All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation (2009) - S05E03 - How a Bill Becomes a Law (1080p BluRay x265 Silence)

Hey, there you are.

I miss you.
I miss you, too.

Where are you?

I'm in my new city council office.
No way.

I know, do you like it?
I love it.

I love it, too.
Check this out.

Here is my wall of
inspirational women.

Ah.

Is that a picture of you?
Yes.

I am big enough to admit that I
am often inspired by myself.

Here are my clocks.
Pawnee and Washington, D.C.

Same time zone.

Oh. This is the
coolest part ever.

I have my own
private bathroom.

Uh, occupied!
Oh, my God.

Ugh!

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Councilman Jamm. What are
you doing in my bathroom?

JAMM: I don't know if I would
call it your bathroom.

Its only door
is in my office.

I think it is crazy that the
most junior city councilor

gets a private bathroom
just because she is a girl.

Excuse me?

Let's solve this.

Tell you what
I'm going to do.

I'm going to drop
my liquids in here,

take my solids
down the hall.

Deal?
No. No deal.

Fine. Your loss.

HOW?

Fun fact about me.

I recently began
intensive psychotherapy.

I may have mentioned
that to you already.

Several times.

Well, like my therapist says, "You
can't share too much or too often."

You know, Gayle and I, we saw a
couples' therapist for a little while.

That's too much, Jerry.

For real. Keep us
out your bedroom.

It used to be, when I was
down, I called my mother.

When I lacked self-confidence,
I called my running coach.

And now, no matter
what emotion I'm feeling,

I call one number,
my therapist.

I want to do the same
thing for the city.

A psychotherapist
for the city.

No, Andy.

A 311 line.
No.

Citizens will call 311 for
whatever problem they have.

Uncollected garbage,
broken streetlight,

and we will direct them
to the proper department.

Chris, great idea.

Thank you, Andy. I agree.
I love this idea.

And I love me
for thinking of it.

My therapist said that
I need to be more

vocal about
appreciating myself.

Thank you, Chris.

You're welcome, Chris.

I sound insane.

I'm going to go
talk to my therapist.

Welcome to
Pawnee Today.

I am first-rate newswoman
Joan Callamezzo.

Pawnee's City Council approval
rate is at a dismal 3%.

(LAUGHS) That's an all-time low.
Mmm. Yuck.

Leslie, the city council
has done very little

over the past few years,

and what they
have accomplished,

in my opinion,
has been embarrassing.

And that is a fact.

No, that's your opinion. That's
the definition of an opinion.

Well, that's your opinion.

The city council has
some political gridlock

and some
partisan bickering,

but we're actually
about to pass a bill,

my bill, the Leslie Knope
Fun in the Sun Act,

which will extend public
pool hours citywide.

(LAUGHING)

Can you say,
"big whoop"?

Recently, the captain of the
Pawnee Porpoises swim team

asked me if we could keep
the public pools open longer

so they could log
more practice time,

and I said, "Absolutely."

Because not only
am I a city councilor,

I'm a city
councilor with porpoise.

(LAUGHS)

By passing the bill,
and extending pool hours,

we are saying to our citizens
that this city council

is determined to
better our town.

Okay, Pawnee Porpoises
Youth Swim Team,

I have a question for you.

What is your greatest
accomplishment?

We came in fourth in the
county swim meet last year.

Wrong, your greatest
accomplishment

is happening in two hours
when this bill becomes law.

(CHEERING)

I just want you to be
very proud of yourselves,

because this bill is going
to start a long romance

between the city
and its government.

Porpoise call!

(IMITATES PORPOISE SOUNDS)

What are you doing?

I'm doing a porpoise call,
which we used to do

when I was part
of your group,

but it seems like you don't do
it anymore and that's fine.

I'm not weird.
Okay, everybody leave.

I'll see you at
the city council meeting.

Hey, are you busy?

And writing Star Trek fan
fiction does not count.

Ha, ha, ha.

I finished it last week.
What's going on?

Um, I miss Andy.

And you probably
miss your lover, Chris.

Leslie.

I had an idea. It's Friday.
Pawnee's only a 10-hour drive.

Road trip?

Oh, I don't know,

I was going to try to get a jump
on some work this weekend.

Dude, 30 years from now,

when you're on your deathbed,
what are you going to remember?

Organizing files

or taking a spontaneous road
trip to surprise Leslie?

Yeah, you know what?
All right, I'm in.

You know, we might be
able to sneak out early.

You get snacks.
I'll bring music.

We'll jam out to
some sweet tunage.

You know what?
This is awesome.

Actually, no. I don't
want to go anymore.

Oh. Okay.

Just kidding.
See you in 10 minutes.

Okay. Just kidding.
We're not going.

Road trip!

So we're going?
Yes!

Oh, I'm excited to bond
a little with April.

She's like the little
sister I never had.

Because the little sister I do
have is normal and not terrifying.

(MOUTHING)

ANDY: 311.

Well, Diane,
for potholes,

you want to speak
with Public Works.

I understand you've
tried them four times.

Government is inefficient
and should be dissolved.

Please hold while
I transfer you.

Donna, can you help me?
(PHONE RINGING)

I got a 311 call,
but it was all static.

That sounds like
an I.T. problem.

Well, how do
I get I.T. here?

Call 311.

(LAUGHS)

311, how can I...

Oh, hello again, Diane.

Nobody answered?

Okay, you know what? Someone
will be there shortly.

Andrew, get your
lunch, some water,

and a 40-pound
bag of asphalt.

Okay, boss.
What are we doing?

We're fixing a pothole.
ANDY: Hey, hey.

(PHONE RINGS)

Pawnee 311.
How can I help...

MAN: 911!
I have an emergency!

Oh, no. No, this is not 911.
No, no. This is 311.

(WHISPERING) Donna, they
switched my phone with 911.

What do I do?

I don't know. Try to help.
Now hush.

It is heating up
in this piece.

Oh, that sounds awful.

BEN:
Good lord, it is hot.

APRIL: Yes, mercy me.

Living in this town's like living
in the devil's butt crack.

BEN:
I'm almost out of gas.

I'll wait till we're
on the highway.

Now, the GPS says we
should take 495 to 270,

but check out this cool
alternate route I...

Oh, my God, that is
so interesting to me

because I'm
a map salesman.

Why aren't we moving?

Because.
Other cars.

(HONKING HORN) Will you not do that?
Please don't.

That's what you
do when you...

Please don't do... Oh,
great, here comes a guy.

Excuse me.
Mmm-hmm.

Why aren't we moving?
Exit's closed for a bit.

Presidential motorcade.

I'll just shut off the
car till it opens up.

Holy (BLEEP) it's hot.

(AIR CONDITIONER WHIRRING)

JAMM: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Beautiful, Tom.
Beautiful.

Dynamite gums.

Oh, thanks.

Tom, do you want to know
why I moved to Pawnee?

Sure.

It's because the two
leading industries here

are corn syrup
and rubber nipples.

It is a dentistry jackpot.
It's genius, right?

Well, D.D.S. doesn't stand
for "Dumb, Dumb, Stupid."

(LAUGHS)

I like that.

I'm going to steal it.
That's mine now.

All right. Cool.

TOM: Councilman Jamm and I
have gotten pretty tight.

And I'm hoping to parlay
this into a membership

at the Pawnee Smokehouse,

Pawnee's most
exclusive cigar club.

Overstuffed leather chairs,
top-shelf brandies.

And that stale
tobacco stench that says,

"Welcome to the top."

You're a member of the
Pawnee Smokehouse, right?

Oh, yeah.

Man, I love
a good stogie.

I actually just had this
personalized cigar cutter made.

Whoa!

Real nice.

Not my initials,
but thank you so much.

Oh, well, it's not...

Okay.

Hey, so, we're still all good
on Leslie's bill, right?

Actually, Tommy,
we need to talk.

LESLIE: I have wanted this
perm since middle school.

I could not be more
excited about this.

Are you excited, Autumn?

Yeah, definitely.

Do you ever give a perm to
someone and ever regret it?

Uh...

Ann has told me repeatedly
not to get a perm.

But Ann's not here.

So when the Ann's away,
the mice get perms.

(DOOR OPENS)

Councilman Jamm
changed his vote.

He's voting no
on Fun in the Sun.

What? Why?
He promised me.

He just said that
he changed his mind.

Then he told me some veneers
could really make my smile pop.

Thoughts?

Oh, my God.
The vote is in an hour.

Okay, we need to have an
emergency strategy session now.

What about the perm? The
perm must wait, Autumn!

The perm must wait.

Wait, so does this mean the
bill isn't going to pass?

My parents said that you guys
can't get anything done.

No, wait, okay, hold on.

This isn't over
by a long shot.

But it's three
to two against us.

Yeah, I know how to do math, Mason.
Okay, don't be an alarmist.

It's very important
that we stay positive.

Our positive attitude
is our greatest asset.

Tom, a word, please.
Mmm-hmm.

The bill is dead, the Porpoises are
doomed, and democracy is over.

Oh, my God. I can't believe
I decided to get a perm.

Ann should have
never let me do this.

Look, Jamm saw you
on Pawnee Today.

He knows how
much you want this.

He's just trying to get
something in return.

This is a
bargaining tool.

You know, this is why
people hate the government.

'Cause just when we're about
to do something really good,

it all falls apart due to some
stupid, selfish jerk butt.

You know, screw Jamm.
Screw Jamm.

I'm just going to try to get
Councilman Milton's vote.

Milton? He's, like,
150 years old.

Yeah. He's got
grandkids, okay?

And kids love to swim.

And he'll give us his vote.

He's an old person, and I'll
talk to him really slowly.

He won't even
know what he's doing.

I just need to hurry up.
How do I look?

I don't know how
to answer that.

Hi, I'm Andy. I really
like your dress.

I'm a princess.

I'm a mermaid.

I'm the Director of Parks and Recreation.
I'm here to fix that hole.

This is our kingdom.

You have to
ask permission.

Excuse me?

Your highnesses,

we do humbly request
thine permission

to befix doth
holes yonder.

Only if you
can tag us.

Come here.

(YELLING)
(SCREAMING)

Your tax dollars at work.

APR“; Soundtrack
to Pulp Fiction,

soundtrack to Singles, soundtrack
to Grosse Pointe Blank.

Why do you have so many soundtracks?
Oh, well,

I kind of look at it like
it's your favorite directors

making a mix tape
just for you.

Ew.

Oh, here's something.

"Benji's Cool Times
Summer Jamz Mix."

Oh, no, I... You probably don't
want to listen to that...

Yes, I want to listen to it.
No, listen, it...

I want to listen to it.
We don't...

l wanna hear what's on it.
We don't need to...

April...

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

Really?

Don't judge me.

Councilman, I'd
like to talk to you

about the Fun
in the Sun bill,

and I don't mean to rush you,
but the vote is in an hour.

When I'm done eating,
we'll talk.

I've eaten the same
lunch for 58 years.

Caesar salad,
extra dressing,

extra croutons,
and extra anchovies.

Mmm.

Councilman Milton was first elected
as a city councilor in 1948,

as a member of
the "Dixiecrat" party.

Their platform?

De-integrate baseball.

MILTON: The secret
is in the dressing.

Try it.
It's an aphrodisiac.

You too, my strange,
foreign friend.

No, thank you.
Tom, eat some.

I'm not eating
racist salad.

The more we eat,
the faster we talk.

Mmm.

You can really
taste the ignorance.

It's pronounced
"anchovies."

Hi. Diane Lewis.

I own this pothole.

Ron Swanson.
I'm here to fix it.

Oh, seaweed choke!
(GAGS) (GIRLS GIGGLING)

That large boy
is my colleague.

We work at
the Parks Department.

Oh! You're not even from the
Public Works Department?

Look, it appeared
that no one from

the proper channels
was gonna fix this,

so I decided
to do it myself.

Do you know
what you're doing?

(CHUCKLES) Yes, ma'am.
Yes, I do.

Councilman, you have
grandchildren...

And seven
great-grandkids.

Tim, Mary, Jack,

uh, Tim, Marie,
Tim, and Mary.

Don't forget about Tim.

Right, Tim.

How many is that?

You know,
it's very hard to tell.

This might not work.

Let me find Jamm, see if he'll bargain.
Mmm-hmm.

What country is he from?

Iceland.

BEN: "Data had never
felt this way before.

"Of course, Data had never
felt anything before.

"But Captain Picard
couldn't help but note

"the smile that
crept over his

"mechanical but
lifelike face."

I'm gonna murder you.

I understand.
Just one second.

"As they walked down the
hall into the bridge..."

(WHIRRING)

Lemonade?

Please and thank you.

Hey, I'm sorry if
I was curt earlier.

I'm a single mom, and sometimes
things get chaotic around here.

When you showed up from
the Parks Department...

No need to apologize.
I understand completely.

This is delicious.

Well, I got it from
Food and Stuff, so...

That's where I
got these gloves.

Right?

So, how exactly are you
gonna fix this hole?

Just for my
own edification.

Uh, I dug the loose
gravel out of the hole.

Now I'm using a jackhammer to
remove the larger pieces,

then I'll spray down the
hole to settle the dust

and fill it with
cold patch asphalt.

Well, thank you.
(SIGHS)

Now I can fix
the next one myself.

(SINGING) Ron and Diane
sitting in a tree

K-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I...

Do you hear that bird?

Jamm! What do you want?

Support of one of your bills?
Committee chairmanship?

I want your toilet.
What?

Your office, with the
private bathroom?

He wants your office.

Yeah, I don't
mean to brag,

but I've got irritable
bowel syndrome.

This isn't even
about policy?

Absolutely not.
This is a no-brainer.

Just make the trade,
everyone's happy.

I'm not happy.

He shoots down
a very helpful bill

'cause he doesn't get to
poop wherever he wants?

No, I'm gonna get
Councilman Milton,

and you can put your butt
back in your pants, sir.

Yeah, well,
love the hair!

(GRUNTS)

Andy, come help
me tamp this down.

For the last time, Ron, it's
Princess Rainbow Sparkle.

Holy Moses.

Can we turn you
into a princess?

No.

I think it would
really make Diane happy.

Why would that matter?

Shut up.

(LAUGHS) Would you please
come help me tamp this down?

It's a job that
requires two men.

Or does it require
two princesses?

GIRLS: Please?
ANDY: Please.

GIRLS: Please?

MILTON:
This is impressive.

You remind me of a young,
beautiful Strom Thurmond.

Yes, I've been saying
that for years.

Councilman Milton,
do I have your vote?

Yes, indeed.
Oh. (LAUGHS)

There's a lot of salad
dressing on your hand.

Shall we kiss?
Huh? No. No!

(YELLS)
(EXCLAIMS)

(MILTON GROANS)

Oh, my God, are you okay?
Please be okay.

Please, still be
able to vote.

We can kiss
if you want to.

With tongue?

Hey! No.

She tried to kiss me.
She was insatiable.

Well, I don't know, maybe
we should, you know,

postpone the vote until the
councilman gets better, you know?

Uh, yeah, we're not
postponing anything, okay?

I'm pushing the vote
through and it won't pass.

Complimentary
toothbrush?

You're missing the backs of your.
upper canines.

Sloppy technique.

Excuse me? I have excellent
toothbrush technique.

Just give him
what he wants.

Take the easy way out.

I always do.
It's so easy.

I do not negotiate
with dentists.

I'm trying to tell everybody
that the government is great,

and I think it stinks.

I hate it.
I hate the government.

You don't mean that.
You're right, I don't.

I take it back. Why did I say that, Tom?
God, you know me so well.

More rouge!

Everything going good?

(LAUGHING)

I came here to fix a
pothole, not be mocked.

I'm sorry, it's just...
Your face is ridiculous.

Thank you for
the lemonade.

The asphalt will
bear weight in an hour.

Time to go, Andrew.
No!

Wait, but we were gonna
make a sparkle palace!

Ron, you're walking
across hot lava!

Oh, no!

BEN: Whoa, it's moving.

It's moving.
What?

Yes!
Finally.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

What?
No!

We're out of gas.

(SCREAMING)

(HONKING norm)
(SCREAMING)

Next order of business,
the Fun in the Sun Act,

introduced by
Councilwoman Knope.

(IMITATES PORPOISE SOUNDS)

Councilman, I move that the
bill be read in its entirety.

Ms. Beavers?
Fine.

Pawnee Municipal Code
Amendment, 217-426...

Buying time, I see.
What's up?

(SNIFFS) You can
have my office.

Okay, why don't you
sweeten the pot?

(SIGHS) You can have
my parking space.

And?

And I will get
Invisaligns from you.

And?

And, that is enough. And shut up.
And I hate you.

We got a deal.

Can't wait to drop
my kids at the pool.

By "kids," I mean turds.
I get it.

Yeah.

Then Ana asks Grey
to punish her.

Donna, please,
can you keep it down?

Or at least research

how to deliver a baby
that's coming out face up.

Lay the mother on her side

and try to move the baby
in a corkscrew fashion.

Diane is awesome
and she likes you.

And you like her.
I can tell.

"A," I don't recall
inviting you in here,

and "B,"
I did not like her.

She's not my type.

Her life is messy.

Ron, messy is fun, okay?

My whole life is a giant
mess and I love it.

I mean, look at my hair.
I have gum in my hair.

Listen, I will not pursue Diane.
End of story.

BEN: Please, just steer.

Be stronger.

(HONKING HORN)

That was a
great road trip.

We made it 40 feet.

Yeah, well, at least it
took a million hours,

and it was
180 degrees,

and we starved to death. So fun.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, how about next
weekend we fly to Pawnee?

Tickets are on me.
Really?

That would be
awesome. Definitely.

Nah, never mind.
I don't feel like it.

What? Oh, my God.

See how it feels?

(LAUGHS)

Excellent work,
everyone!

Particularly you, Ron.

You have one very satisfied citizen.
What did you do for her?

I fixed her pothole.

Is that a euphemism?

No.
Then great work.

In fact, she's out
in the hallway

and wants to
thank you herself.

If you're here to complain
about the pothole,

I guarantee I
did it correctly.

Actually, I'm here to
ask you out for dinner.

Really?

Well, I hope you're
not the kind of man

who needs to ask
the lady out.

I'm a middle school
vice-principal.

I don't screw around.
Does that freak you out?

No, on the contrary.

So, dinner?

Please and thank you.

Well, it'll be casual.
No need to wear makeup.

RON:
I begrudgingly admit

that the 311 program
is a moderate success.

I'm still not sure why

the citizen decided to come
speak with me in person,

but I'm just happy to see a
government program finally work.

LESLIE: Okay, so let's get
ready for the photo, guys.

I want you to
arrange yourselves

from most excited about
democracy to least excited.

Wait a minute. Everybody's excited?
I bet you are!

Because your bill
just became law.

Boy, you know, I can't believe
you traded your office

to keep this
craphole pool open

for a couple
more weeks a year.

Hey, can you not say that in
front of the kids, please?

I'm trying to teach them
how great government is.

Oh, this is
a teaching moment?

Great. Hey, kids?

Would you like to learn how
Leslie got your bill passed?

Councilwoman Knope traded
my vote for her...

What the hell, man?
Why'd you do that?

Um...

Um...

Because it's
Fun in the Sun!

Everybody in the pool!

Y ay, poo“!

Yay, democracy!

Oh, no, my perm.

Ta-da.
What do you see?

Your new city council office.
Yes.

And it is across the
courtyard from your office,

so we can wave
at each other.

But it is also
Pawnee's newest

and most exclusive
cigar club,

Tom's Smokehouse.

Whoa! Smoke-Dawg.

And the Tommy Haverford
member's chair.

Now you're talking.

Man, Jamm's gotta
be pretty mad at us.

I ain't scared of him.

He's a punk.

To making
things happen.

I'll puff to that.

I do not like this.