaty.

(sums)

You know what? Maybe I
should bail on being a cop.

City Hall needs a new
part-time security guard

for the weekends.

You want to do that?
Look at it as a way

to feel out whether you want
to be a police officer.

But keep in mind,
if you take this job,

you must keep your
clothes on at all times.

Even if you get sad.
No deal.

Okay, I'll do it.

That a boy. I'll do it.
I promise.

And I get a gun, and I can
point it at people's faces.

Incorrect.

(DOGS BARKING)
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

JAMM: Hey.
What the hell is going on?

Oh, hello, Councilman.

The dogs are here

because there's no dog park
in your neighborhood.

And the kids are here because
there's no human park in your area.

They all needed
a place to play.

My front lawn?
That's right.

And they're going
to keep using it

until there's an actual
park nearby.

Hey, lady, get that
thing off my gnome.

He is dry-humping
my garden gnome.

Stupid beast.

Councilman Jamm,

we just need a little bit
more time to design our park.

And if you plow through
and ignore us,

this is going
to be your life.

I'll call the police.

Yeah, sic the police on a
bunch of kids and puppies.

That's a great photo op.

Fine.
Gentleman's agreement.

In 90 days, we'll put our plans to a vote.
Winner take all.

Deal.
Great.

Now, call off
the actual dogs.

I want these kids
off my lawn.

I want that hula hoop
off my Vette. Right now.

Hey, Jamm.

You just got Knoped and
Ludgated and Perkinsed.

Ha-ha. Nice try. Didn't work.
You just got Jammed.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Okay.
So, let's get to work.

Wait, wait, wait. Do you never just
take a second to enjoy things?

I just said,
"Let's get to work."

How else do people
enjoy things?

I know you changed your mind the
last time we offered you a job.

But we are just thrilled
that you changed it again.

Thank you. Me, too.

This is our best office.
Ah!

As you can see
through the window,

you have a great view of the
billing department. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, Sharon!

(SHUSHING)

Sorry. She's fun.

So, please, if there
is anything we can do

to make you happier in your
new job, just let me know.

No, this is great,
Barney. Thank you.

But I have to quit.

Again.

What?

Oh! Is this
a classic Ben joke?

No. I'm really sorry, but I
just don't want to do this.

I need to move my life
in another direction.

This is disappointing.
Again.

Maybe someday we'll figure
out the magic formula

that gets you to work here.

Well, formulas are my
formula for moolah. So...

Ted, get in here.
Ben is quitting again,

but you've got to hear
what he said.

BEN: Leslie's been saying for weeks
I should do something I love,

and she's right.

I'll help Tom, or maybe
try to do that TV thing,

or maybe work for
the Sweetums foundation.

I don't know. Life is short. Why
be an accountant? You know?

I mean, other than the
stability and the health plan

and the above average pay.

Oh, God, this better work out.